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Adopting Same-Age Children: A Parent's Perspective

How We Adopted Same-Age Children

When we began our China adoption process in November of 2000, we thought that I would never give birth to another child. I was 40 years old and had endured several miscarriages. We were very grateful for the grace of two children, a boy and a girl, and had what a Chinese friend of mine called "a million-dollar family." For quite a while, I sought to be content with these wonderful children, knowing that many people are not as fortunate.

Still, we had wanted four children. One morning, I spent a long time talking to a friend in my children's playgroup who had adopted her children from China, and I began to wonder whether we should consider that option. On the way home, I told myself not even to think about that because my husband probably wouldn't be interested. I wasn't even going to mention it to him. But we rarely keep any of our thoughts from one another and I found myself telling him about my conversation that night at dinner. I'll never forget what he said: "I'm very interested in adopting from China."

Pregnancy With Adoption

I went that evening to investigate online. Our internet connection was primitive then, so it took awhile to find the information. But it didn't take us long to make our decision to start the paperwork process, although we did decide to wait a few months to build up our finances before applying. In the meantime, I had another miscarriage, which firmed up our decision that adoption was God's choice for us to enlarge our family.

The paperwork process was daunting. I slowly waded through understanding and getting papers notarized, certified, and authenticated. In March, just as the paperwork was almost ready to submit to China, I realized I was pregnant again. I didn't tell anyone except for Christopher, not even my mother. I was sure I would never bear this child. After having twice announced in a Christmas letter a baby we would never get to hold, I had grown leery of public pronouncements.

We sent off the paperwork for our Chinese adoption in May. When I was still pregnant at the end of June, I realized I was going to have to start telling people. In some ways, we had mixed emotions. We had been so excited about adopting two girls from China. Now we weren't sure how this would work out and, as Christopher said ominously, "It could be a boy" (we'd just gone through very terrible twos and threes with our son Brendan).

It was not a boy. Sophie Kathleen arrived a couple of weeks late, like my other two birth kids, on November 9, 2001 (yes, 11-9-01, and my birthday is 9-10). We always tell the girls that Mollie really came first, because we had named her (Madeleine Grace) and we were praying for her before we knew Sophie was coming.

Same-Age Children Are Called "Like Twins"

At the time we submitted our papers, the wait for adopting was 11 months and we thought that because of our ages, we would get an older child. So we thought our two girls would be about a year apart in age.

However, as any China adoptive family quickly realizes, the adoption wait time is notoriously varied and there are surprises all along the way. It was actually 15 months before we got our referral for Mollie in Oct. 2001 and she was only 9 months old. In fact, her birthday was only six weeks after Sophie's. We were going to have twins!

Having been wonderfully supported by the July 2001 Panda adoption group, I searched the internet for groups about twins. I discovered that there was indeed a Yahoo group for people like us, and even a name for our girls: "like twins." Yahoo groups have been disbanded, but they were a vital link for us at that time to find other people with similar circumstances.

How Our Adopted Same-Age Children Get Along

We could never have planned a better pairing of personalities than Sophie and Mollie. From the time they met at the Dallas airport when the family came to pick us up, they have had a unique bond and friendship. They have always played together, even when they were at an age when children are not supposed to do that. They have wondrous imaginary worlds and games. Sometimes they fight, but not very often and they tend to be concerned to solve the problem quickly.

Same Age Siblings is Challenging!

Same Age Siblings is Challenging!

Adopted Same-Age Children and School

We separated our girls for the first time in kindergarten and they both did well, but when I learned Texas had passed a new law allowing parents to choose whether multiples were in the same classroom or not, I requested they be placed together. Since then, they were together every year of elementary school. Finally, in sixth grade, we decided to let them be mostly in different classes in order to get them ready for Junior High.

Every year, I have asked them if they want to be in different classes, and every year they tell me they want to be together. I suppose it could be a problem for twins to be together in the same class, but both of my girls are excellent students and model class citizens. Luckily, teachers have realized that it helps for both of them to receive the same praise. When their second grade teacher wanted to name a Citizen of the Year, she gave it to both of them. We were also blessed that both of them qualified for our school district's gifted program, so they are both able to go to the special classes offered once a week.

How Do Other Children View Adopted Same-Age Children?

However, they don't necessarily do everything together at school or at home. At school, they don't sit together and often play with other friends at recess. Last year, I did have one friend tell me her daughter complained about Mollie playing with "some tall blonde girl." They mother had to explain Sophie was Mollie's sister.

If they invite a friend over, they usually all play together, but they have their own birthday parties and invite different people. They were both on the same softball team, but Sophie didn't want to play soccer with Mollie this Fall. Sophie (who is in the 98th percentile in height) will probably do basketball instead.

Still, they love doing their homework together at home and often when one has an idea of something to play, the other one will join along. That is in spite of the fact that they are completely different in personalities.

Mollie is fun, feisty and loves dancing and laughing. Sophie is a thinker and is less talkative, but she is the one who is willing to dress outlandishly for a school costume contest, not caring what people think. Mollie is more concerned about how people feel about her. Perhaps that is why the two of them get along so well. Sophie tends to be bossy, but Mollie puts up with it because she want to remain friends. In turn, Mollie's ideas often win out over Sophie's. Somehow, it all balances out.

It is important for parents to take one on one time with same age adopted children.

It is important for parents to take one on one time with same age adopted children.

How Do Adopted Same-Age Children Feel?

When they were younger, it was more obvious that they were the same age and we had a lot of wonderful conversations with people explaining how both our baby girls were "miracles." For safety (and because it was cute), I often dressed them alike so that no one would question that I was Mollie's mother and that the two girls were together. I also wanted to show the connection they felt for one another that wasn't necessarily evident to other people. Frankly, I also did it because they were adorable: tall Sophie with the floating blonde curls, and short, athletic Mollie with the adorable smile and fuzzy black hair. We got plenty of stares and plenty of wonderful smiles, which led to lots of conversations about adoption.

At 12, they still often choose to dress alike and their younger sister usually wants to dress alike too. That has become a challenge since Sophie is rather unusually tall for her age and is always outgrowing her clothes. At one point the doctor said she might grow to be 6'2", but I suspect she will grow fast and stop early, like me. At twelve, she is a full head and shoulders taller than Mollie and looks like she is a couple of years older.

Although they are virtually the same age, Sophie takes the older sister role and last week Christopher even heard her say, "You have to do what I say because I'm older than you," to Mollie. However, Mollie is much braver in social situations, and so at school or with adults she often takes the lead.

Sophie is our quiet, thoughtful, responsible one who is kind of awkward and clumsy (grows so fast her coordination can't keep up) but loves sports, running, being outside, and animals. Mollie is spontaneous, funny, hardworking, and fantastically coordinated, but not very interested in going outside or competing in sports. She would rather hold hands or sit on a lap. Together, the twins challenge and support one another.

Should You Adopt a Child That's the Same Age as Your Other Child?

Do they fight? They rarely fought when they were younger, but when they hit the pre-teen ages, they started doing separate things more often and started getting angry with one another. One mom of twins encouraged me by saying that twins need to separate and be their own person in order to be able to live separate lives as adults.

Our experience has been very positive, but that might in part be because our girls were so young when they became siblings. They do not remember a time when they were not together. Should other parents adopt same age siblings? I think that having children the same age has been a wonderful experience for them and for us. However, I also think it would have been more difficult if one of our children had some special needs. While having same age children can bring some extra challenges, I would encourage parents to consider that not adopting a child can be sorrowful too.

What Makes You Interested in Adoption?


Virginia Kearney (author) from United States on July 26, 2016:

Shan--thank you so much for sharing your story with me! I'm sitting with both of my girls right now and just told them about your adoption decision. We will pray for you to make the best choice for your family. My girls are now 14 and heading into high school. There have been times when they've fought or disagreed, just like most siblings who are close in age. However, my birth child often comments on how she feels so lucky to have a same age sibling and they look forward to going to high school together, sharing a condo in college and someday, sharing the fun and trials of having kids and being moms themselves. I should also add that all five of my children are very committed to adopting themselves. Many blessings to you!

shan1420 on July 21, 2016:

Thank you for the article. My husband and I are trying to decide whether or not to adopt a sweet little boy that is the same age as my oldest (2yrs). They are literally born the same month even. It is so hard to decide what is the right thing to do!

VJG from Texas on December 07, 2014:

What you wrote is commendable. I have heard such sad stories regarding adoptions. One that I just discovered is that of P.L. Travers, the creator of Mary Poppins. She adopted a baby boy. Years later that boy met another young man at a pub and discovered that they were twins. Apparently, Travers adopted the one, not the other and never revealed to her adopted son that he had a twin.

Natasha Pelati from South Africa on October 29, 2014:

What a great life story and it must bring you so much joy!

Niquel Cozart from New Jersey suburb on October 09, 2014:

What a wonderful concept and article. I think that it would be a truly rewarding thing to consider especially for those couples that may be infertile. It's so worth further consideration. Having same age adopted children, giving the sense of having twins and allowing children to bond and have same age playmates.

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez from Philippines on September 29, 2014:

This is a lovely story. Thank you for sharing your experience. It is so interesting. The children are so fortunate to have parents like you, who really want them. The video was very touching, too.

Virginia Kearney (author) from United States on September 26, 2014:

You are right moonlake--adopting does have a lot of advantages and so many blessings. Our girls are now entering middle school and we continue to enjoy them as they find out their own place in the world. Each is so different!

moonlake from America on September 26, 2014:

Enjoyed your story of your two girls how cute they are. I was just looking at pictures my cousin put on facebook with her adopted daughter from China. She is so cute hugging her big brother. I think adopting same age children would be great. When one has been in the family for a couple years they have time to get jealous of the new baby. This way they don't get jealous.

Virginia Kearney (author) from United States on June 16, 2012:

Thanks Daisydayz! Our sweet girls are now getting ready for 5th grade and even though the inevitable arguments occurs sometimes, they quickly make it up. I thank God for them every day!

Chantele Cross-Jones from Cardiff on June 16, 2012:

Wow what a beautiful story! You are very blessed and your girls sound adorable!

Charlotte B Plum on August 30, 2011:

I totally loved reading this story! It is so so sweet. I think they are blessed to have loving parents too! Thank you for sharing this with us!