Unique, Unusual Baby Names: Whimsical, Wonderful or Just Weird?
Otherwise titled "What Not to Name Your Baby"
Gosh, I'm a b***h when it comes to baby names. I got the idea for this hub from Syrusv37, a hubber who posted a question on the HubPages Answers page. Normally I'm a polite, noncontroversial, nonconfrontational person, especially here on HubPages. But for some reason, I was pretty harsh with the poor guy. He wanted to know if Kree and Kite were good names for twin babies, with Kree for a girl and Kite for a boy. I told him that I thought those names sounded like he was trying way too hard to be cool and they made me cringe.
Being the sweet little wimp that I am, I felt bad that I had voiced my opinion so harshly. I went to repost something nicer, but it was too late. Hubpages allows each hubber only one answer per question. However, the automated tag telling me I could not post a second answer suggested I write a hub about the subject, so I decided to do just that.
Normally, I pride myself on being a nonjudgmental person. If you want to dye your hair purple or get multiple piercings -- go for it, I say. Are you gay, bi, transgender? None of my business. I could not care less. Are you cheating on your spouse? Are you deep in debt because you've purchased way too many unnecessary luxury items? Ooops -- those are not choices I would make, but hey, you are you and I am me.
So why do I care that a basically anonymous person wants to name his son Kite? For whatever reason, I get judgmental about the names people choose for their children. I'm not normally one to to get a bee in my bonnet about things that do not affect me, but when I hear of someone naming their child a weird or trendy name, I just want to roll my eyes and beg them to stop the madness!
So basically, when it comes to parents naming their children, I get my b***h on and turn into a judgmental, tantrum-throwing brat. I did a quick search of hubs here, and found that there are quite a few about names, including some quite funny ones that critiicize what are deemed "gay" names. I decided that if those hubbers had their little rants, that I too, would indulge my inner b***h and have a rant myself.
"Unique" Name Categories I Typically Don't Like
Although there are exceptions in every category, in general I don't care for:
• Car names
• Location names
• Food names
• Hotel names
• Poser Cowboy names
• "Roughing It" names
• Tough names
• Dumb names
• White Trash names
• Pretentious Poser Aristocrat names
• Hipster names
• Feminine names for boys
• Overly Masculine names for girls
• Made-up names, aka "Pharmaceuticals" names
• Names with unfortunate spellings
• Overused Trendy names ....and....
• Silly Celebrity names.
Many location names are are fine in my opinion, but some sound so pretentious or silly, including these:
"Mercedes" and "Porche" were girls' names long before the automobile was invented. I may be mistaken, but I believe these two types of cars were named after people. However, these days, some parents have taken to naming their kids after cars.
Camry, Kamri, Kaamri, etc.
Chassi (or Chassis)
Believe it or not, I know an adorable little girl named Raddison. Blech.
Roughing It Names
These are similar to poser cowboy names. They're slightly different but just as annoying, in my opinion.
Food and Alcohol names
I would never name my kid after something you eat, but I would rather name a baby after something you eat than an alcoholic drink. That's just asking for future troubled soul. Perhaps I should move the alcoholic names to the 'Dumb" category. It's hard to believe that parents have actually given these names to a tiny little baby. Granted, Jameson was a surname before it was a whiskey, so I almost hate to include it. However, it does belong in my rant. If I move it out of the alcohol category, I can put it in the "pretentious poser aristocrat" category, instead.
Kale (Kale is another word for cabbage! Who would name their kid "Cabbage?")
Poser Cowboy Names
I have nothing against cowboys -- it's just that I live in Texas and see so many city slickers who are posing as cowboys. They give their kids cheesy wannabe names. If you give your child one of these names, you'd better make your living by riding and roping.
Colt, Colter, Colton
These sound like the parents are trying a bit too hard to make their kid seem tough. Of course, giving your child one of these names is no guarantee they'll actually be tough.
White Trash Names
White trash names fall into three subgroups: they're either hickish, sound as if their parents are trying too hard to be "classy," or they're just plain icky. I'll let you decide which of these names fall into which subgroup.
When I say these are dumb names, what I mean is that the people who choose them must be dumb. Believe it or not, these are not urban legends like the often-cited Lemonjello, Orangejello and Le-a. These are names that have actually been given to kids. Give your child one of these names, and people will question your brain power. Please don't chose one of these. Ever.
Overused, Trendy Names
Stick a fork in it. These names are done. I'm not talking about names like Michael and Emily here. Yes, Michael and Emily are very popular and perhaps overused, but they are tried-and-true names that have been given to children for centuries. What I'm talking about are the trendy names that parents think are really cool and unique, until they go to drop their child off on the first day of preschool only to find that five kids out of the 20 in the class have that same "unique" name.
The "Mc" or "MaK" names: McKenzie, MaKayla, McKenna, McKinley, etc.
Madison, Madysyn, Mattisen, etc.
Dillon, Dylan, Dillan, etc.
All the "aden" names: Aiden, Grayden, Caden, Stayden, Brayden, etc.
The "iley" names: Kyley, Riley, Wylie, Briley.
The "lin" or "lyn" ames: Kaitlin, Brooklyn, Ashlyn, Jazzlin, Jaydlyn, etc. .
Kennedy, Kennidi, etc.
Jaxon, Jackson, etc.
Many hipster names are simply names that are sometimes referred to as "geriatric" names, meaning they are so out of fashion that the hipsters are using them because it's hip to be square. Many names in the hipster/geriatric category are names that were given to my grandparents and great aunts and uncles, such as Esther, Raymond, Frank, Hazel and Minnie. I don't mind the geriatric names, because they are actual names with meaning and have been used for centuries, as opposed to made-up "pharmaceuticals" names. While some hipster names can be cute, pretty or otherwise appropriate, on the other hand, some of them just make it seem like the parents are trying waaaaay to hard to be hip.
Pretentious, Poser Aristocrat Names
If the white trash parent wants to give their child a "classy" name, they might choose Chantel or Wayne. Middle class parents who want to appear aristocratic have ther own set of names, which are way more pretentious. There is often quite a bit of overlap with these names and Hipster names. I've sorted the overlap names into one category or another, but many of them fit well in either category.
Too-Masculine Names Given to Girls
Sorry boys, but parents of girls keep naming their babies traditionally boys' names, which eventually gives them a feminine connotation, and they must be removed from consideration for boys. If this trend keeps going, there are going to be tons of girls named Mike and Steve. I haven't met any female Mikes or Steves yet, but I have actually met adorable little girls with these names:
Too-Feminine Names Given to Boys
It's getting harder and harder to name a boy something other than Mike or Steve. Every time a name gets trendy-hot, parents of girls take it over, and what once was a masculine name becomes associated with girls. If you've given your boy one of these names, all I can say is "sorry." The girls have claimed these and they now seem too feminine for a boy.
Names with Unfortunate Spellings
I totally get that parents want their children to have unique, memorable names. But please know that giving your child’s name a yoouneek, speshull spelling can often hurt more than it can help. I don’t mean spelling Mandy “I” instead of a “y”. What I’m talking about is butchering your child’s possibly perfectly wonderful name with an idiotic, unfortunate spelling. Some of these names spell nouns that are not associated with the name (Raygun, for example) and some of the spellings are just so totally twisted that they make the parent appear to be illiterate.
Ginafur (Jennifer) "Fur" in a name is appropriate only for a cat or dog!
Made-up Names, aka Pharmaceuticals Names
I sometimes call made-up names “pharmaceuticals" names because -- you guessed it -- many of the made-up these names sound like the latest offering to treat asthma, eczema or erectile dysfunction.
Silly Celebrity Names
Celebrities seem more likely than the average person to give their children just plain silly names. ALthough silly celebrity names are way more ridiculous than the annoying names in the other categories I've listed here, they don't bother me much because the chance that I will ever know a cute kid with one of these names is very low. I don't think there is much danger of average citizens giving their babies one of these names:
Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin)
Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette)
Banjo (Rachel Griffiths)
Mars, Seven and Sirius (Erykah Badu)
Alabama Gypsyrose (Drea DeMateo and Shooter Jennings)
Kal-El (Nicholas Cage)
Zowie (David Bowie)
Moon Unit, Dweezil (Frank Zappa)
Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee)