8 Signs You May Have a Codependent Parent

Updated on December 16, 2016
lanablackmoor profile image

Lanablackmoor has a degree in Psychology and personal experience with the topic.

A check-list of signs to help you determine whether you have a codependent parent.
A check-list of signs to help you determine whether you have a codependent parent.

The Fine Line Between Caring and Codependence

The first thing that comes to mind when we hear the term “codependent” is usually an abusive boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. However, this is not always the case. Believe it or not, most codependent relationships are between a parent and child, not romantic partners. In a codependent parent-child relationship, the lines between protective and obsessive, engaged and over-involved are often blurred beyond recognition. The caregiver/care-receiver nature of a parent-child relationship makes codependency particularly difficult to detect.

Here are a few signs to help you figure out whether your parent-child relationship is codependent.

1. The Codependent Parent Has a Victim Mentality

We all face obstacles in life, but the codependent parent believes that the other people in their life, particularly their children, owe them penance for the wrongs committed against them. Often this manifests in guilt-tripping behavior intended to garner sympathy from the child for negative experiences the parent has been through, with the end goal of altering the child’s behavior in a way that will somehow set things right.

This is where the problems begin. Rather than dealing with the traumas and difficulties in their own life through healthy means such as self-reflection and therapy, the codependent parent latches onto a child and demands compensation.

Compensation can take many forms. Many times a codependent parent will live vicariously through a child. For example, a mother who got pregnant in her teen years may demand repayment of the burden she faced by putting expectations on her daughter to seize advantages in life that she missed out on. A codependent father may demand that his son excel in sports to make up for his own lack of athleticism in childhood. If the child shows signs of taking their own path in life, the parent will use guilt to manipulate them into compliance.

Rather than dealing with the traumas and difficulties in their own life, the codependent parent latches onto a child and demands compensation.

2. The Codependent Parent Is Never Wrong

In normal relationships, one party is right some of the time but never all of the time. In a codependent parent-child relationship, the parent is always right. Even when the child is an adult, the parent will refuse to approach an argument or even a simple discussion with openness to the possibility of being wrong. Instead, they will seek to impose their own view of the situation and “correct” the adult child, as opposed to engaging in a discussion where neither party is presumed right by default.

So rather than listening to the child's feelings and problems and learning about the child's personality and way of being in the world, every situation becomes a threat to parent's authority.

Even if it becomes apparent that the codependent parent is wrong, they will not apologize—or, if they do, it will come off as forced or insincere. The codependent parent requires absolute dominance over the child, and any admission of wrongdoing on their part would be a sign of weakness and an invitation to challenge their dominance in the relationship.

In a codependent parent-child relationship, the parent is always right.

3. The Codependent Parent Is Overly Emotional

People sometimes end up crying, yelling, and giving others the silent treatment, but the codependent parent has refined these acts into an art form. When they feel that they are losing control of a situation or the upper hand in an argument, they will resort to crying, screaming, and other acts of intimidation to restore the balance in their favor. If called out on this manipulation tactic, the codependent parent will often accuse the child of being callous or insensitive, or feign ignorance altogether.

If the child cries or expresses hurt or anger, the codependent parent may get unusually angry and claim that the display, no matter how genuine, is insincere and being used to manipulate when, in reality, they are upset that their tactic is being turned around on them.

The codependent parent has refined crying, yelling, temper tantrums, and silent treatments into an art form.

4. The Codependent Parent Never Listens

Many children of codependent parents complain that speaking with their parent is like “talking to a brick wall.” In fact, one doesn’t speak with a codependent parent as much as to them. No matter how valid the argument, the codependent parent will not be moved in their position. Instead, even when presented with irrefutable facts that would cause a normal person to reconsider and reevaluate their position, the codependent parent will either refute the facts or move onto a different argument without addressing the point being made.

Speaking with a codependent parent is like “talking to a brick wall.”

5. The Codependent Parent Parrots Words and Phrases

Instead of listening to the child's feelings, a codependent parent will parrot, mirror, or mimic them. If the child claims that the parent is hurting their feelings, for example, the codependent parent will, perhaps seconds or even hours later, return with, “You’re hurting my feelings!” Whatever concern the child expresses, the codependent parent will find a way to turn it around and regurgitate it as their own, thus reversing the defensive and offensive roles in the conversation. If called out on this behavior, the codependent parent will ignore it, become angry, or act bewildered and confused.

The codependent parent will find a way to appropriate the child's feelings and present them as their own, thus reversing the defensive and offensive roles in the conversation.

6. The Codependent Parent Has Mood Swings

Drastic mood swings can happen over a couple of minutes or a couple of days, but the codependent parent has the ability to rapidly shift from one mood to another. This is especially true when their manipulation tactics have succeeded in garnering the child’s acquiescence. The codependent parent may be yelling and screaming one moment, but once they get their way, they may be exuberant. Conversely, they may sulk in an effort to rebuff any guilt as a result of their power play.

For example, a mother screaming at her son for not calling often enough may eventually get him to give in and promise to call more. Once she attains what she wants, in an effort to keep her victory and her role as the victim, she may say something like, “No, never mind. I don’t want you to call. You’ll just be doing it because you have to.” Then, the son will not only have to call more, but reassure her that this is what he truly wants to do of his own free will, thus absolving her from any responsibility and guilt.

The codependent parent will rapidly shift from one mood to another in order to avoid responsibility and guilt.

7. The Codependent Parent Must Maintain Control at All Costs

Control is the end goal of all codependent parents. Most codependent parents expect a level of devotion and love from their children that is unhealthy and unnatural, intended to make up for that which they lack in other relationships. Often the codependent parent wishes to garner from their child the love and/or attention they failed to receive from their own parents. This creates a dramatic role reversal of the parent-child relationship and turns it into a vampiric dynamic rather than a mutually beneficial one.

Whatever it is that the codependent parent seeks to gain by controlling the adult child, when it becomes clear that they won’t succeed, a meltdown will often ensue. If the parent controls with guilt by appearing frail and playing the victim card, they may become suddenly venomous and aggressive when the adult child refuses to give them what they want. Conversely, a codependent parent who controls through subtle manipulation and passive-aggression may suddenly become dominant and plainspoken.

It is important to remember that these dramatic shifts in the face of lost control are not a mood swing or an “episode.” Instead, the codependent parent is revealing their true nature as opposed to the façade they must maintain in order to keep things going their way. Once there is no hope of getting their way, this façade will become useless and be easily stripped away.

Often the codependent parent wishes to garner from their child the love and/or attention they failed to receive from their own parents.

8. The Codependent Parent Manipulates – Subtly

The most effective form of manipulation is the kind that you can never be called out for directly. Examples include the silent treatment, passive aggressive comments, denial of wrongdoing and projection, among others. The codependent parent will leave the child in a state of confusion, wondering who really is “the bad guy.”

Often, the parents will be genuinely unaware of their own manipulation. Many codependent parents truly believe that they are doing what’s in their child’s best interest and execute some of the most unsettling control tactics and manipulative power plays with simultaneous mastery and obliviousness. In fact, when called out on their manipulation with specific examples, the codependent parent will often be genuinely and deeply hurt and bewildered.

In fact, the codependent parent does not usually manipulate because they want to; they manipulate because they have to. They simply don’t know any other way to communicate with the adult child who is beyond their direct control. Thus, they will manipulate with finances, emotion, guilt, and any other tool at their disposal to maintain the imbalance of the codependent relationship.

Examples of things codependent parents will use to subtly maintain power:

guilt trips,

the silent treatment,


withholding (of money, time, or affection),

denial of wrongdoing,

and projection, among others.

So You Have a Codependent Parent... What Should You Do?

This is not an exhaustive list, but it does cover the basic signs and symptoms of codependency to watch out for. In my experience with my own codependent parent, many of these are hard to recognize but, on closer inspection, they deviate significantly from the norms of a healthy parent-child relationship.

There is no single, quick, or easy way to deal with a codependent parent. It depends on the individuals as well as the severity of the codependency within the relationship. In some cases, the only thing the adult child can do is sever ties with the codependent parent completely. In others, carefully imposed boundaries, discussion, and family therapy can be used to maintain a healthy relationship for both parties.

Many codependent parents truly believe that they are doing what’s in their child’s best interest.

Do you suspect that you may have a codependent parent-child relationship or know someone who does?

See results

Your Two Cents

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Kara 29 hours ago

      @getting there (and anyone else for that matter) : They will never stop guilt-tripping or manipulating you, so get away while you can.

      Do you want this to go on for the rest of their lives? Or, how about the rest of yours? Studies have proven stress takes a toll on health. Don't let them ruin your health, life, and sanity.

      My mom did this to me for years. I felt like the most demented, guilty, evil person because she told me I was. Well, last year she had a stroke. Who had to care for her? Me. I did it with love and kindness.

      That wasn't enough. Now she calls every day, several times a day saying I don't love her or I'd sit and visit. If she has company, she acts feeble, fraile, and makes me promise to not put her in a home. we never discuss that!

      This past week I just started telling her i cannot and will not real with negativity or guilt trips. And I won't.

      Do yourself (and future self) a favor and remove yourself from the situation while you can.

      God forbid you need to be their caregiver.

    • profile image

      Getting there 7 days ago

      Reading this and other people's comments really helped me feel less alone.

      I've realized over the last couple of years that my relationship with my mother isn't normal, after a childhood of just thinking this is what loving parents are like, and that the mood swings and sudden explosions must be reasonable responses to how uniquely terrible her life apparently is.

      From a young age, I felt the burden of trying to make her life better for her - making sure all the housework was done before she could do it and then complain about how tired she was, trying to diffuse arguments between her and my brother before they started as if it were my responsibility as a child to make sure that she as an adult didn't get too upset and end up doing something stupid.

      Because that's her favourite manipulation; if things aren't as she would like, she is going to kill herself. And I always thought, if she DID kill herself, then that would be my fault so I had to do whatever she wanted in order to prevent it.

      Even now, I'm still stuck with this. I stupidly moved back in with her after university, and now I don't feel I can move out again because of the guilt she places on me. She talks about it like she needs me here, that I'm the one that makes her life bearable, that she is always so depressed and at the end of her rope (although she refuses to seek any professional help, preferring to place it on my shoulders).

      I don't feel I'm at a place yet where I can get out of this situation without feeling guilty and scared of what might happen. But at least learning about the dynamics of our relationship, and that other people suffer this too, I feel like it's not impossible to be free of this.

    • profile image

      Tired 8 days ago

      My mother is constantly fighting my with my father and never fails to make me feel bad that i do not side with here - to top it off , they are both almost always in pain, and i am the one always having to massage them and listen to their problems. all while trying to live a normal life in my 30s - i am so tired!

    • profile image

      Embarrassed 2 weeks ago

      I truly believe I have the most controlling cruel under minding abusive parents ever and 35 I’ve never been able to have a relationship and be happy there in the middle of everything they undermined me as a parent and are all around horrible This is really opened my eyes even when you’re grown-up you can’t get away from your parents it’s a sickness

    • profile image

      Anon 5 weeks ago

      My mom is still so immature halfway through her life that it must be hardwired into her. I wish she had never existed.

    • profile image

      Mairi 7 weeks ago

      A lot of people commenting are confusing narcissistic personality disorder with dependency. They are not the same thing. Often the codependent is the result of a narcissistic parent and although they can be manipulative, they actually do have empathy, are capable of change (if they realise they have it) and love their children.

    • profile image

      Random duh 2 months ago

      Sh*t both of my parents are codependent and manipulative. I always thought they just love me too much but they actually don’t. All of them explains my daily life . I’m so done with them now.

    • profile image

      Jennifer 2 months ago

      I watched the video and it pained me cause all of the signs are the same descriptions I go threw in life and even to this day I deal with this non sense. I've always been the scape goat and it's definitely a hard and horrible life. I've been to counseling to get help only to realize that I'm not the sick one all these years I was made to feel crazy or ill myself. Why do parents project such unhealthy ideas on children. I have never had a best friend or a normal life. It hurts me the most when I see normal families and mothers and daughters who are friends and who do get along. I wonder what it feels like I envy them. I secretly wish I was loved and wanted by my parents. My parents want me for only what I can give them they have no real interest in seeing me be happy. They expect me to stay home and have no life and no friends. Or go to work. I find myself want it to be at work. I have two children they take care of while I'm at work. I feel trapped cause in have no partner and no real people to talk to I feel like I'm my own best friend who never lets herself down , I'm so tired mentally from these people. I read other comments and I can say you're not alone and I feel sad that others go threw this , mental health does and should be recognized cause were only human. I'm tired of the generations of denial and it needs to stop.

    • profile image

      Anonymous 2 months ago

      I have had issues with co-dependent parents, especially my mother, for years now but it was never as bad as it has been recently. This article has really opened my eyes to the situation and a lot of these signs are exact descriptions of what I go through.

      I have been married for less than 2 years. We have our baby's baptism coming up and the whole event has become about my mother and how it will fit into her life. Never mind that we tried to find a date that would work for majority of the family and especially the godparents... it also happened to fall on the same date as something else my mother refuses to miss, and now it has become me and my wife's problem to change the day, time, and location so my mom can attend. We weren't able to do so, and its been WWIII for the past few days.

    • profile image

      Anonymous 2 months ago

      Above all else that has been mentioned above, my parents give me physical and mental complexes in vain hope that I will miraculously change in an instant, much like bullying only though they express it in a hysterical way. It discourages me to live any further and being the cotton-wrapped child I have been my life, I was never able to have a social life and therefore being the antisocial person, I would see the people around me get girlfriends or boyfriends and for me to be lonely.

    • profile image

      Lindsay 2 months ago

      This article blew me away...it was like it was directly describing the relationship I have with my mother. It’s wild. And it makes me feel better knowing that I’m not alone. For years our family has been ignoring this problem that just keeps building and I think I’ve finally reached my boiling point. Thank you for the insight and everyone else for their comments. It’s truly eye opening .

    • profile image

      Lindy 3330 2 months ago

      I have a codependent mother. It is so hard dealing with her. Ever since I was a little girl she would get overdramatic over somethiNg so trivial and would always let me defend her. It breaks my heart everytime especially at times when I honestly don't know how to deal with adult problems yet I have to find solutions because she would say things like it's better for her to jump off a bridge or whatnot. And more often than not she is inconsistent to the point of driving us (me and my siblings ) knots. I must admit it is so hard to deal with a codependent parent. I often hide in the toilet and cry my eyes out because I get exhausted all the time. Even a siMple text message she gets she would asks me what to reply. As simple question like, "how are you." It would have been more bearable if my father had lived longer but he died when I turned 13. He was a lion. And I miss him ef everyday. I miss having someone stronger than me. Especially on days when I don't have the energy to fight.

    • profile image

      rition 2 months ago

      Does anyone still live with one or both of their parents as an adult? I imagine it being difficult when you have your own life and getting unexpected phone calls or having them drop by unexpectedly, but it's a lot different when you live with them and they change the narrative to suit their needs.

      If you have a problem even a physical illness, it doesn't exist or "no one wants to hear about it." If you try to assert yourself, they exaggerate your issues and blame it on "mood swings" for reacting to something that any normal person would feel offended about. If you get them in a group situation with a professional, they say "We try to get him

      to do this and he doesn't listen."

      I honestly don't think either one of them are aware of their behavior. I've been reading that parents like this were probably treated this way by their parents, but I'm not sure. My mom was at least allowed to leave the house when she was younger and moved out in her late teens or early twenties.

      I don't have the life skills but this is who they are anyway. It just so happens that I have these problems and my siblings are also introverted. Life would already be difficult even if you waved a magic wand over my parents and they were better versions of themselves. This is just a sick joke though. It feels like I'm living in an office environment. When either of them are in a good mood, I don't lower my guard anymore because I know it'll change, it's just a matter of when.

    • profile image

      rition 2 months ago

      "If Im tired my mother is more tired, if im sick shes even sicker, if im upset noone is more upset than her."

      Sounds familiar. Also, "No one does more than me." Everything's a competition and she's the victim.

    • profile image

      Anonymous 123 2 months ago

      My father is an alcoholic and my mother is codependent. I’ve never been able to go to either of them for comforting or anything like that. I don’t know what it is like to have parents you can rely on. If Im tired my mother is more tired, if im sick shes even sicker, if im upset noone is more upset than her. Im 33 now and I truly am exhausted of both of them. If my alcoholic father says hurtful things to me, shes dealt with worse....Im not married, I have no children and I often think maybe its better this way. I would hate to be a bad mother. From the outside you would never know what I deal with. Im usually very outgoing and social. But some days, days like today Im feeling like I have PTSD. Her calling me crying about something just brought back so many messed up memories. Memories that I cant shake off....the sad part is they will never be able to sympathize or just give me a hug and use words of comfort to make me feel better.

    • profile image

      Sarah 2 months ago

      My parents are exactly what you are describing. My parents had always been codependent but I had never gone through any situation that made me suffer from it. Until I decided I wanted to study abroad for six months with some college friends. They never liked the idea, thought it was stupid, risky and that I was an idiot for choosing that and missing out job opportunities during those months. They also thought I wouldn't be under their control so I shouldn't go. I honestly thought about this a lot, for over seven months, I read and asked a lot of people about its pros and cons. Until I finally convinced myself it was what I truly wanted for my life. I had my heart set on it. My parents freaked out. They always thought I wouldn't do it. I wasn't going to ask them for money (of course they had told me they wouldn't give me a dollar). But that was

      it for them. They could not accept that their daughter was doing something they didn't think was good. But up to that point, even though the arguments and fights were intense and they always ended up yelling, I still felt I could choose. So when they realised I had finally made my choice, which wasn't the one they expected, they started with their manipulative tactics. Just two weeks before I had to go (I had already bought the flight ticket) my mom started crying saying I was dead to her. She didn't have a daughter anymore. She didn't want me to call her or ever talk to her ever again. And after that, my dad told me one of the worst things he could have ever told me and that I will never forget nor forgive. He killed me. I couldn't believe he could say such a hurtful thing to me. He wanted me to feel extremely guilty for wanting something they didn't want. The problem with manipulative and codependent parents is that they create this unhealthy relationship which they cannot see. They think they are doing what is right and that someday I will understand. And the truth is I won't. I am living a life that is not what I chose, even though I am 23 and I could have financed that trip on my own. That is destructive for our relationship. How can I ever forgive them for forcing me to live a life I did not choose?. I never meant to hurt anyone with this choice. I never thought they would take it this far. But I do know that when I am older I will regret not having done it. And that also hurts. This situation only creates more pain and makes me want to leave the house as soon as I can. I really hope we can all all learn from our parents' mistakes and be better with our children, let them choose what makes them happy.

    • profile image

      AdriT 2 months ago

      I was mind-blown when I came across these 8 signs. It was as if someone was describing every aspect of my relationship with my mother in detail. This post has helped me understand the dynamics of an unhealthy relationship - it's very difficult to understand what is happening when it's the only thing one has known their whole life! I am in the process of establishing boundaries and experiencing an uphill battle, specifically tantrums thrown by my mother where my friends, loved ones, and members of our community are brought into these (embarrassing) discussions (via email, phone, social media, etc) with the purpose of getting what she wants. I only wish I would have been aware of this years ago... I am now in my thirties and have had many issues that were a direct cause of these unhealthy interactions including depression, anxiety, and personality insecurities. All of course have had a negative effect on personal and work relationships. I strongly encourage everyone that is in a similar relationship dynamic to act as soon as possible and take control of your life. THANK YOU FOR POSTING.

    • profile image

      Amber Lerella 3 months ago

      thank you so much for this post. I'm 16 now, but I've been aware of my mother's codependency issues for quite some time, even since my father divorced her. he was her rock, he told me on numerous occasions how he felt like their relationship was more father-daughter as opposed to the marriage they affirmed. I struggle with depression and anxiety, potentially even bipolar but my mother simply does not care enough about my life & welbeing to arrange a doctor's appointment, or anything of the sort. I've told her how I felt like my life wasn't worth living and she disregarded it repeatedly, she didn't even tell my father that I needed help. she pushes all my problems under the rug and complains about herself all the time, especially her first world problems. it's always "me me me" with her, I basically do not matter unless I'm trying to improve my life. she has something to say if I propose the idea of me going back to work or college, I took a temporary break from both due to my depression and dire lack of motivation. she doesn't have a job, claims she desires one yet makes no effort to acquire one. she doesn't have a car, refuses to drive out of a fear of "crashing". I'm home bound with her all day and she doesn't seem to care, she asks me if I'm ready to re-attend college but never offers me any solutions. all I ever wanted from her was for her to say, arrange a spontaneous spa break for us both. that's what normal mothers do when they sense their child is suffering, no? she has no mind of her own and everything turned to crap once my dad moved out. I've literally thought about doing that for myself, because she would never conjure up such a gesture. she never wants to show me love, appreciation, or anything, and I feel it's because she can't, not because she's withholding it. I don't remember the last time she did something for me that I hadn't asked her to twenty times first. she used to complain about making me cups of tea, as if it was the hardest thing anyone's had to do. I do everything for myself now, and she'll still complain about trifling things like a single wrapper not in the trash. I'm living independently, but I'm doing everything for her. I've given up on my own life as a result of her giving up on hers. I've had to be independent all this time, but my life has become a total catastrophe in the process. she asks me for help with EVERYTHING, we're supposed to be moving house soon and I bet she expects me to do EVERYTHING at 16, it's her job to arrange house viewings and removal vans, etc, not mine. I'd be happy to chip in, but why on earth does she leave everything to me? codependency.

    • profile image

      Jane Best 3 months ago

      My Mom has had a temper since I can remember – her reactions do not ‘tally’ to whatever ‘event’ has happened. A classic example from a few years ago is when I nipped into a local boutique to grab a birthday present. It was c. 3pm and I was due at her house to take her to choose a new TV. When I told her that I’d dropped into the boutique, she instantly became toxic towards me with comments such as “Why couldn’t you have told me, your old mother who you know likes to get out?!” She accuses me of doing things like that in secret even though it’s not secret ‘cause I told her. Btw, she is completely capable of getting out to shops herself.

      I explained that I was in and out as no time for browsing or wondering around the village – plus it was out of my way to pick her up just for such a quick visit to a shop.

      She was horrible to me. On the journey in my car to choose her TV, she was hissing expletives under her breath (I’m sure she thought that she was only thinking them but I could hear her!) I’ve had several of those instances over the years. That and comments like “I could be dead soon anyway”. Had those since I was a teenager and am now 46. I retaliated once saying that I could be killed on the fairly long motorway journey to / from work and that shut her up for a bit.

      When I caught my husband of three years having a major sexual and emotional affair (end Nov. 2016) and found out it had been going on for nearly four years, (kicked him out for four months), it was two months before I told her – and I only did that over the ‘phone ‘cause I’d been drinking. I was amazed at her sympathetic response to be honest esp. considering that shortly after I’d caught him but before telling her, she was yelling at me, with her face almost contorted, telling me that he was a “Nasty little man. NASTY LITTLE MAN.” Why? Because we’d asked her to join us at a local pub for big surprise visit for some family over from Oz. She didn’t believe he really wanted her there, ‘though he did. Paranoia seems to be another of her traits. Anyway, she said she relieved to know why I was on anti-depressants which I am sure she was; part of me also thinks that she felt she had ‘one over’ on my husband. I could be being unfair on that one.

      She’s mellowed a bit until recently, when she’ll blurt out for no reason, “I’m just a burden to you aren’t I?” I am there every Saturday afternoon to take her shopping and have done that for over twenty years. I’ve been there several times last year painting and staining outside steps, walls and the shed. I’ve been seeing a therapist about husband’s selfish affair with his married mistress and about my Mom’s controlling behaviour. I told her I wanted one Saturday off a month and she called me selfish. I said my brother would come over once a month from Wolverhampton (I told him he had to step up) but she said “I don’t want HIM taking me shopping; I remember once he did that and then drove off and I had to get the bus home.” He was about 18 then, he is now 54.

      The latest, last Friday, I went to the pub opposite where I live and the battery on my mobile went flat. Got in the house and shortly after the landline rang. She was going nuts saying that she’d not been able to get me on either ‘phone. I tried to explain but I couldn’t get a word in and it got so bad that I had to hang up on her. I must that admit. I wished she’d die that night so that I could be free of her bullying ways. At the time, I think that I meant it which makes me ashamed as I am a Christian. I called her Saturday night but got one word answers. No “God bless” to me at end of call like she normally does, even though I said it to her. Drove by her house on Monday after work to check she wasn’t lying on the living floor but she had her blinds pulled shut tight which she doesn’t normally do, so she’ll have known I was likely to stop by. She knows how I’ll react to her amazing way of making me feel guilty as much as I do. Called her Monday night and got a few more words from her but she was still miserable towards me and no “God bless” again. I didn’t say it this time either as just felt emotionally ‘battered’ by her. She hasn’t called me. One of us calls the other just about every night (unless we fall asleep) to say goodnight but she hasn’t bothered. It’s now Thursday.

      I’ve told her several time to call my husband if she can’t reach me as chances are, I’m stood next to him or he’ll know where I am. She forgets to do that and instead launches into a rage.

      I want to check on her as I worry, as she is 88 but the thought of another hard telephone conversation fills me dread. She makes me feel like child. People say it’s her age but it’s NOTHING to do with age. Her neighbour who died a couple of months ago was 90+ and she wasn’t like it. My brother’s Mom-in-law, Joyce, is in her late 70s and she’s not like it. Some say it’s ‘cause my Dad died when I was six, but Joyce lost her husband young too.

      My Mom is generous with her money but I’ve said many times to family etc. that I’d rather she kept it and gave anything in her Will to charity, and instead that she was nice towards me and my brother.

      She can be really funny and light but her rages really come out of ‘left field’. I honestly believe that she has something called Borderline Personality Disorder as she fits 5-6 of the 9 traits: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorder...

      I know I won’t change her and I’ve been working hard to change my reaction to her; Friday, I’d had a drink and she was just shouting over me so I snapped. So, I want to call her, if anything to try get back to ‘normal’ however long that will last.

    • profile image

      To robynbase 3 months ago

      I really appreciate your post. What beautiful comments despite such terrible circumstances. Your heart is in the right place.

    • profile image

      Rition 3 months ago

      I just wish I'd known this information years ago. I figured it wouldn't matter with my problems but I also had better life skills when I was younger compared to now. Either my life would've improved or I would've crashed but not under their authority. Now I have no option but to live with one person I despise and another who has good qualities but is still controlling/plays the victim/defends the abuser. It's either that or become part of the system and have absolutely no independence. Homelessness isn't really an option either because I live in the middle of nowhere.

      One thing that'd help is if they both took a vacation, but I'm lucky to get maybe a few hours of alone time.

      It's just hard living a lie because there aren't any other options.

      I'm sorry for anyone who has to deal with this kind of control. Living at home makes it tougher but I imagine it's just as bad when you have your own life but you're getting calls from them left and right.

      I'm not sure what causes this type of parenting. Neither of my parents were overprotected. My mom's implied that my grandfather was tough but I know that her and her brothers and sisters weren't kept on tight leashes.

      She's a lot easier to deal with than my father who basically has no redeeming qualities.

    • profile image

      robynbase 3 months ago

      I have parents that have traits of some disorders. I paid a good amount for counseling and felt some freedom in just being able to articulate my experiences. Ultimately I have to change on my own by asking God for help because I know what a mess I am. I have accepted who they are and have let go of expectations. I don't want to diagnose them myself, but I can say my mom has traits of a co-dependent and borderline personality or bi-polar. My dad has traits of narcissism and co-dependency. My dad has enabled her emotional volatility and alcoholism. As many have explained about their own parents, they are also loving and caring. No one would describe them as bad or mean. But they have been destructive, nevertheless. Holidays and family gatherings are my mom's worst time of manipulation and control. She expects everything to be perfect. No one can make an expression she doesn't like. She spends without any budget in mind, although they're on a small fixed income. If anyone tries to rein in her spending by saying we don't need all the food and gifts, she will cry or say she's going to do it anyway. It seems nice, but it's clearly another way to salve the wounds in her soul. It's either that, or alcohol, or some other distraction. I've talked to them both about how they are hurting me deeply, and they respond by cutting off communication for long periods. I do not ask for an apology or tell them how their actions in the past hurt me. There's no point. I've just asked them not to share details of their marital problems (which they've done since I was a toddler) or send me hateful texts with cuss words and horrendous accusations. They will stop for a time until they feel that I'm over it, and then they do it all again. I can barely stand their company for more than an hour. They have a way of messing with my mind and making me feel like they're digging at my soul. They're hurt deeply inside, so they can't break free permanently from their behavior. It's sad for me because I wish my parents could have been part of my life in a wholesome way, but they just cannot do it. I ask God to fill up that loneliness in my heart and to help me grow because I am still unable to respond to them with love and maturity.

    • profile image

      Arch1e 3 months ago

      I've just read this and showed it to my brother. He asked did I write it. It describes our mother to a tee. It makes heartening and horrible reading in equal measures. I'm so glad to be able to put a name to what it is we experience, but find it massively upsetting that it happens, and other people have suffered it to the point that it has a label and a webpage(s) about it.

      I am currently suffering from a major bout of depression and was hospitalised for a week just before Christmas because of it. My mother's response to this has been centred around her and she shouts at me when we try to discuss things. This leads me reacting to not being listened to by swearing at her (which I'm not proud of = guilt) and then she deals out the more guilt and becomes emotionally aggressive. She is Irish and says its just her manner.

      She is quite simply impossible to deal with. My brother and I agreed that it is like being in an abusive relationship. I would rather have no contact with her but know will be hammered by her because she is bi-polar and her sons should support her and how dare I cut her off because she is ill and that she raised me when her marriage split up (I was 5 at the time, now 42).

      I would really like her to read this page. Has anyone on this forum ever shared this with their person and what was the outcome?

    • profile image

      Rica 3 months ago

      My mother is extremely manipulative, and my father is both manipulative and abusive. Infact, almost everyone in my family is manipulatiave and abusive. I'm now blamed for ruining Christmas because apparently I didn't smile "enough" when opening my present. And now she's spreading the word of how ungrateful I am, how I don't love her, and then she got family friends to turn on me. This kind of behaviour didn't just happen on Christmas, it happens almost daily, it's a regular occurance. I seriously have no where to go, and I'm bloody annoyed at all the lies she's told. She's twisting stories, twisting my words, I thought when I escaped one abusive parent, I would never have to deal with it again.

      Well, there goes that.

    • profile image

      rition 4 months ago

      Hi Xanna,

      Sorry for the late response. I think myopic is a better word to describe both of my parents. I don't think either of them are aware of what they're doing which makes it worse. Being intentionally controlled isn't any better but it would have been easier for a professional to spot years ago. A mom that cares too much might have just made her come off as concerned and slightly overprotective instead of what it really was and still is.

    • profile image

      rition 4 months ago

      My parents bought me a video game system for christmas. The problem with this is i'm in my 30s and haven't played video games since middle school.

      They knew i didn't want anything. I'm also a minimalist anyway. I tried to stay out of the gift exchanging but they told me to come down. Now i'm being blamed for ruining christmas.

      Shows you how clueless they are. Like buying a gift could make up for all of the passive aggressive side comments and control. They told me they had to search all over the place for it. Now i'm being pinned as the abuser.

      I don't have the greatest people skills but i wouldn't spend hundreds of dollars on a gift i know someone would never want then blame them for not being able to keep a poker face. I'm just sick of this.

    • profile image

      Teddy 4 months ago

      I have a mother that makes me fly back and forth by plane to university and back every week. Its been hard. I am her world and I just thought it'll be healthy for me and her to be apart for awhile. She visits me every 2 weeks, therefore I see her 9 out of 14 days, and I'm by myself every 5 days. I have siblings but there id no offset. Therapists are useless. Everyday, I'm deciding whether I should surrender or runaway. I often have fights with her every week because She puts most oh her loss on me. She is the bread winner of the family, so most of the time she gets to be right. She has a tragic past so there's lots of room to play victim. I'm at the edge trying to figure which is best to do. We both want opposite things. One would indeed have to suffer. I love my mum, it'sad and laughable.

    • profile image

      Xanna 4 months ago


      I understand what you are saying about others not seeing it. Your mom is probably narcissistic which makes her a good manipulator. Narcissistic people can put on a good show to anyone outside of family that truly know them.

    • profile image

      Xana 4 months ago

      I have codependent parents and my husband has a codependent mother.

    • profile image

      ME 4 months ago

      When someone says - wow this is so accurate it almost like you made this up yourself its so exact. HA. *cries*

    • profile image

      TAACCT3 4 months ago

      I'm just glad I'm not as alone as she always made me think.

    • profile image

      rition 4 months ago

      Why is it that therapists have no idea about codependent or narcissistic parenting? I tell them what's going on in my house and they just listen and don't ask any further questions.

      My current therapist actually bought my mom's victim act until he got to know me more and I'm sure he still probably might feel bad for her.

      The other professional I confided in believes me but the social workers he recommended don't take my crappy insurance anyway.

      Parents like mine want their adult children to live with them forever and then complain about them living at home. I wonder what would have happened if they'd had a daughter or an assertive son instead of me and my other sibling. They wouldn't have known what to do because they would have stood up to them at a much younger age.

      Sorry if I'm venting, but it's frustrating when no one steps in. My dad's an emotionally abusive prick even to my mom and he walks around guilt free while I'm having panic attacks. My mom gets mad at me when I give it right back to him.

      TL:DR: If you have the life skills, assert independence as early as possible or you'll be stuck forever.

    • profile image

      Tim 4 months ago

      Saved my sanity. Now I'm not going to go therapy for this. I know its okay to let go of them permanently without the accompanying guilt. Now time to just move on with life.

      Thank you.

    • profile image

      tam 4 months ago

      thank you Kim B. =)

    • profile image

      random teen 4 months ago

      Wow I knew something was up with my mom. We have the worst relationship. Now I know that she’s codependent. This was a veg informative and good article, thank you. I just wish I knew how to handle my mother bc she is becoming unbearable and literally makes me depressed. Oh well

    • profile image

      rition 4 months ago


      I talked to a professional who told me that my father's actions qualify as abuse. Not only the verbal insults and stonewalling, but also raising a hand to any of us shows intent even if he never actually hits anyone.

      I'm glad I found this article and some of the accompanying links. Sometimes I let my guard down because either he isn't home or he's nice for a short period of time. Looking back on it he's always made these comments to everyone in the family. Seeing his actions get progressively worse forced me to talk to someone else about it.

      My mom's actions are a lot more manageable because of the lack of a temper. We also spend a lot of time together whereas my father's made no effort to get to know me as a person and shut down any talk about anything important.

      I'm not going to report it yet because there's a lot to think about and a lot of potential dominoes to fall that affect everything else. I might also have less credibility because of my own mental health issues but the person I talked said they'd vouch for me and this has been discussed with most therapists I've seen in the past.

      I'm just glad I found this info and know that I'm not alone in dealing with this.

    • profile image

      rition 4 months ago

      My mom has both codependent and narcissistic traits. Used to live through my problems, now she blames me for her problems. Then if I try to establish independence she turns back into codependent.

      Dad is definitely a narcissist. Never thought it described him because he doesn't really like attention and doesn't have any friends outside of work. The only people that see it are me and everyone in the house. Verbally insulting.

      Never admits he's wrong about anything. Blames us for other people's mistakes. Cares what the neighbors think even though he doesn't talk to them.

      One thing that's helped me is separating my own issues from their behavior. Sometimes it's easy to think "I deserve it" but they're the same way with my other siblings and they'd have the same personalities regardless.

    • profile image

      Anon 5 months ago

      This article describes my mother's behavior as of recently to a T. Glad I read the comments so I could

    • profile image

      Ggg 5 months ago

      Yep this is a narcissist. Describes my own mother. Not codepenant at all....... and it’s at the top of google. I hope people searching for info bother to read the comments.

    • profile image

      John 5 months ago

      This article 100% describes the narcissist. Who ever wrote is either a narcissist themselves or has no clue what they are talking about.

    • profile image

      Debra 5 months ago

      Amy is correct. This is describing Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is my 99 year old mother who, even now, makes my life miserable. I am 61 and exhausted. I wish I could go ‘no contact’ but it is not possible to turn your back on someone so old. Frail in body, maybe, but totally evil.

    • profile image

      Amy 5 months ago

      This article is describing Narcissistic Personality Traits- not codependency.

    • profile image

      Biting Bird 5 months ago

      We just recently went No Contact from my codependent mother and father over a year ago. I am 48 years old and struggled for years of dealing with everything listed in the above article plus many issues not covered.

      I come from a family of confusing upbringing, abuse on multiple levels and once I became an adult the manipulation from my mother manifested into a more clever and sinister form similar to what's mentioned in the article about subtle manipulation and guilt with retracting after the adult child acquiesces etc...

      My mother would 'rewrite' our childhood history to perhaps sound better than it really was which is pointless and many times inaccurate according to timelines due to the age differences in my siblings and myself. Most of the true stories were fine as they were: our not having enough money to afford certain clothes, my not driving a specific car we owned. I don't know why it necessary to embellish our history to make it seem 'better' when the truth is what gave us humility.

      However, the abuse and trauma she would rather I leave in the past all together and she doesn't acknowledge any of it, and there was plenty to cover. Enough for me to seek therapy and decide I could no longer play 'Good Little Daughter' any longer.

      Thankfully I have a wonderful husband of 26 years that has helped me through this journey and I have found a fantastic tribe of supportive friends (one being my sister) that have stuck with me through something a lot of people just don't generally understand. I don't expect anything of the rest of my family. This was my decision for my healing. I forgive. I love. But I can't forget.

      One can love from a distance.

    • profile image

      Marcus1778 5 months ago

      Alright so needless to say this was a very interesting read.

      I'm 23 years old and I have a crippled 60 year old father that I still live with. Mom took off claiming that my dad was all of these things when I was 7 years old and dad made her out to be an evil woman for it. Dad raised me homeschooled which was really no schooling at all.

      Recently i've started seeing more and more bad things about my current situation, and maybe even seeing what my mom was talking about now even though i haven't spoken to her in years. I tested at 17 for a GED so I could go out and start working, I didn't have much of a choice because my dad hasn't worked since I was 14 and we were on the verge of losing our house and going completely bankrupt. He always said he was too crippled from a lifetime of hardwork to continue working. I always thought that the right thing to do was to take care of him since he took care of me, I worked myself crazy for many years and saw no personal benefit out of it. Finally I worked myself up to where I am now, I'm an oilfield worker on a 7 on and 7 off schedule making plenty of money to go out and finally live life instead of working 6 on 1 off like I did at my last job. I make plenty of money to continue paying down the mortgage I inherited and even stash some away.

      However My dad hasn't gotten off the couch for 6 years now... Occasionally he might cook or clean the house up a little but thats it. No helping out with the financial situation, Which even that would be fine but everytime I try to make plans or go do something I get guilted into staying home with him, Or something else comes up to stop me from going out and actually living a life.

      I would love to move out and just live on my own, but He's now been a Diabetic for 8 years and isn't really dealing with it in a healthy manner. He does have trouble walking which is why I don't begrudge him for not working. I don't want to leave and have him lose his house that isn't paid off for yet, Nor do I want to see him get sick or fall down and hurt himself without someone being there.. but at the same time i'm 23 years old and I can't go out and do basically anything except work because He will throw a pity party for himself and basically guilt me into staying with him so he won't be lonely. Feels like i'm left with the decision of either throwing away his life or throwing away my own life.

      Not sure what to do.. but it's atleast nice to see that i'm not alone and this appears to be an issue among alot of people. Best of luck to anyone out there who is dealing with issues that pertain to this subject. I know first hand how hellish it can be.

    • profile image

      Lydia 6 months ago

      Thank you very much for posting this. It was like you wrote this just for me. I have been struggling with my codependent mother, especially as an adult. I am 45 years young. LOL I am an only child. She always put me down, comparing me to other people, harping about my weight, my grades (despite being a straight A student), my career choices. I even graduated top of my class in college (summa cum laude) and yet that wasn't good enough. She didn't even attend my graduation, because she was embarrassed that the college that I graduated from didn't have a "good name."I went to graduate school. She refused to attend that graduation, saying that grad school was a waste of time. She has done everything that she can to maintain control. First, it was financially, holding on to my inheritance, which I finally gave up fighting for. Then, she tried to manipulate my daughter/her grand-daughter by telling her of all my "mistakes." I finally had enough when we bought our house, and she started calling my husband a loser and stupid, and telling me that I was stupid. After she sent a very nasty text message, I blocked her on my social media and phone. My husband and I have had problems in our marriage, but since ceasing contact with her, we have had peace and can see how damaging she was to our marriage. But she has persisted on finding ways to get in touch with me. I have changed my email address and am about to change my phone number. She is so controlling. I feel bad for her at times, but know that I cannot keep the cycle going. I doubt that I'll speak to my mother again, but I know that I'm doing the right thing. I don't want my daughter around someone so manipulative.

    • profile image

      Chatterbox76 6 months ago

      I truly don’t know what my situation is with my family. I went from taking care of my mother for the most part. All 59 years I am her only daughter and have three living brothers all within a 30 mile radius of each other. My mother was diagnosed with dementia and then the grief begins. My brothers and in laws and nieces and even my one daughter (38) all ganged up on me. I was her POA and doing everything the POA was supposed to do, I tried relentlessly to have a meeting with my brothers and they refused. Saying there is nothing wrong with her and she just has short term memory loss, she is 85. Now my mother and I have always had a rough relationship, she simply does not know how to Love. For years I would do anything and everything to try and get her to love me. To fill that void I have been longing for since I was a child. She blamed me for everything. She always protected my brothers. She and my daughter are very close. She shows favoritism to her over all her other grandkids. My daughter and I used to be close. It’s all changed and I don’t honestly know why. I tried to express my hurt over all of this. And it kept getting pushed back on me. My other daughter gets treated like crap by her. Always has. She’s used to it she said. Her and her sister have no relationship. Well, my daughter (her favorite) is now her POA. I got thrown under the bus by my entire family with exception of my one daughter. Now the estranged daughter lost her house and has moved in with my mother. She is married (I paid for her entire wedding) she has a 2 year old son that I have been stripped from seeing. Been almost a year now. My heart is broken beyond belief. I live alone with my four legged best friend. And still after all of this non-healthy toxic crap I am standing. Had cancer twice and currently in remission. My doctors want me to remain as stress free as possible. My one brother attempted to choke me during this nightmare drama over my mother. All because they don’t get it. Denial. I don’t know. They wanted me out. I believe my mother is a game player too. She tells stories. Untruthful ones about me and they believe her hook line and sinker. I have been accused of stealing taking advantage of and you name it. My aunts my moms sisters, no better. They know I would never do something like that. They know all I have done for her etc. I truly think my mother is sick and not only with dementia. Her whole family is dysfunctional. I got out of it almost a year ago now. However, my heart remains broken. My loss of my mother and daughter and grandchild is almost unbearable. I ask myself why are you still yearning for your mother and daughter to love you? I think that makes me co dependent perhaps. My mother years and years ago blamed me for my father divorcing her. I was only 21 then. I took on the guilt and kept trying to find her approval of me. In this whole mess my daughter latched on to her. My mother is a liar, she’d tell me one thing and her another. And I truly believe she floats over all of this. I wish I knew why? I may never know why. My family refused to talk to me. And just yesterday my ED moved in to her home. Why am I hurting so much. I do seek therapy over this mess. I am putting my focus on the one daughter and grandkids who do love me. However I still have a hole there. I think of the kindness I have given to my mother and my ED. All I wanted in return was respect. And I couldn’t get even that. My cancer did not bring our family closer. My mother was not there emotionally for me, nor my daughter. But she is for my ED and her my mother. I walked away, however not completely. Hoping they especially my ED would come to realize some things. But I still remain a broken soul. I got to the point of constantly doubting myself. Question myself is it me? Wow, the whole family against one. What message does that send to me? There has to be something wrong with me. Although deep inside I think it’s not me, it’s them.

    • StephieAuggie2010 profile image

      StephieAuggie2010 6 months ago

      Hi I'm new here I kept doing online searches for my situation and I kept coming back to read here. Long story short I moved in with my 60 yr old mom because the last couple of years she's not been herself she isn't remembering she's engaging in inappropriate behavior and has seemingly lost any sense of boundaries (I can be getting dressed and she'll start talking to me through the door and just walk in and keep talking or she'll offer waaaay too much info on her bodily happenings in convo with people) she hasn't been taking care of her house like she used to, a few times she's forgotten to feed her bird all day she was seeing a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety but I think she's manic bipolar I've seen her go from extremely depressed for three days to suddenly out of nowhere she's upbeat cleaning the house it's two extremes all my life I bent at the will of my mom and there were a few times she put me in situations where I was alone and had to fend for myself or caused trouble like when I inherited money at 20 she helped me put $ into a CD and told me "don't tell your father you have this account" I get back to my dad's to find out she called him and told him in what must have been right after I left her house because they lived only 5 minutes away driving distance, she's been pouting when I go with my idea instead of her she really pushes her ideas and it feels like she's bossing me or manipulating me because if she doesn't get her way or I speak up she pouts and for the next few days she claims to have all day long panic attacks BUT WONT SEE A DR she stopped seeing her psychiatrist and stopped meds she's given many reasons for this from not liking the Dr to not wanting to take meds because they are more dangerous than helpful, my fiance and son are here with me so I have my fiance to talk to but he has no experience so can't give advice just an ear to listen. I don't know what to do with her being stubborn and not seeking medical care for her mental illness, she has gone from pretty peaceful to sometimes combative verbally and passive aggressiveness, she is also coming up with memories of things that never happened or even make any sense like I went to visit her neighbor with her and she told this woman I was so bad when I was little that she kicked me out of the house when I was 9 said that she picked me up and physically removed me from the house, that is so bizarre to hear I have no idea what to make of it that's just one example there's more, I don't even know if I've covered everything I just had to come and talk and would love advice tonight was hard i stood up for something and spoke my mind (not rudely or about a sensitive topic it was about my son's rabbits cage) and she suddenly got withdrawn and stood in the kitchen at the table in plain view and just stood there silently and still for nearly 19 minutes it was so creepy it was like she didn't like what I said so she was pouting to get me to react or coddle her? Just my take on how it felt it was like a child pouting for attention, I do NOT handle people trying to manipulate me well at all

    • Sheena Bradley profile image

      Sheena Bradley 6 months ago from Ireland

      Ryan, I am sorry you are so sad about the relationship troubles you are experiencing. You are young, I am 51 and am only now feeling strong enough to 'hold my boundaries' with my family members. I suppose I'm saying, I think you do know what you need to do. I'd love to say 'perhaps your mum and sister will change' but experience tells me that they probably won't :(

      Just take small steps at first and see how you get on. Distance yourself gradually as yes, it is painful... but so is being involved with people who hurt you and can't treat you well. You will hopefully have many years ahead of you with your wife, perhaps even starting your own family. Be true to yourself. Good luck!!

    • profile image

      codependent parents 6 months ago

      How do you move away from codependent parents with literally no help out on the outside?

      Neither of them are interested in helping me and then just complain about me as if they're the victims.

      If I go for a walk, one of them tracks me down immediately. A couple times they called the cops even though I was just trying to get away from them.

      When they feel like they're losing control, they've also threatened to bring me to the police station or the hospital just for standing up for myself.

      Unfortunately I don't have a time machine to assert myself at a much younger age and put my life in my own hands.

      My therapist's answer is deep breathing techniques lol. Unless you've been in the situation, people don't understand how toxic this parenting technique is and the only answer is to get as far away from them as possible early on.

    • profile image

      Chatterbox71 6 months ago

      Spot on. Thank you for sharing these insights; it's so important for children of such people to understand--as EARLY on as possible--that they are not losing their minds but are being manipulated and made to feel blame they don't deserve. I am just beginning to understand the level of mind games played on me, especially from age 10 on, after my dad died and I was alone with such a parent--and I am in my 40s! I've only just begun to begin severing ties, and I am disgusted by the number of hours I was made to feel awful about one thing or another, the numbers of hours I spent (and still spend) in therapy because of someone else's blunders, and the way it has unravelled relative normalcy in my life (SO many ways). Bless any of you who have gone through this. I hope you can find new people to be in your corner your whole life through. I know personally how hard it is to "create" family when there is none to speak of.

    • profile image

      Harps 6 months ago

      This is very sad! I've lived a life full of happiness but also so much sadness, my parents always argue over stupid things, my dad left the house when I was 16 I was hurt and confused. My mom had a brain surgery when I was about 8-9 my parents were absent my whole childhood. My dad would constantly drink and never care and my mom would be in the hospital crying. I knew from an early age that my family was broken and I hated everyone around me. Things just seem to have gotten worse my mom is constantly moody and always yells at me I've tried so much to help her and keep her positivity and she doesn't care me and my sisters are always upset but have to put a smile on our faces Becuase no one must see us sad. I'm 21 now I still feel jealous of other kids who have amazing parents that listen to them. My parents are great parents to other kids.

      I hope that one day I never treat my children the way my parents treated me and my sisters, I hope we are all happy and can stay positive.

    • profile image

      Anna 6 months ago

      I've been married for 9 years now. My MIL is the codependent parent to my husband. It's exhausting and I can see even how our relationship is getting affected!

    • profile image

      Anonymous 7 months ago

      I don't know why no one here gives any answers as to how to deal with parents like these. It's all about venting. No one is listening to each other?

    • profile image

      Sulaymaan 7 months ago

      That's almost exactly what's going on between my father and I. It all began in high school, we always had a tight relationship. As a child I was unaware of the lack in the fatherly provider department of my childhood circumstances. So being the hard worker I am I picked myself up a paper route, shoot" I even got myself2-3 routes innocently earning money as a little boy and saving my money for the things I wanted most to make up for my father's shortcomings.

      Not to say I "ungrateful" for having a loving father, roof over my head, and groceries. However once I graduated high school I immediately found myself a good job. Unfortunately simultaneously my father lost his job, plus the recession hit!

      All was cool, I was attending college plus working2-3 jobs, until a bitter reality kicked in that here I am working my a** off meanwhile my father's on staycation not even keeping a clean home for me to come home. Where I find myself doing chores which I don't mind, but I clearly bit off more than I could chew. Then I find myself getting in heated arguments with my father which seem like he was always home, and I had no space for me. Now I'm30 dropped out of college, trying my best to keep on track again and live my life. However it is challenging being that I'm currently dependent on my father "now he's working" steadily for once, yet he's still dependent on me to do stuff for him. When I dislike being selfish (as he once before described me being, [guilt tactic] but I need to focus on me! I enjoy be independent, way before I can take care of anyone else. I don't like having to rely on anyone else for what I want and need out of (my) life.

    • profile image

      Zarina 7 months ago

      I believe my mother is exactly as this described. Our situation is very long and complex to explain, but she's always felt fake. Like every word or emotion she's said or displayed to me was forced or not real. And she always started arguments with me about EVERYTHING. even after I turned 18. She's shame me and insult me, and if I fought back she'd cry or blow up even more and say things like " I never want to see you again for the rest of the night" and try to ground me. She got mad at me for not telling her I was moving out after highschool( age 20 now. . I'm a slow learner) and started a fight with me when she found out. Then she was cold city. Until the last two weeks before I left, where she turned the situation around to look like a saint. I haven't spoken to her since, and have her blocked on everything. Including her number.

    • profile image

      Fiona 7 months ago

      I feel as though my parents really hate me! My dad hasn't spoken to me in 7 yrs and will walk past me and my toddler on the street, and my mother is always angry at me! They never like this with my brother! Its hurtful and makes me sad and angry inside! Im beginning to think i am a problem!

    • profile image

      Ryan 7 months ago

      My mom is in competition with every female that enters my life and cannot reflect on her actions to see that they are ever wrong. My mom is over emotional and never actually listens to anything I say. When I am talking she is only brainstorming what she is going to say next.

      My mom thinks that my sister(28) and I(31) need to be best friends and we do not have personalities that work well together. My sister is always in competition with me but there isn't really anything to compete over. She cannot elevate her life to me emotionally, financially, or respect that I get from others. She often makes irrational decisions that are based on emotion and doesn't consider others feelings. I make very calculated decisions and don't think much of competing with her in any way. I think that my sister would be excited on the inside if something drastically bad happened to me but would be the first person to post on facebook that she is so sorry for me.

      My mom constantly tries to make us all get together for any event... I am in my 30's and my mother gets mad if I invite her and my dad to dinner for my birthday and not my sister. My sister is also married but only dated the guy for 3 months before deciding he was "the one" and got engaged and married 6 months later (irrational and emotional). Married for 2 months now.

      I am currently at the end of the rope with my family. They have said so many crazy things and are somehow always spinning every situation to seem like my girlfriend did something that caused every problem. I am getting married in a 11 days to my girlfriend. We have been together for 3.5 years and got engaged on christmas eve. The day before my sister got engaged to her bf of 3.5 months. I knew that my sisters bf was talking about asking my sister to marry him because he had asked my dad after knowing my sister for 8 weeks. When I asked my girlfriend to marry me on christmas eve I was told by my mom in front of my girlfriend that I was stealing my sisters moment because her boygriend was going to ask her to marry her on christmas. However, I had ordered the ring for my girlfriend when my sister and her boyfriend knew eachother for less than a month. That moment when my mom was telling me that I had stolen my sisters moment in front of my girlfriend after asking her to marry me was the deepest I have ever been cut emotionally.

      If it wasn't for my father I would have probably ditched the toxic relationship with my mother and sister a long time ago. I have tried very hard to keep a relationship with my dad separate from my mom and sister but that is very challenging (my parents are married).

      I love my dad and he has made a lot of financial sacrifices for me to go to college and I appreciate everything he has done for me. He has always supported me and my dreams of racing dirt bikes. However it is coming to a point where I just cannot keep putting my future wife and myself through the emotional roller coaster of my family. I don't know how to continue a relationship with my father or if it is even possible. My mom runs his ass over when it comes to making any decision that isn't financial. I just don't know what to do.

      I am leaning toward cutting ties with my family after our wedding so we can lead a drama free life. I know my future wife and I both need a break from them.

      There is a lot more to this story but I cannot write it all right now. Stuff like this has gone on for close to 11 years now with multiple woman that I have dated. My mother and sister always find a way to dislike or hate the person I am dating. In one situation my sister became friends with a girl after I stopped dating her after she hated her while I was dating her. I think the girl was okay with it cause she missed me and thought maybe it would help her to get back with me.

      Writing all of this down makes me sick to my stomach and makes me mad at myself for wasting so much time on my mom and sister. Cutting my mom out of my life is not an easy thing. It is emotionally straining and all of my friends/ family are people that will have questions. I am the type that tries not to talk about family issues with friends but my mom and sister will somehow blame it all on my future wife and tell anyone who will listen how horrible she is. My life is a disaster and I am supposed to be excited about getting married.

      Most will never understand the attitude that I brought to my sisters wedding but they invited over 200 people to the wedding and my future wife has a sister that has spent holidays with my family for the last 2 years, has been camping with my family, has been invited to everything we do and is a nice person. My sister and her have never had problems but she was specifically not invited to the wedding even after I asked her to be so there wasn't any hard feelings. I know that my sister only did this because it was my future wifes sister and she thinks she can get away with it and it will make us irritated. My sister invited people she hardly new to her wedding. People she hadn't seen if 5 years were invited but someone that is around all the time was not invited. If the same person was not related to kristyn and new my sister as well as she did she would have definitely been invited. My sister even invited my soccer friends from high school (I was surprised to see them there). Long story short my sister is evil. A week before the wedding my sister said she would invite my wifes sister if we invited her new husbands parents to our wedding. First off, I had only VERY briefly met them twice (my sister has known my future wifes family for 7 years). I have a lot smaller venue than my sister and couldn't invite people that I wanted to invite much less his parents. I had to tell her that I couldn't invite them and so she said she wasn't inviting my future wifes sister. My sister is manipulative and evil.

      There is always 2 sides to every story but I can tell you my story is very accurate. My sister would tell a much different story but her timelines would be all mixed up, peoples words would be spun, and nothing would be her fault. I am not having my sister and her husband in my wedding but my future wife and I were in her wedding. I thought that my sister was having me and my future wife in her wedding cause she wanted me in there and wanted my future wife in there cause she liked her as a friend. The truth is that she only did it cause she wanted her husband in my wedding. My sister was asked to be in my wedding and her response was only if her husband was too (I hardly know this guy and I am only having my closest 3 friends in the wedding). Regretable I asked him to be in the wedding only to have to decide against it later after my wifes sister was not allowed to attend their wedding. I am done trying to make everyone happy in my family. Sometimes I have dark thoughts but i know I don't deserve this manipulative behavior from my family.

      I really just want nothing to do with my mom and sister but cutting family out of your life is really hard. Especially when you know all of the same people and they love to talk shit about you and your future wife.

      I guess this rant is over. If you have any suggestions please feel free to share. Also, don't judge people you don't know and always know that the other side of the story may be the real story when someone is talking crap.

    • profile image

      Raj 8 months ago

      This accurately describes the relationship and challenges with my mother. Problem is, I am the only child, she is dependant on me and lives with me full time. I have a successful, stressful career and the constant arguing with her is impacting my ability to be sane. There is NO happiness in my life. No relationships either. Just work and my home life centered around my mother and the constant every day, multiple times a day fights. Any suggestions for me?

    • profile image

      Clem 8 months ago

      My wife is codependent with her mother or vice versa. My wife since we have been married for over 10 years has phoned her mum every day. If not that 3 times a day. She seems to tell her everything. My relationship with Mother in law aint that good as to me she is an old bag. Lives on her own and has no pets. Always complaining about the neighbors or how cold her house is. Or she has no money. Yet frequently travels overseas. She seems to want to know everyone's business. Is overweight and wont do anything about it. I may sound mean but really does her daughter need her that much in her life or is there something drastically wrong here.

    • profile image

      LoriXc 9 months ago

      Great article, I'm pretty confident I have a codependent female parent...

    • profile image

      codependent parents 9 months ago

      I was born with social limitations. Not quite autism, just introverted and a mild learning disability but socially aware. My mother ignored the bullying issue at a younger age and instead added to it by trying to get me involved in activities I had no interest in, even showing up as a chaperone and making things worse. When the bullying got worse, I wasn't pulled out. Keep in mind I was struggling academically too. I was told to wait for college and that things would get better and I'd have the last laugh.

      Neither me or my brother were allowed to leave the house as teens and 20s and were punished for things like getting stuck in traffic after going to the supermarket. Wanted us to have the skillset of extroverts, in particular having the independence and having a job, without realizing the irony of the situation.

      Would have had problems making friends and going on dates anyway, but knew that it wasn't worth trying and that I wouldn't be allowed to leave the house or have anyone over the house.

      My mom spend the last 10 or 15 of my life bringing me to therapists, telling them my "story" as if she was living vicariously through it, unaware that her actions made things a lot worse. Ended up spending that time as a part of the mental health system and overdiagnosed and overmedicated for what amounts to being harmlessly shy and PTSD from the unaddressed bullying.

      Dad is emotionally dismissive and verbally abusive. His parents were sick/died when he was younger so he didn't have any positive influences. Makes me wonder why they even had kids.

      People over the years, both online and real life friends, dropped hints about codependency, which I either dismissed or just thought that it didn't matter because I didn't have the skills or money to survive on my own.

      Am on disability, mostly for the insurance and to see a doctor if I needed to, but can't help but think that they've been using the money as a form of rent. I was never declared incompetent, but haevn't seen any of my own paperwork and whenever I've brought it up over the years, was just dismissed.

      Both parents lack self awareness, so when I read this article, it made perfect sense.

      I think my mom is well intentioned and my dad just likes the control and authority.

      I've talked about these issues in therapy over the years but have been unable to find a social worker to help with the situation. Since I don't drive, it requires being in the car with someone in the family, which kind of defeats the purpose.

      Anyway, I'm glad I found this article.

    • profile image

      Megan 9 months ago

      My fiancé just broke up with me a month before the wedding because I am "dramatic" and "he is my only happiness". This is complete BS I actually have a ton of friends and a wonderful supportive family. My "guilt" is I have disagreed with his mom about control. His parents have interfered with everything and are constantly manipulating him. They didn't like the invitations I had so forced us to get different ones, they didn't want me to have a shower, they refused to come to the shower I had. I love him more than life but he has let them ruin us and I am worried he will never find someone. Our relationship has been so beautiful and the toxic relationship with the parents is unsettling. If you think that this is something you are experiencing please go see a councilor and get your self out before you get heart broken. I am so hurt and so humiliated.

    • profile image

      Smith568 10 months ago

      I also have a stepson who is in a codependent relationship with his mother. Any time he has a problem, she steps in to address it (she has switched his classroom teacher twice midway through the year, both times over fights with the teacher who would not accept late homework that she brought in for her son), thereby establishing her control over him. Whenever she is angry with my husband, she tells her son about it and soon he is also angry at my husband. For example, my husband was recently going to attend the school science fair and wanted to pick the child up to attend with him. This child had already gone to the science fair earlier with his mother, but my husband had to go later due to his work schedule. The child's mother first accused my husband of forgetting the science fair and trying to blame her for that, then told him that she wasn't going to rearrange her schedule for him (the kids were at home playing video games and she knew the science fair was happening). When my husband said that was fine, he'd go alone, she then told him the kids could go (she didn't want him to tell the kids he had to go alone because she wouldn't let them go with him), but he was an unreasonable jerk. As soon as my husband finished this conversation with his ex wife where she told him he was a terrible person for wanting to attend the school event with his child, my husband gets an angry phone call from his son saying "dad, why are you picking me up?" When my husband said "because I'm going to the science fair and I want you to show me your project," the child replied "I don't want to go to the science fair with you." We had something similar happened with a ski trip we had planned on our weekend. After the ski trip was planned, the child's mother found some other activity that she thought the child should do and wanted us to reschedule our ski trip. At first, this kid wanted to still go on the ski trip, then he called later to say, he was going to do the other activity. His brother told my husband that their mother had been pressuring them to do the other activity, even though she planned it after the ski trip and even though the ski trip was on our weekend, not hers. She then told my husband that the child in question doesn't like skiing, so of course, he didn't want to go. Two weeks after that, this same child was asking us when we were going to go skiing again because he wanted to go.

    • profile image

      Kee 10 months ago

      My mother in law is co dependent on my husband. He want him

      all by herself and now me and my husband are living separately. What do I do?

    • profile image

      Kathleen 10 months ago

      My mother is codependent on me! We lost my father 10 years ago and since then she has relied on me to do everything for her even though I have 2 brothers. She says I have better sense than them.

      I'm newly married and she wants me all to herself she gets upset when I challenge her and tell her no I'm not going to do something. She makes me feel guilty. How can I get away from this other than ignore her?

    • profile image

      Tece 10 months ago

      I am actually a step mom of a 7 year old son who biological mom controls and makes him dependent upon her. He is currently spending 2 weeks at his Dad's during the summer. He cries often that he wants him mom and explains how he picks at his leg because he is not able to rub his mom's neck. She is still sleeping with the child. She will not allow him to bathe himself or learn basic hygiene, she does it for him. She only allows him to eat certain foods. Oatmeal-which this was all he ate until 2 years ago. Since then he now eats Cheese Pizza/Nuggets/meatless spaghetti/One kind of cereal/2 kinds of chips/m&m's/fruit snacks. If it don't look what she makes he wont eat it and regurgitates. She speaks ill of his dad, in an attempt to turn him against his dad. I can only imagine what she tells the child where I am concerned as a step parent. I'm just looking for suggestions who I can reach out to, to help the child grow into a Independent Adult who knows all his family loves him. She has requested from the courts to move out of state with the child. Telling the dad she will remove the child support if he allows such - he declined. She does not work, after inheriting money from her deceased dad.

    • profile image

      Kathleen 10 months ago

      Are there any books that are specifically about the mother-son codependent relationship?

    • profile image

      crash311 10 months ago

      I believe my mother is codependent with my brother. My brother has lived with my mom for years and shows no signs of getting a job or wanting to stand on his own two feet. He is now 28 and I'm 36 by the way. She works at home so she rarely goes anywhere and has no close friends or significant other. She relies on him to do the household maintenance and for emotional support. She's gotten deeply upset the few times he's tried to move out which usually lasts a week due to some fight they've had. They always hang out togther and smoke weed constantly. Now I lost my job and needed to move in temporarily while I worked to get back on my feet. The moment I moved in it was clear that although I was working hard to regain my independence, I was a burden and made to feel unwelcome. It didn't matter that I contributed money toward bills or that I found a teaching position a month after I moved in. I was told that I turned her life upside down and that I've taken over the house, both of which are untrue. How can it be true when I leave at 6:30 and I don't come back until 8:30? At the same time she allows my brother to do as he pleases including driving her truck drunk with no license. I have to get permission to watch the TV. They will go fishing or do other activities without thinking to ask me, but if I was to suggest we do something without my brother (which I would never do) she wouldn't think of it. She is very defensive of him and obviously favors him. He's always right and I'm always to blame. When I bring this up they both think I'm full of it. I hate that that 1.I'm stuck in this situation and 2.I'm allowing it to upset me this much. I'm two weeks away from moving into my new place so this nightmare won't last forever but the blatant favoritism has really damaged my relationship with both my brother and mother.

    • profile image

      Ck 10 months ago

      1. She is always the victim. Had a very bad marriage, daddy was a violent alcoholic....she divorced him 25 years ago and we still have to hear about how bad daddy was. We (the kids) acknowledges that he was terrible, no argument, mom repeats the same stories over and over trying to get pity. None of us can stay in the room. At which time she either gets mad or sulks away like no one loves her. We just want her to get over it and quit living to tell the story. Now she judges our children, not by actually trying to understand them and see them for young and still needing to learn things, but she judges them on how they treat her as to what she would like them to be like. Just this evening she said she did not wayang to ever see my sisters kids again, because they make her sad and do not talk to her right or listen to her. She doesn't listen to them, she does not even know them. My mother hates my dog, my niece was giving attention to the dog, so mom said if you are going to play with that dog I am going to my room. My niece is 10 years old!

      It is like everything that comes from her mouth we must think are golden words of wisdom. If our in our lives we have learn something more about the topic, well we are wrong and confused. Then she jumps into a story about how bad daddy was....over and over.

      This woman is an avid coffee drinker, but when I am around she acts like she has forgot how to make coffee. She says out loud what she is going to do, such as feed the dog or check the mail, as if she is really asking you to go do it for her. She is impossible. She is so negative, even talks about people that have already died, such as her sister in law stealing her red shoes....oh, please pray for me. She is 73 and now needs care, but having to live around her is wearing me thin!

    • profile image

      Jade3 10 months ago

      How does a parent protect their kids from their codependent grandparent?

    • profile image

      David G 10 months ago

      I have to agree with others who have said that you are not describing codependency. What you describe is more in line with a cluster-b personality disorder. It's an important distinction.

    • profile image

      Agreed 11 months ago

      I grew up where factors like the ones stated in this article were commonplace... This explains my past situation to well.

    • profile image

      Rubbish 11 months ago

      Can U tell me how old you R. and how many kids you've had to tell us your qualification on bringing up children. I only see that you have been around for 4 years?????

      Very concerned on your information being all this and that you are confusing the issue on relationship between parents, kids and adults.

    • profile image

      Lala 11 months ago

      I'm sure I have a co dependent parent. I have siblings but her behavior shows more with me. Why I don't know. I've severed ties before and will again more permanently. I don't see improvement or therapy. She is of African heritage, where they sternly agree with such remedy.

    • profile image

      Nikky 11 months ago

      I never realized this about my father until i just read this article. I have always known my mother (and step father)was codependent, she is an alcoholic and he just is because of her, but i was raised with the notion that my real father was never wrong. An installation in my mind that he put there since i was a kid. I was always wrong and no matter what reasoning i used i was still wrong. I am an adult now. Every night i wonder if i am the insane one and who i am. Its driving me insane. I have a total devotion toward my dad (nothing weird) and i woud do anything for him. Including drive myself insane thinking that i am the one who is thinking wrongly. I have all my facts straight and try to reason with him and he gives me off the wall reasons why i am wrong, or it didn't happen the way i say it did, or my opinion and views are all wrong. And i don't have a normal parent to compare any of this to. Its shattering me. I don't even know who i am or what i believe because im still trying to be and do what my parents believe and think i should be doing. I don't even know what i want out of life. This is so hard to figure out. Wtf am i supposed to do with this??? 3 messed up parents and no friends or positive NORMAL people to compare myself to or help me cope.

      My dad also uses his relationship with God and how forgiving God is to justify his actions... which confuses the living shit out of me.

    • profile image

      Jen 11 months ago

      I am 35 with my 12 year old son,struggling with life. I had two bad marriages and keep going back to my controlling parents. My son is dealing with it and I do not know how to get out. I care for my grandma because no one else will. I get paid low amount to cook clean serve and get yelled at everyday for something that goes wrong.

    • profile image

      Josh 11 months ago

      This is spooky how dead on it is for my mother. She is the only person in my life I have every lost my temper with, and she loves it. She loves getting me to the point that I am unable to function, she does everything she can to make me the bad guy no matter what the situation is, she is extremely manipulative and has road blocked me so many times in life. Just typing this is making me emotional, she has done so much damage and caused me so much stress with her abuse. I'm so tired of her constant guilt trips, and pity parties. She has made me feel worthless my entire life. I am thirty one years old, and to this day she has never listened to a word I have said.

    • profile image

      Brina 12 months ago

      This sounds the same as Narcissistic parents.

    • profile image

      Ihatemalife 12 months ago

      Good article.

    • profile image

      Nico 12 months ago

      This will help me a lot, I'd like to thank the person who made this article

    • profile image

      Jackie 13 months ago

      It would be interesting to see what is the role of the other parent. Like in my case, I think my father was a very normal person to begin with. But he truly loved my mom and we were 3 siblings. He was well aware of her strange codependant ways. In the early years to tried to correct her but soon gave up. What was scary is that soon he joined her and they were a team. She always had the reins in her hand and it was as if because my dad could not do anything else, he joined the game with her.

      But what happens in other cases. Does the other parent support the child?

    • profile image

      Nana 13 months ago

      My m.I.l is a so called Christian. She will blow up my phone on a daily basis or even my husband's phone. There isn't a day she doesn't call. There are times that she calls at 6am just to say she is in victory. A few months ago she came to visit and she stayed with us for about 3 weeks. In those 3 weeks she went to church with us and after church the congregation was saying hi to each other and an elderly brother from church asked if she was my Mom because I called her mom but I said no she is my m.I.l just call her mom sometimes so I said to him to come with me to introduce him to her so he did. And he said to her hello sister nice to meet you God bless you. That's all he said. When she went back home she called my husband a week later and said that she had a dream that the man from church was going to be her next husband. She was so serious about it that she wanted my husband to call him and ask him personal information about himself. She even offered to clean his house, that's crazy considering that she doesn't even know him. I told my husband that since he is the oldest of 5 boys he has the responsibility to have an intervention with her and explain why and how her behavior is unacceptable. This man from church has numerous times said that he does not want to be with anyone because he loves where his life is now serving God. I think that we all including my m.I.l should respect that and leave it alone. When I took her to the airport she said that she doesn't care what anyone else thinks because she will be back and the way that she left with the same mentality of wanting to changing this man's life is the same way she will be back to carry out her plan with the help of her son. She says it's the Christian thing to do.

    • profile image

      dakitt 13 months ago

      My girlfriend found this website after having a very difficult dinner with my mother where she basically verbally attacked us both in front of everyone on a busy sunday, it was meant to be a nice day out for all of us but turned into a nightmare basically i have had to cut contact with my mum, upon finding this website i've realised what a roblem this has caused all my life as i suffer with anxiety and depression, but that this has eased since i have broken contact. The problem now is that i have a sister who exhibits the same traits towards me, leaving me feeling that i'm a bad person and that i did the wrong thing... difficult to explain but felt i needed to put something down on screen as i see many of you have a similar issue any one know of a support group or forum in the UK that could help.

    • profile image

      Two codependent parents 13 months ago

      I have a co dependent mother and father also when I got older I realized later my father is an alcoholic I thought it was normal for him to come home from work ignore my brother and I because he was having a "bad day" at work. He drank every weekend sometimes two full bottles of red wine. I didn't even realized that this codependent parent thing is still affecting my life today. I moved at at the age of 21 with my long time boyfriend of 4 years, we moved out of state and I even asked for my parents blessing and it was okay. In 2015 we finally moved to Colorado from Florida when I moved I had a good job pay well my boyfriend and I were looking into homes we loved the state so much. Ever since I told my parents I can even afford a home and that I may get this really good job but I needed past information personal documents, graduation diploma anything and everything that I needed to continue and move forward with the backround for the job I lost since my parents didn't believe and emailed the company saying they weren't going to release my information. I have delt with my codependent parents for so long I don't know how to claim my own self and I'm 24 years old. It comes to a point where they cross the line so many times how can I deal with master manipulation and get my life back because all I want is my life back

    • profile image

      Mark edwards 13 months ago

      My mom has bpd won't admit it is so selfish and up her own arse developed it from my grandad giving me traits also of her crazy emotional outbursts she has no emotional regulation just blows up becomes verbal and rageful

    • profile image

      This is my parents 14 months ago

      I recently stumbled upon this article and it completely fits my parents. But I don't know how to approach them about this in a way that won't cause them to not listen to me. While this is all super accurate, I worry that it is inflammatory (codependent parents are always the victim and don't listen) and not what they want to hear. How did you approach handling this with your parents? Do you have any other resources?

      Much of the other aticles I have found mention drug or alcohol abuse, which is not an issue in my family. I think my parents are just "addicted" to me. If you wouldn't mind sharing any other resources (articles, books, movies) regardless of how inflammatory they are, I would be very appreciative. Thank you so much for your article. I feel like it all makes sense now. I just thought that my parents were insane.

    • profile image

      Justin Mathis 14 months ago

      In my 20s I lived away for awhile with my cousin as a roommate then with a girlfriend who became a wife. But I got divorced in my late 20s and went through a horrible ordeal which included a serious mental problem. I was forced to move back in with my mother and grandmother. We lived there for five years then two years ago me and my mom got a seperate apartment.

      I love my mom but she is a mess she lived with my grandma long before I moved in for 30 years and she refuses to live with her anymore yet she throws a fit when I mention that I don't want my own place. She has a 4 year bachelor's degree yet she's got too much anxiety to deal with people to get a good job so she can barely afford to pay half her rent. She would have to get a Government apartment because she doesn't have a husband and she doesn't make enough money to buy her own apartment so she lays a guilty trip on me that she might get killed and that I don't love my mother. When I bring up the fact that she doesn't want to live with her mother it goes in one ear and out the other.

      I'm not sure what to do. I'm not going to throw her out in the street and I don't expect her to move out tomorrow but when our lease ends in November I want us to live seperate and that's what i plan on making happening. But she doesn't respect my wishes I am a 35 year old man and I know no one else but me that is forced to live with his mother. Women find out I live with my mom and just assume I need her help but it's the other way around and I am single I want to have my own place and date.

      She is a very needy person that is 100% a codependent parent. We had a fight tonight and it's not our first one in the others I had been the one to apologize about how I acted but I realize she never apologizes I plan to not talk to her until she decides to apologize and tell me she respects how I feel. I don't know if it's the right way to handle it.

    • profile image

      14 months ago

      After a LOT of reflection I would have to say this is total nonsense and confusing victims and survivors of abuse. If you replace "codependent" parent with "second narcissistic parent" who uses victim guilt trip either subtly or overtly, then you have the TRUTH. This person has some kind of cluster B disorder and is abusive as well, DO NOT be fooled by how good they are at convincing others they really care about their children, this is their mask and its BS. It can be really hard to admit what I just said is true. Good luck.

    • profile image

      Dokie 14 months ago

      I"m sorry for you (and the situation you grew up in). I'm familiar with the "codependent, or narcissitic' upbringing.

      Your parents probably were raised that way too. Lucky for you that the situation with your mother is temporarily. You will not regret helping her in her last days, although it must be hard now that you were "living your life" finally. You can always try and look for help (friends, neighbours, family?)Good luck!

    • profile image

      guest 15 months ago

      I find myself in a tricky situation in life. Both of my parents lost each of their parents and that's always hung over my head. All through my life my parents have pushed me and pushed me to do whatever they might be doing from hobbies to work. It's always been as though I'm expected to live out my Father's dreams of success in the entertainment industry, but I was also expected to follow him into a construction occupation for years and am continuously berated for not completely agreeing with their every political opinion. My Mother now has a terminal disease and it's a shocking and traumatic thing for our entire family to go through, but there's this part of me that can't help but wonder at the convenience of her diagnosis at exactly the same time when I had at last moved away to go just simply live my life. Now I'm past my 20s living with my Mother as her live in caretaker and I tell ya, it gets disturbing ... the timing of emergencies is always impeccable. I'm never able to care for any of my most basic needs, from simply showering to eating breakfast because her needs are constant, the emergencies are constant though rapidly resolved once all attention is refocused ... it's absolutely maddening in every way and I'm completely lost when it comes to changing anything. I feel I can't turn to anyone I know, as if there is no one on earth who could possibly empathize with all of this. I feel 100% like I am absolutely the bad guy, and only because I feel manipulated and controlled into staying here when there are actual liscensed in home care services for this kind of thing. I'm not trained for any of this and I can't wrap my mind around any of it anymore. If I go to my relatives for help they will surely just turn me away as my parents have spent my whole life convincing me they are all terrible people and as such my relatives have never had much of anything to do with any of us. And what would anyone do to help? I'm suppose to be here helping my Mother as her care-person for some reason but I just want to live my life, and I feel imprisoned completely from being able to do anything about it . . .

    • profile image

      another guest 15 months ago

      I have a co-dependent mother and alcoholic father. He was always mentally absent and full of self-loathing. So she was the only one to go to for parenting and safety. I had extreme anxiety for many years extending into adulthood as a result of my relationship with the codependent. Childhood, adolescence and some adult years were lost in trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me. She used all the tactics mentioned in this article. When you are strong enough, the best thing to do is to stay calm and refuse to respond to the lie that the co-dependent lives but you can't do this until you work thru the anger. Takes a lot of work. Find a good therapist and healthy, safe people and hang with them to start to get back to normal. The co-dependent is lost once they realize you won't be responsible for them anymore. Their recovery is up to them not you.

    • profile image

      guest 15 months ago

      Thanks for the article. It helps putting many confusions into words. I never get to have a say on my own life decisions. When i voice out personal feelings and opinions, it gets diminished by cold shoulder, no eye contact, and "debt" talks. When I ask for advices, they treat me as incompetent for not fulfilling their incredibly high standards; completely disregard me and demand performance before any negotiation. They don't think I am competent to have free will and that I am in big debt to them. Freedom comes with their immense hostility and disdain (I had to live a life as mistake-less and attach-less as if I'm a monk; IT SUCKED). It used to slowly kill me from inside; having to try dealing with them and figuring things out on my own. Supportive friends sure make life much more meaningful and beautiful.

    • profile image

      Louise Larsen 16 months ago

      Wow. Thank you.

    • profile image

      Kimmyb1 17 months ago

      @Trinity it is imperative that you talk with a 'safe person'; a friend, a trusted relative, a health care worker. This is mental abuse. There are programs designed for independent living for individuals who are not mentally fit to hold down a full time job. It is vital that you move out. This is the only way you can get out of her constant interferences.

      Ending your life is not the answer-it never is, but sometimes we just can't see another solution. That's why you need to talk with a trusted person-so they can help you crawl out of the tunnel. You matter. Never forget that.

    • profile image

      Trinity 17 months ago

      I have always felt my mother was 'different'. After being diagnosed with BPD and doing in depth research into my own mental health issues, I learned that, although affirmative evidence has yet to be discovered, it is highly likely that bpd is linked in some way to gentics. I know my father self medicated bc of severe psychoses, though at the time, none of us understand what any of that meant. My mum, having done the same research as I have, spares no time in pointing the finger towards him as the source of my 'crazy genes'. But of course she would! Because she never takes responsibility for anything. Nothing is ever her fault. Then I came across this article the other day after another one of her vicious guilt trips and it all suddenly made sense. All this time, she has made me believe that my father, who died when I was 13 so he's not around to defend himself, is the reason I am so messed up. When in actuality, it's her! And it has always been her! Not in terms of genetics or heredity, bc that very well may still be true, but more importantly because of the way she has ALWAYS treated me, even before my dad died. And it just got worse and worse as the years went by. I'm 30 yrs old now, and still living at home with my mother because my mental health has declined to such a state that I am no longer capable of functioning like a normal person in today's society. And being the youngest girl with 3 older brothers who have all left home and now have families of their own, I am all she has left in this world to control. To manipulate. Even if it means completely destroying any possibility at a normal life for me. Even if it means that my life is in constant jeopardy. 10% of all borderlines commit suicide. And Lord knows I should be among those numbers with the amount of attempts I have made throughout my life. It has taken me 17 years to realize that unless I can find a way to break free from the invisible chains she has on me, and soon, then it is only a matter of time before those metaphoric binds tie a real life noose around my neck. And the worst part is, I truly believe that is the only way to truly make her happy...because then she gets to play the victim martyr card all over again. Someone. Please. Help.

    • Cricrinel profile image

      Elizabeth R 18 months ago from France

      excellent article. Very well written and to the point. I believe parents have to learn a lot with this article! Congratulations!

    • profile image

      Kalamari 18 months ago

      After reading this I am 100% sure that I have a codependent parent. I am 18 years old and still dealing with it. I have noticed these signs for a long time but never knew what was wrong. I thought the only way to help would be to have a sit down with her, but knowing that it wouldn't help her. She tries to control everyone around her, especially me. I am a full time college student and I couldn't even attend the college of my dreams because I had to stay home with her and babysit my brothers so she can always do what she wishes to do. My college is 45 minutes away and I arrive late sometimes because I have to take my brothers to the bus stop. I wanted to live on campus so I could be closer, but I'm not allowed to move our or have my car in my name until I have went through all 8 years according to her. I've tried talking to her, but she never understands where I am coming from. No matter what I do I am and never will be good enough for her. It's sad to think that once I'm gone my brothers will have to go through the same thing unless I find her help. Please somebody help me.

    • lanablackmoor profile image

      lanablackmoor 19 months ago from New England

      Thank you everyone for all the kind comments. I may not be able to respond to all of them (I try!) but I read all of them and it means a lot to know that my experience can help others!

    • profile image

      Nedalee 19 months ago

      Thank you, Iana I really like this article I love reading this.

    • profile image

      TM 19 months ago

      This is my mother to a T. She totally hit me out of the blue today and it turned really nasty. The damage is done and I really don't want to even bother with it anymore.