10 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother-in-Law

Updated on January 15, 2018
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Lana is a published writer and editor who helps aspiring authors to take their writing to the next level.

They don't call them monsters-in-law for nothing.

Mothers-in-law are notorious for being controlling, judgmental, critical and overbearing. And like any toxic person, a toxic mother-in-law is a soul-sucking parasite that feeds on your misery. To protect yourself and your loved ones you need to know your enemy, so here are 10 signs you might be dealing with a toxic mother-in-law.

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1. She is always right, without exception. Which means that she's never wrong. She'll never admit being wrong, and she will never apologize for anything. That would surely cause the collapse of the Western civilization, and contradict the premise that she's always right. In her eyes, you (and possibly your spouse) are the only person to blame.

2. She is dismissive. She will ignore you for the most part, conveying that you don't matter to her. She will not listen to a word you say. She'll ask you if you're hungry, hear "no," and still put food on your plate. She'll also disregard any of your accomplishments as insignificant and unworthy of her attention. Only things that have value to her are important.

3. She will communicate to you, in delightfully subtle ways, that you are not good enough for her son, and for her family. She will not say it to your face, no, but you will hear the message loud and clear. Depending on your self-esteem, you will either feel devastated or slightly amused.

4. To establish her dominance and to prove that she was right about you, she will expect you to do things that please her. That would include you wanting to spend time with her, appearing at every family event, learning her way of cooking, cleaning and just about everything else under the sun (because her way is clearly better), adopting her religion and culture, and last but not least, giving her grandchildren when she's ready to be a grandma. If you fail to do any of that, you are indeed a rotten daughter-in-law, and she has a right to complain about you to anyone who'll listen.

Slander is a useful tool in her tool belt.
Slander is a useful tool in her tool belt. | Source

5. If you are still not bending to her will, she will move on to heavier artillery. She will start a smear campaign in her community, trying to turn everyone against you. If she succeeds, those people will start putting pressure on your husband to leave you, saying that they're just "worried about him" and they "want him to be happy."

6. She will not respect your words, choices or personal space. She will come to your house uninvited and unannounced, expecting you to welcome her with open arms and be grateful for the honor of her visit. She will look with disgust at how filthy your place is, and how unmannered your kids are.

7. Her parochial mentality dictates that she must rule by withholding her affection and approval, so she will use silent treatments, guilt, blame and direct intimidation to manipulate you and your husband. If he's not siding with her, she will be punishing and destructive towards him, too. At the same time, she will be demonstratively granting her love to his siblings and your sister-in-law.

8. She loves audience, and she's very concerned with appearances. In public she will enact a charming cultured woman who is a selfless caretaker of her family. She may even be known as a philanthropist in her community. Most people will fall for that. They will not understand what beef you can possibly have with such a great lady. Don't try to dissuade them. Let them stay in the matrix. Let them enjoy their steak.

9. Like any narcissist, she sees her children not as individuals, but as extensions of herself. Everything they do reflects on her, so she will go to great lengths to correct any "deviation" from the path she's chosen for them. That includes the people they marry; you. She will never give up on trying to destroy your marriage, or to control her children's lives.

10. There will be "good days" when she will be on her best behavior and everything will appear normal. You may even be tempted to think that things are getting better. You'll lose your vigilance.Then, out of nowhere, she will turn on you again, and you will be reminded - if you don't know it yet - that she will never accept you, and you can never have a relationship with her. That last one, by the way, may not be a bad thing.

Toxic mothers-in-law require constant vigilance.
Toxic mothers-in-law require constant vigilance. | Source

What Can You Do?

Alas, there isn’t an easy remedy for a toxic mother-in-law.

You could stay the hell away from her. That's a simple and effective strategy, but it‘s not always an option.

You could try to win her affection by appeasing her, like they did with Hitler. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it didn’t work with Hitler, and it won’t work with your mother-in-law. She already made her mind up about you. I’m sorry but she’ll never going to like you.

So what can you do? You can use this as an opportunity for growth. The truth is, whenever you have a perpetual conflict with someone, or someone pushes your "buttons," it's a good indication that there's inner work to be done. As tempting as it is to blame everything on your mother-in-law, it won't bring you anything but bitterness, anger and a sense of helplessness. Do not fall into the victim mentality!

You can be happy with or without her approval. Stand up for yourself and your kids. Spend more time with people who do love and appreciate you. Do things that make you feel alive. Just live your life the best way you can, being your best self.

On a personal note, I don't expect to be friends with my MIL any time soon, or ever. I think we're too different for that, and at the same time, too similar in that we're both strong women who don't back down. I understand her frustrations with me, but I also understand that those frustrations have nothing to do with me. It's just self-aggrandizing rejection of "the lesser".

Lastly, I find great comfort in the fact that my own mother is a kind, caring, generous woman who's a wonderful mother-in-law to my husband. So that makes my monster-in-law... somewhat bearable, and at times even amusing.

© 2015 Lana ZK

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    • kalinin1158 profile image
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      Lana ZK 2 days ago from California

      You’re right. Toxic people come in all shapes and sizes!

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      MrBill757 2 days ago

      Gosh, this sounds exactly like our Millennial daughter and Millennial daughter in law. This article could be easily retitled 10 Signs you have a toxic daughter or.....10 Signs You Have a Toxic Daughter In Law!! Both have done the exact things.

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      oasis1313 5 days ago

      Lana, do you have any advice for how to get your husband on your side instead of on his mother's side? I've been beating my head against this brick wall for over 30 years. She lives in my house, but if it was the Brady Bunch house, she'd be Marcia and I'd be Jan. "It's always Marcia Marcia Marcia." I'm desperate to be something besides a scullery maid (maybe get a promotion to stable hand or something) while she is always the princess, but I haven't been able to figure out how to get my husband to ever take my side, even after all these years. If I say anything remotely negative about her, it only tightens up the umbilical cord. If I try to grin and bear it--well, my MIL can always find more crap for me to grin and bear, so I end up feeling trampled. Is there anything I can do to make my husband mine again?

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      M.W. 7 days ago

      I've lived with my mother n law going on 3 very, long, distressing years now. She is 71 years young. She does no wrong, will never own up to any of her actions, she will only speak to me and my girls if my husband is present to put on a good show. Her appearance, and title of an individual is extremely important to her. (Which in my mind can be stripped away from one at any given point in one's life)

      I've been pushed to the breaking point. She isn't the cleanest person and tends to buy materialistic crap to try and fill the dark hole in her very cold heart. She chooses to not wash her hands, she picks her nose and eats the boogers like an appetiser. Gross, just nasty! Anyways, this beast comes out into the kitchen, sees that we are having a snack that involves a bag of chips. I simply asked her to wash her hands before joining in on the meal which, she responses, "I washed my hands before coming out." LIER! My husband, never stands up to her about this situation, just tiptoes around it. Which, I find to be just disgusting, and less of a man. So, I took matters in my own hands. The next day, I go to the store, purchase the same snack items and present it to her. I say, "Well, since you don't like washing your hands. I got you your very own chips and dip. This, way you don't have to ever wash your hands." Then, I walked away.

      Later that same day, she goes to her son, my husband, says, sorry to of have offended you with not washing my hands. He says, you didn't offend me. LIER! Because after she left the room that night, he threw the bag of chips away and dip. Why would someone who wasn't affected by her not wash her hands throw away a half eaten bag of chips once she left the kitchen? This had happened so many times over the years. So, he asked if I did indeed to what she said, I told him yes. I explained, that it's just nasty and disrespectful for her to do that, not to mention, it's wasteful. He says, I was wrong and slept in the guest room and hasn't spoke to me since. I figured if anything, this beast, will now wash her hands since, she witness us discussing/fighting of her actions. Please pray for strength!

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      BrightlyBlue 9 days ago

      When I first met my mother-in-law she was wonderful and was so nice. I thought I was so lucky. Fast forward four years to my pregnancy and getting married. We planned on a small courthouse wedding with just friends and my mom. It wasn't until the day of the wedding that I found out my husband's mother convinced him into not going through with the wedding. She had been talking to him and trying to convince him and What she told me over the phone "you guys are rushing this marriage. Have some kids, live together, and then after five years maybe you guys can think about marriage. But you probably won't even last that long. O and he is not coming so forget about getting married."

      My husband ended up staying at her house for two days but then we met up and ended up getting married anyways.

      That should've been my first clue that there would be problems but I just wanted to believe she might just be trying to look out for her son or something. Now I realize she had been having trouble and doubts about her own marriage, and projected it all unto her son and my relationship with him. Later she tried talking with me saying " I'm just trying to look out for you too because you might regret getting married and etc."

      We have now been married for 7 years now and slowly she has been manipulating my husband every year more and more. At first she started small, some emergency happened and he had to come over right before New Years. We had been spending our first married New Years with my family. All I got was sad looks from my family since he left to go to her. He was in a stairwell trying to get to her apartment right as it was midnight. Thanksgiving, Christmas, she always comes up with something so that he has to go to her but I learned better and my son and I would also come along.

      We moved a state away but always come back for the holidays. I got tired this past year trying to visit everyone on thanksgiving day and Christmas. My mother-in-law finally divorced her husband. So instead of spending most of the day driving around trying to get all four grandparents to see their only grandson on Christmas Day, this year I told everyone we would be spending one full day visiting each of them. That way it wouldn't take a toll on their grandchild and they would get more time to see him. Everyone said ok! I even offered and planned for us to spend two days at my mother-in-law's place. She said great!

      We arrived two days before Christmas and my son was invited to participate in a Christmas play. Both grandmas had been invited to come. Only my mom came. Mother-in-law later claimed she had some other thing planned and couldn't come but asked to speak to my husband. The next day my husband asked what we had planned for that day and I said not much just resting and spending time together. He claimed he had to go visit his mom for atleast two hours. I told him he should atleast take our son as well to see his grandma. She actually came to where we were and looked surprised to see me there waiting with my husband and child. Partially joking I said I was just there to see them off. All she said as OK and took my son's hand and just turned her back on me. I was not invited but I just kept my mouth closed and my husband never spoke up for me. Later when I called to see at what time she was going to bring them back she claimed she had been sleeping but she would bring them. When they arrived my husband pulled me aside and said his mom was waiting outside because she wanted him to come back with her and sleep at her place. At that point I drew the line. I told him No. It was the day before Christmas and he had to be with us when our son woke up to open presents the next day. I told him to blame me if he had to but he would be spending Christmas Day with his son! I mean really what could he possibly be thinking about leaving us to go with his mom. She is a grown woman, our son is a child who I shouldn't have to explain to why his dad wasn't with him on Christmas Day.

      I couldn't believe I had to make that argument. I couldn't even ask him to stay because he was my husband and I wanted him to spend the day with me as well. I was afraid that at this point he would just choose his mom over me. Luckily he sent his mom away. Unfortunately she still wanted him to come over the next day. Just him.

      She has other sons who were with her during the holidays but my husband is the only one that is married. And I don't know why but it's really strange to me atleast why she does what she does during the holiday. Anyways the next day was Christmas Day, we watched our son open presents and later I had planned for us to go see a Christmas tree. I noticed my husband kept on checking his phone so I asked him what was going on. Apparently his mom had gotten one of his brothers to text him and continued to ask him when he was coming back to her place, and that she was getting mad, etc... At that point I ignored him and his question of when he could leave to go see her. Later I got feed up and said once our son went to sleep he could leave. I don't think he gave me a second glance and rushed off to his mom's place.

      Later one of his brother's let me know that their mom was mad at me but didn't tell me why. My husband was just silent on the matter and left town before New Years. Apparently the two days my mother-in-law had previously agreed to spend with us weeks before, were no longer good. She had to work those days. I offered for us to reschedule or something but all she said was "we will see."

      And after the stunt she pulled Christmas Day, I'll be honest- I did not call her to reschedule. My husband has gotten so use to not knowing what to do that by this point he just does what she says. Maybe if I had spoken up earlier in our marriage things might be different but now it's too late. She does little things to make it seem like she is nice to me in front of her son but then its like she is treating him like he is a teenager and he has to do what she says.

      After another stressful Christmas for my husband, because he has no idea what to do in these circumstances he declared that he would be spending next year's holiday in any other state, far far away and that we were welcome to follow him. At first I thought he was joking. Now I see he is serious and in reality I am completely on board. Perhaps this will become a regular yearly thing. I just want to spend one Holiday without stressing about my mother-in-law and what she might do. Honestly I do worry about what she tells my husband when I am not there ( since she never wanted us to get married in the first place).

      In front of others, she is a wonderful mother-in-law and grandmother. But these last few years she started to make small back handed compliments just to me and then straight up blamed me for ruining her son's life and started yelling at me. But she only does this when no one else is there to witness it.

      My son loves all of his grandparents and always wants to see all of them during the holidays but next year we will definitely be away. And the years following that we will see.. It's really sad to think that we will have to be away not just from my parents and family, but even my father-in-law (who is nicer to me than my mother-in-law) all just because of the circumstances and things my MIL does.

    • kalinin1158 profile image
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      Lana ZK 10 days ago from California

      Natalia,

      I understand how you feel. It’s not healthy to hold all that in for such a long time. Of course, she won’t respond well to you asserting yourself but you will feel better.

      From my experience, if I blow up I feel relief but I also have this unpleasant aftertaste because I’ve lost control. I feel like I could have said things differently if I was calm and just talked about specific things that bothered me.

      So try to be calm. Stay with the issue. Set up a boundary (I’m not comfortable with you entering our apartment when we’re not there). Expect that she won’t take it well. Repeat as needed. Good luck!

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      Natalia 11 days ago

      I am my fiancé’s first girlfriend, first everything. We have a child together and we’re both happy with each other. In my case, it’s not just the mother in law, it’s the whole family! But the MIL makes my life a living hell. I used to rent out their first floor apartment along with my fiancé, it was horrible. She would go into the apartment to grab cooking ingredients without asking for permission while we were not at the house, tell me how to care for my child or tell me i was wrong if i said my son was sick. Allowed her oldest son and his girlfriend to beat me up in front of my own apartment then blamed me for the whole thing. Has attempted several times to break up us up... She causes a lot of fights between my fiancé and I and it’s just horrible! It’s about to be 6 years that’s I’ve been taking her crap and I honestly don’t know how much longer can I take before I blow up on her.

    • kalinin1158 profile image
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      Lana ZK 12 days ago from California

      Jasmin,

      who knows why she does what she does? What's on her mind? In my experience, these toxic MILs are rarely rational people with a good grip on reality. You can be the best woman in the world, still she will find something to criticize just so she can feel that she's better than you. It's not your fault!

      Plus, you're living together, so that makes things so much more complicated.

      Hopefully, soon you and your husband will live separately. It will make it much easier to get along with your MIL, or at least to tolerate her unsavory behavior. There's nothing like distance to make a tense relationship ... slightly less tense :) Good luck, stay strong! Thank you for reading.

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      Jasmin 12 days ago

      Thank you for this article. You are right. I live with my mother in law and its a total nightmare.

      I looked after her, was there for her, her own daughter doesn't even care about her. But did she ever appreciate me? No.

      She is doing everything she can to break my marriage. She is constantly bad mouthing me to anyone who listens as you rightly said.

      Its so hard. I work full time and to come home and listen to her complain non stop. The second she sees me. She starts complaining.

      And yes as your article said, she is ignoring my husband, and getting his siblings to advise him that they care for him and how I am not right for him. Your article is so right.

      This is not life.

      I don't hate her. I done more for this woman than I did for my own mother. Thats the saddest thing.

      Please pray for me.

    • kalinin1158 profile image
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      Lana ZK 2 weeks ago from California

      Christine,

      you are lucky your visits are bi-annual :) that's the upside. The downside is...well, you're familiar with the downside. I guess you're never too old to be mistreated by your mother-in-law (sigh) But you're not alone, that's for sure! And it's not your fault, no.

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      Christine del Mirador 2 weeks ago

      Just coming out from my M-I-L's territory after our bi annual visit... As cries and screams are filling my head after the 48 hours in her company.... I read your article with relief... I almost have a smile of my face. Maybe it's not totally my fault if I'm treated like a unruled 10 years old even if I blew 53 candles yesterday (an image... I didn't get the cake nor the candles

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      Demaque 2 weeks ago

      I have experienced all 10 of these from my witch in law. She is horrible beyond imagination. My wife just won't be told but its because she does most of those things behind her back. She also treats my wife like crap. I am giving it another 12 months as I wont live in hell and I will do all I can to get my kids away from her for as long periods as I can.

      Shes probably the most disgusting and venomous creature I have ever met.

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      Michelle 2 weeks ago

      I received a gift in the mail from my monster oops I mean mother in law. Tell me, how disrespectful for her to send it to my maiden name? Her excuse to my husband was "I forgot" and he said she genuinely sounded like it was true. So my question to him was "did she forget we were married? " he said no I don't believe so. So tell me, how can she forget I have the same last name as you and her. Lol last year when she sent me a

    • kalinin1158 profile image
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      Lana ZK 3 weeks ago from California

      Dear CLJ2017,

      hardly anyone likes to be in a company of people who are dismissive and rude towards them, so I understand how you feel. Personally, limiting the time I spend with my MIL seems to do the trick for me since cutting her out of our lives isn't an option. She is your husband's mother, and once you have a child, she'll be a grandmother. And yes, it's a whole new can of worms! Things most likely WILL get worse, but you can handle it. Don't let her boss you around, but also choose your battles. In the end, you determine how much of an influence she has on you. Good luck!

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      CLJ2017 3 weeks ago

      I could really do with advice on this! My MIL is the most narcissistic person I have ever met! She dislikes me and everything about me.. she isn’t dismissive, rude and often speaks in her native language around me. She will only communicate in her native language via msg never in English (And she has lived here for 25 years) myself and husband ready for first baby.. I’m dreading her! She messages him everyday and tries to control and manipulate his emotions.. I’m stuck and would love nothing more than to cut her out altogether but obvs can’t do that.. yet!! I see it getting worse but he seems to fold around her, like she scares him.. help!

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      Lisa Mc 3 weeks ago

      My MIL 1000 fold (Bible Quote I believe) in this article. After 25 years I had enough. Remove toxic MILs from your life!!!! First stress free Christmas (2017) in decades. Amazing. Best gift I have ever received.

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      Cassandra 4 weeks ago

      Good for you "Not Today".

      Stand your ground. It is important to clip this nonsense in the bud. Be sure to set your house rules in your home. I am sure, she will want to have some say so in your own place.

      Oh goodness, do not compromise.

      Stay strong!

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      Not Today 4 weeks ago

      I have been with my husband for 4 yrs and we recently married this year. He is an only child with his mother raising him herself (needless to say, you can imagine how spoiled he is). Well two weeks after we married, he propositioned me to move in with his mom which was on my birthday. Of course, it started a huge argument. I couldn't understand where and why he would come up with an idea like that. Turns out, his mother was behind it all. I guess he was supposed to move me in so she could control him, me and the marriage. There was no compromise from me on moving into her house. She has been in his ear the entire time of our relationship. I have been an unwilling participant and extremely reluctant to have a relationship with her. She is a compulsive liar and very manipulative.

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      Anonymous 4 weeks ago

      My mother in law is manipulative and toxic. I have been with my husband for almost 5 years and now pregnant with our first child. She won't communicate with me and constantly complains about me to my husband.

      She went through a bad divorce with his father (25+ years ago!). Rather than working through that difficult time or trying to help herself, she only continues to play victim and live in her own constant pity party. Her younger son does not have a great relationship with her because of her choice to live like that. Unfortunately, my husband took on the role of being her rock and she relies on him for everything. She is retired, but in good health and very capable - but has a weekly list of to-do's for him. She expects to be including in everything we do, even things that should be just the two of us.

      We have a great relationship with his dad and step-mom, but they are often overlooked because God forbid we leave his mother out of something. She behaved terribly at my bridal shower and wedding because his stepmother was there. She won’t talk to me and will gossip about me and his stepmother to my friends instead! I am dreading the baby shower for this reason and can’t even think about once the baby is here. He has had conversations with his mother about the fact that she will have to be around his father and step-mom in the future, but she expects him to prepare her emotionally for every event.

      It tears him apart to have to deal with all of these. He does not want to create controversy or upset her, but it is not his job to take care of her emotions. She needs to grow up and learn how to deal with this as an adult. I have a low tolerance for people that act the way she does and I hate how it affects my husband. I cannot tolerate her conspiracy theories and the stress she creates, especially being pregnant. I have tried to talk to my husband about the 3 of us having a conversation about communication and expectations, especially for after the baby arrives. I just don’t think it will help if he sits there in silence. She does not care for me and that is fine, but when she is concerned that that may affect her relationship with our child, I can only feel that she is bringing it on herself.

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      LostMom 5 weeks ago

      My MIL is a total pain in the butt! And unfortunately my husband is spineless! I grew up in an abusive family which I didn't realize until my late twenties because it was "normal". I tried to fix my family for years, but there was no hope for them. During that time, the MIL always seemed "interested" in the happenings with my family. I thought she was trying to be supportive. Two years ago, I finally left my family after something horrifying came to light.

      It didn't take long for her to sink in her claws. As I was trying to wrap my head over the traumatic crap I went through, there she is going around telling all of my other in-laws I deserved what my family did to me and I was the cause of it. Yes, because a small child asked her parents to lock her in the basement without food, water, and access to a bathroom was all of my doing-and that doesn't include all of the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse I endured throughout my life at their hands.

      To make matters worse, she berated my kids (her grandkids) and made them fear her because of her own anger issues. When I told my husband everything she said and did to me, he did nothing and won't do anything! Yet he fights with me because I do not get along with her! WTH! These past two years have been hell. Other than my kids, I feel as though I have no one. My heart is broken.

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      Bayareamom 5 weeks ago

      I have a MIL who, just a few days after I gave birth to our son, told me to my face that she didn't think I should have married her son. She told me that she felt her son wasn't ready for marriage, much less a family. She said these things to me shortly after my husband had gone to work that morning, knowing she could safely say these things to me once he was gone.

      She had been with us in our apartment, allegedly to 'help' with the baby, but literally all she did was tend to the baby. She didn't help with any of the cleaning, she didn't cook one meal for us, and in short, she tried bonding with the baby in a way that was more than a little creepy to me (for lack of a better way to explain it). She is of a different culture; she is Japanese, I am Caucasian.

      I should have seen all of this coming. Immediately after our private wedding ceremony, she burst into tears. NOT the sort of 'I'm so happy you both are now married!' sort of tears, but the sort of tears as when you realize this person is crying because of unhappiness. I tried hugging her immediately when she started bawling, and thought perhaps she was just a little overwhelmed. But no. Two months after our wedding (we had been together for over three years before we married), I became pregnant with our son. Every single conversation I had with my MIL, she would ask how the baby was doing, which was fine in and of itself, but I noted after a few more phone calls, that she would never ask how I was doing during the pregnancy. Not one question was asked as to how I was feeling, etc. Which of course, really hurt my feelings...

      For a few years, I tried very hard to make amends with her. I had never met her prior to our wedding. I literally met her the night before our wedding. Finally, after wasting years' worth of conversations with her on the phone, I realized our relationship was never going to be 'of the heart.'

      So I let go. I have no relationship with her whatsoever. Her choice, not really mine. I feel so much better for having the sense to let go of this very toxic relationship.

      My heart goes out to all those here who have experienced similar situations.

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      Anonymous 5 weeks ago

      My mother in law is crazy she curses me out and belittles me at every corner, she is a monster in law I don’t know what to do, why so much hatred I have never been nasty to her until she dammed me and my children who are from a previous relationship...please HELP!!!!

    • kalinin1158 profile image
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      Lana ZK 5 weeks ago from California

      Vika, I understand how you feel, wanting to get away from it all. And you're absolutely right: trying to please your MIL doesn't work....it only causes more stress because now your well being is dependent upon approval from another person. Compared to that, avoidance is healthier. Of course, now she wants your attention more than ever :)

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      Vika 6 weeks ago

      This is incredible how accurate the article is. I feel this is exactly what's going on in our family. I am using the avoidance strategy now and it's not perfect but I am in a much better emotional state then when I tried to play by my MIL rules and hoped she'd accept and love me for who I am. I don't mind her spending time with her son but it seems she wants my attention more than his and all I really want is for her to leave me alone. I love my husband so much but sometimes I can't handle his family and want to get away from it all.

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      Neha 6 weeks ago

      My mother in law is a psycho path and selfish; she can destroy everything when thing not goes on her own destruction way. Can hurt her own child also.

    • kalinin1158 profile image
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      Lana ZK 6 weeks ago from California

      Hi Jamie,

      I know what you mean. It's not in my nature either to be hyper vigilant...I agree, it's hard. When you're always expecting an attack, defensive becomes your MO, and it's not fun, not to mention exhausting...But maybe instead of getting defensive or hitting her back you could just stay true to yourself? You're a gentle sensitive person. Next time you feel attacked, tell her: It hurts my feelings when you say/do this. Honesty can be disarming. Peace, stay strong :)

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      Jamie 6 weeks ago

      Terrific article. Summed up nicely. Yes, I could be positive and say she is teaching me to be more assertive, but by God it’s hard. Her attacks surprise me every time and I curse myself for being unawares and backing down. How can one be prepared? I’m not used to being hyper vigilant. She’s too hard and I’m too soft. I’m a deer in the headlights every f’ing time.

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      Felicity 6 weeks ago

      Cheering you on, Cassandra!!

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      JC 6 weeks ago

      I’ve been in relationship with a man for almost two years. His mother is making me want to end this relationship. I love him but I can’t stand her, she’s very overbearing, judgemental and very rude.

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      Priya 7 weeks ago

      My toxic mil stays with us,each n every statement mentioned in this is applicable to her.

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      Cassandra 7 weeks ago

      I do not have any contact with my former mother in law.

      My husband passed away suddenly and she wanted to take over my life, my finances, my whole world. and show the world she was taking care of the 'poor defendless widow and her two kids'.

      She was always difficult to deal with when my husband was alive. The kids and I were not going to have any of her shenanigans, especially when we wanted our privacy.

      I have since unplugged the house phone and blocked her number from all of our cell phones. She kept calling the house numerous times to the point where it just got creepy.

      She would send hurtful texts, emails and phone messages.

      But now, she has resorted to having other people contact my under-aged son or using different phone numbers.

      At one point, a family friend disclosed that the mil had asked her to gain information on me. The mil is also checking our fb accounts to see what we are all doing. I rarely post anything, but really? At what point does is this not stalking? I have changed all the private settings.

      She even had some of her friends try to get on my other work related accounts. These are people who would not give you the light of day much less be your friend?

      I am doing my best to raise my kids knowing, that it is not ok to be taking gifts and money from a person who acts like a bully to their mom. I am grateful that my kids are also on the same page. I have explained it all to them and even offered to show them all the evidence.

      At a recent family gathering, many family members (who are on my side) have asked if I have gotten a "No Contact" court order. Now, it may seem like a good idea.

      I compromised to much when my husband was alive, he too tried to keep her at bay. He also thought, she was overbearing.

      The mil's own daughter has told me that her mom is a narcissist with a borderline personality disorder. The former mil goes into conniptions, because I dared to say, 'No' to her.

      Yes, it is sad that she lost her only son. I lost my husband and father of my children. But it still does not excuse her nasty behavior towards me.

      I will not be subservient to her.

      I am a solid rock that bends to no bully.

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      KN 7 weeks ago

      My husband and I were struggling and went a yr w.o a car. Taking our kids everywhere on the bus even in winter. As soon as I started working I bought a car. When I told her we were getting a new car she just looked at me. Everyone else I told said it was good a good thing and was happy for us. That’s one incident.

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      7 weeks ago

      I worked with my "mil" and her son my boyfriend. Met them both and work ans fell in love and started dating after a month. Before we started dating i made it clear that we needed to have a conversation with his mom first before anything were to go further as i didnt want to lose respect from her or my job. She stated she was ok. We worked over a year together. As of late, she has been very cold and uninterested in me. Putting all hee energy imto her son forgetting about all the hard work ive put into the buisness. Promised me a raise i never recieved in sept. Had a meetimg in oct. And she stated they couldnt do it at this time and would revisit in dec. I did many things for her that were not in my job description. Making calls for her art and school. Staying up till2am helping her cook for the grand opening. Putting in countless over time and free hours. Because i figured its family and im so invested in my career. I spoke with her and told her i want things to be equal. With her son myself and another coworker. That ive done many things had a promised raise and wasnt happy anymore. She fired me thru text message in a different language of 8 text messages that i had to google translate 1 at a time. I was jealous ans not working well with others she said.

      I feel so bad for my boyfriend. He tried to stop it from happening. He obviously loves his mom and the buisness. Trying to be on both sides saying its 50/50 both our faults. She was posting things on fbook about me with no names (thankgod) saying whats its like to meet a manipulative person there motives and what to look out for, and other horrible things. I know im not that kindof person. But it sure makes u start questioning yourself. Ive been so hurt and depressed over all of this. Eating feels like a chore, anxiety, crying, im just so hurt that she would just come out and fire me like that and say the things that she has said without a care in the world. And even more so...im trying to be so strong for my bf because he is hurting like crazy through all of this beimg stuck in the middle. There is obviously so so much more to all of this..but id be here forever writing lol. Thanks for listening. Its good to get it out.

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      Lee 7 weeks ago

      Well I'm so frustrated I have lost all hopes.. I love my boyfriend but his mother is driving me mad... we all live together and she has no boundaries she acts as if she is a sidechick... always competing and making so angry... I love my boyfriend and I'm sure he does too our relationship is always fun and exciting he takes good care of me and my daughter that's not his... we want to have a baby we have been trying for months now but nothing I don't know if it because of this tension in my head I can't relax to make this baby... I need help !

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      Kay 7 weeks ago from New Zealand

      The bitch MIL started when I had my first child. Partner and I asked for some simple help which then turned into complete controlling. She took over as she did everything all I was was the milk truck, even then as soon as baby latched on she would go that's enough and snatches baby away . No matter what I said it was always wrong. I never did anything with baby even when I tried I'd get you don't no what your doing. Then I got if you don't care for this baby I'll take u to court. I was shocked that she could say such words I lost total confidence, my baby didn't no me, because MIL would be right there every single time. I'll get her you don't no what your doing, baby way losing weight, and suffered from acid reflux. At 3 weeks I went and got help still then everything I did was wrong. The people don't know what they are talking about they were karitane nurses. I went there for six weeks and then the nurses referred me to a mothercraft unit. Right up to the day I went MIL said are you sure your making the right decision. I said yup and off we went. Which I gained confidence and I New my baby I so wanted to go home I felt awesome and in control. Life was great I felt like a mummy but it wasn't even 10 months and back comes the controlling cow. Baby's first birthday she packed a shit because she wasn't centre of attention. Baby would go and stay during the day with her, I had baby in a routine that worked great. Well MIL said when u walk thur that door it my rules I'll do what I want feed baby what I want. So guess who was getting confused the poor baby. By then I blew my stack and everything came out I felt relieved but now she is trying to make my life hell, telling people she is the baby's mum as she looked after baby and I'm nothing. If I could go back I would change everything.

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      May 7 weeks ago

      My mother in law is dead now. Throughout the whole time that my husband and I have been together, she has tried to break up our relationship because she didn't think I wasn't good enough for her family, including her son. She was looking for a certain type of woman, OR... She could have had an unnatural attraction to her son, because she used to act like a crazed side piece, and she once even asked me what was he like in bed? She also used to ask me more than once if I like my brother in law. Once when my husband and I were dating, and another time sometime after we got married. I never did anything inappropriate towards his brother, but his brother has done inappropriate things with me. Acting as if he was trying to get me to think he liked me, to try and manipulate me into trying to seduce him. I feel like it was all an act, and I feel like deep down inside he secretly liked me, too. Which totally weirded me out. But, I still feel like his mother put him up to a lot of it and then gaslight me when I approached him about it, asking why was he behaving that way towards me... Turning it around on me, making it seems as if I was the one coming onto him. It was very, very weird. It hasn't happened since their mother died at all. Now we are just genuinely cool with each other. Not besties, or anything.... But we are just nice to each other now. When his mother was alive, my husband's brother lived with us and he used to try to catch me in awkward positions, and has even caught me in the middle of getting dressed, and I had no bottoms on... He went and told his wife about it, and his wife made her comments, and it was like he was trying most of the time to make it seem as if I was trying to come onto him when it was the other way around. It was very, very strange... Now my brother in law and his family moved out of the house, and there is so much peace in the house. No one is always in our business or anything. I am so glad I no longer have to deal with those things anymore.

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      Lana ZK 7 weeks ago from California

      Hi Ellen,

      I do believe it! It feels good to finally be honest, doesn't it? I blew up once too. Didn't help our relationship but made me feel better.

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      ellen 7 weeks ago

      Im aMIL and my problem is that I feel she values her own family and considers my side of the family not included. She brags about a background which does not exist. But tries to convince me she comes from this super intelligent family. I understand that most of them are uneducated. Very annoying because I try not to be rude. But, I finally exploded and said what I really thought. Believe it or not I feel relieved.

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      oasis1313 8 weeks ago

      Lana, thank you so much for your input. If my mother-in-law isn't around, my husband is wonderful to me. You are right in that he is completely oblivious to her machinations and can't do enough for her, even if it means putting us to financial or marital disadvantage. I've tried to talk to him many, many times, but he says I should be honored to wait on her because "she's so nice". Everyone thinks "she's so nice", but they don't have to live with her. I feel like the only person in the universe who isn't completely buffaloed by this woman. I don't dare say anything about her that my husband perceives as negative, but I keep hoping he'll start seeing through it one of these days. Anyway, thank you so much for listening and for the frank (and good) assessment. If any other readers have any helpful advice for survival, I'd treasure it. Thanks so much!!!

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      Victoria 8 weeks ago

      I'm just so emotionally done. I been with my husband for almost 10 years. We started dating at 16 and got pregnant 3 months later. We have 3 kids now. I know this lady hasn't liked me since the day I walked in the door but I still gave it chance to show her otherwise. When i first met her, I opened up a tiny bit, and fucked up by telling het that my was the only one to legally have me as a child. And that my mom decided she didn't want to be around. I'm also Half white Half Guatemalan , and she's full Mexican. She now says disrespectful things about my family, she said my marriage isn't a marriage because it's not by church so she doesnt carefor it. She says bad things will aleays happen to me and my kids becuase according to her i am a liar( I misunderstood something 1 time and being that I have no friends, and spend all my time at home I needed to speak about to my husband) and she claimed that I did that on purpose. We live with them here in CA, San Diego county and it doesn't seem to get better. She gossips about me to all her friends and whenever she starts calling me names (like dumpster kid) she thinks that she can just do so without a reaction, I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT SOOOOOOOO MUCH, though also when she makes comments on stupid things towards me cause I know she wants a reaction. And im just so fed up. We live with them and also throws the "I cook,so get your own food", which isn't a problem until I actually buy my stuff and she bitches that my little amount of stuff takes up her 2 refrigerator space. I tried buying a little one to put in my room but she bitched about the electricity. She also says that she can talk to me any way she wants cause it's her house. (She hasn't worked a day in her fkn life) I also deal with BPD (borderline personality disorder ) and she makes fun of that, she uses that as a lean as to why I'm reacting to her comments(when she "JUST SAYIN") and why I'm such a "liar" I'm on the verge of breaking and the Docs do nothing about it, the meds they gave me mess my mental up worse. And I'm just idk. I'm so tired of this life.

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      Lana ZK 8 weeks ago from California

      Boo boo,

      I know how you feel. You haven't done anything wrong! The animosity between mothers- and daughters-in-law is as old as time. It's essentially a power struggle. But I do believe it stems from the mother-in-law. You can't keep everything inside, it's not healthy. But try not to blow up at her either. Address issues immediately, as they arise. Don't let them escalate. And talk in terms of your feelings as opposed to dishing out accusations. Hope that helps. Good luck!

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      Lana ZK 8 weeks ago from California

      Hi Oasis,

      This sound like a very frustrating situation, sorry about that. But I gotta be honest, the thing that jumped out at me was you saying your husband is a sweet wonderful man, then saying that he always takes his mother's side, calls you selfish and hateful, and is oblivious of the angst this is causing you. Your spouse has to be firmly on your side for this situation to ever improve, in my opinion. Good luck!

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      Boo boo 2 months ago

      I thought mil madness wasn't real....well I found out that it absolutely is. It took me 30 years of putting the jigsaw puzzle together. These 10 points above are all my mil. After ruining Christmas last year, which was at our home and not hers, she has now imposed Christmas Eve at our place....all 40 of us...and she plans to have Christmas Day with her children again the next day without my husband and our children....why? Because she doesn't care about my husband. She's happy for her to have me spend money and time catering for her family but doesnt care if we dont get invited by her or her other children. She said outright that she doesn't want to buy my 2 elderly cousins Christmas pressys even tho they buy her a small gift when they see her at my place. Last year she pushed me on the kitchen floor ( never said sorry), demanded and pushed to cut the Ham leg from my hubby, served my side of the family tiny tiny pieces of her dish of food even though she had extra trays, gave food back to guests who bought it to my house in the first place ( this is my home and dishes given to me). She was a bully to me all day and my husband didn't defend me. We fought for the next 3 days after Christmas and I find it extremely difficult to forgive her and my husband. I just don't want her at my home and yet I look at myself and can' t understand what I've done wrong. I truly believe she feels jealous. My husband says I shouldn't confront her as she will only be worse and ill regret it. So I feel like a soft insipid blob boiling inside. I'm so angry at her for taking over a very important day to me and my own family and how she treats me and my own family.

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      Anitha 2 months ago

      Omg!!! Perfectly written

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      oasis1313 2 months ago

      My MIL lives in my house and relentlessly makes it plain she's the one who rules it. All I'm good for is go out and work to pay bills, clean up after her (She is the Queen of Filth and I always have spills, splatters, dirty pans and dishes, all that stuff--she won't even flush the toilet after herself. She is perfectly capable of cleaning up after herself--she's not an invalid by ANY means), and chauffeur her around wherever and whenever she wants to go. She brags about how much better her figure is than mine; everyone has to keep telling her how pretty she is; she's constantly taking selfies of herself and showing them around. She even sends selfies of herself to my husband (aka her grown son). When I'm on the late shift, I cook dinner for my husband and leave it in the refrigerator--then I get calls from him that his mother has eaten his dinner and he has no supper (of course it's all MY fault). She keeps my house hot enough to grow orchids in, but refuses to chip in a dime to help with the heating bills or any other household expenses. She conveniently "forgets" her credit card or her purse if her car needs gas, her prescriptions need to be picked up--anything she can do to chisel us. If you say anything to her, she always turns the topic into her favorite topic--HERSELF.

      When my husband's father died, she said she was "too upset" to go to his funeral (leaving my husband and me to deal with us all). The poor man wasn't even cooled off in his grave until she was on some "Christian Penpals" and using his money to fly around all over the country to meet men. She was remarried in no time flat and spent the next twenty years trying to force him down our throats, then he passed away and she moved into our house-- then my life really went downhill. Her "boyfriends" and all her old-lady girlfriends call my house at all hours (my husband and I have jobs, but she "feels bad" if I ask her to limit their calls to normal hours. Our modem and computers were hacked because she got on some international dating sites--THAT little trick alone cost me thousands. She breaks all my appliances (like overloading the garbage disposal), the swears she didn't do it so I have to keep replacing major appliances. She has plenty of money and gives it lavishly away to her "friends" but she's content to be a total parasite in my house (all the while telling me how she's such a better money manager than I am--heck, it's easy when others pay all your bills).

      My husband is a sweet, wonderful man--but he keeps this evil woman on a pedestal and always takes her side in everything. She inveigles him to use his credit cards to pay for her vacations, then doesn't pay him back. If I say anything negative about her--or am just too slow to jump if she says frog--then he says I'm selfish and hateful. She's always right and I'm always wrong.

      She is in far better health than I am, so there is no hope of outliving her. I think a lot about taking my dogs and just LEAVING my own home because I despise her so much. I'm so bitter and it feels like it's killing me. I love my husband but so tired of coming in at last place after her. He's good to me, but she always comes first and she never misses an opportunity to twist the knife in my guts. My husband is perfectly content to let her take advantage of us, financially and emotionally.

      She's lived in our house for the last nine years. I keep telling myself I should honor her because she is the mother of the husband I adore, and that God has commanded this respect for her. But I'm at the point that I just try to avoid her; I even bought our current home because it has bedrooms on different levels and I can hide out in my own suite upstairs. I don't know if there's anything else I can do. There is no having a realistic conversation with her or my husband; heaven knows, I've tried for years. I think I need to get a frontal lobotomy so this will quit bothering me. Would appreciate prayers for patience!

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      Lana ZK 2 months ago from California

      Hi Jessica,

      I know what it's like dealing with a person like that. It's very hard to say no to them because of how pushy and manipulative they are, so I give you props for doing just that - saying no. That way you're setting the tone for your relationship, saying that you don't owe her anything and you can't be guilted into doing things you're not comfortable with. Way to go!

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      Lana ZK 2 months ago from California

      Hi What's in a name,

      Living with your MIL for two months will drive any woman insane...it shall pass :) Many women who left comments here actually live with their in-laws on a permanent basis so I would say count your blessings. She lives in another city, that's a huge plus. That being said, I don't think you're exaggerating or overreacting. Your feelings are entirely valid. So if you feel like you need an honest conversation with your MIL, go for it.

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      What's in a name? 2 months ago

      Been married for more than 10 years. I have always lived away from my MIL (like in two different cities), I always had this great notion about her and her aura. But I was so wrong. First instance in 10 years when she has come to stay with us for two months and I am desperately counting days backwards. I can see each and every point written here as if she was the example in mind while writing this article.

      On the other hand, since I and my MIL never had as much as a silent war (let alone an argument or a tiff), he doesn't understand my feelings or concerns. In fact he hardly sees my point. All he says is "I am blowing things out of proportion" or "am overthinking things" and even "just hang in there. She will soon be gone and then I will realise her worth".

      I have harboured my feelings for long enough. I don't want to explode. I hope these few days would pass soon.

      :(

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      Jessica 2 months ago

      I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we live in Chicago. He moved to Chicago 5 years ago and his mom still stays in Arizona. She visited last year with my boyfriends sister, both stayed in my studio apartment for 2 weeks! It was my first time meeting her after 2 years of speaking to her on the phone and seeing her on my boyfriends facetime. First time meeting her she was drunk, she walks into my home and says "Your house is so clean, way cleaner than Randy's ex girlfriend." I thought it was so rude and childish of her to say that. Unaware of the issues we've been through with his ex prior to this, I was livid. But I didn't say anything. Our whole relationship she forces her opinions on us. I told my boyfriend next time they are staying in a hotel, my place is too small for 4 people to be sleeping there. Recently she asked me if her and her daughter could stay at my house AGAIN this Christmas because she was trying to surprise my boyfriend. I told her nicely I think my space is too small and would suggest getting a hotel so they can be more comfortable. I found out later that she was "hurt" by what I said and that I "know that famill is important" to her. She has such a toxic personality, she is never wrong and she thinks I'm obligated to do things for her no! I feel bad because I'm 24 and she is 50 but I am way more mature than her. Not only that her daughter/his sister stole my necklace when she stayed here a few weeks ago. So neither one of them are allowed in my space. I will not let her guilt me into feeling bad about distancing myself from them. They are childish, negative, toxic people.

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      Alexa 2 months ago

      Wow.. all of these point exist in my MIL!

      Before my husband and I got married, she used to be an angel to me.. She even couldn't wait for me and my husband to get married... now she has shown her true colors and is starting to act like a crazy child. The problem is that whenever I discuss it with my husband, I feel he gets devastated at me and I lose some points... from now on, I will act like an angel to his mother in front of him. The more my husband loves me the more it makes her mad. She is getting so clingy! And she uses emotional blackmail. She calls him at least 3 times a day. Once I expressed my annoyance to my husband and told him that it is inappropriate for her to touch his private parts. It seemed that he told her. What she does now is to joke in a way to make me mad. Like saying (when he took a shower at her house) that she was with him and scrubbing him. And she once opened the topic that she cannot touch his ass or parts because now i am the owner (she said it jokingly in a passive aggressive way).

      It really frustrates me that my husband is blind to her behavior!

      Everytime i try to be nice to her she gets on my nerves.. she seems to think that i am taking her son away from her (even though she really wanted us to get married asap). But I am not! I tried to do a lot of things to make her happy. For example, I changed the wedding venue to a location nearer to her place and I agreed on living in a house next to her. BIG MISTAKE. Good thing it is only a rent.

      One time I told her I was trying to fit in a dress for my friend's wedding and she started making fun of me about how i am on a diet and how i was running away from food. I ignored her several times. She started cooking really heavy food and making fun of me that I am avoiding this food to not get fat. She once had a visitor and was watching a cooking channel and the visitor told me to come sit with them. My MIL then made fun of me in front of the visitor that I am looking after my weight and cannot watch with them!

      I cannot believe I was so blind to her behavior. I always think good things of people but now I feel i was so stupid not to see her true self before.. she always comes in unannounced and she would make any excuse to look at the house's rooms and when she does she looks with scrutiny and disgust. My husband cannot see her behavior. It drives me insane. And when i do talk to him about it he gets frustrated. So i think i will never open the topic with him again. I guess i will have to handle it on my own and it seems that i need to learn to be manipulative and to act so sweet when my husband and MIL are with me..

      Whenever my MIL gets annoyed at my FIL she would start putting her anger on my husband "you don't call me, you don't like me, i might die soon before you know it bla bla". This also happens when my husband gets busy with work and doesnt call as often as she wants.. i really hope my MIL dies before my FIL i feel bad for hoping so but i know the situation will become much worse if my FIL dies before... the list goes on... sorry for the long post but this is the only way for me to vent right now :(

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      Lana ZK 2 months ago from California

      Camille, chances are, you won't ever like her, and she won't like you. You don't have to like each other; you just have to be civil with each other and limit your time together as much as possible. And don't let her bully you; don't let her intimidate you. If you don't like smth, say smth. And have your partner in your corner.

      But it's a lot to deal with. I understand why you're contemplating calling off the wedding. I went through the same thing. All I can say is that if you cultivate inner strength and happiness, her shenanigans won't bother you or hurt you as much as they do now. She's just a distraction. Don't let her defeat you.

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      Camille 2 months ago

      I detest my mother in law ... Currently contemplating on calling off my wedding. My partner asked me to marry him 3 months ago. I tried, for 4 years to like her, to get along with her, I have even set aside my own comfort to try to please her. I've never met someone so narcissistic, manipulative, and just down right rude in my entire life. She has never liked me, hell; I dont think the women likes herself. She uses God and religion to portray this holy character, its so disgusting since I know whom she is, and what she is capable of. Its so frustrating to me to see how she manages to fool everyone around her, she comes off as this sweet loving lady; which I, once upon a time believed she was .... but wow! God she is nothing like that. If she has to fake pain, sickness, to manipulate her husband and children, she will. I see the way she manipulates her husband, and son - my partner and its as if they dont even notice. I feel like ive been walking on eggshells for 4 straight years, the way shes treated me, the things shes done to me, are unforgivable. I cant do this anymore, I literary get anxiety (well it increases) when I know I have to deal with her. She even dared to plan thanksgiving dinner at our NEW HOME (we've only been there for 6 months) without my consent. My partner just oblige to her, didn't even bother asking me before he said yes to her. its like her is afraid to say no to them women. I dont think I can deal with this anymore, let alone his sisters; whom are replicas of their mother. I dont think its worth it, the headaches, the pain, the stress, the anxiety. I just dont.

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      Lana ZK 2 months ago from California

      I'm so sorry, Connie. Divorce is a terrible thing to go through. But sometimes it's a blessing in disguise. I do hope you and your husband reconcile and not let anyone interfere with your marriage again. But if not, stay strong and remember that nobody can make you happy. You and you alone hold that power. Good luck!

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      Connie Sue Bowman 2 months ago

      My Mother in Law is paying my Husband his inheritance to Divorce me, plus paying for the Divorce. We have been married almost 15 years, under her protest, she since has lost her only other son ,plus her husband!

      Now, the woman that tried to talk my Zhusband out of marryinhpg me in the first place,has put the wrath of all Evil with Money between my Huband and I. My husband has filed a Protection Irder of Stalking against mr, and refuse s to go to Marriage Counseling now, that his another has gotten into the picture.

      He has filed for an Emergency Divorce, I cannot even speak to him. He changed the locks on our zrental zoomed ehile I was been assessed for a Mental Break Down, and had me evicted from our home! I was left out on the street.

      All, I can do is pray for a Miracle. Before this, he had not seen her for two years, and would Never speak to her! Our Divorce Date is November 17, 2017. I am trying my best to hold throng, but all my dreams in life are made with him. He is my Soul Mate

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      Fed up 2 months ago

      My boyfriends mother hated me the day she met me. She is country and I am city.. although I grew up in a small town. Her favorite past time is to get into our relationship and try to stir the pot. The best part about that is that she waits until my boyfriend leaves the room. She also try's to control me. Recently she has been spreading roomers about me to the family. She has even turned her husband and sister-in-law against me. They won't even speak to me. One roomer is I took down cross decorations. Which must be some kind of sadist act. I didn't take them down to be clear. It's a long story. I confronted her via text because she wouldn't meet with me. That turned into world war 3 in her front lawn when her son and husband had gone out of town. I was merely trying to drop the dog off so I could head to my families house. She came out of the house like a bull cussing at me and raising her voice. Must have been a lot of pent up anger for god knows why:) I stood up for myself which she didn't like but she wanted so she could start more lies. She even screamed that I didn't love her son. She has tried to get my boy friend to break up with me for a few years now. She always has to take a cheap jab at me at every get together and criticize anything I like. What is odd to me is that her MIL treated her really bad. You would think that would make her try to be less of a monster. Did I mention she is a "good catholic woman". Hilarious if you ask me. I avoid get together's like the plague and my relationship with my BF has never been better. Time does not heal all wounds but from what I can tell and have read is that if you think the grass will be greener on the other side...It won't. The new mother in law will hate you too. I am still working on cutting emotions of acceptance from his family. I know one thing, never think one good visit make for a turn around. She has it in her head she doesn't like you and no matter if you are the perfect wife and mother it will not change. So who gives a rats a$$! Smile and know it's her crazy crap. She needs help. I'm still working on it thought because it's hard to not get mad being the independent strong female that I am. The only concern should be that you and your partner are a united front. If he doesn't put you first. SEE YA!!!! I'll go find someone with just as brown grass that at least has my back.

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      Lana ZK 2 months ago from California

      I understand your frustration, Jules. Dealing with a toxic MIL can be extremely tiresome. Whatever decision you make, it's your life. It's your marriage. Don't let anyone else define it.

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      Lana ZK 2 months ago from California

      Charlotte, of course she's trying to put a wedge between you and your husband. That's what toxic MILs do! Meddle, manipulate, control...You and your husband have to present a united front. That's the only way to defeat her. And even then, she'll keep trying. Good luck, stay strong!

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      Lana ZK 2 months ago from California

      Hi Taking Charge!

      I can relate to so much of what you're talking about. My husband is also often on the receiving end of his mother's abuse. We tried cutting the ties with her after particularly bad fights but it always has a destructive effect on the rest of the family, and on my husband even though he tries to hide it, because he's not ready to let go of his mother, even if she is abusive. So we're trying to make it work.

      Vent any time! I'm here.

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      Lana ZK 2 months ago from California

      Hi Sandy! Thanks so much for the comment. I do agree that you don't need to change yourself to please somebody else but I do believe that certain people are in our lives for a reason. It's not about how much you change or whether or not they accept you ( you're right, it may never happen), but rather how you react to and process your interactions.

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      Matt 2 months ago

      Wow that is just about exactly what i'm dealing with

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      Jules 2 months ago

      This is exactly my monster-in-law. You have described her perfectly. I have considered leaving my husband due to this person, sinply for the fact I don't want to deal with her bullshit anymore. It has been 12 years of abuse and counting.

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      CharlotteJ 2 months ago

      Since my husband's father passed away 2 years his mother is becoming unbearable. Pressuring him, talking about me behind my back, there's definite tension and it's causing an uncomfortable situation. We don't yet have children and he seems reluctant lately whenever the topic is brought up. I think she is having a massive impact on him and controlling his thoughts. we have been together for 12 years and married for 2.5 years. My mil puts cultural pressures on me as is Russian and I am British. She sees me as a constant threat and it is tiresome and I am not happy to put up with her behaviour. I love my husband dearly but I feel she is trying to put a wedge between us.

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      TakingCharge 2 months ago

      My pariah of a mother in law checks all the boxes in this story. She's the kind of person who will send a picture of her hand full of pills saying "I'm going to kill myself because I'm so hurt by you" to her son (my husband). One time, she called him from the roof of her house, saying she was going to jump off because no one loves her and she can't ever see her grandchild. We've been dealing with her manipulation and toxic behavior for 10 years. Living across the country from her helps, but only to an extent.

      A year and a half ago, I caught my husband in an affair. When it happened, my MIL all of a sudden wanted to be my BFF. Anything she could do to "help" our relationship. At the same time, her younger son was about to be married. While I would cry my eyes out to her, she would follow up with "did you get your bridesmaid dress yet?" Or she would want to show me her dress, etc. It quickly dawned on me that the only reason she was pretending to care was so I would show up at the wedding and contribute to her perfect image of a family. (I didn't go to the wedding.)

      Shortly after that, I decided to break off contact with my husband's family. I realized I had no obligation whatsoever to be friends with those people. If my husband wanted a relationship with them, it was on him. Needless to say, many of those relationships went south because my husband is not the warm and fuzzy type, like me.

      It was around the time of my daughter's 4th birthday when she received a gift - out of the blue - from my husband's "brother." (He never had sent gifts before, so I know this actually came from his wife.) They didn't call on her birthday or send a card. Just a random gift. We decided it would be best to put the gift away until we heard from his brother. The night of her birthday, my MIL facetimed and asked about the gift that uncle had sent. I picked up my daughter and left the room, leaving my husband to explain that she was out of line. From that point on, it's been downhill.

      We are now at a place where I am not comfortable allowing my child to talk to her grandmother.

      Since my daughter's birthday, both of us have been in individual and couple's therapy. It's been a long, painful, but rewarding journey for us and we've turned the corner to being closer than ever.

      Part of our healing was realizing how much his mother was creating a wedge in our marriage and how we parent our child. Even the mention of this woman's name has sent me into a negative spiral. She triggers me like no other.

      Now, desperate for attention, she's starting to smear her son. Today he got a message from her saying that he is the source of all her pain and depression. And all his family is turning on him for what he's done to her. I'm just at a loss for words. Who does this to their child?

      I hope that I can be a source of support for my husband while he navigates this woman's abuse. Hopefully he will finally recognize her for what she really is.

      Thanks for the vent!

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      sandyisland1 2 months ago

      I do find this article illuminating; however, I do not agree with the inner work. I have survived a monster in law in my previous marriage. NOTHING and I repeat, nothing I could do what ever enough and I was completely unacceptable. I did do all the inner work and changed so dramatically, it ended our marriage. Now, in a second and very happy marriage, I have another covert narcissist for a monster in law and guess what? I am not doing anything to help her along. I have already become a strong, independent woman who cares for my children and step-children equally. Because I am all those things, she hates me even more and I find it amusing. What I became at the hands of one monster in law now frustrates and vilifies me to my second monster in law. I revealed her. Her son sees what he knew to be true about his mother prior to me (during his first marriage) but couldn't verbalize because he did not understand nor have a supportive partner. So we live our lives outside the family realm. We are the black sheep and I will not cater to this hateful woman. So please know that it's not you that always needs to change. I am thankful I grew and matured in all sorts of ways but it has also shown me I will not compromise myself for a person who will NEVER accept me for who I am; the woman who loves their son.

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      Betty Boop's Bestie 3 months ago

      Wow. Imagine the MIL in this article and combine her with political immunity...I was fine before my marriage and sadly had to divorce for my own health and have been better ever since. Toxic is putting it mildly, she premeditated crazy stunts and psyops to manipulate her son. As a grandmother to my kids, she is worse than ever. It is amazing what crazy people can get away with if they have the money to pay people off. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. Sadly, nothing will change until the populace wakes up and realizes something is very wrong. These people should not be in power, they should be behind bars.

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      Lana ZK 3 months ago from California

      Jenofar,

      your feelings of anger and frustration are certainly justified but there's gotta be a better answer to your problems than murder :) Have you tried meditation? Talking to your girlfriends? Wine? Emancipating yourself? It's your life. Don't let other people run it for you. P.S. And don't kill anyone. Seriously.

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      Lana ZK 3 months ago from California

      Shelby,

      I know it's easier said than done but you have to establish boundaries with your in-laws. Nosy grandparents will always try to interfere with how you raise your children, simply because they believe they know better. It's up to you to draw a line between welcomed advice and emotional abuse. Good luck to you!

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      Lana ZK 3 months ago from California

      Hi Shelly,

      reading your comment, first of all, I feel like you are a very kind and patient person. And I wish all good women were rewarded with equally good mothers-in-law, but I've realized long ago it's not the case. Remember the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? Perhaps you "trying" isn't working. Let this woman be. Either she'll come around or she won't. But after 20+ years and two grandchildren you shouldn't be trying. Good luck to you!

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      Karen 3 months ago

      My MIL and spouse started communicating after years of no communication when his dad died about a year and a half ago. The first time we went down she kicked us out during a storm. The second time we left it was getting bad. Now my husband goes down for longer periods of time about every two months because she NEEDS him and his help. He has been gone for 2.5 months now and is no longer sure he wants to be married to me. When home she calls 5+ times every single day and they talk nonstop. He got her into a game we play together or used to play together until he went to her house this last time and now neither of them play. Couple days back he was pouring her drinks and said she wanted to buy us a freezer full of meat for well over a thousand dollars. I called him back when she was asleep and said it was too much and got upset. Now he wants a divorce. Says he won't take my BS anymore. His mother hung up phone on me yesterday when I called husband back while he was in bathroom and told me he couldn't talk and she was on line then click. She is buying him thousands in presents and now I can't even talk to him without her in room with him. Closer it gets to me going to get him the more he argues and wants to stay there. He criticizes everything I do, cuts up with his mom, accepts all gifts from her, worried about her health when I have to do a heart test in a few days and he is there instead of home with me. I feel like they both are narcissists. He gave me ultimatum today said he was no longer going to put up with my shit and was done being nice. Said he would come home but would be mean to me and I have to change and stop complaining about his mom. Basically everything I do is wrong and everything she does is okay. He doesn't even believe anything is wrong with my health even though I am having chest fluttering accompanied by breathing issues with this and went to ER thinking I was having a heart attack or something. Now I have to have tests done but he told me he is sorry but doesn't want to hear about it anymore.

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      jenofar 3 months ago

      I dont have any issues with my MIL but with my sister in law. She stay with us..she is married but she stay with us doing nothing she usually sleeps a lot make me irritable always want me to do work or home chores when i see her in my deep inside i thought of killing her. I pursued msc chemsitry but they wont allow me to work. They treat me as maid...non paid maid.my father in law always slams me in bad manner he always treat me as his slave.i want to kill him too.im frustrated my husband didnt even consider anything he just live a life thats it.every day while im doing work im restless.i asked myself this ia what u deserved?

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      Shelby 3 months ago

      I have a mother in law that is always talking behind my back about my mothering skills. She doesn't agree with anything I doo with my kid and r and her mother are akwss Puttino me down and it's starting to really get to Mr cuz I don't bother them I mind my own business and they still Won't Leave me alone. They tell me I need to do this with her or I need to do that but I want to raise her how I want to not how they tell me to. I don't even like the children they raised so why would I want my child to turn out like theirs. But I think they are trying to split my husband and I up cuz I don't listen to them. He always takes their side too. .now his oldest daughter that's 19 is making up lies about me and always tattle telling on me it's just fuckin ridiculous. What should inform I'm afraid mybhsband will leave me

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      NatNat 3 months ago

      Well, got one sweet toxic mother in law, she’s won, my 52 year old husband has never grown up as she has never allowed him, our marriage is ending and she is the main ingredient. Sad story indeed!

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      Mya's mom 3 months ago

      Hi,

      I'm at a point of breaking my husband tells me to brush it off work with her and talk to her but here's what happened I moved outta state to be with my husband and his family she was a complete bitch since day one. Then a couple years went by she knew I wasn't going anywhere and kinda calmed down my dh was like oh see she like you we got engaged she was all tears then I got pregnant a couple months after she kept putting guilt on my husband is she gonna let me be in the room when my first grandson is born blah blah I fell into it and let her be in the room my son was born she would get everything for him no chance for me to buy anything because she would go and buy so much stuff that when I tried to she would be like oh I got my baby that already I started to get mad and I would tell her great keep it at your house we later on took a trip to go visit my side of the family wow her and my sil threw fits the whole time i was still ok with that the trip was ruined but it was to be expected of them we came back my son was sick I asked her one day if she can pick him up from daycare she said yea I told her please be careful when you hold him I don't want yoh getting sick well a couple hours later she replied to a group text saying can you believe her she said not to hold my granbaby how can I not hold him she then realized it was a group text and not a msg to her daughter I was furious I know don't trust her at all I'm completely angry I hate her and to me I felt like that was the last of it I k kw can't sleep I wish she would rot I might be being a little dramatic but I feel I've been silent enough she's constantly talking so much trash about other people and the. Turns around and is like hi hugs and kisses and to me that's disgusting that's the kind of bitch I'm dealing with the one that everyone likes because they don't know her

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      Shelly 3 months ago

      I need advise- we've been married 25 years tomorrow. We have 2 beautiful children- 24 yo daughter & 20 yo son- both married, and we will be grandparents in April:) we've never been happier!

      We are a super close family.

      My MIL has never cared for me or our children. She's been very clear about the fact that she only cares to talk to & have a relationship with her son. This is her only son and only 2 grandchildren, although she does have 3 step children and several step-grandchildren, she's made it clear that they are also not her 'real family'

      My husband makes it clear to her that we are a family/united. He turns her down to meet privately, without me or our kids, as she constantly asks to do that & he feels it reinforces her idea that it's ok to not include us & for her to ignor our existence.

      I'm at a loss as to what to do.. I've always made it a point to be sure she is included in any get together a or special occasions we have. I'm at a point to where I just want to stop trying.

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      Mina 3 months ago

      Hi I thought this author knew my mil and was describing her to the perfection

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      Warren 3 months ago

      While this isn't a compettion I have you all beat. my MIL was never involved in our relationship till my son was born. She went behind my back and begged her daughter to change the name we decided on a month before while never hearing one thing from her till day of birth. My wife was on drugs and had been induced in labor for 2 days when wicked asked her to name after her father. what could I say to my wife who had been in labor three days and was recovering from C-section. I should have gone to the court that day and filed for divorce. Seriously I would end up moving back to NYC from south florida where my dad and his sister lived. To queens, NY and live for 1 year in her building she got in her own 10 year divorce. Everything is my fault and I am a sociopath. even after I worked 17 months for her to her a Certificate of occupancy for her building that was vacant 5 years. I lost 28,500 working for her but was promised monthly destitutions for life, she sold building after 21 months and only paid us 18 distributions. My wife becomes addicted to painkillers, I tell my mil and she tells daughter that I wanted custody and a divorce. I don't see my son for three months and it gets much worse from there.

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      RG 3 months ago

      Wow. I just had a direct conversation with my MIL today that she needs to go to assisted living. After 2+ years of her living with my husband & I, she has taken over my life & household. I hadn't read this post yet, but so much I have read is what I have been going thru- the religious but in ritual only, getting her own way thru guilt/sympathy or $ of which I don't want. I need my sanity/home back. I sucked wind for so long, Wakes me to ask if she took her meds. No sleep in my own home. Acts out to get her way & then if you get angry with her, she becomes a world class apologetic victim. I am a disposable, non person doormat used only to administer all her needs. People looking in think she's a sweet old lady. She is old & I will have guilt putting her in AL but I am only human, not a saint. It is agonizing my husband. It is her happiness or mine. Not a good place for a parent to put her grown child. I never want to put my children thru this.

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      Lana ZK 3 months ago from California

      Hi Cathy,

      You may be going through a rough patch, but I don't believe that a toxic MIL can destroy a strong marriage! Reconnect with your husband, repair what needs to be repaired, and always be a united front. Don't give her the satisfaction of tearing you two apart.

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      Lana ZK 3 months ago from California

      Amen!

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      Lana ZK 3 months ago from California

      That's the topic of my next article :)

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      Lana ZK 3 months ago from California

      Hi TTM,

      It's funny how husbands are always like: don't pay attention to her, brush it off, move on...if only it was that easy!

      It's tough when the children are involved...I can't even imagine what I would have done if my MIL treated my kids differently. So far our daughter is the only grandchild, so she gets all the love and affection. If she was in any way mistreated, it'd be so painful. But what do you do? Cut your kid off from the extended family because of one stupid person? I think I'd be willing to do that if things got bad enough. You're right about the boundaries though. That's a good start.

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      Lana ZK 3 months ago from California

      Lexie, I think this is the best advice! I still get consumed though, I know I have to work on that. But I also figured out pretty early on that I have to keep my guard up and I have to be firm with her. I know she'll never change, but I can. I can be stronger, less succeptible to her drama. Thank you for you wise words! I needed that.

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      Lana ZK 3 months ago from California

      Hi Laura,

      I know your pain. My MIL is ridiculously religious too, only she's more into the ritual as opposed to the spirit of the religion she practices. It's clear to see that there is a huge disconnect but she feels herself to be the righteous one, so there is very little self-reflection.

      I'm wondering Laura, do you feel like it's too late to stand up to your MIL? And if so, why? Because Every time you do stand up to her and call her out on her bullshit and her craziness, you will feel stronger, I promise you that. Good luck, I have faith in you!

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      Tricia 3 months ago

      This is definitely just like my on and off boyfriends mother

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      3 months ago

      Laura Sandry, you are not alone.

      I am one and a half month away from my wedding and this evil queen is taking my fiancee away to Australia and Japan, and he'll be back one week before the wedding day, leaving me to prepare things alone.

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      Mandy 4 months ago

      Hahaha someone saying mil is suffering from mental illness actually there is a research that43%old people suffer from mental illness well seriously telling you I will leave such family and live my life and not give a dammmm about my stupid mil.

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      Cathy Hughes 4 months ago

      My mother in law is RELENTLESS! She is making me push myself away from my husband as he doesn't realize the turmoil that woman puts me through....she's a busybody and thrives off of drama not to mention she's nosy as HELL! I fear my marriage is on the downhill slide.

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      Ky girl 4 months ago

      I as well have monster in law and find these very helpful. I also agree that removing someone that brings nothing but hate and bitterness into our marriage needs to have distance. My experience has been nothing but miserable she has spread rumors about me. She has said she will tolerate me but doesn't have any reason of why she feels that way. She went 13 years without talking to her son because we got married. She would invite his ex wife over every time we came over and just acted over joyed and left me out of every conversation like I didn't exist. But get this I only was around her for two months and it's been 13 years. We had rough spot in our marriage husband called made contact with them for her to only say that HE was a wh@@$ and laugh about it which really hurt my husband that he's almost 50 years old and she acts this way. That's when we decided she needs to mature and realize her control won't get her any where. So we choose us !

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      Chris alabama 4 months ago

      My MIL has been doing everything mentioned and then some, we've been married 30 yrs. and she still is as evil as she ever was and admits at how good she is at it and how she knows how to lie , cheat and steal and make up stories to get her way and she admits she doesn't care one bit who it may hurt. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with her.

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      Vj 4 months ago

      That last part especially! When those good moments happen are when i feel hopeful and try to set up visits, only to regret it.

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      Victoria 4 months ago

      What about Toxic DILs (daughter-in-laws)?

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      TTM23B 4 months ago

      I am not a professional but I think it was about 3 to 4 years ago when I discovered what my now MIL is. She is a narcissist to a T! She is always so predictable in a sense. You would think it would get easier since I know what she is, but it does not get easier. She has only become more crazy in all of her actions. I really do feel like she will never stop until my marriage to her son is destroyed. She gets crazier every year since nothing has worked so far.

      I cannot tell my husband what I think she is, because he loves his mother. He even tells me "blind, crippled or crazy, she's my mom and she's not going anywhere" I think the only person that could tell him, would be a professional. He says she set in her ways and this is just how she is and nobody can change her. He thinks I should be able to move on from the crazy things she does and says and brush it under the rug like he does. I just can't, I hate this woman more and more. She does not like me because she no longer has full control of my husband. I know this drives her mad. I also feel like she has something against our kids because they are half me.

      What makes it worse is that my in laws are very well off. I secretly feel like this is part of why my husband will never stand up to her, (and his father, because he has no backbone and supports her craziness no matter how outlandish). He's afraid to lose any sort of inheritance. The only good that comes of this is that they live about half the year in a far away state at their 2nd home!

      The most recent incident involved 2 grandchildren, my son (10yrs) and my sister in laws son (4yrs) the details of the incident don't really matter, just the fact that the 4 yr old is her favorite and my son is always blamed for every single incident that happens between the 2 because he's older and the other is just a baby. She got upset that I first told the 4 year old not to hit my son with a hard tool he raised to hit him with. Then not too much later my husband corrected him and told him to stop kicking my sons chair while he was eating. Both his parents ends up lecturing my husband first then pulled me into it. We were blamed and it's our fault because we have a negative attitude towards the 4 yr old. It's 3 adults ganging up on the poor innocent 4yr old. So now my son is considered an adult. It's our fault and has nothing to do with the fact that the 4yr old gets no discipline whatsoever.

      A couple days later They left for a 2 week vacation and on their last day my husband called his father to see if he would be back for an event of my sons that the grandfather attends every year at school. Then he passed the phone to his wife, saying what's that? You want to talk to your mom? Even though my husband said nothing of the sort. She ends up going off on him over the 4yr old once again. Says we need to apologize to him, calls my husband an idiot several times, calls me an idiot and our son an idiot. Also calls us ALL stupid. She even talks about our 20month old and says how he pushes her away and is worse than the 4yr old and that he bites. (he has never bitten her and when he did bite us he was only about 15months and still learning) She says we need parenting classes. And who knows what else my husband didn't tell me. At some point, his dad joined and said not to talk back to her, she's the matriarch of the family and he needs to shut up and listen to her and respect her, etc. Anyways this conversation upset my husband at first. He was more upset than I'd ever seen him before. He said some things that I have never heard him say. He was saying he didn't know where to go from here or how it would be resolved. He said he didn't want to see them for holidays. About a week later he calmed down and just brushed it all under the rug.

      This woman is pure poisonous evil! I was so disappointed when he decided to push under the rug once again. I know the only way to escape the crazy is through boundaries that my husband is not willing to set. He says they are his parents and he will always have a relationship with them. He forbid me from attending the labor day celebration and split the kids. Half the time 1 with me and half the time 1 with him then he swapped them. He made up an excuse as to why I wasn't there, instead of telling the truth. The truth being that I don't want me or my children around a disgusting excuse of a human being.

      I am 26 weeks pregnant with #3 and I'm sure the hormones are fueling my hate for this woman. Pick on my husband and pick on me, but now she's bringing our children into the BS. Which she has before, just not to this extent. She has always played favorites ever since she had more than just my son as her grandchild. I just hope that one day my husband will finally have enough. I think this latest explosion she had pushed him further than ever before.

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      ~A 4 months ago

      Well its been less than year and we are living together. the easiest part is she had accepted me and i have accepted her. but the difficult part is, "not in the way we are". its like someone is always watching you and your things and is always trying to correct you, make faces and try to manipulate every smallest thing in your life. sometimes i want to yell at her to just leave me alone.

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      Flanker 4 months ago

      I hear you guys and I'm more or less on the same boat too.

      I have just found out that my wife is discussing our private matters with her mom behind my back and that all my MIL is doing is turning my wife against me.

      I feel betrayed by my wife and disrespected by her mom based on what I discovered she's saying about me behind my back but I'll take my time to think because I don't want to act upon my terrible current emotions.

      Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

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      Lexie 4 months ago

      This is my life to a tee! My own mom is very kind and laid back. She accepts my husband and he never has to worry about being judged or attacked. My MIL is a serious narcissist. Most toxic MIL are I would imagine. She has done everything on your list including spreading lies about me since I do not worship the ground she walks on. You can never let your guard down. Even when MIL has a day when she is not as mean, if you let your guard down they will walk all over you. Having said that, the best advice is also not to become as consumed by bitterness and hate they have. I keep my guard up by not making eye contact often, talking to anyone else in the room who might be nicer. Don't ever let angry MIL see that you care about her. They thrive on drama and hate. I am also firm with my MIL. I will tell her no a lot. You have to show her you are the boss of your household. You can be firm and polite. Your MIL has no regard for your space so don't feel like you have to comply. Seven years later into the marriage, nothing has changed in so far as MIL is still hateful towards me. I just don't react to her crap and I am very firm with her. Like dealing with a 5 year old. So she stays away from me and tells people I keep her from her grandchildren. Which is untrue of course. But people love gossip. You can only outline a code of ethics for yourself and your family and chose to be someone who does not lie, steal, gossip, etc. I can't change my MIL. She will never change. Just don't get dragged down into the negativity. Conduct yourself with grace and hold your head high in the face of bitterness and hate.

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      Marie NC 4 months ago

      Yep, I'm familiar with every single one of these. My MIL is simply mentally ill. She has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and she milks her "victimhood" for all it's worth. She has used every opportunity to manipulate us and undermine our marriage for 17 years. I have a sister with NPD, so I am wise to all of the tactics and she hates that I don't fall for her bullsh#t.

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      Laura Sandry 4 months ago

      This past week, my soon to be MIL went too far. The week before Labor Day when my soon to be husband and I were set to go visit my family (who we have not seen in 6 months as we live on the other side of the country) decided to book my fiancé a flight home to see her instead. Keep in mind this was all done without his consent. I confronted her on the fact that I was upset that she did this, and her response was "I am more happy that he is coming home than I am sad that you are upset. We both want him this weekend and I figure it is MY turn!!!"

      I cannot stop thinking about how beyond inappropriate the entire situation is. I can't think about anything else. Any advice or any other soon to be wives going through something similar??

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      Lauragz 4 months ago

      My biggest regret in life is not standing my ground where my MIL is concerned. 28 years and 5 children later, she is still toxic. The irony is that she is a Christian. The first thing the bible talks about in a marriage is to leave your parents and cleave to your wife. Why does she feel the need to control other people's lives? No she doesn't live with us. And when she does come over it usually for 2 days. She is good only in SMALL DOSES. I'm so mad at myself to the point I loathe myself. Why do I believe her? Why can't I understand that she is just being who she is? I put my kids through unnecessary pain because I continued to allow her in my house. I don't even know how to forgive my stupid self. Thanks for listening and thanks for the article. Unfortunately she meets alot of the points.

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      Kay 4 months ago

      Hello. I can see now I'm not alone. As I read your article, almost everything fits to my future MIL. The best thing is the fact we don't have to live with my future parents-in-law or our finances are independent to theirs. But my fiance can't understand why I don't like to arrive to his parents - especially his mother (who is actually his stepmother but she raised him, since his biological mother is dead). And I'm the person who had some experience with toxic people so I try to avoid them as much as I can - it's the only way to get free. My mother said "Accept the fact she won't accept you ever". And I'm afraid it's true. But still I don't want my fiance to be sad because of that fact. Maybe he cannot see some things but as my mother said "he will see it sooner or later". I proposed to my fiance the solution: if he want to go there, help them (because of their farm) or something - please go. But don't take me with you. Lana, do you think that solution is okay?

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      Lana ZK 4 months ago from California

      Hi Molly,

      I sympathize with you. I also feel that at some point being "nice" is a little too late. I can also relate to being married into a family of rage-aholics. And I support your decision to distance yourself from all that toxic emotional sinkhole. You are a strong woman, and I applaud you for living life on your terms. Good luck! And any time you need to vent, I'm here :)