14 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother-in-Law and How to Deal With Her

Updated on August 9, 2018
kalinin1158 profile image

Lana regularly offers support to women who deal with narcissistic abuse and other difficult family or relationship issues via her blogs.

They don't call them monsters-in-law for nothing.

Mothers-in-law are notorious for being controlling, judgmental, critical, and overbearing. And like any toxic person, a toxic mother-in-law is a soul-sucking parasite that feeds on your misery. To protect yourself and your loved ones, you first need to know your enemy, so here are 14 signs you might be dealing with a toxic mother-in-law.

14 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother-in-Law

  1. She is always right, without exception. Which means that she's never wrong. She'll never admit being wrong, and she will never apologize for anything. That would surely cause the collapse of the Western civilization and contradict the premise that she's always right. In her eyes, you (and possibly your spouse) are the only one to blame.
  2. She is dismissive. She will ignore you for the most part, conveying that you don't matter to her. She will not listen to a word you say. She'll ask you if you're hungry, hear "no," and still put food on your plate. She'll also disregard any of your accomplishments as insignificant and unworthy of her attention. Only things that have value to her are important.
  3. She makes it clear she doesn't like you. She will communicate to you, in a thousand subtle ways, that you are not good enough for her son or for her family. She will not say it to your face, no, but you will hear the message loud and clear. Depending on your self-esteem, you will either feel devastated or slightly amused.
  4. She expects complete subservience. To establish her dominance, she will expect you to please her. That would include adopting her opinions, religion, culture, appearing at every family event, learning her ways of cooking, cleaning and just about everything else under the sun (because her way is clearly better), and, last but not least, giving her grandchildren. If you fail to do any of that, you are indeed a rotten daughter-in-law, and she has a right to complain about you to anyone who'll listen.
  5. She has control issues. If she can't get you to respect her authority, she'll tighten the reins on her son, her other kids, her grandchildren, and as many friends and family as possible. She'll make simple things complicated just to prove to everyone she's the one calling the shots.
  6. She doesn't respect your words, choices, or personal space. She will come to your house uninvited and unannounced, expecting you to welcome her with open arms and be grateful for the honor of her visit. She will look with disgust at how filthy your place is and how unmannered your kids are.
  7. She plays emotional games. Her narrow mentality dictates that she must rule by withholding her affection and approval, so she will use silent treatments, guilt, blame, and direct intimidation to manipulate you and your husband. If he's not siding with her, she will be punishing and destructive towards him, too. At the same time, she will be demonstratively granting her love to his siblings and your sister-in-law.
  8. She loves an audience, and she's very concerned with appearances. In public, she will enact a charming, cultured woman who is a selfless caretaker of her family. She may even be known as a philanthropist in her community. Most people will fall for that. They will not understand what beef you could possibly have with such a great lady. Don't try to dissuade them. Let them stay in the matrix. Let them enjoy their steak.
  9. She's completely self-centered and narcissistic. Like any narcissist, she sees her children not as individuals, but as extensions of herself. Everything they do reflects on her, so she will go to great lengths to correct any "deviation" from the path she's chosen. That includes the people they marry; you. She will never give up trying to destroy your marriage or to control her children's lives.
  10. She engages in smear tactics. If she feels that her seat on the throne is threatened, she will become extremely defensive and passive-aggressive. She will start a smear campaign in her community, trying to turn everyone against you. You'll know she's not pleased when you start hearing all the rumors and lies she's saying about you behind your back. Eventually she'll try to turn her son against you, too.
  11. She's vindictive, spiteful, grudge-holding, and punishing. If she feels threatened by you, she'll figure out a thousand ways to make you suffer for it. Get ready for guilt trips, silent treatments, finger-pointing, button-pushing, and manipulation. She'll turn all of her affection elsewhere just to spite you. She'll play favorites with everyone else, hoping to make you suffer even more.
  12. She shows you a negative side she hides from everyone else. At some point you'll realize that your mother-in-law has two faces: the nice respectable one she shows to friends and family, and the negative, critical, toxic side she saves just for you. And if you tell anyone, they'll think you're crazy for complaining about such a sweet lady.
  13. She acts like she cares (but it's all show). There will be times when she's nice to you (usually, after you've done something she approves of). She might get you a nice gift for your birthday, support your opinion or compliment you (or at least refrain from insults for once). At this point you might be tempted to think that she's starting to accept you as a daughter-in-law, but don't be fooled.
  14. She's just waiting for you to let your guard down. Don't lose your vigilance even when she's on her best behavior. It may look like things are getting better. Then, out of nowhere, she will turn on you again, and you will be reminded that she will never accept you, and you can never have a relationship with her. That's not necessarily a bad thing, by the way.

10 Tips for Dealing With a Toxic Mother-In-Law

  1. Consider why she might be treating you this way. Not that understanding will excuse her behavior, but knowing why she's acting this way will give you clarity and help guide your reactions.
  2. Avoid escalating conflict. Don't let her bait you into an emotional reaction. Instead of adding fuel to her fire, practice de-escalation techniques and conflict management.
  3. Remember that strong emotions make bad situations worse, so learn to detach. Instead of getting your feelings hurt, remember that her attitude has little to do with you. If the conflict is impossible to avoid, go ahead and respond honestly. Don't be rude, but be clear and neutral about your feelings.
  4. Recognize and avoid triggers. You are the bigger person, the one who understands the larger picture, so use that perspective in your favor. If she aways acts out when you're at her house, then don't go over there so often. If she gets weird and controlling around holidays, have an escape plan in place.
  5. Verbalize and enforce your boundaries. Can she drop by unannounced? Can she assert her own religious beliefs over yours? Can she dictate how your parent your children? Decide where you draw the line and don't back down from it.
  6. Don’t pick fights, but stand up for yourself. Let her do all the fight-picking, mud-slinging, and finger-pointing—instead of reacting emotionally or defensively, simply stand your ground. Say, "You clearly have strong feelings about [insert subject here], but I feel differently," or "I'm glad that worked for you, but I prefer to do it this way."
  7. Enlist your partner's help. He must play an active role on your team, helping his mother adapt to her new position in the family hierarchy.
  8. Insist on some physical distance. You don't need to move out-of-state, but you also don't need to attend every little event. Let your husband continue his relationship with his mother, but you don't have to be involved all the time.
  9. Remember that she's probably not going to change. Don't endlessly try to make things better, solve the problems, mend all the fences, and improve yourself. At some point you have to admit that this is the way things are and move on.
  10. Don't let her toxicity poison you. Dwelling on all the negative things your mother-in-law says and does is no way to live your life. At some point, her motives, actions and feelings should fade into the background so you can focus on yourself and your relationship, instead.

On a personal note, I don't expect to be friends with my MIL any time soon, or ever. I think we're too different for that, and at the same time, too similar in that we're both strong women who don't back down. I understand her frustrations with me, but I also understand that those frustrations have nothing to do with me. It's just self-aggrandizing rejection of "the lesser."

Lastly, I find great comfort in the fact that my own mother is a kind, caring, generous woman who's a wonderful mother-in-law to my husband. So that makes my monster-in-law somewhat bearable, and at times even amusing.

What About You?

How difficult is your mother-in-law?

See results

Questions & Answers

© 2015 Lana Adler

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Meredith 

      4 days ago

      Too bad my biological mother also exhibits all of these. I'm f*****.

    • profile image

      utir 

      7 days ago

      My bestfren's mil is saruupnakha and the rest of the family is way too awara.. Her brother in law, is that early man who never grew after that stage, as he was the b.c till now. Her father in law is such a characterless man that he still leches and having affairs with , I don't know what sort of 70's club women. The root cause of the whole sharma disease is her MIL and FIL, i would like to give them away the award of Best Conspiracy Cookers in the house of train train and Pagal Ghar.

      I'm just so pissed with their tantrums and the way they show the fake love to their son's is way too frustrating. If there are any kidnappers, who are reading this then brother's pls help your Indian sister and apart from her husband just take everyone and dump them in some haunted cave.

    • profile image

      Odette 

      10 days ago

      My ML is the fakest person I know she manipulates and lies and about me and the children she has gone as far as to enlist the help of my husband's brother to continue her campaign of hate and to destroy my marriage

      My husband is clueless to her doings or his because he is such a gentleman he does not see the bad in the world

      I do not know how to deal with the most evil person I know

    • profile image

      Seema 

      3 weeks ago

      Actually the matter is about my mother in law and rest of family member I married I had one daughter my married had 5 years in between this 5 years she never expect me as his daughter in law I do many kind of trials to do my best but everything get worst me now from last year me and my husband we differ from them because we thing this is better from us but my want is this possible that my mother in law start a new relation ship with me

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      3 weeks ago from California

      Robin,

      This type of behavior is certainly unpleasant. It’s passive aggressive, emotionally abusive, not to mention - rude. Although it also depends on where your MIL is coming from. Perhaps in her culture as a younger one you are supposed to address her first, as a sign of respect. But more likely, it’s just her way of showing you her disapproval. Either way, it’s worth bringing up.

    • profile image

      Anthony Ramsay 

      3 weeks ago

      The truth cannot be hidden forever, no one is perfect, even parents have had issues with their parents when they began their journey! Treat people how you want to be treated, no matter the race, color, religion, politics or anything else that devides the human race! Two souls meant to be intertwined can never stay apart, this is Universal law! If the mind is strong enough nothing will alter this quantum state of vibration! Those who say the Sun and Moon cannot exist in the same sky are the ones who will never survive an Eclipse! If it ordained the sun will reach in to an abyss until they pull their moon back into its light!......no matter how many you have to go through! When you fear nothing love always wins!

    • profile image

      anabel 

      3 weeks ago

      I had issues with MIL since she started coaxing us to give her grandkids after a year we got married. I agree, that it is a norm to have kids and every parent loves or hopes to be a grandparent but she took it to whole next level, I'm not sure if it's appropriate to mention it ; she even advised not to use restroom after intercourse. Constant reminder on weekly basis, hinting that I'll delay having kids if i look for jobs or pursue studies. Giving examples of other people who had trouble conceiving cause they waited too long or bad family planning choices etc . By the time i was married, i was just 24 years old and my husband's 27 its not like I was about to hit menopause or my husband was really old, we were young and healthy. After be ridiculously drained and vexed for no reason, we finally decided to have a baby. Then things got even worse than i ever imagined. I thought she would be grateful and extremely happy to finally have a her wish fulfilled. She just kept seeing the baby as extension of herself, her obsession peaked so much that at a point i felt like i was just a 'medium' to give her a grandchild. I obliged to fulfill her every wish about how to raise the baby, including how longer should i continue to breastfeed, what kind of lotion i have to use on baby, herbal/ folk remedies she wants to use for my baby, ordering me not no use disposable diapers because the baby might get rash, how much solid food to feed ... etc. If i say my opinions or express that it might not be the right thing for my baby, she holds a grudge on me instantly. Making stinging comments on my parenting, and making me feel like i'm a lesser mother myself. If i was unhappy about it, and moody, my behavior was complained to my husband. Making him feel like his wife is not liking the presence of his parents. After my child was around 6 months old she blatantly told me that it's time we have another child and argued with me that there was no need for your body to recover from previous delivery, i have had an emergency cesarean with my firstborn.

      (Although we did wait longer to have to have a second child, we were constantly reminded all over again, . I have been married since 9 years and i took enough crap, the only reason probably me an my husband are still together is because we live separately far away from inlaws. Because of all this, our marriage was tested too, to a point that my husband even used the 'divorce ' word. I'm still trying to recover, find emotional strength and detox myself .But i know it's a constant battle to be fought for no fault of mine. I keep choosing happiness that i deserve, and I'll keep doing what i think as their mother is best for my kids.

    • profile image

      Robin 

      3 weeks ago

      How do you handle your mother in law when she ignores you? When I walk into a room she will not address me I will have to address her. If I walk past her, she would not even look at me unless I addressed her first. What is the etiquette on those types of situations.

    • profile image

      TonyaTheGreat 

      3 weeks ago

      What if your MIl writes this about you, and your son finds it while she is visiting: The situation

      I have been trying for over a decade now to have a loving relationship with Tonya but she makes it so hard. I'm not sure what started it off, her dislike of me, but most times I can find an excuse for her behavior be it the painful separations when Rob was deployed or something else I wasn't aware of, even hormones. When Rob was in Iraq we developed (in my mind) a good relationship supporting each other but when Rob was on his way home for a break, Susanne had just called me sobbing on the phone Gary was very ill this is when Leukemia was first suspected and I shared this with Tonya but her reaction was so inappropriate that I took the phone away from my ear as I couldn't listen, when I picked it up again she had calmed down and we ended the conversation, maybe I missed something then by not listening. We went to Maryville then to see Rob, trying not to take up too much of there time together, she showed me the guest room she had decorated , it was lovely and I said so I also said Martha Stewart would be proud ( for some reason she likened me to Martha Stewart) once again an inappropriate reaction she said and I quote " there she goes again insulting me" and she ran out of the room. Being in the emotional state I was in because of Robs deployment, I was devastated and this along with realizing she was making Rob think we hadn't been supporting her was more than I could bare. This stress along with the stress of Iraq put me into a very deep depression. Little did I know that this behavior was going to be a pattern for many years to come. We met in England for Sarah my nieces wedding and it started with one of her glaring hateful looks, then the hotel employee told us our Son had our room and we said that wasn't a problem, the next day he stopped us and asked us if we had switched rooms and we said no it wasn't necessary, at that point Tonya came rushing towards us and said it wasn't our room my niece Sarah had personally arranged that room for them once again we said it wasn't a big deal our room was fine. Needless to say she was not happy. During this time together two particular events were quite hurtful and that's putting it mildly. We went on a hike in Derbyshire with some of my family and Tonya neither spoke or came near us the whole time, afterwards we went for a Pub lunch, some ordered desert including Tonya, my sister-in-law Sue and I decided to walk across the street to get post cards for my granddaughters and then caught them up as they came out of the Pub, it was at this point Tonya ran up to me and said something teasingly about shopping just a few inches from my face but I think looking towards Sue so I said she wasn't shopping I was getting cards for Ellie and Kate she interrupted by saying everything's not always about you Chris and rushed away I thought she was trying to tease and stuck my hiking stick out and she turned and grabbed it and said look everyone Chris's beating me with a stick then she said I will never go on vacation with you again. This all happened in minutes and was so silly no one paid any attention. A few days later we were out for dinner with Clive and Sue, Rob and Tonya and Rob went to get drinks and suddenly out of the blue Tonya turned to Malc and in a loud voice told him what a terrible driver he was and then accused me of beating her with a stick, this in a restaurant full of people and in front of my family and then she pretended to cry, I could barely breath I know my blood pressure was up I felt as though I was going to have a stroke . Just thinking about this has given me nightmares.

      Eventually I persuaded myself not to let her upset me, at least not enough to put me in a depression. I've noticed over the years how she manipulates Rob into thinking the situation is caused by me. I've noticed two distinct personalities.

      Tonya attacks me every time we meet, most of the time I don't know what she's talking about, she also says hurtful things such as ( I asked Rob if he wanted to send you a gift for you're birthday but he said no I wouldn't want her to start expecting something ) . She sends all my gifts back or gives them away including things I've sent for Bax. On Robs 40th birthday he came home for a break ( just after, he was in Afganistan on the actual day ) I painted him a picture of the Smoky Mountains it has never been seen again.

      The situation never changes, it's broke my heart emotionally and literally. The weird thing is it seems to be a manipulative game to her and every time she's nice and I warm up to her she does it again.

      This is a shortened version of the last decade.

      Chris.

      Part Two

      In conclusion my thoughts are, do I put up with hurtful behavior listed below.

      Return, give away, pass on gifts given with love even a special painting I did when Rob was in Afganistan.

      Asked not to go in the kitchen .

      Criticized for everything I say.

      Ignored when I attempt to join in a conversation .

      I accept that any kind of advice or help is not appreciated however I do not accept being spoken to as if I don't know anything. The hateful looks and condescending manner I cannot tolerate and intend to walk away any time that happens. Tonya has said on occasion she has friends my age but I would be willing to bet she doesn't look or talk to them the way she does me.

      Lastly I don't know what this is all about, what terrible thing did I do to make her hold this grudge for over a decade and when is it going to end , life is too short to waste it this way.

      2016

      We have travelled to Bulgaria to spend time with Rob and family. The week is going very slow she just told me we send everything to the wrong address and they don't want us to send anything Rob and Baxton don't like cards and they don't need anything, as usual she criticizes everything I say and do she spends a lot of time trying to spoil our relationship with Rob, she is very disrespectful. My God I don't know how my Son puts up with her she is a bitch and she never stops talking.

      I'm feeling a bit like I did as a child when my Dad was in one of his moods and the best thing to do was keep out of the way. I just want to go home. I hate it here.

    • profile image

      Speaking Of Mrs. I'm In Capable 

      4 weeks ago

      This article is SPOT on accurately relatable. Personally, I have made effort to make adjustments to manage and maintain peace with my MIL despite her narrsistic behavior. Espisode after espisode, year after year, I have tried to set my dignity aside (especially out of respect for my husband.) Sadly, her behavior is beyond TOXIC!!! She will never admit or apologize for the crap she has pulled. She has the maturity level of a troubled 11 yr old, insecure, caniving, spoilt brat... out right mean girl. Her go-to words while being confronted Is; "I am in capable of hurting anyone!!!" She has said some messed up stuff including; My spouse lacks supportiveness he is in denial about her behavior. There comes time when enough is enough. I have tolerated it too long, essencially it has done nothing but empower her to continue. I want to grow and move in a different direction and she is not in that happy plan. When it comes to our children...they are better off not having her as an influence I would rather her not rain on our thriving family. She is selfish and jelous she hates me so why would i trust that she has my kids best interest at heart. She plays games and uses kids as tools. I am not interested in her tatics we are better than that. I want nothing to do with her.

    • profile image

      A. 

      5 weeks ago

      @Dickensface, I need some of the spiritual teachings you have found. Do you have anything that you recommend people can read? I want to be free of the pain I feel surrounding all I have been through with my husband's family. I like your analogy of winning the lottery. That's a good one. We can only control ourselves and our own emotions; but when you've been so horribly abused wow, I mean, it feels like there is comfort in the hatred, yet the hatred also tears a person apart inside. My MIL comes from a very privileged family in Singapore, she moved to Canada and hated it here. All the hatred she felt towards this new place she heaped on my immediate family and I. No matter how loving and welcoming we were it was never enough. I'm so angry! So, I need your spiritual way of life. If you can recommend any books to read, I'm open. Blessings to you.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      5 weeks ago from California

      Dickensface,

      Thanks for sharing your perspective, it’s a breath of fresh air. I love what you said: “Spiritual way of life clearly explains that it is a very punishing for a person who is caged in these mean thoughts all the time.” If we can find a way to feel compassion for them, we will flip the situation on it’s head and change the whole dynamic of the relationship.

      Great points!

    • profile image

      Dickensface 

      5 weeks ago

      This article is spot on the issue about toxic mil and also how to deal in a situation like this.I have been facing such a narcisstic mil and pil both from the last 25 years but somehow my husband make up for it. We have been also residing in almost separate countries but she still use to bad mouth about me. I wonder how can she invests so much time in criticising me but later on i found that she is like that with almost everyone. Initially I used to feel that something is terribly wrong with me as my husband used to join the gang. After sufferring abuse from his brother n ma, now he has changed so much for better. I have been heavily into spiritual teachings so that a model detached life can be lived effortlessly always. Now I can see the dramas and meanness from a neutral point of view and I have accepted that she will never improve or change towards me. Spiritual way of life clearly explains that it is a very punishing for a person who is caged in these mean thoughts all the time. One can only feel pity for such a person. I have also realised during these times that if I don't give her any reaction and try to overlook the whole drama by giving her some hints as well, then the negativity rain and the insults slows too. I believe that having a happy and healthy family in law is like lottery, either you win it or loose it and live with it. It is also very rare, winning a lottery. Breaking a marriage on thinking that next time you may win it, seems very unpractical too. I have decided to live with it and I have listened some very horrible stories about mils of distinct caste and even continents. There is definitely some very mean human being behind that vicious personality. I have freed myself from such souls and feel a lot of happiness now. The article written is exact picture of my mil and pil seriously and I have tried getting rid of them by looking as a onlooker and not a person in the midst of the tsunami. A great help for a lot of females who cannot figure out what to do in these type of situations.

    • profile image

      5 weeks ago

      Gossip is my mother's in law damn i hate the woman so badly

    • profile image

      Melissa 

      6 weeks ago

      Wow! This is exactly how my monster in law acts! Since I have given birth she has not given me or my family time alone! She always has to be in charge and she is very controlling! In the being of my relationship with her son we were good friends. As soon as I said I do! Everything changed! I wish I could keep my son away from her. SHE IS NOT GOOD FOR HIM! SHE IS ALSO VERY SELF INVOLED!

    • profile image

      Kjs 

      6 weeks ago

      Thank you for this. Agree completely. It’s already been an extremely hard road for my marriage and raising my son but it’s post like this that remind me to stay strong!!!

    • profile image

      Tori 

      6 weeks ago

      This article is 100% my soon to be mother in law. She hates me for no reason except that she thinks I am taking her son away from her. I have only been kind, nice and respectful to her since the day that I met her and she has done nothing but treat me like complete crap. She only has two sons and is divorced and I swear she wants them to replace the role as her husband. She wants them to do everything for her- drive her places when she can clearly drive herself around. I do not go to her house anymore because she treats me as if I am non-existant- she wont even speak to me. If I ask her a question (even if other people are around) she will ignore me as if i'm not even there and change the subject- i cant help but just laugh to myself. She now has somewhat of a relationship with his brothers girlfriend and she does whatever she can do to rub that in my face. It is painful being around her- so I usually avoid her at all costs unless it is an event and there are a lot of people there so they can witness how rude and mean she is towards me.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      6 weeks ago from California

      I agree, Scott. It’s none of her business! And good job on the boundaries. That’s the only way to deal with an invasive in-law (besides having no contact at all, of course). Keep it up! Just keep it cordial ))

    • profile image

      Scott Palmer 

      6 weeks ago

      My mother in law is extremely invasive, she calls my fiance about 20 a day and constantly tells him what to do with his life. I have told her this and been relatively straight forward with her about her behaviour but I believe that she has some sort of mental defect because she will not listen to anything that I say. We have had to put limits on boundaries because she constantly wants to visit us and stay over at our house but I think that an hour visit will suffice. She constantly complains to us about money and being able to afford things because my fiance isn't the best financially but when I told her that I can pay for everything she misinterprets this as if I am demeaning him and questions whether or not I actually respect him. This severely angered me and I responded calling her a moron and she doesn't know anything and quite frankly that what goes on between me and her son is none of her business.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      6 weeks ago from California

      Shannon,

      I believe that you’re not exaggerating.

      And it doesn’t surprise me that when you called out your MIL on her victim behavior, she had a negative response to it. Victim mentality is a form of narcissism, and narcissism is such an insidious condition...

      It’s a tricky situation. On the one hand, you don’t want to feed her victimhood by listening, empathizing, pitying...on the other hand, if you point out her issues to her, she’s likely to reject it, blow up and/or demonize you.

      It’s a delicate balance. Acknowledge her feelings but don’t encourage them. Stand up for yourself (if she’s blaming you) but don’t take it personally.

      You’re dealing with an extremely fragile ego here. Her victim mentality is a cover for her feelings of inferiority, so don’t push her too far, it’s just gonna trigger her defenses. Realistically speaking, she won’t change, so keep that in mind and dont spend much time ruminating over her words and actions. Don’t let her pull you into her world.

      Good luck!

    • profile image

      Shannon 

      7 weeks ago

      My mother in law is the victim. No matter what it is, she has been wronged. I make a better meat loaf; She'll never be able to cook again. I sing a song she likes while cleaning; She now hates that song and it's all my fault. Tonight, I introduced her to Star Trek fan fiction, because I know she loves Star Trek and writes her own from time to time. She was so upset that she's not the ONLY person who writes that she's going to burn everything she's ever written. I wish I were exaggerating. It would make life so much easier if I was the on over reacting, but she got ANGRY at me for showing her a fan fiction website. It's insane, She's INSANE. This one had me so angry I finally called her out on her vitcimhood.. bad idea. I don't think this will ever change, and I'm going to be her bad guy forever. HELP!!

    • profile image

      Natalie 

      7 weeks ago

      How can I set boundaries if my MIl lives in our basement? She come up whenever she pleases.

      Once she was upset and actually asked to come up while also playing the victim and making us feel bad...

      I need her to move out ASAP.

      My husband doesn’t understand

    • profile image

      Arl 

      7 weeks ago

      i respect my mother in law but i don’t like her. In the beginning it was ok but later she tUrns out to be manipulative. She even told me she don’t want we will have a baby, can You imagine that??? When her husband died, my husband took over everything even to go the atm machine to withdraw money my husband and her sister do that for her, she is like a spoiled brat kid. The worst thing is we live in the same big house, i wanted to move but my husband dont want. Sometimes when we go out to go fitness and not coming home for dinner she is already murmoring why we always go out and not staying home. When i go alone and i want my husband pick me up even it’s already evening, then my mil arrived setting in front with my husband.. This woman really is truly a bitch!

    • profile image

      Armine 

      2 months ago

      what about if MIL jealousy leads her husband and son to act against the daughter in law ? MIL will go to the bed room of the couple while they are sleeping and her son wouldn't utter a single word , this happened for 5 years till they had a baby , after that the bed room door remained always open !

    • profile image

      mark alt 

      2 months ago

      Great article Lana. Since spiritual health and emotional health go hand-in-hand, this can really help people find freedom. Having worked through many of those issues as a couple, I can attest to what you wrote. Thank you!

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      2 months ago from California

      Jess,

      It’s up to you, of course, the types of relationships you can accept. From where I’m sitting, if you feel like the issues with your MIL don’t go that deep and can be resolved with better communication, you’re right to insist on something genuine.

      But if you’re dealing with a toxic MIL, a “fake” mutually courteous relationship is the best case scenario, in my opinion. It doesn’t mean that it has to be on her terms though! You standing up for yourself and creating a boundary let’s her know where you stand. So it may be fake on her part, but you can still be honest and true to yourself.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      2 months ago from California

      @hethazariya,

      I understand where you’re coming from and admire you for your patience. When you have a toxic MIL, you’ll often hear people say: go with the flow, don’t pay attention to her, laugh it off. But it’s not that easy.

      I find that a firm and polite approach works for me. Something like: I appreciate it but no thank you. Or: appreciate your input but we’re going in a different direction. Don’t ever give her a chance to attack you for being rude or ungrateful. But don’t be a doormat either, or she will trample all over you.

      Good luck! Hope it gets easier.

    • profile image

      hethazariya 

      2 months ago

      Not all but some on the list is my mil. She is generally nice and caring and known to be like that by people who knows her. But for me I find her also to be manipulative, insensitive and controlling. Especially when I had my baby. Don’t really have much choice living with her as my husband was transferred to her state last year, we had and still have financial issues and I was going to be on labor and to top it all my husband is currently having mental health issues so I have to be more patient with our current living situation. Yes I am thankful that she is helping us in a way to get through but sometimes I can’t help it, I get irritated (I always keep it to myself) when she tries to tell us what to do with our child. She thinks she knows everything. The fact is she never experienced having a child on her own coz she married at a later age and adopted her niece and nephews(they were alreadyat their teens when the adoption got approved). She claims she knows coz she took care of her younger siblings being one of the oldest in their family.

      One time my baby at about 3months was crying so hard and she insisted that we give water. When his ped told us not to, she even asked the ped beforehand about it and was told not to give water and yet she kept bugging us to give our baby water. As a first time mom I rely on doctors order and what experienced moms tell me so I did not follow her but she was so adamant that she argued with me and she made me cry. She always compares my baby with other babies. Especially when it came to breastfed babies that to her they are bigger and way healthier. It hurt me & made me cry a lot every time she says things like that(my baby was on supplemental feeding as I had very poor milk supply).

      Everytime she wants something done her way, she says something to manipulate me and my husband into following her. My husband always tell me to just go with the flow, to let her coz she has cancer but I had to tell him no, I just can’t let her get all she wants especially when it comes to our child. She doesnt up front use the “I am sick card” but everyone knows about it that it makes you feel guilty not to give in to her wants.

      Now that my baby turned 1 I can feel more things are going to be more difficult with her. I now struggle with her persistent persuasion to attend her church. I am the only one who isn’t a member of their church and I know for a fact that she is manipulating my husband to get our child in their church. I have apprehension coz I don’t believe in their beliefs and practices and the fact that she doesn’t and wouldn’t consider my feelings or opinion regarding the matter.

      Yes she may not be all that was described on the list but she is still a toxic mother in law for me. Sorry, I just wanted to share the situation with my mil coz it’s been making me feel irritated and depressed a lot. I just don’t know how long I can handle it :’(

    • profile image

      Anon92 

      2 months ago

      Hi Lana,

      Really needed this article right now! My MIL really is a bully and pushing away her son! I am finding myself loathing her more every day which is not something i want! I really appreciate what you said about not letting it poison me. I am a really happy, positive person, but recently ive just been filled with hate! I think my MIL has a secret problem with her sons sexuality and after 5 years of us being together the cracks are starting to show!

      After reading the article i finally feel like im not crazy as the world sees her as a lovely down to earth woman; but i see straight through her!

      Thanks for this article! Im going to start standing up for me and my boyfriend, and show her that the pecking order has changed!

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      2 months ago from California

      Annette,

      Sorry my comment was cut in half for some reason...

      In the second part I was telling you about a helpful technique that I used myself to let go of past hurts.

      It’s very simple - you write a letter to your MIL. Write as honest and as raw as you can. Don’t hold back! Tell her everything you wish you could have told her when she was around. Tell her how she made you feel. Tell her how she affected your life. Tell her what it taught you (if anything). Then finish with “I forgive you” (if you can).

      Hopefully it will help you release the pain )) Maybe not completely and immediately, but it will help, I promise. Peace ))

    • profile image

      ANNETTE BULLIVANT 

      2 months ago

      All 14 describe my Mother in law she has been deceased 6 years the pain keeps returning how can i remove it completely

    • profile image

      Otomita 

      2 months ago

      The thing is when we let go of the hurt we forget and let our guard down and then they hurt us again.

    • profile image

      Julia 

      2 months ago

      Everything on this list is my mother-in-law. I have also tried everything on the list of tips. Unfortunately it won't ever change things between us. The damage is done. She will always cross the line and I will always stand my ground. It is sad as I previously had an angel for a mother-in-law who treated me like her own daughter. Her loss.

    • profile image

      Jess 

      2 months ago

      Love your articles on mil issues all other articles are unrealistic basically expect us to deal with our mils like toddlers. My mil is very toxic. I.e she wanted to call a meeting to discuss my rudeness because I told her no for the first time in 10 years. I've learnt to understand her and then I don't take things so personally I have told her from now on if she wants a good relationship with me the balls in her court but I will not tolerate her tactics anymore. She went as far to let me know she only wants a fake relationship for the family's sake. I can't accept that because I find it hard to play fake. Am I wrong?

    • profile image

      Cara Ancevic 

      2 months ago

      Unfortunately, this list describes my mother. I have been getting better at detaching but all in all, it is simply very sad.

    • profile image

      ANNETTE BULLIVANT 

      2 months ago

      My Mother in law passed away 6 years ago for 38 years of my married life she made it very difficult she turn people against me my husband (her son) couldn't stand by me he was afraid of her now i still carry a lot of bad memories & pain just want it all to go away

    • profile image

      Anthony. 

      2 months ago

      Lana. Totally agree. Nobody, "absolutely nobody" especially MIL's should ever be allowed to get away with that. I recently had a female family member telling outright lies to my kids, I never even warned her, I just cut her out my life, and she knows why. I just know she won't even think of doing that again.

      I could have warned her first, but thought what's the point ? She already proved who she is by doing that.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      2 months ago from California

      Dear Disgruntled,

      I absolutely completely totally agree that MIL’s behavior was unacceptable. This deserves a serious conversation and a stern warning at the very least. She has to hear - loud and clear - that bashing the parents to their kids and suggesting they should move out as soon as possible is NOT ok and will not be tolerated. Any questions or concerns should be addressed directly with you, like you said. Seeing grandkids is a privilege, not a right. If something like that happens again, I would not hesitate cutting them off.

      Then, of course, you need to address it with the kids...and ideally, have grandma talk to the kids too...just letting them know that what grandma said wasn’t true. She made a mistake and she’s sorry. But will she do it? Not likely.

    • profile image

      Disgruntled 

      2 months ago

      We send my 3 stepdaughters to my MIL & FIL’s house for 3 weeks in the summer for the last few years as their bio mother is not in the picture. MIL has also for the past 2 years visited for a week at our home. We live pretty far from each other and they regularly turn down spending any type of holidays or special occasions with us, blaming my FIL’s health. They were not supportive when my husband divorced his first wife, both emotionally or financially but comment on it as if they were by his side the entire time, which has always bothered my husband, since he was a single dad, working full time, with no family assistance whatsoever but he lets that go and is the bigger person. Fast forward to us picking the kids up from this summer break and we found out that they have been telling the kids that we are alcoholics and they just need to bear it for a few more years until they can move out. We were completely shocked when our eldest told us what they had said about us. We drink, are social and unfortunately had 2 events at our house when MIL was staying with us so she seems to be basing her judgment off a 10 day period 7 months ago? We honestly haven’t even had a gathering at our house save for my husbands birthday party in January but since she is never around, she wouldn’t really know anything about our lives. We are very involved with our children and are present at everything they participate in and even coach their sports teams. We both work full time and have given us all a beautiful home and life so i’m not sure where she gets off slagging her son who is probably the best, most kind, funny, loving and energetic father anyone could hope to have. I could understand if she wanted to pick on me but for her to pick on my husband behind our backs to his children and then smile and make nice with us, having never brought her (unfounded) concerns to us personally, instead choosing to dump toxicity on our kids, is beyond me? I feel awful for my husband and would like some feedback on such an unusual situation and person...

    • profile image

      Angela 

      2 months ago

      Great article! My future monster in law perfectly fits the jar. I'm living with my boyfriend for like 2 years and half now, BUT not as a partner, but a BOARDER, I'm paying my rent here, if you ask me why I'm here? Well my boyfriend decided to stay here I don't know maybe he just wanted a setup like this. His mom is very "ugh" narcissist, she doesn't compliment me, she even wanted to compete with freakin problems! Like literally she wanted to show everyone that only her family suffers from problems, that's an irony though because she's very self-aggrandising, I can't even understand her, she's very arrogant and that really f*cking annoys me! My mom used to be strict but I know, my mom will not do this to my boyfriend because she's a very respectful woman. It really turned me off when my boyfriend's mom told her sister in law that she'll throw away my child (if i'll have one) that's really sad and she's been talking shit behind my back. Sigh, please help.

    • profile image

      Anonymous. 

      2 months ago

      Lana. If people have a toxic mother-in-law, this is a really good article to read.

      Just picking up on number 1 reason, "she is always right, without exception"

      She'll never admit being wrong and never apologize.

      You know, i would say that describes about 90-95% of the world population, but the interesting thing is, we always expect the other person to know better, the emphasis is always on the other knowing better, making an apology and taking the initiative. Out of around 200 countries worldwide, theres only a handfull or two which is actually free from conflicts and wars. I would say all that comes down to not knowing how to make apologies or being able to see our own faults.

      Paula who posted on one of you're articles may well boast about being a good "mother-in-law" and "grandmother" but on other peoples threads she says "l will not make an apology" because of the words she used, and how they effect others. "Tell you what" the day everyone starts to practice what they preach, that will be the day wars "Cease to exist"

      Also noticed, No matter who you listen to, what you read, what forums you visit, theres always big contradictions in what people say, if not in a logical sense, then our motives and behaviors contradict what we say in one way or another.

      Oh, i made one or two spelling mistakes, i wonder though, are we going to focus on what people say ? Or there spelling ? That will reveal something of our own character.

      "Carl Sagan" said "Human beings have a demonstrated talent for self-deception when their emotions are stirred" that is so true, the only issue is Carl made the same mistake himself in his book "Cosmos" he could not accsept that the fossil record during the cambrian period never supported evolution, and said, could not a competent god design the intended species ? On that basis he chose to reject the posibility of higher intelligence.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      3 months ago from California

      End of my rope,

      This is a difficult situation. I completely understand why you want no contact with her, especially when it comes to your child. It’s your right as a mother, as well as your husband’s.

      But now it seems that your husband is changing his tune and considering letting his mother in again.

      I would say that you both have to be ok with that decision. He can’t make it unilaterally when the child is involved. And if you do decide to give her another chance, it has to be on your terms. Come up with a set of rules and be super clear that if she breaks any of them, the contact will be terminated. And have your husband supervise the visits. Start slow. And remember that you don’t owe her anything. Grandparents are not entitled to time with their grandkids, especially when they disrespect the parents.

      You’re in control. You can agree initially to keep the peace in your family, but you reserve the right to say no the moment she oversteps her boundaries.

      Good luck!

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      3 months ago from California

      Soulsparked,

      It looks like you have a tough decision to make. And you’re the only one who can make that decision.

      I can tell you that even the most awful mother in law is tolerable when you have a supportive partner.

      I can also tell you that being in a relationship with a narcissistic person is no walk in the park. But you already know that.

      You already have your answer. You’re just afraid to admit it. Don’t be scared. You deserve everything you dream of.

      Good luck. I hope everything works out in your favor :)

    • profile image

      End of my rope 

      3 months ago

      I've posted here before and have actively followed the comments over time. This post strikes such a chord with me.

      Since my daughter was born almost six years ago, I have slowly cut all ties with my in-laws. My MIL's egregious acts (fake suicide attempts when she doesn't get her way, threatening to cut her son out of the will, smearing my name to extended family, blatantly crashing through our authority as parents, etc.) are unforgivable. Her issues have only gotten worse - attempting to manipulate her granddaughter against her parents - and I've had to put in place a no contact rule with our child.

      Two years have gone by, and she wants back in our lives. My husband just met with her to discuss ground rules. I have made it clear that I want absolutely nothing to do with her. I wish we could stay "no-contact" but my husband is adamant about keeping a relationship. (Honestly, I think it's because of an inheritance, but because he *actually* loves her.)

      Sadly, I don't have the confidence and trust that my husband is capable of upholding our family values when he is alone with her. He's coming home today - and I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop. After six years of dealing with this toxic/abusive dynamic, I'm ready to call it quits. This kind of stress just isn't worth my mental health, happiness and physical well-being.

      Any advice?

    • profile image

      Soulsparked 

      3 months ago

      (I should also include that while I do love my boyfriend/basically fiancé very much, he definitely displays narcissistic tendencies in our relationship because of how his mother has raised him. I am no walk in the park to be with all of the time, and I will be the first to admit my issues and flaws. but honestly I feel very strongly that a lot of my issues, especially with depression, have been majorly exacerbated by this situation and feeling very hopeless regarding the likelihood of moving past all of this into the life and I have dreamed of and planned for. It feels like I am giving up a huge dream just to be with him, and that’s hard to swallow. Especially when it feels like my child will be suffering the most.)

    • profile image

      Soulsparked 

      3 months ago

      I tried to ask a question but I’m not sure that it went through. I apologize if this is redundant! If my boyfriend’s mother is OBSESSED with him (her 40 year old manchild), still does his laundry, has voiced undue concern regarding his/our choice for him to support me financially while I renovate my house for rental income and get my real estate license (which is none of her business anyway), shows no interest in seeing/spending time w/ my precious toddler (who she practically begged to see when we first started dating a year ago), is MANIPULATIVE beyond all reason, & acts threatened/jealous by me eventually being a stepmother to his girls to whom she has been the primary caregiver when they are in town because of his work hours, am I nuts for staying in this situation or should I just hold out for a man whose family is actually excited or (gasp) happy about me & my daughter joining their family? It really hurts me, because I have always dreamed of a family-in-law who I can be close to, and who will treat my daughter with the love and enthusiasm she deserves and will sadly never receive from her biological father’s family. I have know my boyfriends mother for years, (even longer than I’ve known him, actually), she has been telling him all that time that she wants him to meet me, he and I were coworkers for 4 years, and during that time she told me repeatedly she wished he and I would get together. I am so confused and hurt, and I have grown to resent her and his weird relationship with her, and the whole family honestly. It’s just so odd and dysfunctional and no one seems to care. He idolizes his mother, and while he sees what I see to a certain point, he is extremely protective of her and it is just downright weird. He goes by their house at least once, usually twice a day (we live on the same street as they do...30 seconds away...) and his childhood room is still completely, perfectly intact as it was when he was a child. I honestly don’t know what to do about this situation.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      3 months ago from California

      Amy,

      You're certainly not the only one, and I can see that you have some strong feelings for your mother-in-law. Remember: physical violence is never an answer :)

      You've got to de-escalate. A war with your MIL is loosing battle, trust me. She will always come out a victim and a saint. You've got to either 1. keep your cool or 2. stay the hell away from her, or the combination of both.

      Peace,

      Lana

    • profile image

      Rosalie 

      3 months ago

      Mine ticks all the above boxes and caused so much anxiety and confusion. She constantly pitted people and family against each other. However, if she needed to confide in someone, it was always me! So I always knew how she felt about things-but then she made up stories about me. Later in life, nobody knew why she wouldn't give up work and she was upset by the constant pressure to stay at home. She was very upset when she confided in me and told me that she always heard voices and the noise at the factory she worked at drowned out the voices but she was scared that she would go crazy with the voices at home. She also admitted that the voices told her things and she didn't know what was true or not. So that explained a lot. I told my ex-husband and brother in law but they just shrugged. It was always easier to let her have her way. Families often do not know how to handle things and someone always suffers. I can also see traces of her in my ex as life was very confusing with him- he put on a show but was a completely different person in private.

    • profile image

      Amy 

      3 months ago

      Hello, I hate to say how happy I am, I am not the only one. I’ve been with my husband 13 years, married for almost 5, and have three children between the ages of 9 and 4 months. I got along with her the first year of dating, but when she realized I was sticking around she began a campaign, which includes all of my husbands family (minus his father) to smear my name. They take everything I say out of context and try to start fights with my husband and I. He used to believe everything that she told him ( it was an extremely manipulative environment for him growing up) but now he’s mostly past it. Recently we had to stay with them while we renovated our house in the winter, and she picked a fight while I was 7 months pregnant with my husband and we moved back to our home at 11pm with our two kids, with no heat in the dead of winter. He felt bad and returned to her and remained firmly up her asd for the remainder of my pregnancy. He was allowed at her home but the Children were not, nor I. As soon as we moved out she moved her much younger and recently single coworker into her home. I kept telling my husband that she was trying to split us up. And it caused horrible problems with us. I considered divorcing him, he wasn’t supportive and didn’t help me, he was always rushing to his mothers aid and her new tenant. Well, this continues and finally she does some unrelated things that angers him, he stops visiting ( it’s only been a couple of weeks), he tellls me that about a month ago she kept trying to tell him to hook up with her tenant. Your wife doesn’t treat you well, you deserve better, we can find you someone else who will appreciate you. So, while we were having fights about him going over and helping them rather than spend time with his wife and kids, and me being super bitchy, and almost divorcing him. I’m right. I try not to get mad at him, but I explain that I was a fraction away from leaving, because he refused to see what was happening. And now he recognizes that I wasn’t in the wrong and sees why I sort of went crazy (I did, I made him account for every second of the day) because I didn’t want him near there. Problem is, he doesn’t want to start a war, and I’m ready to beat her for trying to mess with my family. Legitimately, want to punch her in the face. So, I guess my question is, what would you guys do?

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      3 months ago from California

      Niki,

      I don't know if this is the only fight you've had so far or if this happens a lot, so it's difficult to give advice.

      But it seems to me that the real issue here is that you're simply not comfortable with your MIL being with your son all day and you'd rather he was at daycare.

      From what I understand, your MIL is living with you temporarily. In a few months she will go home. When she goes, you can put your son in daycare like you wanted. But in the meantime, try to get along with her since your husband isn't kin on the idea of sending her back or telling her that she can't watch her grandson anymore. Good luck!

    • profile image

      Niki 

      3 months ago

      I have my MiL staying with us. It has been 2.5 months since she came home and be staying for 2.5 months more. My husband and I work 9-5 jobs. My husband flew her down from our home country so she could take care of our son who is now 1 year old. I wanted to send him to a nursery, but as MiL is alone back home, husband thought she will enjoy the time with her grandson.

      Last night she made a big fuss about us not cooking for her as she was very tired and hungry. We had loads of fruits and bread at home, but she said she wanted a cooked dinner.

      My husband was tired and stressed out after his long commute and I came home a bit early but was feeding the baby for longer than usual as he wanted to nurse. She shouted on top of her voice saying we are not respecting her and that we must have cooked for her instead of resting up after work. It is very frustrating. My son was frightened and started to cry and all our neighbours could hear her screaming.

      I told her that we get tired at work and need some rest and that I was feeding the baby. My husband tried to convey about his stressful long commute and how tired I get when nursing the baby. She never listened and wanted us to feel bad. She even blamed by hubby for speaking in my favour.

      I'm now suggesting that we will send our son to nursery. This means she can concentrate on her own health and cook food for her, but hubby isn't agreeing to this idea. He doesn't want to send her back home either as he thinks these options might make his mom feel bad. I'm clueless. Please advise

    • profile image

      Motherinlawabully 

      3 months ago

      It makes me very sad to read all these comments about mother-in-laws bullying (yes, it is bullying) their daughter-in-laws. We all had that dream of meeting Mr. Perfect, the man of our dreams, to have a beautiful wedding, happy children raised to feel they are always our number one priority, so we can look back one day filled with loving memories of raising a family. We are told to believe our children are our future and childrens well being should always be a priority in society. I would therefore like to know why it is allowed for so many mother-in-laws to BULLY the mothers of our children, to ruin their dreams of raising a family and loving a man? To put stress on entire families? Having a happy mother and father is crucial to a child's upbringing. Why is it that we in 2018 allow mental abuse of women (and men, it happens to men too) when it's not allowed at the work place or in our schools? I'm not assuming anyone being bullied by their in-laws are bad parents, quite the opposite, you are heroes! But a child knows when its parents are truly happy and that makes everybody happier (except the monsters-in-law, that is). I had a very toxic mother-in-law and I told her after her telling my boyfriend "You don't abandon your family" (talking about her and the other family members of his family) when our child was a few months old that her time is over being the number one priority in my boyfriend's life and now our child is the number one priority. She had the whole family yell at me after making a few phone calls and then said they are not seeing me or their son until I apologize. I did apologize and then tried for a few years after, having a relationship with her, but she brought me down to the point where I thought everybody would have better lives without me, including my son. Yes, she actually made me believe I was a monster that was hurting my family. After a year of therapy I realized my boyfriend (we never married because of her) was lucky to have me in his life. Me realizing that, made him realize the same, and he decided to work on keeping us as a family, instead of pleasing her. I did tell him I don't want to be with him if that includes her bullying me. We took a nine month break that I felt was necessary so he could get some time to think about what's important in his life now when he has a newborn. This so he could think about it without two parties pulling at him at the same time. He did some serious thinking and realized his son and I are his family and his mother can make him lose having us as a family. He then made it clear to her. He is less stressed now and she knows she needs to treat him with respect. She doesn't, but at least she knows it's not ok to treat him bad, which is a huge difference from before when it was accepted by the entire family to treat him poorly, it was the norm. I stay as far away as possible because I can't afford to be depressed again which would mean it would affect my son. He only gets one childhood and no one , NO ONE, especially not his own grandmother who is supposed to love him and put his needs first, are going to take any more happiness away from his childhood, because yes, I do need to feel good about myself in order for my son to feel good about himself. She is still using guilt and manipulation on my boyfriend but him seeing it helps a little. We live far away from her since I was advised to do so by a therapist in order to raise my child without their abuse being a part of his life. To make a long story short (a little too late for that I guess) I took my right as a mother to give my child a happy childhood. I always left our door open in case my mother-in-law wanted to come and be a part of our family after years of bullying. She never came. So there was my answer. She never cared that much to begin with. No one from his family has visited.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      3 months ago from California

      Catherine,

      Many marriages fall apart because of toxic MILs. Don’t let that be you!

      Try not to let it be an issue between you and your husband. Especially don’t make him choose a side.

      I know it takes ANGELIC patience to deal with a controlling MIL, but it won’t be like this forever. Things will get better. Maybe at some point you won’t see her as much as now ( every day IS a lot).

      Good luck! And keep MIL out of your thoughts (and out of your mouth) as much as possible, unless there’s a serious issue and you need your husband to back you up.

    • profile image

      Catherineholmesy 

      3 months ago

      I can relate to all of these..I don't understand why MILs need to be this way when they have been daughter in laws themselves surely, they feel what we're feeling when they act the way they do. My MIL has controlling issues and has been trying to control me and my husband from day one of our wedding preparation until now that we are 3 years married. Before we got married and by the time my MIL started controlling everything I taught to myself if there is one reason I am going to leave my husband that would be my MIL. My husband has been very kind but he sometimes takes his mother's side because my MIL would tell her kids that she is sick or having heart problems. We don't live with her but she goes to our house everyday which makes my life hard.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      3 months ago from California

      SYK,

      You deserve to be married to someone who loves, accepts and respects you. We all do. If your husband fails to see any good in you because of what his mother whispers to him, maybe he’s not the best man for the job. I’m sorry to be blunt but that’s what I think.

      I hope the situation resolved in the best possible way for all involved. Peace

    • profile image

      SYK 

      3 months ago

      My mother-in-law is a total fit to all the points mentioned above. She has a history of destroying her childrens marriage by creating conflicts. My husbands brother had a love marriage and my mil created rifts between my SIL and Bil and eventually inspite of them being in love they were divorced. My MIL dosent even want grand children so am not suprised to know that my SIL had a miscarriage. My MIL practices black magic. Now its my turn is what I will say. She has been filling my husbands head with all possible negative things about me.We had an arranged marriage and I was living with my MIL but away from my husband due to visa processing. Right from day one of my marraige my MIL has been creating a picture to my husband that I am a good for nothing. She has made up stories of my family creating scenes at her home. She has also filled his head that I am not good looking neither do I know to cook. She has been a total control freak when I was living with her. I was not allowed to wear clothes of my choice. She would decide on the earings i wear. She had clearly ordered me not to have a baby once I start living with my husband and that I should look for work.The plight is my husband blindly believes everything she says and once we started living together I proved to him how big a liar his mother was but he sees no good in me. I can sense the hatred he feels for me when there is no fault of mine. My MIL has never earned a dime in her life but is a gold digger. Wants all my jewellery and any assets I own. She has spread lies and horrible humiliating stories about me in her circle.I can relate to every word in this article. Only god knows what will happen but right now my marriage seems to going the same way my BIL's did.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      3 months ago from California

      Kathleen,

      I totally agree with you! Even though we can't win with a narcissist, this is valuable education that I wouldn't trade for anything. Great job at reframing your experience and learning your lessons!

    • profile image

      Katheen Morley 

      3 months ago

      Every single one of those signs fit my MIL perfectly. She's a raging narcissist who is miserable with herself and determined to make me the scapegoat for her misery. She will never like or accept me, and the feeling is mutual. If I never saw her again, it would be too soon. If she was my mother, acting like she does, I will tell her to go on and not to let the door hit her ass on the way out. But she's not, so unfortunately, I still occasionally have to visit. When I'm around her, I try to keep as quiet as possible - I found out a long time ago that she will take anything and everything I say and use it against me, no matter how insignificant the comment. I also find any excuse possible to get away from her as soon as I can. My advice to anyone dealing with narcissistic mother in laws - if you can't go completely no contact, then stay away from them as much as possible. Nothing good comes out of having a relationship with a narcissist. Actually, I take that back. The one good thing that has come out of this is that I can spot a narcissist from miles away and I know to run the other way as quickly as possible.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      4 months ago from California

      Geeves,

      that's a very accurate and inspired portrait of a narcissist. I can just see your mother-in-law. And you're right, she's not all bad or evil but she does have some severe emotional deficits. She sounds very much like my MIL who I've come to accept over the years as "not all bad" and learned to keep her at a distance as much as possible. I've just realized that there's never going to be a normal or close relationship with her - and then it became much less of a problem.

    • profile image

      Geeves 

      4 months ago

      I am pretty sure my MIL is a textbook narcissist. I don't think she's a horrible person, or all bad, but she definitely has issues that caused huge headaches in my marriage for the first few years. She had a very traumatic life that I believe stunted her growth. The signs are grand to subtle: She can't feel empathy for others. She talks at you, but doesn't want to listen to you. She's easily hurt and never says she's sorry when she's clearly wrong (I have never heard her utter those words). She has no boundaries and is deeply wounded when you shore them up. She cannot stand to be in her own company, alone. She's externally focused -- she doesn't see that the origin of her negative feelings are coming from within -- she assumes it's something outside herself that's causing it (you). She walked out of therapy because the therapist wanted her to accept that she played a role in her fractured relationships. She has a golden child, my husband, and has pictures of him all over her house -- but not the other siblings. Most telling is this: when I asked her what kind of little boy my husband was growing up, I was expecting "smart" or "funny" or "imaginative"... instead she said "he was always so nice and loving to me."

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      4 months ago from California

      Kathy,

      I know how hard it is to stand up to a toxic person (who, in your case, is actually mentally ill). I find that there is a very thin line between toxicity and mental illness so in the end, you're still dealing with someone with severe emotional deficits.

      Either way, good job on standing up to her! Mental illness or not.

    • profile image

      Kathy 

      4 months ago

      I, too, have a very toxic mother in-law who smeared my name throughout town and chipped away at my self esteem. Come to find out she is mentally ill. My father in-law moved themselves out of state and have stood up for me many times. I just tired of it and put my foot down with my husband and told him that I want nothing to do with his family except for a few members who knew what I was going through since she destroyed my one bother and sister in-law's marriages years earlier. I just keep going and keep my distance. I finally stood up for myself and wrote her a mean note saying she needs to stay away from me and thankfully my godson and his family are overseas whom I raised and kept him and his family away from them since they may start in on him. I don't mind if my husband sees them when they are out but they are to steer clear of my home and my family due to the fact that they are mean and cruel. I understand where everything is coming from and since after 20 years of trying to be kind and etc. enough is enough.

    • profile image

      4 months ago

      Very well said.. I suffered from all of these situations. It was too depressing. I can't even tell you how much i was mentally disturb..and my husband thinks that she is very innocent,calm and sweet lady. He never take my side.. Even he talks wrong about me to make her happy.. I am trying to move on. Otherwise it will destroy my life

    • profile image

      Ahmet Hakan 

      4 months ago

      Dear Amy Lynn,

      Thanks for your kind support. I really tried my best. My son is really full of love and always hugging me. But you were right, there is God. Somehow we are not alone. God is sending us help, he loves us. I found a place where I can feel well. I will move to this region. I will have less income. Maybe I wll just survive. But ı believe I will be happier. I will pray God to give me a chance to get my family back... There is always a hope...

      Dear Lana,

      I found a job. The salary is very low, and they will give me a room which is 2,5 square meters. But who cares? I feel better. I liked the job and the place. In fact, they are my very old friends... Like a family... I am also grateful for your support...

    • profile image

      Anonymous 

      4 months ago

      Thanks Lana !

      I will definitely ignore her from now on.. more power to you girl.. Thanks for the advice..

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      4 months ago from California

      Anonymous,

      I’m familiar with what you’re talking about. It’s hurtful, manipulative, passive aggressive behavior that some parents-in-law (or parents, or grandparents!) exhibit. This is a “safe” way to criticize someone without saying one bad word about them. Neat, huh?

      I also think it might be cultural. Like it’s customary for mothers-in-law to denigrate their daughters-in-law, because that’s what their mother-in-law did to them.

      Either way, ignore her. Or do what I do - joke about it.

    • profile image

      Anonymous 

      4 months ago

      My monster in law, appears sweet to Me and tells me she is my mother but she constantly brags and praises about how good his elder sons wife(my husband's bhabhi) is,for example she works all day, does cooking and all in front of my husband she keeps praising and is rhetoric about her,she feeds my husband that how useless I am,my husband always yells at Me and gets angry on me ,he is always negative about me.. eventhough I take care of him and has never spoken a word to hurt his family ever ,I respect him and his family but my monster in law I don't understand what she wants..

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      4 months ago from California

      Thank you Been There,

      That’s solid advice, and I can relate to everything you’re saying.

    • profile image

      Been There 

      4 months ago

      I feel your pain. I hope your husband is supportive...mine wasn't/isn't. The good news is she revealed herself. Now you know she won't respect anything you ask her to do. The solution is simple. Please, please, please listen to me. 1.Stop telling her ANYTHING you don't want brodcast to the world. 2. STOP caring about the opinion of someone who will NEVER care about you. I'm 29 years into my marriage. I spent the 1st 15 being ripped apart by exactly what you are going through now. It damaged my health and my marriage. We are still commited to one another and we love each other, but there are some areas that will never be healed. Remember, you will be the Mother of her Grandchild...you will control access. So if your husband is supportive that is half the battle. And please stop allowing her to spoil this precious time of closeness with your husband...the more relaxed you are the better for you and your baby. Focus on what is now YOUR family! Good Luck!

    • profile image

      ajm1996 

      4 months ago

      I feel like I have no one to talk to about my Monster in law. His mom has always hated me and made it clear from day one. Over the years she’s kept in contact with ex girlfriends trying to get them back together. She expressed her hatred for me many times and has even turned some family members against me. She’s done many more hurtful things but the latest has got me angry, sad, and bitter towards her. We decided to tell the family we wanted to start trying for a baby (my biggest regret now). We have everything set up for it and we own our own home and both work stable jobs. Now after seven months of trying we still aren’t pregnant. We told everyone including my monster in law no baby stuff goes on social media. Not one little bit. Last night I scroll and see she posted an entire paragraph about our fertility problems and how we’ve been trying for 7 months. I was in shock. I begged her to take it down and she argued with me for 2 hours justifying why she should be able to post it. I honestly hate her and now I’m feeling confused on what to do. I don’t want to end a six year relationship over this but she is a lot of baggage. We have both spoken to her before about different hurtful things she’s done and we’ve gotten no where. I would really like neither of us to talk to her again but I know that isn’t right. What should I do?

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      4 months ago from California

      Linhere00,

      I've seen this before. Mom in law is cool with a girlfriend, but once her son marries the girl, all the sudden the claws come out.

      You got engaged recently and it's something that can trigger a bit of anxiety in your fiance's mother. She may be acting out her fear of losing him by trying to undermine your relationship. On top of it, she's living with you at the moment, and that can rattle even the most balanced person.

      Give it time. Like you said, she'll leave soon and everything will get back to normal. Good luck and congrats on your engagement!

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      4 months ago from California

      Dear Ahmet,

      Congrats on moving out! This is the right thing to do. And good luck in your job search. You can do it! I believe in you.

      And keep your chin up. Don't let negative people get you down.

    • profile image

      Ahmet Hakan 

      4 months ago

      Dear Lana,

      I also decided to move out to my own place. But I lost my job. Luckily I have some job offers from different cities. This weekend I will travel to talk to them. But I am really about to see the bottom of the pit, and I will if I get no results. My mom, my own mom, making every annoying gesture and speech to take my confidence away. I cannot take it anymore...... I wish my former wife also can notice that my mom acted like a mother to her, a friendly mother which she misses, which she never had. We both deserved better things, but life is never fair...

    • profile image

      linhere00 

      4 months ago

      WOW! I feel forced to write in here if not I am going to loose my mind. I have been with my Now fiance for 10 years and his mom and I have been super close. He proposed in Nov of 2017 and we finally bought a home. She came in from out of state to "help us".. and crap..she has become the most deceiving Bi**h ever! She has cause my fiance and I to have our biggest argument yet!

      I keep telling myself .. "she's going home soon".. but damn..where did this come from??? We went from "best friends" to not even speaking.. and the worst thing is.. she won't say anything to me or about me to me.. .she waits till I go to work and then she will say things to my fiance.. who is now saying she is simply "concerned" about our relationship. After 10 year she is concerned???

      I have NEVER commented or written in anything like this before.. and now I feel like have to.. cause I am not sure who to vent to or even talk to about this...

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      4 months ago from California

      Hi Mel,

      congratulations! This is exciting and a right step forward! Set the tone from the beginning and don't sweat the small stuff :) I wish you love, happiness and peace in your upcoming marriage, and in life!

    • profile image

      Mel Douglas 

      4 months ago

      Hi Lana thanks for the advice. I just moved out to my own place and fiance followed me. We are getting married the 30th of June in the church office with only his sister and her husband as witnesses. luckily i have not receive any news on how MIL feels about the marraige but really i dont even care. Im just happy Im free of her for now and really hope that in future things would look different. i love my man and seriously I am prepared to fight that lady if she starts to interfere in our lives.

    • profile image

      cocoamusse 

      4 months ago

      I'm totally agreed with the author!

      Still, I can not control my temptation from time to time which makes my hubby feels really sad.

      I can say that the only quarrel in my family is about MIL.

    • profile image

      N. 

      4 months ago

      My Mother in Law is a lot of these things and I think would be all of these things if I lived by here. I am working on myself though and going to therapy learning to speak up for myself and not feeling guilty. I just can't take it anymore. I am tired of her this is what's happening attitude without even asking. I'm done. I'm having my second kid and this behavior is over. She can either start respecting me or she's out of my life and DH can handle her. If it's up to him, she'll never get anywhere because he just ignores her texts and calls. So good luck with that MIL.

    • profile image

      J. 

      4 months ago

      I got 10 out of 10. I don’t have any family. My husbands family is all I’ve got. It makes it difficult and frustrating. I don’t ever feel like I can talk to anyone about it. Hubby sees how rude she is to me and has even said something about it. Nothing has changed and I don’t want to make hubby feel bad or caught in the middle, so I don’t say anything.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      5 months ago from California

      nimz83,

      it's your decision to make. Whatever you think is best for your family is what you should do.

      But from where I'm sitting, yes, it's a very fine decision :) Distance is going to improve your life, and most likely, the relationship with your MIL is going to improve as well. I hope that works out!

    • profile image

      nimz83 

      5 months ago

      OMG just the article I needed, made me feel sooooo much better....although I have been trying to ignore her and keep myself busy but she keeps interfering by coming in my room or commenting harshly whenever I go out or have fun with kids.....I am planning to separate our houses we have lived together for 10 years hatred is only growing and I don't want my kids to be influenced by all the negativity around....I hope thats a fine decision?

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      5 months ago from California

      Mel,

      I don’t think your fiancé is ignorant or blind. He just doesn’t want to be involved. It’s a no-win situation for him: either go against the woman who raised him or the woman he loves.

      It seems like the worst thing she’s done so far is complain about you to her friends. Try not to pay too much attention to that sort of thing.

      Good luck to you!

    • profile image

      Nicole 

      5 months ago

      Wow, mine is 10 out of 10!

    • profile image

      MEL DOUGLAS 

      5 months ago

      hi, i am not even married yet, still engaged living in with my fiancee and his mother. Me and him is standing for everything from food to her ciggies. She never has conversation with me, but always have when she complains about him. No matter how hard i try, she always create bad stories about me and shes got a gossip campaign with her so called friends against me. This same so called friends then come to my place of employment to inform me of her gossip. She appreciates nothing and always freak out for the smallest things. She pretends to be kind whenever my fiancee is around, offering me tea and serving me food even when i refuse.

      I inform my fiancee about his moms behavior but he never takes any action. Most of the time i feel like kicking her ass and take my engagement ring of, take my bags and take a hike. I just wonder if my fiancee is just ignorant or blind for all this horrible things his mom is doing. She even used my money my fiancee gave me on Sunday as gift for Mothers Day.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      5 months ago from California

      Amy,

      I agree. Narcissistic mothers-in-law are loathsome creatures. Best to stay away, even if they're "nice" to you.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      5 months ago from California

      Natali,

      that's no way to start a marriage! You're giving this woman waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much power over you. I'm sure she is as bad as you say but come on! Crying yourself to sleep? After one month of being married?

      I know this feels overwhelming and scary but trust me, it will get better with time. Maybe your MIL will take a liking to you eventually (it does happen), or you change your attitude towards her. Worst case scenario, you'll get divorced. But don't give up so quickly! Fight for yourself and for your marriage.

      And if you're so unsure about the future, maybe don't rush into having children.

      Hope it gets better!

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      5 months ago from California

      momo1025,

      so sorry about your divorce. Sounds like it's still fresh. I know you're still in pain. But (eventually) you have to let it go. Will he see the truth? Won't he? It doesn't matter. He obviously didn't see it when you were married. And he lost you. No need crying over that guy.

      And I would caution you against putting ALL the fault for the failed marriage on your ex-MIL. When you blame other people for what happened in your life, you end up feeling like a victim, and that's a whole other type of toxicity. Trust me, you don't want that. So take the responsibility for yourself, and admit that your ex-husband had something to do with it, too.

      I hope you'll feel better and stronger soon. Good luck!

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      5 months ago from California

      Sjjnf,

      You know, one year olds are very self-involved creatures. They only show glimpses of their love, and only to the people closest to them. And I don't think they have a capacity for hate at this stage :)

      Is it possible that your son doesn't see you enough? Try spending more time with him, especially quality time: play with him, take him to the park, to the zoo...

      I would also suggest - when you are taking your son back from your in-laws, don't just pull him away while he's screaming bloody murder. Try distracting him with something. Bring a toy he's never seen or attract his attention some other way. With time you'll create a positive association (instead of a negative one that he has now) and he won't be throwing tantrums anymore. The transition has to be gentle but quick, so the baby doesn't have the time to get upset.

      Hope this helps. Good luck!

    • profile image

      Sjjnf 

      5 months ago

      Im having many issues not with my mother in law but with the whole family. All of the above applies to all of them. But what bothers mr the most is how they take my son from me and when they try to give him back he screams and cries, fusses and throws a huge fit. Arches his back, throws his head back, kicks his legs, throws his arms around. Hes going to be a year old this month. I feel like he doesnt even love me. Like my own son hates me. I dont know what to do. Please help.

    • profile image

      momo1025 

      5 months ago

      Reading this article confirms that my EX MIL was/is a toxic women!

      She is the reason we are now divorced.

      I love him so much.

      My heart aches for him.

      Will he ever see the truth?

    • profile image

      Natali 

      5 months ago

      Just got married, literally a month ago, and I already feel that the failure of my marriage is going to be my mother in law. The worst part is that I just started seeing what an evil being she is about a few months before the wedding. I cry myself to sleep every night in fear of our future and I fear to death what could happen if I ever have children.

      I hope things get better, and reading that other women are going through similar situations calms me a little bit.

    • profile image

      Amy 

      5 months ago

      This is so my life too! Awful mother in law but my family is supportive. I know my mother in law will never accept or like me. She is saccharine sweet to my face and lies about me to everyone. Never, ever and I mean never trust a narcissist mother in law. Even when being nice. It is fake. Just stay away as much as possible.

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      Doris James-MizBejabbers 

      5 months ago from Beautiful South

      Lana, do you mind if I say something to Melissa? Here goes: I know that after the glowing comment I made on my wonderful MIL, people probably don't think I'm qualified to say anything, but believe me, I am. If you read my hub on Mother's Day, you'll get a small taste of what I put up with for 10 years. I couldn't leave the jerk of a husband because of constant debilitating migraines, I didn't think I could support my kids. However, when I was forced to have to, I came across quite adequately. My MIL helped me to get away from her son. She loaned me her car and helped with the kids until I got on my feet. I wish I could say that the migraines went away, but they didn't. At least I didn't have to deal with his ridicule while I was in excruciating pain.

      Here's the thing. If your old battle ax of a MIL died today, you are probably at the point where you can never forgive your husband. I know because I was there. He would find some way to blame you for not being "kind" enough for her, so it is your fault that she died. I recommend that you get a strong support system, start by confiding in your family and friends. Even if you haven't, they know more than you think they do. Then get a good counselor who doesn't side with your husband. First go by yourself because if you try to counsel together, he will do all the talking. There is help for people of domestic abuse today, and that is exactly what you are going through. DOMESTIC EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Then take your kids and get out. It won't get any better as long as you stay! Once you are out, don't let him talk you into coming back because he will not change and neither will you as long as you stay with him. I know, been there, done all that.

      Today I just retired from a very successful career, own three houses, two paid for, and have more money in the bank than I ever dreamed I would have. When our son died nearly two years ago he claimed he was too broke to send me any money for the burial. That's OK because I have plenty and can laugh at him in his miserable second marriage now. Get Out Now!

    • profile image

      Melissa 

      5 months ago

      Just a note to say thank you!! Last night when I posted, I was at a mental and emotional low. I’ve never put it out into the universe. It helped as do your words. Thank you for taking the time to read thru my madness :) I agree, I get upset with myself when I allow her actions and the past to ruin even a second of my day. I know it’s a choice. I work at it daily and I certainly look forward to the day I allow myself to release it all. Wishing everyone who finds their way here peace, strength and love. And thank you again for what you do.

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      5 months ago from California

      Melissa,

      Phew...that was quite a comment! Took me a couple days to read it. Just kidding )

      I can tell that you don’t get much validation from your husband because you used every possible example to plead your case. I believe you! It’s obvious that your husband and his mother have a co-dependent relationship and your MIL is just not willing to share him with anybody. She has to be #1 person in her son’s life, and he’s encouraging this behavior for fear of upsetting or angering his mother. Sorry to put it bluntly, but he’s acting like a little boy. He doesn’t stand up for you because he doesn’t think there is a problem. And after 15 years of marriage and 3 kids I don’t think it will change. So the question is: are you willing to put up with this for the rest of your life?

      As for your question...are you wrong to feel the way you do? NO. Of course not. You’re entitled to feel whatever you feel and expect the person closest to you to back you up. However, I will say this: you’ve got to learn to let go. If you’re still ruminating about something that happened over 10 years ago, its an issue on your end. Feel all your feelings FULLY, express them completely - talk, cry, write in a journal, whatever works for you - then let them go. The longer you hold on to hurt feelings, the more powerless you feel. And powerlessness is the most defeating, demoralizing, crippling feeling that becomes a mind trap. The best way to empower yourself is to stop blaming your MIL for all the ways she’d wronged you. Because it doesn’t hurt her; it hurts you.

      Make a decision to let go, and I promise you, your life will change.

      Peace :)

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      5 months ago from California

      Treenity,

      I’m not sure what I can help you with :) You seem to have made up your mind. Cutting off all your in-laws (including your husband) is rather extreme if you ask me, but if you feel like this is what’s best for you, it’s your decision. Just make sure it is what you really want and you’re not acting out of temporary anger and frustration.

      Peace

    • profile image

      Melissa 

      5 months ago

      I'm desperate at this point....to the extent where I went out of my way to google articles and read and read and read to see if I can find a way to move forward with the hurt caused by my husband allowing his mother to constantly disrespect me and justify all of her actions. I don't even know if it's me being unreasonable or her anymore. Married 15 years now to a man that is an only child. We have 3 sons of our own. This is something he hangs over my head regularly when issues arise with MIL...he reminds me that I will be a MIL one day so therefore I should just deal so karma won't kick me in the rear later in life. As much as I get that, I don't see what is happening in my situation as normal personality differences. When we first married, MIL would call 3 times a day/7 days a week wanting asking her son every last detail of what transpired throughout his day down to what he ate, where he ate it and if he liked it. Among other things at the time that I never thought twice about, when we went on family vacations with MIL and FIL my family was never invited or included. However, whenever we went on vacay with mine, they were ALWAYS invited and included. My family was never invited to events with their extended family yet MIL and FIL attended every function on my side. Fast forward to my first pregnancy, I was extremely sick throughout and carrying twins.We owned our business (still do) and were financially independent so I had the flexibility to take time when I needed it. She would make it a point to remind me that all women dealt with morning sickness and had to work. She even gave me the example of a pregnant co-worker she would run into in the bathroom who would throw up and go right back to work. Petty to the point that my husband commented to her that he wanted to gift me a designer diaper bag so she ran out and bought me one from an outlet store and told her son that she wanted me to use the one she gifted. Husband thought it was a nice gesture. Twins ended up being born premature and stayed in NICU for 2 months, coming home on meds, apnea and heart monitors and requiring weekly visits with Pedi and Specialists so we decided I would stay home to care for them instead of hiring someone else to do so. At that point she would call me at home and "encourage" me to look for work outside of our business since we had babies and a second income wouldn't hurt. Also, my husband guilted me to be "fair" so whatever my mother was invited to participate in with the babies, MIL was also invited. She then decided that every Saturday between the hours of 12-4 not a minute before or after was convenient to her schedule and that was designated visit day. Kids are 10 now, I still have her in my home every Saturday and have to work my schedule around it. Again husband supports this. Even when I explain to him that our week days are hectic and I am not always up for her visit. Sometimes I don't want to vacuum and have the house "showroom" ready. Yet I do it, because when she visits she somehow finds her way into every room in our house including our bedroom "to say hello to our dog". I know she is inspecting our house to have her AHA moment because I fired the housekeep we shared. Years prior, she arranged with my husband for her housekeeper to help at our house on her days off from hers. Little did I know the days she would help at my house were also the days my MIL would call her to get the report on what had transpired at our house. I figured this out when she called my husband asking about my sons cough that we hadn't told her about. I asked the housekeeper who told me, "Yes she calls me every time I leave your house". Guilted us into keeping housekeep for years because she was aging, needed the money on her days off and who else was going to hire her at her age. Finally succeeded in amicably separating from that situation and that is the fuel to my fire in making sure nothing is out of place when she visits. Fast forward 10 years and her beloved only child became very ill. My husband came very close to death, spent 2 years in and out of hospital 20+ days at a time and has had multiple life saving surgeries. By this point, we now had 3 kids who my family took care of so I could take care of my husband. I slept in a chair every single night of every single hospital visit spending 20 hours of the day by his side only leaving to shower and visit my kids every day and tell them everything would be

      ok. She would visit, feign headaches or want to make sure she headed out before traffic because Lord forbid she wasn't home by 5pm for cocktail hour. When he was at his sickest, and we were waiting to here if he had made it thru surgery my family and I sat in the waiting room some us needing a bathroom break, food, water, etc but our rear ends remained glued to those chairs to make sure we were present in case the Dr came out to speak with us while she spent her time outside smoking. Never once did she spend a night not even that night when the Dr said he may not make it. My mother did because she knew my world was falling apart and she wanted to make sure someone was there to support me. When her precious son was releases from the hospital she called to let him know she cracked a special bottle of wine during dinner to celebrate. Note: we have not been invited to her home for dinner to date. About a year after that night, we had a chance to go on vacation not knowing at the time that he would suffer a slew of complications and end up sick again. Her birthday falls on a holiday, restaurants are closed on said holiday. I bought decorations, gathered all of my family in the middle of this vacation and reserved a private area at a restaurant on the night before her birthday. She spoke to NO-1, made dinner awkward and miserable as she reminded everyone that it was not her birthday on that day. I would have thought she would have been happy to celebrate her son being alive and having the opportunity to vacation with him and spend quality time after all we had been thru with his health would be enough but she threw a tantrum because her birthday was celebrated a day early and not day of. I could go on and on and on with examples like these including the fact that she has to buy my children's affection, disregards when I ask her not to reward them with expensive things every weekend so that they can learn to earn things but it doesn't stop her. Nothing stops her. Bottom line, my husband is an extension of me. I can put my hurt aside most of the time but I am so hurt by how she has hurt him. I feel so betrayed, resentful and angry. I pray for peace in my heart, I read self-help and motivational articles and books to try to rid these feelings but every time she crosses the line and my husband justifies it, it makes me want to walk away. I ask myself if I am strong enough or willing to endure this. I have layed it out for my husband 1,001 times, raw emotions, begged for understanding and validation to no avail. He will always give her the benefit of the doubt. I will always be in the wrong. I learned this recently, I had surgery. Day before surgery there was a local event that we attend every year. I didn't want to go at all so I could prepare myself mentally and get ahead with home chores since I would be recovering for a few weeks post surgery. He convinced me to go. I asked if we could go early in the day so I could get home and rest. We had to check into the hospital by 6 am the next day. She said she couldn't go earlier because she couldn't miss her hair appointment. He sided with her and told me I was being unreasonable what difference did an hour make he argued. Both him and her thought her hair appt outweighed my need to prepare for surgery the next day. I can't even believe it now that I am typing it to be honest! And what lead me to this blog..Mothers Day. I don't even want to celebrate being a Mom of 3. How pathetic am I? We haven't spoken a word other than fighting for 2 days because he chose my mothers day plans for me which ultimately meet her needs and sacrifice mine. Am I in the wrong to feel the way I do??

    • profile image

      Treenity 

      5 months ago

      Who ever looks after my Mother in law will get sick! There’s no where to start with her.... her youngest daughter took care of that unappreciative hag gave up the moment she is battling with cancer, her elder daughter was sent to hospital with high Bp handling her and when they pass her to my husband aka me, my domestic helper fled the home and the replaced helper cried to me Everyday. I decided to take things into my own hands and the hag demanded her kids to take her back because I’m bad. I decided to cut off ties with all my in laws and demanded a divorce from my husband. Everyone was on my side... eventually and she was sent to her village. She’s a manipulative and toxic fool. I hate her and she knows it so well that she cannot look at me. Because by God I’ll slam her rubbish in front of everyone and she hates my guts! So now I still want that divorce and everyone thinks I’m mad because we have a happy family when she’s gone! Help

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      5 months ago from California

      Brittany,

      I do have some suggestions at the end of the article...a quick side note though: a manipulative, meddlesome, toxic MIL can have a negative impact on the marriage, undeniably, but can she single-handidly destroy it? I don’t think so. Perhaps you need to do some damage control before it’s too late. Good luck!

    • kalinin1158 profile imageAUTHOR

      Lana Adler 

      5 months ago from California

      Roy,

      How kind of you to wish her a painless death :)

      I know it’s frustrating as hell, especially if she’s messing with your custody case, but I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: a toxic MIL cannot destroy a strong marriage. Everything you’ve said may very well be true, but it can’t all be her fault. I suggest you quit blaming your ex-MIL for all your misfortunes and start taking responsibility for the part you may have played in the dissolution of your marriage.

      I wish you a peaceful resolution and a life away from toxic people from here on out. Good luck!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, wehavekids.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://wehavekids.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)