Updated date:

Jun 27, 2018

Adult Children—When to Help and When to Let Them Learn

Author:: MD Jackson MSIOP

M. D. Jackson is a college psychology professor, author, family counselor, and a mother of nine adult children.

adult-children-when-to-help-when-to-let-them-learn

Knowing When to Help Adult Children

We have a standing joke in our home: When I was working toward a doctoral degree, my sons occasionally started spending money in their heads. In other words, they liked to plan what they were going to do with the money I was going to make. I always tell them that I am leaving all my money to the dolphins, so they will have to make their own ways in the world.

On some level, like all jokes, there is some truth to what I say. I expect them to have jobs, work hard, and support themselves in life. The phrase "tough love" comes to mind, but I as a college psychology professor, family counselor, and former personal loan writer, I have met many parents who spent their life savings bailing their children out of predicaments. This article is for those parents.

The first thing to do is figure out the difference between help that will actually help and help that will only hurt your kids. Below, you'll find sections that answer these main questions:

What can you do when your grown kids are making bad decisions and end up in trouble—romantically, financially, emotionally, or with the law?
How can you help your adult child become financially independent?
When is it time to cut the apron strings and close your checkbook?
When is it okay to step in and help?

When Your Grown Kid Makes Bad Decisions

There is a big difference between trying to fix your adult child's ongoing, self-created problems and helping a kid face a life crisis. An adult child who makes a poor decision—like a daughter who buys a Coach purse instead of paying her bills, or a son who gambles with his rent money—should learn from that decision. But then there are real family crises—auto accidents, illnesses, layoffs, house fires, the list goes on—when families should work together.

When Your Adult Child Does Not Listen to Your Good Advice

You're saying all the right things to your adult child, but for some reason, they just don't listen. What can you do? Well, the answer depends on whether or not you are supporting your child financially.

If you're not giving them money, then you're not entitled to them advice unless they ask for it or to try to prevent a serious mistake. This will allow you to save your breath for when the advice might be heard and make a difference.
If you are financially supporting your adult child, then you still have a say in how their time and money is spent. Spend that money and advice wisely. For example, if you want your child to go to college, then offer to continue funding them while they do so (and if you don't want them to drop out of college, then make it clear that your financial support will end if they don't attend).

So unless you're paying the bills, you don't get any say in how your adult child conducts their life.

What to Do When an Adult Child Calls From Jail

You get a call at 1 a.m. that your adult child is in jail. After hearing the sob story about drunken driving, drug possession, or some other involvement in illegal activity, many parents will rush to bail their child out of jail. Many parents go as far as taking out loans to get adult children out of jail. Why? A friend of mine repeatedly hocked his vehicles to keep his son out of jail for possession of an illegal substance. Even though he knows he is enabling this child, he refuses to stop and let his son feel the consequences of his actions.

In our family, I have made it clear that if one of my children does something illegal, they better not call me. They know I will not bail them out.

Your child is an adult. They should be responsible for their actions. If you bail them out of jail and put yourself in financial dire straits, you are teaching them that you will always be there to fix their problems and willingly suffer for their mistakes.

There is another very good reason to NOT hock the farm for bail: Chances are that adult child is going to continue the behavior that put them in jail. They swear it will never happen again, and you want to believe. Every parent wants to believe the best about their child, but it's your job to know the difference between fantasy and reality.

If your child is headed down a dark path, you can be a light and an example, but do not save them from their consequences. Protecting a child from their own mistakes means that you do not think they can handle the situation on their own. If that is what you believe, then you need to admit how you participated in creating the problem.

To learn about how to set appropriate boundaries for adult kids who live at home, read How to Create House Rules for Adult Children.

What to Do When an Adult Child Asks for Money

Many young adults today seem to have the idea that mom and dad are made of money, so they can spend carelessly. This is the child who gets a new tattoo or a new phone, splurges on a fancy part for a vehicle, buys new clothes, purchases frivolous items for their apartment (or worse—gets a brand new vehicle), then asks you to pay their rent.

Learning to handle money never killed anyone. If your daughter's vehicle gets repossessed because she cannot pay, it will only hurt her credit. This type of lesson is important. If you protect your children from these lessons, they will never learn how money works, and they will continue to lean on you for help.

Case in point:

My oldest son earned his first vehicle. He learned to fix the old Bronco himself and he took care of it (you could have eaten off the floors in that thing). I was very proud of him. Eventually, the Bronco needed work that would be too costly so he decided to trade it in for something newer. He needed a co-signer, so he called me. My deal with him was that I would co-sign, but if I had to start making payments, I was going to take the vehicle. When he lost his job, he called me to say he could no longer make the payments, so I came and got the vehicle. It doesn’t matter that I don’t drive a stick shift or that I did not like the car, I took it on principle. He was not mad because I made it clear from the beginning that I was not going to buy him a car. (He has a car and a job now, by the way.)

Too many parents base their relationships with their kids on money, out of fear that if they don't, their child will not have anything to do with them. That’s right, your actions are not driven by love but by fear. This is a trap for everyone involved. If you have been a good and loving parent, you need not worry about your adult children never calling. As they grow up, they will drift away for short spells. This is a natural part of becoming adults. They will call, and you will have great conversations about their kids and life.

Questions to Ask Before You Give Money to Your Adult Child

Ask yourself: Can I afford it? This should always be your first consideration. If you have plenty of money, you might want to help them out, then continue to question #2. But if you can't afford to help them without damage to your own financial health, then just say no.
Ask yourself: Will this money actually help? Is this a short-term crisis or a chronic condition? Is it a temporary or a permanent need? If your financial assistance will solve the problem now, then move on to question #3, but if it won't, consider helping them find other solutions.
Ask yourself: Will this money be used responsibly? Will help pay for something important or will it be used on frivolous items? Is it for something they need or do they just want it? Is your child following a budget? If your help will not be spent responsibly, then don't give it.
Ask yourself: Is there something else I could do to help? Sometimes, you can offer another kind of help instead of giving money. Maybe you can offer to watch your grandkids while your adult child looks for a job.
Ask yourself: Will it help them gain future independence? Some gifts are money well spent. Investments in furthering education and funding business ventures are smarter than helping your child take a nice vacation, no matter how desperately that vacation is needed.
Ask yourself: Is this a pattern? If you have gotten into a habit of funding your adult child, or if you perhaps even pride yourself on continuing to pay for them, it's probably not healthy or sustainable. It may be time for both you and your adult child to grow up, break the cycle of dependence, and find other ways to maintain your relationship.
Ask your adult child: Is this a gift or is it a loan? It's important that both of you get your expectations straight. You may expect to be repaid while your adult child is secretly hoping you'll forget all about it. Transparency is key.
Ask your kid: When will you pay me back? Part of being an adult is keeping promises. Discuss a repayment schedule and make plans for what will happen if those dates are broken.
Ask your kid: Are you going to ask me for money again? Don't get into an unspoken ongoing financial agreement. Have explicit discussions about your financial expectations.

Note: If you want your kid to stop asking you for handouts, the biggest mistake is to say "no" and then let them whine and cry and guilt you into it. This is precisely why people play slot machines: there's always a chance it will pay off! Better to say "no" and stick to it. Saying "no" clearly and firmly is sometimes the best thing you can do for your child.

"Emerging Adulthood" Happens Between Ages 18-30

Pew Research conducted a recent study that found that almost a quarter of 25-34-year-olds are still living with their parents.

But What if Parents Have the Money to Help?

What happens when you have money and your children never have to work for anything? They become useless, incapable, entitled adults who have no concept of real work. When a wealthy, enabling parent dies, their kids waste their inheritance on stupid things until it's gone and then they have no idea how to function.

Part of being an adult is paying your own way in life. Let your children have their own dreams and let them work to accomplish them. Make your children work for something. When you prevent your child from working, then they never learn to make it on their own. Let them help the homeless and do charity work even if—especially if—you have money.

Case in point:

A 44-year-old woman came into my personal loan office one day. She was beside herself in tears. Her father, a famous heart surgeon, had so much money that even until the day he died he was sending her checks. After he died, all the money went to his 28-year-old trophy wife. His daughter admitted that her father ruined her. She said “He never made me do anything, so I never learned to live.”

Why Shouldn't a Parent Help Their Child Financially?

When a person works hard for something, they appreciate it, but when something is given, they do not feel a sense of responsibility for it. This is even true with college, where I currently teach. Most of the students who work hard in part-time jobs and for scholarships will appreciate their education, whereas those whose parents pay for their school are much more likely to drop out.

Some parents say they want their children to have things easier than they had. Well why would you want that when you turned out so well? Children need to experience hardships, they need to know the world is not fair, and sometimes life sucks. Why?

Until you know pain you do not appreciate health,
until you know poverty you can not appreciate wealth,
until you know failure you can not appreciate an accomplishment,
and until you work for something you can not take pride in owning it.

Do not rob your kids of these experiences. Be there for them with love and moral support, not to fix their mistakes and/or hand them your checkbook.

Case in point:

Years ago, I had an employee who was extremely emotional. She would cry uncontrollably over dogs that had died 20 years ago, and publicly share intimate details of her relationships without solicitation. Her whole life, her parents had taken care of her every need. At the age of 45, she moved back in with her parents. I can't tell you what happened to her, but I can tell you that I had to let her go from a part-time job.

These days, the biggest danger facing retirees, the one thing they haven't planned for, is having to support adult children and grandchildren.

How You Can Help an Adult Child Without Spoiling Them

When your adult child calls with a problem, talk them through it. Discuss their resources and options.
Reinforce your child's intelligence with affirming statements such as "You are smart, and I'm sure you will figure this out," or "You are strong enough to handle this."
Help them think logically. Let them decide what their best option is based on the resources available.
It's tempting to send money. Who doesn't want to help the people around them? But you are not here to fix the lives of your children, you are here to teach them to stand on their own and think for themselves.

What if You Always Help Them?

When an adult child is dependent, it creates a negative relationship between the child and parent. The child resents the parent rather than respecting the parent. If you had to rely on someone else for everything, you might start to resent them as well. The adult child starts to expect the parent to fix their life, thus creating stress for the parent. Eventually life situations implode from this scenario.

Case in point:

Years ago I knew a family where the daughter was constantly in and out of the parents house. The adult daughter wasn't on drugs but, she refused to take responsibility for herself or her own children. The adult daughter left her kids for days at a time with her parents until she finally stopped coming home. By taking on the daughters responsibilities the parents took over all the responsibilities for the grand kids.

Case in point:

An elderly couple is currently in a court battle with the husbands adult children who want half of everything the man worked during his life. Essentially, these adult children are trying to take their inheritance before their father has passed away. All their lives the father has given them everything, now they believe they are entitled to more. The man is having to fight a costly legal battle to keep his own money. There's a fine but crucial line between parenting and over-parenting.

When Does a Child Become an Adult?

When is it time to cut the strings, close your checkbook, and back away? Take all of these things into account when you decide exactly when your child should transition from child to adult:

There are many different expectations, not only across cultures but from one family to the next. Every family has its own culture which influences every family member's expectations. In some families, multiple generations all pitch in to live under one roof—in others, kids are expected to move out at 18 to start their own families. So there is no universal cut-off age: You'll have to look at your family's explicit and implicit assumptions and patterns for guidance.
Another thing to consider is the changing times. We used to consider all 18-year-olds adult, but recently, a new term has been added to our vocabulary for what happens between graduation from high school and eventual independence: "Emerging adulthood" is what we now call that transition period between 18-30.
Pew Research conducted a recent study that found that almost a quarter of 25-34-year-olds are still living with their parents.
"Failing to launch" is another new term that describes the inability of millions of young people—even those with jobs—to fully transition into independent adults.
Due to a difficult economic climate (the increasing cost of tuition, the stagnant minimum wage, etc.) we have a rapidly growing problem in which many young people are having a hard time gaining the self-sufficiency of adulthood.

When You Should Help Your Adult Child

Most adult children will move back home with you at least once. Usually, this happens after college. By that time, the kid should be behaving as a roommate instead of a child—cooking, cleaning, doing chores, and contributing to the household.

Our deal with our kids was they got one year after graduation before they had to start paying rent to us. In that year, they were also expected to save money for an apartment and a car. I would never let my children starve but, short of that, all life experience (easy and hard) is for their own good.

If for any reason your kids need permanent assistance (like if they have a disability or a chronic illness) and if you are their only means of support, then of course, you'll need to have other plans in place and will need to make arrangements for after you die. A financial adviser might suggest smarter ways for you to help in a way that doesn't disqualify them from social services.

Let your adult child live their own life. Do not try to save them: Let them save themselves. I guarantee when your children are older, they will appreciate the values you taught them and be better people.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: I decided to do the tough love thing and not enable my son by giving him money when he asks. We have been trying to place him on the right path for too many years. I know it’s time to step back and let him fail and hope he finally finds the right path. How do we stop the worry that he will do something terrible to himself or others?

Answer: As parents, worrying is probably one of the toughest things to overcome. I will tell you this, if you raised your child to be self-sufficient and strong, they will be ok. It doesn't mean that they won't have hardship. Hardships teach us empathy. When a person has never had hardships, they tend to have a very one-sided view of the world. Hardships build character and strength. What I want you to remember as a mom is that you want your child to experience life, part of that is hardships. The greatest people throughout history were built on hardships they overcame. While it doesn't make it any easier, maybe realizing that this is part of molding people into empathetic human beings will help you to think about this differently.

Question: We had our 24-year-old son sign a roommate agreement. We gave him three months to help out around the house, pay us his rent of $200 a month, and to either go to school or get a job, or he has to move out. Now there is almost no communication. Did we do the right thing?

Answer: Your son is 24, not 12. I don't know your son, is he capable of all the things you asked of him? Is he able to get a job? If the answer is yes, then you did the right thing. When kids first gain independence communication may be light for a while. Also, I don't know how you presented this to your son. If it was presented as "you are 24 and a loser who needs to get it together," he may be mad at you. If you presented it as "we love you, but you have to learn to survive on your own" then he has no reason to be upset. Growing pains apply to maturity and emotion as well. Your child is not your friend. You can have a close relationship with your child that is not based on your financial support.

Question: I have a twenty-eight-year-old son. He has been clean and sober for six years. He lives at home and hasn't worked in five years. He is depressed but won't get help. It is very sad. As his parent, I am heartbroken. How can I help?

Answer: I would start by giving him a reason to work, such as "starting next month you will be paying $450 a month in rent." No matter who I am talking to, if they are not engaged in physical activity (working out) or a sport, they should be. Exercise is the best cure for depression, it ups the serotonin levels in the brain. While this doesn't work for everyone, it does work for most people. Sun is also useful for depression. Many people who were career drug addicts crash into depression when they are sober. It's the inability to deal with life's challenges that spur the drug use, to begin with. At 28 he has most of his life ahead of him, it's time to live again. If you are in good physical condition, start taking him hiking, tell him you want to go but don't want to go alone. Get him moving.

Question: My 42-year-old son is homeless living on my property in a tent. I've tried to help him many times but can't. Should I just let all the worry and anxiety go?

Answer: Is having anxiety and worrying fixing the problem? If it's fixing the problem then by all means continue to feel that way. If it's not fixing the problem then it may be time to get a new perspective. Your son is 42, tent living is his choice. Maybe you should just accept his choice, let him know that you accept his choice. Then stop worrying, let him do his own thing.

Question: I have an eighteen-year-old son who has been in and out of jail since age 15. Our son was adopted from foster care at age two and diagnosed with fetal alcohol effects. He is now in jail again and is looking at a 2-7 year prison sentence. How do you help the kid who doesn't learn from his mistakes? We have never bailed him out before, but this time I want to. How do I help him get a fair trial?

Answer: Ask yourself what he is going to do when you bail him out of this mess? Is he going to walk the line or do drugs again? You can get him an attorney but chances are he will end up back in prison, and you will have wasted your money. Love your son, but realize that this is who he is. This is the life he has chosen for himself. You can be supportive without monetary compensation. Unless you believe he is completely innocent, I would leave it alone.

Question: We have a 19 year old daughter who is very headstrong, never listens, moved out 3x and came back, failed her first year in university, took a semester break and works part-time. She spends her money towards her boyfriend, eats out a lot, and pays a lot on salon care. She paid her own tuition and a little share in the house. You can't have a good conversation with her because she is always in defensive mode. She threatened to move out again, and my husband said to go ahead. She was resentful because we didn't help her pay for tuition. What shall we do?

Answer: Everything you mentioned is part of growing up. As long as your daughter is in school and working, let her do what she wants with her money. Just don't give her additional money when she asks. You don't have to micromanage your daughter. The lessons will come when she can no longer support her lifestyle. If she isn't going back to school then charge her rent. If she moves out, she moves out. I would teach her to budget though. This isn't a "parents being mean" lesson. This is a "I love you" and this will come in handy lesson.

Question: I have 2 grown daughters who both have college degrees. They don't look for work, party all night or watch TV, then sleep all day. My wife is a recovering alcoholic, and I also have 2 younger daughters who I all have to look after. What should I do as they are using my wife as a shield for their laziness and manipulative behaviour?

Answer: You are going to have a sit down with your wife and talk about your daughters' behavior. You are going to have to get her to agree that this behavior cannot go on and something needs to be done. That something is going to be putting your adult daughters under contract to live in your house. If they do not want to sign the contract and agree to your rules such as getting jobs, paying you rent, moving out in six months, then your daughters can choose to leave now. If they stay and are not holding up their end of the contract, get some boxes pack their stuff and kick them out. Even adult children want to be parented. Be a parent, not a doormat.

Question: I'm trying not to be a nag, but I realized I am not trusting my adult children to make decisions. I pry into their lives and am constantly asking them what they plan to do despite them being 29, 31, and 33 years old. They don't ask for money, they live on their own, they all have jobs, but they are not living up to their potential. Two are in the restaurant business, and one has a full-time job with benefits. I see them wasting their lives away. Do you have suggestions for books that deal with unmotivated adults?

Answer: We give our children life, but it isn't our job to tell them how to use it. Happiness is not predicated on fulfilling a parent's idea of our potential. Your children are not asking you for anything; leave them alone. A person can have all the potential in the world, but that doesn't mean they want to become what you think they should become. Consider all those sports dads who pushed their kids to be athletes when the kid didn't want to play. Your scenario isn't any different. Why don't you find out what your kids' dreams are and support those? I would rather my child pursue something they love that makes them happy than to have them do what I think they should do and be miserable. Instead of working on your kids, look for personal growth opportunities for yourself. Live by example.

Question: My son is 33 and lives on his own, but I have helped him out so much with money, etc. He won't get up some days to go to work because he says he doesn't hear the alarm clock, so I will call for 30 minutes or longer to wake him up. I have paid to have his lights put back on; this has gone for years. I have been stressed to the max. Every time, I say I'm not doing it again. Please give me some ways for me to stop and let me know he will be OK. What do I need to do?

Answer: Get him a loud alarm clock, have him put it across the room so he has to get up to turn it off. Let him fix his own mistakes and figure out his own life. That doesn't mean you don't love him. It means he is a man that you are treating like a 10-year-old boy. How can he act like a man if you insist on treating him this way? If he gets into trouble, say "You are a man now, you can fix it." He has to get it together on his own. You aren't helping him; you are enabling him. Expect more, expect him to be a man.

Question: When you have an adult son who has been arrested and is in jail calling you and begging for you to bail him out and making promise after promise to never use drugs again and that he has learned his lesson, how do you stay strong and not feel so guilty for not bailing him out?

Answer: Well is this his first time in jail? For people who are truly straightened out by jail, it only takes one time for them to change their ways. If this is the second or third time, this person is giving you lip service to get out. I'm not sure why parents all feel it is necessary to bail these kids out. Parents should only feel guilty if they were involved.

Question: My 19-year-old son has anger and mental health issues. I worry about him constantly. He and my husband do not get along. He cannot stay at our home. I can not afford to financially help him pay for a home. I love him so much and have tried many times to help him with his issues, with support and doctors. My husband will not let him stay in the house, and I am ready to end my marriage to go and rent a place for him and I. What should I do?

Answer: I'm not sure what you mean by anger issues. If your son is mentally unstable, then you need to get him into a facility. At 19, a lot of young men experience anger without cause. The brain doesn't stop growing until around the age of 25. Our first responsibility in life is to our children, however, once they hit a certain age, they need to be on their own. If your son graduated from high school, he needs to get a job, go to college or a trade school. If your son is working and going to school, he isn't going to be around much. If you want a divorce, then you need to do it without consideration for your son. Do not use your son or give your son that kind of power. Getting divorced should never happen because your adult child doesn't like your spouse. Your adult child didn't marry your spouse, you did. If your relationship is not working, that is one thing; if you just want a reason to leave, that is something else entirely. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Your son is not going to always be around, unless you want to support him forever. That means you are not taking care of your relationship with your husband. I don't understand why you would take the side of your son who is acting out over the husband who just wants peace in his home.

Question: My 21-year-old daughter wants to move in with her boyfriend. She still has three semesters of college left. If she chooses to move out, am I right to say you need to get your car not take mine? Right now we pay her car insurance, medical insurance, and phone bill because she lives at home and goes to school. Should we still pay her expenses?

Answer: I’m not sure why she would think you are going to pay her way if she moves out. The point of moving out is taking responsibility for yourself. The only reason you would pay anything is if you promised to help with college expenses. As for the car, it’s your car. There again I’m not sure why she would think taking your car was an option. We did help our kids get their first car, they were all used vehicles, nothing fancy. Mostly bought private party. All of them had to pay us back for the car. Encourage independence in your adult child. This is an about punishing them because they won’t live their life the way you want, it’s about giving them the tools they need to succeed in life.

Question: My 37-year-old married daughter (3 kids and pregnant) has always made her life harder than it has to be! It kills me to see her to keep running in front of that train. How do I let go? It is a selfish journey as I have trouble living a happy life knowing she is "suffering." Will she ever learn, and how do I let go?

Answer: To overcome any situation in life, a person has to learn new skills. Whatever skills your daughter presently employs, those skills are not helping her fix her problems or make better decisions. Also, she is 37 and married; her problems are her problems. Yes, she is choosing the hard road, but it is her choice. Your daughter is still alive even though she has made these decisions; don’t save her from her mistakes anymore. Let her be an adult.

Question: My 29 year old daughter has moved back home and now stays out till the early morning hours. I feel like I am living with a 16 year old and can’t take it. What should I do? I also have an elderly mother who lives with me too.

Answer: Time to set boundaries with your daughter.

1. Curfew

2. Rent

3. Chores

4. Time limit on staying (I usually say six months)

This is your home, if she can't follow the rules, she cant stay.

Question: My 24-year-old daughter lives under the freeway. She left the house because she refuses to live with my husband who is her stepfather. He was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive to her. She swears to her sister that she hasn't been doing drugs or drinking for a while now. I am planning on leaving my husband to help her. She also thinks she has PTSD. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer: The answer to your question depends on what you want. If you are married to an abusive person then yes you should leave. If your husband messed up your daughter with his behavior, then you should help her. As for her self-diagnosis of PTSD, that needs to be determined by a professional. She may have issues from the abuse, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's PTSD. The type of help she will need is a good therapist. If she has done drugs and abused alcohol in the past, then I would caution you about the type of help you give her. You can pay to have her drug tested. If she refuses to do it, I would say she is still using. At that point, the help should be rehab and counseling.

Question: I paid my son rent for a year and he hasn’t done anything to take over paying his own bills, he doesn’t listen to me. His lease is up in November and I told him he would have to find somewhere to live because he can’t live with me. Was that the right decision?

Answer: That depends on how long you want to support him. I don't know why you paid his rent for a year but, as you have probably realized he is taking advantage of you. My rule with helping my kids is that I will help them when they are doing everything they can for themselves. In other words, if your son had been working and still wasn't making enough money to pay his rent then I would help him. If he is playing video games and spending the money he has on new rims for his car, then I would say stop funding his vacation.

Question: My adult son for years has talked about suicide a couple of times. He was taken to the ER after a well-being check. My son has NO insurance. He was taken to the ER and released. He thinks I made that call. He is now threatening me saying I must pay his ER bill or I will never see him or my grandkids ever again. I can not afford his ER bill. Shouldn't HE be responsible for the bill?

Answer: He's an adult if he went to the ER then it's his bill. I'm not sure why he would think you are responsible. He probably wasn't required to go unless his wellness check went badly.

Question: I have a 22-year-old son that is in my home dragging his feet, in starting his own business. He doesn't invest in himself, and doesn't seem to have much motivation. I make him pay a small amount in rent each month to help him become responsible, but outside of that he doesn't want to 'work for anyone.' I am ok n disability working part-time having trouble making ends meet. I don't want to put him out on the street. Any suggestions on how to encourage a better situation?

Answer: If your son gets the motivation to do something more productive, he is likely to move out. You could raise his rent. If you are asking me how to make him be more productive, motivation comes from a lot of places. Some people are motivated by fear, perceived risk vs. reward, or out a need. Your son currently does not have any of that going on. Inspiration can often move people to action. He’s your son, what has motivated him in the past? What inspires him? When you answer that question, you will be able to help him. Whatever his original plan was, it didn’t inspire or motivate him.

Question: I have one son that been in prison for 15 years. He has a wife and two sons that she has been taking care of for the last fifteen years. I have helped out by giving my son twenty thousand dollars. How do I not feel guilty when I don't have the money to help anymore?

Answer: Your guilt is misplaced. It wasn't your place to take care of them, to begin with. You did what you could, if there isn't any more money, then that's it. Guilt is only useful if it motivates action. Feeling guilty is not going to change the fact that you do not have any more to give. I can tell you if my son were in prison, I wouldn't give him money. I can see helping out the wife and grandkids, however, after fifteen years, some of those kids should be grown and gone.

Question: My fiance is 35 years old. He has a problem with always spending money and lying to everyone all the time. he also has a hard time staying away from drugs. Is there any way for his mom or I to force him to get help for these problems?

Answer: Unfortunately, no. Once someone is using drugs, if they won't get help, then you are left with the choice of either staying or going. If you stay, you already know that you are signing up to be lied to as you watch his drug addict behavior. I hope you get out before this destroys you too.

Question: My 22-year-old daughter that just had a baby. We are concerned about her mental health and that her lying has started up again after she moved back in. They both know this is temporary however I am not seeing much initiative on her part. They left together the other day to take my son in law to work leaving the baby crying and hungry. What milestones should I set for them to get on their feet and move out?

Answer: The first thing is that if you don’t want them living with you, you need to charge them rent. They should be saving most of their money to get out of your house. I would give them six months to get some money together and move out.

Question: Should I attend my sons court date for wreckless driving with him against his wishes?

Answer: If he doesn't want you there, let him handle this on his own. The question is, why would you go? Is it to show moral support for him doing something irresponsible? Let his handle this one without you.

Question: My twenty-one-year-old son has always been irresponsible and it will soon cost him his job, housing/roommate, and car. He's not in college, and he has anxiety and low self-esteem. He quit counseling. I don't want to enable him, and I have money limitations. He may come home with rules to contribute financially and chores. He's barely keeping his head above water. If he falls on his face and learns a valuable lesson, I am all for it! My fear is that he will fall on his face and can't deal with it. What should I do?

Answer: Did you ever fall on your face in life? Have you ever faced odds that were not in your favor? Adversity breeds strength. What happens to kids today is they are never faced with adversity so they have no idea how to overcome anything. At twenty-one, your son is an adult. He's a man. At seventeen, my grandfather was drafted into the military to fight in World War II. He wasn't prepared for the military. The point is that I'm sure lots of people would rather not face life head-on. If you don't have the money to help him, don't help him. Let him know up front that you don't have the funds fix his situation. If you don't have confidence in him, how is he supposed to have confidence in himself? Instill in him your confidence. Tell him you know he is smart and will figure all this out. Also look up vitamins that help with anxiety. I can't directly tell you on here what deficiency causes it (for legal reasons), but you can look it up. He should start taking that vitamin. He's going to be fine. Change your mind set and have confidence in your son.

Question: What do you do when your adult child is afraid of commitment? Any advice to give or words to help? Nothing lasts very long, relationships, where they live, etc.

Answer: As long as you are not monetarily supporting your child, let them live how they want. I have a son who has a wandering spirit, he sometimes picks up and goes without warning. He’s worked everything from oil rigs to robotics. I don’t dictate his path, I gave him this life to live. If living to him is changing jobs and towns, that’s up to him. Now if you are paying for this lack of commitment that is different. You should stop paying for this child’s lack of commitment.

Question: My college-aged child says she doesn’t want to chase the money, but she's a violin/music major with no job after graduation. What do you tell them?

Answer: Not many people go on to play the violin professionally. However, there are positions for that. There is also the opportunity to teach music to kids and others. I went to see a Cirque De Soleil show in Las Vegas last year. The music was played by an orchestra live. There are jobs for people who are serious about their love of arts. Granted the starving artist thing is real. The success of your child depends on the same thing all success depends on: determination and resiliency. How sad would it have been if Mozart was told he had to be a banker? Let your child live their life you never know what could happen.

Question: Two of my four sons smoke marijuana and are doing nothing with themselves. When they were young, I was very strict and am feeling like maybe I overparented them. I need some ways to get them motivated, because I have two more that are looking up to them, and there were many goals that we set together that are out the window now that they are "adults.” Only the eighteen-year-old is still in our home. I don’t want them to be failures. What should I do?

Answer: You can't stop your sons from smoking marijuana. You can keep it out of your home. Unfortunately, this is becoming a common problem for parents. The eighteen-year-old doesn't need to bring that into your house. Hopefully he has an exit plan in place. If not, it's time to have the pay rent or move out talk. No one should be smoking weed in front of your younger kids. My advice, be mean. Let your eighteen-year-old know that you are not going to have marijuana in your home. Period. Legal or not, it's your house. At least that way the eighteen-year-old will have to go somewhere else to do it, not in front of your younger kids. Also, having an older sibling do drugs is not a predictor of behavior. Your children are watching you. Be the example and keep the weed out of your house. As for fixing the kids who are smoking, if they are not in your home and they support themselves, in some states, it's legal to smoke Marijuana so as adults there isn't anything you can do. I wouldn't blame yourself for being a good parent. Doing drugs is on them. They may stop doing it after a while. Sometimes it takes a good influence outside of the home to end these behaviors.

Question: I have an eighteen-year-old daughter with a child who is missing school and choosing friends over family and parenting responsibilities. I told her whether or not she graduates in June she haw to move out, but I want her out sooner. How do I do this?

Answer: Your daughter is a child with a child. Just because she had a baby does not mean she is going to grow up instantly. In some respects, having a baby makes girls regress. It sounds so fun to have a baby, but we all know it's a responsibility. Your daughter needed a puppy, not a kid. As an adult, you know how hard it is to single parent a child let alone provide for them. I'm not sure how you think she will be ready to move out in a few months? Unless she has a trust fund or has saved every dollar since she was a baby, she's not leaving in June. It takes about six months for a person to save enough money to pay first, last, and deposit on an apartment. If you toss her to the curb too soon, you are going to get her back. She needs life skills and a good job before she can live on her own. You can throw her out whenever you want if you don't mind knowing your grandchild is on the streets. The other thing is that after graduation, a lot of her friends are going to leave. So her focus may shift when she no longer has them around to distract her. While I'm sure you wanted a magic wand answer, I don't have that kind of power.

You can prepare her by sitting down with her and discussing a timeline, as well as how she can save the money necessary. When I moved out of my parent's house, it was with my first tax return. Get a plan in place and make sure she has the skills to survive. When a bird is pushed out of the nest too early, it falls to the ground and dies.

Question: My 23-year-old daughter has been dishonorably discharged from the military, and is pregnant. The father of the child is unknown. Do you have any advice for us as her parents?

Answer: You know your daughter. She probably knows who the father is. She just may not be willing to drag that person down with her. If you don’t believe in your heart that she can handle a baby, encourage her to put the baby up for adoption. It sounds like she may be going off the rails a bit. Get in there and find out what’s going on before you make any attempts to help.

Question: My daughter has returned home about six times, and now she has two babies with her after an eviction. I don't want her here anymore. What should I do?

Answer: Sit her down and have her sign a contract concerning the rules of your home. Give her six months to get a job and save the money for a new place, put the six-month date on the contract. Give her chores and rent to pay (one of with will be keeping her kid's stuff picked up). Somewhere inside, she is missing information concerning how to survive, help her figure out what it is. Be serious with her concerning her situation. Go back over budgeting with her and teach her to live within her means. Life is not easy. Life with kids is even more difficult. It' s time for her to get it together. If she doesn't get a job and save, then throw her out in six months.

Question: My son is twenty-six-years-old and has never had a job. He takes one college course per semester, and he is up all night on the computer or TV, so he sleeps all day. My husband says, "you can't help him if he doesn't ask for help." I worried, and don't know what to do. How do I help him?

Answer: At one class per semester, he should graduate in about sixty years. Why isn't he working or paying rent? Your son isn't progressing because he doesn't have positive resistance. You don't have to be mean to him, but, he should have been out of your house years ago. If the two of you are ok with him staying, that's up to you. He could be working part-time and saving money for his own place. The normal rule is if you are not a full-time student, then you work. The two of you are not helping him by allowing him to cruise. Time to talk, he should be paying rent to stay there, and he should have chores, if he doesn't want to do that he can get a job and save money so he can move out.

Question: Should I pay my daughter's car payment while she's in jail for violating her probation by smoking pot?

Answer: That depends on how long you want to enable her behavior. If you want to continue to shield her from her consequences, then make the payment. If you think she is an adult and should handle her own business, then don't pay the car payment.

Question: How do you help a 24 your daughter, who is depressed/anxious, has a host of sexual and physical trauma, is not financially stable, lives at home (no rules or responsibilities) and is so broken that she blames everyone for everything and does not self-reflect? She can be very hurtful with her words and explosive but says, "Well, that's how it fee!". When you call her out on what she says, she gets even more upset and flips on me. I am at loss. What can I do?

Answer: Too often when a child goes through trauma, we start using it as an excuse for their behavior. We make allowances for the guilt we feel in an effort to make it up to them. There are two problems with that thinking. The first problem is that you can't make it up to someone that they were molested/raped. The second problem is that you are doing more damage by not making her take responsibility for herself. Right now your daughter does not respect you because you are not acting like a mom. Being dammed if you do, dammed if you don't means you might as well do what is right since you are catching hell either way. What does that mean?

You have to shift the control in your home. To do this, you must be calm, matter of fact (direct) and stick to your rules. The first thing is that your daughter is an adult so you need to treat her like one. She has a time limit for getting a job. You set that limit and stick to it (I usually say 60 days). Next, there are chores in your home. You are not a doormat. She needs to take on half the responsibility for cooking and cleaning. These are not going to be "fun" conversations. No matter how mad she gets, do not get emotional. Tell her you expect her to act like an adult. If she needs a counselor, then get her counseling but, she still needs to start contributing. Once she has a job she gets to pay rent, teach her to save up for her own place. If she refuses to do these things that is fine, cut her off. no money, no phone, no insurance. If she continues to do nothing after that, give her 30 days to leave and serve her with a notice. She still might not take you seriously. Two weeks before she is supposed to go, bring home boxes and start packing her stuff. She needs to see you are serious. Do not cry in front of her, do not yell, be calm. You need to remember that the time for being emotional is over. It is time to be a mom.

Question: My daughter is twenty-six-years-old, living at home, and CPS just took her three-year-old. She is on the wrong path, and I have been holding her hand every step of the way. Recently, it has started to cause my husband and I serious problems. How do I help her grow up?

Answer: If she is on drugs, get her into a treatment facility. For a lot of young women having a baby will make them more responsible. In your daughter's case, that did not happen. To have CPS take a child, that parent has to be visibly unfit. CSP usually requires parenting classes. Know that you cannot make her a better person, she has to do that on her own. You might want to back off her for a bit. If you are always fixing her problems, then she has no reason to grow up and handle them herself. Put it to her like this, "If she doesn't take care of her child, why should you take care of her?" She's an adult. If she is going to stay with you, she should be supporting herself with a job, paying you rent and taking care of her child. If she is not going to do those things, then all you are doing is helping her be irresponsible.

Question: Our son 23 yrs irrational and since then he has cut all communication with us. I have since heard that he has tried to end his life an is self-harming but refuses to come home and go to hospital. We are at our wit's end and truly believe he is suffering psychosis. I have rung a crisis helpline who basically said call the police, the police won’t do anything because I can’t show evidence he’s in danger. What can we do to help our son amid his possible breakdown?

Answer: What you are going to do is find him and sit with him. Don’t tell him why you are there, just sit with him. Stay with him for hours if you have to, once he opens up, then mention bringing him home. Let him know you love him. Be there for him.

Question: What should I do when an adult child won't take responsibility?

Answer: This is vague, so my answer may be vague. Responsibility is a mental attitude about our actions. When people don't take responsibility, it is often because they do not want to confront the part of them that makes mistakes and is wrong. We teach kids as they grow up that making mistakes is bad, yet many of us grow from our mistakes. Teaching someone that mistakes are an opportunity for growth can change their perspective. Since we all make mistakes, we can empathize rather than accuse and teach rather than preach.

Question: My daughter is nineteen. Since her boyfriend came home from school, she is sleeping at his house five days a week. I have asked her to spend more time at home, and to sleep here at least half the time. I still support her financially, and she is attending school in the fall. How do I explain to her why it's still important to be respectful enough to stay home to sleep more often?

Answer: Let us address the more important issue first. Hopefully, she is on birth control because, I think the real problem with her "sleeping over" is that she isn't sleeping. If the boyfriend is leaving after the summer, then this situation will run its course. If he is back permanently, then it may be time for her to get her own place. 18-24 is the age when the waters of independence are tested. If you try to hold her back, she will rebel. She is not going to spend her days hanging out with you when she can be with a boyfriend who makes her feel like she is on a cloud. You can't compete with that emotion. Just make sure she doesn't prematurely start a family. Letting go of your child is tough. You are in the beginning stages of her leaving for good. My advice is to take her to lunch, and start working on your adult relationship with her. Your time with her home is short.

Question: My 28-year-old son moved back home nine months ago, the goal being to get on his feet so he could move back out. He now says that I don't really understand modern day economics, and that it's almost impossible for his generation to ever own a home or even qualify for rent. How out of touch am I?

Answer: If we are talking about living in a big city, then he might be right. However, if his goal is to own a home, he should look into rural areas where the real estate is less expensive. Our oldest son just bought a house. My middle (22-years-old) son has had several jobs that paid over $7,000 a month. This is because he takes jobs no one wants, working the oil fields, tow truck driver, and now machinists with Panasonic. Youth today are looking for the cushy management position. Those positions are few and far between for people without experience. Here is the mistake people make about jobs: they only look in one area. When you want s good paying job you have to be willing to move. If he isn’t tied down with kids or a wife, now is the time when he can travel to make money. The opportunities are there; he just has to open his mind up to the possibility of moving. (No you are not out of touch).

Question: I have fallen down the rabbit hole. I pay my sons and daughter in laws' bills. I am terrified if I don't pay, they will end up homeless and live in a vehicle. She is twenty-four; he is twenty-five. Neither will hold a job. They have a four-year-old and a two-year-old. I'm terrified those babies will end up homeless if I don't keep paying. How do I get out without the grandkids being the losers?

Answer: It depends on if they are living with you or not. If you are just paying your kids bills, then you need to sit down with them and discuss how they are going to start paying their bills. I would be willing to bet that if you watch their spending, they are causing their problems.

If they live with you, they get six months to get the money together to move out. The main thing is, stop paying their way. There isn’t a way for your grandchildren to not be affected by this. The problem is that if you continue to support them, they will never learn to survive.

Question: my adult son called from jail this morning. What do I do? I am so scared for him.

Answer: Jail is a little scary, but depending on why he is there, its good that it's scary. If you can go see him, go see him. It's the middle of the week, so he will most likely be released today. I would find out what happened. Jail isn't the same as prison. Although it's not a good place, the county jail isn't going to be the cause of any physical damage (Don't tell him I said that.) Let him be scared, and let it sink in that not obeying laws puts you in awful places. Going to see him doesn't mean you bail him out. As I said, he will most likely be released today anyway. It just depends on the charge.

Question: My 28-year-old son has no manners, is rude, and made my life hell while staying at home. He has now asked me for a place to stay as he wants to divorce his wife. I have told him that I do not have a place for him, but on the other hand, I feel guilty for not helping him. He says it's only for a short while, but I know the minute he's in, he won't leave. It's caused so much anger between my husband and myself, and I am still suffering. I also suffer from anxiety issues. Please help, I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice?

Answer: Is he being abused? Probably not. Your son's desire to leave his wife is not your problem. If you suspect this will turn into a “roommate for life” situation, then you are better off not moving him in. Guilt? His love life is not under your area of responsibility. Maybe he needs a better separation plan. He’s an adult man, let him handle his own business.

Question: I have enabled my 20-year-old son for years: bailed him out, paid rent for him, bought him cars, everything. He is addicted to marijuana. He is now married and I helped them get their own place, but once again, they don't have jobs and can't pay their rent. I know he and she are not being responsible and just think I am going to pay it, but I'm not. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer: Stop giving him money. You are enabling him and not teaching him how to support himself.

Question: My 21yr son is living with his 17yr old girlfriend but she has a high dependent disorder amongst a few other mental health issues. When she has a bad day he doesn't go to work which is affecting his apprenticeship and work ethic. He is close to losing his job. How do we get him to see that she is damaging his future?

Answer: The truth is he is not going to get rid of her because you tell him to. She is 17 and therefore a child. She’s acting like a child, and he is treating her like a child. Unfortunately, you cannot interfere because he is not going to listen to you. What’s worse is that he will resent your involvement. Stay out of it. Is he going to blow his apprenticeship? Probably. He has to decide when he is going to stop dealing with her and get a girl friend his own age.

Question: My 30-something is threatening to take her own life, my question is, what do I do?

Answer: Get her psychiatric help. Don't wait for the suicide attempt.

Question: when do you know when it is time to let your child go to jail for a extended period of time and be able to live with this decision?

Answer: I’m not sure I understand this question. If you have been bailing your child out of jail and paying attorneys fees repeatedly, then yes it is time to stop helping them stay out of jail. Here is how you keep from feeling guilty; has you helping them worked to keep that person from doing what they were doing to go to jail? If not then, in reality, you are not helping them. You have been reinforcing their bad behavior by letting them out of the consequences. In reality, you should feel guilty for getting them out of jail when it might have helped for them to feel the full force of the punishment.

Question: My adult daughter, her husband, and my granddaughter are traveling to TN after losing their low rent house in OR. My son-in-law texted me for money to complete the transaction. I sent him $300. This is an ongoing thing with them. How can I help them stop this without hurting my ten-year-old granddaughter? I'm sixty-two, and not wealthy.

Answer: Identify the skill set your daughter is missing regarding her inability to support her family. Is it because she won't get a job? Is it because she doesn't have marketable skills. The thing is that low-income families have tons of vocational options through state programs. Determining her deficiency may help her onto the path of self-sufficiency.

Unfortunately, Your granddaughter is going to be front row to the hardships created by her parents. Here is the great thing about hardship, it makes us strong. Hopefully, your granddaughter will make better choices seeing the mistakes of her parents. If you are in Tennessee, then you can lend moral support to your granddaughter and be the stabling influence in her life.

Question: My son is 21-years-old, and not helpful or respectful. He is living with me, not going to college, feeling indifferent and not conversing with me. Should I provide him with food and car insurance?

Answer: Something is holding your son from moving forward. I'm finding more and more that this next generation coming up is afraid of the world. This may be the result of 24/7 media and information. Either way, there seems to be a disconnect. I have found in the past that whenever I have an issue with one of my kids, it helps to pull them closer and find out what's going on. The reality is that you do not know why he isn't progressing. Start by taking him somewhere that is a neutral zone. If there was something, he liked to do as a kid, like go to the lake, drag him to the lake for the day. Have a good time. Then casually open the dialog. Tell him you noticed he hasn't been himself and doesn't seem motivated; did something happen? Let him guide the conversation and listen. Is he dealing with fear, is he angry or frustrated, does he have unrealistic ideas about life? Find the problem first, then empower him to solve it. You can remove all the help you want; it's not going to fix what's broken.

Question: My son recently graduated college, and he's moving to Ohio. Should I go with him to show support, or let him go it alone? I feel guilty for not going with him to a new place.

Answer: You should go only if he asks you to go. Otherwise just tell him how proud you are and move on.

Question: my twenty-five-year-old daughter disowned her family. What should I do?

Answer: You can't do anything. There isn't a law that says she has to speak to the family. Leave her alone. Sometimes it takes years and a lot of life experience for a person to realize they were wrong. All you can do is wait it out. Constantly trying to contact that person usually exacerbates the situation. Besides, it is her right not to have contact with people she doesn't like. None of us should be forced to interact with people. Respect her privacy.

Question: My son is twenty-years-old. He lives with my husband and I, and goes to college part-time. He does not work, and sleeps in very late. Is this ok? I want him to get an education, so I don't mind if he does not work, but my mother-in-law says I am hurting him not helping.

Answer: Although your mother means well, it's none of her business. I would have him pull down a full class load if he isn't going to work. That's just my opinion. College will go by faster, and that way and he will be on his own sooner as well. However, this is up to you.

Question: We have given our daughter and son-in-law $36,000 in the past six months, so they don't lose their home. My daughter does not care that we have helped them save their home. They have two small kids. How do we tell her and her husband there is no more money?

Answer: Simply tell her. It was noble of you to help them save their house, however, losing a house is not the worst thing that ever happens to someone. $36,000 is a lot of money. It is up to each parent to decide what they are willing to give. People miss judge the article and think it's about disowning your kid. If you don't have the money to give, there is no choice anymore. Tell her you don't have the money. If this is still about the =house, then maybe she should sell it, pay you back and get something she can afford. It's just a house.