Adult Children—When to Help and When to Let Them Learn

Author:
MD Jackson MSIOP
Updated date:
Mar 7, 2022

M. D. Jackson is a college psychology professor, author, family counselor, and a mother of nine adult children.

When to help your adult child, and when to let them learn on their own.

Knowing When to Help Adult Children

We have a standing joke in our home: when I was working toward a doctoral degree, my sons occasionally started spending money in their heads. In other words, they liked to plan what they were going to do with the money I was going to make. I always tell them that I am leaving all my money to the dolphins, so they will have to make their own ways in the world.

On some level, like all jokes, there is some truth to what I say. I expect them to have jobs, work hard, and support themselves in life. The phrase "tough love" comes to mind, but as a college psychology professor, family counselor, and former personal loan writer, I have met many parents who spent their life savings bailing their children out of predicaments. This article is for those parents.

The first thing to do is figure out the difference between help that will actually benefit and help that will only hurt your kids. Below, you'll find sections that answer these main questions:

What can you do when your grown kids are making bad decisions and end up in trouble—romantically, financially, emotionally, or with the law?
How can you help your adult child become financially independent?
When is it time to cut the apron strings and close your checkbook?
When is it okay to step in and help?

When Your Grown Kid Makes Bad Decisions

There is a big difference between trying to fix your adult child's ongoing, self-created problems and helping a kid face a life crisis. An adult child who makes a poor decision—like a daughter who buys a Coach purse instead of paying her bills, or a son who gambles with his rent money—should learn from that decision. But then there are real family crises—auto accidents, illnesses, layoffs, house fires, the list goes on—when families should work together.

When Your Adult Child Does Not Listen to Your Good Advice

You're saying all the right things to your adult child, but for some reason, they just don't listen. What can you do? Well, the answer depends on whether or not you are supporting your child financially.

If you're not giving them money, then you're not entitled to give them advice unless they ask for it or to try to prevent a serious mistake. This will allow you to save your breath for when the advice might be heard and make a difference.
If you are financially supporting your adult child, then you still have a say in how their time and money are spent. Spend that money and advice wisely. For example, if you want your child to go to college, then offer to continue funding them while they do so (and if you don't want them to drop out of college, then make it clear that your financial support will end if they don't attend).

So unless you're paying the bills, you don't get any say in how your adult child conducts their life.

What to Do When an Adult Child Calls From Jail

You get a call at 1 a.m. that your adult child is in jail. After hearing the sob story about drunken driving, drug possession, or some other involvement in illegal activity, many parents will rush to bail their child out of jail. Many parents go as far as taking out loans to get adult children out of jail. Why? A friend of mine repeatedly hocked his vehicles to keep his son out of jail for possession of an illegal substance. Even though he knows he is enabling this child, he refuses to stop and let his son feel the consequences of his actions.

In our family, I have made it clear that if one of my children does something illegal, they better not call me. They know I will not bail them out.

Your child is an adult. They should be responsible for their actions. If you bail them out of jail and put yourself in financial dire straits, you are teaching them that you will always be there to fix their problems and willingly suffer for their mistakes.

There is another very good reason to NOT hock the farm for bail: chances are that adult child is going to continue the behavior that put them in jail. They swear it will never happen again, and you want to believe. Every parent wants to believe the best about their child, but it's your job to know the difference between fantasy and reality.

If your child is headed down a dark path, you can be a light and an example, but do not save them from their consequences. Protecting a child from their own mistakes means that you do not think they can handle the situation on their own. If that is what you believe, then you need to admit how you participated in creating the problem.

To learn about how to set appropriate boundaries for adult kids who live at home, read How to Create House Rules for Adult Children.

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What to Do When an Adult Child Asks for Money

Many young adults today seem to have the idea that mom and dad are made of money, so they can spend carelessly. This is the child who gets a new tattoo or a new phone, splurges on a fancy part for a vehicle, buys new clothes, purchases frivolous items for their apartment (or worse—gets a brand new vehicle), then asks you to pay their rent.

Learning to handle money never killed anyone. If your daughter's vehicle gets repossessed because she cannot pay, it will only hurt her credit. This type of lesson is important. If you protect your children from these lessons, they will never learn how money works, and they will continue to lean on you for help.

Case in point:

My oldest son earned his first vehicle. He learned to fix the old Bronco himself and he took care of it (you could have eaten off the floors in that thing). I was very proud of him. Eventually, the Bronco needed work that would be too costly so he decided to trade it in for something newer. He needed a co-signer, so he called me. My deal with him was that I would co-sign, but if I had to start making payments, I was going to take the vehicle. When he lost his job, he called me to say he could no longer make the payments, so I came and got the vehicle. It doesn’t matter that I don’t drive a stick shift or that I did not like the car, I took it on principle. He was not mad because I made it clear from the beginning that I was not going to buy him a car. (He has a car and a job now, by the way.)

Too many parents base their relationships with their kids on money, out of fear that if they don't, their child will not have anything to do with them. That’s right, your actions are not driven by love but by fear. This is a trap for everyone involved. If you have been a good and loving parent, you need not worry about your adult children never calling. As they grow up, they will drift away for short spells. This is a natural part of becoming adults. They will call, and you will have great conversations about their kids and life.

Questions to Ask Before You Give Money to Your Adult Child

Ask yourself: Can I afford it? This should always be your first consideration. If you have plenty of money, you might want to help them out, then continue to question #2. But if you can't afford to help them without damage to your own financial health, then just say no.
Ask yourself: Will this money actually help? Is this a short-term crisis or a chronic condition? Is it a temporary or a permanent need? If your financial assistance will solve the problem now, then move on to question #3, but if it won't, consider helping them find other solutions.
Ask yourself: Will this money be used responsibly? Will help pay for something important or will it be used on frivolous items? Is it for something they need or do they just want it? Is your child following a budget? If your help will not be spent responsibly, then don't give it.
Ask yourself: Is there something else I could do to help? Sometimes, you can offer another kind of help instead of giving money. Maybe you can offer to watch your grandkids while your adult child looks for a job.
Ask yourself: Will it help them gain future independence? Some gifts are money well spent. Investments in furthering education and funding business ventures are smarter than helping your child take a nice vacation, no matter how desperately that vacation is needed.
Ask yourself: Is this a pattern? If you have gotten into a habit of funding your adult child, or if you perhaps even pride yourself on continuing to pay for them, it's probably not healthy or sustainable. It may be time for both you and your adult child to grow up, break the cycle of dependence, and find other ways to maintain your relationship.
Ask your adult child: Is this a gift or is it a loan? It's important that both of you get your expectations straight. You may expect to be repaid while your adult child is secretly hoping you'll forget all about it. Transparency is key.
Ask your kid: When will you pay me back? Part of being an adult is keeping promises. Discuss a repayment schedule and make plans for what will happen if those dates are broken.
Ask your kid: Are you going to ask me for money again? Don't get into an unspoken ongoing financial agreement. Have explicit discussions about your financial expectations.

Note: If you want your kid to stop asking you for handouts, the biggest mistake is to say "no" and then let them whine and cry and guilt you into it. This is precisely why people play slot machines: there's always a chance it will pay off! Better to say "no" and stick to it. Saying "no" clearly and firmly is sometimes the best thing you can do for your child.

"Emerging Adulthood" Happens Between Ages 18-30

Pew Research conducted a recent study that found that almost a quarter of 25-34-year-olds are still living with their parents.

But What if Parents Have the Money to Help?

What happens when you have money and your children never have to work for anything? They become useless, incapable, entitled adults who have no concept of real work. When a wealthy, enabling parent dies, their kids waste their inheritance on stupid things until it's gone and then they have no idea how to function.

Part of being an adult is paying your own way in life. Let your children have their own dreams and let them work to accomplish them. Make your children work for something. When you prevent your child from working, then they never learn to make it on their own. Let them help the homeless and do charity work even if- especially if-you have money.

Case in point:

A 44-year-old woman came into my personal loan office one day. She was beside herself in tears. Her father, a famous heart surgeon, had so much money that even until the day he died he was sending her checks. After he died, all the money went to his 28-year-old trophy wife. His daughter admitted that her father ruined her. She said, “He never made me do anything, so I never learned to live.”

Why Shouldn't a Parent Help Their Child Financially?

When a person works hard for something, they appreciate it, but when something is given, they do not feel a sense of responsibility for it. This is even true with college, where I currently teach. Most of the students who work hard in part-time jobs and for scholarships will appreciate their education, whereas those whose parents pay for their school are much more likely to drop out.

Some parents say they want their children to have things easier than they had. Well, why would you want that when you turned out so well? Children need to experience hardships, they need to know the world is not fair, and sometimes life sucks. Why?

Until you know pain you do not appreciate health,
until you know poverty you can not appreciate wealth,
until you know failure you can not appreciate an accomplishment,
and until you work for something you can not take pride in owning it.

Do not rob your kids of these experiences. Be there for them with love and moral support, not to fix their mistakes and/or hand them your checkbook.

Case in point:

Years ago, I had an employee who was extremely emotional. She would cry uncontrollably over dogs that had died 20 years ago, and publicly share intimate details of her relationships without solicitation. Her whole life, her parents had taken care of her every need. At the age of 45, she moved back in with her parents. I can't tell you what happened to her, but I can tell you that I had to let her go from a part-time job.

These days, the biggest danger facing retirees, the one thing they haven't planned for, is having to support adult children and grandchildren.

How You Can Help an Adult Child Without Spoiling Them

When your adult child calls with a problem, talk them through it. Discuss their resources and options.
Reinforce your child's intelligence with affirming statements such as "You are smart, and I'm sure you will figure this out," or "You are strong enough to handle this."
Help them think logically. Let them decide what their best option is based on the resources available.
It's tempting to send money. Who doesn't want to help the people around them? But you are not here to fix the lives of your children, you are here to teach them to stand on their own and think for themselves.

What if You Always Help Them?

When an adult child is dependent, it creates a negative relationship between the child and parent. The child resents the parent rather than respecting the parent. If you had to rely on someone else for everything, you might start to resent them as well. The adult child starts to expect the parent to fix their life, thus creating stress for the parent. Eventually, life situations implode from this scenario.

Case in point:

Years ago I knew a family where the daughter was constantly in and out of the parents' house. The adult daughter wasn't on drugs but, she refused to take responsibility for herself or her own children. The adult daughter left her kids for days at a time with her parents until she finally stopped coming home. By taking on the daughter's responsibilities, the parents took over all the responsibilities for the grandkids.

Case in point:

An elderly couple is currently in a court battle with the husband's adult children who want half of everything the man worked for during his life. Essentially, these adult children are trying to take their inheritance before their father has passed away. All their lives the father has given them everything, now they believe they are entitled to more. The man is having to fight a costly legal battle to keep his own money. There's a fine but crucial line between parenting and over-parenting.

When Does a Child Become an Adult?

When is it time to cut the strings, close your checkbook, and back away? Take all of these things into account when you decide exactly when your child should transition from child to adult:

There are many different expectations, not only across cultures but from one family to the next. Every family has its own culture which influences every family member's expectations. In some families, multiple generations all pitch in to live under one roof—in others, kids are expected to move out at 18 to start their own families. So there is no universal cut-off age: You'll have to look at your family's explicit and implicit assumptions and patterns for guidance.
Another thing to consider is the changing times. We used to consider all 18-year-olds adult, but recently, a new term has been added to our vocabulary for what happens between graduation from high school and eventual independence: "Emerging adulthood" is what we now call that transition period between 18-30.
Pew Research conducted a recent study that found that almost a quarter of 25-34-year-olds are still living with their parents.
"Failing to launch" is another new term that describes the inability of millions of young people—even those with jobs—to fully transition into independent adults.
Due to a difficult economic climate (the increasing cost of tuition, the stagnant minimum wage, etc.) we have a rapidly growing problem in which many young people are having a hard time gaining the self-sufficiency of adulthood.

When You Should Help Your Adult Child

Most adult children will move back home with you at least once. Usually, this happens after college. By that time, the kid should be behaving as a roommate instead of a child—cooking, cleaning, doing chores, and contributing to the household.

Our deal with our kids was they got one year after graduation before they had to start paying rent to us. In that year, they were also expected to save money for an apartment and a car. I would never let my children starve but, short of that, all life experience (easy and hard) is for their own good.

If for any reason your kids need permanent assistance (like if they have a disability or a chronic illness) and if you are their only means of support, then of course, you'll need to have other plans in place and will need to make arrangements for after you die. A financial adviser might suggest smarter ways for you to help in a way that doesn't disqualify them from social services.

Let your adult child live their own life. Do not try to save them: Let them save themselves. I guarantee when your children are older, they will appreciate the values you taught them and be better people.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: I decided to do the tough love thing and not enable my son by giving him money when he asks. We have been trying to place him on the right path for too many years. I know it’s time to step back and let him fail and hope he finally finds the right path. How do we stop the worry that he will do something terrible to himself or others?

Answer: As parents, worrying is probably one of the toughest things to overcome. I will tell you this, if you raised your child to be self-sufficient and strong, they will be ok. It doesn't mean that they won't have hardship. Hardships teach us empathy. When a person has never had hardships, they tend to have a very one-sided view of the world. Hardships build character and strength. What I want you to remember as a mom is that you want your child to experience life, part of that is hardships. The greatest people throughout history were built on hardships they overcame. While it doesn't make it any easier, maybe realizing that this is part of molding people into empathetic human beings will help you to think about this differently.

Question: We had our 24-year-old son sign a roommate agreement. We gave him three months to help out around the house, pay us his rent of $200 a month, and to either go to school or get a job, or he has to move out. Now there is almost no communication. Did we do the right thing?

Answer: Your son is 24, not 12. I don't know your son, is he capable of all the things you asked of him? Is he able to get a job? If the answer is yes, then you did the right thing. When kids first gain independence communication may be light for a while. Also, I don't know how you presented this to your son. If it was presented as "you are 24 and a loser who needs to get it together," he may be mad at you. If you presented it as "we love you, but you have to learn to survive on your own" then he has no reason to be upset. Growing pains apply to maturity and emotion as well. Your child is not your friend. You can have a close relationship with your child that is not based on your financial support.

Question: I have a twenty-eight-year-old son. He has been clean and sober for six years. He lives at home and hasn't worked in five years. He is depressed but won't get help. It is very sad. As his parent, I am heartbroken. How can I help?

Answer: I would start by giving him a reason to work, such as "starting next month you will be paying $450 a month in rent." No matter who I am talking to, if they are not engaged in physical activity (working out) or a sport, they should be. Exercise is the best cure for depression, it ups the serotonin levels in the brain. While this doesn't work for everyone, it does work for most people. Sun is also useful for depression. Many people who were career drug addicts crash into depression when they are sober. It's the inability to deal with life's challenges that spur the drug use, to begin with. At 28 he has most of his life ahead of him, it's time to live again. If you are in good physical condition, start taking him hiking, tell him you want to go but don't want to go alone. Get him moving.

Question: My 42-year-old son is homeless living on my property in a tent. I've tried to help him many times but can't. Should I just let all the worry and anxiety go?

Answer: Is having anxiety and worrying fixing the problem? If it's fixing the problem then by all means continue to feel that way. If it's not fixing the problem then it may be time to get a new perspective. Your son is 42, tent living is his choice. Maybe you should just accept his choice, let him know that you accept his choice. Then stop worrying, let him do his own thing.

Question: I have an eighteen-year-old son who has been in and out of jail since age 15. Our son was adopted from foster care at age two and diagnosed with fetal alcohol effects. He is now in jail again and is looking at a 2-7 year prison sentence. How do you help the kid who doesn't learn from his mistakes? We have never bailed him out before, but this time I want to. How do I help him get a fair trial?

Answer: Ask yourself what he is going to do when you bail him out of this mess? Is he going to walk the line or do drugs again? You can get him an attorney but chances are he will end up back in prison, and you will have wasted your money. Love your son, but realize that this is who he is. This is the life he has chosen for himself. You can be supportive without monetary compensation. Unless you believe he is completely innocent, I would leave it alone.

Question: We have a 19 year old daughter who is very headstrong, never listens, moved out 3x and came back, failed her first year in university, took a semester break and works part-time. She spends her money towards her boyfriend, eats out a lot, and pays a lot on salon care. She paid her own tuition and a little share in the house. You can't have a good conversation with her because she is always in defensive mode. She threatened to move out again, and my husband said to go ahead. She was resentful because we didn't help her pay for tuition. What shall we do?

Answer: Everything you mentioned is part of growing up. As long as your daughter is in school and working, let her do what she wants with her money. Just don't give her additional money when she asks. You don't have to micromanage your daughter. The lessons will come when she can no longer support her lifestyle. If she isn't going back to school then charge her rent. If she moves out, she moves out. I would teach her to budget though. This isn't a "parents being mean" lesson. This is a "I love you" and this will come in handy lesson.

Question: I have 2 grown daughters who both have college degrees. They don't look for work, party all night or watch TV, then sleep all day. My wife is a recovering alcoholic, and I also have 2 younger daughters who I all have to look after. What should I do as they are using my wife as a shield for their laziness and manipulative behaviour?

Answer: You are going to have a sit down with your wife and talk about your daughters' behavior. You are going to have to get her to agree that this behavior cannot go on and something needs to be done. That something is going to be putting your adult daughters under contract to live in your house. If they do not want to sign the contract and agree to your rules such as getting jobs, paying you rent, moving out in six months, then your daughters can choose to leave now. If they stay and are not holding up their end of the contract, get some boxes pack their stuff and kick them out. Even adult children want to be parented. Be a parent, not a doormat.

Question: My daughter is twenty-six-years-old, living at home, and CPS just took her three-year-old. She is on the wrong path, and I have been holding her hand every step of the way. Recently, it has started to cause my husband and I serious problems. How do I help her grow up?

Answer: If she is on drugs, get her into a treatment facility. For a lot of young women having a baby will make them more responsible. In your daughter's case, that did not happen. To have CPS take a child, that parent has to be visibly unfit. CSP usually requires parenting classes. Know that you cannot make her a better person, she has to do that on her own. You might want to back off her for a bit. If you are always fixing her problems, then she has no reason to grow up and handle them herself. Put it to her like this, "If she doesn't take care of her child, why should you take care of her?" She's an adult. If she is going to stay with you, she should be supporting herself with a job, paying you rent and taking care of her child. If she is not going to do those things, then all you are doing is helping her be irresponsible.

Question: My son is twenty-six-years-old and has never had a job. He takes one college course per semester, and he is up all night on the computer or TV, so he sleeps all day. My husband says, "you can't help him if he doesn't ask for help." I worried, and don't know what to do. How do I help him?

Answer: At one class per semester, he should graduate in about sixty years. Why isn't he working or paying rent? Your son isn't progressing because he doesn't have positive resistance. You don't have to be mean to him, but, he should have been out of your house years ago. If the two of you are ok with him staying, that's up to you. He could be working part-time and saving money for his own place. The normal rule is if you are not a full-time student, then you work. The two of you are not helping him by allowing him to cruise. Time to talk, he should be paying rent to stay there, and he should have chores, if he doesn't want to do that he can get a job and save money so he can move out.

Question: I'm trying not to be a nag, but I realized I am not trusting my adult children to make decisions. I pry into their lives and am constantly asking them what they plan to do despite them being 29, 31, and 33 years old. They don't ask for money, they live on their own, they all have jobs, but they are not living up to their potential. Two are in the restaurant business, and one has a full-time job with benefits. I see them wasting their lives away. Do you have suggestions for books that deal with unmotivated adults?

Answer: We give our children life, but it isn't our job to tell them how to use it. Happiness is not predicated on fulfilling a parent's idea of our potential. Your children are not asking you for anything; leave them alone. A person can have all the potential in the world, but that doesn't mean they want to become what you think they should become. Consider all those sports dads who pushed their kids to be athletes when the kid didn't want to play. Your scenario isn't any different. Why don't you find out what your kids' dreams are and support those? I would rather my child pursue something they love that makes them happy than to have them do what I think they should do and be miserable. Instead of working on your kids, look for personal growth opportunities for yourself. Live by example.

Question: My son is 33 and lives on his own, but I have helped him out so much with money, etc. He won't get up some days to go to work because he says he doesn't hear the alarm clock, so I will call for 30 minutes or longer to wake him up. I have paid to have his lights put back on; this has gone for years. I have been stressed to the max. Every time, I say I'm not doing it again. Please give me some ways for me to stop and let me know he will be OK. What do I need to do?

Answer: Get him a loud alarm clock, have him put it across the room so he has to get up to turn it off. Let him fix his own mistakes and figure out his own life. That doesn't mean you don't love him. It means he is a man that you are treating like a 10-year-old boy. How can he act like a man if you insist on treating him this way? If he gets into trouble, say "You are a man now, you can fix it." He has to get it together on his own. You aren't helping him; you are enabling him. Expect more, expect him to be a man.

Question: When you have an adult son who has been arrested and is in jail calling you and begging for you to bail him out and making promise after promise to never use drugs again and that he has learned his lesson, how do you stay strong and not feel so guilty for not bailing him out?

Answer: Well is this his first time in jail? For people who are truly straightened out by jail, it only takes one time for them to change their ways. If this is the second or third time, this person is giving you lip service to get out. I'm not sure why parents all feel it is necessary to bail these kids out. Parents should only feel guilty if they were involved.

Question: My 21-year-old daughter wants to move in with her boyfriend. She still has three semesters of college left. If she chooses to move out, am I right to say you need to get your car not take mine? Right now we pay her car insurance, medical insurance, and phone bill because she lives at home and goes to school. Should we still pay her expenses?

Answer: I’m not sure why she would think you are going to pay her way if she moves out. The point of moving out is taking responsibility for yourself. The only reason you would pay anything is if you promised to help with college expenses. As for the car, it’s your car. There again I’m not sure why she would think taking your car was an option. We did help our kids get their first car, they were all used vehicles, nothing fancy. Mostly bought private party. All of them had to pay us back for the car. Encourage independence in your adult child. This is an about punishing them because they won’t live their life the way you want, it’s about giving them the tools they need to succeed in life.

Question: My 19-year-old son has anger and mental health issues. I worry about him constantly. He and my husband do not get along. He cannot stay at our home. I can not afford to financially help him pay for a home. I love him so much and have tried many times to help him with his issues, with support and doctors. My husband will not let him stay in the house, and I am ready to end my marriage to go and rent a place for him and I. What should I do?

Answer: I'm not sure what you mean by anger issues. If your son is mentally unstable, then you need to get him into a facility. At 19, a lot of young men experience anger without cause. The brain doesn't stop growing until around the age of 25. Our first responsibility in life is to our children, however, once they hit a certain age, they need to be on their own. If your son graduated from high school, he needs to get a job, go to college or a trade school. If your son is working and going to school, he isn't going to be around much. If you want a divorce, then you need to do it without consideration for your son. Do not use your son or give your son that kind of power. Getting divorced should never happen because your adult child doesn't like your spouse. Your adult child didn't marry your spouse, you did. If your relationship is not working, that is one thing; if you just want a reason to leave, that is something else entirely. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Your son is not going to always be around, unless you want to support him forever. That means you are not taking care of your relationship with your husband. I don't understand why you would take the side of your son who is acting out over the husband who just wants peace in his home.

Question: My 29 year old daughter has moved back home and now stays out till the early morning hours. I feel like I am living with a 16 year old and can’t take it. What should I do? I also have an elderly mother who lives with me too.

Answer: Time to set boundaries with your daughter.

1. Curfew

2. Rent

3. Chores

4. Time limit on staying (I usually say six months)

This is your home, if she can't follow the rules, she cant stay.

Question: My 37-year-old married daughter (3 kids and pregnant) has always made her life harder than it has to be! It kills me to see her to keep running in front of that train. How do I let go? It is a selfish journey as I have trouble living a happy life knowing she is "suffering." Will she ever learn, and how do I let go?

Answer: To overcome any situation in life, a person has to learn new skills. Whatever skills your daughter presently employs, those skills are not helping her fix her problems or make better decisions. Also, she is 37 and married; her problems are her problems. Yes, she is choosing the hard road, but it is her choice. Your daughter is still alive even though she has made these decisions; don’t save her from her mistakes anymore. Let her be an adult.

Question: My 24-year-old daughter lives under the freeway. She left the house because she refuses to live with my husband who is her stepfather. He was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive to her. She swears to her sister that she hasn't been doing drugs or drinking for a while now. I am planning on leaving my husband to help her. She also thinks she has PTSD. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer: The answer to your question depends on what you want. If you are married to an abusive person then yes you should leave. If your husband messed up your daughter with his behavior, then you should help her. As for her self-diagnosis of PTSD, that needs to be determined by a professional. She may have issues from the abuse, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's PTSD. The type of help she will need is a good therapist. If she has done drugs and abused alcohol in the past, then I would caution you about the type of help you give her. You can pay to have her drug tested. If she refuses to do it, I would say she is still using. At that point, the help should be rehab and counseling.

Question: Is there a program to teach my adult son life skills? My son is 35, but when he was 13 his stepmother smoked meth with him and used him as a mule. Now he has what seems like brain damage. No GED, 2xs a year he needs help with a move or solutions to his problems. I can not help with money nor shelter. He does not fit in socially, anxiety, suicide tendencies, as well as an ex-felon. So finding work and housing is a no go. He just can not present himself well. What should I do?

Answer: Many felons have started their own businesses. He needs to find something he likes to do and do it. Mowing lawns, cleaning pools, auto detailing all good-paying jobs that work as self-employment. I don't know if classes that teach these boys how to dress and act, that is usually the job of a father/mentor.

Question: My twenty-year-old son is in the Air Force Academy for the next five years. He has a lady saying she wants to move to Colorado to be near him. They’ve only been together for six months. I am worried about his military career. Can I tell him that I’m concerned with this relationship?

Answer: Your son's relationship choices are none of your business. He is an adult, and he is going to do what he wants anyway. You could say anything you want he is not going to end that relationship unless he wants to end the relationship. Never in the history of ever has a young man stopped seeing a woman because his mommy said so. If you start telling him this relationship is a bad idea, he will hold onto it tighter. Your best option is to stay out of it.

Question: My 24-year-old son is about to be released from jail. He is homeless, jobless, and lives 1,800 miles away. Should I go there on his release date to help him figure this out and to just know that he's not alone? He voluntarily became homeless before, so that is not an issue for him, but it is for me.

Answer: What do you want to happen? Do you want to show up there, have him move in with you, have him leach off you forever? Your son is alone. That is part of being an adult. You can go there and let him know you love him. However, I would caution you not to bring him into your home.

Question: Is it ever too late to set rules with your children? My son is 24. He was arrested and against my wishes is in my custody. It will only be a misdemeanor even though I feel the punishment should be harsh. He lives with my husband (his stepfather) and I. He has made our lives miserable. He has no respect for either of us. All was good between my husband and I until we let him move in. His case is ending in a few weeks. He does not help.

Answer: It’s your house, your rules. Draw up a contract and have him sign it stating he understands your rules. If he won’t agree, maybe be should live somewhere else.

Question: What do you do if your 20 yo son graduated high school but won't leave the house for anything? He never got his license, won't get treatment for depression and ADHD. I've talked to him about setting little goals. He does work with a career counselor but he won't follow through.

Answer: Depression during adolescence is normal and unless you went through a battery of tests I wouldn’t label this child ADHD. You need to figure out what is holding this child back. Is it a motivation issue, fear, or does this child simply think you will support them forever? It helps to teach a child how to budget. I would also get those driving lessons done. Driving is part of personal independence. Without driving, your child is at the mercy of others or public transportation.

Question: Should I follow my heart and give my grandson $10,000 for a lawyer to maybe save him from going to jail for pot distribution? Or should I follow my brain and say no?

Answer: The answer is "do you think he is going to continue the behavior?" If you shell out $10,000 to keep him out of prison (which may not work anyway) is he going to turn around and sell pot again. The answer is probably yes. Now if you get him out of it and he moves to a state where it's legal, then maybe you could consider it. However, the chances are good that he will get out and get caught again at which point you are out ten grand for nothing.

One of the people I discussed in the article was a friend of mine who took out loans to keep his son out of prison for the possession of Marijuana. The kid would get out and within months, he was back in jail. Nowadays most of these people have moved to California, Nevada, or Colorado. If you do decide to bail him out, I suggest he relocate.

Question: My 33 year old daughter has just moved out of our home for the first time. She is married with a 4 year old and one on the way. She literally moved 1 mile away in a brand new home. Its been 10 days and all she does is cry and say she has anxiety about not living here. I feel bad, but at the same time, I think she is being ridiculous. How do I handle this?

Answer: First, we should never discount a person's feelings. Obviously she stayed in your home for a lot longer than most people. The security that your home brought her was something she needed. However, it also kept her from developing her own sense of security. Ask her what she is worried about? While her fear may be unrealistic, she still has it. Consider that this fear that she never faced may be driving her motivation. I'm noticing lately that the over use of social media is making this generation feel a sort of hyper insecurity about the world around them. Find out what she is worried about and then help her. We are safer in our world today than we were 20 year ago, yet we have access to an entire world full of bad news. It can be discouraging and scary.

Question: My 23-year-old son has attempted suicide three times. He uses drugs, but I want him to go to drug rehab. If he does not go to drug rehab, should I make him leave our house?

Answer: Get your son into counseling. Something is causing him to both use drugs and attempt suicide. The other option is a rehab that has integrated cognitive behavioral therapy. Just sending him to rehab alone is not going to fix his problem.

Question: I have a 42 year old son who suffered a TBI at age 11. He lived independently until he lost a job because of a DUI. He has been living with us for 6 years working sporadically. Currently has not worked in a year and a half. He does look for work but has had no response from companies. He doesn’t have good self-esteem and lacks motivation, symptoms of a TBI. How do we get him to be independent? He refuses counseling and is in denial about his injury.

Answer: Depending on the area of the Traumatic Brain Injury he may be experiencing depression and/or issues with self medication (hence the DUI). The problem with having a possible disability from a TBI is that most people just want to be normal. They don't want the TBI brought up constantly. They don't want people to look at them and think about the injury. This hinders progress especially if the person is still experiencing issues from the injury. Get your son to help others who have been through what he went through. He understands the frustrations, the anger. If he can help someone else it may help him work through what is upsetting him. If he's sitting around thinking of himself, he's not going to progress.

Question: Our daughter moved in with our grandchildren. She was in a horrible five-year marriage, had to go to a mental health facility, and was diagnosed with PTSD/bipolar disorder. She won't contact the doctor to get her meds, and I have to beg her to go to counseling. She's addicted to marijuana and her cell phone. She hasn't tried looking for a job, and lost her car. She barely watches the girls, and doesn't respect any rule in our home. Can you offer any help?

Answer: Put your daughter under written contract. Make a list of the conditions of her staying. If her PTSD is preventing her from leaving the house, there are online companies she can work for from home. Make her counseling a condition of her staying. Taking care of her children is also a condition of her staying. There are groups for battered and abused women. It would probably be a good idea for her to get involved with one of those (if that was her situation). It will give her people who have had similar experiences that are further along in their lives. Something to give her hope. Also, she needs GOALS. Now that she is away from him, she needs to consider the options in her life. An entire world has opened up to her. The reality is that if she continues to behave the way she is behaving, then her ex has won. He has ruined her and the kids and is continuing to control her. Once she sees that fact, maybe she can move on. Have her write out what her ideal life would be. For people coming from trauma, they just survive every day, they don't live. She has an opportunity to have a good life. She has to see that she has the opportunity to raise her kids in a loving caring environment. First she has to get out of that survival mode. She can do it. Make sure you are getting some time to yourself as well. Even if you go to the library for a couple hours to get away.

Question: My twenty-five-year-old daughter's fiancé is using drugs, and I can see how she is suffering emotionally and financially because of it. How should I handle her, the fiancé and this situation?

Answer: This situation will fix itself. Either he will end up in jail, or she will get tired of the behavior and leave, unless she is doing it too. In which case you are in for the roller coaster ride. She has the option to leave him. I would indeed let her know that “our door is always open if you need us to talk to her.” In other words, if she wants to walk away before the wedding, you will support her decision. People are on their best behavior before they get married, if this is his best behavior, I would hate to see his worst.

Question: I have four daughters, and one is adopted. They were all raised in the same environment, but my adopted daughter has never taken responsibility for her actions. She has lied since she was young, and stolen jewelry and money. We have given her chances, money and private schools. She cannot hold down a job. She is married, but they are homeless now and expecting a baby. I am torn. Do I simply walk away and let her deal with her decisions? My husband and her sisters say she will never change.

Answer: For some people, having a baby changes their perspective. You need to figure out what she is thinking. Does she think that she is going to raise that child living in a van? Ask questions without being judgemental. You and I both know she isn't going to be able to raise that baby in the woods. I'm assuming you love your daughter, if your other daughters were pregnant you would have a baby shower and celebrate. I don't see any reason why you wouldn't do that with this child. We NEVER walk away from our kids. We help them into self-sufficiency. That means you help them get on their feet instead of just giving them money. If her husband will get a job, then you help find them a studio apartment. The point is to get them to be self supporting. Child Protective Services can take her baby for neglect if she cannot provide for the basic needs. Even a travel trailer in a trailer park is considered housing. She needs a plan. Even if she is less than dependable, she's probably scared right now.

Question: My daughter is 22 and living out of a hotel with her boyfriend that we don't approve of, well she doesn't have money for the next week for the hotel and wants to stay on my couch for a week till she gets paid.. what should I do? She works he doesn't.. She said he'll be on the streets for a week till she gets paid.

Answer: Unless there is a reason to not trust her statements, I would let her in. Unless she she's stolen from you or given you reasons to mistrust her, I don't see why you wouldn't allow her to stay for a week.

Question: Recently for the 4th time in 8 years my son was arrested for a DWI. The husband wants to discontinue financial support and limit or perhaps eliminate contact with him until he "gets his life together" to avoid future financial and emotional drain. But we're all he has. Is there any chance this "tough love" will work in turning around a DWI prone son?

Answer: If you have been paying for his lawyer, court fees, or other things, I would stop. However, emotionally you need to pull your son in closer to you. Financially cutting him off is not the same as cutting him off emotionally. He needs to know he is loved and that is not accomplished with money.

Question: What should we do? My 17 year old just got arrested for shoplifting. She has run away several times and moved out officially 2 weeks ago. We are at a complete loss as to what to do. We found pot and alcohol in her car. She hates us and is completely devoted to her boyfriend.

Answer: First option: If that car is in your name, take it back, and sell it. She wants to play adult let her pay her way. No more cell phone, insurance, or car. Get her "Officially" moving out in writing, get a paralegal to do emancipation paperwork and have her sign it in front of a notary. As that point when she doesn't show up for her court date, it's not your issue. They will bench warrant her if she fails to appear. If you think two weeks in Juvenile hall or jail will shock her out of this, let the judge know before her court date.

Second Option: get your daughter. Threaten the boyfriend with statutory rape charges if he ever comes near her again(if that is a possibility in your state). Then once you get her home, move. I don't mean move down the block, I mean leave the state. Get her away from the people she knows.

3. Do nothing. She will probably miss her court date; it sounds like she's already involved in drugs. They will issue a bench warrant, and she will head down the path of a drug addict. Report her as a runaway. In most states, this is an offense. This also allows you to charge her boyfriend with kidnapping. (you could also threaten this and make her come home)

Any action you take is going to have to be extreme to make a difference. Parent your child. She is a child. If she thinks she's an adult make her pay her way and handle her own business. You can mix and match these ideas, you know your kid, decide what is going to work.

Question: my twenty-five-year-old daughter disowned her family. What should I do?

Answer: You can't do anything. There isn't a law that says she has to speak to the family. Leave her alone. Sometimes it takes years and a lot of life experience for a person to realize they were wrong. All you can do is wait it out. Constantly trying to contact that person usually exacerbates the situation. Besides, it is her right not to have contact with people she doesn't like. None of us should be forced to interact with people. Respect her privacy.

Question: My stepson is staying at our cabin we are trying to sell. How long should we allow him to stay there?

Answer: Obviously, if you sell the place, he is out. It's your cabin, how long do you want him there? I would have him pay rent, let him stay until it sells if you want. If you think he is undermining the sale, then I tell him it's time to go. Otherwise, just agree on rent and let it go.

Question: I have a 20 year old son and he's married. I've paid for everything and he continues not working. I've cut him off financially because this has gone on for years. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer: Stop paying his way. Let him grow up and be a man.

Question: I have a single 33 year old daughter with three children. She relocated away from our hometown to move closer to her ex-husband in another state. While there she finished her Master's degree and entered into another relationship in which she became pregnant. She cannot find work in her field. She's obviously overwhelmed. She experiences one emergency after another and never has the resources to recover and is always one step from disaster. What can I do?

Answer: You do not have to do anything. If she is not calling asking for help, then you are do not need to rush in and fix her life. Is her situation ideal? No. Her lack of resources is HER issue. She can work in most school districts with a masters degree as either a substitute or a teacher. It doesn't pay a lot but, it will give her an income with benefits. Let her fix her life. She is making bad decisions. If she got through school she is not dumb, let her figure it out.

Question: What should I do when an adult child won't take responsibility?

Answer: This is vague, so my answer may be vague. Responsibility is a mental attitude about our actions. When people don't take responsibility, it is often because they do not want to confront the part of them that makes mistakes and is wrong. We teach kids as they grow up that making mistakes is bad, yet many of us grow from our mistakes. Teaching someone that mistakes are an opportunity for growth can change their perspective. Since we all make mistakes, we can empathize rather than accuse and teach rather than preach.

Question: My daughter is nineteen. Since her boyfriend came home from school, she is sleeping at his house five days a week. I have asked her to spend more time at home, and to sleep here at least half the time. I still support her financially, and she is attending school in the fall. How do I explain to her why it's still important to be respectful enough to stay home to sleep more often?

Answer: Let us address the more important issue first. Hopefully, she is on birth control because, I think the real problem with her "sleeping over" is that she isn't sleeping. If the boyfriend is leaving after the summer, then this situation will run its course. If he is back permanently, then it may be time for her to get her own place. 18-24 is the age when the waters of independence are tested. If you try to hold her back, she will rebel. She is not going to spend her days hanging out with you when she can be with a boyfriend who makes her feel like she is on a cloud. You can't compete with that emotion. Just make sure she doesn't prematurely start a family. Letting go of your child is tough. You are in the beginning stages of her leaving for good. My advice is to take her to lunch, and start working on your adult relationship with her. Your time with her home is short.

Question: My 28-year-old son moved back home nine months ago, the goal being to get on his feet so he could move back out. He now says that I don't really understand modern day economics, and that it's almost impossible for his generation to ever own a home or even qualify for rent. How out of touch am I?

Answer: If we are talking about living in a big city, then he might be right. However, if his goal is to own a home, he should look into rural areas where the real estate is less expensive. Our oldest son just bought a house. My middle (22-years-old) son has had several jobs that paid over $7,000 a month. This is because he takes jobs no one wants, working the oil fields, tow truck driver, and now machinists with Panasonic. Youth today are looking for the cushy management position. Those positions are few and far between for people without experience. Here is the mistake people make about jobs: they only look in one area. When you want s good paying job you have to be willing to move. If he isn’t tied down with kids or a wife, now is the time when he can travel to make money. The opportunities are there; he just has to open his mind up to the possibility of moving. (No you are not out of touch).

Question: I have fallen down the rabbit hole. I pay my sons and daughter in laws' bills. I am terrified if I don't pay, they will end up homeless and live in a vehicle. She is twenty-four; he is twenty-five. Neither will hold a job. They have a four-year-old and a two-year-old. I'm terrified those babies will end up homeless if I don't keep paying. How do I get out without the grandkids being the losers?

Answer: It depends on if they are living with you or not. If you are just paying your kids bills, then you need to sit down with them and discuss how they are going to start paying their bills. I would be willing to bet that if you watch their spending, they are causing their problems.

If they live with you, they get six months to get the money together to move out. The main thing is, stop paying their way. There isn’t a way for your grandchildren to not be affected by this. The problem is that if you continue to support them, they will never learn to survive.

Question: I have enabled my 20-year-old son for years: bailed him out, paid rent for him, bought him cars, everything. He is addicted to marijuana. He is now married and I helped them get their own place, but once again, they don't have jobs and can't pay their rent. I know he and she are not being responsible and just think I am going to pay it, but I'm not. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer: Stop giving him money. You are enabling him and not teaching him how to support himself.

Question: My 28-year-old son has no manners, is rude, and made my life hell while staying at home. He has now asked me for a place to stay as he wants to divorce his wife. I have told him that I do not have a place for him, but on the other hand, I feel guilty for not helping him. He says it's only for a short while, but I know the minute he's in, he won't leave. It's caused so much anger between my husband and myself, and I am still suffering. I also suffer from anxiety issues. Please help, I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice?

Answer: Is he being abused? Probably not. Your son's desire to leave his wife is not your problem. If you suspect this will turn into a “roommate for life” situation, then you are better off not moving him in. Guilt? His love life is not under your area of responsibility. Maybe he needs a better separation plan. He’s an adult man, let him handle his own business.

Question: Two of my four sons smoke marijuana and are doing nothing with themselves. When they were young, I was very strict and am feeling like maybe I overparented them. I need some ways to get them motivated, because I have two more that are looking up to them, and there were many goals that we set together that are out the window now that they are "adults.” Only the eighteen-year-old is still in our home. I don’t want them to be failures. What should I do?

Answer: You can't stop your sons from smoking marijuana. You can keep it out of your home. Unfortunately, this is becoming a common problem for parents. The eighteen-year-old doesn't need to bring that into your house. Hopefully he has an exit plan in place. If not, it's time to have the pay rent or move out talk. No one should be smoking weed in front of your younger kids. My advice, be mean. Let your eighteen-year-old know that you are not going to have marijuana in your home. Period. Legal or not, it's your house. At least that way the eighteen-year-old will have to go somewhere else to do it, not in front of your younger kids. Also, having an older sibling do drugs is not a predictor of behavior. Your children are watching you. Be the example and keep the weed out of your house. As for fixing the kids who are smoking, if they are not in your home and they support themselves, in some states, it's legal to smoke Marijuana so as adults there isn't anything you can do. I wouldn't blame yourself for being a good parent. Doing drugs is on them. They may stop doing it after a while. Sometimes it takes a good influence outside of the home to end these behaviors.

Question: My 21yr son is living with his 17yr old girlfriend but she has a high dependent disorder amongst a few other mental health issues. When she has a bad day he doesn't go to work which is affecting his apprenticeship and work ethic. He is close to losing his job. How do we get him to see that she is damaging his future?

Answer: The truth is he is not going to get rid of her because you tell him to. She is 17 and therefore a child. She’s acting like a child, and he is treating her like a child. Unfortunately, you cannot interfere because he is not going to listen to you. What’s worse is that he will resent your involvement. Stay out of it. Is he going to blow his apprenticeship? Probably. He has to decide when he is going to stop dealing with her and get a girl friend his own age.

Question: my adult son called from jail this morning. What do I do? I am so scared for him.

Answer: Jail is a little scary, but depending on why he is there, its good that it's scary. If you can go see him, go see him. It's the middle of the week, so he will most likely be released today. I would find out what happened. Jail isn't the same as prison. Although it's not a good place, the county jail isn't going to be the cause of any physical damage (Don't tell him I said that.) Let him be scared, and let it sink in that not obeying laws puts you in awful places. Going to see him doesn't mean you bail him out. As I said, he will most likely be released today anyway. It just depends on the charge.

Question: My adult daughter, her husband, and my granddaughter are traveling to TN after losing their low rent house in OR. My son-in-law texted me for money to complete the transaction. I sent him $300. This is an ongoing thing with them. How can I help them stop this without hurting my ten-year-old granddaughter? I'm sixty-two, and not wealthy.

Answer: Identify the skill set your daughter is missing regarding her inability to support her family. Is it because she won't get a job? Is it because she doesn't have marketable skills. The thing is that low-income families have tons of vocational options through state programs. Determining her deficiency may help her onto the path of self-sufficiency.

Unfortunately, Your granddaughter is going to be front row to the hardships created by her parents. Here is the great thing about hardship, it makes us strong. Hopefully, your granddaughter will make better choices seeing the mistakes of her parents. If you are in Tennessee, then you can lend moral support to your granddaughter and be the stabling influence in her life.

Question: My 30-something is threatening to take her own life, my question is, what do I do?

Answer: Get her psychiatric help. Don't wait for the suicide attempt.

Question: when do you know when it is time to let your child go to jail for a extended period of time and be able to live with this decision?

Answer: I’m not sure I understand this question. If you have been bailing your child out of jail and paying attorneys fees repeatedly, then yes it is time to stop helping them stay out of jail. Here is how you keep from feeling guilty; has you helping them worked to keep that person from doing what they were doing to go to jail? If not then, in reality, you are not helping them. You have been reinforcing their bad behavior by letting them out of the consequences. In reality, you should feel guilty for getting them out of jail when it might have helped for them to feel the full force of the punishment.

Question: My 26yo daughter (employed) and her 30 yo husband (unemployed) live in a van with their dog b/c they haven’t been able to save and want to try van life for a year during the summer in FL. Her father and I live here too. They want us to watch their dog during the day, and we refused. They said we are the only parents who would ever refuse to help. My husband is about to disown her (we just paid for $30000 wedding last month and put her through college debt free) I feel guilty. Thoughts? Advice?

Answer: You payed $30,000 for your daughter to marry a guy who’s life plan was living in a van? Ok, well we won’t get into that too deep. It’s their dog, if you want a dog, you have to take care of it. In this case the dog is theirs so they need to take care of it. You should feel more guilty about paying for the wedding. Your daughter is taking advantage of you. Tell her to grow up and get a house if she wants pets. The dog is not choosing to live “van life” aka being homeless. Please stop giving this girl everything she wants, that’s not a relationship. You are not bank of mom.

Question: My son is 21-years-old, and not helpful or respectful. He is living with me, not going to college, feeling indifferent and not conversing with me. Should I provide him with food and car insurance?

Answer: Something is holding your son from moving forward. I'm finding more and more that this next generation coming up is afraid of the world. This may be the result of 24/7 media and information. Either way, there seems to be a disconnect. I have found in the past that whenever I have an issue with one of my kids, it helps to pull them closer and find out what's going on. The reality is that you do not know why he isn't progressing. Start by taking him somewhere that is a neutral zone. If there was something, he liked to do as a kid, like go to the lake, drag him to the lake for the day. Have a good time. Then casually open the dialog. Tell him you noticed he hasn't been himself and doesn't seem motivated; did something happen? Let him guide the conversation and listen. Is he dealing with fear, is he angry or frustrated, does he have unrealistic ideas about life? Find the problem first, then empower him to solve it. You can remove all the help you want; it's not going to fix what's broken.