Adult Children—When to Help and When to Let Them Learn

Updated on June 27, 2018

M. D. Jackson is a college psychology professor, family counselor, and a mother of nine adult children.

Knowing When to Help Adult Children

We have a standing joke in our home: When I was working toward a doctoral degree, my sons occasionally started spending money in their heads. In other words, they liked to plan what they were going to do with the money I was going to make. I always tell them that I am leaving all my money to the dolphins, so they will have to make their own ways in the world.

On some level, like all jokes, there is some truth to what I say. I expect them to have jobs, work hard, and support themselves in life. The phrase "tough love" comes to mind, but I as a college psychology professor, family counselor, and former personal loan writer, I have met many parents who spent their life savings bailing their children out of predicaments. This article is for those parents.

The first thing to do is figure out the difference between help that will actually help and help that will only hurt your kids. Below, you'll find sections that answer these main questions:

What can you do when your grown kids are making bad decisions and end up in trouble—romantically, financially, emotionally, or with the law?
How can you help your adult child become financially independent?
When is it time to cut the apron strings and close your checkbook?
When is it okay to step in and help?

Adult Children Who Make Bad Choices

When Your Grown Kid Makes Bad Decisions

There is a big difference between trying to fix your adult child's ongoing, self-created problems and helping a kid face a life crisis. An adult child who makes a poor decision—like a daughter who buys a Coach purse instead of paying her bills, or a son who gambles with his rent money—should learn from that decision. But then there are real family crises—auto accidents, illnesses, layoffs, house fires, the list goes on—when families should work together.

When Your Adult Child Does Not Listen to Your Good Advice

You're saying all the right things to your adult child, but for some reason, they just don't listen. What can you do? Well, the answer depends on whether or not you are supporting your child financially.

If you're not giving them money, then you're not entitled to them advice unless they ask for it or to try to prevent a serious mistake. This will allow you to save your breath for when the advice might be heard and make a difference.
If you are financially supporting your adult child, then you still have a say in how their time and money is spent. Spend that money and advice wisely. For example, if you want your child to go to college, then offer to continue funding them while they do so (and if you don't want them to drop out of college, then make it clear that your financial support will end if they don't attend).

So unless you're paying the bills, you don't get any say in how your adult child conducts their life.

What to Do When an Adult Child Calls From Jail

You get a call at 1 a.m. that your adult child is in jail. After hearing the sob story about drunken driving, drug possession, or some other involvement in illegal activity, many parents will rush to bail their child out of jail. Many parents go as far as taking out loans to get adult children out of jail. Why? A friend of mine repeatedly hocked his vehicles to keep his son out of jail for possession of an illegal substance. Even though he knows he is enabling this child, he refuses to stop and let his son feel the consequences of his actions.

In our family, I have made it clear that if one of my children does something illegal, they better not call me. They know I will not bail them out.

Your child is an adult. They should be responsible for their actions. If you bail them out of jail and put yourself in financial dire straits, you are teaching them that you will always be there to fix their problems and willingly suffer for their mistakes.

There is another very good reason to NOT hock the farm for bail: Chances are that adult child is going to continue the behavior that put them in jail. They swear it will never happen again, and you want to believe. Every parent wants to believe the best about their child, but it's your job to know the difference between fantasy and reality.

If your child is headed down a dark path, you can be a light and an example, but do not save them from their consequences. Protecting a child from their own mistakes means that you do not think they can handle the situation on their own. If that is what you believe, then you need to admit how you participated in creating the problem.

To learn about how to set appropriate boundaries for adult kids who live at home, read How to Create House Rules for Adult Children.

Adult Children Who Are Still Dependent on You

What to Do When an Adult Child Asks for Money

Many young adults today seem to have the idea that mom and dad are made of money, so they can spend carelessly. This is the child who gets a new tattoo or a new phone, splurges on a fancy part for a vehicle, buys new clothes, purchases frivolous items for their apartment (or worse—gets a brand new vehicle), then asks you to pay their rent.

Learning to handle money never killed anyone. If your daughter's vehicle gets repossessed because she cannot pay, it will only hurt her credit. This type of lesson is important. If you protect your children from these lessons, they will never learn how money works, and they will continue to lean on you for help.

Case in point:

My oldest son earned his first vehicle. He learned to fix the old Bronco himself and he took care of it (you could have eaten off the floors in that thing). I was very proud of him. Eventually, the Bronco needed work that would be too costly so he decided to trade it in for something newer. He needed a co-signer, so he called me. My deal with him was that I would co-sign, but if I had to start making payments, I was going to take the vehicle. When he lost his job, he called me to say he could no longer make the payments, so I came and got the vehicle. It doesn’t matter that I don’t drive a stick shift or that I did not like the car, I took it on principle. He was not mad because I made it clear from the beginning that I was not going to buy him a car. (He has a car and a job now, by the way.)

Too many parents base their relationships with their kids on money, out of fear that if they don't, their child will not have anything to do with them. That’s right, your actions are not driven by love but by fear. This is a trap for everyone involved. If you have been a good and loving parent, you need not worry about your adult children never calling. As they grow up, they will drift away for short spells. This is a natural part of becoming adults. They will call, and you will have great conversations about their kids and life.

Questions to Ask Before You Give Money to Your Adult Child

Ask yourself: Can I afford it? This should always be your first consideration. If you have plenty of money, you might want to help them out, then continue to question #2. But if you can't afford to help them without damage to your own financial health, then just say no.
Ask yourself: Will this money actually help? Is this a short-term crisis or a chronic condition? Is it a temporary or a permanent need? If your financial assistance will solve the problem now, then move on to question #3, but if it won't, consider helping them find other solutions.
Ask yourself: Will this money be used responsibly? Will help pay for something important or will it be used on frivolous items? Is it for something they need or do they just want it? Is your child following a budget? If your help will not be spent responsibly, then don't give it.
Ask yourself: Is there something else I could do to help? Sometimes, you can offer another kind of help instead of giving money. Maybe you can offer to watch your grandkids while your adult child looks for a job.
Ask yourself: Will it help them gain future independence? Some gifts are money well spent. Investments in furthering education and funding business ventures are smarter than helping your child take a nice vacation, no matter how desperately that vacation is needed.
Ask yourself: Is this a pattern? If you have gotten into a habit of funding your adult child, or if you perhaps even pride yourself on continuing to pay for them, it's probably not healthy or sustainable. It may be time for both you and your adult child to grow up, break the cycle of dependence, and find other ways to maintain your relationship.
Ask your adult child: Is this a gift or is it a loan? It's important that both of you get your expectations straight. You may expect to be repaid while your adult child is secretly hoping you'll forget all about it. Transparency is key.
Ask your kid: When will you pay me back? Part of being an adult is keeping promises. Discuss a repayment schedule and make plans for what will happen if those dates are broken.
Ask your kid: Are you going to ask me for money again? Don't get into an unspoken ongoing financial agreement. Have explicit discussions about your financial expectations.

Note: If you want your kid to stop asking you for handouts, the biggest mistake is to say "no" and then let them whine and cry and guilt you into it. This is precisely why people play slot machines: there's always a chance it will pay off! Better to say "no" and stick to it. Saying "no" clearly and firmly is sometimes the best thing you can do for your child.

"Emerging Adulthood" Happens Between Ages 18-30

Pew Research conducted a recent study that found that almost a quarter of 25-34-year-olds are still living with their parents.

But What if Parents Have the Money to Help?

What happens when you have money and your children never have to work for anything? They become useless, incapable, entitled adults who have no concept of real work. When a wealthy, enabling parent dies, their kids waste their inheritance on stupid things until it's gone and then they have no idea how to function.

Part of being an adult is paying your own way in life. Let your children have their own dreams and let them work to accomplish them. Make your children work for something. When you prevent your child from working, then they never learn to make it on their own. Let them help the homeless and do charity work even if—especially if—you have money.

Case in point:

A 44-year-old woman came into my personal loan office one day. She was beside herself in tears. Her father, a famous heart surgeon, had so much money that even until the day he died he was sending her checks. After he died, all the money went to his 28-year-old trophy wife. His daughter admitted that her father ruined her. She said “He never made me do anything, so I never learned to live.”

Why Shouldn't a Parent Help Their Child Financially?

When a person works hard for something, they appreciate it, but when something is given, they do not feel a sense of responsibility for it. This is even true with college, where I currently teach. Most of the students who work hard in part-time jobs and for scholarships will appreciate their education, whereas those whose parents pay for their school are much more likely to drop out.

Some parents say they want their children to have things easier than they had. Well why would you want that when you turned out so well? Children need to experience hardships, they need to know the world is not fair, and sometimes life sucks. Why?

Until you know pain you do not appreciate health,

until you know poverty you can not appreciate wealth,

until you know failure you can not appreciate an accomplishment,

and until you work for something you can not take pride in owning it.

Do not rob your kids of these experiences. Be there for them with love and moral support, not to fix their mistakes and/or hand them your checkbook.

Case in point:

Years ago, I had an employee who was extremely emotional. She would cry uncontrollably over dogs that had died 20 years ago, and publicly share intimate details of her relationships without solicitation. Her whole life, her parents had taken care of her every need. At the age of 45, she moved back in with her parents. I can't tell you what happened to her, but I can tell you that I had to let her go from a part-time job.

These days, the biggest danger facing retirees, the one thing they haven't planned for, is having to support adult children and grandchildren.

How You Can Help an Adult Child Without Spoiling Them

When your adult child calls with a problem, talk them through it. Discuss their resources and options.
Reinforce your child's intelligence with affirming statements such as "You are smart, and I'm sure you will figure this out," or "You are strong enough to handle this."
Help them think logically. Let them decide what their best option is based on the resources available.
It's tempting to send money. Who doesn't want to help the people around them? But you are not here to fix the lives of your children, you are here to teach them to stand on their own and think for themselves.

What if You Always Help Them?

When an adult child is dependent, it creates a negative relationship between the child and parent. The child resents the parent rather than respecting the parent. If you had to rely on someone else for everything, you might start to resent them as well. The adult child starts to expect the parent to fix their life, thus creating stress for the parent. Eventually life situations implode from this scenario.

Case in point:

Years ago I knew a family where the daughter was constantly in and out of the parents house. The adult daughter wasn't on drugs but, she refused to take responsibility for herself or her own children. The adult daughter left her kids for days at a time with her parents until she finally stopped coming home. By taking on the daughters responsibilities the parents took over all the responsibilities for the grand kids.

Case in point:

An elderly couple is currently in a court battle with the husbands adult children who want half of everything the man worked during his life. Essentially, these adult children are trying to take their inheritance before their father has passed away. All their lives the father has given them everything, now they believe they are entitled to more. The man is having to fight a costly legal battle to keep his own money. There's a fine but crucial line between parenting and over-parenting.

Adults Who Still Act Like Children

When Does a Child Become an Adult?

When is it time to cut the strings, close your checkbook, and back away? Take all of these things into account when you decide exactly when your child should transition from child to adult:

There are many different expectations, not only across cultures but from one family to the next. Every family has its own culture which influences every family member's expectations. In some families, multiple generations all pitch in to live under one roof—in others, kids are expected to move out at 18 to start their own families. So there is no universal cut-off age: You'll have to look at your family's explicit and implicit assumptions and patterns for guidance.
Another thing to consider is the changing times. We used to consider all 18-year-olds adult, but recently, a new term has been added to our vocabulary for what happens between graduation from high school and eventual independence: "Emerging adulthood" is what we now call that transition period between 18-30.
Pew Research conducted a recent study that found that almost a quarter of 25-34-year-olds are still living with their parents.
"Failing to launch" is another new term that describes the inability of millions of young people—even those with jobs—to fully transition into independent adults.
Due to a difficult economic climate (the increasing cost of tuition, the stagnant minimum wage, etc.) we have a rapidly growing problem in which many young people are having a hard time gaining the self-sufficiency of adulthood.

What Kind of Help Is Actually Helpful?

When You Should Help Your Adult Child

Most adult children will move back home with you at least once. Usually, this happens after college. By that time, the kid should be behaving as a roommate instead of a child—cooking, cleaning, doing chores, and contributing to the household.

Our deal with our kids was they got one year after graduation before they had to start paying rent to us. In that year, they were also expected to save money for an apartment and a car. I would never let my children starve but, short of that, all life experience (easy and hard) is for their own good.

If for any reason your kids need permanent assistance (like if they have a disability or a chronic illness) and if you are their only means of support, then of course, you'll need to have other plans in place and will need to make arrangements for after you die. A financial adviser might suggest smarter ways for you to help in a way that doesn't disqualify them from social services.

Let your adult child live their own life. Do not try to save them: Let them save themselves. I guarantee when your children are older, they will appreciate the values you taught them and be better people.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question:
I decided to do the tough love thing and not enable my son by giving him money when he asks. We have been trying to place him on the right path for too many years. I know it’s time to step back and let him fail and hope he finally finds the right path. How do we stop the worry that he will do something terrible to himself or others?
Answer:
As parents, worrying is probably one of the toughest things to overcome. I will tell you this, if you raised your child to be self-sufficient and strong, they will be ok. It doesn't mean that they won't have hardship. Hardships teach us empathy. When a person has never had hardships, they tend to have a very one-sided view of the world. Hardships build character and strength. What I want you to remember as a mom is that you want your child to experience life, part of that is hardships. The greatest people throughout history were built on hardships they overcame. While it doesn't make it any easier, maybe realizing that this is part of molding people into empathetic human beings will help you to think about this differently.
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Question:
We had our 24-year-old son sign a roommate agreement. We gave him three months to help out around the house, pay us his rent of $200 a month, and to either go to school or get a job, or he has to move out. Now there is almost no communication. Did we do the right thing?
Answer:
Your son is 24, not 12. I don't know your son, is he capable of all the things you asked of him? Is he able to get a job? If the answer is yes, then you did the right thing. When kids first gain independence communication may be light for a while. Also, I don't know how you presented this to your son. If it was presented as "you are 24 and a loser who needs to get it together," he may be mad at you. If you presented it as "we love you, but you have to learn to survive on your own" then he has no reason to be upset. Growing pains apply to maturity and emotion as well. Your child is not your friend. You can have a close relationship with your child that is not based on your financial support.
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Question:
I have a twenty-eight-year-old son. He has been clean and sober for six years. He lives at home and hasn't worked in five years. He is depressed but won't get help. It is very sad. As his parent, I am heartbroken. How can I help?
Answer:
I would start by giving him a reason to work, such as "starting next month you will be paying $450 a month in rent." No matter who I am talking to, if they are not engaged in physical activity (working out) or a sport, they should be. Exercise is the best cure for depression, it ups the serotonin levels in the brain. While this doesn't work for everyone, it does work for most people. Sun is also useful for depression. Many people who were career drug addicts crash into depression when they are sober. It's the inability to deal with life's challenges that spur the drug use, to begin with. At 28 he has most of his life ahead of him, it's time to live again. If you are in good physical condition, start taking him hiking, tell him you want to go but don't want to go alone. Get him moving.
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Question:
My 42-year-old son is homeless living on my property in a tent. I've tried to help him many times but can't. Should I just let all the worry and anxiety go?
Answer:
Is having anxiety and worrying fixing the problem? If it's fixing the problem then by all means continue to feel that way. If it's not fixing the problem then it may be time to get a new perspective. Your son is 42, tent living is his choice. Maybe you should just accept his choice, let him know that you accept his choice. Then stop worrying, let him do his own thing.
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Question:
I have an eighteen-year-old son who has been in and out of jail since age 15. Our son was adopted from foster care at age two and diagnosed with fetal alcohol effects. He is now in jail again and is looking at a 2-7 year prison sentence. How do you help the kid who doesn't learn from his mistakes? We have never bailed him out before, but this time I want to. How do I help him get a fair trial?
Answer:
Ask yourself what he is going to do when you bail him out of this mess? Is he going to walk the line or do drugs again? You can get him an attorney but chances are he will end up back in prison, and you will have wasted your money. Love your son, but realize that this is who he is. This is the life he has chosen for himself. You can be supportive without monetary compensation. Unless you believe he is completely innocent, I would leave it alone.
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Question:
We have a 19 year old daughter who is very headstrong, never listens, moved out 3x and came back, failed her first year in university, took a semester break and works part-time. She spends her money towards her boyfriend, eats out a lot, and pays a lot on salon care. She paid her own tuition and a little share in the house. You can't have a good conversation with her because she is always in defensive mode. She threatened to move out again, and my husband said to go ahead. She was resentful because we didn't help her pay for tuition. What shall we do?
Answer:
Everything you mentioned is part of growing up. As long as your daughter is in school and working, let her do what she wants with her money. Just don't give her additional money when she asks. You don't have to micromanage your daughter. The lessons will come when she can no longer support her lifestyle. If she isn't going back to school then charge her rent. If she moves out, she moves out. I would teach her to budget though. This isn't a "parents being mean" lesson. This is a "I love you" and this will come in handy lesson.
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Question:
I have 2 grown daughters who both have college degrees. They don't look for work, party all night or watch TV, then sleep all day. My wife is a recovering alcoholic, and I also have 2 younger daughters who I all have to look after. What should I do as they are using my wife as a shield for their laziness and manipulative behaviour?
Answer:
You are going to have a sit down with your wife and talk about your daughters' behavior. You are going to have to get her to agree that this behavior cannot go on and something needs to be done. That something is going to be putting your adult daughters under contract to live in your house. If they do not want to sign the contract and agree to your rules such as getting jobs, paying you rent, moving out in six months, then your daughters can choose to leave now. If they stay and are not holding up their end of the contract, get some boxes pack their stuff and kick them out. Even adult children want to be parented. Be a parent, not a doormat.
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Question:
My daughter is twenty-six-years-old, living at home, and CPS just took her three-year-old. She is on the wrong path, and I have been holding her hand every step of the way. Recently, it has started to cause my husband and I serious problems. How do I help her grow up?
Answer:
If she is on drugs, get her into a treatment facility. For a lot of young women having a baby will make them more responsible. In your daughter's case, that did not happen. To have CPS take a child, that parent has to be visibly unfit. CSP usually requires parenting classes. Know that you cannot make her a better person, she has to do that on her own. You might want to back off her for a bit. If you are always fixing her problems, then she has no reason to grow up and handle them herself. Put it to her like this, "If she doesn't take care of her child, why should you take care of her?" She's an adult. If she is going to stay with you, she should be supporting herself with a job, paying you rent and taking care of her child. If she is not going to do those things, then all you are doing is helping her be irresponsible.
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Question:
My son is twenty-six-years-old and has never had a job. He takes one college course per semester, and he is up all night on the computer or TV, so he sleeps all day. My husband says, "you can't help him if he doesn't ask for help." I worried, and don't know what to do. How do I help him?
Answer:
At one class per semester, he should graduate in about sixty years. Why isn't he working or paying rent? Your son isn't progressing because he doesn't have positive resistance. You don't have to be mean to him, but, he should have been out of your house years ago. If the two of you are ok with him staying, that's up to you. He could be working part-time and saving money for his own place. The normal rule is if you are not a full-time student, then you work. The two of you are not helping him by allowing him to cruise. Time to talk, he should be paying rent to stay there, and he should have chores, if he doesn't want to do that he can get a job and save money so he can move out.
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Question:
I'm trying not to be a nag, but I realized I am not trusting my adult children to make decisions. I pry into their lives and am constantly asking them what they plan to do despite them being 29, 31, and 33 years old. They don't ask for money, they live on their own, they all have jobs, but they are not living up to their potential. Two are in the restaurant business, and one has a full-time job with benefits. I see them wasting their lives away. Do you have suggestions for books that deal with unmotivated adults?
Answer:
We give our children life, but it isn't our job to tell them how to use it. Happiness is not predicated on fulfilling a parent's idea of our potential. Your children are not asking you for anything; leave them alone. A person can have all the potential in the world, but that doesn't mean they want to become what you think they should become. Consider all those sports dads who pushed their kids to be athletes when the kid didn't want to play. Your scenario isn't any different. Why don't you find out what your kids' dreams are and support those? I would rather my child pursue something they love that makes them happy than to have them do what I think they should do and be miserable. Instead of working on your kids, look for personal growth opportunities for yourself. Live by example.
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Question:
My son is 33 and lives on his own, but I have helped him out so much with money, etc. He won't get up some days to go to work because he says he doesn't hear the alarm clock, so I will call for 30 minutes or longer to wake him up. I have paid to have his lights put back on; this has gone for years. I have been stressed to the max. Every time, I say I'm not doing it again. Please give me some ways for me to stop and let me know he will be OK. What do I need to do?
Answer:
Get him a loud alarm clock, have him put it across the room so he has to get up to turn it off. Let him fix his own mistakes and figure out his own life. That doesn't mean you don't love him. It means he is a man that you are treating like a 10-year-old boy. How can he act like a man if you insist on treating him this way? If he gets into trouble, say "You are a man now, you can fix it." He has to get it together on his own. You aren't helping him; you are enabling him. Expect more, expect him to be a man.
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Question:
When you have an adult son who has been arrested and is in jail calling you and begging for you to bail him out and making promise after promise to never use drugs again and that he has learned his lesson, how do you stay strong and not feel so guilty for not bailing him out?
Answer:
Well is this his first time in jail? For people who are truly straightened out by jail, it only takes one time for them to change their ways. If this is the second or third time, this person is giving you lip service to get out. I'm not sure why parents all feel it is necessary to bail these kids out. Parents should only feel guilty if they were involved.
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Question:
My 21-year-old daughter wants to move in with her boyfriend. She still has three semesters of college left. If she chooses to move out, am I right to say you need to get your car not take mine? Right now we pay her car insurance, medical insurance, and phone bill because she lives at home and goes to school. Should we still pay her expenses?
Answer:
I’m not sure why she would think you are going to pay her way if she moves out. The point of moving out is taking responsibility for yourself. The only reason you would pay anything is if you promised to help with college expenses. As for the car, it’s your car. There again I’m not sure why she would think taking your car was an option. We did help our kids get their first car, they were all used vehicles, nothing fancy. Mostly bought private party. All of them had to pay us back for the car. Encourage independence in your adult child. This is an about punishing them because they won’t live their life the way you want, it’s about giving them the tools they need to succeed in life.
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Question:
My 37-year-old married daughter (3 kids and pregnant) has always made her life harder than it has to be! It kills me to see her to keep running in front of that train. How do I let go? It is a selfish journey as I have trouble living a happy life knowing she is "suffering." Will she ever learn, and how do I let go?
Answer:
To overcome any situation in life, a person has to learn new skills. Whatever skills your daughter presently employs, those skills are not helping her fix her problems or make better decisions. Also, she is 37 and married; her problems are her problems. Yes, she is choosing the hard road, but it is her choice. Your daughter is still alive even though she has made these decisions; don’t save her from her mistakes anymore. Let her be an adult.
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Question:
My 29 year old daughter has moved back home and now stays out till the early morning hours. I feel like I am living with a 16 year old and can’t take it. What should I do? I also have an elderly mother who lives with me too.
Answer:
Time to set boundaries with your daughter.
1. Curfew
2. Rent
3. Chores
4. Time limit on staying (I usually say six months)
This is your home, if she can't follow the rules, she cant stay.
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Question:
My 19-year-old son has anger and mental health issues. I worry about him constantly. He and my husband do not get along. He cannot stay at our home. I can not afford to financially help him pay for a home. I love him so much and have tried many times to help him with his issues, with support and doctors. My husband will not let him stay in the house, and I am ready to end my marriage to go and rent a place for him and I. What should I do?
Answer:
I'm not sure what you mean by anger issues. If your son is mentally unstable, then you need to get him into a facility. At 19, a lot of young men experience anger without cause. The brain doesn't stop growing until around the age of 25. Our first responsibility in life is to our children, however, once they hit a certain age, they need to be on their own. If your son graduated from high school, he needs to get a job, go to college or a trade school. If your son is working and going to school, he isn't going to be around much. If you want a divorce, then you need to do it without consideration for your son. Do not use your son or give your son that kind of power. Getting divorced should never happen because your adult child doesn't like your spouse. Your adult child didn't marry your spouse, you did. If your relationship is not working, that is one thing; if you just want a reason to leave, that is something else entirely. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Your son is not going to always be around, unless you want to support him forever. That means you are not taking care of your relationship with your husband. I don't understand why you would take the side of your son who is acting out over the husband who just wants peace in his home.
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Question:
My 24-year-old daughter lives under the freeway. She left the house because she refuses to live with my husband who is her stepfather. He was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive to her. She swears to her sister that she hasn't been doing drugs or drinking for a while now. I am planning on leaving my husband to help her. She also thinks she has PTSD. Am I doing the right thing?
Answer:
The answer to your question depends on what you want. If you are married to an abusive person then yes you should leave. If your husband messed up your daughter with his behavior, then you should help her. As for her self-diagnosis of PTSD, that needs to be determined by a professional. She may have issues from the abuse, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's PTSD. The type of help she will need is a good therapist. If she has done drugs and abused alcohol in the past, then I would caution you about the type of help you give her. You can pay to have her drug tested. If she refuses to do it, I would say she is still using. At that point, the help should be rehab and counseling.
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Question:
My son recently graduated college, and he's moving to Ohio. Should I go with him to show support, or let him go it alone? I feel guilty for not going with him to a new place.
Answer:
You should go only if he asks you to go. Otherwise just tell him how proud you are and move on.
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Question:
Our 18 year old daughter wants to travel to the USA to meet an online boyfriend. In Australia you are a legal adult at 18. She does not have a part time job, we support her financially 100%. She is smart; doing well at school & understands all our concerns, but tells us she is still going. She spends all her spare time chatting with him online & has made threats of "running away". How do we keep her from making a bad decision without losing her?
Answer:
Online relationships are scary for parents. You should be able to find out everything from criminal background to family situations online. I would check this person out completely. If she wants to go, you cant stop her but you also don't have to pay for her to leave. Like Australia, the United States is a big place and I'm completely with you that this is a bad idea. Here is a possible solution: have this boy come meet you in Australia first. If he is serious about your daughter it shouldn't be a problem for him to come visit. At times we know our kids are making bad decisions and we fight them only to have them push harder to do what they want. Stop fighting her, invite the boy to Australia and see if he fights that idea. If he won't come to see her, then this may be a scam. If the boy comes out to see her, you might like him, or you might not like him. At least then you will know it is a real person.
Helpful 3
Question:
My son was adopted at the age of six due to my addiction. He is 19. He relapsed and got caught. Well, he posted something on Snapchat about an ecstasy dealer, and I told his adopted mom. He then texted me verbally abusing me and calling me names. My question is, he is graduating Sunday, and I thought that I do not want to go. I feel it's important to set that boundary that he cannot treat me like that. Am I wrong for not going?
Answer:
This question is more about what you will regret more. Will you regret not being at the graduation? Kids say things to their parents in anger. Considering your personal history with this child it’s not surprising. Even if you don’t talk to him, you should go to the graduation.
Helpful 10
Question:
My new husband and I want to help my alcoholic, 28-year-old, homeless daughter to move into our new house so she can help babysit her 4-year-old son. She refuses rehab, anger management classes, and self-medicates with marijuana which helps her mood swings. What is the best way we can help our daughter recover, become responsible, find a job and save for a place of her own as well as regain custody of her son?
Answer:
What you are planning to do is set yourself and your daughter up to fail. If you move your daughter in without getting her clean, your life is going to become a circus of enabling her on a daily basis. She does not want to help herself if she refuses all the things you described. The only situation you are fixing by moving her in is that she won't be homeless. You want her to get he act together? Allow her to visit and allow her to shower for job interviews. If she wants back in your home, require her to stop drinking. If she gets mad and won't stop, then she's not ready to change. You can't make her change. You can stop enabling the behavior. Additionally, anyone who needs anger management should not be around a child unsupervised. One day your daughter may regret this time in her life, she may straighten out. Today is not that day. Until then, you have the option to stop rewarding her extreme behavior.
Helpful 4
Question:
What should I do when an adult child won't take responsibility?
Answer:
This is vague, so my answer may be vague. Responsibility is a mental attitude about our actions. When people don't take responsibility, it is often because they do not want to confront the part of them that makes mistakes and is wrong. We teach kids as they grow up that making mistakes is bad, yet many of us grow from our mistakes. Teaching someone that mistakes are an opportunity for growth can change their perspective. Since we all make mistakes, we can empathize rather than accuse and teach rather than preach.
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Question:
19 yr old daughter with anxiety & ADHD moved in with a twenty-eight-year-old bipolar guy with anxiety. She doesn't make much money, and he doesn't have a job. We don't want her to end up in jail. She's very naive, and seems afraid to ask him too many questions. She doesn't want to move back home. I've only met him once, and now she says he doesn't like to socialize. My husband's never met him, and we're not allowed over to their place. We only get to see her when she visits. What can we do to keep her safe?
Answer:
She has to keep herself safe. If she’s coming to your home alone to visit, ask her if there abuse happening. You know your daughter, you will know if she’s lying. Ask her questions, is she happy? People who have personality disorders often view themselves as not worthy of love and settle on whoever will have them. There is a difference between being happy and just settling. She may be fine other than she isn’t happy. Leave the door open for her. Tell her if things are bad she can come home.
Helpful 10
Question:
Our 30 year old daughter has an 18 month old. Father was never in the picture. She lived with us through the pregnancy and we took care of her. When the baby was 1 they moved to their own apt I left my job to be a full-time caregiver to my granddaughter. Just found out my daughter is allowing her boyfriend of a few months to live with her. We do not want this. What can we do or say to her?
Answer:
Nothing. Your daughter is 30. Your approval or disapproval is irrelevant. People have to make their own mistakes. At 30 years old she is too old for you to try and control. I realize you made sacrifices for you grandchild and daughter, however those sacrifices do not give you power over her. You want find out about this boyfriend, have them over for a family dinner. Get to know him. Be kind. If it doesn't work out she will have to kick him out. Just know that the more you protest the more she will cling to the idea of this man.
Helpful
Question:
Should I kick my forty-year-old daughter and five kids out of the house? They’ve destroyed it, and my daughter is hardly at home. I’m constantly doing her job with my grandkids, and I’m tired.
Answer:
I think it’s time to sit down and discuss her plan for moving out and paying for damages. If she has been living with you rent free, she should be saving to move out. It sounds like you have become the babysitter for your grandchildren. Have her sign a contract that she will pay rent, pay for the following damages, and be out of your house in six months.
Helpful 8
Question:
My adult daughter moved home six years ago, but my husband doesn't accept rent from her or payments for utilities. She messed up her T-score test for acceptance into a nursing program. She works two jobs but refuses to move out of our house because she is afraid of being alone. What should I do?
Answer:
The TEAS score test can be taken twice a year. If she wants to enter a nursing program, then she should be studying for the test. Some people hit a stumbling block in their plan and just quit an idea. If she wants to be a nurse, she needs to study and retake the test. As for being in your home for six years, by now she should have the money for the down payment on a house. The problem you have is not her; it's your husband. You need to get him on board with the idea of her moving out. Once he is on board, you sit her down, and she has six months to save the money to move out. She needs to go live her own life. It's time.
Helpful 3
Question:
Our eighteen-year-old daughter moved out last month because she does not want to live with the house rules and has a new boyfriend. She rents a room with her best friend whose father only charges her a couple of hundred dollars a month. She was approved for a government student loan, and is now spending out-of-control for her boyfriend's gas, allowance, and food. She now wants to introduce him to us. We taught her to save when she was young. What shall we do?
Answer:
Meet her boyfriend. Your daughter is out on her own for the first time. That situation comes with a learning curve. The things you taught her will kick in, or she will learn. There is nothing for you to do except keep a relationship with her. If she wants you to meet the boyfriend, meet him. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Her spending is not your problem at this point. You need to let her decide who she is without interference. Hopefully, the boyfriend is a good person.
Helpful 3
Question:
My 20 year old daughter moves out every time she doesn’t want to follow the rules in my home. She has gone back and forth like this for years. With jobs, if something goes wrong, she quits! Well she asked today: "Can I move back in?" I said no you need to work out the argument with your dad; you can’t always run from the problem! I feel bad she works and goes to college but I’m not teaching her anything by letting her leave or comeback whenever anything goes wrong! What do I do and say ??
Answer:
It sounds like your daughter has developed a habit of playing her parents against each other. Doing the “I’ll just go live with Dad/Mom” is a form of emotional blackmail. You are right to stop giving into it. Your daughter is making her own rules and using the two of you to her advantage. Stick to your words. If she gets upset because you won’t let her move in, be honest, she doesn’t want to live by your house rules. You have had there before, and she showed you that she has no intention of following your rules, therefore, she can either stay with her Dad or get her own place. This doesn’t mean you don’t love her, it just means that you are not going to be her doormat. Time to grow up.
Helpful 3
Question:
My daughter is nineteen. Since her boyfriend came home from school, she is sleeping at his house five days a week. I have asked her to spend more time at home, and to sleep here at least half the time. I still support her financially, and she is attending school in the fall. How do I explain to her why it's still important to be respectful enough to stay home to sleep more often?
Answer:
Let us address the more important issue first. Hopefully, she is on birth control because, I think the real problem with her "sleeping over" is that she isn't sleeping. If the boyfriend is leaving after the summer, then this situation will run its course. If he is back permanently, then it may be time for her to get her own place. 18-24 is the age when the waters of independence are tested. If you try to hold her back, she will rebel. She is not going to spend her days hanging out with you when she can be with a boyfriend who makes her feel like she is on a cloud. You can't compete with that emotion. Just make sure she doesn't prematurely start a family. Letting go of your child is tough. You are in the beginning stages of her leaving for good. My advice is to take her to lunch, and start working on your adult relationship with her. Your time with her home is short.
Helpful 17
Question:
I have fallen down the rabbit hole. I pay my sons and daughter in laws' bills. I am terrified if I don't pay, they will end up homeless and live in a vehicle. She is twenty-four; he is twenty-five. Neither will hold a job. They have a four-year-old and a two-year-old. I'm terrified those babies will end up homeless if I don't keep paying. How do I get out without the grandkids being the losers?
Answer:
It depends on if they are living with you or not. If you are just paying your kids bills, then you need to sit down with them and discuss how they are going to start paying their bills. I would be willing to bet that if you watch their spending, they are causing their problems.
If they live with you, they get six months to get the money together to move out. The main thing is, stop paying their way. There isn’t a way for your grandchildren to not be affected by this. The problem is that if you continue to support them, they will never learn to survive.
Helpful 14
Question:
My 28-year-old son moved back home nine months ago, the goal being to get on his feet so he could move back out. He now says that I don't really understand modern day economics, and that it's almost impossible for his generation to ever own a home or even qualify for rent. How out of touch am I?
Answer:
If we are talking about living in a big city, then he might be right. However, if his goal is to own a home, he should look into rural areas where the real estate is less expensive. Our oldest son just bought a house. My middle (22-years-old) son has had several jobs that paid over $7,000 a month. This is because he takes jobs no one wants, working the oil fields, tow truck driver, and now machinists with Panasonic. Youth today are looking for the cushy management position. Those positions are few and far between for people without experience. Here is the mistake people make about jobs: they only look in one area. When you want s good paying job you have to be willing to move. If he isn’t tied down with kids or a wife, now is the time when he can travel to make money. The opportunities are there; he just has to open his mind up to the possibility of moving. (No you are not out of touch).
Helpful 14
Question:
My 21yr son is living with his 17yr old girlfriend but she has a high dependent disorder amongst a few other mental health issues. When she has a bad day he doesn't go to work which is affecting his apprenticeship and work ethic. He is close to losing his job. How do we get him to see that she is damaging his future?
Answer:
The truth is he is not going to get rid of her because you tell him to. She is 17 and therefore a child. She’s acting like a child, and he is treating her like a child. Unfortunately, you cannot interfere because he is not going to listen to you. What’s worse is that he will resent your involvement. Stay out of it. Is he going to blow his apprenticeship? Probably. He has to decide when he is going to stop dealing with her and get a girl friend his own age.
Helpful 13
Question:
My 30-something is threatening to take her own life, my question is, what do I do?
Answer:
Get her psychiatric help. Don't wait for the suicide attempt.
Helpful 12
Question:
Two of my four sons smoke marijuana and are doing nothing with themselves. When they were young, I was very strict and am feeling like maybe I overparented them. I need some ways to get them motivated, because I have two more that are looking up to them, and there were many goals that we set together that are out the window now that they are "adults.” Only the eighteen-year-old is still in our home. I don’t want them to be failures. What should I do?
Answer:
You can't stop your sons from smoking marijuana. You can keep it out of your home. Unfortunately, this is becoming a common problem for parents. The eighteen-year-old doesn't need to bring that into your house. Hopefully he has an exit plan in place. If not, it's time to have the pay rent or move out talk. No one should be smoking weed in front of your younger kids. My advice, be mean. Let your eighteen-year-old know that you are not going to have marijuana in your home. Period. Legal or not, it's your house. At least that way the eighteen-year-old will have to go somewhere else to do it, not in front of your younger kids. Also, having an older sibling do drugs is not a predictor of behavior. Your children are watching you. Be the example and keep the weed out of your house. As for fixing the kids who are smoking, if they are not in your home and they support themselves, in some states, it's legal to smoke Marijuana so as adults there isn't anything you can do. I wouldn't blame yourself for being a good parent. Doing drugs is on them. They may stop doing it after a while. Sometimes it takes a good influence outside of the home to end these behaviors.
Helpful 12
Question:
when do you know when it is time to let your child go to jail for a extended period of time and be able to live with this decision?
Answer:
I’m not sure I understand this question. If you have been bailing your child out of jail and paying attorneys fees repeatedly, then yes it is time to stop helping them stay out of jail. Here is how you keep from feeling guilty; has you helping them worked to keep that person from doing what they were doing to go to jail? If not then, in reality, you are not helping them. You have been reinforcing their bad behavior by letting them out of the consequences. In reality, you should feel guilty for getting them out of jail when it might have helped for them to feel the full force of the punishment.
Helpful 12
Question:
My adult daughter, her husband, and my granddaughter are traveling to TN after losing their low rent house in OR. My son-in-law texted me for money to complete the transaction. I sent him $300. This is an ongoing thing with them. How can I help them stop this without hurting my ten-year-old granddaughter? I'm sixty-two, and not wealthy.
Answer:
Identify the skill set your daughter is missing regarding her inability to support her family. Is it because she won't get a job? Is it because she doesn't have marketable skills. The thing is that low-income families have tons of vocational options through state programs. Determining her deficiency may help her onto the path of self-sufficiency.
Unfortunately, Your granddaughter is going to be front row to the hardships created by her parents. Here is the great thing about hardship, it makes us strong. Hopefully, your granddaughter will make better choices seeing the mistakes of her parents. If you are in Tennessee, then you can lend moral support to your granddaughter and be the stabling influence in her life.
Helpful 12
Question:
I have enabled my 20-year-old son for years: bailed him out, paid rent for him, bought him cars, everything. He is addicted to marijuana. He is now married and I helped them get their own place, but once again, they don't have jobs and can't pay their rent. I know he and she are not being responsible and just think I am going to pay it, but I'm not. Am I doing the right thing?
Answer:
Stop giving him money. You are enabling him and not teaching him how to support himself.
Helpful 11
Question:
My 26yo daughter (employed) and her 30 yo husband (unemployed) live in a van with their dog b/c they haven’t been able to save and want to try van life for a year during the summer in FL. Her father and I live here too. They want us to watch their dog during the day, and we refused. They said we are the only parents who would ever refuse to help. My husband is about to disown her (we just paid for $30000 wedding last month and put her through college debt free) I feel guilty. Thoughts? Advice?
Answer:
You payed $30,000 for your daughter to marry a guy who’s life plan was living in a van? Ok, well we won’t get into that too deep. It’s their dog, if you want a dog, you have to take care of it. In this case the dog is theirs so they need to take care of it. You should feel more guilty about paying for the wedding. Your daughter is taking advantage of you. Tell her to grow up and get a house if she wants pets. The dog is not choosing to live “van life” aka being homeless. Please stop giving this girl everything she wants, that’s not a relationship. You are not bank of mom.
Helpful 11
Question:
My 28-year-old son has no manners, is rude, and made my life hell while staying at home. He has now asked me for a place to stay as he wants to divorce his wife. I have told him that I do not have a place for him, but on the other hand, I feel guilty for not helping him. He says it's only for a short while, but I know the minute he's in, he won't leave. It's caused so much anger between my husband and myself, and I am still suffering. I also suffer from anxiety issues. Please help, I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice?
Answer:
Is he being abused? Probably not. Your son's desire to leave his wife is not your problem. If you suspect this will turn into a “roommate for life” situation, then you are better off not moving him in. Guilt? His love life is not under your area of responsibility. Maybe he needs a better separation plan. He’s an adult man, let him handle his own business.
Helpful 11
Question:
my adult son called from jail this morning. What do I do? I am so scared for him.
Answer:
Jail is a little scary, but depending on why he is there, its good that it's scary. If you can go see him, go see him. It's the middle of the week, so he will most likely be released today. I would find out what happened. Jail isn't the same as prison. Although it's not a good place, the county jail isn't going to be the cause of any physical damage (Don't tell him I said that.) Let him be scared, and let it sink in that not obeying laws puts you in awful places. Going to see him doesn't mean you bail him out. As I said, he will most likely be released today anyway. It just depends on the charge.
Helpful 11
Question:
My son is twenty-years-old. He lives with my husband and I, and goes to college part-time. He does not work, and sleeps in very late. Is this ok? I want him to get an education, so I don't mind if he does not work, but my mother-in-law says I am hurting him not helping.
Answer:
Although your mother means well, it's none of her business. I would have him pull down a full class load if he isn't going to work. That's just my opinion. College will go by faster, and that way and he will be on his own sooner as well. However, this is up to you.
Helpful 11
Question:
My son is 21-years-old, and not helpful or respectful. He is living with me, not going to college, feeling indifferent and not conversing with me. Should I provide him with food and car insurance?
Answer:
Something is holding your son from moving forward. I'm finding more and more that this next generation coming up is afraid of the world. This may be the result of 24/7 media and information. Either way, there seems to be a disconnect. I have found in the past that whenever I have an issue with one of my kids, it helps to pull them closer and find out what's going on. The reality is that you do not know why he isn't progressing. Start by taking him somewhere that is a neutral zone. If there was something, he liked to do as a kid, like go to the lake, drag him to the lake for the day. Have a good time. Then casually open the dialog. Tell him you noticed he hasn't been himself and doesn't seem motivated; did something happen? Let him guide the conversation and listen. Is he dealing with fear, is he angry or frustrated, does he have unrealistic ideas about life? Find the problem first, then empower him to solve it. You can remove all the help you want; it's not going to fix what's broken.
Helpful 11
Question:
My son has depression and anxiety worsened by pot use. He is not working at the moment but expects me to pay for his phone, car, pot, and cigarettes, and I just can't. Is it ok for me to say no? I'm scared what his reaction will be, but I can't carry on like this.
Answer:
It's absolutely OK for you to say no. I wouldn't fund any of those things. Nothing you mentioned is a necessity. Physical exercise best treats depression and anxiety. It's time to sit down and have a real-world discussion with him before this gets any worse. If he wants a cell phone and car he needs to work. Unless you are prepared to pay for his addictions his whole life, it's time to end this enabling behavior. If he wants real treatment for anxiety and depression, then pay for that.
Helpful 10
Question:
My adult daughter quit school and choose instead to work. She has recently been bringing people home with her when we're asleep and against our longstanding rules. She's even gone so far as to disable our security cameras to sneak someone in. She's had run-ins with the law over alcohol and drug possession. My wife is reluctant to kick our daughter out without a place to live, but I'm willing to rent a storage unit for her stuff and letting her 'figure it out.' Am I right?
Answer:
If your daughter is an adult and working, she needs a plan for saving and moving out. I would sit down with her and inform her that she has until (pick a date) to save and move out. I would also let her know the next time she sneaks someone into the house or disables something, her stuff will be carried to the lawn. You are on the right track. If she has gotten involved with a bad crowd, then the last thing you want is them in your house. I would consider changing your security codes. Honestly, your best bet is letting her know she has to move out. These kids want to "play adult" without the responsibility.
Helpful 10
Question:
I have a 28-year-old step son who lives out of the house but doesn't work. He expects my husband and I to pay his way. What should I do to relieve this situation?
Answer:
You have choices, you can either continue to pay his way, which will result in his inability to support himself when you are both gone. Or, you can tell him it's over and he needs to get a job and be a productive citizen so that when you die, he doesn't end up destitute. Your choice.
Helpful 10
Question:
My adult daughter allows her unemployed boyfriend to sit around my house while I am at work. I don't want to put her out because she is being treated for mental health issues after the loss of a child. I don't want him here sitting on his butt. What can I do?
Answer:
At this point, your daughter and her boyfriend appear to be a package deal. I put the loss of a child in the category of one of the toughest things any of us will go through in this life. You need to show compassion in all aspects of dealing with your daughter. That won't always be easy when you want to send the boyfriend packing. For now, in the interest of your daughter, let it go. If you really want him to go away, try to get to know him, invite him to family meals and influence him. One of two things will happen, he will either get tired of being around you, or you will figure out why your daughter is with him. Either way, show your daughter compassion.
Helpful 9
Question:
my twenty-five-year-old daughter disowned her family. What should I do?
Answer:
You can't do anything. There isn't a law that says she has to speak to the family. Leave her alone. Sometimes it takes years and a lot of life experience for a person to realize they were wrong. All you can do is wait it out. Constantly trying to contact that person usually exacerbates the situation. Besides, it is her right not to have contact with people she doesn't like. None of us should be forced to interact with people. Respect her privacy.
Helpful 9
Question:
We have given our daughter and son-in-law $36,000 in the past six months, so they don't lose their home. My daughter does not care that we have helped them save their home. They have two small kids. How do we tell her and her husband there is no more money?
Answer:
Simply tell her. It was noble of you to help them save their house, however, losing a house is not the worst thing that ever happens to someone. $36,000 is a lot of money. It is up to each parent to decide what they are willing to give. People miss judge the article and think it's about disowning your kid. If you don't have the money to give, there is no choice anymore. Tell her you don't have the money. If this is still about the =house, then maybe she should sell it, pay you back and get something she can afford. It's just a house.
Helpful 9
Question:
I have four daughters, and one is adopted. They were all raised in the same environment, but my adopted daughter has never taken responsibility for her actions. She has lied since she was young, and stolen jewelry and money. We have given her chances, money and private schools. She cannot hold down a job. She is married, but they are homeless now and expecting a baby. I am torn. Do I simply walk away and let her deal with her decisions? My husband and her sisters say she will never change.
Answer:
For some people, having a baby changes their perspective. You need to figure out what she is thinking. Does she think that she is going to raise that child living in a van? Ask questions without being judgemental. You and I both know she isn't going to be able to raise that baby in the woods. I'm assuming you love your daughter, if your other daughters were pregnant you would have a baby shower and celebrate. I don't see any reason why you wouldn't do that with this child. We NEVER walk away from our kids. We help them into self-sufficiency. That means you help them get on their feet instead of just giving them money. If her husband will get a job, then you help find them a studio apartment. The point is to get them to be self supporting. Child Protective Services can take her baby for neglect if she cannot provide for the basic needs. Even a travel trailer in a trailer park is considered housing. She needs a plan. Even if she is less than dependable, she's probably scared right now.
Helpful 9
Question:
My fiance is 35 years old. He has a problem with always spending money and lying to everyone all the time. he also has a hard time staying away from drugs. Is there any way for his mom or I to force him to get help for these problems?
Answer:
Unfortunately, no. Once someone is using drugs, if they won't get help, then you are left with the choice of either staying or going. If you stay, you already know that you are signing up to be lied to as you watch his drug addict behavior. I hope you get out before this destroys you too.
Helpful 8
Question:
I have a stepson-in-law with three children and a wife that does nothing. He works with us in a business that we own 80% of, while he owns 20%. over the years, we have basically been paying for his car, his phone, his wife's phone, and their family insurance. How can I stop this?
Answer:
There are two remedies to this situation. The first is to buy back his 20%, at that point you can stop giving him money. The second option is to sit down with him as a business partner, figure out what his 20% cut is a month and let him know that starting the following month he will only get 20% of the profits. Depending on your business, the 20% may not be enough for him to live on. If you are going to continue to pay his insurance, deduct it from the 20%. That is all a business transaction. If he wants more money, he will have to work harder to make the business successful so that his 20% is a larger amount. It's still your business.
Helpful 8
Question:
My son has a good job but is very unhappy in the city that he lives in. He likes small communities & is seeking employment in a very small town. My husband is furious with him wanting to leave a good job in the city. I am caught in the middle. Am I wrong in supporting my son?
Answer:
First an foremost we should want our children to be happy. It's your son's life, he gets to choose his path. If you are not supporting him, then leave him alone. Your husband will have to get over it.
Helpful 8
Question:
My 40 year old son in law is a sluggard how can I help?
Answer:
We can't fix other people. We can only change our behavior toward those people. If you have been on his back about getting a job or getting his life together, change your tune. Don't say anything about it for a while. If he mentions it say "I know how smart you are, you will figure this out". Continue the positive reinforcement until he tells you he did something, then reinforce the positive actions "see I knew you would get it together, you have always been smart". We all need someone to believe in us.
Helpful 8
Question:
I have a 20 year old son and he's married. I've paid for everything and he continues not working. I've cut him off financially because this has gone on for years. Am I doing the right thing?
Answer:
Stop paying his way. Let him grow up and be a man.
Helpful 8
Question:
My twenty-five-year-old daughter's fiancé is using drugs, and I can see how she is suffering emotionally and financially because of it. How should I handle her, the fiancé and this situation?
Answer:
This situation will fix itself. Either he will end up in jail, or she will get tired of the behavior and leave, unless she is doing it too. In which case you are in for the roller coaster ride. She has the option to leave him. I would indeed let her know that “our door is always open if you need us to talk to her.” In other words, if she wants to walk away before the wedding, you will support her decision. People are on their best behavior before they get married, if this is his best behavior, I would hate to see his worst.
Helpful 7
Question:
My question is somewhat complicated. I raised my nephew due to my sister's death, and he has a mental illness. However, he is not on medication, and it's manageable to a degree until he uses Meth. He doesn't listen to reasoning or my suggestions. When is he out there or in jail, he calls me repeatedly, and I am guilt ridden because I feel I failed my sister. How do I let go of the guilt? He's thirty-three.
Answer:
The reason you should feel any guilt is if you introduced him to meth. Other than that, let it go. You don’t make him do meth. I would let him handle his own business from here on out, unless you have the means to treat his addiction. Anything else you do won’t matter.
Helpful 7
Question:
My 23-year-old daughter has been dishonorably discharged from the military, and is pregnant. The father of the child is unknown. Do you have any advice for us as her parents?
Answer:
You know your daughter. She probably knows who the father is. She just may not be willing to drag that person down with her. If you don’t believe in your heart that she can handle a baby, encourage her to put the baby up for adoption. It sounds like she may be going off the rails a bit. Get in there and find out what’s going on before you make any attempts to help.
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Question:
My parents finally kicked out my 28 year old sister and her 3 year old son. She is extremely dependent on my parents. She disrespects and manipulates my mom. Now that she is out of the house, she wants my mom to do things for her (that she could easily do herself) like watching her son, or taking off work so she can look for babysitting. My parents are both at retirement age. But I think my mom is having trouble saying no to my sister. Is there any advice I could give my mom?
Answer:
I'm a grandma and I watch my granddaughter one day a week. I do this to connect with my granddaughter and to help my children offset day care costs. This is my choice to do so. My daughter works hard to support her family. When your child is working hard that is the time to help. If your mom wants to help, that is one thing. If she is helping out of guilt, that is a problem. Family units are there to help each other, however when it becomes a burden, it's a problem. Your mom needs to decide what help she wants to give and when.
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Question:
I am the Adult child that is homeless and my parents live 8 miles from me. I know what I did wrong and have stopped, but my parents have let me and my mental state of mind stayed on the streets they can't move past my problems and keep bringing them up. Is there a list of how my parents could help me out of homelessness?
Answer:
The first thing is I appreciate you making the statement that you are aware of your mistakes. The next thing you need to do is help yourself as much as possible. Use the resources you have to integrate yourself back into society. I think your parents will be more likely to help you if you are showing the effort. If you can get to the local library you can apply for jobs (most of them are online applications). If you can get a few interviews, then ask your parents for assistance with things like a place to shower and clean your clothes so that you can get to the interview. This shows you are making an effort to support yourself and be productive. If you can do these things without them, through a local shelter then I would recommend that. Your parents need to see you are progressing before your apology is going to mean something.
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Question:
My 24-year-old son is about to be released from jail. He is homeless, jobless, and lives 1,800 miles away. Should I go there on his release date to help him figure this out and to just know that he's not alone? He voluntarily became homeless before, so that is not an issue for him, but it is for me.
Answer:
What do you want to happen? Do you want to show up there, have him move in with you, have him leach off you forever? Your son is alone. That is part of being an adult. You can go there and let him know you love him. However, I would caution you not to bring him into your home.
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Question:
I have a 35 yr old son that has had many personal issues throughout his life. I have supported him not only financially but emotionally. The last two years have been up and down. Since that time I have dealt with him being depressed, suicidal, unemployed. He blames me for many of his hardships. He becomes very disrespectful on a whim and says very hurtful things. How can I continue to live my life when I am so hurt and ashamed?
Answer:
First, you need to understand why your son is treating you this way. When you are constantly saving your child/adult child from hardships they do not learn basic life skills that teach them to survive. They also start to think your job is to bail them out and they form opinions about how much you should help. Stop helping him. At 35 he is a man and should be handling his own business. If you were a 35 year old woman would you even consider your son an option for dating? Probably not because he is a mess. You need to instill confidence into your son, that means positively reinforcing his good attributes and intelligence. He is shaming you to keep you paying and bailing him out. Now if you legitimately did something to him in his childhood, then you should apologize. Apologizing is not monetary compensation. Most parents do the best they can with the knowledge they have while raising their kids. If you did the best you could, then stop beating yourself up. You can't change it now. You can help your son become a productive member of society.
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Question:
Our twenty-two-year-old daughter is now sleeping with a twenty-eight-year-old man who has an illegitimate child and a history of drug and alcohol abuse. Should we cut off financial support to her?
Answer:
The first thing you should do is make sure she is taking birth control; this will keep her from dragging a kid into this world with an irresponsible dad. Second, stay out of her personal life. No matter who your daughter is with, she is not going to listen to you. Lastly, I'm not sure why you are supporting a twenty-two-year-old. If she is in college, then fine. But if she is living with you, then she needs to get a job and move out. Either way, you have no business telling her who to date. Telling her who to date will only push her away.
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Question:
What should we do? My 17 year old just got arrested for shoplifting. She has run away several times and moved out officially 2 weeks ago. We are at a complete loss as to what to do. We found pot and alcohol in her car. She hates us and is completely devoted to her boyfriend.
Answer:
First option: If that car is in your name, take it back, and sell it. She wants to play adult let her pay her way. No more cell phone, insurance, or car. Get her "Officially" moving out in writing, get a paralegal to do emancipation paperwork and have her sign it in front of a notary. As that point when she doesn't show up for her court date, it's not your issue. They will bench warrant her if she fails to appear. If you think two weeks in Juvenile hall or jail will shock her out of this, let the judge know before her court date.
Second Option: get your daughter. Threaten the boyfriend with statutory rape charges if he ever comes near her again(if that is a possibility in your state). Then once you get her home, move. I don't mean move down the block, I mean leave the state. Get her away from the people she knows.
3. Do nothing. She will probably miss her court date; it sounds like she's already involved in drugs. They will issue a bench warrant, and she will head down the path of a drug addict. Report her as a runaway. In most states, this is an offense. This also allows you to charge her boyfriend with kidnapping. (you could also threaten this and make her come home)
Any action you take is going to have to be extreme to make a difference. Parent your child. She is a child. If she thinks she's an adult make her pay her way and handle her own business. You can mix and match these ideas, you know your kid, decide what is going to work.

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Question:
My son is twenty-two. He just lost his girlfriend, his job, and is losing his apartment in one week. Also, his truck keeps breaking down. He told me he is going to live in a tent and work construction when he can. What can I do to help without rescuing him?
Answer:
It sounds like your son is having life direction issues. I wouldn’t move him in or pay his bills. He isn’t asking for help. I would find out what he wants to do with his life. Incidentally, my son's company is hiring it’s Intellisource in Nevada, and the starting wage is $17 an hour.
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Question:
Should we get involved when we think our 29-year-old son wants to build a new house when we think it’s too much and will cause him future hardship? Our son has a good job and has been in debt but hasn’t asked for help in the last couple of years.
Answer:
Let your son live his life. If he is not asking you to fund his lifestyle then you need to stay out of it. Often we see our children making mistakes and our input rarely changes their course of action. Also, we should not try to control our adult children. You give them life and hope they are happy but, we need to be careful not to continue to dictate our rules on them when they are paying their own way.
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Question:
I have an eighteen-year-old daughter with a child who is missing school and choosing friends over family and parenting responsibilities. I told her whether or not she graduates in June she haw to move out, but I want her out sooner. How do I do this?
Answer:
Your daughter is a child with a child. Just because she had a baby does not mean she is going to grow up instantly. In some respects, having a baby makes girls regress. It sounds so fun to have a baby, but we all know it's a responsibility. Your daughter needed a puppy, not a kid. As an adult, you know how hard it is to single parent a child let alone provide for them. I'm not sure how you think she will be ready to move out in a few months? Unless she has a trust fund or has saved every dollar since she was a baby, she's not leaving in June. It takes about six months for a person to save enough money to pay first, last, and deposit on an apartment. If you toss her to the curb too soon, you are going to get her back. She needs life skills and a good job before she can live on her own. You can throw her out whenever you want if you don't mind knowing your grandchild is on the streets. The other thing is that after graduation, a lot of her friends are going to leave. So her focus may shift when she no longer has them around to distract her. While I'm sure you wanted a magic wand answer, I don't have that kind of power.
You can prepare her by sitting down with her and discussing a timeline, as well as how she can save the money necessary. When I moved out of my parent's house, it was with my first tax return. Get a plan in place and make sure she has the skills to survive. When a bird is pushed out of the nest too early, it falls to the ground and dies.
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Question:
My daughter has returned home about six times, and now she has two babies with her after an eviction. I don't want her here anymore. What should I do?
Answer:
Sit her down and have her sign a contract concerning the rules of your home. Give her six months to get a job and save the money for a new place, put the six-month date on the contract. Give her chores and rent to pay (one of with will be keeping her kid's stuff picked up). Somewhere inside, she is missing information concerning how to survive, help her figure out what it is. Be serious with her concerning her situation. Go back over budgeting with her and teach her to live within her means. Life is not easy. Life with kids is even more difficult. It' s time for her to get it together. If she doesn't get a job and save, then throw her out in six months.
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Question:
Our twenty-eight-year-old son has been married for less than a year. His wife was recently diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. She has run up considerable debt, and he has been hinting for help. We’ve gifted them a down payment for a house, and other items as well. Is it ok to say no?
Answer:
It’s your money, of course it’s ok to say no. Marriage is for richer or for poorer, sickness and health. They will have to make payments on her medical, that is what they would have to do if you weren’t there to help.
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Question:
My son turned 18 in January. Now he is moving in with his girlfriend and her parents. They have been together for 3 months. He owes us $1000 and I pay his cell phone bill (which I am stopping). He won’t give me a straight answer if he is moving. I told him if he is moving out then he needs to come get his stuff. Am I wrong for requesting that?
Answer:
Boys tend to leave their stuff behind when they move from home for the first time. Box it up and put it in the garage.
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Question:
Our daughter moved in with our grandchildren. She was in a horrible five-year marriage, had to go to a mental health facility, and was diagnosed with PTSD/bipolar disorder. She won't contact the doctor to get her meds, and I have to beg her to go to counseling. She's addicted to marijuana and her cell phone. She hasn't tried looking for a job, and lost her car. She barely watches the girls, and doesn't respect any rule in our home. Can you offer any help?
Answer:
Put your daughter under written contract. Make a list of the conditions of her staying. If her PTSD is preventing her from leaving the house, there are online companies she can work for from home. Make her counseling a condition of her staying. Taking care of her children is also a condition of her staying. There are groups for battered and abused women. It would probably be a good idea for her to get involved with one of those (if that was her situation). It will give her people who have had similar experiences that are further along in their lives. Something to give her hope. Also, she needs GOALS. Now that she is away from him, she needs to consider the options in her life. An entire world has opened up to her. The reality is that if she continues to behave the way she is behaving, then her ex has won. He has ruined her and the kids and is continuing to control her. Once she sees that fact, maybe she can move on. Have her write out what her ideal life would be. For people coming from trauma, they just survive every day, they don't live. She has an opportunity to have a good life. She has to see that she has the opportunity to raise her kids in a loving caring environment. First she has to get out of that survival mode. She can do it. Make sure you are getting some time to yourself as well. Even if you go to the library for a couple hours to get away.
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Question:
My stepdaughter moved in with her boyfriend last year, and they now have a baby. They both have part-time jobs. She has been sneaking into our house and stealing money. She’s 20 years old what should we do?
Answer:
Stop carrying cash or get a safe. I don't know how she's getting in your home, but we don't even keep cash at our house anymore. Also, I wouldn't assume it's her. That is a lot of effort unless you are carrying tons of money all the time. I used to know a couple that thought they had a similar problem; it turned out the husband actually had a gambling addiction. Unless you have cameras, I wouldn't assume anything.
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Question:
My daughter is dating a sex offender and has just found this information out. She has a career working with children, yet she wants to look past his issues. We are concerned about her physical and emotional well being and the impact this could have on her career. How do we discuss this with her without alienating her?
Answer:
I would find out the specifics of the guy's situation before you discuss this with her. Lots of young men end up registered over consensual situations with someone who’s almost the same age. If he is a pedophile/rapist, I absolutely would discuss this with her. There isn’t such thing as a rehabilitated sex offender. The known rescind rate is 95%, I believe that other 5% just hasn’t been caught yet. Dating the guy might not draw attention from her employer, if this gets serious, his status could cost her a job. You don’t want to put her on the defensive. If she knows about his status, ask her what she thinks about it. Let her tell you she is concerned, then agree with her. Discuss options for breaking it off, would she feel more comfortable if you and your husband were there. If she isn’t bothered by him, you have a whole other issue.
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Question:
We refused to give our adult married daughter money after she was caught embezzling from her employer. Was this good parenting? We're retired & on fixed incomes.
Answer:
Although she may be innocent of accusations, no you should not give your daughter money after she was caught embezzling money from her employer. Fixed income is hard enough. If she is innocent then this will work itself out, if she is guilty then she needs to handle this on her own.
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Question:
Should I attend my sons court date for wreckless driving with him against his wishes?
Answer:
If he doesn't want you there, let him handle this on his own. The question is, why would you go? Is it to show moral support for him doing something irresponsible? Let his handle this one without you.
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Question:
My 23-year-old son has attempted suicide three times. He uses drugs, but I want him to go to drug rehab. If he does not go to drug rehab, should I make him leave our house?
Answer:
Get your son into counseling. Something is causing him to both use drugs and attempt suicide. The other option is a rehab that has integrated cognitive behavioral therapy. Just sending him to rehab alone is not going to fix his problem.
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Question:
My college-aged child says she doesn’t want to chase the money, but she's a violin/music major with no job after graduation. What do you tell them?
Answer:
Not many people go on to play the violin professionally. However, there are positions for that. There is also the opportunity to teach music to kids and others. I went to see a Cirque De Soleil show in Las Vegas last year. The music was played by an orchestra live. There are jobs for people who are serious about their love of arts. Granted the starving artist thing is real. The success of your child depends on the same thing all success depends on: determination and resiliency. How sad would it have been if Mozart was told he had to be a banker? Let your child live their life you never know what could happen.
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Question:
Our 20 year old daughter, after many mixtures of school, work, full /part-time, she finally agreed to study FT to focus in school and we'll pay for her phone & allowance (she paid her tuition). Instead of studying, more time is spent with her friends. She comes home early mornings. We lock our doors so it's up to her to come home on time. She ends up sleeping at the deck. We told her no more phone bills and allowances if that is the case. Are we doing wrong?
Answer:
My kids always had a key to the house. You had a deal with your daughter. Unless her grades have fallen off, I'm not sure why you would change that deal. It's a power play to get her to act the way you want her to, it will result in her fighting for her independence in which case she will most likely stop attending college. You need to explain to her why the coming home late is a problem. Personally I would be worried for her safety. Your goal is to get her through college and then launch her into the world with an education. Focus on the goal. Be honest with her. You are still her parents but, she is an adult not a child. Treat her like an adult.
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Question:
My 30 year old son has been in jail for drugs. He doesn't work, lives with me, never keeps his word, and has stolen from me multiple times. I know its crazy to raise the bail question, but he's in jail because I called the sheriffs office. I came home to him passed out on the couch, and a strange woman was sitting in the living room. Should I have stayed out of it and let him get arrested for other reasons?
Answer:
It doesn’t matter if you should or should not have had him arrested. If you had him arrested it seems silly to then bail him out of jail. I’m not sure what you are trying to accomplish but, it’s not working. He’s 30, he’s s big boy. Let him handle his own problems.
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Question:
My daughter is about to turn 21 years old in the next few days. She has a boyfriend that stills does not want to work or be responsible for paying bills, and he is only a year older than her. Now they are both moving out of town, and neither has a job or any money. What should I do?
Answer:
Let them go. They are not going to get far without money. They will figure that out and come back. At 21 she should have a plan in place; however, it sounds like they are just naive about what it takes to survive. I'm sure you will get a call within a few days of them leaving that they are either coming back or need gas money to get back. The other thing is, she has to figure out that her boyfriend isn't a provider on her own. Don't push her to leave this boy; it has to be her idea. She's an adult, and you need to look at her decisions that way. At some point, she has to become responsible for herself.
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Question:
I have a thirty-year-old son that lives with my mother (his grandmother). He doesn't pay rent and won't work. He makes her wait for him like he is three. He is verbally abusive towards her and me. He has some health issues and won't take care of himself. How do we get him out of the house?
Answer:
Evict him legally. It’s interesting, but in most states, if someone has been in residence for over 30 days, they are considered a permanent resident. That means you have to evict them through the court. When that happens, the sheriffs will come to the house and have him removed. Your mother has to be on board with this eviction. He may leave once you have him served. There's only one way to find out.
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Question:
We have a 28-year-old son. Never kept a job for long, but in the last 5 months, he started to do things against the law. What is our responsibility towards our grown son? How can we really help our adult son solve his problem without helping him to run away from his mistakes?
Answer:
Find out what is going on with him. Criminal behavior is a symptom that something else is wrong, like a drug addiction, mental illness, or unresolved childhood issues. Without knowing what is going on, it will be difficult to help him. People don't turn criminal overnight, it's a progression in thinking. Find out what's going on and get back to me.
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Question:
My nineteen-year-old daughter was molested as a child by my former boyfriend. I immediately had him arrested. She now dates a bad character. She left the U.S. for Canada with him and no survival plan. I paid her way for one year despite her very abrasive behavior. I'm planning to pause financial support pending a long-term treatment plan, and a clear path forward to a healthier ability to relate to each other. What do you think?
Answer:
Ask yourself this question "Are you helping her become a functioning adult?" When you pay someone's way, it does not help them become an adult. Your daughter probably needs therapy. If you want to help her, offer to pay for the therapy. As far as her taking off with this man, you cannot force her to come home. However, I wouldn't pay for her to be there. As a parent, your job is to create a "good person." If you feel your daughter's molestation was the cause of her current poor decisions, you need to look at what will help her not what is just going to keep her from hating you. You are paying her way out of guilt. The offer to her at this point should be that you will buy the plane ticket to get her back to the US to go to therapy or she can pay her way in Canada. Know that she might stay in Canada. Do this with love in your heart for your child. Let her know that you love her and you want her to have a good life.
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Question:
My 35 year old son is on meth. When I found out he was still hanging out with druggies I kicked him out. His van broke so he lost his job. Recently I started letting him come by to shower, eat & plug in his phone. Am I enabling him?
Answer:
Enabling is encouraging a behavior by removing the consequences of ones actions. What were the consequences of you kicking him out? Does he still have the consequences? It sounds like enabling was going on way before this incident if he's 35 and still living with you. What is the right thing to do? Get him help for his addiction or continue to support a man who should be supporting himself? There are choices. Is the choice you are making helping him get his life together? If not, then it may be time to rethink it.
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Question:
My son moved into my rental house, but will not pay rent. If I ask for the rent money, he gets mad and says he will just move away from us. He won’t pay his bills. He buys stuff to play around with like 5-wheelers and has often had utilities cut off. He is divorced, so I have had to help him several times, but I’m ready to stop doing that. Should I make him move out, even if it would cause my grandkids to be displaced again?
Answer:
That’s a tough position; emotional blackmail is not fun. If he can afford toys, he can afford rent. He is obviously not saving to move out. I would call his bluff. In most states, you have to file an eviction. If you had an agreement, then he needs to hold up his end. A good bluff on your part would be to bring a realtor by to tell you what you can sell the place for, then maybe he will get that you are not going to let him skate. However, at this point, I would give him the option of leaving or doing a direct pay into an account you set up. If you want to be nice and split it between his paychecks, do that. But yes, it is a pay" or get out" situation unless you are ok with paying his way for life.
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Question:
My daughter is going through a divorce. She does not love the narcissist she married but, is not being proactive in getting it done. We have offered legal help,counseling, and financial help. It has not motivated her much to resolve this issue. How can we help her or do we step back?
Answer:
Let your daughter know you are there if she needs you and step back. One of the difficulties parents have is failing to allow their adult children to handle their own problems. Parents know it's easier to rip the band aid off. She's dragging her feet for a reason. Let it go. If she has issues later because they are legally married, she will learn a lesson the hard way. Also she may cling to that relationship just to spite you. Let her figure it out.
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Question:
My adult son has been separated and divorced for two years, wife left him. He has two children a son 14 and a daughter 10. My son is drinking excessively at night. More recently attended daughters swim meet and ex-wife texted me that he was drinking with the other dads. My ex-daughter in law grew up in an alcoholic environment. He loves his children, but the drinking seems to come first. What should I do? We have spoken with him and he knows better.
Answer:
The reality is that habits become our life. A lot of people start drinking when they experience a loss such as divorce. Obviously he is not taking this very well and not considering the long term effect on his children. This could just be a habit he has fallen into, or he could be an alcoholic. Either way, the best thing is for him to replace that behavior with something productive. You may not get him to see this, but he needs to take positive steps to change his behavior. The kids are watching. The scary thing is that eventually he will be in s condition with his kids in the car. How you handle this really depends on your relationship. I would try to get him involved in something that he can’t drink at, slow him down. If he won’t listen to you, call for back up. Get another man involved. Maybe his dad or your husband, anyone he looks up to.
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Question:
What do I do if my daughter refuses to come home except for Christmas?
Answer:
I'm not sure what you mean by this. You have the option to visit your adult child just as they do. You can see your child as much or as little as you want. Relationships are a two way street. People get busy in life and forget. Be proactive, go see your child.
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Question:
What should I do if my adult son has no job and has been evicted, but has custody of my granddaughter? My boyfriend does not want him here, and we don’t have the room. I paid for him to stay ten days in a hotel, but I cannot continue to help him. I could get him to stay in a shelter, but he may have a problem seeing his daughter.
Answer:
It really depends on your situation and your son. If he is in this situation because he’s on drugs or refuses to work then no, I wouldn’t consider taking him in. If either of those things is true and your granddaughter can’t go to her mothers, I would take the granddaughter in. However, if your son is doing his best and isn’t on drugs, I wouldn’t send him to the shelter. I would get together a contract for a few months stay to get him on his feet and let him stay with you for about four months. You have your grandchild to think about; she is your priority.
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Question:
My son is twenty-two. He went to college for a year and found that he had anxiety. We should’ve known, as he didn’t go out in high school, and quit driving during junior year. Since he came home, he’s making payments on his loans and, after getting on meds, is working full-time. Usually, he walks to work. If we are free, we give him a ride. He pays rent & his bills. We worry because he still does not socialize outside of work and family, nor does he drive. What if anything can we do to help him?
Answer:
There are a lot of types of anxiety disorders. The problem is, the more a person isolates themselves, the worse it gets. The constant onslaught of social media and news has increased the number of people who do not leave their homes for fear of death or other issues. No matter how unrealistic these fears may be, you cannot necessarily change the behavior. If he is working full time, then he is interacting with other people. As far as having friends to hang out with, he is too old for play dates. He cannot drink while on the medications and so the club scene is not a good idea (not that it is for anyone). Your best bet is find something he likes to do and see if you can get him involved. I was surprised to find that there is a group of adults in my area that are doing Pokemon go. It's not my thing but, the point is there is a group for everyone. Counseling might not be a bad idea. Make sure you know the side effects of his medications and what he is taking. Physical activity is important. Physical activity empowers people and helps the brain create positive chemicals. The walking is good, maybe his Dad can figure out something they can do together to increase exercise. This also might get him out of the house; golf, fishing, anything really.
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Question:
My twenty-four-year-old daughter doesn't like my fiancé for no real reason. Should I end my relationship?
Answer:
Once your kids move out of your house, you can do whatever you want. If she is still living with you at twenty-four, it's time for her to move out (unless she is in college). As for her feelings about your boyfriend, sometimes we don't like people. Also even adult kids resent their parents relationship with people other than their other parent. You can't make her like him. I would dig deeper into her feelings about this and make sure it isn't because he made a pass at her or some other horrible thing she isn't telling you. If there isn't any reason, then you have to realize that she isn't going to like everyone you date. Your daughter doesn't have to like him. If you feel like you need to defend your choice in boyfriends then maybe you should look closer in who you have chosen.
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Question:
How do I make my daughter understand that putting her own daughter first does not mean that she can’t have a life?
Answer:
When you have kids, they are your life for the most part. I'm not sure what you are worried about. If she is a good mom, leave her alone. If you think she needs a break from the kids, offer to take them so she go do something. Tell her you need your time with them too.
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Question:
My college freshman daughter keeps changing her mind about her major. She has dropped two classes due to her indecisiveness. She is away at college. What should I do?
Answer:
One of two things is happening, either she has misguided ideas about what it's like to do specific jobs, or she doesn't know what to do with her life. I had a college friend who was one semester away from a Bachelors in Accounting when he changed majors and became an artist. It's not uncommon for this to happen. I always encourage Freshmen to take a diversified class load that will contribute to a Business AA degree until they figure out what they are doing. My major was Psychology, but I loved world religions and took that as an elective. When you are young, deciding what you will do for the rest of your life can be difficult. The point of an education is to have better job opportunities. As long as her majors still give her better opportunities, I wouldn't worry about it.
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Question:
My twenty-one-year-old son has smoked weed, which is illegal in our stat and has failed many classes in college. He came home after finishing a few classes at the university, but he didn't tell us the reason. He continued smoking weed and failing class. Finally, just before his twenty-first birthday, we kicked him out of the house. Now he has cut all communication with us. Should we take him back or let him stay with his friend?
Answer:
What is the purpose of taking him in? To have him smoke weed at your house? If he is not asking for help leave him alone. You can let your son know you love him without enabling his behavior. There are a bunch of states where marijuana is legal. If he insists on using this illegal substance, he should move where it is legal before he develops a criminal record. Your son has made choices; you don't agree with those choices. As well you shouldn't. If your son is of a mind that he does not want a relationship with you, leave him alone. There are times when our children believe they know more than us. During those times they get to be out in the world and learn tough lessons. He is not going to learn those lessons in a comfortable room at mom and dads. If he is out in the cold, then I would write up an agreement for him to temporarily stay. Anything else and you are asking for a dead beat child.
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Question:
My husband is an enabler. He was out of his daughters' life because of incarceration, and now he keeps helping out of guilt. I told him it is ok to say no, but he does not want to shut up his bowels of compassion. Now it is ten years later at 32 years old, and she is still in the same situation with two children, no job, no car nothing. He feels it is his fault she is where she is. I told him it is the enabling you are doing that has her where she is. Do you have any advice?
Answer:
His daughter is missing a life skill somewhere in that situation. He needs to figure out what that skill is and teach her, not enable her by providing for her. Also, he needs to apologize for not being there and get past it. Shes an adult, it's time to grow up.
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My daughter lets her friend take my granddaughter out of the country to Mexico. I think it's wrong, as the child is only a year old. What do you think?
Answer:
If this is a problem for you, I would offer to take the granddaughter so that her "friend" doesn't have to watch her.
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My 27 year old has never worked. She needs help, what can I do?
Answer:
This was a little vague. If you have supported your adult child to the age of 27, then it is time for her to start paying her own way. Stop paying for her phone, car, and clothes. By now she should have a full-time job and live on her own. What is she going to do when you pass away?
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My 28-year-old daughter is not the best at managing her money. She now has asked to move back home while she does repairs in her travel trailer that she has been living in. I’m not sure what to do. Will she make the repairs or blow it off while she is in the comfort of my home?
Answer:
Is the problem budgeting or does your daughter need to get a better job? You can sit down and have this discussion with her prior to moving her back in. You have been an adult longer, it's possible she is feeding the wrong problem. Find out what is really happening. Is she getting tattoos and not paying rent? Is she seriously struggling because her job is horrible? Define the problem and then you will have the answers to help her.
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Question:
My son is a new father, but he's not with the mom. He just can not keep a job, he bounces. He has been living with me for the last six months and basically lives off of me. I love him dearly, but my heart breaks because he would rather find another girl then spend time with his daughter. I just recently kicked him out. It's tough love, but it's breaking my heart. He's going to be 25 soon, and it hurts because I did not raise him this way. I know I just can't take the stress anymore. Any advice?
Answer:
The brain doesn't stop growing until around age 25. When a brain is still growing it causes impulse control issues. Obviously, your son has a problem controlling his urges. You would think after one child; he would learn and take his relationships seriously, nope. While you cannot enable his behavior, you can still influence him, and that starts by spending time with him. Men do not form attachments to their children in the same way women do. A man needs to be a daily part of his child's life to feel that attachment. Right now your son is being selfish because he doesn't know the consequences of not being a good father. He doesn't know he could mess up this little girl for life. But you can show him that the world is full of broken little girls who do all manner of self-deprecating activities because their fathers were not around. If he is not willing to step up for this child, then maybe you should consider being there for her. As for your son, it sounds like he is very irresponsible. I usually tell parents to get the kid to work for you. However, you seem to know him pretty well, what is he predisposed to do? Mechanic? Truck driver? What is he good at? Push him that way. It's tough to find your niche when you are young. Point him in the right direction, and if you let him move back in, charge him rent.
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Question:
I have a 21-year-old daughter who did not graduate. Gets a job and loses it quickly. She has bounced from one living situation to another expecting people to support her and pay for her life. She is being kicked out of her current location and wants to move back home. How do I help my daughter and not enable her to continue on the path she is on?
Answer:
Write up a contract and charge her rent from the beginning. Teach her to budget and give her chores that are non-negotiable. Do not give her money. She made decisions and she needs to work for what she wants. Teach her the value of hard work. Above all don’t get angry just get her moving in the right direction.
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Question:
My eighteen-year-old lost her license due to speeding violations. I've been helping her with transportation to work, but lately, it's become over whelming for me. She does pay for gas, but the extra miles and time it takes plus me working makes for a very long day! Am I not letting her learn her lesson by helping so much?
Answer:
It depends on your kid. For some kids, you driving them is enough for them to realize driving is a privilege. For other kids, it isn’t. If she’s paying for gas, I will keep doing it. Eventually, she will get her license back, at that point she needs to get her own insurance.
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How do you help a 24 your daughter, who is depressed/anxious, has a host of sexual and physical trauma, is not financially stable, lives at home (no rules or responsibilities) and is so broken that she blames everyone for everything and does not self-reflect? She can be very hurtful with her words and explosive but says, "Well, that's how it fee!". When you call her out on what she says, she gets even more upset and flips on me. I am at loss. What can I do?
Answer:
Too often when a child goes through trauma, we start using it as an excuse for their behavior. We make allowances for the guilt we feel in an effort to make it up to them. There are two problems with that thinking. The first problem is that you can't make it up to someone that they were molested/raped. The second problem is that you are doing more damage by not making her take responsibility for herself. Right now your daughter does not respect you because you are not acting like a mom. Being dammed if you do, dammed if you don't means you might as well do what is right since you are catching hell either way. What does that mean?
You have to shift the control in your home. To do this, you must be calm, matter of fact (direct) and stick to your rules. The first thing is that your daughter is an adult so you need to treat her like one. She has a time limit for getting a job. You set that limit and stick to it (I usually say 60 days). Next, there are chores in your home. You are not a doormat. She needs to take on half the responsibility for cooking and cleaning. These are not going to be "fun" conversations. No matter how mad she gets, do not get emotional. Tell her you expect her to act like an adult. If she needs a counselor, then get her counseling but, she still needs to start contributing. Once she has a job she gets to pay rent, teach her to save up for her own place. If she refuses to do these things that is fine, cut her off. no money, no phone, no insurance. If she continues to do nothing after that, give her 30 days to leave and serve her with a notice. She still might not take you seriously. Two weeks before she is supposed to go, bring home boxes and start packing her stuff. She needs to see you are serious. Do not cry in front of her, do not yell, be calm. You need to remember that the time for being emotional is over. It is time to be a mom.
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Question:
Our daughter is going through a divorce and is needing our help. We told her we would help her get an apartment, but she is mad that we won't get her a house. Are we in the wrong?
Answer:
I've heard stories about people whose parents clean up their relationship messes. I'm not sure why you are getting her an apartment. She's an adult; if she wants a house or apartment, then she should make that happen. If you insist on helping her when she is ungrateful, there isn't much to say. My kids have had breakups and always handled this situation themselves. Maybe she has extenuating circumstances, so it's up to you if you help her, however, I would be careful because you are going to end up paying her rent.
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Question:
My daughter moved out because she didn't like our rules. Now, she wants us to take and pick her up from work when she is on the schedule. Do we help her?
Answer:
Kids use to stay at home until they earned enough money for a car. If she has a license and is responsible, I would help her get a car. Don’t buy it for her. She needs to come up with half the money. If that is not an option for you, then I would say an occasional ride isn’t a big deal, but she needs to come up with a better plan.
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Question:
I have been supporting my son for the last ten years. He is 30 years old, cannot hold down a job, does not have a driver's license, does not have money, etc. Deep down I know it is hurting both of us to continue to give him money but for some reason, I cannot shake the "what if he kills himself" feeling. I know it is extreme but for me it is real?
Answer:
Take a moment and step back. What life skills is he missing? Once you have established the gaps, you can teach him the life skills he's missing. What is passionate about? Is he just fearful of being out on his own? These are conversations you can have with him. Explain to him that you aren't always going to be there and he has to be able to survive without you. This isn't about being mean and leaving him on a street corner with a backpack, it's about him being independent and taking control of his own life.
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What do you do when your adult child is afraid of commitment? Any advice to give or words to help? Nothing lasts very long, relationships, where they live, etc.
Answer:
As long as you are not monetarily supporting your child, let them live how they want. I have a son who has a wandering spirit, he sometimes picks up and goes without warning. He’s worked everything from oil rigs to robotics. I don’t dictate his path, I gave him this life to live. If living to him is changing jobs and towns, that’s up to him. Now if you are paying for this lack of commitment that is different. You should stop paying for this child’s lack of commitment.
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My 26-year-old daughter has lost the desire to live since losing her fiancé. How can I help her? I feel helpless.
Answer:
It sounds like she needs a support group or a counselor, maybe both. If he passed away, then I would say both. If this is a bad break up, then counseling may be a good idea. Here is the thing about relationships, they give an idea of what our future is going to be. When the relationship is gone, it is often difficult to see the future without that person. Since these changes happen suddenly, it can shock the system. If it's a breakup, then it tends to reinforce ideas of our own inadequacies. While we should be growing and constantly reevaluating ourselves anyway, this reinforcement of inadequacies often leads to settling for a less than adequate relationship with someone we normally would not consider. If this was a break up, I suggest moving her in positive directions like getting a gym membership. We can't fix our children's lives, but we can be emotionally supportive.
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Question:
My 33 year old daughter has just moved out of our home for the first time. She is married with a 4 year old and one on the way. She literally moved 1 mile away in a brand new home. Its been 10 days and all she does is cry and say she has anxiety about not living here. I feel bad, but at the same time, I think she is being ridiculous. How do I handle this?
Answer:
First, we should never discount a person's feelings. Obviously she stayed in your home for a lot longer than most people. The security that your home brought her was something she needed. However, it also kept her from developing her own sense of security. Ask her what she is worried about? While her fear may be unrealistic, she still has it. Consider that this fear that she never faced may be driving her motivation. I'm noticing lately that the over use of social media is making this generation feel a sort of hyper insecurity about the world around them. Find out what she is worried about and then help her. We are safer in our world today than we were 20 year ago, yet we have access to an entire world full of bad news. It can be discouraging and scary.
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Question:
My daughter is 8 months pregnant and made so many bad decisions lately. She is currently in jail. She has no means to support herself or her soon to be child. I have another son who is 11 and I don’t know if bailing her out and being the financial supporter of my grandchild is what I need to do or not?
Answer:
You know your child. In this case it’s no longer a question of what’s good for your daughter, it’s now about what’s good for your unborn grandchild. Depending on why she’s in jail I wouldn’t rush to bail her out. Let her feel the consequences of her actions for a minute. After that, see where her head is, what is she thinking. Have her tell you her “plan” going forward. If she doesn’t have a plan, she probably has no intentions of taking responsibility for this baby. That will leave you with the dilemma of how to help her so that your grandchild is not subject to her horrible decisions.
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Question:
My 27 year young son doesn’t want me to give him any advice. What can I say to let him know that I understand but I’m here for him?
Answer:
Tell him exactly what you told me. Then be prepared when he screws up because he never came to you.
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Question:
I have been covertly controlling my child's life to keep her away from me. I refused to let her move back home; is it okay that I have been in contact with her employer and landlord to ensure she stays away?
Answer:
You should not have contact with your child’s employer or the landlord (unless you are on the lease). Stay out of your child’s business. Let your adult child be an adult.
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Question:
My daughter is 22 and living out of a hotel with her boyfriend that we don't approve of, well she doesn't have money for the next week for the hotel and wants to stay on my couch for a week till she gets paid.. what should I do? She works he doesn't.. She said he'll be on the streets for a week till she gets paid.
Answer:
Unless there is a reason to not trust her statements, I would let her in. Unless she she's stolen from you or given you reasons to mistrust her, I don't see why you wouldn't allow her to stay for a week.
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Question:
How can I handle my son and daughter in law with 3 small children without steady income always requesting money to support them?
Answer:
Grandparents often find themselves in the conundrum of "How do I let my grandchildren suffer our children's mistakes?" Every person makes mistakes. You would think that having to weather horrible hardships would be the worst thing for your grandchildren. I assure you it is not. Children who never have to weather a hardship have no idea how to survive and they do not realize the consequences of bad decisions. I'm assuming your children could sell their home and find a more reasonable place to live. It may be time to stop helping them and suggest to them that they are intelligent and can obviously sell their home and find an affordable alternative. You could keep paying their way, however, there will come a point where you can’t help them. They will lose the house anyway. You will feel like you threw money away. It's time to sit down and have a budgeting conversation with them. If they cannot afford their lifestyle then it is time to change their lifestyle. I've often found that younger people waste enormous amounts of money on lazy habits such as eating at restaurants and buying morning coffee from Starbucks. These things add up and they are unnecessary when you are on a tight budget. We live in an instant society, but success takes time and effort. Have the tough conversations with them now. Debt destroys families. They are better off in a small home than in something they cannot afford.
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Question:
My daughter is 22 with 2 small children. Her and her fiance seem to only get part-time jobs and barely make enough to survive. As a result they get evicted every few months from failure to pay rent. Each time they end up back with me and still won't save enough to get on their feet. It's a vicious cycle but I don't want my grandchildren growing up in such an unstable environment. Can you please give me some advice?
Answer:
You need to identify the learning gaps in your child. Is she lacking in knowledge concerning budgeting? Does she simply apply for the wrong jobs? Figure out what is causing the issue and teach her the life skill she is missing. It sounds like they try but, are lacking some basic survival skills. Unfortunately, it may take you some time to figure out the learning gap. It may just be that she needs to find a career not a job.
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Question:
My nineteen-year-old daughter has started stripping. How can I talk her out of it? She is headstrong and hard headed.
Answer:
We all do stupid stuff when we are young. Hopefully, that stupid stuff doesn't follow us into adulthood by way of the internet, and or unwanted pregnancies. What I would tell you is that you need to sit down with your daughter and have a serious conversation about what it's like to meet a decent man who when he finds out she was a stripper won't ever call her again. Or, what it's like to run into someone who saw you strip in a public setting (like your kids' principle). As well as what happens when someone posts a photo of you up online, and you can't get it removed, or what happens when you have a creepy guy follow you home from the club. These are all real things that happen to strippers. Do they make good money, sometimes? Is it worth doing the walk of shame the rest of her life? It's her decision. I can tell you from counseling prostitutes; stripping is the gateway to prostitution and drugs. Not to say that all strippers do this, but it goes with the territory. There are probably interviews with strippers online who talk about what it's really like. I would find those and remind her that at some point she will have to stop stripping (there are no 50-year-old strippers, I hope). What is she going to do after that? How is she going to put that on a resume for another job? These are all things she needs to think about. Go get her mom!
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Is it ever too late to set rules with your children? My son is 24. He was arrested and against my wishes is in my custody. It will only be a misdemeanor even though I feel the punishment should be harsh. He lives with my husband (his stepfather) and I. He has made our lives miserable. He has no respect for either of us. All was good between my husband and I until we let him move in. His case is ending in a few weeks. He does not help.
Answer:
It’s your house, your rules. Draw up a contract and have him sign it stating he understands your rules. If he won’t agree, maybe be should live somewhere else.
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I am against my 22-year-old daughter who is a college graduate, and her 22-year-old sophomore boyfriend moving in together. How can I deal with this without cutting her off financially?
Answer:
First off what is your end goal? Is your end goal to get your daughter through school or is your end goal to control her life. I'm completely against parents getting involved in relationships. I will tell you why, it should be up to an individual who they want to spend time with and as a parent the harder you push, the more likely an adult child is to hang onto a bad relationship. If you even tell your daughter that you are going to cut her off for this decision, you are telling her that your investment in her education is really only a smoke screen for controlling her life. Which absolutely would be true. I have never seen that tactic work. If you want her to not move in with the boyfriend, be supportive of her decisions as an individual. Say affirming things like "if you think that is the best thing to do, then you should do it, it's up to you". I guarantee that "I told you so" moments are not triumphant when your child is in pain over a bad decision. So keep your opinion to yourself and keep paying for college. If it doesn't work out with the boyfriend she will learn a life lesson, if it does work out you certainly don't want her to cut you off because you were against the relationship.
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Question:
Our son 23 yrs irrational and since then he has cut all communication with us. I have since heard that he has tried to end his life an is self-harming but refuses to come home and go to hospital. We are at our wit's end and truly believe he is suffering psychosis. I have rung a crisis helpline who basically said call the police, the police won’t do anything because I can’t show evidence he’s in danger. What can we do to help our son amid his possible breakdown?
Answer:
What you are going to do is find him and sit with him. Don’t tell him why you are there, just sit with him. Stay with him for hours if you have to, once he opens up, then mention bringing him home. Let him know you love him. Be there for him.
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Question:
Should I pay my daughter's car payment while she's in jail for violating her probation by smoking pot?
Answer:
That depends on how long you want to enable her behavior. If you want to continue to shield her from her consequences, then make the payment. If you think she is an adult and should handle her own business, then don't pay the car payment.
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Question:
I have one son that been in prison for 15 years. He has a wife and two sons that she has been taking care of for the last fifteen years. I have helped out by giving my son twenty thousand dollars. How do I not feel guilty when I don't have the money to help anymore?
Answer:
Your guilt is misplaced. It wasn't your place to take care of them, to begin with. You did what you could, if there isn't any more money, then that's it. Guilt is only useful if it motivates action. Feeling guilty is not going to change the fact that you do not have any more to give. I can tell you if my son were in prison, I wouldn't give him money. I can see helping out the wife and grandkids, however, after fifteen years, some of those kids should be grown and gone.
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Question:
My twenty-year-old son is in the Air Force Academy for the next five years. He has a lady saying she wants to move to Colorado to be near him. They’ve only been together for six months. I am worried about his military career. Can I tell him that I’m concerned with this relationship?
Answer:
Your son's relationship choices are none of your business. He is an adult, and he is going to do what he wants anyway. You could say anything you want he is not going to end that relationship unless he wants to end the relationship. Never in the history of ever has a young man stopped seeing a woman because his mommy said so. If you start telling him this relationship is a bad idea, he will hold onto it tighter. Your best option is to stay out of it.
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Question:
My stepchildren expect my children to pay for parent gifts, but take on credit for the gifts with no payment. Should I say something or not?
Answer:
If these are adults, then I would tell your step kids that they need to purchase their own gifts and make the card out from the people who bought the gift. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.
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Question:
My son is 22 and lives in a house I pay for. He suffers from depression and is constantly saying how he wants me to move back in with him. I moved an hour away to be with my fiance who has MS. My son still expects me to call to wake him for work and although he pays his bills with his money I'm the one calling to make the payment for him. Is there a way to transition him into doing things on his own? I know he doesn't like living alone but I think he needs to know how to take care of himself.
Answer:
Young people often feel like being an adult is difficult. To transition your son into doing these things for himself you have to teach him to do them for himself. It only takes a minute to pay a bill. Once he realizes how easy it is, this shouldn't be a problem. Depression shouldn't cause him to shy from responsibility. I would suggest that you find a way to get him involved in some form of physical activity. Physical activity improves depression just as much as medication. He needs to get out and live. Make arrangements to do things with him that force him out, like walking in the park and going to lunch. the more things you get him to do outside of his house the better off he will be.
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Question:
My son is 22, he completed a degree in economics. Since graduating last June he refuses to work and suffers from a social anxiety disorder. He has had 5 1-2-1 sessions with a counselor but nothing has changed after 3 months. I don't give him any money and he pays 40 per month rent. As a single parent who works full time (his father very rarely sees him) how do I encourage him to work and earn a living for himself before this breaks me?
Answer:
If your son made it through a degree program he can make it through getting a job and moving out. The easiest route is to take baby steps, first talk to him about a job. He needs to be employed and pay $500 a month to stay there. Once he has a job going, work on budgeting to save for his own place. Take it slowly and allow him time to adjust to ideas. The other thing is that people with social anxiety get strange ideas in their heads. Find out what is holding him back. When he tells you his fear take him completely through the scenario of possible outcomes so he can see that most of them are not devastating.
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Question:
My 43-year-old daughter was laid off from her job a year ago. She was driving a luxury car that she leased. The lease runs out next week. She has no money to buy another car, no prospects for a job & her unemployment is about to end. We offered to let her come back home after she sells her home. She refuses to do so, but she asked us to sell our 2003 car, buy a new one, and give the old car to her. What is your advice?
Answer:
My rule with my kids is that if they are doing their best, I will help them. If you want to give her the car, keep the title and give her a month to get a job. If after a month she isn't making progress, take the car back. Also, I would have her pay you for the car, look up the book value on Kelly Blue book, do a contract. You can even file as lien holder on the title which gives you the right to take the car if she doesn't pay. The other option is not to give her the car. The choice is yours.
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Question:
My 19 year old son randomly chooses when to show up for work when his dad makes the schedule. Should my husband fire him? Also, should my husband front him the money before he receives his check and then subtract the money from the check and keep it?
Answer:
Depending on who’s reporting 60-70% of second generation businesses fail. Most kids are not interested in their family’s business. Your son is probably not that excited to work for you. In terms of the job you need to treat him like an employee, use progressive discipline. I’m sure you have given him a verbal warning, his next late give him a written warning, have him sign it. The next late after that terminate him. He may get upset but after all it is a job. On the good side, these kids seem to excell when they work for other people.
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Question:
Should I follow my heart and give my grandson $10,000 for a lawyer to maybe save him from going to jail for pot distribution? Or should I follow my brain and say no?
Answer:
The answer is "do you think he is going to continue the behavior?" If you shell out $10,000 to keep him out of prison (which may not work anyway) is he going to turn around and sell pot again. The answer is probably yes. Now if you get him out of it and he moves to a state where it's legal, then maybe you could consider it. However, the chances are good that he will get out and get caught again at which point you are out ten grand for nothing.
One of the people I discussed in the article was a friend of mine who took out loans to keep his son out of prison for the possession of Marijuana. The kid would get out and within months, he was back in jail. Nowadays most of these people have moved to California, Nevada, or Colorado. If you do decide to bail him out, I suggest he relocate.
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Question:
Our college freshman wants to move in with her boyfriend next year. He will have already graduated and she will be a sophomore. We would like for her to wait until he is established and she is at least a junior. He is a good guy but it's just not the right time. Also, if we don't agree should we support her by paying for her housing?
Answer:
You know your daughter. If the goal is to get her to complete college then make helping her with the housing contingent on her continuing her education. If she drops out, she can get her own job and pay her own way. If your goal is to get her to not live with her boyfriend, I’m afraid that is a losing battle. We don’t choose our children’s relationships or their timing.
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Question:
My son is 20. He graduated high school and he got a job doing IT work. He has severe social anxiety and quit his job because it stressed him. He was given a choice of work or school. He chose school. He just told me he wants neither. I told him he needs to move out. He won’t and I am not sure I could throw him out. His girlfriend lives here – pays rent and says he is depressed, but he refuses to get counseling. What now?
Answer:
What is your end goal? As a parent, my goal would be to get my child to a place of self-sufficiency. We all go through tough times. Anxiety isn't unusual nor is it usually permanent. I would actually start with a visit to the doctor to check his hormone levels, basic check-up. He could have an underlying medical issue creating this problem.
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Question:
A adult child with drug use and is being confrontational can you have them arrested?
Answer:
If this person is living in your home you can have them removed from your home. As for having them arrested, you would have to have a reason to have them arrested that involved the violation of a law. Now if you ask the person to leave and they won't leave you might need to call the non-emergency line.
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Question:
My stepson is staying at our cabin we are trying to sell. How long should we allow him to stay there?
Answer:
Obviously, if you sell the place, he is out. It's your cabin, how long do you want him there? I would have him pay rent, let him stay until it sells if you want. If you think he is undermining the sale, then I tell him it's time to go. Otherwise, just agree on rent and let it go.
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Question:
Recently for the 4th time in 8 years, my son was arrested for DWI. My husband wants to discontinue financial support and limit or perhaps eliminate contact with him until he "gets his life together" to avoid future financial and emotional drain. But we're all he has. Any chance this "tough love" will work?
Answer:
Your son needs counseling and rehabilitative help. Too often people get in the mode of putting out a fire when they should be investing in means to keep the fire from happening in the first place. Alcoholism is a disease. Invest in getting help rather than bailing him out. If he won't do the treatments then let him live out the consequences. However, we should never stop telling our children we love them, we should never forget that love can move mountains anger cannot move. Emotional support for alcoholics/drug abusers is so important. They need to feel like there are people who care about them even when they don't deserve it. That doesn't mean you hock your car to save him from the consequences. Those are two different things.
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Question:
My daughter is going through a painful divorce, and it's impacting our entire family. We never see other grandchildren and have no free time because of all the help we're giving her. What should we do?
Answer:
Divorce is rarely not painful, and often it causes issues throughout close families. At some point, your daughter is going to have to fend for herself with her kids. If this is a new situation, then you need to be very careful about establishing patterns that will have long-term effects on your day to day life. Things like babysitting her children every day may not be realistic. If you get into the habit of always being available, she may expect that level of involvement. I would sit down with her and come up with a realistic plan going forward. If you can give her a day a week, then that is what you do. If you want to set certain boundaries, then that is what you discuss. Let her know what your commitment level is in the situation. Also, unless her husband did something illegal, her husband still has a responsibility to his children. He may have a new girlfriend or something; that doesn't absolve him of taking care of his kids. These are all things that should be worked through. However, grandparents can be a stabling factor for children who feel abandoned in divorce. Your grandchildren may need you more so be aware that is a possibility.
Helpful 1
Question:
Should I marry a guy that has lost alot of money due to his kids?
Answer:
This situation sounds more like a question that would be answered by another article I wrote on marriage. That said, there are two things that a person should never have to talk themselves into, the first is marriage and the second is hiring someone. If you are hesitant then you shouldn't do it. https://pairedlife.com/relationships/To-Wed-or-not...
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Question:
I paid my son rent for a year and he hasn’t done anything to take over paying his own bills, he doesn’t listen to me. His lease is up in November and I told him he would have to find somewhere to live because he can’t live with me. Was that the right decision?
Answer:
That depends on how long you want to support him. I don't know why you paid his rent for a year but, as you have probably realized he is taking advantage of you. My rule with helping my kids is that I will help them when they are doing everything they can for themselves. In other words, if your son had been working and still wasn't making enough money to pay his rent then I would help him. If he is playing video games and spending the money he has on new rims for his car, then I would say stop funding his vacation.
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Question:
My 22-year-old daughter that just had a baby. We are concerned about her mental health and that her lying has started up again after she moved back in. They both know this is temporary however I am not seeing much initiative on her part. They left together the other day to take my son in law to work leaving the baby crying and hungry. What milestones should I set for them to get on their feet and move out?
Answer:
The first thing is that if you don’t want them living with you, you need to charge them rent. They should be saving most of their money to get out of your house. I would give them six months to get some money together and move out.
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Question:
My daughter is living with a drug addict and a thief he has stolen from us many times and now we do not allow him in our home or in our lives anymore. Ahe is still with him but says she is not. How do I handle this? Do I use tough love and tell her she’s no longer welcome in my family?
Answer:
Obviously you are not letting the boyfriend in your home. Why would you transfer that to your daughter as well? If you cannot trust her in your home, then I would agree. If your daughter has not taken anything from you, then I'm not sure why this is a question.
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Question:
I am concerned about my grandchildren being raised in the wrong environment. How can I talk to my daughter about the men she dates?
Answer:
The short answer is; you can't. Unfortunately, the harder you push a child to not get involved with someone, the stronger they feel about proving you wrong. I have found that the more supportive yet realistic you are about these relationships, the faster they go down in flames. Affirming statements in support of the relationship dynamic make people think about what they want. For instance when a young girl finds a man with a weak resolve (usually a drunk), the affirming statement is "I think he's perfect for you because you can maintain control in the relationship and that is so important to you". Things like that make people consider why they are with that person. First you have to figure out why she is with that person. Is it attention, weakness? Does she always have to be in a relationship? Gear your comments toward thoughtfully pointing out how her bad relationship dynamic is fulfilling her needs. Let her decide to end it.
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Question:
My twenty-one-year-old son has always been irresponsible and it will soon cost him his job, housing/roommate, and car. He's not in college, and he has anxiety and low self-esteem. He quit counseling. I don't want to enable him, and I have money limitations. He may come home with rules to contribute financially and chores. He's barely keeping his head above water. If he falls on his face and learns a valuable lesson, I am all for it! My fear is that he will fall on his face and can't deal with it. What should I do?
Answer:
Did you ever fall on your face in life? Have you ever faced odds that were not in your favor? Adversity breeds strength. What happens to kids today is they are never faced with adversity so they have no idea how to overcome anything. At twenty-one, your son is an adult. He's a man. At seventeen, my grandfather was drafted into the military to fight in World War II. He wasn't prepared for the military. The point is that I'm sure lots of people would rather not face life head-on. If you don't have the money to help him, don't help him. Let him know up front that you don't have the funds fix his situation. If you don't have confidence in him, how is he supposed to have confidence in himself? Instill in him your confidence. Tell him you know he is smart and will figure all this out. Also look up vitamins that help with anxiety. I can't directly tell you on here what deficiency causes it (for legal reasons), but you can look it up. He should start taking that vitamin. He's going to be fine. Change your mind set and have confidence in your son.
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Question:
I have a single 33 year old daughter with three children. She relocated away from our hometown to move closer to her ex-husband in another state. While there she finished her Master's degree and entered into another relationship in which she became pregnant. She cannot find work in her field. She's obviously overwhelmed. She experiences one emergency after another and never has the resources to recover and is always one step from disaster. What can I do?
Answer:
You do not have to do anything. If she is not calling asking for help, then you are do not need to rush in and fix her life. Is her situation ideal? No. Her lack of resources is HER issue. She can work in most school districts with a masters degree as either a substitute or a teacher. It doesn't pay a lot but, it will give her an income with benefits. Let her fix her life. She is making bad decisions. If she got through school she is not dumb, let her figure it out.
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Question:
When is it ok for me to tell my adult son that girl is not into you?
Answer:
Never. He's not going to listen to you and it's going to come out sounding like you are being mean. He will find out about her on his own.
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Question:
I have a 42 year old son who suffered a TBI at age 11. He lived independently until he lost a job because of a DUI. He has been living with us for 6 years working sporadically. Currently has not worked in a year and a half. He does look for work but has had no response from companies. He doesn’t have good self-esteem and lacks motivation, symptoms of a TBI. How do we get him to be independent? He refuses counseling and is in denial about his injury.
Answer:
Depending on the area of the Traumatic Brain Injury he may be experiencing depression and/or issues with self medication (hence the DUI). The problem with having a possible disability from a TBI is that most people just want to be normal. They don't want the TBI brought up constantly. They don't want people to look at them and think about the injury. This hinders progress especially if the person is still experiencing issues from the injury. Get your son to help others who have been through what he went through. He understands the frustrations, the anger. If he can help someone else it may help him work through what is upsetting him. If he's sitting around thinking of himself, he's not going to progress.
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Question:
My daughter is 23 year old. She lies to me and is in contact with her ex-boyfriend (for whom she has an order of protection). She is even talking to a new guy but she hasn't told him that she is still talking to her ex and trying to get back with him. Why can't she leave the ex alone? I am really concerned that she will get back with her ex. He tried to kill her and he would have succeeded if the attempt was not made on the job.
Answer:
Violating the protection order is against the law. If you daughters boyfriend trying to kill her wasn’t a wake-up call for her, I’m guessing nothing you say is going to change her actions. Also, she shouldn’t be talking to any men for a while. Get a hold of a battered women’s shelter; see if they have a support group in which you can take your daughter. It might help her to hear other women’s stories of having to escape. Staying in abusive relationships often comes down to a person's lack of self-esteem. You need to get her involved in something that helps her develop her confidence. Confident women don’t stay with abusers. I would recommend self-defense classes for her regardless. Restraining orders do not always stop people. She needs to be able to defend herself. This should also help her confidence.
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Question:
My adult son for years has talked about suicide a couple of times. He was taken to the ER after a well-being check. My son has NO insurance. He was taken to the ER and released. He thinks I made that call. He is now threatening me saying I must pay his ER bill or I will never see him or my grandkids ever again. I can not afford his ER bill. Shouldn't HE be responsible for the bill?
Answer:
He's an adult if he went to the ER then it's his bill. I'm not sure why he would think you are responsible. He probably wasn't required to go unless his wellness check went badly.
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Question:
We are losing hope. Our son is taking drugs and he is convinced it could only benefit him. He spent his government money on drugs and gaming (poker). He never saved up. He refuses to listen to us and he is convinced his friends want his best. His friends are also bad influences (drugs, poker). What can we do to help our son with his problems with drugs and gambling?
Answer:
If your son lives in your...
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Question:
I have a 22-year-old son that is in my home dragging his feet, in starting his own business. He doesn't invest in himself, and doesn't seem to have much motivation. I make him pay a small amount in rent each month to help him become responsible, but outside of that he doesn't want to 'work for anyone.' I am ok n disability working part-time having trouble making ends meet. I don't want to put him out on the street. Any suggestions on how to encourage a better situation?
Answer:
If your son gets the motivation to do something more productive, he is likely to move out. You could raise his rent. If you are asking me how to make him be more productive, motivation comes from a lot of places. Some people are motivated by fear, perceived risk vs. reward, or out a need. Your son currently does not have any of that going on. Inspiration can often move people to action. He’s your son, what has motivated him in the past? What inspires him? When you answer that question, you will be able to help him. Whatever his original plan was, it didn’t inspire or motivate him.
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Question:
My 32-year-old son has struggled. Some issues are his fault (overspending and partying leading to job loss and debt), some are not (cancer). He has been admitted to law school but needs assistance. I will help on the condition that he go alone for the first year. He wants to move with his boyfriend who has also demonstrated personal and financial irresponsibility. Am I out of line to expect a one year delay in their cohabitation plans in exchange for substantial financial support?
Answer:
I do not abdicate parents getting involved in "relationships". This is one area that your adult child needs to deal with on their own. A year separation will only cause your son to make irrational decisions. It's best to stay out of it. If you can afford supporting your son I would make it contingent on grades not relationships.
Helpful
Question:
How do we help our grand-kids? We don’t want them to be hurt by mom's bad decisions.
Answer:
It depends on the situation. If a child's basic needs are not being met or there is clear abuse, then I would step in. Outside of that, you need to leave them alone. In most situations it is better to keep the family unit together.
Helpful
Question:
As parents, we have an addiction to drugs and have done them with our 22-year-old son for the last 5 years is it too late to stop?
Answer:
The sooner the better. I wish you well on your road to sobriety.
Helpful
Question:
What is your piece of advice for an individual who wants to leave school for marriage?
Answer:
My advice is to search your soul. Are you leaving school "for marriage" or because you want to leave school. Then ask yourself why you have to leave school to be married? Are you just looking for a way out of school? Lastly, what are you going to regret more waiting to marry or not finishing school? These are your questions to answer. You must be honest with yourself. It is not fair to come back later and say "I left school for you". This is your decision, your future. If you choose marriage then own that decision.
Helpful
Question:
Recently for the 4th time in 8 years my son was arrested for a DWI. The husband wants to discontinue financial support and limit or perhaps eliminate contact with him until he "gets his life together" to avoid future financial and emotional drain. But we're all he has. Is there any chance this "tough love" will work in turning around a DWI prone son?
Answer:
If you have been paying for his lawyer, court fees, or other things, I would stop. However, emotionally you need to pull your son in closer to you. Financially cutting him off is not the same as cutting him off emotionally. He needs to know he is loved and that is not accomplished with money.
Helpful
Question:
What do you do if your 20 yo son graduated high school but won't leave the house for anything? He never got his license, won't get treatment for depression and ADHD. I've talked to him about setting little goals. He does work with a career counselor but he won't follow through.
Answer:
Depression during adolescence is normal and unless you went through a battery of tests I wouldn’t label this child ADHD. You need to figure out what is holding this child back. Is it a motivation issue, fear, or does this child simply think you will support them forever? It helps to teach a child how to budget. I would also get those driving lessons done. Driving is part of personal independence. Without driving, your child is at the mercy of others or public transportation.
Helpful
Question:
My one and only child moved 2 states away with his girlfriend two years ago. He just turned 30 this month. They recently broke up and he has chosen to live out of his car. I am so worried about him. He would not accept any advice/suggestions/help I offered him. I even begged him to reconsider his decision to live out of his car but he won't. What do I do?
Answer:
You cannot help him if he won't let you. It sounds like more than just a break up. Talk to him and be emotionally supportive. If he needs help he will ask for it.
Helpful
Question:
Is there a program to teach my adult son life skills? My son is 35, but when he was 13 his stepmother smoked meth with him and used him as a mule. Now he has what seems like brain damage. No GED, 2xs a year he needs help with a move or solutions to his problems. I can not help with money nor shelter. He does not fit in socially, anxiety, suicide tendencies, as well as an ex-felon. So finding work and housing is a no go. He just can not present himself well. What should I do?
Answer:
Many felons have started their own businesses. He needs to find something he likes to do and do it. Mowing lawns, cleaning pools, auto detailing all good-paying jobs that work as self-employment. I don't know if classes that teach these boys how to dress and act, that is usually the job of a father/mentor.
Helpful
Question:
Recently for the fourth time in eight years our son was arrested for DWI. My husband wants to discontinue financial support and limit or perhaps eliminate contact with him until he "gets his life together" to avoid future financial and emotional drain. Do you think this tough love will work?
Answer:
Instead of funding his defense, fund his recovery. I would never discontinue contact with one of my children. Try a more proactive approach for this situation.
Helpful

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Comments

James Ochoa
11 days ago
My son lived with his Mother , my ex wife, . She recently died and he is left to deal with his mother’s estate and expects me to help him financially meanwhile ! In other words pick up where his mother left off ! What should I do ?
TinyDancer5
3 months ago
My 30 year old child has asked for money. She’s looking for a job and has been working with a friend but the money is not steady.
A bit of background.
She’s worked since she was 16 and made very good grades.
He father is not and never has been supportive or even nice to her. He is loud and hateful. They don’t speak.
Her only sibling, that she was very close to, died 10 years ago.
She dropped out of college with only a year left.
She quit her job.
She went back to work and said she’d get back to school.
She goes to counseling (I don’t know about right now since she’s not steadily employed)
My husband (Not her father) and I have helped her wth money (loans) over the past several years.
I’ve told her I would help her out after my next paycheck. Is it wrong of me to not want to help her past that?  I understand she’s had a tough life. So have I. I was married to her screaming dad. Her sibling was also my child. I want her to move forward and learn to take care of herself.  Can you suggest a contract that will help? She says she’ll pay me back but I just want her to get a real job and go back to school.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
4 months ago from Western United States
The reality is that you cannot protect your granddaughter unless you take her away from your daughter. I'm not telling you to do that. I'm telling you that your granddaughter is always going to feel a measure of her mothers mistakes. this is true for all children. You cannot save your grandchild from her mother.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
4 months ago from Western United States
Unless you think she is in danger, I would leave her alone. She is breaking away from you. As long as you are not paying her bills it is time to let her be her own person. Be strong. You can still love her even though she doesn't live with you.
Tina
4 months ago
I have a 24 year old daughter who has a 7 year old daughter they live with me and her dad she doesn't help with bills or anything around the house she blames it on her 3 rd shift job i do everything including taking care of her child she has a boyfriend that we do not approve of but every time we are gone she sneaks him over now I'm married to a different man that lives in another state because i feel i have to stay here to protect my grand daughter because the last time i wanted my own life she moved him in without asking her dad if he could live there he didn't pay or do anything either now i have let my daughter go but i can't seem to let my grand daughter go i feel like I'm the only one that will protect her from my daughters bad decisions I'm very unhappy cause this is not fair to me at all and not fair to my grand daughter please help me this guy is a bad person but has my daughter brained washed and controlled my oldest daughter was murdered by her ex so how do i let go of the only daughter i have left
Chris
4 months ago
I have a 17year old daughter that doesn't want to live at home anymore and I don't know what to do she is paying her own bills and already has a place with my adult sister
Joyce Dore
4 months ago
My 38 yr old daughter has asked me to help her with car payment She bring up past where i constantly apologized She calls me out my name n admitted she hates my husband n is angry because i didnit invite her or anyone to my wedding She came to visit us on three ocasions n it was a disaster the last time she was rude n verbally n physically abusive When i visit her She was verbally abusive packed my bags n dropped me at bus station Should i now stop helpin with car payments I am tired n heartbroken
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
6 months ago from Western United States
The first thing is that you already established that if he was going to school you were not going to charge him rent. He is telling you that he is intentionally not going to finish school. This means it is time you let him know that you are going to charge him the going rate for the space he is now "Renting" plus his cell payment. If your guest house is 600sft, find an apartment that size and figure out his rent from that. Rent is due on the first of every month. The reason you are doing this is that he needs to be responsible for himself. If he wants to quit school that is up to him but this is the consequence. You are not here to tell him what to do. He has the choice to quit or continue. If he quits, he has to pay rent starting this month. You can love your son and not enable him.
Christina
6 months ago
My son is 19. He has moved out at 17 to his dads because he stated he needed to get out of this city and the people in them, and he also was failing school. He had like 1 month of school left in which he did go to an adult school and finish. I moved and ended up with a guest house in back. He moved back but I said he could live here with no rent if he went to school and work. He is now only 3 weeks away from finishing his fire academy prerequisites and is dropping out. He does work part time and he helps pay $50 for his cell phone bill which is never on time. I know I can’t tell him what to do but I don’t want him to drop out. I do understand that he doesn’t want to do school anymore but I said maybe he can finish his classes and then have that to fall back on if he needs. But he refuses. I don’t know what I should ask of him. He doesn’t open up to me I only found out he was dropping out because the teacher called me. I don’t know what to tell him or what I should expect from him at this point. Should I let him drop out and tell him that he has to start paying rent ?He also is a heavy weed smoker and a very bright kid, I think the weed is getting in the way but I don’t know how to get him to stop.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
6 months ago from Western United States
Leases have a time limit and you are only liable for that time period. The second that time is up, remove yourself from her lease. Limp the situation along until then. As for what she is doing with her money, who knows. Most of these kids have thousands of dollars in tattoos yet are behind on their car payments. You can sit down with her and teach her to budget. I see budgeting as the skill that most of us are not taught growing up. During her budget discussion let her know you are teaching her this because you are not taking her back in. Be honest with her about the reasons you won't let her move back in. I would wait to tell her about the lease situation until after you've done it. Hope this helps.
steven collins48
6 months ago
Hello,
Co signed an apartment for my daughter. Shes an adult 33 years old. She doesn't pay her rent on time has gone to almost eviction notice. I ask her what she does with her money? Always the same. I have tried to give her groceries ect...turned on the light was they turned it off. But the question again where is her money going. I can't do this anymore. Please help I appreciate your imput. If she goes into eviction I will be liable for over twelve thousand dollars not to mention my credit. She only calls me when she needs money. And often says if she gets evicted she will move in with me and my wife and other two kids. I say no I will because she is extremely verbal and emotionally abusive toward her parents. Thanks for your help
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
6 months ago from Western United States
When you are in a relationship with someone who has kids there is a dynamic you will never be able to control. Your significant other needs to learn the difference between teaching a life skill and enabling. It's the old adage: give a man a fish feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, feed him for life. As to if you should issue an ultimatum , I guess that depends on what your goal is in this relationship. Even if your significant other agreed to your ultimatum, he would be miserable. He would feel like he abandoned his children. In this situation your can only attain happiness through teaching his children the life skills they need to survive. Then the pride of seeing his children self sufficient will bring happiness. There isn't a magic wand and if you serve an ultimatum you should be ready to pack. No one is perfect, if your significant other's worse flaw is loving his kids too much, maybe he's not such a bad guy.
MV
6 months ago
My significant other of 2 years and I just moved in together. I have two young children and I work a good job full time. He works full time and has an exceptionally well paying career. We have talked about buying a house in the next 5 years however his adult children, all 3 roughly in their 30's, seem to continue to get themselves in financial binds in which they do not try to resolve it. They turn to him for loans and help and he seems to feel guilty and obligated to help them. This continues and now he is not sure if we will be able to buy a house in 5 years or even retire in the expected time he wanted to because of all of the reoccurring debt and loans. I want to tell him I am not ok with this and it needs to stop at some point, not because I want his money for myself, but because it's not right that he isn't able to live his life how he wishes due to his kid's poor financial management. I have nothing against his children just the fact that they are all working yet cant support themselves when it comes to buying a car, affording to move, or other critically related situations. Am I wrong to tell him this? Should I give him an ultimatum if it continues? It's really wearing on him which wares at our relationship in the background.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
7 months ago from Western United States
Your son has been given a plethora of chances to get his act together. You are well within your rights to refuse assistance to him. He can get a part time job and work for what he wants. My rule with my kids is that I will help them when they are doing everything they can to help themselves.
Susan Pearson
7 months ago
I don't know if anyone will read this now but it might help me anyway just to type it out! I live in the UK so I know education etc is different. I raised my son alone more or less from him being born. He is now 21. I have no other family, he sees his father occasionally but he isn't involved. My son left school at 16 started a college course, dropped out, started another college course, just about passed it after nearly being thrown off a few times for poor attendance. He has had a couple of casual jobs but never made much effort. He started uni last year an hour away from home, he had to do a foundation year as his college results weren't good enough to go straight onto the degree. He failed the foundation year as he didn't go to uni or do the assignments. He had a student loan and a £1000 overdraft, all this was spent after 2 months on clothes and takeaways. I foolishly helped him out with money as I was worried sick about him, he also was homesick last year. He came home in April and uni said if he did all the work he had missed in 5 weeks and got an overall pass he could go onto year 1 of the degree. His girlfriend did most of the work for him and he passed! He is now back at uni, I have refused to help him financially this year, I set him up with basic food and toiletries then said that was it. So far I have stuck to this but I think he is running out of money again and although he hasn't asked me for any I'm worried sick. He has no respect for me whatsoever and can be very verbally abusive. I have always worked hard and still do so I don't understand why he has no work ethic. I'm wracked with guilt as I feel I have not taught him to be self sufficient and I feel I have failed as a parent. He has good qualities, he is intelligent, funny and can be very caring.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
9 months ago from Western United States
Our life lessons are best learned by living. Leave her alone. She may be in a relationship with this man and not willing to tell you. I've never heard of an arrangement with this type of age difference. Know that anything you say is just going to make her more defiant and hold on tighter to this man. Leave it alone. If they are in a relationship then she didn't trust you enough with her emotions to tell you the truth. Be a good mom, leave it alone.
Molly Straust
9 months ago
I have a daughter who is 19 and she is going to college. Suddenly, she found a roommate with a daughter. She is happy to pay 400 rent and babysit whenever she is not going to school. why I am so worry about this?, First, roommate with a daughter (he is 35 yrs old), secondly, been around kids is not a good environment to study and do homework.
I just don't like the whole idea of this situation but since she is financially independent she doesn't listen to my concerns.
Am l bad parent because I am constantly bugging her with my concerns?
Kelly and Shawn 8216
9 months ago
I have a 24 yr old son still living at home. He's had three jobs in the past 5 years, all of which he's been fired. He lost his most recent job around June 1st this year and we told him he had 60 days to get another job. He's famous for "smoke screens". He tells us he's going into the military, waiting to hear back from the recruiter, waiting to have an interview, etc. But he's never had more than a part time gig and never with any benefits. At one time I considered putting him out of the house, but decided he needed more guidance and higher expectations before I go in that direction. Our biggest challenge is his grandparents. My parents (my mother) spoil and coddle him. I won't cook for him so he just goes to Grandma's to get fed or for money or for them to fill out his job applications. It's infuriating and undermines everything we're trying to teach him. But, alas, nothing ever changes. Aside from taking his laptop, tv, gaming consoles and such, do you have any advice on how I can better handle him, my parents and this situation? I'm so frustrated!
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
10 months ago from Western United States
If your name is on the house, have him served with eviction paperwork. Shut off any utilities that are in your name. Once he leaves the house, sell it and recoup some of your losses. Don’t give him money and don’t help him. When he asks for money tell him you know he is capable and smart enough to support himself. You don’t have to be mean, just don’t give in. You can’t buy love but, you can go broke trying.
Jmccollo
10 months ago
My son is 42 and and hasn’t held a job for the last 9 months. He has addiction problems, both alcohol and drugs which landed him in jail repeatedly and finally prison for 18months. He was released 8 years ago and moved to our town. He got a pt job and rented an apt after living with us for a month. He refused the recommended mental health counseling (for B-P and addictions) but did start taking his meds regularly. All went well for a couple of years with only a few regressions. I decided to buy a house for him to rent from me and he faithfully paid the rent until 9 months ago when he quit his job. I had suspected he was using drugs again due to his moodiness and anger to everyone but I had no proof. He has only paid one month’s rent since Dec and has constantly been hounding me for money for food, utilities, gas and cigarettes. I have paid some of those bills directly or taken him to grocery but rarely give him cash as I think he spends it on drugs. He picked up a girlfriend along the way and she’s moved into the house. Neither of them work but I suspect sell drugs and I know she has stolen from stores resell items. My son denies this. For the last 10 days he has begged me constantly to pop 1000 to bail her out and I wont. I have asked him to stop calling me about it but he gets angry and sends horrible texts and messages to my phone. This has been his pattern for 20+ years. I know a lot of his behavior is my fault as I have enabled this pattern of behavior due to fear and guilt on my part. His older sister was killed in a car accident when he was 14. His father and I divorced within a year of the accident. His father was also physically abusive to me and emotionally abusive to my son. I just wanted to be sure my son didn’t suffer anymore so gave in to him and bailed him out for years whenever things got rough. I have remarried and my husband is done with my son. Husband gave him his job and a truck and had been super supportive and loving to him since release from prison. Son in return quit the job and totaled the truck. We also suspect that son was involved in break-in at our business but have no proof that he is the one who stole money and checks. I am done. I have been seeing a therapist who tells me to just not talk to him, answer his texts or phone calls. I tried that but it escalated his behavior and he threatened us in our home. Police were called and that charge is pending. Please tell me how to extricate myself and my husband from this nightmare. I need advice!
Sent from my iPad
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
10 months ago from Western United States
@Claire3177
Good or bad the examples we set for our children often come back to haunt us. Be honest with your daughter about your negative experience with drugs and alcohol. Her behavior is a result of self esteem issues. People with low self esteem are easy targets for drug dealers and "party" friends. Right now your daughter feels important because she thinks she belongs with these people. It has not occurred to her that these people do not bring quality into her life. Truthfully, she is not likely to care. The question is how long are you prepared to support her current life style? Chances are good that your money is funding her drinking and partying. If she isn't going back in school, it may be time to cut support. The best option is to relocate her to another place and get her back in school. It sounds like she needs a good counselor or to attend a self esteem building retreat. Either way staying where she is, is a bad idea.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
10 months ago from Western United States
@17337
As you have probably suspected your wife is enabling her son. It sounds like the house is too expensive for him. Since this is the second year in a row where you are bailing him out, maybe he should consider a less expensive housing option. That said your wife is using money to make herself feel needed in her son's life. The more self sufficient he is, the higher his self esteem will be. Running to mommy is not going to make him feel good about himself. If he is not under care for the depression, get him help. Men need strong male relationships, mentor him. Take a more active roll in his life. It is the time we spend with people that helps with depression not the money we spend.
Claire3177
10 months ago
I have a 19 year old daughter who lives away from home. We live on an island and she lives in a city on the mainland 100s of miles away. She originally left home to study and we have supported her financially. She made the decision to leave her studies a few months ago. I have told her that if she wants to continue to live away she needs to find a job and support herself. I have given her a few months grace to get a job and get an income. I have given her the end of August as a cut off date.
She left home at 17 and for the first year was a model student, played lots of sports and worked as well. Since turning 18 she has taken to the party lifestyle, drinking, taking drugs, and left her studies. She has a part time job in a club at the moment but it is not enough to survive on. She says she is looking for jobs and had an interview for today. Only problem is she went out last night, got drunk, picked a fight with someone and lost her phone.
I have replaced her phone 3 times already but told her I am not doing it this time. She has a lovely black eye so is not going to the interview. I am at my wits end with her. I don't want to enable her and simply can't afford to continue supporting her financially.
I have tried to be fair and I feel she just throws it back in my face. I suppose my real worry is that she turns to illegal means to fund her lifestyle. I end up feeling responsible for her behaviour as I feel she didn't have the best upbringing by me. I myself was into drink and drugs and was a single parent until she was 9. I met a man who is now my husband and we have an 8 year old son. I am not who I was when my daughter was younger and we have a very stable life and have done for some time. I still carry a lot of guilt that she had such a different upbringing to her brother. Her real dad has never really been in her life or taken a genuine interest in her. None of his family bother with her either. She also had a bit of a shit time going through high school and didn't have great friends. She seems to have lots of friends now and they all have the shared interest of being gay. She came out last year and all her friends are gay.
I understand a lot of her acting out but how do I balance understanding and support without enabling her or causing more damage?
l7337
10 months ago
I have been married for about 20 years and my wife has a 32 year old adult child. He has a 9 month old child with a former girl friend, but does not take care of him. He is continuously getting in financial issues and cannot keep a decent job.
We currently buy diapers for his child & pay his medical insurance in case something goes wrong. A few times a year, he has emergencies because he either doesn't work or doesn't budget. Last year, we paid $1000 for car repairs and $2500 to catch his mortgage back up.
This year, we paid another $1000 for car issues and my wife now says we have to pay $4000 to keep is house from being sold due to foreclosure. He is constantly depressed and refuses to get help or follow advice.
When I tell my wife NOT to give him money, she says she is doing it to save his life. He will not have anywhere to go and might commit suicide due to his depression. She says she will spend ANY amount to keep him alive.
What do you think?
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
11 months ago from Western United States
It depends on the purpose of the trip. If you wanted to spend time with him, then by all means go on the trip. If the trip was a celebration of his responsibility or a reward, then you might want to cancel the trip.
Tyisha
11 months ago
My son will be turning 21 this month. I had planned to take him on a trip. He moved out 3 months ago, still has not found or job or signed up for school. He is living off his savings. Which is practically at 0. He has not asked me for help. Should I continue with the trip?
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
11 months ago from Western United States
Sandra,
You have two options, you can either email me or post your question here.
Thank you,
M.D. Jackson MSIOP
sandra
11 months ago
i have questions about my child
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
11 months ago from Western United States
Life skills should be taught to every person. Show him how to do the following:
1. Check his oil/water in a car and change a tire
2. Look for a job on indeed, have him apply to see what its like, how to match experience
3. Find an apartment (have him look up what it will cost for utilities ect.With this he should know the sates rental laws or at least where to find them.
4. Have him build a budget in excel
5. Teach him about debt contracts
6. He should be able to read a map without GPS
7. Teach him how credit works,Debt to income, credit scores ect.
8. how to use basic hand tools around the house (Screw driver, wrench, hammer)
9. Common sense training (Write down a list of things that happened to you in your life and ask him how he would handle it.
10. Street smarts; don't drink with people you don't know, lock your doors ect.
Its a lot but you can do this and get them ready for life.
StellarG
11 months ago
I am not a parent, but I am an aunt looking for ways to best help prepare my nieces and nephews to be able to fend for themselves and be productive, responsible humans while they have adults around that can help them. At the base of things, they are homeschooled by their parents and that is the general rule of thumb when it comes to teaching them things, but I can see where there are gaps where teaching has slacked off and I feel that could lead to issues down the road if the basics are not learned as well. For example, my oldest nephew is now 17 and in speaking with him about life skills and basics he should know, I can clearly tell he does not and that makes me concerned for his future. I don't know everything that goes on in the household, but I know if he had to move out today on his own, it would be a disaster. He doesn't know how to look for a job, fill out a resume, conduct an interview etc and I recently found out that he stopped doing the Penn Foster HS program in Jan. because he stated "he could not focus". Luckily, I had several talks with him and convinced him to start back with this program and complete it because without these basics he would not be able to begin to get a job. I am looking for advice or resources on how I can best help him directly in my role as his aunt.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
12 months ago from Western United States
I'm not sure if this person is living with you or not. Here is the thing, if he makes good money yet never pays his bills, he has issues with budgeting. People with bipolar can learn budgeting. Sit down with him and teach him to budget and save. Then let him know that you are no longer going to pay his bills. If he screws up he won't have a cell phone. You can't learn his lessons for him. Also he needs to get involved with some form of physical activity to channel his energy. Teach him independence, not dependence. Lastly, his bipolar may be hormonal, have his testosterone levels checked. The brain keeps growing until 25 and he may just be experiencing brain growth.
Denise Cmar
12 months ago
25 year old who is bi polar. Has had numerous acting out behavior episodes. Been on meds and had therapy
Works making good money but when gets paid no money many times to pay for his bills. Then have to help him out to pay car insurance , gas money etc. Pay for his car tolls and cell phone. I know enabling
What can my husband and i do? What ultimatum ? Send him out on street? Need help please!
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
12 months ago from Western United States
Hello Cindy,
Your best option is to stop bringing this up to your husband. Instead, start getting your lazy stepson to help around the house. Anytime you are doing anything ask him to come and help you. Floors, dishes, yard work, all of it. Continue to ask him to help in front of his dad. One of two things will happen, either the son will start helping in which case at least he is pulling his weight or the son won't help and your husband will see that the son is a lazy moocher. This constant asking him to do things will also bother the son. He is only there for a free ride, he doesn't want to do anything. Once he realizes the free ride is over, he will move on.
cindy
12 months ago
I've been married for 25 years my husband has a 42 year old son that is living with us for 8 months now i told my husband i didn't want no one living with us he replied he has no were to go in the 8 months he's applied for disability he was turned down he is lazy we get paper in the mail that his lawer still trying to get it, he has lived with his mother, his brother, and friends this is taking a toll on are
Our marriage i told him he has 2 weeks to get out, he reck his car, will not look for work, what can i do to save my marriage?
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
12 months ago from Western United States
You are welcome!
C Lee
12 months ago
I really like these comments here. I need help with my adult daughter and don't know where to turn. So glad I stumbled on this blog. Thank you!,
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
12 months ago from Western United States
If your children will not have a relationship with you when you are no longer funding them, they you do not have a relationship with your children. Being an ATM does not make a relationship, it creates codependency. If you are living paycheck to paycheck then you certainly should not be funding them. Start empowering your kids to handle their own business.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
12 months ago from Western United States
Your son is not ready to quit the behaviors that caused you to ask him to leave. As a mom I would worry as well. I would offer him food or put gas in his tank, instead of money. Paying you back is not the issue, it's what he is doing with the money. You may be funding his habit. Buy him things he needs to survive, things that he can't sell or return.
Christina76
12 months ago
Separate question: I also have a 22-year-old daughter. She moved out at the age of 19. After a year out of high school and still supporting her, she wasn’t going to school. She was working part time and not even saving. So I told her it’s been a year and I’m done supporting her. She needs to pay her own way. Half of everything. So she moved out. Over the course of 3 years, she’s moved back home 3 times. The first time she moved back, was for about 4-6 months. Then she and my son decided to roommate. After 9 months, she decided she didn’t like living with him. She told him she was moving with mom. He made arrangements for a friend to take her room and pay her half. When I was finally given the courtesy of knowing, I told her no, it’s not ok to just assume. So she moved in with a different roommates; a couple she found on Craigslist. I was terrified every night. She was there for 3 weeks, they told her they were moving to LA in a week. So she moved back home anyway. This time she brought a friend/coworker. Someone she had decided to roommate with. She asked if they could both stay for a month to save up for a deposit. So I said yes. It’s been almost a year and she’s back. At the beginning of April, I gave her $900 to help her buy a car. Her’s was broken and too expensive to repair. Two weeks later, she had dental surgery and asked if I could take her. So I took time off work to do so. When we got there, her share of cost was $1200. She asked if I could help pay. I told her no. I was highly upset. I live paycheck to paycheck. I make a decent living but live paycheck to paycheck because I’m always helping my adult children. But unlike my son, she doesn’t even pay back and expects it as well. We left the dental office and I asked her why she didn’t find out the cost before hand. She said “Well I didn’t think it would be that much. I have $300 and if it was more than that, I thought you could pay.” So again, she expects. Now she’s back paying nothing but only for a month again. I’m tired of feeling like a hotel, an open ATM and always being broke because of my children. I’m also afraid to lose them and I’m just afraid for them overall. It’s just us 3. We have zero family and their father has never been around. They have no where else to go. But at the same time, I know I’m enabling them.
Christina76
12 months ago
My 25-year-old son has/had a drinking and drug addiction. I tried helping by doing things HIS way. Meaning, he said he didn’t need professional help, just... It was always something different. Recently, he asked to move back home because being at home makes him happy and he wouldn’t need to drink or do drugs. He also asked if he could live rent free in order to get himself out of debt from this problem. So I said yes to both. But I wanted him to seek professional help. He still would not do it. But I was still willing to give him a chance. After 3 days, he said he was going to a baseball game with a friend. I casually told him “Don’t be drinking.” He asked “Why not?” We went back and forth for a few minutes until I finally told him “I’m sorry son, but this is not going to work.” So he left. He’s not mad and still comes around to visit. But I worry if I made the right choice. What if he only gets deeper? And he’s also always borrowing money. He always pays it back when he says he will and it’s never large amounts. Between $30-$60 at a time. But it’s all the time. At least 3-6 times a month. I continue to loan it to him but I also don’t know if I should be?
Barbara
13 months ago
MY Husbands son is 46 and basically lives out of a suitcase. I am married to his father for 8 years , we have been involved for 21. I moved into his home when we married, it is the home his son grew up in. However he never had anything to do with this house all those years. I moved my belon tings from my apartment to the rooms upstairs.they were empty and neglected. I took care of this house , all of my clothing are in the room upstairs. I work full time, I am 62 . My children are grown and independent.
Without discussing anything with me his son now stays here at least once a week. I have to re arrange my things so as not to disturb him when I am up early to excessive and get ready for my day! I feel so resentful !
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
13 months ago from Western United States
The first thing I want to address is the enabling behavior. Unlike your previous situation, your fiance has a long history with her children. To have two people from the same home come out with chemical dependency you have to have either a genetic disposition or an environmental factor. It sounds like your fiance is holding onto guilt over a situation with her daughter. She needs to resolve the guilt. Also take your fiance to the Al-non meetings, let her see for herself that this is patterned behavior. When it's your child you tend to think that the situation is very specific to you and your relationship. Addicts all sound the same. She has to learn that for herself.
Stop fighting with her over the daughter. What has happened is that your fiance no longer feels she can trust you with her feelings and thoughts because you will disapprove, so now she's hiding things from you to avoid judgement. She is doing this to protect herself. Is it the right thing for her to do? No, it also is not fair for you to dictate her relationship with her children. Her daughter is using emotional blackmail to get what she wants. You can't combat that with arguing. Be calm and honest with your fiance about the fact that you do not like seeing what her kids put her through. Your not a bad guy in this, don't let yourself become the bad guy.
As for your decision to marry or not, I have another article about that decision. There are two times that I do not talk myself into things, one is when I am hiring an employee, and two is when I pick a spouse. If there is one decision that carries weight in your life it should be who you marry.
That said there is another option for you. Keep your money separate and have a prenuptial agreement. If she wants to use her money to bail out her kids, then that's her decision provided it does not impede on your households survival. Hopefully, the Al-non meetings will help her see that she is enabling and she will take corrective action. Hope this helps.
md202019
13 months ago
I hope you can share some guidance and insight.
My fiancé is enabling her daughter and it’s spilling into/affecting our relationship. Some background: We live together – have dated 4.5 years, both in our mid-50s, plan to get married in 3 months.
She has 2 adult children (both early 20s). Son is a recovering drug addict, lives with girlfriend and he’s clean/sober and in a 12 step. Daughter (reason I’m writing today) hasn’t worked in nearly 2 years, dropped out of college, smokes weed and drinks, got a DUI last summer/lost her car and has shacked up with abusive guys. She stopped talking to my fiancé last summer and then last month resurfaced looking for help….probably because the Sheriff came looking for her with a warrant because she didn’t finish her DUI classes. She is somewhere between homeless and couch surfing with various friends. She has no job, no money, and no visible means of obtaining food, etc., and isn’t highly motivated to find a job or make money and gives us lip service when we suggest how to get her life on track.
About me….I don’t have children. I did have a relationship 20 years ago with a “drinker” and I was her enabler…until I ended the relationship and got into Al-Anon and learned to take my power back.
My fiancé has enabled her children for many years, until I showed up and helped her understand how it only makes the problem worse. She followed my advice with her son (essentially: don’t do for someone what they can/should do for themselves) and he’s since done great! With her daughter she is resisting, continuing to enable her because she believes her daughter is not a strong/street-wise as the son.
Why is her enabling a problem for me/us?
1) Fiancé knows enabling is wrong (but “can’t help herself”), agreed to stop last month and also share with me her daughter’s many requests for assistance (so we can address it together as a team), and yet despite our “agreement” I learned that last week she paid off her daughter’s 6 month delinquent cell phone bill and bought her a new phone/plan ($600!)….so she could presumably look for work (which she hasn’t). The phone and the money are not the main issue…the issue is my fiancé hid this from me and in so doing broke our agreement / understanding and continues to enable…so, now I have some trust issues….not good 3 months before our wedding.
2) Her daughter hasn’t explicitly asked to live with us (she did live with us 3 years ago and we kicked her out for smoking pot in the house), but she does lay the guilt trip on her mom, e.g., “don’t worry about me, maybe I’ll find a place to sleep tonight,” “maybe I’ll eat today,” etc. So, my fiancé’s motherly instinct kicks in and she ends up doing for her daughter what she can/should do for herself. I’ve suggested she cut her off financially and remain in her life as a non-monetary support resource to which my fiancé responds with “I’m not going to let my daughter starve or live on the street” and so the enabling continues. This is causing a major issue for us and threatens to end our relationship.
We’ve discussed this many times and she fully agrees enabling her daughter is bad for her, us and her daughter as it doesn’t solve the problem it only prolongs it and in fact makes it worse. She said “after we’re married in 3 months I will cut my daughter off for good,” however, her track record and actions to date would lead me to believe otherwise. Saying she’ll cut her off in 3 months to me is simply pushing the goal posts further back to avoid the inevitable.
Because of the diminished trust in my fiancé (to follow our agreement/be transparent with me and not enable her daughter) I am now considering ending the relationship / marriage and moving out as the stress and drama and fighting with my fiancé is wearing me down and affecting my health and sanity. I’m at my wits end…..any advice would be gratefully welcomed. Thank you in advance.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
14 months ago from Western United States
Finishing something you start is part of having charecter. Some people simply do not have the fortitude to finish what they start, they never learned the value of hard work. The same is true in relationships, your daughter may not see the value in staying or working through tough situations. Along those lines there are people who always take the route that looks easy... in this case calling mom.
henry
14 months ago
We have a 42 year old daughter that's been married twice, (divorced both times) with 2 children, one conceived while going thru divorce by one husband and 1 by the other, she's been and out of college since 17 never graduated but made good grades with no degree except an AA can't finish anything she starts including jobs and calls her mom with
every problem she has, what can her state of mind be or her problem b?
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
14 months ago from Western United States
I'm sorry you and your wife are having to deal with your son's addiction. Many people do not stop until they hit rock bottom. When a parent keeps bailing an adult child out, they never have to deal with their consequences. I hope your son gets help.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
14 months ago from Western United States
What is your question Rita? Do you want to know how to stop him from smoking weed? Or do you want to kick him out? The anger issues are probably not going away. Young men experiencing testosterone highs and lows while they are developing. He needs his testosterone checked. But also a lot of men outgrow these behaviors by 25 when their brain stops growing and things level out. If you don't want him living with you, then it's time to discuss his exit plan. You raised this child, you should not be afraid of him, if you are afraid that is another issue. Lastly, Marijuana does by itself does not cause violent outbursts. Marijuana laced with other drugs might.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
14 months ago from Western United States
The first thing is that you need to get your own car. Save, sell something, work a second job, but get your own car. It probably will not be the most reliable vehicle, but do it. Then once you have your own car, start saving to move out of their house. You don't need much starting out, a studio, a small trailer. But get out on your own. I cannot tell you what your mom was thinking. I can only tell you how to be more independent and take responsibility for yourself. I know it can be difficult, things don't always work out, that is part of life. Do what you have to, to be independent of your parents. You can do this.
Emma Grace
14 months ago
Hi, my name is Emma I’m not a mother, but i am a 25 year old daughter and would appreciate for yours and anyone’s opinion on what I’ve been confused about towards my mom. I currently live at her house and working a part time job.
Here is my confusion, in June of 2017 I had turned 24 worked a full time job out of town so my mom took me to a car dealership because she was going to help me get a car. I was surprised because she had been annoyed with me in general for a while and was always so mad at me for anything and everything, but I still chose the car I wanted. At the dealer we test drove the car and she ended up being the only person on the contract because my credit was going to effect my car payments. On the way home I asked her “is this really my car?” She said yes. Then I asked “your not gunna one day get mad at me then take the car away cause you feel like it?” (The Honda I drove to work at that time gave her and her husband power over me when it came to drivin the car) so I had to make sure i wasn’t going to be dealing with anything like that anymore.. so Anyways she said “no, as long as u make ur payments to me on time that’s all that matters. This ur car!” Well I’m 25 now, i made payments on it religiously up until January of 2018. I lost my job so my mom took it from me. I got another job in February and so she gave it back to me. In May 2018 My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I became so depressed that I ended up getting fired from my job in July. The day the car payment was supposed to be paid to my mom, she took the car from me and has kept it ever since. I’m not sure if it’s the cancer that has her being so cold to me, but am i wrong for thinking and feeling so betrayed by her? I have a job again and still won’t let me make payments again. The rest of 2018 we had argued big arguments because I was confused as to why she wouldn’t give me back the payments I made for MY car. And she just laughs and says “sorry but this is my car, you owe me for getting it for you so that’s that!” I’m just hurt. I still live with her help her out with cleaning, buy my own stuff and she said I should feel ashamed for still living here at the age that I am.. as much as I want to move out, i can’t. She took the privilege I had to drive her husbands Honda to work away from me yesterday. I’m just so confused as to why?! What do you mothers think?
Thanks in advance to anyone who wants to give some advice.
Marty travis
14 months ago
My son is 28 years old and on meth he was arrested again yesterday and called us last night to bail him out we said no he was arrested 3 years ago and we got him out and he went to rehab for 3 months we paid 2500 for that he didn’t stay sober long had a job for about 6 months and lost that we laid done rules to him if he was going to stay here and he didn’t listen so we made him leave I told him if he got arrested don’t call me his mother has Parkinson’s and is stresssed so much with him it is heartbreaking to think of him in jail but he is the one who has done this to hisself we have done so much to try and help him
Rita nang
14 months ago
My 21 year old son has anger issues. Has broken items in my home, crashed cars, a week in mental health instution due to major depression from weed smooking, attacked family members due to anger.
Finished high school, bearly. Has a full time job after many different jobs. Smokes weed every day.
L
15 months ago
I am living with my fiance who has a 40+ year old stepson living with us. He has never left home but works. He is happy as he is because he has no responsibility of rent or mortgage and other bills. Pays the gas and electric and the rest of the money is his. I have been told by my fiance that his step-son and I will be living in the house if anything happens to him. When I tell my fiance his step-son should be able to stand on his own two feet at 40+ I get accused of trying to make him make a choice between his step-son and me. I am concerned about my future as his step-son just is not responsible at all.
Crystal
15 months ago
I have a 23 yr old son who was living at home until he started dating a young lady with a child who is separated from her husband. She has been separated for 4 weeks and my son has been seeing her for 3 wks. I woke up one morning to her in my son room and I asked him to take her home. He and I had an argument over the fact that she is still married and he has only known her for 3 wks. and there was a child involved in this mess and no one was thinking of the child. I said he could not bring her back to our home and if he wanted to continue living here he would have to stop seeing her. He chose to leave and continue to see this young woman and I am heart broken. We haven't spoken to each other in 3 wks now and I am at a loss on what to do or what to say. He was raised in a Christian home and knows that there are boundaries that should not be crossed but he chose to anyway. How do I move forward from here.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
15 months ago from Western United States
The first thing you have to decide is what your goal is as her parent. If the goal is to teach her to be sufficient then you need to do that. It starts with teaching her to budget. She should be saving money for her own place. If your goal is just for her to pay rent in your home, then you draw up a contract and go over her budget situation. Scary enough two rooms will run a person $200-500 a month depending on the area. you should look at the current craigslist ads to determine price. Here is the issue most parents have with their children, they are worried they will alienate their child because they are no longer supporting them financially. If you have a good relationship with your child, they will eventually see that your decision was for them. If you have always had a horrible relationship then obviously this is not going to mend a fence. Your daughter may not be able to afford life on her own, but she can contribute. It's up to you to show her the way.
MA USA
15 months ago from Midwest
My 27 year old daughter still lives at home with her 5 year old daughter. She does not contribute to the house. She does work and buys her and her daughters personal stuff. However, we can’t get her to pay rent or anything. She always says she can’t afford it. She owes us money already for helping her previously. Every time we bring it up she says she can’t afford it, no she isn’t paying or you are kicking your granddaughter out on the street. She fights with her 21 year old brother who still lives at home. She can’t afford to pay rent, but she doesn’t have a problem spending money on things she doesn’t need and it upsets us. We give her 2 bedrooms, a bathroom and our family room to store her stuff. We have enabled her for so long, how do we stop without feeling guilty?
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
15 months ago from Western United States
@Salina166
Sit down with your son and look at his choices and options with him. What are his life goals? Does he just want to co-rent his entire life? What excites him? Young people get caught in the rat race and forget they have time to move toward a good future. Jobs that include travel may be a good option, working on a plane, cruise ship, ect. There is a lot of jobs that are great for single people. He needs a goal that he can move toward.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
15 months ago from Western United States
Parenting is tough, it's tougher when you are unsure of yourself and people are telling you that you are screwing up. Always approach advice from a place of love. We do not listen to people when they get in our face. Be loving toward the person and find out what they think about the issue first. Maybe the person is not focused on the situation at all.Discuss life skills and self-sufficiency. Tell your own struggles and see if that person can relate.
Susie
15 months ago
As an outsider (not mom or kid) how do or can you even bring these points up? Is it a spouses place to inform the parties of the negative effect of moms actions of enabling, how it effects our relationship?
Salina166
15 months ago
My son is 24 and living on his own 5 years now,at home he was lazy but when he moved i was very impressed with the way he kept his place....over the years i have helped him out with rent a few times,he moved 2 years ago to share an apartment with another couple but that too has gone sour,same story not doing his share of work.Apart from that he has changed jobs a few times and did not leave on the best of terms,now he has to move and may lose his current job,I have no place here for him to stay and cant help him much financially,but I decided to pay of his debts and worked out a payment plan for him to pay me back.He is depressed over his situation as am I,and Iam not sure how to help or how to proceed
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
15 months ago from Western United States
This situation is a little vague. Therapy can be expensive. If you feel it is appropriate to pay for part of the cost, my suggestion is that you arrange the payment directly to the therapist. I would not begin a practice of handing money to your son.
gigi
16 months ago
My son has asked that I pay for his therapy. He is going to be 26 this summer and says he can't afford to go unless I help out. Initially, I was happy to help with this, but he is asking for money for frequently and I feel like he should help pay if he is truly invested in the process.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
16 months ago from Western United States
What I can tell you is that if you pay his way he is not going to appreciate his education. You need to stand your ground. Make him earn it. He may resent you but he is never going to take it for granted.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
16 months ago from Western United States
Teach them to budget. I am finding that a lot of the younger generations have lost this skill despite having computer programs that will assist them.
Henry
16 months ago
Our 20 year old son took a sem off to change career path (didn't do well on his 1st yr uni), took a FT job, pays his house share & spends $$ on entertainment. He's now back in uni, works PT. He resents us b/c we won't give in on his demands to pay his tuition 100% while he keeps his pay cheques all to himself. We told him he can live rent-free, but we keep his base pay net of his bills, & he can keep his $$ tips so that we set it aside towards his next tuition and whatever difference we will top it up and he does not need to work anymore. He threatens to move out.
miriam
16 months ago
what can I do for not only my kids 29 ,32 and there friends to become better people for them selves and to raise more awareness to the community
Cathy
17 months ago
Mt 40 year old son loss his job Last week. He is now facing losing his home to. He has as operation for kidney stone and stents and unfortunately missed to many days, He has a wife and two children. They are struggling. He is doing side jobs to make a little money. His wife is a pre k teacher, My question should I let then temporarily stay with me, Until they can get on their feet again
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
18 months ago from Western United States
Your actions depend on what you want out of this situation. If you want your son to be a decent human being and support himself then there are things you can do to make that happen. This man child is running your life. I'm not sure at what point he got control but, he did. Probably because you are not living on your own. He knows that technically you are not in charge, it is not your house.
If you son is threatening you, you can get a restraining order against him. However that will not solve your problem. You need to make him want to move out. You can evict someone in most states in 30 days. Start charging him rent, get him under contract. Put in writing that he will pay $300.00 a month and have a chore list.
If he doesn't agree, then pack up a bunch of his stuff and take over half his room. Throw a reading chair in there and hang out. Just because you can't evict him immediately, doesn't mean you have to provide "comfortable" accommodations. The other thing is that if he threatening to kill himself then he needs help. This may just be part of his manipulation tactics however, if he's threatening then you should be able to call the authorities and have him removed to a facility.
If your goal is to have your son become a productive citizen then you need to change how you deal with him. It's your house , your rules. If he can't follow the rules, pack his stuff. You are letting him get away with acting like a child when he is a grown man. Stop making it fun/easy for him to be there.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
18 months ago from Western United States
I would go see him and see what he is thinking now. You casually mentioned that he was arrested for drugs, when someone is using drugs you cannot trust them. He's been in jail for two weeks and this may have sobered him. My suggestion to you is that if you allow him to come home, it is contingent on employment and that he only stays temporarily until he can get enough money to get his own place.
AEH11
18 months ago
My 24 year old son will be released from jail in 2 weeks. His incarceration was due to violating parole and having some drugs on him. Prior to his arrest, he voluntarily went homeless and also quit his job. He said he was tired of working to pay his rent. We knew this was a bad choice, but it was his decision. The homelessness lasted a month before he was picked up. We didn't bail him out because he needed to know that it was his choice that led him to this and that he was entirely responsible for it. We have helped him out over the years sending him to rehabs, therapy and assisted with rent and/or food. But, now he's going to be released and he still doesn't have a plan,has nowhere to go and is 1800 miles away. We thought the time in jail would be a time for self reflection and figuring out what he wants to do with his life. There was none of that. So now I'm wondering if I should go out there on his release date and try to figure something out with him or should I just let him be released into the streets again. My gut is telling me to go ....should I?
Venusdmo
18 months ago
I have a 20yo son. He smokes pot daily, sleeps all day, out all night, keeps losing his jobs, but keeping them long enough to pay his car insurance, gas and weed smoking habit, he doesn't pay anything to live in our home, he has unpaid fines from driving tickets and constables keep showing up at my house, his driver's license will be suspended at the end of the month if he doesn't pay $150 in fines, his car needs tires/oil change/tail light and basic mechanics, his bank account is in the negative and climbing, his bedroom is a disaster, he showers 1-2x week and only does his laundry every few months. He says he's depressed and threatened suicide so I had him involuntarily committed 2x, won't take any meds or talk to a professional. Has threatened me that he'll take his life if I kick him out. His dad and I haven't been together since my son was a year old. His dad has said to me, "it's your problem now, I have a family and I don't want the bullchit disrupting me, my wife, and 2 other kids' life anymore".
I am married also, no other kids, and we (me, my husband, my son, and mother in law) all live in my mother in laws house because there is no one else to take care of her declining health issues, all family has passed away or doesn't exist. I am freakin lost. I don't know what to do with my child. He has even threatened to deflate my tires if I make him leave our home. I don't give him money and I stopped buying food he likes to force him to feed himself. The only support he has from me is a bed to sleep in. He refuses to help around the house and is so lazy qnd irresponsible that he left the stove top on 2x because he was so high on marijuana that he forgot to turn off the cooktop burner. Of course he ONLY cooks food when everyone is asleep. ANY ADVICE on ANY of this? We've had the police at our house and we were told that I literally have to go through the landlord/tenant eviction process to have him removed legally, which could take years. I visited the local judge and that info was confirmed. I'm soooo out of options of what to do.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
18 months ago from Western United States
The first thing you and your husband need to realize is that your stepson is a MAN. He is not a child. You are correct it is time for him to move out on his own. He sounds spoiled and entitled. You and your husband need to come up with a plan. The two of you need to sit down with his grown son and give him three months to find a job and save the money to move out. During that time he will not bring his friends to your home and he will not smoke weed at your home. Once you have discussed this with the son, he is going to ignore everything you said, pack his stuff into boxes. when he asks what's going on, tell him, "we gave you the rules, you are not following them, so you can leave". This is an action, not words. You do not have to get angry in fact do not raise your voice. Speak in low tones. If he begs you to let him stay, then tell him he has whatever is remaining in the three months to get himself a job and get out, so he better get on it. Your husband needs to be strong and support the plan. If the son gets a job, then he can save for a couple of months to get a studio apartment or move in with his pot friends, either way at the end of threes months he's out. If he does nothing in that three months, have him pack clothes and drop him off at the homeless shelter. This man child has to learn to take care of himself. Your husband is not helping his son by being complacent.
JC
19 months ago
Maybe a lot of people will hate me when I say this, but I don’t like my stepson, I cannot get along with him at all. He’s 20 years old now, 2 years ago, he moved in our house after got in a fight with his mom. Reason of the fight is, he didn’t help her to move to new house (he came my house and ignored helping his mom to move) so she given the biggest room in the house for the younger son, who now is 16 and helped her a lot to move and he got the smaller room, and he was mad at her and fight with her about that. Then he moved to our house, and then refuse to leave.
At first year, I tried to be nice, closer, and understanding to him. I cooked for him and his friends when they come over, let them have fun time (that’s our mistakes), and after that, he just keep taken advantage on us. He always party with like 10 friends everyday, smoke weeds in the house all the time even I kept say they need go back yard because I have 1 kid is 6 years old & 1 is 1 years old & I was pregnant at that time. But he ignored me. He and his friends came to my kitchen, steal all the food for their party in basement, even kid’s food. I just moved in the city at that time & was pregnant so I don’t have the job, only my husband is working to support for the family with 4 members (and 5 members now). So at that time like all our foods for a week always done for less 2 days because his friends. They even do laundry, shower at my house so you can imagine how the bills gone. We had the very bad time with our credit because cannot pay bills, mortgage & cover foods in our house for that much people (we now still deep in debt, even I give my husband like 10k to fix it, that’s all my saving money too). But he past my limit when we needed go the doctor to check for my pregnancy and we asked him look after my kids for me in 2 - 3 hours (we didn’t pay him babysitting fee, but we think that fair when he live in our house rent free, foods free, bills free) and then he locked my kids in the crib alone and let the house to go the party with his friends, even didn’t call or text us telling that he is leaving. So I decided enough is enough and put my feet down, put rules in the house and ban his friends from party and sleepover. And that time was a time our relationship went down.
When I told him that he cannot have 3 girls sleepover in the house, he was so mean to me, he called me mental woman and kind of that things, even saying he won’t respect me because I didn’t respect his “freedom”. We got in a fight and I asked him move out but he refuse because he doesn’t want to paying bills and rent and foods on his own. Well, maybe you are wonder “Where’s her husband when all this crazy happening?” My husband stand up for me, but in very weakly way and honestly, I don’t think he has any voice with his son. He wanted his son move out too, but too scare to tell him and he always feel bad because he said his son has nowhere to go. We fought and fought over his son’s problem a lot and never in same page. I want he must ask his son move out, he doesn’t want it before he find anyone accept for his son live there (and his ex is a BIG NO, she even told me kick her son out, because she know how ungrateful her son is, grandparents are a BIG NO NO too). He’s 20 now and refuse go to school, or go to work (I even asked my husband’s friends to take him for a job but after 1 week work, no one can handle him), and we still need clean up after him, we & his mom still need pay for his clothes even underwear, haircut, coffee, personal needs... He even wanted us to let his friend share room to him then the friends paying for the room and he will keep that money for himself, and ask us that he will apply welfare money and then of course still live at our house to get free rent and free foods, free bills. I said NO.
Today I & my husband is fighting again because I asked him to ask his son move out, I even told him we can help him find a cheap room to rent, buy furniture for him but that’s all. Enough is enough. He needs get a life and live on his own. And then my husband called me evil because want to put “a kid” has nowhere to go in the street. I just get enough with him and his son. I want to take my 3 kids move out for a while until my husband found out who is important to him, his son or us. But then I got scared. I have 3 kids, 1 just 4 months, jobless, I have a little save money but that will not enough to cover for us for couple months. I don’t know what to do. I left my family and friends hoping can have a happy life with the man I love. Now I realize he isn’t the man of his words (with his son problem), he promised and promised will solve a situation then when the deadline come in, he find more bs excuses to change or ignored it. I don’t feel I can trust him anymore.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
19 months ago from Western United States
Sit down with her and go over her budget. You are right the fines are expensive. I would teach her to budget. You may find out that she doesn’t have extra money, or you may find out that she is just bad at having a budget. Also, getting angry isn’t helping. Keep that in mind. Negotiations have never been solved in anger. When you get angry you both loose. Work as team to solve the problem, be on the same side.
Rv65dvb1
19 months ago
Hello, I hope I can get some advice please . I have a 32 year old daughter who has been released from prison following a three and a half year sentence for intent to supply drugs.
She has two children who initially lived with me when she was sentenced who then moved to their dads at his request . I continued close contact with the children and weekly over night stays with me throughout her sentence and did what I could to help them through the situation.
When my daughter was arrested her and her sister , my other daughter, wanted me to put my whole house up as security to request bail. It’s a small house, not worth much , but all I have . I. A single mom who has always worked , still do and I’m in my late 50, s. I explained at the time I was too old to risk taking on another mortgage if I lost the house, which meant non of us would have a home .Both my daughters hold this against me to this day.
My daughter has now been released from prison and said she hD to stay at mine as she had nowhere to go where the kids could be with her. This is difficult, as she has been abusive re the refusal to bail throughout the sentence. However, I agreed as we all make mistakes and I do hope she gets back on her feet with the children.
She has now been here theee months. I have now asked if she could contribute something towards the rising utility bills as I’m semi retired and simply cannot afford this long term, she has refused saying I’ll struggle wehether she’s here or not. I’ve asked to help With house hood chores , she says she doesn’t have time due to going to work and looking after the kids. She does buy most of the food.
I know she is looking to get a place and I know buying is out of the question and renting so expensive , she’s saving a deposit and house items.
Due the bail refusal issue and other things mentioned, the tension and stress and arguments are hard to cope with. I do admit I get angry too, maybe too quickly at times ! I’m so exhausted and I guess she’s fed up too. I don’t know what to do as I want to help but feel she’s being unreasonable ? Opinions gratefully received please
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
20 months ago from Western United States
The first thing I want to do is give you a greater understanding of what your son is dealing with in terms of ADHD. His brain is working over time all the time. A good analogy would be like sitting down to watch a television show and the television channels change every three seconds. Just like the TV you sons brain is flitting from one thing to another. That is why he has a tough time completing tasks. On a brain scan your son's brain would show as overactive.His brain is not producing the Dopamine needed to function properly. Marijuana has been been loosely connected to dopamine production in the brain. Your assumption that he is self medicating may be right on. Personally I'm not an advocate of Marijuana. However, drugs such as Ritalin have dangerous side effects. Your son has five more years of brain growth (the brain stops growing around 25). There is a good chance since this seems to have onset during puberty that your son's issue is hormonal. We tend to think of girls as emotional teens, yet boys are the ones who will fist fight over something ridiculous. Since your son has the anger as well, chances are good he is experiencing hormones. My advice is to find a doctor that specializes in male hormonal development (Endocrinologist). Have his hormone levels tested. If that turns out to be the problem, hormone therapy should fix it. If his hormone levels are good, then I would look into medical options that do not involve Ritalin based drugs. It's been my experience that many young people outgrow ADHD by the age of 25. Contrary to popular belief ADHD in adults is only present in about 9% of the population. I hope this helps.
Nurse T
20 months ago
Hi. My son who is now 20 years old was diagnosed with ADHD in high school. At first I thought he was just the typical forgetful, irresponsible, lazy teenager but when it started interfering with his grades, I sought help and discovered his diagnosis. He began taking meds, but soon stopped them because he didn't like the way they made him feel. He refused to take any other meds or began therapy. He barely made it across the stage. When he finished school, he did not want to attend college. He just wanted to get a job. I had no problem with that because it was a real struggle with high school and I don't believe college is for everyone and I did not want him to waste my money with him not being focused with his disability. Well since then, he has had about 8 jobs. Working one month, not the next. Willing to assist financially when he has brought in the income, but not too consistent because he is so quick to leave a job without the second on in place. His ADHD is really interfering with his adult life and the household. He has left the stove on, the grill still plugged in after use, the house doors open after he leaves. He loses his license and bank card every month, runs out of gas twice a month, locks his keys in the car once a month. He sometimes abruptly leaves the house in the middle of the night out of boredom. Falls asleep in his car in front of the house and I know he smokes weed. It's like he's self treating. He sometimes engages in risky behavior like driving too fast, running read lights (tickets proved this coming in mail). Hangs out with not the best company. Although he is very creative (art major), he is impulsive, argumentative, extremely disorganized, He has angry outburst, an addictive personality (smoking weed), gets bored easily, rebellious, trouble prioritizing and chronically late. . Every space he occupies is a complete mess. I don't think he has a pair of matching socks. When he washes, his clean clothes get mixed back in with his dirty clothes. His car recently broke and is parked in front of the house. He just can't seem to get ahead to get it fixed. i want to help him, but he's too unstable for me. If he had a consistent job, I would feel better about it but I am worn out. Here recently, he met a girl older and has been staying at her house every night because it's not far from the place he works. My concern is that she has 3 kids and lives in a not so good neighborhood. I am worried about him self destructing without my guidance. He has anger issues too. Although my house is peaceful without him being there, I am also worried. His ADHD seems to be more troublesome as life's responsibilities manifests. I want to let him go, but I am truly concerned about his disability that he will not address. I pray constantly! Help!
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
20 months ago from Western United States
At some point your adult kids have to get their own cell phone and insurance. This is a given. If she uses this as an excuse to not see your husband then that’s what she always planned to do. Relationships are not predicated on money, or at least they shouldn’t be. My advice to you is to not do these things all at once. Of the two the car insurance is the highest, so take her off the cell plan. Now a days the track phones are cheaper than having a plan and she can pay the $20 a month or whatever for the track phone. Once you take her off the cell plan you might no longer have an issue with her paying the insurance because she will see where this is going. Also I would actually make the statement to her that relationships are not about money. Her father is not a bank he’s her dad. We do not pay to keep people in our lives.
Teri
20 months ago
My husbands adult daughter 27 with a college degree was put on our car insurance and our phone plan while she was in college since we paid her bills. She has now been out of college for over 2 years. Has not been gainfully employed since. I have told her when the bills are due and she always has an excuse why she cant pay them on time. However, the bills in her name such as her car payment or her credit cards (which she has maxed out) always get paid on time. I want to put her on her own phone plan and move her to her own car insurance policy which will obviously make them go up. I feel as long as she is on our plan she knows it will be paid on time even if she does not pay her portion on time. I feel like we were doing her a favor and saving her money so the least she can do is pay them on time. Once it is on her and she does not pay, the consequences will be all hers. Am I wrong for thinking this is what needs to happen? She is going to get mad and tells her father that she wont see him anymore. He actually thinks that will happen.
Mary
21 months ago
Hello,
I need advise. My 22 yrs old son in 2017 have eyes surgery to permanently change his eyes color. A type of lences was insicioned in his iris. Surgery didnt go well. He was performed other surgery to take off those contacts from his iris, leaving him the iris wide open. Now he suffers from light sensitivity. He went to college but he drop out. He came back home.afters 6 monts he brought a girl from Az who he said he was leaving to Tx and share an apt with her. They left same night she came home. Once in Tx, they coudnt find apt because my son have eviction from not paying rent for an apt he WANTED and rented outside of Indiana U. They came back home. My husband told then to work hard, save as much money they could to find a place to live. Give then 4 months. I tryed to help then find a place but was impossible with the eviction. Now he is very down. Low steame, dont want go back college, barely works. If works, he works 2 or 3 day a week for 3 or 5 hrs in Uber. The girl found a job as a teacher asst. He sleep lots. I found out heand her smokes marijuana
Blue
21 months ago
I'm not sure if you remember our story. We love our only daughter very much and we'll do everything for her to be able to graduate in college, but at the same time want to instill responsibility as a young adult. When she was in Gr 12, age 17, she ran away twice (due to boyfriend) and moved out on the day of graduation. She ended up penniless, living at friend's place, and was forced to return home. On her 1st yr in uni, she was persistent to work full time despite of our encouragement that she just study and work max 2x/wk, then, she failed most of her courses. 2nd sem, we helped with her tuition, got better grades and all seemed to work out fine. 3rd sem, she started to lie, sneak and stay late outside, and have a new boyfriend. Since she works, she spends her money towards her boyfriend, eating out, giving gifts, etc. Her constant lying caused disagreements again at home. We told her if you don't communicate that you're coming home late, we'll lock the door, so she decided to move out. In Canada, when a young adult lives independently, they are eligible for a loan. We can't get a student loan because of our family income. When she received the lent money from the gov't and her wages, she was living like there's no tomorrow, eating out/treating friends/buying expensive gifts, using taxi for travel, pays gas for her bf's car, and did not pay rent for 5 months. She had 2 car accidents. She only have a learner's license and apparently she drove her friend's dads car and got into an accident. The other one was she was a passenger. Then, she failed all her courses. Now, she's changing career plans and took a semester break. She now owes 5 month's rent, car accident premium, and wasted over 9k tuition for the whole year. We asked her if she wants to come home and we'll find a better way to work this out. She said that the only way she can come home is if we pay her full tuition in full. We asked her, we can loan you tuition, and once she graduates, she pays us half and she keeps the rest. She also demanded that she will only work 5x a month. We asked her if she can at least contribute a little from her salary so that we don;t have to apply so much for loan. She said whatever she earns, she will deduct her phone and allowance, and whatever is left is for the tuition, AND she wants to keep her tips 100%. Her work as a server gets more tips than their base bay. Calculation wise, after she deducts the phone & allowance from her base pay, she will only end up contributing $50-100 a month while she gets $600. We asked if she can use her tips towards her allowance and she said no and would not compromise. She said that she wants to be able to buy stuff she wants and save money for car. We said how can you prioritize your wants when you can't even sustain your needs? Long story short, she's not happy and decided that she just stay with her friend. She also said that she can't commit with chores because she's busy with work during her semester off. We mentioend that we will not sign your loan if you have enough money to pay for your tuition next semester because we don't want you to end up in a mountain of debt. Is it right that as parents, we swallow finacing her tuition 100% and at the mercy of whatever she can give us? All we hope for is for her to acknowledge that we are doign this for her and if she can pool in her resources and we all decide how to best manage her needs. If she needs to replace her computer replace her broken guitar, we can understand that. We wish we can be united and she stays at home with a sense of shared responsibility, but it seems that no matter what we do, she likes to be away from us and do what she wants. Help.
o just study and only work 2x/wk, hencewhile in 1st yr uni, failed most of her courses in the 1st sem. 2Snd
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
21 months ago from Western United States
Stephanie,
Let me get this straight, you thought your husband wasn't nice enough about the rules, so you took over for him and your son doesn't follow the rules? Why should your son listen to you? Your husband has been cut off at the knees by you. The first thing you should do is apologize to your husband. The two of you have to present a united front to your son. I'm not sure why your son is having parties in your home. That in of itself is disrespectful. No adult child is fearful of their mom. this is part of the issues kids have today in leaving home. Their mothers are not disciplinarians and when they are, they feel guilty about it. You need to decide what you want the outcome to be because this adult child is not going "act" the way you want. Do you want him out of the house? Are you going to start making him contribute to the household through rent and chores? You need to figure out what the goal is here. Whatever the goal, you need to present it with your husband.
Stephanie
21 months ago
I have an adult son who is 21. Whenever he is asked to do something like clean up his mess from a party he had and take the trash out he says he will and never does so I tell him again to do it later that day and he finally cleans but doesn't take trash out. He says fuck you to me for telling him I expect him to do what I say why he lives in my house. How do I handle this? I've taken over enforcing rules because my husband is at his wits in and I thought he was too mean but now I see what he was dealing with
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
21 months ago from Western United States
It is not your responsibility to pay for your sons adult life. I'm not sure why you would pay their rent. Either you feel guilty because you think you were not a good mom, or you are worried your son will cut off contact if you are not giving him money. Neither of these is a healthy reason to enable him. If he calls you for money, tell him you don'r have it. Also you need to reinforce with him that he is an adult and needs to make his own decisions. This isn't play time anymore. One day you will be gone from this earth and where do think your son is going to go for money? What is he going to do then? Your actions are not helping him be an independent human being, they are creating a drain on society. So stop giving him money. No more money. If you were a horrible mom, then go get counseling to deal with yourself.
KristiO68
21 months ago
I have enabled my son since he was 17 and he is now 20. He smokes pot and I've bailed him out of jail, bought him cars, got him jobs that he quit, paid for his apartment and more. I tried getting him counseling. You name it, I've tried it. He is now married and once again I got them an apartment and paid the rent because they didn't hold down jobs. He was supposed to go into the Navy and then changed his mind because one of the reasons is he can't and won't give up marijuana. They finally got their own little place, which I again paid for to move in and he had a job and quit due to it being so far to drive. It is more of the same and now they can't pay their rent, but I have cut them off financially because they need to grow up and take responsibility. Normally I have always bailed them out, but I can't do it anymore. I have put myself in financial debt and can't do it. They need to grow up and take responsibility. This is the hardest thing I've ever done because they can't live here and may end up in a shelter, but they have got to learn that they have to be responsible. I've tried everything. I tried to help with $300 and they didn't use it for rent. I'm sure he bought marijuana and other things. Am I doing the right thing by cutting off the money? Why is it making me feel like I'm a bad mom for not helping anymore?
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
21 months ago from Western United States
Ask yourself why you feel guilty. Did you do something to cause him to turn to drugs? Did you abuse him, neglect him, keep him from his father, do drugs in front of him? If the answer to these questions is no, then you shouldn't feel guilty. Your guilt comes in when you create false narratives in your head, like "it's your fault for raising a drug addict". Most people do not intentionally raises a drug addict. It's poor choices on the part of the person who decided to try an illegal substance. You cant get hooked on something you never try. He has made bad choices and continues to do so. You can love your son and support him emotionally, you can't fix the habit. I would say if you want to help him, get him treatment. Don't bail him out of jail.
LEarl
21 months ago
My adult son was arrested recently for drugs, he has destroyed his marriage, and has pawned everything he has owned. Yet with every phone call I get from him of begging for me to bail him out and I continue to be strong enough to say NO, how do I deal with this guilt I have for not bailing him out? These are his choices he has made getting him in this situation yet as a mom, I can't stop worrying about him non stop. I am angry, I am frustrated, I am every emotion imaginable, and can't shut the guilt I have off
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
21 months ago from Western United States
Have your husband get your son's things together, and take him to the homeless shelter. He obviously has no intentions of bettering himself. If you feel badly about this, but him a tent. You have already taken on enough. Let him go.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
21 months ago from Western United States
We all have anxiety because your minds can create situations that do not exist. Once your son finishes high school he needs an exit plan. If he doesn't have one, now is the time to start.
Verona
21 months ago
This site is very helpful. I have a 19 yr old. Im lone Parent. He is just finished high school but is suffering severe anxiety. He wont work. I dont think he can. However, he is costing me more money than I can afford. I give him very little pocket money in return for very badly done housework. But I pay for his phone so I can contact him, the Gym to help his depression and clothes (just enuf), so he doesnt go without. He is ungrateful and will only wear designer stuff. Thats why I limit the amount he gets. He currently has to wear black socks so it doesnt look like hes wearing sandals to cover the holes. He has a perfectly good pair of addidas for 2 years, which were costly but he wont wear them. Thats why Im holding out on new shoes for him.
martha
21 months ago
I have a 56 year old homeless son, I am 77 and my husband is 78. I might also add that my son's only biological son was taken away from him and his then wife at birth, They had 3 years to get him back and never did anything they were suppose to do, He was placed in our home at 2 weeks and when he was put into adoption , we loved him so much and both of us were in good health, We adopted him, He knows we are his biological grandparents, He refers to us as mom and dad, He know most of the story about why we have him, His biological mother has never even attempted to see him and my son sees him , but they do not have a relationship. My son will not do anything for himself, For years he has gone from friends house to relative to us sleeping on the couch, porch where ever he can, Recently he has been staying here, He spent the summer sleeping and eating here, We were unable to leave our home to go on a little trip. We fed him all summer and kept telling him he had to find a place to go because we could not afford it anymore and at our ages and still mom and dad to a teenager we could not take the stress that it is causing us all. He never did anything, I gave him numbers to call, my husband took him places and still he does nothing for himself, School is starting Monday and my young son and that is what he is does not need the added anxiety of him here nor do i or my husband, He waits for people to do for him, He stays up all night watching porn on his phone and sleeps all day on the porch, with people walking by looking at him, I love him of course but i am stretched thin as it is, We do not know what to do short of calling the police , and we really do not want that, Come Monday a,m, i get up at 5 am to get myself ready to take my young son to school at 6;30. I am healthy but i still need time to be moving around, I cannot stand the thought of him being on my couch or porch and me leaving and coming back and he is sleeping,My young son will not ask friends here with him sleeping on the porch snoring, Please advise us, We are lost as we we can do no more , for someone that will not help himself,
Val@wolf
21 months ago
My. Son. Is. 28.years. Old. Still. Lying. About. Trying. To. A. Shelter. Being. Stay here. For. Three. Months
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
22 months ago from Western United States
I'm not sure what the situation is between you and your younger children. Obviously you are angry with them. It is not your older children's job to inform you of issues with the younger two. It is not fair to your older children to make them a go between. If your younger children are useless drains on society and you wish to cut them out of any prosperous situation, that is up to you. However, your older children are not their parents and did not sign up to play mediator.
Your adult children are going to go through some life experiences that may change their perspective and behavior. While I am all for cutting unreasonable financial ties, you are still their parents. When our children disappoint us we forget that we still have an emotional bond with them.Not having contact is not going to stop you from thinking about them. In every relationship you should have a goal, your ideal of what that relationship should be. Maybe you back off for a while and let them handle their lives, then revisit the situation.
CyndyLou
22 months ago
My husband and I have 5 kids between us. The older three are fine, moving along in life. The younger two, who are both in college, are nightmares. The daughter is a very good student, but has absolutely no ambition or consideration for others. She frequently lies to us, tells us that she has no idea what she wants to do for a career, etc. My husband has recently informed her that her support ends next year, when she graduates college, and that she will need to get a job of some sort. Because of her escalating lies and disrespect, he is now planning to revise his will, eliminating any provision for her future security. The son is only in his second year of college, flunking out, and now trying to just get his grades to a 2.0 to stay in. He has until the end of this year to make that happen, or he's out, at the direction of the University. We have stopped most of his support, and are paying for most of his expenses through his educational savings account, because there's no point investing our money if he isn't holding up his end of the deal. No big deal, I had siblings who had very high IQ's that flunked out of college, partying, and later had to find ways to pay for college on their own. But, what concerns me is that he seems to think he can treat us and our home with such extreme disrespect and callus disregard. The short term plan is, this fall, when he leaves to return to what I am certain will be his last semester in college; we will throw away the rest of his belongings left here, change the locks, and let him know that he needs to find another friend or family member to stay with anytime he comes to town to visit. If that fails to relieve us of our problem, we plan to move and leave no forwarding address. I am also revising my own will, because I feel that if I leave no money to him, it's less for him to squander. I know if he was ever in a real bind that was not of his own making, his siblings would help him out, if I were dead, anyway. My husband and I are both very successful in our own careers, though that came at the same price most people pay to achieve that--- Long hours, living in poverty for many years, decades of struggle, learning to deal with the small minded people we both had to work with during the earlier years of our careers. It's a shame that these kids are too ignorant and short sighted to see what they are costing themselves now, and in their futures, with their outrageous conduct. In light of our decisions, my husband and I are looking forward to a happy retirement that doesn't include uncomfortable encounters with these two younger kids. We have already learned the value of blocking their calls/texts, and being unavailable to them when they want to abuse us or harass us. Those kids know how to reach the rest of the siblings. If there were ever a TRUE emergency, we'd hear about it, and could decide then if we wanted or needed to get involved. We gave birth to these kids, but we don't owe it to them to put up with their harassment and abuse for the rest of all our lives. If they are sleeping in their cars, the street, or whatever happens to them at some point, maybe that will motivate them to get off their duffs and do something with their lives. My husband and I did well because we didn't have any choice. These kids need to know what having no choice feels like, and what it can lead to if they apply themselves. In my opinion, that's the kindest thing we can do for them.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
22 months ago from Western United States
I'm not sure this situation has anything to do with either of you. If there was a licensed driver in the car, then she hasn't broken the law. As for wrecking the car, I would say that will fall under the insurance of the friends dad unless she stole the car. While this will probably impact her ability to get a license, lots of people have accidents with their permit. I would tell you accidentally opened it, and give it to her. You don't have to say anything. Leave her alone unless she asks for help. In this situation I'm sure she already feels like an idiot so a lecture is not going to help her.
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
22 months ago from Western United States
The first thing is that your brother is not your responsibility. If and when something happens with your parents, you will probably taking in one of them. Your brother probably does the minimum because he can get away with it. At the same time I'm sure your brother doesn't want to be there and thinks he is helping your parents. Your parents must need him or they would take steps to push him out. Obviously at 70 no one should be doing a labor job. Once your parents have passed, your brother will have to figure out life. I would stop arguing with your mom. When she complains about your brother, tell her "he must be helping you or you would get him out of the house". Don't let her put you into the middle, it's not your place.
Jen
22 months ago
Sorry! I tried commenting earlier and accidentally sent it prematurely. I am the one with the brother two years older. As I was saying he doesn’t really have much of a familial bond with my parents (or I guess with me either). My dad is nearly 70 years old running a physical labor intensive business and is obviously more than ready to retire. The reason they can’t is because of my brother, who “works for” and lives with them. They are hoping he will step up and take over the business, but it doesn’t seem likely he has the capability. He refuses to go out and find his own job. My parents have asked me to look for education and work opportunities for him, which I have to try to give them a break, but I kind of feel like if he’s not even willing to look for himself, he’s not going to put any kind of effort into it. My parents, especially my mom, spends about 80% of the time complaining that he isn’t going to cut it and 20% telling me that I’m too cynical about my brother and he’s not as bad as I think. I feel like she is deluding herself at this point, taking the bare minimum that he reluctantly does as a sign that he might be stepping up. It is one of my biggest concerns in life that when it becomes clear that they will no longer be able or willing to take care of him, he’s going to latch onto me. My parents have often told me that because he’s family it doesn’t matter who’s older or younger, the capable one has to help the other out if needs be. I’m sure this is going to sound horrible, but it feels like they’re planning to pass a curse onto me and expect me to deal with it in their place. If I wanted to take care of a kid I would have had my own. I’m not really sure what I can do to wake them up and make them do something about him and every time he comes up in conversation it becomes an argument. I wish I could show them this article but English isn’t their first language. What a pain.
Jen
22 months ago
My brother is two years older than me and has never had much of a relationship
Silver Lining
22 months ago
our 18 yr old daughter moved out b/c she wants freedom. She spends her school loan towards her boyfriend and eats in restaurants almost everydat. We found out that she crashed her friend's car (she only has a Learner's DL). One day, we received an ICBC mail, thinking that it was our DL renewal, we inadvertently opened it and found out that she crashed her friend's father's car and she was at 100% at fault. She only has a Learner's DL. She has't told any of her mess ups (only the good things) when we see her occasionally. Do we talk to her about it or we'll just hand her the letter and not speak about it and let her deal with her own problem/solution?
AUTHOR
MD Jackson MSIOP
22 months ago from Western United States
Drug use is a completely different situation than just irresponsibility. If you think she has a drug problem she needs help. If this is social/recreational use, then that is something different.
Where did you go wrong? I have no idea. I'm going to guess she has a cell phone you are paying for, what else are you paying for that she should be doing? If you are paying her way then there isn't an incentive for her to get her act together.
Also you need to figure out what skills she needs to learn in order to move out and be self-sufficient. What is she missing? For three years you have dragged along in this situation. You need to have a heart to heart with your daughter, not a fight. Listen to her, is she scared? Is she hoping you will support her forever. What is her plan? Discuss your concerns with her. Tell her you are worried that she is not making it on her own and is falling in with people who do not care about her success. Be caring and kind, apologize for saying you don't care.
Then the two of you work together to get her back on track. Sometimes when our kids stray our first instinct is to get mad and push them away, when we really need to bring them in closer and find out what is going on.
Renea
22 months ago
Our daughter will turn 22 in a couple of months. After graduating she attended community college and worked for a year. She hasn’t worked or attended school for 3 years now. She’s hanging with her friends all night, sleeps all day, and is using illegal drugs. We gave her a deadline to get herself on track or we were putting her out. Which we did in August of last year. She was out the house for 2 months, moved in with a friend, then had no where to go so we let her back home. Well we are having the same issues. She’s still up to her old ways.
I have spent many nights over the past few years up worrying, crying, talking to her trying to get through to her. I told her during a heated discussion that I did not care what did anymore, if that’s the way she wants to live her life that’s on her. She took that as me saying I don’t care about her and as a parent we should have never put her out. Where did we go wrong?

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Adult Children—When to Help and When to Let Them Learn

Knowing When to Help Adult Children

Adult Children Who Make Bad Choices

When Your Grown Kid Makes Bad Decisions

When Your Adult Child Does Not Listen to Your Good Advice

What to Do When an Adult Child Calls From Jail

Adult Children Who Are Still Dependent on You

What to Do When an Adult Child Asks for Money

Questions to Ask Before You Give Money to Your Adult Child

"Emerging Adulthood" Happens Between Ages 18-30

But What if Parents Have the Money to Help?

Why Shouldn't a Parent Help Their Child Financially?

How You Can Help an Adult Child Without Spoiling Them

Adults Who Still Act Like Children

When Does a Child Become an Adult?

What Kind of Help Is Actually Helpful?

When You Should Help Your Adult Child

Questions & Answers

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Popular

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