Adult Children—When to Help and When to Let Them Learn
Knowing When to Help Adult Children
We have a standing joke in our home: because I am working toward a doctoral degree, my sons occasionally start spending money in their heads. The standing joke is that I tell them that they have to make their own way in the world because I am leaving my money to the dolphins. On some level, like all jokes, there is some truth to what I say. I expect them to make their own money, work hard, and find their own way in life. This article is about handling your adult children.
Immediately the words tough love comes to mind. I have counseled tons of parents who have given away their retirement and life savings to bail their children out of every manner of predicament. This article is for those parents who always say they wished they met me first.
There is a distinction between helping your child fix a problem they created and helping an adult child in a life crisis. An adult child who makes a poor decision should learn from that decision. Such as an adult child who buys a coach purse instead of paying bills. Then there are times of family crisis. A family crisis is an auto accident, cancer, layoffs, house fire, and the list goes on. Do not misunderstand, in a time of family crisis families should work together.
What to Do When an Adult Child Calls From Jail
We are starting pretty extreme. You get the call at 1 am that your adult child is in jail. After hearing their sob story about drunken driving, drug possession, or other involvement in illegal activity many parents rush to bail their child out of jail. I have maintained that if one of my children does something illegal they better not call me (they know I will not bail them out). I have completed loans for parents who have stated that they are using the money to get an adult child out of jail. Why?
Your child is an adult, they should be responsible for their actions, when you bail them out of jail and put yourself in financial dire straits, you are teaching that child that you will fix their mistakes. A friend of mine repeatedly hocked his vehicles and spent his own money to keep his son out of jail for possession of illegal substance. Even though he knows he is enabling this child he refuses to stop and let his son feel the consequences of his actions.
There is another very good reason to NOT hock the farm to bail an adult child out of jail; chances are that adult child is going to continue the behavior that put him/her in jail. Sure when you talk to the child on the phone they will swear it will never happen again, and you want to believe them. Every parent wants to believe the best about their child. There is what you believe, and then there is reality. If your child is headed down a dark path you can be a light and an example, but do not save them from their consequences. Saving the child from their own mistakes means that you do not trust them to handle the situation on their own. If that is what you believe then you did not raise your child properly.
What to Do When a Child Asks for Money
Young adults today seem to have an unyielding idea that mom and dad are made of money. If your child has a job and is responsible with their money then chances are they will not come to you for money. There are adult children who constantly spend their money carelessly and then call you to pay for things like rent. You will know these children by the comments preceding the part where they ask for money. This is the child who gets a new tattoo, new phone, buys a fancy part for a vehicle, buys new clothes, purchases frivolous items for their apartment, or worse gets a brand new vehicle they can not afford.
Learning to handle money never killed anyone. If your child’s vehicle gets repossessed because, that child can not pay, it will only hurt their credit. These types of lessons are important. If you rob your children of these lessons they will never learn what is important when it comes to money. They will continue to lean on you for help.
Case in point; My oldest son earned his first vehicle. He learned to fix the old Bronco himself and he took care of it (you could have eaten of the floors in that thing). I was very proud of him in this respect. Finally the Bronco needed work that would be too costly and my son decided to trade the vehicle in for another car. He called me after the dealer informed him that he would need a co-signer. My deal with him was that I would co-sign but, if he couldn’t make the payments on the vehicle, I was going to take it. I am sure that he never imagined that he would not be able to make the payments. Eventually he lost his job and he called me to tell me he could no longer make the payments on the vehicle, so I came and got it. It doesn’t matter that I don’t drive a stick shift or that I did not like the vehicle, I took it on principle. He was not mad because I made it clear from the beginning that I was not going to buy him a car.
As your children grow up they drift away for short spells. This is a natural process of them becoming adults. Too many parents use money as a basis for their relationship out of FEAR that their child will not have anything to do with them. That’s right, your actions are not out of love, and they are driven by fear. This is a trap for everyone involved. If you have been a good and loving parent you need not worry about your adult children never calling. They will call, and you can have great conversations about their kids and life.
What if Parents Have the Money to Help
Every parent wants their children to become a happy adult. We strive to teach our children important lessons that will forward their character. What happens when you have money and your children never have to work for anything? Well, I will tell you what happens; they become useless conceited brats who have no concept of real work. I have never met a spoiled child who was not a brat and I have never met a spoiled adult that had any concept of the real world. Make your children work for something let them help the homeless and do charity work even if you have money.
As adults your children should earn their own money. Most children of wealthy people do not want to take over the family business. Chances are they have their own dreams. Let your children have their own dreams and let them work for those dreams. When you rob your child of life experience, then they never learn to make it on their own. Eventually you will die and I am going to be honest about what happens when a wealthy person dies; the kids waste the money on stupid things until its gone then they have no idea how to function.
Case in point: A forty-four year old woman came into my office one day. She was beside herself in tears. Her father had been a famous heart surgeon. He had so much money that even until the day he died he was sending her checks. When he died all the money went to his twenty-eight year old trophy wife. That was the end of the money tree. His daughter admitted during her session that her father ruined her. She said “Michelle, he never made me do anything, so I never learned to live”. Even she realized that she would have been better off without the help of her father.
The Importance of the Sacrifice
When a person works hard for something they appreciate it. When a person is given something they do not feel a sense of responsibility for it. This is even true with college. Most of the students who worked hard in part-time jobs and worked for scholarships will appreciate their education whereas students whose parents pay for their school are twice as likely to drop out. Let them work for it.
Some parents function under the idea that they want their children to have better things than they had, well why would you want that when you turned out so well? Children need to have hardships, they need to know the world is not fair, and sometimes life sucks. Why?
Until you know pain you do not appreciate health, until you know poverty you can not appreciate wealth, until you know failure you can not appreciate an accomplishment, and until you work for something you can not take pride in owning it.
Do not rob other people of these experiences. Be there for your children with love and moral support, not to fix their mistakes and/or hand them your checkbook.
Case in point:
Years ago I had a coworker who was inappropriately emotional. She would cry uncontrollably over dogs that died twenty years ago, and tell customer intimate details of her relationships without solicitation. Her whole life, her parents had taken care of her every need including any money problems. The world revolved around her. At the age of 45 she moved back in with her parents. She didn't understand being told "No". I can't tell you what happened to her, I can tell you that I had to let her go from a part-time job.
How You Can Help an Adult Child
When your adult child calls, talk them through the problem. Discuss their resources and options. Reinforce your child's intelligence with affirming statements such as "you are smart I'm sure you will figure this out" and "you are strong enough to handle this". Let your child decide what their best option is based on the resources available. It's tempting to send money. Who doesn't want to help the people around them? You are not here to fix the lives of your children, you are here to teach them to stand on their own and think for themselves.
What if You Always Help Them
When an adult child is dependent, it creates a negative relationship between the child and parent. The child resents the parent rather than respecting the parent. If you had to rely on someone else for everything, you might start to resent them as well. The adult child starts to expect the parent to fix their life, thus creating stress for the parent. Eventually life situations implode from this scenario.
Case in point:
Years ago I knew a family where the daughter was constantly in and out of the parents house. The adult daughter wasn't on drugs but, she refused to take responsibility for herself or her own children. The adult daughter left her kids for days at a time with her parents until she finally stopped coming home. By taking on the daughters responsibilities the parents took over all the responsibilities for the grand kids.
Case in point:
An elderly couple is currently in a court battle with the husbands adult children who want half of everything the man worked during his life. Essentially, these adult children are trying to take their inheritance before their father has passed away. All their lives the father has given them everything, now they believe they are entitled to more. The man is having to fight a costly legal battle to keep his own money.
When You Should Help Your Adult Child
Most adult children will return to your house at least once. Usually this happens after college. By that time the kid no longer wants to be at home, they have tasted freedom. Our deal with our kids is they get a year after high school/college before they have to start paying rent to us for being in our house. In that year they should save money for an apartment and a car. I would never let my children starve. Short of that, all life experience is for their good. . Let your adult child live their own life. Do not try to save them. Let them save themselves. I guarantee when your children are older they will appreciate the values you taught them and be better people if you teach them to handle things themselves.
Questions & Answers
Comments
- Author
There are not a lot of options for someone in your situation. However, you can try spending time away from the house. Possibly go to the library and volunteer during the day. I wouldn't even tell them where you are going. Even at 80 there is life to be lived. Being at someones disposal all the time creates a dynamic that you are always going to be there. By volunteering somewhere you get the opportunity to meet new people in an environment where you are not being taken for granted. Having the time away from the home, will give you some space from them. I hope this helps.
Your son needs to be shaken. Who is his idol? You need an adult male that has been there to speak with him. We get an idea in our head of what our dream is and how it’s going to happen. When it doesn’t work, it breaks people. They don’t realize that the people who make it are people who don’t give up. He could transfer to state after he completes community college. We have to fight for the life we want, it’s never handed to us. Speak to him from a place of love, not anger. He’s still your son.
my grandson is twenty one, my son is 62 and I just turned 80. I feel fine don't need assistance or anything. all their lives I have tried hard to help them in any way, but they talk bad about me behind my back and make me feel like I am a terrible person. all I do is try to help, but still that is not enough. It keeps me upset most of the time. We all live together to help with expenses all thru school I was the one to take and pick him up from school, buy him whatever he needed, take him to sports, now he has a minimum wage job, but it seems like I did nothing. his mother died when he was 15 yrs old and at that time his parents were separated, his father had custody since he was around 8 yrs old. on a fixed income it will be hard for me to venture out on my own, but I can't continue to go thru this much longer, my days on this earth are getting slim. nothing I can do is right to them.
My son is 18 and will "hopefully" graduate high school in two weeks. He has always been a very good student, a leader at school, and excelled at his sport earning several accolades. He has worked hard since he was 7 years old to earn a college scholarship for football. Trained 6 days a week (by choice) year round so he would be the best. He had an awesome senior season and got all the accolades one would expect. Unfortunately he is about 2 inches short of what an average collegiate athlete in his position should be. He had hoped that his skill would force coaches to oversee that, but it didn't. He got several scholarships, but none to the big schools that he had dreamed of. He then decided to go to the local community college that has an excellent football program that is highly recruited. He said he was going to show the big schools he could play at the next level regardless of the two inches he was missing (this was in January). I then began to notice significant changes in his demeanor and attitude. His grades started to fall, he was sneaking out, he was smoking marijuana...all things totally out of his character. It has only gone downhill. He has become very resentful and defiant, staying out all night, coming and going when he pleases, and skipping school. It has gotten so bad that he may not graduate, which is hard for me to fathom as he has maintained above a 3.0 all through high school until January. This morning I went into his room to speak to him, and I noticed his cell phone on his dresser was unlocked. I have never gone through his phone, but my gut told me to pick it up. I found out that he is selling drugs, has broken into cars, and the list goes on. I work him up screaming, and promptly told him that he needed to leave our house. He has been lying and putting me through hell, and I don't know what to do or how this even happened. This kid was a top college bound athlete 6 months ago and now he may or may not graduate high school and has completely done a 180. I told him that when he is ready to get his life together, that he could come home, but I could not support him while he lives his current lifestyle. I am completely devastated, hurt, shocked, and just overall sickened by the situation. Everyone says "let him bump his head", and that is so hard for me to accept. He told me today that he worked hard all his life for something and it didn't work out, but kids who didn't put in half the work he did are now living his dream. I told him that success comes from failure, and that when you fail you get back up stronger. He has totally given up and I don't even know him anymore. Any advice is appreciated.
- Author
Your daughter is at a tough age where she is not coping well with becoming an adult. These boys are a distraction to what should be her focus, college. Let her go live her life and make her mistakes.
As for how this will affect you later, it shouldn't these are her choices. She's out of your house because she couldn't follow rules. She wants to take care of herself, let her. She may not finish college but, it sounds like that wasn't her thing anyway. Let her go for a while.
our 18 yr old daughter moved out because she felt restricted. She complains that our curfew does not work with her activities, she complains helping with the chores because of lack of sleep, and she frequently lies. She ran away twice already last year because she was involved in a boy-crazy-toxic-relationship, did not get any awards or scholarships. She came back to us because the parent of her friend where she stayed for more than a month realized that she was minor at that time and thought that she would only stay for a week. When she came back, she wanted to work and study full time in the university, then she failed all her courses. Last semester, we arranged that we will help pay her tuition and she works 2 days a week during school and full time during breaks to save. Now, she met another guy. She had been sneaking again. She comes and leaves home late, so we ended up locking the door and did not open it twice, and we ended up asking for a rent and she pays 100% of her tuition. She moved out and is living in her best friend's place, they're only charing her $200. She is the one who spends for her new boyfriend and instead of paying towards her tuition, they go out and she pays for both. When she left, we apologized that we were running a tight ship and that we should have shown that we love her unconditionally. Is this going to boomerang on us?
- Author
Hello Dee,
Since you didn’t say I am going to assume you are in the United States. To the best of my knowledge attempting suicide is illegal throughout the US, your grandsons dad was going to find out about this anyway and he did the right thing in filing for custody. What your daughter needs to know is that CPS is probably going to get involved as well. Your grandchildren have probably been traumatized by what she did. While your daughter will now be forced to seek attention for her mental illness there will be lasting consequences from what she tried to do that may include losing her children. You shouldn’t feel guilty, nor would I allow her to guilt you into paying for a lawyer. A person who is depressed enough to take their own life, is a danger to themselves and others. You are lucky she didn’t try to take the kids with her. If you want to help, pay for a good therapist. She is unstable, she shouldn’t have her kids. Depending on her actions this may have been a play for attention from her husband, in which case she is still mentally ill and needs help. Either way she shouldn’t be around children.
My 29 yr old daughter attempted suicide while her 3 yr old son and 13 ye old daughter was in the apartment. Her hisband had left after they had an extremly out of control argument. I was informed by my son in law and my nephew (my daughter called her cousin to come to the apartment) that she was in the hospital and had attempted suicide. I was extremly concerned about my grandchildren and arranged for my grandsons father to come get him and for my granddaughter to stay with my sister. I did not tell my gtandson's father what happened, just stated she was sick. We learned today that he filed fir ex parte custody. My daughter blames me for losing custody because i should never have called him and my current son in law wants me to pay for an attorney for her. I am at a loss right now.. i never in a million years imagined that my grandsons father would have filed, as i never told him anything and I don't understand why this is my fault. Yet, i feel guilty.
- Author
Your husband is not learning from his mistakes with your step-son. If he is going to help him, the first step will be to get him off drugs. I would make that a condition of helping. By that I mean AA meetings, drug testing, and counseling. His son isn't getting a job because most places drug test and he knows he won't pass. He's not going to get a job until he's clean. If your husband is willing to take on the responsibility of his sons rent, utilities, and damage he may do to the apartment, then he should be willing to pay to put his son in a facility to get him clean. Somewhere inside your husband he doesn't want to believe his son is a druggie. He doesn't want to believe his son is a drain on society. The reality is that nothing the two of you do for him at this point is going to work in your favor. Your husband is a nice guy and that is working against you. If his son wants help get him into rehab. If he refuses to go, then I would say you are done. People don't think weed is a problem, if it keeps you from functioning and supporting yourself, it's a problem. As for your husband, men tend to be logical about numbers. Sit down and write out what it is going to cost to pay his son's way every month. Show him. Let him see the money he is throwing away. Check into the rehab facilities it's the only thing that will help.
My stepson is 25y/o, doesn't work, is living in his car that is being paid by my husband to avoid repossession and using drugs. He says he only uses weed and Xanax. He got fired in December and hasn't found work since. I'm afraid he really isn't looking. My husband gives him money here and there as well. Now my husband wants to rent Apt for him on short term lease with condition of him getting a job to help pay living expenses and eventually take over rent and quit using drugs. He has agreed to this. My fear is that this agreement won't last long. He has been fired from multiple jobs because of his lifestyle with using and partying. I'm afraid we'll be on the hook for the entire term of the lease including supporting him. My husband is enabling him and I don't know how to make him understand that. He says it's his responsibility as a father to help his son get on his feet. Problem is he's done this before. We've helped him move 500 miles away, set him up in an apt for a job and he was fired from there as well and ended up coming back to live with us. He continued using and not working the entire time. We finally had to ask him to leave. What can I do now to convince my husband I think he's making another mistake?
- Author
You are right there is legally nothing you can do. Unfortunately, this situation may be out of your hands. Here are a few idea to think about.
Option one: If you are letting her back into you home, have her sign a contract. If she is not going to finish school she has one week to get a job and start paying rent. If she wants to make adult decisions, then treat her as an adult.
Option 2: Talk your mother into pressing charges for the money she stole, let her judge know she is using drugs. More than likely they will put her on probation and make her drug test.
Option 3: Don't move her back in.
Option 4: Move. Get her out of that town and away from her druggie friends.
If she is seriously using drugs, nothing you do is going to help accept rehab. You could force her into rehab by threatening to turn her in over for the theft. You still have options because she obviously can't support herself. The big quest you need to ask is why is she doing this? What caused her to start this spiral. Figure that out and you might be able to get your daughter back.
Please help my 18 year old daughter is completely out of control , she refuses to finish her senior year which she only has a few weeks left she has moved out of my home and moved in with her grandmother since she could not follow the rules with sneaking out all hours of the night doing drugs etc . My mother ( where my daughter has been living) just called me and said she is done . My daughter took my mother’s car in the middle of the night also stole my mother wallet and took several hundred dollars from my mom and also several thousand dollars on my mother credit card and my mother is now kicked her out . Please help me I am so scared for my daughter. Now she’s is 18 I have no say so ! What do I do ?
- Author
If you feel you were genuinely affected by taking those drugs as a child then accept the settlement and better your situation. everyone can do a job, not everyone can work eight hours or lift 25 pounds but there are jobs for all skill levels. As for the child that is not excelling but is artistic, that is a characteristic of artistic people. They are a little moody and antisocial. I am and know a lot of artists they all are more social around other artists. Now a days there are community classes for artists and children's classes. I would get her involved in the art community. As for taking attention from your girlfriends kids, that is probably happening. If they have a good mom, let her handle it. If she tells you she can't see you because of something with the kids, be understanding. If you want to stay with this woman, you have to accept that she has these other responsibilities. You sound like a good person, you will make the right decisions.
Hey I am reading this article for two reasons you see when I was younger, I was placed on psychotropic medication it messed with my drive in life also robbed me of motivation but I was placed on social security since age 13. My question is I never claimed my settlement from about 3 lawsuits and my problems exist to this day, Now I am an adult living on disability trying to make it in this world but my gf has kids two angels good kids they are but the one kind of reminds me of myself very bright but lacks social skills and probably is depressed she is an amazing artist long story short I know before I can accept a settlement in good conscious i have to value money... Get a Job and earn my own way for a moment but I do not think I can make enough money to help my gf's one child out by the time she needs it my gf has already taken out one loan and I feel a little guilty about being spoiled and competing for there mothers affection the first time i met them. What do I do?
- Author
It sounds like she is just using this guy to leave home. I would let her get her personal stuff (clothes, make up, ect). Life is about to teach her a valuable lesson. She is leaving because she thinks that this guy is going to get her out of your house and she will be free, in reality it's just going to live by someone else's rules. Also it's scary because there are a lot of creeps out there. I would let her know she has a month to start paying for her cell phone and you are taking her off your insurance. If she wants to be an adult, let her or let this guy pay her way, he is going to learn that it's not cheap to have a child.
Hi, my 22 year old daughter left home in the middle of the night to be with a boy she met on the internet. That was 4 days ago. She left with only the clothes on her back and NOTHING else! Today she texted me that she wants to come by and get her 'stuff'. Clothes, driver's license, etc. I was shocked and stunned the first few days and now I'm in the anger stage. I told her no, but check back in a week and I might be over the anger. Seriously, when she moved out, she calmly told me that she wanted to make her own mistakes. SO I told her that her first mistake was not leaving home without thinking and leaving all her stuff at home. I'm the kind of mom that will usually start feeling guilty after a few days and forgive, but I really want her to learn this time... how do I keep my ground and tell her now without worrying about my girl practically homeless out there.
- Author
Your problem also has to do with your husband. If your son went to rent a room he could expect to pay $500-700 a month depending on your location. He is an adult. How you should handle this depends on the outcome you are pursuing. If you want him out of the house, you need to draw up a six month contract with him. If you just want him to take on more chores then you need to have that conversation. Whatever you do, you and your husband need to be a united front in this plan. Do not act alone. Couples have to agree an execute the plan together.
Hi ! My step kid who's turning 21 yrs old has been living with us for free 2 yrs straight he works in construction and he only give us $40 a week that because his dad force that on him, all he does is throw the garbage doesn't help us around the house chores. he doesnt come home until late at night so he doesnt have to wash dishes. my house is a mess right now because i refuse to be somebody slave. he had a year free of no rent and he had to go to college he didn't im fed up i just cant with him he doesnt pay any bills but his car insurance and phone bill.
please help me
- Author
You should only kick him out if you are opposed to drugs in your home. If so, then yes he needs to go.
- Author
You actually have two things going on the first is the frequency of visits. Your son comes to see you three times a year, how often do you go to see him? Its a two way street. You can go visit.
Second, your son is an adult with a wife. It is not your place to tell him where to live. If you continue to but into his adult life he will stop speaking to you because, he will get to the point where he wants to avoid your conversations. Let your adult child live his life how he wants to live it. You did not have a child to tell him what to do. It's normal to miss him but, he has his own life. Let him live it.
My son is 28 and he moved away for college when he was 18, to a city about 3h away from ours. He graduated about 5 years ago, and he never moved back with us, despite us asking him to (he stayed on this city where he already had a job, even though I was against him getting a job, he was there for STUDY and nothing else), he started dating a girl back then and he began to lessen his visits to us.
Now he's married and very seldom comes back (about once every 3 months), me and my husband are becoming very distant from him and I don't like this. We always hoped he would move closer to our city, it's the best for him (we live 20min away from a very big city with many more career opportunities), and we're having a hard time concincing him to move closer, he does not seem to want to, despite us showing him the opened job positions with better payment and better companies. How can I make him move closer to us?
My 25 years old son, drug addict refused to get help, refuse to work , move in my house with his girlfriend should I kick him out, and
- Author
This is more of an ownership issue. I doubt anyone else in your family feels the way you do about the land. It sounds like it's time to sit down with them and draw out boundaries and rules. If that doesn't work then possibly proceed to eviction.
- Author
People blame others for their mistakes when they know they messed up and do not want to admit it. Past the age of 18 anything he did was his choices. I would reinforce to him that he has choices in life and he should look at his own history of decision making and try to make better decisions. You can tell him from me that "Either he is a child and needs someone to take care of him or he is a man and take care of his own business". There is no in between. You can be the worst parent on earth, he is still responsible for himself. Time to man up.
What do you do when you have a 33 year old son blames everything in his life on me. it my fault he's homeless. it's my fault that he gets thrown in jail. it my fault he don't see his kids it just goes on and on and on.
- Author
The 18 year old you cannot do anything about, once they are adults they can choose to see you or not to see you. The 15 year old, you can fight for your parental rights and time. 95% of the courts in the US grant equal time to each parent unless there is an extenuating factor such as drugs or abuse. That means that neither your son or your ex can keep you from exercising your parental rights. This is where most men fall short they allow themselves to be pushed out of a child's life by the mother without a fight. Marriages end badly and the kids are the ones who end up damaged when it's over. You can see your child by court order, at which point it's up to you to rebuild a relationship with your child. That doesn't mean bad mouthing your ex. Do not rush in to set the record straight with this child. Build communication, be honest. If you made mistakes, own up to them and apologize. Trust me when I tell you that those kids love you, they are just angry because they feel abandoned. Know that they will test you and try to do things to push you away. You are their parent. Stand strong and be honest. Tell them up front they can ask you anything they want. Don't blame your ex, tell them that you should have fought harder to be with them but, you didn't know your rights. People are forgiving, and children especially want to have a relationship with their kids. Be calm with your ex, do not get angry. Simply, state that you want your time with the child. KIf you don't mess this up, one child will talk to the other and eventually you can repair both these relationships. Good Luck!
im a father of two boys one is 18 the other is 15, divorced 2006 haven’t had a relationship with boys, mother spoke negative about me throughout those years, now kids don’t respect me, return my calls etc... what do i do now?
- Author
When it comes to divorce, children (kids or adults) feel like its about them. They go through a morning period. Your children are older and as you stated may have been a tad spoiled. Relationships are based on emotion, connections, and time. They are not about money. It sounds like your oldest used money as an excuse to stop speaking to you. All you can do is tell your kids that you love them, let them be mad, eventually something more important will bring you back together. I would go to the graduation, take a few pictures and don't tell the oldest you are there. Don't miss it, go even if you don't get invited. Be there for your kids emotionally. It will eventually work out.
In 2013 my husband left suddenly after 27 years of marriage.
He lived for one year with a woman (still partners today) in a rented apartment, then filed for divorce. The divorce was costly and two years long, but in the end, I am happy with the way it ended.
When my then husband left, one of our children was half way through Medical school, for which we paid.
I stopped contributing for the expense when the ex left.
The other child was in 8th grade.
The older child stopped talking to me because I stopped paying for the Med School.Today is completing residency in a different state.
One year after my ex left, I met someone with whom I am still having a relationship today and he moved in with me recently.
My younger child refused to meet him, cried when he came over to meet her AFTER the divorce was finalized, mid 2017.
After he moved in with me , my younger child (now about to graduate high school) refused to come back to my house and see me- instead living with my ex.
The younger child never met the other women since is totally against meeting the new partners.
Is there anything I should do to get back the relationship with my kids? I know they are spoiled brats....
- Author
@Bee G
Your son is married and doesn't live with you, but you are worried about his employment situation? If he is married, and doesn't live in your home it's not your business. Why would you be worried about this? It's between him and his wife. If his wife is ok with him writing then leave him alone. He's an adult, treat him like an adult. Also your husband is your help mate in this life, listen to him. By not listening to your husband you are being dismissive. Fine a new hobby to occupy your time and stop worrying about your son.
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Jose,
It sounds like you have a lot going on. With five kids social services should be able to help you find child care. As for your son, I do not understand the situation, however social services may help with that as well.
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Debbie,
I understand your need to help for the sake of the grand-kids, however early on in this situation you established with your daughter that you were there to bail her out. Every situation you wrote about you bailed her out. She has learned that she can lead a shady lifestyle and you will be there to fix it for her. Blaming yourself at this point won't fix it. She is an adult she could have chosen to straighten herself out at any point in time. You and I both know she is going to lose the kids again. When that happens take the kids and fight for custody. Other than that I would not help her. It sounds like drugs are involved and you cannot reason with people using drugs. While I'm not shocked the system gave her the kids back, it is upsetting that she has those boys. I hope this is over quickly. I wish you all the best.
Hi, I need some good advice. My daughter is going to be 29 next month. When she was 18 she moved in with a boy who sold pot for money, I stayed out of it, it was her life. I bought her everything, dishes, towels, furniture, cookware, vacuum, everything to get her started. She cheated on him, they split, she moved home, still stalking him, going to his house breaking in and breaking things, yet left all my stuff I bought there. He called me multiple times asking me to get her to leave him alone. This is the first time I said to myself, yes she has some mental health issues. Needless to say at 20 I kicked her out of my house, there were many drunken night, her verbally abusive and trying to be physically abusive with me, but I stopped it the night she pulled a knife on my husband because he told her to stop talking to her mother the way she was. So, where she went I do not know, I know she was living in a hotel with some people. Then I get a call, she is jail, arrested for prostitution. Went through the whole court thing with her, me and her step father paid the 800 some dollar fine and she was out. She moved into her step fathers house, started sleeping with the man next door, who by the way was in a relationship with someone else. Got pregnant by him. He is a loser. He went to jail, I supported her through pregnancy, was there when my grandson was born and love him to no end. My daughter did fine until her baby daddy got out of jail, then she lost her job, was drinking all the time, was calling me to buy food etc. I flat out told her as long as he is there, I can not help her because that is his job. So it went to lying, saying he wasnt there, but I knew he was because my daughter is a pig and her house was clean. When he was in jail I had to go clean her house so my grandson didnt have to live with the rotten bottles of formula and junk and food laying around. When my grandson was 3 months old my daughter lost custody, I was taking care of him in my house because they had left him home alone. She was to have no contact with this man, and my daughter ended up pregnant yet again. She had now had custody of her fist son back because like an idiot I lied about knowing if her bf was there or not. Again he was in jail and I was there for the birth of my second grandson. Again he got out, my daughter lost her place to live, I let her and grandsons live with me, but ended up telling her she had to leave, my grandsons could stay but she had to go. She was such a pig, I would come home from work and have to clean up the dishes and everything she left and pick up all the kids stuff every night, every night, I couldnt take it. Again she moved to her step dads with the two boys. All of them living in two bedrooms. She was there for five years, my ex had only his bedroom to sit in. The place was so trashed you would walk on food and garbage when you walked in. She didnt care, you can say stuff all you like. Her time was spent sitting on her phone, stalking her baby daddy and just being mean. Her time should have been spent with the kids. During this time she again went to jail for four months and I took care of the two boys. Their father moved back to Milwaukee he told me to get away from my daughter. I have tried to tell many people that I feel my daughter has some kind of mental illness no one would do anything about it. Her babys father got murdered in Milwaukee trying to purchase a gun, I was not saddened, I know it sounds bad, but this man lived, leeched off my daughter, never bout one single thing for his kids all their life, not one diaper, on tiny little anything. I thought maybe my daughter would now get help from social security to raise these boys. I was wrong, the man never worked a day in his life. He does have three other children also he never paid a dime for. So now here we are today, in Feb. my daughter moved out and finally got her own place, three days later there is a man from Kenosha living with her, my grandsons tell me all kinds of stuff. Anyway, her and this man showed up at her step fathers house, stole from him and then the man beat him so bad I am surprised he is still alive. Upon learning this I called the police to check on the welfare of my grandchildren. Of course this man was picked up and arrested. He is now in prison until 2026. It turns out he was just released from prison three months before this for doing the exact same thing. So my daughter must have been writing prisoners, probably planning this out who knows. Anyway its my fault he is in prison because I told police that another police department would have his name because I called in a welfare check. Doesn't matter, since she has been 18 everything in her life is my fault, I never do anything for her, no one helps her. Truth, I have had them children living with me multiple times because shes been in jail or unable to have them, I have bought those kids just about every piece of clothing they have, toys, I do things with them all the time, they spend just about every weekend with me. I can't do any more. I cut her off, she was asking me for money constantly, I went through my savings and everything buying mattresses and beds and furniture. Everything with her is a big secret, if you ask her a question she goes nuts. She cant hold a job, the boys tell me she is mean to them and does not spend time with them, she just wants to sit in the house all the time and they want to go out and play. They have told me many times they want to come and live with me, they are now 7 and 6. I tell them they can not come and live with me unless mommy says its okay. She told them her new boyfriend is in jail because they make to much noise in the apartment they live. I told them that is not true and do not ever believe that. She uses them against me, after he was arrested I was not allowed to see them for three months, when I finally did my youngest grandson told me his mommy told him I was in jail and that they did not have a grandma anymore. She is abusive mentally, verbally and I do believe at times physically. they have told me she hits them with belts and phone chargers. I have called social services three times, they have done nothing, not even visit. I was told by a person in the office that unless some kind of sexual abuse is going on in the home they are not quick to respond. So today, she tells me the SUV i bought her five years ago is going to die and shes buying a new car, I asked where she was getting a new car from and she got angry and started telling me off. Whatever, I do not care anymore at this point. My only care is my grandchildren. Kids tell me mommy tells them they cant talk to me about stuff, She hides everything, everything is a secret with her. This tells me she is doing all kinds of things she shouldnt be doing. She tells my grandkids to call that man in prison their father, she takes them to prisons to visit him, why they do not even know him. He was there for a whole three weeks before he was arrested. The whole defense was I was helping to railroad him because I hate my daughter so much that I do not want her to be happy. All I want is for her to be happy, live a normal life, get the help she needs. I have two other children who are doing fine. I have been going to therapy because of all this and my therapist has finally gotten me to believe that I cant be doing everything wrong or have done everything wrong because my other two children are productive and happy. I wish I could force her to get mental therapy, but I can't and no one seems to want to help me get her some. As the boys get older they are going to test her more and I worry about that. I worry about the people she brings around those kids. They have seen her beaten up by their father, by her supposed friends, they have sat in jail waiting for me with her. When they were 3 and 2 she got busted for drunk driving with them in the car, I had to go get them. She was so drunk she was starting fights with people at a gas station. Any man she picks is always one without a job, a home, a vehicle nothing. More no space
My 27 yr old, married son, has been out of work for a year. He's only ever had a part time job and wants to be a writer. He is very good at writing but making money at that is very difficult. I'm afraid he just doesn't want to work, he's very comfortable with his wife supporting him and us supporting them too. This has really come between my husband and I an now our relationship is suffering because I'm enabling our sons behavior. I know I am but it's hard not to want to fix all of this for him.
In the past he's had some real anxiety over working, has had to take meds, etc. but I believe now he's used that as a crutch to not work and to manipulate me.
How to I let him go and make his own way?
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I know that you want to save your daughter. However, the only way to help her if she has become an addict is rehab. Anything else you do for her is going to end in her using you to get drugs. The house is probably gone, the daughter you knew before the drugs is gone. All you can do to help is help her get clean. There isn't anything else.
Hi. My 27yr old daughter is just about at rock bottom and about to lose her house. She had a bf who turned her to drugs and the wrong crowd and she lost her job and then he went to jail and left here there. I offered to help her give the house back to the bank and move home and get back on her feet, but i refuse to give her money. I'm waiting for her to ask for help, she says she'll ask when she needs it, am i doing the right thing waiting for her to crash?
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If it's your home I'm not sure how your son could kick you out. At 26 he is old enough to move out. That should fix any other issues you are having. If necessary get a restraining order. He can pay his own bills.
What do I do when my adult son age 26 is mentally abusive and turns my younger kids against me he thinks everyone owes him something and now he says I using drug and lying and even kicked me out the house I went with my motherinlaw. I pay his cell phone car insurance and give him my room and and buy his kid food and do everything for him
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Spend time with your child. It has been my experience that other mothers step in when you are lax in your relationship with that child. If your bond with this child is weak enough for another mom to move in, then you need to work on that relationship. There shoudln't be a reason for another mom to even have a relationship with your child. Having raised other people's kids I can tell you that kids came to me because they no longer trusted their parents. You may not think you have done anything to cause this, but in most cases this comes from a weak or nonexistent relationship.
What do you do when your adult child will not reach out to you but you know another adult mom is enabling him, and has even said she will make the decision as to whether or not my son is in crisis enough for me to be notified.
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I agree that at this particular point in time it would be a waste to give them the stocks. Hold onto them and wait this out. Your father's loyalty is misguided, he should be listening to his wife (who I am sure does not want your sister in the house). I hope your dad realizes what he is doing before he ends up getting a divorce. If I were his wife, I would make living there tough for the daughter so she moves out on her own.
I forgot to add a tid bit where your advice would be helpful. Both of my folks are retired now, and have everything paid off and have small pensions. I have done well for myself and wanted to gift them some stock I own that pays pretty good yearly dividends.
However, part of me doesn't want to give it to my dad because he enables my sisters bad behavior by bailing her out all the time. My step-mom has told me she's contemplating leaving if things don't change, so I figure this would be a waste.
Part of me just wants to hold onto this stock for my folks and give it to them at a later time because I don't want to be a part of the contributing factor for my bum of a sister.
Thoughts?
Thanks for giving me some more perspective on my sister and my parents. The manipulative part of them feeling needed makes alot of sense. I spend a majority of my time overseas, and haven't had time to even visit in the last five years. She's the only daughter who always needs them as all us other kids are on our own, out of the state or out of the country.
It sounds like a lot of co-dependancy in a way. However, I know that my own grandmother always bailed out my dad when he got into trouble, so the cycle continues. I've told my dad this, but he tends to ignore me.
You're right about nothing changing; I don't forsee her leaving the house any time soon. I am happy she has a job, but she's more like a 16 year old teenager blowing money on a good time then trying to save up and get out of the house. Of course there is no pressure from the folks to get her out, no encouragement for savings, no budget planning, no nothing. So this crap cycle will continue.
I do thank you on your input, as you had some additional points that were true eye openers on the situation. I guess I just ignore the drama, and take it as the norm that they will never truly escape till they act like real parents and put the foot down.
I'm so happy I never got the same treatment.
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It's your home, your rules. If you allow your son back into the house, write up a contract. NO marijuana in your home, he has to have a job in the first month, and save his money for six months to move out. List any other rules you think need to be outlined. What chores is he going to do? How much will he pay in rent each month?
If you write up this contract, that lets him know you are serious about the rules and the length of time in which he can stay. If he is still there after six months the rent goes to $500 a month.
The pot smoking thing seems to take all initiative out of people. The less he does it the better.
Hope this helps.
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If your parents are refusing to see their part in her continued irresponsible behavior, then nothing you say to them is going to change it. They shouldn't have helped her get her car back and they certainly shouldn't be helping her fight a DUI. Even if your sister loses her license she is still going to drive. Rules do not mean anything to her because, she has parents that have taught her that she doesn't have consequences. Honestly, they should sell her car and use the money to pay themselves back for the money she cost them. Then they should give her three months to get a job or they should throw her out. Obviously any job should be within walking distance. I'm going to tell you that none of this is going to happen. I'm always surprised at parents who think they are helping their child but, make them dependent for life. They are not treating your sister like an adult. They are treating her like a third grader who can't handle her own life. Guess how she is going to act? Ask yourself "what is in it for my parents?" what are they getting out of helping her? Have you figured it out? She needs them, they get to feel needed. Well there is a difference between your kids wanting you around and needing you. Somewhere inside one of them there is a fear that if your sister becomes self sufficient that she won't be around anymore. The only other trade off is being able to tell people what great parents they are for helping their messed up daughter. You know them, which is it? Either way nothing is going to change until they see how destructive their behavior is for your sister.
Love this article. I am having a hard time justifying and validating if I am making the right decision to not have my adult son come live with me. His dad and I got divorced almost 2 years ago and he chose to go live with his dad. At this time neither of them are employed and on the verge of eviction. I am having a hard time justifying and validating if I am making the right decision to not have my adult son live with me. His dad and I got divorced almost 2 years ago and he chose to go live with his dad. At this time neither of them are employed and will be in the eviction process within 30 days. My son is a very respectful person however does not like to be told what to do but doesn’t do anything unless pushed. He also smokes pot. I live in my home with my 11-year-old daughter his sister. I don’t want him to live with me but like I said I’m torn if feeling that way is OK. I feel like it should be ok for me to just be there for advise and direction.
Loved the article as it has alot of valid points. My sister, unfortunately is an adult child, and I really feel bad for my step-om. My dad has enabled my sister in a lot of different ways. I get why he helped her at first as she was comming out of a nasty abusive marriage and lost a baby, so there are elements of depression and alcohol abuse mixed in.
However, this was always the case growing up. I was the first born, so I was treated differently; I'm happy my folks made me do everything and pay for everything myself, as I wouldn't be were I am otherwise. My sister, however, had everything handed to her, from cars to places to live.
She's been living with my folks again for about a year, and my step-mom is at her breaking point as she doesn't like how my father just forks over money to her becken call, always bailing her out of trouble. He just bailed her out of a DUI and getting her car out of impound. The best part here is she's prob going to lose her license, so I'm happy she won't kill herself or others on the road. My folks are trying to get her into an apartment, but is acting like a princess and nothing is good enough at the price point she wants.
I won't help her, because tough love is what I learned and unless its a real emergency then not to get ahold of my folks. My dad is always believing what my sister dishes out, but I know its been trying on their marriage.
Any other advice I can pass along to get them?
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If an adult child is willing to go to college and take it seriously, I would not expect them to work. It is not easy to get a degree, it takes long hours of study and writing. There are people who do both. Having done that myself, I can tell you it is rough. So I would say you are on the right track. Your daughter is likely to get discouraged at times over the social issues she will face in college. It's important that you remind her of what she has already overcome. Also I would consider having a brain scan, she may have over activity in her prefrontal lobe causing the anxiety. There are treatments for this that may help her.
My 19 year old daughter has earned a full ride to college, even getting money back. She has social anxiety, extremely bright, and a tad bit delayed in some things. Like she was afraid to drive until senior year in high school, would freeze up when ordering food at a restaurant, etc... She has come a long way. The university university is 30 miles from our home and she commutes(drives) She can do her own shopping and has learned to handle a lot of situations. I'm willing to give her time based on her making her own progress, but I am making school her JOB. As long as she does her job (over 20k a year in scholarships) she can live here, I gave her my old but reliable car and just added her to our insurance. Her scholarship requirements are pretty tough and she carries a full load. I don't want her to get bogged down with work or debt and lose this opportunity. I don't have to pay a dime for her education so the insurance is a drop in the bucket compared. BUT we have an agreement, if she doesn't take school seriously, she has to work for me, either at our business or doing ANYTHING a busy working mom of 2 needs done. If she can't do that, she's on her own. I will loan her 3 months expenses so she can get an apartment and begin looking for a job. This seems reasonable? I am always trying to balance giving too much or too little and expecting what is reasonable depending on circumstances.
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Yes, sit him down and tell him he is responsible for himself. You are not his maid, he can do his own laundry, make his own food, and set an alarm. He is too old to be coddled. You need to stop enabling him. and he needs to start paying you back even if its a small amount each month. You raised him to be a man, not a giant child who throws a tantrum when you don't wait on him. Time to grow up.
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In most states the dealership has to put his name on the title if he is on the loan. That whole situation doesn't make sense, what I can tell you is that either way, if he stops paying the car is going to get repossessed. Let him figure it out.
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This is a difficult situation because, you see the opportunist in these people and your son is emotionally attached to this girl. You cannot fix this for him. He is never going to see this situation through your eyes. A couple of things, first get him off your cell phone plan. He is an adult, if he can't pay the bill he needs to get his own cell. Second and this is the most important thing, stay out of his business. I mean it. If he doesn't want to pay his bills, then that is on him. Do not talk badly about this girl or her family to him. It will only make him hate you. Let it go. If he burns his bridge with his brothers, he will learn how to mend a fence later. With all that said, I am going to tell you what is going to happen, at some point either he will not be able to provide what this girl wants or he will realize he is being used. It takes a while, be patient. In the mean time if he brings up his money situation tell him "well it seem like you have this all under control, you are an adult" and let it go. He is screwing up and he is the one who will have to fix it later. Do not talk badly about this girl or he will rebel and marry her. Reinforce these words to him "I just want you to be happy" Why? because he is not happy and the more you say it the more he will realize he is not happy. As for the lawyer idea, his brothers could come after him for the money he owes, other than that a judge is not going to do anything to her parents for being opportunists.
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Why should he work when you are giving him money? If someone were giving me free money I wouldn't work. He is learning from you that he doesn't have to become anything or take care of himself. One day you won't be there and then what? If he wants money from you, make him work for it, and don't make it easy. Make him wash windows, clean up your yard, make him clean up your neighbors yard. Have him paint your house clean out your rain gutters. Anything that you do not want to do, if he won't do at least that, cut him off. If does start helping you to earn money, the end goal is to lead him to a job.
Hi there, I have a 18 year old who is currently working full time. He lives with my husband and my 15 yearl old and me. I do everything for him laundry,cooking, I wake up early and make and pack his food so he can take it to work. The thing is that he has not help at all at home. He has to pay his student loan and money he borrowed from us but I have to basically be behind him telling him how to do it. When stuff is not available and he can’t find something he starts swearing and demanding why there is no food done etc. I just do not know what to do.He has no responsibilities and expect everything done for him. At the most ment he is not helping at all with money as he owes us like 8000 and is paying in stallments. Any advice
Thank you
Also, we spoke with our son yesterday about telling the girlfriends dad that he needs to put the car in HIS name only and have my sons name taken off. The loan officer agreed he would do that IF the girlfriends dad agreed. Apparently the girlfriends dad told my son that he would be building credit up. We explained to our son that he did not need to build his credit up by committing to purchase a 1016 car for his girlfriends parents and paying 6 years on the loan. The title is in the dad's name, but my son is making the payments. My son had no credit( but had the finances) and the dad doesn't have the money, but had the credit...and the dad needed the car. My son said he will not ask the dad to put the car in his name. We told him that he owes way too much debt to buy this car. We explained that if he decides to start a family, he is stuck with this and you wont even own this car. We also tried to tell him, "what if things don't work out with this girl? We told him he is again stuck with this bill for the car. There is so much wrong with all this. He just reassures us, at 21 now, that his relationships solid and nothing is going to go wrong. HELP
My sons all moved in together at the same time in July. In August, my youngest, 20 at the time, started dating a girl right before Christmas. He had been "getting to know" her several months before then, but she would never call their get together's dating even though he was taking her out to lunches, dinners, taking her parents out for lunches with her, many days spent hanging out at her parent's house, he took vacation time off to spend with the girl's dad( 58 years old) while the mom and my son's NOT "girlfriend at the time took a long weekend trip out of state. My son's "Not" girlfriend at the time said he had separation anxiety and they could not leave him alone for that long. Needless to say, our whole family saw many red flags from the beginning. Although he reassured us that all was fine and the communication seemed fine at first with all of us about the relationship, the more we saw him not paying his bills and using the money for her and her parents, we warned him of the way they were using him and taking advantage of him. He started to completely shut down and not talk with us about things going on in his life and ignoring me (mom)the most because i would try to help him understand that I know they all like him, but they are not treating him right. He needs to stop buying this girl and her parents lots of stuff and pay his bills. He needs to be responsible. When the end of November rolled around, she decided to be his girlfriend. Shortly into December, my son decided he wanted to move in with her and her parents to "help them out". I know he has a big heart and he cares a great deal for these people and not that foolish to think that he just wants to help them out. He obviously thought it would be great to live with his now girlfriend especially with HER parents approval and all in the same house. Her parents are on Government Health Insurance and refuse to work more hours so they can stay on the State Government Health Insurance. My son pays THEM rent and hasn't paid his brothers since November for rent, has not paid for his horse board for 4 months, has not paid the cell phone bill to us(mom and dad for 4 months(my husband refuses to turn his cell phone off). So with all that being said, the families van broke and even though my son has a truck and a camaro( both old and need work), he went a purchased a 20,000 car for them!!!!! I am at a loss at what to do. I know these people manipulated him to do it. I know he is 21 and is reponsible for his own choices but these people are really abusing his kindness. He makes 14.00 an hour. He owes over 10,000 in debt. The dad told my son he would cosign for the car, but my son didn't need a car! THEY did. I feel like I should get a lawyer involved. PLEASE HELP
My 28 year old son is homeless because he won't work. I have been giving him money for years and don't know how to stop. He has used heroin in the past.
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@Rich S
What is happening here? well your son has realized that you are going to bail him out every time he overspends. He know you are right there so instead of becoming more responsible he is getting worse. So tell him the bank of mom and dad is closed. Then let him know what he currently owes you for the past rest and bank fixes. It's important to stress to him that you still love him but, he is a man and needs to handle his own business. Be prepared for him to call you on this and tank that account. He needs to learn to handle his money, right now all he knows how to do is handle your money.
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First of all it will not hurt your daughters to live poor with you. Poverty teaches us empathy. If you can feed them, then they should be with you. They are not your other daughters responsibility. Three people in a one bedroom apartment is tight but, it is not going to kill them to live through adversity. Unless there is another reason for them living with your daughter, they need to come home. Of course they don't want to live with you. They don't want parents, no teen does. They want to feel like they are in charge and can do what they want, which is too much responsibility for most teens. There is no shame in poverty there is shame in being dirty. You can have a small place and keep it clean and respectable. Life is not going to give your daughters an out when it comes to poverty, they better learn to survive now. You are in charge, you are their mom.
My 23 year old who has a decent job but his spending habits are out of control. He incurs bank charges of hundreds of dollars for insufficient funds. We are bailing him out every 2 weeks..what to do?
We are subsidizing his apartment too.
Is there a financial consultant we can talk to manage his spending.
I have 2 teen daughter's,. They stay with there older sister,. At this point they say both don't want live with there mother " ME ". Questions if they get in trouble no1 tells there mother what's going on in there lives what do I do.
It's been 4 half months almost 5 months I been fincialy struggling & apartment hunting & job hunting no luck yet. I'm a Concern Parent of my 2 teen daughter's where abouts and safety.
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As a mom I would be concerned as well. The only reason I can think of for him to not tell you where he went is that it might have been something you would talk him out of, possibly the military or a job in Alaska. I've never known anyone to leave their cell phone behind. Have you checked to see if maybe he purchased a new one on your plan? Here is the thing about humans, we are not necessarily spontaneous by nature. We think things out. He must have been considering something for quite a while before he left. I've always had good relationships with my kids friends, you might consider calling one of them. Right now this about knowing he is ok, rather than knowing what he is doing.
Our 21 year old son has been struggling regarding what he was going to do with his life. He has worked and tried college. He wanted to open his own business but it was not getting off the ground the way he had hoped. One morning we got up and found a note he left. The letter stated how much he loves us but has chosen to leave home for a few months and live on his own. He left his phone so we are not able to reach him. He says he will try and write once a month and let us know how he is doing. He said he is terrified of living on his own and depending on himself, but it's something he has to do. He ended it with "Just know that you've taught me well and I'll come back a stronger person".
I would be totally fine with this IF he had his cell phone or a way to communicate with him. He hasn't much money but does have a dependable car. He took little clothing. I have been a stay at home and he is our only child. I am worried sick. My husband is too but he tells me we need to have confidence, knowing our son is smart and strong mentally and physically. We feel like we are grieving not knowing anything when he has always been close to us and a great communicator. Any advise?
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Her behavior sounds erratic and unstable. If that is the case, then your actions will not make a difference. This behavior is consistent with certain types of abuse. Obviously you have been on the roller coaster ride with her for a while. I would love to tell you that this will change over time, however, it is unlikely.
I can explain what is happening. When a person experiences serious trust issues as a child their own need to feel safe is in constant jeopardy. Without realizing it your daughter is always on the alert for an enemy or someone who will hurt her. Her brain thinks it is protecting her by hiding things and telling her your family is out to get her. I've seen this a lot. People dealing with this defense mecanism are easily triggered by things that you or I would not see as relatable. It works like this, you casually mention Santa Cruz and she went there with her father, she loses control and starts telling you everything is your fault, you just think it was a conversation, to her it was something that will put her in danger.
Basically you are back to square one. Your choice to go or not to go to court depends on your relationship goal. Obviously if you don't want a relationship with her, don't go. If you want a relationship with her understand that it is going to be precarious at best.
I have tried for years to have a better relationship with her but she constantly pushes me away. we have talked about her childhood and got everything out in the open and I explain to her how I moved on and she needs to do that also but she just will not. she's very controlling and turned against her brother and just about all of our family. when her father died my son and I went to her house and told her what had happened and then later on about a month or so later she ranted and complain that we never told her father died which was just false. she makes things up so that her friends or coworkers believe her and she complains that her family hates her in lies to her when she's the one that actually doesn't listen and lies. she constantly wants people on her side as she puts it and we're not on her side. I have wanted her to get help but she claims we all need help it's not her. in a sense I feel that she needs to hit rock bottom for some reason to get the help she needs to be a happier healthy person.
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When a child comes from an abusive home, the best thing you can do is acknowledge the abuse. Tell your daughter, that you are sorry and you did the best you could to get the two of you away from her father. Most people in abusive relationships do not know how to leave, they want to get away yet the exit can be dangerous. The two of you need to talk about what happened and how it effected each of you. Genuinely the worst thing for a child is an abusive home, that abuse if compounded when we try to make it sound like there isn't fault in the situation. That is the first step. As he mother you were supposed to keep her safe. I'm sure you did the best you could do, but she doesn't know that.
As for going to court. If your granddaughter is your only motivation for going to court with your daughter then there are other issues here. It sounds more like you don't want to go because she withheld your grandchildren. That is a passive aggressive behavior. It's a payback for what she did. Now if you don't like/love your daughter and you don't want to be a part of her life then stay home. It sounds to me like you do not want to hear about her horrible childhood so you are allowing this relationship to be broken.
The other side of this is that at times adult children use abusive home issues as emotional blackmail when they are adults to get what they want. You need to develop and maintain a healthy relationship with your daughter. Do mom/daughter things together, talk, be honest. The two of you need to get everything out into the open, and then move on. It sounds like both of you are allowing that man to ruin your lives even though he is not present. What good does it do to leave an abuser if you allow him to continue to ruin your life? Be there for your daughter, it's not going to cost you anything to be there.
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Why do you insist on helping her if she is not asking for help? You raised her to be an adult and she is handling her life, yet it sounds like you are determined help her even if she doesn't want help. I understand that families help each other, but usually the recipient is asking for help. You and your husband mean well. I cannot stress enough that you two need to have boundaries in your daughters life. You want to swoop in and save her so she does things your way. How is that going to make her feel? Incapable of handling her own business? Your daughter is 32, not 12. You and your husband need to let her know that "if" she needs you, you are there for her. Do not try to run her life by going to her home and telling her how to handle things. She is an adult. It may bother you that she does not need your help. It shouldn't.
hi my 31 year old daughter is going through a custody battle with her children. She blames me for all her problems in life Because of a bad relationship I had with her father which was abusive but I did leave him. she is accusing the father of her children of doing some horrible things I know they fought a lot and didn't get along but my concern is always been for the grandkids which she has not allowed me to see for 3 months until this week She let me see them. I practically help raise them for 5 years. the trial date is this week so I feel there's some motive for her let me see the grandkids this week. she now is asking me to go to court with her just for support. I don't feel comfortable doing that because she basically tells me off and she hates me and I'm a horrible mother and grandmother. my dilemma is I don't really want to go but am I going to lose my daughter which I feel I have lost already
Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to add an addendum to my own post..Anyway, I posted about my daughter's dilemma a couple of days ago..Yesterday evening, my hubby and I were talking about how to best help her..He was of the opinion that I should have packed what I needed, brought my dog, and traveled to my daughter's place earlier this week/last week..For the purposes of nudging her/providing transportation to make her do what needs to be done about getting her life in order...As it is, we plan to go to her city to help her move things into storage this weekend..My younger son plans to come up and work on my daughter's car (replace parts in it) in an attempt to make it drivable enough for trips back and forth to work, for driving around town for apartment hunting/groceries..In the meantime my daughter plans to extend rent on her current place for another partial/full month..Given my difficulties traveling(mentioned in other post), I didn't think it fair for my husband to expect me to have already been there days ago to handle the lion's share of what needed to be done.. ...
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If you really want to help her, then lend her the money for a car (go with her to get it, don't just give her the money). I woudln't try to mover her in, get her an apartment or anything else. If she has a car she can get a job, the rest is up to her. As for her decisions, whats done is done. I can't help you change your feelings about this. You have a granddaughter now and grand kids are awesome.I would enjoy having that grandchild.
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Be there for your grand kids. Do not focus on their mom. Let her go. I know this is heartbreaking but, your grand kids are going to need you now. Those grand kids need love and support. For now I would cut your daughter loose. If you stay focused on your grand kids it will distract you and help them. Be supportive to your son in law.
my daughter is 36 married with 4 children she has gotten into drugs and is now having relationships with young men.. her husband has filed for divorce but is having a hard time letting her go.. she is abusive to him and the children.. and has bee arrested for a dui.. and it goes on and on having a heartattack over the whole thing help
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You bring up something that has not come up yet in any of these posts and that is the possibility that your child is a functioning drug addict. Just like functioning alcoholics, functioning drug addicts manage to maintain a certain amount of normal behavior in their lives. They hold down jobs, have families. My advice to you is that if you think for a second that your daughter is using an illegal substance, only help her in ways that will not cause you grief later. An example is paying a moving company to take her stuff to storage, there are not any repercussions from helping her in that manner. However, loaning her or renting her a car could lead to a problem. If you want to help her get a car, do not cosign or buy her one. Maybe lend her the down payment but make the check out to a dealership and go with her. Think about what could happen if you rent her a car and she gets a DUI/drug impound or an accident? You are responsible for the car. Do not give yourself consequences for her behaviors. It's her life, be her mom not her hero. Only help her at all, if she asks. Do not offer. It sounds like she knows better than to involve you in what ever she has going on. Keep in mind that she may not be very proud of her decisions right now, she may not want you to know everything. Give her some space.
My youngest daughter, she is 27 years old married without my knowledge and when I met the man I immediately knew it will be trouble. She quit her job because of him, she decided to get pregnant to hold to him. Now she is separated, he is in prison, she had a baby, she is jobless, living with my disabled ex-husband in the country, without a car. She refuses to give her dog away, so my ex-cannot get a house in the city. I told her not to have a baby, to find a job, maybe her old one which was superb, get rid of the dog and I will help you. She did none of these things, but know she expects me to help her and that is what I am doing because of the baby. What I should do?
Thank you for your quick response..I am praying that she doesn't spiral down into a pit that involves drugs or suicidal thoughts..Barring this happening, I do trust that she will solve her situation somehow..With that said, I do have thoughts of panic that she may become homeless, have no phone service, etc, etc..This would make it difficult if not impossible for me to reach her/find her if she lost her job...Accch, all of these panicky thoughts are racing thru my brain..I don't mind helping her with a car rental for a week if she asks..Is this an unwise enabling thing to do?
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Hello Camera Lady,
Relax. If your daughter was planning to leave, she was already thinking of an exit plan. His arrest just sped up the process. She may have had a plan to go that you would not support. If she has a plan, let her do this herself. She is an adult. She's not the kid you dropped off at kindergarten. Don't call her landlord, don't set up help for her. She knows people and has her own friends. Let her know you are there if she needs you and leave it alone. She will survive. Just call her every so often and see how it's going. You do not need to fix it for her. Please keep in mind that your daughter chose that man. If you clean this up for her, she may choose that kind of man again because her mommy will fix it. Let her learn to choose something better. If she were begging for your help that would be a problem because she is too old for that. You are getting to a point in life where you may need her to help you. Relax, don't worry it sounds like she has that covered.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses to these posts. You have helped me, and I did not even have to write you about my (30 year old) “kid” problem. Heart you.
I have a 32 year old daughter who lives 4 hours away from me..She was living with her partner..For the last two years, my daughter and partner pooled their finances to get by..When my daughter returned home last month from a work trip, she came home to find out that her partner had been taken to jail..On a crime that will leave him confined for months if not years( she cannot afford bail and had been planning to leave him anyway).. This situation leaves my daughter having to tie up many loose ends..Thankfully she had no joint accounts with her partner except for the lease..My daughter does not have her own car, however she does have a job..Because she lives out in the boonies, my daughter rides in to work either with a helpful coworker or Uber..The main problem is that my daughter has to be out of her apartment by the end of February.. She has had three weeks to arrange for storage their belongings and to vacate the apartment...I suspect, from what my daughter says, that she has been sitting on her hands more often then not and is now down to the wire in having to get up off of her butt to get things done..I am a 62 year old who lacks the health / stamina to pack up my elderly dog - myself to drive 4 the hours (one way) to my daughter's town to stay with her for a few days to help her come up with a plan to move her belongings to storage / help her find an apartment..I have offered my daughter money to rent a car (for a week) so that she could pursue the most promising online apartment searches in person..My daughter has already declined my offer to move back home (live with me temporarily) until she is on her feet ..She prefers to keep her job / give herself a chance to make a go of it in her current city..I have not spoken to my daughter since the weekend to update myself on her progress.. From what I understand, for the moment, she plans to leave her stuff in storage and couch surf temporarily..I am worried sick.. I feel guilty for lacking the stamina to drive myself and my dog to her city to lend her the use of my car for apartment hunting/helping her move..My daughter's landlady, has offered to facilitate things by helping my daughter move stuff to storage...If my daughter moves out quickly enough, the landlady promised to forgive her for moving out before the lease is up...Even with these positives in place, I still feel guilty for sitting here in my town (doing nothing) until my daughter calls me to ask for specific help..
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It sounds like you knew their was a possibility of this behavior happening from the beginning. I applaud you for sticking to your guns on this and moving them out. Yes it is tough when someone lets you down or betrays your trust. She is obviously nor her best self at the moment.
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This was a little vague. If you are estranged then let things be for a while. Do not contact her. Life is going to teach her some things and it takes time. I know this behavior is hurtful but if you rush in and try to repair it while she is already being this way to you, then she will emotionally blackmail you to the end of the earth. Sit back and be cool. We all thought we knew everything at one point in our lives. If she does contact you about something and starts trying to strong arm you, tell her you understand her point of view but, the way she wants it done is not going to work for you. The reality is that most arguments come from a lack of perspective.
I have just asked my adult child and her boyfriend to sign off on the lease agreement and move out by the end of next month.
Their drunken and abusive behavior has netted myself, my other adult child and her boyfriend a waning prior to eviction notice.
I have never in my life faced an eviction notice and I don't intend to be evicted because of her unwillingness to address her behaviors or seek help.
We had numerous discussions prior to her and her guy moving in about not drinking in the apartment or being here drunk. I had no idea of their level of progression with drinking or the way they treat each other with their screaming and fighting. The two have broken every promise made.
I have kept all my promises including the one where I will not be taken advantage of and they have to go.
The other adult daughter, her boyfriend and I are living up to our expectations of helping one another with rent in this housing crisis and all the other boundaries established before committing to this arrangement.
I know this is the right course of action.
And it effingA hurts like he((.
What if the problem isn't "borrowing money" or drugs. What if the estrangement is due to the adult childs behavior of being disrespectful? My child has called me the worse mom, told me to f*ck off and quit making my "fair" ways a mental blame game. She is impossible to talk to and she wants things her way and is very controlling.
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It’s not common sense. You are genuinely being put through an ordeal over her behavior. I know you want to help her, you just can’t move her in and jeopardize your own housing situation. It’s time for her to grow up and develop a thankful heart for all you’ve done.
Thank you. This is by far the hardest part of parenting I've ever had to face. You may think it's common sense, but I've always made quick decisions using my heart not my head and I've had to live with those consequences. I just have been shielding her from hers for a very long time. I texted her phone numbers for emergency shelters and am trying to let her resolve the problems she's caused for herself. I am grateful to you for your advice.
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@Blue15
We both knew she would be back. Your daughter is an adult, she can make her own decisions. You don't have to fix this for her. You know because of your sister that you cannot move your daughter back into your home. She has a degree, she needs to use it and get a job. You cannot make her be a good person and take responsibility for herself. Right now your focus should be on taking care of yourself. While this is tough, you can't risk losing your own housing to take her in. In all honesty she should consider the military, peace corps, or possibly a cruise ship positions. Something that has built in housing. Also if she is willing to move there are positions in the city where she wouldn't need a car, she could take public transit. That way she is working and has a place to live. She has options. Do not risk your housing to save her. Her behavior is not changing or she wouldn't be back at your door.
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Jeff it is your home. If you don't want "pot" in the house, don't allow it. If you want them to get their drivers licenses then take them to the DMV and get it done. If you are already charging them rent and you want to up the rent, do it. Each parent has to decide their tolerance level. If you don't mind them being in your home, then you can keep them there as long as you want. What you need to realize is that at this point you they are never going to leave home and become independent if you continue your current course. I paid my kids insurance until they were 18, every household is different. You make the rules. I can tell you pot is the fastest way to have kids that have no motivation to do anything with their lives. While driving is a part of growing up, it's also part of being independent. Without the license, they are not going anywhere so you choose. What do you want the end result to be?
3 weeks ago you told me: 'The key is to get her self sufficient. You have a lot on your plate right now. Until she comes back you need to sit it out." (I posted a comment under Mureen) My daughter was kicked out of my ex's house for doing the same things she was doing here. Now she's facing homelessness and I am distraught. I can't allow her to move back in, she has no where else to go. Tonight she is staying with a friend, but cannot stay there. I am researching places she can call to get emergency shelter for her. I wish I could take her back in, but know her behavior won't change if I did. She is not taking responsibility for her behavior. She's only 22, but when I was 22 I didn't talk to my mother like she has. I don't know what to do with her anymore. Miserable in Buffalo NY.
Ive always tried to teach my 3 sons to be independant. I still have a 20 and 23 year old at home. They both work full time and they both contribute to the household. They were never given an allowance and had to pack their own lunches for school. When they wanted smart phones I told them they will have to pay for their data. If they wanted their drivers license they would have to pay for insurance. Neither are driving and I take them to work. They are smoking pot and I want to know if I should stop being their ride to work and ask them to pay more for room and board since they have money for pot?
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Neither you nor your daughter have passed on, you will eventually work this out with her. That is not the last time you are going to see her. Even if she is really mad, she will eventually come around.
Please tell me that this argument is not just about a dog. She is 22 years old not getting a dog is the kind of thing a child of 12 would get upset about. If she wants a dog let her get her own place.
While her move out might not be ideal, it sounds like she was never going to leave under any other circumstances.
Be careful it sounds like she has in an emotional blackmail choke hold. Do not let her use your emotions against you.
My child is leaving home and it is not on the best of circumstances. I am having trouble dealing with this because this is not how I pictured her leaving. I thought I would help them find a place, help them pack, etc. I don't know what to do and I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. Just a few days ago we were going to repair our Mother-Daughter relationship but now that has changed and it has to do with me not letting them get a dog so they are moving in with her dad. We were divorced when my daughter was 4, she is 22 now. Her fiance has something to do with it since he has been avoiding me the past week and we usually had open discussions. I opened my home up to help them through college and they graduated this past December. I am in so much pain since this just happened last night and feel I am not going to be able to make it through this. I don't want us to end it this way.
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You answered your own question. If you think you can't do this then I'm not sure what to tell you. It is your decision. I'm not sure exactly what your situation is health wise, but if he's clean then it would be difficult for me to turn him away. You have to make your own decision. I can't tell you what is best for you. My advice to you is that if you have health issues and you move him back in, he needs to be a help to you more than a hindrance. It sounds like you already decided not to let him in. You know how you think, what are you going to regret more: not letting him in or letting him in? If you answer that question you will know what to do.
I'm looking for advice my 33 year old son was homeless last year due to drugs , he's now clean and AGAIN needs a place to stay because he is having panic attacks and literally has no where to go , I have health issues and can't do this anymore HELP
@Zimmerman
There is a lag time between when a person posts and I am notified. Over the weekend it can take until Tuesday for a notification to come from through. I check my inbox on Mondays, However your post was not showing yesterday. I do not delete comments even of a negative nature unless they contain spam links. Anytime you post, it will eventually get to me for approval. The only reason they require approval is the spam issue. Thank you for both your posts, if you need additional assistance please let me know.
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I think you are on the right track. I wouldn't allow her into my home either. My advice at this point is that if she wants help and you have the means to do it, offer her rehab, which will give her somewhere to go for about 90 days. If she completes rehab then maybe look at the next step in her independence. I agree that moving her in is a mistake. As for the things she said, people who drink constantly do not realize they are actually changing how their brains function. Her behavior sober would probably be very different. I wouldn't pay too much attention to her words when she is drinking.
I’ve been looking every day since I posted with my agonizing question to see if you responded. It looks like my post has been deleted. Does that mean you have no advice on whether I’m doing/not doing the right thing by not allowing my daughter to come home even though she faces living on the street. My heart is breaking, I just need reassurance.
Thanks so much for your response. Great idea on the charity front. He did a lot of that years ago--sounds like that's what he needs and it would have never occurred to me. Thank you again.
Well said!my parents allowed my live then after college while I studied and passed the cpa exam. Me and my father are an anomaly tho I moved out and then paid him paid for the cpa exam I did 2 two years tax supervisor and ran a tax place, public accounting for 3, and no Now profit cfo 2 years. But he pushes me ... 8th grade I got a 102 average and he said I could get higher
I am hoping you can give me some reassurance that I am doing the right thing because I feel like my heart is literally breaking. My 32 yr old daughter started drinking heavily after her husband left her 3 yrs ago. Since then she has not worked and has chosen not to share with me how she has paid her bills (we have helped her with some of them but not most) I do know that she had gotten several eviction notices and has mentioned she will need to move back home. I’ve really struggled with this because I cannot live with an alcoholic if she chooses not to get help and she has stollen from me (I changed the locks so she could no longer come in when we are not home) It was recently brought to my attention that my daughter has been making online videos that I should take a look at. I was shocked and discusted to find that she has been making videos and telling her over 80k followers so many horrible lies about her father and I. Her father has always indulged her with material things (he bought her a used BMW last month) which I have always disagreed with. It was through these videos that I learned she will be getting evicted tomorrow and has no place to go (she also has a young son but his father can take him full time if need be) After watching the horrible things she had to say about us, I gave her 2 weeks notice that she will no longer be on our cell phone family plan since she is using that line to disrespect her parents and she is not welcome in our home. I am so heartbroken over the thought of my daughter living on the streets homeless as I have learned all the homeless shelters are full. I believe if I take her in, it would be a huge mistake. Please give me your thoughts. Thank you.
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I'm going to tell you a story. My son had a high school friend who was probably the most entitled kid I've ever seen. I remember him pitching a fit because his dad wouldn't buy him a newer truck (his truck was only a year old and brand new when they bought it). Emotionally this kid was about three years behind. Well he graduated and his grandparents said they would only pay for his college is he served a mission with their church. He didn't want to but, not having much to do he went on this mission. The mission was in Paris which sounds great until you hear what these kids were doing, they were preaching to to the under age prostitutes to get them out of the sex trade business. The problem is that most of these girls were addicted to drugs and owned by dangerous pimps. When the kid came back from his mission, he was a different person. He saw poverty in it's worst forms, he fought for the lives of people who were trapped in a life of horror. He had a purpose and group of good kids that he bonded with. In essence in losing the life he had and fighting for others, he gained a life.
There are two things that created this change. The first is the sense of belonging to something bigger than ones self. The second is having a purpose that is not selfish. Your son needs a good group of people to bond with, and a purpose. Happiness is derived from our life purpose, not from what we have or want. I did a lot of charity work for many years, I would say those were the best years of my life. Depression happens when we are too focused on our own lives. When My oldest son was 14 he had some entitlement issues and I took him with me to work at the local soup kitchen. Perspective is important. If you have the time to take him to do some charity work with you, I recommend it. I would make a condition of him living with you, that he does charity work. To start out, one of you needs to go with him. There are soup kitchens, local food banks, shelters, and orphanages that always need help. If he actually goes and does these things, it will give him purpose and change his perspective. It will also introduce him to a kind group of people. To start out I woudln't tell him he is doing this for himself. Rather, tell him you need his help in doing this. Once he has gone with you a few times, you should be able to tell how he is going to handle it. Even with our adult kids, our example can make the biggest difference. Not all people finish college. Some people are meant for better things, they just don't know it yet.
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We always let our kids live with us if they were in college. This is a tough call. Good jobs do not grow on trees. While I normally am an advocate for a change of scenery after a break up, at 27 he's a little old to come home. I'm sure that is why you brought it up. I think if he can transfer and has a plan to get his own place then a little moral support from mom an dad for a few months wouldn't be a bad thing. I will tell you he is about to find out that you can't go home. It's not the same once you have been out on your own. This also depends on your home situation and how you feel about it. He sounds like a good person. Whatever you decide keep in mind that he should not be a permanent resident in your home. Good Luck!
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