Updated:

Jun 27, 2018

Original:

Jul 16, 2011

Adult Children—When to Help and When to Let Them Learn

Author:

MD Jackson MSIOP

M. D. Jackson is a college psychology professor, author, family counselor, and a mother of nine adult children.

adult-children-when-to-help-when-to-let-them-learn

Knowing When to Help Adult Children

We have a standing joke in our home: When I was working toward a doctoral degree, my sons occasionally started spending money in their heads. In other words, they liked to plan what they were going to do with the money I was going to make. I always tell them that I am leaving all my money to the dolphins, so they will have to make their own ways in the world.

On some level, like all jokes, there is some truth to what I say. I expect them to have jobs, work hard, and support themselves in life. The phrase "tough love" comes to mind, but I as a college psychology professor, family counselor, and former personal loan writer, I have met many parents who spent their life savings bailing their children out of predicaments. This article is for those parents.

The first thing to do is figure out the difference between help that will actually help and help that will only hurt your kids. Below, you'll find sections that answer these main questions:

What can you do when your grown kids are making bad decisions and end up in trouble—romantically, financially, emotionally, or with the law?
How can you help your adult child become financially independent?
When is it time to cut the apron strings and close your checkbook?
When is it okay to step in and help?

When Your Grown Kid Makes Bad Decisions

There is a big difference between trying to fix your adult child's ongoing, self-created problems and helping a kid face a life crisis. An adult child who makes a poor decision—like a daughter who buys a Coach purse instead of paying her bills, or a son who gambles with his rent money—should learn from that decision. But then there are real family crises—auto accidents, illnesses, layoffs, house fires, the list goes on—when families should work together.

When Your Adult Child Does Not Listen to Your Good Advice

You're saying all the right things to your adult child, but for some reason, they just don't listen. What can you do? Well, the answer depends on whether or not you are supporting your child financially.

If you're not giving them money, then you're not entitled to them advice unless they ask for it or to try to prevent a serious mistake. This will allow you to save your breath for when the advice might be heard and make a difference.
If you are financially supporting your adult child, then you still have a say in how their time and money is spent. Spend that money and advice wisely. For example, if you want your child to go to college, then offer to continue funding them while they do so (and if you don't want them to drop out of college, then make it clear that your financial support will end if they don't attend).

So unless you're paying the bills, you don't get any say in how your adult child conducts their life.

What to Do When an Adult Child Calls From Jail

You get a call at 1 a.m. that your adult child is in jail. After hearing the sob story about drunken driving, drug possession, or some other involvement in illegal activity, many parents will rush to bail their child out of jail. Many parents go as far as taking out loans to get adult children out of jail. Why? A friend of mine repeatedly hocked his vehicles to keep his son out of jail for possession of an illegal substance. Even though he knows he is enabling this child, he refuses to stop and let his son feel the consequences of his actions.

In our family, I have made it clear that if one of my children does something illegal, they better not call me. They know I will not bail them out.

Your child is an adult. They should be responsible for their actions. If you bail them out of jail and put yourself in financial dire straits, you are teaching them that you will always be there to fix their problems and willingly suffer for their mistakes.

There is another very good reason to NOT hock the farm for bail: Chances are that adult child is going to continue the behavior that put them in jail. They swear it will never happen again, and you want to believe. Every parent wants to believe the best about their child, but it's your job to know the difference between fantasy and reality.

If your child is headed down a dark path, you can be a light and an example, but do not save them from their consequences. Protecting a child from their own mistakes means that you do not think they can handle the situation on their own. If that is what you believe, then you need to admit how you participated in creating the problem.

To learn about how to set appropriate boundaries for adult kids who live at home, read How to Create House Rules for Adult Children.

What to Do When an Adult Child Asks for Money

Many young adults today seem to have the idea that mom and dad are made of money, so they can spend carelessly. This is the child who gets a new tattoo or a new phone, splurges on a fancy part for a vehicle, buys new clothes, purchases frivolous items for their apartment (or worse—gets a brand new vehicle), then asks you to pay their rent.

Learning to handle money never killed anyone. If your daughter's vehicle gets repossessed because she cannot pay, it will only hurt her credit. This type of lesson is important. If you protect your children from these lessons, they will never learn how money works, and they will continue to lean on you for help.

Case in point:

My oldest son earned his first vehicle. He learned to fix the old Bronco himself and he took care of it (you could have eaten off the floors in that thing). I was very proud of him. Eventually, the Bronco needed work that would be too costly so he decided to trade it in for something newer. He needed a co-signer, so he called me. My deal with him was that I would co-sign, but if I had to start making payments, I was going to take the vehicle. When he lost his job, he called me to say he could no longer make the payments, so I came and got the vehicle. It doesn’t matter that I don’t drive a stick shift or that I did not like the car, I took it on principle. He was not mad because I made it clear from the beginning that I was not going to buy him a car. (He has a car and a job now, by the way.)

Too many parents base their relationships with their kids on money, out of fear that if they don't, their child will not have anything to do with them. That’s right, your actions are not driven by love but by fear. This is a trap for everyone involved. If you have been a good and loving parent, you need not worry about your adult children never calling. As they grow up, they will drift away for short spells. This is a natural part of becoming adults. They will call, and you will have great conversations about their kids and life.

Questions to Ask Before You Give Money to Your Adult Child

Ask yourself: Can I afford it? This should always be your first consideration. If you have plenty of money, you might want to help them out, then continue to question #2. But if you can't afford to help them without damage to your own financial health, then just say no.
Ask yourself: Will this money actually help? Is this a short-term crisis or a chronic condition? Is it a temporary or a permanent need? If your financial assistance will solve the problem now, then move on to question #3, but if it won't, consider helping them find other solutions.
Ask yourself: Will this money be used responsibly? Will help pay for something important or will it be used on frivolous items? Is it for something they need or do they just want it? Is your child following a budget? If your help will not be spent responsibly, then don't give it.
Ask yourself: Is there something else I could do to help? Sometimes, you can offer another kind of help instead of giving money. Maybe you can offer to watch your grandkids while your adult child looks for a job.
Ask yourself: Will it help them gain future independence? Some gifts are money well spent. Investments in furthering education and funding business ventures are smarter than helping your child take a nice vacation, no matter how desperately that vacation is needed.
Ask yourself: Is this a pattern? If you have gotten into a habit of funding your adult child, or if you perhaps even pride yourself on continuing to pay for them, it's probably not healthy or sustainable. It may be time for both you and your adult child to grow up, break the cycle of dependence, and find other ways to maintain your relationship.
Ask your adult child: Is this a gift or is it a loan? It's important that both of you get your expectations straight. You may expect to be repaid while your adult child is secretly hoping you'll forget all about it. Transparency is key.
Ask your kid: When will you pay me back? Part of being an adult is keeping promises. Discuss a repayment schedule and make plans for what will happen if those dates are broken.
Ask your kid: Are you going to ask me for money again? Don't get into an unspoken ongoing financial agreement. Have explicit discussions about your financial expectations.

Note: If you want your kid to stop asking you for handouts, the biggest mistake is to say "no" and then let them whine and cry and guilt you into it. This is precisely why people play slot machines: there's always a chance it will pay off! Better to say "no" and stick to it. Saying "no" clearly and firmly is sometimes the best thing you can do for your child.

"Emerging Adulthood" Happens Between Ages 18-30

Pew Research conducted a recent study that found that almost a quarter of 25-34-year-olds are still living with their parents.

But What if Parents Have the Money to Help?

What happens when you have money and your children never have to work for anything? They become useless, incapable, entitled adults who have no concept of real work. When a wealthy, enabling parent dies, their kids waste their inheritance on stupid things until it's gone and then they have no idea how to function.

Part of being an adult is paying your own way in life. Let your children have their own dreams and let them work to accomplish them. Make your children work for something. When you prevent your child from working, then they never learn to make it on their own. Let them help the homeless and do charity work even if—especially if—you have money.

Case in point:

A 44-year-old woman came into my personal loan office one day. She was beside herself in tears. Her father, a famous heart surgeon, had so much money that even until the day he died he was sending her checks. After he died, all the money went to his 28-year-old trophy wife. His daughter admitted that her father ruined her. She said “He never made me do anything, so I never learned to live.”

Why Shouldn't a Parent Help Their Child Financially?

When a person works hard for something, they appreciate it, but when something is given, they do not feel a sense of responsibility for it. This is even true with college, where I currently teach. Most of the students who work hard in part-time jobs and for scholarships will appreciate their education, whereas those whose parents pay for their school are much more likely to drop out.

Some parents say they want their children to have things easier than they had. Well why would you want that when you turned out so well? Children need to experience hardships, they need to know the world is not fair, and sometimes life sucks. Why?

Until you know pain you do not appreciate health,
until you know poverty you can not appreciate wealth,
until you know failure you can not appreciate an accomplishment,
and until you work for something you can not take pride in owning it.

Do not rob your kids of these experiences. Be there for them with love and moral support, not to fix their mistakes and/or hand them your checkbook.

Case in point:

Years ago, I had an employee who was extremely emotional. She would cry uncontrollably over dogs that had died 20 years ago, and publicly share intimate details of her relationships without solicitation. Her whole life, her parents had taken care of her every need. At the age of 45, she moved back in with her parents. I can't tell you what happened to her, but I can tell you that I had to let her go from a part-time job.

These days, the biggest danger facing retirees, the one thing they haven't planned for, is having to support adult children and grandchildren.

How You Can Help an Adult Child Without Spoiling Them

When your adult child calls with a problem, talk them through it. Discuss their resources and options.
Reinforce your child's intelligence with affirming statements such as "You are smart, and I'm sure you will figure this out," or "You are strong enough to handle this."
Help them think logically. Let them decide what their best option is based on the resources available.
It's tempting to send money. Who doesn't want to help the people around them? But you are not here to fix the lives of your children, you are here to teach them to stand on their own and think for themselves.

What if You Always Help Them?

When an adult child is dependent, it creates a negative relationship between the child and parent. The child resents the parent rather than respecting the parent. If you had to rely on someone else for everything, you might start to resent them as well. The adult child starts to expect the parent to fix their life, thus creating stress for the parent. Eventually life situations implode from this scenario.

Case in point:

Years ago I knew a family where the daughter was constantly in and out of the parents house. The adult daughter wasn't on drugs but, she refused to take responsibility for herself or her own children. The adult daughter left her kids for days at a time with her parents until she finally stopped coming home. By taking on the daughters responsibilities the parents took over all the responsibilities for the grand kids.

Case in point:

An elderly couple is currently in a court battle with the husbands adult children who want half of everything the man worked during his life. Essentially, these adult children are trying to take their inheritance before their father has passed away. All their lives the father has given them everything, now they believe they are entitled to more. The man is having to fight a costly legal battle to keep his own money. There's a fine but crucial line between parenting and over-parenting.

When Does a Child Become an Adult?

When is it time to cut the strings, close your checkbook, and back away? Take all of these things into account when you decide exactly when your child should transition from child to adult:

There are many different expectations, not only across cultures but from one family to the next. Every family has its own culture which influences every family member's expectations. In some families, multiple generations all pitch in to live under one roof—in others, kids are expected to move out at 18 to start their own families. So there is no universal cut-off age: You'll have to look at your family's explicit and implicit assumptions and patterns for guidance.
Another thing to consider is the changing times. We used to consider all 18-year-olds adult, but recently, a new term has been added to our vocabulary for what happens between graduation from high school and eventual independence: "Emerging adulthood" is what we now call that transition period between 18-30.
Pew Research conducted a recent study that found that almost a quarter of 25-34-year-olds are still living with their parents.
"Failing to launch" is another new term that describes the inability of millions of young people—even those with jobs—to fully transition into independent adults.
Due to a difficult economic climate (the increasing cost of tuition, the stagnant minimum wage, etc.) we have a rapidly growing problem in which many young people are having a hard time gaining the self-sufficiency of adulthood.

When You Should Help Your Adult Child

Most adult children will move back home with you at least once. Usually, this happens after college. By that time, the kid should be behaving as a roommate instead of a child—cooking, cleaning, doing chores, and contributing to the household.

Our deal with our kids was they got one year after graduation before they had to start paying rent to us. In that year, they were also expected to save money for an apartment and a car. I would never let my children starve but, short of that, all life experience (easy and hard) is for their own good.

If for any reason your kids need permanent assistance (like if they have a disability or a chronic illness) and if you are their only means of support, then of course, you'll need to have other plans in place and will need to make arrangements for after you die. A financial adviser might suggest smarter ways for you to help in a way that doesn't disqualify them from social services.

Let your adult child live their own life. Do not try to save them: Let them save themselves. I guarantee when your children are older, they will appreciate the values you taught them and be better people.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: We had our 24-year-old son sign a roommate agreement. We gave him three months to help out around the house, pay us his rent of $200 a month, and to either go to school or get a job, or he has to move out. Now there is almost no communication. Did we do the right thing?

Answer: Your son is 24, not 12. I don't know your son, is he capable of all the things you asked of him? Is he able to get a job? If the answer is yes, then you did the right thing. When kids first gain independence communication may be light for a while. Also, I don't know how you presented this to your son. If it was presented as "you are 24 and a loser who needs to get it together," he may be mad at you. If you presented it as "we love you, but you have to learn to survive on your own" then he has no reason to be upset. Growing pains apply to maturity and emotion as well. Your child is not your friend. You can have a close relationship with your child that is not based on your financial support.

Question: I have a twenty-eight-year-old son. He has been clean and sober for six years. He lives at home and hasn't worked in five years. He is depressed but won't get help. It is very sad. As his parent, I am heartbroken. How can I help?

Answer: I would start by giving him a reason to work, such as "starting next month you will be paying $450 a month in rent." No matter who I am talking to, if they are not engaged in physical activity (working out) or a sport, they should be. Exercise is the best cure for depression, it ups the serotonin levels in the brain. While this doesn't work for everyone, it does work for most people. Sun is also useful for depression. Many people who were career drug addicts crash into depression when they are sober. It's the inability to deal with life's challenges that spur the drug use, to begin with. At 28 he has most of his life ahead of him, it's time to live again. If you are in good physical condition, start taking him hiking, tell him you want to go but don't want to go alone. Get him moving.

Question: We have a 19 year old daughter who is very headstrong, never listens, moved out 3x and came back, failed her first year in university, took a semester break and works part-time. She spends her money towards her boyfriend, eats out a lot, and pays a lot on salon care. She paid her own tuition and a little share in the house. You can't have a good conversation with her because she is always in defensive mode. She threatened to move out again, and my husband said to go ahead. She was resentful because we didn't help her pay for tuition. What shall we do?

Answer: Everything you mentioned is part of growing up. As long as your daughter is in school and working, let her do what she wants with her money. Just don't give her additional money when she asks. You don't have to micromanage your daughter. The lessons will come when she can no longer support her lifestyle. If she isn't going back to school then charge her rent. If she moves out, she moves out. I would teach her to budget though. This isn't a "parents being mean" lesson. This is a "I love you" and this will come in handy lesson.

Question: I have 2 grown daughters who both have college degrees. They don't look for work, party all night or watch TV, then sleep all day. My wife is a recovering alcoholic, and I also have 2 younger daughters who I all have to look after. What should I do as they are using my wife as a shield for their laziness and manipulative behaviour?

Answer: You are going to have a sit down with your wife and talk about your daughters' behavior. You are going to have to get her to agree that this behavior cannot go on and something needs to be done. That something is going to be putting your adult daughters under contract to live in your house. If they do not want to sign the contract and agree to your rules such as getting jobs, paying you rent, moving out in six months, then your daughters can choose to leave now. If they stay and are not holding up their end of the contract, get some boxes pack their stuff and kick them out. Even adult children want to be parented. Be a parent, not a doormat.

Question: My daughter is twenty-six-years-old, living at home, and CPS just took her three-year-old. She is on the wrong path, and I have been holding her hand every step of the way. Recently, it has started to cause my husband and I serious problems. How do I help her grow up?

Answer: If she is on drugs, get her into a treatment facility. For a lot of young women having a baby will make them more responsible. In your daughter's case, that did not happen. To have CPS take a child, that parent has to be visibly unfit. CSP usually requires parenting classes. Know that you cannot make her a better person, she has to do that on her own. You might want to back off her for a bit. If you are always fixing her problems, then she has no reason to grow up and handle them herself. Put it to her like this, "If she doesn't take care of her child, why should you take care of her?" She's an adult. If she is going to stay with you, she should be supporting herself with a job, paying you rent and taking care of her child. If she is not going to do those things, then all you are doing is helping her be irresponsible.

Question: My son is twenty-six-years-old and has never had a job. He takes one college course per semester, and he is up all night on the computer or TV, so he sleeps all day. My husband says, "you can't help him if he doesn't ask for help." I worried, and don't know what to do. How do I help him?

Answer: At one class per semester, he should graduate in about sixty years. Why isn't he working or paying rent? Your son isn't progressing because he doesn't have positive resistance. You don't have to be mean to him, but, he should have been out of your house years ago. If the two of you are ok with him staying, that's up to you. He could be working part-time and saving money for his own place. The normal rule is if you are not a full-time student, then you work. The two of you are not helping him by allowing him to cruise. Time to talk, he should be paying rent to stay there, and he should have chores, if he doesn't want to do that he can get a job and save money so he can move out.

Question: My son is 33 and lives on his own, but I have helped him out so much with money, etc. He won't get up some days to go to work because he says he doesn't hear the alarm clock, so I will call for 30 minutes or longer to wake him up. I have paid to have his lights put back on; this has gone for years. I have been stressed to the max. Every time, I say I'm not doing it again. Please give me some ways for me to stop and let me know he will be OK. What do I need to do?

Answer: Get him a loud alarm clock, have him put it across the room so he has to get up to turn it off. Let him fix his own mistakes and figure out his own life. That doesn't mean you don't love him. It means he is a man that you are treating like a 10-year-old boy. How can he act like a man if you insist on treating him this way? If he gets into trouble, say "You are a man now, you can fix it." He has to get it together on his own. You aren't helping him; you are enabling him. Expect more, expect him to be a man.

Question: I'm trying not to be a nag, but I realized I am not trusting my adult children to make decisions. I pry into their lives and am constantly asking them what they plan to do despite them being 29, 31, and 33 years old. They don't ask for money, they live on their own, they all have jobs, but they are not living up to their potential. Two are in the restaurant business, and one has a full-time job with benefits. I see them wasting their lives away. Do you have suggestions for books that deal with unmotivated adults?

Answer: We give our children life, but it isn't our job to tell them how to use it. Happiness is not predicated on fulfilling a parent's idea of our potential. Your children are not asking you for anything; leave them alone. A person can have all the potential in the world, but that doesn't mean they want to become what you think they should become. Consider all those sports dads who pushed their kids to be athletes when the kid didn't want to play. Your scenario isn't any different. Why don't you find out what your kids' dreams are and support those? I would rather my child pursue something they love that makes them happy than to have them do what I think they should do and be miserable. Instead of working on your kids, look for personal growth opportunities for yourself. Live by example.

Question: When you have an adult son who has been arrested and is in jail calling you and begging for you to bail him out and making promise after promise to never use drugs again and that he has learned his lesson, how do you stay strong and not feel so guilty for not bailing him out?

Answer: Well is this his first time in jail? For people who are truly straightened out by jail, it only takes one time for them to change their ways. If this is the second or third time, this person is giving you lip service to get out. I'm not sure why parents all feel it is necessary to bail these kids out. Parents should only feel guilty if they were involved.

Question: My 21-year-old daughter wants to move in with her boyfriend. She still has three semesters of college left. If she chooses to move out, am I right to say you need to get your car not take mine? Right now we pay her car insurance, medical insurance, and phone bill because she lives at home and goes to school. Should we still pay her expenses?

Answer: I’m not sure why she would think you are going to pay her way if she moves out. The point of moving out is taking responsibility for yourself. The only reason you would pay anything is if you promised to help with college expenses. As for the car, it’s your car. There again I’m not sure why she would think taking your car was an option. We did help our kids get their first car, they were all used vehicles, nothing fancy. Mostly bought private party. All of them had to pay us back for the car. Encourage independence in your adult child. This is an about punishing them because they won’t live their life the way you want, it’s about giving them the tools they need to succeed in life.

Question: My 19-year-old son has anger and mental health issues. I worry about him constantly. He and my husband do not get along. He cannot stay at our home. I can not afford to financially help him pay for a home. I love him so much and have tried many times to help him with his issues, with support and doctors. My husband will not let him stay in the house, and I am ready to end my marriage to go and rent a place for him and I. What should I do?

Answer: I'm not sure what you mean by anger issues. If your son is mentally unstable, then you need to get him into a facility. At 19, a lot of young men experience anger without cause. The brain doesn't stop growing until around the age of 25. Our first responsibility in life is to our children, however, once they hit a certain age, they need to be on their own. If your son graduated from high school, he needs to get a job, go to college or a trade school. If your son is working and going to school, he isn't going to be around much. If you want a divorce, then you need to do it without consideration for your son. Do not use your son or give your son that kind of power. Getting divorced should never happen because your adult child doesn't like your spouse. Your adult child didn't marry your spouse, you did. If your relationship is not working, that is one thing; if you just want a reason to leave, that is something else entirely. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Your son is not going to always be around, unless you want to support him forever. That means you are not taking care of your relationship with your husband. I don't understand why you would take the side of your son who is acting out over the husband who just wants peace in his home.

Question: My 37-year-old married daughter (3 kids and pregnant) has always made her life harder than it has to be! It kills me to see her to keep running in front of that train. How do I let go? It is a selfish journey as I have trouble living a happy life knowing she is "suffering." Will she ever learn, and how do I let go?

Answer: To overcome any situation in life, a person has to learn new skills. Whatever skills your daughter presently employs, those skills are not helping her fix her problems or make better decisions. Also, she is 37 and married; her problems are her problems. Yes, she is choosing the hard road, but it is her choice. Your daughter is still alive even though she has made these decisions; don’t save her from her mistakes anymore. Let her be an adult.

Question: My 29 year old daughter has moved back home and now stays out till the early morning hours. I feel like I am living with a 16 year old and can’t take it. What should I do? I also have an elderly mother who lives with me too.

Answer: Time to set boundaries with your daughter.

1. Curfew

2. Rent

3. Chores

4. Time limit on staying (I usually say six months)

This is your home, if she can't follow the rules, she cant stay.

Question: My 24-year-old daughter lives under the freeway. She left the house because she refuses to live with my husband who is her stepfather. He was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive to her. She swears to her sister that she hasn't been doing drugs or drinking for a while now. I am planning on leaving my husband to help her. She also thinks she has PTSD. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer: The answer to your question depends on what you want. If you are married to an abusive person then yes you should leave. If your husband messed up your daughter with his behavior, then you should help her. As for her self-diagnosis of PTSD, that needs to be determined by a professional. She may have issues from the abuse, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's PTSD. The type of help she will need is a good therapist. If she has done drugs and abused alcohol in the past, then I would caution you about the type of help you give her. You can pay to have her drug tested. If she refuses to do it, I would say she is still using. At that point, the help should be rehab and counseling.

Question: I have been supporting my son for the last ten years. He is 30 years old, cannot hold down a job, does not have a driver's license, does not have money, etc. Deep down I know it is hurting both of us to continue to give him money but for some reason, I cannot shake the "what if he kills himself" feeling. I know it is extreme but for me it is real?

Answer: Take a moment and step back. What life skills is he missing? Once you have established the gaps, you can teach him the life skills he's missing. What is passionate about? Is he just fearful of being out on his own? These are conversations you can have with him. Explain to him that you aren't always going to be there and he has to be able to survive without you. This isn't about being mean and leaving him on a street corner with a backpack, it's about him being independent and taking control of his own life.

Question: My 35 year old son is on meth. When I found out he was still hanging out with druggies I kicked him out. His van broke so he lost his job. Recently I started letting him come by to shower, eat & plug in his phone. Am I enabling him?

Answer: Enabling is encouraging a behavior by removing the consequences of ones actions. What were the consequences of you kicking him out? Does he still have the consequences? It sounds like enabling was going on way before this incident if he's 35 and still living with you. What is the right thing to do? Get him help for his addiction or continue to support a man who should be supporting himself? There are choices. Is the choice you are making helping him get his life together? If not, then it may be time to rethink it.

Question: My 40 year old son in law is a sluggard how can I help?

Answer: We can't fix other people. We can only change our behavior toward those people. If you have been on his back about getting a job or getting his life together, change your tune. Don't say anything about it for a while. If he mentions it say "I know how smart you are, you will figure this out". Continue the positive reinforcement until he tells you he did something, then reinforce the positive actions "see I knew you would get it together, you have always been smart". We all need someone to believe in us.

Question: I have an eighteen-year-old son who has been in and out of jail since age 15. Our son was adopted from foster care at age two and diagnosed with fetal alcohol effects. He is now in jail again and is looking at a 2-7 year prison sentence. How do you help the kid who doesn't learn from his mistakes? We have never bailed him out before, but this time I want to. How do I help him get a fair trial?

Answer: Ask yourself what he is going to do when you bail him out of this mess? Is he going to walk the line or do drugs again? You can get him an attorney but chances are he will end up back in prison, and you will have wasted your money. Love your son, but realize that this is who he is. This is the life he has chosen for himself. You can be supportive without monetary compensation. Unless you believe he is completely innocent, I would leave it alone.

Question: How do we help our grand-kids? We don’t want them to be hurt by mom's bad decisions.

Answer: It depends on the situation. If a child's basic needs are not being met or there is clear abuse, then I would step in. Outside of that, you need to leave them alone. In most situations it is better to keep the family unit together.

Question: My 27 year young son doesn’t want me to give him any advice. What can I say to let him know that I understand but I’m here for him?

Answer: Tell him exactly what you told me. Then be prepared when he screws up because he never came to you.

Question: My son moved into my rental house, but will not pay rent. If I ask for the rent money, he gets mad and says he will just move away from us. He won’t pay his bills. He buys stuff to play around with like 5-wheelers and has often had utilities cut off. He is divorced, so I have had to help him several times, but I’m ready to stop doing that. Should I make him move out, even if it would cause my grandkids to be displaced again?

Answer: That’s a tough position; emotional blackmail is not fun. If he can afford toys, he can afford rent. He is obviously not saving to move out. I would call his bluff. In most states, you have to file an eviction. If you had an agreement, then he needs to hold up his end. A good bluff on your part would be to bring a realtor by to tell you what you can sell the place for, then maybe he will get that you are not going to let him skate. However, at this point, I would give him the option of leaving or doing a direct pay into an account you set up. If you want to be nice and split it between his paychecks, do that. But yes, it is a pay" or get out" situation unless you are ok with paying his way for life.

Question: My daughter is going through a divorce. She does not love the narcissist she married but, is not being proactive in getting it done. We have offered legal help,counseling, and financial help. It has not motivated her much to resolve this issue. How can we help her or do we step back?

Answer: Let your daughter know you are there if she needs you and step back. One of the difficulties parents have is failing to allow their adult children to handle their own problems. Parents know it's easier to rip the band aid off. She's dragging her feet for a reason. Let it go. If she has issues later because they are legally married, she will learn a lesson the hard way. Also she may cling to that relationship just to spite you. Let her figure it out.

Question: I am the Adult child that is homeless and my parents live 8 miles from me. I know what I did wrong and have stopped, but my parents have let me and my mental state of mind stayed on the streets they can't move past my problems and keep bringing them up. Is there a list of how my parents could help me out of homelessness?

Answer: The first thing is I appreciate you making the statement that you are aware of your mistakes. The next thing you need to do is help yourself as much as possible. Use the resources you have to integrate yourself back into society. I think your parents will be more likely to help you if you are showing the effort. If you can get to the local library you can apply for jobs (most of them are online applications). If you can get a few interviews, then ask your parents for assistance with things like a place to shower and clean your clothes so that you can get to the interview. This shows you are making an effort to support yourself and be productive. If you can do these things without them, through a local shelter then I would recommend that. Your parents need to see you are progressing before your apology is going to mean something.

Question: My 42-year-old son is homeless living on my property in a tent. I've tried to help him many times but can't. Should I just let all the worry and anxiety go?

Answer: Is having anxiety and worrying fixing the problem? If it's fixing the problem then by all means continue to feel that way. If it's not fixing the problem then it may be time to get a new perspective. Your son is 42, tent living is his choice. Maybe you should just accept his choice, let him know that you accept his choice. Then stop worrying, let him do his own thing.

Question: Recently for the 4th time in 8 years, my son was arrested for DWI. My husband wants to discontinue financial support and limit or perhaps eliminate contact with him until he "gets his life together" to avoid future financial and emotional drain. But we're all he has. Any chance this "tough love" will work?

Answer: Your son needs counseling and rehabilitative help. Too often people get in the mode of putting out a fire when they should be investing in means to keep the fire from happening in the first place. Alcoholism is a disease. Invest in getting help rather than bailing him out. If he won't do the treatments then let him live out the consequences. However, we should never stop telling our children we love them, we should never forget that love can move mountains anger cannot move. Emotional support for alcoholics/drug abusers is so important. They need to feel like there are people who care about them even when they don't deserve it. That doesn't mean you hock your car to save him from the consequences. Those are two different things.

Question: I decided to do the tough love thing and not enable my son by giving him money when he asks. We have been trying to place him on the right path for too many years. I know it’s time to step back and let him fail and hope he finally finds the right path. How do we stop the worry that he will do something terrible to himself or others?

Answer: As parents, worrying is probably one of the toughest things to overcome. I will tell you this, if you raised your child to be self-sufficient and strong, they will be ok. It doesn't mean that they won't have hardship. Hardships teach us empathy. When a person has never had hardships, they tend to have a very one-sided view of the world. Hardships build character and strength. What I want you to remember as a mom is that you want your child to experience life, part of that is hardships. The greatest people throughout history were built on hardships they overcame. While it doesn't make it any easier, maybe realizing that this is part of molding people into empathetic human beings will help you to think about this differently.

Question: What should I do when an adult child won't take responsibility?

Answer: This is vague, so my answer may be vague. Responsibility is a mental attitude about our actions. When people don't take responsibility, it is often because they do not want to confront the part of them that makes mistakes and is wrong. We teach kids as they grow up that making mistakes is bad, yet many of us grow from our mistakes. Teaching someone that mistakes are an opportunity for growth can change their perspective. Since we all make mistakes, we can empathize rather than accuse and teach rather than preach.

Question: My daughter is nineteen. Since her boyfriend came home from school, she is sleeping at his house five days a week. I have asked her to spend more time at home, and to sleep here at least half the time. I still support her financially, and she is attending school in the fall. How do I explain to her why it's still important to be respectful enough to stay home to sleep more often?

Answer: Let us address the more important issue first. Hopefully, she is on birth control because, I think the real problem with her "sleeping over" is that she isn't sleeping. If the boyfriend is leaving after the summer, then this situation will run its course. If he is back permanently, then it may be time for her to get her own place. 18-24 is the age when the waters of independence are tested. If you try to hold her back, she will rebel. She is not going to spend her days hanging out with you when she can be with a boyfriend who makes her feel like she is on a cloud. You can't compete with that emotion. Just make sure she doesn't prematurely start a family. Letting go of your child is tough. You are in the beginning stages of her leaving for good. My advice is to take her to lunch, and start working on your adult relationship with her. Your time with her home is short.

Question: My 28-year-old son moved back home nine months ago, the goal being to get on his feet so he could move back out. He now says that I don't really understand modern day economics, and that it's almost impossible for his generation to ever own a home or even qualify for rent. How out of touch am I?

Answer: If we are talking about living in a big city, then he might be right. However, if his goal is to own a home, he should look into rural areas where the real estate is less expensive. Our oldest son just bought a house. My middle (22-years-old) son has had several jobs that paid over $7,000 a month. This is because he takes jobs no one wants, working the oil fields, tow truck driver, and now machinists with Panasonic. Youth today are looking for the cushy management position. Those positions are few and far between for people without experience. Here is the mistake people make about jobs: they only look in one area. When you want s good paying job you have to be willing to move. If he isn’t tied down with kids or a wife, now is the time when he can travel to make money. The opportunities are there; he just has to open his mind up to the possibility of moving. (No you are not out of touch).

Question: I have fallen down the rabbit hole. I pay my sons and daughter in laws' bills. I am terrified if I don't pay, they will end up homeless and live in a vehicle. She is twenty-four; he is twenty-five. Neither will hold a job. They have a four-year-old and a two-year-old. I'm terrified those babies will end up homeless if I don't keep paying. How do I get out without the grandkids being the losers?

Answer: It depends on if they are living with you or not. If you are just paying your kids bills, then you need to sit down with them and discuss how they are going to start paying their bills. I would be willing to bet that if you watch their spending, they are causing their problems.

If they live with you, they get six months to get the money together to move out. The main thing is, stop paying their way. There isn’t a way for your grandchildren to not be affected by this. The problem is that if you continue to support them, they will never learn to survive.

Question: I have enabled my 20-year-old son for years: bailed him out, paid rent for him, bought him cars, everything. He is addicted to marijuana. He is now married and I helped them get their own place, but once again, they don't have jobs and can't pay their rent. I know he and she are not being responsible and just think I am going to pay it, but I'm not. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer: Stop giving him money. You are enabling him and not teaching him how to support himself.

Question: My 28-year-old son has no manners, is rude, and made my life hell while staying at home. He has now asked me for a place to stay as he wants to divorce his wife. I have told him that I do not have a place for him, but on the other hand, I feel guilty for not helping him. He says it's only for a short while, but I know the minute he's in, he won't leave. It's caused so much anger between my husband and myself, and I am still suffering. I also suffer from anxiety issues. Please help, I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice?

Answer: Is he being abused? Probably not. Your son's desire to leave his wife is not your problem. If you suspect this will turn into a “roommate for life” situation, then you are better off not moving him in. Guilt? His love life is not under your area of responsibility. Maybe he needs a better separation plan. He’s an adult man, let him handle his own business.

Question: My 21yr son is living with his 17yr old girlfriend but she has a high dependent disorder amongst a few other mental health issues. When she has a bad day he doesn't go to work which is affecting his apprenticeship and work ethic. He is close to losing his job. How do we get him to see that she is damaging his future?

Answer: The truth is he is not going to get rid of her because you tell him to. She is 17 and therefore a child. She’s acting like a child, and he is treating her like a child. Unfortunately, you cannot interfere because he is not going to listen to you. What’s worse is that he will resent your involvement. Stay out of it. Is he going to blow his apprenticeship? Probably. He has to decide when he is going to stop dealing with her and get a girl friend his own age.

Question: Two of my four sons smoke marijuana and are doing nothing with themselves. When they were young, I was very strict and am feeling like maybe I overparented them. I need some ways to get them motivated, because I have two more that are looking up to them, and there were many goals that we set together that are out the window now that they are "adults.” Only the eighteen-year-old is still in our home. I don’t want them to be failures. What should I do?

Answer: You can't stop your sons from smoking marijuana. You can keep it out of your home. Unfortunately, this is becoming a common problem for parents. The eighteen-year-old doesn't need to bring that into your house. Hopefully he has an exit plan in place. If not, it's time to have the pay rent or move out talk. No one should be smoking weed in front of your younger kids. My advice, be mean. Let your eighteen-year-old know that you are not going to have marijuana in your home. Period. Legal or not, it's your house. At least that way the eighteen-year-old will have to go somewhere else to do it, not in front of your younger kids. Also, having an older sibling do drugs is not a predictor of behavior. Your children are watching you. Be the example and keep the weed out of your house. As for fixing the kids who are smoking, if they are not in your home and they support themselves, in some states, it's legal to smoke Marijuana so as adults there isn't anything you can do. I wouldn't blame yourself for being a good parent. Doing drugs is on them. They may stop doing it after a while. Sometimes it takes a good influence outside of the home to end these behaviors.

Question: my adult son called from jail this morning. What do I do? I am so scared for him.

Answer: Jail is a little scary, but depending on why he is there, its good that it's scary. If you can go see him, go see him. It's the middle of the week, so he will most likely be released today. I would find out what happened. Jail isn't the same as prison. Although it's not a good place, the county jail isn't going to be the cause of any physical damage (Don't tell him I said that.) Let him be scared, and let it sink in that not obeying laws puts you in awful places. Going to see him doesn't mean you bail him out. As I said, he will most likely be released today anyway. It just depends on the charge.

Question: My adult daughter, her husband, and my granddaughter are traveling to TN after losing their low rent house in OR. My son-in-law texted me for money to complete the transaction. I sent him $300. This is an ongoing thing with them. How can I help them stop this without hurting my ten-year-old granddaughter? I'm sixty-two, and not wealthy.

Answer: Identify the skill set your daughter is missing regarding her inability to support her family. Is it because she won't get a job? Is it because she doesn't have marketable skills. The thing is that low-income families have tons of vocational options through state programs. Determining her deficiency may help her onto the path of self-sufficiency.

Unfortunately, Your granddaughter is going to be front row to the hardships created by her parents. Here is the great thing about hardship, it makes us strong. Hopefully, your granddaughter will make better choices seeing the mistakes of her parents. If you are in Tennessee, then you can lend moral support to your granddaughter and be the stabling influence in her life.

Question: when do you know when it is time to let your child go to jail for a extended period of time and be able to live with this decision?

Answer: I’m not sure I understand this question. If you have been bailing your child out of jail and paying attorneys fees repeatedly, then yes it is time to stop helping them stay out of jail. Here is how you keep from feeling guilty; has you helping them worked to keep that person from doing what they were doing to go to jail? If not then, in reality, you are not helping them. You have been reinforcing their bad behavior by letting them out of the consequences. In reality, you should feel guilty for getting them out of jail when it might have helped for them to feel the full force of the punishment.

Question: My 30-something is threatening to take her own life, my question is, what do I do?

Answer: Get her psychiatric help. Don't wait for the suicide attempt.

Question: My son is twenty-years-old. He lives with my husband and I, and goes to college part-time. He does not work, and sleeps in very late. Is this ok? I want him to get an education, so I don't mind if he does not work, but my mother-in-law says I am hurting him not helping.

Answer: Although your mother means well, it's none of her business. I would have him pull down a full class load if he isn't going to work. That's just my opinion. College will go by faster, and that way and he will be on his own sooner as well. However, this is up to you.

Question: My 26yo daughter (employed) and her 30 yo husband (unemployed) live in a van with their dog b/c they haven’t been able to save and want to try van life for a year during the summer in FL. Her father and I live here too. They want us to watch their dog during the day, and we refused. They said we are the only parents who would ever refuse to help. My husband is about to disown her (we just paid for $30000 wedding last month and put her through college debt free) I feel guilty. Thoughts? Advice?

Answer: You payed $30,000 for your daughter to marry a guy who’s life plan was living in a van? Ok, well we won’t get into that too deep. It’s their dog, if you want a dog, you have to take care of it. In this case the dog is theirs so they need to take care of it. You should feel more guilty about paying for the wedding. Your daughter is taking advantage of you. Tell her to grow up and get a house if she wants pets. The dog is not choosing to live “van life” aka being homeless. Please stop giving this girl everything she wants, that’s not a relationship. You are not bank of mom.

Question: We have given our daughter and son-in-law $36,000 in the past six months, so they don't lose their home. My daughter does not care that we have helped them save their home. They have two small kids. How do we tell her and her husband there is no more money?

Answer: Simply tell her. It was noble of you to help them save their house, however, losing a house is not the worst thing that ever happens to someone. $36,000 is a lot of money. It is up to each parent to decide what they are willing to give. People miss judge the article and think it's about disowning your kid. If you don't have the money to give, there is no choice anymore. Tell her you don't have the money. If this is still about the =house, then maybe she should sell it, pay you back and get something she can afford. It's just a house.

Question: My son is 21-years-old, and not helpful or respectful. He is living with me, not going to college, feeling indifferent and not conversing with me. Should I provide him with food and car insurance?

Answer: Something is holding your son from moving forward. I'm finding more and more that this next generation coming up is afraid of the world. This may be the result of 24/7 media and information. Either way, there seems to be a disconnect. I have found in the past that whenever I have an issue with one of my kids, it helps to pull them closer and find out what's going on. The reality is that you do not know why he isn't progressing. Start by taking him somewhere that is a neutral zone. If there was something, he liked to do as a kid, like go to the lake, drag him to the lake for the day. Have a good time. Then casually open the dialog. Tell him you noticed he hasn't been himself and doesn't seem motivated; did something happen? Let him guide the conversation and listen. Is he dealing with fear, is he angry or frustrated, does he have unrealistic ideas about life? Find the problem first, then empower him to solve it. You can remove all the help you want; it's not going to fix what's broken.

Question: my twenty-five-year-old daughter disowned her family. What should I do?

Answer: You can't do anything. There isn't a law that says she has to speak to the family. Leave her alone. Sometimes it takes years and a lot of life experience for a person to realize they were wrong. All you can do is wait it out. Constantly trying to contact that person usually exacerbates the situation. Besides, it is her right not to have contact with people she doesn't like. None of us should be forced to interact with people. Respect her privacy.

Question: My son recently graduated college, and he's moving to Ohio. Should I go with him to show support, or let him go it alone? I feel guilty for not going with him to a new place.

Answer: You should go only if he asks you to go. Otherwise just tell him how proud you are and move on.

Question: My son has depression and anxiety worsened by pot use. He is not working at the moment but expects me to pay for his phone, car, pot, and cigarettes, and I just can't. Is it ok for me to say no? I'm scared what his reaction will be, but I can't carry on like this.

Answer: It's absolutely OK for you to say no. I wouldn't fund any of those things. Nothing you mentioned is a necessity. Physical exercise best treats depression and anxiety. It's time to sit down and have a real-world discussion with him before this gets any worse. If he wants a cell phone and car he needs to work. Unless you are prepared to pay for his addictions his whole life, it's time to end this enabling behavior. If he wants real treatment for anxiety and depression, then pay for that.

Question: My son was adopted at the age of six due to my addiction. He is 19. He relapsed and got caught. Well, he posted something on Snapchat about an ecstasy dealer, and I told his adopted mom. He then texted me verbally abusing me and calling me names. My question is, he is graduating Sunday, and I thought that I do not want to go. I feel it's important to set that boundary that he cannot treat me like that. Am I wrong for not going?

Answer: This question is more about what you will regret more. Will you regret not being at the graduation? Kids say things to their parents in anger. Considering your personal history with this child it’s not surprising. Even if you don’t talk to him, you should go to the graduation.

Question: I have four daughters, and one is adopted. They were all raised in the same environment, but my adopted daughter has never taken responsibility for her actions. She has lied since she was young, and stolen jewelry and money. We have given her chances, money and private schools. She cannot hold down a job. She is married, but they are homeless now and expecting a baby. I am torn. Do I simply walk away and let her deal with her decisions? My husband and her sisters say she will never change.

Answer: For some people, having a baby changes their perspective. You need to figure out what she is thinking. Does she think that she is going to raise that child living in a van? Ask questions without being judgemental. You and I both know she isn't going to be able to raise that baby in the woods. I'm assuming you love your daughter, if your other daughters were pregnant you would have a baby shower and celebrate. I don't see any reason why you wouldn't do that with this child. We NEVER walk away from our kids. We help them into self-sufficiency. That means you help them get on their feet instead of just giving them money. If her husband will get a job, then you help find them a studio apartment. The point is to get them to be self supporting. Child Protective Services can take her baby for neglect if she cannot provide for the basic needs. Even a travel trailer in a trailer park is considered housing. She needs a plan. Even if she is less than dependable, she's probably scared right now.

Question: I have a 28-year-old step son who lives out of the house but doesn't work. He expects my husband and I to pay his way. What should I do to relieve this situation?

Answer: You have choices, you can either continue to pay his way, which will result in his inability to support himself when you are both gone. Or, you can tell him it's over and he needs to get a job and be a productive citizen so that when you die, he doesn't end up destitute. Your choice.

Question: My adult daughter quit school and choose instead to work. She has recently been bringing people home with her when we're asleep and against our longstanding rules. She's even gone so far as to disable our security cameras to sneak someone in. She's had run-ins with the law over alcohol and drug possession. My wife is reluctant to kick our daughter out without a place to live, but I'm willing to rent a storage unit for her stuff and letting her 'figure it out.' Am I right?

Answer: If your daughter is an adult and working, she needs a plan for saving and moving out. I would sit down with her and inform her that she has until (pick a date) to save and move out. I would also let her know the next time she sneaks someone into the house or disables something, her stuff will be carried to the lawn. You are on the right track. If she has gotten involved with a bad crowd, then the last thing you want is them in your house. I would consider changing your security codes. Honestly, your best bet is letting her know she has to move out. These kids want to "play adult" without the responsibility.

Question: 19 yr old daughter with anxiety & ADHD moved in with a twenty-eight-year-old bipolar guy with anxiety. She doesn't make much money, and he doesn't have a job. We don't want her to end up in jail. She's very naive, and seems afraid to ask him too many questions. She doesn't want to move back home. I've only met him once, and now she says he doesn't like to socialize. My husband's never met him, and we're not allowed over to their place. We only get to see her when she visits. What can we do to keep her safe?

Answer: She has to keep herself safe. If she’s coming to your home alone to visit, ask her if there abuse happening. You know your daughter, you will know if she’s lying. Ask her questions, is she happy? People who have personality disorders often view themselves as not worthy of love and settle on whoever will have them. There is a difference between being happy and just settling. She may be fine other than she isn’t happy. Leave the door open for her. Tell her if things are bad she can come home.