Adult Children—When to Help and When to Let Them Learn

Updated on March 6, 2017
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Knowing When to Help Adult Children

We have a standing joke in our home: because I am working toward a doctoral degree, my sons occasionally start spending money in their heads. The standing joke is that I tell them that they have to make their own way in the world because I am leaving my money to the dolphins. On some level, like all jokes, there is some truth to what I say. I expect them to make their own money, work hard, and find their own way in life. This article is about handling your adult children.

Immediately the words tough love comes to mind. I have counseled tons of parents who have given away their retirement and life savings to bail their children out of every manner of predicament. This article is for those parents who always say they wished they met me first.

There is a distinction between helping your child fix a problem they created and helping an adult child in a life crisis. An adult child who makes a poor decision should learn from that decision. Such as an adult child who buys a coach purse instead of paying bills. Then there are times of family crisis. A family crisis is an auto accident, cancer, layoffs, house fire, and the list goes on. Do not misunderstand, in a time of family crisis families should work together.

What to Do When an Adult Child Calls From Jail

We are starting pretty extreme. You get the call at 1 am that your adult child is in jail. After hearing their sob story about drunken driving, drug possession, or other involvement in illegal activity many parents rush to bail their child out of jail. I have maintained that if one of my children does something illegal they better not call me (they know I will not bail them out). I have completed loans for parents who have stated that they are using the money to get an adult child out of jail. Why?

Your child is an adult, they should be responsible for their actions, when you bail them out of jail and put yourself in financial dire straits, you are teaching that child that you will fix their mistakes. A friend of mine repeatedly hocked his vehicles and spent his own money to keep his son out of jail for possession of illegal substance. Even though he knows he is enabling this child he refuses to stop and let his son feel the consequences of his actions.

There is another very good reason to NOT hock the farm to bail an adult child out of jail; chances are that adult child is going to continue the behavior that put him/her in jail. Sure when you talk to the child on the phone they will swear it will never happen again, and you want to believe them. Every parent wants to believe the best about their child. There is what you believe, and then there is reality. If your child is headed down a dark path you can be a light and an example, but do not save them from their consequences. Saving the child from their own mistakes means that you do not trust them to handle the situation on their own. If that is what you believe then you did not raise your child properly.

What to Do When a Child Asks for Money

Young adults today seem to have an unyielding idea that mom and dad are made of money. If your child has a job and is responsible with their money then chances are they will not come to you for money. There are adult children who constantly spend their money carelessly and then call you to pay for things like rent. You will know these children by the comments preceding the part where they ask for money. This is the child who gets a new tattoo, new phone, buys a fancy part for a vehicle, buys new clothes, purchases frivolous items for their apartment, or worse gets a brand new vehicle they can not afford.

Learning to handle money never killed anyone. If your child’s vehicle gets repossessed because, that child can not pay, it will only hurt their credit. These types of lessons are important. If you rob your children of these lessons they will never learn what is important when it comes to money. They will continue to lean on you for help.

Case in point; My oldest son earned his first vehicle. He learned to fix the old Bronco himself and he took care of it (you could have eaten of the floors in that thing). I was very proud of him in this respect. Finally the Bronco needed work that would be too costly and my son decided to trade the vehicle in for another car. He called me after the dealer informed him that he would need a co-signer. My deal with him was that I would co-sign but, if he couldn’t make the payments on the vehicle, I was going to take it. I am sure that he never imagined that he would not be able to make the payments. Eventually he lost his job and he called me to tell me he could no longer make the payments on the vehicle, so I came and got it. It doesn’t matter that I don’t drive a stick shift or that I did not like the vehicle, I took it on principle. He was not mad because I made it clear from the beginning that I was not going to buy him a car.

As your children grow up they drift away for short spells. This is a natural process of them becoming adults. Too many parents use money as a basis for their relationship out of FEAR that their child will not have anything to do with them. That’s right, your actions are not out of love, and they are driven by fear. This is a trap for everyone involved. If you have been a good and loving parent you need not worry about your adult children never calling. They will call, and you can have great conversations about their kids and life.

What if Parents Have the Money to Help

Every parent wants their children to become a happy adult. We strive to teach our children important lessons that will forward their character. What happens when you have money and your children never have to work for anything? Well, I will tell you what happens; they become useless conceited brats who have no concept of real work. I have never met a spoiled child who was not a brat and I have never met a spoiled adult that had any concept of the real world. Make your children work for something let them help the homeless and do charity work even if you have money.

As adults your children should earn their own money. Most children of wealthy people do not want to take over the family business. Chances are they have their own dreams. Let your children have their own dreams and let them work for those dreams. When you rob your child of life experience, then they never learn to make it on their own. Eventually you will die and I am going to be honest about what happens when a wealthy person dies; the kids waste the money on stupid things until its gone then they have no idea how to function.

Case in point: A forty-four year old woman came into my office one day. She was beside herself in tears. Her father had been a famous heart surgeon. He had so much money that even until the day he died he was sending her checks. When he died all the money went to his twenty-eight year old trophy wife. That was the end of the money tree. His daughter admitted during her session that her father ruined her. She said “Michelle, he never made me do anything, so I never learned to live”. Even she realized that she would have been better off without the help of her father.

The Importance of the Sacrifice

When a person works hard for something they appreciate it. When a person is given something they do not feel a sense of responsibility for it. This is even true with college. Most of the students who worked hard in part-time jobs and worked for scholarships will appreciate their education whereas students whose parents pay for their school are twice as likely to drop out. Let them work for it.

Some parents function under the idea that they want their children to have better things than they had, well why would you want that when you turned out so well? Children need to have hardships, they need to know the world is not fair, and sometimes life sucks. Why?

Until you know pain you do not appreciate health, until you know poverty you can not appreciate wealth, until you know failure you can not appreciate an accomplishment, and until you work for something you can not take pride in owning it.

Do not rob other people of these experiences. Be there for your children with love and moral support, not to fix their mistakes and/or hand them your checkbook.

Case in point:

Years ago I had a coworker who was inappropriately emotional. She would cry uncontrollably over dogs that died twenty years ago, and tell customer intimate details of her relationships without solicitation. Her whole life, her parents had taken care of her every need including any money problems. The world revolved around her. At the age of 45 she moved back in with her parents. She didn't understand being told "No". I can't tell you what happened to her, I can tell you that I had to let her go from a part-time job.

How You Can Help an Adult Child

When your adult child calls, talk them through the problem. Discuss their resources and options. Reinforce your child's intelligence with affirming statements such as "you are smart I'm sure you will figure this out" and "you are strong enough to handle this". Let your child decide what their best option is based on the resources available. It's tempting to send money. Who doesn't want to help the people around them? You are not here to fix the lives of your children, you are here to teach them to stand on their own and think for themselves.

What if You Always Help Them

When an adult child is dependent, it creates a negative relationship between the child and parent. The child resents the parent rather than respecting the parent. If you had to rely on someone else for everything, you might start to resent them as well. The adult child starts to expect the parent to fix their life, thus creating stress for the parent. Eventually life situations implode from this scenario.

Case in point:

Years ago I knew a family where the daughter was constantly in and out of the parents house. The adult daughter wasn't on drugs but, she refused to take responsibility for herself or her own children. The adult daughter left her kids for days at a time with her parents until she finally stopped coming home. By taking on the daughters responsibilities the parents took over all the responsibilities for the grand kids.

Case in point:

An elderly couple is currently in a court battle with the husbands adult children who want half of everything the man worked during his life. Essentially, these adult children are trying to take their inheritance before their father has passed away. All their lives the father has given them everything, now they believe they are entitled to more. The man is having to fight a costly legal battle to keep his own money.

When You Should Help Your Adult Child

Most adult children will return to your house at least once. Usually this happens after college. By that time the kid no longer wants to be at home, they have tasted freedom. Our deal with our kids is they get a year after high school/college before they have to start paying rent to us for being in our house. In that year they should save money for an apartment and a car. I would never let my children starve. Short of that, all life experience is for their good. . Let your adult child live their own life. Do not try to save them. Let them save themselves. I guarantee when your children are older they will appreciate the values you taught them and be better people if you teach them to handle things themselves.

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    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 hours ago from Arizona

      @Blue15

      We both knew she would be back. Your daughter is an adult, she can make her own decisions. You don't have to fix this for her. You know because of your sister that you cannot move your daughter back into your home. She has a degree, she needs to use it and get a job. You cannot make her be a good person and take responsibility for herself. Right now your focus should be on taking care of yourself. While this is tough, you can't risk losing your own housing to take her in. In all honesty she should consider the military, peace corps, or possibly a cruise ship positions. Something that has built in housing. Also if she is willing to move there are positions in the city where she wouldn't need a car, she could take public transit. That way she is working and has a place to live. She has options. Do not risk your housing to save her. Her behavior is not changing or she wouldn't be back at your door.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 hours ago from Arizona

      Jeff it is your home. If you don't want "pot" in the house, don't allow it. If you want them to get their drivers licenses then take them to the DMV and get it done. If you are already charging them rent and you want to up the rent, do it. Each parent has to decide their tolerance level. If you don't mind them being in your home, then you can keep them there as long as you want. What you need to realize is that at this point you they are never going to leave home and become independent if you continue your current course. I paid my kids insurance until they were 18, every household is different. You make the rules. I can tell you pot is the fastest way to have kids that have no motivation to do anything with their lives. While driving is a part of growing up, it's also part of being independent. Without the license, they are not going anywhere so you choose. What do you want the end result to be?

    • blue15 profile image

      blue15 20 hours ago

      3 weeks ago you told me: 'The key is to get her self sufficient. You have a lot on your plate right now. Until she comes back you need to sit it out." (I posted a comment under Mureen) My daughter was kicked out of my ex's house for doing the same things she was doing here. Now she's facing homelessness and I am distraught. I can't allow her to move back in, she has no where else to go. Tonight she is staying with a friend, but cannot stay there. I am researching places she can call to get emergency shelter for her. I wish I could take her back in, but know her behavior won't change if I did. She is not taking responsibility for her behavior. She's only 22, but when I was 22 I didn't talk to my mother like she has. I don't know what to do with her anymore. Miserable in Buffalo NY.

    • Jmkunk profile image

      Jeff 2 days ago

      Ive always tried to teach my 3 sons to be independant. I still have a 20 and 23 year old at home. They both work full time and they both contribute to the household. They were never given an allowance and had to pack their own lunches for school. When they wanted smart phones I told them they will have to pay for their data. If they wanted their drivers license they would have to pay for insurance. Neither are driving and I take them to work. They are smoking pot and I want to know if I should stop being their ride to work and ask them to pay more for room and board since they have money for pot?

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 6 days ago from Arizona

      Neither you nor your daughter have passed on, you will eventually work this out with her. That is not the last time you are going to see her. Even if she is really mad, she will eventually come around.

      Please tell me that this argument is not just about a dog. She is 22 years old not getting a dog is the kind of thing a child of 12 would get upset about. If she wants a dog let her get her own place.

      While her move out might not be ideal, it sounds like she was never going to leave under any other circumstances.

      Be careful it sounds like she has in an emotional blackmail choke hold. Do not let her use your emotions against you.

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      Judy 7 days ago

      My child is leaving home and it is not on the best of circumstances. I am having trouble dealing with this because this is not how I pictured her leaving. I thought I would help them find a place, help them pack, etc. I don't know what to do and I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. Just a few days ago we were going to repair our Mother-Daughter relationship but now that has changed and it has to do with me not letting them get a dog so they are moving in with her dad. We were divorced when my daughter was 4, she is 22 now. Her fiance has something to do with it since he has been avoiding me the past week and we usually had open discussions. I opened my home up to help them through college and they graduated this past December. I am in so much pain since this just happened last night and feel I am not going to be able to make it through this. I don't want us to end it this way.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 10 days ago from Arizona

      You answered your own question. If you think you can't do this then I'm not sure what to tell you. It is your decision. I'm not sure exactly what your situation is health wise, but if he's clean then it would be difficult for me to turn him away. You have to make your own decision. I can't tell you what is best for you. My advice to you is that if you have health issues and you move him back in, he needs to be a help to you more than a hindrance. It sounds like you already decided not to let him in. You know how you think, what are you going to regret more: not letting him in or letting him in? If you answer that question you will know what to do.

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      April Phelps 10 days ago

      I'm looking for advice my 33 year old son was homeless last year due to drugs , he's now clean and AGAIN needs a place to stay because he is having panic attacks and literally has no where to go , I have health issues and can't do this anymore HELP

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      M.D. Jackson 13 days ago

      @Zimmerman

      There is a lag time between when a person posts and I am notified. Over the weekend it can take until Tuesday for a notification to come from through. I check my inbox on Mondays, However your post was not showing yesterday. I do not delete comments even of a negative nature unless they contain spam links. Anytime you post, it will eventually get to me for approval. The only reason they require approval is the spam issue. Thank you for both your posts, if you need additional assistance please let me know.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 13 days ago from Arizona

      I think you are on the right track. I wouldn't allow her into my home either. My advice at this point is that if she wants help and you have the means to do it, offer her rehab, which will give her somewhere to go for about 90 days. If she completes rehab then maybe look at the next step in her independence. I agree that moving her in is a mistake. As for the things she said, people who drink constantly do not realize they are actually changing how their brains function. Her behavior sober would probably be very different. I wouldn't pay too much attention to her words when she is drinking.

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      Zimmerwoman 13 days ago

      I’ve been looking every day since I posted with my agonizing question to see if you responded. It looks like my post has been deleted. Does that mean you have no advice on whether I’m doing/not doing the right thing by not allowing my daughter to come home even though she faces living on the street. My heart is breaking, I just need reassurance.

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      meye4suns 13 days ago

      Thanks so much for your response. Great idea on the charity front. He did a lot of that years ago--sounds like that's what he needs and it would have never occurred to me. Thank you again.

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      Tina 13 days ago

      Well said!my parents allowed my live then after college while I studied and passed the cpa exam. Me and my father are an anomaly tho I moved out and then paid him paid for the cpa exam I did 2 two years tax supervisor and ran a tax place, public accounting for 3, and no Now profit cfo 2 years. But he pushes me ... 8th grade I got a 102 average and he said I could get higher

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      Zimmerwoman 2 weeks ago

      I am hoping you can give me some reassurance that I am doing the right thing because I feel like my heart is literally breaking. My 32 yr old daughter started drinking heavily after her husband left her 3 yrs ago. Since then she has not worked and has chosen not to share with me how she has paid her bills (we have helped her with some of them but not most) I do know that she had gotten several eviction notices and has mentioned she will need to move back home. I’ve really struggled with this because I cannot live with an alcoholic if she chooses not to get help and she has stollen from me (I changed the locks so she could no longer come in when we are not home) It was recently brought to my attention that my daughter has been making online videos that I should take a look at. I was shocked and discusted to find that she has been making videos and telling her over 80k followers so many horrible lies about her father and I. Her father has always indulged her with material things (he bought her a used BMW last month) which I have always disagreed with. It was through these videos that I learned she will be getting evicted tomorrow and has no place to go (she also has a young son but his father can take him full time if need be) After watching the horrible things she had to say about us, I gave her 2 weeks notice that she will no longer be on our cell phone family plan since she is using that line to disrespect her parents and she is not welcome in our home. I am so heartbroken over the thought of my daughter living on the streets homeless as I have learned all the homeless shelters are full. I believe if I take her in, it would be a huge mistake. Please give me your thoughts. Thank you.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 weeks ago from Arizona

      I'm going to tell you a story. My son had a high school friend who was probably the most entitled kid I've ever seen. I remember him pitching a fit because his dad wouldn't buy him a newer truck (his truck was only a year old and brand new when they bought it). Emotionally this kid was about three years behind. Well he graduated and his grandparents said they would only pay for his college is he served a mission with their church. He didn't want to but, not having much to do he went on this mission. The mission was in Paris which sounds great until you hear what these kids were doing, they were preaching to to the under age prostitutes to get them out of the sex trade business. The problem is that most of these girls were addicted to drugs and owned by dangerous pimps. When the kid came back from his mission, he was a different person. He saw poverty in it's worst forms, he fought for the lives of people who were trapped in a life of horror. He had a purpose and group of good kids that he bonded with. In essence in losing the life he had and fighting for others, he gained a life.

      There are two things that created this change. The first is the sense of belonging to something bigger than ones self. The second is having a purpose that is not selfish. Your son needs a good group of people to bond with, and a purpose. Happiness is derived from our life purpose, not from what we have or want. I did a lot of charity work for many years, I would say those were the best years of my life. Depression happens when we are too focused on our own lives. When My oldest son was 14 he had some entitlement issues and I took him with me to work at the local soup kitchen. Perspective is important. If you have the time to take him to do some charity work with you, I recommend it. I would make a condition of him living with you, that he does charity work. To start out, one of you needs to go with him. There are soup kitchens, local food banks, shelters, and orphanages that always need help. If he actually goes and does these things, it will give him purpose and change his perspective. It will also introduce him to a kind group of people. To start out I woudln't tell him he is doing this for himself. Rather, tell him you need his help in doing this. Once he has gone with you a few times, you should be able to tell how he is going to handle it. Even with our adult kids, our example can make the biggest difference. Not all people finish college. Some people are meant for better things, they just don't know it yet.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 weeks ago from Arizona

      We always let our kids live with us if they were in college. This is a tough call. Good jobs do not grow on trees. While I normally am an advocate for a change of scenery after a break up, at 27 he's a little old to come home. I'm sure that is why you brought it up. I think if he can transfer and has a plan to get his own place then a little moral support from mom an dad for a few months wouldn't be a bad thing. I will tell you he is about to find out that you can't go home. It's not the same once you have been out on your own. This also depends on your home situation and how you feel about it. He sounds like a good person. Whatever you decide keep in mind that he should not be a permanent resident in your home. Good Luck!

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      Swilli 2 weeks ago

      Hi- my 27 year old son is going through a bad break up and wants to move back home. He said he has no family or friends in the town he currently lives. He has a good job there and is a full time student. He said he will still stay in school and check to dee if he can relicate through the company he works for here. He wants to live at home.

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      meye4suns 2 weeks ago

      Found you Googling. We've always had pretty tough rules--we pay for 1/2 your college, you pay for the rest via scholarships or your own $. You graduate in four years. This worked great for 3/4 sons. Our last one has been lost since completion of his Freshman year. He's always struggled w/ some fear of failure and motivation issues. Has no idea what he wants to do. Here's synopsis of last four years: Freshman year: first semester 4.0. Second semester: 2.5 and it was the fault of the school, the people blah blah blah. Insisted on going to Univ of AZ and admits now he just wanted to get away and play video games. He flamed out and flunked every single class. Came home for a semester suicidal--we got him into counseling immediately. Then psychiatric care where they recommended meds for ADD and then depression. Wouldn't/couldn't take them. Continued therapy--newly graduated therapist did not hold him to his therapy goals and she should have fired HIM but we discontinued after $150 a week resulted in nothing. We forced him to move out during this time in Aug '17 he moved in w/ a friend barely paying rent. Had to work part time to pay it and has been fired or quit every single job he's had--seven jobs. "Because the people are ___ and ___ and ___". Is smoking weed. Dropped LSD in December. Claims his bad trip resulted in him not doing any drugs now. Returned him to a therapist he's been seeing past two weeks who is a seasoned professional and not taking his BS. Said he needs meds if he's been depressed for 5 years. He's going to a psychiatrist for meds Feb 16. No job because he quit his job in Dec where he was making great money over a scheduling conflict. Dropped out of community college this semester because he's very depressed and suicidal. Over these years has been disrespectful most of the time. Now, he's the opposite. Because he wants something. Wants to move back in, take a semester off, not work and "figure out how to be happy". We have never had issues with our other kids like this. Not in our family history. We don't know what to do. My husband (his step dad--divorced his bio dad who dropped completely out of pic when I did, never paid support, HE has never kept a job but b/c of killer tech skills works under the table online coding to support himself and his unhealthy life habits. We moved 2,000 miles away when he and his twin brothers were 14 and he was 13 due to a transfer. Getting them away from their dad's toxicity and narcissism was a good thing. He never calls them except when he's drinking, doesn't send gifts, is the classic dead beat dad). Their step dad has stepped in and truly loves and cares about them. The twins and he are super close. CS, the son I'm writing about, doesn't. Mainly b/c my husband has always pushed him and has a high BS detector. So. CS has already broken the boundary we set that if he dropped out of college this time, we were done paying for it. AND NOW HE WANTS TO MOVE BACK. It's funny, typing this out makes my husband's position clear to me. Husband does not want him back here. Thinks we need to draw the line. He is 21 now, barely a sophomore. Has no idea what he wants to do with his life, despite being identified as 'gifted' as a kid but never doing the work. Is it possible that life style of his dad, who he has barely seen since the age of 10 and he did not know was continually getting fired from high paying jobs for not doing the work is an INHERITED trait? He lies, manipulates and uses substances like his dad did. I divorced as I could NOT tolerate that behavior. And now I'm living w/ it again. My son says he needs a restful home (he lives with friends in a house and I'm guessing they are sick of him and want him out which is why he wants to move home). Do you have any guidance? I've suggested the Peace Corp and the military. Boot Camp Coding Schools. Full time jobs doing ANYTHING. You can't make changes and find your passion by sitting and waiting for it to happen. You need to "fake it til you make it". All these things I tell him. We're highly educated, compared to their friends, they were asked to do more chores, pay more towards their own education, shared a car with three people,etc. This entitlement my youngest has is baffling. He claims he's no longer smoking weed or doing other drugs and doesn't appear that way. Well this is long. Appreciate so much any input you have. At a loss.

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      Denise Greco 2 weeks ago

      My daughter is 28 dating the same guy 10 years.She has her master's in medical field ,living out of state in her own apartment.They see each other some weekends He is a landscaper unemployed every winter unless it snows then he plows. He is 30 has zero dollars saved,decided he will not be moving to join her because he doesn't want to " GIVE UP HIS JOB AND PUT HIS LIFE ON HOLD" BECAUSE SHE WILL PROBABLY MOVE BACK TO her home state after she has given her employer a fare shake for training and employing her as a new grad.

      She has many reservations about him but flip flops on her position often. She is insecure and doesnt like confrontation but she is also a very strong smart independent woman. She has told her friends she fears she may never meet anyone if she breaks up with him. I want to suggest that she seek therapy to get an open opinion of her situation Nd so she can examineher feelings without fear of others judging her or him...What's the best thing to do? We have a loving mom daughter relationship but she is also very private about her feelings.I just want her to be secure in moving forward whether it's with or without him and I don't want to risk hurting our relationship in the process.....suggestions.?

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 weeks ago from Arizona

      Your daughter is strong and tough. I was in my late 20's before I understood that employers pay unemployment as insurance just in case they let someone so without cause. She probably thinks unemployment is welfare. At this point I think they will back pay her for the time she's been off. Maybe you should explain this to her. Also unemployment only lasts so long so its just to get you through. I would have that conversation with her. People like her don't want a handout, unemployment is not a hand out. I was never one to take "State Aid". Some people are that way. I wouldn't push the moving home issue until she brings it up. Good job raising an independent child.

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      Denise 2 weeks ago

      Hello. I have a 26yo daughter who just left home last year July. She got her own place and was doing fine up until she lost her job this month. She was laid off. She did not file for unemployment, but has been looking for work. She has gotten to the point where she has to choose over paying bills or food. I bought food for her this week and paid her car insurance for the month. She is

      struggling, but I don't want to baby her and tell her to come home. She is hurting because she has never experienced this. She is looking for another job and I advised her to file unemployment to help her get by. She has been on her own for 6 months now. I am sick over her situation and can't sleep. Every time I talk to her I want to cry. I don't know what else to do. All I can so now is pray that she will get another job and she will be okay. I know it's not the end of the world because I had to go through it as well and I survived. It's painful to see that her like this.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 weeks ago from Arizona

      @sad in Texas

      It sounds like your son is doing drugs. He is obviously making bad decisions. It's time for him to move out. If he cant live by your rules he needs to go. Stop giving him money. Stop letting him use your vehicle. Let him pack his stuff and go. He is not going to do what you ask. If you feel physically threatened by him, get a restraining order.

      I'm going to tell you what is going to happen if you continue to keep him around. He is going to wreck your truck, get into trouble, possibly steal from you. He's obviously angry and rebelling. If you can get his dad to help, you might be able to fix this, but if his dad is a loser, I wouldn't bother. My advice is to let him move out. You giving him money when he threatens you is only going to lead to more threats. Stop helping him. As for the girlfriend, she should get a restraining order as well. He is not going to change his behavior if you keep fixing things for him.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 weeks ago from Arizona

      Goal setting is useless without action. Sit down with her and write down a list of jobs she is qualified to do. Then she has a place to start her job search. In my younger days I actually liked working retail but hated food service. If she knows what she likes to do, the job search will go better. Everything is online now. She can apply to 25 jobs a day without leaving the house. The goal should start with the process. Everyday she can apply to 15 jobs. Treat it like a job, on the weekends she's off from applying. Practice basic interview questions. This really helps when you are in front of a stranger having to explain what your greatest qualities are as an employee.

      Once she has a job, encourage her. Tell her how proud you are that she is taking on new challenges, help her set up a bank account teacher her to save part of her money. These are all steps to independence. Teacher her about the 1/4th rule in renting a place to live. All of these things are action related, they are not just about sitting at a table and saying it needs to happen. I'm sure this will work out.

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      Sad in texas 3 weeks ago

      Well, its hard for me to speak with what I am going thru. My son is 23 years old. He stop going to our church, I am a church goer. I found out in the past he used drugs. I was never aware of this, He recently was in an accident for race driving, we are going to court he has 2 felonies. The other two were badly hurt...this put me in a very bad economically situation, I had to get loans to bail him out 4,000 Dlls and 5000. for lawyer, and recently he was arrested for an unpaid ticket, again my mother help me with the 500 dlls to avoid going to jail. Now I owe her that money. My son has been very disrespectful towards me, I tell him to help me pay, he told me, he didnt ask us to pay the 500 dlls. Now he has turned violent towards his girlfriend , he gets mad at her and hits things..he uses my truck because his truck got repossessed, I had help him pay but now with all this debt I couldn't, it hurt me to see him lose the truck but I had no choice. He lives with me my mom and daughter..I tell him to come home early, he never does. He has been very disrespectful towards me. Once he told me if I didnt give him money he was going to do some thing he was going to regret. I gave him money..I don't want him to get in trouble on top of what he already has. I told him I was not going to lend him my truck anymore because he mistreates it and leaves it without gas all the time. He doesnt give me any money at all...I end up giving him money for work all week for him to eat. I am tired..I am afraid for him...I am afraid he'll cause a scene for his girlfriend and get arrested. She is afraid of him...I told her to call the cops on him. Please help me...I don't know what to do anymore....sometines I wish something would happened to me in order to know if he still loves me....I forgot to mention I am a single parent...His dad left when he was 6 years old and has not been in their life's since then....please help!!!

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      Nicole 3 weeks ago

      I have a freshly 21 year old daughter who's been stagnant the pass 1 1/2 years... she attended our local university for a year but failed all her classes... she's very intelligent and smart so I asked her what happened and she explained although she left for school each day she went there and did nothing... furthermore she no longer had any goals... I had her come work part time for me and out of money she earned from me (she worked a 20 hour weekly schedule and received paychecks from my personal business) she paid rent to stay home and is responsible for her own personal hygiene items and snacks/food outside of meals I prepare at home... during the time she worked with me she said she was looking for fulltimr work so that she could purchase herself a vehicle and move into her own place... well that was 2 years ago... I'm worried that I will ruin her life if I don't find the right things to say to make her get her butt in gear and become more responsible for herself... I stopped buying her clothes and giving her allowance at age 19... Im now realizing she's lived at home with me and her younger brother the past 2 years and havent accomplished any of the goals we've discussed at age 17-20... every 6 months we discuss what her goals and plans are... she be having good goals but they mean very little if she's not working towards them... she's now 21 and has dated a different guy every year the past 3 years... this year she has a new boyfriend and he's her third... I don't see any problem with dating but I do see one with dating and no other real goals getting accomplished... with all this said I plan on reading your article a couple more times before sitting down with my adult daughter once again to try and get her motivated about her adult life... May I add that she's a beautiful soul and doesn't have a disrespectful bone in her body... sometimes I think she's afraid of me maybe that's why she hasn't accomplished much but even with me haven't done much of anything for her in the past 2 years, she just sits idle... i will be disvussing the 6 month plan with her today for sure but any other advice you may have please please please share... even if I am the problem, let me know because I also have a 8 yr old that I'm raising... not looking to continue repeating the same mistake... thank you

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 weeks ago from Arizona

      Drugs complicate the issues between a parent and a child because you are not dealing with a rational person anymore. I would box up his stuff and convert that room into something else. The "fun" dad tends to last only so long before it the adult child realizes they don't want that life. It's your home if you don't want pot there, then you did the right thing. As for the money, in most states that decision has to go through the court, his father does not have a choice in where the money goes. However, I think that is the least of your worries.

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      Lauralo 3 weeks ago

      My soon to be 18 year old have left my home because I called 911 when he became threatening toward me while I was talking to him about not growing or smoking pot in my home. I had had several conversations with him about not smoking pot in my home which he denied doing every time. Telling me he doesn’t know what I am talking about. He now spends time with friends, also pot and mushroom users, and his Dad’s apartment. Today I received a priority mail letter that his father will be pay this son’s portion of his child support directly to our son who is still in high school and still on my insurance. Besides the fact that’s this not the legal way to do this . My son has thrown me his mother, the person who always had his back away. I have set clear easy boundaries and guidelines and talk with my son, his father does not. His father has encouraged this behavior and may possibly be taking advantage of the situation and our son’s young age and anger towards me they are both great at playing the victim and not taking responsibility. I’m devastated and hurt and don’t want to be simplistic and reactionary (I did cut off his cell tonight, but I doubt he notices since he only texts) He has a room of stuff in my home that his little brother want to go through. Do carefully box his stuff and take it to his father’s or tell my son he has x amount of days to do it himself? I am not sure I want him in my home though? This pain is so deep I have 4 other children, who don’t take drugs so there is that factor, that love and value me as their mom and mentor. Any advice is appreciated thanks

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 weeks ago from Arizona

      22 is still young. The brain doesn't stop developing until around 25. Until that time impulse control can be a problem. Also some people are just irresponsible. She sounds perfectly capable of supporting herself and contributing. Right now she your ex's problem, for now take a break and relax. If she wants to move back in at some point lay down the law. Make rules and give her a timeline for moving out on her own. She needs to get a job and save the money to get her own place. The key is to get her self sufficient. You have a lot on your plate right now. Until she comes back you need to sit it out.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 weeks ago from Arizona

      I feel your pain and I've been there. I'm going to tell you how to fix this, support the relationship. That sounds crazy but, many children will establish their independence through having a relationship that their parents will not approve of. When I say support the relationship, I mean when your son does call, don't say negative things about this girl. Say things like "If you are happy , then I am happy for you" because the truth is, he isn't happy and it will make him think about it. If he tells you something negative about her, tell him "the important thing is you are happy and work together". Keep driving that home. Also say "You are an adult this is your life, if this is what you want I support it". Eventually he will decide to leave. It may take a while. In the mean time you are going to have to be kind in words and deeds. This is tough. I had to do it for six months before my son finally got rid of his toxic girlfriend. We invited her to family events, put up with her behavior, and eventually she left him for a drug dealer. If you are right about this girl, then nothing will annoy her more than for you to turn a kind face. Also, if she says mean things to you personally, say things back like "I don't know why you would say that to me, we like you". Do not seek out contact with your son. He will call. When he does support it. It shows that you value his opinions and it gives him room to choose on his own without feeling like he is still doing what his mommy wanted. Good luck!

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      Beth Chapell 3 weeks ago

      My 20 year old son has been in a toxic relationship for 2 years. She has extreme anxiety and borderline personality disorder. This relationship has taken it's toll on our family. Me ex-husband does not allow her in his home due to damage she has done to the house. She has told my ex that she can take our son away from him, so he shouldn't push her. My son knows this and saw the messages she sent. She has threatened suicide to me when they broke up for a short period of time. I called her mother to alert her and encouraged my son to stay away from her. This young lady can be sweet as pie one moment and absolutely vicious the next. He has lost his last 3 jobs because his dependability is dependent on her moods. So, if she starts blowing up his phone or doesn't feel well he leaves or doesn't go in at all. He flunked out of his first semester of college because he wouldn't leave her. Being around them is emotionally exhausting. And if I see just my son alone she's texting him the entire time.

      We have taken the truck he used, that belongs to my husband and I, because if he's not working he doesn't need it and we're not paying upkeep and insurance for him. He paid his insurance through us previously. He moved in with his girlfriends family before Christmas (her parents and 3 siblings) after a fight at his Dads where she kicked a hole in the wall. I live 2 hours away and have offered repeatedly for him to move here and start fresh (I only moved last year). He doesn't respond to phone calls from us and I'm the only one that he texts responses to regularly. He's lost so many friends because of this young lady. Every one else he contacts when he needs something.

      He's in therapy weekly, I know he goes because his Grandma takes him and I get the insurance notice and copay bill. I've been praying this helps. They fight on a weekly basis and then make up. He takes all the blame and will say he just needs to be a better person. I can't understand it, my ex and I never behaved this way and my husband I don't either. I am an educator for people in poverty and I can see how he's gone from his middle class values and roots to this poverty mentality. I know that this is from the abusive relationship he's in and with therapy and time he could heal, but, he doesn't want to leave her because she needs him.

      I guess what I'm asking is how hard do I push? Should I just be here when he needs love and moral support? (I stopped giving him money over six months ago) Do I give him an ultimatum of moving here to start fresh? We're at a loss.

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      Mureen 3 weeks ago

      I am the gray divorced mother of 22 yr old daughter barely graduated College, (I work at a College and she her tuition was waived and unappreciated has been promiscious and making poor decisions re: health, money, can't hold a job because she can't get along with people and has increasingly become nasty without provacation. I live with my developmentally disabled adult sister and my 2 older boys. I was taking steps to give her consequences for her bad behavior like being disrespectful to me and my sister, keeping us up at night, finally she totalled her car, lost her job and I felt sorry for her and couldn't kick her out (even though I empty-threatened her) After my sister complained to a social worker about the stress in the house, I had to take action or my sons and I would have been homeless. I told her the position I was in and she left with her Dad. His home is paid for (I gave it to him in the divorce) but he doesn't want to support her and will probably also kick her out for her behavior.

      I'm trying to be strong, but if she comes back, I've always been soft when she cries and I feel like I will put my sons and my housing situation at risk if I see her here.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 4 weeks ago from Arizona

      You have several bad dynamics working against you. First your husband feels guilty so he inappropriately helps his son. Second the son has learned that a little guilt goes a long way. Third the kid is already committing crimes.

      We will break these down in order, the first thing is that your husband needs to establish a healthy relationship with his son. This is accomplished by the two of them spending time together doing male bonding activities. In most cultures boys are taught by their fathers to be men. When there is a gap in that relationship, young men fail to thrive. When you have a positive relationship with your child they want to make you proud, so they try harder. Once your husband has rebuilt that relationship he will be able to influence his son. When a child is mad they do things to get back at people because they have not learned adult emotional responses. What his son is really saying by being a criminal is "I'm mad at you so I'm not going to give you anything to be proud of". The bonding will also take care of the guilt. Your husband should at some point apologize for the broken home however, he also needs to let his son know at that point that he expects him to be a man and handle his business.

      There is another part to this which is the criminal element to what the son is doing. Any person who can figure out how to commit fraud, is smart enough to hold down a job. The problem is that people who are criminals have a tough time seeing the week of effort at a regular job as no different than than the week of planning it took to commit fraud. These types of behaviors seem to always go along with drugs. People who are doing drugs do not have a problem with committing crimes. the patterns of helping the son have to change. These are criminal charges and shouldn't be taken lightly. I hope that once a positive relationship is reestablished the criminal issues will be resolved, however, if that doesn't work then I would stop bailing him out. People think that laziness means someone lacks determination, that is not true, a person has to be pretty determined to do absolutely nothing to save themselves. Once he has a good relationship with his dad, he can turn that determination to more productive life projects.

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      Anna 4 weeks ago

      My husband has had a very hard time with his soon-to-be 23 year old-for the last 6 years. He worked 2 jobs as a single dad and had to essentially evict him at 18 his last sem. of high school for out of control behavior and refusal to follow rules (after police and child services really couldn’t help). His son finished high school living with a friend’s family and went to college across the country, fully financed by an aunt. They slowly started to speak to each other again. He dropped out of college and came back to his home area,moved in with a group of shady friends. With no license, car, and full time job he began to depend on others as well as party, lie continuously, and find excuses for not having a job. He committed fraud/larceny/forgery during that time for upwards of $8000. What the money was spent on besides rent we have no idea; it wasn’t anything to better himself like a car. By this point my husband and I were lived together and tried so many things to get him on track- arranged a military recruitment, a fresh start with a relative in another state, re-enrollment in college, etc. and each time he led us to believe he wanted these things just to be another scam. I think my husband was in denial at times that he wasn’t being productive in life at times, ordering and sending him pizza/takeout when he’d call hungry and short on money. His son eventually moved in with his gf and then her car when her parents kicked him out. She was paying to put him up in hotels. He was eventually arrested at 21 for the forgery and we paid $5000 for a lawyer upon the promise he would turn things around, and he moved in with his mom (who he has a turbulent relationship with and who has alcohol problems as well) and her bf (who gave the son part time work). Within 8 months he was kicked out of there for disrespect, not following rules, etc. He spent all he earned and also saved nothing towards his court ordered restitution of $4000. He started renting a room paid for by his girlfriend and has barely worked since, relying on her to pay his bills. She finally had enough. We believe he must have some type of mental health problem because he cannot maintain a job and always is making excuses why not and always blaming others for where he is. For ex- He will blame and focus his energy on his girlfriend leaving him in a rut and ask us to call her and talk to her, not realizing how ridiculous that is and rather than getting a job. We paid approx $500 in rent after his gf cut him off upon the promise this was the last straw and he would get a job. We sent him job openings almost daily. This would require him to maybe have to walk or take the bus, which he sees as unpleasant. Encouraging him to be self sufficient just makes him angry. He is currently being evicted and only has days left. My husband does not want to take him in our home because he fears he will just continue to lie, be lazy and make excuses. We tried to get him counseling, have given him money, groceries, clothes, and direction but he just continues to blame his dad and Mom for where he is and doesn’t learn from his mistakes. They divorced when he was 12 and he continues to dwell on that. He now says he has nowhere to go and doesn’t know what to do, but he hasn’t listened when my husband has been trying to guide him what to do all along. He takes literally zero responsibility for his upcoming eviction. I know you say you won’t let your child go hungry or homeless but what do you do when you when they literally won’t work so they aren’t hungry and want it all given to them? Living in a shady, dirty rented room and literally being hungry hasn’t motivated him to work. My husband doesn’t know what to do, he is a hardworking, Christian man, who has supported himself since 17. He has probably enabled his son at times and bailed him out but out of guilt from divorce. He blames my husband for not taking care of his kids but he is 23 and sees himself as a victim.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 4 weeks ago from Arizona

      Hello Debbie,

      Of course I love my adult kids. I love my kids unconditionally just like every parent. However, I raised my kids to be adults. By that I mean I taught them the value of earning something, the value of hard work, and I loved them without giving them everything they wanted or giving in to behaviors that would make them unproductive members of society. I am very close to all nine of my children. They are good people, all employed, all living on their own. When I die, my kids will survive. They won't be destitute because I was supporting them and their habits. Every parent makes mistakes because, we are human. I loved my kids with attention, spent time teaching them important things. Some parents think that if they give their kids every material possession the kid will be happy. Happiness is not based on material possessions. It's based on having a purpose and being productive. For most of the people who contact me the situations they are dealing with are out of control, most of them have exhausted every resource they have to save their children, they have already taken out loans, bailed kids out of jail, endured children cussing at them, they have cried themselves to sleep worrying over children on drugs or pregnant. They are at their wits end before they every come looking for me. Unfortunately, the fixes are not easy. They are difficult and sometimes harsh. It is difficult to break old habits and re-parent a child. It is the only solution. You cannot change a behavior doing the same thing you have always done. Some young adults snap out of their downward spiral, some don't. For a parent who has done their best to give a child a good life, it is torture to see their child become someone they don't know or can't trust. Now, you may think all of that makes me a horrible person and you mentioned mother of the year, well today I am meeting my adult kids for game night at my son's house. Because we all spend time together, we have good relationships with each other. I am blessed to have a happy family. Will it always be that way? I hope so. It's what I worked for, for 20 years. I love all my kids, and they know it. Hopefully Debbie you didn't find me because you are having your own adult child issues. But if you did, I am here to help.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 4 weeks ago from Arizona

      @Sharnell

      It's your home. Our rule with our kids was by six months after graduation they had to either pay rent, be in college, or move out. He is an adult, if he just graduated it's time for you to sit him down and let him know he's got six months to find a job. If he is going to stay in your home he doesn't just need to follow the rules, he needs to have chores and contribute. He doesn't get a say in this, it's your home. As for the strange visitors, I would start asking them to leave when it violates your rules. It doesn't have to be a fight, you simply tell them that "we don't have visitors past ten" or whatever your rule is. Again its your house. Your kid isn't going to be happy about it. But that is part of cutting the cord.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 4 weeks ago from Arizona

      @Kathy

      At 40 there isn't a lot of hope this kid is going to change. You obviously don't have room for him. It's time to give him an ultimatum he needs to be out by a certain date (you decide). I'm not sure what caused him to not take responsibility for himself but, you don't have to support him. The chances that he will bring the police to your door are good. Time to get him out.

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      Sharnell Hopkins 4 weeks ago

      I have a 19 year old son that had recently graduated he don't won't to work or go to school he doesn't follow my house rules sometimes I wake up to find different people in his room or my door is open I can't take it I want to put him out.......what should I do?

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      Kathy 4 weeks ago

      My son now almost 40 started doing drugs at a young age. Stealing Andy ended up in prison for 5 years. Got out started the same stuff again. Now he is in my house and no job nowhere to go and I can't stand much more. Live in 1- hundred square foot home and one bath. He won't attempt to work. Says he can't. I'm just lost on what to do thanks

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 4 weeks ago from Arizona

      Hello Jose,

      I responded to your email. If you have any questions please contact me.

      Thank you.

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      Jose A Moran 4 weeks ago

      My daughter is 21 and she lives with us still only works about 10hrs a week in retail and most of the time she spends playing online games. she does paying her phone part and 2 small bills we pay her car insurance since she was 18, but it is my frustration that she does not look for more in life a better job, back to school. I have spoke to her more that 3 times with no luck, but i am at a point where I belive I need to push her hard. what do you think

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      Sondrea Gallman 5 weeks ago

      As difficult as it is to be away from her and my granddaughter, I know that you are correct, and I should leave her alone for now. The bio dad sent me a message stating that he is appalled at what our daughter has told him and that if I did not leave her alone he would request his attorney to have a field day with me on harassment charges (bio dad lives in Florida my daughter and I live in Louisiana). The 3 of us coming together and conversing is highly unlikely. My daughter does tend to run on emotions and is very manipulative. My infant granddaughter and my young son are going to be the main individuals who will suffer.

      Thank you for the insight.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 weeks ago from Arizona

      @Sondrea

      Yours is such a difficult situation because, you don't know for sure what the truth is at this point. Children at 13 are prone to lying or telling half truths. Obviously you could only go on what she said at the time. If she lied, that is on her. Putting her bio-father and you through hell for no reason is not excusable. As for her current behavior, I suspect it wont last. She seems to be emotionally motivated. Right now I would leave her alone. It's obvious she has not matured if she is blaming you for her behavior. Everything you are saying sounds very manipulative. It's too bad you cant meet with her and her bio-father to discuss this. Just because she is speaking to him doesn't mean she lied. Lots of victims eventually have relationships with the person who harmed them. I wish you the best.

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      Sondrea Gallman 5 weeks ago

      My 20 year old daughter, who recently became a mother herself, became angry with me and decided to cut all ties with me, her step dad and her 11 year old brother. I was ok with her being angry with me because she becomes angry with me and others quite frequently. However this estrangement has escalated into something much larger. When my daughter was 13 years old she went to her step dad (my husband) and told him that her biological father had been sexually molesting her. Long story short, after a 7 year protective order against her bio father, she has now decided to reconcile her relationship with him and her step mother, which I feel is because of argument her and I had. Now here is the part that I can not seem to let go of. In order to rekindle her relationship with her bio dad, she is now claiming that she LIED about the sexual molestation and that I coached her into lying. I feel extremely betrayed by this, because I was the only one during the investigation that did NOT believe this happened to her. I want desperately to have a relationship with my daughter and also now my new granddaughter. I just need guidance on how to accomplish this. Any help from anyone would be most appreciative.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 weeks ago from Arizona

      @ Zileti

      Your daughter is 21, there isn't much you can do. I would let her come get her clothes if she wants them. It might be a good idea to get her on birth control before this situation becomes something you really don't want to deal with. Other than that you have to let her make her own decisions. You could fight her about this, however it will only make her want to stay with this man more.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 weeks ago from Arizona

      If your son is ok with his lifestyle choice, there isn't much you can do right now to change him. He sounds content to live in the girlfriends car. He will change when he is ready. It's not an ideal situation but, he is choosing that life. We use to have a man with the mental capacity of a 12 year old who did minor janitorial work for our company. People who want to work will find work. If your son is determined that he wants to be homeless, then let him be. At some point camping out will get old. The alternative is turning your home into a half way house. He is young, there are a lot of years ahead for him to get it together. I wouldn't pay for the motel rooms either. If he wants help, offer him help to get a job. Maybe get him enrolled in a work program or with a temp service. Have hope people do change and grow.

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      Sondrea Gallman 5 weeks ago

      My 20 year old daughter, who recently became a mother herself, became angry with me and decided to cut all ties with me, her step dad and her 11 year old brother. I was ok with her being angry with me because she becomes angry with me and others quite frequently. However this estrangement has escalated into something much larger. When my daughter was 13 years old she went to her step dad (my husband) and told him that her biological father had been sexually molesting her. Long story short, after a 7 year protective order against her bio father, she has now decided to reconcile her relationship with him and her step mother, which I feel is because of argument her and I had. Now here is the part that I can not seem to let go of. In order to rekindle her relationship with her bio dad, she is now claiming that she LIED about the sexual molestation and that I coached her into lying. I feel extremely betrayed by this, because I was the only one during the investigation that did NOT believe this happened to her. I want desperately to have a relationship with my daughter and also now my new granddaughter. I just need guidance on how to accomplish this. Any help from anyone would be most appreciative. S

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 weeks ago from Arizona

      Positive resistance in life is what moves us. Without positive resistance we stagnate. Congratulations on your conversation with your son. Seeing him independent will bring you a peace of mind for his future as well as yours.

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      momhelp123 5 weeks ago

      My son is 21. He tried Army when he was 18, he made it 8 months then was discharged because he could not meet the requirements. When he got home, it was obvious he no longer wanted to be there, but he couldn't find a job. He is not the brightest, and he makes bad choices. He does have a chromosome defect that I believe causes a delay in his mental development in the responsibility area, but we have still tried not to allow that to make excuses for us helping him all the time. He just could not respect our household or follow the simple rules or find a path for becoming autonomous. We gave him a year of repeated chances to try to do something with his life, but he did nothing so we gave him a 2 month deadline at that point. The deadline came and he packed up and went. He has couch surfed with his girlfriend for the past few months and now is living with her in her car. The old truck that I gave him is broke down, neither of them has a job, they have both signed up for food stamps. He asks for money sometimes to get a hotel room. I always tell him, "come home for the weekend", but you are not bringing all your homeless friends with you. He refuses to come home unless I let all of them come. I don't give in. He has no desire to try to look for work, and he has not plans for ever being autonomous outside of being homeless. My other son is the complete opposite even though raised in the same household. He is getting straight As in second year of college and wants to be a physicist and astronaut. What can I do to help my 21 year old? I am at a loss.

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      Zileti 5 weeks ago

      My 21 yr old daughter who is still trying to finish high school met a man in school a student he is 27 yrs old still trying to finish high school as well,he lives alone or in his foster grandfathers app building. This man slept with my 21 yr old daughter 2 weeks ago it was her first experience and 2 weeks later left our home to go to school and never came back she decided to go live with this guy. She hasn't ever worked because we wanted her to concentrate on finishing high school, so she has no money ,no clothes except what she wore to school last Tuesday. Whow will she be able to live? I am furious and worried?

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      msber 5 weeks ago

      My daughter and her boyfriend moved out of my home last month after a year. They got into a really bad accident yesterday and totaled their car (a semi hit them). Due to how far they live from work they will probably have to move back in with me and my son. I am looking for suggestions for time-frames, maybe contract ideas so it doesn't end up being permanent again. His mother is terrible and just wants money from a settlement from their accident yesterday. My daughter is very intelligent, not very smart especially with money. I appreciate any insight.

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      The3bears123 5 weeks ago

      Well I talked with my son, asked him what his plan is for moving forward with becoming independent from us parents. He replied, I’m going to live with my parents forever and laughed. I told him though that sounds like a safe plan it is so important to work toward his independence from his parents, he said so you don’t want me, I said we want you to be an adult, to strive for a life where he is independent and caring for himself, he said what do I mean, so my husband and I said you work full time, and so we are setting some boundaries, first you have till May to find a place to live and in the meantime your going to have to pay rent and participate more in the taking care of his responsibilities around the house. Surprisingly he agreed, said he’s been scared about making it in the real world and so he has been trying to avoid growing up. My son and my husband sat down at the kitchen table and wrote up together a plan financially to meet the goal of moving out. Today, he cleaned his room top to bottom and spoke to us with respect and a calm voice, he also said he contacted a friend to move in together. My daughter after setting some boundaries with her has decided to take a break from talking with us. Though it hurts I know the boundaries we set down we’re the right ones for us.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 weeks ago from Arizona

      @ Carol123

      You think your daughter is drinking and driving? I would limit her car use to her job. As for the drinking, it may be a phase or she could have a serious problem. The main thing is that she doesn't leave the house with the car unless she is going to work. If she wants to go out, she can taxi there too. It might be helpful to take her to a local Mothers Against Drunk Drivers meeting. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. We had a 21 year old girl hit and kill a motorcycle rider in our neighborhood recently. That girl was double the legal limit for intoxication. Her life is over. She will be doing a life sentence for manslaughter. Your daughter needs a wake up call.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 weeks ago from Arizona

      At least your daughter is aware that you are not a champion of her boyfriends growing business. It's just such a strange thing for a kid to think you would be ok with. Although these are the times we live in. At the very least now she probably will leave you out of it. Unless something goes wrong in her relationship you may be dealing with this for a while. Let me know how things go with your son. Best of luck!

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      Carol123 5 weeks ago

      Hi I have a daughter that’s 22 . She currently moved back from from a relationship that lasted a year and we found out he had to go in a rehab for alcoholism. My daughter came home one evening and when I went out to her car I found the car running with knowone inside also the music was blaring as loud as it could go and her front door was wide open with her purse sitting in the passages seat. She told me she didn’t have a choice but to drive home her ride ditched her and she didn’t know what else to do however I ask her before when she would go out how she would get home and she said uber I found out from my daughter in law that this was not the first time for her but I don’t know personally. I took my daughters keys while she was sleeping and I told her I’m keeping them until we can go talk to a psychologist to see what’s going on with her . I’m the owner of the car and she’s the co buyer she keeps begging for the car back she says she’s going to lose her jobs but I’m so scared for her she’s my world and I’m so scared please help

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      The3bears123 6 weeks ago

      We don’t smoke marijuana, this is something she has decided to do. We are against the idea, and after talking with her today, and me explaining how it makes us feel, and how it worries us, she expressed sadness we have been so worried about her safety. We hope this is a new beginning, and until we hear otherwise we will have the mindset she gets that part. She did say she loves her boyfriend and doesn’t plan on changing the plans for a long term relationship with him, so I guess this is something we just let her learn on her own, cause really we have no choice. As far as our son, we will take your advise, as we know it’s right and we will just have to be parents again. We are feeling confident we can make a come back and someday have a close family again. Thank you!!!

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 6 weeks ago from Arizona

      As you know, the two of you created this situation and the two of you will have to fix it. First I'm not sure who put the idea in your daughters head that it was ok to smoke weed but, she apparently thought this was a way to win you over. Think about that for a minute.

      As for your son, he needs a deadline to pay or move out. It's your home. It's not a half way house for underachievers. You are parents not boarding house owners. Make rules, if they don't live by the rules, kick them out. It's not difficult. I'm not sure why you feel guilty, but it's time to take your life back.

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      The3bears123 6 weeks ago

      I have two adult children, one has recently moved out with a boyfriend in his parents home. We tried to encourage her to stay home, go to college and create a sound plan for the future. However, my daughter had other plans, and those plans worry me. As her boyfriend is part of a family who is close knit, but in the way of earning money on the side of growing marijuana, and I’m learning my daughter is finding this lifestyle to be no big deal, and I am afraid for her safety and ours, if we go to the authorities. My daughter doesn’t heed our boundaries of not to bring the boyfriend to our home, and come over and talk about wanting to get high with myself and my husband, that the boyfriend will hook us up... I have to ask her to change the subject or to leave, then she turns it around that her older brother is still here, that she can be here, unless were favoritizing him over her, then a fight ensues between my daughter and son, and then the boyfriend gets involved and my husband and I are ending up having to yell over their voices to ask them to leave, which they don’t, they just take it outside and continue. My son, my other adult children lives at home, has found ownership over my husband and I since his sister has moved out. He hibernates in his room when not working, playing video games for hours on end. Comes out to ask for dinner, and tell my husband and I his expectations in our home. He’s becoming very intimidating toward following the rules of the house, and refuses and challenges myself and my husband when reminded to participate in the maintenance of his living space or financial responsibilities. My husband and I have been disabled after a car accident several years ago, and have noticed since that period and forward both our children have changed, have become entitled, aggressive and verbally abusive, we may have created the behavior through our own guilt and depression of not being always available and able as we once were, as parents. We are stuck, or it just feels that way, and we want to be unstuck. My husband and I feel like running away from our kids, pack up and sell the home and move away. But the issue is we have overwhelmingly feelings of guilt, that we created this and that we need to fix it.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 6 weeks ago from Arizona

      Is your daughter ready to assume the responsibility of another human being? I'm going to tell you what what being a young mother is like and you can relay this to her:

      You cannot afford to move out of your parents home, you have to work twice as hard as anyone else because you have to move up in companies quickly in order to support you and the child. The baby's dad is normally useless, they do not pay support or help with anything (if you are lucky they disappear). Forget any kind of life of your own, do not date. There are tons of creeps out there looking for kids to molest and you can't trust any of them. Most men will not understand why you put your child first. Meanwhile this child is going to grow up and wonder about the other parent even though the other parent doesn't deserve the kid. Then on this kids 18th birthday the bio-father will show up wanting to take credit for the amazing person your kid turned out to be, and guess what, that kid is going to welcome the other parent into their life. This is the best case scenario if your daughter does everything right from here on out. If she is an underachiever with low standards her life is going to look like a bad episode of 16 and pregnant. This kid will grow up dealing with emotional issues and taking a back seat to your daughters life while becoming a dysfunctional human being. The reality probably lies somewhere in between. Is she ready for this? I know this sounds crass. However, I was a teen mom. It's tough. Not tough like an exam, it's day to day hard to live tough. It's the kind of hard where you don't have time to cry or the energy to do it. I left home at 19 with a management position in fortune 500 company and my three year old kid in tow. Is she that tough? Because if she isn't that kid is going to suffer.

      If your daughter isn't that person, I would say find a good couple, people who can't have children and give that baby up. I've met amazing people who really want children and can't have them. I would say if she isn't ready for this, don't do it.

      As for the father, I think she should marry him. I'm joking. He is probably going to disappear, I'm guessing raising babies isn't his game. This is a lot of reality to deal with, a lot of things to think about. I hope whatever her decisions that she puts this child first.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 6 weeks ago from Arizona

      Most of the people killed in accidents are killed because they did not wear their seat belt. If you have taught her to wear her seat belt then she should be ok even if she has a fender bender. People who are new drivers are also easily distracted. So have her put her phone on driving mode. As for you anxiety, it is not going to help your daughter for you to stress. So meditate, take a hot bath, relax. eventually she is going to move out and and at some point the constant worry ends. Be strong mama.

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      Jennifer 6 weeks ago

      My daughter just started driving received her license late at 18 . She’s only been driving a few weeks and is starting college in a week ! She has to drive on parkways to college with not much experience . I’m a nervous wreck losing sleep over it and have the worse anxiety about it . I need to learn to cut the cord I know but how do you get over this and know I need to let her live and learn but it’s killing me !!! Please give me some positive advice I’m desperate

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      Amy 6 weeks ago

      My 17 yr old is pregnant by an 18 yr old drop out with some verbally abusive tendencies. My daughter is hopeful he'll change. Trying to steer her clear of a relationship w him beyond that he is the birth father. Any suggestions?

    • michelleonly3 profile image
      Author

      MD Jackson MSIOP 6 weeks ago from Arizona

      I'm not sure what you are talking about. Why would she be having a secret relationship if she is in college? I know this is tough for parents and I have been through it, but you can't choose your child's significant other. Not only can you not choose them but, if you try to undermine them it only makes that child cling harder to that bad relationship. Always support your child's relationships unless they are abusive. It is your adult child's choice to be with that person.

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      Me 6 weeks ago

      What do you recommend when college age daughter is secretly having a relationship with someone at school which is affecting her life in regards to future choices and relationship with family?

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 6 weeks ago from Arizona

      I can tell there is a lot of emotion in your comment. If you want to help someone who is on drugs the only help I would offer is rehab. Do not send him money, do not move him in. If he wants help get him into rehab.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
      Author

      MD Jackson MSIOP 6 weeks ago from Arizona

      It is unclear what is happening with your son. It sounds like you want him out of your house. If that is the case, give him a deadline to be out or start paying rent. At 29 to still be at mom and dad's house is unreasonable. Give him a deadline and let him know he better keep a job because you are not taking him back in. If you don't get him to take care of himself then who is going to take care of him when you go?

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      Chris 7 weeks ago

      My problem is massive. I have a 29 year old son diagnosed with a personality disorder/Anxiety/Depression.Managed to see him through high school. Not able to hold a job for more than a 3weeks . Must have the best life style according to him without the money and its the parents responsibility to support this life style. Smokes like a chimney, drinks/cocaine/weed when has available money. Stopped taking his medication stating he is normal. Other son who is 27 is an engineer Self-supporting. How do we get the bad one out and help him realize.Perfectly normal in appearance talks of entitlement cops were called a couple of times since 2012...The wife is broken how do we go about this .....Both dad and mum need help in Ontario, Canada

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      Jason, 7 weeks ago

      What if it's not only a girl, and drugs.he talks to me like he what'S my help then,he says he like hurting people?,,I'm in Chicago he's in Texas..I have been out of his life for the last 10 years..

      Dad needs HELP!!!!

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      Heather F 7 weeks ago

      I have a huge problem and I am so at a loss as to what to do! My son is 30 he has a son who is 2, my son was and obviously is still having housing issues, of course I let them stay... Its been going on 3 months, he still has no job no place of his own and a built in babysitter... Me! If I dare say no that I can't babysit, he calls me, pardon my French, dumb count, stupid bitch, he gets in my face screaming. I have told him to get out or I'll put him out, he dangles my grandson over my headsaying say goodbye to names aren't imortant tells me I'll never see him again.What am I going to do? Oh, he also recently moved a girlfriend in who is lazier than he is! HELPPPP!

    • michelleonly3 profile image
      Author

      MD Jackson MSIOP 7 weeks ago from Arizona

      Here is how this is going to work. Your son who is already unhappy is going to continue to meet this girls demands until... another girl pays attention to him. The irony is that interaction with another girl is exactly what will motivate him to leave the current girlfriend, and that is why she won't let him out her sight.

      I went through a similar situation with my oldest. For years I tried to persuade him to get away from this destructive relationship. I am going to tell you what I learned. Always support your kids relationships (unless they involve physical abuse). I started telling my son I wanted him to be happy. If he needed this girl to be happy then I was happy for him. The more you push to break them up, the harder he will hold on because you are his parent and therefore wrong. Support it. Tell him she is welcome in your home. Be nice to her. This will run its course, however it will take longer if you fight it. I know it's frustrating, I know it's horrible. There is no need to threaten anything. If he wants to move out and wants to take care of himself, let him. He may never move back in, however, his relationship is going to end. When it does, he will look back in regret for the wasted time. He will always be your son and eventually he will be back in your good graces.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
      Author

      MD Jackson MSIOP 7 weeks ago from Arizona

      Kennel training. I'm sure there are videos on how to kennel train. It fixed anxiety and keeps the pet from tearing up the world. It's like a miracle sent from heaven. Good luck.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
      Author

      MD Jackson MSIOP 7 weeks ago from Arizona

      Boys tend to mature slower, this is why your friends are saying it's a phase. I'm going to tell you the rule that has always helped us in the past. My children had a choice, either go to college full time or get a job. If they chose to get a job they had six months to save money to move out or start paying rent. The six months gives them time to save enough for first, last and a deposit for an apartment. If they don't move out they get to pay rent at my house. These are rules you can adopt. Also, if someone can't pay their own way, they don't need to keep pets. So if he gets a job and can buy food for the dog, maybe let it stay. If he doesn't get a job, get rid of the dog. He doesn't take care of himself how can he support the dog??? As for the friend, I would direct him to the nearest shelter. Unless you know this kid and are willing to take on a tenant. Responsibility, is important. You have to make your son responsible for himself. I'm going to mention two things either of which may help him. The first is the peace corps, I had a friend who joined the peace corps at your sons age and it fixed him. There's always the military if he cant't keep a job. He's also a good age to serve a church mission. All of the above will get him on a road to independence. However, six month from today he is either out of your house or he pays rent. That's if he follows rules and does his share of the chores.

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      Jessica 7 weeks ago

      Is this only a phase? I keep hearing this ...My 19

      year old son has been in and out of our home for a few years now. He obtained his diploma but has not kept one job over a couple weeks. I know he has some resentment toward us but always calls to be bailed out or to come home stating he has no friends, job, car or anywhere to go. He has learned how to play both me and my husband and can even get my younger children to lie and cover for him. He is currently back in the home...after a week or so, an abandoned full sized dog showed up on our door step we returned him and the next day he was back in my house with my son. He claimed the dog was neglected and abandoned and loved him "he would get a job and 100% care for him. I let him stay, but he is still not working. Now this past week I have noticed extra plates and food missing. Fresh tracks in the snow up to our house and I noticed his friend's car parking down our street. He has secretly moved in his friend who I have become to learn has no where to live himself . So now not only do I have my own jobless unmotivated adult child in my house but his homeless dog and friend. I am so lost on how to handle this situation...Please help!!!!

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      Sad mom 8 weeks ago

      My adult son is away at college and living on loans. We loan money for food and Pay rent. He decided to get a dog and did not consult us. When he visits he brings the dog and it wrecks our home: woodwork, carpet, expensive electronics. He has no money to invest in dog draining. The rest of the family no longer wants to visit if he’s here. Need advice.

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      Worried Mom 8 weeks ago

      My 21 year old son who currently lives with my husband and I has been in a relationship for over a year (his first ever). In the beginning, his girlfriend was pleasant. We always included her in family functions and I let her stay in my home on the weekends because she also lives with her parents, and my son is not allowed in their house (because he is of race).

      Since he turned 21 (in the fall) she started to make demands on him, telling him to erase me, his father, brother, grandmother, and all family from his life. He told her he would. She told him that I disrespected her because I refused to take down his prom picture (of him and his date) that was hanging in my bedroom. I explained that it is my bedroom and she has no business in my room or tell me what I can hang on my wall. She told my son that he didn't have to do anything we asked and be disrespectful and stop talking to us.

      We have had many talks with him about the subject and on a few occasions he agreed that the relationship was not healthy but stated "he couldn't get out of the relationship because he made an AGREEMENT with her." When asked what the agreement was he said "That he had to do everything she asked to keep her happy." When we asked him what about his feelings, he said it doesn't matter. That is what he agreed to.

      He has threatened to move out but in the next breath said he has nowhere to go. He quit his job and got rid of all his friends because she told him to. He is only allowed to talk to her. He cannot do anything without her knowing. He is always holding his cell phone and SKYPE is always on his laptop so she knows where he is.

      My husband and I have tried to explain how unhealthy this is but he it is like a moth to a flame!

      A few days ago my older son (23) and his friends tried to do an intervention. They spent a night with him and asked about the relationship. He immediately fell apart, crying, dry heaving, and inconsolable. He told all of them that he knew it was wrong. He even asked my older son to speak to her, and tell her it was over which of course didn't go well.

      The next day when he spoke the girlfriend she promised him that she would change, but he was NEVER allowed to go anywhere without her again. And he of course agreed.

      Now, he is not speaking to anyone and told us (again) that he is moving out and getting a full time job. We have told him (the past few times he threatened to leave) that if he leaves that he is cut off! No car, no credit card, no phone.

      The girlfriend is 24, an only child, and has already graduated college (my son is still a student), moved back home and tells my son that her parents do whatever she says. However, as I mentioned earlier he is not allowed to step foot in her home. I believe that her mother is aware of the relationship but her father is not. They are from Asia and since he is not Asian he will never be accepted.

      Both my husband and I are ready to let him go and find out what "real life" is like. My only fear is that I will never see him again. My logical self understands that this relationship will NEVER work. That it is extremely expensive where we live and I highly doubt that she will leave the sanctity of her family home since her parents probably pay for everything. I am pretty sure that her car is leased by her parents because my son does all the driving.

      What I don't know, and would like to ask your "professional opinion” is if he will come back to us his family? We continually tell him how much he is loved and that he always welcome to come back. We tell him that we would help him find a place on his own but he has to communicate with us. He refuses. The only thing we have ever asked him (and the girlfriend) is to be respectful. Is this normal? Do you think once he figures it all out, that he will come back to us (not moving back) but being part of the family again?

    • michelleonly3 profile image
      Author

      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      First I want you to know it is extraordinarily mature of you to think ahead in this manner. If taking care of you future mother in law is a deal breaker for you then you might not want to make this commitment. Some families are very interdependent when it comes to money. Eventually if you are family they may consider you a resource. You always have the option of a prenuptial agreement. I hope this works out for you.

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      Stress2709236 2 months ago

      I raised my son solo after I split from my ex. Except for two years when he was 15/16/17 and he lived with his father. The environment there is one of struggle and borderline poverty. At home with me he is well provided for as my husband and I are both professionals.

      My son always struggled in school and his last year (a victory lap) he removed me from school contact (he was 18) and skipped so much that he lost his entire semester. He didn't graduate.

      I've kicked him out twice. Once for four months and once for three weeks where he was living in his car. He could move back provided he followed rules that were clearly outlined in a contract. Not surprisingly, that didn't last long.

      He had a job and quit because people there weren't as nice as he wanted them to be. So two weeks ago, after him being unemployed for about 6 weeks, I again asked him to leave. He's living with his girlfriend who is an absolute sweetheart. I'm afraid for how he treats her.

      Within two weeks he had a job. His first day was today. Of course his car broke down and he didn't make it. He called me at 6 am to tell me his car 'blew up'. I said that he's an adult now and he needs to solve these problems himself. I feel like an absolute failure as a parent and a complete b*tch for not offering to help. I'm having a very hard time learning where the line is between caring and enabling. What is reasonable, and what is unreasonable. The stress is overwhelming and is affecting my day-to-day happiness.

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      Razor3441 2 months ago

      This hits home in many ways although I am not a parent. I'm actually looking for advice here:

      I am dating a woman and her immediate family members are dependent on others for money. Her mother is supported by her boyfriend. Her 37, 23 and 21 year old siblings all work (mostly part time) but are partially supported by my gf's mom's boyfriend and often come to my gf asking for money as well. The main reason they are low on cash is they take their paychecks and spend most of it on booze or drugs or both. To me this is insane but the tricky thing is, they all have mental health issues or addictive behaviors or are dating people with them. Personally, I don't feel their mental health issues are so severe that it completely prevents them from being somewhat responsible but the mentality of her family is that when one of them screws up, someone jumps in and takes care of it.

      Based on this, I am a bit fearful of marrying my gf. Her mom's relationship with her bf is rocky. If they split, I get the feeling people will turn to me to do some of the heavy lifting when it comes to supporting her family members. Am I right to see issues with the above?

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      Warren 2 months ago

      Great article. Straight forward, honest, and on the money.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
      Author

      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      If you are truly committed to the goal of buying a home, then you should stick to your goal. If your son living with you doesn't bother you, then I would tell him he will have to wait a few months until you are ready to buy. Then if he wants to move in after you buy a house, you will be better able to help him. During that time he may have a commute. It's a better life plan for both of you, if you have your own home. Possibly once you have accomplished this goal, you can show him how to save to buy as well. That way your family grows in a financially positive way. This plan helps everyone without bringing your brother into the situation any more than necessary.

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      Linda 2 months ago

      Question...my son is 23, and has been renting a room from a friend. I've recently split from my beau of 10 years, have 90% of my belongings in storage and am now residing with my brother, taking over part of a flat in his duplex (the rest is filled his his belongings for storage). My brother has opened his door to me, to save money so as I can take care of myself and down the road, buy myself a house. After only 2 months of being with my brother, my son tells me that he would like to change jobs and wants to stay with me so he's closer to his new employer...but, I or my brother, have enough room for me, let alone my 23 year old son. Do i look for somewhere else to live for both of us, do I look into a house and take a hit on my 401K for the downpayment....I don't know, I'm thoroughly confused as to what to do as a caring mom, and, as an adult myself going through a trying time....

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      Anne Marie 2 months ago

      Thank you

      I really needed to read this.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
      Author

      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      Let me see if I understand this correctly, both your son and daughter have moved in with your mom because of your boyfriend? Until your children are adults (18) you are responsible for them. After 18 they are responsible for themselves, you had these kids before the boyfriend. You cannot trade your children for a new boyfriend, why? Because you brought these kids into the world and you are responsible for them. Your son is half you regardless of his father (do not tell him you were raped). However, your 19 year old son needs a deadline to move out, some goals, and he needs to know that someone cares. It's pretty easy to sit around when people are going to let you get away with it. Do not pawn them off on your mother. These are not adults, at 19 if your son doesn't have a life plan then it's time to get one. As for the boyfriend he knew you had kids and it didn't keep him away. It's not a contest between them. Get these kids across the finish line and into adulthood. Teach them to be responsible, that may require them to move back in for a short time, no matter what you do it's not going to be easy. Either way you need to take care of your kids yourself. Your daughters rude comment doesn't absolve you of having her as a responsibility. Go get your kids and finish raising them.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
      Author

      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      Jan,

      You need to speak to your son. This is just a misunderstanding. You need to start with the part about your hearing, remind him that you have the hearing problem. If he continues to act this way, then there is something else wrong. People get emotional in high stress situations.

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      Manda 2 months ago

      My son is 19 years old my mom let him love into her house after he had some issues living with his father and my oldest daughter of 17 decided to live with my mom because she didn't get along with my fiance she doent't take authority to well and was being disrespectful to me one time and my fiance heard enough and snapped on her telling her how disrespectful she was to me and that I was her mother and I got the comment well she doesn't act like it. Well now my son stays at my moms doesn't have a job sleeps and plays video games all day he asks to come over which I don't mind on the weekends that's fine but he ends up staying for a week or two doing the same thing at my moms than I have my oldest daughter ganging up on me throwing the mistakes I've made in my face saying he only wants to come over spend time with us that I choose my fiance over him but the truth is I don't want to enable him to where he's sleeping all day here and video gaming all night keeping everyone up at night he keeps telling me he wants to move in with me his younger sisters and his future stepbrother but my apartment is just so small a living room kitchen and 3 bedrooms I love my son I really do but I just don't have the room for him to move in if he did he would be sleeping on my couch taking over the living room area. I'm stressed out because I want him to mature and he's just not getting the big picture that he needs to get a job and work. Idk am I wrong for not wanting him to come over all of the time?

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      Jan 2 months ago

      I just had a big argument with my son and now he says I'll never see my grandson again... He called me in the middle of the night, was hysterical and talking so loud and fast I couldn't understand him. I interrupted him to tell him I couldn't understand what everything he was saying so he screamed louder. He had his girlfriend and three kids with them and apparently the car was overheating and he was scared they were going to break down in the middle of the night in a snowstorm. Recently I went completely deaf in one ear and suffer from terrible headaches. My "good" ear is very sensitive and if sounds are too loud they become distorted. Anyway, he screamed, "FINE, WE'LL JUST BREAK DOWN IN THE COLD!" or something like that and hung up on me. A half hour later he is in my house getting water. I came into the room and asked why he hung up on me and he started yelling at the top of his voice. I told him to get out of my house if he's going to be so disrespectful. Oh, that really made him mad. He called me every name in the book and told me I'd never speak to or see my little six year old grandson again. He through in my face every mistake I'd ever made. I've made a few since I became pregnant with him when I was only 15. I never told him he is the product of rape. How do you tell someone that? I did my best. I worked hard, kept him fed and clothed. I loved him the best I could. How do I keep him from using my grandson as a cruel tool?

    • michelleonly3 profile image
      Author

      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      @Chachkeese

      There are no trophies for being a mom, no pay, no holidays off, and a lot of the time there is absolutely no appreciation. You obviously have been the person to help your daughter when she needed it most. However, you are now feeling the brunt of her life focus being less than family oriented. The only thing you can do at this point is have a heart to heart with your daughter about how hurt you are that she is not in your life. You are not in competition with her boyfriends family. Some of the comments you made were coming from a place of jealousy. Do not be jealous, if her relationship goes south then these people will be gone. While you shouldn't hope for that, you should work on your relationship with your daughter. When kids move into adulthood they naturally cut the cord from their parents. At times this is difficult for the parents who have done nothing wrong to deserve a cold shoulder. It takes time and life experience for adult children to appreciate their parents. I wouldn't be too concerned about her behavior, life changes and this temporary. While her current actions are a little immature and insensitive, she has a lot of life left. Hang put with your son's wife and enjoy your grand kids. Everything has a season. Maybe this is your season to be closer to your son. The woman getting mother of the year, will never know it. Keep that in mind and help your children from your heart.

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      Chachkeese 2 months ago

      My daughter is 25 she lives in the big city, she has changed we are simple people with simple lives. She has surrounded herself with her boyfriends family she brings wine over for dinners for them she call us when she needs something like oil changed, brakes done, or when her birthday rolls around. We have not gotten anything from her in years for our birthdays --We have never met her boyfriends family even tho she has met all of them, she goes out of her way to impress them she has been with him 6 years ( she goes on vacations to stay at their houses etc she tell us they are loaded) , we have seen him a handful of times he seems superficial but nice. She also has little to do with her brother and his wife she thinks she is above them, I hardly have anything to talk to her about she takes offense to anything I say, her father just lets her get away with it. I am tired of it this past Thanksgiving she told me she was coming out the night before to sleep over (she never has done that she barely tells us she is ever in town she stays at her roommates parents house they are loaded but recently sold the house so she has no where to stay now) well it ends up she came into to town to bar hop with her old friends out in this area I saw her for a few minutes as she put on her makeup.. I thought we were going out to have dinner yeah that did not happen she used this house to get ready and then she went out did not see her until 2 am when she came home. We made breakfast for her in the morning and she told us Happy Thanksgiving she proceeded to tell us she was going to have Thanksgiving with her boyfriends family and she had to go get table wine for it she was bringing cheese platter she does nothing like that when and if she comes here- Like she is so trying to impress these people and us she don't care we have to love her is how I feel. We do not have a ton of money and we are simple people our son lives down the street from us with his wife and our grandchildren she has no relationship with them she did not even bother to see them that day. She posted on social media later that night that she was ( oh FYI she just added us on her Facebook) thankful for spending the day with people who truly love her and thankful she was no longer in retail, I responded we love you also and remember the one thanksgiving we had to bring you food to work, apparently the post was not about us, it was about her boyfriends family or the people she spent Thanksgiving with but certainly not meant for us after I posted that she took down her Facebook account. She praises her friends and other family members but will not post or say anything about me her mother she will post a picture of her father on her account but she has not one picture of me on her social media not one in ten years. I am fed up and she really does not see anything wrong with this behavior. This kid sucked the life out of me while she was in high school and college, I had to get loans for her when she skrewd up her second year in college she was suppose to pay it back she never did. I got her a job at the store I worked when she was 16 I even hired four of her friends, I got her transferred to a store close to where she went to college so she would have a job. I sent her money if I had extra me not her father. WE had given this child three cars not expensive ones I took on a car payment and gave her mine because it was paid off she totaled it and I even gave her the money for the car from the insurance she posted on social media( I did not have social media then) that she was a so proud of herself she was buying her first car with her hard earned money no mention of me giving her the money nothing just all about her I was disgusted when I saw that- She does not call us as I said unless she wants something she hardly ever return a text so I stopped texting oh she did return the one when I asked her what she wanted for Christmas... She praises her Aunt and Uncle post pictures with them...So I have decided to pay attention to myself for once in my life and let it go this person who she has become is not who I raised I am a simple person who loves thrift stores came from a family of 9 my husband came from 8- Our daughter is the baby of two and she became very jealous when our son had kids who does that - IDK what to do anymore with her ignorance and her lack of love and empathy to us, she has become this self centered human being she talks more to one of her Aunts than to me and this Aunt and Uncle use people for personal gain they still owes us 3500.00 from years ago . When my grandmother died I asked my children who was coming to the funeral with me my son just started a new job he said he could not get off my daughter was working for the same company as I but different location I asked her to take off she told me no, now this is a child who took off for her boyfriends grandmothers funeral and she took off for her boyfriends cousins funeral two days by the way... and she took off for her friends sisters funeral but she wont take off for her great grandmothers its a paid day off I was disgusted - It saddens my heart she is this way-

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      Loulou lee 3 months ago

      My daughter is 27. She recently moved out. She has never been respectful towards me as I would like. And, now that she is living with a boyfriend I'm a bit relieved. The problem is she won't actually say she's moved out. I think this is because she still wants me to help her with rides and such. But, I'm really done with the disrespect and I feel that helping her is simply another way of breeding the same old problems. I guess I'll be telling her she needs to find her own way to work and it's time to pack up the rest of her stuff. I pretty much know I won't be seeing her for a while once I do this. But, I'd rather not than contribute to her bad attitude towards me.

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      Passive Aggressive Young Adult 3 months ago

      Hi, I am so glad to find this site, I feel that your advises are really genuine and from the heart.

      All these years my husband and I are baffled as to why our daughter is always unhappy and our biggest mistake is when she does not talk to us, we cave in due to guilt. She can last a week without talking, yet shows defiance in many ways from the simplest chores, ignoring our calls. She procrastinates, could care less about the quality of her chores, doesn't matter if you give her money or not, she's still mad at us and brags that we are very predictable. One time, we found out that she finds pleasure in manipulating our conversation. She portrays that she is a victim and we are bad parents. It is really hard to pull of a "Sorry" from her. She would rather not talk and make it this environment the norm in our family. How do we correct this? Is it too late?

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      Vanessa 3 months ago

      _hmmm been mexican american just makes it so hard. My mom is like no, all your aunts and uncles consider people who leave their house without been married, sluts. Great, so if I move out, and try to become independent, that's what I will be considered? Geeze thanks a lot...

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      Pat 3 months ago

      Thanks for replying and giving your professional opinion. Although I knew what you are saying, it is always reassuring to hear it from someone who has experience in dealing with this and helping others. I appreciate your time and hope that I can take this and do our part to start the process of my son being responsible for himself. We know its ultimately up to him but we want to do whatever we should. Bless you for being so kind to take the your time to help others. Hope you have a nice holiday season.

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      18 year old daughter 3 months ago

      We have attended our first session of family counselling. We did try before but she hated it. She would say what the counsellor wanted to hear from her and not really what is inside, while we are all out because we know we needed help. We know we need help because of the cycle of frustrations. She once told us that she is very headstrong and she only respects her own opinion, not everyone else's and that includes those in the counselling profession. Our daughter has been telling her friends that we are bad parents and when they come by to visit, you can feel that they're a bit bewildered. Two of her friends have approached us and said they were glad that they have seen us because what our daughter had been painting a picture of us does not add up and they have to see it themselves. Hopefully, this family counsellor we are seeing can penetrate to the core of our family dynamics because it is no longer healthy for all of us.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 months ago from Arizona

      It would be difficult to tell you how to fix him without seeing him myself to judge the extent of the behaviors. Sometimes diagnosis such as OCD and panic attacks are temporary yet once someone hears that diagnosis the make it a part of who they are "I cant do that because I have anxiety". Anxiety is an unrealistic response to normal life situations that are not harmful. Think about that. He needs to retrain his brain to react appropriately. It can be done. Are you going to bubble wrap your son and keep him in his room? Your son is 30. That is a weird age to be living at home. I'm sensing some codependency brought about by the son you lost. Being afraid your son might die, is not an excuse to keep him from living. In life we develop life skills for survival. At some point your son got the message that you were happier with him this close, than you would be if he got out on his own. I know people with OCD who work and have their own apartments. He is not disabled by these disorders, he is disabled by the thought of them. It's time to cut the cord and let your son go live. Give him a date by which to either move out or start paying rent. Be strong and believe in your son. Let him know that you think he can make it on his own. One day you won't be here to take care of him so you better get him self-sufficient now.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 months ago from Arizona

      This is a phase. He is in a stage in life when he is out on his own, not thinking about his parents. As Parents we expect our kids to be grateful for the life we gave them. The ages between 16-25 are when kids naturally pull away from their parents to test life on their own. Be patient. As for the money, giving him money is up to you. It really depends. At some point your son will start communicating more. For right now enjoy your free time.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 months ago from Arizona

      It depends on why your son is on SSI. There are a jobs that disabled people can do to supplement SSI. Everyone needs a purpose in life. Purpose is more important than happiness. however, if he hasn't asked for your help anything you volunteer is simply meddling in his life. Also, you have to let the wife thing go. You are not going to convince him that she is bad, he has to figure that out on his own. At 42 even someone who is disabled does not want to be mothered. That said there are government housing options available. You can lead a horse to water, you can't make them drink.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 months ago from Arizona

      You and your husband need to decide what you want as the end result. It sounds like all of you need counseling. your relationship with your daughter should be a loving caring relationship, not a battle. It also shouldn't be you and your husband creating consequences where they don't belong. Let her do her own laundry. The best I can tell you at this point is that your negative feelings are hindering your progress with her. you shouldn't be looking for ways to make he life harder, just don't bail her out of trouble when she's doing stupid things. Work on your relationship with her and consider counseling.

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      Pat 3 months ago

      I don't know where it begin, but at this point, my eldest son is 30 and has dual problems going, has always had anxiety, OCD, panic attacks, etc, and it has only gotten worse by using alcohol, which makes him somebody else. He is on and off with jobs, nothing steady for a long term, lives at home, and is not following our rules of no drinking. We are walking on egg shells because our younger son passed away a couple years ago and now my older son is even worse. I know that we need to make him get out, but feel like he needs to get his head on straight and want him to go for help, so that he can see that he is able to survive on his own. I know we don't help but allowing him to stay but I need strength and guidance to know how to go about making him get the help he needs and getting him to be responsible for himself. He had seen someone but that didn't last and he didn't want to take meds cause he says he is paranoid since his brother and others have died from drugs. He can't see that alcohol is just a slower killer (in most instances). I know we shouldn't have allowed this continue for this long and our fear of losing him to prevents us from doing what needs to be done. How can we approach this and have him get help so that he can function on his own? He is intelligent and has so much he could have going for .

      himself.

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      PK 3 months ago

      my son is 19 years old, a 2nd year university student. we had great relationship and he was truly my LOVE before the age of 15. after he has a girlfriend he doesn't like to communicate with us, ignoring us. the only time he talks to us is when he needed money or something from us. he does not care or is grateful for what we do for him, when we talk to him or ask him something...it's like we are interrupting his life. we don't want to push him away, but his actions hurt us so badly. what can we do to make him understand that we love him but not wanting him to take it for granted and ruin him?

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      ronda 3 months ago

      my son is 42 years old married and gets about 740.oo a month from ssi his wife shows upon the first of every month stays with him until that little bit of money is gone. They were told to move out of there house and he is in his little motorhome broken down with nobody to help. Wat do I do I love my son but what can I do.

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      18 year old daughter 3 months ago

      You are exactly correct, we get intimated by her arrogance and the way she speaks to us is very disrespectful. We have made drastic moves, when she takes my clothes without permission, I charge her half the cost, when she does not follow her curfew (she is very good at bending curfews before, we would lock the door, when she spends all her money, we don't give anymore. She frequently miss classes and yells at us that the professors are ok with it, and she has a lot of laundry. We were thinking, we'd ask her to do laundry in the laundromat so she knows how much it costs and let her pay. She attempted suicide and if she does not go to school we panic. Ehen she was in gr 12, we asked her to apply for scholarships, she said she'd rather work and pay for it. When her friend got a 4 year scholarship which pays her way to uni, she said that her parents were smart and our family is abnormal and besides it's too late. What frustrates us is she comes home late and never talks to us, always on social media, and just goes to her room. We feel like our house is like a hotel, or we have a tenant who s not pay. We're now tempted to ask her to pay for rent. We don't know what else to do.

    working