Adult Children—When to Help and When to Let Them Learn

Hi. My son who is now 20 years old was diagnosed with ADHD in high school. At first I thought he was just the typical forgetful, irresponsible, lazy teenager but when it started interfering with his grades, I sought help and discovered his diagnosis. He began taking meds, but soon stopped them because he didn't like the way they made him feel. He refused to take any other meds or began therapy. He barely made it across the stage. When he finished school, he did not want to attend college. He just wanted to get a job. I had no problem with that because it was a real struggle with high school and I don't believe college is for everyone and I did not want him to waste my money with him not being focused with his disability. Well since then, he has had about 8 jobs. Working one month, not the next. Willing to assist financially when he has brought in the income, but not too consistent because he is so quick to leave a job without the second on in place. His ADHD is really interfering with his adult life and the household. He has left the stove on, the grill still plugged in after use, the house doors open after he leaves. He loses his license and bank card every month, runs out of gas twice a month, locks his keys in the car once a month. He sometimes abruptly leaves the house in the middle of the night out of boredom. Falls asleep in his car in front of the house and I know he smokes weed. It's like he's self treating. He sometimes engages in risky behavior like driving too fast, running read lights (tickets proved this coming in mail). Hangs out with not the best company. Although he is very creative (art major), he is impulsive, argumentative, extremely disorganized, He has angry outburst, an addictive personality (smoking weed), gets bored easily, rebellious, trouble prioritizing and chronically late. . Every space he occupies is a complete mess. I don't think he has a pair of matching socks. When he washes, his clean clothes get mixed back in with his dirty clothes. His car recently broke and is parked in front of the house. He just can't seem to get ahead to get it fixed. i want to help him, but he's too unstable for me. If he had a consistent job, I would feel better about it but I am worn out. Here recently, he met a girl older and has been staying at her house every night because it's not far from the place he works. My concern is that she has 3 kids and lives in a not so good neighborhood. I am worried about him self destructing without my guidance. He has anger issues too. Although my house is peaceful without him being there, I am also worried. His ADHD seems to be more troublesome as life's responsibilities manifests. I want to let him go, but I am truly concerned about his disability that he will not address. I pray constantly! Help!

My husbands adult daughter 27 with a college degree was put on our car insurance and our phone plan while she was in college since we paid her bills. She has now been out of college for over 2 years. Has not been gainfully employed since. I have told her when the bills are due and she always has an excuse why she cant pay them on time. However, the bills in her name such as her car payment or her credit cards (which she has maxed out) always get paid on time. I want to put her on her own phone plan and move her to her own car insurance policy which will obviously make them go up. I feel as long as she is on our plan she knows it will be paid on time even if she does not pay her portion on time. I feel like we were doing her a favor and saving her money so the least she can do is pay them on time. Once it is on her and she does not pay, the consequences will be all hers. Am I wrong for thinking this is what needs to happen? She is going to get mad and tells her father that she wont see him anymore. He actually thinks that will happen.

Hello,

I need advise. My 22 yrs old son in 2017 have eyes surgery to permanently change his eyes color. A type of lences was insicioned in his iris. Surgery didnt go well. He was performed other surgery to take off those contacts from his iris, leaving him the iris wide open. Now he suffers from light sensitivity. He went to college but he drop out. He came back home.afters 6 monts he brought a girl from Az who he said he was leaving to Tx and share an apt with her. They left same night she came home. Once in Tx, they coudnt find apt because my son have eviction from not paying rent for an apt he WANTED and rented outside of Indiana U. They came back home. My husband told then to work hard, save as much money they could to find a place to live. Give then 4 months. I tryed to help then find a place but was impossible with the eviction. Now he is very down. Low steame, dont want go back college, barely works. If works, he works 2 or 3 day a week for 3 or 5 hrs in Uber. The girl found a job as a teacher asst. He sleep lots. I found out heand her smokes marijuana

I'm not sure if you remember our story. We love our only daughter very much and we'll do everything for her to be able to graduate in college, but at the same time want to instill responsibility as a young adult. When she was in Gr 12, age 17, she ran away twice (due to boyfriend) and moved out on the day of graduation. She ended up penniless, living at friend's place, and was forced to return home. On her 1st yr in uni, she was persistent to work full time despite of our encouragement that she just study and work max 2x/wk, then, she failed most of her courses. 2nd sem, we helped with her tuition, got better grades and all seemed to work out fine. 3rd sem, she started to lie, sneak and stay late outside, and have a new boyfriend. Since she works, she spends her money towards her boyfriend, eating out, giving gifts, etc. Her constant lying caused disagreements again at home. We told her if you don't communicate that you're coming home late, we'll lock the door, so she decided to move out. In Canada, when a young adult lives independently, they are eligible for a loan. We can't get a student loan because of our family income. When she received the lent money from the gov't and her wages, she was living like there's no tomorrow, eating out/treating friends/buying expensive gifts, using taxi for travel, pays gas for her bf's car, and did not pay rent for 5 months. She had 2 car accidents. She only have a learner's license and apparently she drove her friend's dads car and got into an accident. The other one was she was a passenger. Then, she failed all her courses. Now, she's changing career plans and took a semester break. She now owes 5 month's rent, car accident premium, and wasted over 9k tuition for the whole year. We asked her if she wants to come home and we'll find a better way to work this out. She said that the only way she can come home is if we pay her full tuition in full. We asked her, we can loan you tuition, and once she graduates, she pays us half and she keeps the rest. She also demanded that she will only work 5x a month. We asked her if she can at least contribute a little from her salary so that we don;t have to apply so much for loan. She said whatever she earns, she will deduct her phone and allowance, and whatever is left is for the tuition, AND she wants to keep her tips 100%. Her work as a server gets more tips than their base bay. Calculation wise, after she deducts the phone & allowance from her base pay, she will only end up contributing $50-100 a month while she gets $600. We asked if she can use her tips towards her allowance and she said no and would not compromise. She said that she wants to be able to buy stuff she wants and save money for car. We said how can you prioritize your wants when you can't even sustain your needs? Long story short, she's not happy and decided that she just stay with her friend. She also said that she can't commit with chores because she's busy with work during her semester off. We mentioend that we will not sign your loan if you have enough money to pay for your tuition next semester because we don't want you to end up in a mountain of debt. Is it right that as parents, we swallow finacing her tuition 100% and at the mercy of whatever she can give us? All we hope for is for her to acknowledge that we are doign this for her and if she can pool in her resources and we all decide how to best manage her needs. If she needs to replace her computer replace her broken guitar, we can understand that. We wish we can be united and she stays at home with a sense of shared responsibility, but it seems that no matter what we do, she likes to be away from us and do what she wants. Help.

o just study and only work 2x/wk, hencewhile in 1st yr uni, failed most of her courses in the 1st sem. 2Snd

I have an adult son who is 21. Whenever he is asked to do something like clean up his mess from a party he had and take the trash out he says he will and never does so I tell him again to do it later that day and he finally cleans but doesn't take trash out. He says fuck you to me for telling him I expect him to do what I say why he lives in my house. How do I handle this? I've taken over enforcing rules because my husband is at his wits in and I thought he was too mean but now I see what he was dealing with

I have enabled my son since he was 17 and he is now 20. He smokes pot and I've bailed him out of jail, bought him cars, got him jobs that he quit, paid for his apartment and more. I tried getting him counseling. You name it, I've tried it. He is now married and once again I got them an apartment and paid the rent because they didn't hold down jobs. He was supposed to go into the Navy and then changed his mind because one of the reasons is he can't and won't give up marijuana. They finally got their own little place, which I again paid for to move in and he had a job and quit due to it being so far to drive. It is more of the same and now they can't pay their rent, but I have cut them off financially because they need to grow up and take responsibility. Normally I have always bailed them out, but I can't do it anymore. I have put myself in financial debt and can't do it. They need to grow up and take responsibility. This is the hardest thing I've ever done because they can't live here and may end up in a shelter, but they have got to learn that they have to be responsible. I've tried everything. I tried to help with $300 and they didn't use it for rent. I'm sure he bought marijuana and other things. Am I doing the right thing by cutting off the money? Why is it making me feel like I'm a bad mom for not helping anymore?

My adult son was arrested recently for drugs, he has destroyed his marriage, and has pawned everything he has owned. Yet with every phone call I get from him of begging for me to bail him out and I continue to be strong enough to say NO, how do I deal with this guilt I have for not bailing him out? These are his choices he has made getting him in this situation yet as a mom, I can't stop worrying about him non stop. I am angry, I am frustrated, I am every emotion imaginable, and can't shut the guilt I have off

This site is very helpful. I have a 19 yr old. Im lone Parent. He is just finished high school but is suffering severe anxiety. He wont work. I dont think he can. However, he is costing me more money than I can afford. I give him very little pocket money in return for very badly done housework. But I pay for his phone so I can contact him, the Gym to help his depression and clothes (just enuf), so he doesnt go without. He is ungrateful and will only wear designer stuff. Thats why I limit the amount he gets. He currently has to wear black socks so it doesnt look like hes wearing sandals to cover the holes. He has a perfectly good pair of addidas for 2 years, which were costly but he wont wear them. Thats why Im holding out on new shoes for him.

I have a 56 year old homeless son, I am 77 and my husband is 78. I might also add that my son's only biological son was taken away from him and his then wife at birth, They had 3 years to get him back and never did anything they were suppose to do, He was placed in our home at 2 weeks and when he was put into adoption , we loved him so much and both of us were in good health, We adopted him, He knows we are his biological grandparents, He refers to us as mom and dad, He know most of the story about why we have him, His biological mother has never even attempted to see him and my son sees him , but they do not have a relationship. My son will not do anything for himself, For years he has gone from friends house to relative to us sleeping on the couch, porch where ever he can, Recently he has been staying here, He spent the summer sleeping and eating here, We were unable to leave our home to go on a little trip. We fed him all summer and kept telling him he had to find a place to go because we could not afford it anymore and at our ages and still mom and dad to a teenager we could not take the stress that it is causing us all. He never did anything, I gave him numbers to call, my husband took him places and still he does nothing for himself, School is starting Monday and my young son and that is what he is does not need the added anxiety of him here nor do i or my husband, He waits for people to do for him, He stays up all night watching porn on his phone and sleeps all day on the porch, with people walking by looking at him, I love him of course but i am stretched thin as it is, We do not know what to do short of calling the police , and we really do not want that, Come Monday a,m, i get up at 5 am to get myself ready to take my young son to school at 6;30. I am healthy but i still need time to be moving around, I cannot stand the thought of him being on my couch or porch and me leaving and coming back and he is sleeping,My young son will not ask friends here with him sleeping on the porch snoring, Please advise us, We are lost as we we can do no more , for someone that will not help himself,

My. Son. Is. 28.years. Old. Still. Lying. About. Trying. To. A. Shelter. Being. Stay here. For. Three. Months

My husband and I have 5 kids between us. The older three are fine, moving along in life. The younger two, who are both in college, are nightmares. The daughter is a very good student, but has absolutely no ambition or consideration for others. She frequently lies to us, tells us that she has no idea what she wants to do for a career, etc. My husband has recently informed her that her support ends next year, when she graduates college, and that she will need to get a job of some sort. Because of her escalating lies and disrespect, he is now planning to revise his will, eliminating any provision for her future security. The son is only in his second year of college, flunking out, and now trying to just get his grades to a 2.0 to stay in. He has until the end of this year to make that happen, or he's out, at the direction of the University. We have stopped most of his support, and are paying for most of his expenses through his educational savings account, because there's no point investing our money if he isn't holding up his end of the deal. No big deal, I had siblings who had very high IQ's that flunked out of college, partying, and later had to find ways to pay for college on their own. But, what concerns me is that he seems to think he can treat us and our home with such extreme disrespect and callus disregard. The short term plan is, this fall, when he leaves to return to what I am certain will be his last semester in college; we will throw away the rest of his belongings left here, change the locks, and let him know that he needs to find another friend or family member to stay with anytime he comes to town to visit. If that fails to relieve us of our problem, we plan to move and leave no forwarding address. I am also revising my own will, because I feel that if I leave no money to him, it's less for him to squander. I know if he was ever in a real bind that was not of his own making, his siblings would help him out, if I were dead, anyway. My husband and I are both very successful in our own careers, though that came at the same price most people pay to achieve that--- Long hours, living in poverty for many years, decades of struggle, learning to deal with the small minded people we both had to work with during the earlier years of our careers. It's a shame that these kids are too ignorant and short sighted to see what they are costing themselves now, and in their futures, with their outrageous conduct. In light of our decisions, my husband and I are looking forward to a happy retirement that doesn't include uncomfortable encounters with these two younger kids. We have already learned the value of blocking their calls/texts, and being unavailable to them when they want to abuse us or harass us. Those kids know how to reach the rest of the siblings. If there were ever a TRUE emergency, we'd hear about it, and could decide then if we wanted or needed to get involved. We gave birth to these kids, but we don't owe it to them to put up with their harassment and abuse for the rest of all our lives. If they are sleeping in their cars, the street, or whatever happens to them at some point, maybe that will motivate them to get off their duffs and do something with their lives. My husband and I did well because we didn't have any choice. These kids need to know what having no choice feels like, and what it can lead to if they apply themselves. In my opinion, that's the kindest thing we can do for them.

Sorry! I tried commenting earlier and accidentally sent it prematurely. I am the one with the brother two years older. As I was saying he doesn’t really have much of a familial bond with my parents (or I guess with me either). My dad is nearly 70 years old running a physical labor intensive business and is obviously more than ready to retire. The reason they can’t is because of my brother, who “works for” and lives with them. They are hoping he will step up and take over the business, but it doesn’t seem likely he has the capability. He refuses to go out and find his own job. My parents have asked me to look for education and work opportunities for him, which I have to try to give them a break, but I kind of feel like if he’s not even willing to look for himself, he’s not going to put any kind of effort into it. My parents, especially my mom, spends about 80% of the time complaining that he isn’t going to cut it and 20% telling me that I’m too cynical about my brother and he’s not as bad as I think. I feel like she is deluding herself at this point, taking the bare minimum that he reluctantly does as a sign that he might be stepping up. It is one of my biggest concerns in life that when it becomes clear that they will no longer be able or willing to take care of him, he’s going to latch onto me. My parents have often told me that because he’s family it doesn’t matter who’s older or younger, the capable one has to help the other out if needs be. I’m sure this is going to sound horrible, but it feels like they’re planning to pass a curse onto me and expect me to deal with it in their place. If I wanted to take care of a kid I would have had my own. I’m not really sure what I can do to wake them up and make them do something about him and every time he comes up in conversation it becomes an argument. I wish I could show them this article but English isn’t their first language. What a pain.

My brother is two years older than me and has never had much of a relationship

our 18 yr old daughter moved out b/c she wants freedom. She spends her school loan towards her boyfriend and eats in restaurants almost everydat. We found out that she crashed her friend's car (she only has a Learner's DL). One day, we received an ICBC mail, thinking that it was our DL renewal, we inadvertently opened it and found out that she crashed her friend's father's car and she was at 100% at fault. She only has a Learner's DL. She has't told any of her mess ups (only the good things) when we see her occasionally. Do we talk to her about it or we'll just hand her the letter and not speak about it and let her deal with her own problem/solution?

Our daughter will turn 22 in a couple of months. After graduating she attended community college and worked for a year. She hasn’t worked or attended school for 3 years now. She’s hanging with her friends all night, sleeps all day, and is using illegal drugs. We gave her a deadline to get herself on track or we were putting her out. Which we did in August of last year. She was out the house for 2 months, moved in with a friend, then had no where to go so we let her back home. Well we are having the same issues. She’s still up to her old ways.

I have spent many nights over the past few years up worrying, crying, talking to her trying to get through to her. I told her during a heated discussion that I did not care what did anymore, if that’s the way she wants to live her life that’s on her. She took that as me saying I don’t care about her and as a parent we should have never put her out. Where did we go wrong?

Our 25 year old son lives at home with my husband any myself, He graduated college 3 years ago and has not had a full time job ever. His got a job when he first graduated and lost it in three weeks, we think because of an aloof attitude. He then got a part time job which seemed he seemed happy at and let him live his free spirit lifestyle. We still pay his phone, insurance and living expenses here. He had a girlfriend for 4 years whom he just broke off with. She decided she was gay, and this sent him into a tailspin. He also suffers from anxiety and depression. He worked with my husband for a little less than a year, and was paying us 100.00 a week which was for the car we helped purchase and living expenses. Now he's layed off and of course the monthly payment of 100.00 is gone. To top all of this off he has a beer habit that is verging on alcohol abuse.... in our opinion. He says he applying to jobs and has had a few interviews, but no offers yet. We're at the end of our rope. We thought of making him leave but imagining him on the street is unbearable. He is not a belligerent person, and is usually pretty thoughtful and helps when asked around the house. But his irresponsibility is killing us. Tonight, he drove to a friends party, and just texted if he was uncomfortable driving home, would we pick him up? I know its enabling to say sure, but on the other hand, I don't want him to drink and drive. He usually doesn't, his drinking is at home..... What are we doing ..... wrong.... help...

I have a 21 year granddaughter. Her mother has been emotionally abusive to her her whole life. i have basically raised her and been her only stability. Her mother, an alcoholic, kicked her out of her house. My new husband and i (we are both in our 70's) took her in for 2 months until she and a friend could get an apartment. My granddaughter is in Jr College, paying for it herself and has a part time job. I am now helping her with the rent on her apartment. I have no pooroblem with that. Sunday, she called me and said she needed to spend a couple days with us. She needed to regroup from a bad boyfriend breakup and a roommate who is 27 who has all of her girlfriends party on Sat and Sun every weekend until 3:00 AM while she tries to sleep. My issue is she informed me she planned on staying 5 days instead of the original 2 and then told me she was going to be here a lot to do her homework and possibly spend weekends. I tried to set boundaries and told her to leave after two nights. I told her she could only spend the night if advance notice and a real emergency, not because she didn't want to deal with "grown up" issues. She told me she liked hanging out with me! I am 71, I love my granddaughter, but i don't want to be her BFF. (she has no friends and the boyfriend was only interested in one thing!) She was devastated and I feel guilty because she looked so hurt and was crying when i told her to home and stay with her Mom and try to repair that relationship. She was finally opening up to me and talking. Now she won't answer the phone or text messages. This just happened Tuesday. How do I deal with this and let her know my boundary talk didn't come out the right way and let her know she is loved and welcome here as a safety net?

My adult son threatens to sleep on the streets every time he is evicted for not paying rent. The streets i work with homeless people so if I don't help him financially he will ruin my job or embarrassed me because I work with homeless. If he lives with me me he abuses me. What should I do apart from kill myself? Soon due to son is may have no job or not home myself. He also smashed up my home

my son is 21 turning 22 soon livez at home never moved single no gf still a virgin and we argue he and says parents have to look after there children till they die and does nothing at home at all and says i stuffed his life up from when he was younger by straying away from home a few times

My 41 year old daughter is with a dead beat. He has brainwashed her and they are living in a little apartment beside us. They have been here for 10 months, this time. My husband and I are both disabled. They give us $200 a month on the light bill, period. We have spent thousands of dollars in the past helping. This has been going on for 7 years.. Last weekend I lost it and told him he needed to get his s. and go. They have a little girl who will be 6 soon. He said I will never see her if he leaves. I said if that's the way it has to be. He immediately started cursing me and my husband and even went so far as to threaten to whip my husband and that it would be worth going to jail. On top of this my daughter was married to another man when she got pregnant and she has a son who has aspbergers and she walked away from him for this deadbeat. What can I do to help her open her eyes besides praying?

My son started smoking weed at age of 16. We worked with school, counselling(he didn't cooperate). It affected his education, he only completed high school. When I refused giving him cash (he was buying weed) he stared selling drugs. I found in my house and give him a warning, saying I will call police. And I did. I went to the court and ask judge for assistance. My son was on probation 1 year. (curfew, school reports, drug counselling). Unfortunately after probation ended and later he turned 18 he went back to his old ways. At 19 I had no choice but put him out. He became violent and we were afraid of him. But I always keep in touch with him through texts or meeting for lunch. I was always for him when he started new jobs to provide him with new clothes and lunch money. Jobs never lasted long. For the last year things went really bad, weed, Xanax, alcohol. Right now he is in jail for possession of guns. I refused to bail him out. I write letters, send him money orders. I'm planning to visit him this week. My question is what else can I do to show him I love him, I will be for him if he wants to change for better.

Our almost 19 yo daughter moved out b/c she does not want to live with the house rules and has a new boyfriend. She rents a room w/ her best friend whose father only charges her a couple hundred dollars a month. She was approved for a govt student loan & is now spending out-of-control for her boyfriend's gas, allowance, and food. She now wants to introduce him to us. When she was young, we taught her how to budget/save. Now, she's in the process of creating a mountain of debt. What shall we do? Shall we keep quiet and wait for her to fail? What if she comes back to us beggigng to take her in? What if she asks us for help with her debt? When she comes home, we will charge her rent and if she wants help, we will have to ask her to give her pay cheque to us to control her spending and give her allowance instead until she fully pays her debt. Please advise.

Your son needs to be shaken. Who is his idol? You need an adult male that has been there to speak with him. We get an idea in our head of what our dream is and how it’s going to happen. When it doesn’t work, it breaks people. They don’t realize that the people who make it are people who don’t give up. He could transfer to state after he completes community college. We have to fight for the life we want, it’s never handed to us. Speak to him from a place of love, not anger. He’s still your son.

my grandson is twenty one, my son is 62 and I just turned 80. I feel fine don't need assistance or anything. all their lives I have tried hard to help them in any way, but they talk bad about me behind my back and make me feel like I am a terrible person. all I do is try to help, but still that is not enough. It keeps me upset most of the time. We all live together to help with expenses all thru school I was the one to take and pick him up from school, buy him whatever he needed, take him to sports, now he has a minimum wage job, but it seems like I did nothing. his mother died when he was 15 yrs old and at that time his parents were separated, his father had custody since he was around 8 yrs old. on a fixed income it will be hard for me to venture out on my own, but I can't continue to go thru this much longer, my days on this earth are getting slim. nothing I can do is right to them.

My son is 18 and will "hopefully" graduate high school in two weeks. He has always been a very good student, a leader at school, and excelled at his sport earning several accolades. He has worked hard since he was 7 years old to earn a college scholarship for football. Trained 6 days a week (by choice) year round so he would be the best. He had an awesome senior season and got all the accolades one would expect. Unfortunately he is about 2 inches short of what an average collegiate athlete in his position should be. He had hoped that his skill would force coaches to oversee that, but it didn't. He got several scholarships, but none to the big schools that he had dreamed of. He then decided to go to the local community college that has an excellent football program that is highly recruited. He said he was going to show the big schools he could play at the next level regardless of the two inches he was missing (this was in January). I then began to notice significant changes in his demeanor and attitude. His grades started to fall, he was sneaking out, he was smoking marijuana...all things totally out of his character. It has only gone downhill. He has become very resentful and defiant, staying out all night, coming and going when he pleases, and skipping school. It has gotten so bad that he may not graduate, which is hard for me to fathom as he has maintained above a 3.0 all through high school until January. This morning I went into his room to speak to him, and I noticed his cell phone on his dresser was unlocked. I have never gone through his phone, but my gut told me to pick it up. I found out that he is selling drugs, has broken into cars, and the list goes on. I work him up screaming, and promptly told him that he needed to leave our house. He has been lying and putting me through hell, and I don't know what to do or how this even happened. This kid was a top college bound athlete 6 months ago and now he may or may not graduate high school and has completely done a 180. I told him that when he is ready to get his life together, that he could come home, but I could not support him while he lives his current lifestyle. I am completely devastated, hurt, shocked, and just overall sickened by the situation. Everyone says "let him bump his head", and that is so hard for me to accept. He told me today that he worked hard all his life for something and it didn't work out, but kids who didn't put in half the work he did are now living his dream. I told him that success comes from failure, and that when you fail you get back up stronger. He has totally given up and I don't even know him anymore. Any advice is appreciated.

our 18 yr old daughter moved out because she felt restricted. She complains that our curfew does not work with her activities, she complains helping with the chores because of lack of sleep, and she frequently lies. She ran away twice already last year because she was involved in a boy-crazy-toxic-relationship, did not get any awards or scholarships. She came back to us because the parent of her friend where she stayed for more than a month realized that she was minor at that time and thought that she would only stay for a week. When she came back, she wanted to work and study full time in the university, then she failed all her courses. Last semester, we arranged that we will help pay her tuition and she works 2 days a week during school and full time during breaks to save. Now, she met another guy. She had been sneaking again. She comes and leaves home late, so we ended up locking the door and did not open it twice, and we ended up asking for a rent and she pays 100% of her tuition. She moved out and is living in her best friend's place, they're only charing her $200. She is the one who spends for her new boyfriend and instead of paying towards her tuition, they go out and she pays for both. When she left, we apologized that we were running a tight ship and that we should have shown that we love her unconditionally. Is this going to boomerang on us?

My 29 yr old daughter attempted suicide while her 3 yr old son and 13 ye old daughter was in the apartment. Her hisband had left after they had an extremly out of control argument. I was informed by my son in law and my nephew (my daughter called her cousin to come to the apartment) that she was in the hospital and had attempted suicide. I was extremly concerned about my grandchildren and arranged for my grandsons father to come get him and for my granddaughter to stay with my sister. I did not tell my gtandson's father what happened, just stated she was sick. We learned today that he filed fir ex parte custody. My daughter blames me for losing custody because i should never have called him and my current son in law wants me to pay for an attorney for her. I am at a loss right now.. i never in a million years imagined that my grandsons father would have filed, as i never told him anything and I don't understand why this is my fault. Yet, i feel guilty.

My stepson is 25y/o, doesn't work, is living in his car that is being paid by my husband to avoid repossession and using drugs. He says he only uses weed and Xanax. He got fired in December and hasn't found work since. I'm afraid he really isn't looking. My husband gives him money here and there as well. Now my husband wants to rent Apt for him on short term lease with condition of him getting a job to help pay living expenses and eventually take over rent and quit using drugs. He has agreed to this. My fear is that this agreement won't last long. He has been fired from multiple jobs because of his lifestyle with using and partying. I'm afraid we'll be on the hook for the entire term of the lease including supporting him. My husband is enabling him and I don't know how to make him understand that. He says it's his responsibility as a father to help his son get on his feet. Problem is he's done this before. We've helped him move 500 miles away, set him up in an apt for a job and he was fired from there as well and ended up coming back to live with us. He continued using and not working the entire time. We finally had to ask him to leave. What can I do now to convince my husband I think he's making another mistake?

Please help my 18 year old daughter is completely out of control , she refuses to finish her senior year which she only has a few weeks left she has moved out of my home and moved in with her grandmother since she could not follow the rules with sneaking out all hours of the night doing drugs etc . My mother ( where my daughter has been living) just called me and said she is done . My daughter took my mother’s car in the middle of the night also stole my mother wallet and took several hundred dollars from my mom and also several thousand dollars on my mother credit card and my mother is now kicked her out . Please help me I am so scared for my daughter. Now she’s is 18 I have no say so ! What do I do ?

Hey I am reading this article for two reasons you see when I was younger, I was placed on psychotropic medication it messed with my drive in life also robbed me of motivation but I was placed on social security since age 13. My question is I never claimed my settlement from about 3 lawsuits and my problems exist to this day, Now I am an adult living on disability trying to make it in this world but my gf has kids two angels good kids they are but the one kind of reminds me of myself very bright but lacks social skills and probably is depressed she is an amazing artist long story short I know before I can accept a settlement in good conscious i have to value money... Get a Job and earn my own way for a moment but I do not think I can make enough money to help my gf's one child out by the time she needs it my gf has already taken out one loan and I feel a little guilty about being spoiled and competing for there mothers affection the first time i met them. What do I do?

Hi, my 22 year old daughter left home in the middle of the night to be with a boy she met on the internet. That was 4 days ago. She left with only the clothes on her back and NOTHING else! Today she texted me that she wants to come by and get her 'stuff'. Clothes, driver's license, etc. I was shocked and stunned the first few days and now I'm in the anger stage. I told her no, but check back in a week and I might be over the anger. Seriously, when she moved out, she calmly told me that she wanted to make her own mistakes. SO I told her that her first mistake was not leaving home without thinking and leaving all her stuff at home. I'm the kind of mom that will usually start feeling guilty after a few days and forgive, but I really want her to learn this time... how do I keep my ground and tell her now without worrying about my girl practically homeless out there.

Hi ! My step kid who's turning 21 yrs old has been living with us for free 2 yrs straight he works in construction and he only give us $40 a week that because his dad force that on him, all he does is throw the garbage doesn't help us around the house chores. he doesnt come home until late at night so he doesnt have to wash dishes. my house is a mess right now because i refuse to be somebody slave. he had a year free of no rent and he had to go to college he didn't im fed up i just cant with him he doesnt pay any bills but his car insurance and phone bill.

please help me

My son is 28 and he moved away for college when he was 18, to a city about 3h away from ours. He graduated about 5 years ago, and he never moved back with us, despite us asking him to (he stayed on this city where he already had a job, even though I was against him getting a job, he was there for STUDY and nothing else), he started dating a girl back then and he began to lessen his visits to us.

Now he's married and very seldom comes back (about once every 3 months), me and my husband are becoming very distant from him and I don't like this. We always hoped he would move closer to our city, it's the best for him (we live 20min away from a very big city with many more career opportunities), and we're having a hard time concincing him to move closer, he does not seem to want to, despite us showing him the opened job positions with better payment and better companies. How can I make him move closer to us?

My 25 years old son, drug addict refused to get help, refuse to work , move in my house with his girlfriend should I kick him out, and

What do you do when you have a 33 year old son blames everything in his life on me. it my fault he's homeless. it's my fault that he gets thrown in jail. it my fault he don't see his kids it just goes on and on and on.

im a father of two boys one is 18 the other is 15, divorced 2006 haven’t had a relationship with boys, mother spoke negative about me throughout those years, now kids don’t respect me, return my calls etc... what do i do now?

In 2013 my husband left suddenly after 27 years of marriage.

He lived for one year with a woman (still partners today) in a rented apartment, then filed for divorce. The divorce was costly and two years long, but in the end, I am happy with the way it ended.

When my then husband left, one of our children was half way through Medical school, for which we paid.

I stopped contributing for the expense when the ex left.

The other child was in 8th grade.

The older child stopped talking to me because I stopped paying for the Med School.Today is completing residency in a different state.

One year after my ex left, I met someone with whom I am still having a relationship today and he moved in with me recently.

My younger child refused to meet him, cried when he came over to meet her AFTER the divorce was finalized, mid 2017.

After he moved in with me , my younger child (now about to graduate high school) refused to come back to my house and see me- instead living with my ex.

The younger child never met the other women since is totally against meeting the new partners.

Is there anything I should do to get back the relationship with my kids? I know they are spoiled brats....

Hi, I need some good advice. My daughter is going to be 29 next month. When she was 18 she moved in with a boy who sold pot for money, I stayed out of it, it was her life. I bought her everything, dishes, towels, furniture, cookware, vacuum, everything to get her started. She cheated on him, they split, she moved home, still stalking him, going to his house breaking in and breaking things, yet left all my stuff I bought there. He called me multiple times asking me to get her to leave him alone. This is the first time I said to myself, yes she has some mental health issues. Needless to say at 20 I kicked her out of my house, there were many drunken night, her verbally abusive and trying to be physically abusive with me, but I stopped it the night she pulled a knife on my husband because he told her to stop talking to her mother the way she was. So, where she went I do not know, I know she was living in a hotel with some people. Then I get a call, she is jail, arrested for prostitution. Went through the whole court thing with her, me and her step father paid the 800 some dollar fine and she was out. She moved into her step fathers house, started sleeping with the man next door, who by the way was in a relationship with someone else. Got pregnant by him. He is a loser. He went to jail, I supported her through pregnancy, was there when my grandson was born and love him to no end. My daughter did fine until her baby daddy got out of jail, then she lost her job, was drinking all the time, was calling me to buy food etc. I flat out told her as long as he is there, I can not help her because that is his job. So it went to lying, saying he wasnt there, but I knew he was because my daughter is a pig and her house was clean. When he was in jail I had to go clean her house so my grandson didnt have to live with the rotten bottles of formula and junk and food laying around. When my grandson was 3 months old my daughter lost custody, I was taking care of him in my house because they had left him home alone. She was to have no contact with this man, and my daughter ended up pregnant yet again. She had now had custody of her fist son back because like an idiot I lied about knowing if her bf was there or not. Again he was in jail and I was there for the birth of my second grandson. Again he got out, my daughter lost her place to live, I let her and grandsons live with me, but ended up telling her she had to leave, my grandsons could stay but she had to go. She was such a pig, I would come home from work and have to clean up the dishes and everything she left and pick up all the kids stuff every night, every night, I couldnt take it. Again she moved to her step dads with the two boys. All of them living in two bedrooms. She was there for five years, my ex had only his bedroom to sit in. The place was so trashed you would walk on food and garbage when you walked in. She didnt care, you can say stuff all you like. Her time was spent sitting on her phone, stalking her baby daddy and just being mean. Her time should have been spent with the kids. During this time she again went to jail for four months and I took care of the two boys. Their father moved back to Milwaukee he told me to get away from my daughter. I have tried to tell many people that I feel my daughter has some kind of mental illness no one would do anything about it. Her babys father got murdered in Milwaukee trying to purchase a gun, I was not saddened, I know it sounds bad, but this man lived, leeched off my daughter, never bout one single thing for his kids all their life, not one diaper, on tiny little anything. I thought maybe my daughter would now get help from social security to raise these boys. I was wrong, the man never worked a day in his life. He does have three other children also he never paid a dime for. So now here we are today, in Feb. my daughter moved out and finally got her own place, three days later there is a man from Kenosha living with her, my grandsons tell me all kinds of stuff. Anyway, her and this man showed up at her step fathers house, stole from him and then the man beat him so bad I am surprised he is still alive. Upon learning this I called the police to check on the welfare of my grandchildren. Of course this man was picked up and arrested. He is now in prison until 2026. It turns out he was just released from prison three months before this for doing the exact same thing. So my daughter must have been writing prisoners, probably planning this out who knows. Anyway its my fault he is in prison because I told police that another police department would have his name because I called in a welfare check. Doesn't matter, since she has been 18 everything in her life is my fault, I never do anything for her, no one helps her. Truth, I have had them children living with me multiple times because shes been in jail or unable to have them, I have bought those kids just about every piece of clothing they have, toys, I do things with them all the time, they spend just about every weekend with me. I can't do any more. I cut her off, she was asking me for money constantly, I went through my savings and everything buying mattresses and beds and furniture. Everything with her is a big secret, if you ask her a question she goes nuts. She cant hold a job, the boys tell me she is mean to them and does not spend time with them, she just wants to sit in the house all the time and they want to go out and play. They have told me many times they want to come and live with me, they are now 7 and 6. I tell them they can not come and live with me unless mommy says its okay. She told them her new boyfriend is in jail because they make to much noise in the apartment they live. I told them that is not true and do not ever believe that. She uses them against me, after he was arrested I was not allowed to see them for three months, when I finally did my youngest grandson told me his mommy told him I was in jail and that they did not have a grandma anymore. She is abusive mentally, verbally and I do believe at times physically. they have told me she hits them with belts and phone chargers. I have called social services three times, they have done nothing, not even visit. I was told by a person in the office that unless some kind of sexual abuse is going on in the home they are not quick to respond. So today, she tells me the SUV i bought her five years ago is going to die and shes buying a new car, I asked where she was getting a new car from and she got angry and started telling me off. Whatever, I do not care anymore at this point. My only care is my grandchildren. Kids tell me mommy tells them they cant talk to me about stuff, She hides everything, everything is a secret with her. This tells me she is doing all kinds of things she shouldnt be doing. She tells my grandkids to call that man in prison their father, she takes them to prisons to visit him, why they do not even know him. He was there for a whole three weeks before he was arrested. The whole defense was I was helping to railroad him because I hate my daughter so much that I do not want her to be happy. All I want is for her to be happy, live a normal life, get the help she needs. I have two other children who are doing fine. I have been going to therapy because of all this and my therapist has finally gotten me to believe that I cant be doing everything wrong or have done everything wrong because my other two children are productive and happy. I wish I could force her to get mental therapy, but I can't and no one seems to want to help me get her some. As the boys get older they are going to test her more and I worry about that. I worry about the people she brings around those kids. They have seen her beaten up by their father, by her supposed friends, they have sat in jail waiting for me with her. When they were 3 and 2 she got busted for drunk driving with them in the car, I had to go get them. She was so drunk she was starting fights with people at a gas station. Any man she picks is always one without a job, a home, a vehicle nothing. More no space

My 27 yr old, married son, has been out of work for a year. He's only ever had a part time job and wants to be a writer. He is very good at writing but making money at that is very difficult. I'm afraid he just doesn't want to work, he's very comfortable with his wife supporting him and us supporting them too. This has really come between my husband and I an now our relationship is suffering because I'm enabling our sons behavior. I know I am but it's hard not to want to fix all of this for him.

In the past he's had some real anxiety over working, has had to take meds, etc. but I believe now he's used that as a crutch to not work and to manipulate me.

How to I let him go and make his own way?

Hi. My 27yr old daughter is just about at rock bottom and about to lose her house. She had a bf who turned her to drugs and the wrong crowd and she lost her job and then he went to jail and left here there. I offered to help her give the house back to the bank and move home and get back on her feet, but i refuse to give her money. I'm waiting for her to ask for help, she says she'll ask when she needs it, am i doing the right thing waiting for her to crash?

What do I do when my adult son age 26 is mentally abusive and turns my younger kids against me he thinks everyone owes him something and now he says I using drug and lying and even kicked me out the house I went with my motherinlaw. I pay his cell phone car insurance and give him my room and and buy his kid food and do everything for him

What do you do when your adult child will not reach out to you but you know another adult mom is enabling him, and has even said she will make the decision as to whether or not my son is in crisis enough for me to be notified.

I forgot to add a tid bit where your advice would be helpful. Both of my folks are retired now, and have everything paid off and have small pensions. I have done well for myself and wanted to gift them some stock I own that pays pretty good yearly dividends.

However, part of me doesn't want to give it to my dad because he enables my sisters bad behavior by bailing her out all the time. My step-mom has told me she's contemplating leaving if things don't change, so I figure this would be a waste.

Part of me just wants to hold onto this stock for my folks and give it to them at a later time because I don't want to be a part of the contributing factor for my bum of a sister.

Thoughts?

Thanks for giving me some more perspective on my sister and my parents. The manipulative part of them feeling needed makes alot of sense. I spend a majority of my time overseas, and haven't had time to even visit in the last five years. She's the only daughter who always needs them as all us other kids are on our own, out of the state or out of the country.

It sounds like a lot of co-dependancy in a way. However, I know that my own grandmother always bailed out my dad when he got into trouble, so the cycle continues. I've told my dad this, but he tends to ignore me.

You're right about nothing changing; I don't forsee her leaving the house any time soon. I am happy she has a job, but she's more like a 16 year old teenager blowing money on a good time then trying to save up and get out of the house. Of course there is no pressure from the folks to get her out, no encouragement for savings, no budget planning, no nothing. So this crap cycle will continue.

I do thank you on your input, as you had some additional points that were true eye openers on the situation. I guess I just ignore the drama, and take it as the norm that they will never truly escape till they act like real parents and put the foot down.

I'm so happy I never got the same treatment.

Love this article. I am having a hard time justifying and validating if I am making the right decision to not have my adult son come live with me. His dad and I got divorced almost 2 years ago and he chose to go live with his dad. At this time neither of them are employed and on the verge of eviction. I am having a hard time justifying and validating if I am making the right decision to not have my adult son live with me. His dad and I got divorced almost 2 years ago and he chose to go live with his dad. At this time neither of them are employed and will be in the eviction process within 30 days. My son is a very respectful person however does not like to be told what to do but doesn’t do anything unless pushed. He also smokes pot. I live in my home with my 11-year-old daughter his sister. I don’t want him to live with me but like I said I’m torn if feeling that way is OK. I feel like it should be ok for me to just be there for advise and direction.

Loved the article as it has alot of valid points. My sister, unfortunately is an adult child, and I really feel bad for my step-om. My dad has enabled my sister in a lot of different ways. I get why he helped her at first as she was comming out of a nasty abusive marriage and lost a baby, so there are elements of depression and alcohol abuse mixed in.

However, this was always the case growing up. I was the first born, so I was treated differently; I'm happy my folks made me do everything and pay for everything myself, as I wouldn't be were I am otherwise. My sister, however, had everything handed to her, from cars to places to live.

She's been living with my folks again for about a year, and my step-mom is at her breaking point as she doesn't like how my father just forks over money to her becken call, always bailing her out of trouble. He just bailed her out of a DUI and getting her car out of impound. The best part here is she's prob going to lose her license, so I'm happy she won't kill herself or others on the road. My folks are trying to get her into an apartment, but is acting like a princess and nothing is good enough at the price point she wants.

I won't help her, because tough love is what I learned and unless its a real emergency then not to get ahold of my folks. My dad is always believing what my sister dishes out, but I know its been trying on their marriage.

Any other advice I can pass along to get them?

My 19 year old daughter has earned a full ride to college, even getting money back. She has social anxiety, extremely bright, and a tad bit delayed in some things. Like she was afraid to drive until senior year in high school, would freeze up when ordering food at a restaurant, etc... She has come a long way. The university university is 30 miles from our home and she commutes(drives) She can do her own shopping and has learned to handle a lot of situations. I'm willing to give her time based on her making her own progress, but I am making school her JOB. As long as she does her job (over 20k a year in scholarships) she can live here, I gave her my old but reliable car and just added her to our insurance. Her scholarship requirements are pretty tough and she carries a full load. I don't want her to get bogged down with work or debt and lose this opportunity. I don't have to pay a dime for her education so the insurance is a drop in the bucket compared. BUT we have an agreement, if she doesn't take school seriously, she has to work for me, either at our business or doing ANYTHING a busy working mom of 2 needs done. If she can't do that, she's on her own. I will loan her 3 months expenses so she can get an apartment and begin looking for a job. This seems reasonable? I am always trying to balance giving too much or too little and expecting what is reasonable depending on circumstances.

Hi there, I have a 18 year old who is currently working full time. He lives with my husband and my 15 yearl old and me. I do everything for him laundry,cooking, I wake up early and make and pack his food so he can take it to work. The thing is that he has not help at all at home. He has to pay his student loan and money he borrowed from us but I have to basically be behind him telling him how to do it. When stuff is not available and he can’t find something he starts swearing and demanding why there is no food done etc. I just do not know what to do.He has no responsibilities and expect everything done for him. At the most ment he is not helping at all with money as he owes us like 8000 and is paying in stallments. Any advice

Thank you

Also, we spoke with our son yesterday about telling the girlfriends dad that he needs to put the car in HIS name only and have my sons name taken off. The loan officer agreed he would do that IF the girlfriends dad agreed. Apparently the girlfriends dad told my son that he would be building credit up. We explained to our son that he did not need to build his credit up by committing to purchase a 1016 car for his girlfriends parents and paying 6 years on the loan. The title is in the dad's name, but my son is making the payments. My son had no credit( but had the finances) and the dad doesn't have the money, but had the credit...and the dad needed the car. My son said he will not ask the dad to put the car in his name. We told him that he owes way too much debt to buy this car. We explained that if he decides to start a family, he is stuck with this and you wont even own this car. We also tried to tell him, "what if things don't work out with this girl? We told him he is again stuck with this bill for the car. There is so much wrong with all this. He just reassures us, at 21 now, that his relationships solid and nothing is going to go wrong. HELP

My sons all moved in together at the same time in July. In August, my youngest, 20 at the time, started dating a girl right before Christmas. He had been "getting to know" her several months before then, but she would never call their get together's dating even though he was taking her out to lunches, dinners, taking her parents out for lunches with her, many days spent hanging out at her parent's house, he took vacation time off to spend with the girl's dad( 58 years old) while the mom and my son's NOT "girlfriend at the time took a long weekend trip out of state. My son's "Not" girlfriend at the time said he had separation anxiety and they could not leave him alone for that long. Needless to say, our whole family saw many red flags from the beginning. Although he reassured us that all was fine and the communication seemed fine at first with all of us about the relationship, the more we saw him not paying his bills and using the money for her and her parents, we warned him of the way they were using him and taking advantage of him. He started to completely shut down and not talk with us about things going on in his life and ignoring me (mom)the most because i would try to help him understand that I know they all like him, but they are not treating him right. He needs to stop buying this girl and her parents lots of stuff and pay his bills. He needs to be responsible. When the end of November rolled around, she decided to be his girlfriend. Shortly into December, my son decided he wanted to move in with her and her parents to "help them out". I know he has a big heart and he cares a great deal for these people and not that foolish to think that he just wants to help them out. He obviously thought it would be great to live with his now girlfriend especially with HER parents approval and all in the same house. Her parents are on Government Health Insurance and refuse to work more hours so they can stay on the State Government Health Insurance. My son pays THEM rent and hasn't paid his brothers since November for rent, has not paid for his horse board for 4 months, has not paid the cell phone bill to us(mom and dad for 4 months(my husband refuses to turn his cell phone off). So with all that being said, the families van broke and even though my son has a truck and a camaro( both old and need work), he went a purchased a 20,000 car for them!!!!! I am at a loss at what to do. I know these people manipulated him to do it. I know he is 21 and is reponsible for his own choices but these people are really abusing his kindness. He makes 14.00 an hour. He owes over 10,000 in debt. The dad told my son he would cosign for the car, but my son didn't need a car! THEY did. I feel like I should get a lawyer involved. PLEASE HELP

My 28 year old son is homeless because he won't work. I have been giving him money for years and don't know how to stop. He has used heroin in the past.