Adult Children—When to Help and When to Let Them Learn

Updated on March 6, 2017
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Knowing When to Help Adult Children

We have a standing joke in our home: because I am working toward a doctoral degree, my sons occasionally start spending money in their heads. The standing joke is that I tell them that they have to make their own way in the world because I am leaving my money to the dolphins. On some level, like all jokes, there is some truth to what I say. I expect them to make their own money, work hard, and find their own way in life. This article is about handling your adult children.

Immediately the words tough love comes to mind. I have counseled tons of parents who have given away their retirement and life savings to bail their children out of every manner of predicament. This article is for those parents who always say they wished they met me first.

There is a distinction between helping your child fix a problem they created and helping an adult child in a life crisis. An adult child who makes a poor decision should learn from that decision. Such as an adult child who buys a coach purse instead of paying bills. Then there are times of family crisis. A family crisis is an auto accident, cancer, layoffs, house fire, and the list goes on. Do not misunderstand, in a time of family crisis families should work together.

What to Do When an Adult Child Calls From Jail

We are starting pretty extreme. You get the call at 1 am that your adult child is in jail. After hearing their sob story about drunken driving, drug possession, or other involvement in illegal activity many parents rush to bail their child out of jail. I have maintained that if one of my children does something illegal they better not call me (they know I will not bail them out). I have completed loans for parents who have stated that they are using the money to get an adult child out of jail. Why?

Your child is an adult, they should be responsible for their actions, when you bail them out of jail and put yourself in financial dire straits, you are teaching that child that you will fix their mistakes. A friend of mine repeatedly hocked his vehicles and spent his own money to keep his son out of jail for possession of illegal substance. Even though he knows he is enabling this child he refuses to stop and let his son feel the consequences of his actions.

There is another very good reason to NOT hock the farm to bail an adult child out of jail; chances are that adult child is going to continue the behavior that put him/her in jail. Sure when you talk to the child on the phone they will swear it will never happen again, and you want to believe them. Every parent wants to believe the best about their child. There is what you believe, and then there is reality. If your child is headed down a dark path you can be a light and an example, but do not save them from their consequences. Saving the child from their own mistakes means that you do not trust them to handle the situation on their own. If that is what you believe then you did not raise your child properly.

What to Do When a Child Asks for Money

Young adults today seem to have an unyielding idea that mom and dad are made of money. If your child has a job and is responsible with their money then chances are they will not come to you for money. There are adult children who constantly spend their money carelessly and then call you to pay for things like rent. You will know these children by the comments preceding the part where they ask for money. This is the child who gets a new tattoo, new phone, buys a fancy part for a vehicle, buys new clothes, purchases frivolous items for their apartment, or worse gets a brand new vehicle they can not afford.

Learning to handle money never killed anyone. If your child’s vehicle gets repossessed because, that child can not pay, it will only hurt their credit. These types of lessons are important. If you rob your children of these lessons they will never learn what is important when it comes to money. They will continue to lean on you for help.

Case in point; My oldest son earned his first vehicle. He learned to fix the old Bronco himself and he took care of it (you could have eaten of the floors in that thing). I was very proud of him in this respect. Finally the Bronco needed work that would be too costly and my son decided to trade the vehicle in for another car. He called me after the dealer informed him that he would need a co-signer. My deal with him was that I would co-sign but, if he couldn’t make the payments on the vehicle, I was going to take it. I am sure that he never imagined that he would not be able to make the payments. Eventually he lost his job and he called me to tell me he could no longer make the payments on the vehicle, so I came and got it. It doesn’t matter that I don’t drive a stick shift or that I did not like the vehicle, I took it on principle. He was not mad because I made it clear from the beginning that I was not going to buy him a car.

As your children grow up they drift away for short spells. This is a natural process of them becoming adults. Too many parents use money as a basis for their relationship out of FEAR that their child will not have anything to do with them. That’s right, your actions are not out of love, and they are driven by fear. This is a trap for everyone involved. If you have been a good and loving parent you need not worry about your adult children never calling. They will call, and you can have great conversations about their kids and life.

What if Parents Have the Money to Help

Every parent wants their children to become a happy adult. We strive to teach our children important lessons that will forward their character. What happens when you have money and your children never have to work for anything? Well, I will tell you what happens; they become useless conceited brats who have no concept of real work. I have never met a spoiled child who was not a brat and I have never met a spoiled adult that had any concept of the real world. Make your children work for something let them help the homeless and do charity work even if you have money.

As adults your children should earn their own money. Most children of wealthy people do not want to take over the family business. Chances are they have their own dreams. Let your children have their own dreams and let them work for those dreams. When you rob your child of life experience, then they never learn to make it on their own. Eventually you will die and I am going to be honest about what happens when a wealthy person dies; the kids waste the money on stupid things until its gone then they have no idea how to function.

Case in point: A forty-four year old woman came into my office one day. She was beside herself in tears. Her father had been a famous heart surgeon. He had so much money that even until the day he died he was sending her checks. When he died all the money went to his twenty-eight year old trophy wife. That was the end of the money tree. His daughter admitted during her session that her father ruined her. She said “Michelle, he never made me do anything, so I never learned to live”. Even she realized that she would have been better off without the help of her father.

The Importance of the Sacrifice

When a person works hard for something they appreciate it. When a person is given something they do not feel a sense of responsibility for it. This is even true with college. Most of the students who worked hard in part-time jobs and worked for scholarships will appreciate their education whereas students whose parents pay for their school are twice as likely to drop out. Let them work for it.

Some parents function under the idea that they want their children to have better things than they had, well why would you want that when you turned out so well? Children need to have hardships, they need to know the world is not fair, and sometimes life sucks. Why?

Until you know pain you do not appreciate health, until you know poverty you can not appreciate wealth, until you know failure you can not appreciate an accomplishment, and until you work for something you can not take pride in owning it.

Do not rob other people of these experiences. Be there for your children with love and moral support, not to fix their mistakes and/or hand them your checkbook.

Case in point:

Years ago I had a coworker who was inappropriately emotional. She would cry uncontrollably over dogs that died twenty years ago, and tell customer intimate details of her relationships without solicitation. Her whole life, her parents had taken care of her every need including any money problems. The world revolved around her. At the age of 45 she moved back in with her parents. She didn't understand being told "No". I can't tell you what happened to her, I can tell you that I had to let her go from a part-time job.

How You Can Help an Adult Child

When your adult child calls, talk them through the problem. Discuss their resources and options. Reinforce your child's intelligence with affirming statements such as "you are smart I'm sure you will figure this out" and "you are strong enough to handle this". Let your child decide what their best option is based on the resources available. It's tempting to send money. Who doesn't want to help the people around them? You are not here to fix the lives of your children, you are here to teach them to stand on their own and think for themselves.

What if You Always Help Them

When an adult child is dependent, it creates a negative relationship between the child and parent. The child resents the parent rather than respecting the parent. If you had to rely on someone else for everything, you might start to resent them as well. The adult child starts to expect the parent to fix their life, thus creating stress for the parent. Eventually life situations implode from this scenario.

Case in point:

Years ago I knew a family where the daughter was constantly in and out of the parents house. The adult daughter wasn't on drugs but, she refused to take responsibility for herself or her own children. The adult daughter left her kids for days at a time with her parents until she finally stopped coming home. By taking on the daughters responsibilities the parents took over all the responsibilities for the grand kids.

Case in point:

An elderly couple is currently in a court battle with the husbands adult children who want half of everything the man worked during his life. Essentially, these adult children are trying to take their inheritance before their father has passed away. All their lives the father has given them everything, now they believe they are entitled to more. The man is having to fight a costly legal battle to keep his own money.

When You Should Help Your Adult Child

Most adult children will return to your house at least once. Usually this happens after college. By that time the kid no longer wants to be at home, they have tasted freedom. Our deal with our kids is they get a year after high school/college before they have to start paying rent to us for being in our house. In that year they should save money for an apartment and a car. I would never let my children starve. Short of that, all life experience is for their good. . Let your adult child live their own life. Do not try to save them. Let them save themselves. I guarantee when your children are older they will appreciate the values you taught them and be better people if you teach them to handle things themselves.

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    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 minutes ago from Arizona

      @Sharnell

      It's your home. Our rule with our kids was by six months after graduation they had to either pay rent, be in college, or move out. He is an adult, if he just graduated it's time for you to sit him down and let him know he's got six months to find a job. If he is going to stay in your home he doesn't just need to follow the rules, he needs to have chores and contribute. He doesn't get a say in this, it's your home. As for the strange visitors, I would start asking them to leave when it violates your rules. It doesn't have to be a fight, you simply tell them that "we don't have visitors past ten" or whatever your rule is. Again its your house. Your kid isn't going to be happy about it. But that is part of cutting the cord.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 13 minutes ago from Arizona

      @Kathy

      At 40 there isn't a lot of hope this kid is going to change. You obviously don't have room for him. It's time to give him an ultimatum he needs to be out by a certain date (you decide). I'm not sure what caused him to not take responsibility for himself but, you don't have to support him. The chances that he will bring the police to your door are good. Time to get him out.

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      Sharnell Hopkins 15 hours ago

      I have a 19 year old son that had recently graduated he don't won't to work or go to school he doesn't follow my house rules sometimes I wake up to find different people in his room or my door is open I can't take it I want to put him out.......what should I do?

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      Kathy 19 hours ago

      My son now almost 40 started doing drugs at a young age. Stealing Andy ended up in prison for 5 years. Got out started the same stuff again. Now he is in my house and no job nowhere to go and I can't stand much more. Live in 1- hundred square foot home and one bath. He won't attempt to work. Says he can't. I'm just lost on what to do thanks

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 23 hours ago from Arizona

      Hello Jose,

      I responded to your email. If you have any questions please contact me.

      Thank you.

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      Jose A Moran 29 hours ago

      My daughter is 21 and she lives with us still only works about 10hrs a week in retail and most of the time she spends playing online games. she does paying her phone part and 2 small bills we pay her car insurance since she was 18, but it is my frustration that she does not look for more in life a better job, back to school. I have spoke to her more that 3 times with no luck, but i am at a point where I belive I need to push her hard. what do you think

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      Sondrea Gallman 3 days ago

      As difficult as it is to be away from her and my granddaughter, I know that you are correct, and I should leave her alone for now. The bio dad sent me a message stating that he is appalled at what our daughter has told him and that if I did not leave her alone he would request his attorney to have a field day with me on harassment charges (bio dad lives in Florida my daughter and I live in Louisiana). The 3 of us coming together and conversing is highly unlikely. My daughter does tend to run on emotions and is very manipulative. My infant granddaughter and my young son are going to be the main individuals who will suffer.

      Thank you for the insight.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 days ago from Arizona

      @Sondrea

      Yours is such a difficult situation because, you don't know for sure what the truth is at this point. Children at 13 are prone to lying or telling half truths. Obviously you could only go on what she said at the time. If she lied, that is on her. Putting her bio-father and you through hell for no reason is not excusable. As for her current behavior, I suspect it wont last. She seems to be emotionally motivated. Right now I would leave her alone. It's obvious she has not matured if she is blaming you for her behavior. Everything you are saying sounds very manipulative. It's too bad you cant meet with her and her bio-father to discuss this. Just because she is speaking to him doesn't mean she lied. Lots of victims eventually have relationships with the person who harmed them. I wish you the best.

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      Sondrea Gallman 3 days ago

      My 20 year old daughter, who recently became a mother herself, became angry with me and decided to cut all ties with me, her step dad and her 11 year old brother. I was ok with her being angry with me because she becomes angry with me and others quite frequently. However this estrangement has escalated into something much larger. When my daughter was 13 years old she went to her step dad (my husband) and told him that her biological father had been sexually molesting her. Long story short, after a 7 year protective order against her bio father, she has now decided to reconcile her relationship with him and her step mother, which I feel is because of argument her and I had. Now here is the part that I can not seem to let go of. In order to rekindle her relationship with her bio dad, she is now claiming that she LIED about the sexual molestation and that I coached her into lying. I feel extremely betrayed by this, because I was the only one during the investigation that did NOT believe this happened to her. I want desperately to have a relationship with my daughter and also now my new granddaughter. I just need guidance on how to accomplish this. Any help from anyone would be most appreciative.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 4 days ago from Arizona

      @ Zileti

      Your daughter is 21, there isn't much you can do. I would let her come get her clothes if she wants them. It might be a good idea to get her on birth control before this situation becomes something you really don't want to deal with. Other than that you have to let her make her own decisions. You could fight her about this, however it will only make her want to stay with this man more.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 4 days ago from Arizona

      If your son is ok with his lifestyle choice, there isn't much you can do right now to change him. He sounds content to live in the girlfriends car. He will change when he is ready. It's not an ideal situation but, he is choosing that life. We use to have a man with the mental capacity of a 12 year old who did minor janitorial work for our company. People who want to work will find work. If your son is determined that he wants to be homeless, then let him be. At some point camping out will get old. The alternative is turning your home into a half way house. He is young, there are a lot of years ahead for him to get it together. I wouldn't pay for the motel rooms either. If he wants help, offer him help to get a job. Maybe get him enrolled in a work program or with a temp service. Have hope people do change and grow.

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      Sondrea Gallman 4 days ago

      My 20 year old daughter, who recently became a mother herself, became angry with me and decided to cut all ties with me, her step dad and her 11 year old brother. I was ok with her being angry with me because she becomes angry with me and others quite frequently. However this estrangement has escalated into something much larger. When my daughter was 13 years old she went to her step dad (my husband) and told him that her biological father had been sexually molesting her. Long story short, after a 7 year protective order against her bio father, she has now decided to reconcile her relationship with him and her step mother, which I feel is because of argument her and I had. Now here is the part that I can not seem to let go of. In order to rekindle her relationship with her bio dad, she is now claiming that she LIED about the sexual molestation and that I coached her into lying. I feel extremely betrayed by this, because I was the only one during the investigation that did NOT believe this happened to her. I want desperately to have a relationship with my daughter and also now my new granddaughter. I just need guidance on how to accomplish this. Any help from anyone would be most appreciative. S

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 4 days ago from Arizona

      Positive resistance in life is what moves us. Without positive resistance we stagnate. Congratulations on your conversation with your son. Seeing him independent will bring you a peace of mind for his future as well as yours.

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      momhelp123 6 days ago

      My son is 21. He tried Army when he was 18, he made it 8 months then was discharged because he could not meet the requirements. When he got home, it was obvious he no longer wanted to be there, but he couldn't find a job. He is not the brightest, and he makes bad choices. He does have a chromosome defect that I believe causes a delay in his mental development in the responsibility area, but we have still tried not to allow that to make excuses for us helping him all the time. He just could not respect our household or follow the simple rules or find a path for becoming autonomous. We gave him a year of repeated chances to try to do something with his life, but he did nothing so we gave him a 2 month deadline at that point. The deadline came and he packed up and went. He has couch surfed with his girlfriend for the past few months and now is living with her in her car. The old truck that I gave him is broke down, neither of them has a job, they have both signed up for food stamps. He asks for money sometimes to get a hotel room. I always tell him, "come home for the weekend", but you are not bringing all your homeless friends with you. He refuses to come home unless I let all of them come. I don't give in. He has no desire to try to look for work, and he has not plans for ever being autonomous outside of being homeless. My other son is the complete opposite even though raised in the same household. He is getting straight As in second year of college and wants to be a physicist and astronaut. What can I do to help my 21 year old? I am at a loss.

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      Zileti 7 days ago

      My 21 yr old daughter who is still trying to finish high school met a man in school a student he is 27 yrs old still trying to finish high school as well,he lives alone or in his foster grandfathers app building. This man slept with my 21 yr old daughter 2 weeks ago it was her first experience and 2 weeks later left our home to go to school and never came back she decided to go live with this guy. She hasn't ever worked because we wanted her to concentrate on finishing high school, so she has no money ,no clothes except what she wore to school last Tuesday. Whow will she be able to live? I am furious and worried?

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      msber 7 days ago

      My daughter and her boyfriend moved out of my home last month after a year. They got into a really bad accident yesterday and totaled their car (a semi hit them). Due to how far they live from work they will probably have to move back in with me and my son. I am looking for suggestions for time-frames, maybe contract ideas so it doesn't end up being permanent again. His mother is terrible and just wants money from a settlement from their accident yesterday. My daughter is very intelligent, not very smart especially with money. I appreciate any insight.

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      The3bears123 7 days ago

      Well I talked with my son, asked him what his plan is for moving forward with becoming independent from us parents. He replied, I’m going to live with my parents forever and laughed. I told him though that sounds like a safe plan it is so important to work toward his independence from his parents, he said so you don’t want me, I said we want you to be an adult, to strive for a life where he is independent and caring for himself, he said what do I mean, so my husband and I said you work full time, and so we are setting some boundaries, first you have till May to find a place to live and in the meantime your going to have to pay rent and participate more in the taking care of his responsibilities around the house. Surprisingly he agreed, said he’s been scared about making it in the real world and so he has been trying to avoid growing up. My son and my husband sat down at the kitchen table and wrote up together a plan financially to meet the goal of moving out. Today, he cleaned his room top to bottom and spoke to us with respect and a calm voice, he also said he contacted a friend to move in together. My daughter after setting some boundaries with her has decided to take a break from talking with us. Though it hurts I know the boundaries we set down we’re the right ones for us.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 9 days ago from Arizona

      @ Carol123

      You think your daughter is drinking and driving? I would limit her car use to her job. As for the drinking, it may be a phase or she could have a serious problem. The main thing is that she doesn't leave the house with the car unless she is going to work. If she wants to go out, she can taxi there too. It might be helpful to take her to a local Mothers Against Drunk Drivers meeting. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. We had a 21 year old girl hit and kill a motorcycle rider in our neighborhood recently. That girl was double the legal limit for intoxication. Her life is over. She will be doing a life sentence for manslaughter. Your daughter needs a wake up call.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 9 days ago from Arizona

      At least your daughter is aware that you are not a champion of her boyfriends growing business. It's just such a strange thing for a kid to think you would be ok with. Although these are the times we live in. At the very least now she probably will leave you out of it. Unless something goes wrong in her relationship you may be dealing with this for a while. Let me know how things go with your son. Best of luck!

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      Carol123 9 days ago

      Hi I have a daughter that’s 22 . She currently moved back from from a relationship that lasted a year and we found out he had to go in a rehab for alcoholism. My daughter came home one evening and when I went out to her car I found the car running with knowone inside also the music was blaring as loud as it could go and her front door was wide open with her purse sitting in the passages seat. She told me she didn’t have a choice but to drive home her ride ditched her and she didn’t know what else to do however I ask her before when she would go out how she would get home and she said uber I found out from my daughter in law that this was not the first time for her but I don’t know personally. I took my daughters keys while she was sleeping and I told her I’m keeping them until we can go talk to a psychologist to see what’s going on with her . I’m the owner of the car and she’s the co buyer she keeps begging for the car back she says she’s going to lose her jobs but I’m so scared for her she’s my world and I’m so scared please help

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      The3bears123 9 days ago

      We don’t smoke marijuana, this is something she has decided to do. We are against the idea, and after talking with her today, and me explaining how it makes us feel, and how it worries us, she expressed sadness we have been so worried about her safety. We hope this is a new beginning, and until we hear otherwise we will have the mindset she gets that part. She did say she loves her boyfriend and doesn’t plan on changing the plans for a long term relationship with him, so I guess this is something we just let her learn on her own, cause really we have no choice. As far as our son, we will take your advise, as we know it’s right and we will just have to be parents again. We are feeling confident we can make a come back and someday have a close family again. Thank you!!!

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 10 days ago from Arizona

      As you know, the two of you created this situation and the two of you will have to fix it. First I'm not sure who put the idea in your daughters head that it was ok to smoke weed but, she apparently thought this was a way to win you over. Think about that for a minute.

      As for your son, he needs a deadline to pay or move out. It's your home. It's not a half way house for underachievers. You are parents not boarding house owners. Make rules, if they don't live by the rules, kick them out. It's not difficult. I'm not sure why you feel guilty, but it's time to take your life back.

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      The3bears123 10 days ago

      I have two adult children, one has recently moved out with a boyfriend in his parents home. We tried to encourage her to stay home, go to college and create a sound plan for the future. However, my daughter had other plans, and those plans worry me. As her boyfriend is part of a family who is close knit, but in the way of earning money on the side of growing marijuana, and I’m learning my daughter is finding this lifestyle to be no big deal, and I am afraid for her safety and ours, if we go to the authorities. My daughter doesn’t heed our boundaries of not to bring the boyfriend to our home, and come over and talk about wanting to get high with myself and my husband, that the boyfriend will hook us up... I have to ask her to change the subject or to leave, then she turns it around that her older brother is still here, that she can be here, unless were favoritizing him over her, then a fight ensues between my daughter and son, and then the boyfriend gets involved and my husband and I are ending up having to yell over their voices to ask them to leave, which they don’t, they just take it outside and continue. My son, my other adult children lives at home, has found ownership over my husband and I since his sister has moved out. He hibernates in his room when not working, playing video games for hours on end. Comes out to ask for dinner, and tell my husband and I his expectations in our home. He’s becoming very intimidating toward following the rules of the house, and refuses and challenges myself and my husband when reminded to participate in the maintenance of his living space or financial responsibilities. My husband and I have been disabled after a car accident several years ago, and have noticed since that period and forward both our children have changed, have become entitled, aggressive and verbally abusive, we may have created the behavior through our own guilt and depression of not being always available and able as we once were, as parents. We are stuck, or it just feels that way, and we want to be unstuck. My husband and I feel like running away from our kids, pack up and sell the home and move away. But the issue is we have overwhelmingly feelings of guilt, that we created this and that we need to fix it.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 10 days ago from Arizona

      Is your daughter ready to assume the responsibility of another human being? I'm going to tell you what what being a young mother is like and you can relay this to her:

      You cannot afford to move out of your parents home, you have to work twice as hard as anyone else because you have to move up in companies quickly in order to support you and the child. The baby's dad is normally useless, they do not pay support or help with anything (if you are lucky they disappear). Forget any kind of life of your own, do not date. There are tons of creeps out there looking for kids to molest and you can't trust any of them. Most men will not understand why you put your child first. Meanwhile this child is going to grow up and wonder about the other parent even though the other parent doesn't deserve the kid. Then on this kids 18th birthday the bio-father will show up wanting to take credit for the amazing person your kid turned out to be, and guess what, that kid is going to welcome the other parent into their life. This is the best case scenario if your daughter does everything right from here on out. If she is an underachiever with low standards her life is going to look like a bad episode of 16 and pregnant. This kid will grow up dealing with emotional issues and taking a back seat to your daughters life while becoming a dysfunctional human being. The reality probably lies somewhere in between. Is she ready for this? I know this sounds crass. However, I was a teen mom. It's tough. Not tough like an exam, it's day to day hard to live tough. It's the kind of hard where you don't have time to cry or the energy to do it. I left home at 19 with a management position in fortune 500 company and my three year old kid in tow. Is she that tough? Because if she isn't that kid is going to suffer.

      If your daughter isn't that person, I would say find a good couple, people who can't have children and give that baby up. I've met amazing people who really want children and can't have them. I would say if she isn't ready for this, don't do it.

      As for the father, I think she should marry him. I'm joking. He is probably going to disappear, I'm guessing raising babies isn't his game. This is a lot of reality to deal with, a lot of things to think about. I hope whatever her decisions that she puts this child first.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 10 days ago from Arizona

      Most of the people killed in accidents are killed because they did not wear their seat belt. If you have taught her to wear her seat belt then she should be ok even if she has a fender bender. People who are new drivers are also easily distracted. So have her put her phone on driving mode. As for you anxiety, it is not going to help your daughter for you to stress. So meditate, take a hot bath, relax. eventually she is going to move out and and at some point the constant worry ends. Be strong mama.

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      Jennifer 12 days ago

      My daughter just started driving received her license late at 18 . She’s only been driving a few weeks and is starting college in a week ! She has to drive on parkways to college with not much experience . I’m a nervous wreck losing sleep over it and have the worse anxiety about it . I need to learn to cut the cord I know but how do you get over this and know I need to let her live and learn but it’s killing me !!! Please give me some positive advice I’m desperate

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      Amy 12 days ago

      My 17 yr old is pregnant by an 18 yr old drop out with some verbally abusive tendencies. My daughter is hopeful he'll change. Trying to steer her clear of a relationship w him beyond that he is the birth father. Any suggestions?

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 13 days ago from Arizona

      I'm not sure what you are talking about. Why would she be having a secret relationship if she is in college? I know this is tough for parents and I have been through it, but you can't choose your child's significant other. Not only can you not choose them but, if you try to undermine them it only makes that child cling harder to that bad relationship. Always support your child's relationships unless they are abusive. It is your adult child's choice to be with that person.

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      Me 2 weeks ago

      What do you recommend when college age daughter is secretly having a relationship with someone at school which is affecting her life in regards to future choices and relationship with family?

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 weeks ago from Arizona

      I can tell there is a lot of emotion in your comment. If you want to help someone who is on drugs the only help I would offer is rehab. Do not send him money, do not move him in. If he wants help get him into rehab.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 weeks ago from Arizona

      It is unclear what is happening with your son. It sounds like you want him out of your house. If that is the case, give him a deadline to be out or start paying rent. At 29 to still be at mom and dad's house is unreasonable. Give him a deadline and let him know he better keep a job because you are not taking him back in. If you don't get him to take care of himself then who is going to take care of him when you go?

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      Chris 2 weeks ago

      My problem is massive. I have a 29 year old son diagnosed with a personality disorder/Anxiety/Depression.Managed to see him through high school. Not able to hold a job for more than a 3weeks . Must have the best life style according to him without the money and its the parents responsibility to support this life style. Smokes like a chimney, drinks/cocaine/weed when has available money. Stopped taking his medication stating he is normal. Other son who is 27 is an engineer Self-supporting. How do we get the bad one out and help him realize.Perfectly normal in appearance talks of entitlement cops were called a couple of times since 2012...The wife is broken how do we go about this .....Both dad and mum need help in Ontario, Canada

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      Jason, 2 weeks ago

      What if it's not only a girl, and drugs.he talks to me like he what'S my help then,he says he like hurting people?,,I'm in Chicago he's in Texas..I have been out of his life for the last 10 years..

      Dad needs HELP!!!!

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      Heather F 2 weeks ago

      I have a huge problem and I am so at a loss as to what to do! My son is 30 he has a son who is 2, my son was and obviously is still having housing issues, of course I let them stay... Its been going on 3 months, he still has no job no place of his own and a built in babysitter... Me! If I dare say no that I can't babysit, he calls me, pardon my French, dumb count, stupid bitch, he gets in my face screaming. I have told him to get out or I'll put him out, he dangles my grandson over my headsaying say goodbye to names aren't imortant tells me I'll never see him again.What am I going to do? Oh, he also recently moved a girlfriend in who is lazier than he is! HELPPPP!

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 weeks ago from Arizona

      Here is how this is going to work. Your son who is already unhappy is going to continue to meet this girls demands until... another girl pays attention to him. The irony is that interaction with another girl is exactly what will motivate him to leave the current girlfriend, and that is why she won't let him out her sight.

      I went through a similar situation with my oldest. For years I tried to persuade him to get away from this destructive relationship. I am going to tell you what I learned. Always support your kids relationships (unless they involve physical abuse). I started telling my son I wanted him to be happy. If he needed this girl to be happy then I was happy for him. The more you push to break them up, the harder he will hold on because you are his parent and therefore wrong. Support it. Tell him she is welcome in your home. Be nice to her. This will run its course, however it will take longer if you fight it. I know it's frustrating, I know it's horrible. There is no need to threaten anything. If he wants to move out and wants to take care of himself, let him. He may never move back in, however, his relationship is going to end. When it does, he will look back in regret for the wasted time. He will always be your son and eventually he will be back in your good graces.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 weeks ago from Arizona

      Kennel training. I'm sure there are videos on how to kennel train. It fixed anxiety and keeps the pet from tearing up the world. It's like a miracle sent from heaven. Good luck.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 3 weeks ago from Arizona

      Boys tend to mature slower, this is why your friends are saying it's a phase. I'm going to tell you the rule that has always helped us in the past. My children had a choice, either go to college full time or get a job. If they chose to get a job they had six months to save money to move out or start paying rent. The six months gives them time to save enough for first, last and a deposit for an apartment. If they don't move out they get to pay rent at my house. These are rules you can adopt. Also, if someone can't pay their own way, they don't need to keep pets. So if he gets a job and can buy food for the dog, maybe let it stay. If he doesn't get a job, get rid of the dog. He doesn't take care of himself how can he support the dog??? As for the friend, I would direct him to the nearest shelter. Unless you know this kid and are willing to take on a tenant. Responsibility, is important. You have to make your son responsible for himself. I'm going to mention two things either of which may help him. The first is the peace corps, I had a friend who joined the peace corps at your sons age and it fixed him. There's always the military if he cant't keep a job. He's also a good age to serve a church mission. All of the above will get him on a road to independence. However, six month from today he is either out of your house or he pays rent. That's if he follows rules and does his share of the chores.

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      Jessica 3 weeks ago

      Is this only a phase? I keep hearing this ...My 19

      year old son has been in and out of our home for a few years now. He obtained his diploma but has not kept one job over a couple weeks. I know he has some resentment toward us but always calls to be bailed out or to come home stating he has no friends, job, car or anywhere to go. He has learned how to play both me and my husband and can even get my younger children to lie and cover for him. He is currently back in the home...after a week or so, an abandoned full sized dog showed up on our door step we returned him and the next day he was back in my house with my son. He claimed the dog was neglected and abandoned and loved him "he would get a job and 100% care for him. I let him stay, but he is still not working. Now this past week I have noticed extra plates and food missing. Fresh tracks in the snow up to our house and I noticed his friend's car parking down our street. He has secretly moved in his friend who I have become to learn has no where to live himself . So now not only do I have my own jobless unmotivated adult child in my house but his homeless dog and friend. I am so lost on how to handle this situation...Please help!!!!

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      Sad mom 3 weeks ago

      My adult son is away at college and living on loans. We loan money for food and Pay rent. He decided to get a dog and did not consult us. When he visits he brings the dog and it wrecks our home: woodwork, carpet, expensive electronics. He has no money to invest in dog draining. The rest of the family no longer wants to visit if he’s here. Need advice.

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      Worried Mom 3 weeks ago

      My 21 year old son who currently lives with my husband and I has been in a relationship for over a year (his first ever). In the beginning, his girlfriend was pleasant. We always included her in family functions and I let her stay in my home on the weekends because she also lives with her parents, and my son is not allowed in their house (because he is of race).

      Since he turned 21 (in the fall) she started to make demands on him, telling him to erase me, his father, brother, grandmother, and all family from his life. He told her he would. She told him that I disrespected her because I refused to take down his prom picture (of him and his date) that was hanging in my bedroom. I explained that it is my bedroom and she has no business in my room or tell me what I can hang on my wall. She told my son that he didn't have to do anything we asked and be disrespectful and stop talking to us.

      We have had many talks with him about the subject and on a few occasions he agreed that the relationship was not healthy but stated "he couldn't get out of the relationship because he made an AGREEMENT with her." When asked what the agreement was he said "That he had to do everything she asked to keep her happy." When we asked him what about his feelings, he said it doesn't matter. That is what he agreed to.

      He has threatened to move out but in the next breath said he has nowhere to go. He quit his job and got rid of all his friends because she told him to. He is only allowed to talk to her. He cannot do anything without her knowing. He is always holding his cell phone and SKYPE is always on his laptop so she knows where he is.

      My husband and I have tried to explain how unhealthy this is but he it is like a moth to a flame!

      A few days ago my older son (23) and his friends tried to do an intervention. They spent a night with him and asked about the relationship. He immediately fell apart, crying, dry heaving, and inconsolable. He told all of them that he knew it was wrong. He even asked my older son to speak to her, and tell her it was over which of course didn't go well.

      The next day when he spoke the girlfriend she promised him that she would change, but he was NEVER allowed to go anywhere without her again. And he of course agreed.

      Now, he is not speaking to anyone and told us (again) that he is moving out and getting a full time job. We have told him (the past few times he threatened to leave) that if he leaves that he is cut off! No car, no credit card, no phone.

      The girlfriend is 24, an only child, and has already graduated college (my son is still a student), moved back home and tells my son that her parents do whatever she says. However, as I mentioned earlier he is not allowed to step foot in her home. I believe that her mother is aware of the relationship but her father is not. They are from Asia and since he is not Asian he will never be accepted.

      Both my husband and I are ready to let him go and find out what "real life" is like. My only fear is that I will never see him again. My logical self understands that this relationship will NEVER work. That it is extremely expensive where we live and I highly doubt that she will leave the sanctity of her family home since her parents probably pay for everything. I am pretty sure that her car is leased by her parents because my son does all the driving.

      What I don't know, and would like to ask your "professional opinion” is if he will come back to us his family? We continually tell him how much he is loved and that he always welcome to come back. We tell him that we would help him find a place on his own but he has to communicate with us. He refuses. The only thing we have ever asked him (and the girlfriend) is to be respectful. Is this normal? Do you think once he figures it all out, that he will come back to us (not moving back) but being part of the family again?

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 4 weeks ago from Arizona

      First I want you to know it is extraordinarily mature of you to think ahead in this manner. If taking care of you future mother in law is a deal breaker for you then you might not want to make this commitment. Some families are very interdependent when it comes to money. Eventually if you are family they may consider you a resource. You always have the option of a prenuptial agreement. I hope this works out for you.

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      Stress2709236 4 weeks ago

      I raised my son solo after I split from my ex. Except for two years when he was 15/16/17 and he lived with his father. The environment there is one of struggle and borderline poverty. At home with me he is well provided for as my husband and I are both professionals.

      My son always struggled in school and his last year (a victory lap) he removed me from school contact (he was 18) and skipped so much that he lost his entire semester. He didn't graduate.

      I've kicked him out twice. Once for four months and once for three weeks where he was living in his car. He could move back provided he followed rules that were clearly outlined in a contract. Not surprisingly, that didn't last long.

      He had a job and quit because people there weren't as nice as he wanted them to be. So two weeks ago, after him being unemployed for about 6 weeks, I again asked him to leave. He's living with his girlfriend who is an absolute sweetheart. I'm afraid for how he treats her.

      Within two weeks he had a job. His first day was today. Of course his car broke down and he didn't make it. He called me at 6 am to tell me his car 'blew up'. I said that he's an adult now and he needs to solve these problems himself. I feel like an absolute failure as a parent and a complete b*tch for not offering to help. I'm having a very hard time learning where the line is between caring and enabling. What is reasonable, and what is unreasonable. The stress is overwhelming and is affecting my day-to-day happiness.

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      Razor3441 5 weeks ago

      This hits home in many ways although I am not a parent. I'm actually looking for advice here:

      I am dating a woman and her immediate family members are dependent on others for money. Her mother is supported by her boyfriend. Her 37, 23 and 21 year old siblings all work (mostly part time) but are partially supported by my gf's mom's boyfriend and often come to my gf asking for money as well. The main reason they are low on cash is they take their paychecks and spend most of it on booze or drugs or both. To me this is insane but the tricky thing is, they all have mental health issues or addictive behaviors or are dating people with them. Personally, I don't feel their mental health issues are so severe that it completely prevents them from being somewhat responsible but the mentality of her family is that when one of them screws up, someone jumps in and takes care of it.

      Based on this, I am a bit fearful of marrying my gf. Her mom's relationship with her bf is rocky. If they split, I get the feeling people will turn to me to do some of the heavy lifting when it comes to supporting her family members. Am I right to see issues with the above?

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      Warren 5 weeks ago

      Great article. Straight forward, honest, and on the money.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 weeks ago from Arizona

      If you are truly committed to the goal of buying a home, then you should stick to your goal. If your son living with you doesn't bother you, then I would tell him he will have to wait a few months until you are ready to buy. Then if he wants to move in after you buy a house, you will be better able to help him. During that time he may have a commute. It's a better life plan for both of you, if you have your own home. Possibly once you have accomplished this goal, you can show him how to save to buy as well. That way your family grows in a financially positive way. This plan helps everyone without bringing your brother into the situation any more than necessary.

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      Linda 5 weeks ago

      Question...my son is 23, and has been renting a room from a friend. I've recently split from my beau of 10 years, have 90% of my belongings in storage and am now residing with my brother, taking over part of a flat in his duplex (the rest is filled his his belongings for storage). My brother has opened his door to me, to save money so as I can take care of myself and down the road, buy myself a house. After only 2 months of being with my brother, my son tells me that he would like to change jobs and wants to stay with me so he's closer to his new employer...but, I or my brother, have enough room for me, let alone my 23 year old son. Do i look for somewhere else to live for both of us, do I look into a house and take a hit on my 401K for the downpayment....I don't know, I'm thoroughly confused as to what to do as a caring mom, and, as an adult myself going through a trying time....

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      Anne Marie 5 weeks ago

      Thank you

      I really needed to read this.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 weeks ago from Arizona

      Let me see if I understand this correctly, both your son and daughter have moved in with your mom because of your boyfriend? Until your children are adults (18) you are responsible for them. After 18 they are responsible for themselves, you had these kids before the boyfriend. You cannot trade your children for a new boyfriend, why? Because you brought these kids into the world and you are responsible for them. Your son is half you regardless of his father (do not tell him you were raped). However, your 19 year old son needs a deadline to move out, some goals, and he needs to know that someone cares. It's pretty easy to sit around when people are going to let you get away with it. Do not pawn them off on your mother. These are not adults, at 19 if your son doesn't have a life plan then it's time to get one. As for the boyfriend he knew you had kids and it didn't keep him away. It's not a contest between them. Get these kids across the finish line and into adulthood. Teach them to be responsible, that may require them to move back in for a short time, no matter what you do it's not going to be easy. Either way you need to take care of your kids yourself. Your daughters rude comment doesn't absolve you of having her as a responsibility. Go get your kids and finish raising them.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 5 weeks ago from Arizona

      Jan,

      You need to speak to your son. This is just a misunderstanding. You need to start with the part about your hearing, remind him that you have the hearing problem. If he continues to act this way, then there is something else wrong. People get emotional in high stress situations.

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      Manda 5 weeks ago

      My son is 19 years old my mom let him love into her house after he had some issues living with his father and my oldest daughter of 17 decided to live with my mom because she didn't get along with my fiance she doent't take authority to well and was being disrespectful to me one time and my fiance heard enough and snapped on her telling her how disrespectful she was to me and that I was her mother and I got the comment well she doesn't act like it. Well now my son stays at my moms doesn't have a job sleeps and plays video games all day he asks to come over which I don't mind on the weekends that's fine but he ends up staying for a week or two doing the same thing at my moms than I have my oldest daughter ganging up on me throwing the mistakes I've made in my face saying he only wants to come over spend time with us that I choose my fiance over him but the truth is I don't want to enable him to where he's sleeping all day here and video gaming all night keeping everyone up at night he keeps telling me he wants to move in with me his younger sisters and his future stepbrother but my apartment is just so small a living room kitchen and 3 bedrooms I love my son I really do but I just don't have the room for him to move in if he did he would be sleeping on my couch taking over the living room area. I'm stressed out because I want him to mature and he's just not getting the big picture that he needs to get a job and work. Idk am I wrong for not wanting him to come over all of the time?

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      Jan 5 weeks ago

      I just had a big argument with my son and now he says I'll never see my grandson again... He called me in the middle of the night, was hysterical and talking so loud and fast I couldn't understand him. I interrupted him to tell him I couldn't understand what everything he was saying so he screamed louder. He had his girlfriend and three kids with them and apparently the car was overheating and he was scared they were going to break down in the middle of the night in a snowstorm. Recently I went completely deaf in one ear and suffer from terrible headaches. My "good" ear is very sensitive and if sounds are too loud they become distorted. Anyway, he screamed, "FINE, WE'LL JUST BREAK DOWN IN THE COLD!" or something like that and hung up on me. A half hour later he is in my house getting water. I came into the room and asked why he hung up on me and he started yelling at the top of his voice. I told him to get out of my house if he's going to be so disrespectful. Oh, that really made him mad. He called me every name in the book and told me I'd never speak to or see my little six year old grandson again. He through in my face every mistake I'd ever made. I've made a few since I became pregnant with him when I was only 15. I never told him he is the product of rape. How do you tell someone that? I did my best. I worked hard, kept him fed and clothed. I loved him the best I could. How do I keep him from using my grandson as a cruel tool?

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 7 weeks ago from Arizona

      @Chachkeese

      There are no trophies for being a mom, no pay, no holidays off, and a lot of the time there is absolutely no appreciation. You obviously have been the person to help your daughter when she needed it most. However, you are now feeling the brunt of her life focus being less than family oriented. The only thing you can do at this point is have a heart to heart with your daughter about how hurt you are that she is not in your life. You are not in competition with her boyfriends family. Some of the comments you made were coming from a place of jealousy. Do not be jealous, if her relationship goes south then these people will be gone. While you shouldn't hope for that, you should work on your relationship with your daughter. When kids move into adulthood they naturally cut the cord from their parents. At times this is difficult for the parents who have done nothing wrong to deserve a cold shoulder. It takes time and life experience for adult children to appreciate their parents. I wouldn't be too concerned about her behavior, life changes and this temporary. While her current actions are a little immature and insensitive, she has a lot of life left. Hang put with your son's wife and enjoy your grand kids. Everything has a season. Maybe this is your season to be closer to your son. The woman getting mother of the year, will never know it. Keep that in mind and help your children from your heart.

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      Chachkeese 7 weeks ago

      My daughter is 25 she lives in the big city, she has changed we are simple people with simple lives. She has surrounded herself with her boyfriends family she brings wine over for dinners for them she call us when she needs something like oil changed, brakes done, or when her birthday rolls around. We have not gotten anything from her in years for our birthdays --We have never met her boyfriends family even tho she has met all of them, she goes out of her way to impress them she has been with him 6 years ( she goes on vacations to stay at their houses etc she tell us they are loaded) , we have seen him a handful of times he seems superficial but nice. She also has little to do with her brother and his wife she thinks she is above them, I hardly have anything to talk to her about she takes offense to anything I say, her father just lets her get away with it. I am tired of it this past Thanksgiving she told me she was coming out the night before to sleep over (she never has done that she barely tells us she is ever in town she stays at her roommates parents house they are loaded but recently sold the house so she has no where to stay now) well it ends up she came into to town to bar hop with her old friends out in this area I saw her for a few minutes as she put on her makeup.. I thought we were going out to have dinner yeah that did not happen she used this house to get ready and then she went out did not see her until 2 am when she came home. We made breakfast for her in the morning and she told us Happy Thanksgiving she proceeded to tell us she was going to have Thanksgiving with her boyfriends family and she had to go get table wine for it she was bringing cheese platter she does nothing like that when and if she comes here- Like she is so trying to impress these people and us she don't care we have to love her is how I feel. We do not have a ton of money and we are simple people our son lives down the street from us with his wife and our grandchildren she has no relationship with them she did not even bother to see them that day. She posted on social media later that night that she was ( oh FYI she just added us on her Facebook) thankful for spending the day with people who truly love her and thankful she was no longer in retail, I responded we love you also and remember the one thanksgiving we had to bring you food to work, apparently the post was not about us, it was about her boyfriends family or the people she spent Thanksgiving with but certainly not meant for us after I posted that she took down her Facebook account. She praises her friends and other family members but will not post or say anything about me her mother she will post a picture of her father on her account but she has not one picture of me on her social media not one in ten years. I am fed up and she really does not see anything wrong with this behavior. This kid sucked the life out of me while she was in high school and college, I had to get loans for her when she skrewd up her second year in college she was suppose to pay it back she never did. I got her a job at the store I worked when she was 16 I even hired four of her friends, I got her transferred to a store close to where she went to college so she would have a job. I sent her money if I had extra me not her father. WE had given this child three cars not expensive ones I took on a car payment and gave her mine because it was paid off she totaled it and I even gave her the money for the car from the insurance she posted on social media( I did not have social media then) that she was a so proud of herself she was buying her first car with her hard earned money no mention of me giving her the money nothing just all about her I was disgusted when I saw that- She does not call us as I said unless she wants something she hardly ever return a text so I stopped texting oh she did return the one when I asked her what she wanted for Christmas... She praises her Aunt and Uncle post pictures with them...So I have decided to pay attention to myself for once in my life and let it go this person who she has become is not who I raised I am a simple person who loves thrift stores came from a family of 9 my husband came from 8- Our daughter is the baby of two and she became very jealous when our son had kids who does that - IDK what to do anymore with her ignorance and her lack of love and empathy to us, she has become this self centered human being she talks more to one of her Aunts than to me and this Aunt and Uncle use people for personal gain they still owes us 3500.00 from years ago . When my grandmother died I asked my children who was coming to the funeral with me my son just started a new job he said he could not get off my daughter was working for the same company as I but different location I asked her to take off she told me no, now this is a child who took off for her boyfriends grandmothers funeral and she took off for her boyfriends cousins funeral two days by the way... and she took off for her friends sisters funeral but she wont take off for her great grandmothers its a paid day off I was disgusted - It saddens my heart she is this way-

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      Loulou lee 8 weeks ago

      My daughter is 27. She recently moved out. She has never been respectful towards me as I would like. And, now that she is living with a boyfriend I'm a bit relieved. The problem is she won't actually say she's moved out. I think this is because she still wants me to help her with rides and such. But, I'm really done with the disrespect and I feel that helping her is simply another way of breeding the same old problems. I guess I'll be telling her she needs to find her own way to work and it's time to pack up the rest of her stuff. I pretty much know I won't be seeing her for a while once I do this. But, I'd rather not than contribute to her bad attitude towards me.

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      Passive Aggressive Young Adult 8 weeks ago

      Hi, I am so glad to find this site, I feel that your advises are really genuine and from the heart.

      All these years my husband and I are baffled as to why our daughter is always unhappy and our biggest mistake is when she does not talk to us, we cave in due to guilt. She can last a week without talking, yet shows defiance in many ways from the simplest chores, ignoring our calls. She procrastinates, could care less about the quality of her chores, doesn't matter if you give her money or not, she's still mad at us and brags that we are very predictable. One time, we found out that she finds pleasure in manipulating our conversation. She portrays that she is a victim and we are bad parents. It is really hard to pull of a "Sorry" from her. She would rather not talk and make it this environment the norm in our family. How do we correct this? Is it too late?

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      Vanessa 8 weeks ago

      _hmmm been mexican american just makes it so hard. My mom is like no, all your aunts and uncles consider people who leave their house without been married, sluts. Great, so if I move out, and try to become independent, that's what I will be considered? Geeze thanks a lot...

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      Pat 8 weeks ago

      Thanks for replying and giving your professional opinion. Although I knew what you are saying, it is always reassuring to hear it from someone who has experience in dealing with this and helping others. I appreciate your time and hope that I can take this and do our part to start the process of my son being responsible for himself. We know its ultimately up to him but we want to do whatever we should. Bless you for being so kind to take the your time to help others. Hope you have a nice holiday season.

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      18 year old daughter 8 weeks ago

      We have attended our first session of family counselling. We did try before but she hated it. She would say what the counsellor wanted to hear from her and not really what is inside, while we are all out because we know we needed help. We know we need help because of the cycle of frustrations. She once told us that she is very headstrong and she only respects her own opinion, not everyone else's and that includes those in the counselling profession. Our daughter has been telling her friends that we are bad parents and when they come by to visit, you can feel that they're a bit bewildered. Two of her friends have approached us and said they were glad that they have seen us because what our daughter had been painting a picture of us does not add up and they have to see it themselves. Hopefully, this family counsellor we are seeing can penetrate to the core of our family dynamics because it is no longer healthy for all of us.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      It would be difficult to tell you how to fix him without seeing him myself to judge the extent of the behaviors. Sometimes diagnosis such as OCD and panic attacks are temporary yet once someone hears that diagnosis the make it a part of who they are "I cant do that because I have anxiety". Anxiety is an unrealistic response to normal life situations that are not harmful. Think about that. He needs to retrain his brain to react appropriately. It can be done. Are you going to bubble wrap your son and keep him in his room? Your son is 30. That is a weird age to be living at home. I'm sensing some codependency brought about by the son you lost. Being afraid your son might die, is not an excuse to keep him from living. In life we develop life skills for survival. At some point your son got the message that you were happier with him this close, than you would be if he got out on his own. I know people with OCD who work and have their own apartments. He is not disabled by these disorders, he is disabled by the thought of them. It's time to cut the cord and let your son go live. Give him a date by which to either move out or start paying rent. Be strong and believe in your son. Let him know that you think he can make it on his own. One day you won't be here to take care of him so you better get him self-sufficient now.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      This is a phase. He is in a stage in life when he is out on his own, not thinking about his parents. As Parents we expect our kids to be grateful for the life we gave them. The ages between 16-25 are when kids naturally pull away from their parents to test life on their own. Be patient. As for the money, giving him money is up to you. It really depends. At some point your son will start communicating more. For right now enjoy your free time.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      It depends on why your son is on SSI. There are a jobs that disabled people can do to supplement SSI. Everyone needs a purpose in life. Purpose is more important than happiness. however, if he hasn't asked for your help anything you volunteer is simply meddling in his life. Also, you have to let the wife thing go. You are not going to convince him that she is bad, he has to figure that out on his own. At 42 even someone who is disabled does not want to be mothered. That said there are government housing options available. You can lead a horse to water, you can't make them drink.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      You and your husband need to decide what you want as the end result. It sounds like all of you need counseling. your relationship with your daughter should be a loving caring relationship, not a battle. It also shouldn't be you and your husband creating consequences where they don't belong. Let her do her own laundry. The best I can tell you at this point is that your negative feelings are hindering your progress with her. you shouldn't be looking for ways to make he life harder, just don't bail her out of trouble when she's doing stupid things. Work on your relationship with her and consider counseling.

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      Pat 2 months ago

      I don't know where it begin, but at this point, my eldest son is 30 and has dual problems going, has always had anxiety, OCD, panic attacks, etc, and it has only gotten worse by using alcohol, which makes him somebody else. He is on and off with jobs, nothing steady for a long term, lives at home, and is not following our rules of no drinking. We are walking on egg shells because our younger son passed away a couple years ago and now my older son is even worse. I know that we need to make him get out, but feel like he needs to get his head on straight and want him to go for help, so that he can see that he is able to survive on his own. I know we don't help but allowing him to stay but I need strength and guidance to know how to go about making him get the help he needs and getting him to be responsible for himself. He had seen someone but that didn't last and he didn't want to take meds cause he says he is paranoid since his brother and others have died from drugs. He can't see that alcohol is just a slower killer (in most instances). I know we shouldn't have allowed this continue for this long and our fear of losing him to prevents us from doing what needs to be done. How can we approach this and have him get help so that he can function on his own? He is intelligent and has so much he could have going for .

      himself.

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      PK 2 months ago

      my son is 19 years old, a 2nd year university student. we had great relationship and he was truly my LOVE before the age of 15. after he has a girlfriend he doesn't like to communicate with us, ignoring us. the only time he talks to us is when he needed money or something from us. he does not care or is grateful for what we do for him, when we talk to him or ask him something...it's like we are interrupting his life. we don't want to push him away, but his actions hurt us so badly. what can we do to make him understand that we love him but not wanting him to take it for granted and ruin him?

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      ronda 2 months ago

      my son is 42 years old married and gets about 740.oo a month from ssi his wife shows upon the first of every month stays with him until that little bit of money is gone. They were told to move out of there house and he is in his little motorhome broken down with nobody to help. Wat do I do I love my son but what can I do.

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      18 year old daughter 2 months ago

      You are exactly correct, we get intimated by her arrogance and the way she speaks to us is very disrespectful. We have made drastic moves, when she takes my clothes without permission, I charge her half the cost, when she does not follow her curfew (she is very good at bending curfews before, we would lock the door, when she spends all her money, we don't give anymore. She frequently miss classes and yells at us that the professors are ok with it, and she has a lot of laundry. We were thinking, we'd ask her to do laundry in the laundromat so she knows how much it costs and let her pay. She attempted suicide and if she does not go to school we panic. Ehen she was in gr 12, we asked her to apply for scholarships, she said she'd rather work and pay for it. When her friend got a 4 year scholarship which pays her way to uni, she said that her parents were smart and our family is abnormal and besides it's too late. What frustrates us is she comes home late and never talks to us, always on social media, and just goes to her room. We feel like our house is like a hotel, or we have a tenant who s not pay. We're now tempted to ask her to pay for rent. We don't know what else to do.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      What you are saying sounds like a child throwing a fit, not a young adult. Let her sit in her room. Better yet, stop giving her money. She is acting like a spoiled five year old. You can't have it both ways, you can't continue to give into her demands and expect her to act like an adult. If she is grown up enough to run away with a man, she is grown up enough to get it together and be on her own. She is holding your love over your head. That is not love it is manipulation. Be the parent. It sounds like you cave in because you don't want her to not love you. That is not how love works. We do not love someone based on what he can con that person out of. You and your husband need to have a discussion about what you expect of this young woman, get on the same page. It doesn't matter if she hates you for not giving her what she wants. It is time for her to take responsibility. Be aware she is going to be mad every time you don't give her her way, so what? Life is full of disappointments. It's time to grow up.

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      18 year old daughter 2 months ago

      Thank you for your advise. A relative of ours mentioned that our daughter always play the victim and unhappy of anything no matter what we do or not do. She always finds faults from our actions or words and justifies her bad behavior. She is our only child and you can imagine how much we love her, but we want her to be responsible individual. Our biggest mistake is my husband and I were not united in front before. She manipulates her way until she gets an approval from one of us, and we end up arguing. When she ran away she said that she is unhappy with us. Authorities got involved and milestones missed, then she came back home and said she realized that she loved us. Few months latetr, she's back to being very unhappy, negative, not motivated, angry, lying, and her grades failed. When I give her money, she would spend it in jiffy and still ends up angry at us. Now, we don't give her any money and same result, mad and locks her room. Help.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      My rule is that if an adult child is doing everything they can, I will help them. You don't have to pay for her entire college tuition and I woudln't recommend it. Her having to invest her own money in her degree will give her a greater incentive not to waste her education. Drop out rates are higher among students who's parents paid their way. She needs to stay invested in her future. However, these types of financial decisions should be up to you and your husband to discuss. Another important question is "do you have the money?" Don't go into debt to fix this for her. Be logical about how much you can afford to help.

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      18 year old daughter 2 months ago

      I was crying in bed feeling alone and lonely. My husband is working late night and my 18 ur old daughter is out with her friends. I was in tears because of many mixed emotions, but ultimately all I needed for many years is a hug and compassion from my daughter. She ran away twice, crazy over a boyfriend, did not take her senior high school seriously, wasn't serious about scholarships, and did not invite us to her graduation ceremony and packed her stuff and moved out on the day of. She ran out of money, was asked by her mom's friend where she stayed to come home. She took some odd jobs, terminated and left penniless. Now she's back. We land down our house rules before and she hated it. Now, we did not have it written but still enforced. She wanted to work to pay for her tuition, which left her tired, and not earning enough to pay off, worst, her grades were failing. She does not talk to us, her chores always was a constant battle. She is very social, and spends her money to the roof. Taught her to budget, worked well because she gives me here cheques and gives her the leftover after tuition. She runs out ofmoney and we keep on giving her. I still but her clothes and school itemail because she has nothing saved. Now she wants us to help her next semester pay for tuition. What should we do?

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      Pam my heart goes out to you. What an awful thing to have to think about. Why would you go get him? Do you want to break into a drug den and drag him out? How would you even begin to know where he is? Do not put your own safety at risk. He probably wouldn't go with you even if you found him. By getting arrested he violated probation. They will be looking for him if he doesn't show up in court. The best thing I can tell you is that when he goes back to jail, go see him, let him know you love him. You can't fix his life but you can still love your child.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      It's convenient to be able to just choose parenting like one chooses what to eat for breakfast. Isn't it. Tell him this "by biological default he will be a dad regardless of if he chooses to participate in his daughters life. He can choose to be a crappy dad and have his daughter end up a statistic of either drug use or teen pregnancy. Or he can be a good dad and try his best to do what is right for his child. Either way he is still a dad." his choice if he wants this kid to hate his guts later in life.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      It sounds like the legal system is about to send her to jail. I don't know about you, but I'm never excited to see someone who called me a stupid bitch. It's sort of a deal breaker for most people. I'm sort of assuming that your ex-husband bailed her out of jail, not your current husband. If it is your ex, let him deal with her. Out of eight charges you can bet the DA will get at least two to stick. Also she is your child, you still love her without loving her behavior.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      Hello Lost Mom,

      Love your son. I don't mean fix his life. I mean go see your son and just love him. Tell him you love him, give him hugs. Be there. Then maybe if he is in trouble he will tell you. As for the girlfriend I can tell you the more you try to push her out of his life, the tighter he will hang onto her. Stay strong.

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      Lost Mom 2 months ago

      My son is it's 21, maybe on drugs (he had a past meth problem), lives with his physically and mentally abusive gf and no longer cares about anything. He is living in a delusion that life is great and I'm the one refusing to see. I'm lost, I don't want to enable him but watching him slowly slip awa, seeing the black eyes, the weight lost, the shell of a person dead inside. I just don't know off this is the time I get involved or just keep waiting, though I have no clue what I'm waiting for. I stay at a job I hate just to see him and feed him.

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      Levander 2 months ago

      My daughter is 27 yrs old. She is blaming me for her life being a total tormoil at this time. She is homeless and I refuse to let her come stay with me to disrupt my house. She has made so many bad choices and burnt all her bridges. Her God mother tried to help her and she disrupted her home just days ago. She wanted to come to my house and I didn't allow it. She called and said I hope you die you stupid bitch. I was so hurt and angry that a child I had raised by myself and done everything under the Sun to protect her from all the evil things that She chose to indulge in anyway. She has 8 charges pending and one recent one under a 20,000 bond. Her father bailed her out i didnt. What can i do at this point . I pray everyday for her and I've put it all in God's hands I know nothing else to do. Any suggestions.

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      Christina 2 months ago

      My 21 year old son has recently decided he no longer wants to be a dad to his 4 year old daughter.

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      Pam 2 months ago

      My 42 year old addict son has been missing 3 weeks. He was in a rehab for 3 months. As soon as he came out he got on hydrocodone and alcohol. He ended up in jail for public intoxication. I’ve not heard from him since. Should I️ let him work this out or try to find him? Been dealing with the addiction for years. I’m just worn out with the addiction.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      What do you need to believe? That he is clean or sober? When someone is on probation for a drug offense they have to do mandatory drug testing. So if he is testing clean, he is clean. That said, it is up you and your boyfriend to decide if he can come live with you. They have work programs and housing programs in most states that help people like your son learn to live life without the drugs. As a mom I would tell you to go see him, he is your son. Just because our kids do something wrong doesn't mean we stop loving them. When I tell people not to enable their children, I'm not telling them to stop loving them or speaking to them. As for the idea of taking the son in, maybe you and the boyfriend should go see him. See what he is up to then decide what you are going to do, together. Maybe once you see him you won't want to take him in, or maybe when your boyfriend meets him he will be willing to help. You are working off a phone call and that is too little information.

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      Elizabeth62 2 months ago

      You are very wise. Thank you.

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      Diane 2 months ago

      Hello iam in a bind. My 30yr old son just got out of prison and is on porbation fot one yr. And i live 4hours away from where he is. He's calling me and telling me he has no where to live. But before he went to prison he was on bad drug ( heroin). I dont know what to do at this point my boyfriend is telling me my son is lying just to come live with us and not a halfway house. So me and my boyfriend are having defense into this.I don't know if i should believe my son this time or not. Please help..

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      Nineteen is a tough age. Boys do mature late and have impulse control issues. While your son may be cooperating right now, you are still fixing things for him. You are still trying to remove the consequences of his actions. I hope that he actually goes to college as you mentioned and straightens out his life. Fingers crossed.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      Most people do not start to find out who they are until they leave home. We make different decisions when we are close to family than we would away from them. Her marriage it's-self may have been about what you expect of her rather than the relationship with her husband. While none of that is your fault, the more you interfere in her life, the less likely she is to make her choices vs what you would have her choose. She will distance herself for a while and then she may find out that you were right about some things after all. Let her get some life lessons under her belt and let her come to you.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      This article was more for the parent sending the money. Divorce parenting is rough and I think it messes up a lot of kids. When you consider the idea of the "Disneyland Dad/Mom" just that is enough to mess a kid up. Yet there always seems to be that one parent who thinks they can make up for their own shortcomings by giving the kid everything they want and taking them anywhere they want to go. That my friend is a whole other topic.

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      Lugly 2 months ago

      You left out the part where one parent expects the adult child to figure it out while the other sends money. This is a double hit. It robs the child of the Lasson and undermines the relationship with the other parent.

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      Elizabeth62 2 months ago

      Thank you for your response. I tend to think we should continue to help so she doesn't associate our pulling financial support with our disappointment in her complete lack of willingness to work on her marriage. It doesn't jive with our view of marriage. Her husband is a great person who continues to be very supportive of her. But that is her decision, not ours. And she does seem to be very focused on her studies. Most of the active social life seemed to be over the summer. She has developed expensive tastes, which I do think is the influence of new friends. She is very, very goal driven. She is usually very family oriented. This new phase where she is trying to disconnect from anyone in family before law school is hard to understand. Thank you for listening.

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      Aliza Kelly 2 months ago

      Thanks for your comment. I do agree with you about him not learning anything without suffering consequences. I work in the legal system, and I know that he absolutely needs legal counsel to have the best chance of resolving these issues so he doesn't have a criminal record. He's been really cooperative with the authorities and has been given every chance to try to correct his mistakes by law enforcement because they know he can do better.

      He wants to go to college, and if he has any kind of a criminal record, that will prohibit him from getting financial aid, which will be a huge obstacle to overcome. I don't want that for him.

      I have made it clear that we are no longer going to help him financially. I also made a point to sit down with him without losing my temper and us both yelling at each other and discuss what things in our contract we can negotiate on.

      He went to see a counselor today (one of our contractual terms), and really seemed to like him. He's got some homework to do regarding figuring out what he needs to do in order to change the way things are going for him, and I really am encouraging him to open up to somebody besides us, which he really doesn't want to.

      I don't want to make excuses for my son. He's done some incredibly stupid things, and while he's 19 and technically an adult, he's really not as grown up as he thinks he is.

      As long as he's making progress towards his goals and keeping his nose clean, I am cautiously optimistic.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      @Elizabeth62

      You seem like reasonable people who did a good job raising your child. As you stated there seems to be a disillusion about where money comes from. She had you helping then her husband (who I'm sure is devastated). If you are seeing a lot of expensive extra activities, I have a tough time believing her studies are her priority. If you decide to cut her off then I would give her ample notice. She seems to have it together in terms of her goals. It sounds like she is mixed up with people who are not grounded. The complaints she made about a minor incident in high school indicate an inflated sense of self importance. You are within your rights to be upset that she would act as if you were horrible parents for such a minor complaint. If you find out that she has quit school, then I would certainly stop helping. However, her degree and ability to support herself is going to keep you from supporting her later. Just a thought.

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      Elizabeth62 2 months ago

      Our 28 yr old daughter has always been very responsible. She had jobs, bought her own car. At the same time, we have never said no when she's asked for support. In college, we paid for study abroad and an unpaid, out of state internship. After college, we volunteered to pay for a certification she wanted. Three years ago she decided to go to law school. We weren't paying for law school. She did an amazing job securing scholarships. She got a very good scholarship for tuition in a very expensive city. Her husband would be working, but she would not. We volunteered to contribute towards rent to help them out. Now she is in 2nd year. She no longer wants to be married. She is very enamoured with the party scene in the city. She wants a very expensive life style. She is willing to go to school and work 2 jobs to have it. My issue is do we keep helping her? It doesn't help that I have learned she has been telling people for quite some time that we are not supportive and accepting of her. Our home life was very stable. We never missed a game, parent teacher conference, play, etc... Her big complaint is once in HS I did not realize she had the flu until a few days after she said she was tired. I feel like no parent could pass the test if that is the standard. So now, we're considering discontinuing the help with rent. It does irritate me when I see pictures of her at expensive outings, when we are working so hard to help her. It does not seem appreciated. I feel like she does not completely grasp how much this lifestyle is costing her, monitarly and otherwise.

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      Timothy Garcia 2 months ago

      I know she wants independence. All I want is for her to be safe. I never pushed the typical idea of success (college, career, marriage, babies) If she chose to work fast food for life, I'm fine with that. I wouldn't be happy about it though. As long as she can afford to live the lifestyle that she wants. I want her to keep toxic people out of her life. Going back there puts 2 toxic people right back in the mix.

      I offered to help pay for an apartment anywhere she wants, giver her the car, keep her cell phone on our plan, and get her a mentor. She hasn't accepted yet. I told her we will not support her if she leaves in any way. If she does leave, I told her she can come back and the offer stands.

      I hope she doesn't make any mistakes that are permanent. I will take your suggestion about Kate. If that is who Jane decides to live with, then I will do whatever it takes to keep the lines of communication open. Thank you.

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      What does Jane want out of life? It's interesting that as humans we try to go back to what we know because it is comfortable. There appear to be no surprises. Jane knows Kate, she knows living with Kate is a bad idea, but it's a bad idea that she is use to. Most of us outgrow our high school friends. It only takes one positive influence to change a life. Right now Jane sees Kate as her only way out of "mom and Dads" house. It's that struggle for independence that makes this happen. The other factor is that you as her parents want to control her life. You see the danger signs and you don't want her to learn the hard way. While I agree that she shouldn't go to California, you can't stop her. Your daughter is going to make her own mistakes. If you know what she wants to do with her life, you can create a situation that would make it worth it for her to stay. Such as paying for Jr college. Your goal as a parent should be for Jane to be self-sufficient. At some point you have to trust what you taught your daughter growing up. You have to trust that she will make good decisions when it is important. If you don't believe she will, then I can tell you that nothing you do to protect her will make a difference. Also, maybe the answer to this is in the question. You should get as close to Kate as you can. Make Kate feel like she can call you for anything. She seems to feel a responsibility for Jane. Even though Kate is not the best influence, you might be able to alter that by helping Kate get herself straight. Kids who grow up in bad homes, know they are bad homes. They just need to know there are other ways to live. Keep in mind the more you push Jane to stay, the more she is going to want to leave. No matter what, it's Jane's life. At some point we have to let go. You can't bubble wrap her to keep her safe. Find out what she wants from life, encourage her dreams instead of discouraging her options. I will keep you all in my prayers.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      Laura,

      This article is not about tough love. It's about adult children who do whatever they want and then expect their parents to clean up the mess. I would take in my child coming out of an abusive relationship if they were not on drugs or involved in criminal behavior. Every situation is different. I'm not sure why your mother would choose this particular time in your life to pull the tough love card, but then I do not know your history. My kids can come live with me at any point however they will have rules, rent, and chores. They choose not to live with me because they know this. Unless one of my kids became seriously irresponsible, they are always welcome in my home. If your mother is adamant about not taking you in, there are homes for battered women. You should be able to get to them through welfare services or the salvation army. They also have programs to get you a job and apartment. I know this because I worked and donated to these programs. I'm not sure about the dog but, maybe you can have someone take it until you are on your feet. As for your mom, your past decisions may have burned a bridge with her. No has a child to abandon them however, adult children should strive to take care of themselves. Whatever you do, don't go back to your abuser. I wish you all the best.

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      Timothy Garcia 2 months ago

      I need help! My daughter Jane (19 years old) wants to move back in with Kate.

      Jane was always a good kid. Once she met Kate in high school, she started skipping school and shoplifting. Obviously, Jane is responsible for her decisions but Kate is the influence. Kate is an obnoxious, selfish child. Kate had a horrible upbringing with only a horrible mother in her life. Jane is her only friend.

      They were apart for about 2 years after high school and moved in together in April 2017. It was a terrible mistake. Jane started dating a 28 year old loser who was verbally abusive. Kate and Jane would fight often. Kate quit her job and earns money giving topless massages.

      Kate told us about the boyfriend. We were moving to TX and told Jane she was coming with us for her safety (knowing she didn't have to if she didn't want to) but she moved with us. Jane has informed me that she is going to move back in with Kate. She says she wants to be on her own and not live with her parents. I will do anything to keep her from going back.

      Jane says she will not go back to boyfriend. She doesn't know why she let him treat her that way and has learned her lesson. She say all the fighting was over the boyfriend. She believes that her relationship with Kate will be ok with him out of the picture. She believes she will go there and achieve success and independence.

      I believe she will fall back into the same life. He will weasel his way back. Kate will continue to be toxic. I think Kate told us about the boyfriend because she knew I would act on it. I got hime out of Jane's life for now. I think that is what Kate wants. Kate want Jane to herself. I think Kate will do anything to sabotage Jane's life to keep her. Kate has somehow manipulated Jane into believing she is her friend. Kate will go to any length to keep Jane because she has nobody else.

      How do I open Jane's eyes to Kate's toxicity? How can I convince her that boyfriend is bad news? Jane has smoked weed since sophomore year of high school (I tried to stop that in HS but I'm fine with now) But she started taking cough medicine while high (called Triple C's). I'm afraid that drug use will lead to harder drugs, especially with Kate's influence.

      I believe I will lose my daughter to domestic violence or drug abuse if she goes back. When she came to TX with us, we told her that she can stay on our cell phone plan(we made all her brothers get their own plans when they moved out) and give her my car. Her oldest brother will let her move in when he gets stationed in CA with the Navy. She loves CA, but she is resistant to this idea.

      We are willing to give her everything if she stays. I cannot support her decision to leave. I have told her that I will not support her with my blessing or financially. We will cut off her phone and she cannot take the car.

      What can I do to keep her here?

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      Laura 2 months ago

      I am on the verge of being homeless to leave an abusive situation. It's the winter & I have a 16 year old dog to take care ..needless to say extremely stressful. I wish my mother had never read anything on tough love because I feel so alone & hopeless that suicide sometimes seems like the best solution. I hope all the parents out there consider their "adult child's" feelings before making a "tough love" decision. Why have children?

    • michelleonly3 profile image
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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      Thank you for your service! Many parents do not realize that by raising their kids to be irresponsible, they negatively impact our society. Thank you again for the work you do in our communities.

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      I can only answer this from opinion because these are your decisions to make. It seems like a ton of "I'll save you" type behaviors have gone on as it is. If you have put up $11,000 you are already in a cycle of rushing in to save this kid. What are you saving him from? Is someone making him behave badly? No. Is he being forced to do stupid things? No. you are saving him from consequences. Think about that. You are saving him from having any consequences for his actions, to the tune of $11,000. So you are working pretty hard to put that protective bubble wrap around him as he jumps off cliffs. Why? Why do you think that is your responsibility?

      If your son got a DUI your insurance is going to go through the roof if you leave him on it. Is that fair to you? Do you want to keep saving him from his stupidity? I guess if you want to keep saving him, leave him on the insurance. If you are ready for him to be his own man, you make him get his own insurance. Either way that is your choice. How much debt do you want to be in on this? Is there a limit? Will just go on forever like he is a third grader who keeps forgetting his homework? You decide.

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      Aliza Kelly 2 months ago

      I'm so glad to be reading this. I am the mother of a 19-year-old son who graduated in June. He is a smart young man, but he was repeatedly in trouble during high school for skipping school, drug use, and failure to follow rules. Since he graduated, he has been working full-time and recently picked up a second job.

      In August he was arrested because of his connection with someone committing a crime. He was jailed overnight and is currently facing legal charges (which my husband and I paid for). After that incident, we had him sign a contract indicating what he needed to do while living here.

      Two weeks ago he was arrested for a DUI charge and jailed overnight. He posted his own bond, and we have retained legal counsel for that charge as well. After that incident, we updated his contract and made clear what he needed to do to avoid being evicted. He agreed.

      Less than two weeks later, he has violated at least five terms of that contract, so I am giving him until the end of the month to move out.

      We have spent over $11,000 in the past six months on his car and legal issues. I can't live with the stress of him being here. He agreed to give me $600 monthly to repay his legal fees, and I am certain that he will refuse to do that once he's moved out.

      My question is whether to keep him on our family's car insurance and cellphone plan once he's out. He needs a car to get to work, and he's going to need to work to live on his own, and I realize that a cellphone is kind of a necessity as well. Any thoughts? And please let me know if I'm doing the right thing. I have spent I don't know how many sleepless nights worrying about this kid who has so much potential but refuses to comply by our rules.

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      Alexander 2 months ago

      Thank you for posting this. I am a child raised in a home with little, and had to strike out on my own at 19 out of necessity - my parents could not support me. I didn't realize at the time - this did me a lot of good. Now working with law enforcement, I almost daily see the results of this kind of "always help them out" parenting. They are always the ones constantly doing stealing, doing drugs, and other petty stuff, because they know they're getting bailed out as soon as it's all over.

      Thank you for writing this!

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      MD Jackson MSIOP 2 months ago from Arizona

      Whether or not you allow someone to enter your home is completely up to you and your mom. If you told them not to come, then I think it was foolish of them to show up on your door. You can check for criminal records pretty easy. In some states if you allow someone to move in you may have to evict them to get them to leave. It's something for anyone to keep in mind. There are some people who just do not seem to ever get their act together. There are state agencies that help people in this situation. Are you feeling guilty because you think you should take them in? You are right about one thing, your mother should not have to deal with them at her age.

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      Krystal 2 months ago

      My mom and I raised my nephews/her grandchildren I was only 16 at the time and I've always worked and stayed to help raise them. My mom is 70 now and our 26 year old has a child of his own and his wife is very mouthy and controlling and she can't keep a job because of her mouth. My boyfriend and i have even helped them financially with promise to pay it back but of course they never have. I live with my mom and help her pay rent.Now he and his family shows up on my mom's doorstep with no place to go from another state! We told them not to come here we don't have the room. They have told us many stories as to why they had to leave i think alot of it are lies and feel like drugs may be involved because of their erratic behavior.(just a feeling) My mom and i have given them ideas and resources to help prior to there arrival and they don't listen. My mom did not let them in because like I said she's 70 and feels like it's not her responsibility nor mine. We did are time. They have sent insulting texts and said we are cold and callous for not helping them! On one hand I feel sad because of the child but on the other I feel like it is his responsibility and my mom knows if she let's them in they will not leave and it will cause her stress! What do you think? Are we doing the right thing? When does it end?