Dealing With a High Conflict Ex-Wife in 5 Easy Steps

Updated on March 8, 2018
Alice Marlowe profile image

Alice Marlowe PhD, PMHNP, RN, holds a BA in Psychology and is a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner.

You float down the aisle on your wedding day, smiling radiantly at your knight in shining armor. Absolutely nothing can ruin this moment. Except the ex-wife.

As you look lovingly at your groom, you remember the 55 text messages his ex-wife sent that morning outlining exactly how she was going to make his life (and therefore yours) a living hell if he had the audacity to marry you. Never mind that their divorce was 10 years ago. You glance around the church to make sure she isn't camped out behind the nearest flower arrangement with a bazooka pointed at your head. You wonder if you can survive this much drama.

Not to worry. With a little effort and some strong boundaries, you can.

Girlfriends, Wives, and Stepmoms: Dealing With His Toxic Ex

Sound familiar?

Even if you're not married yet, being in a relationship with a man who has a high-conflict ex-wife or girlfriend is not for the faint-of-heart. I know because I am married to a man whose ex-wife is bat shit crazy. I met him years after his divorce and I could not fathom that there was still this much animosity and abuse from his toxic ex.

I have dealt with everything from the ex trying to punch my husband to her beating on my door at 6 a.m. to see if he was at home. (He was, by the way.) I've been yelled at and received unsolicited phone calls telling me what a loser I married. I've been blamed for things I've never heard of and called a horrible human being. For the longest time, she referred to me as "the chick around your dick." She threatened to keep my husband and his son apart for the rest of the kid's life if the kid was ever going to be around me for even 5 seconds because she was not going to have "her son" around another woman. Odd, since all I've ever said to her is "Hello," and eventually, "Stop knocking on my door at 6:00 a.m."

Sound familiar? If yes, keep reading to learn how to minimize the stress caused by a vindictive ex-wife, maximize your own sanity, and keep your focus where it should be—on your relationship or marriage and children.

How Can You Deal With an Ex's High Drama?

According Rachel Stapleton, PLLC, a mental health therapist in private practice, sometimes you can't:

"Accept the fact you cannot control your ex. She may (albeit unfortunate, immature, and unfair to the children) choose to continue to act in a dramatic manner, but know that you do not have to respond in a dramatic way, nor do you have to participate."

If you're still trying to deal with the ex, and especially if kids are involved, I share these five steps that might help you.

Step 1: Recognize the Crazy

If your husband frequently receives 10 to 15 ranting and abusive emails (manifestos) from the ex-wife in a 24 hour period, this is not normal. If the ex-wife has ever texted your husband to the point that his phone battery dies, this is not normal. If you have ever accompanied your husband to drop off the kids and the ex-wife starts beating on his car. Yep, you guessed it. Not normal!

The first step is to recognize who and what you are dealing with. Any time two people with kids get divorced, there are going to be some squabbles over the years. Minor, and even a few major, disagreements are completely normal. Do not expect your husband and his ex to co-parent in perfect harmony all the time. Do, however, expect that there will be no cussing, name calling, threats, withholding the chidren, or banging on your door for no apparent reason. If any of this has happened, keep reading.

Is she "crazy" or has she actually been diagnosed with a mental illness? If so, you might like to read about When the Ex-Wife Has Borderline Personality Disorder.

For exes who are experiencing difficulty moving forward or letting go of the past, it's a common response to not want the former partner to be happy. There can be a sense of wanting to punish the old partner for things they may or may not have done in the relationship.

— Rachel Stapleton, PLLC, mental health therapist

Step 2: Get on the Same Page as Your Husband

High conflict ex-wives intrude into every last fiber of your being and into every last corner of your home. If you have one in your life, then you are all too familiar with that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when your husband or boyfriend lets you know she is at it again. If you let it, the drama will consume you and bury you in a big pile of steaming high-conflict poo.

Tell your boyfriend or husband that the constant drama stresses you out, and tell him you need it to end. Some men take an exceptionally long time to understand the havoc an ex-wife is wreaking on the current relationship. I don't care if you have to use smoke signals: get him to understand what the drama is doing to your well-being, to his well-being, and to your relationship. Most importantly, get him to understand the negative effects the drama is having on the children. Kids are very aware, even from a young age, when mom and dad do not get along. It's up to him to end the drama for his children. He has to stop waiting for the other party to calm down, and he must take action now.

Step 3: Find Someone to Talk To

Like-minded women are out there! In droves! I had no idea that there were so many stepmoms who were in exactly the same position, married to a man with an ex-wife who had vowed to make his life a living hell.

If you have attempted to vent or sob about the crazy in your life and the other person has backed away from you slowly, then you are talking to the wrong people. Adults who have not been stepparents or who do not deal with a high-conflict ex will not understand what you are going through (lucky ducks!).

Spend some time searching for online support forums. Try out a few until you find a group of like-minded women who are a good fit for you. After spending a year lurking online, I started reaching out to some of the women I had met, and now they are real friends. These women are my saviors! When the ex decided to dance on my front porch at 6:30 a.m., they were there for me. When, one week after our wedding, she started mailing photos of her on her wedding night, shots of her wearing. . . well, less than I ever wanted to see. . . these other stepmoms knew exactly what I was going through. I cannot overemphasize the importance of finding friends who really get it and get you.

Stepmom Support

Who do you talk to the most about your stepmom problems?

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Our Family Wizard is a website that offers tools to help reduce conflict.
Our Family Wizard is a website that offers tools to help reduce conflict.

Boundaries are often important; however, you must focus on what you can control, which is yourself.

— Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a licensed psychologist and couples counselor

Step 4: End the Drama

The cycle-o-drama will continue as long as you and your husband let it. It took my husband and me almost four years to figure out how to break the cycle and end the drama. Although these measures may seem drastic or difficult, they are very effective and can be implemented quickly. Remember, the point is not to "win" when it comes to the ex; the point is to minimize the conflict so the children are not exposed to the fighting.

  • If you are personally communicating with the ex, stop. Like stop yesterday. Do not email her, text her, talk to her on the phone, or speak to her in person. In all likelihood, it is not you that she hates. She would hate whatever woman was in your shoes. Remove yourself from her crosshairs. This is easy. Simply quit interacting with her this very second. There are no excuses for communicating with someone who wants to blow your head off with a bazooka on your wedding day.
  • If he can get it ordered through a court, your husband should only communicate with her via email or on a website like Our Family Wizard. He should not text her, talk to her on the phone, or have conversations with her in person. It's easy. Simply stop. What will the ex do? Nothing. She can call all day long, but that does not mean your husband has to answer the phone. Let her leave messages and then email a response if one is needed.
  • Follow the custody agreement exactly as it is written. Do not deviate. Do not switch weekends. Do not do anything not written down on that piece of paper. (See Creating a Parenting Plan When the Ex-Wife Is High-Conflict for examples of how to create a more specific custody agreement.) If everything is followed 100%, that removes much of the back and forth. If your husband has a horrible and vague court order, then it is time to head back to court. If there is any wiggle room, a high-conflict ex will use it to stir up trouble and continue the conflict. In our house, we have a motto or two that get us through: we don't do favors for assholes, and we don't negotiate with terrorists.
  • Go "low contact." Do not respond to anything that does not require a response per the custody agreement or unless it directly relates to the health or safety of the children. Do not write more than four short and direct sentences per email. Today, my husband can get by on as few as four emails per month.

A word of warning: There will be an extinction burst. The bitter ex will use any means necessary to engage and continue the conflict. She will call, text, email, and likely call your husband every name under the sun plus a few made-up ones. Ignore.

My Zen Place
My Zen Place

Step 5: Let It Go

She may be a vindictive, narcissistic, and controlling bully. She might scream and cry and break things, but don't engage. Channel your inner zen place, whether it's the beach, the mountains, or on top of a fluffy cloud.

I can hear the outcries now: "But the children! We have to be the bigger people and try to work with their mother! If we do not switch weekends, they will miss a birthday party or a family reunion! If we keep trying, she will be reasonable." Or (my favorite): "But sometimes she is so reasonable!" Yeah, well, the ex in my life called to offer an extra overnight and then, two weeks later, punched my husband in front of their son. Being reasonable sometimes isn't good enough. You have to accept that, no matter what you do, his ex-wife will hate you.

I do not advocate following these steps because I think they will work. I suggest them because I know they will work. My husband and I are living proof! Now that we have minimized the intrusion of the high-conflict ex-wife in our life, my husband and I can have normal married-people squabbles over things like who left the milk on the counter or why the toilet seat is up. We also saw a positive change in the children, which was the goal of eliminating the crazy in the first place.

Accept the fact you cannot control your ex. She may (albeit unfortunate, immature, and unfair to the children) choose to continue to act in a dramatic manner, but know that you do not have to respond in a dramatic way, nor do you have to participate.

— Rachel Stapleton, PLLC, mental health therapist

Can You Get a Restraining Order Against His Ex-Wife? Are There Legal Solutions?

You have many legal options if he and his ex didn't have children. But if they did, your legal options are limited. When kids are involved, you'll have to follow the court orders precisely, and if there is shared custody, there will have to be at least some communication. You might get restraining or anti-harassment orders, but it's hard to get a court to issue these when parents share custody. If you have a good case, you might win, but you might need a good lawyer.

  • An anti-harassment order is a type of civil court-ordered restraining order that's available only to victims of harassment.
  • A restraining order (also called an order of protection) might help establish boundaries in a violent situation. They can put more limits on a harasser's actions and might help if you have been threatened and feel like you or the children could be in danger. There is usually no cost to file these. You can get the forms from a courthouse. Police officers not enforce these orders.
  • A civil injunction is the divorce court's version of a personal protection order. They usually require both parents to desist from disparaging one another, in front of their kids or anywhere else. They can also prevent exes from talking to or appearing at the other’s home unannounced. Police officers will not enforce these orders.

Either way, if you involve the courts, you'll probably also need to file a petition to make a major modification of the parenting plan.

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    • profile image

      Kate 11 hours ago

      I am so happy “that. “boyfriend is back” he left me 6 months ago. but with the help of dr_mack@ yahoo. com“ my relationship was restored instantly. Kate—–“

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      erikalynn22 25 hours ago

      Someone please help my husband's ex-wife is a psycho they have a 10 year old together and I get to co-parent thing but she has taken it to the next level she constantly texts horrible text messages everyday she has even went as far as putting a Tracker in our vehicle and when my husband and I go out she immediately starts calling or texting saying That we need to come and get him right now when we had just Dropped him off to her again and that if we don't come right now and get him we will never see him again my husband and I have not went and done anything together for almost 7 months because of this what do I do about this please help

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      DJ 37 hours ago

      Just to put things in perspective for you all, the ex wife meets a guy and its okay for the kids to call him dad but dad meets a beautiful woman and she’s the evil stepmom even when she treats the kids better than there real mother, who only uses the kids as pawns and then carries that same crazy bitch behavior to blackmail the kids when the grand kids arrive.

      I have been married for 25years and my ex wife is still jealous about my wife and I seeing our grandchildren if she hasn’t, she then abuses the kids about us seeing them by way of poisenpen text messages and derogative remarks about our Daughter in law.

      This woman is an absolute menace to society,

      She is absolutely phsycotic, neurotic, deceitful, narcissistic, vindictive and has a very controlling and possessive nature and will stoop to the greatest lows to gain sympathy from others for her misgivings and poor behavior, and I’m confident there are plenty out there like her.

      These types of woman are a complete waste of space and precious air that we breathe and ought to be locked up in the Physio wards they belong in and the key thrown away so that the peace loving society can carry on with there well deserved peaceful lives,

      after all putting up with their crap is just a time consuming waste of space, and I know my wife’s and my time will not be wasted on these type’s of people but will be spent seeing as much of the kids and grandkids as we like and if the other side don’t like it .

      TOUGH LUCK

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      dani 3 days ago

      First of all, you are not the "step" mom. You are dad's new girlfriend or new wife. The kids have a mom and its not you. Even if the "real" mom is crazy, she is still the "real" mom and is the only one who deserves the "mom" title.

      TryingMyBest--his son is not your boy. Back off and stop posting on social media that he is. You have no right to any claim on that child. If you had any amount of class, you would realize that. And your new husband, if he truly cared about his kid, should have the balls to tell you that.

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      Di 5 days ago

      I don’t know but if my supposedly going to be husband has drama in his life with an ex. I wouldn’t waste my time with any of them.

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      Vivi 6 days ago

      Wow! thank you so much! I am new to this stepmom thing...I started dating my husband a year ago and we got married two months ago. He has a 6 year old boy who is a sweetheart and we get along well, but his ex is quite the piece of work. We're having such a hard time with all of the crazy bullshit she pulls on a regular basis..and its causing friction between the two of us. I am trying to figure out how to deal with all of it and am feeling overwhelmed, so it really helps to know there are other people in my situation!

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      Moelowe 7 days ago

      This has helped me so much ! The ex wife I’m dealing with and the one you’re dealing with MUST be related

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      PearliePenny 7 days ago

      It was such a relief to read all of your comments as I have felt very alone dealing with a 'bat shit crazy' partner's ex girlfriend who very likely has BPD.

      I live in an isolated rural location in England, having moved from a provincial city (I'm a city girl at heart!) with my children and having escaped an emotionally and financially abusive marriage that took years and therapy to overcome. I met a wonderful older man who is without doubt the love of my life but who has a terrible and heart-bleeding past. He is a very kind and generous person and he was suckered in time and again.All three of his previous partners serially cheated on him. His most recent relationship finally ended in early 2012 when his ex (aged 38 at the time) ran off with a 54 year old farmer and left him, alone, at the age of 58 on a remote farm with two children and a teenager. I strongly believe the reason she left them behind - apart from the fact her new partner didn't want them - was because it gave her the perfect excuse to continue making his life a misery by trespassing in the home she had left and making demands about how the children should be looked after.. Over the 22 years of their relationship she had a dozen or so affairs but she always managed to persuade him that her heart would have broken (one apologetic letter stated that she 'would proberly [sic.] kill myself' if he left her) if he'd ended it and in any case he couldn't give up on the children whom he knew were damaged by her and her behaviour - she is also an alcoholic. So he lived in misery for years and I know some people might say he didn't have to put up with it - but he did and I, for one, know what it is like to be unable to 'move' and to despair at someone else's behaviour and at the same time feel pity for them as there is always a reason why someone behaves the way they do and it is usually childhood trauma.

      When I met him in late 2013 he was just about coping and as I had previously lost my home (and my job!) during my divorce settlement it was decided that we three (my two children and I) would come and live with him and his three children in a large, run down farmhouse that he rented from an old agricultural estate. Now I'm just a normal person who never imagined what a hornet's nest I was walking into! Before my children had even visited the house, when I was trying to clear one of the unoccupied bedrooms so that my children could stay for a few days, his ex barged into the house, screaming and ranting and saying how dare I touch hers and her children's things! She had left the home two years previously after a three year affair. She then stormed into the bedroom that I shared with my partner at weekends and started scrabbling around under the bed! I was completely horrified and he was in tears. She would leave written notices on the front door saying he was not to spend any of her children's[?] money on me [actually she referred to me as 'that thing']. To cut a long story short.... she easily turned at least two of her children against me to the point where the two of the children didn't come on a longed for family holiday with us as she had persuaded them that I was not allowed to take her children (aged 14 and 15) on holiday with their father (she had already turned them against their father as she had told her children lies for a year before she left about how he was violent and adulterous as this gave her an excuse to run away with someone else. She was too uneducated to realize that no mother in her right mind would leave her children with a violent, adulterous father! But she did and of course her traumatized children, when she finally left one day with no notice, were abandoned by her and left with a father they no longer trusted or respected!). The result was a hostile and toxic environment where I was too constrained to voice any concerns because my partner had already had several lifetimes worth of stress and couldn't handle any conflict whatsoever. I was unable to do anything to stop the barrage of abusive phone messages from the ex along with handwritten bullet point letters about how we were bullies and pieces of s**t. One letter threatened to run us over with a tractor!. It was very hard to think about doing anything legal as her children lived in the house and their father was desperate not to do anything to de-stabilize and alienate them further. I have kept all of the letters and phone messages as evidence - as well as the tens of letters she wrote to my partner while she was still in a relationship with him in which she apologized for her latest affair and/or her abusive behaviour and told him over and over again that he didn't deserve to be treated like that by her as he had never been anything but kind and loving to her. When she found out that he still had these letters she went ballistic as it refuted all the lies she had told everyone about him. He tried to show one to his youngest daughter who was at that point 16 but she refused to look at them, saying that he had probably written all those letters himself. Worryingly this daughter shows almost all the same behaviours as her mother.

      I don't want to bore anyone with too much sordid detail but just want to say perhaps the scariest incident was when she entered the house when neither of us were there (unfortunately the farm house had a stable door that couldn't be secured front the outside - we have since built a porch with a locking front door - but this was of no use if the children were in the house as they would just let her in and attempts at forbidding her to come to the house would have made it look like we were stopping her from seeing her children) and planted fake emails on my partner's computer based email account to make it look like he was contacting women in an s&m chat room. Fortunately my partner and I had spent that day together about 50 miles away. It was designed to pull us apart - along with all the other manipulations.

      One final thing: the ex managed to steal about £6,500 worth of goods from the house - usually, we think with the collusion of her children. She stole antiques that were my partner's family heirlooms (and therfore absolutely nothing to do with her especially as they were not married) as well as small personal items like his birth certificate, school reports and prizes. She also stole (during the time he was dating me and before I moved in) the twin tanks for his beloved Harley Davidson as well as the number plate and his bike licence. Has anyone else got stories of similar peri and post relationship theft?? I have heard it is quite common with sociopaths. All this from the woman who had had an affair and left him - not the other way round!!

      It has all affected me much more than it should and I keep having to remind myself to distance myself from the ongoing drama. I is quieter now that that the eldest boy has moved to the US and got married; the second son tries to ignore his mother and the daughter has, aged 16, moved away from us to live with her mother. The worst thing I did was try to talk to some people about it all - having moved a long way away from old friends and family - as these people were locals who ultimately let the ex know I was talking about (and being judgmental) about her - I just couldn't help it at the time and so I was subjected to a load more abuse from her. I have learnt not to say anything to anyone - I can't trust anyone except my partner. Of course I have learnt the hard way that the best way to deal with these people is to ignore them; totally; not talk about them; not respond to them verbally or in writing. To not engage in any way. And to buy expensive locks.

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      Barb Vandersteen 8 days ago

      My husband’s ex-wife from 30 years ago still refers to his mother as mom and ma! They had no children together they haven’t spoken to each other since the divorce yet she wishes her happy birthday mom and or any occasion continues to call her ma! Are my husband and I wrong for feeling she should not call her Ma and we feel she should call her by her first name ?

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      Seven Stevens 12 days ago from Indiana

      I knew I wasn't the only one, my husband used to sit and listen to his ex-wife for 30 minutes go on about all kinds of craziness. None of it had to do with parenting their daughter. Finally, I asked him, why do allow her to keep her craziness "alive", don't talk to her. After a year of pleading I finally convinced him to only use text messages to communicate with her. I also told him if her text messages do not directly relate to the care of their daughter, do not reply. Since then things have been much better. Thanks for the great article, yes these methods definitely work!

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      Mary ann 12 days ago

      My boy friend pays his ex-wife alimoney what do I do

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      lisa 12 days ago

      I read this article regarding partner's ex wives. I however am the old wife and my ex's partner insists on interfering with all parenting, communication etc and she is a mean hostile woman. I have asked for her to stop writing to me when I am communicating via email and both she and my ex say that they are a team and share everything and I have to deal with it. However being called names etc is something I do not feel i have to deal with and after six years I am frankly tired of it. Is there something I can do?? Lately when I asked her to remove herself from the porch when she came to get the kids (who are older and do not like her and were arguing about why they did not have to go while I had been charming them into why it was good for them to go...) she asked me to push her so that she had a reason to break me in half. I look forward to any article you might provide.

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      TryingMyBest 13 days ago

      Thank you for posting this. I usually never comment on things but this was so helpful. I’m in a relationship with someone who has a child from previous relationship (I use that word loosely) I love the child as my own and try to step up and do for him what I would do for my own child. The mother has always been an issue for my boyfriend since the child was born. However until recently she seemed “resonable”. She is now mad that I have posted things like “look at our boy” when posting and tagging my bf in post. I never want to replace her as his mother but I will of course love and treat this child like my own. She recently blew up on my bf and called me every name in the book. The bf isn’t worried and says it’s normal for her. I have been trying to shake my unpleasant feelings and worries about “what is she going to do next”. After reading this I can now make some peace. I appreciate this post so much.

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      lyn88 2 weeks ago

      My stepson before he went back to the Philippines in 2013 or 2014 we lived together for a couple of months and during those days he is already doing some drugs but I don't know exactly what kind....maybe Marijuana? I really don't know if he is only a user or a dealer at the same time. I don't have any evidence right now and I don't know how can I prove it but this person is very dangerous. He's coming back now in US but two weeks ago he was convicted in the Philippines for using drugs but was bailed out. You know in the Philippines everything is all about money. Now my concern is I don't want this person to enter in our lives anymore. Just in case how and where can I report him. Since this person has an issue of drug abuse he might destroy my family and I don't want it to happen that might end up with serious trouble or hurt someone. His mother (my husband's ex) is trying to protect him. This guy is already 30 years old and every time he is in trouble the mother is always asking for money from my husband to help him. Legally as far as I know she doesn't have the right anymore to demand anything from my husband since their son is no longer a minor kid my husband has no more responsibility with him specially if he is in trouble related to drugs. She is abusing us so please tell me where to find help do I need to get a lawyer or something to stop her from abusing us. Should I tell or go the police station regarding family issues? The thing is "this guy" is still my husband's son I don't know what to do but he is a threat to our family.

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      Andrea 2 weeks ago

      Want to thank all of you folks for your stories. I was married to a narcissist amongst other issues and thought I’d seen it all till I met my now husbands ex wife. WOW, she takes crazy to whole new level. I have been off of my high blood pressure pills due to life changes for my health for about 3 months. This week had to start taking them again because of the stress of his ex. She holds my step sons hostage and makes it look like she’s protecting them from us. I could write books about her and what she’s done and said over the last 2 years. The boys tell me everything, I think that’s a good sign. They trust me and know I love and accept them for who they are. So things they were telling me/is that have been going on over the last 5 months was getting worse and worse. We ended up calling DCS (cps), the middle boy who has introduced things to my little one because they were introduced to it at their new step dads house has reaked havoc. That said boy has now changed his story to his mom and sh won’t allow the boys in our home cuz they are not physically and mentally safe. All of which my husband has tried to talk to her about in the past. We have to meet with her and her new husband in order for us to just get the oldest one who is 10 and begs to live with us every time he comes. I am so sick to my stomach and my head feels like it’s floating. She refuses to meet with us and the case manager or an officer. There’s so much more but don’t have the time nor energy to get into it. My husband informed her that we would be recording the conversation. She replied with good to know! See you then. Help!!

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      Rhonda 3 weeks ago

      My husbands daughter who is 20.. her mother and grandmother all live in the same house.. all 3 of them all get odsp. The ex wife constantly txts him or calls him for money. My husband and I are tired of the situation. He has finally blocked the ex wife from his phone. Hopefully now she will get the hint. The saddest part is that she only contacts him for money..that is all.

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      Jerry 3 weeks ago

      Any advice on how to deal with the bat shit crazy ex when she decides (after you have limited all contact like you suggest) to employ the kids as her WMD. Everyone has advice yet I (nor any other person i have met in the same position, mostly extremelly stressed men, and a few women) have never been given advice which helps or stops the easy target of manipulating kids to really screw a person over. For me the brutality intensifed, where the kids were sufferiing at great cost to their emotional wellbeing. I had to find ways to

      1. Cope

      2. Alleviate the stress for the kids.

      I don't think there is a great understanding or real help - espc when men are the victims.

      A DVO was/is not viable for me as the ex is a great manipulator. And will charm the pants of anyone, all whilst letting people think she is the victim and I am the evil aggressive controlling perpetrator.

      Any advice on that one?

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      Diane 3 weeks ago

      I have been married to my husband for 30 years. Daughter from first marriage now has a child who will be turning 1, and she thinks we should all get along at 1st birthday party for the baby. Ex wife has threatened to kill me and our own two kids over the years, and I'm suppose to act like nothing happened because she is maniac depressive, schito, etc. etc. I did the wedding, don't need to be under the same roof with the ex every again! My husband does not seem to understand my anger!!!! Poor daughter has to compromise all the time, really? Not my fault her mom is loco

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      General Question 4 weeks ago

      Why go to the trouble of securing a order the police will not enforce?

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      AGL 4 weeks ago

      I was annulled from an alcoholic exwife who turned me into an essentially single dad even while we were still married. I payed all the bills despite her work, took care of the baby and did all the major chores. What few chores remained I had to hire help for which I payed entirely myself as well. I finally caught her with another man in her hotel room and it went downhill faster from there. She blackmailed me for 3months by hiding my daughter from me and I saw my daughter deteriorate medically until I sued her. She counterfiled annulment but still retained custody because of the biased local laws for minors. She now continues to harass me and new wife using my first daughters visitations as a medium for sending insults and curses. Sadly, the court is the only way to crush any and all attacks from an ex. Document, video, record and then compile any and every harassing detail she does to you and file it as one overpowering story of years of torture. The story holds more water if it is filed in conjunction with your partner who is more of a victim than you are thanks to the lack of history between them. Isolate yourself but also record all violations and legally retaliate with full force. It is a sad truth that for many of these bitter exes, the only way to stop them is by creating painful legal repercussions they cannot bear each time they harass you in any way. That’s from my experience so far. Good luck to you all.

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      Brett Brunett 5 weeks ago

      David Hill I am in the same position as you.

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      Twilight 6 weeks ago

      And just as often, it can be the ex husband/bf that is high conflict. My ex married about 5 yrs ago..and when I told him that I was getting married recently, he immediately went & filed for full custody. I am fighting against money & his family, which is the only thing that makes him powerful. My 14 yr old child has never even made a B while I have been the custodial parent..apparently, this doesn't matter. The fact that the only unexcused absences on record are on his time this last 3 months even with text proof that he didn't even know where the child was make no difference when a person has money to drag a decent parent thru the legal system with harassment tactics. Ex didn't even allow our child to attend my wedding, planned a bon fire with all her friends on my new husbands birthday when we had family dinner plans. None of it apparently matters. It is ALL how much money you have to fight. Proof of false allegations in the original motion filed by Ex..doesn't matter. Signed mediated agreement that ex refuses to sign & wants to back out of now that he found his CS is going up even though he was the one that started it all...doesn't matter. Telling the child to lie to me..doesn't matter.

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      Nonya 7 weeks ago

      This article is for the completely self-absorbed. Number 2 is just plain stupid. A man has absolutely no control over what his ex-wife does.. Or his current wife for that matter. Making him responsible for your feelings is abusive and you deserve to be divorced too.

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      Max 8 weeks ago

      How can I ever ancknowlege the woman who partially ruined my family? He cheated, and she informed me. Co peranting with Her? Never. My children will never refer to her as my “ stepmom” that is something that need to be earned.

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      SJordan11 8 weeks ago

      What has been the hardest for me to understand is the psychotic behavior of someone who didn't want to be with him anymore! She doesn't want HIM, she just wants someone to pay her bills and take care of her house, and let her spend his money, so why cant she just move on and be thankful she doesn't have to put up with such a "POS" in her life anymore. Good riddance you would think. But no...she spends all of her day and night with the "hate texting", which he never responds to but she usually manages to make him feel bad by threatening to keep the kids away from him, or how he has "ruined everyone's life" and the kids are going to be so screwed up. And all she does is cause the kids to worry and stress all the time by telling them that they are going to be poor now and they will never have anything again. And that because of their dad, she cannot buy groceries, and so they will always be hungry now. "Its your dad's fault that you cant have this or that". Such a Beeotch. He gives her a lot of money every month but she wont spend it on them. She has to get her hair done and nails and clothes etc. Total POS mother. She bought a house in the middle of the divorce without talking to him about it first and then whined that she didnt have the 20% down payment and so he gave her 30k, BUT instead of putting the 20% down, she put 10% down and used the other money to get her boobs fixed! And she cant understand why he doesn't want to get back together?? But continues trying to poison the kids against him and he is a good dad. She has started texting me now, but I refuse to engage with her. She refuses to move the rest of her stuff out of the house so she always has an excuse to come over there. She goes in the house when he is not home and looks through all of his stuff and even steals things that he has just purchased, right down to the salt on the table! She goes thru the drawers and looks for receipts of money he has spent on me and then hate texts him about what he got me for xmas. He is getting the locks changed finally. She saw me at the store one day and assaulted me. I had bruises on my arm where she dug her claws in and grabbed me. She keeps texting me that she cannot wait until we meet again etc. She told my boyfriend that she must not have scared me enough at the store and she will have to try harder. Gaaaah! I dont know how long i will be able to do this. I really love him...we have known each other for 20 years and he was my boyfriend then but we married different people and had kids etc but now we are both divorced and I believe we have a second chance for a reason. But I try to live a drama free life now. I am trying to avoid getting the police involved bcuz of the kids. She is very unstable though. I am going to send this article to him and see if we can try these things. It cant hurt...thanks for sharing.

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      Anne 8 weeks ago

      Thanks so much for this! You have given great advice and I am somewhat calmed by your observation that there are so many psychotic exes out there. Adding to the anger, even if the ex is being outrageous and aggressive does not help. Step away. Step away.

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      Jay 2 months ago

      I have been divorced now for 10 years. Since my kids were 2,4 .. I have basically always had a really bad relationship with my ex wife. Mostly over kids and my new fiance. My ex wife hates my fiance with her guts and has for the last 8 years. Has gotten so much negativity into kids head about my new fiance it's ridiculous. From " fiance isn't there mother " she can't tell kids anything, or discipline them . Unless it's convenient for my ex wife. She always threatens me to go back to court for custody. I'm so sick of it. Can't deal with it anymore. Any advice? Basically I know I'm a good father but the thought of going to court and possibly losing time with my kids literally scares the hell out of me. ..

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      Recovering dad 2 months ago

      I wrote and deleted an essay lol. But let me get to the point.

      Ex wife is an abusice narc. In every way imaginable, including physical, environmental, emotional etc. Anyone reading can probably relate. She needs to control every single aspect of daughter's life (and used to be the same with mine until I escaped)

      Daughter is 13 and swims competitively... the kind of swimming where parents demand their kids make it to the Olympics... I hate the culture surrounding this sport. I think it can be very damaging for kids unless the parents can check themselves. Ex wife is about as bad as you can get. Conditional love, emotionally abusive punishment for not making PR times etc. She's thrown her towel on the floor and made her pick it up and told her she deserves it because she is wasting her time etc. this is all just what I remember from two years plus ago when I was still with ex wife. It's ruined swimming for daughter.

      Anyway, daughter and I have both made big strides since the divorce. I'm really proud of her and the more-free person she is becoming. She's finally starting to feel safe around me and is starting to realize that mom is not God incarnate. She's starting to explore other interests etc. she tells me constantly that she hates swimming and wants to quit. She refuses to go to practices. I really try my best to encourage her to stick with it, but the truth is the more free she becomes when she's with me the less she wants to swim. I truly think it's her way of testing to see if it's safe to be honest with a parent about how she feels about swimming. She wouldn't dare defy her mother, and for two years was afraid to defy her by proxy when she was with me. Now the truth is coming out.

      At swim meets, on weekends she's with me, she sits with mom. These last all day. Mom still controls everything. I feel like the assertive thing to do is somehow not allow it to continue to happen...but on the other hand, daughter is very dependent on mom for controlling every aspect of her swim meets. It's bad for her long term, but it's all she knows. I don't know how to stop it. By saying anything to daughter, or by demanding daughter stays with me at meets,I feel like I'm just putting daughter more in the middle. Like I'm showing her she is a prize to be fought over and that it goes against the freedom I've been working hard for two years on trying to instill in her.

      Any advice is appreciated.

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      Latisha 2 months ago

      I met the love of my wife t

      'll the ex wife destroyed what he feared the most . Now I'm being harassed and my personal life violated . our relationship went from the best to distrust with him being told i can't be around his children. My question is should I just let go being that she has made several statements that I was being used or should I just stick it out now that she's told him I'm not trust worthy

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      Leah 2 months ago

      Thank you Alice - this is some great advice. I am glad I came across your article.

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      Ashley 2 months ago

      Oh I forgot to add!.. We have Mediation next week on my 31st Birthday.. February 9th. I don't know whether I should laugh or cry!

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      Ashley 2 months ago

      I met my husband in EMT class. We are married now. We have been together for 12 years.. Will be 13 years this October 2018. It was love at first sight. Then the ex-wife started texting him, asking him if she could meet me. They have a son together. I kept telling him that I don't want to meet her. I was always a very quiet, smart, and shy person. Didn't want any drama in my life bc I was busy in college and finally found the person I knew I was going to marry. He told me that she cheated on him and was a drunk. I found out that it was true bc she cheated on her second ex husband and went to jail for being drunk and hitting a cop. They (she and her second ex husband) have two kids together and we found out that she also cheated on her second ex ON THEIR HONEYMOON on a cruise. He couldn't find her for 5 hours and then found her with another man in a different room. ..So she and my husband were divorced for two years already before I met him in class. So one day he and I were at the college and she started circling around us in her car. He got a text from her. She was of course asking to meet me. So then I was like "no..ummm is that her Mazda circling around us? He was like yes. So then I was like "fine I'll meet her".. But knew this was a bad idea. So I met her there in the middle of the street. She was obviously jealous bc as we were walking away she called him over to her asking about their son. It was obviously a stupid question she asked, bc my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband, said "what????" She was just looking for something to say to bring the focus to herself. So we walked off holding hands and after that day.. She got worse. Me and my husband started coaching my step sons tball team, and she showed up, and right in front of me, she handed her dad a piece of paper to give to me.. And it was about a husband and wife..it said something like this "I'm the MAN of the house and I demand a hot dinner when I get home etc.. and who is going to comb my hair? And the wife said "the funeral director." I showed it to my husband bc he was standing behind me and neither of us thought it was funny. It seemed odd and demented that she would hand me this in the middle of tball practice. She is suing us now bc she hasn't seen her son in two years and is blaming us. She left her son alone in a hotel room for 12 hours (step son counted the hours), and my husband told her she can't see him anymore, bc he was afraid for their sons life. She disappeared for two years. She didn't try to even see her son at school ARD meetings (he has Autism) or lunch or soccer games. It's such a crazy situation for me to be in. I wish I never met her. She is crazy and jealous and can't be trusted. She also waited to sue us and take us to court right after we bought our first house. We also have custody bc she made him miss 87 days of school.

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      Camilla 2 months ago

      This is the best advice on dealing with a combative ex-wife. My husband had a few years of this sort of behaviour and I was threatened several times resulting in police involvement.

      In the end my husband had a zero tolerance on any communication except in writing and only concerning the health or welfare of the children. He refused to speak or return calls or texts, no matter what the subject and no matter how provocative. He never deviated from the Court agreed arrangements over contact. It was overwhelmingly in his children's best interests for it to be that way. She eventually stopped. You don't have to be terrorised in your children's best interests. You must do whatever leads to the greatest stability and peace for them. In some cases this means that you must work hard not to engage or fan the flames of madness and aggression, by indulging in communication with somebody who just wants to hurt you.

      Although I was involved in several legal and police processes over her harassment of me, I have never met his ex-wife face to face. I did not go to my step-sons wedding last year in order to save him the stress of 'what might happen' and I didn't want his special day overshadowed. My husband has just received a message from his ex saying that it would be much better if we could all be together in one room for the sake of the children once the new grandchild arrives later this month. I was speechless!!! Pity it's taken 20 years to figure it out!

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      Sally 2 months ago

      Last year I met this wonderful man. He was really upfront about his life, his (ex)wife (they are not yet divorced) and his children.

      Dating a separated/divorced or man with kids has always been a dealbreaker for me, so before we started dating we talked a lot about what he’s looking for, how the ex feels about it, the children’s feelings. As it was a new situation for me, and him, i felt cautious but confident we could make a go of it.

      At first it was amazing, we are very good together, and with our work schedules he could still see the kids mostly every day and make time for our relationship as well. It seemed to be working really well.

      Fast forward to just before Christmas when he had a date with me but I heard nothing from him as he was arguing with his ex. This made me feel really uneasy and I explained that if that was going to happen he should contact me, or really walk away and continue when they were both calm again another day. He never told her about us, but he lives on a small island where I would visit and even though we would be really cautious someone could have easily spotted me getting into his car etc. On top of this she demands he does EVERYTHING for her, even down to the fact he has to pump fuel into her car as she refuses and says without him doing it she won’t be able to take the kids to school etc....she’s in her 30’s, and lives on the same street sans her partents and siblings, surely they could help? So all of a sudden he’s not there on her demands, so every time he sees the kids she’s fighting with him, then she started to make up lies. She lied about the nativity play times for the kids performance so he missed it and then told him it was because she was so pissed off at him...!!!

      Christmas comes and I’m away with my family and he spends it with the kids at the family home. His communication in this time with me drops off and then when I talk to him he’s very withdrawn and sounds depressed.

      After one whole day of her telling him that he’s ruined the children’s lives because he’s happy he tells me he had to make a decision of weather to be happy which means he’s being selfish, or be unhappy and not selfish. I start to feel really worried I will lose him, but after my vacation I come back and everything seems great again... until I work all weekend and he spends al that time with her and the kids and I don’t hear anything. I asked if he can have the kids by himself but she refuses and tells him that she will poison the kids again him.

      We had a strained week and then I see him the other day and he tells me that even though he loves me and be haloy with me, his feelings can’t be a priority as that’s him being a terrible father, and happiness makes him feel guilty. I ask him if anyone has been saying anything to him about this (I don’t mention the ex’s poisonous words) and he says no it’s all his decision, but he forgets all the screenshots I’ve seen of her words so I know what she’s doing to him.

      I’m the first person he’s dated and I love him very much but now feel so hurt and confused. I really can’t see how him being happy would result in unhappy children. He says he’s scared to lose me and wants to be friends (I refuse on the grounds it’s not healthy) and still insists he’s coming on a holiday I have planned in the summer...?!?

      He then also told me that he’s realised that for the children’s sake he cannot date until they have left Home....and that the best way for him to deal wth his emotions is to stop seeing me as happiness has interfered with his life.

      I haven’t contacted him since and don’t really know what’s to do. My friends think he just needs to stand up to his ex wife.

      Should I try bd contact him and be friends? Should I just stay away? Any advice?!

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      Anonymous 3 months ago

      My husbands ex has tried everything in the book to keep their daughter away from him. Now she is trying to pull me into the equation. All of the sudden she doesn't want me to pick her up when he can't. I just don't understand how a person can hate their life so much that they do their best to try and destroy yours.

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      Adriana Tristan 3 months ago

      It looks like I'm heading there in 6 months. Long distance never met the ex and she's already making plans to come over whether he is there or not.

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      Lisa Larson-Cox 3 months ago from Lake Havasu City, Arizona

      We have the kids

      I am a step parent to 2 boys. My husband had these boys since I met him, they were 5 and 7.

      They are now 13 & 15, and bio mom has been a nightmare (well she has always been) but more so since we got married.

      I have a long story and I am sure we all do, but after my husband and I (along with the boys) came back from our destination wedding, ex wife wanted to try for custody of the boys AGAIN... well lets just say she managed 2 go to rehab twice, and get thrown in jail for DUI as well, in those 3 years aka $60,000.00 worth of attorney bills for us time period.

      I don't want to complain about mom here because most of us can relate to the craziness of someone like the mom in my story.

      I want to rant about the legal system for letting this crazy lady wreak havoc in our lives when ever she can get someone to pay for her attorney, when we can no longer afford one.

      I want to cry about the fact that I don't have the strength to let it go anymore, to stay strong believe in God's power and what is meant to be will be.

      I just feel like I can't be involved in this anymore, I cant be here for my husband anymore. She is winning and I know that. I am giving her everything she wants and failing myself, my husband and my step children in the process.

      This makes me disgusted in myself.

      My husband was awarded legal decision making a 1 1/2 years (in Arizona they don't have the term "custody" , finally when she was caught drinking with the kids in her visitation (which was a violation of her parenting time).

      Here it is though the boys are getting older and they have their own issues as young teens.

      How can I go on with this when I just feel that I can't anymore? I know 80% of myself only stays because of the feelings that my husband and the children would have if I left.

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      Katie Hopkins 3 months ago

      I have a partner who has a wife still

      There still not divorced and have been with him now 2 years plus living with him. His ex has done nothing but make me feel worthless as his partner and now have a court order for him and still manages to cause havoc we argue so much about this as I do not get it at all. I have two children myself. She still wears her engagement ring

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      Wife to be 3 months ago

      At last i saw people who was having the same problem as i am.

      I had a nasty incidents with the ex wife, im already at my limits not to fight back. She had cheated on my man for the third time and the last time she already got knocked up. And thats the reason my man said enough, no longer saving the marriage it for the sake of the kids.

      Im totally pissed of with her, the typical scamming filipina, my husband already gaver her almost all the things he worked hard for, and still keep on harrassing us using the kids. and now she is dragging my husband in a death threat with her married lover.

      I cant help but wish she just fall on the ground dead!

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      Shawn 3 months ago

      Wow! Sounds so much like my ex. Unfortunately police do not like to enforce the custody orders even when it is on paper in front of them. It happened to me and it was dreadful and not being able to see your children is heartbreaking. I have some advice for the unfortunate ones of vengeful ex's who are like this - ask for a watch commander immediately if the officer is not willing to help you, but ALWAYS try to get your ex to show up and communicate with them before calling the 5-0 (if they're like my ex, they will either ignore you or get belligerent). Print your papers out for custody AND print your state's penal code showing the code of the law for "custodial interference". ALWAYS tell the police you want to press charges immediately and you want a warrant issued for an arrest based on the penal code in your state and that you intend to follow up with the prosecuting district attorney and would like their information. If the police fail to help you (most of them do), tell them you want the police report, their names and badge numbers, and tell them that since you don't know where your children are (because they sure aren't where they're supposed to be), that you will be calling the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and escalating the matter federally - and yes, they do have a 24/7 hotline. This attracts attention at a federal level where the FBI becomes involved and I guarantee they will be kicking the police in the butt to get them moving or showing up to you instead of the police. Your child instantly becomes the center of a manhunt underway when you initiate this action. And when they ask if you called the local police you can say you did and they didn't offer any relief to help you, therefore you had nowhere else to turn.

      After you get your child(ren), instantly file a contempt of court motion (emergency orders and Restraining order including the child on it), change of custody to full or extremely limited custody or supervised visitation only, new child support papers, and then call into court by subpeona the police officers who refused to help you before the hearing. You want to bring them to the stand and ask them WHY they did not bother to enforce the order the judge signed and I would go so far as to ask that charges of contempt be brought to those officers as well before they leave the court room. This is about the only way to deal with these types of ex's. If you've read this before it happens to you, then you're in luck, but a lot of the time, it takes it happening to you a time or two. But it is a golden card to parents who get cheated by their ex and for finding a way to counter-act bad police.

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      Sound advice... 3 months ago

      Thank you for this insightful article and the comments from "Not My Circus of Monkeys..."

      I could not have expressed it better myself. I'm in the same position and we can no longer continue to be part of the cycle of crazy my husband's ex insists on living in at the risk of hurting the son we have together, our life, our marriage. My stepdaughter has lied, twice, to get her mother to call CPS and her mother has been waiting and threatening to jump at the chance to try and hurt me for years. I'm done. It has been a very painful process but there is no way to live with the constant abuse and threats from his ex, and my stepdaughter is too afraid of her mother to do anything else. I feel that at this point, the ex can have the "loyalty" she had been raging about from her daughter, stop punishing her whenever she felt threatened by me, and we can be left to live our life in peace and health. It has been 8 years and I finally realized it was time "to drop the rope" and protect my family and marriage. I'm still in a state of shock that it had to come to this.

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      Not my circus or monkeys... 3 months ago

      We dropped the rope 10 years ago. The child was playing into the mother's games, and I told my husband I was done. I'd always been willing to help before- with transport, being with the child during his time if he wasn't quite off work (and the ex tried to make a big deal out of it until my husband pointed out how often ex left the child with her then husband. All complaints about me on that front stopped.) - and when the child lied for the ex, I said nope. Not in my house.

      What if the child lied about me out of anger, or the ex's direction, or whatever? I'd potentially face problems and inquiries about MY kids.

      That was when it ended, for me. That child is not mine, and has no respect for their father or the rest of his family - and the child and the ex are not my problem. I have to advocate for MY kids.

      My husband called ex and child on the lies. They told him to F off.

      Done. We wish them great joy together. The kids can't help that their mom is hateful and crazy, but I didn't marry the woman or have kids with her and my kids are my priority when up against her.

      I'm sad for my husband and his child that a mean, sick woman has ruined it for them- but at some point, you have to care for your own vs continuing to hurt for another.

      Our lives are better without the worry, stress, anger, and feeling of always walking a tight rope. Ex and the child have continued in their negative, drama-laden ways. I feel for the child, because mom has a death grip. And the child can't get away, but must proclaim publicly how much they love mom and all her antics.

      Sad, yes. But no longer my circus or monkeys. I can't save the monkeys or stop them from constantly flinging shit.

      So drop the rope, back away, and take care of your kids and your marriage.

      Good luck to all still in the trenches.

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      HibiscusKitty427 4 months ago

      Wow, this is so much like our sad lives. Thanks for the article! I found it extremely helpful to know my family isn't the only ones going through this, by the terrorist as you so call these kinds of birth mothers.

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      Kay 4 months ago

      Common sense- obviously you have never been in a situation like this.

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      Common-sense 4 months ago

      Just a thought but, have you ever considered you are crazy? Why are you bothing with a man who has a child with someone else? Have you thought about the child? Maybe you should step away and let THEIR family work it out? Whether as friends or partner's? Women like you are JUST as insane. Get over your self and stop writing entire ridiculous blogs about a problem that really isn't your problem. *This message is not intended for crazy exs with out kids. Clearly there is a difference.

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      lisaisdrivingusnuts 4 months ago

      Help. My husband and I have been ignoring, his ex's calls and texts for seven years. She hasn't stopped harassing us, and recently tried to assault me in front of their 2 daughters. It's too much to handle on a day to day basis.

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      Jill37 4 months ago

      Yey, I finally found my people! It is going on 5 years now and I have at last given up waiting for her to 'come around'. I have also come to accept her right to hate me. While these may seem like small steps, they were hard-won victories for my own peace of mind. Many people have mentioned looking for a support group. Here are a few:

      Secondwivescafe.com

      Stepchick.ning.com

      Steptogether.org

      Childlessstepmoms.org

      Stepmomsonamission.org

      Stepsforstepmothers.com

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      Crazy for trying 4 months ago

      What if your husband can't not answer the phone from the ex ? He still honors her even though she left him . Hell , after being with him for 4 years he told me today that he has their dishes stored up in the attic in case the kids want them or we can use them in our cabin we want to get one day !!!!!

      Some men enable the exes bad behavior and there's nothing you can do .

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      Bonus Mom 4 months ago

      WOW! This article really hit home and the struggle is so real. My husband allows his ex-wife to control soo much. She claims everything she does is in the kids best interest and it isn't about money, but she is truly just hurting the kids and I worry about their mental health. The only time she is good is when it benefits her. She is literally making our lifes a living hell and my husband seems so scared of losing the kids that he bows down to it. I don't really know how to even attempt to get this under control!

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      Anyways Lori 5 months ago

      I spent ten years in a marriage where my now ex-husband’s ex-wife badgered, threatened, and harassed us. The problem was my ex-husband did very little or anything at all about her behaviour despite my suggestions to ignore her. Hence why we are separated. And now she continues with her behaviour where she ran into my manager and told my manager that my marriage ended. Now this is personal. My exhusbands exwife has crossed my personal boundaries and I want to tell her this. As m.tully has mentioned below about filing a report with the authorities but I would like to send her a letter first telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable and needs to stop. Any suggestions? Thanks

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      m. tully 5 months ago

      Another tip (and not for the faint of heart) is to document the unsolicited and vulgar texts, emails, and phone calls with your local law enforcement. We asked that a report be written but not acted on until and unless it was necessary (thankfully they agreed to do this).

      The point is not to bombard your local PD with domestic issues (they don't have time for non emergent issues and generally won't get involved with custody related incidents)

      The purpose is to show that these are not isolated incidents and that there is proof of a reasonable request for the ex to STOP the behavior.

      It took us a year to finally act on the report filed in the previous year and we added MORE copies of text messages and emails to the existing report. When the police officer called the ex, she laughed and said "I thought it might come to this"! But guess what? She STOPPED! And really that was all we wanted.

      Those very negative and hurtful behaviors of the ex can become such a distraction from taking care of the kids and learning how to co-parent. In our case, the x has absolutely zero respect for my husband as a parent or human being for that matter, so his request for her to stop the harassment fell on def ears. One call from law enforcement (with a warning to discontinue or they would press charges) did the trick tho.

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      natasha lustig 5 months ago

      This could not have been written any better. I have lived the hell for last 3.5 years of my life and my relationship with my fiancée. We aren't married yet because we've gone through hell thebmost expensive custody court hell possible and basically are back to saving up plus I didn't want to do it in this hell. I've had a child and she has had her life thrown up and down and once we got out of the custody hell (we did not get what we should have because my step son tells terrible lies about my partner claiming physical abuse all lies but they believed it all she had been planning this for three years) and my daughter hadn't seen her siblings for over six months she now is going through hell trying to adjust with them but only sees them two weekends a month. Do not allow this to go on as long as I did! Get these evil ppl out of your life now. One thing I had to keep telling my partner was you don't need to speak to her every single day, or even every other day you shouldn't need to speak unless something has happened

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      Merrie 5 months ago

      My boyfriends ex told the kids to give him an ultimatum, either them or his girlfriend. He already broke up with me once over this. He later felt awful and asked to work things out. As soon as his family found out we were together, they said they didnt want anything to do with him again and havent talked to him in 2 months. We recently moved in together and I am afraid that they could give another ultimatum where he leaves again. His wife was sending me harassing text messages hoping she would give me information about his past that would destroy us. I told her to stop as her texts were evidence of harrassment. She finally did. I am feeling lost with the drama...

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      Christina L 5 months ago

      Let's say your husband's ex wife learns how to hack your computer... steals money, deletes incriminating emails, sends virus... how expensive is it to prove in court?

      Take it a step further the psycho includes ME the spouse on contempt of child support (on an invalid order) How can I protect myself legally? She does not even make sense, she operates on jealousy!

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      Clao 5 months ago

      AS long as husband and wife are together in everything including court order , everything usually flows better . I have found out That when I tell my husband what to do with his sons mom I usually am mad and want it my way . But now what I do is try to relax and explain my feelings towards the situation in a calmer way , he responds better . And most of the time what the other person wants ( the sons mother )

      Is for the couple to get mad at each other until they separate , and so she wins.

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      Jo 6 months ago

      Thank you for this. I'm going through a very xXxX ex wife and she uses the kids like trophies and makes my man feel like a shit father cause he can't take the kids at her beck and call. It makes m3 wick cause all she cares about is money and making him feel like a shitty father.

      It's so frustrating because I feed them, teach them, wash clothes and they do love me. But that's expected cuz she thinks she is priviliedge to everything.

      I love my man and this twat just makes life unbearable.

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      Carolyn 6 months ago

      HAd my first argument with the ex last night & had to tell her to leave my property. Betcha that's not happened to her before seeing as she is a respected Marine. But she crossed the line, yelling horrible things, banging on our door, so I told her, if she cant talk reasonable inside, then she's got to go. Im super upset about it, I hate confrontation and usually like to work things out. But disrespecting everyone in my house was NOT going to happen. Hopefully she takes a look at herself, but I doesnt seem she will. But I stood up for myself, my husband, and all the kids in the house. Nope Nope & Nope.

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      Frustratedd 6 months ago

      Thank you for this article. Just not sure my SO would agree to do this. It just got to a point where i refuse to pay for his petrol back and forth to work because he jumps when his ex wife needs him and she is using the children as bait to get to him. I'm just so frustrated.

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      Tired 6 months ago

      First Thank you for this article. It helps me confirm I am not crazy.

      My question is what do you do if you have talked to your husband about how when his ex text him sharing her good news, accomplishments or compliments him on how good he is looking that when he responds with proud of you, you look good too or great job this feeds her ego and keeps her claws into you.

      He disagrees and says he is just being nice. I don't feel he is going to go back to her but this helps keep the crazy going and she feels she has the upper hand.

      She told me to stop being strong the last encounter we had and that she is going to lose her s*** on me if she ever hears me hurting her daughter.

      I have also been getting harassing calls from various numbers and been cussed at.

      The thing is none of this started until we got married which has been a little over a month ago.

      Thanks

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      Sarah Rock 6 months ago

      Yes! Thank you for this article. On the positive side, the diagnosed crazy ex that my husband and I deal with isnt as bad as the author's)

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      Frustrated Step Mom 6 months ago

      I find whats frustrating is that us as Step parents are not always the bad guys. Why can't moms have an appreciation for someone else being a role model in their children lives? I help feed them, and pay for their activities, and take care of them when sick, why all the fuss and rude messages and then say " you don't have the kids interest in mind, just you and your new fiance" thats not fair. What is the best way for step moms to deal? cope? learn to let it go? It kills me.

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      crap 6 months ago

      Thanks for this post. My ex wife is just this type. To the point that she committed adultery and still thinks she can harass me is beyond me. I just watch in horror as she continues to be high strung considering poor judgment. I am patiently waiting to get the last laugh in this matter. I am waiting...

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      Feeling Demented 7 months ago

      Thank you, thank you, thank you. I came across this page by chance and have sat reading it in tears. It finally feels like someone understands, I could have wrote this myself. There have been times I have questioned if I can carry on in this ridiculous situation despite how much I love my partner.

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      The New Wife 7 months ago

      And here I am thinking I was the only one cussed into having The Crazy in my life and my relationship. At one point I even thought she was bipolar or mentally challenged honestly. Recently I've been receiving so many emails and I had decided on responding and telling her off the same way she provokes the life out of me. I'm so glad I came across this post now I will never utter a word to her as I've seen she thrives on getting me miserable. I'll not be giving her the satisfaction any more. I feel sorry for my husband's baby girl living with this miserable bitter woman.

      If anyone knows of these online support groups please may you post a comment on several the we can also join. Thank you.

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      Danielle Claire 7 months ago

      This is a great article, much of which my husband and I do. His children are all grown, but are swayed by their mothers emotions. She is bitter, manipulative and an alcoholic! She demands that my husband meet with her to talk about the "kids"! Their ADULTS and have their own lives. She has ruined any chance of me having any kind of relationship with my husbands extended family. She agreed when they got divorced to always talk positively about each other. She has done the exact opposite. I'm not "allowed to look in her direction of talk with her even to say hello". I come from a blended family and find it very distasteful when the ex-wife makes the adult children feel guilty when they come to our home for a visit. My husband is supportive, loving and giving of his children, but is always criticized by the ex. Prior to us getting married, his ex told me that I deserve better than him. No, I think he deserved better than her!

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      the Ex-husband 7 months ago

      Yes Cha it often takes two to tango, but sometimes, just sometimes, there are genuinely bat-shit crazy ex's...who honestly do this stuff. Complete disengagement is the only answer and it's what MY counselor recommended to me. IF it was the husband who was the root of all evil, why wouldn't the ex not just be happy his gone a get on with her life?

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      Cha 7 months ago

      Perhaps you should examine what part your husband contributed towards his ex-wife's behaviors.

      It's easier to say the EX is crazy without acknowledging your husband was part of his former marriage & divorce.

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      Jacqui Rangel 7 months ago

      This article made me feel idk, it made me have a panic and anxiety attack and feel at peace all at the same time. I appreciate this so much right now. Thank you.

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      Helduck 7 months ago

      Thank you for this article. Yes I have to cope with a crazy ex also who does her best to control our lives which is beyond ridiculous when she has been divorced from my fiance for over 8 years. We are due to be married in 2 weeks and I am so concerned that she will stop fiance's son from being there. She is clearly jealous of what we have despite the fact she has been with someone else for over 7 years and they have recently has a child together....so why try and control the ex?? Because she still wants him I guess but I have no fears of him feeling the same way!

      She has clearly never moved on but I struggle to remain calm when she is having one of her text ranging days. I'm sure she has an alcohol problem and guess this is partially the reason for her behaviour it I don't understand why she is so vile about me - I am not the reason my fiance walked out on her but nothing is ever her fault - she is always the victim despite the fact she was cheating and getting them into financial difficulties. She spends beyond her means still now but all this means is that she buys their son everything he wants so he is now a spoilt brat, never says thank you and and sulks when we say no to something he wants. It's a nightmare at times and it would be so good to have someone to off load these situations to who understands as it is difficult for my fiance to see my side of things sometimes

      Thanks again for this article - at least I am now not alone

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      Wow 7 months ago

      I know now I am not alone. Dealing with a miserable bby mama. This article has helped me see a lot of things. Thank you

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      Jesspur 8 months ago

      My Husband and I recently got married, and what should have been the happiest day of my life was plagued by the ex wife yet again. Since my husband and I have been together this woman has done nothing but be rude and obnoxious. I'm a nice person and sometimes get walked on for it and she has took full advantage of that fact. I've been nice to her since the first day I met her not saying a word while she spews her venom. Since the beginning she has told me that I'm not allowed to stand on the same street as her while she's picking up my husbands son until we are married, she got angry one time because I handed her child support money instead of my husband because I was the one that had stopped at the bank that morning and she told my husband I'm not allowed to hand her "her" money and she'd appreciate it if He made that clear. She sends my husband constant venomous text about how the man I have isn't the man she had and how miserable He made her life. She is also constantly taking my husband back to court and trying to get his custody lowered by telling lies every time she gets angry. Recently she started texting me telling me I have no right walking her kid into school because I'm just the girlfriend(right before we got married) and that I will address her as Mama not mom, mommy, or mother at all times. I had finally had enough and against better judgement text her back and told her that she was rude and obnoxious and not to message my phone or Id put a restraining order on her. Which led her to take my husband back to court (which we found out about right before we got married (hits the plague on wedding day on top of her text that day)) with false truth and telling the court she doesn't feel safe now with thier son around me. Which has caused my new husband and I to fight because my text message is what set her off this time. His thought is I take it any other time why did I have to say anything this time and he has even defended her this past week after he had an hour long conversation with her and she told him she just feels awkward around me now. How is any of this normal? How are we suppose to live our lives happily with her constantly in the background and she's remarried and has been for four years with a new baby why is she still trying to cause trouble?

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      Pat 8 months ago

      The advice in this article is excellent. My husband had a crazy ex who did everything she could to make visitation difficult and constantly trash-talked us to his kids. Unfortunately, the kids (who are all over 18 now) were brainwashed and still cater to their mom. If there is an event, they will invite her but not us. Thankfully, the courts are tending to give more joint custody now which I believe is crucial to maintaining a balanced relationship with the kids after a divorce. My husband's ex took the power given to her by the courts and abused it to the hilt. She even moved out of state without telling my husband and promised to bring the kids halfway once a month WHICH NEVER HAPPENED. It was a total abuse of power and he will never have a normal relationship with his kids because of it. If this is your situation, DON'T WAIT. Make sure that your rights are enforced even if you have to go to court. I was willing to be "nice" to her at first but the first time we met (which was dropping the kids off), she ran out of the house, stood between me and him with her back to me, and continued to scream at him about dropping off the kids 5 minutes "late". She ran back into the house and we never formally "met". Last year, we had to go on a family vacation with her at the insistence of the kids. We went only because otherwise we would not see the kids and grandkids. Luckily, it turned out that we didn't have to do anything together. She cornered my husband and asked him why he was still upset. She doesn't get it how she ruined his relationship with his kids. Very sad.

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      Frances Wheeler 8 months ago

      I would like to send a message to my ex saying I hope you feel better soon. Is this permissabe protocol?

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      Needtoletgo 8 months ago

      My ex, now of almost 4 years, choose giving in to his ex so he could see his daughter. We waited months to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon because his ex said if his daughter came to our wedding she had to stay all weekend. I am a teacher so we decided to go in june and he ended up taking his daughter and grown son instead of me..... I know i was stupid and after the divorce continued to see him. I know now BIG mistake. He just used me. If he really loved me he would have been willing to be a team and fight but he took the cowards way out. Have not spoken to him in over 9 months and am continuing to suffer but im not giving i . I did not do anything wrong but love a man who did not love me enouugh in return.

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      The mother 9 months ago

      Strangely enough my case is backwards....im the horrible, crazy ex baby momma. I've had to block her on all social media, she's taken the phone from him to yell and scream at me, and has threatened to fight for further custody of my daughter. Why? Because of all the made up things he has told her about me. I've never yelled at them, spoke nasty words to them...in the very beginning I called her a dog (not a b...a dog), since then I have ignored the constant text messages questioning my parenting. I'd suggest anyone going thru this to go back to court with all your information. Heck, that's what I gotta do.

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      First time mummy 9 months ago

      I have been going through a tough time with a crazy ex wife and as a new mum of a baby it started to take is tool on me. After reading all the comments it's refreshing to know that it's not just me going through this craziness. I need help in joining a group. Any ideas

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      Confused 9 months ago

      I have a problem.i am the mother in this case and the father and I have joint custody I've let my girls live with him but his girlfriend really seems to think they are her children I've stayed quiet for the most part but I can't anymore I'm really considering taking him back to court because if they're not even married yet and she's acting like this it's gonna get worse.

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      Vera 10 months ago

      My fiancé has not seen his son for over a year, despite having legal access from the court. His ex ( I will call her Gail ), has made it impossible to continue our access. The damage from her inability to get along was causing emotional harm to my partner's son. If you think we just needed to take the 'high road' you are mistaken. We lived on that motto for six years. But it did not work, because of Gail's mental illness. We suffered each time from the granny (Gail's mother ) spouting profanity at us when we try to pick him up to demanding the poor guy to tell his father that he hates him, doesn't want to come any more, and slams the door in his father's face. The judge admonished her for inciting hate and not supporting the boy to have a relationship with his father, but she doesn't listen. Overtime we tried to go to court she would fire her lawyer and take ten weeks or more to get a new one. We spent most of every year waiting to hear if we were to go pick him up, a 90 minute drive , because she moved without telling anyone, which she was not allowed to do, and the the judge said nothing to her about doing that. Gail told her son to lie to his father time and time again, with no one person even the office of the children's lawyer instructing her not to. We arranged for the boy to have his own lawyer to help the situation, but it got worse. Gail was angry that she was subjected to home inspections and meetings so of course the boy was not 'feeling well' on all of our weekend shed. visits. She wouldn't trade w/e or make up the time. Then he joined every group imaginable and so was 'too busy' to see his father. The judge politely mentioned that wasn't helping the situation, but nothing was resolved. We think she has a mental illness since she says one thing and does another and her wild emotions are all over the place. At one point she would say 'have a good time' to her son as he left his house to her strategically parking her car at the end of the big empty drive way so we could not pull in and had to park on the hi-way's shoulder. despite asking her directly to not do the things she was doing - which hurts the boy ( we have thick skin ) but she would never try to be polite or even an adult. We have stopped going to pick him up which is sad because my partner is a very good father. Gail said he never does anything with the boy but that is not true, we never get to see him. One year when Gail was trying to date we saw the boty regularly for a while and took him to Toronto, museums, music festivals and even taught him to swim and skate. The boy suffered every single time he went home because Gail was jealous. He was made to feel sad every visit with her texts every two minutes " what are you doing, do you miss me, you animals miss you , mommy loves you and misses you. Over and over her texts were do damaging we finally said through the lawyer that his phone would only be used in the case of an emergency. right now we have tallied the cost to $ 78,000.00 and we get zero access. The lawyers clearly are the winners here. We followed every instruction of our lawyer in what to do to deal with this and got nothing. She wins. She wanted the boy all to herself with a big fat cheque every month, and she got it. Through manipulation, brainwashing, threats, lies, exagerations, fits of rage , name calling and nurturing hate and yes parental alienation, which our lawyer didn't want to use against her as it seemed 'too harsh' ! We get zero access and the boy has to go to his groups to learn 'childhood things' with other kid's dads because he is not allowed to go fishing , hiking, and camping with his own dad. Some people on here have left ideas or suggestions to help with ex wives who are crazy and psychotic but we have tried everything and absolutely nothing has worked. My partner was faced with continuing with all the crazy or stepping back as painful as that is. This woman is capable of making all the other 'crazies' look like sweet nuns. We are left with waiting for the boy to reach out to us himself I guess when he gets older. We are completely broken and devastated.

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      Sara 10 months ago

      Help. We do all these things and it does not stop. The constant emails accusing us of child abuse, everything she does she accuses us of doing. The child is brainwashed and she is very good at manipulating professionals into believing her lies. I am suffering because I am trying to just live my life and its hard to do when there is a constant chatter in the corner being nasty. His son suffers but there is nothing we can do. The law doesn't matter to her she doesn't follow court orders anyway. Im asking for help because my mental health is suffering now. Where are these support groups for step moms that are suffering?

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      Brandi Simmons 10 months ago

      I'm reading this at work right now in tears. Thank you so much for the advice. I've been trying to implement many of these points with my fiancé and his "crazy" ex wife! Wasn't sure if I was headed down the right path. These suggestions confirmed that if I continue forward hopefully she will become a lessor stress factor. Awesome article!

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      Jessi 10 months ago

      Thank you for this article. I finally feel not alone.

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      crazy lady 11 months ago

      Thank you, it makes so much sense, I am dealing with a crazy mad ex. I moved into my partner's house and had their friends and family surrounding me. non of which were supportive and wanted to listen to all the rubbish I had to go through. can you suggest any online chats website, I also have to deal with a over possessive mother in law as well. Just need a supportive ear or therapy.

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      Bammy88 11 months ago

      soloprac, Family Lawyer

      664 Satisfied Customers

      My partner has his daughter every two weeks we recently got married and she found out and said she needed to know about it and also were we life ect.we have had nothing but greif from her from the beginning. She harassed my husband texting him every week when he didn't have his daughter so he blocked her and went through a 3rd party things seemed to be getting better but no she has started playing games again.saying her daughter went to hospital and she couldn't contact him so he unblocked her but she didn't ring his sister? And his daughter seemed perfectly fine.the next week we picked is daughter up she was waiting outside saying she didn't know if we were coming but we go every week at the same time and sane place.after we got married that night she was ringing texting his sister saying were we were?are we with her and were is her daughter? And she couldn't contact him which she could as he unblocked her and she text before.then she was saying we should of told her and she needs to know we're we live our house number ect.my husband pays 300pound for his daughter plus has her every two weeks plus every time we are on leave from the army.my husband dropped his daughter off today at a public petrol station half way and she had someone there with her who was giving him dirty looks which he felt he didn't have time to say bye properly.we just want the best for his daughter and want to move forward with our lives without being harrased and her kick off all the time.i don't know we're she gets the information from either .is there anything we should habe done or can do.my husband doesn't know anything about her life but she asks about ours

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      Ohlucy 11 months ago

      So glad I found this. Have searched online before, but for some reason only now have come upon this. Thanks for sharing!

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      Confused 12 months ago

      What if she is grade-a level crazy enough to create detailed lies about him and her interacting "romantically". And he is continuing to have weak boundaries with her bc he feels sorry for her. AKA sending her flowers on Vday bc "no one deserves to be alone", and allowing her to come over on Easter because he knows "she misses the kids on the holidays". Sounds all nice and sweet but she is legit psycho and is trying to make our lives hell while daily pleading with him to "be a family again". Feeling sorry for her bc she's such a miserable person and wanting to show his kids they can "get along" should not be good enough reason for me to excuse his terrible boundaries right?! When she is harassing me and starting stuff bt us, and trying to make her kids hate me (they love me btw)?! Also, he tries not to tell me the things she says and does (i.e. Trying to kiss him) bc he knows it'll piss me off, but I feel like it's worse for me to not know??? I'm his first relationship since, we've been together for 5 months, but I don't want to continue if it's not going to change. Heeeeelp. He doesn't believe me that stronger boundaries doesn't make him a spiteful person.

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      Dealing with it on my own 12 months ago

      How can I contact you without posting a thread?

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      New Step-Mom 12 months ago

      I am so relieved to have found this article. I have been in a similar situation and have felt like I am the only person having to deal with such a crazy situation. I have been married just a few years and my husband has a high-conflict ex-wife. She left him for another man over a decade ago. As soon as she found out we were engaged, she threw a fit and moved the kids to another state so she wouldn't have to deal with us "rubbing in her face how happy we are". I have made every effort to be kind and sweet to her children. Instead of appreciating this, she has felt threatened and promised that I "will never be a mother to her kids". I completely understand that I am not their mom; I know my place and my role; I just want them to be happy and feel comfortable when they come visit. She has done nothing but viciously attack me over the past few years. She sends me hateful text messages in the wee hours of the morning which read like a rambling manifesto of a bitter, spiteful woman. And no, I do not respond to any of her texts. She has point blank told my husband she will make our lives a living hell. My husband is very passive when it comes to her and the kids and I have come to realize he has become desensitized to how cruel and abusive her words and treatment can be. He allows her to treat him like a doormat. He tells me if her treating him like a punching bag keeps her happy, then that means his kids will have some peace. While I certainly want his kids to have peace, I hate to watch someone I love being treated abusively. He tells me that's he's used to it. No one should ever get used to or comfortable with verbal and mental abuse. Each time she finds out I've done something with the kids during their visits, she throws a hellacious tantrum. It's to the point where the kids don't even speak to me anymore when they come, as they don't want to feel like they are betraying their biological mom. It is so awkward and uncomfortable for everyone to be in a house together for a weekend with people who literally do not speak one word to you or acknowledge your existance. For a person new to this situation, this is quite overwhelming. Anyone who has experienced something similar and has some advice, I would love to hear it.

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      Erica 12 months ago

      We have done all of these steps...but it is not full proof. We still have to deal with crazy regardless, because of switching the kids around the holidays.

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      thatsurfergirl 12 months ago

      Oh my goodness. This sounds EXACTLY like my current situation. Reading this is absolute gold for me. We already use OurFamilyWizard and record everything. Sometimes I feel the need to tell the ex-wife, "Please don't say that to me in front of your daughter," when she starts making inflammatory statements and name calling. But, even that gets her to start yelling at us, reporting false stories on "The Wizard", chasing us around the car when we are trying to leave for visitation, etc... It's been a nightmare. It sounds like even a simple, "Please be respectful," just isn't worth it. I'd rather my stepdaughter see that I'm just not going to stoop to that level and, sometimes, you don't have to say anything because your actions speak volumes about your better character.

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      NO Gray area 13 months ago

      Loved this article. I am both a mom and a bonus-mom. I am trying to get my husband on board. Hoping this article will help. Thanks for posting !

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      April Wine 13 months ago

      Wow I keep getting made to feel like I'm the only one going through this stuff it's nice to know I'm not alone.

      I've been with my Fiancee through his divorce but I was in a PHD program at the time and the ex-wife stalked me online sent things to my school and just generally made my life hell until I had a cease and desist sent to her.

      That was three years ago now we are planning our wedding and she somehow found one of our registries and threw a fit. She sent me emails at my work tying to say he's been seeing her which isn't possible because he and I live together and are together all the time.

      She has sent horrible things to her son she decided she didn't want her weekend and then told him in a text that she never wanted to see him or his father again. Then a week later she's saying that he owes her an apology and his dad does too and that they need to sit down and talk. My Fiancee blocked her number and she tried texting him from another number making threats.

      Her son says she needs to get over it and that she is crazy. I've filed two police reports against her for harassment. She claims to be worried about her son getting hurt but then she sends him texts threatening to end her own life.

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      Indigo97 13 months ago

      I'm so grateful to find out that I'm not the only one dealing with a seriously crazy ex-wife!

      OMG! This is REALLY long! I've practically written my own article! But I really need to say this somewhere that someone else will relate to my feelings.

      Read at your own peril!

      I met my husband about 6 weeks before his divorce was finalized. He was an officer in the Army at the time making good money. The money thing is important later.

      From the beginning, I have kept very, VERY limited contact with her. I've kept her on a short leash, tied to my neighbors fence who lives on the other side of the city, in the back yard with a lock on the chain, a muzzle on her mouth and shackles on her feet. I knew not to talk to her much going into this. But she has still managed to dump her drama and misery into my life. I don't believe the woman has ever been happy. For that matter, I don't think she even knows what happiness is. It's really sad, and ordinarily, I would have compassion. In this case, I simply can't afford it.

      I thank God everyday that she lives on the other side of the country. I am afraid of what she might do if she lived close by, even 10 hours away. She's mentally and physically abusive. After years of martial arts, I can defend myself. But she is well versed in manipulation. If something serious happened, I can easily see myself ending up in jail for assault. Not because I would willingly hurt her, but because she would probably say I did when I was only defending myself against her.

      I'm not so much afraid of her as I am of the consequences of dealing with her, not only for me, but for my husband and her kids.

      I could plainly see that she's a fruit loop when he first told me about her. I don't remember what we were talking about one night when he said something related to her, but I told him then that she had warped his mind, brainwashed him. The wife isn't often thought of as the abuser. But believe me, she is a walking contradiction to the stereotype. I seriously didn't believe people like her actually exist!

      After she found out about me, she told my husband that her doctor found a spot on her cervix. She quickly added that my husbands doctor friend in the army wouldn't find it in her records because she didn't use her insurance, still Tricare at the time, for medical services.

      That was mid November. By Spring Break of the following year, about 4 1/2, maybe 5 months later, she had, in order... Cervical cancer, then uterine cancer that resulted in the loss of "A" uterus, yes one uterus followed by the removal of a Fallopian tube. She lost a breast do to cancer AND had reconstructive surgery. All in less than 5 months. She didn't lose her hair during chemotherapy because of some mysterious new treatment that she couldn't remember the name of.

      The reconstructive breast surgery happened when we went to visit his kids. I've talked to women who had breast surgery. They've all told me that driving is an impossible task for a long time after surgery. No problem for her though!

      It took him a while to see what I see.

      He married her when she got pregnant. She told him it was his kid and he believed her. This was before DNA was easily accessible like it is now. It couldn't be more obvious that she is not his kid. He told her he didn't want more kids. Every time he got serious about leaving her, she would end up pregnant again. If it wasn't pregnancy, it a serious disease she claimed to have. Or someone died, or she was having nervous break down. If none of those worked, she played on his Christian principles. He stayed with her for nearly 20 years trying to make himself love an abusive, manipulative woman.

      Like I said, at the time of his divorce, he was making pretty good money. He just wanted to get away from her. She didn't have an attorney, but if you saw the terms of the divorce, you'd think he tried to kill her. He gave her everything she wanted short of the washer and dryer and custody of his kids. He asked her to leave one television when she moved out of the house. She didn't leave a single thing, except the washer and dryer. I suspect she only left it because either she couldn't move them by herself, or there wasn't enough room on the truck. There probably wasn't room on the truck.

      The things he agreed to were mind boggling. They had both borrowed an enormous amount of money from her uncle. It was a verbal contract, nothing on paper

      Her uncle had taken out a loan from the bank for them. In the terms of the divorce, they were supposed to make equal payments on the loan. If her uncle died before it was paid off, my husband was to make payments to her instead. It didn't matter that the remainder of the loan would become part of his estate, that the bank that made the loan has rights to repayments, that the debt would come out of the estate before anyone got anything, not her. Crazy!

      I don't doubt that you already know she never made a single payment. She took credit for all the payments my husband made and told her uncle that my husband was blowing her off! Thankfully, my husband and her uncle are friends so he knows she's a liar, always has been a liar. He told my husband he has more credibility with him than his own niece, even after the divorce! She screwed her own uncle over to later on over this loan.

      Between the alimony that she wouldn't have qualified for, child support and a host of other expenses my husband paid on her behalf, to ensure the welfare of his kids, she was getting close to $35,000 a year in support. She didn't have to work for a single thing. Yet his kids were always in want/need of necessities. Before we were married, before I even met his kids, I was sending them things they needed. I'm not their mother! I don't even have kids of my own!

      Before she even met me, she told her kids I look like a drug addict, that I AM an addict, that I'd been having an affair for years before the divorce. Never mind that I had just moved to the area when I met my husband. She told my husband I was only with him for the money, that I didn't really love him... I know some of those things are pretty standard, but if you knew her and the way she has of saying things....

      After we got married it got really bad for my husband, AND her kids. She would call in the middle of the night demanding that we drive across the country to his daughter because she was kicking her out. We told her we couldn't leave until morning.

      We called when we were on the way. He told his daughter not worry about bringing things with her. We would get things she needed after she got here.

      So we were literally getting into the car to go get his daughter when we called. His ex-wife said she never said any such thing. She told her kids and anyone that would listen that my husband was coming up on a whim to TAKE his daughter. So of course the other kids were upset. Mom told them that he loves the one daughter over the other two. Crazy doesn't even begin to describe it.

      On and on, numerous things like this! Too many to think of with out losing my mind.

      One of the things she did, seemingly on a routine basis was threaten to call my husbands commanding officer. I already know she told lies about him to people he worked with when they were still married, so I wouldn't put it past her. His CO never talked with him about anything, but suddenly things started to go awry for him.

      My husband has always had excellent reviews, recommendations to be sent to school for the next grade up. I can't remember exactly what they call it, but it's basically a promotion in the Army. He was always highly regarded by his peers, despite her lies. But now he had a new commanding officer and suddenly he was getting negative reviews. That was around he military was cutting back cut backs. My husbands year group was targeted as one of the first places they would look at. Sure enough, he was selected for involuntary separation.

      Good bye $35,000 a year in free support. He just couldn't afford it. He makes a third of what he was making before separation. He makes less now than he was giving her every year.

      I'm out of characters :-(

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      Brenda 13 months ago

      I did this finally sadly did not read this until now but after 7 yrs and her turning 2 kids against myself and my husband who we raised full time I said I was done. No more drama or abuse for me! She kept texting when she "wanted something" but I did not respond. Finally hubby asked her to stop also. She claims I have no say in raising "her" kids then fine

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      NoDramaMom 13 months ago

      Does anyone just get to the point where you want to give up? I love my significant other, and his two kids immensely. But I am honestly not sure how much more I can mentally handle. I have been turned into CPS (on an allegation that is not true), I have been served a harassment order based on information that is not true. Heck I am even being attacked for calling them my bonus kids and me their bonus mom!

      And we are now seeking an attorney (that we cannot afford) on this new harassment order issue. Which in turn, could possibly cost me my government job. All based on false allegations.

      I am just tired.

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      Stuck In the middle 13 months ago

      Thanks for writing the article. I, like most of you, have the crazy ex to deal with. My husband and I met when we was going through his divorce. Thinking back now, I should have never gotten involved with someone who's divorce wasn't finalised. But I digress.

      She truly is nuts. First of all, she only wanted to divorce him to get half of his assets. Then she wanted to take him back in but not be married. This way she would have had a lot more money than she did in the first place.

      He was scheduled to move out of the family home (after it being sold) on the 1rst of october. I had just signed a lease with him in August where I would move in on the 25th and he would follow later.

      She decided to snoop and found out that he was moving in with me....remember, divorce proceedings were in the works. She threw him out of his home on the 27th of August. I only had 2 days in my new place and was still in boxes.

      She tried to run me off the road with her car TWICE. Yelled at me numerous times. Tried to get my salary as part of the divorce agreement, and now wants to send her son to boarding school at 50K per year and wants us to pay half. She's taken pictures of my home to show her lawyer. Tried to hit my husband with adultery charges to take full custody.

      It's all about money.

      She lies, steels, you name it...quite the crazy bitch.

      I'm 10 years into my relationship and have finally cut all possibility of her contacting me. I want nothing to do with her and have said as much to her on my last text. I have tried to help in all kinds of ways but yet she backstabs me in all kinds of ways that I no longer want to deal with.

      I am even thinking of divorce to get away from all of this. I'm hitting the big 5 0 this year and really dont need or want this in my life.

      I love my husband but not more than I love myself.

      I'm almost in tears that I write this. Frustrated and burnt out.

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      Guitarzan_1971 15 months ago

      I am a step dad and while my wife's ex and father of my stepdaughter started out as the ex from hell things got better.

      We had CPS called on us three times. We were interviewed, the kids were interviewed without us there while at school, and our house was inspected. We had animal control called on us and our animals checked as well. I had the police called on me several times with false reports. The list goes on and on.

      I refrained from contact with him completely and was careful never to disparage him. When his daughter asked why her dad was acting like he was I would simply say that he is angry. That being angry in these situations is natural and it can take some people longer than others to let go of their anger. I would also say that I am sure her dad was a good guy and that people say things they don't mean and do things they wouldn't normally while they were angry.

      After a while he moved on, had another child, and recognized the need to cooperate. Now he and his current fiance are down right friendly. I routinely hang out for a while when I pick up my step daughter. There is zero stress. Hang in there it can get better

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      Mrs.Will 15 months ago

      Thank you for posting this article. I never knew just how batshit crazy and someone could be until I met my finances ex. She does pretty much everything you said in this article. We have implemented similar things that you mentioned but she remains unreasonable when it comes to abiding by the court order. When he takes her to court she always turns it around and makes up some sort of abuse so the court turns into a domestic hearing rather than a hearing for the court order. When she finds out we're engaged, he probably won't be allowed to see his child for months (ever again according to her past threats) until of course the child needs something. I feel like I won't be able to announce my engagement or wedding because crazy pants will find some way to ruin the day. Not just that, she'll punish him like she does now and not allow him to see his daughter. I am thankful though to read the below comments and know that there are others going through this terrible ordeal and they have done their best to deal with the crazy TOGETHER instead of giving up.

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      Michelle 15 months ago

      I am an ex wife - my husband is remarrying a woman whom he met four months ago and I made it very clear to her I do not want to coparent with her nor do I want to have any relationship with her whatsoever. She has no children yet seems to have an opinion on the shoes my son wears and the brand names of the clothing he wears! Trust me when I say I want to have as little interaction with my exhusband! My ex had affairs for years and started an affair with a woman at work when I was 8 months pregnant and essentially abandoned us when my son was a newborn. This woman has asked me to come to her home for dinner and my ex husband suggested we even get a mani and pedi together??!! Let me just say this - why on earth would I want to have anything to do with my husbands fiancée when for years my husband cheated and lied to me? My ex only recently said he was a changed person because of this woman and says the three of us need to have a "nice" relationship? This is the man who has had no interest in co parenting until this woman showed up in his life and now he's putting on a show just to impress her! Second wives - unless you have a geniune interest in wanting to get to know the mother of your step children, consider using patience and think about what topics impact the step child!

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      Tired of it 16 months ago

      So Dannio45, what do you propose we do? Ignore the kids when they're over because 'we're not their mom'? That makes no sense.

      Harassment by an ex (wife or husband) really happens. So much so that the U.K. has passed a law against it. Your comment sounds like you believe all step parents are evil and all ex's are just innocent victims. Not at all true.

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      dannio45 16 months ago

      I have a different perspective. My advise is to stop kidding yourselves. They are not your kids so stop trying. They are goong to hate you the exwife hates you for trying to be their mom. You will never be their mom. I know, I know. You say you love them just as much as your own. Bullshit. You dont. I work for Child protection and I can tell you the vast majority of abusers are steps parents. So, the quicker you realize your step kids are not your kids the better

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