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Dealing with a High Conflict Ex-Wife In 5 Easy Steps: A Guide for Stepmoms

Updated on December 1, 2014

As you float down the isle on your wedding day you smile radiantly at your knight in shining armor. You feel glorious and that absolutely nothing can ruin this moment. Except the ex-wife.

As you look lovingly at your groom, you remember the 55 text messages his ex-wife sent that morning outlining exactly how she was going to make his life (and therefore your life) a living hell if he had the audacity to marry you. Never mind that their divorce was 10 years ago. You quickly glance around the church to make sure his ex-wife isn't camped out behind the nearest flower arrangement with a bazooka pointed at your head. Then you wonder if you really can survive that much drama. Not to worry. With a little effort and some strong boundaries you can.

Sound Familiar?

Being married to a man with a high-conflict ex-wife is not for the faint of heart. I know because I am married to a man who's ex-wife is bat shit crazy. I met him years after his divorce and could not fathom that there was still this much animosity and abuse from his ex. I have dealt with everything from the ex trying to punch my husband at an exchange to her beating on my door at 6 am to see if my husband was at home. (He was by the way.)

I've been yelled at, received unsolicited phone calls to tell me what a loser I have married, been blamed for things I've never heard of, and called a horrible human being. For the longest time she only referred to me as the "chick around your dick." The ex-wife threatened to keep my husband and his son apart for the rest of the kid's life if the kid was ever going to be around me for even 5 seconds because she was not going to have "her" son around another woman. Odd, since I think all I've ever said to her is "Hello." and eventually "Stop knocking on my door at 6:00 am."

Sound familiar? If yes, keep reading to learn how to minimize the stress caused by a high-conflict ex-wife, maximize your own sanity, and keep your focus where it should be; on your marriage and your children.

Step 1: Recognize the Crazy

If your husband frequently receives 10 to 15 ranting and abusive emails (manifestos) from the ex-wife in a 24 hour period, this is not normal. If the ex-wife has ever texted your husband to the point that his phone battery dies, this is not normal. If you have ever accompanied your husband when he exchanges the children, and the ex-wife starts beating on his car. Yep, you guessed it. Not normal!

The first step is to recognize who and what you are dealing with. Any time two people with children get divorced there are going to be some squabbles over the years. Minor, and even a few major, disagreements are completely normal. Do not expect your husband and his ex to co-parent in perfect harmony all the time. Do, however, expect that there will be no cussing, name calling, threats, withholding the children, or banging on your door at 6 am for no apparent reason. If any of the latter are occurring in your life, keep reading.

Step 2: Get On The Same Page As Your Husband

High conflict ex-wives intrude into every last fiber of your being and into every last corner of your home. If you have a high-conflict ex-wife in your life, then you are all too familiar with that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when your husband lets you know she is at it again. If you let it, the drama will consume you and bury you in a big pile of steaming high-conflict poo.

Tell your husband the constant drama stresses you out and tell him you need it to end. Some men take an exceptionally long time to understand the havoc an ex-wife is wreaking on the current marriage. I don't care if you have to use smoke signals, get your husband to understand what the drama is doing to your well-being, to his well-being and to the marriage. Most importantly, get your husband to understand the negative effects the drama is having on the children. Children are very aware, even from a young age, when Mom and Dad do not get along. If your husband is a sane one, its up to him to end the drama for his children. He has to stop waiting on the other party to calm down and he must take action now.

Stepmom Support

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Step 3: Find Some Like-Minded Stepmoms

We are out there! In droves! I had no idea that there were so many other women who were in exactly the same position: married to a man with an ex-wife who had vowed to make his life a living hell. If you have attempted to vent or sob about the crazy in your life, and the other person has backed away from you slowly, then you are talking to the wrong people. Adults who have not been stepparents or who do not deal with a high-conflict ex will not understand what you are going through (lucky ducks!).

Spend some time searching for online support forums. Try out a few until you find a group of like-minded women who are a good fit for you. After spending a year lurking online, I started reaching out to some of the women I had met and now they are real friends. These women are my saviors! When the ex decided to dance on my front porch at 6:30am, they were there for me. When the ex-wife started mailing packages the week after my wedding of her on her wedding day to my husband and her wearing...well, less than I ever wanted to see in the honeymoon suite, these stepmoms knew exactly what I was going through. I cannot over emphasize the importance of finding some stepmom friends who really get it and get you.

Our Family Wizard Can Reduce Conflict

Step 4: End The Drama

The cycle-o-drama will continue as long as you and your husband let it continue. It took my husband and me almost 4 years to figure out how to break the cycle and end the drama. Although these measures may seem drastic or difficult they can all be implemented quickly and they are very effective. Remember, the point is not to "win" when it comes to the ex, the point is to minimize the conflict so the children are not exposed to the fighting.

  • If you are personally communicating with the ex, stop. Like stop yesterday. Do not email her, text her, talk to her on the phone, or speak to her in person. In all likelihood it is not you that she hates. She would hate whatever woman was in your shoes. Remove yourself from her cross hairs. This is easy. Simply quit doing these things this very second. There are no excuses for communicating with someone who wants to blow your head off with a bazooka on your wedding day.
  • Your husband should only communicate in email or in a program like Our Family Wizard if he can get that ordered through a court. Your husband should not text her, talk to her on the phone, or have a conversation with her at exchanges. This is also easy. Simply stop. What will the ex do? Nothing. She can call all day long, but that does not mean your husband has to answer the phone. Let her leave messages and then email a response if one is needed.
  • Follow the custody agreement exactly as it is written. Do not deviate. Do not switch weekends. Do not do anything not written down on that piece of paper. (See this article for examples of how to create a more specific custody agreement.) If everything is followed 100% that removes much of the back and forth. If your husband has a horrible and vague court order, then it is time to head back to court. As long as there is wiggle room, a high-conflict ex will use it to stir up trouble and continue the conflict. In our house we have a motto or two that get us through: 1) we don't do favors for assholes and 2) we don't negotiate with terrorists.
  • Go "low contact." At this point my husband can get by on as few as 4 emails per month. Do not respond to anything that does not require a response per the custody agreement or unless it directly relates to the health or safety of the children. Do not write more than 4 short and direct sentences per email or response.

A word of warning: There will be an extinction burst. The high-conflict ex will use any means necessary to engage and continue the conflict. She will call, text, email, and likely call your husband every name under the sun plus a few made up names. Ignore.

My Zen Place

Step 5: Learn To Love Frozen and Let It Go

Channel your inner zen place whether it's the beach, the mountains, or on top of a fluffy cloud.

I can hear the outcries now: "But the children! If we do not switch weekends they will miss a birthday party or a family reunion! We have to be the bigger people and try to work with their mother! If we keep trying, she will be reasonable." Or (my favorite): "But sometimes she is so reasonable!" Yeah, well, the ex in my life called to offer an extra overnight and then two weeks later punched my husband in front of their son at an exchange. Being reasonable sometimes isn't good enough.

I do not advocate following these steps because I think they will work I suggest them because I know they will work. My husband and I are living proof! Now that we have minimized the intrusion of the high-conflict ex-wife in our life my husband and I can have normal married people squabbles over things like who left the milk on the counter or why the toilet seat is up. We also see a world of difference in the children which was the goal of eliminating the crazy in the first place.


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      Carolyn 4 days ago

      HAd my first argument with the ex last night & had to tell her to leave my property. Betcha that's not happened to her before seeing as she is a respected Marine. But she crossed the line, yelling horrible things, banging on our door, so I told her, if she cant talk reasonable inside, then she's got to go. Im super upset about it, I hate confrontation and usually like to work things out. But disrespecting everyone in my house was NOT going to happen. Hopefully she takes a look at herself, but I doesnt seem she will. But I stood up for myself, my husband, and all the kids in the house. Nope Nope & Nope.

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      Frustratedd 4 days ago

      Thank you for this article. Just not sure my SO would agree to do this. It just got to a point where i refuse to pay for his petrol back and forth to work because he jumps when his ex wife needs him and she is using the children as bait to get to him. I'm just so frustrated.

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      Tired 12 days ago

      First Thank you for this article. It helps me confirm I am not crazy.

      My question is what do you do if you have talked to your husband about how when his ex text him sharing her good news, accomplishments or compliments him on how good he is looking that when he responds with proud of you, you look good too or great job this feeds her ego and keeps her claws into you.

      He disagrees and says he is just being nice. I don't feel he is going to go back to her but this helps keep the crazy going and she feels she has the upper hand.

      She told me to stop being strong the last encounter we had and that she is going to lose her s*** on me if she ever hears me hurting her daughter.

      I have also been getting harassing calls from various numbers and been cussed at.

      The thing is none of this started until we got married which has been a little over a month ago.


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      Sarah Rock 12 days ago

      Yes! Thank you for this article. On the positive side, the diagnosed crazy ex that my husband and I deal with isnt as bad as the author's)

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      Frustrated Step Mom 12 days ago

      I find whats frustrating is that us as Step parents are not always the bad guys. Why can't moms have an appreciation for someone else being a role model in their children lives? I help feed them, and pay for their activities, and take care of them when sick, why all the fuss and rude messages and then say " you don't have the kids interest in mind, just you and your new fiance" thats not fair. What is the best way for step moms to deal? cope? learn to let it go? It kills me.

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      crap 3 weeks ago

      Thanks for this post. My ex wife is just this type. To the point that she committed adultery and still thinks she can harass me is beyond me. I just watch in horror as she continues to be high strung considering poor judgment. I am patiently waiting to get the last laugh in this matter. I am waiting...

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      Feeling Demented 3 weeks ago

      Thank you, thank you, thank you. I came across this page by chance and have sat reading it in tears. It finally feels like someone understands, I could have wrote this myself. There have been times I have questioned if I can carry on in this ridiculous situation despite how much I love my partner.

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      The New Wife 3 weeks ago

      And here I am thinking I was the only one cussed into having The Crazy in my life and my relationship. At one point I even thought she was bipolar or mentally challenged honestly. Recently I've been receiving so many emails and I had decided on responding and telling her off the same way she provokes the life out of me. I'm so glad I came across this post now I will never utter a word to her as I've seen she thrives on getting me miserable. I'll not be giving her the satisfaction any more. I feel sorry for my husband's baby girl living with this miserable bitter woman.

      If anyone knows of these online support groups please may you post a comment on several the we can also join. Thank you.

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      Danielle Claire 4 weeks ago

      This is a great article, much of which my husband and I do. His children are all grown, but are swayed by their mothers emotions. She is bitter, manipulative and an alcoholic! She demands that my husband meet with her to talk about the "kids"! Their ADULTS and have their own lives. She has ruined any chance of me having any kind of relationship with my husbands extended family. She agreed when they got divorced to always talk positively about each other. She has done the exact opposite. I'm not "allowed to look in her direction of talk with her even to say hello". I come from a blended family and find it very distasteful when the ex-wife makes the adult children feel guilty when they come to our home for a visit. My husband is supportive, loving and giving of his children, but is always criticized by the ex. Prior to us getting married, his ex told me that I deserve better than him. No, I think he deserved better than her!

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      the Ex-husband 5 weeks ago

      Yes Cha it often takes two to tango, but sometimes, just sometimes, there are genuinely bat-shit crazy ex's...who honestly do this stuff. Complete disengagement is the only answer and it's what MY counselor recommended to me. IF it was the husband who was the root of all evil, why wouldn't the ex not just be happy his gone a get on with her life?

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      Cha 5 weeks ago

      Perhaps you should examine what part your husband contributed towards his ex-wife's behaviors.

      It's easier to say the EX is crazy without acknowledging your husband was part of his former marriage & divorce.

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      Jacqui Rangel 5 weeks ago

      This article made me feel idk, it made me have a panic and anxiety attack and feel at peace all at the same time. I appreciate this so much right now. Thank you.

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      Helduck 6 weeks ago

      Thank you for this article. Yes I have to cope with a crazy ex also who does her best to control our lives which is beyond ridiculous when she has been divorced from my fiance for over 8 years. We are due to be married in 2 weeks and I am so concerned that she will stop fiance's son from being there. She is clearly jealous of what we have despite the fact she has been with someone else for over 7 years and they have recently has a child why try and control the ex?? Because she still wants him I guess but I have no fears of him feeling the same way!

      She has clearly never moved on but I struggle to remain calm when she is having one of her text ranging days. I'm sure she has an alcohol problem and guess this is partially the reason for her behaviour it I don't understand why she is so vile about me - I am not the reason my fiance walked out on her but nothing is ever her fault - she is always the victim despite the fact she was cheating and getting them into financial difficulties. She spends beyond her means still now but all this means is that she buys their son everything he wants so he is now a spoilt brat, never says thank you and and sulks when we say no to something he wants. It's a nightmare at times and it would be so good to have someone to off load these situations to who understands as it is difficult for my fiance to see my side of things sometimes

      Thanks again for this article - at least I am now not alone

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      Wow 7 weeks ago

      I know now I am not alone. Dealing with a miserable bby mama. This article has helped me see a lot of things. Thank you

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      Jesspur 8 weeks ago

      My Husband and I recently got married, and what should have been the happiest day of my life was plagued by the ex wife yet again. Since my husband and I have been together this woman has done nothing but be rude and obnoxious. I'm a nice person and sometimes get walked on for it and she has took full advantage of that fact. I've been nice to her since the first day I met her not saying a word while she spews her venom. Since the beginning she has told me that I'm not allowed to stand on the same street as her while she's picking up my husbands son until we are married, she got angry one time because I handed her child support money instead of my husband because I was the one that had stopped at the bank that morning and she told my husband I'm not allowed to hand her "her" money and she'd appreciate it if He made that clear. She sends my husband constant venomous text about how the man I have isn't the man she had and how miserable He made her life. She is also constantly taking my husband back to court and trying to get his custody lowered by telling lies every time she gets angry. Recently she started texting me telling me I have no right walking her kid into school because I'm just the girlfriend(right before we got married) and that I will address her as Mama not mom, mommy, or mother at all times. I had finally had enough and against better judgement text her back and told her that she was rude and obnoxious and not to message my phone or Id put a restraining order on her. Which led her to take my husband back to court (which we found out about right before we got married (hits the plague on wedding day on top of her text that day)) with false truth and telling the court she doesn't feel safe now with thier son around me. Which has caused my new husband and I to fight because my text message is what set her off this time. His thought is I take it any other time why did I have to say anything this time and he has even defended her this past week after he had an hour long conversation with her and she told him she just feels awkward around me now. How is any of this normal? How are we suppose to live our lives happily with her constantly in the background and she's remarried and has been for four years with a new baby why is she still trying to cause trouble?

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      Pat 2 months ago

      The advice in this article is excellent. My husband had a crazy ex who did everything she could to make visitation difficult and constantly trash-talked us to his kids. Unfortunately, the kids (who are all over 18 now) were brainwashed and still cater to their mom. If there is an event, they will invite her but not us. Thankfully, the courts are tending to give more joint custody now which I believe is crucial to maintaining a balanced relationship with the kids after a divorce. My husband's ex took the power given to her by the courts and abused it to the hilt. She even moved out of state without telling my husband and promised to bring the kids halfway once a month WHICH NEVER HAPPENED. It was a total abuse of power and he will never have a normal relationship with his kids because of it. If this is your situation, DON'T WAIT. Make sure that your rights are enforced even if you have to go to court. I was willing to be "nice" to her at first but the first time we met (which was dropping the kids off), she ran out of the house, stood between me and him with her back to me, and continued to scream at him about dropping off the kids 5 minutes "late". She ran back into the house and we never formally "met". Last year, we had to go on a family vacation with her at the insistence of the kids. We went only because otherwise we would not see the kids and grandkids. Luckily, it turned out that we didn't have to do anything together. She cornered my husband and asked him why he was still upset. She doesn't get it how she ruined his relationship with his kids. Very sad.

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      Frances Wheeler 2 months ago

      I would like to send a message to my ex saying I hope you feel better soon. Is this permissabe protocol?

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      Needtoletgo 2 months ago

      My ex, now of almost 4 years, choose giving in to his ex so he could see his daughter. We waited months to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon because his ex said if his daughter came to our wedding she had to stay all weekend. I am a teacher so we decided to go in june and he ended up taking his daughter and grown son instead of me..... I know i was stupid and after the divorce continued to see him. I know now BIG mistake. He just used me. If he really loved me he would have been willing to be a team and fight but he took the cowards way out. Have not spoken to him in over 9 months and am continuing to suffer but im not giving i . I did not do anything wrong but love a man who did not love me enouugh in return.

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      The mother 3 months ago

      Strangely enough my case is the horrible, crazy ex baby momma. I've had to block her on all social media, she's taken the phone from him to yell and scream at me, and has threatened to fight for further custody of my daughter. Why? Because of all the made up things he has told her about me. I've never yelled at them, spoke nasty words to the very beginning I called her a dog (not a b...a dog), since then I have ignored the constant text messages questioning my parenting. I'd suggest anyone going thru this to go back to court with all your information. Heck, that's what I gotta do.

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      First time mummy 3 months ago

      I have been going through a tough time with a crazy ex wife and as a new mum of a baby it started to take is tool on me. After reading all the comments it's refreshing to know that it's not just me going through this craziness. I need help in joining a group. Any ideas

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      Confused 3 months ago

      I have a problem.i am the mother in this case and the father and I have joint custody I've let my girls live with him but his girlfriend really seems to think they are her children I've stayed quiet for the most part but I can't anymore I'm really considering taking him back to court because if they're not even married yet and she's acting like this it's gonna get worse.

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      Vera 4 months ago

      My fiancé has not seen his son for over a year, despite having legal access from the court. His ex ( I will call her Gail ), has made it impossible to continue our access. The damage from her inability to get along was causing emotional harm to my partner's son. If you think we just needed to take the 'high road' you are mistaken. We lived on that motto for six years. But it did not work, because of Gail's mental illness. We suffered each time from the granny (Gail's mother ) spouting profanity at us when we try to pick him up to demanding the poor guy to tell his father that he hates him, doesn't want to come any more, and slams the door in his father's face. The judge admonished her for inciting hate and not supporting the boy to have a relationship with his father, but she doesn't listen. Overtime we tried to go to court she would fire her lawyer and take ten weeks or more to get a new one. We spent most of every year waiting to hear if we were to go pick him up, a 90 minute drive , because she moved without telling anyone, which she was not allowed to do, and the the judge said nothing to her about doing that. Gail told her son to lie to his father time and time again, with no one person even the office of the children's lawyer instructing her not to. We arranged for the boy to have his own lawyer to help the situation, but it got worse. Gail was angry that she was subjected to home inspections and meetings so of course the boy was not 'feeling well' on all of our weekend shed. visits. She wouldn't trade w/e or make up the time. Then he joined every group imaginable and so was 'too busy' to see his father. The judge politely mentioned that wasn't helping the situation, but nothing was resolved. We think she has a mental illness since she says one thing and does another and her wild emotions are all over the place. At one point she would say 'have a good time' to her son as he left his house to her strategically parking her car at the end of the big empty drive way so we could not pull in and had to park on the hi-way's shoulder. despite asking her directly to not do the things she was doing - which hurts the boy ( we have thick skin ) but she would never try to be polite or even an adult. We have stopped going to pick him up which is sad because my partner is a very good father. Gail said he never does anything with the boy but that is not true, we never get to see him. One year when Gail was trying to date we saw the boty regularly for a while and took him to Toronto, museums, music festivals and even taught him to swim and skate. The boy suffered every single time he went home because Gail was jealous. He was made to feel sad every visit with her texts every two minutes " what are you doing, do you miss me, you animals miss you , mommy loves you and misses you. Over and over her texts were do damaging we finally said through the lawyer that his phone would only be used in the case of an emergency. right now we have tallied the cost to $ 78,000.00 and we get zero access. The lawyers clearly are the winners here. We followed every instruction of our lawyer in what to do to deal with this and got nothing. She wins. She wanted the boy all to herself with a big fat cheque every month, and she got it. Through manipulation, brainwashing, threats, lies, exagerations, fits of rage , name calling and nurturing hate and yes parental alienation, which our lawyer didn't want to use against her as it seemed 'too harsh' ! We get zero access and the boy has to go to his groups to learn 'childhood things' with other kid's dads because he is not allowed to go fishing , hiking, and camping with his own dad. Some people on here have left ideas or suggestions to help with ex wives who are crazy and psychotic but we have tried everything and absolutely nothing has worked. My partner was faced with continuing with all the crazy or stepping back as painful as that is. This woman is capable of making all the other 'crazies' look like sweet nuns. We are left with waiting for the boy to reach out to us himself I guess when he gets older. We are completely broken and devastated.

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      Sara 4 months ago

      Help. We do all these things and it does not stop. The constant emails accusing us of child abuse, everything she does she accuses us of doing. The child is brainwashed and she is very good at manipulating professionals into believing her lies. I am suffering because I am trying to just live my life and its hard to do when there is a constant chatter in the corner being nasty. His son suffers but there is nothing we can do. The law doesn't matter to her she doesn't follow court orders anyway. Im asking for help because my mental health is suffering now. Where are these support groups for step moms that are suffering?

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      Brandi Simmons 4 months ago

      I'm reading this at work right now in tears. Thank you so much for the advice. I've been trying to implement many of these points with my fiancé and his "crazy" ex wife! Wasn't sure if I was headed down the right path. These suggestions confirmed that if I continue forward hopefully she will become a lessor stress factor. Awesome article!

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      Jessi 4 months ago

      Thank you for this article. I finally feel not alone.

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      crazy lady 5 months ago

      Thank you, it makes so much sense, I am dealing with a crazy mad ex. I moved into my partner's house and had their friends and family surrounding me. non of which were supportive and wanted to listen to all the rubbish I had to go through. can you suggest any online chats website, I also have to deal with a over possessive mother in law as well. Just need a supportive ear or therapy.

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      Bammy88 5 months ago

      soloprac, Family Lawyer

      664 Satisfied Customers

      My partner has his daughter every two weeks we recently got married and she found out and said she needed to know about it and also were we life ect.we have had nothing but greif from her from the beginning. She harassed my husband texting him every week when he didn't have his daughter so he blocked her and went through a 3rd party things seemed to be getting better but no she has started playing games again.saying her daughter went to hospital and she couldn't contact him so he unblocked her but she didn't ring his sister? And his daughter seemed perfectly fine.the next week we picked is daughter up she was waiting outside saying she didn't know if we were coming but we go every week at the same time and sane place.after we got married that night she was ringing texting his sister saying were we were?are we with her and were is her daughter? And she couldn't contact him which she could as he unblocked her and she text before.then she was saying we should of told her and she needs to know we're we live our house number husband pays 300pound for his daughter plus has her every two weeks plus every time we are on leave from the husband dropped his daughter off today at a public petrol station half way and she had someone there with her who was giving him dirty looks which he felt he didn't have time to say bye properly.we just want the best for his daughter and want to move forward with our lives without being harrased and her kick off all the time.i don't know we're she gets the information from either .is there anything we should habe done or can husband doesn't know anything about her life but she asks about ours

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      Ohlucy 5 months ago

      So glad I found this. Have searched online before, but for some reason only now have come upon this. Thanks for sharing!

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      Confused 5 months ago

      What if she is grade-a level crazy enough to create detailed lies about him and her interacting "romantically". And he is continuing to have weak boundaries with her bc he feels sorry for her. AKA sending her flowers on Vday bc "no one deserves to be alone", and allowing her to come over on Easter because he knows "she misses the kids on the holidays". Sounds all nice and sweet but she is legit psycho and is trying to make our lives hell while daily pleading with him to "be a family again". Feeling sorry for her bc she's such a miserable person and wanting to show his kids they can "get along" should not be good enough reason for me to excuse his terrible boundaries right?! When she is harassing me and starting stuff bt us, and trying to make her kids hate me (they love me btw)?! Also, he tries not to tell me the things she says and does (i.e. Trying to kiss him) bc he knows it'll piss me off, but I feel like it's worse for me to not know??? I'm his first relationship since, we've been together for 5 months, but I don't want to continue if it's not going to change. Heeeeelp. He doesn't believe me that stronger boundaries doesn't make him a spiteful person.

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      Dealing with it on my own 6 months ago

      How can I contact you without posting a thread?

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      New Step-Mom 6 months ago

      I am so relieved to have found this article. I have been in a similar situation and have felt like I am the only person having to deal with such a crazy situation. I have been married just a few years and my husband has a high-conflict ex-wife. She left him for another man over a decade ago. As soon as she found out we were engaged, she threw a fit and moved the kids to another state so she wouldn't have to deal with us "rubbing in her face how happy we are". I have made every effort to be kind and sweet to her children. Instead of appreciating this, she has felt threatened and promised that I "will never be a mother to her kids". I completely understand that I am not their mom; I know my place and my role; I just want them to be happy and feel comfortable when they come visit. She has done nothing but viciously attack me over the past few years. She sends me hateful text messages in the wee hours of the morning which read like a rambling manifesto of a bitter, spiteful woman. And no, I do not respond to any of her texts. She has point blank told my husband she will make our lives a living hell. My husband is very passive when it comes to her and the kids and I have come to realize he has become desensitized to how cruel and abusive her words and treatment can be. He allows her to treat him like a doormat. He tells me if her treating him like a punching bag keeps her happy, then that means his kids will have some peace. While I certainly want his kids to have peace, I hate to watch someone I love being treated abusively. He tells me that's he's used to it. No one should ever get used to or comfortable with verbal and mental abuse. Each time she finds out I've done something with the kids during their visits, she throws a hellacious tantrum. It's to the point where the kids don't even speak to me anymore when they come, as they don't want to feel like they are betraying their biological mom. It is so awkward and uncomfortable for everyone to be in a house together for a weekend with people who literally do not speak one word to you or acknowledge your existance. For a person new to this situation, this is quite overwhelming. Anyone who has experienced something similar and has some advice, I would love to hear it.

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      Erica 6 months ago

      We have done all of these steps...but it is not full proof. We still have to deal with crazy regardless, because of switching the kids around the holidays.

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      thatsurfergirl 6 months ago

      Oh my goodness. This sounds EXACTLY like my current situation. Reading this is absolute gold for me. We already use OurFamilyWizard and record everything. Sometimes I feel the need to tell the ex-wife, "Please don't say that to me in front of your daughter," when she starts making inflammatory statements and name calling. But, even that gets her to start yelling at us, reporting false stories on "The Wizard", chasing us around the car when we are trying to leave for visitation, etc... It's been a nightmare. It sounds like even a simple, "Please be respectful," just isn't worth it. I'd rather my stepdaughter see that I'm just not going to stoop to that level and, sometimes, you don't have to say anything because your actions speak volumes about your better character.

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      NO Gray area 6 months ago

      Loved this article. I am both a mom and a bonus-mom. I am trying to get my husband on board. Hoping this article will help. Thanks for posting !

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      April Wine 7 months ago

      Wow I keep getting made to feel like I'm the only one going through this stuff it's nice to know I'm not alone.

      I've been with my Fiancee through his divorce but I was in a PHD program at the time and the ex-wife stalked me online sent things to my school and just generally made my life hell until I had a cease and desist sent to her.

      That was three years ago now we are planning our wedding and she somehow found one of our registries and threw a fit. She sent me emails at my work tying to say he's been seeing her which isn't possible because he and I live together and are together all the time.

      She has sent horrible things to her son she decided she didn't want her weekend and then told him in a text that she never wanted to see him or his father again. Then a week later she's saying that he owes her an apology and his dad does too and that they need to sit down and talk. My Fiancee blocked her number and she tried texting him from another number making threats.

      Her son says she needs to get over it and that she is crazy. I've filed two police reports against her for harassment. She claims to be worried about her son getting hurt but then she sends him texts threatening to end her own life.

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      Indigo97 7 months ago

      I'm so grateful to find out that I'm not the only one dealing with a seriously crazy ex-wife!

      OMG! This is REALLY long! I've practically written my own article! But I really need to say this somewhere that someone else will relate to my feelings.

      Read at your own peril!

      I met my husband about 6 weeks before his divorce was finalized. He was an officer in the Army at the time making good money. The money thing is important later.

      From the beginning, I have kept very, VERY limited contact with her. I've kept her on a short leash, tied to my neighbors fence who lives on the other side of the city, in the back yard with a lock on the chain, a muzzle on her mouth and shackles on her feet. I knew not to talk to her much going into this. But she has still managed to dump her drama and misery into my life. I don't believe the woman has ever been happy. For that matter, I don't think she even knows what happiness is. It's really sad, and ordinarily, I would have compassion. In this case, I simply can't afford it.

      I thank God everyday that she lives on the other side of the country. I am afraid of what she might do if she lived close by, even 10 hours away. She's mentally and physically abusive. After years of martial arts, I can defend myself. But she is well versed in manipulation. If something serious happened, I can easily see myself ending up in jail for assault. Not because I would willingly hurt her, but because she would probably say I did when I was only defending myself against her.

      I'm not so much afraid of her as I am of the consequences of dealing with her, not only for me, but for my husband and her kids.

      I could plainly see that she's a fruit loop when he first told me about her. I don't remember what we were talking about one night when he said something related to her, but I told him then that she had warped his mind, brainwashed him. The wife isn't often thought of as the abuser. But believe me, she is a walking contradiction to the stereotype. I seriously didn't believe people like her actually exist!

      After she found out about me, she told my husband that her doctor found a spot on her cervix. She quickly added that my husbands doctor friend in the army wouldn't find it in her records because she didn't use her insurance, still Tricare at the time, for medical services.

      That was mid November. By Spring Break of the following year, about 4 1/2, maybe 5 months later, she had, in order... Cervical cancer, then uterine cancer that resulted in the loss of "A" uterus, yes one uterus followed by the removal of a Fallopian tube. She lost a breast do to cancer AND had reconstructive surgery. All in less than 5 months. She didn't lose her hair during chemotherapy because of some mysterious new treatment that she couldn't remember the name of.

      The reconstructive breast surgery happened when we went to visit his kids. I've talked to women who had breast surgery. They've all told me that driving is an impossible task for a long time after surgery. No problem for her though!

      It took him a while to see what I see.

      He married her when she got pregnant. She told him it was his kid and he believed her. This was before DNA was easily accessible like it is now. It couldn't be more obvious that she is not his kid. He told her he didn't want more kids. Every time he got serious about leaving her, she would end up pregnant again. If it wasn't pregnancy, it a serious disease she claimed to have. Or someone died, or she was having nervous break down. If none of those worked, she played on his Christian principles. He stayed with her for nearly 20 years trying to make himself love an abusive, manipulative woman.

      Like I said, at the time of his divorce, he was making pretty good money. He just wanted to get away from her. She didn't have an attorney, but if you saw the terms of the divorce, you'd think he tried to kill her. He gave her everything she wanted short of the washer and dryer and custody of his kids. He asked her to leave one television when she moved out of the house. She didn't leave a single thing, except the washer and dryer. I suspect she only left it because either she couldn't move them by herself, or there wasn't enough room on the truck. There probably wasn't room on the truck.

      The things he agreed to were mind boggling. They had both borrowed an enormous amount of money from her uncle. It was a verbal contract, nothing on paper

      Her uncle had taken out a loan from the bank for them. In the terms of the divorce, they were supposed to make equal payments on the loan. If her uncle died before it was paid off, my husband was to make payments to her instead. It didn't matter that the remainder of the loan would become part of his estate, that the bank that made the loan has rights to repayments, that the debt would come out of the estate before anyone got anything, not her. Crazy!

      I don't doubt that you already know she never made a single payment. She took credit for all the payments my husband made and told her uncle that my husband was blowing her off! Thankfully, my husband and her uncle are friends so he knows she's a liar, always has been a liar. He told my husband he has more credibility with him than his own niece, even after the divorce! She screwed her own uncle over to later on over this loan.

      Between the alimony that she wouldn't have qualified for, child support and a host of other expenses my husband paid on her behalf, to ensure the welfare of his kids, she was getting close to $35,000 a year in support. She didn't have to work for a single thing. Yet his kids were always in want/need of necessities. Before we were married, before I even met his kids, I was sending them things they needed. I'm not their mother! I don't even have kids of my own!

      Before she even met me, she told her kids I look like a drug addict, that I AM an addict, that I'd been having an affair for years before the divorce. Never mind that I had just moved to the area when I met my husband. She told my husband I was only with him for the money, that I didn't really love him... I know some of those things are pretty standard, but if you knew her and the way she has of saying things....

      After we got married it got really bad for my husband, AND her kids. She would call in the middle of the night demanding that we drive across the country to his daughter because she was kicking her out. We told her we couldn't leave until morning.

      We called when we were on the way. He told his daughter not worry about bringing things with her. We would get things she needed after she got here.

      So we were literally getting into the car to go get his daughter when we called. His ex-wife said she never said any such thing. She told her kids and anyone that would listen that my husband was coming up on a whim to TAKE his daughter. So of course the other kids were upset. Mom told them that he loves the one daughter over the other two. Crazy doesn't even begin to describe it.

      On and on, numerous things like this! Too many to think of with out losing my mind.

      One of the things she did, seemingly on a routine basis was threaten to call my husbands commanding officer. I already know she told lies about him to people he worked with when they were still married, so I wouldn't put it past her. His CO never talked with him about anything, but suddenly things started to go awry for him.

      My husband has always had excellent reviews, recommendations to be sent to school for the next grade up. I can't remember exactly what they call it, but it's basically a promotion in the Army. He was always highly regarded by his peers, despite her lies. But now he had a new commanding officer and suddenly he was getting negative reviews. That was around he military was cutting back cut backs. My husbands year group was targeted as one of the first places they would look at. Sure enough, he was selected for involuntary separation.

      Good bye $35,000 a year in free support. He just couldn't afford it. He makes a third of what he was making before separation. He makes less now than he was giving her every year.

      I'm out of characters :-(

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      Brenda 7 months ago

      I did this finally sadly did not read this until now but after 7 yrs and her turning 2 kids against myself and my husband who we raised full time I said I was done. No more drama or abuse for me! She kept texting when she "wanted something" but I did not respond. Finally hubby asked her to stop also. She claims I have no say in raising "her" kids then fine

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      NoDramaMom 7 months ago

      Does anyone just get to the point where you want to give up? I love my significant other, and his two kids immensely. But I am honestly not sure how much more I can mentally handle. I have been turned into CPS (on an allegation that is not true), I have been served a harassment order based on information that is not true. Heck I am even being attacked for calling them my bonus kids and me their bonus mom!

      And we are now seeking an attorney (that we cannot afford) on this new harassment order issue. Which in turn, could possibly cost me my government job. All based on false allegations.

      I am just tired.

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      Stuck In the middle 7 months ago

      Thanks for writing the article. I, like most of you, have the crazy ex to deal with. My husband and I met when we was going through his divorce. Thinking back now, I should have never gotten involved with someone who's divorce wasn't finalised. But I digress.

      She truly is nuts. First of all, she only wanted to divorce him to get half of his assets. Then she wanted to take him back in but not be married. This way she would have had a lot more money than she did in the first place.

      He was scheduled to move out of the family home (after it being sold) on the 1rst of october. I had just signed a lease with him in August where I would move in on the 25th and he would follow later.

      She decided to snoop and found out that he was moving in with me....remember, divorce proceedings were in the works. She threw him out of his home on the 27th of August. I only had 2 days in my new place and was still in boxes.

      She tried to run me off the road with her car TWICE. Yelled at me numerous times. Tried to get my salary as part of the divorce agreement, and now wants to send her son to boarding school at 50K per year and wants us to pay half. She's taken pictures of my home to show her lawyer. Tried to hit my husband with adultery charges to take full custody.

      It's all about money.

      She lies, steels, you name it...quite the crazy bitch.

      I'm 10 years into my relationship and have finally cut all possibility of her contacting me. I want nothing to do with her and have said as much to her on my last text. I have tried to help in all kinds of ways but yet she backstabs me in all kinds of ways that I no longer want to deal with.

      I am even thinking of divorce to get away from all of this. I'm hitting the big 5 0 this year and really dont need or want this in my life.

      I love my husband but not more than I love myself.

      I'm almost in tears that I write this. Frustrated and burnt out.

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      Guitarzan_1971 8 months ago

      I am a step dad and while my wife's ex and father of my stepdaughter started out as the ex from hell things got better.

      We had CPS called on us three times. We were interviewed, the kids were interviewed without us there while at school, and our house was inspected. We had animal control called on us and our animals checked as well. I had the police called on me several times with false reports. The list goes on and on.

      I refrained from contact with him completely and was careful never to disparage him. When his daughter asked why her dad was acting like he was I would simply say that he is angry. That being angry in these situations is natural and it can take some people longer than others to let go of their anger. I would also say that I am sure her dad was a good guy and that people say things they don't mean and do things they wouldn't normally while they were angry.

      After a while he moved on, had another child, and recognized the need to cooperate. Now he and his current fiance are down right friendly. I routinely hang out for a while when I pick up my step daughter. There is zero stress. Hang in there it can get better

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      Mrs.Will 9 months ago

      Thank you for posting this article. I never knew just how batshit crazy and someone could be until I met my finances ex. She does pretty much everything you said in this article. We have implemented similar things that you mentioned but she remains unreasonable when it comes to abiding by the court order. When he takes her to court she always turns it around and makes up some sort of abuse so the court turns into a domestic hearing rather than a hearing for the court order. When she finds out we're engaged, he probably won't be allowed to see his child for months (ever again according to her past threats) until of course the child needs something. I feel like I won't be able to announce my engagement or wedding because crazy pants will find some way to ruin the day. Not just that, she'll punish him like she does now and not allow him to see his daughter. I am thankful though to read the below comments and know that there are others going through this terrible ordeal and they have done their best to deal with the crazy TOGETHER instead of giving up.

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      Michelle 9 months ago

      I am an ex wife - my husband is remarrying a woman whom he met four months ago and I made it very clear to her I do not want to coparent with her nor do I want to have any relationship with her whatsoever. She has no children yet seems to have an opinion on the shoes my son wears and the brand names of the clothing he wears! Trust me when I say I want to have as little interaction with my exhusband! My ex had affairs for years and started an affair with a woman at work when I was 8 months pregnant and essentially abandoned us when my son was a newborn. This woman has asked me to come to her home for dinner and my ex husband suggested we even get a mani and pedi together??!! Let me just say this - why on earth would I want to have anything to do with my husbands fiancée when for years my husband cheated and lied to me? My ex only recently said he was a changed person because of this woman and says the three of us need to have a "nice" relationship? This is the man who has had no interest in co parenting until this woman showed up in his life and now he's putting on a show just to impress her! Second wives - unless you have a geniune interest in wanting to get to know the mother of your step children, consider using patience and think about what topics impact the step child!

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      Tired of it 9 months ago

      So Dannio45, what do you propose we do? Ignore the kids when they're over because 'we're not their mom'? That makes no sense.

      Harassment by an ex (wife or husband) really happens. So much so that the U.K. has passed a law against it. Your comment sounds like you believe all step parents are evil and all ex's are just innocent victims. Not at all true.

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      dannio45 9 months ago

      I have a different perspective. My advise is to stop kidding yourselves. They are not your kids so stop trying. They are goong to hate you the exwife hates you for trying to be their mom. You will never be their mom. I know, I know. You say you love them just as much as your own. Bullshit. You dont. I work for Child protection and I can tell you the vast majority of abusers are steps parents. So, the quicker you realize your step kids are not your kids the better

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      Tired of it 9 months ago

      Ewent, you are out of line on this thread. I agree with your comments about some second wives wishing their new husbands had no past. My stepmom still pretends we don't exist, after over 30 years. It's my dad's and her loss, not to have relationships with us or their grandkids.

      However, this thread is about a different problem altogether. You negate the reality that there are some ex-wives out there that are truly way out of line and behave in ways that are completely unacceptable when you say things like the only reason second wives defend themselves is because they wish the ex and kids did not exist.

      I am now married to a wonderful man and have a fantastic stepson that lives in another country. His mom took him there when she left, and although he could have used the courts to force her back with their child, he chose not to...recognizing that she desperately wanted to live near her mom and in her hometown with their son going forward. He bears 100% of the expenses to visit his child and is more than willing to do so. One example of the crazy and cruel behavior he puts up with is this...we just flew across the world (5,000 miles...I'm not talking just from US to Canada here) for a planned visit. Upon arriving, we learned that he would not be with us the whole weekend because he had activities and parties scheduled. We had him for one hour Friday night, then she picked him up to go to his church youth group mtg. We got him back for bedtime, then she picked him back up Saturday after breakfast to go to a trampoline birthday party for some other kid. We got him back for part of Saturday until he had to leave for a rugby team Christmas party, then we had him that night and lost him again Sunday morning so he could go to church. She agreed to this visit in advance, and yet wouldn't allow him to miss these events in order to see his father, who he sees in person maybe 4 times a year (due to the distances).

      She piles on the criticism and animosity, and goes dark for weeks at a time, with my husband being unable to get in touch I. Order to speak to his son.

      There are many many more things I could say, but I'll leave this here.

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      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 9 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      Women today have NO excuse to accept alimony unless they are and have been handicapped. When Newt Gingrich left his 1st wife, she was undergoing chemotherapy. As soon as his 2nd wife was diagnosed with MS, he was onto Wife No. 3. Sorry but these women deserved alimony. When it comes to alimony, a man is supposed to be adult enough to understand the full ramifications of "COMMITMENT." Second wives too often and for the sake of convenience, want their formerly married husbands' pasts erased. How is that supposed to work if she is 70 years old, he demanded she be a housewife and now that he has discovered 5 hour erections thanks to Viagra, his 40 year commitment to his wife just disappears?

      The point here is that both husband and wife KNEW going in theirs was a life commitment. Marriage, like life, isn't made in heaven. There are no guidebooks because every married couple is different from the minute they say "I do." They say "I do" and then, when grass looks greener, "they don't." How adult is that?

      I personally advise women to cut the tie cleanly. That means no alimony and demanding the other parent actually spend more time on parenting than on an insecure second wife who wants to pretend she didn't know he had "baggage."

      If you are able to work, the immense pleasure and sense of freedom you get from earning your own money and doing with it what YOU and only YOU please is the most exhilarting experiences of any woman's life. You divorce and cut the ties and have your life all to yourself. To do with as only you choose. Why waste time on yesterday's leftovers? Your marriage is over. Get on with your life. He or she surely will get on with theirs. Why on earth would anyone hang onto old baggage that's no longer valid? Life is an adventure. It isn't a marriage made in heaven. That's a fairy tale too many childish women and some men choose to believe.

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      BB 10 months ago

      I was a single mother to a son. His dad and I had a very low conflict custody agreement & we did try to bend for my son's sake. My son didn't know any financial issues or personal issues I had with his dad until he was 16 and figured it out on his own. His dad was chosen for him, not by him. He is now 22 and living on his own going to school in another city. That being said, I know that side of a child's wants and needs from both parent's. I have now married a man with 4 kids, 14,11,10 & 8. He has joint, 50/50 custody and pays almost $2000 mthly in child support, plus all medical, dental & vision insurance. This is still not good enough for mom who tells the kids he is blowing his money on me. I work a 40hr a week job, pay my insurance benefits, my car payment and I had a house prior to our marriage. We have redone all the rooms in the house to accommodate the kids and make it a home for us all. His ex has told the kids horrible lies about me. She has told them that their dad and I had an affair (she had the affair) we met 2 weeks before divorce finalized. She bought a cell phone for the daughter & has the 11yr old recording us in our home. She has texted the 2 older kids messages stating that I am the devil and that they need to pray for their dad to be released from my clutches. That I am what is keeping their family from being whole again. Sends them snapchats with pouty faces when they are with us saying she is so lonely and needs them to be with her. She showed up at our wedding reception and started a fight with a relative that was trying to get her to leave the premises and then called the police that had to interview people for 2hrs. Needless to say, she had an agenda and prevailed. She has called the police another time prior to say that my sister in law was harassing her when she picked the kids up from a BBQ at their grandmothers. My husband will get texts saying that she is going to try and be better for the kids and that is usually the kiss of death. She will go publicly on a rant that is from no where. She has told my husband that the kids hate me & we have a recording where the 3 of the kids have said that they will be in trouble if their mom finds out the had any association with me because the 11yr old is the "mole". The 11yr old treats her dad horribly and he has taken her phone while at our home only to be told by her that she will not give him her password. What 11yr old tells a parent that they cant have password to a phone!?! He and I went to counseling to see how to handle transitioning (we never brought kids for overnights until we were married). Counselor feels like ex is a narcissist and wont stop unless court ordered. We had lawyer send letter to stop the verbal toxic name calling that is showing contempt and it did nothing. Now she will tell him to stop texting when he is responding to something she has sent about the kids or she will send him a random "pic of the kids" via text while they are with her. I have tried to talk to the ex telling her that I am not nor will I try to replace her. I have tried to communicate with the kids and have fun holiday activities, to which they may go the full week not saying a word to me to just getting a basic yes or no on a question. The 14yr old has been great and I see the stress on her when she feels like the younger kids see her talking to me. It breaks my heart for her to deal with this kind of stress when she should just be worrying about homework and the newest fashion trend. The 10 & 8 yr old follow the 11yr olds game plan. The 11yr old made plans on our weekend and we observed a huge change in the younger 2 kids. They went shopping with me alone. They watched movies, baked cookies and talked my head off. It just showed us that the 11 yr old with push from mom causes a lot of tension in our home. I feel that your tidbits of help are very good ideas. I do hear some of the comments to be in their own version of hell. As for the kids needs 1st comment. Kids don't choose divorce, and they aren't objects. However, staying in a home where parents fight and yell every day just so the kids don't have to be kids of divorce isn't healthy either. Life isn't fair and it isn't a game of Candyland. Divorce hurts. People can heal if they let go of what they cant control. Goodluck to all the parent's that are trying to do right and to the stepparents who fell in love with a man/woman that had children and a crazy ex.

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      Bo Dee 10 months ago

      I am engaged to a wonderful man who has an "animal" for an ex wife. They have been divorced for nine plus years and she has since been bent on making his life "a Living hell".

      She has always inter-fared in his relationships following their divorce. Unfortunately they share a physically and mentally challenged child for whom he has unfailingly provided and cared for himself until the court awarded her (the ex) custody of the child . I have also been the target of her harassment however I stopped her in her tracks when she began contacting me. My fiance however has no choice but to be in contact with her from time to time, and boy does she take it to the next level. She has made it difficult for him to see his daughter, playing mind games , not showing up at agreed times to hand over and retrieve the child. Whenever he returns from those exchanges he is tense, and withdrawn.

      Fast forward to one week ago. This child has cerebral palsy and can do nothing for herself. On many occasions when she cane to us we have noticed her skin yellow and her lips dried both signs of dehydration. Decaying teeth, trouble passing stool etc. Six days ago she fell ill however her mother (the ex) never bothered to take her to the doctor and by Sunday she was clearly in distress. On Monday morning she passed away. This drama queen throws the ultimate grief tantrum; screaming, rolling on the floor etc etc. My fiance had just come in from work that morning when she called saying the child was terribly ill. He immediately made an appointment and took the child to the doctor by which time it was too late. In order to keep the peace and out of respect for the child's life I avoided any contact with her during the funeral planning. I was not allowed to see the child at the morgue since she was there with her relatives. That was hard to take.

      Following the funeral began calling my ex saying how responsible she feels and how tired she is because of sleepless nights. I advised him that he should discontinue all communication with her. Both his parents gave him the same advice as well as some friends and relatives who knew of their tumultuous marriage. Relatives who he had not seen in years attended the funeral simply to support and protect him as they knew that drama their marriage has been and what his ex is capable of . I was constantly on the phone with him from my office assisting him with putting the funeral together while she showed up late for every appointment there was. To my dismay just two days ago I discovered that they have been in daily communication. I felt betrayed, helpless, frustrated and angry. I confronted him about it (calmly). He turned on me cursing and calling me names, yelling at me to leave him alone as he drove madly through the street while threatened to leave me. Nasty mess this all turned out to be. Needless to say I am still reeling with shock. As I write I can feel the tears and my throat constricting. I'm thinking its time to go. He has apologized and begged me not to leave.He has promised to seek help. He asked his god mother to talk to me about giving us another chance. Help help help... Someone please help me. this hurts like hell and I don't know if i'm thinking straight right now but all I feel like doing is running for dear life.

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      vinster 11 months ago

      Ex-wives should realize that taking immense amounts of money and making no effort to work is going to make everyone resent them and dislike them. can you imagine giving money to someone you no longer love, has hurt you and children tremendously? its painful. If they truly cared. If they truly wanted to be "independent" in the way that they imagined when they checked out of the family.. they need to get a job and move on. Moving out is not the same as moving on.

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      newlythere 11 months ago

      I've finally met the one for me after being divorced myself for 5 years. My Ex and I never had any crazy issues we didn't get through or get over quickly. He has been with a woman them 5 years who is great to my kids while they have them. Everything about my union with my loving boyfriend has been absolutely amazing and we talk regularly about becoming engaged. BUT he has one of these Exes without boundaries.

      It started out with damanding phone calls when she knew we were together. Moved to breaking and entering while he wasn't home helping herself to whatever she wanted on to her coming to his home uninvited while she knew we were there alone and letting herself and thier kids inside before we could get to the door and questioning him in front of thier kids about if we were having sex! It escalated from there to her being caught in a lie with her boyfriend about my BF being abusive to her so she felt the need to keep the lie up all the way through court where it was promptly thrown out after costing my partner big bucks for a lawyer. She has been caught in several lies and manipulations since, but none we have had to deal with on a personal level since following the lawyer's advice to limit contact to email and stay proactive documenting everything and steering clear of interactions that could be used by her to eradicate trouble. They go through a 3rd party for exchanges as a result as well.

      She imediately continued to attack, accuse, demand, threaten, and use the kids for her own devices even after talking with the lawyer after court and limiting to email, so he was advised to limit even that to a specific time unless there is an emergency. She continues to disrespect the boundaries, continues leaving him without answers so he has to keep going to her, continues to manipulate the kids. It is amazing some of the personal attacks she has tried to make on me by teaching the kids hateful things to say to us that were SO obviously scripted and taught to them.

      I can say that the lawyer's advice has definately brought a lot of peace into our lives. Her drama is not a daily stress on us anymore. I wish she would stop the continued finger pointing and manipulating. We hope that one day she'll realize that this isn't about winners and loosers and that we all just want to move on with healthy relationships, but that will never happen between them as long as she keeps up this charade. She cheated on her husband, ran around with men after they separated and continued to try to come back to him whenever it was convenient for her. When he finally moved on himself she flipped the script and went haywire. So what!? It happened, it is in the past, lets move on.

      Now she keeps manipulating his family and acting like she just wants everyone to be friends and wants to be able to text and call him again "for the kids" and keeps trying to make him out to be at fault for it. She doesn't realize that everyone keeps catching her in lies still. She tells different people different things and expects they wont talk to eachother and add it up. AND she continues sending threats and trying to manipulate to get what she wants.

      It took a lawyer telling him to limit contact to finally have a semblence of normalcy in our lives. It is going to take her actually being a trustworthy person to be treated like one.

      Researching how to deal and comunicate with a narcisist was gold for us too. She fit the part to a T and it has helped us in keeping conflict minimum and being proactive. We have to stay on our toes so we don't send her into a rage that causes more stress on the kids and us. At least when they come here they know they are allowed to Love everyone, and they'll grow up and realize they see the truth about things for themselves. I just hope by then she gets healthy and they never have to be faced with knowing thier Mother is anything less than wonderful. They deserve that.

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      Anonymous 15 months ago

      Contact this Email;Robinson.buckler @ and get your lover back

    • Ewent profile image

      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 17 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      I'm afraid I don't believe in "spells" because it sounds too much like a control freak trying to prove "power" they don't really have. The reality is that a divorce means your "ex" is as much a stranger as any man or woman you meet on the street. It means you have no other option but to move on with your life, leave the past between you and an "ex" behind you, in a sealed vault, if necessary and begin to build the very best future you can. Anything less is just an excuse for hanging on for dear life to someone who is no longer part of your life. It is always far better to cut the ties cleanly and leave no "lint" behind than to mentally "wish" for the past that will never come.

      To all first wives I say you are important. Your "ex" and his next wife or wives are of no significance. However, if there are children of that first marriage, he must take responsibility for his part in bringing children into the marriage, his life and yours. I am adamant that the number of men who believe they can find greener pastures and pretend away the children they created do not get away with their part of that responsibility. Any woman who marries a man with children knows his baggage and it is always her choice whether to live with a future that includes those children of his first marriage or to choose a different man. Anything less is a woman who wants a husband..just not his living, breathing past.

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      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 18 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      She said/she said. You know you cannot trust a single word either a first or second wife says in the throes of a bitter divorce.

      But, there is one thing I remain resolute about: No second wife has the right to pretend her husband's children don't exist.

      My ex's second wife tried that and before he died, he regretted with his entire life that he spent so little time with his sons and more time with her daughters of her first marriage. Their father? She quite handily eradicated his existence from her daughter's lives.

      I always felt sorry for his second wife. She was obsessed with competing with me and the thing she could never compete with was something I couldn't change ever...I was the mother of her husband's two children. She wasted 21 years of her marriage to him always looking over her shoulder.

      Before my ex died, I think he knew how much time he'd spent with the daughters of another man and how little time he spent with his own blood-related sons. His loss, not mine.

      It is always in hindsight that adults finally reconcile their animosity toward others. My advice to all first and second wives? Get on with YOUR life. You can't erase your husband's past and she can't erase your future unless you allow her to.

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      mstfd 18 months ago

      Not sure what Ewent means by "Second Wife Defense" because you really can't lump everyone into the same category. I've read many second marriages fail because stepkids can and do cause conflict. As a stepdaughter, I saw my teen sister intentionally cause problems with my stepmother.

      My sister simply didn't want to share my dad with anyone and she made my stepmother's newly married life awful. I was already grown and was appalled at my sister's behavior, as was my mother. Sister didn't stop until she was almost 30!

      In my current life, I can very much relate to the crazy situation in this article. My husband's ex had shown minimal interest in her children, until I came along and she found they made wonderful weapons. Never mind what it did to the kids or my husband. The kids, all in their teens at the time, have been messed up from their mother's manipulations. The oldest had a wonderful high school career, yet can't make it through college. The middle one is quiet and is afraid to have a relationship with my husband because of the repercussions from his mother. The youngest is hostile and refuses to speak to my husband or her grandparents. The entire family is suffering from the acts of this horrible mother. All three kids identify as gay. Which is fine-but all three?? What are the odds of that?

      I didn't know my husband when he divorced, but she has told people I broke up their marriage. Never mind she has had a boyfriend and had affairs with girlfriends well before the divorce was final. I moved to this community to be with my husband so he could continue involvement with his children. So much for that. Now we are stuck here until my own teen graduates. I can't wait.

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      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 19 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      Most second wives go into "defense mode" like good little mommies of their latest child addition to the family...their husbands.

      If you have to defend your husband, it is a clear sign he loves it. And if he loves it, it is because he knows you have bought into his psychological need to make himself look good and is ex wife look bad.

      Mature minds faces their differences without referees.

      I don't buy the Second Wife Defense. Not when men know how to manipulate women as well as second wives know how to play good little wife. Second marriages fail almost as often as first marriages..all because the same baggage hasn't been resolved.

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      Taking the high road 19 months ago

      This is great advice. My husband's ex is BPD. So we have to starve her (not respond to her constant accusations, ramblings) to keep our family & sanity intact. We have boundaries for she has none so someone has to be sane to raise the kids. We follow the rules above. When you stop trying to negotiate with an irrational person, and simply set your own rules, its liberating (and sometimes,rarely, but occasionally you can even laugh.) And for the sake of the kids, they need parents with some humor and sanity. Those who disagree with this likely have no experience in dealing with this type of mental illness. BPD is one of the most manipulative mental illnesses out there. We have our sanity because we don't engage in crazy.

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      Momof5 20 months ago

      Have any of you looked into narcisstic personality disorder? Researching it and trying to understand the way my husband's ex really thinks has made it way easier for me to accept the fact that itbis not my problem, its hers.

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      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 21 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      There are always adults who never really made it to adulthood. The type of childish behavior you describe is typical of controllers. The way you deal with threats from anyone, man or woman, is to ask yourself what you'd do if it was a perfect stranger threatening you.

      No one should ever have to live in fear of someone else's threats.

      As for your husband's children, he has every right to visits as assigned by the courts. That's an issue easily resolved by the courts.

      You have to learn to give as good as you get with one caveat...take full advantage of the law. It is on your side. Learn to document her threats and if possible, warn her you intend to take legal action.

      Trust me, few single moms can afford lawyers.

      The issue with the kids is soon resolved once they become old enough to socialize with their friends. Children have an odd way of processing bad behavior in parents. They either accept it as a right or they know it is neurotic and out of the range of adult behavior.

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      Shecray 21 months ago


      Thank you and I know. It's just as much his fault because he said yes! It's just hard because usually if that happens you can let that person escape your life and relationship but not with this one and she is CRAAAAZEEEE! I have not done one thing to her and she calls me the b word and has threatened to smash my car in and that message was deliver to me and him through their 4 year old daughter, and she threaten to kick my butt for cutting their sons hair (I'm a licensed cosmetologist) it's insane and definitely hard sometimes. And the sad thing is she doesn't understand how it's hurting the kids nor does she care! As long as she's getting that child support check.

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      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 21 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      Shecray..Yeesh..I thought I was the only one with an ex who cheated with his first wife on his soon to be second wife..rofl.

      First wives need to be given credit for their years of marriage experience the second wife is yet to amass. This is true even when the second wife was previously married.

      The reality is that men and women simply do not know each other until they live together.

      What you described about the cheating is not really "her" fault. And, let's be honest...for ANY man to be seduced, he'd have to be born without a brain or free will. Intelligent men use the word "NO" frequently when it means serious consequences.

      Most women are far more devious than we all admit to. I suggest that male ego was more the problem with your husband and that glorious temptation to have sex with two women..every man's dream. Some just don't admit it or hide it better than others.

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      Shecray 21 months ago

      I love this advice. The hard part is his ex gas seduced him into having sex with her and he did. So he cheated on me with her. And she's the one who told me about it just to prove he's a cheater. But then she turns around and tells me she doesn't want him along with making our lives a living hell... I love him and his kids so much so I can't leave... Any advice?

    • Ewent profile image

      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 21 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      The only reason a second wife feels she must defend her position is because she knows she married a man who came with a lot of past baggage SHE can't make disappear.

      Not all stepmoms are witches. The ones who complain the most are the ones who wish they owned a magic wand to make their Dear Darling Second Husbands pasts disappear.

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      Tired BM 21 months ago

      Not all BM are bat shit crazy. There are PLENTY of fathers like this too!!! My ex's wife AND him are nuts. It's sad. Please, stop blaming BMs. SM and BD are just as bad too. It happens on BOTH sides.

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      PLB331 21 months ago

      Great article, I would pin it but "she" stalks my Instagram!!!

    • Ewent profile image

      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 2 years ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      Here are 5 easy steps for dealing with a jealous second wife:

      1. Ignore her pathetic attempts to erase your ex's past

      2. Ignore her and her neurotic games

      3. Ignore her and her childish attitude of having to have all of Daddy's attention

      4. Ignore her whining and complaining about you because she has to live in your shoes to validate who she is

      5. Ignore her and her jealous tantrums

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      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 2 years ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      Mother2Many, the women who claim they were "found out" by a legally married wife perhaps expected the legally married wife to just shake the other woman's hand and say, "He's all yours. And thank you for tearing my family apart."

      If you notice, the women and men on this thread who are the most militant towards an ex wife wish she would have disappeared so they could walk together off into the sunset, erase the children of a previous marriage and pretend they are two innocent lambs whom fate threw together for a lifetime of wedded bliss. More BS than this and you'd be the owner of the Brooklyn Bridge.

      Mothers who are smart allow free access to the fathers of their children. Second wives want to be Number one. This means before the children of his previous marriage. They may deny this; but, that wouldn 't explain why so many children of first marriages loathe their stepmothers who they sense want a complete eradication of their darling, dearest 2nd husband's children.

      I have always called this the "Second Wife Syndrome." It's where the some, not all, childish, neurotic second wives come between their 2nd husband's access to his children using their cutesy, coy little weekend "togetherness" routine.

      The reality is that there are some wonderful second wives who know how to act as an adult and not Daddy's little darling when children are involved. Then, there are the neurotics who can't abide the idea that their Darling hubby has a past. I should know. My sister-in-law wins the prize for Second Wives who know how to be accept reality.

      First Wives have every right to protect their marriages from women who don't have the common decency to realize that the man you want has a family and a wife. But do go ahead and take what you want and then complain about the First Wife From Hell you created.

      Sorry, I don't buy the Poor lil second wife and step mommy routine. He's your husband and has a past. The sooner you face that the better off and happier your lives will be.

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      a dad 2 years ago

      As a dad in this situation, I must say that the worst thing you can possibly do is constantly badger your partner into "standing up to your ex" or to communicate with the ex yourself.

      A mother generally has the ability to sabotage the relationship with kids and the legal situation is irrelevant. A loving dad will take whatever steps he thinks he has to to protect his relationship with his kids (whether he handles it well or not) If you are pushing him to what he sees as escalating conflict it will just cause tension in your own relationship. Be supportive but understand what he may fear, let him deal with it in a way that he is comfortable with.

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      Patricia Dudgeon 2 years ago

      GREAT article! My husband and I were together total of 11.5 years, (Married 9.5 of them) and from the second I was "learned" about, the high conflict ex started her bs, and this lasted for months after he passed away.

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      Mother2Many 2 years ago

      Has anyone asked WHY the ex is angry or crazy looking? I compare this type of situation to a boyfriend who hooks up with a new girl, and immediately warns her that his ex is psychotic. Well why is she so angry? In the instances I've seen, every single time it's because the guy is a 2-timing, pathological lying loser who doesn't want the new girl to know the truth about his past, or even his current actions. When it comes to dealing with similar in marriage, I tend to wonder the same because of my personal experiences. I have dealt with the trauma of a severely lying, cheating husband who acted one way to my face, but then was having a full affair with a woman at work. I had no idea! All I know is that he was still telling me he loved me dearly as always, wanted to have more babies together and we still discussed our future together. I was actually waiting to find out if I was pregnant with our next baby when he abruptly told me via email that he would not be coming home that night, but instead would go to a hotel to pray. It was every bit as bizarre as it sounds!! I was so very confused and hurt and didn't know what to tell our kids. We had always been a close family! Before the following day ended, I discovered the truth. He wasn't at a hotel, but was shacking up with this woman and neither one thought I'd never find out. My kids were devastated. All of a sudden, their father was gone as if he'd died because he was so infatuated with this new woman and rarely ever had anything to do with them. As the mother , and wife actually , watching this all play out, it was enough to drive anyone crazy! I wanted to know what he was doing, I demanded to know. I lost any bit if trust I had in him and could never see myself leaving my children with him again, but had to fight through my heightened emotions on that. And then the thought of the other woman?? Oh I had no good feelings about her part in all of this. She knew all about me and our family and she still went after a married man. Of course the thought came to my mind that after aaall both she and my husband put me and the kids through, would I ever have to tolerate her in my life as my kids stepmother?? Again, dealing with all the hurt and trauma such as I'd experienced, the very thought of this made me so angry. That someone could tear apart a family and then potentially insert herself as the new stepmom, or mother figure, to buddy up to my kids and have influence over their hearts and lives?? NO. So I firmly believe this article should have dealt more tenderly with the real mothers point of view! There's more than 1 side to a story.

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      Dianne 2 years ago

      How about being a stepmom and having a ex wife that has been divorced for 15 years from my Husband , who lost custody of her kids and never helped financially or emotionally... filled her kids with hate and has done her best to turn her kids against their father who raised them not her... She owes over 66 grand in back support and yet she has started ️Court back up because she is entitled to 20 percent of his retirement money which was never filed because ️She bankrupted her lawyer and now wants to stick my husband paying her lawyer fees, and yes now she also wants more alimony? What does one do? The kids are all grown and she cannot stay in our lives thru them anymore so now it's dragging us in and out of court.....I just don't understand why she cannot move on get married and have a life and get out I ours... ️Everytime we buy anything it all starts back up so fed up!!!!! If my Husband had of done to her financially with 3 kids she did to him he would be in jail!!! Dead beat moms should face the same consequences as dead beat dads!!!!!

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      2 years ago

      This is simple. Healthy blended families look like this. 1). The stepmom and ex- wife need not communicate at all. Stay away from each other. No phone calls no one on one communication. Whoever is looking up each other on Pinterest, Facebook whatever, grow up and get out of high school. 2) ALWAYS communicate with the other parent by text or method of proof about schedules, and important related info or decision making. You made a baby together now you must care for it. 3) The minute that abusive allegations of any mannor begin, document the information and respond to the complaining parent by offering (repeatedly) a mediator/counselor option to address the progress. Text this over and over to the accuser. (I will gladly confront this allegation with a professionals, would you like to make an appointment?). Always give the same solution in a response and no more. The birth parent should be the only one to attend. 4) If the child is accusing a stepmom. Stepmom, excuse yourself from being around that kid. Go find something else to do. Do not let yourself get in trouble. You now are a family within a family. If the mother falsely accused, it's only a matter of time and Dad will be as well. Stepmom, go get healthy away from the nutty ex- wife, find peace. Bio mom, you are now only to communicate about schedules, health, and school. Anything else, schedule an appointment with the designated counselor. If you love your child, you will follow these guidelines. Find a counselor/mediator and get a bible.

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      2 years ago

      Wow. Just saw this pinned on the stepmom's pinterest. Explains why my childs father has completely ignored him for 6 months even knowing that he's upset and hurt at his actions. Sometimes, the ex-wife isn't the monster you've been led to believe she is. Sometimes she just wants the past to be the past and to be treated with the same courtesy that would be given to someone you met on the street in the present. Sometimes it's the step-parents insecurities and the biological parents anger and inability to compromise that gets in the way - which ultimately is their loss.

      I think for people reading this - you need to try to see things from the other parents perspective before you label them as crazy, mad, evil, wicked, resentful, jealous, malicious etc. Things are never black and white.

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      Michelle 2 years ago

      Im not the step mom, I'm the mom. I can find all kinds of stuff from this,prospective but very little from the mom side. My ex husband and I got along fine until he remarried in November. Ive been remarried just over 3 years. The other day our daughter got her learners permit and I sent him a picture of her driving. I got a text saying "we should limit our texts to things that pertain to our daughter and her wellbeing. We're both married to other people and its not right to send pictures"

      I was floored. We had issues when we first separated but worked through them, then this new lady came along and it all went to hell. I have no idea what to do. The nicer i am, the worse it gets! Help!

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      Lou 2 years ago

      My husbands crazy ex wife blew his phone up via text saying she needed to talk o him when I wasn't around. And it wasn't about the child.. So he called her and all she wanted to do was tell him I was cheating on him. Which was a lie. She isn't suppose ton contact him unless its about the child.of course I was mad an told her she was ridiculous. So she told my husband he could not see his child as long as we were married!! And we haven't gotten her since. She keeps saying to take her to court ..and that wouldn't be our first time she has lied on my husband an almost made my husband lose his job!!! Even when w had her she made up dumb rules. Or made Dr spot that day or said his daughter ccouldn't stay the night or she didn't want to ..she was 4-5 years old! If court papers say over nights I don't know what she was thinking. But we Gave up an haven't spoke to her since. To much drama in our life we have other children. Hopefully his daughter will find out how selfish and ignorent her mother is and want to come around. We have seen her threw my husbands mother because he is the bad guy in there eyes of curse. But we don't let ot bother is anymore

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      AimRS 2 years ago

      THIS REPLY IS FOR "N", and anyone else in a similar place.

      N, I truly hope you are still following this thread. I signed up to this board ONLY to reach out to you and to implore you to protect your sweet child. Your son seems smart, kindhearted, perceptive, and impressionable. He does not sound like someone who is trying to draw attention or sympathy or that wants to be coddled. He needs your firm action and protection, even if there is no physical threat from his stepmom. I would actually be really proud of him for speaking up to her and asking her to treat him better. Some may say it's disrespectful and insubordinate, but I say Brave Boy!

      First of all, I can relate to your desire to keep your ex involved and active in your son's life, and to keep the peace. Trust me, I know how scary it is to be a single mother (we don't want to make mistakes or harm our kids!), not to mention burdensome timewise, energy-wise, and financially. My ex is a "good" father in general, but his behaviors were very much like what you described. When my ex and I split up, I was also doing everything myself and carrying the whole load (still am financially). He loves his dad deeply, and they were very close. I worried that my son would resent me if their relationship faded or if they didn't get to spend time together. So I bent over backwards to keep their relationship going and to keep them close. Even when my ex was a deadbeat, and a liar, and didn't show up or didn't make much of an effort. Even when he disrespected me in front of my son. Even though I was also burdened by his debt and never saw child support, I did what I thought was best for my son. And I am ashamed to admit it, but I would allow visitation even when I knew my ex was depressed, hostile, and angry. But when I started to notice my son's mood changing, I had to WAKE UP to what my son was experiencing and learning. And when my ex exposed my son to a similar "bedroom" situation, I LOST IT.

      It sounds like your ex is not the kind of man you want your son to become. And what is more important than allowing him to spending "time" with his father, is making sure that his father is a GOOD and healthy influence and that your child is being treated and taught in ways that serve his best interest and instill positive values and behaviors. Maybe your ex has good qualities and maybe they have fun together, but what you are describing to be your son's experiences and responses are VERY concerning (for example; whether he was hit or not, there is an important reason behind him telling you that... and i would not be so quick to assume he is lying, this doesn't sound like a boy crying wolf but more like a boy who sees a problem). You've been manipulated and abused by your ex for a very long time, and you are now being abused and manipulated by his wife. More importantly, SO IS YOUR SON. And speaking from experience, it will only get worse from here, much worse.

      Which is more important to you; that your son spend time with his father who is NOT trustworthy, responsible, respectful, protective, proactive, or willing to stand up to the new wife he doesn't respect enough to remain faithful to? Or that you guard your son from being forced to endure (and learn/adopt) unacceptable experiences and behaviors? Is that really the environment you want for your son? Are you really doing what's best for him by freely exposing him to it? This "stepmom" IS NOT your son's mother. Why on earth are you trying to reason with her? Why on earth are you trying to accommodate her or put her mind at ease? YOU are his mother, you're the boss, N! YOU are in control. That is YOUR role! I would say that if she respected and supported you and shared your parenting style, absolutely allow her some parental authority and respect. But I think you are allowing a very dangerous precedent. I would respectfully urge you to demand that they both complete co-parenting classes and counseling with you (a lot of government aid is available for this, and often churches will provide it for free.) Unless you gave them equal custody rights, this is your ball game. If you can't afford an attorney, at least set up a complimentary consultation to find out what your options are, and then seek whatever public-assistance type legal aid that's available in your area. The legal route is long and exhausting, and you will have a battle on your hands with them, to the point that you'll want to throw in the towel. But if you haven't given him equal custody, I am certain any judge would side with you.

      Again, from personal experience, I know it is hard to do, but right now the best thing you can do is force the father to spend time with him ONLY in your presence, if at all. The father needs to make all the effort from now on, he must abide by your rules and respect your boundaries. If your ex truly loves his son and truly wants a relationship with him and wants to provide the best future, he will cooperate eventually. If not, do you want you son to continue to grow attached to his dad? Do you really want your son to be treated with such a lack of love? I realize it might break your son's heart in the short term, but I promise it is the best thing for him in the long term, if things are really as bad as you've described. Now, my manipulative, passive aggressive, dishonest, irresponsible, selfish ex has gotten counseling and taken parenting classes, and he is playing by my rules. He's doing it because I won't give him any other choice if he wants a relationship with my son. My ex must be in a positive state of mind, and he must remain aware, responsible, protective, and active with him. And I am excited to say that his new gf treats my son very well and we communicate very effectively. I feel very comfortable when he is with her, and therefore I provide a pretty long leash.

      I will never ever again jeopardize my son's well being, just so that they can spend time together that ends up being crappy anyway. My job is to protect my son and ensure that all environments he is in are as healthy and stable as possible. And N, that's your job, too. We hear horror stories every day about people who snap. I'm not saying that spanking her children is a bad thing, I know discipline is necessary and every parent is entitled to instill it in the way they believe is best. But there is a very fine line between discipline and abuse with the personality type you've described. Clearly, she despises and resents your son. That could easily turn to HATE and hate invariably turns to physical and emotional abuse.

      Please be strong and DO NOT allow things to continue as you have. You must take back control and protect your son, even if that costs him his relationship with his father. Please believe me that your son will have a better future not learning from his father and enduring an emotionally unstable life and painful relationship with his stepmom. Some biomoms are crazy (which is the premise of the awesome article above). But MANY stepmoms are equally crazy and are very dangerous.

      Sorry for the length, and I know I've repeated myself a lot. But I'm speaking from experience and genuine concern. I hope you find the right path for you, and stick to it.



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      Michele 2 years ago

      We too had to deal with a VERY high conflict ex. I did the opposite, I did not bow down to her!! My husband could not stand to deal with her via email, phone or any form. 99% of the time the email communication was from me (as him) It didn't take her long to realize she could not control me, my husband or the kids. She backed off, but has never been civil. What really put the icing on the cake was HER kids (13-15) started realizing that she was the one causing the problems. They both tried talking to her and asking her to back off and live her life and leave us alone. She went nuts on the kids telling them we were brainwashing them. She tried to have the oldest arrested because he took his birth certificate from her house to apply for his drivers license. She got into a knock down drag out with the youngest and gave her a black eye. Needless to say, her son is now 27 and hasn't spoken to her in 9 years. He has a wife and 2 children that she has never met, and he said she will never meet. Her daughter, 24, is on speaking terms with her, but that maybe once a month. Our situation was a little different because the kids were older and they could see what was going on.

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      nichole 2 years ago

      This sounds like my ex and I have done all of this and he kept my youngest away from me for seven months but when he thought he was smart and he was sevearly in contempt I was able to get visits now and the judge flipped on him but we r also dealing with this for my s/o kids to the step mom from hell she just as bad and we go to court on the 27 so wish us luck I love my step baby's and miss them a lot and one thing for sure I can say is there mom was a good mom rip and I hope I'm half as good as her to those kids

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      Steve 2 years ago

      Great article it will help me get through this with my high conflict ex

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      sunflower 2 years ago

      oh i am so so happy i see this advice. my fiance's ex wife is crazy... if she calls he hangs up. we blocked her number, she calls from a dif phone. she calls and lies about something she wants to talk about which is not important. we block that number again. she screamed at me once because i told her she cannot manipulate us anymore. that was the only time she did that because i told her brother in law (who hates her guts) that he should tell her she is his ex. and the way she carried herself (she cheated on my fiancé numerous times and he tried to stay with her for the sake of their children but he couldn't take the fighting and her craziness so he left) her kids will find out eventually. people talk. and kids are cruel. sorry you had to deal with THAT much. omg if his ex decides to come outside the house and dance or whatever i will take a video and put it online. OMG thank god your friends were there for you. i cannot believe she banged on your door! PSYCHO!

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      2 years ago

      One thing I can not understand is how any loving mother can deliberatly turn their child against their father. My ex has put me through hell and back and has anger issues. And,I still do my best to support their relastionship. I am no saint in all this, however, it has challenged me to the core.

      I am not sure DD's stepmom hit him. The texting war was about the fact that DD was not coping with the way she disciplines her children (hence smacking, constant yelling, constant threatening etc) and his father using that same force on him. His father has never smacked him before until she came along. He told me se hit him a couple of weeks after that texting war and I thought he was lying. However, after our last incident ( read below), I am really worried that he was telling me the truth.

      DD struggles to see anyone get hurt. So, he stands up to it. It is not an authority issue or behavioural issue or a disrespect issue. He is simply confused as he has never seen any parent do that.

      I kept trying to reassure her that it does not mean she is a bad mom if she uses traditional disciplines styles. That I do not think that etc..No matter what I said, I was being attacked, my son was attacked and there was no room for reasoning. I have never ever dealt with anyone like this before.

      The last incident is that she slept with my son and his father whilst away on holidays. DD started to display sexualised behaviours for a few days later. I kept setting boundaries, until he said "but mummy, daddy does that to xxxx". I think what's happened is that they thought DD was asleep and one thing led to another and the rest is history. I confronted them both about it, but she accused me of harrasment and called the police.

      I told my ex, that if the lines of communication get closed down and that I continue to get abused, then I am not going to give them the respect anymore and just go stright to police.

      I never speak to her at all, never ever text her. We have had in the past 18 months maybe texting on 5 occasions due to issues like this.

      Now, she has posted all this rubbish on her pinboard about vicious biomoms. She is seeking support from your community that seems to be feeding her. She calls me vicious, etc, when I am not the one swearing and carrying on. I lost my temper once after she kept abusing me and my son over and over again. As I said before, all our arguments are via text and in writing, so this can be provan. I just want peace and I just want my boy to be happy and safe.

      I think counseling is the next step. For me, there is no peace as my boy goes there. Until she snaps out of this. She is vicious, dangerous and incredibly clever. Very scary mix.

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      GracieLu 2 years ago

      Wow. That's a lot to deal with. As someone else said above, it sounds like this article does not apply to your situation at all. Yes, smom pinned it. She sounds like a b*tch. Just like some bio moms are not the best, such is the same with smoms. If a smom hit one of my kids? Yes,I would get involved. Personally, i would not have any contact with the stepmom but would go through exH for everything. Ultimately he is the one responsible for your childs health and wellbeing. I hope you are documenting all of these things? Many times smom/biomom issues can be helped by setting firm boundaries but if any sort of abuse is occurring, that's something altogether different. Are you in any sort of counseling? I always recommend that for cases like this. It has helped me tremendously....and my children too. SD has been too but it hasn't helped her as much because shes been coached by biomom to lie. Im sorry your ex married such a psycho. Honestly though, there are tons of GOOD stepmoms who are brutalized by bitter nasty exes. That's who this article is written for. Before i even read this, my husband and i had implemented almost all of them thru 10 years of counseling, court and constant harassment. I wish we had a list like this back in the beginning. We finally have a small amount of peace.

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      2 years ago

      And yes, I feel the advise given by this woman is dangerous when there is an unreasonable stepmother in the picture. It is not in the best interest of the child to have both parents not communicating or to stop any flexibility. If DD's stepmother has her way and my ex stops all the flexibility and communication, that would mean my ex will not need to know anything about DD's life, will not have DD for family and friends birthdays, wedding, social gatherings. This would mean DD would miss out. That is not in the best interest of any child. It is dangerous and horrible when a situation does not call for it.

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      2 years ago

      Thanks GracieLu. It must be aweful dealing with vengeful ex wives. My husband cheated on me for several years and when I found out I left. Of course there was hurt, anger and resentment. I never withheld DD and I have never ever refused any flexibility. Neither has DD;s father. It has always been flexible on both our parts. He still has the key to my house 4 years later. He still is left in my home to look after our child, as I had to work like a dog to pay his debts, mortgage, rent etc with a 2.5 year old and I didn't want DD to be shoved from on place to another. There was no revenge, no humilation no nothing. In fact, everyone around us are in awe of how I managed this. We still have joint birthday parties ( although the stepmother does not want this), and we call each other when things are happening for child. He was a very angry man and no matter what I still put up with it because I needed to work as he was unemployed for years, I paid off the debts. I paid for all my childs expenses etc. I still was welcoming him. He is much better these days and less angry and supports his son financially, so I give him credit for it. Yes, she did pin this on her board. The reason she pinned this is because she confronted me about my childs behaviour. My child was asking her to not smack her children. My childs asked asked her and the father to not yell at DD or the children. She instantly blamed me for it. I had no idea that DD was doing that when DD was asking me things like "mummy why do kids gets get smacked and why do I not smack" These conversations went on for days and I was explaining to DD that everyone loves their children, we just have different consequences. Then DD would ask, what is my consequences, so I would go through it with DD and after days of these discussions, DD said "Mum you teach me and discipline me through love" I posted about my conversation with DD on FB a week before the stepmom and DD father confronted me (in front of DD BTW), so I had no idea that DD was upset about what they were doing to her children and DD. So, when she confronted me about it, I sent her to my FB post to show her that he has been asking me questions and that he is just confused. Then she proceeded to attack DD saying that DD is confusing her children by asking such questions, that DD is a disrespectful, hurtful child,has no respect for authority, that DD is a protected species, that she has issues with DD and that DD is having behavioural issues. This baffled me as DD gets good behaviour awards and is incredibly highly academic and there have not been any signs of behavioural issues at home with me. Thus, clearly, DD is struggling in their care. So, I pleaded with her to understand that DD is just 6 and that DD is confused as DD is not used to that style of discipline. I asked her to help shift DD through the confusion and that I will make sure DD learns more discretion. After many texts back and forward with her saying these things about DD to me and my responses to help her understand, she started swearing. abusing and carrying on.

      I get told that I am interferring in their relationshio because of this. Huh? So, yeah, she does claime I interfere, but not sure how discussing issues is interferring?

      That is just one example. Could I have dealt with the situation better? To be honest, I do not see how.

      My ex was giving me $25 one week and then not the other week when she came along, he started saying things like you only want me to work because you do not want to work. The money stopped completely for 6 months. Coincidence?

      I think, my issue is that I am quite assertive and stand my ground when this all happens. However, so does she and starts throwing vicious personal passive aggressive attacks. I am always trying to reason with her and trying to help her understand. However, nothing works.

      There have been a few incidences that I have always felt can be resolved. However, there is no reasoning with her. I am one to forgive, let go and grow from a situation.

      I do regret a couple of things I have done, however my intention was always to do the right thing and I have always feared for my child as clearly, I am dealing with someone who is not normal.

      A few weeks ago DD said that "xxxx hit me" I regretably did not believe DD. Instead, I rang DD's father to warn him of the lies DD was telling and that we need to keep an eye on it as we do not want to encourgae him to play these games. So, it is not like me to go around causing problems. I do confront things, as it needs to be confronted, however, when they do not I let it go.

      All our arguments have been via text. Everything is in writing and I have shown it to my doctor friends ( I have friends who are doctors and I am training to be one), family and mentors and everyone is baffled by her deep seated hatred towards me.

      So, we have concluded that she is deeply threatened. I do not balme her because my ex is constantly trying to sleep with me. He does cheat on her and she is in denial about it.

      What are your views on this? From a stepmothers perspective, what do you suggest? How can I help this situation? It is so toxic and unhealthy and I am at a loss on what to do with this woman :(

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      GracieLu 2 years ago

      This advice is far from 'dangerous'. It's life saving for many of us to deal with jealous, angry, bitter, vengeful ex-wifes who make it their life's mission to make our lives hell. Some of them even admit it. It's my bet that if the flexibility you talk about went both ways to begin with, your ex and his wife would not be so quick to take it away. Many of us deal with biomoms who expect us to cater to her every whim when SHE asks for flexibility, but never, ever, ever reciprocate that when we ask. Yes, as stepmoms, we have to accommodate the situation, but biomoms also need to accept that their ex has moved on -- many of them have a hard time doing that. Just the fact that you stalking stepmom's social media is suspicious to me -- if she pinned this, there's probably a reason that you're not stating. Regardless, the only person you can control is YOU so I'd start looking for ways that you can modify your behavior to help the situation. For the record, I'm a biomom AND a stepmom, so I do see both sides. But, I focus on my kids and leave my exH alone and have never once interfered in his life with new partner(s). I wonder if you can say the same?

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      2 years ago

      Thanks wickedstepmother, except she posted this on her pininterest. The advise you are giving is dangerous. Asking fmailies to only communicate 4 times a month via emial have no flexibility etc is only inciting hatred in some crazy woman. It is dangerous advise and not in the best interest of the child. As much as my ex drive me nuts at times, he and i always in touch to discuss our child, I involve him in all my sons achievements and troubles. He is the first person I turn to when my boy needs both our guidance. However, your post has now encouraged my sons stepmother to hurt my son. As a stpemother, you need to be aware that you are cmoing into this childs life and it is your job to accomadate the situation. Not make it worse.

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      Wicked Stepmother 2 years ago from My Living Room

      I'm sorry you feel that way N. Its clear you haven't had to deal with the same type of extreme family situation that we have. There are good and bad stepmothers, yes. But there are also good and bad mothers. It isn't fair to say that most mothers are just doing the best they can without acknowledging that most stepmothers are doing the best they can as well. If what you say is true, your ex is the one with the problem and his wife has a reason to feel threatened. Your situation is quite different than mine and therefore my articles don't apply to you. You have no reason to feel threatened by them.

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      2 years ago

      awww wickard stepmother. You sound very nasty. Most mothers Know do the best they can and support the ex and step mothers. But the stepmothers seem to feel so threatened by the mother. Well, in my case, my ex is constantly trying to have sex with me, i am much more successful, intelligent and I guess attractive than my sons stepmother, so she plays vicious games and uses my son to hurt me. I have known great stepmothers and some pretty aweful ones. The aweful ones are so cunning, vicious and covert.

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      Wicked Stepmother 2 years ago from My Living Room

      "So if you have to deal with an irate woman so be it." We're not talking about a woman who is legitimately upset about a REAL issue that relates to the kids. We are talking about women who purposefully create conflict, invent problems, and are extremely abusive towards the ex husband, stepmother, and children. Yes, even the children. Too many mothers are acting 'irate' under the guise of 'vigilant parenting'. This is a lie. These women are doing more damage to their children than they are protecting or caring for them. And, they make it absolutely impossible to co-parent or make things 'normal', no matter how hard you try to just 'deal with' them.

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      2 years ago

      So, how do we deal with step mothers who call your child names, humiliates them, lies about them and then gets them into trouble? What does one do when, even though, you try your hardest to explain why your child is struggling to cope in the stepmothers presence, with no judgement or personal attacks, no humiliation. Just discussion. To then, be abused for it, told that your child is a "protected species" that, your child stepmother "has issues" with your child. It is a tall order to ask of a mother not to worry about her child, when such abuse and humiliation is rife in the child's life. Scary. Indeed. I would like some advise on how to deal with that :)

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      A child 2 years ago

      Being someone that grew up in a similar situation, I have a problem with a few of these. As a parent, you must communicate with the other parent. Who is to say that one time when the "crazy ex" is blowing up your phones that it won't be something related to the child. And as a child it truly sucks to be on a schedule. It makes you feel as though you are an object.

      When marrying someone with a child, you need to realize that it will be a struggle, but the person that's hurt more than anything in the situation is the child. It's the parents job to try to make life as "norma"l as possible for the child, regardless of personal feelings. So if you have to deal with an irate woman so be it. Marrying a man with a kid, you chose the life you live, so live with it.

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      Ringleader 2 years ago

      I love this article. I am almost in tears reading it because of what you said about finding other people in the same situation to talk to. You are right. No one understands and I have now twice been called a drama queen by close friends of mine. I would do anything to get out of the hell that is my life with my husbands psychotic ex wife but the only way out is to leave my husband. I love him more than I hate her so I'm stuck. I have started a blog about my story if anyone wants to read it.

      I would love some feedback. I'm close to snapping and I don't know what to do.

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      Lisa McKnight 2 years ago from London

      This is a great article. I've got a crazy in my life and I'm going to try some of the things you suggested in your four steps that we haven't thought of yet. We've started to deal with it and tackle it now together, but it is hard work. I can really relate to the strings of texts messages and the game-playing. It is such a nonsense. Thanks for writing this. I don't feel so unusual now.

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      Wicked Stepmother 2 years ago from My Living Room

      GracieLu & rickimvz, I would encourage you to read some of my articles. It sounds like your ex situation is in the same caliber as ours. The 'normal' advice and strategies absolutely do not work in cases like ours. Sadly, I think more and more bio moms are falling into this extreme category as society and The System cater to them and their needs while neglecting and even actively discouraging fathers and stepmothers and other stepparents from being involved in the children's lives. I really feel for you. I think you would really be able to relate to this article:

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      rickimvz 2 years ago

      I too am dealing with high conflict ex. With a court ordered signed by by all parties including herself, and the judge on August 20th...we returned the children as court ordered states on August 22nd. My husband has not seen his son the past 63...she has not allowed him to return and has brainwashed him to thinking we are the most evil people on this earth. Yesterday we FINALLY got our hearing for her being in contempt of the court order. She was found in contempt and the Judge really let her have it court (in fact, our attorney never had to speak one word). We finally get the son tonight and he is not happy about having to come. At the courthouse yesterday, his daughter ran to me first before anyone else and gave me a hug...however, after the hearing, the daughter and son (while with their mother) told my husbands mother (their grandmother) how mean and hateful I am towards them and they don't want to be at our house. How do you go from one minute getting a the next minute being the most evil person on earth? It breaks my heart that they say this. I have 2 daughters of my own and can honestly say I love my step kids with the exact same love and treat them as I would if they were my blood children. My husband has been doing the no contact with the ex for a period of almost 2 years...he only communicates with her via text and NEVER a phone conversation (so everything is documented) and only communicates when it comes to issues regarding the children. This has not stopped her delusional texts, actions or the act of trying to brainwash the children into thinking we are monsters. We have even had incidences of her making false allegations with the local authorities. Example: (and this is only 1 example of many) She called and reported that my husband was driving intoxicated with his daughter in the vehicle...upon returning home one evening, her and her husband were parked in our driveway in our parking spot (we had nowhere to park) and then we were surrounded by 4 police cars. The daughter was taken to the police station...Children and Youth Services were called in and questioned the husband was given a breathalyser and passed with flying colors...the daughter was returned to our care...but not until 1:30 am!! After enduring the situation, having to defend ourselves to the local authority...the high conflict ex walks away with nothing happening her for making false allegations!! So I can't really say the no contact is a guarantee that the craziness will end. UGH.

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      GracieLu 2 years ago

      We also deal with an ex-wife who has made it her mission in life to make our lives a living hell. We have slowly, over the past 10 years, done all the things you mention. It has cut back on the drama, but unfortunately, not completely erased it. And like Wicked posts above, we hardly see step-daughter anymore because of it. After all these years of being at war, we are both tired....and SD has been brainwashed since birth to hate us. It's hard to compete with that. I loved your article and find it sad that so many women in these situations feel they have no one to talk to. I belong to an online group and without them, I am certain I would be divorced....and we would not have any of the little bits of peace that we currently do. I encourage anyone to seek out online support groups!!! It really does help.

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      Wicked Stepmother 2 years ago from My Living Room

      Great article! My husband and I have done all these things and more. Unfortunately for us and the kids, The Crazy continues and we no longer get to see the kids at all. Once we stopped negotiating with The Terrorist, she took hostages (the kids). Technically we still have custody, physical and legal. But we have chosen not to go back to court anymore to fight or to engage her in any way. That means the kids are with her 100% of their miserable lives. Many people have harshly judged and criticized us for this decision. But we know that at this point, it is our only option. Instead we are choosing to be patient. We know that someday they will figure it out on their own.