How to Go on After the Loss of Your Mother

Updated on February 14, 2018

Your mother is your first friend and playmate. She’s the one who rocked you as a baby, patched you up as a clumsy kid, and eased your heartaches as a teen. She helped you plan your wedding and coached you on the ins and outs of being a first-time mother. In a sense, your mother is the biggest part of your life. This article is about dealing with the loss of this woman.

Nothing can prepare you for what it’s like to lose your mom. I’ve had many friends throughout the years who have lost their own mothers. I felt sad for them and offered words of comfort. I cooked lasagna and bought cards to help my friends “get through” the grief. I had absolutely no idea though how excruciating it is to no longer have your mother with you.

No matter what I write in this article, if you haven’t lost your mother, you won’t fully understand the depths of grief one goes through. The pain is crippling, and it hits you at random moments. One minute you might be fine, and the next minute you are curled up in a ball on your bedroom floor in inconceivable pain. If you have lost your mother, then you’re probably sitting there nodding your head in agreement.

"The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her."

— Author Unknown

My mother passed away on September 18th, 2011. She had suffered with lung cancer for the year and a half prior to her death. Her suffering was long and difficult for everyone. We all knew Mom was going to die. In fact, there came a point when we were praying for God to take her and end her suffering.

I thought I was prepared for Mom’s passing. I’m an educated, intellectual woman. I read all the books on death, dying, and grief. I knew it would be hard, but I figured I was ready to face it head-on. After all, losing a parent is a fact of life that millions of people before me have faced. Mom was very brave and was ready to die. I was going to be brave too. I thought I would grieve for a while, and then I would be able to move on with life. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

The following is based on my experience. Your experience might be completely different, but I’ll bet most of you can find some similarities between my experience and yours.

Coping With Grief

• Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel

• Don't Put a Time Limit on Your Grief

• Remember Your Mom

• Allow Yourself to Have Bad Days

• Find Your Peace

• Smile and Live Your Life

You are likely to receive a lot of support from friends and co-workers in the days immediately following your mother's death.
You are likely to receive a lot of support from friends and co-workers in the days immediately following your mother's death.

The first few days after your mother dies are going to feel like a blur. You will function only in that you will make funeral arrangements, contact relatives, console family members, and go forward taking care of necessary tasks. Numbness is the perfect word for this time. The funeral will come and go, and so will the relatives and well-wishers.

After the burial, it’s time for life to go back to normal, right? Wrong! Life will never be normal again. It will be different, but it will never be as it was. How could it be?

For the first few weeks, your friends and coworkers will be wonderful. They’ll offer you lots of smiles and hugs. They’ll offer to take you to dinner and they’ll listen as you talk about how bad the pain is. You’ll hear a lot of “I’m here for you”, and “If there’s anything I can do” comments during this time.

After a couple months, it will seem like people have forgotten that you lost this important part of your life. They’ll stop asking how you are, and they might even look worried when you want to talk about your mom. You see, people who haven’t gone through this pain think there’s a period of grieving and that's it. After a certain time, you should be ready to move on with your life and "get over it."

But you will never get over it. The pain will lessen, and the moments of intense grief will be farther apart, but how can you ever get over losing your mother?

Allow yourself to feel just the way you feel.
Allow yourself to feel just the way you feel.

Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel

Well-intentioned people will try to speed up the grieving process for you. They’ll try to keep you busy, and some of them won’t mention your mother’s name for fear of hurting you. But you must allow yourself to grieve. If you try to stay busy and put it out of your mind, it will catch up to you. You’re going to feel it at some point. It’s best to let it happen when it happens.

After Mom died, I tried to push away the grief. Any time I felt like falling apart, I would take deep breaths and get busy with something else. This worked for a little while, but not for long. The pain was not going away, and I needed to feel it. One night—two months after Mom’s death—I was sitting at the dinner table with my husband and children. The kids were talking about their day, and I was trying to actively listen. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I knew what it was, but was trying to ignore it. You see, grief is a very physical thing. You literally feel physical pain. I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and I got up and ran to my bedroom. My husband gave me some time alone. When he finally came in to check on me, I was curled up on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. After that night, I learned to allow myself to feel the pain. I didn’t ignore it anymore.

Your feelings will move up and down in an unpredictable way.
Your feelings will move up and down in an unpredictable way.

Don't Put a Time Limit on Your Grief

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there's no set time limit on the process.The old saying "Time heals all wounds" is not entirely accurate, but not entirely inaccurate either. I don't know if the wound of losing a mother is ever healed. The pain does get more bearable over time. But how long it should take? No one can say.

Five months after my mother passed away, the parent of one of my students died. I knew this man well, and I wanted to help my student. I planned to go to the funeral, but then the day before, I realized I couldn't do it. I hadn't been in a funeral home since Mom's wake, and I nearly hyperventilated just thinking about it. I told a friend I wasn't going, and she became aggravated. Her words were, "Your mom died in September. Don't you think it's time you moved on?" I probably don't have to point out to you that this woman's mother is still very much alive. I'll be honest, I felt like something must be wrong with me. Why wasn't I able to move on? Now, I realize that I was still grieving. I wasn't following any timetable, and it was okay.

Let yourself remember both the good and the bad things about your mom.
Let yourself remember both the good and the bad things about your mom.

Remember Your Mom

That heading sounds silly. Of course, you're going to remember your mom. She was your mom! What I mean here is that you should remember your mom for who she was—the good and the bad.

I spent months remembering my mom as this perfect human being who was, by far, the greatest mother who ever walked the earth. Mom was a wonderful person, but let's face it, she's was human. After a few months, I started having memories of the real mother I grew up with. She wasn't perfect, and we didn't always get along. Mom had a knack for being negative toward me, and I wasn't always patient with her. Putting Mom up on a pedestal wasn't fair to her, and she would've hated it.

Yes, remembering the bad times isn't always easy. Regret may rear its ugly head, but there's nothing you can do about it now. You can't push it away, because like the grief, it will find you. As they say, it is what it is. My mom knew I loved her dearly, and I knew the same about her. We didn't have the perfect relationship, but in the end, I was there by her side. I watched as she took her last breath, just as she watched me take my first. She was my mother. The good, the bad, and the ugly ... she was my mother, and I loved her.

Even long after your mother's death you will have days when you miss her dearly.
Even long after your mother's death you will have days when you miss her dearly.

Allow Yourself to Have Bad Days

It's now been a year and a half since Mom passed away. I miss her dearly, especially when I go visit my Dad. I hold up pretty well, though. I can laugh and smile as I tell my kids something Mom used to say when I was a child. I can crank up her favorite songs and sing as loudly as she would. I would say, I'm doing pretty well.

Some days are tougher than others. One reason I wrote this article is that yesterday was a particularly rough day for me. I woke up craving my mother's voice. I wanted to call her and hear her laugh. I wanted her to make me laugh. Mom had the best sense of humor of anyone I've ever known, and I needed that yesterday. I cried several times yesterday, and it was okay. I let myself feel the grief again. Those days will come, no matter how long it's been. Let it come.

Do the things you enjoy.
Do the things you enjoy.

Find Your Peace

People find comfort in different things. For some people, taking a walk helps. For others, a long, hot bath does the trick. The important thing is not WHAT you do, but that you do something for you.

There may be songs, smells, or images that bring comfort to you as well. For me, it's the sight of a hummingbird. This was Mom's favorite animal, and she had several items around her house with the tiny creature on them. During one of the darkest moments of my life—Mom's funeral—a hummingbird flew to the window of the church and lingered there for a minute. I have caught glimpses of hummingbirds a few times since then, and it they have brought me great peace. Silly? Maybe, but you find whatever works for you. Don't let anyone diminish those moments. I truly believe they are meant to help us.

Let yourself smile when you feel ready to.
Let yourself smile when you feel ready to.

Smile and Live Your Life

At some point after your mother's death, you will find reasons to smile again. I think this is one of the greatest things we can do to honor our moms and the love we have for them. Find joy again. Laugh heartily. Love deeply. Live like your mother would want you to.

On those days when you just miss your mom, don't fight it. Allow yourself to miss her. A wise friend of mine said, "Your mother deserves to be remembered. She deserves to be missed."

Questions & Answers

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      • profile image

        elizabeth hatter 

        20 hours ago

        the pain since i even found out my mum had cancer broke me an when she passed 6 months later she took apart of me with her

      • profile image

        Vimbai 

        29 hours ago

        Many thanks for the article.

        I lost my mum on Tuesday 26 may 2020. I still remember the gross pain I felt when I was told over the telephone. She was in a different country and unfortunately due to covid-19, I was not able to go and attend the funeral in person. I spent the whole of last week making funeral arrangements virtually which kept me numb. The weekend after and this week have been the worst. I cannot sleep, I struggle to meet my son's needs and I just want her back. Indeed, this is the first real loss without my mother strengthening me.

        My mother died of stage IV cancer.

        Let us please celebrate these amazing women who once graced our lives. We were blessed and did not realise it.

      • profile image

        Lulu 

        36 hours ago

        "Everything must come to an end" I muttered to myself one hour ago..

        Today is the 20th since my Mom's death..

        My mom died on 2nd. May. 2020

        due stage 4 overian cancer. She was diagnosed back on April 2018 with stage 3 overian cancer. She made a great development through her cemo therapy. And she got through a hard major surgery.

        For the last 2 months her health got worse since she had a testimonial obstruction..

        She wasn't able to eat or drink water..

        Still I feel devastated.. Sad.. How people and friends left me after few days of her death..

        That vain may never go away..

        I miss you Mom..

      • profile image

        Jo's Thom 

        2 days ago

        My Dear Mom JoAnn passed 21 months ago today. I miss her so much every day. My mom was such a wonderful person. She truly made life worth living. I know that no matter how much time goes by, I will always miss her terribly forever.

      • profile image

        Shefali 

        4 days ago

        Thank you Paula for your beautiful message about your relationship with your mom.

        My mom passed away in April 14 2020 and we had her service in April 17 2020. As you can imagine with only a few people and a service her own sister could not attend because of covid.

        She and I did everything together we went to musicals, shows, lunches all her appointments . I had been with her through everything. What breaks my heart is the last time I saw her before she went to the hospital. I didn’t think it would the last time I would see her sitting up or looking at me with her kind eyes. It haunts me that at the very worst moment of her life I couldn’t be with her in the hospital to comfort her or hold her hand and tell her everything was going to be ok. When I did see her for the last time she was wasn’t awake but she we knew we were there. I have blamed myself since she passed away that I could’ve done more for her. I kept praying that if she would just come home I would take of her but sadly it was not to be. Sometimes I’m fine I feel like she’s just gone away but she will come back and then the reality hits me like a truck and this intense sadness overcomes me. Other times I’m numb and almost feel guilty that I don’t feel anything but mostly I just cry when I see a photo or have a memory or even just sit in her bedroom. It’s hard to go on without your your mother the person who loved you who nurtured you and championed you as you got older, but I know she would want me to. I hope that she can still do all those things for me from where she is, right now that’s the only comfort I have.

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        Tanya2 

        4 days ago

        I am so glad I found this site. My mother passed on April 29, 2020 from stage IV lung cancer that was only diagnosed mid-December 2019. I am devastated from this loss. I feel a lot of guilt because I chose not to be there, though I had excellent cares in place until she was moved to Hospice in-hospital two days before passing. I watched my dad take his last breath in front of me not even a year before this. I've had numerous losses in the past 1.5 years, but this is by far the worst emotionally. Due to the virus, I was told by the hospital I probably should not come, as only one person, for one hour, for one time could go in, and only at "imminent death." Who can predict that? I was so sad she was alone, though non-responsive when she passed. I am in another state, so trying to deal with funeral home, etc., who still won't allow services or the church, is terrible. I can't get closure. I'm flying back Tuesday to clear out her place, and I dread it beyond description. She passed a month ago tonight. I am so glad there are other people here that understand. It is not easy hearing people telling you about the "wonderful" day they had with their mother, etc. I relate to every physical and emotional thing I'm reading from others' posts. I needed to know my crying and fragility over anything is not abnormal. I actually texted her today on her old phone number...I know it is crazy, but I feel desperate to cling to anything....thank you all for posting.

      • profile image

        Aviwe 

        4 days ago

        My dearest mother left me on the 8th of March. I came back from work and I walked into my younger brother crying not knowing what to do. My mom was lying on the couch struggling to breath. But I noticed on that day was that immediately she saw me she just smiled and as I came closer to her we held hands and she refused to let go of me. When an ambulance took her I didn't know that I will never see her alive again. I'm so brocken, during the day I can't function and at night I can't sleep. Everytime I sleep I dream of her and I would be crying in my sleep till I wake up with my eyes full of tears. There's no life without her. She was my everything: my best friend, my equal, my cheerleader, she always put a smile on my face. She was so special to me, she loved me so much and I loved her so much. Mom how I wish you could come back to me. The thaught of having my first child without you in my life drives me nuts. You were only 56 I don't understand the rush to the grave. I love you mom, you were the best you are beautiful always.

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        Jason 

        9 days ago

        Hi Nicole Murrah,sorry to hear about your mom. I know the feeling.

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        Kevin Jones 

        10 days ago

        Thank you. Today has been one of those hard days:)

      • profile image

        Paula Fonder 

        10 days ago

        I just lost my mother on April 25, 2020 and I buried her on May 16, 2020. On that note Mother's Day is pretty rough. Everyone ask me, Oh, did your mother have Corona and I tell them no. It is the other way around Corona had my mother. I took my mother everywhere I went, we were called Lucy and Ethel no matter what I was doing she would gather up her things and go. I feel my husband does not understand this hurt I'm feeling when I'm crying he leaves. I stay away from him because I am always crying I can not help it. I blame myself because she has passed on. What could I have done to prevent her from dying. Everywhere she needed to go I took her, she stop cooking so I would cook and bring it to her. The day I put her the ambulance keeps playing over and over in my mind like a movie. Not knowing that would be the last time I saw her (March 28th). She tried to prepare 3 days before her departure but I would not listen I just closed my eyes and prayed. The morning of her death I was feeling sick all day like we were twins while she is transitioning I was feeling ill. That is how close we were. Yes we had our good and bad days but the good out weighed the bad. I prayed to God to just give me my mother back in what ever condition she was in I would take care of her. I guess I was not specific enough he gave her back her the condition was more than I can bare. My daughter tries to keep me laughing but I go back into my mourning state. The way I feel right now is I am out in the middle of the ocean now mind you I am not a great swimmer but I can make it. In a plastic bag with a cable tie on the top but I am not drowning or suffocating. I can not get out and this numb feelings I want to unleash a world of hurt on somebody. "I am a woman without the phenomenal woman"

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        OzBloke 

        10 days ago

        Reading all your comments here, it is indeed a painful experience to lose your moms especially in the middle of a crisis.

        I lost Mom at a tender age of 14. Sixteen years later, the pain is still here. Like the author, she lost the battle with stage 3 lung cancer and within a year, she was gone. I still miss her dearly and the grief has finally caught up to me in my adulthood. Please take all the time you to get through the grief as repressing the memories will only make things worse.

        Stay strong people. The pain will never go away but it can always be managed. Cherish the good times and celebrate her the life she's lived.

      • profile image

        River Nomad 

        10 days ago

        Loving Came So Naturally To Her

        Looking at pictures of Mom

        Each one a link to memories

        I am transported to times and places

        Of sights, sounds, and fragrances

        Feeling the warmth of love and sunshine

        As my tears silently fall, I am grateful

        And profoundly affected in so many ways

        Tomorrow, May 24th, will mark one year since Mom took her last breath on earth. She was at home, surrounded by flickering candles, with classical music softly playing in the background. I was holding her hand.

        My sincere appreciation to Vicki for her essay, and to all the sons and daughters who have lost their Moms and contributed your innermost feelings about what for many of us, will forever be the most devastating experience of our lives.

        All of you have my heartfelt and knowing sympathy.

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        Valorie with an O 

        12 days ago

        I just lost my mother on May 20, 2020. It was also my birthday. She had cancer for 20 years and wished to pass at home. We took care of her to the very last minute. My siblings say they feel "relief" and calm because she is finally out of her severe misery, but I do not. I feel severe anxiety and loss. I know what they are talking about because I did feel that with my father. I was with him when he passed and I felt immediate relief, but not with mom. Will I ever feel it?

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        Geegee5117 

        13 days ago

        My mom trasitioned 6yrs ago the pain sonetimes feels like yesterday. My was in a coma for 2wks prior to that she didn't know us , i prayed for God to end her suffering he did 3 days later. I wasn"t ready for it. Somtimes the pain hurts so it takes my breath away!! My mom taught how to love & trust our God to dry eyes, heal hearts that r broken. Now I Celebrate her life on Mother"s day instead of Mourning her death. Remember she Is Not Dead she is just sleeping. When God comes back & he is on his way Soon! All christians that r asleep will live again in Gods kindom. Don't know about ya'll I Will be ready

      • profile image

        cyndi 

        13 days ago

        I losss my Mom

        April 20th.

        I did not know when she left in the ambulance, she would never return.

        She had Pneumonia. ? After treatment at the hospital she went to Rehab, because she was weakand need therapy to regain ADL'S

        We were not able to visit. because of Covid Restrictions

        Mom was never left alone, i was her caregiver .The 2 weeks she was at the Rehab we Video chat and talk on the phone.

        She expressed she just wanted to come home to be with her family.

        My mom April 20th , f

        died in her sleep

        I feel.loss. im angry. She died in the Rehab, alone without her Family.

        She was the best Mother ever.

        I'm still in Denial, just cannot accept she in eternal life .

        I feell my life is over.

        My family is wonderful i just cannot move forward. My was 87 and lived a wonderful life.

        I just miss her so much.

        Pray for me and everyone who lost the best gift in the world

        Your Mother

      • profile image

        Nicole murrah 

        13 days ago

        My mom died may 7th.i got to the hospital and she raised her head up and gave me the biggest smile and that was it, she laid her head back down and I held her hand as she took her last breath. I was actually praying to god to take her.now I am completely lost. I feel like I'm not her baby girl as she called me. I am crushed.

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        sarahandTillyDog 

        13 days ago

        My mum died 7th May 2020 & I miss her so much. I keep waking up around 5am every morning with a tight feeling in my throat, chest & stomach. Its hard to bear.

        To struggling daughter (Lynn) - sorry to hear about your mum.

        My mum was put in a covid ward despite testing negative. she was 74 & we were told by the emergency department that she had heart failure.

        My dad saw her for 15 minutes when the hospital called to tell us she was going on palliative care. That's when we found out she was in the covid ward. Up until that point we thought she was being treated for her heart failure.

        This was 2 weeks ago and we're confused as to what really happened?

      • profile image

        Valerie 

        2 weeks ago

        Cveta ..

        I can relate to everything you wrote and yes not only was it hard seeing your mum and best friend become weaker and more ill the vulnerability with my mum hoping it was the nice nurse that was in that night not wanting to burden anyone but suffering with pain and the fear of am I ever going go home or get better Or even do the things she enjoyed the most ..Will she do then again

        I miss her very much and everyday I think about her and wish she was still here .

        It’s good to talk to someone that understands and that’s why I regularly check in here just to get comfort from knowing that I am not alone x

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        Cveta 

        2 weeks ago

        Oh Valerie, my Mum passed 24th January at 9pm...

        I know what you mean about her last days haunting you, I often think about it. Her last 3 weeks she spent in hospital and I was there every day. As well as feeling distraught at seeing her deteriorating, it was a constant battle about her care that made the whole experience just horrible beyond words.

        My Mum was always smiley, positive and such a strong person. Oh she was so strong, so much stronger than me. And she put up with pain so much, but I could see how much she suffered. I get these replays in my head of her being on the brink of tears and gasping sounds she used to make when it got really bad and it hurt me then and still hurts that I could not do anything about it but ask for her to have more painkillers. In the end I do wonder sometimes if the painkillers caused her to go sooner than she should have, but it was horrible and she had to have them.

        But I try to keep more of the happy memories of her in my head, she deserves to be remembered for the beautiful soul she was.

        I hope you are coping somehow, our angels are looking over us x

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        Valerie 

        2 weeks ago

        Thank you Cveta for your kind words they mean a lot because you know exactly how I feel right now .. My lovely mum must of passed away around the same time 25th Jan as you mum .. My mums last few months haunt me I try and not relive everything or think Maybe I could have done more or challenged the medics . The outcome was always going to be the same and that’s what the hardest thing Is accepting that you have no control ..

        My mum was a bright happy optimistic lady and your right she wouldn’t want me to be sad and unhappy .

        It feels so strange without her..

        Thank you for your reply It’s much appreciated x

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        Cveta 

        2 weeks ago

        Valerie, Nate Wicks,

        Very sorry to hear about your loss, all of us here know the pain too well and it is unbearable.

        It is 16 weeks now since my Mum died and I still wake up realising every morning that it is another day without her and I struggle.

        You can only try to make life more bearable by keeping busy and remember the nice things about her, look at photos or videos, and keep thinking that she is in a good place now where there is no more pain and suffering. But the pain stays in you, you just have to get used to living with it. Remember that your Mum wanted you to have good and happy life and she is now looking over you. I talk to her and write to her, it feels slightly better when I do that but eventually hurts as there is never any answer. You have to continue your life as she would want you to, but the pain is hard and impossible to not feel it when you miss her so much.

        I hope you find some peace, keep thinking how much you loved each other and be grateful for the time you had her in your life x

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        Nate Wicks 

        2 weeks ago

        I just lost my mom this past Thursday, April 14th, 2020. We were with her to the end and I'll tell you, the pain is nothing like I ever experienced before. I'm an educator, fairly intelligent and rational, but dealing with her death is excruciating and I've never been this emotional in my life. I know it's recent, but I am totally struggling in this moment. Any suggestions?

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        Valerie 

        2 weeks ago

        The tears fall , the heartbreaks the dreams she is there and when u wake up the stomach churning reality of another day without mum .. all you have is the memory of holding her hand, her eyes looking into yours with that soothing smile that always made everything ok again her laugh her kind words when things just got too much..

        it’s definitely hard to go on after the loss of mum ..

        I just know that I am

        Proud to be her daughter and everyday that she is not here she is in my thoughts always ..

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        Suhas 

        3 weeks ago

        Hi Cindy,

        I echo ur pain. Honestly, I was just thinking to myself the same thing, crying thinking that this pain is too deep heal & i checked out this page for my answers. I miss my mom like hell, she was part of my everyday routine in every little thing, i feel a part of me has been ripped apart. I try but honestly even i don't know how i am going to live with this loss.

      • profile image

        Jo's Thom 

        3 weeks ago

        My second very lonely Mother's Day without my sweet Mom JoAnn.

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        River Nomad 

        3 weeks ago

        May 10, 2020

        My first Mother’s Day without Mom

        A Sunny, warm afternoon at the Pioneer Cemetery

        On the way here, I passed a nursery with two large greenhouses filled with hanging baskets loaded with flowers. If Mom and I had been traveling together we would have stopped and bought at least two of the colorful baskets to hang in front of the patio at home.

        The first thing I like to do when I arrive at the cemetery is tend Mom’s grave and talk to her about memories of shared times and how much I miss her. On May 24th it will have been a year since cancer stole Mom away from me.

        Later, the calls of mourning doves, robins, and blue jays drift on the breeze as I write in my journal. A fresh bouquet of sunflowers were placed in a vase, filled with fresh water, and recessed into the ground after I finished tending Mom’s grave.

        Dear Mom,

        The past year has been the most difficult period in my life. I just can’t adjust to not having you physically present. You have always been essential in my life. Your love, encouragement, support, guidance, generosity, and teaching by example are the reasons I am so lucky and grateful to be your son.

        You will always live in my heart.

        The sun has gone down, cooling the air in the early twilight. The scent of nearby lilacs in bloom gently fills the air. A single deer, a young doe, browses less than thirty feet from me. A solo robin sings out the half dozen or so notes reserved for just this time of day.

        Standing next to her grave, I read out loud from my journal, and tell Mom that I love her very much, before heading home.

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        Cindy 

        3 weeks ago

        I lost my mom 3 weeks ago unexpectedly. The article is so true about how friends and people around you react and fade away.

        It's always been the three of us, my Dad, my Mom and me. My dad passed 3 years ago and now my mom left too. I am staying all alone in this house.. Too much memories, good & bad. I feel I dlfell short as a daughter and I hv lots of regret. I have not stopped crying for 3 weeks. I miss my mom so much and never told her I love her. She died in her sleep, the v Sunday after Easter. I wish this is all a dream. Reading this article and some of the readers stories shows I am not alone in my emotional state. How can I get through this alone.. I see her everywhere, I miss her smile, her scent, her presence, her voice. This pain is too deep to heal.

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        Nitnat 

        3 weeks ago

        My Mom died yesterday from brain cancer...she was totally healthy and vibrant until last June. Now, I just want to stay in bed all day, but know my kids need me. I just can’t get over how much I miss her, just like many of you. The pain is overwhelming.

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        Harp13 

        3 weeks ago

        Thank you for the article. after reading some of the comment I feel like I'm not alone who lost mom at a young age. I lost my mom in Dec 2017 and it was unexpected. it still hurts. I am so sorry to all of you that have lost mom.

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        John 

        3 weeks ago

        I lost my mom on April 19 at the age of 55. I lost one of the most important women in my life. I prayed to God if it is possible I am willing to sacrifice my life of ten year to her. I miss her from the deep of heart.

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        Ozarks 

        3 weeks ago

        Lost my best friend .. my mum

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        sabrina 

        3 weeks ago

        I lost my mom almost 3 months ago on february 18th, 2020. and it still hurts. it happened 2 days after my 25th and it was so unexpected. It happened in her sleep but I knew that's what she would want. The doctors say thats the best way to go. My mom had heart failure and sleep apnea. 25+ years ago the doctors only gave her 5 years to live... she outlived their expectations. I'm so lucky to have her til I was 25 but I feel like its still so soon and that's selfish of me. After she passed, the world went downhill, with all the virus stuff. I'm happy my family was able to make it to her funeral and she had prayer warriors all over the world but I just miss her so much. Everyday it hits me in waves that I will never see her or hear her voice again. I miss our conversations and our dates. I can't pass jo ann's without crying because that was one of her favorite places. I started a new job she would be so proud of me but i just wish i could tell her about it. if anyone needs to talk i'm always available.

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        Cazza1711 

        3 weeks ago

        Hi

        I lost my mum on Thursday 2 April at 5.05pm. She was taken away in the ambulance 2 days before and i never saw her again and i am completely heart broken. She was 82 years old. I wasnt allowed to go in the ambulance with her even though she had dementia and was begging me from the back of the ambulance to go with her as she was so scared. I wasnt allowed to go and see her or be with her at the end as she had suspected covid-19. I never did find out if she actually had it but it was that on the death certificate. She had a chest infection, which she regularly had, which turned to pneumonia. I had cared for mum for 15 years though the last 4 years was a lot more intense due to mums dementia and the fact she could no longer walk. I was always with her, we went everywhere together, there isnt a shop, coffee shop or park in Birmingham we didn't go together. I wasnt able to have children and after my marriage broke down i dedicated my life to take care of Mum and wouldnt change a second of it. My grief is beyond anything i can put into words. I also feel terrible guilt one for allowing Mum to get pneumonia in the first place (did i look after her well enough? Was it something i did or didnt do that made her get it) and two for letting them take her away in the ambulance without me and be on her own at the hospital scared and vunerable. The pain i feel is unbearable, it truly feels like my heart has been pulled out and jumped on. I cant sleep, i cant eat, i have times i feel like i just cant carry on without mum, like i just want to be with her. Im constantly looking for signs from her that she is ok but there is nothing. Because of these times we are in i am just here in the house, mostly on my own, and can find no sollace in anything. Just surrounded by memories which i pray will someday give me comfort but at the moment on brings me pain. I cry a lot. I burried mum on 29 April with only 6 people able to attend. There was no wake i just had to come back home after and sit and cry alone. I pray that she is in heaven now and that she forgives me for leaving her on her own in the ambulance and not being with her when she took her last breath. I am sad beyond words. My mum was the most beautiful, kind generous lady, with the most beautiful smile and huge heart. Part of me has gone now too, i i just pray one day this hurt will not be so raw and the terrible guilt i carry and anger with the system put in place during these terrible times will go so i can move on with my life as i know mum would have wanted. Reading these posts have helped so much. I am so sorry to all of you that have lost your mums, i wish i didn't but unfortunately do know exactly how you are feeling. Thank you xx

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        Jason 

        3 weeks ago

        To Nicole,I am sorry you lost your mother.

      • profile image

        Jason 

        3 weeks ago

        Thank you GiGi

      • Nicole Tudor profile image

        Nicole Tudor 

        3 weeks ago from Royersford Pennsylvania

        Gigirosie

        Thank you “we are made of star stuff made me smile”

        I’m burying my mom tomorrow. I was told only 9 people allowed at the cemetery and we must wear a mask. It’s outside. I think it’s ridiculous. There were a few other rules such as no hugging which...ok I guess.. but a mask outside? My mom had been in a nursing home and then she stopped eating because she was in the end stage of her dementia. While in the nursing home she tested positive for the coronavirus. She was given oxygen for a few days then it seemed as though she beat the virus. She was then put in the hospital where she died of starvation. On her death certificate is the coronavirus. I’m not happy about it. She was never put on hospice because they said they couldn’t get an outside service (I may be saying that wrong). So she was never given any morphine and she died alone. I guess I’m venting. This anger feels better than being sad though.

      • Gigirosie profile image

        Gigirosie 

        3 weeks ago from Hudson Valley NY

        To Jason,

        I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. Please remember that you are not alone in your pain. There are so many of us who have lost our mothers and, I'm sure, who wish we could help you carry this pain, because we know how bad it can be. Here's hoping you can keep smiles and happiness with you, for having had someone who showed you so much love.

        To Nicole Tudor,

        Thank you for your kind response. My mother and I were alike in that we both believe/believed in "from dust to dust, ashes to ashes. . ." Or, as the famous astronomer Carl Sagan put it, "We are made of star stuff". What could be more wonderful a thought as that, to become part of the earth and to, perhaps, nourish some new life? My mother loved to see the constellation Orion. I have always loved to look at the stars. And, now, when I look at the stars, I can smile knowing that my mother has rejoined that ever-amazing and astounding energy of the universe, the very same stuff of stars.

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        P.B 

        3 weeks ago

        Sending love and hope to everyone that is grieving a loved one right now ..

        In respond to Nicole .. the answer is yes and it brings

        Me some kind of comfort . My mum a few days before she passed I was telling her I found a white feather placed in the collar of my coat ..I said it was like a broach .. she said it’s came from above someone is looking after you .. mum believed in white feathers and they were a sign .. the night she passed away I had to come home and get myself together and prepare myself to tell my dad who was ill in hospital that his special person his life long partner for 50 years had sadly lost her battle .

        I said how can I do this .. I caught a glimpse of something in the corner or my eye and there was a perfect beautiful white feather that floated down beside me ..

        I took it as a sign that she was with me .. that brought me comfort at that time ..

        She is never far from my thoughts so in that way she is with me .,

        Whatever brings us comfort it’s a personal thing x

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        Jason 

        3 weeks ago

        Hi guys,I lost my mom to pneumonia and lung cancer on Easter sunday. God bless you all:)

      • Nicole Tudor profile image

        Nicole Tudor 

        4 weeks ago from Royersford Pennsylvania

        Gigirosie,

        Thank you for taking time out to respond to me. I’ve never been one that liked all of the attention on me but as I have people saying kind things like I’m sorry for your loss and checking on me, it feels good. It feels like a tiny chunk of pain is taken. A very tiny piece but every bit helps.

        I went to Catholic school from first through sixth grade but after high school I started to believe that God and a afterlife was in a sense created for when death is near and for the grieving family left behind. I thought reality was, as tough as it sounds, we die and that’s it. The day my mom died I sat on my front porch with two of my daughters. They had stopped talking for a few minutes and we were just sitting there in silence. We’re about 45 minutes outside of Philadelphia and the weather this past Sunday when she died was gorgeous. Probably the nicest day of the year. We sat there in silence for a little bit and I was thinking in my head, “what am I supposed to do, this pain hurts so bad. Should I start believing in God again” ( I thought that as almost a joke to myself just because of my beliefs) I was looking around and said in my head “ok Mom just let me know you got to heaven ok and that you’re with me. I need to know you’re with me Mom” No sooner did I ask that question in my head my oldest daughter who’s 15 says “at least you know you’re Mom is always with you.” I said “wow! That’s it. She’s here with me.” Since Sunday, so it’s been 3 days so far that she’s died, many more of these, I’ve been calling them signs, have happened. I like to look at things from both sides so I like to argue each way so my counter thought to this is it’s all just my brain in my current emotional state just looking for anything that she’s with me. As of now I feel that she’s really with me. Has anyone else had signs or anything that their Mom gave them after her passing?

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        Suhas 

        4 weeks ago

        Hi Aia,

        I compeletely understand and echo ur emotions. My mom was suffering from oral cancer since 2019 feb, it got cured but relapsed this jan and got metastasized in lungs and other places. I lost her on 5th feb 2020. I have also been trying to take each day as it comes, there is not a moment when i don't miss her. Irrespective of what i am doing, her face is always on the background in my mind. Some days are very hard but we should try to live the lives our mom's gave us, the kind of life they would want us to live. They worked really hard day and night on us so that we could get a good life, i think about it and try to get my life back on track, trust me i try really hard but i am unable to put the broken pieces of my soul together.

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        Aia 

        4 weeks ago

        I lost my Mom last Apr 22nd after getting complications in the lungs from her metastasized cancer. We learned about her stage 4 breast cancer last January after New year. I live overseas and I told my Mom that I just need to do some legal work overseas and I will come back early March so I can take her to her treatments and be with her. As promised, I came back and the moment I opened our gate after the airport cab dropped me home, my Dad said 'pls freshen up your Mom is having breathing difficulties we have to go to the hospital'. That was the start of our living nightmare. In the middle of COVID lockdown we were in and out of the hospital because her lungs were failing her. There were days that 2 nights in a row she couldn't sleep coz she couldn't breathe, forget about being able to eat or drink as well coz just to change her position in the bed she is struggling to breathe too even with oxygen. She got hospitalized Easter Monday supposedly for mastectomy but when we were fixing up her breathing issues, she developed pneumonia. She never recovered and ultimately died of it and sepsis. We left the hospital with her in a body bag because the funeral guys required her to be in one. We couldnt hold a wake coz of the lockdown, no one will be able to come so our family decided to cremate her. Come her cremation day last Apr 24th, there were no flowers available in the market because it is a non-essential item and we had to make do with whatever backyard flowers we got. She went peacefully surrounded by family and that was what fuelled me to not breakdown and cry so much from the moment she died until these past few days. I am getting nightmares daily, I wake up in the middle of the night panicking and thinking that I need to check on her like how it was when we were in the hospital only to realize that I need to sleep again. I pray for the eternal repose of her soul everytime I think about her so I can avoid crying but today has been rough and I am just crying whole day as if everything I do reminds me of memories with her. i dont think ill be normal again and probably this will be my new normal going forward, it hurts like crazy knowing she will never be around anymore and I wish there is just a plug I can pull out and all this sad and devastating emotions go away. I don't know how I will go on with life without her and I am just taking it day by day hoping that one day, maybe it will be better.

      • Gigirosie profile image

        Gigirosie 

        4 weeks ago from Hudson Valley NY

        Nicole, am sorry about the loss of your mother, and that you were not able to be with her at the end. That's rough. And, yes, it hurts more than one can describe. Sixty IS young. I am 61, but had my mom till she was 90. Know that someone is thinking of you. It'll be rough for a while for you, most likely, including physically because it really feels like your heart is breaking. At least, it did for me. I don't use social media, but it appears we can share through this site. Let yourself grieve, long and hard, if that's the way it goes. I think certain songs and music that my mother loved are always going to make me cry.

      • Nicole Tudor profile image

        Nicole Tudor 

        4 weeks ago from Royersford Pennsylvania

        Thank you for posting this article I lost my mom today. The pain hurts so bad. She was only 60. She died of dementia. She stopped eating. Two day’s ago the hospital said my sister and I could be with her when she took her last breath but we never got the call. She tested positive for the coronavirus but beat it. I didn’t realize the loss of a parent hurt this bad. It hurts so bad. If anyone sets up an app for grieving a parent like it was mentioned earlier in the comments, please let me know I would love to talk with others who are going through similar pain.

      • Gigirosie profile image

        Gigirosie 

        4 weeks ago from Hudson Valley NY

        To the author- this is a great article. I lost my mom 14 months ago. She had just turned 90, and had metastatic breast cancer. She was a trooper. She died here at home, where she lived with my youngest brother (56 years old) and myself (61 years old). We had Hospice come in towards the end, and I can't say enough good things about this group of people. They were SO helpful, and so compassionate.

        To the 12 year old who wrote about losing his/her mother when they were 4, PLEASE find someone to talk to. It's important. It's okay to share your feelings in person with someone. Even if that person doesn't quite feel what you're still going through. Someone you are comfortable with, someone you trust. I don't know who that could be for you, but I know how bad it is to keep strong feelings inside forever. What about a counselor at school? Even if you don't want to share with that particular person, they might be able to recommend somebody else.

        I have to admit, I tried talking to a counselor where I was working when my mother died, but I didn't go back to that counselor again. I didn't find it very helpful to talk to her. I found it more helpful to talk to other people who had lost someone they loved. I especially found it helpful to talk to a friend, at work, who lost someone they loved dearly around the same time that my mom died. The feelings she shared with me were so similar to my own.

        I just believe you should really talk out loud, in person, to someone who is willing to listen, and someone you feel safe with.

        To all the others who have lost their mother and who don't know what to do, you are not alone. Like the author of this article says, let yourself grieve, at your own pace, whenever or however you need to do it. It's been 14 months since my mom, and favorite person in the whole world, has been gone. I know my life is not the same without her, and honestly, sometimes I feel like I just don't want to continue my life without her. But, I know she would be horrified at that thought, and that she would want me to continue on, and be happy. There are others that count on me, too, and I need to remember that.

        Right now, I want you all to know I truly believe that no one or no thing can replace my mother, or fill the empty space I feel in my heart since she's gone. But, we can honor our mothers by trying to comfort each other, as they have comforted us in the past, and remember that while nothing can take the place of our mothers, we can carry our mothers' spirits with us and carry on.

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        Lisa 

        4 weeks ago

        I lost my mommy unexpectedly on Feb.10, 2020. This upcoming mothers day will be 3 months without her. She was and always will be my entire world. My dad has been gone for 22 yrs. This is the most unbearable pain ive ever felt. I need to be strong for my kids but i cry every day and feel broken without her. She was my bestfriend.

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        Jo 

        4 weeks ago

        My beautiful mam has passed away due non alcoholic liver failure I'm absolutely heart broken

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        V. Banks 

        4 weeks ago

        Awesome words Thankyou my mom died feb 29 2020 her health went bad she died in a few months she was perfectly fine the shock was too much ... Thankyou for this article I needed this

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        Jo's Thom 

        4 weeks ago

        My beautiful mom Jo passed 20 months ago. I miss her so much but I know that she will always remain in my heart forever....

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        joz 

        4 weeks ago

        i lost my mother april 25 to covid after 3 long hard weeks she spent on a ventilator. im jealous of everyone else whos parents didnt die during covid and was able to be by their side.

        April 26, the day after my mom died i gave birth to my baby girl. my mom wanted to meet her so bad. the pain is unbearable. she was the best grandma to my boys. i dont see how life can go on. i know i have to be strong for my kids. but im numb with pain...

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        Struggling daughter (Lynn) 

        4 weeks ago

        I lost my Mum April 8 2020 to COPD 4. My Mum was put in a Covid-19 Ward & was treated like a COVID patient, as the symptoms are very much the same. My Mum should of never been put in that ward, she was tested negative. Some of her regular medication was missed because of this. I miss her so much & I am struggling to come to terms with her loss. I could not even go to see her at the chapel of rest due to the delay

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        Lynn 

        4 weeks ago

        I lost my mum April 8 2020, i have never been through anything more awful. She was my best friend. I am broken

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        Cveta 

        5 weeks ago

        Thank you Tom

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        Tom 

        5 weeks ago

        yvonne, john, cveta, pb, janine-im sorry for your pain for i know it well. i hope you have a few minutes of strength each day when dealing with your feelings and emotions.

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        Yvonne 

        5 weeks ago

        Lost my mom april 5 2020, i have never been through anything more awful

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        JOHN 

        5 weeks ago

        LOST MY MOM 4 DAYS AGO. MISS HER PHONE CALLS. I AM SO SAD.

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        Cveta 

        5 weeks ago

        Today is 3 months since she is gone. The pain is still unbearable. I miss her voice, her smile and just Her. There are days when I think how is it my heart has not broken already, its so much in pain.

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        PB 

        6 weeks ago

        My mum passed away 12 weeks ago after a tough battle with her health .

        I was with her every step of her journey and wished that I could take some of her pain as it was unfair for her to endure that on her own leaving her weaker each time to fight .. it was extremely unfair as she never got a break from from being so unwell .

        I can see her face right now trying to smile through the pain that I could see in her eyes .

        The only blessing that was she was taken just before covid .. I work in a hospital and I know how hard it is for Patients that are ill and for families that can’t visit their loved ones .. I say prayers for you all at this time of uncertainty.

        I miss my mums smile her love and wisdom that she shared with me . I feel worse than how I felt beginning I think it didn’t feel real I suppose but now i know I will never hear her voice or look into her blue twinkling eyes or hold her hand again ..

        I just have to be grateful that I was lucky to have such an amazing mum and have all the memories of us together .

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        Janine keefe 

        6 weeks ago

        I lost my mum two weeks ago and cant get the fact shes gone. She had a massive stroke eight weeks ago,we thought wed lost her but she fought a chest infection then pneumonia .and was doing really well..she then contracted covid29 and three days later she was gone.

        We have the funeral weds with only ten allowed and social distance .

        Im actually scared of living my life without her. I really thought i have her longer.

        She was 70 .im 46

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        12YearOld 

        6 weeks ago

        My mom died when I was 4 with cancer, I don't remember anything about her and it hurts. Right after her death, I moved to another city, away from all of my friends. I didn't understand anything. I would cry every time someone said the word, mom. It still hurts and I avoid talking about it. Everyone is talking about how their moms are taking them shopping or have fun with them, while I am just watching them have fun. I went to a grief therapist and she said I was fine. (Probably because I didn't talk to her at all about it, because I didn't want to be in a hospital) Hospital are one of the things that I can't stand. I burst into tears and try to get away every time I go to one. I also won't talk to someone because I don't trust them. I don't understand what I should do?!

      • Susan Redder profile image

        Susan Redder 

        6 weeks ago from Central Texas

        Hi, I lost my mom Christmas last year. She had Alzheimer's and lived with my husband and I for 5 years. When I couldn't care for her as she needed we moved her to a nursing home. She lived 2 1/2 years longer. The decline was unbelievabley painful. Madness, chattering, it's and finally not recognizing me as me, but calling me mama. She was smart, vibrant and good. All those things disappearing day by day. 2 times she came back, it was very quick, but the neurons must of fired just right. Both times I out my head in her lap and wept. They passed back to confusing quickly. At the end, it took 10 days for her to pass after she stopped eating. All day and into the wee hours of night I'd put my head next to here on the bed and just try to soak her up, her smell, sound, face, hands hair. My siblings were pretty useless, and after the funeral they all went back to their lives. I only the last few months have been able to start cleaning out her side of the house, we added an apartment for her. Grief just swoops in like a high wave and swings back out. Always hovering just at the surface. I think maybe we will need to sale the house in hopes of moving on. Mom would hate my prolonged pain, she would. Thank you for listening, God bless us all as we try to walk again in life without our moms.

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        victoria aldridge 

        6 weeks ago

        I lost my mom 3 years ago today to lung cancer and today feels just like the very day I watched her take her last breath. Your story has helped me to realize that I’m ok to be sad right now even if it makes some Family members or friends uncomfortable bc it’s my grief, my mom that passed away not theirs. I’m sorry for your loss and for anyone that may be going through the loss of your mother bc it truly is devastating!!

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        Bertha Lee 

        6 weeks ago

        It will be 3 months tomorrow that my mom passed. Over the years she'd been in and out of the hospital, but she always came home. This time was different. She didn't come home. She was 70 years old. I am 43 years old and the youngest out of three. It seems that everyone else has moved on but i feel stuck. I am having a hard time accepting that my mom is no longer with me and I am having to try to do life without her physically with me.

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        River Nomad 

        7 weeks ago

        Easter Sunday

        A warm, sunny day filled with memories at the pioneer cemetery where Mom was buried on June 13th, last year.

        This place overlooks the valley traversed by Mom’s ancestors who arrived in covered wagons, after a long journey on the Oregon Trail over one-hundred and seventy years ago.

        As I tended Mom’s grave I thought of Easters past, picturing the sun streaming through the magnificent floor to ceiling stained glass window behind the upper loft at the back of our church. At the front of the sanctuary, a great number of potted Easter lilies filled the entire church with their intoxicating fragrance. After the service, we would help deliver them to shut-in members of the congregation.

        Memories from earlier years came back clearly, of Easter baskets filled with treats from the Easter Bunny (Mom and my grandmothers), and the sights and aromas of Mom’s wonderful Easter Brunch and later, a special Sunday dinner.

        There was also the poignant recalling of the last time Mom prepared our family favorite dinner on an Easter Sunday, which awaited the arrival of a friend and I from a whitewater kayak trip in the Sonoran Desert.

        Those were the days.

        In the vases recessed in the ground above where Mom lay, I placed yellow roses surrounded by stems of azalea blooms from our yard, flanked on either side by yellow, magenta, and stargazer lilies.

        Black tail deer, robins, hawks, and blue jays kept me company as I had a picnic lunch and wrote in my journal. The view from this spot looks east, out over the Willamette Valley. Mt. Hood, Mt. Jefferson, and the Cascades were covered in snow.

        The sound of a light breeze drifting through the ancient oak trees in this oldest section of the cemetery, and the wooded area behind, transported me back in time and carried the sweet scent of the lilies placed on Mom’s grave.

        Like uncountable times that we did share, it was a day Mom would have reveled in.

        A vital part of my life died along with Mom.

        From the shattered bits of me, is there enough left to cobble together and make the most of the rest of my life? Can I find from somewhere within the ability to tame my grief, guilt, and regret; and enjoy the life Mom and I created together, without her?

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        River Nomad 

        7 weeks ago

        Grief is a Sorcerer

        It transforms a wonderful memory

        A recalling of a cherished experience

        Into a reminder of loss

        Becoming a tragedy of absence

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        Suhas 

        8 weeks ago

        @River Nomad

        I feel exactly what you mentioned below. It seems so much easier to be lost in her memories, to think about our times with our moms, so much so that sad songs give solace to the soul..I get a different kind of peace when I listen to sad songs, makes me feel close to her...Sometimes I feel I just want to be in that state, that seems easier than getting up and doing anything or moving on with my life...I feel that I lack the strength to go on without her...but the fact is no matter how much we want, we'll have to get out of that mode & focus on our health, wantingly or unwantingly..depression does a lot of damage to our physical health in the long run. I think about it & try to counsell myself all the time but no matter what I do, she is always there on my mind. It seems impossible that there ever will be a day when I will laugh heartily like I did with her, but we can keep trying...that will be the greatest way to honour them.

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        Suhas 

        8 weeks ago

        @Willythekid13

        I'll start it soon, will share the number here for the watsapp group.

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        River Nomad 

        2 months ago

        I think about what it means to accommodate the lonely reality that Mom will no longer be physically present in my life.

        It seems easier being frozen in the despair of loss and mourning, than adjusting to the idea of living the rest of my life without her.

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        Willythekid13 

        2 months ago

        @suhas if you start one let me know I come by this site almost daily to look through here.

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        Devastated 

        2 months ago

        Today is 8 weeks since my mom passed away. It seems to be getting harder instead of easier. Three straight days of uncontrollable crying. Maybe it's because I'm a teacher and school has been cancelled for the rest of the year and I'm stuck in the house. Within 9 weeks I've taken my mom off life support, put my 16 year-old dog to sleep, and now I can't spend time with my students who are 4 and 5. I feel so bad for people like you, Lisa, who couldn't be with their loved ones. I spent 5 weeks with my mom in ICU. Even though that time was incredibly traumatic, I'm grateful for it. Thank you for this site. Even if no one comments on your post with words of comfort, it's good to know there are others out there who understand, since so many people surrounding us are lucky enough to not know this pain.

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        Lisa 

        2 months ago

        It’s actually been 4 days since my mom passed away. And during this state of the world , I couldn’t see her in the hospital which made it even worse. I feel numb all over and actually physical pain since the day. I pray for peace to get through this.

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        Suhas 

        2 months ago

        Thank you so much San! Your post really helped! I was thinking if we could have a watsapp group where we could all share what we do on a day to day basis to keep us going, something we all do in our daily lives to survive this loss, text each other in the group if we miss our mom's too muc...it will just help feel less lonely & survive helping each other.

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        San 

        2 months ago

        Suhas. I feel your pain, its been two years since i lost my mum and i still think about her last few days on earth and it sends me into a panic and floods of tears. Its only been two months since you lost your mum, its so recent, dont expect too much from yourself. Take one day at a time, it still wont be easy but eventually you will be able to think of the good times as well which will make it a little easier to carry on and try to live the life that your mum would want for you. Take care and keep writing. We are here for each other.

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        Suhas 

        2 months ago

        You guys must have read my previous posts. I keep writing here whenever i miss her so badly that it feels impossible to live without her, without her presence. It's 4.30 a.m, i have insomnia & she would be the one up with me, all the time. I am trying to move on in life, live my life the way she wanted me too, happily, but it's not happening. It's going to be 2 months soon when i lost her to cancer. I break from inside whenever her suffering, her pain & the fact that my mom suffered so much flashes before my eyes. I don't know what to do, how to reduce my pain. I am trying everything i mentioned in previous comments but i am unable to come to terms with reality, especially her suffering. She didn't deserve to suffer, she was an angel who never did wrong to anyone.

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        Willythekid13 

        2 months ago

        @lee

        I’m sorry to hear of your loss. That is such a terrible loss. I’ve heard the older folks were vulnerable but all I see is statistics on tv. But you putting your personal input on it makes it far more real. I’m sorry and I’m sure you found this place the same way I did. Looking for answers and feeling lost. All I can say is we all feel for you and find a way to honor her daily. That’s what I try to do for my mom. I can’t believe she’s gone either. Makes the world seem so lonely despite being surrounded by my own wife and kids. We only have one mom.. remember that. You are your kids only mom. Be the best one you can

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        Lee 

        2 months ago

        I lost my mum 2 days ago, she was everything to me and my 2 children. Being on my own with them made her my backbone even more so. I feel robbed of her because of the Coronavirus. She was fit and healthy never spent a night in hospital prior to this

        I know I must sound selfish but I’m literally scared of how to face life without her

        Although I’ve done noting but cry and mope around the house since it still doesn’t seem real yet.

        I love her so much and cherish her dearly. It’s a void that will never be filled completely

        But I want her to rest in peace and to still be looking out for me from above

        I love you mum always

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        San 

        2 months ago

        Mum i love and miss you so so much. Its been 2 years and 3 months since you went with the angels, but to me it feels like yesterday. I will never get over the loss of you, my beautiful mum and best friend. X

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        Jo's Thom 

        2 months ago

        Almost 19 months since my sweet mom passed, the most beautiful soul that was ever created. I still miss her presence so much every day.

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        Gary 

        2 months ago

        Dear Susan my darling mum passed away three years ago this May She was 98.I lived with her and looked after her but now that she is not here with me like you the house is empty.When she was alive oh how I loved to.hear her voice everytime I rang from work

        She made me so happy I knew she was ok and always looked forward to coming home and seeing her that smile.I continue to suffer intense grief and I dont think that I will ever fully accept her loss.She was a big part of my life she gave me purpose and reason

        I always looked forward to seeing her and being with her.No one in my family could ever be like her. My grief counsellor also said that I will never get over it.There is no such thing as moving on

        What you have is a great ball of pain in your stomach its a ball of sadness of deep sorrow of guilt of remembering her decline in health.Icry constantly because I am sorry she went through this illhealth perhaps I could done more.I am sorry for my moms and I miss her very much

        I am heartbroken .Regards Gary

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        Juddy 

        2 months ago

        Thanx so much coz you have helped me so much.i lost my mom 2 weeks ago and the pain is unbelierable.i feel to scream alone cozno one can understand the pain

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        Paul of South Melbourne saying Hi 

        2 months ago from South Melbourne

        My mum is aged I wish her so much love that I will miss her when she passes

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        River Nomad 

        2 months ago

        In recollecting my memories of Mom’s life, I’m grateful for what I’ve learned from being in her presence, by the example she set, and the experiences we shared. These will live with me always.

        I love you Mom, you will always live in my heart

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        Suhas 

        2 months ago

        Sometimes i suddenly miss mom like hell, like i am right now, especially when i am alone at midnight 4.00 a.m....she & i would play or chat until we slept. It is at times like this that i miss her so intensely. Past 2 yrs have been very traumatic for me & my family with my own health issues in 2018, my mom was the one who would always be with me and what she did for me even god can't do it, she literally pulled me out of my sickness and then mom being diagnosed with cancer in 2019 and then her passing away on 5th feb 2020. And now there's corronavirus creating havoc in everybody's life in the world. It seems like there has not been a breather for us in years now, the world is facing traumatic situation now but people like us have been facing it consistently for a very long time and i really really wish we get a breather to just live our lives peacefully. I just hope the trauma of corovirus ends soon, it's been a very long time since i actually felt happy or even ok to mention.

      • profile image

        Suhas 

        2 months ago

        @onemorelonelygirl

        I am feeling the same pain as you are right now, as i sit here at 4.00 a.m. crying for hmy mom, missing her and reading your comments. All i want to tell you is i feel the same way as you, like i have suddenly grown up and i am on my own now since i am young & single, i now have to manage myself on my own, watch my own back, depend on myself, especially emotionally.

        All i can say to you is try to find a coping mechanism or support somewhere, do something you love or get a pet. I am still trying to find my coping mechanism, that's the only sustainable way in the long run. It's not going to be easy at all, it's one of the most most difficult things that you will have to deal with in life but life doesn't leave us with much of an option.

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        Suhas 

        2 months ago

        @missy

        Thank you so much for all the help & understanding my pain. I am trying to find a coping mechanism but i still haven't found anything, nothing has still helped me so much that i can deal with mom's absence from my life but i hope some day i can find something that brings me peace.

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        Suhas 

        2 months ago

        @Paromita Mujherjee @Willy

        Thank you so much for sharing what you do to deal with this pain. I'll try what you shared & @Willy shared about writing letters, hope it helps me too & makes the pain atleast this much bearable that i can live my life.

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        Suhas 

        2 months ago

        @Willythekid 13

        Thank you so for sharing your experience & feelings with me. I know exactly how it feels when you don't believe in god because those who believe in god still have an ans to tell themselves that it was god's will, past karmas and god is going to take care of their mom, our mom's are in a better place with god now. But for those of us who don't believe in god that much or at all, it's difficult to convince ourselves and ans our why's as to why our mom suffered or left when she deserved to live a healthy happy life, there is no external force to rely on for answers in the absence of faith in god. U know my grandparents lost a lot of children to death when all of them were very young due to high mortality rate at time in kids and due to their unwavering faith in god, they convinced themselves that it was he who gave them their children & it was he who took away what he gave, it was his will. That ways they were able to move on in life & eventually find happiness in little things in life. But the question is if we don't have that unwavering fath in god as some people do then how do we ans ourselves back and move on with our lives.

        The only thing i tell myself today is that life is nothing but this present moment which in another 1 sec is going to become past moment and the next moment will be the present moment which will again go away forever. It's totally upto us how we want to feel in this present moment which will slip out of our hands in milliseconds, we can feel happiness, grief, excitement, sadness, it's all upto us. Life is not our past, not our future but this moment & i keep telling myself that.. it helps me keep going as much as possible. This is the only thing that i keep reminding myself, that i am not here forever, our mom's would always want their children to be happy and to fully live their lives, they spent their entire life trying to make our life better, the biggest way to keep them alive is to live our life fully, that's the biggest tribute to them.

        To keep their loved one's alive, some people get a tattoo related to them or some start a movement or an ngo in their name, that ways they along with the world always make sure that their loved one's are alive in every action they do.

        No matter how hard i try to be honest, i am still struggling with getting used to living without my mom, i feel like a part of me has been taken away because i was really really close to her but what i shared above helps me sometimes. U know i try to make efforts to stay happy but when i am happy i suddenly feel sad from inside because i miss her smile when i smile because she always made me smile. I am trying to take each moment as it comes.

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        vee 

        2 months ago

        My mom passed away May 17,2017. It will be three years soon. Sometimes I cannot believe she is gone, but mostly that its three years, seems less dont know why. Still feel hollow in my heart will always be empty. My Mom was my best friend.

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        Paromita Mukherjee 

        2 months ago

        Dear Suhas ,

        I lost my beloved Mom on 20th December, 2017.All that I can say that please don't try to cope up with this tremendous pain...try to live with this pain. Gradually you will learn how to smile in front of others hiding your tears....my wound still bleeds...but I have learnt to swallow this pain without any dressing on it.Even today I continuously talk to her,share each and every problem ,be it trivial in nature ...believe me this way I started getting answers or solutions within myself. Try this ....she will definitely help you.

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        Cveta 

        2 months ago

        I dont understand was my comment not posted??

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        One More Lonely Girl 

        2 months ago

        I keep reading these like it's going to make it all go away. All the tightness in my throat and the stinging in my eyes. But I know it wont. I'm only a teenager without a mother. Sometimes I just don't think I can do it. Sometimes, like you said, I just crave her voice and her teasing me. I want to hear her laughing at me. The alienation from people with mothers is crazy.

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        New Orphan 

        2 months ago

        I broke down in the Hallmark shop as I looked at Easter cards and realized I would not be needing one for Mom this year.... First holiday without my momma...

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        Willythekid13 

        2 months ago

        I keep reading these like I’m gonna see this golden nugget that I need to help me. It just breaks my heart reading everyone else going through what we all are going through. Nothing will ever replace a mom. Not even close. One thing I’ve been doing to try to cope with everything is I write my mom a letter everyday. I just write to her to I guess fill that void in my life that her passing has created. I talked with her about everything. And now i just express my feelings and just write about day to day stuff. I think it helps me. I hope she can see what I am writing. I have it in my head that she can and that sense I still have her with me. I hope y’all can find ways to cope with all this and find peace. I know my mother wouldn’t want me to be depressed like I am. I can make a pretty educated guess yalls mother’s loved y’all and would want nothing but the best. So if there is a way she can look down and read my letters I can still move forward in my life and continue to honor my mother daily. That’s my biggest concern. I don’t ever want her to feel like a distant memory. I turned 30 4 days after her funeral and however long I live I want to remember her.

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        P.B. 

        2 months ago

        Susan I am the exact same I posted not long after mum passed and now nearly 8 weeks on I feel more emotional and very sad ..

        I keep repeating the last weeks in my head and see her loosing her fierce battle to stay with the ones she loved ..

        My dad has just got home from hospital and I am trying my best to give him the care he needs .. also seeing all her belongings and clothes that need to go is just sometimes too much to face ..

        I have so many funny happy memories of my kind thoughtful loving mum but the suffering she had to endure seem to haunt me more ..

        I know everyone that posts on here are hurting in different ways I send my love and condolences out to you all as we are the same we have lost mum .. no one can ever replace that void in our lives.. now it’s learning to cope and go on with out her ..

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        Susan 

        2 months ago

        It has been 2 and a half months now since mom passed away on Dec 21, 2019 I posted on here when she first died. It is still hard and I miss her every day. She was ready to go at the age of 97 but we lived together which makes it even harder coming home and she's no longer here. I have been seeing a counselor through hospice and it does help. He said "you'll never get over it--you'll just work through it" I hope he's right. I have my good and bad days-but am very depressed. The hardest thing I have ever been through. I hope the best for everyone going through similar situations.

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        GQB 

        2 months ago

        We lost Mom March 2nd, 2020 at 8:00pm

        She was a previous breast cancer survivor and unfortunately it returned but she didn't find out until a late diagnosis.

        Her family doctor missed it and her oncologists failed her by not addressing all the areas in a timely manner.

        My younger brother, who is a family practitioner, stepped in and ordered a brain and bone scan. Pretty sad her normal doctors failed her so badly. The results revealed tragic news that tumours were on her brain and hip. There was also a concerned shadow on her lung - which was probably from the previous bout of breast cancer.

        My brother put her on a steroid immediately to slow things down and hopefully avoid any seizures. He was a Godsend or she would have most likely passed away around

        Christmas and we would have had no idea why.

        The next four months were a real struggle. She received 4 or 5 treatments of radiation on her brain. She lost her hair again. They never address the other areas until after Christmas. Not sure what they were waiting for.

        We tried some juicing and alternative methods during this time as nothing else was being done.

        Mom was able to enjoy Christmas but was very tired and had to take many breaks.

        Mom, being a former nurse of 40 years was one of the strongest fighters we've ever seen. Her pain tolerance was amazing. She also hated taking what she felt were unneeded meds. I'm sure she saw it as somehow admitting defeat. And she was so determined to beat this thing Looking back I know she tolerated more than she should have. They put her on Dilaudid which pretty much knocked her out and she was sleeping all the time. I found it very discouraging that they never figured out the meds at home that took care of the pain and discomfort but still allowed her to be lucid enough to visit with family and friends.

        We also tried the CBD oil route which sadly didn't provide any comfort. This was another disappointing area as we never found anything that would provide the immediacy we needed for her comfort. Everything was just expensive concentrates and nothing with the potency we were looking for.

        By January we figure she had a minor seizure or something happened as her mobility took a serious hit. I'm sure it was the areas the doctors didn't address. She needed to be lifted for everything including bathroom needs. My sisters were true saints as they took care of her during this time.

        She was next scheduled for 4 radiation treatments for her hip area.

        This was another disappointment as they were intended for palliative purposes only. Nothing curative. What a waste of her time considering the discomfort she was in and what she had to tolerate moving her.

        I was the primary lifter whenever needed. From the bed to the wheelchair, wheelchair to the car seat, car seat to another wheelchair once we arrived for a consultation or treatment.

        Her four treatments we're supposed to be consecutive however this industry doesn't work on weekends or holidays. Her initial treatments were scheduled for a Thurs, Fri, Mon, Tues, and Wed. So much for consecutive. Others industries would stagger their employees work weeks such Mon thru Fri, Tues thru Sat and Wed thru Sun. This way nothing is ever shut down. Pretty mind blowing they put patients through this.

        Sadly my Mom was let down additionally by her first appointment being bumped as one of their machines went down. So much for redundancy and keeping up with the daily load. So my Mom's first appointment was now that Friday.

        She then had to wait Saturday, Sunday and now Monday as Monday was a holiday (Presidents Day in the US, Family Day in Canada). So much for consecutive treatments.

        Next downfall was that a room had opened at Hospice and Mom was in a state that she had to either accept the room or risk losing it and have to wait for the next one which could be any location instead of the location closest to their residence.

        This was a very sad day. Mom was in a state of shock as everything happened so fast and she was once again having to face defeat on something she was so convinced she was going to beat.

        My advice to all is ensure you research or understand what palliative care is and what it's not. We were very disappointed with the whole experience. Except for the social workers for the kids and one nurse who was exceptional, and very much like my mother, the rest of the group fell short in all their areas including the Hospice doctors.

        The sad realization was that ALL Trying stops. It is literally an end of life facility with no curative actions whatsoever. That was a tough thing to come to terms with.

        Her first few days she was put on Dilaudid injections through her shunts She was rendered to simply sleeping all the day.

        I stayed with my Dad round the clock the next few weeks to give him support and help my Mom for any needs throughout the night as my Dads hearing wasn't the greatest and he was concerned he would miss something. I was fortunate my work allowed me to work remotely during this time. After a couple days the doctors did their rounds and we asked if there was something other than Dilaudid that we could try that would allow her to be more lucid for family and visitors. Of course they said we could try Fentenyl patches. These took 12 hours to get in your system. Always amazing you have to ask for stuff like this. Who's the doctor here anyways.... Sure enough with the Fentenyl she was more lucid the very next day.

        Her Hospice stay was less than stellar. Except for the one phenomenal nurse the rest of the nurses were just too slow with their response time and the meds. They just don't make nurses like they used to. It was extremely sad and frustrating to see Mom in any state of discomfort. It became obvious that they had resource issues and they weren't equipped with the tools to work efficiently and respond to patients in a timely manner.

        Mom had the heart of a work horse and took an extended period of time to let go.

        She did fortunately make it to her 79th birthday.

        She sadly passed peacefully on a Monday night surrounded by her family.

        Feel pretty helpless and cheated that the doctors failed her so badly. Normally when you feel cheated you can simply shrug it off, make some adjustments and try again. Unfortunately in this case there is no second try. Convinced had she found out sooner she would have beat this but was let down by the whole system. Sad there's no accountability.

        We do have some closure and peace knowing that she is in a better place and doesn't have to suffer or deal with these system shortcomings ever again forever.

        Thanks very much for all the posts. It is therapeutic to hear the stories and know you're not alone and many are struggling with similar situations.

        Prayers to everyone for your loved ones and that God supports you all in your struggles and provides spiritual support for those tough days.

        Our loved ones will never be forgotten.

        They are looking down on us until we join them again

        God bless everyone.

        GQB

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        Willythekid13 

        2 months ago

        @ Suhas I lost my mom on the same day as you. My moms death came as a complete shock to everyone. She was always extremely healthy and walked Several miles daily. 63 years old. Mom and dad left for work around the same time and on this day mom said she would be leaving shortly after dad. Dad came home after work and she was laying on the floor in the bathroom. She was everything to all of us. She has always held everyone together. It’s me and my brother and dad now. My mom should of been flying into Texas today to visit. It’s my sons birthday and she had purchased tickets the day before she died. Now I feel so alone. I’ve always played the tough guy and never showed emotion. So I don’t know how to even talk about how I feel with my wife or anything. I don’t even know if that would help honestly. But I struggle a lot cause I don’t really believe in a god. I want too so badly. I want to believe she’s in a better place but I’ve always thought that was all just a coping mechanism and moral compass humans created but I wish so bad it was fact. I just struggle with the why. Like why even try to move forward. I don’t want to make her a distant memory. My kids are 9 and 6 and they were excited she was coming. But today no one even says anything and I know they are young and I don’t blame them one bit for not remembering but the fact is my mom deserved so much more she didn’t deserve to miss everything like that. To be just an old memory. She should of been here to see em grow up and have families of there own.. I know she’d of wanted me to be happy but really how should I feel about all that. Cause that alone doesn’t do it for me. And I’m not asking for pity and this isn’t a cry for help. I’m not suicidal I just want to know how others move forward after feeling like my mom got robbed out of all the memories and time with me and the grandkids and everyone. It’s crippling to think about.

      • profile image

        Grace's boy 

        2 months ago

        day 888. What all this pain teaches is how trivial normal pain is, how to cry properly and how to love properly. For a while the Only Ones only have each other.

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        Natasha 

        2 months ago

        I lost mum the only sister I had 3months ago it's been hard , I will always cherish her and make her proud living the life she wanted me to live. I love you mummy you will always be my best friend ❤

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        Michael 

        2 months ago

        Lost my mom 4 years ago and it still hurts but this article just helped me with a few things I forgot to remember.. she was AWESOME and she deserves to be remembered. Don’t resent your friends that have moms but celebrate in their ability to not know What it’s like to lose one. Help them cherish.

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