How to Go on After the Loss of Your Mother

Updated on February 14, 2018

Your mother is your first friend and playmate. She’s the one who rocked you as a baby, patched you up as a clumsy kid, and eased your heartaches as a teen. She helped you plan your wedding and coached you on the ins and outs of being a first-time mother. In a sense, your mother is the biggest part of your life. This article is about dealing with the loss of this woman.

Nothing can prepare you for what it’s like to lose your mom. I’ve had many friends throughout the years who have lost their own mothers. I felt sad for them and offered words of comfort. I cooked lasagna and bought cards to help my friends “get through” the grief. I had absolutely no idea though how excruciating it is to no longer have your mother with you.

No matter what I write in this article, if you haven’t lost your mother, you won’t fully understand the depths of grief one goes through. The pain is crippling, and it hits you at random moments. One minute you might be fine, and the next minute you are curled up in a ball on your bedroom floor in inconceivable pain. If you have lost your mother, then you’re probably sitting there nodding your head in agreement.

"The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her."

— Author Unknown

My mother passed away on September 18th, 2011. She had suffered with lung cancer for the year and a half prior to her death. Her suffering was long and difficult for everyone. We all knew Mom was going to die. In fact, there came a point when we were praying for God to take her and end her suffering.

I thought I was prepared for Mom’s passing. I’m an educated, intellectual woman. I read all the books on death, dying, and grief. I knew it would be hard, but I figured I was ready to face it head-on. After all, losing a parent is a fact of life that millions of people before me have faced. Mom was very brave and was ready to die. I was going to be brave too. I thought I would grieve for a while, and then I would be able to move on with life. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

The following is based on my experience. Your experience might be completely different, but I’ll bet most of you can find some similarities between my experience and yours.

Coping With Grief

• Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel

• Don't Put a Time Limit on Your Grief

• Remember Your Mom

• Allow Yourself to Have Bad Days

• Find Your Peace

• Smile and Live Your Life

You are likely to receive a lot of support from friends and co-workers in the days immediately following your mother's death.
You are likely to receive a lot of support from friends and co-workers in the days immediately following your mother's death.

The first few days after your mother dies are going to feel like a blur. You will function only in that you will make funeral arrangements, contact relatives, console family members, and go forward taking care of necessary tasks. Numbness is the perfect word for this time. The funeral will come and go, and so will the relatives and well-wishers.

After the burial, it’s time for life to go back to normal, right? Wrong! Life will never be normal again. It will be different, but it will never be as it was. How could it be?

For the first few weeks, your friends and coworkers will be wonderful. They’ll offer you lots of smiles and hugs. They’ll offer to take you to dinner and they’ll listen as you talk about how bad the pain is. You’ll hear a lot of “I’m here for you”, and “If there’s anything I can do” comments during this time.

After a couple months, it will seem like people have forgotten that you lost this important part of your life. They’ll stop asking how you are, and they might even look worried when you want to talk about your mom. You see, people who haven’t gone through this pain think there’s a period of grieving and that's it. After a certain time, you should be ready to move on with your life and "get over it."

But you will never get over it. The pain will lessen, and the moments of intense grief will be farther apart, but how can you ever get over losing your mother?

Allow yourself to feel just the way you feel.
Allow yourself to feel just the way you feel.

Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel

Well-intentioned people will try to speed up the grieving process for you. They’ll try to keep you busy, and some of them won’t mention your mother’s name for fear of hurting you. But you must allow yourself to grieve. If you try to stay busy and put it out of your mind, it will catch up to you. You’re going to feel it at some point. It’s best to let it happen when it happens.

After Mom died, I tried to push away the grief. Any time I felt like falling apart, I would take deep breaths and get busy with something else. This worked for a little while, but not for long. The pain was not going away, and I needed to feel it. One night—two months after Mom’s death—I was sitting at the dinner table with my husband and children. The kids were talking about their day, and I was trying to actively listen. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I knew what it was, but was trying to ignore it. You see, grief is a very physical thing. You literally feel physical pain. I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and I got up and ran to my bedroom. My husband gave me some time alone. When he finally came in to check on me, I was curled up on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. After that night, I learned to allow myself to feel the pain. I didn’t ignore it anymore.

Your feelings will move up and down in an unpredictable way.
Your feelings will move up and down in an unpredictable way.

Don't Put a Time Limit on Your Grief

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there's no set time limit on the process.The old saying "Time heals all wounds" is not entirely accurate, but not entirely inaccurate either. I don't know if the wound of losing a mother is ever healed. The pain does get more bearable over time. But how long it should take? No one can say.

Five months after my mother passed away, the parent of one of my students died. I knew this man well, and I wanted to help my student. I planned to go to the funeral, but then the day before, I realized I couldn't do it. I hadn't been in a funeral home since Mom's wake, and I nearly hyperventilated just thinking about it. I told a friend I wasn't going, and she became aggravated. Her words were, "Your mom died in September. Don't you think it's time you moved on?" I probably don't have to point out to you that this woman's mother is still very much alive. I'll be honest, I felt like something must be wrong with me. Why wasn't I able to move on? Now, I realize that I was still grieving. I wasn't following any timetable, and it was okay.

Let yourself remember both the good and the bad things about your mom.
Let yourself remember both the good and the bad things about your mom.

Remember Your Mom

That heading sounds silly. Of course, you're going to remember your mom. She was your mom! What I mean here is that you should remember your mom for who she was—the good and the bad.

I spent months remembering my mom as this perfect human being who was, by far, the greatest mother who ever walked the earth. Mom was a wonderful person, but let's face it, she's was human. After a few months, I started having memories of the real mother I grew up with. She wasn't perfect, and we didn't always get along. Mom had a knack for being negative toward me, and I wasn't always patient with her. Putting Mom up on a pedestal wasn't fair to her, and she would've hated it.

Yes, remembering the bad times isn't always easy. Regret may rear its ugly head, but there's nothing you can do about it now. You can't push it away, because like the grief, it will find you. As they say, it is what it is. My mom knew I loved her dearly, and I knew the same about her. We didn't have the perfect relationship, but in the end, I was there by her side. I watched as she took her last breath, just as she watched me take my first. She was my mother. The good, the bad, and the ugly ... she was my mother, and I loved her.

Even long after your mother's death you will have days when you miss her dearly.
Even long after your mother's death you will have days when you miss her dearly.

Allow Yourself to Have Bad Days

It's now been a year and a half since Mom passed away. I miss her dearly, especially when I go visit my Dad. I hold up pretty well, though. I can laugh and smile as I tell my kids something Mom used to say when I was a child. I can crank up her favorite songs and sing as loudly as she would. I would say, I'm doing pretty well.

Some days are tougher than others. One reason I wrote this article is that yesterday was a particularly rough day for me. I woke up craving my mother's voice. I wanted to call her and hear her laugh. I wanted her to make me laugh. Mom had the best sense of humor of anyone I've ever known, and I needed that yesterday. I cried several times yesterday, and it was okay. I let myself feel the grief again. Those days will come, no matter how long it's been. Let it come.

Do the things you enjoy.
Do the things you enjoy.

Find Your Peace

People find comfort in different things. For some people, taking a walk helps. For others, a long, hot bath does the trick. The important thing is not WHAT you do, but that you do something for you.

There may be songs, smells, or images that bring comfort to you as well. For me, it's the sight of a hummingbird. This was Mom's favorite animal, and she had several items around her house with the tiny creature on them. During one of the darkest moments of my life—Mom's funeral—a hummingbird flew to the window of the church and lingered there for a minute. I have caught glimpses of hummingbirds a few times since then, and it they have brought me great peace. Silly? Maybe, but you find whatever works for you. Don't let anyone diminish those moments. I truly believe they are meant to help us.

Let yourself smile when you feel ready to.
Let yourself smile when you feel ready to.

Smile and Live Your Life

At some point after your mother's death, you will find reasons to smile again. I think this is one of the greatest things we can do to honor our moms and the love we have for them. Find joy again. Laugh heartily. Love deeply. Live like your mother would want you to.

On those days when you just miss your mom, don't fight it. Allow yourself to miss her. A wise friend of mine said, "Your mother deserves to be remembered. She deserves to be missed."

Find the Support of Others

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    • profile image

      Keita 

      4 hours ago

      I lost my mom a month ago due to heart failure and she also had lupus it’s so hard visiting my dad and she not there to greet me and her grand kids anymore. the same month before she passed her and my dad Celebrate they 42 wedding Anniversary. I keep asking myself what else I could have done for her so she could still be here a little longer. I still cry it comes like waves

    • profile image

      Only Child 

      5 hours ago

      My mom passed away on February 6, 2018 from endometrial cancer that had metastasized to her lungs. She had opted out of traditional treatment. She had 4 quality of life years and one really bad month from the time of her diagnosis. I was with her her last 6 days. I am haunted by regrets and the hurtful things said. I don't know why I focus on that since there is so much more that was accomplished and done on my mom's behalf at the hospital in her final days. I told her I'd be her rock so instead of acknowledging that she was dying I became strong for her. Now I wish we'd had more real heart to heart conversations. Instead she told me that saying I love you is not the same as showing I love you. At least I was with her in the end as she took her final breaths. I miss her terribly and uncontrollably. The author of the article nailed the feelings for sure.

    • profile image

      April Galvan 

      8 hours ago

      I agree i lost momma to Pancreatic cancer on January 10th 2018 and work and life just goes on, nobody really cares they expect you to just be over it. I have a million tears behind my smile.Its so hard as time goes by, everything reminds me of my loving mother, my hero & best friend.I didnt go one day without at least talking or seeing my mother, she had to see her grandbabies everyday,my daughters,this has been so devastating to us

    • profile image

      Susan 

      9 hours ago

      I lost my mommie on june 30th she fought cancer for 12 years , she was 49 when she left me . She was my bestest friend ever she did suffer a lot but she did not prepare us for this day . I was 15 when she got cancer now I’m 26 , I am forever thankful for god helping her all these years but the bone cancer and not being able to do dyalsis got to her

      Rip mommie

      I don’t think nothing will ever be as hard in life

    • profile image

      AM 

      11 hours ago

      I would love to start a forum for all of us to be able to easily reply to one another. Some of you have recently lost your moms and could probably use someone who went through a similar situation to talk to. Any ideas?

    • profile image

      AM 

      11 hours ago

      I lost my mom almost two years ago to cancer and I think about her every single day. The hardest part is that no one in my personal life has such a close relationship with their mothers, so they don't understand. Even two years later I miss her just as much, if not more, as I did when she died. The pain is still the same although I have been able to find moments of happiness, there are times that grief will stop me dead in my tracks and I will be overcome by sadness. It is the hardest thing I've gone through.

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      umar sahil 

      28 hours ago

      miss you mom (;

    • profile image

      Middle Child 

      30 hours ago

      My mom died 3 days ago from lung cancer. I have acute sadness, but haven’t been able to show it, as I have taken on the roll of trustee. My siblings have already started to question my decisions, and I don’t feel like I have any way to release my anger and sadness.

      I don’t want anything except to keep the peace. I have followed my moms wishes to a T, and feel like I am doing the right things.

      I need sleep, but cannot get my moms final moments out of my head.

      Stuck in the Middle

    • profile image

      Erryynne 

      35 hours ago

      Dear Why

      I feel like we are going through the exact same thing. It’s been 4 months and 1 day since my mom passed and I cannot/have not been able to move on. I’ve fooled everyone around me.....they think I’m fine, but in reality I want to die. I’m not suicidal, but I no longer have the urge or will to live a very long life. I guess our mothers had such an impact on our lives that the thought of living without them is unbearable. Of course, I knew my mom would go one day. But I thought she would be much, much older. I get sick thinking about it. She was my absolute best friend. We literally spent every day of the last 35 years of my life together (ok, maybe I went on vacation for a week or so without her once or twice). I feel like I’m in a nightmare....that one day I will wake up and everything will be like it was. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I relive the day she died every. single. day. I don’t mean to take anything away from you. I just want you to know that I know the unbearable pain that you, and all of us here, are going through. We loved watching old movies together (and when I say old, I mean 1940s old). I can’t bring myself to watch any just yet....

    • profile image

      Erryynne 

      2 days ago

      Dear Bonnie and San,

      Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I will definitely consider going to a medium/spiritual advisor soon. I need to, in fact. To Bonnie: I’m actually in the US, New York. Someone gave me the name of a local medium, so one day I’ll go. I get emotional pretty much everyday, so I’m used to tears.

      Again, thank you for responding! It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I miss her so much, it hurts :*(

    • profile image

      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 days ago

      Dear Erryynne

      Please see my last post to San. If you check over some of my previous posts (only joined the group in the last 4 months) you will see i have referenced spiritualism a lot and detailed some of the messages ive had that only my mum and i (and close family ) would know. First time is when i went to a spiritilaist church (rather than a private reading ) was just 4 weeks after she passed .my sis in law and i got the most wonderful message from her. Ive been told that people have went for readings and received messages from their loved ones within a few days of their passing. I dont think there is a timescale of when is appropriate so to speak. Someone once said if the loved one was a shy/not a pushy person in life then they may take a little longer in death to come through. I dont know how much substance there is to this though .my mum wasnt a pushy person in life but would have put her life on the line for her family who she adored. She used to worry about leaving me so i like to think she pushed through her message for us so quickly just to help alleviate some of the pain.

      Are you in the UK by any chance Erryyvnne? I could maybe have let know if i had heard any of the mediums you might considering . I really hope you find a good one too .if you do be prepared for the emotion and tears but trust me they will be tears of joy should you get a good message .

      Take care

    • profile image

      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 days ago

      Dear San

      As you know im on holiday with limited wifi access .ive stayed in tonight and let my husband go out with kids as i have been sick all day with a bug or touch of food poisoning (feeling a bit sorry for myself if im honest ) but i just got online access so managed to check the site.ive not managed to read all other posts yet just yours there .San i truely have years of happiness in my eyes for you .i am delighted you got the validation you needed that you will see your wonderful mum again some day. San i am a Roman Catholic and not therefore supposed to partake in any spiritualist activities .ive said before however if i go to a medium and connect with my mum who am i harming .i dont think i would functioned without mum had i not connecter with her .maybe i am a dounting Thomas but mum was who i spoke to most in life then why should i not connect with her if i can . So so happy for you.some people may discuss readings as nonsense but you know yourself there are some things that no one other than you both could know.

      I hope things have been stable enough with your brother and he is more comfortable at least while he waits on his Op.

      Take care x

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      San 

      3 days ago

      To Erryynne. I have visited a medium and i found it very comforting as she told me things she could not possibly have known. The message she gave me from my mum was very reassuring and made me feel, not better but more able to cope knowing i will see my mum again one day. I hope you can find a really good medium who will give you the really calm feeling that i got. Good luck Erryynne, love San xx

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      Erryynne 

      3 days ago

      Has anyone here gone to a medium? I wanted to go the day after my mom died but I read that it’s better to wait. I’m skeptical, but I have to at least try, when the time is right.

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      San 

      3 days ago

      Dear Why, try not to expect too much from yourself, you must try to just go with it day by day or even hour by hour. It is still very raw for you at the moment, you've only just managed to get through your mums funeral. I am beginning to think that we will never get over losing our mums maybe we will just learn to cope. I have spoken to people who lost their mums a long time ago and they still have really bad days, so maybe if we just take one day at a time we will just get through. Take care Why and don't be too hard on yourself, we are all here when you need to sound off. San xx

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      Nicole 

      3 days ago

      I have lost my mum and my dad recently both to cancer! I feel sad everyday! My. Ones ache and I get sooooo tired! I have my sister but we live quite far apart! I long to hear my mums voice! I just need to see her! I don’t think I have grieved enough and that worries me! I try to ignore it and pretend it’s not happened!

    • profile image

      Why 

      3 days ago

      Since my mom died i lost myself. The saying that joy comes in the morning i dont think that applies to me. Every morning i wake up feelin worse than the day before. This makes me wonder if i will ever feel better feel happy again. Everyday my will to be alive to stay alive feels weaker and weaker. I just miss my mom so much. I dont know how to move on. Im scared that this depression might lead to mental illness for me. I just wanna be ok feel ok again. I wanna get back the will power to live again to feel happy again. Im really trying but its really hard. I dont know what else to do. The only thing thats on my mind 24-7 is my mom. I dont know how to leave without her. Her life was really cut short. This has become really unbearable for me. IT'S just too much. I dont know how to deal with anymore.

    • profile image

      mjrmtr 

      4 days ago

      I loved what you said. My mom passed away in 1996. I am feeling very sad and lonely at times. I think about her all the time. I miss her terribly. Sometimes it is very hard.

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      Paromita Mukherjee 

      4 days ago

      Dear Justin

      ........ Just like u I have gone through the same kind of pain.My mother was falling sick recurringly in 2017.As she was a cronic COPD patient... every body including her doc thought it was due to her deteriorating lungs condition.But she was diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer.We were so shocked to get the news and in dillema whether we should disclose it to her or not.But she ended all confusions by leaving us within 15 days of her diagnosis of malignancy.

      ....I am grown-up enough (43) and mother of a teenager.(19)....but I am unable to handle my grief ....I cry everyday,I shout every now and then,I sobb. like a baby...I howl like an animal..7 months running since I lost her.Nothing changed.I tried sleeping pill... counselling.. nothing helped.My daughter,who is a Medical student,lives far away from me.I don't even feel like visiting her every month.This me is unknown to myself.....I really don't know what happened to me.

      Please take care and write here...as this is the only place...I can some solace.

    • profile image

      JJ 

      5 days ago

      I’m so sad with such intense emptiness. My mom and I did everything together. Everything reminds me of her. But I am also thankful to have such a great mom. The memories keep me going. I can relate to all of you and please know that you are not alone.

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      Erryynne 

      5 days ago

      Hello All....I’ve read almost all the comments here, but this is my first time commenting. I lost my mom four months ago and there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of her. She was a type 1 diabetic and missed a few shots during the first week of February and I believe that’s what did her in. Once they did the autopsy, it was determined that she had congestive heart failure but I think her super high blood sugar wreaked havoc on her organs. I still don’t believe it’s true, I walk in the house every day praying I’ll hear her voice. We were extremely close. Best buds, like most of you were with your mothers. I’m 36, not young but not very old. Not married, no children. We would always dream about my meeting the right guy and getting engaged and married and soon after, hopefully, a baby. That’s the absolute last thing I want now. It makes me sick to think she won’t be there with me. My dream was for her to live with me and my family and now I can’t even think about it. Why is this so hard? Maybe when I meet the right person, I will feel differently. But the thought of living my life without my mother by my side scares me to death. It’s a shock. I thought she would be here so much longer......my heart is in a million pieces.

    • profile image

      Justin 

      5 days ago

      I know EVERYONES pain. I’m dealing with it now. My mom just at the young age of 63 passed away June 25th from pancreatic cancer. It’s heart wrenching. Times I feel I literally can’t go on. But I know my mom wouldn’t want me like this. I was with her when she passed, I was with her for all the ER trips, and I was with her thru out all of her suffering. It started in Dec a scare of coughing up blood. Then stomach pains happened. ALOT. She was going to the hospital sometimes weekly. They finally did some tests and biopsy. That’s when it was confirmed on may 25th it was stage 4 cancer. They offered chemo but she said no. She didn’t want to prolong it. She knew what was happening. It’s so hard because exactly 1 month after finding out it was cancer she passed. During her last 4 weeks she suffered so severely. It was the hardest thing in the world to watch. Knowing I couldn’t do anything. I cry every single day. I have Horrible anxiety, and depression is deep when it hits me. It comes in waves. I never Know when it’s going to hit. I’m so sad almost all day everyday. I keep going and try remaining strong. But it’s hard. I am a single man, so sometimes I feel weak for having my moments. But then i tell Myself it’s ok. This was my mommy. The woman who gave birth to me, the woman who held my in her body for 9 months. The amazing woman who gave me life. I’m not sure how life will ever be, but I will always think of my mom and remember every amazing memory we shared and try living the best life FOR HER! I’m praying if this is infant grief it gets easier. I’m not a strong person to begin with so this is building me thru out everything to be way stronger then I have Ever could imagine. If anyone ever wants to talk, I’m here to listen. I too Want to talk about it but it’s hard when most friends haven’t gone thru this. I’m starting grief counseling next week and hoping that will be beneficial. I miss My mom so much. Please everyone stay strong. We all have to.

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      deanwilliam 

      6 days ago

      Hi firstly thanks so much for your article i lost my on the 1st of July 2018 she was also suffering from cancer that spread so i can related to that part of the story with you mom im also back at work again because im a male i think people have a expectation that my grieving process should go fast and that everything should be ok but the truth is itss not i try and be strong for everyone around me but when i find a quiet moment i completely break down and cry there are time i can smile and i know shes in pain no more but i guess i will always wish for another laugh another hug another kiss i had the honor of being home during her toughest days and took care of her and she died in my arms i thought i was losing my mind till i read this article because it feels like my grieving isnt getting better i can only hope that i learn to manage the lose better in the coming times but thanks again for sharing your story touched my heart

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      Shaniqua 

      6 days ago

      My mom passed away at 53 unexpectedly on july 3rd 2018. Im engaged and i have a 8 month old daughter. The 3 days i cried and asked why my mom and then you can say ive become a little numb. Ive already been back to work. Most of my coworkers have said nothing to me. The ones who have arent sincere. It all feels pretend. Like a bad joke/nightmare.

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      Deborah Goodman 

      6 days ago

      Thank you for writing this. My mom died Monday and I am inconsolable. I am alone and I needed to read this. And I’ll probably need to read it again tomorrow, too.

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      San 

      6 days ago

      Bonnie thank you for your kind wishes and support, you're a great friend, and if anyone deserves a fantastic holiday, it's you. You will be missed while your away but i hope you have a lovely break from normal routine. Please post when you're back, take care and safe journey xx

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      DanAlabam 

      6 days ago

      This is for Cody,

      I am very sorry, as Bonnie stated and I hope you have good friends and family to help and console and to talk to....the hurt doesn't go away for sometime, not next week or next month.....I was 53 when my mother passed, I was truly blessed to have her most of my life, that was September of 2016, I still miss her terribly as she totally kicked ass, I have a huge hole in my heart. Even in her old age and sickness, my mother was a total pleasure to be around....I knew she would soon pass so I soaked her up as much as I could.....take one day at time and grieve when you feel the urge, do not hold it in.

      Eddie Fox,

      Hip hop is not my cup of tea, but that song killed! Thank you.

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      6 days ago

      To all my friends on this site

      I am due to go on holiday tomorrow for 9 nights and im not sure when i will have Wi-Fi so apologies if i cant check in with anyone for a bit.

      Thank you all for your kind words about my mums birthday .i was really emotional but it helped to know i had good people on side.

      San - i really hope your brothers op in the Blackpool hospital goes well and that god gives him, you and all your family the strength to cope.

      Marissa im glad that this article has helped you in some way.many of us on this site have drew strength others who have been suffering pain of losing our darling mums.

      Cody- oh pet you are so young to cope with such pain .i really hope you have good friends and family to support you. Please dont bottle up the pain.cry it out when you need you as it will be worse in the long run if you dont .

      Take care all x

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      Marisa 

      7 days ago

      I lost my mom. The love of my life this past November. She fought and long hard battle with Parkinson’s disease. We were best friends. Your words are what I’ve been feeling 100%. So, thank you. I watched my mom take her last breath and she saw me take my first. I’ve told that exact same sentence to people many times. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS UNLESS THEY LOST THEIR MOTHER! What you have written has mad me feel less alone. Thank you for that. Knowing that someone else feels the same. My heart is forever broken, the hole will always remain, and I will never be the same without her. Thanks for sharing your story. You helped me more than anyone has.

    • profile image

      Cody 

      7 days ago

      My mom just died in the last hour but idk when because I wasn’t at the house. But idk what to do also I’m just 13 years old. It’s much harder that I thought when i was being told about it I was holding back the tears and my chest was hurting. I'm still crying in bed and trying to relax. I think I’m going to watch Netflix to take my mind off it a little bit.

      Cody

    • profile image

      San 

      7 days ago

      To Bonnie, Paromita and Elmo...your kind and caring words mean a lot. I don't know where I'd be without you. Your the only people i can honestly say who know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling and i you. My brother has been taken to another hospital in Blackpool tonight, it's a specialist cardiac hospital where they are planning to do open heart surgery. Please let it work, i couldn't cope if i lose him aswell. Thanks again to you my friends. I hope you have got through the day as well as can possibly be expected Bonnie i was thinking about you a lot. Big hugs and take care.xxx

    • profile image

      Elma 

      7 days ago

      To Bonnie, San...

      Dear Bonnie,

      I cried when I read your post. I am dreading that day a lot and it is also this month....I am falling apart just thinking about it....I want her back....I am sure your mother hears the song you sing and I am sure they are with us. But it is very hard in this world without them. I am reading a book Angels who keeps coming back, Danielle Steel, Johnny Angel, about a young man who died suddenly in traffic accident but is sent back to earth as an angel. Only his mom and brother can see him thought....I am sending you lots of love....remember- the deeper the love the greater the grief...you loved your mom so much, I am sure you gave her more love then somone else will to her mother in two lifes...

      Dear San, I also cried when I read your post and how you told your brother he can have your heart but it is broken...life is so cruel and it does not have any sense actually, but we need to go on. I hope your brother will heal and be well. We are all thinking of you...

      Lots of love to all of you

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      Paromita Mukherjee 

      7 days ago

      For San

      Dear friend,

      I don't have words to console for your present situation.The only thing I can do is to pray to my mom for the wellness of your brother.So I am doing it.... please don't loose your heart because you have to stand by ur bro.We all are worried and thinking about you.

      Love to you and all.

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      8 days ago

      Dear San

      Oh how I wish I could give you a big cuddle. You will feel like you have hit rock bottom and understandably so .I pray there is some kind of miracle to help your brothers health asap. I wish I could make it all better for You. Thank you also for your kind words.you are always so considerate of others on this site.Take care and know we are all thinking of you and your family xx

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      8 days ago

      Dear Paromita

      Thank you for thinking of me (as always). It's middle of the night here but can't sleep a wink. Just keep thinking about my wonderful mum. yesterday i presumed i would be better today as this is the second birthday without mum.how wrong was I .

      Poor San, just wish there was something we could do or say to lighten her load. She s such a kind and thoughtful person too .feel so much for her having to cope with all that's going on x

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      San 

      8 days ago

      Hi Bonnie, I'm wishing your mum a huge happy birthday, and my thoughts are with you especially today. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I haven't slept yet just cried for my mum. The situation with my brother isn't any better, he's still in coronary care. He text me earlier and said he needs a new heart, and I

      told him he could have mine but it's shattered into tiny pieces.I really need this world to stop so I can get off. I want my mum so badly, I feel like I'm cracking up. It's my mum's birthday as well this month. It's so so hard for us all, what's this hell hole called life all about x

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      Paromita Mukherjee 

      8 days ago

      Bonnie-Scotland...

      Dear Bonnie....I know how you r feeling now. Nothing to say except That our Mom are surely with us.... otherwise how we are going through these days.....Take care please.

      I am worried for San.,dont know how she is managing all these happening in her life. I really wish I could meet you in my life.love

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      8 days ago

      San

      Thinking for you and hoping there has been an improvement for you.take care x

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      8 days ago

      It's after midnight in the UK so it's now officially my mum's birthday. Just sung her happy birthday to her and still expecting to hear her say thanks even after these months down the line.

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      Abbey 

      9 days ago

      I lost my

      Mother in May of 2018 and this articles helped me understand what I’m feeling is totally normal.;) thanks for sharing

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      9 days ago

      Dear Why

      I am so glad that you got through the funeral better than anticipated. A lot of it will be a blur .i felt like that at my mum's and even the days just before and after she passed away. Almost like I had been drinking alcohol and had blocked out memories of part of what happened. I think sometimes it's a self preservation method that your mind automatically shuts some parts down. Just take each day as it comes. Don't do anything rash like clearing out all your mum's clothes etc too soon.just take your time in anything that happens.look after yourself x

    • profile image

      Why 

      9 days ago

      Dear all My mom's funeral is over. It was really hard but I think I got through it better than I imagine although i had been crying through most of it and can't hardly remember what had happened. But just seeing my mom in that casket makes me know she is really gone and not coming back. It still is really hard to cope with that and I still don't know how to go on. France I really understand what u mean when u say dat not thinking about the situation or your mom kinda helps but it does make you feel like you're forgetting your mom and makes you feel like you're mom will be mad at you . Carla I'm really sorry to hear about your loss and I do feel your pain. Each of us here feels it. It's going to be hard but you will have to try and keep strong. San I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This is really alot for you right now but do try and hold on. Thanks to everyone for having me in their thoughts and prayers during my mom's funeral. You guys are really great people. I don't know anyone religious status but I just wanna suggest these to scriptures you can try reading when feeling really weak and low. Psalm 35 and Philippians 4. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. Love u all.

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      San 

      10 days ago

      Bonnie, Paromita, Elmo. Thank you so much for your kind words of support, it means a lot xxx

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      Paromita Mukherjee 

      10 days ago

      San dear..

      I am just shocked to get the news of your bro.like u I have also got a younger brother.We are really on this endless path of pain after losing our beloved Moms.Please pray to your Mom for the wellness of your brother and surely she will response to your prayers.

      We all are with you...with sincere prayers for him. love and support for you always.

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      10 days ago

      Dear San

      I am so sorry to hear of your brothers fight .I will pray that he survives and makes a good recovery, but also to give you and your family strength to cope in this horrible situation.i wish I could say something to help your pain other than I'm sorry ..take care and don't give up hope x

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      Elma 

      10 days ago

      San, so sorry to hear that. How can a person live with all that pain? I hope somehow you will find strenght.

      Sometimes I think how we are all part of each other, so when your loved one dies part of you dies too. And depending on the strength of that love, that part of you is big or small. For me, when my mom passed away, most of me died. Happy, optimistic, always smiling, looking forward to life, cheerful, supportive to others me died. And now it is new me, sad, pesimistic, nervous, angry, even sometimes agressive me....

      San,we will be thinking of you....love

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      San 

      11 days ago

      Where does this help end, it's only seven months on Thursday of last week that I lost my beautiful mum/best friend/my everything, and now my brother is struggling to stay alive on coronary care unit. My anxiety is through the roof this morning, don't now where to turn. Please God help us all

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      11 days ago

      For Carla and Jane

      I am so very sorry for your loss .the only advice I can offer at this time is to deal with one day at a time and not to think about the future because it will be unbearable should you do so at this very early stage .take care

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      Elma 

      11 days ago

      Yes Bonnie, it is like a stub in a heart. Whenever I see my mom’s picture, when I think that I won’t see her again, talk to her, my heart breaks down completely. I never imagined that one could feel such a deep sorrow and still walk around and stay alive. What is this?

      Enzo, you described how I feel. Nothing is easier after four months, it is even harder, more time since I last saw her, spoke to her....I am crying as I write this. I am 43, my mom was 68, I always thought she would be with me for long long time. My terrible grief is additionally magnified by the fact that my mom’s heart condition was completely preventable, completely. And now I have to live with that fact and without my mom for the rest of my life.

      France Calisto, I understand very well what you are saying. I hate advices like ‘don’t think about it’, ‘you have to move on’, etc. I can never not think about my mom and I can never move on. And I don’t want it!

      Paromita, we are the same age, except you have grown up daugther and my twin boys are nine. Your mom at least swa her granchikd grown up...that can give you comfort a little bit maybe...my mom had so many plans for my boys, she enjoyed every moment spent with them. Life is so cruel, so cruel.

      Carla, I am so sorry, but this site helps...we are all in the same hell with no way out. I don’t have any useful advice except try to survive each day, day by day, without thinking about future...

      Love to all

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      Carla 

      11 days ago

      My mom died at 5:30am this morning

      My phone won’t ring anymore :’(

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      Paromita Mukherjee 

      12 days ago

      Dear Enzo

      Your statement is very true that age makes the. real difference.I am 43 and my only daughter lives far away from me.So missing mom rears its head very often.i think just like you....age has made us very helpless because bondage became much stronger than our young days.Moresover I live very near to my parental house.

      Please take care and write here.

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      France Calisto 

      12 days ago

      Dear all,

      You guys are the coolest. Visiting this site somehow makes me feel that I'm not alone. Today, it's been exactly a month since my mother died. Time really flies so fast yet, it feels that she just passed away yesterday. Most of the time, I get these panic attacks and breakdowns. A great friend told me that not thinking about things will make me better. It somehow helps, but the thing is that, not thinking about her or our memories feels like forgetting, and it kills me. I want to get through everyday getting used of the fact that she's gone, but it feels like neglecting her as well. I hope I'm making sense. Everything still doesn't feel right.

      To why, I believe you'll get through the funeral. What's hard is the aftermath. And by that time, please know we're all here to help you the best we can.

      To Mig, just like Elma, I also lost my mom due to cardiac arrest. It was really sudden. I can't find the right words to console you now because it was really hard for me to find comforting statements back then (and until now). But maybe, knowing that you're not alone would help? We'll be here for you, for each other.

      Sending you guys more virtual hugs.

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      Jane 

      12 days ago

      My Mom passed away on June 9( almost 1 month) and I miss her so much

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      Enzo 

      12 days ago

      Elma regarding the dailymail article: I think she was able to experience some respite after 4 months and the grief is lighter because she is still 32 . In my case, me being older than her mother , the first part of the article about sleeping , the breathing and so on, looks a lot the way I was feeling myself, but about experiencing some respite, well for me now, after 7 months, it is no different from the first day, constant torture. It seems this is my new status. Age, I think, makes makes quite a difference .

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      12 days ago

      For Elma

      The first part and last section of that article is like a stab in the heart x

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      Elma 

      13 days ago

      Dear Mig,

      We are all here going through the same hell and understand each other perfectly. For me, almost 4 months without my mom, nothing is easier, I miss her even more every day. She was my world and still is and always will be. I hate when people think that we should get over it, NEVER!! She is part of me, of my soul, what is there to get over with. You say your mother passed away suddenly, was it related to heart? My mom was killed by sudden cardiac arrest and did not get CPR. She had many signs of heart disease that we all simply ignored and did not take seriously. Only now we all have clear picture of what was happening, but unfortunately it is impossible to change anything now.

      Dear Why, we will be thinking about you today..

      To all of you lots of love...

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      Paromita Mukherjee 

      13 days ago

      To All with love

      After one month of my Mom's leaving,I was going to my daughter's place.It is1000 km away and I had to catch the flight.I was crying and my husband was trying to console me.Suddenly I found a car just ahead which was written"SONAI-MA" on its black glass.Can you believe that My mom who brought my daughter up like her own daughter used to call her"SONAI-MA".?

      I just felt that there is something beyond this world and powerful ones try to communicate us in many ways.After that many incidents happened when I sensed her immortal presence in my life.It is like.. those who believe will get peace....those argue still be in dilemma.I chose to believe and my religion allows me to do that.Though I prefer to be realistic rather than religious.

      Love to Bonnie ,San, Elma and Enzo... and many others writing here.

      Why ... today you will get ur strength from your beloved Mom....

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      13 days ago

      Dear Mig

      Of course you can't accept your mum's passing.dont punish yourself.firstly it was sudden.secondly it was only a couple of weeks ago and thirdly it was your mum. We are never ready to lose our mum no matter if we are 90 years old.all this nonsense about people dying old have "had a good innings is nonsense .you never want your mum to leave you. Please don't push yourself to be "Ok" too quickly .it will be worse in the long run.you cannot control your feelings and if you put a face on you could make your self ill. You will learn to adjust but always miss your mum and that special part of you. Read some stories on this forum and understand many people have suffered the same feelings .take care x

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      13 days ago

      Dear all

      There are too many things that happen .too often people who are "doubters" of any afterlife dismiss these instances as nothing but I have heard too many examples over the years. I can be quite a pessimistic person with certain things in life .I suppose when there is a worry I'm a half empty not full person but I really hope and believe that these things are affirmation that are loved ones are ok and trying to let us know . Sending a big hug to you for tomorrow Why x

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      Mig 

      13 days ago

      I just lost my mother 2 weeks ago and one day , it’s been so hard , it was just so sudden that it’s still hard to accept the truth. I’m 37 years old , but I always felt like a little kid because I had her . And now I feel like half of heart is gone and that I will never be the same . I try cheer up because she would never want me to be sad , but I can’t accept her death. I know I have too

    • profile image

      Why 

      13 days ago

      Bonnie, Paromita, Mart-nj, Un-mothered gal, Elma, San. Thank you all so much for your kind words of support. I've never been the kind to open up to anyone and here I am opening up to people I don't know and some how I get a little hope talking to you guys. It feels better talking to others who really knows what I'm going through. I'm really trying to be strong and to make it through the funeral. It's really hard to accept that my mom is gone. Bonnie I think what you are saying dat our parents sends signs for us is true. When my mom died I hadn't been eating. One night I dreamt that my mom was ordering a certain food for me to eat. The next morning I was awaken by stranger who had called my phone by mistake asking to order the same food from me thinking that I was a certain restaurant. I think it was my mom sending me a sign to get me to eat. Thanks everyone I really wish I get through the funeral as you guys say. You all are such good supportive people. I really wish we all find some peace. This is the hardest thing i ever have to go through my whole life again and I just wanna feel better although I can't picture my life without my mom. Thanks again to everyone and I'll keep praying we all learn to be happy again.

    • profile image

      Elma 

      13 days ago

      Dear all,

      I just read your post Bonnie, about SMILE, and it reminded me of my story. One day after my mom passed I was crying really hard and standing with my family in the kitchen. I was falling apart. Every part of my body and soul was in pain. I had to do something so I was putting forks and spoons in order, sobbing at the same time. Suddenly, in my hand, instead of fork I saw smiley, paper little smiley. Why was smiley among forks? How come it was in my hand suddenly? I was shocked and so was my family. We all undestrood it as a sign from my mom. She wanted me to smile. To stop crying. I was comforted immidiately. The strange thing is that my mom’s brother passed away two years ago and washing maschine in his house was on, while we were all in a living room. Suddenly, his daugther came to ask as to go and see washing maschine. When we went there, there was a smiley inside, on the glass window. It was not the same smiley that i found among my mom’s forks, but similiar.

      These things are too strange to be conicidence, I think. Or I hope? For example Bonnie, you looked at that sign on that day for a reason, too much of a coincidence!

      Only these things can comfort me, or hoping for a miracle that would bring my mom back.

      Love to all of you!

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      Dear Why

      I've been thinking about you and the advice everyone is giving you. This may sound like a strange story to tell you but here goes.the day before my mum's funeral, my brother and I were listening to the disc with 2 songs we chose to play for the graveside at the funeral. One of the songs was the song Smile by Nat King Cole.we had picked a version that my neice had sung in a Theatre. I thought the words were very poignant (mum was always smiling even through her illness) but also thought it meant more that mum's grandaughter wad singing it.when listening to the disc my brother and I were sobbing. Within an hour I had to go to hairdressers to get tidied up for funeral .I don't know what made me look up at a house near the hair salon but I did and noticed a large sign in yellow card stuck to the window saying SMILE. Yellow was also mum's favourite colour .it turned out the sign at the window was displayed for months afterwards .this could have been displayed for months previously too but not once had I looked up at this particular house until that day. this all seemed uncanny that an hour before seeing this my brother and I had been listening to this particular song that was to be played at the funeral the next day. In retrospect I like to think that was mum drawing my attention to the sign to let us know she was ok and I believe it was her helping us the next day. Take care .sending you love for tomorrow

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      Paromita Mukherjee 

      2 weeks ago

      Dear Why ...

      On that very day,you will certainly be very calm and quiet.You will be numb and observing all the rituals with silence and peace.Your emotions will seem to be under glacier which will never melt.Missing Mom will be missing then ,perhaps you will start thinking how everyone is right in saying Time is the best healer and Time is the best killer.

      But after few days you will realize that nothing gone ....the pain of loosing ur beloved mother will rear it's ugly heads and will attack you emotionally frequently......that is really fearful .

      Just think that you Mom is ur strength and she is with u in another form...definitely she is with you.You will get to know gradually.

      Love and take care.

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      mart-n.j. 

      2 weeks ago

      Hi Why, The funeral will be a very tough high hurdle to jump over. Your survival instinct will kick in and you'll see how resilient of a person you are. You mentioned that you feel/ felt that liked an empty shell just living a life of torture. There isn't any way to soften the blow on that except it seems to be a rite of passage. As far as if you'll be happy again.. of course you will. As you read Vicki's article toward the tail end, you'll see why. Hang in there!

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      Un_mothered gal 

      2 weeks ago

      Dear Why,

      I had the same fear..didn't know how on earth I would bury my mum. But as the rest tell you. .you will experience some abnormal calmness. ..I buried my mum so peacefully. .to my shock. Looking back I was numb. .it was like a movie.

      You will marvel at the peace that you will have. Be strong. ..it shall be well.

      Bonnie and clique. .thanks for encouraging people. Love you all.

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      Elma 

      2 weeks ago

      For Why

      Dear Why,

      We all here understand you completely. It is impossible to describe this devastating feeling. I am schoked at how little is spoken about grief in every day life. But Bonnie and Sun are right, you will be probably surprised at how calm you will be on the day of your mother’s funeral. I was very surprised at how suddenly calm I was during that day. I told my dad that it was mom comforting me somehow, giving me strenght. That was the only explanation. I am sure my mom is in spirit world but she stays with me and my dad. If she has the option, she is with us all the time. Let us know how it goes and be strong.

      Love

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      San 

      2 weeks ago

      Why ... I am not going to lie to you, your mum's funeral will be one of the hardest things in your life that you will have to go through, but it's as if something takes over you to get you through the day. I know I sound really stupid, but I felt as if my mum was with me and helping me, I hope you can find some comfort like that, your lovely mum will be with you to guide you through, just take the day minute by minute. Your mum will be so proud of you, and we will all be with you in thought. Take care and love to everyone on this site xx

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      Dear Why

      I am so very sorry to hear of your mum's passing. The days that will have followed will probably feel like a blur.on reading your post i can see how agonising this is for you. Almost unbearable. If you read through the posts on this forum, you will see many of us have experienced similar feelings as you.despair and the fact you just want to be with your mum now whatever the cost. You will however probably get through funeral better than you anticipate .automatic pilot so to speak . When my mum was here she used to say to me that she needed to know I would be ok when she left me. I couldn't handle talking to her about that, for that i am now ashamed. For the last few years of mum's life however i used to imagine her funeral ,sit and cry when i was by myself, even though mum was still alive. When the worst happened we were arranging the prayer/ readings etc for the funeral and I decided to I do a short (very short) one .never in my wildest dreams before could I have imagined myself able to do that .I just took a deep breath paused then read those few short lines. Now I am so glad I did it for my beloved mum. The point i am trying to make is that you will find the strength to get through the funeral .it will be horrific but you will get through it .you probably won't do without breaking down at points, that is expected, but always remember your mum will be there in spirit, right there with you. Take care and thinking of you .

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      Elma 

      2 weeks ago

      For Paromita,

      I meant to wirte to you in my post below, that was why i wrote Bonnie and Paromita, but somehow it got deleted when I pressed post comment.

      I wanted to tell you that I really liked your comment to Bonnie, and I would say the same word by word.

      I long so badly for my mom and I don’t want to continue withour her. ‘Why’ screams in my head all the time. And as you say whatever happens now- good or bad it hurts me because I can not share it with the most important person in my life, my mom. I cry a lot. Actually I find that days when I don’t cry are the worst, the most difficult.

      The worst, worst feeling is the finality. If there was even 0,0000001 percent chance to change anything this would be completely different....

      I know we have to be strong, but for me, considering the circumstances, I am very strong by just being alive.

      Lots of love

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      Paromita Mukherjee 

      2 weeks ago

      For Elma

      When you write..you every now and then....I can relate myself to you as I cry for Mom very frequently.When I get depressed...I cry for Mom because I don't have anyone to share the causes of depression. I cry for Mom when I get any good news like my daughter who is a medical student stood first in her class....I cry ,shout and howl in anger.Why couldn't I get one more chance to talk to her? Why was I unable to sense her severe illness?Why was she suffering so much? Why in her ventilation days...she could not even bid me bye.....

      I am stuck to these why ...why...why...no answer yet .And situation is getting worsened day by day.Family..husband ..all are immaterial now.... Just want her back in my life.Take care.

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      Why 

      2 weeks ago

      My mom's funeral is Friday. I don't know how to get through it. What hurts me alot is my mom is a very strong woman who been through alot in her life and now when the time had reach for her to relax n finally be happy and enjoy her had work, life dealth her this bad hand. I was really close to my mom so I don't know how to get through her funeral. I feel like an empty shell just living a life of torture. I don't know how to be or if I will ever be happy again. This pain is just too much for me to endure. Just too much. Some times I stay up at night crying and just asking God to take me too. I just can't go on anymore.

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      marty-nj 

      2 weeks ago

      To Mark-N.Y. Thank you for your kind words. You were robbed of your once in a lifetime event that can never be duplicated. Stolen of saying goodbye to your mom!!! I hope your sister and brother in law get what's coming. Somehow justice will be served, one way or another. If you need anything, I'm a click away. Hope you're faring well.

      To Un_Mothered Gal; As far as censoring my communication, I will try, no promises, to minimize to nil.

      General public. My mom's passing gave a sobering effect on me to what the world is like. Not a perfect one and doesn't have utopian guidelines. I didn't realise how much she kept me safe and secure till after the funeral. Being the only child, felt deserted. I still do in some manner. When grief rears it's head, it just amplifies it.

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      Dear Unmothered Gal

      Hi just wanted to say that was really thoughtful and brave of you to post that comment, especially since as you said you don't post often. It's nice to see that people look at the site and support others when they think individuals have offended or went a step too far. Restores faith in humanity when people pull together.take care

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      Hi Elma

      I read your last post there and genuinely felt a pain in my heart for you . Please don't think you took your mum for granted. By the sounds of it I reckon your mum thrived on being such an important part of your family. I bet she wouldn't have felt so loved had she not been included so much. She probably felt blessed.

      I considered my mum a second mum to my kids .She was the only person (other than my husband and I) that i could bare scolding my children because she would do it in such a way that would discipline them without upsetting them.sometimes I think she was the only person that totally got through to them .she loved them so much but she was also the funny gran that they had a laugh with . She used to say that her body let her down in that she couldn't do more physically with me kids. God how wrong she was .She filled such a crucial gap in not only my kids lives but also everyone in the families lives.her love was so deep and her character so strong.

      You may think you took her for granted but i didn't get to fully enjoy my mum in later years for the fear(terror actually) of losing her.the sad thing was that she said the exact same statement about her and my gran .basically we all have regrets Elma so try not to beat yourself up. We are human even if our wonder mum's were Superhuman xx

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      Elma 

      2 weeks ago

      For Bonnie and Paromita,

      Dear Bonnie, I will have to order that book for my kids. My mom was like mother to them. I work a lot and travel a lot so she was always with them besides nanny. They adore her and as you know how moms are she adored them. My mom was a teacher for forty years, excellent teacher, so she was really looking forward to helping out my twins in their school tasks. Only recently she was telling me that they will soon be entering puberty and that we need to make sure we take the right steps. She had soooo many plans for them. And for me all of that was normal and I wa taking it for granted, only now I realize how fortunate we were and what a luxury it was to have my mom. My heart is tearing apart. Thank you for being here, for being part of this site, I am proud if I am considered part of Bonnie’s clique.

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      For Paromita

      Well dear Paromita I think the heat has finally made me lose the plot (so unexpected this fab weather in Scotland but I'm NOT/NEVER going to complain about that) .what I meant was that I usually prefer having a few close friends that aren't all connected rather than a group of pals that are all close buddies.think I'm just more comfortable with people and it's easier to connect with people that way x

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      For Elma

      Elma I've been thinking about what you said about your little boy assuming your mum is coming back. I bought a childrens book from Amazon called "Why Grandmas go to heaven " and let my kids have that .Something like that might help him. As for the second part of your summer leave is there maybe a project/hobby that your mum was involved in (or always meant to get involved in) that you could do with the kids when you are off? It might be a way of honouring your mum and the kids might enjoy it? X

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      For Paromita

      Thank you for your message .that meant a lot .you actually gave me a wee chuckle reading that. The ironic thing being that I am (personally) actually rather adverse to cliques .never been my thing .if the truth is known , albeit people usually described me as friendly, I've always preferred to have a few very good friends than countless acquaintances, so the description could not be further from the truth. Yes better not to react to silliness and nasty remarks but to concentrate ones energies on things that really matter x

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      Paromita Mukherjee 

      2 weeks ago

      For Bonnie-Scotland and San

      You have taken very right decisions by ignoring adverse comments.....and not reacting to them . Very wise decision..I must appreciate.You people are too good ...and I would always love to be addressed as Bonnie"s clique..... Remembering our sweet mom's.

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      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      For Crystal

      I am so very sorry for your loss. Your poor heart is grieving whilst your brain is still in shock if that makes sense.no one can make you "better" only time will help you adjust I think .my mum passed away 14 months ago and yet o can still sit wide awake and question is it all real?. I think when you know your mum would never have left you makes it all the harder to reconcile that she is actually gone . Give yourself as much time as you need. Some days you will want to stay busy others you just want stay indoors. It will vary.people will mean well telling you what to do but only you will know what you can cope with .I hope in time you will look back and consider that your mum passing away quickly after diagnosis was a blessing for her.understandably thats a long way off though. Take care

    • profile image

      Un_mothered gal 

      2 weeks ago

      Hi all. ..

      I lost my mum in Feb and found this forum to be very helpful. I don't write a lot but read people's experiences and comments. This forum offers the much needed support for any anyone who has lost a mum no matter their nationalities.

      I was shocked to read some comments from Mark NY and Martin. Kindly stop posting mean stuff. Please stop. You are a spoiling this God sent forum. This is a humble request. Thanks.

      For those who encourage others..keep doing it. I benefitted so much and would wish to see other people benefit especially those who have just lost their mums.

    • profile image

      Elma 

      2 weeks ago

      Dear Crystal,

      It is good you found this site, we are all in the same hell. I am schocked though that people expect you to feel better after 4 weeks!! Don’t let anyone tell you that! At four weeks it is still a blurr a fog a shock....at least that is how it was for me, but as you know, there should not be any time limit on these things. Beleive me, reading about grief saved me because sometimes you are surrounded by people who mean well but are cluless and their advices are bad actually. Once I had a cousin who told me that it is not good to cry! Imagine that!! Crying heals and don’t let anyone tell you that it is not good. I had to isolate myself from these well intentioned people for the time being.

      Love to all

    • profile image

      Elma 

      2 weeks ago

      For Bonnie,

      Dear Bonnie,

      Sunday was equally bad, I don’t see it getting any better soon. Also, I am taking my annual leave (two weeks). One week I will spend travelling, but the second week I will stay home, I am dreading that week a lot. Usually my mom and I would be together with my kids and we would really enjoy. No joy anymore. Just constant pain and sadness. Collegue of mine just told me that she has a friend who is 74 years old and she still has her mom alive. That is your whole life with your mom!!!! I must admit that I am very jelaous and that was an unknown feeling for me when my mom was in this dimension. Believe me, the only comfort for me is when I think that some miracle will happen and that she will come back. And that is what my son keeps telling me, he says ‘granny will be back in four years’. And when I say ‘I wish it was true’, he gets angry and says ‘don’t wish, because that will happen, you will see’.

      I hope you are doing better. I realized that I must not have free time and think, I need to be busy always. Sending you lots of love!

    • profile image

      marty-nj 

      2 weeks ago

      Dear Crystal, Please Accept my deepest sympathy on very recent loss. I know exactly how your feeling and what your going through. My mom, a year ago went just as quick as your mom. Even though a different type of cancer took my mom, the shock remains the same. There will be a lot to process at this point. Vicki's article is very good and quite helpful. I to this day reread it. If you feel very overwhelmed, that's ok, it's expected. Too much, too soon, how could you feel otherwise? I exactly know what it means to feel like an orphan and in time that hollow feeling will dissipate. Don't listen to the people that think you should be better by now. That's ridiculous and highly insensitive. Again, please accept my sorrow on losing your mom. You will know quickly on how much your not alone in this plight called grief.

    • profile image

      Mark new York 

      2 weeks ago

      To San....thank you for referring me to a psychiatrist......you sound like someone who has visited many.....obviously it hasn't worked for you.....if I need advice on my situation it sure wouldn't be from a shrink who don't know jesus like you.....so mind your own business I'm not interested in your thoughts

    • profile image

      Crystal 

      2 weeks ago

      Thank you so much for writing this. It gives me great comfort to read that I’m not the only one going crazy over here. Most people seem to think I should be “better” by now but I’m just NOT. I lost my mom to Cancer almost 4 weeks ago. She was diagnosed with Metastatic Colon cancer and died 3 weeks later. I still haven’t even wrapped my brain around the fact that my mom was diagnosed with cancer, let alone trying to accept that she’s gone. Reading this gives me hope that I’m not abnormal and that I just have to let myself deal with this in my own terms. My mom was my only family and I’m really struggling with feeling like I’m an abandoned orphan who’s all alone.

    • profile image

      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      Hi Elma

      Been thinking about you a lot today and hoping today been a bit of an easier one for you .I hope in time the dreams are more of a comfort than an upset to you . I know what you mean that some people's relationships with their mums are stronger than others so everyone gets over such a loss in their own way . As well as losing my mum and best pal I feel I have lost the strong female link in my family too and at times it's lonely on that front xx

    • profile image

      Marty-N.J. 

      2 weeks ago

      To San - thank you for acknowledging my input. There isn't any right- wrong way how to cope with grieve. I'm very happy to hear that this site is a excellent outlet for you.

      To MarkNY, wherever you are... please don't let a few uniciteful few ward you off. You've been dealt a bad hand. While most would of had a beautiful ceremony to say goodbye to mom. YOU didn't have that opportunity. Plus the rest of the situation just put you further in rears. I hope since last that you were here things did go in a more positive direction. Understand that someone here has your back...feel free to talk back here.

    • profile image

      Elma 

      2 weeks ago

      For Hari, San, Paromita, Bonnie,

      Dear Hari, so sorry to hear about very difficult situation you live in. I was always very emotional and I’ve always felt other people’s feelings, but since my mom passed away, it became even stronger. Life is so cruel and unfair. But we are here for you, it does help a little bit to be among people who understand, actually it helps a lot. As I said we are here for each other.

      Dear San, thanks for sharing your son’s accomplishment with us. I started crying when I read your post....now I cry whatever happens good or bad-I cry. But everybody says ‘be strong for your kids’. They do not understand that, considering how close my mom and I were, I am showing enormous strenght just by being alive.

      Dear Bonnie and Paromita, I completely agree and sign word by word whatever you said in regard to some strange comments on this site. This site’s purpose was completely missed in some of the comments. But we are getting back on track.

      Sending you all lots of love!!

    • profile image

      San 

      2 weeks ago

      Hi Marty-nj.... what you said about grief not being a competition is so true, everybody grieves in a way that is so unique to them. That is why I'm so glad I found this site, as I've received endless love ,light and support from you all in the darkest time of my life, so for that I thank each and every one of you. Bless you all xx

    • profile image

      Paromita Mukherjee 

      2 weeks ago

      For San

      It sounds really good that your son has done such a wonderful job.Congrats to our little champ.My mom ran four educational institutions...one of which is for children with learning difficulties.These children are very very intelligent and laborious and all of them are very good in painting and other visual arts.San,you shared this achievement of your son with us.... don't you think our pain of losing our Moms has created this deep bondage ?

      Thinking of you and your son and your beautiful Mom.Pl take care.

    • profile image

      marty-n.j. 

      2 weeks ago

      To Bonnie and her Clique,

      Since you didn't reply to my message of making amends, I take it your ignoring me. I would like to address the nasty remark towards Hari, in one of his message to me, he wasn't exactly charming. Provoked me in a way that made me go past my boiling point quickly. Hence, the nasty remark. Was it the best way I could of handled that, obviously you know the answer. Hari, himself apologised to me. and in my response, "I hope no hard feelings" I don't normally use any fowl language. It was out of character to me. Chalk it up as I had a rare moment. thank you for allowing me to clarify that.

      now for the notorious Mark NY....You may or may not know that NY NJ is close proximity... before you exiled him, I could of help him in a tangible,

      not virtual, manner. the plot thickens.

      Since you seem to be self appointed moderator, I was under the strongest impression that it was for people losing mothers. Hate to be a stickler here, but not families. I'm not trying to be mean, but it is what it is.

      so in closing, I hope you have a blessed day.

    • profile image

      marty-nj 

      2 weeks ago

      To San...Fantastic what your son did!! And for Hospice.. I can't say enough about Hospice. They helped me through a tough time with my mom's exiting this life. WOW! Four miles, that is great!! I couldn't walk even one. Hospice is a very special brand of people that is caring, patient and understanding without measures. I'm sure you proud of your son of what he accomplished.

    • profile image

      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      For San

      Oh San what a proud mummy you must be .what a wonderful boy your lad sounds to do that for others and so young .despite any learning difficulties I'm sure nothing will hold him back in life .Your kind comments have brought a wee tear to my eye but im glad to say its a happy tear at you being so thoughtful and such a poignant moment .on the other hand however I totally feel what you are saying. When you feel for someone that is in the process of losing a loved one, you feel even worse for them than you would have done before, because you know the heartache in store for them .x

    • profile image

      San 

      2 weeks ago

      My son who has learning difficulties has just completed his first charity walk for the local hospice. It was four miles and my husband walked with him. I couldn't do the walk as i have arthritic hips, so I waited for them at the hospice. I just wanted you all to know that you and your mum's were in my thoughts while I waited, I did shed a few tears as I was thinking about the poor people and their families and what they're going through and what is yet to face them, we know only to well the intense pain they have coming their way. Hugs to you all xx

    • profile image

      Marty-N.J. 

      2 weeks ago

      Grieve isn't a competition. Shouldn't be compared.

    • profile image

      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      For Hari

      I've read how you lost all your family and Im just lost for words what to say to you .i really am .You haven't just lost your family, you have lost your world by the sounds of it .I am so so very sorry. I have my religion and do believe in God but to hear the most tragic of circumstances like yours makes you doubt.i know that it is no real comfort to you but please read over the posts I wrote about the afterlife and know that you will be reunited some day .just remember your beloved wife and all your loved ones would want you to live life . Easy to say I know. As time goes on I hope the places you visit and things you did with your family give you comfort and happy memories rather than painful ones .I really hope that you have some close family whether it be a brother/sister/close cousin that can help comfort and suppprt .please please use this site and know we can listen and support you in any way we can

    • profile image

      Bonnie Scotland 

      2 weeks ago

      Dear Paromita

      You couldn't have put it better .It is bizarre that in the space of a few days such bad feeling, rage and nastiness has erupted. If someone has spouted nasty comments or dismissed the hurt of others they are unlikely to get much support either on this forum or in their everyday lives. If you push people away then that is sadly to be expected . I honestly think the best way forward is to take the moral high ground and ignore any comments that are made to incite a negative reaction. Best to just concentrate on what the forum is really about. Take care all x

    • profile image

      Marty-N.J. 

      2 weeks ago

      Allow yourself to have bad days...was one of heading in the article. Whether I allow it or not it still consumes me. Without any warning. The tough day(s) just linger. No getting around it. I'm in my own twilight zone repeat, over and over....

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