I Hate My Dad — Trouble at Home

Updated on December 12, 2017
LongTimeMother profile image

With her children's ages spanning 22 years, LongTimeMother has 40 years experience in parenting - including home schooling and foster care.

Why Would I Hate My Dad?

Irrespective of their age, a child or adult who associates hate with their father has a real problem. Whether that problem is abuse, abandonment, or some other issue, the child who hates their father deserves to be heard.

The ideal emotions associated with fathers include love and respect. When a child says 'I hate my dad', something is definitely wrong.

Over the past 30 years I have heard a lot of children explain why they hate their fathers. Here's some of the main reasons, and a few thoughts that might help.


Kids need support when there is trouble at home.
Kids need support when there is trouble at home. | Source

Physical, Mental, and/or Emotional Abuse

Some dads abuse their children. No wonder their kids hate them.

I find it hard to imagine that any woman would deliberately choose to have a child with a man who would subject any member of his family to physical, mental, or emotional abuse ... but you just have to look at the statistics to see how common abusive relationships are.

When a child says 'I hate my dad', it is important to establish if the child is a victim of abuse.

Instead of simply assuming that the seemingly pleasant man we meet in the street or see at work or at church is a good father, we owe it to every child to give them the chance to tell us what their father is really like.

Many children are victims of abuse. Because they do not have the power, knowledge or ability to resolve an abusive relationship, they require intervention to help resolve the conflict.

If you become aware of a child subjected to abuse, or have reason to suspect a child is a victim in their own home, please arrange for intervention.


Kids Hate Violent Fathers

When a child is abused, an adult should intervene. It might have to be you.
When a child is abused, an adult should intervene. It might have to be you. | Source

I Hate My Dad. He Makes My Mother Cry.

When children see their mother crying, they hate whoever or whatever causes her grief.

You'll hear a child whose mother has cancer say, 'I hate cancer'. After watching their mother's repeated frustration with an unreliable car, a child will commonly say, 'I hate our car'.

Similarly, a child who witnesses their mother's distress during arguments or issues associated with their father is likely to announce, 'I hate my dad.'

Staying together for the sake of the children is often a mistake. If both parents cannot be happy, pleasant or at the very least polite and civil to each other, the emotional outbursts in the child's home are likely to generate emotional responses in the child.

One of those emotions will probably be hate.


A father expressing frustration can be frightening for a child.
A father expressing frustration can be frightening for a child. | Source

I Hate My Dad. He's A Control Freak

Many fathers are genuinely surprised to discover their child hates them.

They worked hard to pay the bills and buy the essentials and provide gifts and afford tuition and yet, after all their effort and willing contributions, their child as a teenager or young adult announces, "I hate you!"

If you deny your son or daughter the space and freedom to explore and experience and exercise their own individuality in their early years, be prepared for trouble as they mature. Nobody likes a control freak.

Every individual needs a certain amount of space for personal growth. If you try to control every aspect of life, there's no room for a child to develop and discover who they are and what they are capable of.

Sooner or later, they will demand the freedom to be themselves. If they resent the restrictions you placed on them year after year, refusing to allow them to make their own decisions, pursue their interests, and have the power to reject the sports or school subjects they had no interest in but you insisted they pursue, don't be surprised if they hate you.


Constant Criticism vs Supportive Advice

If your child can't meet your expectations, you are destined for a failed relationship. Don't confuse constant criticism with supportive advice.

It should be mandatory for parents to regularly tell their children "Well done", "Good job", and "I'm proud of you!"

Every parent needs to learn to bite their tongue and resist the urge to always add "but ..."

Over the past 30 years I have attempted many times to explain to friends of my children that their father doesn't mean to be critical. On every occasion I have had no option but to agree that the many examples they offer of 'fatherly advice' appear more critical than supportive.

I always point out that it seems inappropriate to hate a father who is trying to do his best, and that there are many other fathers who are more guilty of bad parenting. However I can't rewrite history and these kids have had many years of believing they hate their dads.


Keep Your Child In The Picture

Parents might divorce each other, but they should never divorce their children.
Parents might divorce each other, but they should never divorce their children. | Source

Abandonment

When parents divorce, there is no excuse for a child to feel abandoned. If you were actively involved in the child's conception, you have a responsibility to show an active interest in the child's development.

Fathers who are guilty of ignoring their children generally pay the price when the child grows older. Instead of having the company and support of their adult child in later years, it is dad's turn to be ignored.

Mothers who stand in the way of a child having a healthy relationship with their dad simply because the adults have argued and are hurting, are equally guilty of causing abandonment issues for the child.

Children need to feel loved and valued. I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give a child is to speak highly of their father - even if it is difficult to think of nice things to say.

"I'll bet your dad would be proud of you if he could see you today," is a wonderful gesture to a young child whose father lives far away. By hearing reference to their dad in positive conversations during their early years, a child can grow up feeling as though their father is interested in them even if they are not present or actively involved.

Of course a phone call from dad or the chance to phone him after special events is even more helpful. When parents divorce each other, they shouldn't 'divorce' their child.


Making The Child Feel Guilty

A child discovers their father is having an affair. This is a surprisingly common problem for teenagers. Do they tell their mother?

  • They feel guilty if they don't tell her. Mom's doting on dad and clearly loves him, but he's cheating on her. She's keeping his dinner warm and making things nice for when he gets home, but all the while the child knows he is with another woman.
  • They feel guilty if they do tell her because all the tears and heartache somehow seems to be their fault.
  • Or they feel guilty because they didn't tell her when dad eventually leaves her years later, wishing they'd given her a chance to find a new partner when she was still young.

Either way, a child who suffers the pressure of keeping a secret about their father's affair - or the trauma associated with revealing such a secret - is likely to end up hating their dad.


Don't Shut The Child Down

My first response to anyone who says “I hate my dad” is to ask the question, “Why?”

It is wrong for us to assume that we know more about the situation than the speaker. Too often, a child who claims to hate their father is silenced quickly without anyone bothering to ask why.

Generally someone interjects with “No, you don't.”

Often it is the child's mother, trying to smooth ruffled feathers and prevent further conflict.

What Message Are You Sending Your Child?

Every child hopes for active involvement from their dad. Disappoint them often enough and they are likely to give up on the dream. He hates me. I hate him.
Every child hopes for active involvement from their dad. Disappoint them often enough and they are likely to give up on the dream. He hates me. I hate him. | Source

Bad Dad Compared To Other Fathers

Any father can give the impression they don't love or care about their child when:

  • other dads attend sporting events to watch their children play but you don't
  • other dads spend time going fishing or playing ball with their kids but you don't
  • other dads talk and laugh with their children but you don't
  • other dads tell their kids they love them but you don't
  • other dads seem like 'real' dads ... but you don't.

If you don't express your love for your child both verbally and demonstrably, don't be surprised if they don't express love for you either.

If your child thinks, rightly or wrongly, that you hate them, there is every possibility they will mirror that emotion and hate you right back.


If you hate your dad ...

What is the main reason you hate your dad (or simply don't love him as you feel you should)?

See results

The Best Hope (Perhaps The Only Hope) A Hated Dad Has To Redeem Himself

Cross your fingers and hope that your child grows into an adult who can see and respect your efforts to do the right thing. If your child hates you now but you honestly believe you don't deserve it, keep trying to reach out. One day they'll have a lot of questions, and you'll want to have the right answers.

  • If you are getting a divorce, address the specific ways you want to be involved with your child as part of the divorce settlement - and stick to the agreement.
  • If you're having an affair, admit it to your wife. Then tell your child you are to blame and they have no reason to feel as though the divorce was their fault.
  • Send birthday cards and gifts even if you know your ex-wife won't pass them on. When they are older you'll want to be able to look your child in the eye and say, 'I sent you a card and a present every year. I'm sorry if your mother didn't give them to you.'

Let your grown child decide how they feel about you once they have the facts. But until then, don't blame them if they don't know what's really going on. You can't blame a child if they hate you. You have to earn their respect, and deserve their love.


I Hate My Dad. And It's Mom's Fault.

If you are the mother of a child who rarely sees their dad, make every effort to keep dad alive and well in your child's heart. Their self-esteem can be directly linked to how they believe their dad views them, and a teenager with low self-esteem is more likely to get into trouble.

When negotiating a divorce settlement, insist their father send birthday and Christmas cards every year. Also make sure they agree to accept any phone calls from your child and to always be loving and supportive.

Perhaps the most difficult issue to address is the knowledge that a child's father was violent - irrespective of the circumstances. Somehow the child must be helped to know any trouble was not their fault. Their dad, after all, was the grown up. He should have been able to control himself and make better decisions to protect their relationship.

Encourage your friends and family to resist the urge to speak badly about the child's father in front of them. Of course it is important to answer their questions honestly, but don't be brutal when dealing with a child's feelings.

Be gentle and thoughtful in your response to a child who genuinely hates their father with good reason.

Sometimes you might just have to admit, 'It's okay to hate your dad. I'm sorry he wasn't a better dad to you, because you deserved the best!'

If Dad Doesn't Know When To Stop.

If a child is repeatedly treated badly by their father and their mother never intervenes or takes action to put an end to their misery, the mother should understand why she is hated too.
If a child is repeatedly treated badly by their father and their mother never intervenes or takes action to put an end to their misery, the mother should understand why she is hated too. | Source

How To Be A Better Dad

If you want to be a better dad to your kids than you've been before, identify where you have been going wrong and take steps to change it.

One of the most obvious areas for improvement with many fathers is the amount of quality time you spend with your child. First you have to get your head around what quality time actually means.

Kids who hate their dads may have had a father who spent a great deal of time at home - but how much time did he actually spend paying attention to the child? Watching the television or entertaining your adult friends doesn't count just because your child was in the room.

Fathers who have to force themselves to set specific times aside when their child becomes the center of their universe (instead of genuinely being pleased their son or daughter wants to spend time with them) ask, "How do you do that?"

It is not so difficult - particularly if you have the right attitude. The hardest part might be turning your phone off, but phone calls are interruptions, and should be avoided.

  • Read a book aloud - from beginning to end.
  • Play a board game - until there is a winner.
  • Play outdoors - until a pre-designated time.
  • Set a task - and complete it together.
  • Have fun together - until their favourite tv show begins.
  • Go fishing - until it is time to go home for lunch.
  • Play 'paper, rock, scissors' until the school bus arrives.
  • Dance like crazy people - until it is time for you to go to work ... and then dance out the door and out to the car. Kids love stuff like that.

The most important element of any of these suggestions is the natural completion point. Have you ever noticed how many fathers spend too much time trying to bring activities to an end? Then, because it is such a hassle, they don't bother starting another activity in the future.

If you are a father who has disappointed your children too many times for them to even bother asking or expecting you to spend time with them, you are in serious trouble. Before you know it, your sons and daughters will be fully grown and they will probably leave you out of their lives, just as you are ignoring them now.

Reach out to your children and make a serious effort to be a better dad.

  • Suggest a game or activity (with a natural completion point) and make sure you both enjoy the experience.
  • Get to know each other.
  • Ask each child about their friends, school and sporting activities.
  • Tell them about your childhood, share jokes and fun stories.
  • Smile. Laugh. Play.
  • And don't forget to listen.


You should know the names of each child's best friends, what sports they play, which days they play them, the teachers and subjects they like most at school, any problems they have, and any challenges they face.

A good dad knows all about their kids lives, and gets involved in them.

If you haven't attended at least a few games each sport season, arrived early enough to watch your kids in their dance or karate class, and offered to take each child and a friend for a movie or a meal a few times in the past year, you'd better start doing those things now.


When Children Become Adults

I believe it is important to remind every child that the time will come when they can leave home and live without the fear of what mood their father will be in when he comes home at night.

Anyone who is able to endure their childhood years will have a chance at making a fresh start and deciding just where their father will fit in their future lives. Kids grow up.

If you want your kids to love you, not hate you, you need to make the kind of memories they'll remember fondly as they look back on their childhood. Spend time with your kids and enjoy each other's company.

Unless, of course, you know you can't be trusted near your children and they have good reason to hate you. In which case ... stay away.


© 2013 LongTimeMother

Please share your thoughts ...

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 52 minutes ago from Australia

      Bri, I suggest you talk with your mom again. If she won’t consider taking you away to safety, do you have grandparents you can talk to? Might you be able to stay with them for a while

    • profile image

      Somebody 9 hours ago

      I hate my dad because my who life I've lived with him without my mother and all he did was let his girlfriend's abuse me and then when the one died all he could do was drink , it's been 9 years since the and all he does is drink and he brings home these retarted lady's and he drinks and tells all my friends parents and all the people he meats that I use all his money but he uses it and he disrespects me so much and there's times where all I want to do is die but I don't because I love more people and I sometimes sit in my room and wish maybe something in his stupid brain can hit him and he should realise he's messing up my life and sometimes even that he dies because it's not like he's ever been there for me. And I feel like a mother to him , he acts like 15 year old boy who's balls just dropped and I'm only 17 and I've had to grow up myself with no adult in my life and I've just had so much I wish he would leave. I hate him more then my words can describe

    • profile image

      just a girl 28 hours ago

      my dad is so judgemental and mean and when hes mad im so scared of him because he pushes me and grabs my hand and drags me around to wherever he wants to be to make his point. and he only cares about grades and how he thinksz im not a good enough daughter because i dont spend as much time with my family as he wants. he is always saying bad words and teasing me and making fun of me and he knows i hate bad words.

      but fine ill say one

      FUCK YOU DAD

    • profile image

      Anonymous 2 days ago

      I'm going to start off by saying that I do hate my dad, at my 16 years of age and I have my reasons to do so. My very first memory, I was probably 3 years-old, is of my father, who is holding me, dragging my mother out of the house due to an argument that HE started. Through my younger years, I always believed that the issues in my family were normal, that all dads are the same, but now I see that that is not the case. The violence in my family, on part of my father, had gotten to the point where my mom had bought us three (me, my, at the time, 1 and a half-year-old sister, and herself) plane tickets to run away from my father. I don't understand the effort behind it, whatsoever, because it ended in a reconcile. I have heard from other relatives, who are not so close to us, that my father is the best and there is never a word against him because he is such an amazing father and husband. But our family and those relatives who are very close to us know that my dad isn't as what he seems. (Let me just clear it out and say that he isn't an alcoholic or an addict.) My dad has some serious temper problems. Any little thing can set him off. If I am truthful, my insecurities, depression, and anxiety are because of my father. He does not like to be contradicted because if he is, he will insult whoever dares to do so and even if he is in the wrong, he will put the other down until they surrender giving him the win. Out of many words that my father has told me, including affectionate ones, the only engraved in my mind are of him telling me that I have ruined everything and that I am worthless. I have three younger sisters, (ages of 10, 8, and 2) and I have always tried to be a role model for them because I want them to succeed but my dad takes it further than that. I have never been a troubled kid, I have only "A"s and "B"s on my transcript but they still do not meet my dad's expectations, he wants better. Whenever he sees my report card and, let's say, there's an 89% grade on there, his first words aren't going to be "Congrats", they're going to be, "Why isn't it at least a 90%?". He tells me, sometimes, that he's only kidding, that he's proud, but honestly, those words stick with me and I believe that I'm not good enough and I pressure myself into doing better. In his perspective, any little "wrong" thing that I do is something SO TERRIBLE that my sisters are going to follow me on, in his eyes, I have to be perfect. He's always strict like this with my sisters and pressures them too much, even the 8-year-old. He always gets mad at us for any little thing, even something that is an accident. There was one time where my sisters were playing ball in the house and knocked over and broke a figurine. My mom said it was okay but my dad got hysterical and screamed at them that they're irresponsible. My mom defended my sisters and my dad got very mad saying that he gets madder whenever she defends us because it's none of her business. He always does that, he gets mad when my mom defends us and puts him in the wrong. He's controlling, everything and anything has to be approved by him and has to be in his liking or else he doesn't accept it. He also tries to blame others for things that he caused or that he had something to do with him, he guilts people. About 2 months ago, him, my mom, my now 2-year-old sister, and I were in the kitchen where my mom was washing dishes and my dad was putting on his jacket so he can leave for work. My sister had climbed onto a chair, my dad was right next to her, and I was about to grab her but my dad asked me to take something outside. I was doing so and my sister fell off the chair. Instead of assisting my sister, he started to blame my mom and I for not taking care of her and calling us irresponsible. I got mad so I decided to leave before I said something but my mom contradicted him saying that he could've easily gotten her and to not blame others. He, obviously, got very mad and stormed off. He does this very frequently if something happens where he is involved, he guilts others into believing it was their fault and he had nothing to do with it. He also expects everyone to think like him and see things from his perspective. For example, is he says "Pass me the thing from outside" you have to know what the thing is and if you don't know what it is or where to find it, be prepared to be screamed at and ignored. He's going to keep quiet and expect you to find it on your own and if not, the anger just keeps building up; he's stubborn. An example of this would be from last month, about a week before Christmas, we were going to church to attend a celebration and my parents were having a discussion. They were talking about someone, my father brought up the conversation, and he was referring to the person as "the guy". He said things like "the guy was there" or "the guy was talking to me", so basically, he was being vague on who this person was. When my mom finally asked who the guy was, he got so mad and started to badly insult my mom calling her stupid and all that. My mom didn't take this and argued back and told him that he was on his way to church but my dad just couldn't take being contradicted. At the end of the church ceremony, he started to talk to my mom in an affectionate way as if nothing had happened previously and when my mom didn't take it and was still mad, he stormed off calling all of us dramatic. He does this all the time where he thinks that his "little" episodes are no big deal and that everyone should still respect him. He's made my mom cry so many times and honestly, that strengthens my hatred towards him. Not only does he take off his anger with us, (my mom, sisters, and I) but he also does it with others, even his friends. That's why many who are close to our family do not respect my father anymore. Not only this but my dad is a hypocrite. This one time, we were watching a TV series where there are reenactments of real-life situations and they passed one where there was an abusive father. My father had called him, and generalized to many, "idiots", "cowards", and even "criminals" when in reality he does much of what those fathers do. My dad is like to horseplay, in his very rare good moods, and if one of us start to cry or complain that we're hurt, he gets mad saying that we can't handle anything and to stop crying, he doesn't like criers and walks away. He tells us to never play with him again if we're going to be like that, but the thing is is that he's always the one who starts to play rough. His actions have even influenced my sisters and I and I've seen it. My sisters, when they were younger, would be calm but now they get easily angry and performed many actions that my dad has done. And I hate to say that I have to, I've noticed that I have acted, sometimes, the way that my father does and I hate that, I don't want me or my sisters to become like him. I have been working so hard to be able to succeed and be able to leave my house because I can't stand my father anymore, I just want to be out of his reign. It has gotten to the point where, and I feel terrible for saying this, that I love it when he's working and not home because that's the only time where my house is calm and scream-free. That's when we're all at peace. I have talked to my friends about this, but all they do is, to sum up their words, call me dramatic. They shut me down. They say that it's nothing and change the conversation. I could go on and on about what he does and how it affects many of us. I've always been afraid of my father and I honestly don't know what else to do.

    • profile image

      bri 2 days ago

      im tired of the lying and manipulation. i feel used and worn out. im sick of living with a drug addict. but my mom won't do anything. its been going on for years. all the yelling and emotional/mental abuse is just tearing me up inside. my father doesn't think he abuses us and sometimes i believe him. i dont even have the energy to be angry. i hate my mom for letting this continue. i just want me and my sister happy and far away from him and his bs.

    • profile image

      Teresa Ryan 2 days ago

      Sometimes not liking your dad is a direct result of him being put down, bad mouthed and called names by the mother! She doesn't like that she no longer has the control and all she can do after the divorce is trying and turn them against him.

      I know all too well about this. I am a step-mom, who sees this everyday!

      One thing we do not do in our home is trash talk anyone, not even their mom. But the one thing she does on a constant basis is throw us under the bus every chance she gets.

      And she has even turned to bribing the oldest son, he is 11. She will buy him anything or give him money to make him stay home with her. Or even come home during our week just for a little visit. Only so she can get him worked up, send him back home and all of a sudden.....he's mad at us.

      She is evil! Women like this are evil! If you use your child like this you are abusing them!

    • profile image

      Anonymous 2 days ago

      My father abused me and was and still is a very bad alcoholic I have no choice but to live with him. I've seen him do drugs in front of me, die come back to life and years later seize . He's been in and out of the hospital (I had to spoon feed him) despite his emotional and physical abuse. I love him, it's weird isn't it? I should hate this man but I actually feel bad. Addiction makes people ugly. I see him and use him as an example of what ILL NEVER BE.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 3 days ago from Australia

      Olivia, most kids would love to hear their dad say he loves them. (And their mother.) Why don’t you? You say he’s never been abusive. So what’s the problem?

    • profile image

      Olivia 3 days ago

      I hate my father he wasn't abusive but I still hate him. He tells me how he loves me and how I'm his first child and how much i mean to him but it only disgusts me...actually almost the same feeling goes to my mother:/

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 days ago from Australia

      Liz I wrote you 2 comments earlier. I wonder if you only read one and missed the long first comment because ‘complaining to your friends’ and waiting to see ‘if things get worse’ makes no sense. Your mother needs help now! Please read all my comments to you. (This is now the 3rd.)

    • profile image

      Liz 4 days ago

      Okay, I think I will try that.I'll just complain to my friends for a while and if things get worse then I'll goo see a doctor or something like you suggested. Thanks!

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 days ago from Australia

      An extra thought for you and your dad, Liz. Maybe you and dad should go see the doctor first, without your mom. Take a print out of your comment and mine ... and ask for advice.

      It might be best to ‘brief’ the doctor first and then have your mom go in for a checkup. The doctor could then raise the issue with her and be prepared to cope with any outburst or reaction.

      She definitely needs help. And you definitely need her to get that help before you become a teenager. I suspect she’s not really coping with your little brother either, especially when dad’s at work and you’re at school.

      So please, get your dad to help her as quickly as you can.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 days ago from Australia

      Listen to me very carefully, Liz. I don’t believe for one moment that your mom has stopped loving you, but I certainly understand why you are questioning it. Your mom is not coping and she needs help! Here’s what I want you to do. (You’re going to have to trust me on this, Liz. I have been a mother for a very long time ... and I’m probably old enough to be your mom’s mom, so I’m going to consider both of you as ‘my girls’ right now, okay?)

      You really must tell your dad that you’re not coping with what’s happening at home right now, and you wrote a comment on a webpage on the internet ... and the woman is INSISTING you show him what you wrote.

      Tell him not to worry about the article, but I want him to read YOUR comment and MINE. I don’t think your dad is aware of just how bad things have become. He’s obviously busy at work and I understand why he’s unaware. But Liz, you simply MUST show him your letter to me and this answer. Here’s why ...

      I’m not a doctor, but I believe your dad needs to take her to a doctor quite urgently. From what you’ve described, it sounds to me like she’s still suffering from mixed up, muddled up hormones after the birth of your brother. And if he’s 4 now, she’s been suffering for a long time. (And so have you!)

      A doctor will no doubt be able to help get your mom back to her old self. (That’s good news. Yes, she’ll be your loving mom again!) But your dad needs to get onto this quickly.

      He should take a copy of your letter to me with him because it very clearly and effectively provides a long list of ‘symptoms’ for the doctor to consider.

      Liz, your mom would never want to ruin your life. But her actions have resulted in you considering suicide. Imagine how guilty she’d feel if you harmed yourself because of things she didn’t mean to do. Please help her so that your whole family can heal and life can get back to being good.

      I don’t believe you need any medication or intervention, Liz. You just need a healthy mom again! I understand you think she’ll explode at the suggestion she’s less than a perfect mom and wife, but that’s one of the symptoms.

      Don’t feel bad about writing to me, Liz. You are 12 years old and just wrote an absolutely brilliant letter that will ultimately help your mom. And I’m absolutely certain that she’ll thank you for it one day.

      So be brave and show it to your dad so he can understand what’s going on.

      And please keep writing to me, Liz. I want to be sure that you’re okay.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 days ago from Australia

      Hello Justagirl. I do understand how hard it is for you. I can see you have ambition and passion for becoming a pilot, and I can see your father is blocking your way. (Not quite sure how your mother fits in, but I’m thinking she could do more to help.)

      Your school in England seems a perfect fit for you. If your father can’t afford for you and your mum to be in England, perhaps you can negotiate a way for just you to go back there. Maybe you could board with a family with a child at the school. Do you have to pay expensive school fees? If you graduate from a UK high school will you get access to free university?

      I think you need to look at all the possible options for achieving your goals. For instance, in Australia I know some kids (a bit older than you of course) join the army or airforce as a way of covering uni fees ~ and even learning to fly.

      But I also know one young man who offered to sweep out hangars at a local airfield in exchange for flying lessons from the time he was 14. He obtained his pilot’s license while still quite young. Started with small planes before eventually working for a big airline and now he flies overseas!

      There’s lots of ways to approach any problem, so do your research and come up with a bunch of options. Then ‘negotiate’ with your family. Don’t just make demands.

      Whatever you do, don’t dwell on what your dad said. You and I both know what he said makes absolutely no sense. So just accept that he is the way he is, and try to ‘work around’ him.

      Heck, maybe you can tell him you’re hoping to get a good high-paying job in the future and be able to look after your mum when she’s older, relieving him of that responsibility. (Add that to your list of things to consider when formulating a proposal to put to your dad and other family.)

      Think through the issues and try to find a solution. Don’t give up because there’s lots of possible options you probably haven’t considered yet. Keep writing to me as you think things through. I’ll try to be helpful.

    • profile image

      Liz 6 days ago

      My mom seems to hate me... like my brother is the golden child, and everything is my fault, even when all the evidence is that it's my brother. I never measure up to her expectations. Just yesterday, I forgot my lunch, and she started yelling at me and telling me that I was worthless and took away my phone saying that I "Chat too much with my friends" even though that was the first time in the entire week that I had texted my friends. I paid for that phone myself, and she's refusing to pay the money that I payed for it back to me. She threw it right out the car window. She limits my social life so that the only time I see my friends is school, and since my schedule is completely out of sync with my friends' schedules, I really just get to talk to them a few minutes a day, during passing period. She won't let me bike or walk to school, but she says that if I don't make her happy and if I don't follow her every word, she won't send me, and I'll just have to stay home, and no, she's not going to sent a letter excusing me, so I do everything she does - but she's still not happy. She never will be. I got into Algebra 1 and I'm only 12 and in 7th grade, and I got an 88% on the semester finals, and she yelled at me and told me I was worthless. Today my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her to my brother's doctor appointment, and she normally yells at me if I say yes, calling me lazy and accusing me of not wanting me to do hw, so today I said no even thought I really wanted to go and see how healthy my brother (4 yrs old) was, and she started yelling at me and calling me an ungrateful child, saying that I was lazy and that if I didn't want to help her out, then I could just stay at school until my dad comes home from work at 6 pm or something. So I said that I would come, that I was okay with coming and helping, and I didn't know that she needed help and she screamed "BULLSHIT you just don't want to walk home by yourself even if you want to come I won't let you now" And she went on about how angelic my brother is, so I protested that didn't she see all the stuff he did, like wasting all the paper, breaking my old phone my smashing it from the 2nd floor of our house, etc, and she said that it was my fault, I should have looked after him to make sure he didn't to any of that. She watched calmly as he wrecked my room and when I came home from school all happy like cuz I got 107% on the spanish test(extra credit), she yelled at me that my room was messy and to go clean it up RIGHT NOW, and ripped my test into shreds, which I had planned to put on my memories/achievements wall. I'm not perfect enough for her. I try to do everything she wants me to do, I act like a good child, I don't lie to her anymore, I do everything I can to earn back her love, but it seems like it's irreversible, that ever since my brother was born I've just been the extra, the leftover child. My dad tries to make up for it by favoring me but it doesn't work. After all, my mom is a stay-at home mom and my dad works most of the day so he can't stand up for me when I need it the most. Once I dared to stand up when my mom slapped me for not finishing my homework on time, and so we fought and she had me in a headlock within seconds. She then yelled at me saying that "How dare you rebel I'm your mom you are so ungrateful you started this fight" and she stormed out of the garage- locking me in. After my dad came home 3 hours later, I heard her complaining and crying to him that I had hit her and kicked her, and my dad didn't know any better so he got mad at me. I maintained that I had done nothing except stand up to my mom but my mom screamed calling me a liar, and she was such a good actor even I believed her. But my brother cries for TV or chocolate or youtube and my mom will give it to him. Me? I'm grateful that I've not been kicked out by now, and the reason that I haven't been kicked out is my dad (God bless him) helping me. Everything is my fault, my parents argument are my fault, I should have been a better kid, and why is my math grade still not 100%. What am I doing wrong? Why does my mom seem to hate me ever since my brother was born? Have I been replaced, or is it just a temporary lapse? I can't blame PMS as her period ended a while ago, and it hasn't started yet. I know, because when she's on her period, there are pads everywhere and the toilet will have blood in it. My mom never keeps her promises, and yet expects me to keep mine. She's doing everything she can to turn dad against me. My grandparents and all my other relatives are off in China so they can't help me. I was treated much tougher as a kid that my brother is. Like, 300 times tougher. When she was pregnant, she assured me that I would always be her favorite child, that there would be enough love to go around. She didn't keep that promise. She promised she would give me a mani-pedi if I didn't get a mani in Hawaii. She promised that if I told her the truth, she wouldn't get mad. She lied. If I tell the truth, but it's not what she want to hear, she will torture me and pressure me until I cave in and say what she wants me to say. She promised to buy me a candle pack. She never did. She promised that she would always love me. I'm not sure if she kept that one. Maybe she still loves me and is just going through a hard time, or just thinks that she's showing love. I have thought of suicide multiple times, and also sneaking alcohol to get drunk, but I resisted. And I'm 12. I'm close to exploding all of my bottled up feeling to her, maybe runaway for a week so we can take a break from each other. Does anyone know how to fix this? Or is it like, unfixable? Because I love her to bits, but I'm not sure if she loves me back. I just want her to be proud of me, and love me, and take pride in my achievements. But she won't. She doesn't seem capable. I don't think I can take it for much longer. I could go on, and on, and on, about how she's wronged me, but I'll only put one more: If I suggest that she isn't a perfect mother and housewife, if ANYONE dares to suggest so, she will explode, so telling her my feelings isn't an option, however much I want to.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 6 days ago from Australia

      Val, there’s a word for the type of man your father was, but I try not to use it. I’m disgusted that he spoke to you like that.

      I am extremely pleased you now have a son and get to be a better parent than your dad. Your son is your family now. That’s very cool. And without your father’s presence, I hope your health is improving.

    • profile image

      Justagirl 6 days ago

      My mother and I went to live in England, then had to go back to our home county in Europe because my dad said that he didn't want me to live there anymore (didnt state a reason). After we returned, I told him plainly "Dad, I want to go back to england to get a better education, my grades are A+ and I'm a 5 star student. I want to become a pilot and to achieve that dream I NEED a good high-school and University education. Please let me go." He started yelling at me, telling me that I'm a worthless daughter, blaming me for marrying a woman he doesn't love then blaming ME for making him get HER pregnant. Telling me that I'm the reason for all his stress and sadness. Do you realise how hard that is on a daughter who's just 15?!? I tried to talk to him about this topic many times but he just shuts me down without listening to me. When i tell this to my mother she just says i'm not "putting my foot down." I've tried everything and my family is really pressuring me, I've told them that he emotionally abuses me but they dont care. I dont even know whats going to become of me. I've lost all hope, and am fed up with life. Im depressed and I'm seriously tired of putting on a fake smile whilst all I can think about is my father's words.

    • profile image

      Val 6 days ago

      My dad told me once that I my mom says i don't deserve Christmas gifts, when I ended up in a wheelchair he told me I would get secretarial spread he would tell my friends I don't care about anyone but myself . He would say I'm lazy. He told me when he was dying he wished it was me and I spent my whole life scared of him. My dad hated me. I'm a parent now and my son is the sunshine in my life.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 days ago from Australia

      Zach, you don’t have to be perfect. That’s too big an expectation for anyone. Don’t let your dad make you feel like that.

      You know there’s a slight possibility he doesn’t really feel disappointed. You might just be thinking he is. Maybe you could ask him. ‘Dad, are you really disappointed in me? Because I often feel like you are.’

      Hopefully you can have a conversation where he reassures you, and you won’t have to worry so much.

      But if he does confirm what you already suspect, then you’ll have to toughen up your heart a bit and get on with doing your personal best. For you! Not for your dad.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 days ago from Australia

      George, I would be proud to have you as one of my children. Sounds like you’re doing a really good job at school and socially. What a shame your father can’t see what a good kid you are.

      I suggest you spend less time and effort trying to love him (he doesn’t deserve it) and just accept your dad is not worth worrying about.

      Concentrate instead on performing to the best of your ability, and focus on creating a strong, positive future for yourself when you’re an adult.

      Be prepared to leave your father behind you, George. Don’t give him the power to keep making your life miserable. You really don’t owe him anything.

      Don’t scream into your pillow or punch the wall. Instead, just dream of your future without the dramas he creates ... and dream of the kind of loving parent you want to be someday, where your kids feel safe.

      Take mental notes now of all the things you won’t do with your own kids, and what you will do. That way you’ll be ready when the time comes.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 days ago from Australia

      I don’t often get letters from moms. So thank you for sharing your thoughts. I understand the difficult position you are in.

      I can’t begin to guess what your husband might do, and we certainly don’t want him to make things worse for you or your kids. But surely there must be someone in your network of friends and family who can help come up with an effective plan to leave him?

      You shouldn’t have to stay in such an unhappy place, but you are wise to think things through carefully and not put yourself in danger.

      You can talk with me anytime if it helps.

    • profile image

      Zach 8 days ago

      My father always seems to be disappointed in me, even when he doesn't say it there is a look of disappointment .It makes me feel horrible.

    • profile image

      george parson 8 days ago

      MY dad constantly critisizes me and blames me for everything that happens in his life. If . We are late to something, my fault. He gets stressed, my fault. He loses something, my fault. Someone gets sick, my fault. He is also the least supportive person I have ever met. I am an A+ student with a GPA of 4.7 of 5 yet he constantly tells me that I am a failure, useless, and that I will end up homeless and working for McDonalds. I am the nicest person I know and I try and do everything so that he likes me. All my family members tell me I am the best child anyone could ever have, yet my dad yells, critisizes me, and calls me a fucking retarded piece of shit that was made to torture him. Yes I am a little unorganized and don't manage my time too well, but I struggle and really try and work on it. And you know I really try and love him because he is my father and he deserves that, but I have found myself to many times pissed off to the extent to where i scream into my pillow and punch my door at night and have to put myself through another workout routine to calm myself down in the middle of the night and be able to go to sleep. The relationship is parasitic, when he is in a good mood he hugs and kisses me to the extent that it feels homosexual and he even does it in public, he says hes sorry but I know he isn't because he goes on and emotionally abuses me the next day. I've been so scarred by him that I am scared to do bad in school, soccer, time management or anything that I do, because if I fuck up in just one thing he will be there to scrutinize and destroy my self-esteem in a moment.

    • profile image

      a mom 8 days ago

      i agree with the article and sadly i'm the mom who had children with someone who probably shouldn't have. i was raised by an manipulative, opinionated, emotionally abusive father. as a married adult child, i recognized my familiarity with my past seeping into my then present but was not enlightened enough at the time to gain the courage to change it by leaving. i tried to intervene to balance the imbalance in our family life by self help and attempting to share thoughts such as those you've provided. my husband is perpetually angry (and it's always our fault), annoyed, disgruntled, and is always at the ready to bait someone for an argument. my sons are 20 and 23 now and we've had a HOST of issues with anger, the law, addiction...i kept it together because i was terrified of how much worse it could get if i left with them when they were young. the boys and i have been fixing the issues and are much closer to balance than we were. (still a work in progress). i'm certain they dislike my husband for reasons he brought upon himself, but the dislike for me for sticking it out is healing. the 23 yr old is out, but still stumbling and the 20 yr old is home and still having trouble with his footing (but better than we were). i want to leave but am frightened how much worse he would try to make like for us. i pray for guidance, esp in the new year to have the courage to make a hard choice, setting a right example to stand up for and expect and accept the love we know we deserve.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 8 days ago from Australia

      I’m sorry your mother died, Eboy. You and your siblings did well to cope. It sounds like your dad didn’t come home then. I’m guessing he doesn’t have much experience at being an actual parent.

      Perhaps you need to remind him you are all independent now. Maybe he’s trying to be the dad he never was. You know, being involved and doing ‘dad things’.

      Sadly, I think he might have left it too late. You will have to tell him what you need from him. And what you don’t need.

      I hope you manage to talk honestly with him, and get the chance to know him better.

    • profile image

      Eboy 9 days ago

      My dad controls our life. I have 3 siblings and even my eldest sister which is 23, my dad still interfere with her decisions and so with me. He thinks too much on us, he didn’t valued us being his children, he always sees our negative sides that he never appreciates our good character as his children. I’m 19 now and still my father controls my life. Btw, my mother died when I was 15 years old and we haven’t been together with my father for about 7 or 8 years since my mother passed away and because that time my father worked to another country far away from us. So, I am also thinking that maybe my father is still on process on adjustments of his life together with us because he maybe thought that we siblings are still young and naive. Yet, I knew myself and my siblings are independent now since we are all working and we lived our life for about 3 years without parents since my mother passed away. Does my dad acts normal or he just being over acting as if he cares on us?

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 9 days ago from Australia

      Hi Qwerty, I’m not surprised you hate your dad if he behaves that badly. I hope you encourage your mother to look at ways she might be able to create a safer home environment. And I trust you’ll stay away from drugs.

      Please never make the stupid mistakes your dad is making. You need to break free of the ugliness of his life choices.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 9 days ago from Australia

      Ben, you are 17 so not far away from being able to live independently. Personally I think your mother is the one you should be talking with about your father’s behaviour

      If she is carrying your family financially and emotionally, why is she putting up with him?

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 9 days ago from Australia

      Okay, Ollie, I’ve done that for you. Contact me again if you need to talk. :)

    • profile image

      Qwerty 10 days ago

      I hate my dad because he can't have a normal conversation, he's always yelling at anyone. He's never home, doesn't pay bills, abusive to mom, does and deals drugs, argues with his children, places blame on my mom for everything, cheats, and breaks into the home if we lock the doors.

    • profile image

      Ben 10 days ago

      I hate my dad. He's a grump. He does nothing to help my family and he's dead weight. My mom carries this family financially and emotionally. My dad fucks off to god knows where most of the time and comes back close to sunrise smelling like smoke and alcohol saying he's been off to "business meetings". I'm 17, I'm not a child anymore, I know what goes on in this house, if not more than my father. He needs to get his shit together.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 11 days ago from Australia

      I’m sorry to hear that you hate your dad, Huy. If you want to write more to me, you can.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Hello, Cameron. (I see you’re writing from a different country to the last Cameron.)

      Don’t blame yourself for not having the nerve to say something. Your dad sounds scary and unpredictable ... so I don’t blame you.

      How old are you now, Cameron? Are you saying your dad will take you and 3 siblings and move out? What about your birth mother? Do you ever spend time with her?

      I’m trying to get a clearer idea of what’s going on in your life, so please write more. Thanks.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Tori. I am so sorry you lost your mum. And so happy you had a close relationship with her. Hold onto the love you felt, and please don’t muddy it with ongoing conflict with your father and siblings.

      I think writing your feelings down was a very good idea, but I agree with your husband. Please don’t send the letter.

      Perhaps you could burn the letter/a to symbolically ‘share’ them with your mum. Release the anger and resentment as they burn, then get on with living your life with your husband and other people you love and respect.

      If your mum has a chance to haunt your father and chooses to do so, that’s between her and him. I suspect his tears may have been genuine, and he is probably already feeling regret. But that’s his problem. No need for you to get involved.

      I believe you should definitely walk away with your head held high, knowing your mother was aware you loved her. And I don’t doubt your father already knows how you feel about him, so there’s no need to state the obvious. Walking away is enough, Tori. You have no further reason to be involved in any toxic relationships.

      The hurt and emptiness you feel is natural and to be expected. It is a lovely testimony to your mother’s role in your life. (What a tragedy if you didn’t love her enough to feel that way.) Accept it and respect it. Yes, it will pass. Right now, however, you are grieving. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of your mum, and turn to your husband for support. Shift your focus to the loving family you’re creating with him, not the dysfunctional family you’re leaving behind you. Let your husband take care of you until you feel strong again.

    • profile image

      Cameron 2 weeks ago

      The comment from anyonynoua was me. My dad is on drugs and he verbally abuses my stepmother all the time. I have only recently found out he's on drugs he speeds and has got many speeding tickets but does not seem to care. He works for the whole family at his house as my stepmother does not have a job and my dad criticises that ignore that is the word he threatens to walk out with the four of us and move out and while this is all going oni feel like standing up telling them all to shut up and to talk to them about why they married. But my dad is a bit of an alcoholic and ever since he told me to F off when I tried to get him to wake up I haven't had the nerve to say something

    • profile image

      Anonymous 2 weeks ago

      My dad is on drugs and is constantly verbally abusive to her

    • profile image

      Tori 2 weeks ago

      I have hated my dad my whole life, he used to beat my mum and when I was 6 I saw him kick her to the ground, he once broke her nose however they stayed together for us kids !! I was always the one who talked back to him and protected my mum because I was the one that wasnt scared of him ..... He hated me and the feeling was always mutual, I have never told him I loved him because I dont tell lies. My mum passed away a few weeks ago, to say it was horrendous is an understatement. I was there when she took her last breath, but dad would not even look at me, never once put his arms around any of his 4 kids - How distgusting is that !! At mums funeral he didnt even acknowledge me - I never brought him trouble I just loved my mum, everyone who loves me has said that it was jealousy on his part - I dont understand .... I havent spoken to him or my sister since the day my mum passed away because she is as toxic as he is, I made the decision to walk away because the only person who kept us together was my mum, and now she is gone. I want to be a better person for not having them evil people in my life, but all I feel is hurt and emptiness - Will this ever go away??

    • profile image

      Tori 2 weeks ago

      My mum recently passed away, my dad and sister have always been sooo jelous of the relationship that me and my mum had. My parents never got on and dad used to beat my mum when we were kids, when I was 6 I saw my dad kicked my mum to the ground, he broke her nose and treated her so badly. They stayed together for the sake of us kids, which was really unhelpful, the night my mum passed away my dad didnt so much as look at me ( I have never done anything to him just love my mum) when she stopped breathing he began to cry which made the anger I have for him intensify, mum always said to me that if he cried at her funeral then she would come back and haunt him!! I have never had a relationship with him because unlike my siblings who were terrified of him, I used to stand up to him and protect my mum ! The day my mum was diagnosed with cancer it was all about him , he never cared or respected my mum ! I have'nt spoken to him since the day before my mum died, he didnt even look at me at mums funeral, and I have had no contact with my sister or him at all, but its me that feels guilty for walking away without teeling them what I think of them, I have written letters but my husband wont let me post them. I want to hold my head high and say FU but something is making me feel guilty when I know I have nothing to feel guilty about ! Is this normal???

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Randy, I love a good road trip. I helped my middle daughter pack her car for a road trip when she’d finished school and saved enough money, and she’s been traveling ever since. Of course most of her trips are by plane now though, lol. She’s currently living and working in Spain!

      So here’s my advice. Travel and work. If you saved money working in the past, get a written reference from your ex-boss or bosses. Hop in your car and go somewhere you want to visit. Then get a job. Find a room in a shared house. Stay as long as you’re having fun, and save money so you’re ready for the next leg of your journey. You’ll have bills including car registration etc, so don’t waste your money on cigarettes, drugs or alcohol. (You’ll need to pay off your debts so be really conscientious about where you spend your money.)

      Smoking pot is courting trouble on many levels. Keep a clear head and don’t risk getting in trouble with the law. You want to have a fun life, not a troubled life.

      Sooner or later you’ll find somewhere (or someone) and decide to settle down. Maybe you’ll return to your home town. Either way, your dad will have no option other than viewing you as an independent adult.

      I’m guessing you don’t want to go to college. Or do you? Hmm, maybe a college interstate? It seems extremely unreasonable though at your dad is keeping your hard-earned money.

      Will he give you access to it for ‘training’ for some kind of job/career? For instance, becoming a barista (learning to make great espresso coffee), or training as a bar tender? (Don’t know how old you have to be, in your part of the world.)

      Maybe you could tell him you want to have skills to make money in part time jobs in case you do go to college. Know what I mean? Those skills should be very handy to help make money while you get on your feet and find a job/career that interests you.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      To whoever was hit with a hammer by drug-addict dad, I understand why you want the custody agreement to be changed.

      You’ve given good advice to other kids, and I think you should take your own advice. Please don’t put up with the physical and mental abuse from your dad.

      He has a problem with drugs. You have a problem with him. If your mother offers a safe option, you should be with her. So talk to your mother, and approach the Court. (Or perhaps see if your father is willing to let you stay with mom without involving the Court if finances etc can be appropriately negotiated. Might be best to negotiate in writing via email. I don’t know, so your mother should get legal advice.)

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi to the person who wrote to Cameron. I wonder how you ended up on this page, and if you have a story to tell. (You can write to me any time in the future if you need to talk.)

      But right now, I’m very touched that you took the time to notice how tough other kids’ lives can be.

      And I thank you for expressing appreciation for my efforts to help kids here. When I was a child, it was hard to imagine that my life could ever be good. But I’ve had (still having) a brilliant adult life.

      And I want every child to know that you’ll all grow up and have the chance to be happy. I know it is hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel when you feel stuck in a crappy childhood, which is why I like to try and help.

      And I also know that sometimes kids need help to see things aren’t as bad as they think.

      I’m hoping my voice of experience (as a child, an adult, a parent, foster parent, and grandmother) helps.

      Tonight as I write here, my home is filled with four grandchildren and their mother (my foster daughter) plus their dad and another relative.

      I am SO proud of my foster daughter who was dreadfully abused and neglected for the first ten years of her life ... and is now an absolutely awesome woman and mother, despite the bad place she came from.

      I would have adopted her but wasn’t allowed. She only spent a few years with me, but we’re still family and she’s been teaching her kids things I taught her. Yes, she’s learned how to be a good mother, and I’m very proud.

      I will always, happily, help any child like Beth or Isaac who crosses my path.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Pure Grace, I’ve just seen your message. It has been deleted by the moderators because you used so many caps throughout it. If you write to me again, just write normally please.

      My kids changed schools and ended up with lots of friends in lots of places. They still keep in touch now they’re adults. Email is a great invention!

      And you’re going to find this hard to imagine, but when my last baby was born, my oldest child was already 22. Yep, 22! My kids all adore each other. Just wait until the baby is born. If you’re a good big sister, the baby will worship you.

      And the baby’s father will learn more about being a dad, so that should help you too. (Wait and see. I know lots about this kind of thing.)

      So please stop talking about harming yourself. Just look st your life as an adventure. You’re lucky your life won’t be boring. Enjoy all these new things that are happening! Lots of other kids just have boring lives. I feel sorry for them.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Thomas, I’m really sorry you have that good vs bad happening with your father. Is it okay to hate him? Well, if he beats you, yes it is.

      And if he’s a model dad sometimes, I understand that makes it even more difficult for you.

      It sounds like he might be bipolar. Have you talked to your mother and/or grandparents about his two personalities and asked them for help? Someone needs to be suggesting he see a doctor in case there’s some kind of medication that can help.

      By the way, Thomas, I’m really pleased you managed to defend yourself and run! Stay safe, and try and get someone to talk to a doctor about your dad.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Andy. Let me start by saying sometimes a man can be a great dad but a dreadful husband. Or a great husband but a really disappointing father. I know that’s confusing, but life isn’t always simple.

      You are an astonishingly lucky young man whose parents have both proven how much they love you. Always remember that, and make it your lifelong goal to give them both credit for their gestures of love to you. It is now time for you to be supportive towards your mom and your dad. At 18 you’re old enough to take responsibility for your own actions, so let’s you and me have a talk.

      I’m going to be honest with you (because that’s what I think you expect from me. I’m honest with all the kids who write to me.) Quite frankly I don’t believe you should be proud of yourself for ‘saving’ your parents’ marriage. Here’s why ...

      What you did was incredibly mean and unfair. You forced your parents to stay together and pretend they were happy. They’ve both probably just wasted five years when they could have been getting on with their lives in whatever way they’d decided, if you hadn’t made such a dreadful threat.

      I don’t know what happened two years ago. Maybe the woman your dad fell in love with married another man, or it just started getting too hard for him to keep playing happy family when his heart wasn’t in it.

      I’m sure he doesn’t hate you ... but there’s a good chance he ‘hates’ how his life has panned out. (Remember, I told you already you must never doubt his love for you!) You asked what you should do, so I’m going to tell you what I think you should do if you want to fix your relationship. Let’s start with the don’t list.

      Don’t start feeling sorry for yourself and beating yourself up over the past. That’s not going to help! And don’t you dare make any more threats to your parents. It is now time to reward them, not punish them further! So I strongly recommend you read my following advice, think about it, and do it.

      You should thank your dad for being your dad, Andy. Tell him you were screwed up when you were 13, and thank him for standing by you and supporting you during those difficult years. Tell him you’re old enough now to see how hard it must have been for him and your mother when you said you would harm yourself. Tell him you’re sorry you ever said that. Promise him that you’ll never do anything stupid like that in the future. Thanks to your parents, your head is in a much better space now and you’re prepared to build on the good head start they’ve given you in life.

      Tell your dad you genuinely hope that he and your mom are happy together, but if they’re not, you’re going to stand back and let them sort things out for themselves. Whatever they decide, you’ll be supportive.

      Then get ready to have a similar conversation with your mother. Remember to thank them and tell them both how much you love them. And don’t lose sight of that if they do happen to choose to go their separate ways.

      Are you man enough to do that, Andy? I hope so. The way I see it, that’s what will help restore your relationship. If your dad calls you a ‘gamer’, I suspect he feels you ‘played’ him. Not a good thing. So it’s time to fix it.

    • profile image

      Randy 3 weeks ago

      My dad likes to take things too literally and is constantly trying to control my life. I recently opened up to him that I'm incapable of talking to him and that of course turned into an argument. All Is said was that I don't think I'm able to talk to him the same way I do everyone else because he still views me as a child. Bring up that when I was turning 18 I had saved up 5 grand from busting my hump through high school and had wanted to go on a big road trip across the country to see as many states as possible. He called me a F#%$ing idiot and drained my account before I turned 18 and said the only way he would let me touch the money is if I went to college. So now I'm in debt and I've been miserable for 2 years because of it. I keep things from him like how I've had 5 girlfriends since then, one car accident, and I've started smoking pot.

      I told him that I hated being around him, but I wanted things to change. He's shut me down and has threatened to kick me out of the house so I may be living in my car soon. Any advice?

    • profile image

      3 weeks ago

      My dad abused me mentally and physically. He had hit me with a hammer once. I have to keep his secrets, one of them being drugs. He’s also a HUGE control freak and never knows when to stop. Honestly it’s very hard. I’ve even thought about going to court for the agreement between him and my mother to be changed. I erge all others to try and help themselves even if it comes down to a change of custody.

    • profile image

      3 weeks ago

      Cameron, if you still come here, you should look at Isaac's case. It's right beneath your's in the comment section. Go back much further and look at Beth's case. Her father choked her siblings. It could have killed them. If LongTimeMother had been choked and killed before high school, what would happen? Where would these children go? If it had happened, what would you do? What would Beth and Isaac do?

      What would you do?

    • profile image

      Thomas 3 weeks ago

      I really don't want to hate my dad. It really seems like he tries, but he is really an ass... he makes my mother cry often, he is a control freak, and he is constantly critical. I try my best to like him because of how hard he works, but he's honestly just unlikable. He also occasionally beats me. I remember the last time that it happened, we were having an argument, and he threw me up against the wall with his hand around my neck. And I squirmed out, then he tried to punch me. but i got him first. I grabbed him and threw him to the ground then ran away. That was the fifth or sixth time that it had happened. It seems almost as if he has two personalities. One that is super nice and helps me and is the model dad, and another who does messed up shit every day and makes me feel worthless. Is it okay to hate him?

    • profile image

      Andy 3 weeks ago

      Hello. I need help I dont know what to do. From my childhood till like 2 years ago me and my father had the perfect relationship(I'm 18). He cared about me, treat me like a best friend and all that beautiful stuff. But,he treated my mother like the total opposite. He cheated on her when I was young and I knew about it but never told her anything, kept my mouth shut till I discovered that she knows he cheated. Even though she knew she's the kind of woman that forgives and she did but he ALWAYS treated her in a bad way and 13 year old me saved their marriage believe it or not by threatening them that I'd kill my self if they divorced. So I guess it worked cause in the end we all were back to being a good bonded family. But suddenly my started to act in a way to make me believe he freaking hates me. I dont know what to call his behaviour but I'll say what he tells me. I'm a gamer (and I've always been)

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 3 weeks ago from Australia

      If you said things that a son should never say, you’d better apologise quickly. And be prepared to keep apologising.

      You sure didn’t help your mother and sister have a dinner without issues, did you? You’d better apologise to them as well.

      You know what you did was wrong, so it is up to you to try and fix it. Don’t expect everyone to just forget how you behaved. You really should be rather ashamed. And now is the perfect time to reassess your general behaviour.

      Your father’s not perfect, but neither are you. You could easily have said, “Dad, please, can’t we just have a nice conversation? Because it’s Christmas.’ That would have been far more appropriate.

      Geez. My husband, daughter and I spent Christmas Day with a bunch of atheists giving free lunch and free presents to members of our community who don’t have money or family at Christmas. You ought to be very grateful you’re not one of the kids who needed our help.

      Maybe that’s what you should be doing to give yourself a sense of perspective. Spend the day with lonely adults and a bunch of kids whose fathers don’t give a toss about them. Work hard to help them all get along and feel special.

      You could do with developing those skills before joining your family for Christmas dinner in the future (or any dinner, quite frankly.)

      Important to note, nobody there was ‘preaching’ at anyone ... and nobody was called a loser. We just all tried to make the day a good one, with happy memories for everyone.

      You shouldn’t be competing with your father or trying to strip him of his role in his family. You should be encouraging him to be the best dad he can be. And you should be trying to be the best son (and brother) you can be.

      Show your family some respect. Your outburst was childish and selfish. You’re going to have to work hard to repair the damage you’ve done.

      I hope you’re big enough to try. Because with the attitude you displayed, you’re destined to become a lonely old man yourself. The sooner you realize the world does not revolve around you, the better.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 3 weeks ago from Australia

      Cameron, it sounds to me like your father is at least making an effort ... and you should be grateful for that.

      If all you have to complain about is boredom and your dad’s cooking, you are one very lucky kid. Take a look at some of the other kids’ comments on this page, Cameron, and I hope you’ll see just how lucky you are.

      Maybe then you’ll go and thank your dad for his gifts ... and his time and attention. You’d miss it if he stopped making the effort, I’m sure.

    • profile image

      Anonymous 3 weeks ago

      I don’t hate my dad, I have no respect for him. He never abused me or abandoned me, but today I just went off on him. I said things that a son should never say. I called him a loser, a retarded, I told him he is no man but a pussy. I feel horrible but at the same time It felt like a relief. It all happened over Christmas dinner and my father started to complain about our financial situation, I got mad and threw money at his face and call him a fucking loser. My father always works, every single day and this one day my mother and sister wanted to go to dinner without issues. On his break he would bring up the past and talk about his family, talk about my mistakes as a 10 year old and then my mother and then me and then about the neighbors and then say why we are in the situation we are in. I can’t fucking take it. We had one day off and it was spent talking about the past and what happened. I have no fond family experience together, I do have individually but never together. Maybe there is this lack of emtional togetherness that bothers me. My parents aren’t divorced but for some reason I feel like we are all distant. I also feel like I’m in this competition with my father over madculinity and leadership. He was mad why I was the first to order and why I made the reservations, he got upset over why I set the tip. It felt easy to disrespect my father. I feel really shitty right now and I’m trying to understand where did all this hatred come from.

    • profile image

      Cameron 3 weeks ago

      I hate my father so much. I’m very thankful for the gifts he got me, however Christmas sucked. He made the worst cheesecake I’ll ever had in my life (and busted me and my brothers balls about not liking it) and I want to throw up thinking about it so moving on, he made us shovel the walkways to his house and deck as he watched helplessly, made me go to a random strangers house to get string and deliver a movie, though I did get paid a little bit of money, which I wont complain about, because fifty cents is fifty cents amiright, and we watched nfl and nba games which I find incredibly boring, then asks us if we had a FUN Christmas, which we had to say yes to because he’s a very stuck up person and gets angry if people aren’t having a good time, I just can’t wait to go back to my moms house, it’s like torture here except incredibly boring.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 3 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi from Australia, Isaac. No doubt about it, your father does not set a good example. I’m hoping you’re learning how NOT to behave when you’re an adult.

      How old are you now?

    • profile image

      Isaac 3 weeks ago

      My dad ruined almost all of my Christmas holiday since I was 8 yrs old and last year it was the worst year of my life. My mom asked me if I wanna go and visit granny to celebrate Christmas and I said yes, but at that very moment, my dad yells "NO! you're gonna help me and do my work for me." I slammed the dining table and went into my room crying. Since then I had never celebrated Christmas anymore. He wants me to help him every single time even the most simple thing like getting a drink from the fridge when he's clearly standing right next to the fridge with nothing else to do and I was just stepping out of the toilet, tried to tell him that he's standing right next to the fridge but he gave me that "look" and I knew that he was gonna complain if I didn't do it. For the past 5 yrs I'd always lock my bedroom door until my dad or mom cooks dinner. Mom also said that he likes to complain about her 'cause he doesn't take care of me that well, doesn't know how to use her salary money and stuff and she's mean or rude and stuff. Truth is, he's the one who is all of that stuff, plus he's racist and a judge mental show off guy. He once threw his money to an Indonesian hobo while saying "Take this you poor stupid idiot." thought that me and my relatives couldn't hear what he was saying but we actually did and kept our mouth shut saying that he wanted to be a "good example" to the community and the kids.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 3 weeks ago from Australia

      I'm thinking of all the kids having a crappy Christmas, and promising you they won't always be bad. Suddenly you'll be an adult with the freedom to spend Christmas however you like. And you won't have to see your dad (or your mother) if you don't want to.

      I'm sorry if you're not baving a good Christmas this year. Start dreaming about what your 'perfect' Christmas would be like, became some day you'll be an adult and able to make it happen!!

      Hugs to all of you.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 3 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Matt. I don’t know your mom or your dad so I’m just talking generally from my experience, okay?

      If you had a bad dad who was angry and full of hate, I’m thinking you would have noticed it. You just have to read comments from other kids on this page to see what life is like with a ‘bad’ dad.

      You probably noticed I wrote a section in this article about/to mothers. Part of it says, ‘Encourage your friends and family to resist the urge to speak badly about the child's father in front of them. Of course it is important to answer their questions honestly, but don't be brutal when dealing with a child's feelings.’

      Unfortunately it sounds like your mother was brutal. Maybe she felt like your dad didn’t care about you because he left. In her mind, he should have stayed ‘for the kids’ if he really cared.

      But you and I both know things might have become much worse in your home if he hadn’t left when he did.

      I hope your mother didn’t lie to you (for many obvious reasons), but I’m also kinda hoping she did. Because that will make it easier for you if you want to try to reach out to a ‘nice’ dad.

      You’re old enough to make wise decisions, so be cautious when you start reconnecting with your father. Try not to incite anger in either of your parents.

      Just tell your mom calmly that you want to spend some time with your dad now you’re older. (When you’re 18 I doubt you’ll need her permission, but you shouldn’t have to wait until then.)

      I think you could ask other relatives for their memories if you want, but I suspect your mother was bitter and twisted as a result of their split ... and she was wrong to speak about him that way.

      Matt, be careful you don’t go from hating one to hating the other. Hug them both (separately, lol) and tell them both you love them. I think you’ll feel better in yourself if you get a chance to do that.

      Good luck. I’m hoping to hear things work out for you.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 3 weeks ago from Australia

      Alex, do you ever have nice quiet talks with your dad? Do you think you could talk with him about how you feel?

      Maybe you could ask, ‘Dad, do you hate me? Because sometimes it feels like you do.’

      I’m hoping he’ll be ready to reassure you that he doesn’t hate you, but just gets frustrated sometimes.

      Then you could ask him if he remembers how hard it is to be a kid and try to do the right thing, but things don’t work out. And did he desperately want to fit in, but have trouble doing it? Because that’s the problem you’re having.

      Tell him you could really do with his help about now, because you’re not feeling as though you have a good relationship with him, but you want one. Ask him if he can please make you feel as though he’s pleased to see you, and happy to have you as his child.

      Now if he doesn’t talk to you the way we’re both hoping he will, don’t panic. Just ask him what he wants you to do differently. And then say, ‘If I try really hard to do that, would you please trust me use my phone like all the other kids do?’

      Reassure him you won’t get into trouble with it or do anything stupid.

      Write back to me Alex and tell me what your dad says. I’ll try to help you more once we figure out where your dad’s head is at.

      Be cool and calm when you’re talking with him. This is your chance to try and start a new kind of relationship with him.

    • profile image

      matt 3 weeks ago

      for a long time I hated my dad bcause of what my mom told me about him. But it was weird because I never saw those bad things I only heard them from her. That he didn't care about me or my brother. That he was cheap and didn't want us to have a good life. Mom said he was always angry and full of hate. I never saw that at all but she said it so much that I thought it was true even when I never saw it. In fact my dad was always careful with us and gentle and we had fun. I'm getting older (17) and now I'm thinking my dad wasn't wasn't really a bad person it was just my mom saying it to make me not like him

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 3 weeks ago from Australia

      If you’re with him now, it’s a perfect time to give him a Christmas card with a long, heartfelt letter in it. You can hand it to him yourself and know that he’s got it and will read it. Don’t talk while he reads it, just let him absorb it without interruption. (At least no interruption from you.)

      Write about the things you used to do together and how you miss having him around. Tell him you hope there’s still time to create new happy father-daughter memories. Say how you’re conscious of how fast the years are passing and that you’ll be an adult all too soon and it will no doubt be even harder to spend time together.

      And thank him for being your dad. Write about how happy you were when he was active in your life, and how much you hope the two of you can rebuild the strong bond you used to share because you really miss it.

      You have a few days to create a brilliant letter, and then a couple of weeks to hopefully spend quality time together before you go home again.

      Oh, one more thought. You could include another page with 10 questions you’d like him to answer, and the suggestion he write 10 questions for you. Maybe you could continue exchanging questions and answers in the future, maybe via email.

      Easy questions but interesting ways to get to know each other better, like ‘What’s your favorite color?’ And ‘Which country would you really like to visit?’ I’m sure there’s lots of things you’d like to know. ‘What was your favorite subject at school?’ And ‘Who was your worst teacher at school and why?’

      The answers he gives to these first questions will be the basis for further conversation. He can just tell you the answers, he doesn’t have to write them if you’re right there. I’m thinking you could possibly have lots of fun with this kind of thing? What do you think?

    • profile image

      Anonymous 4 weeks ago

      Thank you for the advice LongTomeMother but I unfortunately don’t get the chance to see him ever other weekend or month I one get to see him one a year because he. Lives far away and I have to fly to him I’m with him until January 6 is there anything I can do to improve the relationship before I leave.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 weeks ago from Australia

      I think the best way to reach out to your dad is by email or a letter. That way he'll have time to read it, and think about it, before responding. He won't feel like he's put on the spot or forced to think on his feet. Remember, though, whatever you write is likely to be seen by his wife so don't say anything that's likely to put her offside.

      Perhaps you could say something like 'I know you're really busy and happy with (her name) but I'm hoping you still have room for me in your life.'

      Tell him how much you miss having a close relationship with him, and that there's so many things you wish you could talk to him about now as you're getting older. Ask him if maybe the two of you could go to the movies together every couple of months, or out for dinner where you can both just chat and catch up on each other's news.

      Say, 'I trust (her name) understands that a girl needs her dad. I just want to spend time with you like we used to. Remember what it used to be like between us? I miss that.'

      Hopefully your stepmom will be able to understand your position and will be supportive when your dad shows her your letter. But you won't know unless you try. One of the nice things about a letter is that he will hopefully revisit it more than once (unlike a phone conversation) and even if you don't get an immediate positive response, you might get one in the future.

      I'm expecting he'll melt at the thought of spending some quality father-daughter time with you. If he doesn't he's a fool. Write to him from the heart (but not offending his new wife) and send it. Christmas/New Year is a perfect time to send a card with a personal note written on the inside.

    • profile image

      Anonymous 4 weeks ago

      My dad and I used to have an amazing relationship but it feels like the bond has been broken. My dad left in 6th grade (4 years ago) and the thing is I can’t talk to him how I used to before he left. I went to seeing him every other weekend to seeing him once maybe twice a year if am lucky. I’m a daddy’s girl but I can’t go to my mom because we don’t have a good relationship. I want so badly to have things how they were. He moved to go live with my now step mom and it’s like she is constantly fighting me for his attention. It kills me to not have his attention and I feel like I don’t click in with him anymore. Is there a way to fix this because if there is I’m willing to try and have that relationship fixed?

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 weeks ago from Australia

      Brandon, your mother makes her decisions as an adult. If she chooses to stay with your dad when he treats her badly, that’s her choice. Don’t let her ‘guilt’ you into staying where you are so unhappy.

      Let’s look at this from a long term happiness perspective...

      The sooner you move out (when you’re 18 and finished school), the sooner you’ll be set up and independent with a safe place for your mom to visit. Leaving home doesn’t mean never seeing your mom.

      If she doesn’t want you to move out at 18, maybe she can encourage your father to start making you feel comfortable and ‘welcome’ instead of the way you currently feel. Talk with her and see what she thinks she can do to turn things around. But if your dad won’t change, don’t stress about it. Stick to your plan of moving out. Start saving money and concentrate on getting good grades etc.

      You want to be in as good a position as you can be when you walk out their door. Employable, ready for uni or whatever. If you decide to stay home a bit longer, that’s fine. But I still think you need to be ready for independence if your dad keeps treating you badly.

      No doubt it will help you keep calm over the next few years.

    • profile image

      Brandon 4 weeks ago

      Hi, it's still me. I am very thankful for your help. For a long time, my mom has told me that leaving when I'm 18 is the "American" way to go (because I'm Hispanic) and that that is incorrect and I shouldn't be doing that. The only reason that I can't wait until I'm 18 is that of my stupid dad. But, I feel bad leaving my mom because I love her very much, and it would break my heart to leave her so soon.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Brandon. You’re doing the right thing. Keeping one eye on the future when you’ll be an adult leading your own life is what will get you through. Good strategy. :)

      Over the years I’ve offered kids lots of advice to try and resolve family problems. (If you’re interested, just scroll back. through the comments and you’ll see examples.)

      Sadly, though, many dads just aren’t capable of becoming decent human beings and their kids keep being disappointed. So a plan to create a new life that doesn’t depend on your father for support and happiness is probably the best plan to adopt.

      I hope to see occasional messages from teenagers like you in years to come, telling me how good your life is once you’re away from your father. But if I don’t hear from you (or others like you), I’ll just be hoping that you’re having a great life and too much fun to reflect back on this difficult period.

      And I’ll be immensely happy for you! So study hard now, and work hard later, and laugh and love along the way. It is great fun being an adult!

    • profile image

      Brandon 4 weeks ago

      I am currently 15 and I am so done with the crap of my father. He is the most horrible person alive to me. He has hurt me, kicked me, thrown stuff at me, shoved me, etc. He hates me so much, even though I don't do anything bad. I stay out of trouble and he gets mad at me for everything. If I study, he gets mad that I'm not spending enough time with family and doing chores. If I'm spending time with family and having fun, he gets mad that I'm not studying. He doesn't understand anything. He thinks school here in the US is easy, he thinks I can control everything that I do, I CANT. He even abuses my mom every so often and makes her cry. He is a violent son of a bitch and likes everything done his way. He is such a fucking conservative and you can't have a decent conversation with him because he will always tell you that you're wrong and he is right. He is also very disrespectful. It is so rude to be racist, sexist, and homophobic in today's society, and if what you say is against his beliefs he will yell and cuss and hit you. He complains about everything every single day. He thinks because he has a job and works for money, that we all have to cooperate with everything he says. I hate him so much and I am just waiting for the opportunity when I can leave and start my own adult life. HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING! He doesn't want me to have a social life at all. Just because I text my friends doesn't mean that I don't care about anything.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 weeks ago from Australia

      Holly, at 17 you are poised to create a new life that will only involve your father as often as you choose. As an adult you can take all the power away from him. Yep, this is the turning point for you.

      So please make good sensible decisions and set yourself on a strong positive path for the future.

      Prove the man wrong, and leave him to regret his stupidity. He should have been loving and supportive. But it sounds like he can’t take any credit at all for the fabulous adult you’re about to become. So be proud of yourself for enduring him through your childhood, and don’t waste effort worrying about him in the future.

      Kids like you can turn their lives around and finally feel happy and free. So go for it!

    • profile image

      Holly 4 weeks ago

      My dad makes me feel shit constantly the last time he said 'well done' was when I was 11 I'm now 17 the last time he said 'i love you' was when I was 8 but the last time he told me I was worthless was 3 nights ago the last time he accused me of stealing was today. I hate him. If he died I wouldn't cry anymore. It's made worse because for years I tried to develop a relationship only to be shut down and have my hear broken more each time. I now want him out of my life for good. Any father's that are reading. Don't make the same mistake. You WILL lose your child.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 weeks ago from Australia

      I’m sad you chose to write to me under the name ‘Depression’. I’m hoping you also feel ‘relieved’ and perhaps even ‘free’, although I certainly understand why you’d be feeling sad/depressed. It is tough being the child of a bad dad.

      Your father never should have beaten you, or verbally abused you. It is normal to argue occasionally, but parents have a responsibility to nurture and support their kids.

      I’m trusting you to be a loving parent when your time comes, and never make the kind of mistakes your dad made.

      There’s lots of good people in the world. Surround yourself with people you can trust, and avoid people like your dad. It takes time, but you’ll find you can have a happy and safe life where your dad is just one small part of your life story.

      Don’t be depressed, my friend. The worst is behind you. The best is yet to come!

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 weeks ago from Australia

      I can see why you’re so disappointed in your father, paro, and why you need your mother in your life. All those years sound very lonely and difficult.

      You are 20 now, though, and your childhood years have ended. Time to draw a line under the unhappy childhood years and start your adult life with a fresh, new attitude. Your mother is close by to be supportive, so ask her to help you ‘reinvent’ yourself and become more confident.

      The day will no doubt come when you want to get married, even if you can’t imagine it. Make sure you don’t marry a control freak. With the right partner, you’ll get all the love you need.

      Take your time finding the right partner. First make friends, date a few (and drop those who aren’t ‘the one’) and have fun studying, working and partying.

      You’ve survived your childhood years. Time to enjoy your adult life. Don’t let yourself get caught up in the past. And don’t give your father the power to control your future. Start making your own decisions and create a positive future!

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Marta. One thing I’ve learned in the 40 years I’ve had kids (my youngest is still a teenager) is that parents and their children are going to have clashes at sometime about something. It is a natural part of life.

      But that doesn’t mean a parent isn’t proud of the child. It is a shame, though, that so many parents forget to tell their kids how proud they are (and lots don’t even stop to realise how good their kids are until they grow up and leave home and make their way in the world) which leaves the child feeling bad about themselves.

      So don’t stress about making your dad proud right now. If you’re doing the best you can, that’s all a parent can hope for. For now, I suggest you tell your dad you’re sorry he’s upset but you honestly didn’t do anything that you thought would upset him.

      I like to think you’re smart enough not to be tricked into inappropriate photos, or meeting up with the guy, Marta. That’s the kind of thing your dad will be worried about. You should reassure him you’re being careful.

      But remember, lots of kids end up in trouble via the internet, FaceTime etc so I understand why he is worried. He just needs to learn to talk with you about his concerns. I suggest you start the conversation. Show him you’re ready for a mature discussion. And be prepared to compromise.

    • profile image

      Depression 4 weeks ago

      When I was 10 years old, my dad would always beat me up. I never saw the good in him. He never took good care of me. Sure, he may pay for everything, but all he does is just get all out mad. 2 years later, he teases me. He even called me "plastic".

      A month later, he got arrested and charged for child abuse.

      Thank God that monster was arrested.

    • profile image

      paro 4 weeks ago

      When I was kid I hardly got much of my dad then he send to a different country to my aunt's house for the sake of education at that time I was only 10yrs old. I stayed there for 6yrs those days are worst days of my life then my mother came to stay with me since last 4years. The problem is my father think spending lot of money is the best thing a parent can do. He is a control freak. He never spent time with me and mother when we used to stay together. And after he sent me to my aunt's house he used to visit me once a year for 5 to 6days. Now he visits me and my mom twice a year. He is a business man i can understand he can't stay for a long time to spend holidays but he is not a family man. I have lots of suffering in my life. I need love. My mom is staying with me I really don't want to stay apar from her. Even I don't want to get married. I need lots of love in my life. My father is responsible for all the distress I have in my life. So I hate him.

    • profile image

      Marta Balik 4 weeks ago

      So last night my dad looked through my phone and found the number of a boy i was face timing earlier, he got really mad at me and I'm not sure why. When I asked him said that he gave me some independence and I took advantage of it. But, I don't feel like I did and he is still mad at me and it really is tearing me down. I just want to make him proud but it never seems to working.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 weeks ago from Australia

      Lots of kids feel the way you do, Zazan, and it is wrong of your dad to be making your life so difficult and unpleasant. A cloak of invisibility would be a great invention for kids who want to stay out of sight, but meanwhile you’ll have to look for other solutions.

      Could you maybe join sports teams or other activities that give you an excuse to leave the house? Maybe learn/teach yourself guitar or another instrument and spend hours in your bedroom practising and watching YouTube?

      Perhaps it might be good to become studious and actually spend lots of hours studying in preparation for university and a brilliant career.

      Everyone’s situation is a bit different so these ideas might not work for you right now, but can you think of a way to distance yourself from your dad? Your other option, I guess, is to talk to your dad and ask why he always seems uptight and unhappy.

    • profile image

      Zazan 4 weeks ago

      I hate my dad and I have never missed him. I would happily never see him again. He physically abused my sister and I (and older brother to an even greater extent) when we were young. He never says anything good, only ever complains and gets angry and screams and shouts. He doesn't see the good in anyone and ruins every family dinner, movie, vacation, moment we ever have. He never says anything good or does anything with me. I essentially don't have a father, because I barely see my dad, and when I do, it's all just arguments. I wish I could just disappear.

    • profile image

      Beth 4 weeks ago

      Thanks

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 weeks ago from Australia

      Three cheers for your mom, Beth. That sounds like a great solution.

      I’m guessing the two of you can work together to overcome any future obstacles, and I hope this helps you appreciate your mother more. :)

      But I also want to congratulate you for stepping up and actively trying to protect your little brother. That shows me what a wonderful young woman you are! Now take care of yourself and make sure you are very careful when choosing your own life partner in the future. You can learn from your parents’ mistakes. Best wishes.

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      I forgot how smart my mom is and what she does to keep us as safe as she can, so so while I have been trying to find ways to get him to not go, my mom been finding a way to make him safe. Her idea is that he will stay with our Aunt lorie constantly he will have a sleepover at her place and because my brothers real motive is to see cousins more than it is to see dad this should work. I’m sorry for spamming you with my problems for what’s it been a day or so, ya so sorry. But talking to you has helped me calm down a little like I could find some way to control the situation should I need to. And I really appreciate that. So thank you again

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      Well there is a fifty/fifty chance that he will agree or not I think I’ll wait two days then hint at him the idea. But what if he doesn’t want that anyway, do you have any ideas as to how to approach this subject a little discreetly? That would be helpful.. if not thanks for trying anyway

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      K, thanks!

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 weeks ago from Australia

      I am noticing you and I must have been posting comments at the same time, Beth, so it might look like I don’t read what you write, but I do. :) It is a happy coincidence that I was online at the same time as you, it is after 1 o’clock in the morning here though so I must sleep soon.

      I would like you to read everything we have written to each other again, and then tell me what you would like to happen and how you think I might help you. Do you need hints on getting help from an authority figure?

      I’m thinking the pressing problem might be talking your brother out of wanting to visit your dad. Could you perhaps explain to him he needs to know how to protect himself in case dad gets violent ... so he really should be bigger and stronger before visiting. And, as strange as this might sound, maybe you could get his interest if you suggested he learn some judo or karate first. (Lots of kids like that idea and it might buy you some extra time.)

      You could offer to help him learn, even using YouTube if he can’t go to a class. Tell him by next Christmas he might be really fast and really good at defending himself, which would be the best thing in case dad doesn’t behave himself.

      Anyway, you write to me with your thoughts and I’ll get back to you tomorrow, okay?

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      Yes he stays away unless a child wants to visit

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      I live in Perry Utah yes I want to talk him out of it and no the ten year old is not autstic, just being really dumb right now I mean he put himself in the fridge because he thought it would be a good idea for a hiding place, that was a year ago. So even though this one is not ausitic I am still worried for him although he does have autism he does have ADHD and my dad does not know how to deal with any of our disorders

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 weeks ago from Australia

      I have another question for you, Beth. Is the current big problem caused by your brother wanting to visit your dad? Does your dad stay away except when kids want to visit him?

      So, are you looking for hints on how to talk your brother out of wanting to visit? Would that help?

      Is the 10 year old autistic?

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 weeks ago from Australia

      You must surely have at least one wise and helpful teacher you could talk to? Aren’t any of them helpful and caring?

      I live in Australia, but if you tell me which city/state you live in I will try to find some advice for you about getting help.

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      Yes I am in the U.S

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 weeks ago from Australia

      Yes, it is scary. You need some help. Are you in the US?

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      Yes you would be correct that I’m still in high school, I don’t have trained counseled in my school so they are no help, at this school you just can’t need help and your fine, and no I don’t know a police officer, I live in America/United States

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      Sorry my thoughts are coming in so frazzled, I was still shaking in fear when I woke up. This is scary stuff.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 weeks ago from Australia

      Beth, I don’t know how old you are, but I’m guessing you are still in high school. Panic attacks are no good and you are obviously very stressed about this situation, which is perfectly understandable.

      I think you should go and speak to a senior/head teacher at your school and ask for help. Choose an older lady teacher who you think will be wise enough to offer you good advice. Maybe she’ll go with you to see the Principal, and together you can discuss if there is some kind of authority who can help you and your siblings. What country do you live in?

      I understand this seems like a very big responsibility, but if your mother can’t help you kids, there must be someone who can.

      Your little brother needs protecting. You all do. Can you think of a teacher (or even a lady police officer) who you could turn to for help?

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      Doing an correction in my second comment, *brother, auto correct is really stupid

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      I probably should add that my Dad has PDSD that he won’t get treated for, my brother is autisic and my sister is bipolar we have a very disfunctunal family

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      Yes, my mom knows but she can’t stop him because that would be parental interverce, he is 10 I think, I never can remember. And I mean he chocked my 12 year old brother, and tied up my 14 year old sister. My nether was choked two years ago because that’s how long he’s been gone, and he fought with my papa about leash laws very violently threatening to hit him

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 weeks ago from Australia

      Beth, how old is the little one who wants to visit? And what do you mean when you say your dad ‘hurts’ you/them? Have you talked with your mother about this? Or any other adult you trust?

    • profile image

      Beth 5 weeks ago

      He hurt my little siblings, and harasses my mom about why he can’t come back. And now my only little sibling who hasn’t been hurt by him no matter how many facts I give him still wants to visit him! It is so frustrating. I even had a panic attack

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 weeks ago from Australia

      Not all dads suck, but I understand why you're disappointed in yours. You'll need to be clever and determined to make your way in life without depending on him. It's okay though. You can do it.

      Don't let yourself become bitter and twisted. It is better to accept that you're one of the many who have the obstacle of a bad dad, and do the best you can to make friends you can trust.

    • profile image

      dads suck 5 weeks ago

      i hate my dad he lies he yells and he even cheated on my mom he is a jerk i hate my dad

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 weeks ago from Australia

      I’m so pleased you overcame the obstacles and can follow a clear path for the future.

      You’ve offered some excellent advice (and encouragement) and I hope to see others following your lead. Letting go of the self doubt and insecurities leaves room for confidence and achievement.