With her children's ages spanning 22 years, LongTimeMother has 40 years experience in parenting - including home schooling and foster care.
Why Would I Hate My Dad?
Irrespective of their age, a child or adult who associates hate with their father has a real problem. Whether that problem is abuse, abandonment, or some other issue, the child who hates their father deserves to be heard.
The ideal emotions associated with fathers include love and respect. When a child says "I hate my dad," something is definitely wrong.
Over the past 30 years, I have heard a lot of children explain why they hate their fathers. Here are some of the main reasons, and a few thoughts that might help.
1. Physical, Mental, and/or Emotional Abuse
Some dads abuse their children. No wonder their kids hate them.
I find it hard to imagine that any woman would deliberately choose to have a child with a man who would subject any member of his family to physical, mental, or emotional abuse, but you just have to look at the statistics to see how common abusive relationships are.
When a child says "I hate my dad," it is important to establish if the child is a victim of abuse.
Instead of simply assuming that the seemingly pleasant man we meet in the street or see at work or at church is a good father, we owe it to every child to give them the chance to tell us what their father is really like.
Many children are victims of abuse. Because they do not have the power, knowledge, or ability to resolve an abusive relationship, they require intervention to help resolve the conflict.
If you become aware of a child subjected to abuse or have reason to suspect a child is a victim in their own home, please arrange for intervention.
2. My Dad Makes My Mother Cry
When children see their mother crying, it can be instinct to hate whoever or whatever causes her grief.
You'll hear a child whose mother has cancer say, "I hate cancer." After watching their mother's repeated frustration with an unreliable car, a child will commonly say I hate our car."
Similarly, a child who witnesses their mother's distress during arguments or issues associated with their father is likely to announce that they hate their father.
When parents constantly argue and cannot get along, staying together for the sake of the children can be a mistake. If both parents cannot be happy, pleasant, or at the very least polite and civil to each other, the emotional outbursts in the child's home are likely to generate emotional responses in the child.
Hatred can be one of those emotions.
3. My Dad Is a Control Freak
Many fathers are genuinely surprised to discover their children hate them.
They worked hard to pay the bills, bought the essentials, provided gifts, and paid tuition, and yet, after all their effort and willing contributions, their child as a teenager or young adult announces, "I hate you!"
If you deny your son or daughter the space and freedom to explore, experience, and develop their own individuality in their early years, be prepared for trouble as they mature. Nobody likes a control freak.
Every individual needs a certain amount of space for personal growth. If you try to control every aspect of life, there's no room for a child to develop and discover who they are and what they are capable of.
Sooner or later, they will demand the freedom to be themselves. If they resent the restrictions you placed on them year after year—refusing to allow them to make their own decisions, pursue their interests, and have the power to reject the sports or school subjects they had no interest in but you insisted they pursue—don't be surprised if they hate you.
4. Constant Criticism vs. Supportive Advice
If your expectations are set too high for your child, you are setting your relationship up to fail. Don't confuse constant criticism with supportive advice.
It should be mandatory for parents to regularly tell their children:
- "Well done"
- "Good job"
- "I'm proud of you!"
Every parent needs to learn to bite their tongue and resist the urge to always add "but..."
Over the past 30 years, I have attempted many times to explain to friends of my children that their father doesn't mean to be critical. On every occasion, I have had no option but to agree that the many examples they offer of 'fatherly advice' appear more critical than supportive.
I always point out that it seems inappropriate to hate a father who is trying to do his best, and that there are many other fathers who are more guilty of bad parenting. However, I can't rewrite history, and these kids have had many years of believing they hate their dads.
5. My Dad Makes Me Feel Guilty
Parents can often unwittingly place a child in a difficult position. For example, a child discovers their father is having an affair. This is a surprisingly common problem for teenagers. Do they tell their mother?
- They feel guilty if they don't tell her. Mom's doting on Dad and clearly loves him, but he's cheating on her. She's keeping his dinner warm and making things nice for when he gets home, but all the while the child knows he is with another woman.
- They feel guilty if they do tell her because all the tears and heartache somehow seems to be their fault.
- Or they feel guilty because they didn't tell her when dad eventually leaves her years later, wishing they'd given her a chance to find a new partner when she was still young.
- They feel responsible for the separation when the mother leaves the cheating father.
Either way, a child who suffers the pressure of keeping a secret about their father's affair or the trauma associated with revealing such a secret is likely to end up hating their dad.
6. Hating My Dad Is My Mom's Fault
If you are the mother of a child who rarely sees their dad, make every effort to keep dad alive and well in your child's heart. Their self-esteem can be directly linked to how they believe their dad views them, and a teenager with low self-esteem is more likely to get into trouble.
When negotiating a separation, insist their father send birthday and Christmas cards every year. Also, make sure they agree to accept any phone calls from your child and to always be loving and supportive.
Perhaps the most difficult issue to address is the knowledge that a child's father was violent, irrespective of the circumstances. Somehow the child must be helped to know any trouble was not their fault. Their dad, after all, was the grown up. He should have been able to control himself and make better decisions to protect their relationship.
Encourage your friends and family to resist the urge to speak badly about the child's father in front of them. Of course, it is important to answer their questions honestly, but don't be brutal when dealing with a child's feelings.
Be gentle and thoughtful in your response to a child who genuinely hates their father with good reason.
Sometimes you might just have to admit "It's okay to hate your dad. I'm sorry he wasn't a better dad to you because you deserved the best!"
When parents separate, there is no excuse for a child to feel abandoned. If you were actively involved in the child's conception, you have a responsibility to show an active interest in the child's development.
Fathers who are guilty of ignoring their children generally pay the price when the child grows older. Instead of having the company and support of their adult child in later years, it is Dad's turn to be ignored.
Mothers who stand in the way of a child having a healthy relationship with their dad simply because the adults have argued and are hurting are equally guilty of causing abandonment issues for the child.
Children need to feel loved and valued. I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give a child is to speak highly of their father—even if it is difficult to think of nice things to say. Mothers should encourage positive sentiments regarding a child's father, regardless of the parents' relationship status and level of friendliness.
"I'll bet your dad would be proud of you if he could see you today" is a wonderful gesture to a young child whose father lives far away. By hearing reference to their dad in positive conversations during their early years, a child can grow up feeling as though their father is interested in them even if they are not present or actively involved.
Of course, a phone call from dad or the chance to phone him after special events is even more helpful. When parents separate, they shouldn't "divorce" their child.
Don't Shut the Child Down
My first response to anyone who says “I hate my dad” is to ask the question “Why?”
It is wrong for us to assume that we know more about the situation than the speaker. Too often, a child who claims to hate their father is silenced quickly without anyone bothering to ask why.
Generally, someone interjects with, “No, you don't.”
Often it is the child's mother, trying to smooth ruffled feathers and prevent further conflict.
Bad Dad Compared to Other Fathers
Any father can give the impression they don't love or care about their child when:
- other dads attend sporting events to watch their children play, but you don't
- other dads spend time going fishing or playing ball with their kids, but you don't
- other dads talk and laugh with their children, but you don't
- other dads tell their kids they love them, but you don't
- other dads seem like "real" dads, but you don't
If you don't express your love for your child both verbally and demonstrably, don't be surprised if they don't express love for you either.
If your child thinks, rightly or wrongly, that you hate them, there is every possibility they will mirror that emotion and hate you right back.
If you hate your dad ...
A Hated Dad Has to Redeem Himself
Cross your fingers and hope that your child grows into an adult who can see and respect your efforts to do the right thing. If your child hates you now but you honestly believe you don't deserve it, keep trying to reach out. One day they'll have a lot of questions, and you'll want to have the right answers.
- If you are getting a divorce, address the specific ways you want to be involved with your child as part of the divorce settlement—and stick to the agreement.
- If you're having an affair, admit it to your wife. Then tell your child you are to blame, and they have no reason to feel as though the divorce was their fault.
- Send birthday cards and gifts even if you know your ex-wife won't pass them on. When they are older you'll want to be able to look your child in the eye and say, "I sent you a card and a present every year. I'm sorry if your mother didn't give them to you."
Let your grown child decide how they feel about you once they have the facts. But until then, don't blame them if they don't know what's really going on. You can't blame a child if they hate you. You have to earn their respect and deserve their love.
How to Be a Better Dad
If you want to be a better dad to your kids than you've been before, identify where you have been going wrong and take steps to change it—ask your children and listen to what they have to say.
Spend Quality Time with Your Kids
One of the most obvious areas for improvement for many fathers is the amount of quality time you spend with your child. First, you have to get your head around what quality time actually means.
Kids who hate their dads may have had a father who spent a great deal of time at home—but how much time did he actually spend paying attention to the child? Watching the television or entertaining your adult friends don't count just because your child was in the room.
Fathers who have to force themselves to set specific times aside when their child becomes the center of their universe (instead of genuinely being pleased their son or daughter wants to spend time with them) ask, "How do you do that?"
It is not so difficult, particularly if you have the right attitude. The hardest part might be turning your phone off, but phone calls are interruptions and should be avoided.
- Read a book aloud from beginning to end.
- Play a board game.
- Play outdoors until a pre-designated time.
- Set a task and complete it together.
- Have fun together until their favourite TV show begins.
- Go fishing until it is time to go home for lunch.
- Play Paper, Rock, Scissors until the school bus arrives.
- Dance like crazy people until it is time for you to go to work... and then dance out the door and out to the car. Kids love stuff like that.
The most important element of any of these suggestions is the natural completion point. Have you ever noticed how many fathers spend too much time trying to bring activities to an end? Then, because it is such a hassle, they don't bother starting another activity in the future.
Get Involved in Your Children's Lives
If you are a father who has disappointed your children too many times for them to even bother asking or expecting you to spend time with them, you are in serious trouble. Before you know it, your sons and daughters will be fully grown and they will probably leave you out of their lives, just as you are ignoring them now.
Reach out to your children and make a serious effort to be a better dad.
- Suggest a game or activity (with a natural completion point) and make sure you both enjoy the experience.
- Get to know each other.
- Ask each child about their friends, school, and sporting activities.
- Tell them about your childhood, and share jokes and fun stories.
- Smile. Laugh. Play.
- And don't forget to listen.
You should know the names of each child's best friends, what sports they play, which days they play them, the teachers and subjects they like most at school, any problems they have, and any challenges they face.
A good dad knows all about their kids' lives and gets involved in them.
If you haven't attended at least a few games each sport season, arrived early enough to watch your kids in their dance or karate class, and offered to take each child and a friend for a movie or a meal a few times in the past year, you'd better start doing those things now.
When Children Become Adults
I believe it is important to remind every child that the time will come when they can leave home and live without the fear of what mood their father will be in when he comes home at night.
Anyone who is able to endure their childhood years will have a chance at making a fresh start and deciding just where their father will fit in their future lives. Kids grow up.
If you want your kids to love you, not hate you, you need to make the kind of memories they'll remember fondly as they look back on their childhood. Spend time with your kids and enjoy each other's company.
Unless, of course, you know you can't be trusted near your children and they have good reason to hate you. In which case... stay away.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: My dad calls me names like fat, ugly and b*tch. I struggle with my weight, and I am very unhappy with my looks. When he talks to me this way, it makes me want to take more extreme measures to look what is considered pretty.
My mom also struggles with her looks, and was diagnosed with depression. He says the same things to her, and I hate his effect on us. I tell him I hate what he says, but he laughs and starts to whistle to himself. How can I get him to stop?
Answer: You might not be able to change how your father behaves, but you can change your own attitude and, in turn, change him a little.
When he calls you names, ask him 'Would you like people to speak to you like that?' Sometimes say things like, 'Look in the mirror, dad' when he tells you you're angry, or "If I were happy at home, perhaps I wouldn't be," when he calls you a b*tch.
I honestly think you should approach your father with an attitude of sport or a challenge, and make replying to him kind of fun for you. Don't let him depress you, and don't consider extreme measures to try and look 'pretty.' Instead, start building your confidence by standing up to your father. Not in fights, but with words.
So when he laughs inappropriately, say "That's not funny, dad. By your age, I thought you'd understand that."
Or, "You're the only one who is laughing. Can't you see how cruel you are?" Sometimes fathers need the obvious pointed out to them. So try pulling him up every time he makes you feel self-conscious. Tell him if he encouraged you, you'd be more likely to be able to lose weight. 'Meanwhile, I spend too much effort just trying to get through the day putting up with your rudeness.'
As his behavior improves, start having some fun together. You don't want to remain battling with him longer than necessary.
Question: My dad is a total control freak. He controls everyone in the house. He targets me the most, and assumes that I do things that I don’t. He is always depriving me of something, physically, socially or emotionally. My father is very inconsiderate. He acts in such a condescending way, and believes that he should receive respect just because he is a father. I hate being at home with him, and I wish that he could just disappear or start being supportive. How do I cope with this?
Answer: I’ve often written at length to other kids with the same kind of family problems. I suggest you read through the hundreds of comments at the bottom of this article. You’ll see I’ve given a lot of suggestions for coping with difficult dads.
Question: I have a complicated relationship with my dad. So my dad is cheating on my disabled mom. I found out through his phone. I'm afraid and confused. Should I tell this to my mom? She's not independent, and neither am I. It hurts to act like everything's fine. I haven't told anyone because I think it will be a painful for everyone. Lately, my dad makes it really obvious, and I find myself kind of protecting him. I just don't want anyone to know. It will damage our family. But it hurts me. What can I do in this situation?
Answer: You are in a challenging position, and I’m sorry there’s no simple solution. I don’t know why you were looking in your dad’s phone, but you should stay away from it. Here’s what I’m thinking...
If your mom is disabled and can’t earn an income without your dad, what’s she going to do? If your dad treats her well (apart from cheating on her), she’s probably happy how things are. And if your dad doesn’t mistreat you, I’m not sure there’s anything to be gained from telling her.
I want you to try and get your head around this, without messing with your sense of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ because you obviously have a moral backbone and that’s good. But life is complicated so here’s what I want you to think about.
Your dad may still love your mother. But maybe she’s not meeting his emotional or physical needs, and so he’s cheating on her. But he hasn’t left her. Perhaps he’s just coping the best way he can.
Your mother might already know your dad’s cheating. You figured it out, so there’s every likelihood she has as well. But it would probably break her heart if she knew that you knew.
You’re the child. They’re the adults. They are probably both trying to protect you from harsh realities and keep life ‘normal’ so you can go to school and grow up without any more drama than is necessary.
If you confront your mother or your father you will completely change the dynamic within your home. If you bring his cheating out into the open air, your parents will have no way to continue the way they are now.
Should you ‘protect’ your father? No. Should you tell your mother? No. Should you touch your father’s phone? Never!
I believe you should be concentrating on studying and having fun with your friends as well as being an active, helpful member of your family. Don’t get involved in the dynamics of your parents’ relationship. Just concentrate on staying out of trouble, so things don’t get any more difficult than they already are.
I understand that you don’t trust your dad, but if he’s doing his best to support you and your mom, you have to give him some credit for that mentally. We don’t know what the future holds but you should not lose sight of the good parts of how life is in the ‘now.’
Question: My son has hated me ever since he got married, and I don’t know why. Can you help?
Answer: If your son has actually said he hates you, ask him why. You’re both adults; you should be able to talk. But I suspect perhaps you feel like he hates you because you see much less of him. Yes, it is nice that you miss your son’s company, but he’s a married man now with a whole new set of priorities. If you try to compete with his new wife for attention, I’ll bet his wife wins. You need to get used to your new role.
Go for quality, not quantity when interacting with your son from now on. Respect his commitment to his marriage, and look forward to being a grandfather. That’s when you’re likely to see more of your son. Most kids love seeing their grandparents, and your son will suddenly have more in common with you.
Question: My dad is a control freak. Is there some way that he will stop?
Answer: Try showing him (and reminding him) that you are responsible. Ask him to give you the chance to develop your skills without always ‘helping’ you.
Question: I’m not sure if my relationship with my dad can actually get better. He never spends time with us, but I hate him so much that I don’t even want anything to do with him. He vapes in the house and lies about it, even though I’ve tried everything to get him to stop, and I’m glad when he’s not home cause I don’t even want to see him. I have to force myself to answer when he does talk to me. How can things get better if he refuses to change, and refuses to admit his faults?
Answer: Okay, now I don’t know the full story but if your dad ‘vaping’ is the worst thing he does, I think you need to reassess the concept of ‘hate’. Read some of the stories in the comments section below and see if you really believe your dad deserves to be hated. I’m thinking you should try and see some of his good qualities, and be prepared to accept some of his faults. Nobody is perfect and there’s a possibility you might be expecting a bit too much of your dad.
Question: I feel like my dad doesn't love or care about me. I see other kids that are happy, and they spend time with their parents. I do stuff right, but he still finds a way to yell at me. He tells me not to eat, which makes me want to starve to death. I can't have friends without him making racist comments. I can't do anything in his mind, and I wish that my dad would care and love me as other dads love their children. Why is my dad like this?
Answer: I’m so sorry you’re one of the millions of kids with a dad who is really hard to live with. I know it doesn’t seem fair. Your father is teaching you what NOT to do with your own kids when you are older.
Please remember to make mental notes so you’re a better parent than your dad.
Meanwhile, you have no choice but to cope the best you can. You need to be mature enough to know how and when to ignore your father.
Your mission is to avoid clashing with your father if you can and look after yourself until you’re old enough to leave home and start having fun as a young adult.
You have to eat. Feed your body and your brain. There’s nothing to be gained from starving yourself. Just more trouble, more hassles, and more mental and emotional anguish. You don’t want to make things worse than they are.
Study and prepare yourself for some kind of great career where you make plenty of money as an adult.
Make friends and value their friendship, even if you can’t invite them to your home when your dad’s there. Maybe you can visit their homes instead, especially if they’re lucky enough to have good dads.
My husband is the kind of dad all kids wish they had, and he always welcomes our kids’ friends. They can visit, share meals, and stay the night with us.
I’m a mother who deliberately set out to create a very different home for my kids, compared to the unhappy home I was raised in. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to visit friends or have kids come to visit. My family home felt like a prison, and I can’t honestly remember my parents ever laughing.
But my home now I’m an adult is filled with love and laughter. It’s great!! I always end phone calls with my adult kids (and the one remaining teenager) with ‘Love you!’ which is something never said in my childhood home.
I want you to make it your long-term goal to be a happy, loving adult with your own happy, loving kids with a happy, loving partner, just like I have.
You just have to survive the miserable years of living in your childhood home before you get to the fun and excitement that’s waiting for you.
You can do it, just like I did and millions of other kids in the same unfortunate position. I’m sure it feels like it will take ‘forever’ to become independent, but before you know it you’ll be as old as I am, and your unhappy childhood will just be a distant memory. Eat, study, stay strong, and dream of your happy future!
Question: My dad is actually a good person, but he has high blood pressure. He gets mad at the simplest things and hurts my mom and I verbally, and physically towards my mom. Even though I know it is because of his health condition, some of his words are still intolerable. What should I do?
Answer: Your mother should discuss the issue with her doctor and ask for ideas about any links between medication and behaviour. If his anger can be controlled by more (or less) meds, your mother needs to drive the change.
Question: So one day my sister and I were playing on our laptops, and my dad came in and laid in my bed. We asked him where mom was, and he started screaming at us really loudly. I was so scared that I started crying when he left, but I yelled at him too because I was just asking where mom is. I didn’t say anything bad. What do you think of this situation?
Answer: Sometimes dads might sit on their child's bed while talking to them. But when a dad lies 'in' their daughter's bed, that's a bit creepy, isn't it? I think you were right to ask where your mom was. There's no reason why he should have been yelling at you.
I want you to talk to your mother about that event. Tell her exactly what happened and that you were scared. She shouldn't be cross with you. I'm expecting her to talk with your dad and tell him that was no way to behave, and that he should stay out of your room. All kids need their privacy and their 'safe space,' which should be your bedroom.
I don't know what your father was thinking, but I'm proud of you for spotting the problem. Now talk to your mother and if she's not able to tell him to stay out of your room, talk with your grandparents or other relatives who might be able to speak with him and tell him that it is not appropriate for dads to go into their daughter's bedrooms, and especially not their beds.
If your father comes into your bedroom again, you should leave it. Just walk out the door. And, if you father scares you, I think you should be asking your mother not to leave you girls at home alone with him. If she's going shopping, she should take you kids with her. It is better to avoid any future conflict if you can.
Question: In order to save mum and the rest of my life, should I kill my dad?
Answer: You know as well as I do that violence is not the answer. It would ruin any chance you'd have a happy life in the future. And how do you think your mother would feel? She’d blame herself as you’re sitting in jail. All you’ll have achieved is creating much more misery for yourself and your remaining family. You have stop dwelling on a ‘movie’ reaction and start thinking about ‘reality.’ Let’s look at some of your other options.
- Report him to the police.
- Ask grandparents or other relatives to help you.
- Run away. You and your mother could just leave him.
- Find out if there’s a Women’s Refuge or another type of charity organisation for mothers and children in your situation. Lots of places have them.
I don’t know how old you are or what your circumstances are, but it would be MUCH better to escape from your father and start a new life. Even if it takes years to set up somewhere else and get back to having all the possessions you leave behind, you’ll be free and able to have fun along the way. No such thing as fun and freedom in prison!
Write to me more. Use the Comments section at the bottom of this article, and you’ll get more space to tell me what’s going on. I’ll happily share thoughts with you, and we’ll see if we can come up with a plan to get you and your mum away from your dad. Tell me about him, and yourself. I’m not emotionally involved in the problem so I should be able to help you step back and consider a different way to deal with it.
Question: My dad is the worst dad ever. He doesn't spend time with me, and he always yells at me. It was my birthday, and I didn't get anything. I have so much anger I just want to explode every time I see him. What should I do?
Answer: Oh, my friend, unfortunately, you are just one of many, many children with 'the worst dad ever.' I truly understand why you are disappointed and angry, especially if he doesn't make a special effort on your birthday. However, unfortunately, we are pretty much stuck with the dad we get. Can't trade him for a new one (unless your parents get divorced, and your mother remarries, but that's a completely different story.)
The question is really what you can do about the anger you feel you want to release every time you see him? The good news is, it is possible to manage anger. Let's talk about that.
You have to accept that your dad is a dud. He's not the father you'd like to have, and we both know he's not likely to change. You can't change him, but you can change yourself.
This might sound kind of heartless to anyone with a doting, loving dad, but I'm guessing you'll understand exactly what I mean when I say I want you to care less about him. Don't care so much and you won't get so angry.
There is really no point wasting time and energy obsessing about what a disappointment your dad is. Instead of worrying about not spending time with him and not getting gifts from him, just try to ignore him. I know he's probably going to keep yelling at you from time to time, but don't give him the power to upset you. Don't expect him to do fun things with you, and don't expect him to be your greatest supporter.
To be perfectly honest, you can become a brilliant and successful adult without having a perfect dad. Of course, it would be nice to have one, but if that's not your reality, you'll just have to work with what you've got. I'm guessing you have other relatives who might help fill the gap if you give them a chance.
And there's a never-ending list of other things you can focus on, instead of your dad. Take up learning a musical instrument or writing songs. Play a sport, or join a drama group. Read a gazillion books and one day become a writer. Throw yourself into schoolwork and study, and achieve something brilliant career-wise when you are older.
You'll make lots of friends over the coming years, and some of them will no doubt be older folk who become like a 'father figure.' When you're old enough to have kids of your own, there will be other men in your life who can be like a loving grandfather figure.
There's no point being angry. If you can't work 'with' your dad, just work 'around' him. Then, when you're an adult, you can leave him behind you and let him reflect on all the mistakes he made while you were growing up. Lots of adults have good relationships with their mothers and very little (or nothing) to do with their fathers. Mind you, lots of happy and successful adults have nothing to do with either of their parents. Get on with living your life and keeping one eye on the future. Your future can be great. Don't let your dad spoil that. You need to make the decision today that you're going to be a happy adult, despite having a dud dad as you were growing up.
Question: My dad complains about everything. He doesn’t cook or clean, is selfish, doesn’t help my mum financially, won’t leave because he won’t cook for himself, and doesn’t listen. My mum is struggling as she does with everything. What should we do? What can we do?
Answer: I understand it frustrates you, but it worries me when kids feel they need to parent their parents. They’re the adults; you’re the child. I believe you should be telling your mother to talk with her friends, her family or even go online.
You should concern yourself with study and friends and developing skills that will help with your future. Your mother is the one who should be focusing on creating a better home environment for you. That’s her responsibility. I don’t want to sound mean, but she needs to be the grown-up, not you. Encourage her to talk with other adults.
Question: My dad is a control freak. He won't let me play any other sports than the one he has signed me up for. He is manipulative. He will tell me that if I love him I will give him a foot massage or he'll guilt trip me and my mom. He thinks he knows everything, he has hit my mom multiple times, and my mom says the only way I can have a relationship with him is if I please him and I don't want a relationship like that. What do I do?
Answer: I can see how frustrating this must be for you. I'll address the issues separately in the hope I can offer you some advice to help. Having to tolerate a difficult father is a sad reality for many children, They don't like him, but they have to put up with him. So the very first thing I want you to remember is you are not the only one to suffer the frustration of having a dad like yours. And with that thought, I want you to be conscious of the fact that many millions of kids survive their childhood and then, when they are old enough, they move out and have little (or nothing) to do with their fathers. So even in the most difficult times I want you to remember you're going to get through it.
Your dad has signed you up for one sport so he obviously doesn't have a problem with the concept of you playing sport. You have to figure out a way to make another sport seem like a good idea (to him) so get creative. What would appeal to him? For instance, does he watch a sport you'd like to play on tv, or have a favorite team? Do people who are good at the sport you like make lots of money when they become professional? Would your dad respond well to the idea of you playing more sport to become more fit and healthy? Or might you be able to suggest more physical activity could help you with your studies because it helps you feel more 'settled' when you sit down with the books? If he's a control freak, maybe you should show an interest in two or more sports that appeal to you, and let him be the one who picks which of those sports you should choose.
Two can play the 'if you love me' game. When your dad says 'If you love me, you'll give me a foot massage', you could smile and say 'And if you love me, you'll let me (fill in the gap).' This is a time you could mention playing another sport or some other thing you're hoping to achieve. Perhaps it is a chance to negotiate a deal. If he lets you play your new sport once a week, you'll give him a foot massage once a week.
Now if you really hate giving foot massages, you could forget about my last suggestion and say, instead, 'No, you don't have to massage my smelly feet and I'm not going to massage yours. I will, however, play you a game of Scrabble (or backgammon, or cards or whatever.) That should take your mind off your sore feet.'
If you have spare cash, you could buy a cheap plastic basin (long and square, good for holding feet because a round bucket is no good for the job) plus a packet of soaking suds / bath salts so he can soak his feet in a warm relaxing foot bath. Present it to him as a 'solution' to his sore feet with no further need to expect you to give foot massages.
A guilt trip is emotional blackmail. Don't fall for it. If he says he works hard to pay the bills and put food on the table, thank him for it. 'Yes, and we're very grateful. But we're your family, and that doesn't mean we have to be your slaves.'
You say your dad hits your mom. Your mother should be doing something to address that problem. It shouldn't fall on her child to intervene. However, there's one thing I will suggest you try. Probably not in the heat of a fight between your parents, but in a cool and calm moment when your father is being reasonable and you think you can talk with him. Just calmly ask him, 'How can I respect a man who hits my mother?' Take it gently. Point out to him it frightens you and it frightens your mom. And he's your dad and her husband. He's supposed to love you both. And because he's your dad, you want to respect him and have a good relationship with him ... but if he's going to be violent, that's going to be impossible.
See what he says. You might be able to chip away at his bad behavior and turn him into a nicer man.
Question: Why do parents beat children?
Answer: It should never be necessary to beat a child. Parents who beat their children are ignorant and stupid. Perhaps it is the way that they themselves were raised, but that's no excuse.
I believe every child who was beaten remembers how dreadful it feels, so if your parents are beating you I think you should talk with them. Tell them you will try to do your best if they just talk to you and explain what they think is a problem. Tell them you're sorry if they were beaten as children, but beating you will only make you hate them, and you don't want to hate them.
Then try your best to show them that 'talking' to you is far more effective in changing your behavior than beating you.
Question: Whenever my dad gets home from work, I think, “Oh, great. How will this go?” It’s because of my anxiety. It’s so bad sometimes that I don't know who to trust. What am I to do?
Answer: It must be incredibly difficult being so anxious. Can you imagine waking up each morning and viewing every day as a new adventure? Because that’s what life is if you can let go of the anxiety and fear. Life is a fantastic journey with highs and lows, good days and bad days.
I think you should start by trying to figure out when / where / why your anxious feelings first began.
I’m wondering why you have trust issues, and why you can’t be confident that everything will be okay when your dad gets home from work.
Perhaps your dad has a bad temper, or he behaves irrationally or inappropriately. If that’s the case, I suggest you talk with your mother. And if you want to talk with me more about exactly what’s going on with your dad, start a conversation with me in the Comments section at the bottom of this article. There’s lots of space there for us to chat back and forth.
If you get anxious and can’t trust your dad, that’s a definite problem. But it has become a bigger problem if that fear has spread to include everyone else in your life.
Or maybe you can identify some other person or event associated with your earliest anxiety attacks. Perhaps your relationship with your father has changed as you’ve become more broadly anxious, not necessarily because of anything specific he did.
You know I’m not a doctor or a psychologist, so I’m not going to make the kind of suggestions a doctor might make. I’ll just share a few of my thoughts, in the hope they help. Sometimes we just need help to make sense of things, and to change our view of a problem. So here goes ...
Let me ask you a couple of questions.
If you were bitten by a dog, would you be frightened of all dogs? Or would you be frightened of that particular breed or the specific dog?
If your first boyfriend (or girlfriend) lets you down and breaks your heart, do you think it makes sense to ‘hate’ all men/women? Or perhaps everyone who looks like your former partner, has similar interests, or supports the same football team?
Or do you think it is far more logical and reasonable just to blame your former partner for your broken heart; the one who actually disappointed you?
When it comes to trusting people in general, I think you should ask yourself questions like these.
Yes, I’m sure you’ve been hurt before when someone you trusted let you down. But you can’t blame the whole world for that. It makes no sense to be suspicious and fearful of everyone.
I suggest you spend some time trying to figure out who (or what) is your real fear ... and distancing everything else, so there’s no confusion.
If you can’t overcome the anxiety by thinking it through for yourself, I encourage you to go and see a doctor or a therapist.
Again I remind you, I’m happy to chat in the Comments section if you like.
Question: What do I do when my dad blames everything on me and says it's all my fault?
Answer: I often wonder if parents are aware that they’re making their kids feel as though everything is their fault. Maybe you should ask him, "Are you saying that everything that’s wrong with your life is my fault? Because that’s how you make me feel."
I like to think he’ll be man enough to admit that’s not the case. I think you’ll find he’s frustrated by any one of some issues, including employment or a sense of being a failure in some (or many) aspects of his life. Sadly though, he might not be able to voice that to you. Often people who are ‘hurting’ lash out at the people who are closest to them, and easy targets. So here’s a few more thoughts for you:
You could try saying, "If you’re unhappy with someone at work, I wish you’d take it out on them, not me."
Or. "Are you angry at me because of what I did? Or are you just angry about something else? Because I don’t see how what I did is such a big deal."
If you help your dad see that he’s misdirecting his anger, he might try to change. (But even if he doesn’t change, I hope you can see he’s blaming you for things that aren’t your fault. So don’t take it to heart when he blames you.)
You don’t want to make things worse than they already are, but some dads stop and think when their child asks, "Do you blame me for mom getting pregnant? You becoming a father had nothing to do with me, so you should blame yourself."
The most important thing to remember if you decide to challenge your father (or even if you don’t challenge him) is that people say words that hurt us ... but they hurt most when said by people we care about.
If your dad keeps hurting you with his words, make a conscious effort to care less. By that, I mean ‘care less about what your dad says’ and just get on with your life. Never stop caring about yourself, and never stop doing your personal best. Whether your dad approves or not, you’re going to grow up and be the best adult you can be. So concentrate on your own future and becoming a parent who doesn’t blame their kids.
Question: My dad is super sweet, but he does not do any business as he shut it down due to a terrible loss. My mom runs our family. I hate him because he doesn't support my mother or our family financially. What should I do?
Answer: If your dad is super sweet, you should love him and appreciate him for that. It is wrong in so many ways to say you 'hate' your dad just because he doesn't support your family financially right now.
Make an effort to build up his confidence, so he tries another business or gets a job working for someone else. Instead of making him feel worse about himself for failing in the past, I think you should encourage your sweet dad to look forward to a more prosperous future.
Question: Do fathers not care about their children or family when addicted to meth?
Answer: Sadly, children and families tend to be among the victims of the chaos and harm that comes with addiction to substances like meth.
Question: My dad makes me feel like rubbish and I want to kill myself. He abuses me physically, verbally and emotionally. What should I do?
Answer: You should ask people for help. Your mother, your grandparents, teachers or parents of friends. Keep asking until you get help. But don’t harm yourself. There’s so much fun to be had when you’re older, and people out there in the world who are waiting to meet you. You have to get through these tough years to reach the fun and rewards you’ll have as an adult.
Question: My dad never loves my mom and me. He always threatens us for no reason. When he is at home, he keeps chatting with other people (especially ladies). My mom doesn't like that, and when she asks about it, he starts swearing. It makes us feel bad. We can complain to police but to keep his image good in society, we don't. So please suggest what we should do?
Answer: I'm not sure if the police would get involved unless your father is actively violent towards you or your mom. But if he is violent, you should certainly go to the police.
If your dad is so concerned about keeping his image good in society, perhaps your mom (or your grandparents) could have a talk with him about improving his behavior at home. If he wants to be viewed as a nice and respectable man, he should behave himself at home. The truth has a way of catching up with us all, and one day people will know what he's really like.
Question: My dad always nags me. He is really irrational, and thinks that he knows what I'm thinking. I try to explain things to him, and he either thinks there is something wrong with me or becomes even more irrational. It hurts me (emotionally), and it happens quite often recently. What should I do?
Answer: Try telling your dad, "You know I’m going to grow up to be me, don’t you? You can’t expect me to grow up and be another you."
It sounds to me like your dad needs reminding that kids need guidance, but they also need ‘space’ to form their own opinions and discover their own strengths and weaknesses. Tell him that instead of nagging you, it would be really helpful if he’d be willing to answer your questions, and let you talk so you can get your head around things that you’d like to discuss.
You can give me more clues (like your age) and carry on the conversation with me in the Comments section at the bottom of this article, if you like.
Question: My dad never stops shouting at me. I usually spend the day in my room doing normal teenage stuff, which seems normal as I'm a teenager. But it seems like a problem to my father. He storms into my room and starts shouting way to close to my ear that I need to spend my time watching tv with him. He then proceeds to literally destroy my room to see what I was doing. Yesterday he broke the last present one of my best friends gave me before she died in a car accident. I'm desperate. Can you help me?
Answer: If your dad knew it was a present from your friend who died and he deliberately broke it, he is cruel beyond belief. If he broke it by accident, knowing that should be enough reason for him to stop. He can’t expect to destroy your possessions and have you just accept that as normal. It isn’t.
I think you should have a talk with your father. Tell him you’re never going to forget he broke your friend’s gift and if he doesn’t want you to hate him, he has to stop yelling at you and destroying your room.
Tell him if he really wants you to watch something on tv with him, he should come to your bedroom door and invite you, in a civilized fashion like most fathers do.
If he does make the effort to ‘ask’ you, I hope you’ll make the effort to join him. Then politely return to your room. I’m hoping you can create a new ‘normal’ where you both treat each other with respect.
Question: My father recently died and I have feelings of hate for him. All of his friends are saying he was such a great guy, but I feel that was a lie when it came to me. What's wrong with me?
Answer: There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. They didn’t know your dad the way you did. Your dad made his decisions and left you feeling bad about him. That’s his fault, not yours. Put it behind you and concentrate on creating a bright, new future for yourself. You have learned lessons from your relationship with your father. Don’t make the same mistakes when you have your own kids.
Question: I do not hate my dad, but I hate my stepmom. She controls my dad, and I hate that. I hate that a lot. What should I do?
Answer: Your dad married another woman. I understand it is disappointing for you, but that was his choice.
So she’s now your stepmom. That was your dad’s choice as well. He knew when he married her that she’d have that role in your life.
Your stepmom ‘controls’ your dad. Guess what. That’s your dad’s choice as well. He’s obviously happy with that or it wouldn’t be happening.
So I’m going to encourage you to stop hating your stepmother. Why? Because I suspect she makes your father happy, even though you might not be seeing it.
If your dad feels comfortable being ‘controlled’ by your stepmom, you have to respect that. Perhaps he tells you he doesn’t like it because he thinks that’s what you want to hear. Or maybe you can see he’s fine with it but it just annoys you.
Either way, your dad has chosen to marry a woman you think is controlling. And yes, she may well be. But don’t hate her for it.
This is the woman who is likely to be keeping your dad company when he’s old and you’re busy leading your own adult life. It is good that he has a partner he loves who loves him. Even if she is controlling.
Please respect their right to have the kind of relationship that makes them happy. The time will come when you choose a life partner and you’re going to expect your family to respect your choice.
If your stepmom is not causing you harm, I can’t see any reason why you should hate her.
Question: My dad won’t let me go to the best party in the entire school because he’s working. Out of everyone, only my friend's father can take me. My dad won’t let me go because he doesn’t trust my friends’ dad. What can I do?
Answer: See if someone’s mother can drive you. Otherwise, see if your friend’s dad will phone your dad to say that his child has asked him to provide a lift for you, and then ask him if that’s helpful. Sometimes, men have more trouble saying "no" to other men. Especially if they appear helpful and responsible.
Question: My dad just told me that he wouldn't care if my brother or I died. Should I do something?
Answer: I don’t understand how any father could say such a thing. Was he drunk or on drugs? That makes no sense to me.
You ask me if you should do something. Yes, I think you should. I think you need to discuss this with your mother and your grandparents and anyone else you can think of who has an interest in your father’s mental health because that doesn’t sound normal at all.
I can’t tell if you are frightened or just disappointed. If you are frightened, tell people and ask for help.
Please talk to adults who know you and your dad. If you think you and your brother are unsafe around him, insist you be allowed to stay with other family or friends.
You need to take care of yourself.
Question: My 14-year-old daughter states she hates her Dad but says he’s done nothing wrong. She won’t talk or answer him when he asks her questions. She doesn’t want to be in the same room and even goes the roundabout way in the house to avoid him. She will ask me to tell him about her day, but when I start to tell him, she corrects me and takes over telling her Dad. They talk and laugh briefly and then she leaves and continues to ignore him. Do you have any ideas what’s going on?
Answer: It could be one of a number of things. At 14 kids seem to feel the need to have the same problems as their friends. If her friends are avoiding their fathers, she might be doing the same thing so that she has a story to tell. Maybe it’s ‘cool’ in her group to hate their fathers.
If I were you I’d be asking ‘Do you hate all men or just your dad?’ If she says all men, you need to figure out why. If she says ‘Just dad,’ you might have a problem.
‘There must be a reason. It wouldn’t be fair to hate your father without reason. So tell me. Should I hate him too?’
Give her a chance to talk. Keep asking, ‘Anything else?’ Tell her if she hates him you need to understand why. If there’s no immediate problem revealed, tell her you hope she’s going to either talk to you properly soon so you can understand or mellow out and stop the drama.
You could say, ‘The time is going to come in your life when you’ll look back at being 14 and wish you did things differently. So if you think you’re making some mistake right now, now is the time to change it. If you hate your dad, tell me why. If you don’t really hate him, it is time to stop acting like you do. It really isn’t fair to him or me.’
Question: My friend and his wife were in a bad accident, and his wife died in his arms. His older kids in their 20's are blaming him for her death, but it was the semi’s fault. Now his kids won't have anything to do with him. What should he do?
Answer: The kids are grieving the loss of their mother. Maybe they think their dad is responsible somehow for being on the road at the time of the accident, or for some other obscure reason. We all know grief messes with logic, and perhaps it is messing with the dad’s logic as well.
Perhaps the older kids don’t actually their blame dad for mom’s death. It might just be too ‘hard’ and painful to see him right now, particularly if they’re not used to seeing him broken and crying. Or perhaps they need to be ‘holding it together’ while dealing with their own work or studies.
If you’re a family friend, try to gently remind the adult kids that dad has to live with what happened. If he’d died, they’d be grieving his loss, but he didn’t. It seems unfair to make him feel guilty for surviving.
However, don’t lose sight of the fact the kids are in an emotional whirlpool right now. Everybody’s hurting; there’s no right and wrong. With time emotions won’t be so raw and hopefully, the dad and kids will be able to talk and understand each other better.
Question: I hate my dad. I wish he could die then everyone here would be happy. My dad cheats on my mom; he abuses her calling her bogus, stupid, etc. then he comes during our family fellowship preaching purity, goodness, and pretends to be pure. The only reason we need him is because of his money (that's all he is good for). He tells me he loves me, but I hate him. Is it bad to hate him?
Answer: If your dad says he loves you, I’m guessing you can talk with him. You haven’t mentioned dad being violent, and that’s a good thing. So why don’t you ask him to please stop calling your mother names? Tell him how it makes you feel, and that you believe mom deserves to be treated with respect.
It is not really your responsibility to get involved in the ‘cheating’ issue, but I guess you could ask him if he’s ever cheated on your mom if you want to. Just be prepared for him to be a bit outraged by the question. You could say kids at school talk about that kind of thing.
I’m not sure how you ‘know’ he's been cheating, or why your mother hasn’t addressed it, so perhaps he hasn’t in the true sense of the word.
Instead of instantly hating your father, I think you should try to get to know him better and discuss the issues that bother you.
Question: Why does my father keep on calling me an idiot?
Answer: If you are using drugs or alcohol to the detriment of your health, I could understand your father calling you an idiot. If you are wasting your life away and not making any effort to study and learn and develop new skills to help you make your way in the world, I’d see why he might call you an idiot as well.
But if you’re doing your best and just finding some things complicated, you’re certainly not an idiot. If that’s the case, your father is just lazy. He should be helping you instead of calling you names. His parents should have taught him to behave better than that.
Ignore his rudeness and don’t let him ruin your confidence. If you’re having trouble with schoolwork, ask a teacher or older student to explain things to you.
Question: My dad always teases us, lays on us, lets my brothers verbally abuse me, and so on. My mom tells him to stop, but he refuses to listen to any of us. When we ask if he'll spend time with us, he'll say, " Ido spend time with y'all, I sit and watch TV with you!" He's either on his phone, or watching something none of us want to watch. He says he loves us, but he doesn't act like it. He's always hanging out with his friends, and doesn't hang out with his children or wife. What should I do?
Answer: I think you might have to accept your dad is the way he is. Instead of trying to change him completely, I suggest you concentrate on getting his support for stopping you brothers’ verbal abuse. That’s probably the most significant single change he could make.
Your brothers should be taught to respect women in general; you and your mother in particular.
Question: My dad is angry with me simply because he says I think about only myself and not my siblings and that is so wrong. I love my siblings so much, and because of that he has started being rude to me and is just shouting and screaming and saying that he is not going to bother with me. He says that I am ungrateful, but I am always grateful for what he can and cannot do for me. What should I do?
Answer: Perhaps it might help if you remind your dad you’re a teenager and doing your best to cope with hormones and schoolwork and acne and all other pressures, but you certainly haven’t lost sight of how important your family is.
Ask your dad what his life was like when he was your age. If he makes a fuss about how hard it was, ask him what he did to cope. Try and get him to see that you need him to help you get through these difficult years.
Maybe if you can position his ‘head’ in a place where he can view himself as your helpful father instead of him thinking he has to yell at you, things might calm down.
Father’s often feel like their kids are some kind of ‘competition’ or ‘challenge’ as they enter their teenage years. I wish they’d just let their kids grow up and provide guidance instead of ‘discipline,’ but someone has to help them see the difference. Maybe your mother could help him see what he’s doing. Talk to her about it.
Question: Sometimes my dad slaps me when I’m cheeky. It hurts, and I cry myself to sleep at night because I feel like my parents don’t listen to my feelings. What should I do?
Answer: I guess the first thing you could do is try not to be cheeky, but I know it is hard to be good all the time. You could tell your dad you’re going to do your best to behave, and would he please not slap you anymore. Tell him you get cross with yourself when you’ve done the wrong thing, and you don’t need a slap to make you feel even worse. Ask him to talk with you when he’s not happy about something, and you’ll work together to fix it.
Now here’s something else you could try if you feel your parents aren’t listening to your feelings; you could write them letters (notes) and leave them somewhere for them to see.
I know one child who sticks a note to his parents on the wall opposite the toilet, because that’s where he knows they should have time to read it at least once a day. He takes it down at the end of the day and keeps a collection of his notes in a folder. He says he’s going to read them all when he’s a dad himself, so he remembers what it is like to be a child.
Of course, your parents might remove the note, and you might not get to keep it (unless you ask them), but your primary goal should be for them to ‘hear’ you by writing it in the first place.
Your first note could be 'I know you’re both busy so sometimes I’m going to write you notes and stick them here. Why? Because I feel as though I don’t get the chance to explain my feelings to you, but I want you to understand me. I know we need to communicate, so here’s my first effort.’
It would be nice if you write ‘I love you’ on the bottom, but if you don’t feel that way right now, don’t write anything more. Just wait for another day when you have something else to say.
I had a beautiful foster daughter who had lots of things on her mind when she first joined my family at about ten. She used to write me notes, and would often ask questions in them with boxes for ‘yes’ and ‘no’ for me to tick.
It might work well for you, too. So give it a try.
Question: Will you write one of these articles about mothers?
Answer: Many of the issues would be the same in regards to mothers. It is not likely that I will write another article, but I can certainly answer questions about mothers on this one when asked.
Question: My dad is always miserable! He always puts out a bad feeling in the room when he's in his depressed state. He constantly talks negatively about my mom and how we never do anything right. I don't hate him like he always says, but I get very frustrated when he's in these mood swings. But when he's not depressed or angry, he can be really fun! What can I do to get him to stop being miserable all the time?
Answer: The obvious way to try and cheer him up is to ask what he'd like to do that would make him happy. Maybe you could play tennis for some exercise or go to the beach or something else to get him out of the house and thinking about something different.
But if he has a serious problem with depression, it is probably wise to try encouraging him to see his doctor. There might be a medical problem causing his mood swings and it won't be fixed without some kind of intervention. Tell him how nice it would be if he could feel great every day just by taking a pill. That might get him to head to the doctor for a diagnosis.
Question: Why won't my dad give me a reason for his decisions? For example, I was about to buy a game with my own money. He said no, but he won’t give me a reason.
Answer: Some dads can't think quickly on their feet. It is easier for them just to say 'no' than to explain why. They expect kids to accept 'because I said so' as enough of an answer. That's not fair to kids like you, of course. It might help to have a quiet chat with him again a while later, asking him to discuss reasons so you can understand.
He might think the game is too violent or will distract you from your studies or will tempt you to stay up too late at night or will lure you into online gaming ... all good reasons. It is a shame he's not explaining what he's thinking. Try and make it easier for him to express himself.
Question: My dad always makes me cry. He sometimes grabs me by my neck and pushes me to the basement. He and my mother say horrible things like "don't be like my son" or "I wish you were my son." Many times I've thought of running away. Can I live with a different family member or just a different family?
Answer: You really must talk with other adults you trust. Perhaps your grandparents or your uncles and aunts (if they don't behave as your parents do.) Otherwise, talk to the parents of a friend. Tell them exactly what's going on in your home, and ask for help and advice.
Believe me; I understand that running away sometimes feels like the only option available to kids when they're really unhappy at home. However running away creates a whole new set of problems, and most kids end up going home again (or being sent home again) to more of the same kind of drama. So I want you to think of adults you trust, and then contact them and ask for help. If you want to talk with me more about this, just write to me in the comments section below where you can write messages that can be as long as you like. I'll try and help and encourage you if you don't get immediate help from a nearby adult.
Question: I just can't stop hating my dad for the way he treated my mom. He was verbally and physically abusive to both of us and doesn't see an issue in his actions. I don't want to hate him, but I end up hating him more and more every day. I don't know what to do anymore. How do I stop hating him?
Answer: Essentially it boils down to two choices. You either don’t care so much that your dad was abusive towards you and your mom, or you don’t care so much that you hate him because of it.
If your dad was a beast and shows no signs of remorse or understanding, it is okay to hate him.
Question: I don’t care about my dad. My parents divorced when I was a year old due to an affair, and I see him once a week, if that. It sometimes feels like he doesn’t care much about me. He rarely asks me how school is going and how my friends are. I’m not sure if I care what he thinks anymore. Is this bad?
Answer: It is not ‘bad’ to be disappointed by your father’s apparent disinterest in your life. I have to wonder, though, if perhaps he doesn’t understand what’s expected in a relationship between father and child. If he’s only seen you once a week since you were one, he’s probably not had a chance to get to know you properly. Maybe now that you’re older, you could try explaining to your dad what you need from him?
Question: Sometimes my dad is the best person in the world. Sometimes he can be an absolute pain in the *ss. Sometimes he yells at me and says that he wishes he could kick my *ss. I don't know what to do. He never actually hits me, but, I am worried that he might. What should I do?
Answer: When he says he wishes he could kick your *ss, try saying ‘But you wouldn’t, because you love me. And dads don’t do that to their kids.’ And/or ‘But then I wouldn’t love you, and that would be a shame.’
Question: My dad changed so much after my cousin came to live with us. Now, I'm invisible. He only associates with her, is so nice to her, and is so mean to me. When I say something to him, he always goes against me. What do I do?
Answer: Try talking to your dad and telling him how you feel. I'm hoping he just hasn't noticed he's treating you differently. Perhaps because your cousin is the visitor, he's trying to make her feel welcome. But he's forgetting about you and that's not fair. Talk to your mother as well. Perhaps she can intervene and remind your dad he's not spending time with you or being as nice a dad as he used to be.
Question: What should I do if my dad keeps hitting me?
Answer: You could tell your dad he can’t keep hitting you because it is against the law to hit children (If it is in your country.) Plus here’s a few other ideas:
- Say, If you talk to me I’ll try to change, but if you keep hitting me I’m just going to hate you."
- Talk to your mother, your grandparents, or some other adult you trust. Ask them to help you.
- If you are scared and your dad is violent, keep telling people until somebody helps you. If your family doesn’t help you, go to your teachers at school or parents of your friends and ask if they will go with you to the police.
Question: I have to see my dad ever since my parents separated. He favors my younger brother and doesn’t have any interest in me at all, but he tries to buy my affection and my brother’s too. My brother adores my dad. I don’t want to see my dad anymore. How should I tell him this?
Answer: Telling your dad you don't want to see him anymore will no doubt hurt his feelings and might damage your relationship long term so I suggest you think about other ways to deal with the problems you are experiencing. It would be a shame if you later regret your actions, so let's talk about your relationship with your dad and consider a few options.
It takes time for things to settle down after parents separate, and for kids to get used to the new 'normal'. When parents separate and divorce, you're in the process of making the move from one family unit to identifying with two families. It feels sad and strange and it is normal for kids to apportion blame to one parent or the other. But life goes on and everyone is left trying to pick up the pieces.
Your dad is trying to 'buy your affection', but at least he's trying. He hasn't pushed you away so you have to give him some credit for that when you think about him.
I suggest you tell your dad you think it would be a good idea if he keeps spending time with your brother alone because he really enjoys it ... and maybe the two of you could go catch a movie or go bowling or something once a month. You'd rather spend a small amount of time just the two of you instead of with your little brother all the time.
That would give you a chance to have more mature conversations with your dad as you work to address any issues. It would also mean you don't have to be uncomfortable being on the sidelines with your younger brother.
Don't forget to discuss this with your mother first, though. If she's not comfortable with your little brother being alone with your dad, she might want you to tag along. However I'm thinking it sounds like your dad is trustworthy enough, and your family is just passing through that difficult stage of no longer being a single family unit.
Question: My dad is aware that I hate him. He is a control freak. He abuses me, and is always arguing with my mother. They stay together "for the sake of me and my younger siblings." Since he is aware that I hate him, he does things as punishment for hating him. He told me that he knows I hate him, and I can't do anything I want as long as I live in his house. What should I do to make our relationship better?
Answer: I understand why many women choose to stay with unsuitable partners 'for the sake of the children' if they're afraid they won't have any income or financial support, and often they fear things might just get worse. But I remain disappointed in couples who can't see they'd be happier if they lived apart, and with happier parents, their kids would have much more pleasant lives. I believe it is asking too much to expect kids to be able to safely make their way through a daily minefield, but it sounds like you'll have to try. (Unless you're old enough to move out and start your independent life, which would be an easier alternative.)
You say your dad knows you hate him. I'm not sure if you said the words out loud to him or your dad's just assuming you hate him because of your actions and behavior around him.
You also say he abuses you, but there's no mention of beatings or physical violence, so I'm going to assume he just mouths off at you with no physical harm. I'm guessing you just 'clash' over just about everything and he probably calls you names and yells a lot.
There's two of you involved in this conflict. You don't have any control over your dad's choices and actions so you'll have to modify your own behavior and hope he responds positively. Here are a few thoughts that I hope will help you. (Read to the end without getting frustrated along the way. lol.)
You and I both know that sometimes teenagers can be really hard to get along with. It is easy to become self-absorbed and moody or impatient towards anyone who dares enter your personal space without being invited. Blame it on hormones, but be aware that attitude has a lot to do with it. To have any chance of improving your relationship with your dad, you'll have to change your attitude towards him. Now, this might feel really uncomfortable and insincere at first, but let's look at ways you might view your dad more sympathetically. I don't know your dad or you so I'm writing generally here. You'll have to figure out the specifics.
Let's say he goes to work every day, perhaps even to a job that he hates. He brings home money to pay the bills. Got to give him some credit for that. Maybe he mows the lawn in his time off. That can't be fun. Does he ever drive you or your siblings around? That has to count. If you're not wearing rags and devoid of every type of personal item most teenagers take for granted, you're better off than you could be.
Yes, your dad is a control freak, but you haven't said exactly what it is he's controlling. I suggest you think that through and see if you can be a little more forgiving. If you were an adult looking in from the outside, would you think he's terribly unfair? (For instance, I can see that kids could think it is unfair if dad forces them to get off the PlayStation or computer to go to bed ... but an adult onlooker could reasonably say the kid is lucky to have access to PS or computer, and needs to get a good night's sleep.)
You say your parents argue a lot. I'm guessing quite a few of those arguments are inspired by issues to do with you kids. Truth be told, you can probably single-handedly reduce some of their arguments by changing your attitude and behavior. Perhaps you can keep your younger siblings busy for a while when your dad first gets home from work, so your parents have time to actually talk about their day without interruption. Or you could help get them sorted out at bedtime so there's less drama and chaos, if you identify that as a problem time. Instead of bossing them around and trying to flex muscle to get them to do what you want, try jollying them and lifting the general mood in your home.
Then the next step is to tell your dad that you're trying to help more around the house and free him and mom up so they can spend a bit of time together without hassle. Tell him you don' t want a bad relationship with him. You're doing your best to make your home happier in the hope that he'll do his best to make home life happier too.
This process will probably take a while, but you might actually be surprised at the changes you notice within a short time. Keep it up, and if your dad threatens to punish you for something in the future, you can point out that you make a genuine contribution to things within your home. I'm hoping that he'll become more forgiving of you as you become more forgiving towards him.
Question: My dad is a good dad, but not from the way I see it. I am really close with my mom, and he is always making her do stuff while he does nothing at all. It is all about what he wants and what he does, and I hate it. He is so critical; always taking things too far. Never has he abused my mom or me, and I think my parents do love each other. I get so angry when he walks in the room because he always wants people to revolve around him. What should I do?
Answer: You can see there are lots of good things about your dad, so he doesn't deserve to be hated. I can see that you don't like him being critical, and you think he wants to be the focus of attention, but that's not a good reason to get angry every time he walks in the room.
I wonder if perhaps you are competing with your dad for attention, and you want the focus to be on you. That's pretty normal for a teenager, but instead of being jealous of him I think you should try and become closer to your dad. Share the attention.
Surely you could give your dad some attention and then ask him to do something with you. If it doesn't work, then just be grateful that you don't have the kind of rotten father most of the other kids who write her have to suffer with. Try and see the good things in your life. You're actually pretty lucky to have parents who love each other.
Question: My two adult daughters hate their father, and I believe that I am guilty too because I always agreed with their complaints and hatred toward my husband. What should I do now to help my daughters to solve their relationship with their father?
Answer: Sadly, you can’t turn the clock back and behave differently. It sounds like you were eager to be seen as ‘supportive’ of your kids, but failed to see the harm you were causing. Kids need to learn to weigh the good against the bad in all aspects of life. It was wrong to expect their dad to be ‘perfect.’
If you are to have any hope of fixing their relationship with their father, you’ll have to be honest with them. Tell them how bad you feel for throwing their dad under the bus. List the many ways their dad was a good dad. Show them this article and the hundreds of comments so they can read the stories of kids who hate their dads for a good reason. With a bit of perspective, I’m hoping they’ll have a better understanding of how things really were in your home, and apologize to their father if they believe it is appropriate. Your husband deserves credit for things he did right.
Question: My father has relations with other women. I don't like this. Thus my home becomes a battle ground. How do I ignore it?
Answer: Some kids have trouble with the idea of parents becoming involved with other people, even after they’re officially separated or divorced. If that’s the case and you’re asking me how to ignore your divorced dad’s new relationships, so the two of you don’t fight so much, that’s not so difficult.
When parents split up, they have a right to ‘move on.’ As much as kids would like to think their separated parents will get back together and live happily ever after, that generally never happens. Your dad is an adult, and if he’s single, you have to expect he’ll be looking for a new partner. Ideally, he wouldn’t bring every new woman he meets back home when you’re there. He should have some discretion and only introduce you to a woman if he’s really serious about his relationship with her.
So if your dad is a single man again, I’d remind you that you’ll be an adult someday and won’t want him fighting you about who you can and can’t go out with.
However, if you and your dad still live with your mother, that’s a completely different situation. If your dad really is involved with other women, perhaps you could say something like, ‘Dad, out of respect for mom and me, can’t you please move out instead of us having to go through this drama every day?’
You don’t have to fight with him about it. Just remind him he chose to create a family with your mother so he has a responsibility to make sure you can both pay your bills ... but if he wants to behave like a single man, he should ‘be’ a single man.
If your dad does the right thing and helps you and your mother get set up for a future without him in your home all the time, I’m sure you’ll all be happier than you are now.
You might have to move to a smaller home if you can’t afford to stay where you are, and there’s a bunch of compromises you’ll all have to make. But most kids welcome the changes if it means waking up to a peaceful home and going to sleep without hearing arguments. So do most adults.
If you want to discuss this more or have any more questions for me, go to the Comments section at the bottom of this article. There’s lots of room there for you to write me long messages.
© 2013 LongTimeMother
Please share your thoughts ...
JJ page on August 06, 2020:
about 2 years ago when i was 11 i found out my father was cheating on my mom, i didnt want to hurt her so i kept it to myself for 3 months, it broke me from the inside out so i told my grandma, and she told me that i had to tell my mom, she told him he had to sleep on the couch and she took his phone from him, about 2 weeks later she let him back in the bed and he was allowed to have his phone again. he later did it again making it he 4th time and i aught him this time too, my mom continued to forgive him and didnt bother to do anything about it except put restrictions on his phone. ive hated him since i was 11, im 13 now an ive had to live with him in my house because my mom wont leave him, hes too stupid to know what he did and he continues to try and talk to me and tell me he loves me i cry every night because my house doesnt feel like a home, when i was 12 i came out as gay (i dont like the word lesbian), my mom knew since i was little along with the rest of my family and he didnt notice he hasnt paid attention to anything ive ever done, i tell everyone that doesnt know me that he left because it would be so much easier if he did, but the real truth is hes a son of a bitch whos too much of a pussy to be faithful to his wife
Trevor Moore on July 31, 2020:
Im 12 and I started hating my dad in august. The Hockey season was coming up and my mom and dad were divorced. My Mom sent an email about the tournaments about how they were gonna work it out. My dad never responded to the emails, and blamed it on my mom for not supporting sports. He tried to fool me! I ended up only going to sports on his days (wednesday thursday wekkends alternate), because he did not respond to my moms email. Now he is too embarrased to admit it and has a terrible relationship with both of his children. He is not letting me hang out with friends because he wants me to stay with him, even though I would be socially distant with a mask, and we both tested negative for the virus. He also has a homewrecker girlfriend who thinks she cam control me and my sister. Also, my dad plays nice so much! he thinks we think he is the nicest person ever. Also, I went to a hockey camp that I wanted to go to, only because he blackmailed me into having an rv "vacation". The rv smells like literal poo. if I did not agree to do the vacation, my dad would not let me go to the camp. He is so toxic!
Pearl on July 26, 2020:
My dad is such a control freak he doesn't let me go out even tho im in highschool. he yells at me and grabs my arms and yells in my face leaves fingerprints on me. he says hes allowed to touch me however he wants he doesnt care if im hurt or not. i tell him how this makes me feel and he just gaslights me saying im the one who chooses to feel the way i feel. he ignored when my mom would beat me and didnt do anything to stop it and he likes my little sister much better and lemme tell u there is much proof. i hate it here i hate him so much i hate my dad.
Cole on July 18, 2020:
When I do something simply wrong my always threatens to beat me and when he does beat me he goes so far as to hurt me and scar.
I still have many scars on my body that stay as a reminder
raha on July 16, 2020:
My dad has not been with me in my problams and blamed me even for small things I mean he cut down the way to communicate with me so I prefer someone else for talking to him.Now he has known this and he is so angry of me and said that I am a very very bad girl . i have never been enough for my family and I am sooo sad for that and I don not know what the hell I have to do.
Ryan on July 15, 2020:
My dad only pretends to be nice but in reality he's selfish and only cares about playing dumb games like sports games or first person shooters. And if he dies or loses in said games he screams,curses in Spanish,says racist stuff like monkey or cracker,and stomps on the ground like a child. it's like he gets angrier and more violent every day. Sometimes i get nightmares involving him getting so mad that he kills my mom in a fit of rage and threatening to kill me and my brother if anyone of us tells someone like a police officer. One time i got in trouble in school and instead of saying something like "you're grounded!" My dad threatened to BREAK my tablet and SELL my ps4! I want my parents to break up. There not ment for each other. I want a better dad.
Ryan on July 15, 2020:
My dad only pretends to do nice things but in reality he's selfish and only cares about playing dumb games like sports and first person shooters. And when he dies or loses in said games he screams,curses in Spanish,
Corey on June 26, 2020:
I wish I would of known younger that it is ok to detach from my father. He is a phony. He is very good at playing nice. The only thing he cares about is how things appear not how they are. He was verbally and physically abusive. But I am gaslighted by my sister and him. My sister knows and has spoken about it but she gets a lot of money from him and they are a lot alike. How do I not hate my sister. Honestly I hate him so much even people
close to him I don’t like. I use to be very close with my sibling but since my mother died she and he have teamed up. He bought her a 400k condo and she allows him to call her all the time. He is controlling and co dependent. I am in my late thirties and I have recently come to the realization that almost all of my decisions have been based around escaping from him. I moved as far away as possible but I really have problems now with anyone who has authority over me and that hasn’t helped me in my career. Oddly when covid hit the first thing that went through my mind is I hope my dad gets it. I know that isn’t normal. But when I was younger I would take my food and poor it over my head if I didn’t have good table manners. He would couch all my teams he lived through me. He was physically emotionally abusive. I don’t think he has ever complimented me. I guess I wanted to know if other people feel like their adult lives have been ruined by either running away or not appropriately dealing with things. And it is hard for other people to understand bc he couched my teams put me in private school built tree house. I just truly hate him. I now have started transferring my hate to my sister just bc they are so close. I notice she use to be more independent and funny. We are both in our late thirties never married no children and she is dependent on him. The abuse and depression has led to me abusing pain killers and then I made mistake of being open about it after I got sober and it has been used against me with other family. When I describe how horrible my childhood was I have had therapists have to take a break and I see their chin giving out and tears. But he is so good at being charming and funny and playing nice. He even keeps friends with ex’s. It is bizarre. I don’t want to be a bitter emotionally broken adult. I only have very strong feelings I know society wants you to have a good relationship. But I absolutely hate him. How do I manage to keep the relationship with others in my family without him? Also I play nice on holidays sometimes I let him in and soon I realize ut is toxic, is it better to just be completely done. Like in any other relationship that sucks?
I just need someone to read this! on June 21, 2020:
Many people say "I hate my dad" or "he's the worst" but that is only because they refused to let them do something for once, but when I say I hate my dad, I really mean it. My dad is a control freak, hates my mom, very harsh/violent/abusive, he beat me and my brothers up for the slightest thing, he never asks nicely, we never talk and if we do it is only to confront me about something or make me feel guilty about something or maybe ask me to do something for him, he does not even give me an allowance like normal people. he has high expectations for us, and he thinks he is a great dad just because he works and pays tuition and bills, but I never felt the love every father should give, I am overweight and he would always make me feel terrible about it instead of motivating me, my mom also has the same problem even though she always tried her best to be like who my dad wants her to be he always beats her up and makes her cry a lot, and complains about everything wrong she does, like forgetting to iron/wash a piece of cloth because of all the other things that she has to take care of, he never looks at the good things she does, like preparing food, washing, cleaning, and everything anybody could everyone think of. My dad is the worst male I ever knew in my life and the worst dad from the people that I see around me or my friends that have great fathers that give them personal space, privacy, allowance, wants, love, care. I can go for another 3 hours just talking about the worst person I know. I don't even call him dad anymore.
Unknown Girl who hates his father alot! on June 20, 2020:
At this father's day 2020 me and my siblings were planned for a nice surprise for him...... We make nice poster through mobile for him and put it in watsapp status then we decided to make yummy food for him ...... At first we seat together for breakfast... I eat a little bit but mothers told me that ate more but i dont want to ate..... After this my dad shouted at me...... I know uh bitch dont uh dare to celebrate father's day....... I hate uh he said me.... He said me lots of bad words that makes me cry....... Then he warns me that dont u dare to celebrate the father's day if u guys celebrate then i will destroyed all....... I want to cry... N my eyes in full of tears.........
I hate uh dad.
Want to die forever
Justin Tom on June 19, 2020:
Hello from the Philippines.
I do have couple of reasons on why I did hate my father which began only about a year ago, in which some reasons are not mentioned above in the votes, and another is couple of weeks ago. I've had expectations of my dad being a better one, even a nice dad who wouldn't resort to hit his children.
The first one was that, I forgot to cook rice for everyone since I got too distracted in watching my favorite films, until he comes out of the door as he recently woke up, he asked me if I cooked rice, I said no, I forgot. It was too traumatizing for me to recall the whole event because it was only a small mistake, I was only 16 at that time and then Dad resorted to physical violence and verbally yelling at me. I was near the kitchen, at the backyard door, that's when he started to throw a rolled up tissue at me, then he approached me at an aggressive way as he pushed me up against the door, as he slapped me couple of times in the face, as the insides of my mouth have bled (no tooth had been lost), then he raised a fist on me, as I know he've been wanting to punch me, but he stopped himself to. He even suggested that do I want to fight him back, I refused, then he forced me to grab my Arnis stick just to hit him back, as that almost made me resort to retaliation. Until Mom woke up as she stopped him as she was crying. I felt too depressed at that time, and never did I get to confront Dad to tell him to apologize, because he's slightly bigger than me, he's got some training, heck, even I lack strength to fight back, because I still love him, but I'm growing more hatred within. He's currently in his 40s, as he's having a bad vice of smoking cigarettes outside of the house, and inside the bathroom, and also gets angry easily.
I also discovered he's an authoritative parent as he has set high standards on me, like he wants things to be prepared as soon as he steps out of the room after being awake. This event has happened again, only to know that Mom told me I don't have to cook rice since he and my brother are still asleep. I was sewing my pillow case, and the next thing I'm hearing from him is roughly slamming the rice pot as he tries to prepare it himself. Dejá vu just get the better of me.
The next reason, is the one time I woke up and getting out of my bed, as I prepare to cook rice, then I heard my mother sobbing quietly, I've waited for the right time to ask, as she told me that she's getting pissed off with him. That's when my bitter hatred grew even more.
No matter how much I've tried to love him, it's just too hard. One time it was late, then I was doing some personal stuff, until he just breached my privacy. It was so rude of him that he just told me, "You never left your phone out on the table, and you're not sleeping yet."
That was when I don't feel like trusting him. Never did I hear from him apologizing for his past actions, never did I hear from him offering a food or a game that I would eat or play. He is too unforgivable, as he even told me, if I were to be having a family, my actions would repeat.
Nikki on June 16, 2020:
Growing up I always thought my dad was a great dad, and in a lot of aspects he was. He made sure that I knew he loved me and that I never needed to find validation in a romantic relationship because I had a good dad and no daddy issues. He always supported me financially. My mom was emotionally unavailable All my life and growing up I realized so was my dad. I found so much validation I’m him and I now question why? He was manipulative in a very subtle way. He’s a salesman for his business so he knows how to persuade but uses it to his advantage on making me and my sister feel like we are wrong and he’s right. He makes himself seem like he’s always right and smart and makes me feel like I know nothing. When my parents got divorced my dad didn’t have my mom to use as a scapegoat so it was me. He always is so suspicious of me and thinks I am up to something jumping to conclusions. He is controlling and doesn’t want me to date certain races or straight up said he would never accept me if I were a lesbian (which was one of his accusations for no reason). He holds the fact that he pays for everything over my head. Anytime I do something he doesn’t like his threat is he is going to cut me off. He is always right. He never apologizes for his actions, his way of doing that is buying me something but womt actually admit he’s was wrong or is sorry. He only did this to me, but I have no privacy or boundaries. He got on my icloud on his computer and got my text on his computer without me knowing so he could spy on me and catch me doing something I shouldn’t be doing (which worked). He tracks my location on life 360 and bought premium and CONSTANTLY is stalking me. He snoops thru my room when I’m gone. One time in high school he found my private journal and his excuse for reading it was bc he was reading it “as a concerned parent”. The first HALF of that journal was about crushes and boys. The second half was VERY personal and stuff I never told anyone. Also sexual experiences, my friends problems, my mental health. He was being nosy and not respecting my boundaries. I felt mind raped after he did that. Total invasion of my privacy. He gives me shit for the way I dress because i look like a “liberal” or “goth”. Two things he doesn’t agree with. He told me and my sister that one way to get him to disown us is to become a liberal. He always says he’s disappointed in me for the stupidest things like my hobbies, friends, music, clothes, opinions, and beliefs. He won’t see the world in any other way but his own. It’s very emotionally draining and gets worse as time goes by. I am not in any way able to support myself financially. I’m just trying to get thru college (That he’s paying for) so I can get out from under him and not speak to him. There’s A LOT more to him and my family
Angelica on June 16, 2020:
I recently have gotten very very weird vibes from my dad. He and I (when I was like 10) used to be really close, but now I lean towards my Mom I guess. Nothing really happened, but all of a sudden he just is judgy over things that I take care of, and I know I sometimes do wrong things but he never used to be this.... I don’t know it’s as if he’s offended by what I’m doing. For example, I have a eating problem and I know it, I try to eat more but it’s hard. I know he’s just caring for me but seriously? Just coming in my room and staring at me and asking “why the f*** didn’t you eat” and I just- it’s annoying in my opinion and almost scary. I don’t usually get into fights with my parents, and if I do they’re small ones. This is very recent by the way what has been happening.
Gabby on June 09, 2020:
I hate my dad because, he always doesn't let me do my nails
Someone on May 22, 2020:
I really hate my dad so much he treats our brothers better than us this really show that he love the son than the daughters it's really annoying and I hope one day he will regret what he done to me I don't understand why something so simple make he mad so badly like there's a ghost inside his body did someone put a spell on him but the great things is I'm not always in home cause I was study in boarding school it's actually really calm me down when you don't need to meet your parents can I turn 20 more faster
Hatemydad on May 20, 2020:
My dad is an ass. I once pierced my ears and he told me to remove the earrings and when I refused he beat me with his belt and left my body scared for life I even pooed on my pants. Another instance is when he was agureing with my mom and I made a comment against him and he slapped me and kicked me on my back saying I disrespected him. He also refused for me to go to prom and to buy me a phone. I finally got one when I turned 17 and that's because I needed one for school. I hate the way he's paranoid about things and the way he treats my mother and him favouring his stupid relatives over us. He loves people praissing him and he puts me down and compares me with my younger brother because am not as smart as him. He would also never take blame for anything even if it was his fault. I wish he was dead plus all his crappy relatives so that my mom and I can be happy. He's behavior has caused me a great load of pain and I wish that I can go up to his face and tell him how much I hate him but I know that if I do that he'd probably just hit me. I wish that he wasn't my father because he's the worst person I know plus he is one of the key contributers of my mental health issues.
unknown on May 14, 2020:
My dad is violating my privacy. He can go to an extent but now its going way too far. He made me turn my computer around so hee can see what i do. I dont do anything bad but its humiliating me among my friends during online class that my friends can see my dad watching me from behind. Why cant he trust me like other kids fathers??
Another thing is he doesnt like it when i watch youtube, and if im watching youtube i should watch educational and"productive" videos. Why cant i watch something of my satisfaction when im not studying??
Please tell what i should do
Anonymous on May 13, 2020:
Today my dad hit me in the face throw shoe at my dog and said Im dumb.
Anonymous on May 11, 2020:
My dad hits me with shoes hits me and yells at me when i did not say anything.
Anonymous on May 11, 2020:
He treats my stepmom better than my mom,makes her feel special and all. I just feel he loves her more than he loves my mom. I also have the feeling my mom feels lonely sometimes
Anonymous on May 07, 2020:
I hate him. I honestly do not know why. He hasn’t physically hurt me, my mother, family, left, or tried to control me. I’ve already read several articles, and can identify with nothing. All I know is that I completely hate him. I don’t love him. I don’t even think I like him. I am repulsed by him. Angered by every noise he makes, and I want to cry even if I just see him slightly. I hate him so much, I’m miserable at home. I don’t want to touch the floor of the house ever, don’t want to touch anything after him, don’t want to go anywhere near him, and definitely don’t want to eat food he touches or makes even. I tried once, and I couldn’t swallow the bite I took. I hate calling him dad, or father, I don’t even like using the pronoun him to refer. I hate him. I can’t stand being around him. I hate him so, so much. Why do I hate him? When I cannot think of anything he has done that would hurt me, why do I so completely hate him? When others have issues that are so much worse than mine, why am I recoiling at his presence, why do I seek the physical pain to match my mental one, my anger? I hate him, I hate him, I HATE him. My mother is supportive, too. Of whatever I feel. She asked me if I hated him and I said I didn’t. I don’t know why, I just couldn’t admit it to her. But whenever he’s around, it’s the only thought I can ever have. I hate you. You make me feel disgusting.
Anonymous on May 02, 2020:
My father occasionally makes some sexual comments on me,when my mom is not present. They are often the ones that mean nothing when said but the expression and tone matter a lot. Several months ago,my father had to go to a business trip for 5 months. The time that I spent with my mom only were the best days of my life. Now yhat my dad is back,I have started hating him completely and totally confused about how to convey all of this to my mom. Please,I am 15 and I need help.
Burrito on April 30, 2020:
My dad will not hear other people's opinions at all. He always thinks that he is 100% right and can never be wrong even when we show him proof of otherwise. He can just be so stubbornly bent on stupid things even when everyone else in our family tells him he is wrong.He doesn't value my opinion and emotions as he should. He just laughs emotion off. I am a very emotional person, and he is the opposite. He gives me freedom with most things but weirdly is a super control freak about a few select things. He is mostly nice, though, he just acts so stupid and can't understand things. He is a real pain to be around. He also always yells at me and punishes for random things that don't make sense, and the next minute he acts like everything is fine and wants to play ping pong and "be with his familiy."
anonymous on April 30, 2020:
i dont want to call him dad, father or anything like that, he doesnt deserves it. he abuses me alot, ok i did some mistakes in past but he taunts alot and makes me cry on them he constantly says he is feeding me he keeps on making me remember he gives me money because i am still studying and not earning i am in second year of my engineering. on top of that i got failed in two class tests, so he got two new reasons to taunt me. hes like so irritating that i just get so irritated and devastated that either i end up beating myself or i go to depression for many days, i cant sleep at night due to it. he abuses hell alot, to me to my mother and my sister even. he just wants to speak and doesnt listens to anyone, he always keep on barging about what he does and always tries to prove himself as hes protecting us but hes actually treating me as a slave or a laborer, i really wanna kill myself every day i wake up and he makes such a shit face like i did something wrong itself in the morning
this piece of shit respects no one, NO ONE, not his mother not his father or his own brother leave me and my mother and sister apart. he never respected anyone. he just beats us up and abuses us when his things dont get done. i wanna end my life, i know nobody can help me here and to be honest i am just tired, tired of my life, tired of me, tired of me being bore, recently he said kids like you dont deserve to even be alive, go die you piece of shit, he keeps on saying i hope i never had a piece of shit son like you whos good for nothing, i am how to tell him, i know he wont even care if i dead or alive because he simply doesnt. I NEED HELP I REALLY DO NEED HELP
Anonymous on April 23, 2020:
My dad has been sexually abusing me since I was three and he absolutely hates my mother as well. No one knows and I feel absolutely horrible about it, like I'm having an affair or something and I feel so broken all the time. I want to tell someone but I'm afraid that of the consequences and how my siblings would view me. I don't want to break up our family. I hate it so much. I feel so broken. I hate him for breaking me but then being the only one I can go to in the end about it. He knows it caused me to sink in severe depression, get panic attacks several times a day and become an insomniac. I get 3 or less hours every night. I used to be a A student with so much potential, but now I can't even imagine a future for myself. He knows this but he still tells me he wishes he could marry me and that he loves me so much. I feel like he's messing with my brain and I just want to get away but I can't. I'm 17 years old and he's been bedridden with cancer. I'm his primary caee taker and even now he still wants me around and always tries to touch me. He hates my mom too and always complains that she doesn't pleasure him. He hates her despite everything She does to for him. He obviously got it a lot because he has six children, but he always complains about it. Even blames this whole sexual abuse that's been happening for years and years on the both of it. He says my 2-3 year old self was practically drooling over him. I hate him. My siblings hate him too, but for other reasons. He makes false promises and we're also so poor. Why have 6 children if you even struggle without? He's disgusting. I'm just waiting for him to die already. He can't even roll over and he still wants to have his way with me. Disgusting.
Katie on April 20, 2020:
My father is quite a control freak, especially about my room, and he constantly gets angry over the smallest of things, such as a pencil being dropped and me not seeing it. (I kid you not, there was a pencil under my bookshelf and I couldn't see it, and he got mad and wouldn't let me use my free time until I eventually saw it.) He forces me to do school work, and yes, that is very small, however, it's different when you already have done the school work and you have a schedule which permits you two-three hours of free time and then when you are ON said free time, you're not allowed to have it.
I've recently fallen into a harsh state of depression, constantly belittling myself and just overall not liking myself or other things, and when I tell him and my mother, he just says the only way to make myself not feel guilty is to get my butt up, go to college and get a good job because that's the only way to get anywhere in life. I constantly get blamed for tiny things and I really can't take it anymore. Not to mention I've been the butt of jokes from friends and him for years, and I am through, but I can't tell him anything or I'll get the same answer of "just get a good job".
Despair bear on April 16, 2020:
My father is always a hot-tempered man.He gets angry easily ,he scolds my mother and starts fights.I usually sit in a conner and cry but as i grow older,I changed,I put an expressionless mask on my face when i faced him.It was a long time since I cried,and I never consider myself to hate him.But ,that night,changed everything.It was a night like any other day.He came up rushing cause we are late for the usual sleeping time by just 1 minute.When he entered the room,he started beating me.He usually beats me but this time its different i wasnt the only one who did something wrong.He screamed and shouted at me yet my sister who is also at fault wasnt scolded nor beated.Its like im his personal beating bag when he gets angry.I cried.I decided that i dont want to share the same bedroom with him anymore. I hid in the toilet and dried my tears while not forgetting to lock the door.He wasnt happy with my decision.He came barging in the room and he threatened me to open the door.He said if i dont come out,bad things will happen.He even said he would break down the door.I didnt dare open the door cause i know the punishment will be severe.He pounded on the door countless of times,each loud sound made me panic even more.I couldnt take it anymore and ran out .He was about to beat me but my mother stopped him from doing so.That night,I cried myself to sleep.I will never forget how loud every time he pounded the door.
Anonymous on April 13, 2020:
A day would not get by without my 'father' starting a fight with my mother.He would call her a pig even though she did nothing wrong.My mother used to be a slender woman but after his constant ignorance to her appearance,she despaired and gave up on body shaming after her pregnancy with my sister.My father treats me the same way he treats her,if not worse cause I look identical to when my mother was young.He would get angry on small things and he forces me to do things that I dont want to.He even told me he cant hit mother cause if he did,than it would be against the law.But my case is different,he have complete dominion over me,cause he is my father,he could hit me however he liked.He acted like the world revolves around him.Now,I became rebellious cause im fed up with
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on April 01, 2020:
Ally, I'm sorry your stepfather treats you so badly Try to talk with your mother privately when your dad can't hear. Tell her exactly how you feel and ask her to help you. Don't expect her to 'know' how you feel. Make sure you tell her. Write back to me and tell me how things work out. I'm hoping she'll be able to make life a bit easier for you.
Ally Ricard on March 22, 2020:
My stepdad is the absolute worst. He gets very drunk and then yells in me and my mom's face. He starts fights. He calls "just a little girl" " stupid" "dumb" and laughs when i tell my mom someone is bullying me. He says im worthless and i cant do anything. He threatens to kick us out when he knows we cant afford to be kicked out. He also treats my stepsister like she is queen of the world and she gets whatever she wants when she wants it. Pls help.
Greg on March 21, 2020:
I love him yet I hate hi he is really mean and I just dont like anything about him not even his new self
Otter on March 14, 2020:
I just really never had a connection with him. I don’t like him. I don’t think of him as a father and I dislike everything about him from the way he carries himself to how he spends his free time. It’s almost a deep disgust. Maybe if myself for being related to him or the fact that I see how oblivious he is to his flaws and I never want to be like that. I almost never get in an argument that I’m not certain I’ll win. I don’t like arguing with him. I make valid points about things like clarifying his this and that stuff because he’s never specific and he gets mad that I can’t understand what he’s asking because it’s so broad. And then when he’s backed into a corner because I have a valid point, then he’ll tell me to, “drop it.” And I hate it! I don’t know if it’s the dismissal or feeling like I’m never seen but I just severely dislike everything that makes him who he is.
Awe on February 26, 2020:
My Father is not so bad. He's very friendly to neighbors and others. He never abuse us physically. He always pays the bill, until he retire. He always wants the best for us in education. At least that's all I know. According to my mother, he is not so good of a father before I was born. He never been there for my mother, physically and financially. My older brother even called him by 'sir/mr', since he was never been home (working). She feels like hasn't married to anyone. My parents always arguing about chores and our economy condition, ever since I was a child. I NEVER hate on him back then, instead I feel sorry for him being the anger target for my mother. She always argue about how ignorant/stupid my dad was and is.
I'm in my 20s now, I still live with my parents (pretty common in where I live). And he is retire now. 2 years ago he lives in my grandparents house because he was passed away. We always texting, asking how each other doing. Now he come back living with us, I was the one insisted for him to return. My mother disagree, saying it is better for him to stay there. Now I regret it. Time passes by, I can see how ignorance he is. He never even care for his own health and his own hygiene. he do chores but not straight, it's always involving us finishing it or cleaning up his mess. He always do the same mistakes dozen times, and never learnt. He rejects advices and very denial. He also got a big mouth, I understand that he likes to talk with people, but please can it be not family's matter that he's discussing with others. He never doing things that is satisfy us. For some of you, this might sounds selfish or else. But I'm not the only one feeling this way. My mother and younger brother also feels the same. I can feel the atmosphere in my home is unhealthy, due to argumentation we always had on our father. I think this gotten worse bcs I dare to curse him. I know what I did/feel was wrong, but I can not let this things slide, this is also bad for him if we ignore his ignorance.
Dean on February 02, 2020:
When I was a child I loved my Dad with a child-like faith but over the years when I got older, I can see how selfish and controlling he was. At age 17 that's when I knew I didn't like him anymore. I use to always say to my Mom I don't want to be like him, Mom. She would always say Dean, just accept the good and don't except the bad. There are four siblings in my family and all of us have a dislike for our father.
Adi on January 17, 2020:
My dad was awful to my sister and now I can’t even look at him without thinking about what he did. I think he loves us but he is overbearing and not open to what we want. He also puts his girlfriend before me and my sister it seems like. I cry every time I have to go to his house. That’s why I hate him and can’t get over it.
Sara on January 06, 2020:
It’s funny because i hate my father very much and he do all thing that you write☝
Dandre on January 02, 2020:
I hate my dad because he's always mad at me for some reason... He drinks and tells me and my mom to fuckoff out of his life... I just wish i can go somewhere and never see him again
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on November 17, 2019:
Hi. Concentrate on the parts of your life you are happy with and try not to let your dad spoil your days. You will grow up and you will leave home. Keep your mind on the future and don’t get too caught up in your problems of today. I know it sounds hard, but I’m sure you can do it.
He thinks he is doing what's right, but almost everything he does makes me hate him, and most of it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me on November 16, 2019:
I'm not happy with most of my life because of him.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on November 05, 2019:
I think you should talk with your grandparents because you obviously respect their opinions. Maybe it would work well for you living with them.
You sound to me like you’ll be very successful in business in your adult years. You cleverly think through all the financial issues, which most teenagers (and many adults) don’t.
It is tough for any kid who is more clever than their parents. Parents can get frustrated and flounder, saying and doing things that make no sense and just making situations worse. But in some ways, it helps to just keep reminding yourself they’re obviously not blessed with a brain like yours ... and your future life looks much brighter than theirs.
I want you to put your clever brain to the task of figuring out how you can survive living with them with minimal conflict if you don’t get to live with your grandparents.
Surviving your teenage years is your current mission. Thriving and enjoying your adult years will follow. You’ll have many, many happy adult years so I promise you it is worth the wait!
Anonymous on November 03, 2019:
Hi and i have just lost hope and everything in this world just because of my parents, My both parents are stupid enough to not being able to understand what doing something else means.
Now heres the good part of the bad , I always like to do chores and stuff bla bla bla and everytime i do that i do it with my will, i dont want to be my parents dog just fricking helping them with everything , This just keeps on continuing .... It has been 2 years now since i was 12. My birthday is on february and when its someones birthday you get presents you know and i expected nothing but a good bicycle and i didnt get one so heres the beginning of no end. I invited my 15 cousins so, here in sweden 25$ is 250kr almost and thats alot for 13 year old kid, so it began with this when i got money from everybody my father began to think this was some bussiness going on like birthday bussineses because everybody was giving money on each birthday party so what i got what was from 15 people 25$ each person and that makes up too 3.750 on swedish money. If my father could think close enough and use his intelligence he wouldve understood that birthday parties your supposed to give presents and presents here is money because sometimes you may buy an Medium hoodie when he needs a Large, i earned 3750 kr (swedish money) With that money i knew i could use that money to give back in my friends birthday parties you gotta remember Some families of our doesnt make birthday parties theirselves but goes to others, i can name them but i wont for their sake, 15 cousins came to my place and 8 of em doesnt do parties because their place isnt right for a party so if i calculated right from 3750, i get to keep 2000kr and give them back the 7 left their 1.750, i did that. I had 2000 kr in my pocket at the time i didnt have credit card or anything im keeping them in my wallet 2000kr oof thats alot for a kid to keep in a pocket so still i dont have one and never wont get untill im 18 for sure because my father. Anyways i had 2000 kr left so i bought a bicycle and my father said ok you can buy one and from nowhere he said I wont let you do anymore birthday parties because this is a birthday party bussines your doing / - Giving him 25$ hes giving him that one him l... So long story short that ended i said fine , so i never do birthday parties where i invite and yeah.
Now here where the awful things come, Im living my life you know, a late friday we eat candy and chips having a good night watching Movies and i get an idea of selling my bicycle on an website called Blocket.se just like Ebay and all that stuff, I can sell it for 2000, I also have a ps4 slim with 2 controllers and 3 games also sell them 2000+ 3300 = 5300 kr In pocket Clear, Bicycles fresh used 1-2 months dont remember so much, 5300kr in pocket I can build a gaming pc ( Strong computer ) that will come in effort for my future and stuff, i will start going on college and it will help me with essays and quick upload speed it will give me Motivation to work harder and my father said yes to it we had made a deal and when a deal is broken theres always a reason... Fathers are real disasters they can break deals just because their a "King of the house" and my bitch mother following his steps and being his yes man" So much stupidty in my family right.. Your probably laughing cause i am, the dumbest turkish family in the whole world never seen such worse, anyways we agree and its time to sell my stuff, I know what my fathers thinking is, Before before long time ago 1 year 2016 December i got my ps4 2017 June i had been playing so much in summer ( NO FRICKING SCHOOL) He wanted to get rid of it so he started making "good deals with me" it started of with sell ur ps4 ill get u the finest bicycle etc etc . And i didnt take the trap i was too smart to get my parents to sell my ps4 they wouldve just broken the deal either way after i sold it and wouldve taken my money. He said to me Sell your ps4 first and , bicycle you can sell later i understood that this was some of his dumb ridicilous trap , I said ill sell it after you buy me a gaming pc , he said ok fine you have to behave and be good do chores thats when i got angry because i always do chores i clean up whats mine i dont need to be going in your room lixking all the dust i do whats mine and not my little sisters, yours or anyones, ill do whats mine and what mines part of Trash, fine my trash also, Food fine put the plates in the machine fine, clean rooms guests coming over fine, when i dont do 1 small thing when my fathers getting like coffee to guests i need to be with him delivering it to the Board where there is Fruits, And stuff i didnt do that one time he canceled up everything called me an idiot and your never getting anything again after the guests left ./ He also said while the guests were here he said Stop being idiotic and help me and you are nothing but shit , HE IS A MOTHERFUCKER I DONT FUCKING LIKE MY FATHER, I HOPE HE DIES I have been Mentally disabled like seriously i dont want this life anymore i want to move to my Grandma and grandpa and they are much more better parent then my parents they are so dumb i Dont get a pc, I NEVER GET APPRECIATED WHEN I GET GOOD GRADES , THEY SAY IM TRASH AND DONT DO SHIT WHILE IM THE ONE LICKING ALL THE DUST, Im fucking done Today also in the car he is all good anf shit then he starts making excuses like i cant affiord you a gaming pc, i say just 7000 more Kr and he says no, today he bought a Car cleaner machine for 2000kr and hes thinking of buying me a gardrobe for 1500 kr and he says he cant afford he also bought a new Hugo Boss watch for hisself and 2 new glasses that costs alot he just says shut off when i Own him.
I need serious help with this , i just want to die i dont care how just die painless getting stabbed overnight maybe works i dont know.. Please id you could help me. I have been having this for over 2 yeara now. I have tried everything it doesnt help my parents are dumb as fuck they are stupid whores.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on October 22, 2019:
I’m sorry that you’re broken.
Your mum is obviously doing her best so I hope you are supportive and help her around the house. She needs to know you appreciate her efforts.
As for your dad, he has a responsibility to pay child support. In some countries, child support can be taken by the government from his pay pack.
If he isn’t responsible enough to voluntarily help meet the many costs associated with raising children, I think you should suggest to your mother she take steps to have the government intervene.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on October 22, 2019:
I’m pleased you and your sister stand up for each other but if your father still slaps or beats you or your sister, you really must tell someone and ask for help.
If he can’t be trusted when you go to visit him, maybe he should be visiting you at your mother’s house or a grandparent’s house.
I’d like you to talk to adults in your life and get some advice.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on October 22, 2019:
Liv, you are making your way through childhood the best you can. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re going to make occasional mistakes, we all do.
The day may come when you feel like apologising to those you pushed away. If you explain to them what was going on, they should understand. But you don’t have to open your heart to everyone, especially not now while you’re still young. Just do what you need to do to get through each day, and week, and year.
Find a handful of people you can trust and turn to, and make your dad ‘less important‘ in your life.
Your mother was obviously worried enough to take you to the doctor. Can you talk with her?
Maybe you could ask her to take you back to the doctor. You could say to your doctor, in front of your mom, “Last time I was here you asked me if there was trouble at home and if I was abused in any way. I said no, but that wasn’t true and I want to talk to you about it.”
It could be helpful to have the conversation in front of your mom so that she can hear how you really feel ... and hopefully she can also get some advice from the doctor.
You shouldn’t feel guilty about any of what’s going on, Liv. Your parents are the adults. It is their responsibility to keep you feeling safe.
broken on October 17, 2019:
my dad is supposed to child support to my mum every month right now he owes her 37,000. My mother has been struggling to keep us afloat living of her pay check with two girls. I have felt that I never had close relationship with my dad. but over the years I got to know him and I hate him.Just to see him sad I call him his name instead of dad.thx for reading
um on October 17, 2019:
I have ptsd from childhood, all I can remember from my parents being together is them screaming all the time, my dad blames me and my sister when one of his relationships go to crap, it hurts but I know its not our fault. whenever he yells at me know I can just sit there and cry hoping he wont hit me again like in childhood. sometimes he has to stop himself from slapping me. one day I heard him and my sister arguing and then he slapped her, I started crying but I heard more screaming and he slapped her twice more, I was furious because that was my sister so this was the first time I stood up to him, " you cant treat her like that, shes my sister and I love her, so you need to respect her." He obviously didn't like that and he tried to slap me but my sister stopped it. I try to be happy now but all I can think about is how he used to beat me and my sister.
Liv on October 15, 2019:
My dad started drinking after I was born, as long as I knew, my dad would be drunk and yell at myself and my 3 siblings, causing us to be afraid of any little action... or word or joke... so we alll would stay out of the house... most nights my sister had to convince me that dad loved us... BS now..
When I was 10-11 my dad got his 4th D.U.I ... he was so pissed about it and the drinking stopped cause he had an ankle bracelet.... this happened 2 months before my birth day... during our annual family vacation in Hayward, I made a mistake as he was trying to dock the boat and I got SCREAMED at about how stupid I am... he had the guts to apologize to me and say he didn't mean it...
He a few weeks later went to court and was setemced 2 or 3 motnhs in a rehab place... he missed the while summer and my first day of 5th grade.
The summer of 6th grade I spiraled into a deep depression and pushed everyone away, and some hold it against me still. It was bad too the point I could not love anything about myself... so my mom took me to the doctor and the doctor ushered my mom out of the room and aksed "Is there trouble at home? Does anyone abuse you in anyway?" I said "No" because I wasn't sure about it at all... though, yes, there was alot of trouble and yes I was verbally abused.
My dad is an awful one and fits in with
-Makes my mom cry
-Makes me feel guilty
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on October 15, 2019:
Hello Abe. When you finish high school you will be able to assess your options and come up with a plan to move away from your father. We are adults for a lot longer than we are children. As an adult you can make the decision not to let your father control your life.
When you do good at anything, feel proud. Don’t listen to your father’s negativity. Yes, he has made your childhood difficult ... but I want you to have the confidence that you can create a great future life for yourself and you won’t let him spoil your adult years.
Dream about a positive future ... and then work to make it your new reality!
Abe on October 06, 2019:
I hate my dad, i hate my dad so much that i try everything just to be the opposite of my dad. We from Africa but he treats us like we still in Africa been a control freak, no matter how good i do he always find something nwgative about it. He put guilt on me to a point where i can't speak, i hate my dad so much that the feelings i have i hide it in me its like a bomb that's about to go off. He even want me to stay in the same place when i finish highschool. What should i do?
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on September 16, 2019:
Satyapriya, you should follow your dreams. Lots of successful actors had no encouragement from their families ... but they still had success.
Your dad will have less influence in your life after you move out. So keep studying and preparing for your new, happy, adult life!
Satyapriya on September 15, 2019:
Very nicely said all points, as i see my dad, he abuse me, he cheated on my mom and he break my heart everyday. I wanted to be an actor, he called me humilated me badly. I just want someone to understand my feelings rather than devastating my abilities. Thanks,i am feeling nice after sharing my thoughts. He tilr me lies about leaving my mom i have seen his letter send to step fuc*ker mom,he really cheated on my mom. Now i don't like being with him,when i get graduate i will be leaving my home.
Help please on September 13, 2019:
My dad complains about everything. He doesn’t clean, is selfish, doesn’t help my mum financially AT ALL! He does not work at all and sits at home all days and finds a way to talk shit on my mom and her aunt that lives with us. Her aunt earns money and spends it on us and he manages to verbally abuse her and tell her she shouldn't be there and talks to be about how much he hates her but when he is in a good mood he has monologues with her like nothing ever happened. He talks for hours selfishly as if people want to listen but nobody respects him anymore. One time he got angry at me for absolutely no reason and my great aunt defended me and he started yelling. I had a breakdown and she hugged me. He continued yelling and said why didn't you speak up earlier and she said I don't listen to you and he said well then why do you sit in the kitchen all day you have a room in this house. I yelled at him and said that she is my family and he can't talk to her like that he continued standing there talking as if nothing happened. My 7 year old brother started crying because of what was happening and my dad wanted to defend himself I said shut the fuck up you're disrespectful and ruining my family. I know it was harsh but he has been doing this for years and he is insanely disrespectful. My mum is struggling financially as she does with everything and he doesn't work but lives off of her money as if he is rich and buys cigarettes everyday . What should we do? What can we do? He angers me so much. He doesn't understand that I hate him and I wish that he did. He angers me so much no one gets it I just don't know what to do please respond to this:(
insha on September 06, 2019:
because he hates me too..
layaninaa on August 05, 2019:
My dad is a stranger . He dont have a job and always stole the money from my mom and he smoking with a bad small . He is kind with us but bad with mama so she kick him out from the home . He travel far to his family so everybody laughed at him cause mom has kick hom out and that hurt me hard . I talk with him but our relationship is so cold and that make me feel sad when i saw myfriends with they re dads . I dont know why i cant be close with him s i try but i cant and i feel so helpless since he is ill now
Christina on July 30, 2019:
My dad, isn't my real dad. I know that sounds werid and it is. You see my real dad passed away when i was eight years old. I was at school during that time when he had a car accident. My parents were planning 5o pick me up after school, but seems like they had came a across with an argument. I never really found out what they were arguing about. My mom won't even tell specifically what happened. But later on I found her diary and read it. How He didn't have a cat accident, but an attempted suicide. He could've lived, only if those docoters at least tried to save him and not thought about the stupid money! He had a brian damage... The doctors had claimed that he wanted to donate his organs to an old lady that was about to die too. But of course i refuse to except any of this. I didn't want him to go, he promised me and my siblings that we'll go fishing. But here i am with another guy that isn't related to me, or even my bloodline. I wasn't suplose to go fishing with him! Not him! I want my dad! Not this man that replaces whoever he wants! My mom once thought it's okay to marry another man, she thought it would made us let's people to look down on us. She married him when I was 10. Literally 3 years after my dad's death. I knew this man wasn't my dad, but I was forced to accept him. I really didn't like him at all. He had abused my mother! He forced her to have sex with him even before they gotten married!! I don't wnat him but I must. If it makes her happy fine, but now and then I would do something to myself that I shouldn't have done... And I perfect not to say. Let's just say it leaves on marks/scars. I go to a all white school that he forced upon me. I didn't want 5o change schools, but I'll tell you he ain't making my life any better. I would have a school physiologist to talk to me about making "friends". Chay right, friends? I don't NEED them. I'll just blad about my stupid life, and then they'll just spread it among themselves. I just need to be okay for once. Just okay. It's been 5 years now, and here I am, just turned 15. And I will always hate him. I was told when I hate someone dearly to my heart, it means I had murdered them. And I don't mind. I just wanna grow up fast and live away from him. So yeah that's my story, it's not as bad as everyone else's but hey, we all suffer here and there flooding someone. Thanks for listening.
Betty on July 28, 2019:
Hi. I am an 18 year old girl who still lives with her parents. I will be nineteen in December, which is the age of majority in my country (which is when I can legally rent a place or open my own bank account or get a credit card). I am still living with my parents even though I want nothing more than to finally escape. They are emotionally/verbally abusive. I have tried to take your advice on how to talk with them about stuff when they blame me for things and won't apologize, but they literally ignore any points I make if they don't want to accept what I have to say. I would have left right now, even if I can't technically get my own place or anything, but I am afraid because I have lived a pretty sheltered life (I only lived alone when I went on a trip for two months), and my biggest problem is that I am financially dependant on them. I have savings, but they own a bakery and this is literally the only place I have worked my whole life. If I were to leave and find a new job or apartment, they would be my only references, you know? How can I get away from them or at least get over my fear of doing something that will get me kicked out/my savings blocked (as my parent has to be on the account as well)? My dad especially is always talking about how I am naive and won't survive the 'real world'.
athina on July 24, 2019:
my dad seems manipulative, whenever i ask him to do something, he always mentions him dying even if i just simply ask him to clean the dishes while i'm walking the dog. He also blames me for everything, i stay in my room most of the time unless i'm asked to help out, do some chores etc. other than that, i sit in my room and listen to music since i genuinely want to avoid him and if we ever have an argument, he brings it up to state a "fact" although its completely uneccesary. He calls me useless, manipulative, tells me to hang myself quite often and then acts like nothing happened. it's an everyday thing though, i'm used to it. there were some points where it got physical, he kicked me so i'd straight out "fly" into my room so he wouldn't have to see my "disgusting" face. he compares me to other children that apparently behave better, are more fit. i can't talk out to him because the last time i talked out about me having suicidal thoughts, i was called manipulative and a liar. the last time i've gotten a hug, an "i love you" from him (when he was sober) was about 4-ish years ago. Once i asked him why he didn't love me and as you guessed, i got called manipulative for that. it's the biggest thing that brings me down.
Blue Gaves on July 18, 2019:
I hate my dad because he has anger management issues and stress management issues. He shouts at me (not everyday) about how i stay in my room all day. And honestly the reason why i stay here is because I'm afraid and scared of him. If he tells me to do something like wash his car i will do it. Then after i would go in my room again. I'm completely fine going outside when my dad isn't home or when I'm with my mom in the house. I just can't be with him in the living room or any room. I'm never happy around him but I'm always happy with my mom. She is the type that supports me. My dad isn't. We never had a real conversation or a dad and son moment. Maybe when i was a baby or a child. He doesn't even know my age. He just assumes it. And that is also why he gets angry. Assumptions. I took his groceries from the car because he told me to and i did. A box fell but he was not there then he just assumed a threw it on the ground. Then got angry at me saying i stay in my room all day. I really can't seem to talk to him about this matter. All he does is get angry. Sometimes i think why my mom chose to marry him. He is not suitable to be a parent. Probably why my sister stopped school and doesn't have a job. He the type to blame everything on someone else. I'd always cry in my room when he shouts at me or gets angry at me. Maybe because of that i feel comfortable in my room on not want to go outside when he's around. I always laugh and smile with mom around but not with him.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on July 14, 2019:
Sky, it must be very annoying for you. Perhaps you could say to your dad, “I’m not like that, dad. Are you worried about this kind of thing because that’s how you were as a teenager?”
Establish with him if he believes he was trustworthy as a teenager. Develop the conversation from there. Hopefully you can help him see you deserve to be trusted.
Naomi on July 07, 2019:
My dad always throws a pity party when I’m around. It’s all the time. Today, I walked into the kitchen for dinner and my dad was talking to me, and I was giving answers to all of his questions and I was being nice, just quiet because I’m on pms. He just asked why I was being so quiet and I shrugged. He then went on to say how I act like he’s the most annoying person ever and how he thinks I hate him. I will admit, I can be kind of quiet around my family members, but I still am kind and treat them with respect. Another example is when we were sitting at a bench on the forth of July waiting to watch fireworks when my dad said “Hey, look at the tree line, it’s pretty.” I told him I saw because I was focusing on the landscape while they were taking photos. He took that as me disrespecting him, and once again said that I hated him. He never gave me a chance to talk, he just assumed how I felt. He does it all the time and I feel like in my house I don’t have a voice to say anything without it being used against me. What do I do?
Sky on July 06, 2019:
What ab when they never let u go anywhere or they don’t trust u even though u never did something for them not to and thinks you r going to go around and sleep with random ppl even tho u have never done anything like that
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on July 04, 2019:
Kit, I’m writing to you a second time (even before you continue your story). I’m particularly concerned you don’t feel safe at night. Plus I can see there could be big, unexpected problems with your sister, ‘B’.
Because I will also be chatting with Alexis (and anyone else who writes here), I encourage you to scroll down every time you come back to this page. My answers to you might be jumbled in among posts to others. Okay?
Now first, let’s talk about your sister. ‘B’ had the same difficult childhood as you, made even more complicated by being touched inappropriately by your stepdad. And even more complicated when CPS became involved. (She confided in a friend, and suddenly she’s in the middle of a big, emotional firestorm ... feeling as though she had to say she lied.) Geez. That’s a tough childhood.
And now she’s a druggie, living in a trashy apartment with her boyfriend and his mother. Sadly, that’s quite in keeping with how life goes for many youngsters who have been sexually assaulted, and then faced with the emotional dilemma of not seeking justice for fear of upsetting their mother.
I’m sorry, Kit, but my gut feeling is that your sister was telling the truth. And I believe you absolutely must heed her warning to ‘be safe’.
Let’s talk more about her for a moment. (This is important, and will help you better understand my advice to you about other things.)
You said you became aggressive, and that you are an animal person. I’m thinking your sister, B, is also aggressive and an animal person. That cat may be something she truly loves.
I’m hoping you’ll say to her, “Don’t worry, B. I’ll look after the cat, and you can come and get it whenever you’re ready.” I want you to say it, and I want you to mean it. Here’s why:
You need to let go of having any kind of ‘competition’ with B. You are both victims of your childhood. And even though it probably doesn’t feel like it, you are actually both on the same team. You might never be ‘close’ sisters, but you have a heck of a lot in common. In fact, many of the things you have in common are what drive you apart. Particularly the aggression. (If you’d had a younger sibling, I fear you also might have become a bully.)
So please don’t compete with her about the cat. And don’t feel jealous that she’s your stepfather’s ‘favorite’. Believe me, it much less damaging to be yelled at by your stepfather, than to be touched inappropriately.
B has big problems. But they’re not your fault. You can’t blame yourself for what happened to her, and you can’t blame yourself for the path her life is taking!
You can’t blame her, either. She’s trying to cope/escape/survive etc. And unfortunately I don’t see how you can help her work through this process ... other than keeping yourself safe, and babysitting her cat.
On the subject of giving her money, I understand what you’re saying. Yes, there is a danger she’ll buy drugs. And yes, there’s a real risk she might overdose again. It will be a real tragedy if she dies.
So instead of giving her money, perhaps you could occasionally buy her a small gift, like (cheap) funky earrings, or a jacket from a secondhand store. She might seem rude and ungrateful, but don’t be discouraged. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your loving gesture, even if it is in the middle of the night, sitting by herself. To have her sister show love and caring, just might turn her life around.
We hope she will work through her issues and successfully overcome her addictions. But if she doesn’t and tragedy strikes, you’ll know you tried to make peace with her.
I’m trusting you not to make the kind of decisions your sister made. Being safe has a lot to do with your lifestyle choices, including staying away from drugs.
You can talk with me here as often as you need. I want you to be aware of positive options for addressing problems.
For now though, I’ll have to stop writing. We’ll talk again soon.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on July 04, 2019:
I didn’t stop reading, Kit. I was with you all the way. If there’s more, please tell me. I will certainly write back to you with my thoughts, but it makes sense to have the whole story so I can give proper thought.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your writing is not choppy, and I understand every word. I’m actually very impressed by the effort you’re making to give a full picture of what’s going on.
So you rant, and I’ll read. Then I’ll give you my advice. Hopefully I can help you.
Alexis on July 02, 2019:
Ok I'll do it Thursday when my dad gets off work and I would love to come back and talk to you more
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on July 01, 2019:
Alexis, you explain yourself and make your points very clearly. All you need is the confidence to talk with your dad. I’m sure once you accept you have a right to be heard, you’ll be happier to talk.
Nobody else is going to speak up for you about this, Alexis. You have to do it yourself. So take a deep breath and go tell him. “Dad, I miss Mom. I really want to visit her.”
Believe in yourself. I believe in you! So go talk to your dad, then come back and talk with me more.
Alexis on June 30, 2019:
Thank you I will tell you how it goes and hopefully he lets me see her cause my brother gets to see her but he lives with his dad and step mom like me and another reason I want to see her is so my brother doesn't have to feel alone while with her I know how he feels about her so I want to be there with my brother and my mom cause I know their both going threw lonely times and my mother. Is engaged u also don't want to miss her wedding
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 30, 2019:
Muhammad, we all face challenges in life. I can see you have challenges including your health and your difficult father.
You really must not do anything that makes things worse. I hope you will show love and support towards your mother and sister. I trust you will work hard to gain an education, and get a good job so you don’t need money from your father.
Your father can make your home life unpleasant during your childhood. But he can’t stop you from being successful and happy as an adult.
Create a good, strong future for yourself. Welcome your mother and sister to share your adult life and future happiness ... and turn your back on your father.
You don’t have to see him when you are older. Unfortunately you have no choice now, so I encourage you to busy yourself with your study and other activities instead of concentrating on him. Keep your focus on the future. The years will pass and you’ll soon be an adult! I encourage you to be ready when the time comes.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 30, 2019:
Hexy, not every dad is a prince. It would be great if they were, but a lot of fathers are more like toads. Sadly.
I know it doesn’t feel fair to have a dad who is a disappointment.
I also know plenty of kids like you who have grown to be happy, healthy, successful adults ... despite having been disappointed by their fathers throughout childhood.
Sooner or later you’ll have a prince in your life. No, he won’t be your dad. He’ll be some other fabulous guy who enters your life and makes you feel like a princess!
Meanwhile, you just have to put up with the toads, including your dad. Finally meeting a real prince is worth the wait, I promise.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 30, 2019:
Alexis, I hear what you’re saying and I understand. But I’m not giving up on you working this out, and I don’t want you giving up either.
I accept that you and your dad can’t talk without feeling uncomfortable. So the price you’ll have to pay is leaving your comfort zone and feeling uncomfortable for a while. Really, that’s not the end of the world.
I want you to walk up to your dad and say, “I miss mom. I really want to visit her.”
If you don’t say that to him, he won’t know. And if he doesn’t know, he’s never going to change his mind.
Go on, Alexis. You can do it. By making the effort to actually say those words out loud, your father will see how important it is to you.
You’ve told me you want to see your mom. Now it’s time to tell your dad. He’s the one who can make it happen.
Let me know how you go.
Hexy on June 29, 2019:
Hey! I dont feel any connection with my dad. Every girls prince is his dad. But, in my condition he's not my prince nor he's a good human being. He verbally abuse us in our family. He has no manners at all. This is the reason my brother is very non mannered right now because he didn't care him properly. Bad languages, meanest person who think about himself.
Muhammad on June 29, 2019:
My father don't own me he always beat us I have health issues my height is quite small he beat my mother he don't care my sister is less than. 5 feet and now when people become old he will do second wife and do not give any share so I want to beet him and to never see him again
Alexis on June 29, 2019:
Thank you long time mother for the advice but me and my dad we can't really talk to each other without feeling uncomfortable and when he makes up his mind he doesn't really change it and it would probably take a few years to change his mind so I really don't know what to do about my problem and also I would never make the decisions that my mother made but I guess my father thinks I hate her for it but I don't but if he suspects I hate my mom then he might also suspect I don't want to see her but that isn't true and I don't know how to communicate without actually talking
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 28, 2019:
Alexis, try telling your dad that you have to see your mom because it is important to you to continue having a relationship with her. Tell him that you can’t cope with never seeing her. Promise you’ll try to be calm and settled when you come home from seeing her.
I wonder if he’s worried you might end up getting involved with drugs too, because of her influence. Maybe you need to tell him he doesn’t have to worry about that, because you have no intention of making the same mistakes she did, and ruining your life. If you remove his ‘fear’, he might be more willing for you to see your mom.
Alexis, I don’t know what’s really going on with you and your mom. I trust you’ll be safe and not let yourself be put in danger. Please don’t fight to spend time with her if her ‘world’ is in any way unsafe.
But if you believe there’s no danger, take the time to explain it to your father. I think you’ll be pleased you made the effort to help him understand.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 28, 2019:
Your father has no one to blame but himself if you and your siblings choose to ignore him when you are old enough to move out, OllieBoy. He is cruel to be attacking your self esteem by calling you names, and yelling doesn’t help anyone.
Grounding you like that sounds like he’s trying to prove he holds the power. But you and I both know it is petty and stupid. I’m sad that your mother doesn’t stand up for you. I think you need to tell her how you feel. And maybe you can talk to your grandparents ... especially his parents. Maybe he’ll listen to them if they tell him he’s making big mistakes in how he’s treating you.
Perhaps you could address the power issue directly with your dad by saying to him, “I know you’re the boss,dad. You don’t have to ground me or yell at me all the time. Couldn’t you just try being a nice, friendly dad to us for a while, please?”
Be calm, not upset, if you decide to try that. And only say it if you think it won’t make things worse. He might need someone to ‘remind’ him his behaviour is inappropriate. But I don’t want you ‘challenging’ him, if you know what I mean.
Please remember how unpleasant it is to have a dad who behaves like him. Never let your own children in the future feel that way. When your time comes to be a parent, be a good one.
I’m sorry you’re having such trouble with your dad, but don’t let him influence your own personality. Feel good about yourself. It is not your fault he’s so awful. You’ll be so-o-o much nicer than him!
Alexis on June 27, 2019:
My father took an important choice away from me and it has changed my life my mother had done drugs and we had visitation untill one day we had stopped and he told me that I can't see her anymore and my step mom is nothing like her she cares more about ice cream than her own step daughter but what I'm trying to say is that my dad is responsible for me being broken my mother could fix that but he says I act bad after coming home from seeing her
OllieBoy7236 on June 25, 2019:
I only hate my dad because he grounds me for no reason.I remember i got grounded because one day i woke up late and he said i had 5 min to get downstairs. (I have a 2 story house) so i went to the bathroom,came downstairs and he said that i was grounded and i was like Why? He said it was 6 min. So i was only 1 min late and he grounded me.He also calls me and my siblings Stupid,Dumb, and useless.He also yells like a crazy person when hes mad.Even if i spill something he will yell at me. And he always blames me for EVERYTHING
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 23, 2019:
I understand what you’re saying, anon. I suggest you try accepting that your dad is like your dad is. Sounds to me like he’s worried.
I don’t know if it will help, but maybe encourage him not to stress about everything so much. Tell him you’ll let him know if he needs to worry about you, but meantime you’d like him to let you enjoy life.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 23, 2019:
Don’t stress about it, Jack. I’m thinking your dad may well see that he was wrong to complain. First game with a new team ... of course it takes some time to settle in.
I suggest you don’t mention it again. Accept the grounding, but don’t apologise to him. It won’t take you long to settle in and gain confidence with your new team. Don’t let your dad spoil your fun. Hopefully he won’t be complaining in the future, now that you’ve argued with him. Good for you, Jack.
anonymous on June 22, 2019:
My dad always just wants attention and it's always at the expense of others. My mom has cancer again, and he is always over dramatizing everything and I hate it. He gets everything wrong. He says everything like it's so much worse than it actually is. I have heart problems and he's always over dramatizing that too and then I have to explain to everyone how most of the stuff he said isn't true. He's always telling everyone. I hate it so much and I'm tired of people saying it's his way of coping. I'm the child, he's the adult. I shouldn't be responsible for all of this. He also doesn't believe in me at all. When I graduated from therapy he told me I wasn't ready and that I will always struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm just so tired. Tired of his mean, stupid jokes. Tired of having to be an adult. I just want to be a teenager.
Jack camm on June 21, 2019:
After a basketball game my dad seemed very upset with me. He told me I was just walking and out no effort into the game. I didn’t want to argue at the moments becuase I didn’t want to have a all out war with him. But, this is my first game ever playing with a new team, I’m playing a position I never played before, and I work out 2 hours a day and my legs were sore from the workouts. I didn’t tell him this right away to avoid a argument. But then he complains later on the way back home and I tell him what’s going on. And he says none of that is a excuse and proceeds to tell me that I am grounded for a day. The punishment is not bad at all, but I got mad at the fact that I am getting punished for this reason. I told my dad he was being kind of ignorant and he yelled at me after this. I want to apologize to him but he doesn’t want to talk. What should I do?
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 11, 2019:
If you’re happier at your mother’s place, that’s a good thing, Vic99. I think it was a very wise decision to move out. Don’t give in to the guilt trips your dad’s side of the family dumps on you. Tell them you really want to have a good relationship with your father but now isn’t the time, for all the reasons you explained here.
It is hard to know exactly why he’s being ‘better’ with your brother. Maybe he doesn’t want to make the same mistakes he made with you, maybe he’s trying to discourage your brother from also moving out ... or maybe he’s just trying to make you jealous.
Unfortunately, even if you were to move back to his house, he probably wouldn’t be different. I suspect he’d feel like he’d ‘won’ and no longer have a reason to be nicer. I do hope your brother appreciates the difference in his life, thanks to you. It might not be until he is older and more mature, but I believe one day he is going to thank you.
Europe is a great place to visit, but I suggest you go with friends when you’re older. It would be a tragedy to have beautiful places spoiled by your father’s attitude towards you. I’m not sure if he’s taking your brother or just leaving on your birthday. If he’s taking your brother without even inviting you, he’s just plain rude.
I want you to make it your goal to let go of some of the stress, anxiety, depression. Don’t torture yourself over what’s happening with your dad. Concentrate on studying, and creating a bright future for yourself. There will be plenty of years to consider establishing a fresh relationship with your father once you’ve established yourself in the adult world and gained more confidence.
I’m quietly confident your father will have no option other than respecting you for what you achieve in life. And if he’s honest with himself, he’ll respect you for moving out to live with your mom instead of putting up with his bad parenting.
Again, it might take some years but sooner or later I think your dad will be thanking you as well. Particularly if it results in him having a better relationship with your brother. You may have provided him with the shock he needed to make changes in time to stop him from losing a second child from his home.
Too early to tell exactly what will play out, Vic. But I am extremely proud of you for getting yourself out of an abusive home environment! I understand you’ve given up access to your dad’s cash flow, but waking up without money in a home where you don’t feel threatened is heaps better than money with fear.
You’re going to be just fine. Don’t get swamped by the guilt and emotional blackmail. Smile to yourself, and be proud. You’re on your way to a brilliant adult life.
Vic99 on June 09, 2019:
Last July I moved out because I could not take my fathers abuse anymore when I was younger he used to hit and grab me he’s left bruises and I’ve had a sprained finger from the time he went to smack me and I put my hands up to defend myself in the last few years most of the abuse has been emotional and mental making me feel less than. I have a stress/anxiety/depression issue that I’ve been diagnosed by a doctor around the time I moved out anyway I moved out last year because I couldn’t take it anymore everything was always my fault or my mothers even though they’ve been separated for years I moved in with her, the only real reason I stayed with him is because he’s more financially stable and I was going to college I thought it would be easier, now that I’m with my mom things are better but my dads side is mad and they can’t seem to understand that what he’s doing isn’t good. I tried visiting every Friday which took a toll on my Friday night and one Friday I had a fever so I texted him saying I was just going to go home and go to bed he said to just come for dinner but I was exhausted and wanted to sleep was that so unreasonable and He turned around and said I didn’t need to lie even tho up till then I’d been keeping my promise so I stopped going bc I got mad and only went over on special occasions which in my family is at least once a month. My dads side keep saying things like he’s your father and he loves you and just make me feel guilty for leaving and I want a relationship with my dad he’s my father but I need him to understand what he’s done and he just wont he tries to justify it and doesn’t care that I’m hurt or that he continues to hurt me he gave my room to my brother even though he said I’d still have a home there and he’s been doing all these things with my brother that he’d never done before when I was there like skiing and tree top trekking and now what hurts the most is he’s going to Europe on vacation directly on the day of my birthday. I don’t know how to fix this any advice would be great because I’ve been trying to be the bigger person and forgive him but I feel like this is just ridiculous.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 04, 2019:
Cassidy, I want you to concentrate on developing plans to lead a very different life to both your mother and your father when you’re an adult. Don’t be abused ... and don’t be abusive.
It sounds to me like your father’s behaviour hasn’t changed over the years ... only you’ve changed.
Here’s the thing to remember right now. You’ve survived living in the house with him until now. Your sisters survived and moved out. Your turn to move out is coming. So work hard at your schooling and set goals for the future.
I see no point in challenging him, although I do think it makes sense to ask others close to him why they keep making excuses for him instead of actively trying to get him to change.
Perhaps you can turn to your sisters for encouragement. It sounds like they shared the same kind of problems you’re having. At the very least, I trust they can help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You’ll be free, one day. Then you can get out and become the best person you can be. So start dreaming! It will help carry you through.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 04, 2019:
Ada, you are 17 and nearly an adult. Your father doesn’t define who you will become. Free from his control, you can set yourself goals and achieve them. You can create your own happy home and in the future you can leave him behind you.
You’re not alone. Lots of kids (and adults) are embarrassed by their fathers. Don’t worry, you’ll find people judge you for you, not who your dad was as you make your way through adult life.
Cassidy914 on June 03, 2019:
My father is an alcoholic and becomes very rude and angry when drinking. Since I was a kid, I can remember him waking my sisters, my mom, and I up at night to yell and tell us how much he hates us. My sisters are both out of the house now and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. He has zero respect for his family, constantly talks bad about my mom and I can't stand to hear it, and he acts like a crazy person. I hate my dad and everyone makes excuses for him when he's sober (he acts like nothing ever happened). Any ideas on how I can deal with this?
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 02, 2019:
Hello @No one. You shouldn’t have to apologise for sharing your snacks with kids who don’t have any. I think that says you’re a nice person, and I’m proud of you! And your dad is a fool if he thinks you write small to annoy everyone. (My writing is also small. I remember wishing I wrote larger at school when we were told to ‘write one page’ on a subject.
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 02, 2019:
Venting is a good thing .... it relieves some of the pressure. Take heart in the fact you’ll be an adult soon, and your father will no longer be able to treat you badly. You’ll be old enough to turn your back and walk away from him. So just do your best to cope, my friend. Life can get so much better!
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 02, 2019:
@Name, I’m pleased to hear you are looking to the future. That’s the best thing to do. Yes, you will have the chance to leave and start afresh. Try hard to study and develop skills that will help you in your adult life. I’m sure you can achieve great things!
LongTimeMother (author) from Australia on June 02, 2019:
I’m sorry, Ricardo. Hopefully you can watch and learn from those other happy families. When your turn comes to be a parent, I’m counting on you to be a good one!
Name on June 01, 2019:
I hate my dad, he is the most jerk dad out of all he has physically abuse me, ALWAYS BEING CRITICAL instead of complementing me beside he never do, he must be thinking what kind thing i have to be proud with a child like you he always compared me to other family child saying that they were so what he think of his "role model child" he dont that he is the reason of making me stress what kind of thing of a bad dad that he hasn't do i really really really hate him i'm just waiting to be adult and get ready to moved up from this garbage family and house i ,its been thousand of year since i go out from this house beside to the school
Ricardo Avery on May 28, 2019:
I feel like my dad doesn't love or care about me. I see other kids that are happy, and they spend time with their parents. To me, he was never a Dad to me
.... on May 22, 2019:
I'm seventeen years old and since very young my dad has been abusing myself and my family both verbally and when I was much younger physically too. I grew up to fear him because he would always lash out at the smallest things and make it into such a big deal. That's why I have reasons that he is bi-polar, but I can't be too sure. Nonetheless, he's always enjoyed putting me down as a child. I grew up shy with absolutely no confidence or self-esteem, he made me feel weak and small and I grew up believing that I was never enough. The day I fully lost respect for him is when he put his hands on me for the smallest thing. He was angry at something else and so directed his anger on me. He stormed off and got his belt before returning a few seconds later. I sat there frozen and in shock as he repeatedly struck me Luckily my mother heard him and came out to stop him. That day he hit so that I had lines and lashes all over my body. He tried to apologize the next day claiming that he did it "for my own good". I've never seen him the same way since. My older brother suffered even more. He tore his confidence apart with so much verbal abuse as a child and even went as far as pinning him against a wall by the throat. When my brother told me about this, I was mortified and compeltley disgusted. How could a man who claims he loves us hurt us so much? My mother, of course, suffers the most. I wish that sometimes I could just end her pain. As I reached my teenage years I stopped fearing him and began to deeply resent him. Which has now turned to hate. I have absolutely no love or respect left for this man and sometimes my thoughts get so dark that I just wish he could die. Pray that he could die. So that we may be freed from this constant pain and suffering.
sorry this is so long. I just needed to vent. I'll be fine.
:"( on May 17, 2019:
my dad is the one who has the most income out of my parents. he is a seaman working abroad every six or more months. my problem with him, is that he has a short and explosive temper. my brother had troubles with his math work, namely adding fractions, and answered the whole worksheet wrong. my dad saw this and got angry quickly, loudly asking my brother how he got a wrong answer. my brother's lips quivered and he stayed silent. he was about to cry. my dad got annoyed at his silence and threatened to punch my brother, he flinched and shakily answered. he's only in the third grade. the worst part is, that also happened to me when i was his age. another thing, my family keeps on putting those things behind at all times. they never talk about it, my dad never apologizes and they just let it happen, they don't talk and face my dad's horrible behavior. what am i supposed do? i'm now scared of him, i hate him and i don't want to talk to him at all costs. if i express that, my parents will probably threaten to send me to an orphanage or guilt trip me for being a bratty child.
:(( on May 12, 2019:
My father always gets uncontrollably mad over small things. He’s slapped me for yawning. He has made me feel guilty for hanging out with my friends. He has publicly embarrassed me for wanting to put soap in a gift bag, and no, I’m not exaggerating. I’ve told him he gets mad way too much, and I can go on.
I get good grades and stuff but he ALWAYS finds a reason to make me feel bad. He says things to me like “other kids work harder than you, other kids are better than you, other kids deserve more than you”
I can say a whole lot more.
He wonders why I hate him! I don’t know what to do. Help?
No one on May 07, 2019:
My dad is completely normal. He has a job, and he pays bills, and can get things a family needs and wants. He isn't like other people's dads, who are abusive or have secrets (?). My experiences are very childish compared to others. But sometimes he can be mean to me, and I hate it. I know that it's partially my fault, but in my point of view, I think it's his fault. He makes me cry, but I'm not sure if that's good enough, but he accuses me of motivations based on "expired evidence". He said that I gave some snacks because I don't like it, though I feel bad about eating it when others don't, and want to give it to them. Another example is that I write small, and it's just my way of writing. But my dad accused me of writing small on purpose to annoy everyone. I crumbled the paper from anger, and my dad came in and saw it. He got mad, and told me to get out of the house. When my mom told me to come back in and ask/beg for forgiveness, I had a cold, and was hyperventilating. So, that means if I show that I don't like what he's doing to me, he lashes out, yelling at me, sometimes hitting me, or kicking me out. So, that's why I don't "stand up for myself". I have to face him lecturing me about why I don't have manners, and how rude and disrespectful I am. Sometimes, he acts on mild favoritism. My brother has some faults, and my dad knows about them. Yet he gets less frustrated with my brother than with me. When my brother admitted to something, my dad looked at me and said I should be more like him. So one day, I did something, and my dad asked about it, and I admitted to it. My dad yelled at me.
I don't like him, and I feel like he doesn't like me.
I think he's rather hypocritical. He tells me to help fold the laundry, yet he doesn't do anything to help. He tells me to not leave a single mark, he leaves stuff. When I see stuff like this I just scream mentally and think of those cringy memes of people saying 'boi'.
Couponbunny on May 01, 2019:
Get away from anyone who fills you with negative emotion and who themselves are unwilling to do their part in working on the relationship. If you are a kid, find someone you can trust; and tell them. If you are an adult, work on your part; and hold the other party up to their end...at a safe distance. Do not give hurtful persons access to you.
My entire life, I pretended and alternatively swallowed what my insides and brains were screaming: I HATED MY FATHER! And get this, I am not Caucasian (kind of pisses me of, when I hear ignorant ass people say stupid crap like "that's some white folk foolishness". So AAs don't have a full range of emotions? No, that's what went down, when we weren't considered full fledged human beings. Yes, he passed away; and I hadn't seen him for years. And it felt so good not being there for an individual who was an utter failure as a parent. I was there for my most authentic, and honest self. And I made sure I gave him 0 honor; I had no children. The last thing I would want to give him was an opportunity to live on via me. With everything in me, even if it meant no me, I wish he had never existed. He was a monster; and to my siblings dismay, he gets no quarter from me. Whoever you may be out there, your life is yours and yours alone to live. And sperm or no sperm, no other person should get your love, and respect without giving the same to you. I am a Christian; blind honor is not what God teaches. Parents have a deep responsibility to their offspring. Wouldn't it be nice if producing another human life was about much more than responding to a physiological urge?
Aaron on April 27, 2019:
My dad just can't just stop comparing me with other people. Whenever he sees me not studying and being on my phone, he always tells me, "I bet that your friends are going to be more successful than you because you are on your phone doing nothing". And I always get upset why he needs to say that. I mean I did what I was supposed to do. I was on it for like 15 minutes! And plus, he never reads, and he says that I don't read enough like my friends.
I just hate him. I hate my family members that are on my dad side. I get compared with my cousin. my cousin is an SAT teacher, he went to Boston University, which is a pretty good University. My dad always talks about him, "You need to work hard like your cousin, you have to read, study more than the normal kids". I wish that I had a dad who always encourages me, not comparing me.
Hoda on April 19, 2019:
My dad is somehow a successful person who hates to see me succeed.i feel like he is jealous and scared of my succuss.its like he sits and wait for me to lose,and then tell me "i told you so!"
I hate him because as i wanted to gain a position or do something right i should done it all by myself,and he wouldnt be supportive of me.he is also a control freak who refuse to accept things can be done the way except his way.
And when i need him,he would be all angry and critisize me all over again and again,which makes me regret why i even asked him to help.
I hate my dad,i even hate my family name,you would'nt believe!
I sometime even hate my mom when she defend him out of pitty.i think he deserve to die alone.i feel more angry everytime i see him around the house and i should think that i don't have father and his support,but he sits right there and could help me but he refuse to help to show me im nothing without him.
Kat on April 18, 2019:
My dad is in a midlife crisis.
I’m sure everyone over the age of thirteen has heard of one: a man starts thinking of how little time he has left in his life and how many dreams he’s failed to accomplish and goes out to buy himself a new flashy convertible.
They never mention that he usually cheats.
And that he can abuse his wife of twenty-four years for months as she tries to forgive him for the kids.
And that, even after he’s cheated on his wife for five months and she finally gathers proof of the continuing affair before she kicks him out, the kids still want to love him anyway.
He’s your dad, after all.
You get in a hysterical screaming match with your mother about how “he’s your dad and you want to love both your parents” and endure a summer of suffering: not sure how to act around him but wanting to forgive him even after everything he’s done, and incurring the guilt-inducing collapse of your mother for “choosing HIM over me” the entire time.
You have a talk with him, where he says he “never meant to hurt you” and “didn’t realize you were upset when he missed your concerts and games,” and you promise to talk more.
Then he tells your littlest brother, the one you’ve been sheltering since the night it all went to hell, that his dirty cheating girlfriend isn’t his dirty cheating girlfriend, but a friend who’s having a rough time but “saves birds” and has “a heart of gold” after your brother overhears her call him “honey” on the phone.
You give him one last chance. You invite him to your senior day, to be there as your parent. It’s on a Saturday. But he “has to do something for work,” and “was not informed with enough time to cancel.” You know nobody has work on a Saturday, and any real father would miss a day of work anyway to be there for his child, especially when he’s in danger of losing her.
So you stop talking to him. At all. And when he asks you to “at least say hi,” you tell him you know where he was two weeks ago on your special day. You look him in the eyes and tell him you know he’s a liar and can’t believe anything he says as he scrambles to justify his actions.
You think on this exchange, and you realize you don’t even recognize this man you used to call “dad.” He has the same height, same hair, same face, but his eyes...his eyes are the eyes of someone you’ve never seen a day in your life. You think some more, and you realize your real father’s been dead for months, years even, dying since your sixth grade band concert - the first concert he ever missed. This new man is not your father. He has your father’s body, and he shares half of your DNA, but you don’t know him. He is nothing to you.
He invites you and your siblings to watch the Super Bowl at his house. You go, because you are together. You think that together, nothing can really go wrong. Then he tries to play-wrestle your littlest brother, the one you’ve tried to protect since the day it all went wrong. It’s something he used to do with you and your other brothers all the time, but this time, something is fundamentally off. You feel like you’re watching a rape. Your little brother says he wanted him to stop, but he thought that asking would make him angry, so he decided to lay still until it was over.
You don’t speak to him for months. You see him cleaning up his house. You see he plans to go to a concert nearby on the weekend of your birthday. You know he goes to concerts with his girlfriend. You know, then, his house-tidying can only mean one thing. She is coming. On your birthday weekend. And, after all of this, he thinks you’ll still invite him to your birthday dinner.
You begin to plan exactly how you’ll lose it on them when she comes. What else would you do?
Abbi on April 15, 2019:
My dad said he wishes he had never had any children to me and my sister. This isn’t the first comment and I’m sure it won’t be the last. It’s just all building up and that resentment is growing. Just his voice makes me angry sometimes. We were sat having dinner and he randomly said he wished he’d never had children and started rambling on about all the things we do wrong. Why? What does he get out of upsetting me? Pride? Some sick thrill? I’m a very sensitive and emotional wreck and he tells me I need to grow up and get a life. I sometimes think that the only way to get him to see sense would be to kill myself.