I Hate My Dad — Trouble at Home

Updated on December 12, 2017
LongTimeMother profile image

With her children's ages spanning 22 years, LongTimeMother has 40 years experience in parenting - including home schooling and foster care.

Why Would I Hate My Dad?

Irrespective of their age, a child or adult who associates hate with their father has a real problem. Whether that problem is abuse, abandonment, or some other issue, the child who hates their father deserves to be heard.

The ideal emotions associated with fathers include love and respect. When a child says 'I hate my dad', something is definitely wrong.

Over the past 30 years I have heard a lot of children explain why they hate their fathers. Here's some of the main reasons, and a few thoughts that might help.


Kids need support when there is trouble at home.
Kids need support when there is trouble at home. | Source

Physical, Mental, and/or Emotional Abuse

Some dads abuse their children. No wonder their kids hate them.

I find it hard to imagine that any woman would deliberately choose to have a child with a man who would subject any member of his family to physical, mental, or emotional abuse ... but you just have to look at the statistics to see how common abusive relationships are.

When a child says 'I hate my dad', it is important to establish if the child is a victim of abuse.

Instead of simply assuming that the seemingly pleasant man we meet in the street or see at work or at church is a good father, we owe it to every child to give them the chance to tell us what their father is really like.

Many children are victims of abuse. Because they do not have the power, knowledge or ability to resolve an abusive relationship, they require intervention to help resolve the conflict.

If you become aware of a child subjected to abuse, or have reason to suspect a child is a victim in their own home, please arrange for intervention.


Kids Hate Violent Fathers

When a child is abused, an adult should intervene. It might have to be you.
When a child is abused, an adult should intervene. It might have to be you. | Source

I Hate My Dad. He Makes My Mother Cry.

When children see their mother crying, they hate whoever or whatever causes her grief.

You'll hear a child whose mother has cancer say, 'I hate cancer'. After watching their mother's repeated frustration with an unreliable car, a child will commonly say, 'I hate our car'.

Similarly, a child who witnesses their mother's distress during arguments or issues associated with their father is likely to announce, 'I hate my dad.'

Staying together for the sake of the children is often a mistake. If both parents cannot be happy, pleasant or at the very least polite and civil to each other, the emotional outbursts in the child's home are likely to generate emotional responses in the child.

One of those emotions will probably be hate.


A father expressing frustration can be frightening for a child.
A father expressing frustration can be frightening for a child. | Source

I Hate My Dad. He's A Control Freak

Many fathers are genuinely surprised to discover their child hates them.

They worked hard to pay the bills and buy the essentials and provide gifts and afford tuition and yet, after all their effort and willing contributions, their child as a teenager or young adult announces, "I hate you!"

If you deny your son or daughter the space and freedom to explore and experience and exercise their own individuality in their early years, be prepared for trouble as they mature. Nobody likes a control freak.

Every individual needs a certain amount of space for personal growth. If you try to control every aspect of life, there's no room for a child to develop and discover who they are and what they are capable of.

Sooner or later, they will demand the freedom to be themselves. If they resent the restrictions you placed on them year after year, refusing to allow them to make their own decisions, pursue their interests, and have the power to reject the sports or school subjects they had no interest in but you insisted they pursue, don't be surprised if they hate you.


Constant Criticism vs Supportive Advice

If your child can't meet your expectations, you are destined for a failed relationship. Don't confuse constant criticism with supportive advice.

It should be mandatory for parents to regularly tell their children "Well done", "Good job", and "I'm proud of you!"

Every parent needs to learn to bite their tongue and resist the urge to always add "but ..."

Over the past 30 years I have attempted many times to explain to friends of my children that their father doesn't mean to be critical. On every occasion I have had no option but to agree that the many examples they offer of 'fatherly advice' appear more critical than supportive.

I always point out that it seems inappropriate to hate a father who is trying to do his best, and that there are many other fathers who are more guilty of bad parenting. However I can't rewrite history and these kids have had many years of believing they hate their dads.


Keep Your Child In The Picture

Parents might divorce each other, but they should never divorce their children.
Parents might divorce each other, but they should never divorce their children. | Source

Abandonment

When parents divorce, there is no excuse for a child to feel abandoned. If you were actively involved in the child's conception, you have a responsibility to show an active interest in the child's development.

Fathers who are guilty of ignoring their children generally pay the price when the child grows older. Instead of having the company and support of their adult child in later years, it is dad's turn to be ignored.

Mothers who stand in the way of a child having a healthy relationship with their dad simply because the adults have argued and are hurting, are equally guilty of causing abandonment issues for the child.

Children need to feel loved and valued. I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give a child is to speak highly of their father - even if it is difficult to think of nice things to say.

"I'll bet your dad would be proud of you if he could see you today," is a wonderful gesture to a young child whose father lives far away. By hearing reference to their dad in positive conversations during their early years, a child can grow up feeling as though their father is interested in them even if they are not present or actively involved.

Of course a phone call from dad or the chance to phone him after special events is even more helpful. When parents divorce each other, they shouldn't 'divorce' their child.


Making The Child Feel Guilty

A child discovers their father is having an affair. This is a surprisingly common problem for teenagers. Do they tell their mother?

  • They feel guilty if they don't tell her. Mom's doting on dad and clearly loves him, but he's cheating on her. She's keeping his dinner warm and making things nice for when he gets home, but all the while the child knows he is with another woman.
  • They feel guilty if they do tell her because all the tears and heartache somehow seems to be their fault.
  • Or they feel guilty because they didn't tell her when dad eventually leaves her years later, wishing they'd given her a chance to find a new partner when she was still young.

Either way, a child who suffers the pressure of keeping a secret about their father's affair - or the trauma associated with revealing such a secret - is likely to end up hating their dad.


Don't Shut The Child Down

My first response to anyone who says “I hate my dad” is to ask the question, “Why?”

It is wrong for us to assume that we know more about the situation than the speaker. Too often, a child who claims to hate their father is silenced quickly without anyone bothering to ask why.

Generally someone interjects with “No, you don't.”

Often it is the child's mother, trying to smooth ruffled feathers and prevent further conflict.

What Message Are You Sending Your Child?

Every child hopes for active involvement from their dad. Disappoint them often enough and they are likely to give up on the dream. He hates me. I hate him.
Every child hopes for active involvement from their dad. Disappoint them often enough and they are likely to give up on the dream. He hates me. I hate him. | Source

Bad Dad Compared To Other Fathers

Any father can give the impression they don't love or care about their child when:

  • other dads attend sporting events to watch their children play but you don't
  • other dads spend time going fishing or playing ball with their kids but you don't
  • other dads talk and laugh with their children but you don't
  • other dads tell their kids they love them but you don't
  • other dads seem like 'real' dads ... but you don't.

If you don't express your love for your child both verbally and demonstrably, don't be surprised if they don't express love for you either.

If your child thinks, rightly or wrongly, that you hate them, there is every possibility they will mirror that emotion and hate you right back.


If you hate your dad ...

What is the main reason you hate your dad (or simply don't love him as you feel you should)?

See results

The Best Hope (Perhaps The Only Hope) A Hated Dad Has To Redeem Himself

Cross your fingers and hope that your child grows into an adult who can see and respect your efforts to do the right thing. If your child hates you now but you honestly believe you don't deserve it, keep trying to reach out. One day they'll have a lot of questions, and you'll want to have the right answers.

  • If you are getting a divorce, address the specific ways you want to be involved with your child as part of the divorce settlement - and stick to the agreement.
  • If you're having an affair, admit it to your wife. Then tell your child you are to blame and they have no reason to feel as though the divorce was their fault.
  • Send birthday cards and gifts even if you know your ex-wife won't pass them on. When they are older you'll want to be able to look your child in the eye and say, 'I sent you a card and a present every year. I'm sorry if your mother didn't give them to you.'

Let your grown child decide how they feel about you once they have the facts. But until then, don't blame them if they don't know what's really going on. You can't blame a child if they hate you. You have to earn their respect, and deserve their love.


I Hate My Dad. And It's Mom's Fault.

If you are the mother of a child who rarely sees their dad, make every effort to keep dad alive and well in your child's heart. Their self-esteem can be directly linked to how they believe their dad views them, and a teenager with low self-esteem is more likely to get into trouble.

When negotiating a divorce settlement, insist their father send birthday and Christmas cards every year. Also make sure they agree to accept any phone calls from your child and to always be loving and supportive.

Perhaps the most difficult issue to address is the knowledge that a child's father was violent - irrespective of the circumstances. Somehow the child must be helped to know any trouble was not their fault. Their dad, after all, was the grown up. He should have been able to control himself and make better decisions to protect their relationship.

Encourage your friends and family to resist the urge to speak badly about the child's father in front of them. Of course it is important to answer their questions honestly, but don't be brutal when dealing with a child's feelings.

Be gentle and thoughtful in your response to a child who genuinely hates their father with good reason.

Sometimes you might just have to admit, 'It's okay to hate your dad. I'm sorry he wasn't a better dad to you, because you deserved the best!'

If Dad Doesn't Know When To Stop.

If a child is repeatedly treated badly by their father and their mother never intervenes or takes action to put an end to their misery, the mother should understand why she is hated too.
If a child is repeatedly treated badly by their father and their mother never intervenes or takes action to put an end to their misery, the mother should understand why she is hated too. | Source

How To Be A Better Dad

If you want to be a better dad to your kids than you've been before, identify where you have been going wrong and take steps to change it.

One of the most obvious areas for improvement with many fathers is the amount of quality time you spend with your child. First you have to get your head around what quality time actually means.

Kids who hate their dads may have had a father who spent a great deal of time at home - but how much time did he actually spend paying attention to the child? Watching the television or entertaining your adult friends doesn't count just because your child was in the room.

Fathers who have to force themselves to set specific times aside when their child becomes the center of their universe (instead of genuinely being pleased their son or daughter wants to spend time with them) ask, "How do you do that?"

It is not so difficult - particularly if you have the right attitude. The hardest part might be turning your phone off, but phone calls are interruptions, and should be avoided.

  • Read a book aloud - from beginning to end.
  • Play a board game - until there is a winner.
  • Play outdoors - until a pre-designated time.
  • Set a task - and complete it together.
  • Have fun together - until their favourite tv show begins.
  • Go fishing - until it is time to go home for lunch.
  • Play 'paper, rock, scissors' until the school bus arrives.
  • Dance like crazy people - until it is time for you to go to work ... and then dance out the door and out to the car. Kids love stuff like that.

The most important element of any of these suggestions is the natural completion point. Have you ever noticed how many fathers spend too much time trying to bring activities to an end? Then, because it is such a hassle, they don't bother starting another activity in the future.

If you are a father who has disappointed your children too many times for them to even bother asking or expecting you to spend time with them, you are in serious trouble. Before you know it, your sons and daughters will be fully grown and they will probably leave you out of their lives, just as you are ignoring them now.

Reach out to your children and make a serious effort to be a better dad.

  • Suggest a game or activity (with a natural completion point) and make sure you both enjoy the experience.
  • Get to know each other.
  • Ask each child about their friends, school and sporting activities.
  • Tell them about your childhood, share jokes and fun stories.
  • Smile. Laugh. Play.
  • And don't forget to listen.


You should know the names of each child's best friends, what sports they play, which days they play them, the teachers and subjects they like most at school, any problems they have, and any challenges they face.

A good dad knows all about their kids lives, and gets involved in them.

If you haven't attended at least a few games each sport season, arrived early enough to watch your kids in their dance or karate class, and offered to take each child and a friend for a movie or a meal a few times in the past year, you'd better start doing those things now.


When Children Become Adults

I believe it is important to remind every child that the time will come when they can leave home and live without the fear of what mood their father will be in when he comes home at night.

Anyone who is able to endure their childhood years will have a chance at making a fresh start and deciding just where their father will fit in their future lives. Kids grow up.

If you want your kids to love you, not hate you, you need to make the kind of memories they'll remember fondly as they look back on their childhood. Spend time with your kids and enjoy each other's company.

Unless, of course, you know you can't be trusted near your children and they have good reason to hate you. In which case ... stay away.


Questions & Answers

© 2013 LongTimeMother

Please share your thoughts ...

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 36 hours ago from Australia

      You and your brother are adults now, Chez. You can move out and stop allowing your father to bully you and boss you around. Don’t just move around the corner, move to a different city a long way from his home. If you get on well with your brother, you could both go to the same place at the same time, and support and encourage each other.

      You can blame your father for ruining your childhood. But you only have yourself to blame if you allow him to ruin your adult life as well. If you let him take you for granted, he will keep doing it. If you can’t stand up to him when he’s close by, move far away.

    • profile image

      Chez 2 days ago

      I can remember from a child I was always called fat pig by my father! He always to me and my brother to restaurants and fed us well but then called me fat pig! He use to hit us if we had fun in the house or if we laughed! He was agressive to our mum! He tortured our pet dog! And now that we are grown adults he continues to abuse us in a negative way! He demands total respect and service from us like all our time and we have to clean up after him wash his dishes clean his bedding tidy his room wash the floors and his windows clean his clothes help him with any shopping and also any building work that he needs help with! Doctors appointments and hospital appointments all need our time and attendance! And we do all the above but he still continues to shout at us and swear at us and is very aggressive towards us! It’s like he never wanted children or that he hates us! He is very mean to us and intimidates us or belittles us in front of people! It makes us cry! I’ve reported him it doesn’t make any difference!

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 3 days ago from Australia

      You are doing well if you’re avoiding arguments, Anok. He’s not much of a father figure, which is a shame, but I doubt he’s likely to change.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 days ago from Australia

      I don’t know how old you are, Shweta, but running away from home exposes you to a whole of other dangers and problems so here’s what I suggest. Instead of running ‘away’ from your family home, figure out a way to run ‘to’ someone you trust. That could be a grandparent or other relative ... or some other trustworthy family of a friend. It could be as simple as phoning them up and asking them if they can collect you to stay for a few days. Then talk to them about your problems and see if they can help.

    • profile image

      Shweta 7 days ago

      I hate my father the most in d world.. he is abusive towards me physically as well as mentally.. I want to run away from house as even my mother never understand n support me.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 9 days ago from Australia

      There’s an awful lot of a hassle and heartache when parents get divorced, but most kids find life is much more peaceful when their parents are no longer fighting and yelling every day. There’s often a much better chance of developing better relationships with them both, as long as you don’t ‘take sides’.

      You could say to your parents, ‘Do you know how dreadful it is for us kids to have you two fighting all the time? Why are you still together if you can’t be happy and nice to each other?’

      They might try to be nicer to each other. Or they might split up. Either option sounds like it would be an improvement. I’m thinking they might need you to point out it isn’t helping you kids to be living in a battlefield. They both should figure out what will make them happier ... so you kids can be happier when things settle down.

    • profile image

      Anonymous 11 days ago

      I don't understand my feelings towards my father. Sometimes he is super fun, and I enjoy hanging around with him, but sometimes I just hate him. He and my mom fight all the time, and he is so mean to my mom. Then she tries to contain her tears but can't, and it makes me cry too but I can't tell anyone about it. Also, he bullies me and makes me feel guilty for my flaws and for things that I didn't even do. He gets mad really easily, and yells at my brothers and threatens them and makes them cry, which also makes me cry. He takes advantage of all of us, and gets even more mad when I avoid him because I just don't like being around him. It scares me that I got some of my personality from him, because I, like him, keep arguments going because of my strong opinions. I don't want anything to do with him, but I can't help it and I hate that. I fight with him a lot too, but it's only because he says mean things that I know are wrong, and I want to get it across to him that he doesn't rule the world. But he doesn't listen and instead says mean things to me and makes me cry. I try to tough it up and block out the feelings, but when I'm alone I'm broken. I'm good at acting happy in front of other people, but I'm not. I'm fortunate to have him, he provides for my family, but I just wish he would be nicer and would listen. I accidentally came across my mom and dad's texts, where I found out that my dad hurt my mom and that it was "too late to save their relationship." The only reason they're still together is because of my brothers and I but it's not some gift with them still together but screaming at each other all the time, either. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who has this problem, but I just want to know what to do without needing to learn to deal with him because he's the only dad I'll get.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 11 days ago from Australia

      Hi Annie. Study hard and maybe you can become a lawyer and someday a judge ... or a powerful politician. If you get work in some kind of helpful role within the Court system you might be able to make positive changes. Sadly it won’t help you and your mother right now but it would be great if more kids like you step up to implement changes when you’re older. There will always be women and children in need of help.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 11 days ago from Australia

      Stop and think, Cassandra. While I understand you feel sorry for your father and you're afraid something might happen to him when he's alone, you are 21 and should not be living in such a toxic, intolerable environment. Particularly now your mom's gone. So let's talk ...

      I'm sorry your mom died. I'm sure any mother would want their child to lead a full and happy adult life, and even though your mother was not emotionally strong enough to encourage you to get out and have fun and create your own future, that's what she should have done. She chose to stay with your dad for whatever reason, but you honestly don't have to stay with your dad and sacrifice your happiness the way she did.

      The chances of your dad dying in a car accident are very slim so that's not likely to be an option to fix your problems. You say he's 'too old' but when I was 21 I thought 60 was old, and 70 was ancient. But I've now seen so many people live into their late 90s that I fear you might become stuck in your house with your father until you are 30, 40 or even older.

      Geez, Cassandra. You don't owe your life to your father. He made his decisions as an adult, and those decisions spoiled your childhood. You get to make your own decisions now that you're an adult, and I hate to think you'll allow him to spoil your adult years as well. You are the one who can change things, only you.

      Please believe me when I tell you there are lots of lonely old men living alone who cope just fine. Yes, he'll probably complain when you move out but he should be expecting it (even though he doesn't tell you). And you know he's narcissistic and everything he says and does will have his own welfare as his only focus. So you have to be strong enough to stand up for yourself and follow through on walking away from him.

      You don't have to save up to rent a whole house and buy furniture etc. If you have a job, figure out how much you could afford to pay for a room in a shared house of other youngsters (or even a room in the home of a nice, friendly old lady or a family that's nothing like yours was.) Perhaps you have a friend who would have space for you to stay. Then you can go to work, happy, and come home, happy, and save your money to fund the next stage as you progress through life. Get a new job in a place that's busy with lots of young people so you make new friends.

      It is incredibly important to stay away from drugs and limit your alcohol so that you don't spiral down into self harm. Your goal should be to 'climb up' not 'spiral down'. Appreciate your freedom every morning when you wake, and make the most of every day. Form new relationships with people you like and enjoy, and your father will simply have to do the same thing with his new living arrangements.

      What your father does is not your responsibility. We go through life knowing one day we'll get old, which is why we have fun when we're young and then settle down and work hard to raise our children, save money and plan for how we'll cope when we're old and our kids have moved out. If your dad didn't think that through at any time in his life, he's a bigger fool than he already seems. But that's his problem, not yours.

      Look at it logically, Cassandra. I don't know how much money your father has but he can rent out your room once you're gone. There's bound to be some other cranky old man who'd be ideally suited to keep him company. Their rent can help him pay his bills.

      If your dad doesn't cook for himself, it is time he learned. Youtube will teach him anything your mother used to do for him. He doesn't need you to do it. And there may well be 'Meals on Wheels' or some other similar service available if he needs it when he is really old.

      Your father has been alive for a lot longer than you, Cassandra. He's old enough to figure out what he's going to do all by himself. Don't let him guilt you into believing that you owe him your young adult years. You don't!

      Move out and move on, Cassandra. Create your new life with the goal of being happy and one day having your own family to love and care for. Stay away from men like your father and never allow yourself to become trapped in an unhappy marriage like your mother was. There's a whole world out there waiting for you, and there's a multitude of fabulous young men who will make loving, caring husbands for women like you. Don't be in a hurry to find one, but know that there's at least one brilliant guy out there who will cross your path when you're older and happier and ready to settle down.

      For now, however, you need to get out into the world and start growing into the confident and capable woman you're destined to become. Walk out your dad's door and start living your life. Tell him you're sorry that mom died, but your life is just beginning and you have to get out and live it.

    • profile image

      Annie 11 days ago

      My dad has always mentally abused me, my sister, and my mom and we've told people about it. My mom has spent 3 years on the divorse and all her money and the court still doesn't believe us. Maybe because we're kids or women or whatever reason, but courts shouldn't be ignoring this, they need to change.

    • profile image

      Cassandra 12 days ago

      Eversince I was a child, I've hated my dad. He abused us verbally, physically and mentally! He cheated on my mom when I was little and they used to have arguments about it all the time! He thinks he knows everything and every person in the world should obey him, otherwise he would yell at us, hit us or he might even kill us! He's too religious, narcissistic, selfish and intolerable! I wish he dies in a car accident whenever he leaves the house!

      I lost my mom recently and it made everything just worse! I hate him even more and I blame him for my mom's death! I'm 21 and I live alone with him, I cant even move out because he is too old and I dont dare live him alone for Im scared something would happen to him when he's alone! We barely talk since whenever I sit next to him we end up fighting! He is too lonely and I feel sorry for him eventhough he deserves to suffer in loneliness but i hate him too much to help! I dont know what to do anymore!

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 13 days ago from Australia

      Keira, you need to talk with your father when his friends are not around. Ask him why he keeps embarrassing and humiliating you in front of his friends. Tell him if he wants you to treat him with respect he should pay you the same courtesy. Ask him, ‘How can you possibly think that it is okay to treat me so badly? Do you want me to grow up hating you?’

      Remind him, ‘You’re my father.You’re supposed to protect me, not humiliate me.’

      Ask your mother to stand up for you. She should tell your father (and his friends) to grow up and treat you with respect.

      You could also say, if you feel confident enough, ‘If you want to play rough, get a dog. Don’t expect me to amuse you!’

    • profile image

      Keira 2 weeks ago

      My dad makes me cry. And he knows I’m soft. Whenever I cry, he laughs at me and his friends laugh. He’s a completely different person around his friends, he jabs me in my stomach with this hands and laughs at me for saying “Ow!” He touches me in places I don’t want to be touched. And I can’t deal with it anymore... thank you :D

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Ananya, perhaps you and your mom can remind your dad of all the good things you do, and help him change his expectation that you should be 'perfect'. This would probably be an ongoing exercise.

      So, for instance, when he's telling you off for breaking one of his rules, just say 'It would be nice to be perfect, but I'm not.' And when he breaks his own rule, you could gently say, 'You've (done the same thing), but that's okay. We accept you're not perfect either.'

      If you and/or your mom does something he appreciates or admires, you could remind him, 'Yes, there's some things we're really good at. At the end of the day, that's got to count for something.'

      Look for gentle ways to help him change his way of thinking without angry confrontation.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Samuel, how old are you? And how late do you want to stay up? What other things does he stop you from doing? Kids of different ages should have different expectations. Tell me your honest age and I'll share my thoughts.

    • profile image

      Ananya 2 weeks ago

      my dad always sets "rules" that only apply to my mom and I. Yet he does the exact same thing. And if we ever call him out he:

      1. ignores us

      2. yells at my mom for "being a bad influence" yet he is the one who causes the issue

      3. blame's my school yet again it's just his bad parenting and anger issues

    • profile image

      Samuel 2 weeks ago

      My dad is a control freak. I tired ways to have a good relationship with him. When we have a convocation he turns it into’ a lecture. How what can I do he also doesn’t let me do things I want to do like stay up late I have my homework done complete have A’s.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      I've answered the most recent comments and started working my way back through comments that slipped past without giving me notification. If you read down through the comments and I've not responded to you yet, sorry. I'll write more tomorrow. :)

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Sarah, you don't have to be a 'believer' to be a good person. It sounds to me like you're making good choices in your life.

      Yes, he certainly sounds like a control freak. It is hard to imagine what right he thinks he has to check what's in your rooms now that you and your brother are adults. Especially when he's the visitor! I suggest you buy a filing cabinet you can lock, or something similar. Then if he challenges you, you can point out that you're adults now and it really is none of his business what you have in there.

      At 22 and living away from him, I think you should be able to begin standing up to him. If you're not comfortable challenging him (and I understand that might be the case), you could simply start ignoring him and 'blocking' him to encourage him to keep his distance and respect your space.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      To the kid with a dad living at his grandmother's house, I'm not sure why your comment was deleted by the administrators. Perhaps because the names you called your father or perhaps because you wrote the entire message in capital letters. I'm guessing 'both'. Anyway, here's my answer to you.

      You say your dad lets his emotions about his bad relationship with his own father get in the way of his relationship with you. I'm not sure how you could change that other than to try saying 'You're not your father. And I'm not you. So why can't we have a healthy relationship with each other instead of reliving his relationship with you?'

      If he has six kids all with different mothers, he clearly has a problem with commitment. Sadly, it will probably take some kind of 'miracle' to turn him into the kind of father you want (and deserve). But I'm counting on you to learn from your father's mistakes, not repeat them. When your time comes to be a parent, I trust you'll do everything different (and better) than your own dad's poor performance. You can succeed where he's failed. Please don't lose sight of that as you grow older.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Ak. You're not the only one to wish you'd never been born into your family. Some people hit the jackpot with great parents, and others don't. I think one of the challenges for kids in your position is managing to keep yourself out of trouble. When you don't have supportive parents to help get you back on track, it is even more important to stay out of trouble.

      So I suggest you stay well away from weed and other drugs because if you end up in trouble with your school or the law (no matter how minor the infringement may seem) your dad is unlikely to intervene in a positive way. And your mother sounds like she couldn't cope.

      Remind your dad that the day will probably come when telephones come as microchips under our skin and are charged by movement, but until that day arrives a phone is just another thing we have to carry around. And sometimes the phone is out of reach or out of charge.

      Perhaps you can jolly him into feeling a little stressed about the phone by saying generations of parents had to cope before mobile cell phones were invented ... but I'm not sure how easy it is to be jolly about anything with your dad.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Tanu, you are 17 which is great news because your adult life is not far away. I'm glad you're good at your studies. I'm hoping you create a wonderful new life as an adult. I'd like you to have the chance to leave your dad in your dust. Don't let his influence slow you down or spoil your dreams. You can succeed, I'm sure of it.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Janessa, I understand your frustration. You're certainly not stupid. Lots of kids (and adults) have trouble with mathematics. He's a fool if he threatened to spank you for needing help with homework.

      Talk with your mom about the possibility of getting another phone if you think you need one, even if it is a really cheap phone only useful for calls and texts. You can get through the day just fine without needing an iphone 6.

      If your parents are still living together and your father really is cheating with two or three other women, I suspect you'll see some real fireworks at some stage when your mom finds out. You might ultimately get your wish of your mom finding someone else. That doesn't mean he'll be a great father-figure, but it would be nice if he is.

      Whatever happens, please work towards creating a positive future for yourself. Stay on top of your school work and homework because your education gives you good skills for when you're an adult.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Megan, does your dad go to work? Does he leave the house and function away from your family, or is he always locked away in his room?

      I understand your desperation to try and fix things but you know there’s no real ‘quick fix’, don’t you.

      I’m happy to chat with you and see if I can offer some ideas or understanding. First, however, I need a clue about how old you are, and your brother. I’m also interested in whether or not your mum has a job. How do your bills get paid?

      Does your dad have other family or friends who might be able to get involved? Anyone he listens to, or used to listen to? Your grandparents or an uncle, perhaps?

      I will certainly keep chatting with you but please don’t keep checking back expecting an instant reply. I try to write on this page at least every 24 hours, sometimes more often. But I have a lot of demands on my time and I’m juggling lots of things. So please don’t be disappointed if I don’t get straight back to you. (You can write as often as you like if things change while you’re waiting for me.)

      I’m saying this because I see now you wrote to me 11 hours ago. I hope you haven’t been anxiously waiting for my reply. Some kids are lucky and I see their comments quickly, but that doesn’t often happen. It is midnight here now. My crazy day didn’t allow me the chance to check for messages earlier, sorry.

      But stay in touch. I’ll try and help. :)

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Lily. Thanks for your encouragement to all the other kids who read this page.

      I spend part of every day talking to kids with dads like yours and I hope they are getting the message to be better parents when their time comes. We should learn from our parents’ mistakes, not repeat them.

      I don’t believe you are evil for wishing your father would die. It is perfectly natural to dream of an end to a source of suffering. That doesn’t mean a child should plot to kill him of course, because that would be ‘evil’, but I understand the dream or the wish.

      I’m not quite sure if you’re saying you still live at home at 26. I hope not. You wouldn’t be ‘running away from home’ at 26. You’d just be moving out. I hate to think you might still be putting up with him in your mid 20s.

      If you are, I encourage you to apply for a job in a different city or state. Move far away from him and make a fresh start. Have fun, feel free, feel safe.

      Don’t stay at home because of your mom. She’s an adult and has to be responsible for her own decisions. In many ways I think it would do her good for you to move far away. She could come and visit you sometimes and experience the ‘freedom’ of being away from your dad. Perhaps she’ll follow your lead and decide to start her own new life. Who knows ... perhaps when you move far away your father might become a slightly nicer person, getting a wake-up call that he’s driven you away.

      You’re 26, Lily. Don’t let your dad continue to rule your life. Years are passing and you must not let your youth pass by without striving to achieve your own personal goals.

      Here’s a quote from a fabulous young woman called Gabrielle who wrote to me a few months ago. She’s now following her dream of becoming a neuroscientist after finally becoming strong enough to stop allowing her father to control/ruin her life ...

      ‘My dad now seems so figuratively small compared to the giant beast I used to perceive him as.‘

      I’m hoping you can reach that point too, Lily. Go confidently out into the world, create your own happy life, and your dad will seem less like a giant beast.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Mike. Truth be told. your dad probably thinks you’re wrong 99% of the time as well, which is evidence that the two of you are on completely different pages. It would be much healthier if you could both see eye to eye at least half of the time.

      I’m going to give you a link to an article I wrote that I’d like you to read. See if you can introduce this concept for communication into your own home. Ideally you and your dad will each feel as though you have a chance to speak without interruption ... and be heard. Hope it helps.

      https://hubpages.com/family/Reducing-the-Need-for-...

    • profile image

      Megan 2 weeks ago

      My father never comes out of his room, like rarely, only to go to the bathroom. I barely talk to him because of this and it has severely ruined our relationship. He is very angry all the time and says that no one wants to talk to him. But when we go to him he pushes us away. He's always screaming at my little brother, who has adhd and odd so he doesn't really understand what's going on, and yells at my mother saying get the f*ck out. It's gotten so bad now that he kicked my mother out of their own bedroom and makes her sleep out on the couch. All my dad does is lay on his bed, watch Tv, well that's pretty much it tbh. I'm sick of his cruel words he says to us. Honestly I'm worried for him, he has gain a lot of weight over the past 2 years of him doing this to himself. I never see him and it's upsetting, I'm angry at him but I want things to change so we can be happy again. I got really fed up with him today because he made my mother upset, so because he doesn't want us to talk to him I sent him a text saying that how he's treating his family is wrong and he needs to change because we care about him. He has read the text but no reply. It's sad to say that because he is literally right across from me but the only thing blocking us is the door. Please, I really need advice right now.

    • profile image

      lily - vivi 2 weeks ago

      so.. I was thinking I was the only one.. but appears that I see my situation in all that comments ... my dad ? hm, traditional , religious , homophobic, sexist, racist , narcissistic , suuuper egocentric , sadistic, jealous,super control freak i think a bit psychopathic as well. he thinks he is the god, knows everything and has right of everything . I think with this diagnosis I said everything about his behaviors . he manipulates every time , he abuses psychologically all the family members .. and the most horrible thing is that i am 26 years old and still cant say aloud everything what i think, still afraid him because i dont feel safe. i really believe he can kill me if i dare to say everything , or to run away from home. till i was 13 years old he just didnt care about his children , but when he remembered about us he became real monster, taking us in the church by force , controlling us like a maniac . abusing my mom physically. he never beats me cause i always do what he wants and likes but it just made me so tired, so frustrated that sometimes i even wish him to die in a car accident , or by some disease and so on . maybe i am an evil to wish own father a death... but such kind of persons just don't deserve to live. they are toxic , they are poisons for everything and everyone ... but still, i see here comments of children and teenagers and i am already an adult who cant fight her monsters... wish you all of you piece and freedom , strength and it is known that when children grow and have their own children, they treat them like their parents were treating to them .. so please never copy your fathers behaviors , never .

      love ,

      Lily

    • profile image

      Mike 2 weeks ago

      My dad is a overreligious person always trying to shove religion into everything

      Anytime u try to talk to him or amswer his question he wont shut up and listen he keeps going on with the same bullshit.

      He always thinks he is right when he is wrong 99% of the time.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi friends. I’ve just written back to a few of you, and discovered a bunch of comments without replies. Please don’t think I’m ignoring you. Somehow they slipped by me. I’ll have to find time to work backwards and see who I’ve missed.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Dinglebop. Everything you wrote makes perfect sense. I wonder if your dad will see it, as you suspect. Sometimes I wish every dad was required to read the messages kids write to me. If they could see the hurt they cause, I like to think they’d try to change.

      But unfortunately too many parents seem caught up in their own ‘space’ and fail to look at their relationships through the eyes of their kids.

      You’re 16 now. Not long to go and you can move onto adult life. You can’t get your childhood or teenage years back, but you will have survived them ... and that’s a great achievement. Life gets better when you’re old enough to make your own decisions, I promise.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      You have a good attitude at 11 years of age. You can see the problems with your father’s behavior, and you are determined to succeed despite them. Good for you. Concentrate on doing the best you can at school, and building good relationships with friends and other family members.

      Your dad won’t have such a big role in your life as you get older. You’ll grow up and leave him behind you. Stay strong, yes. But let yourself be soft and caring towards those you love and respect. You don’t have to be strong all the time.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Max, don’t give your dad the power to hurt your feelings so much. You’ll find that if you don’t care so much about what he says, it won’t hurt so much.

      I think the best thing you can do is just quietly think to yourself, ‘Here he goes again’ and accept he’s just annoying that way.

      Then get on with your life without dwelling on it. He might change as you get older, or he might not.

      You probably can’t change your dad, but you can definitely change your own attitude towards him. If you don’t really care what he says, you take away his power to hurt your feelings.

    • profile image

      Dinglebop G 3 weeks ago

      My dad picked me up, brought me over and threw me on the bed while yelling in my face when I four. It was because my plant died, and he didn't care; so I said "what if it was you that died". Now keep in mind, when I was a kid, I would sometimes kill insects - and my parents would say this exact thing to me. He doesn't let you not forgive; like if he apologizes, then he feels entitled and will get angry if you don't say yes.

      He's just a very negative person, he makes mocks me sometimes, but can't take what he dishes out. He's also a control freak and literally hides electronics (I'm 16). He doesn't let me go out with friends, and openly criticizes them (maybe because they have different backgrounds? Hypocritical because my mom's Asian).

      What's more, he's very nosy. He will pick up the other phone to listen to conversations, walk up quietly behind you if you're using the computer. He questions you when doing anything, and overall doesn't trust me.

      Because of this I don't trust him either, this forces me to do stuff I want to do in secret (like this very thing).

      He's very conservative and LOVES Trump. He's quite intolerant and criticizes the music or TV shows I like. I avoid talking to him, and he wonders why.

      He will hardly ever admit he was wrong. He's pretty aggressive, but not very smart, And only now am I not scared of him. He's backed off a bit now that I've started lifting.

      He's not all terrible though, he sometimes swings around and is the opposite (gets religious). He's sometimes a prick, but I don't think he knows how much I dislike him.

      Wouldn't be surprised if he found out about this.

      And dad (or to any other dad snooping on this site lol), if you are reading this; sometimes you have to give your children their independence - and I'm not talking about some fake stuff where you make them believe. Sometimes I know you may be trying to protect, but in the end you're doing more damage than good. You are hurting both your child and relationship with them. I have social anxiety because of my control freak parents - and once it starts it's an endless cycle. Adolescence is an important stage in a person's development, don't risk damaging their lives and losing your future relationship with them.

    • profile image

      name 3 weeks ago

      i hate my dad he is very mean and he picks favvorites he yells a lot im only 11. but i stay strong and i wont let him break me

    • profile image

      Max 3 weeks ago

      I hate my dad because he is not supportive of me. He constantly says I'll grow out of it or I've lost my mind. I know he loves me, but It hurts too much to be around him :(

    • profile image

      Janessa 3 weeks ago

      My dad is annoying and I'm tired of his attitude. I'm only 13 years old. He takes my phone for NO reason at all. He yells at me if I don't text him good morning. And he doesn't know that I have to keep his secret from my mom that he's cheating on her with 2 or 3 other women. I hate what he's doing and how he is. My cousin and 2 best friends only know. Also my dad acts like he gets his feelings hurt when he's actually hurting me. He doesn't know a lot of stuff I do and I feel like he thinks I'm stupid...when I'm not. I have trouble with math....and he gets really mad at me when I need help. When I was little like 6-10 and I needed help with my homework he would yell at me and threaten to spank me with a belt. I don't and still don't think I needed a threat or penalty for me needing help with homework. At this point I feel like I don't need him in my life....although he pays my phone bill, my mom could personally buy me and whole 'nother phone. Today I was on my way up my stairs, he tells me to give him MY phone and he says I'll be right back, he comes back 10 minutes later with a bag of food for himself. He didn't bother to ask me if I wanted anything he just took my phone and left. I still don't have my phone back. He just recently (Christmas) bought me an iPhone 6....I personally feel he just bought me the phone to take it away for stupid reasons like: forgetting to text him in the morning, not seeing his calls, and forgetting to call him when I'm doing something else with other people. He tries to cover it up with the "I'm not tryna be mean I just get worried when your no with me" speech. It's honestly feeling like he wants me to be thinking about him and him only 24/7. I swear I need a different dad, or for my mom to find someone else. I just HATE my dad.

    • profile image

      Tanu 3 weeks ago

      My dad is the worst dad in world .he don't know how to deal with kids I am 17 and he never uttered a single nice world for us. He always abuse my mother and us ..he just love his son .he even didn't give a single penny to my mother. My mother have to do it all alone.he belated by sister brutally .he is just a single dogmatic person .. he is so called orthodox who only love his boy....I hate him so much.. I am good in studies .if by god sake I become something in life I see through him like hell...

    • profile image

      Ak 3 weeks ago

      Idk man if this makes him a bad father or not?. The thing is I try to do stuff with my friends or whatever and he won’t let and that’s fine, but he has such a big ego, like I can’t even get mad at him, because he gets even more mad because i got mad. He hit me a couple a times I don’t care about that though, because those times was actually my fault. He gets mad if I don’t pick up his calls, like if I told him my phone was somewhere else, he would get so tense and worked up saying “what the hell did I buy you the phone for then?”. I just can’t stand him, one time he smacked the shit out me for making a sigh sound (I thought he wouldn’t hear). I like my mom I guess, she not trustable with secrets thou because I told her I tried weed and she freaked out and started thinking I’m a fucking crackhead who can’t stay away from drugs. I sound like a bitch saying this but I wish I was never born in this family. Like why tf couldn’t I have a normal dad.

    • profile image

      Sarah 3 weeks ago

      He emotionally manipulates my mom and tries to do the same with my brother and I. He is a narcissist and always talks about himself. He has cheated on my mom. He is a hypocrite and asks my mom and my brother on what I'm doing/weather I've got a boyfriend behind my back. He doesn't accept my religious choice (I'm a non-believer, but ironically don't drink often, don't take drugs don't engage in casual sex and don't harbour violent views like he does, yet he worries that I have lost god and will go to hell). He is a control freak and checks what my brother and I have in our rooms when he visits us even though he is 19 and I am 22.

    • profile image

      Aaralyn 3 weeks ago

      He's sexist towards women and it's so frustrating

    • profile image

      Gracie 3 weeks ago

      I hate my dad as he never bothers to see me. My mum and dad got divorced when I was 4 and my brother was 3. Living in the place we do now, I see daughters with their dads while he texts my brother everyday without fail but never texts me. My friends always talk about their amazing dads but I just want to sit and cry.

    • profile image

      Rose 4 weeks ago

      I hate my dad because abusive, not physically, yet, maybe. He gets angry over the simplest of things, and then turns violent. Sometimes I fear he will actually hit me. He is horrible to my mother, callng her an addict and a horrible mother. I hate being home, because then I can hear all the arguements. My dad doesnt care about us, its him and his car, thats it. He refuses to work out anything for our financial situation, which is bad btw. And just today took 80 dollars out of the wallet. Sure, he worked to earn it, but come on, we are desperate. He judges my mum for her mental issues, and calls me ugly, and fat, and things that make me feel like crap. I hate my dad....

    • profile image

      Jac 4 weeks ago

      I hate my dad because whenever I do something wrong or do something that is not up to his standards he would just scream at me. The worst part is he always compare me with that one kid in school that is getting better grades than me even though I am better than a lot of other people. When I try to tell him to stop screaming and comparing me to other people the screaming just gets worse. Because of this I rarely smile at home and is always sad. Because of that my dad gets even more mad(I don't know why). Right now I am 13 years old and I have a sister that is 18 years old and is currently in college. I think my sister feels the same about him because my dad treats her even worse.

      Another thing that I HATE about him is that he make my mom cry because he always thinks that she is stupid and quote from by dad "Cannot do shit".

      I searched up I hate my dad on google because today when we were driving home from school I asked if I can get my string changed on my violin. Right after I said that he got mad because he somehow started complaining about how I am not practicing enough violin and finally said "if you're not my son I would not even look or talk to you because of how dumb and retarded you are."

    • profile image

      Really private 4 weeks ago

      I think i hate my dad because he is a weed addict and thinks its fine so he doesn’t hide it and also he married my know step mom who nobody in my family gets along with because she is lazy and kind of a control freak and she doesnt give a shit about his kids who are my brothers and pretty much hates and punches one of them and on top of that my dad has cheated on her about 4 times and so has my stepmother again with about 2 guys and i am not sure if they know but i think they do and they still dont do anything about it so i am not sure what to think because my father should be my live example not someone who i think is a completely selfish person who doesnt care about fixing his own life

    • profile image

      Anonymous 7 4 weeks ago

      I was on here last 3 days ago but i've changed my name so you can Identify me quicker . This are a little bit better. It seems like he feels bad for doing that. I am 13 yrs old and my brother is 16 yrs old. living with other relatives is not a very good option right now, my mom is a nurse and she has a crazy schedule. The thing is that my dad is not some crazy stupid dude. He has a PHD is the Philosophy of education. The thing to me at least he doesn't know how to control his anger/or keep his ander in something specific.

      I just feel like i'm only here in his eye to do work . He's so quick to reword my 2 other brothers but when it my turn he says " o you can just do it and get something you need to be consistent. I just dont know whats going on with him.Maybe it's because his dad was always working and sometimes he needed to leave the state because of it but for some reason he fells the need to always be in my business And maybe because he "was never beaten" when he was growing up he think it is the right way to raise a child. I just know When i have my own kids, I will never be like this.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 weeks ago from Australia

      Georgie, if your sister is an adult and is willing to have you live with her, that sounds like a positive move for you. Which part of the world do you live in? Does your government provide assistance and support for kids in your position? You should put google to work and find out if there’s legal advice and financial support available to help you make the move.

    • profile image

      georgie 4 weeks ago

      I'm a 16 year old girl and my dad has beat me until I was 13 he beat until I had bruises and a cut on my head I want to go live with my sister right now but my dad wont let me what should I?

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 4 weeks ago from Australia

      OMG. He beat you? You can’t put up with that. It seems my last suggestion to you made no difference. (Did you try it?) What a shame. I was hoping it would help. Well, let’s talk about what you could do now ...

      You are not happy living with your dad and stepmom, and obviously they’re not happy living with you. So where else could you live? With your mom? Grandparents? Other relatives? I understand that might mean changing schools and making new friends, but don’t let that stop you. You need a fresh start, away from your toxic relationship with your dad. Who might you be able to live with?

      I will watch for your next message when I check my mail each day so we can talk more about this. Don’t give up, my friend. We’ll figure out something to help you. By the way, how old are you now? And how old is your brother?

    • profile image

      Anonymous 5 weeks ago

      I wrote last on this site 12 days ago and thing have gotten even worse. My dad last night beat me because i was not in bed(it was 9:13 pm) even though my brother was still walking around and didn't even shower he hit me. I am so sick and tired of this B.S daaaang. My dad doesn't even let me watch tv on weekdays or even let me play gun games. LIke even his dad let him do those things, but no i have a control freak in my house to deal with.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 weeks ago from Australia

      You certainly need to do something to ease your suffering. Can you access a therapist to help you work through your issues?

      Your letter reminded me about an interesting article on the subject of shyness. Perhaps you’d like to look at the exercises to get used to the sound of your own voice. Here’s a link. https://pairedlife.com/etiquette/MyShyness

      You need to become more self confident and start interacting with people outside your home. There’s a big world filled with lots of interesting people. Please try to venture out and make new friends. Accept that you’re old enough to break free of your parents. They seem happy to live without changing things. That doesn’t mean you can’t make changes. Try new activities and make new friends. Go in search of some fun!

    • profile image

      Suffering 5 weeks ago

      i hate my dad. A lot. I am 34 years old now, and I suffer from frequent deep depression, OCD and social anxiety. I still live with my parents because I’m unable to work and earn enough money to live on my own. I don’t have friends and it’s hard for me to socialize. I wish I could get well, work, and have a normal satisfying life but years of therapy doesn’t seem to help me enough to get out of this hole I’m stuck in.

      I hate living with my dad. I’ve never felt a warmness towards him because ever since I could remember, he had a hot temper and was violent. As a young girl, I’ve always wanted to move away with my mom. And now, he’s mellowed out a bit because he’s older, but he still makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable. My mom and dad still live together, but my mom likes to sleep separately and use separate bathrooms. Some days they don’t talk when they come home from work bc they just watch tv in separate rooms. Also, he doesn’t seem to have appropriate boundaries or at least, he doesn’t respect mine. He always used to give me hugs and kisses when I was little, but I never liked it and I still don’t. But he still tries to even though he knows I don’t like it. He tries to grab my hand in the car and hold it even though I say I don’t like it. I lock the door to my room often and he gets annoyed by that and the other day when I said I was changing, he shook the door handle long enough so that it unlocked, looked in my room, and said what was taking so long. He’s obsessed with outer appearance and plastic surgery, and once said to me that his friend’s daughter was getting breast implants and that if I wanted breast implants, he would pay for it. He boasted what kind of dad would do that for his daughter. One time, I was going on the toilet quickly and the door to the bathroom was cracked open slightly. When I was done and opened the door, my dad’s face was right there outside the door. I don’t know what he was doing, but it freaked me out. When I mentioned it to him, he says he doesn’t remember doing that. Also, when I say no to his physical affections or to spending time with him, I feel a lot of guilt; yet I feel anxious and unsafe inside if I do spend time with him.

      He makes me uncomfortable and anxious, not to mention how I grew up fearing and hating him. I told him once that I don’t know if I can forgive him for his violence, but he said only God could judge him. I know I am a fully grown adult by age, but inside emotionally I still feel like a child. It’s like my growth was stunted. I can’t seem to grow up and be stable. Does it sound like I’m overreacting? What should I do? Is there anything I could do.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi, Ash. I understand why you’re so disappointed. Your dad let you down big time, didn’t he? He obviously knew 11 years ago he’d not be leaving you the property you hoped to inherit. I believe you’re right to be angry at your dad, and I suspect it is also your dad’s fault that his friends and family didn’t raise one finger to help you. You can’t even really blame your stepmom. Here’s why ...

      If your dad was unhappy with your stepmom he should have left her. That would have put an end to her treating you and him badly. Even if he didn’t leave her, he could have taken her name off everything. If he wanted to leave things to you, he should have made a Will.

      Sadly it sounds like your dad knew you were getting nothing when he was on his deathbed, and didn’t even apologise to you. Telling you to ‘make some money’ was a very strange thing to say. I can’t understand why he didn’t tell you he loves you and that he’s proud of you. Especially after you said what you did.

      If your dad never once stood up for you Ash, and never told you he was proud of you, he was cruel. Very cruel. I can see you don’t have a good relationship with your stepmom but, to be honest, that has a lot to do with your dad as well. He was with her for over 11 years. He should have been making an effort to build bridges between you both. But he didn’t treat you with respect, and we don’t know what he was saying to her (and promising her) all that time.

      You’re wasting your time being angry with everyone else, Ash. Disappointed, yes, because you’d hoped things would turn out differently. But your anger is misplaced. If you’d had a better dad he’d have been honest with you instead of letting you dream you’d inherit the land. (I’m not sure how you thought his wife would be taken care of after his death if you got the land, but maybe he was richer than I’m guessing.) Either way, he should have had this conversation with you.

      I don’t know how old you are now, but I trust you have the willpower and energy to work hard and create your own wealth. Not because your father told you to ‘make some money’, but because you’ll want to have something to leave your own wife and kids when you’re old and your time is up.

      And I trust you’ll be honest with all of them, and treat them with the love and respect your dad seemed incapable of showing.

      Walk away from today’s problems, Ash, and create a better tomorrow.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 5 weeks ago from Australia

      You’re welcome to ask your question, Kayla.

    • profile image

      Ash 6 weeks ago

      I hate my dad not because he was cruel, but because his 2nd wife is an evil, black hearted woman who always hated me and treated me and my dad like crap. My dad died with no will, my stepmom got everything. She cleaned out his cash safe and started selling his things as soon as he died. Wouldnt give me my own guns...i looked up the deed to the house and 40 acres, and saw that 11years prior he had put her name on everything with rights of survivorship. This was land that was my birthright, which he had promised me since i was a small child. I can never forgive my dad for never once standing up for me. On his deathbed, i said how much i loved him and how proud i was to be his son...he looked me right in the eye and said nothing. Wouldnt say he loved me, never in my life said he was proud of me. All he could think to say was 'make some money'. I hate you dad, you betrayed your only son and broke your promise to me. I hate my family and dads friends for not rsising one finger to help me. Stepmom said everything was hers and shed make sure i got nothing. I am angry all the time and hate everything in my life. I dont trust anyone.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 6 weeks ago from Australia

      I feel sorry for your dad. It can’t feel good having everyone hate you. Here’s hoping he makes changes in his life and becomes a nicer and more responsible person.

    • profile image

      anonyums 6 weeks ago

      MY parents are divorced and my dad is differnent and i hate him and so do all of my classmates and his girlfriend and everyone he knows. He is annoying. My mom hates him too

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 6 weeks ago from Australia

      I’m counting on you to uphold your commitment to be nothing like your dad. Save your kids from the heartache.

      So, now that your dad has heard you say that you hate him, I wonder what would happen if you ask him if he wants help to stop drinking and turn his life around. He might have had such a shock he’s ready to receive some kind of medical intervention. It might be worth a try. Although there’s every chance he still won’t see the real problem and you’ll be disappointed again.

      I understand your relief. It can feel really good to be honest.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 6 weeks ago from Australia

      Never slap your father, Reyana. That would just invite more trouble. I think you’d be better saying, ‘Could we please all be nice to each other?’ and things like that.

      If your mom is too sick to get out of bed, she should say you and your dad will have to cook or order takeout meals. He may not have thought of it. And he won’t change his ways without encouragement. It seems your mother has allowed herself to be treated badly for a long time. She should be saying, ‘If I was well enough to cook dinner, I would. But I can’t do it tonight. You’ll have to cook or order takeout.’

      If his bad behaviour goes unchallenged, it won’t change. But don’t challenge him with physical violence.

    • profile image

      Anonymous 6 weeks ago

      I just had a big falling out with my dad. I told him for the first time, a feeling I have felt building up for the last five years, that I hate him. I cannot comprehend how big of a moment this was in my relationship with him. It feels like a relief to have gotten this off of my chest. Since I was 12, my dad has repeatedly been losing his job. While I, my mom, and my sisters have had to experience the frustration, sadness, fear, and stress of these difficult times, my dad has resorted to drinking to solve his problems. Whenever, he was worried about his job or irritated with dealing with the rest of the family, he chose to drink. From these moments when I was 12 to now, this is the man I have grown up knowing. But how can I show respect and be proud to call him my father when he is only a coward, oblivious to the pain he is causing the rest of his family? My mom has talked to him countless times; he stops for a day or two and that's it. After this, I find he has alcohol in his usual places hidden throughout the house. I've learned by his voice, by his walk, by his face to tell in an instant whether he is drunk or not. There have been times, during sports seasons, where I would come home from practice at around 6:30 every day to find him drunk on the couch, and it is this side of him is all I would see for months. It's pathetic. It's disappointing. It's embarrassing. When I am an adult, I will look back at who my dad was when I was a teenager and see the pitiful man my father is. It is from this time in my life, that I have learned to aspire to become nothing my father is, and everything my father isn't.

      He screwed up.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 6 weeks ago from Australia

      Sounds perfect for you, M. Having friends and a cousin there already should make the transition easier. And hopefully the time you spend with your parents will be happy. You’ll have lots of news to tell them. Make the most of this opportunity and appreciate your parents’ gesture. Your future looks brighter now.

    • profile image

      Reyana 6 weeks ago

      Hi im 17 yrs old. My dad behaves very rudely to my mom and at times with me too. He just dosen’t have manners to speak with us. At times he just starts yelling at us, mostly at my mom. He has made my mom cry so much with his rude behaviour and bad words and i swear whenever i see her cry, I just feel like going and giving a tight slap on his face. How dare he hurt my mother! And he is rude to me too.. Once he said a thing which rarely a child must hv heard.. ‘WHY WERE YOU EVEN BORN’ . How can a dad say that to his only daughter?

      In addition to all this, He never cares for my mom. Even if she is too sick to get up from the bed, he dosen’t ask my mom abt her well-being or what happened to her. He dosen’t even take the initiative to order out for dinner. My mom has to cook even that time. I hate him that time. A lot.

      Another thing is he never ever appreciates me in my studies. How much ever good marks i get, he never appreciates me by telling well done or great job!!

      But if i get low marks even once, he’ll discourage me like hell.

      I hate him. All this just makes me hate him

    • profile image

      6 weeks ago

      A few of my Family friends and my cousin study in that school. Its Marymount International London and I believe I will be happy. Sure I will miss my parents but they are willing to pay for my ticket back to Pakistan every Holiday so I most likely am going to see them after ever 2 months , and since they also have the visa they will be visiting in between.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 6 weeks ago from Australia

      In many ways I think moving away to boarding school could be great for you, M, including your parents are prepared to pay for it.

      However i don’t know anything about the school and you’ll be a long way from home if you don’t like it. Are you going to negotiate what happens if you’re not happy before you leave? Or do you know others at the same school and feel confident you’ll be happy there?

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 6 weeks ago from Australia

      I know of two young people who became millionaires before their 21st birthdays because of apps they created. One was only 19!! So if you have the skills and the imagination to create something popular, you’re never going to be starving. Don’t worry about what your dad says. Any apps you create along the way are certainly worth mentioning on your CV .... as well as being potential earners.

    • profile image

      6 weeks ago

      My father and mother are constantly fighting , ever since I was 8 they would be like "I want a divorce" or "I cant take it anymore, just leave me and go whever you want". At first hearing these comments through my thin bedroom walls coming from the living room would make me cry . I would lay in bed crying myself to sleep and blaming my 8 year old self for everything. over the years I got used to it. I even wished they would get a divorce because I know living with one parent would be easier then living with them both . I know shouldn't say this but what do u expect me to say. Finally a month ago they had a major fight. Thought it all was gonna end , but it didnt . Hence the next day I sat both of my parents down and told them that I had have enough. That i couldnt live like this. I didnt want to live like this . So I came to conclusion that by august I would start my new school year in London at a boarding school. This statement made my mom cry and even my father bribed me ( knowing my love with bags ) with a Chanel bag. But at this stage I didnt care for bags or diamonds or whateve. So I ask you is it the right decision to move to a boarding school , away from all this? or should I stay? p.s I am currently 14 and in the 9th grade from pakistan. Plan to join the boarding school at the start of 10th grade in august.

    • profile image

      adityaRawat99 6 weeks ago

      I am a software developer(on a beginner stage) and also a B.tech student. I usually spend most of my time on computer developing apps rather than reading my syllabus. That's what he says. He says I should also study my course, which is perfectly correct, I SHOULD.

      But the way he tells me makes me feel like he is a real dick.

      He could've said it like:

      "The 'THING' you are doing is perfectly right, there is nothing wrong in improving your skills. But at the same time you should also focus on your syllabus so that you score marks enough to sit in the interview of a reputed company."

      Instead, say it like this:

      "The 'THING' you are doing is completely useless. You wont get job by doing this. You will end up jobless and will starve for even a piece of bread. You are pathetic and worthless piece of shit. You should immediately drop this and go back to studies."

      He discourage me every time I try to do something different. Sometime that makes me feel that he is right because he has more experience than me. But not this time. He may have infinitely more experience than me, but now I know he really hates me. That's why I have come here to express my anger. I don't ask for a solution to deal with my father, I only ask for a solution to deal with assholes.

      Also, he used to have some fucked up relationship with my mother in the past.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 6 weeks ago from Australia

      Floyd, some dads speak without actually thinking about how their words hurt their kids. Can you talk with your dad or your mother and explain to them how you are feeling?

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 6 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Anonymous. My advice to you is to try to turn this around by changing your attitude. You say they’re expecting you to get into trouble. I understand that’s really annoying. However this is what I think might be happening ...

      I’m guessing that when you get out of bed every morning you’re expecting at least one member of your family is going to really annoy you, and you’ll be yelled at by the end of the day. (Which is probably true, I can see that.)

      I’d like you to get out of bed saying, ‘Today is going to be a good day’ and be determined not to fall into the trap of snapping or complaining or any other negative behaviour.

      Rise above the things that annoy you and make it your goal to get through the day with a smile on your face. It may take a while, but I think you can do it. And once you start being ‘different’ you should find people treat you differently. Give it a go and tell me what happens.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      I understand your position, Jatin. Just two years since your mother died, you’re obviously still grieving. But that’s no reason to abuse your father. He’s going through his own process and leading his own life. You’re 18. If you can’t cope with seeing your dad with his new wife, ask your dad if he can help you get move out. Sounds like you’d all be happier.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      Avoiding your dad is probably your best option right now, Victoria. But venture out occasionally and see if you can engage him a conversation. He might surprise you one day.

    • profile image

      Floyd 7 weeks ago

      I hate that my dad is verbally abusive and it just hurts my feelings

    • profile image

      Anonymous 7 weeks ago

      My dad is always believing someone else instead of me. And if i do something bad he wants to tell the whole world.But when my brother does something worse he say to my mom i´ll tell you later i dont want to say it in front of him(me). And my step mom thinks she is all that and is as always waiting for me to get in trouble.Ugh!!! so annoying.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      It is good to see you looking for a way to reduce arguments with your dad. Perhaps you could actually ask your dad if he understands why you both argue so much ... and how he thinks you could be closer through your teenage years.

      This can be hard to get your head around, but lots of parents ‘expect’ their kids will be trouble. So they kind of get in the habit of scolding and arguing. Some kids do the same thing. They expect their parents to become ‘the enemy’ so they start treating them that way.

      If you explain this to your dad, I’m hoping you can both agree to only argue when there’s a genuine problem or conflict to address. In other words, if your grades are good he doesn’t nag you about homework. In the same way though, you have to do the right thing and respect his right to ask you how your homework’s going - without you overreacting and accusing him of nagging you.

      Compromise and mutual respect make teenage years really peaceful. That’s what will work best if you can achieve it.

    • profile image

      Disboygaming 7 weeks ago

      Hi, I am 13, my father loves me and cares about my grades, but we argue a lot. I feel like are arguments are pushing us away, what should I do, I already work hard to improve my grades, I want us to argue less.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      Jasmine, your challenge is to help your husband see what damage his actions can potentially cause. I’m sure he doesn’t want his kids to hate him, and I like to think he’ll make changes to improve things if you explain to him simple ways he can spend quality time with your boys. I gave a few examples in this article.

      If he’s been warned and chooses to ignore you, he’ll have no one to blame but himself. And you’ll know you tried.

    • profile image

      Jasmine 7 weeks ago

      You made some excellent but heartbreaking points. My little boys say they hate their dad. He is a great provider but not an affectionate man. The boys are very strong willed & there is often a power struggle going on. I think their anger comes from seeing how angry, impatient & intolerant their dad is.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      Make the move, AutoNiel. All you need is a bedroom in a shared house with other nice people. Don’t try renting an entire place for yourself because the bills are much cheaper when shared, plus you don’t want to spend money on a fridge and furniture at this early stage.

      Live within the limits of your budget and enjoy the emotional freedom.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      Harming your father isn’t going to help anything or anyone, K. You’d ruin your life and break your mother’s heart. I’m sure she expects you to have a happy and productive life. You’re 27 now and have much better options available to you.

      Either help your father get better and be nicer to be around, or help your mother to leave him. I don’t understand how you can possibly think that being ‘insanely angry’ with him is appropriate. You’re his child, yes, but you’re nearly 30 and it is time to grow up. You need to start thinking and behaving like an adult. Here’s some thoughts for you ...

      Some people simply can’t say ‘I love you’, no matter how much they feel it. If your dad ever did nice things for you when you were a child, he was telling you he loved you in his own way.

      If you want to hear him actually say he loves you, try making it easier for him. If you say, ‘I love you dad’ enough times, he should be able to say ‘I love you too’.

      Dismiss your anger because it is inappropriate. Step up and try to help. Jolly your dad into coming to the beach with you or a movie or somewhere else. Reintroduce him to some of the fun things in life. Play card games with him, or a 2-person PlayStation game or whatever you have available. Get involved in helping him become involved in things that might break the cycle of depression. Offer to go to the doctor with him so you can ‘both’ make sure he gets some help and advice. Tell him you love him and want to help.

      If you’ve devoted 6 months of effort and it makes no difference at all, talk with your mother about what she wants to do. At least you’ll know you’ve tried to repair your broken dad. At the moment though, it sounds like you’re not contributing anything at all to finding a solution.

    • profile image

      7 weeks ago

      My mom's the most loving and caring person in the world. My dad, on the other hand, is not. I'm 27 now and in my entire life, I can't recall 1 single time where he said he loves me (or my sis).

      For the last 7-8 years he's been having 1 issue after another. Constantly being on sick leave at work doesn't do any good. He's been home now for the past 9 months and he thinks he's not ready to work. He's had a fractured shoulder and has a physically demanding job so couldn't get back to work straight away. Now because he's been at home for so long, he's gotten into a depression a couple of months ago and it's been a disaster. He doesn't want to go to the psychiatrist, doesn't want to take medicine, etc.

      He doesn't do anything around the house, doesn't speak and is generally a pain in the ass the be around.

      Everything that's wrong in his life is society's fault.

      It doesn't occur to him that the reason people barely visit my parents' house anymore is because of him. It doesn't matter if you say it to him or not, he doesn't care.

      Until recently my mom could deal with it (they've been sleeping apart for the last 4 years or so) but I find her crying a lot lately. She won't admit it but she's nearing the end of her patience with this man I am ashamed to call my father.

      I am insanely angry at him and afraid I will do harm to him if this doesn't stop soon.

    • profile image

      AutoNiel 7 weeks ago

      He's verbally abusive. It's really exhausting. Control Freak. It's fine that he was able to financially support as, but all I can say is he's just my biological father but not a fatherly figure at all. I've been hating him since childhood up until now. I don't want to see him. He has lots of comparison and negative comments about my decisions in life that made me a lot more perfect and better. I'm a good child, I'm working right now in one of the top institutions in our country. But he's against it because simply he doesn't like it. He wanted me to apply to the private company he was working on, but I have a standard rule that my work and my family won't be mixed up.

      It's tiring. I want to transfer to another house or apartment. I can somewhat support my self already.

      It's okay for me to be stressed out because of work but it's not perfectly fine when it's emotional stress.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      Michael, you should be planning your own role as a father. Maybe make some notes to yourself now in a nice little notebook, keep it safe and read it at least once every year when you have kids of your own.

      As for your relationship with your dad, I think you need to give him a bit of credit for the contribution he has made financially. In an ideal world he’d have been emotionally and financially supportive. But let’s be honest, your life could be much more difficult if he’d ‘divorced’ you when he divorced your mother.

      Your dad’s made his own decisions and lives with his unhappiness. You need to create a future where you can be happy and lead a happier life with your future family.

      I hope you get out with your friends and have fun and share laughs. I suggest you make regular visits to a local comedy club and expose yourself to the sound of laughter ... and joining in. You should try to make laughter part of your comfort zone now that you’re an adult so you can be natural with it in the future. Learn from your father’s mistakes.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      Mattw6482, you are way too smart to ever pick up a knife. You know it would simply create much more stress and anxiety for yourself and everyone around you. So forget about that and let’s look at other options.

      Alcohol is obviously a problem for your father. You need to remember this because you may have a genetic susceptibility to similar reactions. I hate to think what might happen if ever you were both drunk. Make sure you always remain cool calm and collected when you are near him.

      I suspect you’re probably getting a better idea of why your mother might have left without warning. Can you talk with her and ask if you could live with her now?

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      Ally, you are lucky you are only visiting. I think your best attitude is to just accept that your father is the way he is. You and I both know you can’t change him. So try and avoid clashes with him. Enjoy your mother’s company and don’t spoil her day by having arguments with your dad.

      Consider putting up with your dad as the price you have to pay as you complete your education. No need to feel guilty. Just get on with your life.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      Macy, it sounds like your dad is capable of being nice at least sometimes. I think it would be worth trying to remind him his anger is misdirected. Try saying things like ...

      ‘If you’re angry with someone at work, could you please yell at them and not me?’ And...

      ‘What exactly have I done to deserve you to speak with me like this?’ Perhaps the one that will make him stop and think is this ...

      ‘Do you really want me to hate you? Because you’re really hard to like right now.’

      I’m thinking it would help if your mother has a talk with him and asks him to reflect on the change in dynamics in your home right now.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      Garrett, it is okay to cry. I believe it is a perfectly natural (and healthy) way to let our hearts grieve when we feel hurt. With time we all seem to be more able to control our tears, but even when we’re old we still cry sometimes. I’m hoping you’ll develop ways to avoid your father and busy yourself doing other things. Friends and other family can make life more pleasant.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 7 weeks ago from Australia

      Hold on everyone, I will attempt to answer you all. I’ve also noticed a number of comments have come through the new ‘Questions’ section in this article. (I didn’t add it. It is a new feature from the web host and more complicated for me to keep track of.) I will copy and paste existing questions from there to the Comments section and answer them there. As soon as it is cleared, I will arrange to have it removed. Sorry for any delay.

      If you write to me I will answer you, but please use ‘Comments’ for our conversations. Thanks.

    • profile image

      Michael Barberry 7 weeks ago

      My parents both come from difficult homes. My father's father is a cold, distant moderate alcoholic with abusive tendencies. My dad tries to do his best to be better than his own father, but his experiences as a son make him a bad father. He never told a 'dad joke' - not one - in fact, I cannot remember one time he actually enjoyed a proper laugh. Nothing I do is enough for him; he is constantly critical of all of my major achievements, including earning admission into an elite graduate school. Sometimes he will provide a small compliment, however, all of the other times he is critical of me - 99% of the time - make the 1% seem like 0%. He paid a lot of money for me to graduate with a bachelors degree and to him that is a big deal. To me, earning money for me is not being a father. I want someone to talk to me, to care about who I am and what I like, and to laugh with me. Money cannot replace happiness. And I feel like he is unhappy. His unhappiness is a disease that clouded our family until my parents divorced when I was 12. He promptly married and produced a child with his former secretary who is 17 years younger than him. Now he is in his 60s with a 10 year old son. To make matters worse, he is never available to have a frank conversation. He lies about his affair, to this day he has not admitted the truth. He even lied about her name for a full year since they were still working together at the time and he could have been fired. After the divorce, he would eat dinner with me and my younger brother at a chain restaurant for 1.5 hours on Thursday. That would be it for the entire week, and he would show up late to pick us up every time. I am trying to see things from his perspective and provide him with the understanding that his father never provided him instead of fighting with him for not being who I want him to be - the father that I deserve.

    • profile image

      Mattw6482 7 weeks ago

      i generally dislike my father for the reason being he gets drunk a lot and tends to hit me for next to nothing. He likes to torment and tease me and when i do it back to him he threatens me and sometimes while drunk slaps me. He has abused my mother and step mother multiple times on different occasions. has grounded me out of nowhere for nothing. i have had times where i want to go out to my kitchen and either stab myself or stab him for all the shit and stress he has caused me. I have depression and anxiety from him. i was 7 years old when he locked me in our basement with only bread crusts to eat for a day because he had gotten extremely drunk. there has been times where he has mentioned my mother as a whore even though she was faithful to him when they were married. Refused to allow my mother to call me for 5 years straight after she left out of nowhere. Deprived me of being able to do normal childhood activities so yes i can say i hate my father with something more then a passion.

    • profile image

      Ally 8 weeks ago

      I am not sure what methods I can use to cope with my father. I am visiting home from break for school and haven’t lived with my parents in a long time.

      I realized after research that my dad is definitely narcissistic. I can’t even stand being in the same room as him. He constantly exaggerates every story or event that has happened, he tells the same stories from years ago over and over again and constantly needs all the attention in the room. You cannot reason with him either, if you give any ounce of criticism he rages or acts like a child. I have never understood how I am in the position of feeling like I am the one who has to parent. I feel like sometimes I may resent him because my mother and I are close and she is totally awesome. He really seems like he doesn’t care about the way he makes us feel because as a child he was definitely emotionally abusive. It makes me realize that I am not wrong to dislike him but as for now I need to find a way to live with him. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling this way but I cannot help it.

      Please let me know what I can do!!

    • profile image

      Macy 8 weeks ago

      I don't know how to explain it. I mean he was absent for the first 1 and a half years of my life and till i was 6 years i really didn't see much of him, as he had a night shift and i had to leave to my school early. it was when i started my 2nd grade that we actually started getting closer. For my 4th grade we moved back to my hometown, things were looking up. I started getting way more comfortable around him. But in 9th grade, he started to lose his temper. My mother and I summed it up to his Office tension and we were right. but lately, he's getting angry more and more. I dont completely hate him but i kinda dislike him. Yesterday, things got even worse when he called me 'arrogant' and 'selfish'. it hurt me. so i started ignoring him. what do you think I should do but i don't want to talk to him cause on numerous occassions i compromised but this comment bruised my ego very, very, badly.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 8 weeks ago from Australia

      Willow, you don’t have to love your dad. Love and respect are given to those who earn them. Your dad seems to be ‘punishing’ you for what you were like as a child... but it was his responsibility to help you get help when you needed it then, and he didn’t.

      Can you include photos of some of your art in your portfolio? Even better, can you ask your mother to get your art back from your father? It is in the best interests of all of you (including your parents) if you perform well at college.

      Go and see a therapist, Willow, if you feel it would help. It is time for you to take control of your life and create your own fabulous future.

      You’ll make space for your mom in your adult life, I’m sure. But if your dad isn’t capable of meeting your emotional needs, you can ignore him. That’s one of the joys of being an adult.

    • profile image

      Willow 8 weeks ago

      My dad dislikes me. The whole family is aware of this and that he prefers my sister. He constantly tells me I need to be better in school (I'm ranked #13 in my class, 4.2 GPA, 31 ACT score thanks to hours of studying a night), but praises my B-average sister, who never studies and makes everyone aware of this by talking about how lazy she is. He'll compare me to his friends' kids, telling me that because so-and-so has a 32 on the ACT, I need to take it again because I'm not trying hard enough.

      When I was little, I would draw him pictures, but they would always end up shoved in the back of a drawer or crumpled up on a shelf. Now that I am actually good at art, he expects me to be his little art monkey and draw whatever he asks. When I refuse on the basis that I am too busy (which is true), he steals my art (only ever the portraits of pretty girls) to put in his office at work. This has been a problem, as it means that I haven't been able to use them in portfolios for art college. He even pressured me ask for a drawing back that I gave to a teacher, and would not take no for an answer, even though I wanted my teacher to have it.

      You might say that this sounds like misplaced pride, but I genuinely believe that it springs more from a sublte hatred and disrespect of me. When I was a child, I had anger issues that my parents never bothered to get looked at ("going to counseling" was a threat; to this day I'm too scared to see a therapist, even though I have needed one for years), meaning that I was a bit of a terror for a year or two. I have mellowed out substantially, but he continues to use my behavior from when I was eight years old to guilt trip me. If I tell him he's being rude to me (which he often is), he'll remind me that ten years ago I was mean. I'm amazed at his ability to dodge any kind of criticism by reminding me that a full decade ago, I was a brat who needed to see a therapist.

      My dad doesn't believe me. Yesterday, we were talking about my childhood classmates. He brought up a boy who used to torment me, saying that he was a good kid. I told him no, that kid bullied me for years, but my dad disagreed. I argued back, pointing out all the things he did to me, but my dad brushed it off, saying that he was still a good kid. It wasn't until I mentioned what he did to another classmate that he decided to believe me. This is just one petty example, but this behavior of not believing me, or telling me I'm remembering incorrectly, or that I just don't understand, until someone else backs me up is constant.

      I'm sick of being expected to love this man who doesn't even like me! I love my mom and want to stay close to her in college, but I'm sick of attempting to form a relationship with a man who is supposed to love me regardless.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 months ago from Australia

      Neon, it sounds as though your father has been unchallenged for so long, he is incapable of seeing things differently. Don’t worry, you’ll grow up nd have the chance to prove him wrong. Meanwhile maybe just ignore him. Your mother will have to make her own decisions, and you have to respect that. Don’t get upset about it. It’s not worth the effort.

    • profile image

      Neon 2 months ago

      I can't stand my dad because he's incredibly selfish, stubborn, and refuses to be wrong about anything. He does things how he wants to without any thought to how it affects the rest of us even if it hurts us and if we talk to him about it he gets defensive and refuses to listen. He doesn't want too be opposed ever. He has a short temper and if it's the two of us we often end up arguing and he's quick to threaten to kick me out of the house. And later he'll come talk to me again more calmly, tell me again why I am wrong and he is right and blame me for being the reason that we can't have a civil conversation. Sometimes he'll apologize but not always and when he does he still feels it necessary to establish that he's right again first. My mother over the years has rarely complained about my father but in the last year or so she has been complaining about him more and more frequently which to me is a huge indication that there's a real problem. He spends less time at home and the time he does spend at home is in the garage smoking weed with his friend. There are days that go by that I don't even see my father because of this. My mother has felt neglected by him and when she has tried to speak with him about it he says she knows nothing, that's he doesn't see a problem, and then he keeps doing what ever he feels like.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 months ago from Australia

      Kids, I hear you. We all know I can’t change your dads ... although I would in a second if I had the power. (If someone ever gives me a magic genie in a bottle I’ll set one task, and that’s to create a safe and secure home for every child so they can feel loved and nurtured and appreciated. Problem parents would be given new personalities. Wouldn’t that be great?) But sadly, that’s not likely to happen any time soon. But here’s what I can do ...

      I can send you love and unseen hugs, and encourage you to remain strong because time WILL pass and you WILL become old enough to leave home and create fabulous new lives as independent adults. I’ve seen it happen so many times, and I know your time will come.

      Yes, it feels like it is taking forever. I get that. I still remember how long every day and every week used to feel when I was a kid enduring my own unhappy childhood. I couldn’t imagine ever being an adult and having control over my own life. But suddenly I finished school, found a job that paid enough for me to move out of home, kept getting better jobs and created a fabulous career. I have a bunch of kids and an amazing husband and I never could have imagined any of that when I was your age.

      Let me tell you loud and clear, it is worth the wait. Being an adult is SO much fun!! Study and learn things and do the groundwork for your future. Your dad can’t stop you when you’re old enough to leave home, so dream of that day and prepare for it. It’s going to be great! I promise you!!

    • profile image

      2 months ago

      I hate my dad cause he always blames everything that happens on me even if I didn’t do it even if he did it and he knows it . Everytime I go to my friends house he’s like don’t let anything ruin your day then when he comes back home he literally SEARCHES for things he can shout at me about for example my LOCKED room tht somehow he has the keys to if there is only one thing on the floor he basically would flip he whole world just to make me mad or even worse depressed and have anxiety and he has done worse

    • profile image

      Sarah O 2 months ago

      My dad is a real piece of trash. He's unemployed right now, and he blames that fact on us. He's unemployed, so we have to rely on mom for income. But that doesn't mean he's grateful for her. They're always arguing. He always swears at her and does everything he can to make her life miserable. She's under so much stress that my mom is prematurely graying. She started accumulating gray hairs at age 33. But my dad; that trash doesn't care at all. He just plays games all day and night. He doesn't help with housework either. Just eats and plays games. My mom's the one who brings in the money, make food, and do the housework. I wish I can earn money soon and get her out of there before this place really ruins her. I wish I can grow faster and leave with my mom and younger siblings so we can live comfortably.

    • profile image

      Sarah Nhi 2 months ago

      My dad just like to control everyone to do anything he want like a king of the house. If he angry or unsatisfied he will hit me by broom, rod or slap. It hurts me a lot and sometimes i bleed. My mom can't do anything to help me. I hate him so much and i want another dad. If not, i want to grow fastly to get out that creepy house.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
      Author

      LongTimeMother 2 months ago from Australia

      Arjun, I suggest you remain cool and calm when talking with your dad. Don’t give him any reason to accuse you of teenage outbursts. Instead, try to impress him with how rational you remain. Try using lines like these ....

      ‘Dad, up until now I’ve enjoyed the challenge of learning and studying and I want to do the best I can so I end up with a good job as an adult. But if you keep forcing khanacademy on me, you’re going to take all the fun out of learning. And that’s not going to be a good thing. I don’t want to be one of those kids who hates school.’

      If you can get him to understand your position, it should be easy enough to include your sister when looking for change. For instance, you could also remind him, ‘We are growing up, dad. You’ve got let us have a bit of fun and freedom while we are kids.’

      I suggest you do your best to point out that being well-adjusted requires a balance of work and play. Tell him, ‘I’ve just done two hours of homework. Now I’m going to relax/ go for a walk/ play guitar or whatever for 20 minutes so I can go back to it fresh.’ Show him that you understand time management. (Definitely go back to work after the 20 minutes, for instance.)

      I think you should be encouraging your dad to encourage you. He doesn’t seem to have figured that out by himself. Most important for your long term happiness is not making the same mistakes with your own kids. You don’t want to grow up sounding just like your dad. So start doing things differently. Be prepared to offer reasons for things instead of just ‘because’.

    working