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I Hate My Dad — Trouble at Home

Updated on April 19, 2016
LongTimeMother profile image

With her children's ages spanning 22 years, LongTimeMother has 40 years experience in parenting - including home schooling and foster care.

Why would I hate my dad?

Irrespective of their age, a child or adult who associates hate with their father has a real problem. Whether that problem is abuse, abandonment, or some other issue, the child who hates their father deserves to be heard.

The ideal emotions associated with fathers include love and respect. When a child says 'I hate my dad', something is definitely wrong.

Over the past 30 years I have heard a lot of children explain why they hate their fathers. Here's some of the main reasons, and a few thoughts that might help.


Kids need support when there is trouble at home.
Kids need support when there is trouble at home. | Source

Physical, mental, and/or emotional abuse

Some dads abuse their children. No wonder their kids hate them.

I find it hard to imagine that any woman would deliberately choose to have a child with a man who would subject any member of his family to physical, mental, or emotional abuse ... but you just have to look at the statistics to see how common abusive relationships are.

When a child says 'I hate my dad', it is important to establish if the child is a victim of abuse.

Instead of simply assuming that the seemingly pleasant man we meet in the street or see at work or at church is a good father, we owe it to every child to give them the chance to tell us what their father is really like.

Many children are victims of abuse. Because they do not have the power, knowledge or ability to resolve an abusive relationship, they require intervention to help resolve the conflict.

If you become aware of a child subjected to abuse, or have reason to suspect a child is a victim in their own home, please arrange for intervention.


Kids hate violent fathers

When a child is abused, an adult should intervene. It might have to be you.
When a child is abused, an adult should intervene. It might have to be you. | Source

I hate my dad. He makes my mother cry.

When children see their mother crying, they hate whoever or whatever causes her grief.

You'll hear a child whose mother has cancer say, 'I hate cancer'. After watching their mother's repeated frustration with an unreliable car, a child will commonly say, 'I hate our car'.

Similarly, a child who witnesses their mother's distress during arguments or issues associated with their father is likely to announce, 'I hate my dad.'

Staying together for the sake of the children is often a mistake. If both parents cannot be happy, pleasant or at the very least polite and civil to each other, the emotional outbursts in the child's home are likely to generate emotional responses in the child.

One of those emotions will probably be hate.


A father expressing frustration can be frightening for a child.
A father expressing frustration can be frightening for a child. | Source

I hate my dad. He's a control freak

Many fathers are genuinely surprised to discover their child hates them.

They worked hard to pay the bills and buy the essentials and provide gifts and afford tuition and yet, after all their effort and willing contributions, their child as a teenager or young adult announces, "I hate you!"

If you deny your son or daughter the space and freedom to explore and experience and exercise their own individuality in their early years, be prepared for trouble as they mature. Nobody likes a control freak.

Every individual needs a certain amount of space for personal growth. If you try to control every aspect of life, there's no room for a child to develop and discover who they are and what they are capable of.

Sooner or later, they will demand the freedom to be themselves. If they resent the restrictions you placed on them year after year, refusing to allow them to make their own decisions, pursue their interests, and have the power to reject the sports or school subjects they had no interest in but you insisted they pursue, don't be surprised if they hate you.


Constant criticism vs supportive advice

If your child can't meet your expectations, you are destined for a failed relationship. Don't confuse constant criticism with supportive advice.

It should be mandatory for parents to regularly tell their children "Well done", "Good job", and "I'm proud of you!"

Every parent needs to learn to bite their tongue and resist the urge to always add "but ..."

Over the past 30 years I have attempted many times to explain to friends of my children that their father doesn't mean to be critical. On every occasion I have had no option but to agree that the many examples they offer of 'fatherly advice' appear more critical than supportive.

I always point out that it seems inappropriate to hate a father who is trying to do his best, and that there are many other fathers who are more guilty of bad parenting. However I can't rewrite history and these kids have had many years of believing they hate their dads.


Keep your child in the picture

Parents might divorce each other, but they should never divorce their children.
Parents might divorce each other, but they should never divorce their children. | Source

Abandonment

When parents divorce, there is no excuse for a child to feel abandoned. If you were actively involved in the child's conception, you have a responsibility to show an active interest in the child's development.

Fathers who are guilty of ignoring their children generally pay the price when the child grows older. Instead of having the company and support of their adult child in later years, it is dad's turn to be ignored.

Mothers who stand in the way of a child having a healthy relationship with their dad simply because the adults have argued and are hurting, are equally guilty of causing abandonment issues for the child.

Children need to feel loved and valued. I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give a child is to speak highly of their father - even if it is difficult to think of nice things to say.

"I'll bet your dad would be proud of you if he could see you today," is a wonderful gesture to a young child whose father lives far away. By hearing reference to their dad in positive conversations during their early years, a child can grow up feeling as though their father is interested in them even if they are not present or actively involved.

Of course a phone call from dad or the chance to phone him after special events is even more helpful. When parents divorce each other, they shouldn't 'divorce' their child.


Don't shut the child down

My first response to anyone who says “I hate my dad” is to ask the question, “Why?”

It is wrong for us to assume that we know more about the situation than the speaker. Too often, a child who claims to hate their father is silenced quickly without anyone bothering to ask why.

Generally someone interjects with “No, you don't.”

Often it is the child's mother, trying to smooth ruffled feathers and prevent further conflict.


Making the child feel guilty

A child discovers their father is having an affair. This is a surprisingly common problem for teenagers. Do they tell their mother?

  • They feel guilty if they don't tell her. Mom's doting on dad and clearly loves him, but he's cheating on her. She's keeping his dinner warm and making things nice for when he gets home, but all the while the child knows he is with another woman.
  • They feel guilty if they do tell her because all the tears and heartache somehow seems to be their fault.
  • Or they feel guilty because they didn't tell her when dad eventually leaves her years later, wishing they'd given her a chance to find a new partner when she was still young.

Either way, a child who suffers the pressure of keeping a secret about their father's affair - or the trauma associated with revealing such a secret - is likely to end up hating their dad.


What message are you sending your child?

Every child hopes for active involvement from their dad. Disappoint them often enough and they are likely to give up on the dream. He hates me. I hate him.
Every child hopes for active involvement from their dad. Disappoint them often enough and they are likely to give up on the dream. He hates me. I hate him. | Source

Bad dad compared to other fathers

Any father can give the impression they don't love or care about their child when:

  • other dads attend sporting events to watch their children play but you don't
  • other dads spend time going fishing or playing ball with their kids but you don't
  • other dads talk and laugh with their children but you don't
  • other dads tell their kids they love them but you don't
  • other dads seem like 'real' dads ... but you don't.

If you don't express your love for your child both verbally and demonstrably, don't be surprised if they don't express love for you either.

If your child thinks, rightly or wrongly, that you hate them, there is every possibility they will mirror that emotion and hate you right back.


If you hate your dad ...

What is the main reason you hate your dad (or simply don't love him as you feel you should)?

See results

The best hope (perhaps the only hope) a hated dad has to redeem himself

Cross your fingers and hope that your child grows into an adult who can see and respect your efforts to do the right thing. If your child hates you now but you honestly believe you don't deserve it, keep trying to reach out. One day they'll have a lot of questions, and you'll want to have the right answers.

If you are getting a divorce, address the specific ways that you want to be involved with your child as part of the divorce settlement - and stick to it.

If you're having an affair, admit it to your wife. Then tell your child you are to blame and they have no reason to feel as though the divorce was their fault.

Send birthday cards and gifts even if you know your ex-wife won't pass them on. When they are older you'll want to be able to look your child in the eye and say, "I sent you a card and a present every year. I'm sorry if your mother didn't give them to you." Let your grown child decide how they feel about you once they have the facts.


If dad doesn't know when to stop.

If a child is repeatedly treated badly by their father and their mother never intervenes or takes action to put an end to their misery, the mother should understand why she is hated too.
If a child is repeatedly treated badly by their father and their mother never intervenes or takes action to put an end to their misery, the mother should understand why she is hated too. | Source

I hate my dad. And it's mom's fault.

If you are the mother of a child who rarely sees their dad, make every effort to keep dad alive and well in your child's heart. Their self-esteem can be directly linked to how they believe their dad views them, and a teenager with low self-esteem is more likely to get into trouble.

When negotiating a divorce settlement, insist their father send birthday and Christmas cards every year. Also make sure they agree to accept any phone calls from your child and to always be loving and supportive.

Perhaps the most difficult issue to address is the knowledge that a child's father was violent - irrespective of the circumstances. Somehow the child must be helped to know any trouble was not their fault. Their dad, after all, was the grown up. He should have been able to control himself and make better decisions to protect their relationship.

Encourage your friends and family to resist the urge to speak badly about the child's father in front of them. Of course it is important to answer their questions honestly, but don't be brutal when dealing with a child's feelings.

Be gentle and thoughtful in your response to a child who genuinely hates their father with good reason.

Sometimes you might just have to admit, "It's okay to hate your dad. I'm sorry he wasn't a better dad to you, because you deserved the best!"


How to be a better dad

If you want to be a better dad to your kids than you've been before, identify where you have been going wrong and take steps to change it.

One of the most obvious areas for improvement with many fathers is the amount of quality time you spend with your child. First you have to get your head around what quality time actually means.

Kids who hate their dads may have had a father who spent a great deal of time at home - but how much time did he actually spend paying attention to the child? Watching the television or entertaining your adult friends doesn't count just because your child was in the room.

Fathers who have to force themselves to set specific times aside when their child becomes the center of their universe (instead of genuinely being pleased their son or daughter wants to spend time with them) ask, "How do you do that?"

It is not so difficult - particularly if you have the right attitude. The hardest part might be turning your phone off, but phone calls are interruptions, and should be avoided.

  • Read a book aloud - from beginning to end.
  • Play a board game - until there is a winner.
  • Play outdoors - until a pre-designated time.
  • Set a task - and complete it together.
  • Have fun together - until their favourite tv show begins.
  • Go fishing - until it is time to go home for lunch.
  • Play 'paper, rock, scissors' until the school bus arrives.
  • Dance like crazy people - until it is time for you to go to work ... and then dance out the door and out to the car. Kids love stuff like that.

The most important element of any of these suggestions is the natural completion point. Have you ever noticed how many fathers spend too much time trying to bring activities to an end? Then, because it is such a hassle, they don't bother starting another activity in the future.

If you are a father who has disappointed your children too many times for them to even bother asking or expecting you to spend time with them, you are in serious trouble. Before you know it, your sons and daughters will be fully grown and they will probably leave you out of their lives, just as you are ignoring them now.

Reach out to your children and make a serious effort to be a better dad.

  • Suggest a game or activity (with a natural completion point) and make sure you both enjoy the experience.
  • Get to know each other.
  • Ask each child about their friends, school and sporting activities.
  • Tell them about your childhood, share jokes and fun stories.
  • Smile. Laugh. Play.
  • And don't forget to listen.


You should know the names of each child's best friends, what sports they play, which days they play them, the teachers and subjects they like most at school, any problems they have, and any challenges they face.

A good dad knows all about their kids lives, and gets involved in them.

If you haven't attended at least a few games each sport season, arrived early enough to watch your kids in their dance or karate class, and offered to take each child and a friend for a movie or a meal a few times in the past year, you'd better start doing those things now.


When Children Become Adults

I believe it is important to remind every child that the time will come when they can leave home and live without the fear of what mood their father will be in when he comes home at night.

Anyone who is able to endure their childhood years will have a chance at making a fresh start and deciding just where their father will fit in their future lives. Kids grow up.

If you want your kids to love you, not hate you, you need to make the kind of memories they'll remember fondly as they look back on their childhood. Spend time with your kids and enjoy each other's company.

Unless, of course, you know you can't be trusted near your children and they have good reason to hate you. In which case ... stay away.


© 2013 LongTimeMother

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    • LongTimeMother profile image
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      LongTimeMother 26 hours ago from Australia

      Online maths tutoring was never designed to create conflict the way your dad uses it. Sadly, he's a control freak and his violent outbursts are certainly not normal.

      I agree with you. It sounds like your mum has given up, but after years of living with your dad's bad behaviour, I'm not surprised. Right now she has a point when she says not to try to win because 'dad always wins'. He obviously holds all the power in your home at the moment.

      However that won't always be the case, so don't allow your father to crush your spirit. When you're an adult you can choose to exclude him from your life if you'd like. If he wants to have anything to do with you, he'll have to behave like a polite and reasonable human being. If not, you can avoid him. As an adult, you'll have control over your own life and decisions will be yours.

      That's when you'll be the winner! Meanwhile, please stay safe and try to stay out of his way. Good luck.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
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      LongTimeMother 28 hours ago from Australia

      Congratulations on being so committed to staying on top of your homework, KP. That's going to be the ticket to your future success. I'm hoping you can live on campus or somewhere other than your home as you continue your studies. Once you get away from your father's outbursts, you can start having some fun ... and some peace and quiet when you need it for study.

      Your father has missed out on some really special moments. I love watching kids perform, and seeing their work. I'm trusting you'll remember to be supportive of your own kids in years to come, and to enjoy them. Good luck with this next stage of getting into college/university. Keep one eye on the future, and enjoy creating your brilliant adult life. :)

    • LongTimeMother profile image
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      LongTimeMother 34 hours ago from Australia

      I see a few more comments have slipped past me without showing up, so I'll answer them now.

      Anonymous, I am SO happy that you and your family managed to escape from your father's violence. Three cheers for your older brother who managed to get you, your mom and your sister out of the house.

      I'm proud of you for overcoming all the problems, and becoming a computer engineer. I'm happy you've married and had kids, and that you treat your wife well. I hope you are actively avoiding the kind of behaviour your father demonstrated when you were young. Your kids need to love you and feel loved by you. They need to trust you, and not live in fear. Please, never lose focus on being a good dad, and a good husband.

      Your mother is a lucky woman to be living safely with you now. Well done. Your story is so sad, but has a brilliantly happy ending.

      I hope all the kids who read this page manage to create their own positive futures, just as you have done!

    • LongTimeMother profile image
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      LongTimeMother 34 hours ago from Australia

      I don't understand why your dad would be more loving to your mom and your sister. Have you talked to your mother about your relationship with him? Perhaps she might be able to help you identify what the problem might be. I understand that you hate the fact that you hate him. Kids should be able to love their dads, and feel loved by them.

      Please talk to your mother openly and honestly. See if she can help you. Good luck.

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       37 hours ago

      My dad always picks on me even though it's not my fault......I tried my best to not hate him but I can't stop hating him cause he treats my elder sister better than me....I do not know what's my fault that he hates me so much.....my father tends to be more loving to mom and my sister...but to me....he only shows hatred....I hate the fact that I hate him....but I just wanna say Sorry to him if I have done any mistake.....

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      Anonymous 8 days ago

      My dad would abuse us and give 2 hour lectures on a school night untill one. I would come home with a good test score and he would not care. He would ignore me and get mad for no reasons. He was one of the most sexist and racsict person I have ever met. When my mom went out with her freinds, or to work out, or talk he would call my mom a whore. That made my mom cry almost everyday. She was rarely happy, because of him. He was grumpy one day and I tried my best to make him happy by cleaning the house and I played games, when he came home from work he smacked be in the nose and I started bleeding and I chocked on the blood and made me clean it up. He soon told me, "That is what happens when you don't do s**t around the house." I told him I did chores and he took out the belt and hit me through the night for 3 hours also giving lectures. We went to a restaurant and were eating and he got mad a t the waitress sating to stop talking to my mom, and shouted saying he wants a waiter not a waitress and I ran out because everyone was looking. One night I went for a bime ride, and he locked me out of the house untill school and three my bookbag for me to leave for the bus. I was freezing crying on the bus. He abused my mom. I never talk to him anymore for giving me bruises and bumps. He got cut on the saw blade one time and punched me in the face saying if I was there he could have helped him and he wouldn't be mad. He made my mom cry one day and threw a book at her so we left, and my older brother wanted to kill him for being a dick to my mom and called my dad a bigot, etc... They fought and we slept in a hotel for a few days, when we came back home he broke everything in the house and made us clean it up for a long time. He was the biggest dickhead I've ever known and I just wanted to sock him in the face. If I could go back in time I would make my mom never meet him, I don't care if I was ever born he made my mom cry everyday and stress her out, I spent time with her making sure she would not kill herself. She now lives with me in my house. After I left I got a degree in computers and became a computer enginner getting a good wage enough to buy a nice house in a nice neighboorhood for my kids and wife (never called my wife a whore). We left my dad a few years before I was 18 and my older brother took care of my mother, sister and I. I am so happy we don't live with him anymore.

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      /....... 9 days ago

      my father is very sudden and unexplained. When i was younger he would beat us and make us until we had hand lumps on our back. He made us do this online maths tutoring program everyday and he would make us stay up late into the night or not leave the house all day until we had finished it. sometimes if we didn't understand something we would beat us until we got it. this of course didn't help because we would scream in fear as he counted down and cry hysterically. when this got really bad mum would run in and guilt t rip dad. Now he takes our technology away for the most stupid and sudden reasons. For example the kids never do the laundry mum or dad always do it. its just a hing in our house. Now i would have no problem in doing the laundry if i was asked but one day i was on my phone and dad suddenly snatched my phone from my and said i was lazy and rude because the laundry wasn't done. if he had asked me to do it i would have but i didn't know that wanted me to. another time i usually stay up till 10 on my phone and he knows because hes on the computer til 10 but one night i was using my phone as a reference for a drawing and it was 9pm and he snuck up behind me and started going off at me for having my phone on after 9. so he took it. i dont think he does this as an actual punishment for doing something wrong hes just trying to find more ways to get us off our devices. but once again if hed just ask then we would do it. now dad thinks hes write all the time and if he makes an assumption abbot us that is false and we correct him he will fight us about it and punish us for questioning him. my mum says dont try to win dad always wins. this just sounds to me like shes given up and like i cant speak my mind about something to dad because i will always be wrong and hell always be right

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      KP 10 days ago

      My dad is the most emotionally abusive dickhead that I know. He abuses my mom constantly. Diminishes her constantly, dismisses all of her thoughts and opinions, and he demands that attention be on him from the minute he steps into the house. He yells at my mom for literally cooking in the kitchen and cleaning the house, saying that she should do it some other time. He forgets that she's an actual human being. And my mom works too until 4pm and then she comes home to deal with this crap. Also my Dad has terrible anger problems. If you didn't catch it before, he constantly yells and at everyone, including me, my mom and my brother - often for no reason at all. And we've told him this too and we get either of two responses. He either says okay I'll try to control my anger and if that was true I would not be here writing this. Or (this is the most sick and twisted part) he'll turn the blame back on us. Seriously how f-ed up is that. He'll say "oh all of you always team up against me and tell me I'm wrong". Like shut the f up, if this many people are telling you something about your personality maybe that a sign that you need to change something and some becoming a victim. And he has too much of an ego to accept that he's ever in the wrong, never once have I ever heard him say "I wrong". Nor have I heard him say "Sorry", at least not sarcastically (this is also another part of turning the blame onto us).

      So that was just about the abuses to my family. My dad literally picks and chooses what he thinks is important to me and my life. He's has never been to any of my piano recitals and never supported my art. He's never been to any of my awards ceremonies, any school concerts or anything. When I told him I wanted to be a Psychologist, he immediately dismissed it as being stupid. He made me feel guilty because he spends his day working to give us food and pay our tuition and now he has to hear this. He also wanted me to go to Penn, but didn't understand that it would be extremely hard for me to get in. He actually went to great lengths to get me a contact from someone at Penn to help me write essays, but it took months and two huge argument for him to even take me to visit some schools in Boston. He's aware of his own work, but he doesn't realize that I was working my ass off, staying up till 1am in the morning to do homework and study to get into a selective school that I knew would be possible for me to get into to appease him a little. (In case you were wondering, it didn't appease him, he constantly give me crap for my college). Actually during highschool I distincly remember not being able to concentrate because he would indirectly force me to stay downstairs in the living room while he was watching TV at the loudest volume possible with the rest of the family. He claimed he wanted authentic family time when he got home. In fact anytime I would go upstairs to do HW he would not believe me that I had that much HW, and nothing I did would ever make him believe. You could show him something 8 times and he'll still have the some stupid opinion. Several times he's yelled at my mom while I've been upstairs because he though I was lying and it was my mom's fault for no checking up on me. He assumed that my mom should do this not him. There's so so much more but I think I've ran out of character and frankly I'm just very very angry right now.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
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      LongTimeMother 11 days ago from Australia

      Tanisha, I don't know how old you are, but I'm hoping you are old enough to be able to ask for help. You need to talk to an adult you trust, and tell them about your mother being beaten and other problems caused by your father.

      You haven't written much to me, but I can see you have real problems in your home. Time to try and make your home a safer place, Tanisha. Is there someone you can talk to?

    • LongTimeMother profile image
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      LongTimeMother 11 days ago from Australia

      Colton, the death of your sister no doubt changed the dynamics within your family. Grief puts a huge stress on relationships, and we all react differently to the loss of a loved one. I'm sorry you had to experience the death of your sister ... and all the problems you've faced since then.

      There's a website you might like to take a look at called iMomandMe.com ~ which is essentially a site where young adults without parents (former foster kids who have grown out of the foster system) have conversations and write about topics with a couple of former foster parents. (Yep, I'm one of them.)

      Up until now, the forum has been 'closed' to the public and just been used by the writers on the site ... but I know for a fact that a new public forum will be opened up to people like yourself within the next week or so. :)

      If you're without a mother, you might like to chat with an internetMom from time to time. Not the same as having a counselor, of course, but sometimes we need to chat with a mother more than a counselor.

      So, if you feel like it, head over to the site and fill in your email address to 'subscribe' on any of the pages. That way, you'll get the news when the new public forum is added. (It has been pretty quiet on that site for a while. About time we wrote more. lol.)

      Don't want you feeling stuck, Colton. I can't think of a better suggestion for you right now, but this could be a good option.

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      ColtonSD 13 days ago

      Thanks for the advice.

      I did over react to the point of wanting to kill myself and that's because of nearly 7 years of this kind of thing has been going on I'm more calm tonight and can think more clearly.

      I still don't know what to do about my dad, I stopped seeing a counselor a few months ago and I haven't seen my mom in years they got divorced 3 years after my sister died. So I am more or less without a mother and am being lead by a dad whose setting a really poor example for life so I'm stuck.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
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      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Congratulations, Sheena, for getting such strong school results. Your father is a fool if he's not proud of you.

      It sounds to me like you have made the decision to stop allowing your father to influence your life. I think that's a wise decision under the circumstances. There are many, many people in the world who have a dad like yours and, after they decided to strip their fathers of the power to make them feel bad, they've became hugely successful and now lead happy, fulfilling lives.

      Ignore anything your father says about failure. We all fail sometimes, because that's a natural part of life. We just pick ourselves up and get on with living. Your father shouldn't be making such a big deal about it.

      I'm sorry your dad hasn't let you talk to any of your classmates and didn't provide you with new clothes. All kids deserve encouragement with those kinds of basic things. But it sounds to me that you're strong enough and determined enough to just leave him in your dust as you create a new reality for yourself.

      I'm not sure how long it will take, but I'm quietly confident that you're going to be a very successful achiever. And your father is going to regret not giving you more attention when you were young. Why? Because I suspect you're going to completely ignore him when he's old ... and he'll have nobody to blame but himself!

      Oh, and won't that be a nice feeling? :)

    • LongTimeMother profile image
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      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Virat, you've obviously had a tough time with your father. I'm proud of you for being strong enough to cope with the stress and physical abuse. Plus I imagine it must be very difficult growing up with a girl's name, and the teasing must make every day even more difficult. Thank you for trusting me with your sadness. I understand it can be hard to talk to people.

      Let me start by saying how pleased I am that you've been learning various martial arts. It is important to know how to defend yourself. I encouraged my daughters to learn martial arts, not because they ever had problems within the family, but because there's so many people in the world who can't be trusted. What a shame your father is one of them.

      It must be nice for you to get a break away from your father when he works interstate. I guess it is too much to hope he might decide to stay there even on his time off in the future. You'll probably have to keep being inventive in finding ways to avoid him, but I hope that's not causing your school work to suffer. As you get older, you'll have more homework and assignments to complete which will require your attention. I'm hoping he'll just leave you alone as you do homework in your bedroom.

      What concerns me most is the anger management issues you're experiencing. Please don't let your problems with your dad interfere with your relationships at school and with other family members. Those relationships are very important. Do you have a counselor at school or a teacher you can talk with? Someone who can help you figure out better ways to cope with the turmoil your father causes? I know you don't deliberately upset your mother or younger sister, but fights between you and your father must be painful for them to watch ... and you need to stop injuring your hands. You need to protect your body. Please don't let your father get you so upset you become self-destructive.

      You'll be a man soon enough, and then you can take control of your own life. Meanwhile, sadly, your best course seems to be trying to stay out of your father's way. But I also urge you to find an adult you can trust who can give you a hand. Is there a relative or the parent/s of a friend who might let you stay at their house when you need to get away from your dad? I hope so. Please ask them for help.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
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      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      You've gone to a lot of trouble to explain the situation with your dad, Colton, and you write very well. I can see the results of all your hard work at school. Congratulations. At 17 you are poised to move into the adult world and because you have worked hard at school and are now an apprentice, your future looks very positive in a financial sense.

      I see you've raised a few options you are considering because of the trouble with your father, including 'knocking his ass out', running away, and maybe killing yourself one day. I'm thinking you also have the option of talking about your problems with your counselor. I know you're worried the counselor might tell your dad, but that's highly unlikely given the nature of a relationship between a person and their counselor.

      You should ask your counselor if you can talk confidentially without it getting back to your father. I'm hoping they'll reassure you that you're safe to talk from the heart, and I'm really hoping they'll help you become aware of all the options available to you. Maybe there's some kind of funding available that helps a teenager like you move out of home ... or some other brilliant idea that will help you get away from your father's bad influence.

      You're obviously intelligent and hardworking, Colton. Don't waste all that effort you've spent doing the best you can to get ahead. You're doing really, really well. You just need to hold on for a while longer until you're able to leave home and start building your life away from your father. And when you do, please make a commitment to be a better dad than yours was. When you have kids of your own in the future, make sure they can respect you and love you and count on you to be there for them ... and make sure you let them know you respect them and love them and count on them as well.

      That's the future you should be aiming for, Colton. One where you have a job you enjoy, and a family you enjoy even more. Physical fighting with your father won't help you get there, and causing harm to yourself will just cause unbearable pain for your mother and siblings. Don't waste your efforts by thinking about self destruction because you deserve to be happy in your adult life and you're nearly there!

      If you honestly believe you have to run away, then do it. But make sure you run 'to' something, not just 'away' from your father. Maybe apply for a scholarship or an apprenticeship or something else you'd enjoy in a different part of the country. But please, promise me you'll talk at length with your counselor before you make any big decisions like these.

      I'm very pleased you reached out, Colton. It shows signs of great maturity, and I'm sure you'll figure out a way to create a better future! Just plan to leave your father behind you. And plan to be a better father than him one day when the time is right. Good luck.

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      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi kids. I'll write back to each of you individually. Life is pretty hectic for me right now but I'll try and get to each of you as soon as possible, starting now (until my next interruption) and we'll see how it goes.

      Thanks for writing to me. I always read these comments, and try to respond asap. :)

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      ColtonSD 2 weeks ago

      My dad is a huge fucking hypocrite.

      All he ever does is tell me what to do or that if I don't do something for him he will take my PC away or take the modem away (For those who don't know a modem is what provides WiFi/internet) so I can't do much with my PC but in all there just empty threats that don't mean a fucking thing to me.

      I feel like he doesn't care anymore or that he's given up on trying to be a good dad that he's just had it with being a parent and the reality is you don't ever stop being a dad when you have a kid or 4 in this case.

      Because of my past I had to grow up in just a matter of a few years when I was 11 my sister died at age 12 that broke me and all I needed was someone and he wasn't there he wasn't there for me fro half of my life because he worked all day and that was it I had to rebuilt myself and it has taken nearly 7 years now.

      I do good in school I have a job I am an apprentice at Plexus manufacturing and all my dad has done is hold me down he's just extra weight on my back.

      Where as I've done great so far my dad has never finished collage and he did poor in school and yet he criticizes me for what I do it pisses me off so much and I don't know how to handle it.

      I've almost considered knocking his ass out and just running away to never be seen again by him.

      This has been going on for years and I just don't know how to deal with it anymore, so I get home from work I chill and relax I let go of my day and anything that happened I don't pour my anger onto my day about how my day went or if anything happened and when he gets home he does exactly that and complains about it or pours his anger onto me and ruins my day, when all I want to do is enjoy the rest of my day and I've had it I tried to fix the problem I brought it up to him about how he makes me feel and he doesn't listen he's just a brick wall I have tried most if not all things to fix it but he's not willing or doesn't see the problem like the blind fool he is and I just can't take much more of him, I just may kill myself one day if I don't get the fuck out of this mess or may run away I've just taken on to much and it's to much to bare for so long I fought to do my best when life became hellish at times but now I'm alone and in the dark when it comes to my dad.

      I've seen a counselor before but never really told them how I felt about my relationship with my dad because I knew if I told them they would tell my dad so I was afraid at times, I told him eventually how I felt and I have considered how he feels but he won't tell me anything so I don't know he's just a brick wall. I've given up on fixing this myself and I seek help but he doesn't think there's a problem or at least that's how I feel about it. Note: Colton the one below me is also my comment before I made an account

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      Virat 2 weeks ago

      I am a class IX student and am 14 years old. I hate my dad. My life is so fu**ed up that I haven't told anyone about this. When I was young he would hit me. I did try to fight back but it wouldn't work. Every week I would be bleeding from somewhere on my body because of him. Now that I am a teenager he still tries to hit me but ir doesn't work as I retaliate pretty badly now since I have been practising various forms of martial arts. I have also found innapropriate data on his phone. Though I have not told this to anyone since I fear it would only worsen the condition. I've also never got the attention I should have from a father. My parents also named me after a girl's name and I am constantly teased because of this (btw this is not my real name). I have been trying to change it since a very young age but no one was taking me seriously. Now that he can't hit me he tries to emotionally break me down. He would also scold my mother for his own mistakes and I often have to interfere in their arguments to take her side. Now he has been transferred to another state and honestly it is very pleasant when he is not in the same house as me. He does get two weeks holidays every monthand during this time I also keep getting new ways to stay out of the house as long as I can to avoid any more fights. I have also developed anger management issues because of which I frequently get in trouble at school. Sometimes I even take out this anger at my other family members. I punch in the walls and keep dislocating my knuckles to satisfy this so no one else gets hurt. Whenever he comes home there are at least two fights between us and because of this my mother and younger sister break down.

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      LongTimeMother 2 weeks ago from Australia

      Hello Phindile. I can see you are clever because you studied hard and passed your Grade 12 successfully. Perhaps you'd already be finished your nursing course if your dad hadn't taken you to a different college. But we can't turn the clock back, so you have to make progress from where you are today.

      I know you say you really do love your dad a lot, and I'm sure you do. But let's be honest. It sounds like he is complicating your life and making things difficult for you. So I believe it is time for you to make your own decisions, and stick to them. You are 22 now and no doubt you have your own ideas about where you'd like to work or study.

      If your dad says he is no longer going to do anything for you because you're an adult, that's fine. Don't worry about it. Just get out and start following your own path. There comes a time in everyone's life when we need to make a break from the old, and start exploring and discovering things that are new.

      Don't be afraid of the future. Embrace it. You'll probably find it difficult to make as much money as you'd like to in the early days, but if you work hard and get promotions or better jobs, you'll soon be doing fine. Meanwhile, perhaps you can share accommodation with other young people. Tough times are always easier if you share them with friends. And once you start creating your new life, you'll be making new friends.

      I'm sure you'd like to have your father's support, but please don't waste more years waiting for things to change between the two of you. I encourage you to concentrate on creating your new life as an adult. Hopefully your father will one day congratulate you on becoming a success, but that's a day you probably can't see from where you are right now.

      So go on, make some decisions, and start living your adult life the way you want to. Be careful and stay safe ... but have lots of fun along the way. I wish you lots of luck and happiness.

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      LongTimeMother 3 weeks ago from Australia

      Malia, it sounds like your dad's rules are getting in the way of a healthy relationship with him, but we need to talk more about this. Perhaps much of his yelling is because he fears for your safety but doesn't know how to express his concerns in a way you feel comfortable with. (Or maybe he's frustrated by his inability to have a proper conversation with you.)

      I'm going to be honest with you, just the same way I'm honest with all the kids who write to me. Please be mature and give careful thought to what I'm saying.

      You're 12 years old. You know that means you have all kinds of hormones and bodily changes happening, but I doubt you can see how they are affecting you so I'm going to tell you what I think part of your problem is. Plus I'll take the time to share with you some of the rules in my house, so you have something to compare your dad's rules to.

      You're right, at 12 it is no surprise that you're going to want to date. But 12 is an age for dreaming about dating, not actually doing it. If your father encouraged you to date at 12, I'd think he was irresponsible. Why? Because 'dating' implies 'romance'. What kind of romance do you think is appropriate at 12?

      I have daughters ranging in age right now between 16 and 38. (Yes, my oldest daughter might be older than your mother.) None of them were allowed to date at 12, 13, 14 or even 15. My oldest girls thought I was incredibly mean and unfair (like you probably think your dad is mean and unfair) and yes, we had arguments where we'd shout at each other.

      I'd let them go with friends to the movies or tenpin bowling or visiting homes where they'd be appropriately supervised, but there was no way I'd let them go and hang out at a park or a mall, where they could be targets for sleazy paedophiles ... and where boredom can lead to trouble.

      My pre-teen and early-teen daughters would scream "I hate you!" at me, but I'd stand my ground because it was responsibility as their parent to protect them ~ including from themselves. And I had to protect them from dangers they weren't old enough or experienced enough to recognize.

      One of my daughters (now 28) used to yell at me when she was a teenager, why couldn't I be nice like the mother of one of her friends who was always allowed to go to parties and the park and everywhere else at any time of the day or night.

      Years later, when that friend became a drug addict, kept getting into trouble and eventually was sent to prison as an adult, my daughter thanked me for being tough on her and keeping her under control and out of trouble. She now has a brilliant life and travels the world having exciting adventures while her friend is still in prison.

      My youngest daughter (our 'surprise package') is now 16 and has never bothered hassling my husband and I about dating or going to the park to hang out of any of the other things you're probably arguing with your dad about.

      Why? Because she has adult sisters who keep reminding her she'll be an adult before she knows it, and will have plenty of time for dating and drinking alcohol and leading an adult life. They encourage her to enjoy being young and not waste time and effort arguing about stupid things that are inappropriate for her age.

      You obviously don't have adult sisters to give you that perspective on life, so I'll be the one. Really, Malia, you're wasting your time (and the chance to develop a healthy relationship with your father) if you insist you 'want to date' at such a young age ... and if you can't see the reason why your dad doesn't want you going to the park. You think he gets mad 'for no fukin reason' but I suspect you just can't see the reasons.

      I know you want your dad to 'listen' and 'care for you', but you're going to have to make an effort to listen as well. And you really need to learn to recognize just what 'caring for you' looks like. Your dad probably doesn't want to make you feel bad. But it is incredibly difficult for any parent struggling to cope with a 12-year-old who thinks they're 22.

      I'm wishing you every success in developing a healthy relationship with your dad right now, Malia. That's way more important at this time in your life than trying to get a boyfriend!

      Good luck.

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      LongTimeMother 3 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Peyton. I don't understand what you mean when you say 'he did crush when I was 8'. What does that mean? (Yep, I'm feeling pretty stupid. lol.)

      Hmmm. Your life sounds really difficult. Both your parents sound like a disappointment. It just seems stupid that they argue all the time and speak so rudely to each other. What a dreadful example they're setting for your and your 9 year old sister. At least you had good years when you were young, but it sounds like your little sister hasn't had any really good memories from her childhood at all.

      You've asked me for help, Peyton, and I'd happily help you in an instant. Given the power to change the world, I'd make life much more pleasant for you and all the other kids who have to put up with problems and troubles at home.

      Your grandmother should have helped you when you turned to her. I'm not sure what she was thinking when she spoke to your mom, but obviously that didn't turn out well.

      Can you have your father forced out of your house because he's not working and you kids are afraid of him? I honestly don't know. Laws are different in different places. But I think your biggest obstacle is probably your mother. If she's not doing anything about the problems, it will probably be hard for you at 15.

      Peyton, I encourage you to keep asking for help. Please talk to a counsellor at school, a teacher, and parents of your friends. Tell them how you are worried about your sister.

      Somebody must surely step up and help you figure out what your options are. Is there a telephone hotline you can call for confidential advice?

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      LongTimeMother 3 weeks ago from Australia

      Hi Joseph. First of all, I'm sure 66 feels really old to you, but it isn't. Most people live into their 70s and 80s, and many are still alive in their 90s. Don't be afraid your dad's going to die of old age when he's only 66. We're all going to die sometime, but you can't live your life worrying about when your parents will die. I suggest you let go of that fear. My mother-in-law used to try to emotionally blackmail my husband with talk about 'This might be the last time you ever see me!' when she was in her 70s. (We live in a different country to her.) She's 96 now, and I won't be surprised if she lives to 100!!

      I imagine it must be very difficult to be young and thinking you are 'an ugly little nerd', but I want to help you understand something really important. Over the years I've heard a lot of very rich, very successful, very influential adults say "I was an ugly little nerd so I didn't get caught up in all the drugs and alcohol and b/s that came with trying to be popular."

      Or "I was an ugly little nerd so I just spent my time being creative and doing my best to get ahead."

      As hard as it might be for you to see into the future, I can tell you there's every possibility you're going to have a fantastic adult life. I'm sure you hate being bullied at school, and you're wishing you were more popular. I get that. It must be really tough.

      But as you get older and leave school and enter the big wide world, you'll find yourself surrounded by other people with similar interests and experiences. That's when you'll find yourself feeling comfortable and 'popular', mixing with a social group who all have their own stories of difficult childhoods and relationships.

      You only need a few good friends and one loving partner to have a brilliant adult life. And whatever it is that makes you a nerd will probably be the same quality that makes you a success. So please, just do your best to get through each day. You're not going to be a child forever. You'll be an adult before you know it, and you'll look back at your childhood and speak with the same confidence and wisdom of other 'nerds' who made their way in the world.

      You wait and see. I'm guessing you'll be proud to be a nerd when you're older and living the good life! (I do hope you'll write back to me then and tell me what you invented or what company you started or what other kind of great success you have!)

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      LongTimeMother 3 weeks ago from Australia

      Nugget, I believe it is much healthier for you to leave space between you and your dad. Depression is incredibly difficult to deal with, and emotional abuse can feel soul-destroying so I encourage you to protect yourself from the problems with your dad.

      Yes, it is absolutely okay that you want to leave space between you and your father. Here's what I'd like you to focus on .... If your dad was healthy and well, I'm sure he'd want what's best for you. He's obviously not capable of creating a good environment for you because of his own problems, so it is up to you to make the decisions that protect you from the turmoil of his difficult life.

      You are not responsible for the problems your dad has. I want you to take responsibility for your own life, and concentrate on giving yourself the best possible chance for a good, productive future. You're 14 years old which is old enough to start planning for your adult life. Please concentrate on your study, and personal growth. That's what you need and I'm trusting you to do your best.

      Good luck!

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      malia 3 weeks ago

      I hate my dad and all his rules, he never listens or has time for me, the only time we ever spend together is always whenever he wants to doing what he wants to do, but thats rare, he yells at me for so much stuff and when i try to explain he either cuts me off or pushes me away. I also cant stand his rules and how self consious he is. its like he doest care about me, he says he does but he really doesnt act like it. for example, i wanted to hang out with him before and talk to him but he ended up getting mad at me nad yelling at me...i just want him to care and to listen but he never does, and he acts like he knows everything and that im so stupid that i cant even make a correct hashbrown...he never has any time for me and when he does, he spends it yelling at me and making me feel bad. not to mention whenever the tells me about 'the real world' and how i should experience it he alwasy gives me a bunch of shit just for doing that. i wanted to go out with some of my friends to a park close by then he got mad for no fukin reason, the same thing happened when i had a bf...im a 12 year old girl so its no suprise that im gonna want to date. but i just want him to listen and care for me instead of constantly critisize me and compare me and make me feel like shit

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      peyton 3 weeks ago

      i hate my dad with everything in me. he did crush when i was 8 and continued. since then it's died down. i can't tell when he does them or if he even does them anymore. he doesn't have a job and hasn't had one in a year. my moms the only one working. i hate my dad so much. and my mom too. i'm depressed and i told my mom and she didn't care. the other day i heard them arguing and my dad said to my mom "dude shut up you're fat. fat and fucking ugly" he's verbally abusive and she doesn't do anything about it. it affects me and i even told her and she didn't do anything. i don't have anyone to go to. so i told my grandmother who lives down the street and then apparently my grandmother told my mom that i told her what he said and i got in trouble because now the house is in my dads name so she can't force him to leave now. i don't know what to do. i'm 15 and i wish i could just be 18 with a car. i'd be long gone. i never wanna see neither of my parents ever again. i hate them so much. they've completely f'd my life up and i told my mom that. she still didn't care. but my life hasn't always been this way. when i was younger was the best years of my life. now my dads manipulative. even my whole moms side of the family hates him. but my mom still won't do anything about it. she's selfish and my dads a piece of shit. help me please. is there a way where if a father doesn't work or provide for his children or if the children are afraid of him, he could be forced out?? and with my 9 year old sister, he curses at her... now tell me, isn't he just a great father. please help

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      Joseph 4 weeks ago

      Hey I don't hate my dad yet but I'm on the edge. He always assumes the situation even though he spends most of his time in his room. When he comes out it is always my fault even though my brother is the one picking on me. Plus his "put you down" and "stop it" comments aren't just that. They make me feel like dirt. Also he is so hard headed. When I try to explain my situation he stops me within the first few words and says "do t talk back to me boy". When I try to non-verbally act against him, I end up losing myself only friend, or sent to my room, or reminding myself that I'm being bullied at school and I'm not popular and I'm just an ugly little nerd who can't control his own emotions. I'm scared that my dad isn't going to die on bad terms with me because he is 66

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      nugget 5 weeks ago

      Hi,

      Sorry to hear about all of these stories.

      Im 14 years old and Ive had a dad who has attempted suicide twice. He suffers from very severe depression and used to be very emotionally abusive to me. I havent seen him for a while, do you encourage me to see him? Or is it okay that I want to leave space between us

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      LongTimeMother 6 weeks ago from Australia

      Gee, Emily, your situation sounds really difficult. I've read your message a few times now. It is really well written and it gives me a very clear picture of what life in your home must be like.

      I'm proud of you for making progress and coping with the troubles you face from both your mother and father, and I understand how frustrating it must be when you slip back into panic attacks and OCD.

      I wish I had a great idea that could help you, but your experience is very unique and I've not had anything much to do with OCD. So, guess what?

      I'm waiting for you to become an adult, as I know you will. I'm hoping then you'll write a book that explains about your childhood to help everyone (including me) understand what the best and worst things were for you growing up.

      I'll buy your book, no matter how many years it takes before you write it. I'm confident that you'll be in a perfect position to know exactly what I should have said to you when you wrote to me saying you need help. And you're a very good writer!!

      All I can think of is to encourage you to keep asking for help. Keep asking until someone steps up and helps you. Surely there must be a kind adult in your life who you can turn to. A teacher? The parent of a friend?

      If you lived near me, I'd let you come and visit me lots. I know that's been helpful for friends of my children over the years who just wanted somewhere safe to run when they weren't coping with problems at their own home. Many times, even late at night, I've had a boy or girl arrive in need of a good feed and a safe bed for the night. Some kids just come for a quick visit, long enough to talk about what's troubling them before going back home.

      Is there anyone you can think of who you like and trust who might be able to help you? I'm hoping you don't have to continue your journey feeling like you're all alone. I'm sure there must be someone who will give you a hand.

      However, (and this is very important), if you don't have a friendly and trustworthy adult nearby who you can turn to, you'll have to be strong enough to make your own decisions about what is best. If you believe you should just try to continue with life as it is, I respect that decision. It might feel like a long way away, but you will become old enough to leave home and look after yourself. So will your siblings. But if you believe you need to involve the police or a social worker because things are too dreadful, I want you to have the confidence to do that.

      You have to follow your heart and your brain in equal doses, Emily. Don't let one outweigh the other. Figure out what the best thing is to do, and then do it. I'll be here wishing you well. If you need to write to me again at any time, please do. Please take care.

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      LongTimeMother 6 weeks ago from Australia

      Emily, I'm sorry you're having trouble with your family. And I'm extra sorry for taking two weeks to write back to you. I'm generally pretty prompt at answering but your comment some how slipped past me. I'll stay at my computer now until I've written you a proper answer. I'll read your message again and get back to you in a couple of minutes. Thanks. :)

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      Emily 2 months ago

      Okie, so this was a good article. I hate my dad. And sometimes my mom too. They're both very verbally abusive and manipulative, which affects me physically, mentally and emotionally. My dad has OCD, which resulted in him being angry and yelling for most of my childhood, and me hiding in my bedroom crying under the covers with my siblings, while listening to my dad scream at my mother. I've never been comfortable around him, and don't like telling him about my feeling because he uses them in some argument. He made me very depressed and angry and anxious all at once. But I was never allowed to express my feelings, so I bottled them up and put on a smile. Recently, I've been diagnosed with OCD as well. He's actually passed on a lot of illnesses to me genetically. Now that I have OCD, he uses every opportunity possible to bring it up, and criticize me for my illness. He says that I'm being stupid, and keeps trying to give me advice. I know he's just trying to help, but I've tried these things and told him kindly that they don't work for me, since every case is different. He won't accept it. He yells at me and somehow makes me feel guilty for having OCD! I've been getting better, but he keeps backtracking me. Making my anxiety worse. In the past two or three years, since ive been diagnosed, we haven't had a single normal conversation. He'll ask me a question and tell at me for answering. I can't speak. And I know my and my fathers illness is very hard on my mother and 3 siblings. Mom must do a lot of the chores I used to do, but no longer can. I get panic attacks just trying or even thinking about doing them. I've been getting better tho. But she gets mad at me. One second she'll remind me that it's not my fault and the next is blaming me for everything and making me feel guilty and burst into tears. And she can never be wrong. She never apologizes for anything, even though she is clearly in the wrong. Everyone around can see it. But if my brother hits me and I cry and knock something over, I have to apologize. And then my brother says "Oh no, mom that was my fault, I pushed her" she makes me say sorry because "He wouldn't have pushed you for no reason, you must've done something to him first."

      When I'm upset, I try not to tell her why, because it's usually something she did. Then she locks me in my room and makes me tell her. So I tell her in a nice way, and sugarcoat it so much it'll give you a cavity just looking at it. But she screams at me and somehow turns my feeling and emotions around on me. She makes me feel guilty and worse than before. My siblings have noticed this too, and she will sometimes do it to them, but usually it's just me. I don't know what to do. I'm trapped, and I get in trouble for feeling anything except for happy, so I usually fake a smile. I need help.

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      LongTimeMother 2 months ago from Australia

      I hear you, w. It is frustrating to remember your dad in his better times, but be living in more troubled times at present. Hopefully he's just going through a temporary time of upheaval and return to his more pleasant self.

      I suggest you try talking to him, and remind him of how things used to be. Tell him you miss your good relationship, and would like his help to restore it. Good luck.

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      2 months ago

      how come you dont have one that says

      i hate my dad because hes constantly yelling and causing fights in the family and he makes everything about him and thinks hes the best, but at the same time i love my dad because hes my dad and i have a heart and when i was little he used to not yell and do stuff with me but now we drifted apart.

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      LongTimeMother 2 months ago from Australia

      Millena, you have to do what's right for you. If you feel the need to speak with a therapist, do it. I understand you don't want to upset your mom, but she's making her decisions and you have to make your own. Sounds like she's chosen to keep her problems a secret from everyone else, but that doesn't mean you have to.

      Sometimes mothers lose track of what's best for their kids. Sad, but true. Perhaps speaking with a therapist might help you figure out what you can do to help your 6 year old brother as well. You really should talk to someone you trust about your problems. Maybe there's a relative or the parent of a friend you could turn to for advice.

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      LongTimeMother 2 months ago from Australia

      Hi Joseph. I understand. I also know you can get through this, and in time you'll be able to leave your father behind you. Keep working hard to create a positive future for yourself.

      Your mother and your 32-year-old sister are adults. Perhaps you might remind them they are old enough right now to explore options for seeking help and leaving your dad. But, to be honest, you can only take responsibility for yourself ~ so concentrate on creating your own independence in the future. Maybe then you can be more help to them if they're still stuck in a bad place.

      Good luck to you, Joseph.

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      Millena A 2 months ago

      I don't like my dad because he always screams and he doesn't even know his voice is that loud . I have a 6 year old brother and I'm afraid his actions may stick with him as well so I try my best to keep him away from him . I barely talk to my dad because I know it will end up with screaming . I have thought about going to a therapist but I'm hesitant to what my mother would say. My mom is the nicest person ever , I think my dad is VERY stubborn and cant take criticism .I would really like to move and get away from him as soon as possible .

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      LongTimeMother 2 months ago from Australia

      Some parents forget to tell their kids 'I love you'. There's no excuse as far as I'm concerned. We should never be too busy to give our kids a hug and tell them we love them. Perhaps you should remind them how important it is. :)

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      Me 2 months ago

      My perants have never once told me "I love you"

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      Leanne 4 months ago

      My dad is always yelling, even about the smallest things that don't even matter. He denies everything he has ever said if we use it against him. He fights with my mom about how to properly punish my brother for something that he shouldn't even be punished for. He told my brother he would be the reason for their divorce. He acts like he owns my mother and she doesn't get a say in anything... none of use do. He gets mad when my mom pays the bills with his paycheck and gets mad in general when she tried to talk about the bills. He makes my mother cry, not just from yelling at her but because he emotinally abuses my brother which hurts her, and it hurts me too. He always tells us what we can and can't do with our lives. He tells me classes i want to take are unacceptable, he tells me the major i want to choose is unacceptable, he tells me what I want to do with my future is unacceptable. If i get anything lower than an A in a class he yells. He yells when we talk in the kitchen when hes trying to watch tv. He thinks its ok to hit a child when hes angry (hes never done it but he threatens us). He gets mad when my mom goes anywhere, even to the mall. He gets mad when anyone goes anywhere and he can't come. He keeps telling me I have to get a job, but whenever I babysit or petsit, he gets angry because he wanted to go on vacation at that time. He gets mad when we buy anything. He tells me to get out of the house and do something but he doesn't want me to spend money (anywhere I go I would need to spend money because of gas). He wanted to plan a summer vacation and said "lets all have a family meeting to plan what to do this summer" then later that day, we never had a family meeting and he said "i booked a lake trip for us" without even asking if thats what we wanted to do. Thats what we always do. He never asks what we want. He never buys the birthday gifts ir christmas presents, my mom does and he just signs the card saying its from him too. Sure theres some things about him that are nice, but not enough to make up for all of this. He could care less about if my brother is crying and wandering on the streets at night alone after a fight. He said he didn't care where he was or if he got hurt. He tries to control all of us. I can tell my mom is hurt but she doesn't want to leave him because she needs his money to pay for the house. We can't just move because my dad never finished the house. I can tell she wants out if this relationship, but she won't do it. He has left before for 3 weeks, and she admitted it was the best 3 weeks of her life. She was scared when he would come back. None of us wanted him back in this house, but she doesn't have enough nerve to tell him. She doesn't like all the yelling and she doesn't like how he treats us, especially my brother. I've told my mom multiple times that it's much better for everyone when hes not here, but she can't tell him because shes scared.

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      Lauren 4 months ago

      I get how they feel about their dad and them being scared of your own dad,i feel the same way because my dad drinks alcohol'smokes cigarettes and he gets angry easily sometimes I feel like I will get him for all the years he caused trouble but I can't do anything

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      Anon 5 months ago

      My dad is a control freak and thinks he can insult me, and throws tantrums when he gets angry.

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      LongTimeMother 5 months ago from Australia

      I will get back to you shortly, westernlady. I'm certainly not going to suggest you call a helpline. I do have one thought that might be helpful, though. Give me a day to check it out and I'll write back to you.

      I don't expect you to trust me, but stick with me for a little while because I need to make sure what I'm about to say is absolutely true. I really want to help you if I can.

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      westernlady87 5 months ago

      As far as I'm Concerned, I never had a Father. As soon as he married my Mother, (and she was stupid enough to accept,) he kept trying to kill me. We were going through Wyoming and he left me behind and took off with my stupid Mother and my siblings. He kept beating me until I was unconscious. I was forced to wear rags. My mother later put him in charge of my discipline. I told you she was stupid. Three days later him and my brothers gang-raped me. To this day they say that this is in the past. I don't think so. I'm so full of hate I don't trust anyone, why bother? I went to 22 pyscologists and they either yelled at me, smiled and said nothing, or tell me to count my blessings! I'm better off dead! My so-called "older brother" still yells at me or insult me. So now I don't want anything to do with any of them. After my husband died, my siblings made fun of me. And Please don't tell me the 1-800-TALK number because I was connected to insane asylum! These so-called professionals are good for nothing!

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      LongTimeMother 5 months ago from Australia

      Shay, I see you are intelligent, analytical and perfectly capable of expressing yourself clearly and concisely. Seems to me you are perfectly positioned to achieve great things in life, despite your father being less than ideal. You're obviously developing strengths your sister won't be, if she's being mollycoddled. Yep, you'll be the strong one when you get out into the workplace and adult life.

      I doubt you can fully appreciate what a difference that will make for you in the future ... but it's a big one, Don't let yourself get bitter and twisted by how unfair it all feels right now. Keep one eye on the future and just smile to yourself because your adult life holds so much promise. Good luck. :)

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      Shay 5 months ago

      Listen, I understand that many have much worse problems here than my own. Abuse and neglect are fortunately not the main source of disdain towards my father. My real source comes from the fact that in comparison to my other sibling and everything else, he just doesn't care. He's totally oblivious. I know and understand what he does for me everyday and I do appreciate it but I can EASILY distinguish who's the favored child within my family. So can my other relatives. And the fact that my parents claim to be "bipartisan" to my sister and I is kind of sickening to me. If she gets sick, she's treated like a quintessential diamond, if I get sick? There is no capacity for concern in his eyes. I firmly believe most of what he does is an act to please my mother and she's totally ignorant of this. Sure, I am no victim of either of the two sources of legitimate hatred toward my father but there are significant things that he's done out of clear ignorance and overstepping his authority toward me. When combining the effects of ignorance and demanding orders be followed immediately and concisely it can become a compoundingly negative situation. And thus, it has yielded my current standing within my family construct.

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      LongTimeMother 6 months ago from Australia

      Hello Seth. Your father sounds irrational and frightening to be around. Smashing things and being threatening is not what we expect from anyone, especially a father in his home with his kids. I trust you'll remember how it feels to be on the receiving end, and never put your own future family in such an uncomfortable and frightening position. I'm counting on you to grow up and be one of the good guys. :)

      I'm relieved to hear you'll soon be living with your brother and your mom in a new house. Put those awful memories behind you and start fresh in a different home. I'm not sure how your mom's going to be when she and your dad get divorced. She might go through a bit of a grief process and feel insecure being by herself. However lots of women feel life is suddenly lighter and brighter, and they feel inspired about waking each morning and going to bed each night without the drama created by a former husband.

      My advice to you is to try and keep calm and level-headed while your parents finalize their divorce. There's likely to be emotional conflict between the two of them, and they'll undoubtedly argue about dividing property plus child support (for your brother) etc. It is not your job to put yourself in the middle of that. If your mom needs someone to be by her side during arguments, encourage her to ask a friend or family member. Not you. You can offer her moral support, of course, but your father should be facing your mom and someone he feels he should behave around. Obviously he doesn't behave well in front of you, so let some other adult step up and help.

      Perhaps the most helpful thing you can do around your father is remind him how important it is to be fair and reasonable for the sake of your brother. He's still a kid, and your dad isn't going to want him to hate him. If you think you can do it, gently remind him of that.

      Unfortunately there's probably still a lot of unpleasantness to face while your parents part, but once the three of you are free from his unpredicable outbursts, your new lives should be so much better. That's exciting,

      Please remember, I don't know anything about your dad other than what you've told me here. So my advice is based on a pretty general understanding of your situation. From where I'm sitting though, I don't think you should be challenging your father or making things more difficult for him. He's losing his family and possibly feeling like a loser right now. In which case, he's not going to react well if you make him feel even worse than he already does.

      If he doesn't feel like a loser, maybe he views the split as a chance to do what he wants to do with his life without the burden of a wife and kids around every day, In many ways, that's a good thing. If he thinks he wants the divorce and his 'freedom', perhaps you should just let him achieve that without challenging him or making things more difficult. After all, his 'freedom' is your freedom too.

      So keep your head down, Seth. Let your parents (and their adult friends or relatives) negotiate how the split takes place. Once things settle down, you and your brother might find the opportunity to meet with your dad in less stressful circumstances and develop a better relationship. You can't go back and change the past, but hopefully the future may be easier between you. Good luck. Take care.

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      Seth 6 months ago

      My dad has a "my way or the highway" kind of attitude, and whenever things don't go exactly as he plans and/or wants he likes to play the blame game: blaming everyone else and taking his anger and frustration out on others-his family specifically.

      He tends to throw things around, slam doors, break various stuff regardless of who it belongs to (he's broken my old computer keyboard (snapped it in half over his leg in front of me), slammed my old computer tower onto the hardwood floor and even threatened to break my phone in half right in front of me if he caught me recording him again) and is just unpleasant to be around at times. Couple that with the fact that we never know when he's gonna be home and the fact that we came real close to calling the cops on him last week (at the time of this post-I regret not doing that when I had the chance) and you can see the problem here.

      My younger brother (14) thinks that things can be made normal again but that can't happen sadly. My parents are gonna get divorced soon (about time if you ask me) and me, my brother and my mom are gonna be moving to another house. I'm currently 23 and I know what he's like when he's mad. Any tips and/or advice on how to deal with this?

      P.S. A common excuse he uses is "my house, my rules" yet both him and my moms names are listed on the house, meaning that he can't use that as an excuse to try to kick us out of the house and keep us out of the house.

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      LongTimeMother 6 months ago from Australia

      I'm not surprised you don't talk to your father, acanjo miguel. Nobody wants to talk to someone who just makes trouble in their life. And you're right, if you don't respect your dad because of the way he treated you and your brothers, he has nobody to blame but himself.

      It is not unusual for men to act differently around neighbours and even strangers to the way they behave at home. I'm sorry you're one of the many kids who suffer without sympathy and understanding from those around you. But please, don't give in to the urge to strike out at your dad. You know it won't help. Being violent is not a solution.

      Just keep reminding yourself that your future life can be great if you build new friendships and new relationships at a distance from your father. You could plan to find a job or undertake study in a different city, and build a new life. Your brothers could do the same, in the same region as you or maybe somewhere else. Make it difficult for your father to visit, and he will have no choice but to reflect on how he drove you away. Meanwhile, you can start having fun.

      I am SO happy that you don't ever want to be like your father. Please don't lose sight of that goal. Your future partner (and future children) will respect you if you can some day be the good dad that your father wasn't. Good luck, my friend. Keep one eye on the future at all times, and build a good one!

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      arcanjo miguel 6 months ago

      hi,i found this article very good it almost made me cry.

      i live this everyday.

      my dad is totally abusive, ignorant,fake,junkie,irresponsable.

      he rather buy beer than food he is a total dushbag, when we were kids he used to beat the shit out of my bigger brothers and nowadays he complains that we dont talk to him, we dont respect him, but somehow he started all of this.

      is true that im not a perfect son but i think i deserve a better dad.

      sometimes i think of killing him with my bear hands and i know its crazy. with other people like neighbours he is an angel but to his sons is a devil.

      i dont wanna be like him never never.

      thank you LongTimeMother for this article.

      God bless you

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      LongTimeMother 6 months ago from Australia

      Hello again, emma. You can keep writing to me for as long as you like. I'm happy to chat with you. Sometimes when I travel it takes me a couple of days to answer, but I'll always get back to you. :)

      I want to start with what looks like the most important issue about your dad. And I'm hoping you will accept what I say about it without argument or questioning. There is absolutely no room to move on this first piece of advice ...

      You absolutely, positively MUST respect your father's right to expect you to be dressed appropriately around him. If he refused to come out of his room until you changed, then that's extremely important to him. I don't know the reason why, but I have known enough young men (who grew to be older men) to understand there's a bunch of reasons behind that kind of strict insistence that their daughters (and sometimes sons) be appropriately covered.

      Some of them knew girls who were raped. It wasn't their fault, but they were wearing minimal clothing at the time. As dads, they fear the same tragedy happening to their own kids. Some know disgusting, sleazy men in their workplace or among their friends and don't want their kids to ever be ogled and commented on in the way the sleaze-balls talk about other kids. And some quietly fear their own reaction if they see their daughters dressed in sexy, revealing outfits.

      Whatever the reason in your dad's case, I want you to respect him for it. Don't push him on this one, just live with it. He has a reason, and you should be grateful that he's making his own determined attempt to protect you. So he wins this one. No question about it. (I think it also explains why he doesn't want you going out dressed in revealing tops, but if you zip up your jackets when he comes to pick you up, you're working around that.) Don't mess with your dad's head. It isn't easy being the parent of a developing teenager, and it sounds like he's doing his best. Despite how mad you get with your dad, you have to give credit where it is due.

      I agree you should be able to do anything without being objectified because of how a male's mind works, but the sad truth is that you will be objectified by some (not all) men. You just have to read the newspapers to see how unfair the world is, and how many (not all) women suffer. I was a teenager in the early 1970s wearing cheese-cloth tops with no bra, hot pants etc. Young and naïve, I enjoyed the freedom of the time and believed the feminists who were vocal at the time would pave the way for all future generations of women to be granted the similar ability to make choices without fear.

      Sadly, that never happened. I survived my teenage years more through good luck than good management. And I've had daughters of my own who have had to (still have to) negotiate their way safely throughout life. One tip I give them (and you) is to 'pick your audience'. That applies to what you say, as well as what you wear.

      For instance, when they were little I taught them not to tell rude jokes in front of anyone except their closest friends. Their friends would think they were funny, but adults including teachers and other kids' parents would just think they were rude. And when they were teenagers going to parties, I'd encourage them to think about how many people they'd actually know at a party and how safe they'd be if there was someone troublesome there, before choosing what to wear when they went out.

      I think that's a skill you need to develop for yourself, emma. 'Pick your audience'. When your dad is part of your audience, you're going to have to accommodate him. (We already talked about that.) But as you move out into the bigger world (including on social media), you need to ask yourself who is actually following you? Who is in your social media audience?

      You can't trust everyone in the world, and you don't want to give too many clues to nutters who might become obsessed with you and look for ways to seek you out. So maybe you need to stop before you post updates on your life that you might not want everyone to know (if you think about how much you can trust everyone in that audience). Maybe having a chat with your parents about that kind of thing (after you've had time to think it through) might help them see you are becoming more mature and responsible. One of the facts about being a teenager is that most teenagers can't yet see what's 'childish' about their behaviour. That's perfectly understandable, of course. You'll find as you get older, you'll look at teenagers slightly younger than yourself and think how 'childish' they are. You just watch and see! lol. As you get older, I think you'll start living your life for yourself. Not for your parents ... but not for your friends either. You have to be true to yourself, emma. And you really shouldn't need to post a blow-by-blow account of your life for everyone to see.

      Some people say teenagers are seeking approval and want to impress others by having large social media followings. That might be true, but from where I'm sitting the biggest potential problem with social media is that you're handing so much 'power' over to other people. By posting often and keeping followers and friends 'updated on your life', you're subconsciously passing them the power to directly influence you every day. And, if you look closely you'll see, you're actually inviting them to hurt you.

      Don't believe me? Well, here's what I'm thinking. I could be wrong, but I fear you might be doing with your social media exactly what you seem to be doing with your dad. Which brings me to my last point for now ...

      You wrote: Many times, I calmly tell him what he's doing wrong and he pretends to be sympathetic, but I pause and say, "You might not even apply this to yourself next time." His answer? "You're right, I won't. I'm just listening so that you can get it out of your system."

      Yikes. Sounds like you were doing really well. You're calm. and he's sympathetic. But then you hand your father 'the power' to 'hurt' you by saying you don't expect he'll apply the solution to the problem the next time. That's not the way to achieve a good, positive outcome my young friend. You were doing a really good job, but then you shot yourself in the foot.

      In future when you have a good talk with your dad, I suggest you say something like 'Thanks, dad. Can we both agree to try and handle this better next time, please?' Keep trying to walk away from each other on a positive note, not tossing a negative up in the air for him to bat back at you.

      Can you see how this applies to social media? Or would you like further explanation? (This answer is already really long.)

      Anyway, I hope this helps. :)

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      emmakwenndie04 6 months ago

      Thanks for replying :)

      My mother does drive, but honestly she doesn't want me to be a model, either. She's caring, she listens, she drives me to auditions, but for her, my education is #1 priority. Whenever I mention anything about castings or auditions on a weekday, she doesn't let me go. She obviously wants me to follow my dreams, but she wants me to follow them AFTER getting a scholarship to a good college. AFTER getting a PhD.

      As for my dad... he thinks the modeling gigs are just childish dreams refusing to grow out. Whenever I talk about Hollywood, modeling, etc. I can just see the words in his head going, "when will she grow up and see the real world?" And honestly? I see the world clearly. I am a teen and I work extra hard to book auditions while balancing tests and schoolwork. He just doesn't understand the importance of this.

      Sometimes, my dad will be loving. He'll be the dad I used to think of as my superhero.

      Then, all of the sudden, there will be the other dad. The one I hate, the one who doesn't support me in any way. The one who yells, emotionally scars us. This side of him comes out much more.

      The worst thing my dad does is when he gets really angry. He shouts endlessly, and then inwardly calms down. So just when I'm about to scream back, he'll say, "Okay, joking aside, blah blah blah." And you just can't do that! You can't scream at your child and hurt them with your words, only to tell them it's a joke five seconds later when it clearly wasn't! And even if it was, you can't joke around like that. He thinks we are all stupid, like we can't tell he's mad when he is.

      Many times, I calmly tell him what he's doing wrong and he pretends to be sympathetic, but I pause and say, "You might not even apply this to yourself next time." His answer? "You're right, I won't. I'm just listening so that you can get it out of your system." He treats me like a child! I am, but could you respect me just a little? I mean, he demands respect all the time, but in order for me to respect him, it has to be at least 1% mutual, right?

      Also, he has this whole idea of masculinity. He thinks he can't cry, he can't be weak in front of us or we'll look down on him. To me, him trying to pick himself up each time he does something wrong instead of owning to it just makes him look weak. Plain weak.

      He has an idea of what a woman should be, too. I am a teen. I started wearing cropped tops and skin-showing clothes when I was 13 years old, not because I am a slut, but because I liked the style. My body is not meant to be objectified. I can wear any clothes I want to without being slutty! But he just doesn't get that.

      I know, if I wear skimpy outfits, boys will look, there are perverts out there, I know it all. But I don't wear it for boys, I wear it for me! I should be able to do anything without being objectified because of how a male's mind works.

      I have to zip up my jackets when my dad comes to pick me up from school because he might yell at me for "being a tramp". I have to go though insane lengths I shouldn't have to go through so that he doesn't find out what I'm wearing, when I'm wearing them. Example, I once went to work out in the living room, wearing a cropped tank and half-sheer leggings. He refused to come out of his room until I changed, threatening to take away my phone.

      Talking about phones: I am a teenager in the 21st century. I will have social media. Social media is important in my life. About 75% of the time I spend on my phone is on social media. I have a lot of friends, I have a popular life, but my dad just doesn't understand that! Okay, I know its not good to be spending all your time on social media. But I get jobs from my modeling account. I respond to friends, to direct messages, I keep my followers and friends updated on my life! Its the life most teenagers live these days. But my dad doesn't get it. He doesn't understand having friends, of course, because he was a nerdy guy back in his days. He refuses to listen to me.

      This feels really great to just let it all out. ;)

      Thanks for the advice on the last post.

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      LongTimeMother 6 months ago from Australia

      It will be disappointing if your dad takes you out of gymnastics, Alexis. Does he know how much you enjoy it, and have you pointed out to him that it is perfect exercise to keep you fit? Maybe he can't afford the classes any more, in which case it might be an understandable decision. Perhaps you could talk to him about that. Sometimes adults make decisions for reasons other than just wanting to hurt or punish their kids, but fail to make their reasons clear enough for the kids to understand. And sometimes, they're just mean.

      You say your dad's a control freak. I get that. But it is up to you to figure out if he has a real reason he hasn't explained to you. If there's no reason for it, he's probably just being mean. And that would be a real shame. :(

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      LongTimeMother 7 months ago from Australia

      Your father is a fool, emmakwenndie04. He should be proud of your achievements. Instead, he is missing out on what should be happy years. Unfortunately lots of dads are like yours. But the good news is there's lots of kids like you who survive having a bad dad and go on to have great success, despite their father's disappointing attitude.

      I wonder if you might be able to get him interested in helping you pursue your interest in modelling (or work around him discouraging you.) Here's some thoughts ...

      Have you asked the talent agents how much you'd be paid if you get work with them? Perhaps your father might become more interested in helping you if he can see there's a good reward at the end. You shouldn't have to pay a talent agent any money up front. If they're confident they can get you work, they should be covering the costs and then only take a small percentage of money you make. (Agents get 10% in Australia, for instance.)

      If you manage to get paid jobs, you'll be able to pay for taxis instead of having to wake your father up to drive you places. He might consider that to be a definite bonus.

      And, if he wants you to become a public speaker, he should be eager for you to become a public figure. Have you pointed out to him that if you become a model, more people are likely to want to hear what you have to say? And you'll have more experiences to talk about. So, surely he can see sense in helping you to get started in modelling.

      Does your mother drive? Or is there someone else in your life who can help by driving you places?

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      LongTimeMother 7 months ago from Australia

      Hello Dun.

      Don't waste time and effort wishing bad things for your parents. Concentrate on building a strong and positive future for yourself, and just be happy with the fact you're doing your best.

      If there's one thing I wish every child could understand, it is just how easy it is to build a new life for yourself once you're an adult if you choose to leave your parents behind you. So please don't get caught up with thoughts of revenge or bitterness. It takes time to become an adult, but you'll get there. And then you can make your own decisions and create a beautiful new life (and future family) for yourself. And when you do, make sure you talk to your kids!

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      emmakwenndie04 7 months ago

      My father is so much like what you described. He yells at me if he thinks I'm giving him an attitude, which I barely ever do.

      I get good grades in school, but its never good enough for him. I have dreams to become a supermodel, but no, he tells me I can never go to Hollywood because I am Asian and I am poor. I had many talent agents offer me photoshoots, but he tells them he is too busy to drive me around the area like that.

      Many times my father has expressed that he wants me to be a public speaker. He tells me statistics, information, facts, all about the job, but never once asked me what I wanted to do. Its my life, but he acts like its his.

      He works a night shift, so he always complains about how little sleep he gets. I text him to pick me up at a friend's house when he's sleeping? I get huge texts including verbal abuse about his sleeping time. I complain about my sister getting less work than I do? I get yelled at for saying anything. He constantly says, "I won't care anymore! I don't care if you get bad grades, if you want something, if you ask for anything! I don't care!" but when the next report card comes rolling in and I get an A-, I have to hear the lecture again.

      I go to an art high school, emphasizing(or majoring) in violin. Every time I have a concert, I can never ask him. Of course, he "needs to sleep", or maybe is "too tired because its a weekday"! And the one time he came to a concert, he was on his phone the whole time I was playing(I was the first chair, first violinist, too) and left during intermission, me in tow, resulting in a ten-minute long lecture from my orchestra teacher the next day.

      He is so controlling! Whenever I walk to places after school with a friend, who just happens to be a boy, he yells at me for walking with a boy. I barely get to go anywhere. My only defender is my mother.

      Please give some advice. Thank you.

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      Anonymous 7 months ago

      I do something wrong and he just yells at me. That's all he seems to know how to do. Yell. I never get positive feedback from him, and when I do it is just him be rude and obnoxious towards me. I hate him I really do. I'm completely done with dealing with him. It's over.

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      LongTimeMother 7 months ago from Australia

      I'm sorry your mom died. I don't know how close you two were, but it sounds like your dad has always been a bit distant. We all deal with grief differently. Perhaps he's not coping very well and looking for 'excuses' to withdraw into himself. But that's no help to you, is it? You need love and attention. Somebody should tell him that. Is there someone you trust who could have a talk with him, or could you talk to him about it yourself?

      You're right about not deserving to be ignored, but he obviously doesn't see what's happening around him. I think your best option is to try and get your father to come to his senses. It doesn't really make sense to leave home just yet, does it? If he's not abusing you or putting you in danger, staying at home is probably your best option despite your disappointment in him. Here's what I'm thinking ...

      Sounds like he's making sure you get to school, making sure there's food in the house for you to eat, and trying to get others to spend 'mom time' with you. So even though he's not being a great dad in some ways, he's certainly sounding like he's being a responsible dad in ways many other kids don't get. So you're being looked after physically. You're missing out emotionally though. I can see that.

      Let's talk about what your options are for 'connecting' emotionally. In an ideal world, you'd be connecting with your father. Someone's going to have to point out to him that you're missing your mom and needing a parent, and it is time for him to step up and fill his role as your dad ~ not just as your 'provider'. He needs reminding that you'll be an adult soon and moving away from home, so now is the time for you both to spend time together and form a real bond. You could be the one to talk to him about it. Maybe you could enter into his 'work space' at home and tell him you miss having a parent to spend time with. Figure out things you could do together, even if part of that time is spent helping him with his work. Tell him you'll spend time helping him sort out his paperwork if that means he can spend time going to a movie with you. That kind of thing.

      If it doesn't work out with your dad, then I think you should be open to the idea of creating a parent-type relationship with someone else. Look for a mother figure. Do you have a friend with a mom you really like or respect? You could ask her if she minds helping you get your head around a few things now that you don't have a mom of your own. There's lots of gentle ways to ease into building a relationship with someone else's mom, an aunt, or maybe even a woman who works with your dad.. You could start with a simple question like how to make pancakes, or some other cooking question. Or you could ask for advice about choosing universities or a career path in the future. Remember, you don't have to actually take their advice but it is always nice to have someone to talk to.

      I've been 'another mother' to lots of kids over the years. Don't be afraid to approach friendly women you feel you can trust. There's lots of us in the world who are willing to take teenagers under our wing.

      I fear leaving home now would be a mistake, my friend. I understand it must really hurt if you think money overrules love in your father's mind. But believe me, if you don't have access to your dad's money and his willingness to meet your financial needs, life can get an awful lot tougher. So please, try to reach out to him and if that doesn't work, just concentrate on building a strong future for yourself.

      Study hard, and learn as much as you can. Take up guitar lessons or tap dancing lessons or something else that sounds like it might be fun. Ask your dad to buy you a musical instrument and/or dancing shoes and tell him you're desperate for ways to fill your days and keep your mind occupied because you miss your mom so much. You can learn new things via youtube if you don't have access to actual teachers.

      And don't be afraid to cry in front of your dad. Reach out to him and let him see you need him. I'm hoping the two of you can find a way to support each other in this really difficult time. If not, then I'm counting on you to be strong enough to set yourself on a path for a successful and happy future. You know you can always write to me anytime you want. I'm always happy to be another mother for you as well. Take care.

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      Anonymous Girl 7 months ago

      Sometimes, I am way too ashamed to call him my father. I guess I expected him to care more since my mom died, but it feels like way less. He's too obsessed with business, and he always delegates other people to take care of me (e.g. taking me to school, getting groceries, spending "mom time" with me)

      It frustrates me that he can't be a dad. He's so old that I feel like if I talked with him about it, he'd soon forget, like everything else I've tried to tell him. He never takes time out of his busy life for me. He works from home, what the hell is he so "busy" doing??

      Sometimes I think he doesn't even care. Especially now. Does he even know how his actions have effected others around? I hear it from everybody. I just wanna leave. I don't deserve this ignorant treatment. To him money overrules love. I'm 16, but I wanna leave home NOW. I don't know what to do.

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      LongTimeMother 7 months ago from Australia

      I understand why you feel the way you do, sudhir singhal. Your father was a monster. No wonder you hate him. It is 12 years since your father died. That part of your life is over. He can't physically hurt you now yet it seems you are still tortured by the memories. Let's talk about you, and what your future holds.

      If your father was alive, you'd be wishing he was dead. But he's gone, and even though others might not understand me saying this, I think you should be happy. Your life is your own now. You can do whatever you want. You can follow your own path and seek happiness.

      I believe your 'revenge' should be to put your father from your mind, and start living your life in a good and happy way. Spend many years from today forward making new friends, having new adventures, following new passions ... and laughing. You absolutely have a heart! Yes, you are confused. That's understandable. However I want you to know that it is possible to leave him behind you and start afresh.

      If ever you want to talk about problems, or to share good news, you can write to me again. I'm just one of the many, many new friends who will welcome you into their lives. Open your heart and let us all in. We'll help make your life happier. Your heart is bruised and battered by your father, but your new experiences will help it heal and grow stronger. I'm sending you hugs, my friend. Please get out and start really living your life!

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      sudhir singhal 7 months ago

      i m 32 years old it's been 12 years he's died but still I hate him so much that I want him to be alive and torture him

      He tortures me mentally physically beats me with wires sticks punches stones he wants to kill me but don't have the dare to do it I tried commitkng suicide several times but failed

      My mother was just a slave of her I want that dog alive now and want to torture his soul

      Many times I wasn't feeded for weeks and used to abuse physically.

      He was a monster for me and now I am left with a no heart confused and fucking mind

      Now I think I shouldn't been born and want to end this life

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      LongTimeMother 8 months ago from Australia

      I'm excited for your daughter, Miu. It sounds like she's on track for a lovely relationship with her dad. Even if you part company with him in future years, I sincerely hope he'll maintain a healthy relationship with her ... unlike the disgusting way your own dad behaved.

      I honestly don't see any reason to have your father back in your lives. You'll have a happier life without opening those old wounds and adding fresh ones to the mix. It has always puzzled me when well-meaning people encourage the whole 'try again' strategy in cases like yours. Ignore anyone who suggests such a thing. Just move on with your new life with the people you love.

      Yes, you'll probably always be a little envious of others with a good dad. But you can't rewrite history, no matter how much you'd like to. I'm proud of you for coping despite the abuse, and coming out the other end as a loving mother with the best interests of your own child (and any future children) in mind. I wish you every happiness for the future.

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      Miu 8 months ago

      I'm in my 30's now and still feel resentment and somestimes hate towards my father including all three siblings who hate him even more.

      Growing up we all witnessed the verbal, emotional and sometimes physical abuse our mother went through. As a child I remember one time he and my mother had an argument early in the morning. He went crazy and took out a kitchen knife out from one of the draws, threatening to kill her and then himself. Mum was so frightened that she ran to the neighbours house. She then called home to let us children know she was safe. We had to take refuge at a friends house one time during my high school years because of his abuse.

      He always compared me to his neices, nephews and critised me acadamically. As a young adult, I studied hard, getting into uni and also graduating. All because we wanted to give him more face and hope he for once would be proud and give us praises (which he has never done for any of his children). No praises or care given. Not even financial support as children.

      By the way, coming from an asian culture, our family came from a very low socio economic background back then and we lived in a really rough neighbourhood. So his relatives would look down on us and treat us like dirt. Which he allow it to happen and never protected us from the way we were treated.

      One memory I can remember when I was little was when my mum was asked to watch my second cousins . There were three of them, all under the age of 13. Their parents had alot of money and would treat my mother disrespectively in front of them. As a result these kids also treated my mother with disrespect; verbally and emotionally abuse my mother. My mother would cry and those kids would all laughed like it was nothing.

      Those kids would also physically abuse me if given the chance, taking me to a private room, using a cane to hurt me, slapping, kicking.

      Mum didn't care about face. To her that was not important and she didn't care what anyone thought of us as long has we got the education she never had. She sacrificed a lot for us to have a better life.

      My mum finally got a divorced she's been waiting for after years of abuse. During the divorce process he got his relatives involved , harassing us. He wanted to evict all his children and my mother out of the home so he can sell it. He did not care if we were all on the streets. That was the family home where my family have lived in for many years. He had no right!

      I have a daughter now and encourage my partner to have a healthy daddy relationship with her and vice versa. I never want her to experience not having a father around and want her to have the relationship I never had with mine. I want her to have a father who can give her advice or be there for her such as asking advice about boys, going on first date, graduation, protect her, be at her wedding etc...

      Everytime I hear of people talking about how great their dad is or the things their dad have done for and with them, it makes me envious of the relation they have with their dads

      I dont think I can ever forgive mine or have him back in our lives for what he put our family through all those years. Especially my mother. She went through a lot staying with in an abusive relationship.

      Sorry for the bad grammer. I'm writing this on my phone .

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      LongTimeMother 8 months ago from Australia

      Hello my young friend. If you are scoring Bs and the occasional C you are doing pretty well. Not everyone in the world can be an A-grade student. There's lots of other things that make a person happy and successful, that have nothing to do with how we perform at school. I want you to remember that I know nothing about you other than what you've written. I'll try and answer your question but you might have to help me by writing some more. If you need to talk more, just write. I might not get a chance to answer as quickly as this time, but I will definitely write back as soon as I can.

      So, it looks to me like your father has unrealistic expectations and he doesn't really know (or understand) you. We both know that's not going to change overnight, but maybe we can come up with a plan that will help make things better and easier between you and your dad.

      Have you ever had a talk with your dad about the future? Your future. Have you asked him what he thinks the world will be like in 10 years time, and what kind of skills you'll need as an adult? I'm thinking it might be good to get his head away from the school books and trying to get you into university. Do you have any interests or hobbies or anything that might be interesting as a job in the future? You know, like if you are really into cars, maybe you could be talking with him now about maybe becoming a mechanic or something else car-related. (If you're a really good talker, maybe you could both talk about what you'd need to do in order to become a Porsche sales rep or to sell really expensive cars for a big commission.)

      So perhaps you and your dad could be discussing other things to concentrate on while you're continuing at schools with your B-grades. Like for instance, do you need to develop skills and confidence as a public speaker? If he encourages you to practise standing up and making a speech (even in the mirror), that could be good.

      Or maybe you could get him a bit excited about you becoming a photographer, a videographer, or even a chef! Do you like cooking? I think we need your dad to see a future for you that doesn't necessarily depend on top marks when you finish school. Would you be interested in gaining a trade? Geez, it costs me a fortune to hire a plumber around here. Good plumbers are really rich!!

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      Anon 8 months ago

      My dad always thinks that Bs and a 79(which is barely a C) is bad and I get hit by him for stuff like this. I can't ask him for math help because I don't like when he hits me and if I get it wrong there's a chance he might. He doesn't know anything important about me and I hate that. I can't trust him with anything. I made a fake Facebook to find friends and he doesn't know about it. I just hate him. He's critical over small defections. He uses this excuse of him being African and growing up poor as an excuse, and I just can't trust him. What should I do?

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      LongTimeMother 8 months ago from Australia

      Hello youth counselor. I know the kind of father you're talking about, but I've never heard a child say they hate their dad because he's too lenient with dishing out punishment.

      Ignoring a child can make them feel abandoned, even when living in the same house. But I wouldn't consider 'friend dads' to be worthy of including in a list of reasons why kids hate their fathers.

      Lots of the kids I've encountered over the years would love it if their dads made an effort to be more like a friend. Still their dad, but trying to find common interests they can share.

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      youth counselor 8 months ago

      i see some of these. I also see the dad that is the friend dad. Randomly enforces rules or doesnt enforce any rules at all. The student wants structure and the dad doesnt provide any. the kid feels unloved because the dad never punishes them for anything, they feel the freedom is also rooted in not caring

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      LongTimeMother 8 months ago from Australia

      Hello, whoever goes by the name 'y'. I'm sorry you hate your dad. I can't give you any thoughts that might help because I don't know your exact circumstances. However I can suggest you read all the comments here in case there's something that applies to your relationship with your father.

      And I can wish you luck and best wishes for the future! Feel free to write to me any time you feel like it. Take care.

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      LongTimeMother 8 months ago from Australia

      Laura, I'm guessing your dad would be incredibly disappointed (in himself) if he know you hated him. You haven't told me much, but it sounds like he tries to be responsible and a 'good dad'. Here's a few of my thoughts for you.

      I'd like you to understand that parents are human. We make mistakes, we get caught up in issues and problems (often outside the home), and we sometimes lose sight of what's really important. I can honestly say I think I'm a much better mother to my youngest child than I was to her older siblings. Why? Because I learned from experience.

      Most mothers and fathers have their kids all close together in age, so they make the same mistakes with all of them. I'm different to most. My oldest child was 22 by the time I had my youngest. When my last baby was born, her closest sibling was 11 years older. So, she's now a teenager with adult siblings ... and a mother who has had time to reflect on what I did right, and wrong, when raising the older kids.

      Your father is probably preoccupied with all the things he thinks are important (like I used to be), and hasn't stopped to think about how his actions and reactions are influencing you and your sister. He's just concentrating on paying the bills and getting through each day, from his own perspective. The only way he'll change is if someone points out to him that there's a problem.

      I certainly was never the worst mother in the world and I'm actually proud of what I managed to achieve as a young mother. I love my kids and they love me! I'm proud of them, and they're proud of me! That's a great result as far as parenting goes. But when I was young I'd get frustrated, and I assumed my kids would know if I was cranky about something that happened at work, or something that had nothing to do with them. Stupidly, I didn't stop to think that me yelling at a flat tire, for instance, was me yelling. And kids don't like parents yelling.

      Now that I'm older, if I discover a flat tire when I am about to drive to an important meeting I don't bother getting upset about it. It isn't going to change the tire any faster, and it won't help at all if I kick it or swear at it. I just phone up to say I'm going to be late, and I change the tire. No yelling. It isn't hard to react to problems differently, but I never thought about it until one of my kids was old enough to draw it to my attention.

      So, because you said your dad loves both you and your sister a lot and he does everything a good dad does, I suggest you sit him down and have a good heart-to-heart chat. Or write him a letter. Tell him you appreciate all the good things he does for you, and you believe he wants to be the best dad he can be. But you need to ask him to please try not to yell because it scares you and your sister.

      Tell him you want to remember him as a loving, happy dad when you are an adult. Not as a temperamental dad who yelled a lot! I'm hoping that's all he'll need to make the change. Remember, he has a lot of other things on his mind and he just might have never stopped to think about how you feel when he yells. He can't change it if he doesn't know it is a problem.

      Good luck, Laura. Talk to me again if you need to!

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      laura 8 months ago

      i really hate my dad. he is so temperamental and yells a lot. it scares both my sister and me. i don't know what to do because he loves us both a lot and does everything a good dad does. he just gets angry sometimes and i hate it so much. help?

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      LongTimeMother 8 months ago from Australia

      I'm listening, Lalaaeign A. Always happy to hear you out. :)

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      LongTimeMother 8 months ago from Australia

      Anthony, I am so sorry your father let you down ... again. He just doesn't have a clue, does he? No idea at all what it means to be a loving dad. Good on you for reaching out, but what a tragedy. Losing your daughter, and confirming your dad is nothing more than a disappointment all on the same day.

      You, my young friend, will never take a child for granted. One day you're going to be one of the best fathers in the world. Why? Because you've felt how precious a child's life really is. And you've learned from the 'best' what NOT to do. Just behave the opposite way to your father!

      I understand your heart must feel broken, but I want you to give yourself a chance to feel true happiness in the future. That's going to take time, Anthony. Time to heal, and time to grow into the man you'll become.

      I wish for you all the strength and love you need and deserve. I am so, so sorry you didn't get it as a boy. You'll have to make up for it as a man.

      You're going to be a great dad some day, Anthony. I'm sure of it!

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      Lalaaeign A. 8 months ago

      I hope someone will hear me out. It seems that nobody understands me. Nice hub

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      anthony larosa 8 months ago

      My parents split when i was 13 my father was abusive mentally and physically, hed beat me into a cor er and tell me to kill my self, things keept happening when i turned 16 i ran away with the gypsies, tried making a family. I had a daughter who passed last year, i finally called my dad amd said, hey your daughters being born, but she shall not make it. Please come up. He said no i have a football game

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      LongTimeMother 9 months ago from Australia

      Hello Tanya. I'm sorry you're so sad. You can talk to me about your problems if you like. Your note says you are age 8, but I think that must be a typo. (You write like someone older.) I will try and watch for any future notes from you. Take care.

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      Tanya gara age 8 9 months ago

      I really hate my dad I'm actually crying right now so I send a letter and hidden it under his trousers so yeah and I don't want him In my house :( and please beg me because I'm real sad

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      LongTimeMother 9 months ago from Australia

      Ted, it sounds like your daughter was hurting for years so don't be surprised if it takes a few years to make amends. One apology isn't going to fix things. The suggestion of a letter is a good one, but I think you should do more. You need to become the father who keeps contacting her and giving her attention. Remind her that you've learned from your past mistakes, and you intend to keep trying until she gives you another chance.

      Yes, you lost. But so did your daughter. It will take time and effort for you both to heal.

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      LongTimeMother 9 months ago from Australia

      William, throwing punches at your father will escalate things and there's really no going back once that happens. Please don't hit him unless you really have no other option and need to defend yourself. Accidents happen, and you don't want to spoil your life. You're so close to being an adult and able to leave home. Please avoid trouble. Just keep reminding yourself that you'll be finished high school soon.

      Do you have a guidance counselor at school, or the trusted parent of a friend to turn to? You need an adult in your life who can help you. They need to tell your dad they're aware of how he treats you, and tell him it isn't good enough. You'd be surprised how many men stop bullying their kids when an adult gets involved.

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      William Dugat 9 months ago

      I'm 16. That may be part of the reason I feel this way but I think I have a fair hatred for my father. I've endured years of phsychological abuse from him and I genuinely believe it is his fault that I now have social anxiety. He treated me poorly as a child and still does now. There is no mutual respect among us. I HAVE to respect him or I'm not sure what he will do. I get none in return. I'm treated like I'm 5, and I still have a "bed time" of 10:00 and I'm a SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL. What doesn't make sense is he won't give me an explanation for his rules. He just says "you have to follow them because I say so, and I don't have to tell you why." He believes video games are the devil. He makes me turn in my phone at night at 8:00. He's critical of everything I do. I'm an all A-B student in advanced courses (although my GPA is at almost 98- 4.0). I'm also a starting GK on the JV soccer team. But nothing I do is ever good enough. He always tries to put me into his shadow by saying things like "well when I was your age, I did____/I could do ____". It's like he's trying to shove it down my throat that he's so much better than me or something. I only hear criticism. We never get along at all. I dread being around him and I hate talking to him because all he does is annoy me 24/7. And lastly, he's borderlining physical abuse. He's old and fat so I'm getting very close to just beating the crap out of him. I don't want to, but the things he does is just too far. He always makes threats to knock me down or hit or punch me or slap me or anything like that (though he has yet to hit me). He also pins me up against the wall by my throat or against the couch or whatever is nearby. I'm not taking that anymore. If he does it again, I've already decided I'm going to start throwing punches. And that's not my nature at all. I've never even fought anyone for real before and I never get in trouble at school. I don't know what to do anymore.

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      ewent 9 months ago

      Ted, It sounds as if your first wife is searching for the Daddy she never had. Sadly, that will never end. You might find that your former wife has unduly influenced your daughter. As a woman, I know that many women are visciously vindictive, especially when they feel their daughters are a major competition.

      You say your daughter won't speak to you. Have you tried writing her a long, soul searching letter? If you know anything about women, it is that curiosity precludes their ability to toss any personal letters in the trash without reading it.

      Sometimes, teen girls can be a handful emotionally. Feelings they have at 15 are usually not the feelings they have at age 20. Try not to push too hard. It sounds as if her mother is a tad immature. When mother and daughter begin to be equal in age mentally and emotionally, daughter usually seeks out Dad who represents a greater level of maturity and wisdom.

      Send the letter. Wait and be patient. Remember the saying, "if it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

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      Ted S 9 months ago

      A few years ago when my daughter was about 14, my wife told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to forgo my relationship with my daughter and focus all my attention on her (my wife). I did this, and now my wife is gone (we are divorced due to her affairs) and my now 20 year old daughter won't speak to me because I didn't give her my attention during her teenage years. Any way you look at it, I lost.

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      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 10 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      Surprise! Surprise! Men hide their true feelings for their dads. I had 5 brothers and half brothers, 2 sons, 11 nephews and dozens of male friends and business associates.

      If ever there was a topic I know well merely by observation, it is men and their fathers. Some of the most brilliant and accomplished men I have ever worked with had this odd love/hate relationship with their Dads for a lifetime.

      One guy friend only became an engineer because his dad insisted on it. He grew to hate engineering, even though he was highly trained and educated. Another was a lawyer whose relationship with his daddy was like a spotted leopard at any given time. He admired his father's successes and was driven to compete with his father and exceed Daddy's successes for no reason other than to "show Dad" he was better.

      I could write a book on the number of men I've known in my lifetime who had "Daddy Syndrome." Sometimes, the angst sons carry about their daddies is warranted. Other times, it is definitely not.

      My own ex had a dreadful relationship with his father, a wonderful southern gentleman in the truest vernacular. It wasn't until after his father died, he began to wake up to his own misguided feelings about this admirable man.

      Fathers don't have all the answers anymore than mothers do. Fathers only know what "their" fathers taught them about parenting. Like most of us.

      Sadly, the Daddy Syndrome accounts for most of the type of vengeful, contrarian men in our society today. This is a result of a household that had a top down structure.

      If my observations of the complaints and grievances I've heard from my male friends are a commentary on Daddyism, it seems to come down to Daddy competing with son and son competing with Daddy on some bizarre yo yo string that goes up to admiration for Daddy and down to total lack of understanding by sons.

      I think some women have this same problem with their mothers. Just my opinion.

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      LongTimeMother 11 months ago from Australia

      Hello H. You've made it to 16. It won't be long until you're an adult and able to move out, and live your own life the way you choose.

      It sounds to me like your father might perhaps be bipolar (nice one minute, and yelling at you the next). But there's no excuse for what he did to his step-daughter, or what he's doing to you. It is another, different type of abuse.

      Yes, you are a person who deserves good things. I wish you the best of luck.

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      11 months ago

      I don't know if someone is gonna read this but I just needed to share this because I'm tired of keeping all to myself, so here's my reasons to hate my dad.

      My dad used to abuse his step daughter, one night I woke up because they were talking really high but I got frozen when I realize they were talking about sex stuff. Years later I heared them having sex, I shared the room with her at that time. I never telled anyone about this because I'm too scare. I used to think of my mum and dad as a fairytales' love story. When I realice my dad was cheating on her it hurted me, was like someone throw me cold water to woke up to reality. Since that day I felt like the child on me was gone. I still can't believe he didn't ever care that I was on the other bed just next to them or that I was only eight and it was Christmas' morning. He never cared about me.

      When I become a teenager my dad treated my like shit, he was always insulting me for the things I like, my body, my weight, my height, my sexuality, my points of view, basically for everything, he just wanted to changed me. And I hated myself because I was desesperade for his approve. So I stopped eating and stopped talking with him, I changed my clothes because he says I looked like a whore, my hairstyle, all because I wanted to be his "ideal daughter". I felt like shit, like if I didn't worth, so I started cutting myself, I thought that will help me, at first it felt like taking a big weight from my shoulders but now I realice that I only punished myself for someone who never cared about me.

      The worst thing is that sometimes he seems nice and treats me good but then he change in a minute and starts yelling at me. Sometimes I think he just wanna be a good father but it doesn't work out the way he wants. I feel sorry for him because he think that all I care is for material things so he wants to give me everything he can but we still have a cold relationship. Nothing never lackes in my house, we have a good car, a big house and me and my brother go to private schools. But I want a father, no a robot. I would give all the materials things just for a little piece of love.

      Right now I'm trying to recover from anorexia and trying to ignore his bad comentaries about my body and scars. I'm trying everyday to not giving up in life. I been diagnosed with bipolar disorder so it makes it harder but I'm trying my best to love my body and to love myself. He always tell me I should to kill myself because I'm "fucking depressed" but I still have people who loves me and care about me and I don't need him. Now I know that I'm a person who deserve good things and his problems aren't my fault.

      I'm 16 so I can't go away from him.

      My father killed my dreams, my childhood and my self esteem and that's why I hate him.

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      LongTimeMother 11 months ago from Australia

      Such a shame your unhappy childhood got in the way of having children yourself, Cat Mom. In my case, I grew up thinking I'd never have children ~ but what turned out to be a 'happy accident' changed that plan. It took a lot of effort (particularly in the early years) to parent 'the opposite' to the way I was raised.

      When I was young I used to wonder why some kids had happy childhoods, and others had ghastly childhoods. I gave up trying to figure it out, and decided I just had to work with what I had. I never felt connected to my family as a child, and I never bothered subjecting myself to unhappy interactions with them as an adult. My children and my husband are my family. They're all I need.

      I get that you miss your mom. And I understand why you hated your dad. But I am SO relieved you never killed him. That would have really spoiled your life. :)

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      Cat Mom 11 months ago

      My dad was born in 1918. His father died when he was three months old. Not sure if that attributed to his cruel behavior. He was a charmer to the public and cruel and sadistic to my mom. My goal when I grew up was "to kill" my dsd. He tried to kill her several times, and let me tell you, you never forget or forgive that. He was insanely jealous if anyone spoke to her. We never had any friends come into our house, we always had lots of friends that played in the yard. We never had a conversation about anything, it was his way or his way. As a child, we use to eat our supper before he got home, because he loved to belittle us and make us so upset, you didn't want to eat. One time a small puppy died under the house, and I was crying. He asked me why, I told him I loved the puppy, and he screamed at me that I couldn't love a thing, that I loved him (age 5). He was rejected by the service for WWII, and I am sure he had an illness, but he would never had addressed it, if there was a cure. My mother wasn't a saint, but close. Our relatives even stopped coming around, he made life a living he'll if he could for my mother, then buy her jewelry or flowers. I moved to Texas to get away from him. I wanted him to die all my live, so my mother would know peace. She finally did when she died, he followed three years later. I don't miss him, I miss my mom. So conclusion is, did I hate my dad, YES. So much so, that I never wanted children, because I never wanted to be like or treat them the way we were raised. Out of three children in the family, only my brother is a happy functioning person. My sister and I both are difficult or maybe we just stand up for ourselves.

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      LongTimeMother 15 months ago from Australia

      You're welcome, and thanks for your kind wishes. :) Wow, you are way too hard on yourself, my friend. I don't consider you to be narrow minded, or difficult. It perfectly natural to feel the way you do.

      Here's a few tips I'd like you to remember:

      1) You are allowed to be human! (Please don't scold yourself for being less than perfect.)

      2) We all strive for personal growth. (At least most of us do. Even when we're old, lol.)

      3) Every relationship is like a work in progress. Relationships change and evolve. Of course, some bloom and others fester ... but that's a whole new conversation.

      Please don't expect too much of yourself. None of us are born with the knowledge, experience and perspective that develops with age (in people who are open to it). It is absolutely understandable that you feel frustrated by your father's actions. I do hope you'll read my previous answer again and see I'm certainly not saying you are narrow minded or difficult. Those thoughts never crossed my mind!

      I'm hoping you can see that I wasn't saying you are wrong when you talk about hating your dad. My goal was simply to offer you food for thought that might help defuse some of that hate. Asking him questions might help you understand him a little better if he answers you honestly. And even if he doesn't answer you or actively engage in conversations with you, your questions might spark memories in him that help him understand where you're at in your life.

      My genuine hope is that he begins treating you with more respect. You are, after all, almost 19. You are a young adult. It would be great if he could see that and acknowledge it! There's no doubt in my mind you are very different to your father, as you mentioned in your first note to me. I can't imagine you would ever be as rude as he's been to you.

      Please keep working hard and pursuing your dreams. I'm excited about your future. You show maturity in your writing, and I'm greatly impressed by the fact you took the time to reach out and seek feedback and another opinion on how you're feeling. Every event in our lives changes us a little, and hopefully our brief interaction makes some small positive contribution to your life. Perhaps in years to come when you are a parent, you'll remember how frustrated you were as a teenager ... and make an effort to embrace your children in your life, so they don't feel the need to talk with someone like me.

      Take care. You're always welcome to give me an update on how things are going for you at any time. I'd love to hear from you again. :)

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      Guilt ridden 15 months ago

      Hey, thanks for such a quick response!

      Yes, I think you are right when you say I'm being narrow minded and difficult. That's a trait I do see in myself, ha. And feelings come and go, I suppose. I guess I've been selfish just thinking about my feelings only. Others do have their troubles too, so I should be more generous in this respect.

      Thanks again for your time and kindness! For your kindness and good efforts, may you reap the benefits in your life!

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      LongTimeMother 16 months ago from Australia

      So here's my answer to you, Guilt ridden. Firstly, let me say I think you are being too hard on yourself. There are many reasons why a person might justifiably feel guilt-ridden, but I don't believe you need to feel dreadfully guilty about having trouble coping with your relationship with your father. Do you hate your father? Maybe. But I suspect you're just a teenager with a difficult father. And, from his point of view, he probably thinks he's just a father with a difficult teenager.

      Life's like that. We tend to see things from our own perspective (which is natural), and struggle to understand what's going on in someone else's head. With time, you might discover you understand each other a little better and have conversations reflecting back on your teenage years.

      But, for now, you are living with what's happening in your home ... and I can understand that a father who throws your clothes away and ignores you when you try to communicate with him would be really annoying.

      I do wonder why he keeps saying you're 'so lucky'. Did he have a dreadful childhood? Does he talk to you about his childhood and teenage years?

      Perhaps you could try asking your dad questions occasionally. Maybe ask him what his first job was and what he did when he left school. Then ask him if that's what he wanted to do, or if he'd really wanted to do something else.

      Did he have dreams as a teenager? Did his life turn out the way he'd hoped?

      You might learn some interesting things that help you understand your father better. (That doesn't necessarily mean you'll like him, but it might help you hate him less.) Or perhaps he'll just ignore your questions or answer you in an unsatisfactory way .... but at least you'll have tried to communicate with him.

      You are absolutely right, my friend. Your father should be more gracious in his attitude towards you. (I believe all family members should treat each other with respect, but unfortunately that isn't the case with many families.)

      Good on you for being such a hard worker, by the way. Being successful in your studies will help you create a good, positive future for yourself. But don't be too quick to reject any financial help your father offers you. You still have to eat and pay your bills while you get set up!

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      Guilt ridden 16 months ago

      I don't know if I really hate my father, but I think it's safe to say that I dislike him and don't miss him when he's not around. When he's around he gets on my nerves so much, my irritation would turn to hatred until I could not speak to him at all.

      He's not abusive, a drunkard or any other things which are so common in such cases. I grew up with my mum's parents since I was little, because my mum would be busy working during the day and my father would be working in another state. As such,my father would only be back during the weekends.

      So to this day, I'm very close to my grandparents, and also my mum. Now, this closeness to my grandparents, is something that I'm very sure my father disliked or envied. Of course, he never talked about this out loud, but as always action speaks louder than words. Even as a small kid I noticed this dislike. Whenever I mentioned my grandparents, a frown would creep on his face. During meal times, he does not speak to my grandparents at all, but proceed to watch the TV all by himself, and seem to be in a hurry to leave the house. These little things gave me the impression he did not like my grandparents so some dislike of him crept into my heart as a child.

      But still, being young, I do not dwell on it. During the weekends, I would talk to him while he's reading novels, but he ignored me mostly, just giving me a glance at most. I did not know what to make of it. He seemed eager to separate me from my grandparents, but, after having his wish, do not really interact with me at all, instead just talking to my mum. This continued until my teenage years, when my perception of relationships is stronger.

      I noticed many things about my father that increased my dislike. For instance, I find him very pretentious, and I generally strongly dislike this trait. My peers were often shocked to find out that he is my father, for he and I are so different from each other. Also, he's condescending. I'm turning 19 soon, and he treats me as I know nothing. His opinions are always right, and mine unimportant. He often uses the phrase 'you're so lucky', and his tone while using it made my blood boil. While my parents do have the dough to afford an overseas education for me, I do pull my weight, I work very hard in my studies, just to secure scholarships. In fact, for my A Levels, I worked every day from morning to night. So, this remark is very unfair to me. If he feels such, I would rather not touch their money at all. Even now, I do not ask them to buy any gadgets for me. I cannot choose being born into this family, so why must he be so ungracious about it?

      He throws away my clothes at his whim and fancy, even today. This dislike now has turned to full blown hatred, and I've been guilt-ridden ever since. He does provide for me, and make an effort to see me every weekend, but I still don't like him. I'm confused by my strong reaction. Everybody has their faults, including me. I still love my mum, even though she is very controlling. So I'm not too sure why is it I hate my father so much. Am I too selfish and blinded by my hate? I seek an honest and unbiased opinion on this. I'm willing to accept that I'm wrong.

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      LongTimeMother 16 months ago from Australia

      Hello, kidfromIndia. There's nothing wrong with being a tomboy, and there's nothing wrong with being a girly-girl. You and your sister should both be loved and appreciated for being individuals. What a pity your father makes you feel he likes your sister more than you.

      I am pleased to hear you are not jealous of your sister. That is very wise. There is nothing to be gained from being jealous. You'll make your own way in the world, doing things your way. And she'll follow her own path. It shouldn't be a competition. You'll still be sisters. :)

      It sounds like you try to be a peace-maker between your mother and father, and I understand that. But your parents need to work out their own relationship, and their own issues. I don't think it is a good idea to put yourself in the middle of their arguments.

      Give them space. As difficult as that can be, we all need to appreciate that adults need to work out adult relationships. Yes, whatever they choose to do will influence the lives of their children, but they should be the ones who decide that. Don't you think?

      You are right to love all your family members, and I'm sure your mother will appreciate it if you occasionally mention to her that you love her family.

      To be honest, I am not sure why you looked at your dad's phone without permission. I don't have anything bad in my phone, but I still expect my children to ask me before they take my phone for any reason. Many adults have personal business in their phones and computers (like bank statements and other financial documents) that kids and teenagers have no business looking at.

      If you had not looked at his phone, you would not be worried about him having affairs. That's making your life even more complicated and difficult, and I can see you are in a difficult position. To tell anyone will require you to admit you sneaked a look at his phone. Taking your dad's phone was a mistake. I hope you don't look at his phone again.

      If you tell me how old you are, and give me a few more clues about your interests etc, I might be able to come up with a few ideas about how you can busy yourself during this difficult time.

      The main goal for you, I think, is to not let yourself feel too pressured by what is going on between your parents. Unfortunately, there's not much that kids can do to resolve problems between parents. You probably can't make things better. Just try not to make them worse.

      And, please, remember this. You know how you said that your dad has expectations that are impossible to reach? I don't want you having expectations of yourself that are impossible to reach either. Don't expect yourself to be able to stop your mother and father fighting.

      As much as you'd like to help your parents, I believe the person you need to be watching out for right now is yourself. You need to stay strong, and focus on creating a good future for yourself. So please don't get caught up in all the drama of this year. Keep looking to the future, and dream of the happy years to come.

      Today's problems will one day be 'the past', and your life will be much more peaceful and fun.

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      kidfromIndia 16 months ago

      Well, my father is not physically abusive. He just has high expectations which he very well knows is impossible to reach ( like getting 100 out of 100 in all the subjects including sports). Not only that but i am "blessed" with a really talented cousin sister who excels everywhere and is great at games. Dad sets MY limits according to HER limits, and they are impossible to reach. He is a bit of a control freak. Dad likes my sis a lot more than me cuz he always wanted a girly girl (my sister) and i am a tomboy. I am not jealous of my sister AT ALL.

      He and my mother fight A LOT. It's getting hard for me to support both of them since they have completely opposite views.Now he hardly ever speaks to us. Even when he speaks he always bad-mouths my mother's family and i don't know how to react. It's really hard for me to agree with him since i love all my family members.

      Once when he was not nearby, i took out his phone and looked through some of the pictures and videos. It was shocking to see that he has had affairs with THREE women.

      I can't tell anyone because no one believes me. I have not complained to my mother since she will go straight to father. PLEASE HELP.

    • LongTimeMother profile image
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      LongTimeMother 18 months ago from Australia

      Hi Autumn. I'm glad your friend's mother is supportive. Sometimes we need to 'borrow' another mother to listen to our troubles. It sounds like you are not alone, which is good.

      Gee, your dad was rude saying he had to make a quick stop and then surprising you with his girlfriend. Father's Day is a day you expect to spend with your father, so I understand how disappointing that must have been. I think he should have been pleased you were prepared to go to the movies with him. If that went well, then he could have suggested another movie night ... with his friend. But I agree with you, it is unfair to suddenly expect you to cope with that kind of surprise.

      And what a shame your relationship with a friend suffered when he started dating their mom. It seems to me your father is more concerned about himself than your feelings. Sadly, there are lots of parents who seem to forget they have a responsibility to help (and protect) their children ... but luckily, most kids manage to cope with disappointments and bad parenting and can still grow into responsible, loving adults (and parents) themselves.

      You're right, of course. You don't have the worst story (thank goodness!), but you and I both know this isn't a competition. A disappointing dad who just doesn't seem to understand his child, or his child's feelings, is still a bad father. So yes, you're one member of a very big 'club' of kids who wish they had a different father.

      And there's nothing wrong with that, Autumn. Don't feel terrible. I think you're just going to have to accept that your father will probably continue to disappoint you ... so maybe if you don't set your hopes too high, you won't feel too crushed the next time he does something stupid. (And I can see from reading your letter, that he's the kind of man who will keep doing stupid things.)

      I wonder if 'accepting' the fact he'll keep yelling and behaving badly might help you avoid anxiety attacks. I don't know for sure, and I'm just talking to you friend-to-friend. But I know for me when I was young, if I stopped worrying about things that 'might' go wrong, and just shrugged my shoulders and 'knew' that things 'would' go wrong, it was a lot less stressful. Sometimes I'd actually be pleasantly surprised when things didn't go as badly as they could have gone. (Does that make sense to you?)

      I'm greatly relieved that it sounds like he is not physically violent towards you. Although I do understand that emotional and verbal abuse is horrible too. Can you talk to your own mom about the problems you are having? Might she be some help to you? Or is there someone else you ask for ideas about how you might best avoid the problems you are having? Anyone at all who understands your father?

      Now, about your trip to Hawaii. I don't know how that's going to go for you. Do you think he might be on his best behaviour in front of his girlfriend? If he is trying to impress her with what a 'good father' he is (and that might be what he's hoping to do by bringing you along), you might find he doesn't yell at you at all. But of course, that might be expecting too much of him. What do you think?

      Has he told you anything about the trip? How long will it be? Where will you be staying? Does it sound like you might all be able to relax and chill out? Take some good books and anything else you can use to occupy yourself and hopefully avoid having to get caught up in difficult conversations. (Even if you have to take a couple of school books so you can look like a nerd / 'good child'.)

      I will log in and check for more messages from you, Autumn. Feel free to write to me any time you feel like it, and I will answer you as soon as I can.

      Take care!

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      Autumn 18 months ago

      Hi. I hate my dad. Plain and simple, but I don't hate him for no reason. I hate him because he emotionally abused and harassed me and also verbally abused me. He cheated on my mom repeatedly and made me keep the secret for more than a year. After my parents spilt up he started dating my friends mom. I got so pissed off at him. that relationship don't last long but it did weaken one of the friendships I cherished so much. Anyway, after that he found another woman and started dating her. The one memory that makes me literally shake with anger is Father's Day. I agreed to go to the movies with him for once cause it was Father's Day and I felt bad. Oh and he has a habit of making you feel terrible about yourself because of a smallest thing. That's why I went to the movies with him. So on the way to the movies he said that he needed to make a quick stop. Next thing I know he comes up to the car with this woman and says "this is ********" (I don't want to add her name). He didn't even tell before the movie that we were going to have an extra guest. WHAT THE HELL! Any way, he also yelled T me for closing my eyes because I was tired, and yelled at me for not answering a text message. I came into one of my friends house crying because of something he did. My friends mom saw that and now she hates him too. And now he is forcing me to go to Hawaii with him and his girlfriend. I didn't even get a choice. He repeatedly lies as well, and when I chat he him lying he starts yelling at me for being a terrible child. So yeah. It might not be the worst story or there but he is such a terrible person and I Have been feeing terrible because I hate him. But I'm going to get over it eventually. After all I found these two amazing people that helped me through it and are still helping me through it because it hasn't stopped. By the way, he is the reason I have anxiety attacks too

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      LongTimeMother 19 months ago from Australia

      I don't know what time is it where you live, Slater. If it is early where you are, might you have time to race out and mow the lawn after school today? If you can do that, you will get rid of the need to mow the lawn on the weekend.

      Can I ask what kind of church you attend? Is your father a church-goer as well? I'm puzzled by the fact he's threatened you with death before, and was so unsupportive of you when you expressed thoughts of suicide. Kids shouldn't have to be scared of their fathers.

      Does he go to church? Does he pray? Maybe there's some way of making him see what he's doing wrong if we can figure out a way to present the problems you are having with him in some kind of 'churchy' context. What do you think?

      I understand being forced to do schoolwork during vacation must feel really mean. It can't be fun being the only one of your friends doing schoolwork. (Although, I can see a couple of advantages for someone who is trying to avoid their control-freak dad. Can you escape to your bedroom, saying you're going for an extra bit of study time? lol.)

      If you can't get your dad to ease up and respect the arrangements you made for study this term, I do hope you will actually study hard - even though he is controlling when you study. Instead of wasting effort and energy being resentful about it, I suggest you just ace your exams so when you leave school you can get a good job or go to uni ... and leave your dad behind you.

      Here's a couple of other thoughts I have after reading your message:-

      - It is easy for people to tell you it is 'wrong' for you to hate your dad. But they haven't been in your position. Lots of kids hate their dads, but they grow to be happy adults with happy lives. Some of them eventually develop better relationships with their fathers. Some don't. Whether or not your dad gets smart and treats you differently in the future remains to be seen. But you should just plan your life - and get on with it. You honestly don't need to have a good relationship with your father to enjoy good relationships with other people in your life!

      - You wrote, 'the fact is I just hate him so much I want to run away or just die.' I do notice you're clever enough to comment that it might just be your teen phase. And, yes, it might just be your teen phase. Lots of kids go through this stage and survive it. (I did as a teenager, as did millions of other adults.)

      But you listen to me when I say this, Slater, because I mean it with all my heart. If you EVER honestly feel that you only have two options, run away or die ... you get running.

      Running away causes its own set of problems. But if you give it some thought and don't just run from trouble with your dad to other (maybe even worse) troubles, running away can actually be a solution to bad family problems.

      If your father beats you, and you can't think of any way to escape the problems in your home, then run away. You're 17. I'm sure you could cope.

      Running away is always a better option than killing yourself. Lots of runaways get their lives back on track. You can't do that when you're dead.

      So write to me again. Write to me any time. If you need some advice on running away, I'm happy to share my thoughts on that as well.

      I'll watch for more messages from you. Please wait for me to answer you. (I'm as quick as I can be, but I understand if you think I'm too slow. lol.) Take care.

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      LongTimeMother 19 months ago from Australia

      If your dad were to beat you after reading this message, he'd be a fool, Slater. He should be giving you a hug, and be working with you to try and make things right. But he'll probably never see this message, so I guess we'll never know.

      The examples you wrote about certainly do show your dad is a control freak. I'd like to be able to tell teenagers like you what to do to stop your dad from being a control freak ... but unfortunately it is not that simple. Some fathers just stay the way they are, despite the best efforts of their children.

      But here's the good news for you and every teenager. Despite who your father is or how he treats you now, you will soon have the power to change your relationship, and how you feel.

      You might be stuck with a control-freak father until you are old enough to move out of home, (and I really do understand how hard that can be), but there's some things you can do to make the wait less awful. I'll give you some ideas. :)

      I'm going to post this answer now, and write some more to you. I know you're checking in daily and I don't want you to think I'm not answering you!

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      LongTimeMother 19 months ago from Australia

      Slater, I have just seen your message. I will write to you now. Stand by. I won't be long. :)

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      Slater 19 months ago

      i am 17 years old and ive been told that it is wrong to hate my dad, but i do. everytime we try and resolve the problem the problem just comes back. i hate him because he is a control freak and he hurts me a lot. he would probably beat me if he read this message. now i need some advice on how to handle this situation because i believe that soon im going to be in a depressive suicidal state, if not already. infact once on mentioning suicide to my father he said "go ahead".

      the problem i have is that he forces me to do schoolwork in school vacation witch i think any teen can agree is a very horrible thing. and im too scared of confronting him about it because he has threatened me with death before. we also made pre arrangements that i would study the way i want to for this term and if it doesnt work out he fixes it. but he is already telling me what to do

      another thing is, we made arrangements to go see one of my friends over the weekend. but i have to mow the lawn as well. where i could mow the lawn on a sunday after church and still go see my friend, he wants me to cut the time with my friend and mow the lawn in between.

      there are other examples but the fact is i hate him so much i want to run away or just die. it might be my teen phase but i am sure that if you got the full picture youll understand.

      please please help me

      ill check in daily

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      LongTimeMother 19 months ago from Australia

      Chris, I'm not sure you should need to 'ask for more independence' at this stage in your life. When you were 14 or 15, yes. But I'm guessing you're moving into your young adult years. And, with being adult, independence is naturally yours. I believe you should be 'expecting' (not demanding) increasing independence. I believe you need to convince your father that it is perfectly normal and natural for you to venturing out more on your own, to places you choose, with people you choose.

      If you 'ask' him for 'permission', you are just feeding the monster. (An expression, as I'm sure you know. I'm not actually calling your father a monster. But I do consider his authoritarian/control element to be a bit of a monster.) You need to understand that you are not doing yourself any favors if you keep handing control over to him willingly. And that's what you do when you ask him to 'allow' you to do something that should actually be your 'right'.

      If there's an event you want to attend, I believe you should say something like, "I have a chance to attend (event) with a couple of friends, which is very exciting. Do you think you could give me a lift there, Dad, or should I ask someone to pick me up?"

      Now, let's talk about why I'm suggesting you say it to him like that. (So you can understand what you are trying to achieve, when you are actually having the conversation with him.) You'll need to be cool, calm and collected when talking with him. Don't let him get you rattled. I understand that the first time you try this, you might end up backing down if he makes it hard for you. But I want you to back down in a particular way! So let's talk about it ...

      I want you to say, "I have a chance to attend (event) ...". That is NOT the same thing as saying "I have been asked to attend ...".

      If you say you have been 'asked' to attend an event, he's likely to concentrate on just who it was who invited/asked you. He'll probably grill you about them, and their character. And may well toss stupid questions at you like, "Why does this person want you to go?" etc.

      If you say, "I have a chance to attend ..." it is less confronting, and is not yet set in stone. This will be very helpful for you, because you can always say, "I don't even know if it is on yet" or "Dad, I said it is just a chance. We haven't actually decided yet." This way, you can back off and pick the conversation up again at a later time (after he's had time to get used to the idea - or you've had time to collect your thoughts, and go back for another try.)

      I believe you should say "with a couple of friends" because that doesn't sound like you are going on a 'date' (with just one). And it doesn't sound like you'll be going in some kind of 'pack' with a bunch of people, some of whom might be trouble. So your dad shouldn't find that visual image (of you with a couple of friends) too intimidating.

      It is important to say "which is very exciting" so he can see that you're actually looking forward to it. He should be aware that you'll be disappointed if you don't get to go. And, if he does try to stop you from going, you can say "I told you I'm excited about it." Then ask him, "Do you not want me to have any fun?" (Most parents will say, "Of course I want you to have fun ..." or "I'm not saying I don't want you to have any fun.")

      Which then gives you an opportunity to remind him, "I'm not a kid any more, Dad. I'm a young adult, and you're going to have to get used to that. I need to start finding my feet so I can cope when I'm in that big world out there." (I'm expecting him to encourage you. Despite how he's been with you in the past!)

      And, most importantly, by asking him if he can 'give you a lift' there, you are showing him that you're not trying to hide anything. You're not trying to sneak off into the shadows. Heck, your dad could drive you there! (Maybe you might want to ask if 'you or mom' could drive you. If you'd rather catch a lift with her!)

      There's a reason for saying, "Do you think you could give me a lift there, Dad, or should I ask someone to pick me up?" You've probably figured it out already, but I'll say it anyway. If he says he'd rather you ask someone to pick you up, he's locked into that. He can't really change his mind later. If you arrange for a friend to come past your house, that's a done deal.

      Of course, you might decide to catch a bus (or perhaps you have a car, or your parents let you drive theirs), but I think it is good to get him used to the idea that you're old enough to have friends who drive ... and you're old to go out with them.

      Chris, you might decide to try this out on him with some event you're not really very interested in, just to see how it goes. (And so you won't be too disappointed if it doesn't work out. Choose an event he's likely to approve of, and you'll have a better chance!) Once you get him to accept this first outing, you should find it is relatively easy to build on that in the future.

      But please, promise me you won't get drunk, use drugs, or come home with a giant hickey on your neck!! And please get home at a reasonable time. (Sure, you might want to stay out a bit later than you dad would like. lol. But don't get home at 3 in the morning!)

      You need to show your dad that you're old enough to be doing what young men do, and responsible enough to stay out of trouble. Don't hand control of your life over to him.

      It is your life, Chris. Yes, your dad might find it hard to accept that you're maturing, but all parents have to accept their children become adults. You have to keep reminding your dad that your relationship is changing ... as all relationships do. :)

      And I'll be your friend, waiting to hear how you went!!

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      Christian 19 months ago

      Thanks, it helps knowing that someone at least understands that I don't just want to yell back at him or retaliate rather than peacefully settling the issue. It's very possible to have a conversation with him normally because he only really yells when something else is aggrevating him; this unfortunately happens often, but it's more about catching him at a good time. Speaking to him 'man to man' is hard, however, because any time I mention him directly (i.e. I think that you...) he gets super defensive and sees it as disrespectful. I think I should do it more methodically and slowly ask for more independence in certain areas of my life like letting me attend such and such an event or be part of such and such a group. The hardest part is coming to him about struggles I'm having without him thinking I'm making an excuse for doing poorly in school or other things.

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      LongTimeMother 19 months ago from Australia

      Six months can feel like a very long time. Particularly when you're a teenager. But somehow teenagers become oldies like me in the blink of an eye. The six months that stand between your life today and the life you're planning after you finish school will pass. It might feel like it is taking forever, but its not. You'll be finished school, and celebrating. That's for sure.

      Just exactly what path your life will take is an exciting mystery. Who knows who you'll fall in love with? (Who ever knows who they'll fall in love with?) Who knows who will break your heart? (Someone always breaks our hearts!) Who knows what twists and turns you'll face in your working life as you carve out a career? Where you'll visit in your lifetime? Where you'll live?

      The best thing about being your age, Chris, is being faced with limitless choices and opportunities. The worst thing, (as far I can tell), is being nervous and lacking confidence about having the ability to cope with whatever life you journey through.

      But, hey, it is absolutely normal to wonder if you're doing the right thing, or the wrong thing ... if you're making the right choice, or the wrong choice. And to wonder if you can cope with whatever choices you make.

      And just in case nobody has reminded you of this is the past, a mistake or a 'wrong turn' is not the end of the line. So don't be afraid to make the occasional mistake, or to change your mind. You can try something out and then decide you don't like it, so try something else. Students change their choice of degrees all the time. People start jobs, and then quit. Some people love living in a busy city; others hate it. But they don't really know unless they try.

      This is your life, Chris. So I encourage you to enjoy it. Don't let your father stand in the way of getting out and making friends, and having fun. Don't let him push you into anything you don't feel comfortable with, or don't want to do. He's had his time to be young, and his chance to make his own decisions.

      I don't anything about your father, but I suspect he's the kind of man who probably regrets not making his own life journey a little more exciting, or fulfilling. Sadly, that kind of person is generally hard to live with when they become a parent.

      You just have to use your clever brain to figure out how you can achieve your goals, and follow your dreams ... without letting your dad get in the way. Otherwise you'll end up yelling at him on the phone when he is old. And you don't want to do that. If you allow yourself to be yourself and you're happy with the decisions you make from here on, you won't ever be a man like your dad.

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      LongTimeMother 19 months ago from Australia

      I have some time to sit and write now. There's a few things for us to talk about, Chris, so let's get started.

      Is it ever possible for you to have proper conversations with your father? Without him yelling?

      I'm wondering if you'll get a chance to one day say to him, "I understand that you probably still view me as a little kid, dad. But I'm not. I'm about to enter the big wide world, and it is time I started making my own decisions about what I wear, and how I look." Do you think perhaps he just needs to be reminded that you're entering adult life?

      In an ideal world, you'll manage to shift the dynamics of your relationship without a major blow-up. Sometimes that's harder than it should be. You're in a better position to predict the likelihood of having this type of conversation with your dad.

      But I don't want you to assume that he'll just shut you down, because I've known many teenagers over the years who have been stunned to discover they just had to open their mouths and speak with their fathers (in a different way to how they always had) for their relationships to suddenly change.

      Another approach that might work for you is, "Dad, you've had my entire childhood to influence me and tell me what you think. But that has to stop now. I'm the one who has to live with any decisions about my adult life. So I'll be the one who makes them. I have listened and heard everything you've said over the years. But you have to let go and let me figure out what I want to do from now on."

      I'm happy to talk with you about how you think such a conversation might go, and for you to ask "But what will I say if he says ......?" I've had some lengthy conversations with teenagers in the past as they gained the confidence to approach their father 'man to man'.

      Because you live in a different part of the world to me, I don't know whether or not you'll be relying on your father to help with university fees. If you are, you obviously need to walk that fine line that allows you to continue receiving his financial help ~ without compromising your own personal integrity.

      In many ways it is easier to just 'put your foot down' and say 'Enough, dad.' But if you don't think that's an option, there are other approaches you could take.

      I'll post this message now, and begin another one with more food for thought. :)

    • LongTimeMother profile image
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      LongTimeMother 19 months ago from Australia

      Chris, I've deleted one of your recent comments. It was absolutely fine, but it concerns me that it mentioned your plans for the coming year. I don't have the option to edit comments here, but I can remove them. So I did.

      Why? Because I know there's every chance that by this time next year some special person might be googling to find out more about you. You'll have caught their eye and they'll be searching to find some hints about your interests. If they put your name and your courses and uni into a search engine, we don't want them ending up here. lol. That could spoil the mood.

      So, here's what you said. Without the identifying clues. (I'll write more to you in a bit.)

      "Thanks for the comment about my writing by the way, my teachers don't seem to agree lol. About the suicidal thoughts, I don't see myself doing it, I care too much about helping the world to do it. All I meant was that all of those expectations weighed down on me to the point that I couldn't ignore them anymore. If I was to be completely honest, SAD (seasonal affective disorder) seems to describe me better than depression because I'm always quite different in the summer, so I might want to look into that. It's just hard when my parents completely deny that there's anything wrong with me.

      I also still love my dad, I just also hate him. It's one of those things; he obviously cares about me and loves me but doesn't know how to support me in the ways that I need, and he lets his ignorance and opinions get in the way of himself. I'd love to just show that to him and see him change, because I really don't want to hate him. Also, please take your time on the response, I'm in no rush."