I Hate My Dad—Trouble at Home

Updated on June 9, 2018
LongTimeMother profile image

With her children's ages spanning 22 years, LongTimeMother has 40 years experience in parenting - including home schooling and foster care.

Why Would I Hate My Dad?

Irrespective of their age, a child or adult who associates hate with their father has a real problem. Whether that problem is abuse, abandonment, or some other issue, the child who hates their father deserves to be heard.

The ideal emotions associated with fathers include love and respect. When a child says "I hate my dad," something is definitely wrong.

Over the past 30 years, I have heard a lot of children explain why they hate their fathers. Here are some of the main reasons, and a few thoughts that might help.

Reasons Why a Child May Hate Their Dad

1. Physical, Mental, and/or Emotional Abuse

Some dads abuse their children. No wonder their kids hate them.

I find it hard to imagine that any woman would deliberately choose to have a child with a man who would subject any member of his family to physical, mental, or emotional abuse, but you just have to look at the statistics to see how common abusive relationships are.

When a child says "I hate my dad," it is important to establish if the child is a victim of abuse.

Instead of simply assuming that the seemingly pleasant man we meet in the street or see at work or at church is a good father, we owe it to every child to give them the chance to tell us what their father is really like.

Many children are victims of abuse. Because they do not have the power, knowledge, or ability to resolve an abusive relationship, they require intervention to help resolve the conflict.

If you become aware of a child subjected to abuse or have reason to suspect a child is a victim in their own home, please arrange for intervention.

2. My Dad Makes My Mother Cry

When children see their mother crying, it can be instinct to hate whoever or whatever causes her grief.

You'll hear a child whose mother has cancer say, "I hate cancer." After watching their mother's repeated frustration with an unreliable car, a child will commonly say I hate our car."

Similarly, a child who witnesses their mother's distress during arguments or issues associated with their father is likely to announce that they hate their father.

When parents constantly argue and cannot get along, staying together for the sake of the children can be a mistake. If both parents cannot be happy, pleasant, or at the very least polite and civil to each other, the emotional outbursts in the child's home are likely to generate emotional responses in the child.

Hatred can be one of those emotions.

A father expressing frustration can be frightening for a child.
A father expressing frustration can be frightening for a child.

3. My Dad Is a Control Freak

Many fathers are genuinely surprised to discover their children hate them.

They worked hard to pay the bills, bought the essentials, provided gifts, and paid tuition, and yet, after all their effort and willing contributions, their child as a teenager or young adult announces, "I hate you!"

If you deny your son or daughter the space and freedom to explore, experience, and develop their own individuality in their early years, be prepared for trouble as they mature. Nobody likes a control freak.

Every individual needs a certain amount of space for personal growth. If you try to control every aspect of life, there's no room for a child to develop and discover who they are and what they are capable of.

Sooner or later, they will demand the freedom to be themselves. If they resent the restrictions you placed on them year after year—refusing to allow them to make their own decisions, pursue their interests, and have the power to reject the sports or school subjects they had no interest in but you insisted they pursue—don't be surprised if they hate you.

4. Constant Criticism vs. Supportive Advice

If your expectations are set too high for your child, you are setting your relationship up to fail. Don't confuse constant criticism with supportive advice.

It should be mandatory for parents to regularly tell their children:

  • "Well done"
  • "Good job"
  • "I'm proud of you!"

Every parent needs to learn to bite their tongue and resist the urge to always add "but..."

Over the past 30 years, I have attempted many times to explain to friends of my children that their father doesn't mean to be critical. On every occasion, I have had no option but to agree that the many examples they offer of 'fatherly advice' appear more critical than supportive.

I always point out that it seems inappropriate to hate a father who is trying to do his best, and that there are many other fathers who are more guilty of bad parenting. However, I can't rewrite history, and these kids have had many years of believing they hate their dads.

5. My Dad Makes Me Feel Guilty

Parents can often unwittingly place a child in a difficult position. For example, a child discovers their father is having an affair. This is a surprisingly common problem for teenagers. Do they tell their mother?

  • They feel guilty if they don't tell her. Mom's doting on Dad and clearly loves him, but he's cheating on her. She's keeping his dinner warm and making things nice for when he gets home, but all the while the child knows he is with another woman.
  • They feel guilty if they do tell her because all the tears and heartache somehow seems to be their fault.
  • Or they feel guilty because they didn't tell her when dad eventually leaves her years later, wishing they'd given her a chance to find a new partner when she was still young.
  • They feel responsible for the separation when the mother leaves the cheating father.

Either way, a child who suffers the pressure of keeping a secret about their father's affair or the trauma associated with revealing such a secret is likely to end up hating their dad.

A child's self-esteem can be directly linked to how they believe their father perceives them.
A child's self-esteem can be directly linked to how they believe their father perceives them.

6. Hating My Dad Is My Mom's Fault

If you are the mother of a child who rarely sees their dad, make every effort to keep dad alive and well in your child's heart. Their self-esteem can be directly linked to how they believe their dad views them, and a teenager with low self-esteem is more likely to get into trouble.

When negotiating a separation, insist their father send birthday and Christmas cards every year. Also, make sure they agree to accept any phone calls from your child and to always be loving and supportive.

Perhaps the most difficult issue to address is the knowledge that a child's father was violent, irrespective of the circumstances. Somehow the child must be helped to know any trouble was not their fault. Their dad, after all, was the grown up. He should have been able to control himself and make better decisions to protect their relationship.

Encourage your friends and family to resist the urge to speak badly about the child's father in front of them. Of course, it is important to answer their questions honestly, but don't be brutal when dealing with a child's feelings.

Be gentle and thoughtful in your response to a child who genuinely hates their father with good reason.

Sometimes you might just have to admit "It's okay to hate your dad. I'm sorry he wasn't a better dad to you because you deserved the best!"

7. Abandonment

When parents separate, there is no excuse for a child to feel abandoned. If you were actively involved in the child's conception, you have a responsibility to show an active interest in the child's development.

Fathers who are guilty of ignoring their children generally pay the price when the child grows older. Instead of having the company and support of their adult child in later years, it is Dad's turn to be ignored.

Mothers who stand in the way of a child having a healthy relationship with their dad simply because the adults have argued and are hurting are equally guilty of causing abandonment issues for the child.

Children need to feel loved and valued. I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give a child is to speak highly of their father—even if it is difficult to think of nice things to say. Mothers should encourage positive sentiments regarding a child's father, regardless of the parents' relationship status and level of friendliness.

"I'll bet your dad would be proud of you if he could see you today" is a wonderful gesture to a young child whose father lives far away. By hearing reference to their dad in positive conversations during their early years, a child can grow up feeling as though their father is interested in them even if they are not present or actively involved.

Of course, a phone call from dad or the chance to phone him after special events is even more helpful. When parents separate, they shouldn't "divorce" their child.

Don't Shut the Child Down

My first response to anyone who says “I hate my dad” is to ask the question “Why?”

It is wrong for us to assume that we know more about the situation than the speaker. Too often, a child who claims to hate their father is silenced quickly without anyone bothering to ask why.

Generally, someone interjects with, “No, you don't.”

Often it is the child's mother, trying to smooth ruffled feathers and prevent further conflict.

Bad Dad Compared to Other Fathers

Any father can give the impression they don't love or care about their child when:

  • other dads attend sporting events to watch their children play, but you don't
  • other dads spend time going fishing or playing ball with their kids, but you don't
  • other dads talk and laugh with their children, but you don't
  • other dads tell their kids they love them, but you don't
  • other dads seem like "real" dads, but you don't

If you don't express your love for your child both verbally and demonstrably, don't be surprised if they don't express love for you either.

If your child thinks, rightly or wrongly, that you hate them, there is every possibility they will mirror that emotion and hate you right back.

If you hate your dad ...

What is the main reason you hate your dad (or simply don't love him as you feel you should)?

See results

How to Be a Good Father

A Hated Dad Has to Redeem Himself

Cross your fingers and hope that your child grows into an adult who can see and respect your efforts to do the right thing. If your child hates you now but you honestly believe you don't deserve it, keep trying to reach out. One day they'll have a lot of questions, and you'll want to have the right answers.

  • If you are getting a divorce, address the specific ways you want to be involved with your child as part of the divorce settlement—and stick to the agreement.
  • If you're having an affair, admit it to your wife. Then tell your child you are to blame, and they have no reason to feel as though the divorce was their fault.
  • Send birthday cards and gifts even if you know your ex-wife won't pass them on. When they are older you'll want to be able to look your child in the eye and say, "I sent you a card and a present every year. I'm sorry if your mother didn't give them to you."

Let your grown child decide how they feel about you once they have the facts. But until then, don't blame them if they don't know what's really going on. You can't blame a child if they hate you. You have to earn their respect and deserve their love.

Planning structured activities is an excellent way to be a great dad.
Planning structured activities is an excellent way to be a great dad.

How to Be a Better Dad

If you want to be a better dad to your kids than you've been before, identify where you have been going wrong and take steps to change it—ask your children and listen to what they have to say.

Spend Quality Time with Your Kids

One of the most obvious areas for improvement for many fathers is the amount of quality time you spend with your child. First, you have to get your head around what quality time actually means.

Kids who hate their dads may have had a father who spent a great deal of time at home—but how much time did he actually spend paying attention to the child? Watching the television or entertaining your adult friends don't count just because your child was in the room.

Fathers who have to force themselves to set specific times aside when their child becomes the center of their universe (instead of genuinely being pleased their son or daughter wants to spend time with them) ask, "How do you do that?"

It is not so difficult, particularly if you have the right attitude. The hardest part might be turning your phone off, but phone calls are interruptions and should be avoided.

  • Read a book aloud from beginning to end.
  • Play a board game.
  • Play outdoors until a pre-designated time.
  • Set a task and complete it together.
  • Have fun together until their favourite TV show begins.
  • Go fishing until it is time to go home for lunch.
  • Play Paper, Rock, Scissors until the school bus arrives.
  • Dance like crazy people until it is time for you to go to work... and then dance out the door and out to the car. Kids love stuff like that.

The most important element of any of these suggestions is the natural completion point. Have you ever noticed how many fathers spend too much time trying to bring activities to an end? Then, because it is such a hassle, they don't bother starting another activity in the future.

Get Involved in Your Children's Lives

If you are a father who has disappointed your children too many times for them to even bother asking or expecting you to spend time with them, you are in serious trouble. Before you know it, your sons and daughters will be fully grown and they will probably leave you out of their lives, just as you are ignoring them now.

Reach out to your children and make a serious effort to be a better dad.

  • Suggest a game or activity (with a natural completion point) and make sure you both enjoy the experience.
  • Get to know each other.
  • Ask each child about their friends, school, and sporting activities.
  • Tell them about your childhood, and share jokes and fun stories.
  • Smile. Laugh. Play.
  • And don't forget to listen.

You should know the names of each child's best friends, what sports they play, which days they play them, the teachers and subjects they like most at school, any problems they have, and any challenges they face.

A good dad knows all about their kids' lives and gets involved in them.

If you haven't attended at least a few games each sport season, arrived early enough to watch your kids in their dance or karate class, and offered to take each child and a friend for a movie or a meal a few times in the past year, you'd better start doing those things now.

When Children Become Adults

I believe it is important to remind every child that the time will come when they can leave home and live without the fear of what mood their father will be in when he comes home at night.

Anyone who is able to endure their childhood years will have a chance at making a fresh start and deciding just where their father will fit in their future lives. Kids grow up.

If you want your kids to love you, not hate you, you need to make the kind of memories they'll remember fondly as they look back on their childhood. Spend time with your kids and enjoy each other's company.

Unless, of course, you know you can't be trusted near your children and they have good reason to hate you. In which case... stay away.

Questions & Answers

© 2013 LongTimeMother

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    • profile image

      cluwy 

      5 days ago

      I hate him I have this burning hate for him he treats me like dirt calls me names like satanic how do you call your child that and of all he has his favorite I'm just like an outsider I feel like I don't belong at all I hate him and that will never ever change I'm mentally traumatized I see other dads with their children and wonder if it was me how was I going to feel like I sleep on a pillow soaked with tears everyday I cry myself to sleep sometimes I feel like God is far away from me I hate him

    • profile image

      Dongo 

      2 weeks ago

      My dad emotionally abused me for as long as I can remember. When I was little (5-7) I would call my mom when I was upset, which was usually because he was being a dick from screaming at me. After he caught on to this he ran around and took all the home phones so I was stuck crying in my room while he would curse me silently from the other room. He would curse at me and mirror shitty behavior constantly and is a constant source of stress in my house. This other time he just left my mom at an abandoned gas station, then drove home. There was a drive-by shooting at that spot literally the next day. I fucking hate him.

    • profile image

      Leon Gids 

      2 weeks ago

      My father always beat me when i did some mistakes.If i does not get A Grade in school,he shout on me and beat me.

      I hate this.When i was age 8 and i got Grade C in school ,i was so scary to go home.

      I hate my dad because he dont give respect to my mom.I have so many reasons why i hate my dad . I always want a good family :(

    • profile image

      Areej 

      3 weeks ago

      why fathers expect that we remain good with them through out our lifes and take care of them when they're old, when they ignored us completely during our childhood for work, always beated us in anger, acted like we didn't exist, always imposed their decision thinking on us, acting like a control freak, then why should we respect and love them?????

      I absolutely don't want to live with my father who has done all this to me, I would move out after i completing my education, money can buy everything but not love/daughter/son..... that's a thing that every man should know before becoming a father, that he has got to devote his love and time to his child, if won't then don't expect them to be good.... they are not slaves

    • profile image

      Alishba 

      3 weeks ago

      I’m a teenager and I beated from my father only for simple things for example I am detained for not completing my class work my father not came to pick me from school I called my mother on teacher phone and said who will pick me she said that dad is very angry with me I tell her ok I will come by myself she said no dad will come ... after 5 min dad camed angrily and I was scared of my dad then he said that why you detained I want to talk with your teacher I said she is goned ok I sit on bike and go home when I reached he said loudly why you detained today I said because my work is not completed then he say why and started beating me then I started crying then he said I don’t scared that you are crying then I literally thought that I m leaving home but I scratched my hand I don’t want to leave home at that time because at that time he can easily see me that where am I . I don’t want to see my father

    • profile image

      Shaydie 

      3 weeks ago

      I hate it when father's abuse there children it is not ok and I will not except that in my house

    • profile image

      Haindhdhf 

      4 weeks ago

      So....... My dad verbally abuses me all the time, it's like every time he opens his life he makes me cry. Its because of my attitude and tone problems. Please give me advice.....

    • profile image

      Anon 

      4 weeks ago

      I'm a kid from an early divorce, back when I was three years old. From there, I've gotten two stepmoms, one which was my mom's but is no longer, and one from my dad. At first when we lived together, everything was fine. The parenting for my dad and his wife was always, "I'll deal with disciplining my kids and you discipline yours." It worked well, but as I am finally the remaining child, the last of seven, I just get so much more, well, "attention" then I'd like. Most of these feelings of hatred, for both parents at home, really, began to really show their colors the first time when I tried to talk to them about being depressed but was told that I was just in an attention-seeking phase and that I didn't actually have depression at all. I received no support until I had a breakdown in the car, because I missed the bus, and admitted to having suicidal thoughts and everything else. After I was in the hospital and returned, things were okay, but now we get down to the second problem that made me hate my dad. One of my siblings off of my stepmom's side was stealing my underwear and following me room to room when we were home alone, and he was just looking at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. Once I woke up on the couch and found him lifting up my shirt so he could look at my breasts. I just kept feeling more and more insecure and anxious about him, and I mentioned it to my dad and all he told me was that he was Lynn's responsibility and that if he tried to do anything to me, I could hurt him. But nothing was ever done to stop or discipline him and when I asked Lynn, all I was told was that she couldn't control him. And when my discomfort with my step-brother acting like he was and saying things to me came out in the form of me snapping or acting rude to him, I was yelled at and I felt like I couldn't stand up for myself until he actually tried to rape me or touch me. Once again, I also became depressed and I tried to mention it, but was told not to talk to a doctor because if I mention how I was feeling, they were going to send me back to the hospital. It eventually got to the point where I almost committed suicide and my dad yelled at me about being ungrateful and a bitch and a huge brat and I eventually went to the hospital and told them not to tell my dad because I was afraid of him getting angry at me. Now we're here and my main problems with my dad is that my stepmom now runs the house, and no matter what she calls me or says to me, he's always on her side about everything. He doesn't care about me and doesn't care what she says and it hurts my feelings to know that he doesn't care enough about me to protect me or at least try to understand how I feel. And I can't talk to him about my depression or anxiety because every time I do, he just yells at me about how I'm just acting like I am and how I'm, again, ungrateful for the food and home he provides for me. I just feel like he hates me, and he's somewhat engaging in and letting my stepmom verbally and emotionally abuse me, and I hate it so much and I hate him too, and I honestly want to cut him out of my life as soon as I get out of high school.

    • profile image

      Not saying 

      4 weeks ago

      He use to hit Mum but hasn’t hit her in a while but still argue like every day feel like I can’t do anything he doesn’t let me do anything and it’s summer controls everyone in the house and scares my wee bro

    • profile image

      dino 

      4 weeks ago

      my dad is very angry and shouted like an volcano.

    • profile image

      mago 

      4 weeks ago

      my father never talk in a normal way he compare me with other he abuse me when I was young till I reach 15 never let me study what I want in the university till me all u make bad im hurt and I cant forget what he said or what he done he will insult me in puplic infront of everyone never helped me in anything he the worst dad of all time and that's why I hate him

    • profile image

      AAmicah 

      5 weeks ago

      I really don't know what to do. But, I need to talk about something that I feel is wrong with my dad.

    • profile image

      A.A 

      5 weeks ago

      My father is worse than any other dads. He have been drinking for 15 years and he even make trouble in our house. He punches and he even punched my mum in both her eyes and she had a bruise in both eye but now it's better. He tries to take a knife and kill us and would talk about how he wants us dead and he is so violent. He would complain when the internet is slow and would blame hs children and he said if he sees us using internet, he would beat us to death and he brage and swears so uch that even my 2 year old brother is now saying the f word. My dad even make trouble at night and it's hard for us to sleep. He haven't work or earned money for his family and he is so embarrassing in front of people. He's eyes gets red and it's not even like he cried it's because he drank alchohol and he have made all 4 of his children cry. He said he doesn't care about us and he said just die and he uses really bad words. He would pull my mum's hair and try to punch her and he have even try to punch my sis and me. He didn't get me coz I dodge but my sis and my mum didn't. He is so rude and would blame everything on my mum and he would be like play my laptop to my brother who's 10now and afyer he would complain about the virusand all that. He is unbelievably rude and careless. Sometimes he's fine but he drinks so much and would make trouble infront of our cousins who are still very young. Once he wanted money to buy alchohol so he brang 2 big knifes with him so my mum would give the money to him. My cousins were there and I felt bad for them. He is always yelling so loud whenever and te worst part is he did Karate so he knows how to fight and he could do really bad damages. But I'm not scared of him and would just stand there when he trys to punch me. Ge have made me cry 5 times and even when I cry, he still tries 2 hit me. He is very rude and he loves the internet and alchohol more than hs family and he won't live any longer. He makes exuses to drink and he litterly wont ever stop. I dont careif he dies and I just hope he's not alive or in my sight on my birthday. I hate him!

    • profile image

      Jr 

      5 weeks ago

      I hated my dad he always judge me when I do something

    • profile image

      A crippled guy 

      6 weeks ago

      I’m 16 now, and my father is a control freak. His way of teaching me is supposedly good for me. He mostly talks about his mistakes in the past and fix them now. He often tells me to work hard now, for the family. I don’t see a major fucking point as to how I can work hard. IM 16!!! I will have and will learn responsibilities in the future. He blocks my ability’s to hang out with my friendship, saying it’s a waste of time. Now, I know there’s are bad guys in the world, but the world itself is constantly changing, evolving. He blocks my own time, and rather make me hang out with him. I want to train my social contacts with my friends, but it’s making me look and sound stupid. I can’t even say anything to my friends cuz I nearly failed my way of socialising, in which I WAS good at, till he just HAD ato block my ability to socialise.

    • profile image

      Silent no more 

      6 weeks ago

      A cheating, lying father should not be forgiven. He has a duty to his child(ren). Bear and accept your responsibilities. Children are gifts from God. You are a weak cheating lying narc bastard. Go away and stop afflicting more pain.

    • profile image

      Amrosed 

      6 weeks ago

      My dad emotionally and mentally abuses me, when I have mood swings, imapologise after come in and then he says something about me which forces me to run out crying and when I say sorry again he says he doesnt want to talk to me.

    • profile image

      Nat 

      8 weeks ago

      I am an adult and my father has been verbally abusive all of my life. Example - tonight: My mom and I were talking and he rudely talked over us to scold my mom for putting the coffee pot in the dishpan. I pointed out that he interrupted us and our conversation. He tells me that he doesn't care. He's a horrible horrible man. This is just one example.

    • profile image

      Yep 

      8 weeks ago

      I'm in my 30's and my dad still tries to mess my life up in any way possible. He's just a real jerkoff. Everything he says to me is negative. I'm never good enough unless I do exactly what he wants. Then he'll throw money at me like it's supposed to buy respect. He makes sure everyone knows about it too. He's a sociopath. His oppressive attitude has destroyed my ability to have normal relationships and he has my whole family tricked into thinking he's a great guy. Scumbag.

      I'm not going to his funeral.

    • profile image

      8 weeks ago

      My dad roams out with a girl and he lies to me and my mom that he is at work. He replaces my quality time with that girl. I'm 12 and i dont know if this is normal or is it something to worry about. He also yells at me whenever he is tensed or angry and somrething else. He comes late from work. If that girl asks for money he just gives the money. But if i ask him something like a shoe or a good vacation the first reply is that we don't have enough money. He and that girl roam to beaches, hotels etc. What should i exactly do at this point?? I am not sure. Can someone help me?

    • profile image

      Japjeet 

      2 months ago

      My dad is always fighting with my mom and I know that he is wrong and he never shows me or my little brother any love he always tells us to stop annoying him he doesn’t show respect to anyone he is an alcoholic he drinks a lot and gets out of control soo I hate my dad

    • profile image

      nobody special :/ 

      2 months ago

      My mom use to beat my mom up. And tried to make her life miserable I use to see my dad beating my mom up till the age I think 7 years have past and now I am 10 my father tries to use me as an spy and uses me to get what he wants he use to hit me also (it's my culture where I come from parents hit their chilldren ) but it was with an wire though I don't wanna share too much personal information so I will leave it from there

    • profile image

      Eli 

      2 months ago

      My dad cheated on my mom. Period.

    • profile image

      Harvey 

      2 months ago

      My dad is very strict, When we’re eating dinner and I’m full, he would always tell me to eat more. Once I almost threw up, he also yells and shouts at me when I make the smallest mistakes, and I’d cry silently in my room.

    • profile image

      ANIVESHA TIWARI 

      2 months ago

      can't say anything about him but he would be the worst man i ever met in my life..hope i would not have dad rather then the person like him so.pls god give the best parents to the children because they are the whole world for a small kid .

    • profile image

      Anonymous 

      2 months ago

      I just wanted to say that my mom died,and afterwards, my dad started yelling at me even more and I have had to cry in silence in my room and completely clear my face of any sign that I was crying,just so that he won’t ask if I’m ok. I have been hoping that I can’t make myself feel better by: playing games,trying to make jokes, and looking at things like memes. I don’t want to tell my dad about how I cut myself,or how he makes my depression worse by yelling at me,because it would make him feel guilty,and I don’t want to be responsible for my dad regretting so many things. I hope that nobody minds me posting this,or how I said I don’t want to be responsible for it,and I would also like to say thank you for reading until here.

    • profile image

      Roy 

      2 months ago

      My dad always tells me to go out when i’ve been excersising the whole week and doesn’t even let me have a snack anytime, even though i’m kind skinny, he keeps telling me to go out everyday even on the days we go to the mall and such.

    • profile image

      Britney 

      2 months ago

      Thank you so much draith for making (we have kids ) it has helped me a lot thx!!!!!

    • profile image

      sana (not my real name) 

      2 months ago

      can you please reply to my comment...i think you missed it .. i have been waiting for your support..

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      2 months ago from Australia

      Draith, I suggest you start motivating yourself with the goal to leave your father behind you. Don’t do anything to please him ... do everything to create a new life and better circumstances for yourself.

      Good grades, good jobs, good friends and an independent life away from your father should be your goals. As you start enjoying life and your successes, you’ll become more motivated.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      2 months ago from Australia

      I’m sorry your father treats your family so badly, Anonym. The rest of you will have to stick together and support each other emotionally. Please don’t let your father drive a wedge between you and your other family members.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      2 months ago from Australia

      One good thing that will come from all this hard work. Rahul, is you will be well primed to perform well in the workplace when you’re older. Compared to kids who grow up being lazy,you’re going to shine.

      However I do understand your frustration. Perhaps you could ask your father how old your younger brother has to be before he starts sharing the workload so you can have some time to relax. If you had tasks at your brother’s age, remind your dad of that.

      Is it wrong that you feel like you hate your dad? Well, to be honest, I think you’re just frustrated by him at this stage in your life. I doubt you’ll always hate him. As you get older you’ll hear some real horror stories about other dads .... and you might decide your dad, while expecting you to work hard, probably wasn’t too bad after all.

      I might be wrong, but I very much doubt you’ll hate him forever.

    • profile image

      Draith 

      2 months ago

      Critical, hypocritical and formerly physical abusive, but that doesn't negate the fact it happened at a tender age of 10 being thrown into a fully metallic table headfirst.

      And as far as my lacking research in psychology went, it seems to be also the same reason why I've developed more to be anti-social and completely unmotivated.

    • profile image

      Anonym 

      2 months ago

      i hate my Dad...i don't know how to start!!! He does not only make my mom crying but also he makes our family suffering!!! he is chronic of alcohol, he is verbally abusive!!! he makes the shame to the family outside at the extent can't even greet him on the way going!!! he never cares about us though he paid school fees but i never known his Love!! he buys basic needs to outside houses while i am in need of it...he calls us snakes from our Mother who is one, he says!!!!! he calls mum a whore, he points my brother to not be his biological son!! to describe him i can make a whole year explaining the pain he causes to our family!! he godamned..etc...

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      Rahul 

      2 months ago

      My dad always makes me do work ALL THE TIME. He does a traveling job and isn't home on the weekdays and when he's home on the weekends he makes me do so much work and gives me no freedom. For my younger brother, it's a different story and he has the freedom to do what he likes. I already have good grades and I have lots of homework on the weekdays and when my dad comes home I have no time to relax. He pays all the bills and does things what I like but I still hate him. Is this wrong?

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      Celia 

      2 months ago

      My dad is verbally abusive but I believe it is due to his severe bipolar disorder, not that that excuses his actions because he screams so furiously he basically speaks in tongues. He also compares me to my childhood friend who has always had good grades and always, without fail, undermines all of my academic achievements.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      2 months ago from Australia

      Yonci, I’m sorry your father beats you. Please ask a trusted adult friend to help you. Do you have relatives you can turn to? Perhaps grandparents? If your father can’t behave properly and stop beating you, might there be other relatives you could live with?

      There’s lots of people in the world who are willing to help kids with troubles. You won’t know if your friends or family willl help you unless you ask. So please tell those around you what’s going on ... and ask them for help.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      2 months ago from Australia

      I think I get what you mean when you say 'I'd rather not' and I want to assure you, you definitely shouldn't. Don't harm yourself because that's never a good solution to a problem.

      You say you want to kill yourself, but that's not true. All you really want is for your father to stop humiliating you and making you feel bad. There's a lot of different ways you can address the issue of your dad being a disappointing father and we'll talk about them in a moment.

      First let's talk about the concept of suicide though, because it is something I've discussed with a lot of people over the years. I want to share a few thoughts with you.

      Nobody actually knows what happens when we die. Different religions say different things. Some people think if they kill themselves they'll go to some kind of 'heaven' and everything will be great. Others think if they suicide they'll go to some kind of 'purgatory' and get stuck there. Others reckon that suicide takes a person straight to 'hell'. And I've heard some say they believe everything will just end and they won't have any problems any more.

      I'm not sure what you think will happen if you kill yourself, but one thing you should definitely know is that it will create a whole lot of different (and much worse) problems for other people in your life. Think of your mother and how she'd feel. Think of your friends at school. You'd really mess up all their lives because they'd blame themselves for not spotting the problem and stepping up to help you.

      I don't believe you'd want to do that to people who love you, would you? Even if your dad continues being a crappy father and making you feel miserable, it would only be until you're an adult and old enough to leave home and exclude him from your life.

      As an adult, you'll have unlimited chances to have fun and success and feel happy all day every day. You'll leave your unhappy childhood behind you.

      Unfortunately you'd deny your mother and your friends that same sense of fun and freedom. They'd be stuck with the sadness of your passing every year of their lives, and I'm sure you can see that's selfish. So for the sake of those who do love you, I'm trusting you to be a bit more resilient when it comes to problems with your father.

      Besides, I don't know what really happens when we die ... and neither do you. I don't believe you can be certain everything would be 'great' for eternity if you opt out of life. So please, let's agree that's a bad idea.

      Now let's look for solutions to the real problem, shall we? The real problem is your dad humiliating you and how bad you feel when your dad says what he does.

      I'm going to tell you what I want you to do. And I don't want you make any kind of excuses about not being confident enough or anything like that. Let's face it, you risk having your mother and your friends angry at you forever with your other idea ... so it makes much more sense to follow my instructions.

      I want you to sit at a table with your mother and father. Make sure you can all see each other. And then I want you to say ...

      'I have something really important to tell you. I've been so unhappy I've been thinking of killing myself. I know that would be really unfair on you so I'm asking you for help. I need you to listen to my problems and take me seriously, because I'm in a really bad place right now. And if you can't help me, would you please get me a counselor.'

      Then explain how you can't cope with the things your father says. You need him stop. Say you understand he probably doesn't understand what kind of effect it has on you, but after so many years you're finding you just can't cope any more.

      I also want you to try and get a counselor who can help you become more resilient. You need to learn how to bounce back more effectively from disappointment.

      I honestly believe your father will try to change his behavior and be more willing to meet your emotional needs. Of course we both know he's only human and may mess up every now and then, but you have to give him a chance to try.

      I'll always have time to listen to you if you want to write to me again. I'm more than happy to help carry you through the difficult times ... so stay in touch.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      2 months ago from Australia

      Stacy, your dad shouldn't be hitting you. Nobody should. Please don't ever accept that as 'normal' and don't ever get involved with a partner who treats you badly like that. You deserve to be treated with respect.

      I want to gently remind you that your friend was a witness to your father's abuse. That means your friend could support your story if you choose to report your father to the authorities. I like to think you have some trustworthy adult in your life who can advise you and help you make a complaint about your father so he doesn't hurt you again.

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      Yoncl 

      2 months ago

      I don't know what to say! My papa always beat me. I need help. Cant take it anymore

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      I’d Rather Not... 

      2 months ago

      My dad is annoying and doesn’t care about how I feel. He puts me in school groups I feel uncomfortable in. If I have a bad grade he tells it to everyone and it makes me mad. He always yells at me when I mess something up. I feel better at school around my friends and it feels like a safe place. My mom is not harsh but does try to encourage me but my dad brags about me failing in a class and I want to kill myself. He never lets me have alone time and asks ridiculous things. Can someone please help me? I am scared he will say something and it will be too late...

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      Stacy Chavez 03 

      2 months ago

      I hate my dad and the way he is. I have so many reasons but I don’t know how to talk about those reasons. I can never word them right. About 6 months ago, I did something to myself and was sent to the hospital. My dad was there but not with me, he was outside of the room I was in. He was cracking jokes and flirting with the nurses outside. I didn’t like him anyways but it still hurt at that moment when he didn’t comfort me. I honestly didn’t want him to comfort me to begin with because I don’t like him. He hasn’t hit me since that day but just the way he is still makes me hate him. Whenever it’s that time of month for me, I have a hard time controlling my feelings and I end up giving him attitude. I don’t bother telling him I’m on it anymore because even if I did, he wouldn’t change himself. The best way I can explain one of my reasons is that he would humiliate me in public or in front of my friends. A month before I was hospitalized, I brought one of my guy friends over to my house which is gay so I didn’t think my dad would get mad. I was feeling down that day so that’s why he came over to my house. But Before my dad got home, I asked him if he could give my friend a ride home. I can’t remember what he texted back but I know it wasn’t anything scary because I don’t remember panicking when he responded back. A couple minutes later I hear him pull up the driveway and so my friend and I came outside. I was getting ready to introduce him to my dad And before I could say anything, my dad spoke. He said somewhere along the lines of “I know you didn’t know so this Isn’t you’re fault..” he didn’t say this to me, he said that to my friend. Calmly he told me to go inside the house. Then he followed me in after. When he closed the door, he hit my face and told me that I’m not allowed to bring people in my houseboat without his permission. Then he kept on hitting me. He only closed the screen door so my friend heard the whole thing. The next day at school, I felt so uncomfortable around by him because I was embarrassed. There’s so many more reasons why I hate my dad but this message is getting too long. I know this isn’t a question but I just feel saying this here because I can’t tell anyone in person. By the way, he’s not like this all the time. When he gets mad at me, like 10 minutes later, he would act like nothing is wrong and would talk to me normally. And he expects me to do the same. He says it’s better than him staying mad longer.

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      sana (not my real name) 

      3 months ago

      hey , I m 15 yrs old ..i don't know whether i hate my dad or just sick of him. I would like to mention that he was the best dad a daughter could get until like 10 yrs from when i was born. But recently since 5 yrs he is been acting weird like hell weird .He left his job 5 yrs ago and was not able to find a consistent job since then.We have financial problems and some debt too. He currently is not working and doesn't desire to work . he keeps doubting my mom and doesn't allow her to work too.My mom is a great wife and puts up with my father for our sake .he has hit my mother a couple of times.As of me he just yells and never has hit me .i think he has some mental issues as he just says nonsense .he tells his mom was not loyal to her husband nor was my mother's mom and other women he knows which is not true. he keeps on staring at me and my sister (I have a younger sibling ) to just find are we similar to him or has my mother cheated . He fights with my mother a lot for even very little matters but my mother forgets everything and acts to be happy.

      i m a 10th grader and i ll have to get into a college next year but we literary have no money .i want to be a architect or at least do a hotel management course but my dad tells me to have a simple bachelor of commerce degree and get a simple job which pays just 220$ so that i can help my family but i aim higher . i think all of this is because he doesn't want to work and earn money. And now from past 2 days he is forcing my mom to have another child when he is not able to pay my tuition fees . he is even threatening that he would have a child with someone else if its not my mom. we have a property which is the only source of income and my dad 's siblings are a bit behind it ,so we are not in good terms with them .

      he tells that he will have another child(a boy because he already has 2 daughters) and i would have to take care of it.If in case the child born happens to be a girl then i m sure he would hate that child . he watches porn too ..but these are the thinks which happens when he is in bad mood.though most of the time he is in bad mood. but the 10% of the time he is in good mood ,he is just so good like awesome . this makes me confused whether to hate him or love him. he smokes a lot like 2 packs a day or sometimes more.

      he doubts my mom a lottttt. currently when i m typing this ..they are fighting. he is so absent minded that he forgets route while coming to home if he goes out and just drives aimlessly..i m from india

      i used to watch quite random videos to get out of it since i was 9-10 yrs. thats when i found about kdramas and kpop and have been a fan since 5 yrs. i would always desire to have kpop merchandise but can't get it as i m broke. my parents don't give me allowance . i just get to purchase 5 clothes a year. it would be fine if i grew up in a similar poor environment but i was brought up as a princess and they tell me to adjust for such thinks now .i havent even eaten pizza for a yr now. my father doesnt even let me do part time jobs.

      and i have too much pressure for getting scholarship now. my father's behavior is distracting me a lot.

      Thank you very much for taking your time to read..

      i would be really happy if you could reply and tell me how to bring my dad back to being normal..

      plss i neeed your help

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      anonymous 

      3 months ago

      I hate my father so so so much. Since I was kid I always get hit by my father, sometimes my mother too (I think bcs she thought her husband get angry because of me). Undeniable I was naughty daughter back then (1-12 years old cause I get to go hostel in 13 years old), I admit what that two people (my parents maybe?) say that I'm naughty,rude,useless and what so over bad words. Now I'm 16 years. After 4 years past I try to forget what my father have done to me. If back then even I just doing a very very little mistake, he always take off his anger to me with hit my body it's fxxxing hurt dude! plus I always get scars in my body.Imagine that you have to go to school today,but have to covered the swollen eyes from your friends,uh holy shit that was fucking hurt to remember it,I think that's why I don't have any friends in my primary school.But now that man used his mouth to make me feel terrible.You know what? I always think what if I die, that two BEST parents must be happy,right? Until now, if they want to go anywhere with my siblings, I'll not follow them,bcs they like scold me even in front of people, that sociophobia have developed in me since I was a kid you know?!!! Whenever I feel stress or depress,only one thing can be my best medicine.That was BTS. They tought me that I never walk alone and have to love myself.That's it.Thank you for reading my heart content.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      3 months ago from Australia

      Hi all. It was Mother's Day here in Australia last weekend. I've been interstate visiting one of my kids and newest grandson. Unfortunately I forgot to pick up my computer before heading for the airport so I wasn't able to answer any more questions while I was away.

      I'll get back to your messages as soon as I can ... but there's lots of them so it might take a couple of days. If you've sent me a question recently it might get buried among the many waiting in the queue so give it a day or two and then search through the most recent questions and answers. Thanks.

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      Francesca 

      3 months ago

      My parents have been divorced since I was two(I'm thirteen), so I've only ever known them being separated. The problem is recently he's gotten horrible.

      My father has married 5 people, and divorced four. My mom was the second and she thought nothing of his previous relationship. His recent wife hasn't been great to me though.

      I didn't have the chance to meet her before they got married, secretly. They ended up getting married on my 10th birthday that he was supposed to come and visit me. They never told me though. I ended up finding out when my aunt texted me 4 months later and asked how I like my new stepmother. I was in disbelief I hid it for a week and tried to hurt myself but my mom caught me and asked what was wrong. She got it out of me and I ended up having a two hour long arguement over facetime with my dad. He blamed me and said it was my fault.

      I went to visit him a month or two later and I found out she was pregnant. While I was visiting they went to many doctors and they found out they had a miscarriage. The rest of the trip she was horrible to me and blamed it on me. She yelled at me when my dad was there and when he wasn't there too. My dad did nothing.

      I flew back home and didn't see him him till the next year. They'd had a baby the next time I visited, again they didn't tell me. They ignored me the whole time and the pictures my dad once had up of me were gone. She told me I was a mistake and that I am not relevant in our family.

      I ended up not visiting them till a week before my 13th birthday where they came up and planned a suprise trip to NYC which I normally go to and where they've never been. My birthday is he last day of the year so we were visiting christmas time ish. Totally out of context but I'd just got back from an over seas trip so I was slightly exhausted. We ended up getting there and I had a huge migraine when we arrived. I didn't tell anybody because I didn't want to be a bother. I sat in the bathroom in complete silence in darkness to wait it out. When I got out I grabbed my pj's and went back in the bathroom to change. My dad and his wife were arguing about something I'd prefer to keep to myself and when I was finished I got out and she yelled straight at my face that I was a b*tchy brat in front of my dad while he stared at me in almost a proud way. That night I cried myself to sleep. I called and texted my mom. She tried to get her friend to come and pick me up so I wouldn't have to stay their. In the morning he picked me up and we took a train back to where I lived.

      I haven't seen him since. He hasn't given me a gift for christmas or my birthday for 2 or 3 years (I haven't kept count). He hasn't texted me or called me like a normal person during holidays. It makes me believe he doesn't care or love me. On top of that before I left the trip when I went to New York he announced that my Step mom was pregnant with a baby girl. I shouldn't be jealous but I'm totally jealous that I am not even remotely part of his life.

      I wanna tell him something or end something but I don't know what to do or say. Help?

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      Angela 

      3 months ago

      I don't know what to feel about my dad anymore, im coming to the point where i can't take him anymore. My parents fight, my brother is addicted to the internet video game world (he uses it as an escape), and this terrible cycle continues. I used to feel guilty every time having some kind of fight with him, but it came to this place where I don't feel guilty anymore and just want to do something to make him stop and leave me alone. I don't care about him as much, I feel more like myself in school, and will never want to marry someone like him in the future. My mom cries a lot after fights and complains about him to me, and WHY do I have to take the negativity? It's not fair, my brother has his escape, while I am trapped. My dad has depression a few times in the past, and he's always on extremes. What I mean by extremes is that he either is being superior over everyone else, acting like he's the only one that's right; or he's in his depression mood. His attitude- it's his attitude that makes me feel inferior, unimportant, wrong, and idiotic. And his fights with my mom...and with my brother and I...and all of this mess, I really want to leave and go to college (I'm in highschool). I don't know if my emotion should be called hate, but yes, I searched up What If You Hate Your Dad, so I guess it is.

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      Vikki 

      3 months ago

      Hi,

      I'm the eldest in my family (5 other siblings), and honestly, I've come to the point of detesting my dad. I wouldn't say hate, it just I've lost my respect for him over the years. I guess over the years it's just been degrading from watching him not do what he's supposed to over the many years and also jumping out of that stage where parents are 'perfect'. He's very unsupportive and rather goes out to support other families and their problems than trying to fix his own, as he thinks we’ll work it out amongst ourselves. He once told me he has a higher goal in life and can't be troubled by all these little things in our family. Such as letting my younger siblings mentally abuse me, shut me out, and turn me into the scapegoat for everything. He waits until something terrible happens and we (as siblings) get physical before wanting to 'talk’. And his talk is all about you shouldn’t do this, you should do this etc, without getting down to the root problem. It's all age he says, and you'll grow out of it. I should just leave it go, apologize and leave them be.

      He doesn’t really care. His marriage to my mom is also not great and it has a lot to do with him being selfish without any love, care or support to offer in return. I’ve once mentioned it to him and he blamed his distant and uncaring behavior on my mom, saying she doesn’t him to get close to us and spend time without making remarks like you don’t spend time with me. I don’t think he has the right to blame it on her, as she too deserves attention and support in being the one who always has to deal with the problems that arise between my siblings and me, which is sometimes too much for her to handle by herself.

      The sibling born after me is very disrespectful towards my mom (and only want to talk with my dad), lies, and mentally abused me if I don’t do what she wants and the time she wants.

      Each time, my dad wants me to apologize to her. But then I think, well he can’t even apologize to my mom for being uncaring, mocking her, and degrades her all the time.

      Now, my dad wants to talk to me again after this sibling and I got into a fight, but I feel that even if I listen, I’ll only see everything he says as excuses and we’ll go in the same circle again. I seriously cannot stand him, and other times I am able to tolerate him if I detach myself emotionally and not care. But it’s really sad to see how he uses me, disrespects my position as the eldest (favors other’s when problems arise), and is very unloving. I feel very hurt and sad when I see other daughters with their dads and what good relationships they have with each other. But at this point, the only thing I can do avoid him as best as I can (while still be respectful as a daughter) while I finish grad school and am ready to move out on my own.

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      Ujjwal das 

      3 months ago

      ...ny father has problem with me only....he always beat to me....he always shout on me....i want to complain because now i cannot handle this any more

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      Annabeth 

      3 months ago

      Hi I'm 14.. Now I'm quite in war with myself.. My father came from a sad background where his family don't love him.. Now.. It's been 14 years.. he has been mumbling about his parents ever since.. He never askes me about my my school.. Always increase the TV volume when I'm studying... He always talks bad about other people.. Always thinks bad thing.. Like to mumble (talking to himself.. It's not a mental problem) he doesn't listen to me crying.. Look I understand he's suffering from a chronic disease.. But can't I expect love from my dad?.. He always call my mom to talk negative things about others or askes my mom (who works so hard to cure him) to massage him.. No once but thrice or even more.. His now admitted In hospital and me and my mom(she Loves him) are very relaxed.. Sometimes I wish that he could stay admitted forever.. Please help me I can't talk this to anyone.. Please help me.

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      santi 

      3 months ago

      hi there. your question actually made me think about a lot of stuff. i know i am different from my siblings but i don't know how. every time i get lectured.. i can't help but always counter their points.. it's like in my system to do that.. maybe cause that's how my father disciplines me? using my own points against me or maybe i got that from my mom who loves debates and studied law, i also love debates actually. i feel like i am away from my own age group.. i don't think like them.. i'm not that shallow and naive. and that bore the trust issues. i'm always reminded that i'm the smartest among all of us siblings by others, actually. i'm not proud of that, i hate it when people have high expectations of me. also me and my siblings get along pretty okay. i try to maintain our okay relationship even if i have to stay away from my dad. as for my dad.. i love him even if he beats me up, resents me or just plainly hates me. i still wish for things to be okay with us. but now that i'm aware of things he's done i've lost trust, faith and even memories of us.. like i just think: have i ever had a normal dad? i can't look at him in the eye without thinking, why didn't you leave the other woman? do you talk to your other children that are strangers to me like how you talk to me? did you carry them in your arms i've never felt safe in? did you give them a hug i can't remember receiving from you? did you tell them the words i've been dying to hear from you, "i love you my child," or "i'm proud of you," or at least say you're wrong and you're sorry for once? or at least say, "we are both wrong in this argument"? does it have to be you that is always right? will i never be right against you? will i always be wrong?

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      Teenager 

      3 months ago

      My dad always shouts at me and tells me off and blames me for everything. When my cousins have homework they don’t understand they ask me because I’m slightly older and know how to do the work and my dad tells me i shouldn’t help them their now going to thank me anyways. Apparently all my cousins are band people. He always has a go at me. I just feel like I’ve had enough, I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I wish he wasn’t my father and that I didn’t know him.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      3 months ago from Australia

      I’m so sorry your father is treating you so badly, Santi, and your life is so difficult. It is no fault of yours. I certainly can’t understand what your mother was thinking every time she had another child with him. He obviously wasn’t leaving his wife, and an intelligent woman like her should have anticipated problems for you kids.

      You’re very clever for only 13. I understand you’re confused and frightened now, not knowing what you can do. But I’ve watched you reach out to me, a complete stranger, on the internet and have the confidence to explain your circumstances.

      That’s pretty impressive, Santi. You’re actively searching for advice and solutions for your problems. I know you haven’t figured out answers about how to best cope yet, but I know you’re going to.

      Here in Australia the government expects parents to contribute part of their wages and income to support their kids, called ‘Child Support’ payments. If they divorce and kids live with their mother, the dad pays child support. Single mothers can claim it from the father of their child. How much is paid and which parent pays it can be complicated, but essentially the idea is to make sure kids aren’t left living in poverty if parents split up. So, for instance, a father can’t abandon his kids financially if he chooses to leave them physically.

      Your mum studied law so she’ll know if it exists in your part of the world. But it sounds like she has an agreement in place with your father about money, and she seems determined to continue their relationship. So it isn’t really an issue for you.

      I’m wondering how you get on with your older sibling ... and what their relationship is like with your dad.

      Do you have any ideas about what it is that makes things so strained between you and your dad? How are you different to your siblings?.

    • profile image

      santi 

      3 months ago

      i'm from the philippines... i've honestly never heard of the term child support by anyone in this country. yes, my mom knows about this, i asked her why she keeps putting up with his bull, she says love. my mom is a graduate a law, one of the top students, but she didnt take the exam lawyers needed to take to become a lawyer cause of my dad, so no. she can't financially support us without him. it sucks that she let him enclose us in a life the depends all on him. of course her relationship is still going on till now, cant do anything about that, honestly. they arent married. you cant marry another while you are married in my country, so they cant 'divorce'. i am a hundred percent certain that we've been kept secret for the last 18 years. (the age of his oldest child with my mom, my sibling) and yeah, he is still married to the woman.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      3 months ago from Australia

      What? Are you saying he's still married to the other woman? You mean he literally has two families at the same time? I didn't realize that.

      Does he pay all your bills and support your family financially? Could your mother cope without whatever money he is contributing?

      You're right, Santi, your father is a huge hypocrite and I'm not surprised you hate him. (I hate him too. What a scumbag.)

      Your mother puzzles me. She has more than one child with him, yes? So she's been putting up with him for a long time by the sound of it.

      Does your mother still continue her relationship with your father?

      I'm sorry, Santi, but I'm pretty cross with your mother right now as well. How does she justify this madness when she talks with you about it?

      I'm wondering if child support is even an option in your country if your mother and father were to separate. She wouldn't be getting a divorce if they were never married.

      Your mother knows about his first wife. I wonder if she knows about your mother. What country are you in? I'm trying to get my head around the social 'rules' where you live.

    • profile image

      santi 

      3 months ago

      no... i don't care even if he has dozens of kids in the other family.. but when you think about it, the fact that he has another family, is married to another woman, is probably a better father to his kids who are strangers to me, and plays favorites with his secret family (us) is absurd! what gives him the audacity to do that to me?! he literally has another family! and then he plays favorites with me and my siblings and i have to suffer? also from where i'm from, our country values marriage a lot, and also he and i are both catholics! whenever he yells at me, he reminds me of the commandment, "thou shall honor your mother and father," emphasizing father. WELL WHAT ABOUT, "thou shall not commit adultery," ?! he's a literal cheater, terrible dad, not to mention a hypocrite!

      also... should i consider talking to this with my mom? perhaps get professional help...? i really just want to live my life the best i could and make the best future without him possible. i've never hated someone so much.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      3 months ago from Australia

      Hi Grace. I have a prediction. I'm pretty sure that one day in years to come (and that could be a long time, like even 20 years), your dad will tell you how he's always been proud of you ... and you'll be saying, 'Why didn't you tell me that years ago? You could have saved me so much grief!' Ah, yes, I've known people like you and your father.

      A lot of parents are under the mistaken impression they're 'helping' their kids by 'motivating' them to do better. But in reality, they're disheartening their kids instead. Your dad sounds like one of those parents.

      Instead of 'challenging' you, he'd be more helpful if he acknowledged your efforts and achievements. Lots of kids are motivated by positive feedback and their parents' obvious pride. I'm guessing you're one of those kids.

      Grace, I suspect you've been trying to meet your father's expectations, and behave the way he expects you to behave. In doing so, you might have concealed how you really feel from your father.

      So I suggest you consider revealing your true disappointment and genuine frustration to your father. Let him see (and hear) how you really feel, instead of always trying to be strong and self-restrained all the time.

      I suggest you tell him you need him to stop being 'the coach', and just be 'your dad'. Allow yourself to cry and have a little outburst. Remind him that you need a supportive father more than you need a live-in personal trainer.

      Let me know how it goes. I'm hoping he'll see you're at a significant time in your life, and reassess how he speaks to you.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      3 months ago from Australia

      Thanks for writing back to me, Santi. I understand your situation better now, so I'll share some more thoughts with you.

      Let me start by reminding you I am not a psychologist or a mental health professional. I am a mother and a grandmother with lots of experience with kids. My first born child is nearly 40 and, can you believe it, my 'surprise package' baby is still in high school.

      Plus because I was also a foster mother, I have an appreciation of what life is like for very troubled kids. Four of my grandchildren (with number five due soon) know I'm not their blood relative because I was their mother's foster mother. But they call me 'nan' and come to stay with me in school holidays. I love them and value them, just as I love and value my blood-related grandchildren.

      So when I talk with kids like you, I'm not just shooting hot air like (often childless) psychologists with no real first-hand experience with kids.

      I don't know what textbooks say about kids in your position. But I do know quite a lot from experience. So I'm hoping you'll pay attention to what I'm going to tell you ... and believe me when I tell you there's definitely a way to get past your current feelings of despair.

      First, you have to eat regularly. I mean it. Not eating is not helping.

      You are a teenager flooded with hormones in a body that's growing and developing. You need food. I explained to you before that I think you should go out and eat meals with your family, and why. But if you can't do that all the time quite yet, you should eat meals with your mother and siblings when your dad is not home ... and ask your mother to please bring you meals when your dad is home. (Even if she has to sneak food to you when he's not looking.)

      But that doesn't mean just snacking on sandwiches. You need to eat proper meals including fruit and vegetables. Your long term health requires you to make your best effort to get nutrients from your foods.

      When you are an adult, you can't turn the clock back to repair any damage from not eating properly as a teenager. So just do it, Santi. Eat properly.

      Now let's talk about your dad's other family ...

      I understand that you're disappointed. I honestly get that. It was probably a shock to discover he has other, older kids and to feel 'less important' in his life than you thought.

      But really, Santi, at 13 I don't think you appreciate just how common it is for kids to have half-brother and half-sisters. Your dad had a family before you were born. That's not really such a big deal, is it?

      Perhaps you're more disappointed by the fact nobody told you about the other kids from the time you were born. If you'd known about them when you were very young, perhaps you'd have accepted your father's second family as kind of 'normal'.

      Take my youngest child, for instance. She has much older half-sisters. I'm the mother of a teenager, and a grandmother at the same time. (Kind of like your dad's children's ages.)

      So tell me, Santi, what is the real problem with the existence of the 'second family' (which actually was your dad's 'first' family)?

      By trying to explain it to me, I think it will help you work through the issues in your own mind. (By the way, don't worry about offending me if you talk about him being 'too old' or whatever. lol. I'm used to being an 'old' mother ... and my youngest doesn't have a problem with me being an old 'granny'.)

      Just be honest with me about what's on your mind, and what you're having the most trouble accepting and dealing with about the other family.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      3 months ago from Australia

      Grace, sorry I didn't see your comment earlier. I'll write to you shortly. But first I have to reply to Santi. Then I'll turn my attention to you. :)

    • profile image

      santi 

      3 months ago

      i really want to not give him the satisfaction of him winning over me and it just can't be helped. it's just so hard to fight a battle without feeling anyone on your side. i don't eat because i'm scared of seeing him, afraid that he's going to remind me once more how much of a messed up person i am. about his second family... or should i say firsr? yeah, only me and my mom knows about that. we're a second family, a secret. i really don't understand why a smart woman like my mother put up with his bull. but even before that he's been treating me like nothing! it only worsened when he found out i knew that he was married and had two kids double my age! not to mention a grandchild! and yes, my mother lives with me and my siblings. without her i would have lost my sanity if i lived under the roof of this man without her for an hour, honestly. i only eat when he isn't around. he doesn't live with us, go figure. and yeah, i came back because i'm desperate for answers. my dad mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically messes me up (he caused me a black eye, a bloody nose and a busted lip before, tbh.)

    • profile image

      Grace 

      3 months ago

      I don't know if I hate my dad, but he makes me really unhappy. For years he has mentally abused me (not sure if I would really use that harsh of a word, and he doesn't know that he's doing it, and if I said he mentally abuses me he'd probably be so angry at me) because I am not good enough. That's almost been my mantra since I was small. He constantly fuels my insecurities and I find that almost all of them are rooted in his expectations for me. It's like nothing I do will ever be good enough for him. I play volleyball, and I am definitely playing in college. But it's like that's not good enough for him- he wants me to go bigger. I've always been a little heavier set but I've worked out on almost all my off days for almost 4 years to make sure that they can't say anything about my body. Even just now, he said that it looks like I've gained weight and when I said that I haven't gained weight since I was a freshman (true) that I was lying and started bullying me into saying what my weight is. I definitely feel body shamed. After I started working out so much, he said I needed to do more cardio. It's like it never ends. I got a 28 on my ACT, and he said he was proud of me but then proceeded to say that I had to get a 30. I want to major in Education and every time it comes up he has something bad to say about it and that I will never make any money. I just don't understand what he wants from me. I'm trying to make him proud of me but it's like there is no way to satisfy him. He doesn't treat my younger sister like that, just me. I'm the oldest. When I first got into the recruiting process, I emailed coaches from schools across the country, and the only reason I can recall is because I want to get away from him. It also might help to mention that he is my volleyball coach (head coach at school for 20 years) and he is an associate director at the club that I play for, so my life is volleyball, volleyball, volleyball. I struggle profoundly with self doubt and insecurity because I feel like my identity is inside my sport. I feel like volleyball defines me. I feel what he thinks of me defines me, and it's really hurting our relationship. I really hurts me that I'm not as close with him as I know I could be. I've also had some problems with anxiety attacks (but I've only had them at volleyball related events-- practices and games, and they're rooted in his expectations for me). I just don't know what to do or who to go to. I just want to be myself and enjoy my life and my youth without having to worry constantly about what he thinks of me. I want him to be proud of me.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      3 months ago from Australia

      You’re obviously a clever kid, Santi. So let’s talk about ways we can make this situation better for you. At the moment it sounds like your dad is ‘winning’ and you’re the one suffering. That’s not fair. So I’ll start with a few ideas here, then I’d like you to write back answering some of my questions, okay?

      I understand why you’re hiding in your room. It gets you away from the craziness and gives you space to think. The bit I don’t understand is why you’re not eating. At 13 you need good food to help your body (and your brain) develop. It doesn’t hurt your father when you don’t eat. It only hurts you.

      Your dad’s not going to feel sorry for you, even if you are wasting away ... which is why you should start eating again. Stop punishing yourself. Let’s face it, your dad is making your life difficult enough. Don’t make it worse by ruining your health.

      You say he’s acting normal, or better, when you are locked away. Don’t give him that satisfaction. I want you to get out and have meals and show that you have every right to live a normal life in your home, just as he does. Have breakfast, lunch and dinner. Maybe you won’t be chatty, but you should ‘take your place’ at the table.

      Let your siblings see that you’re not being changed or ‘broken’ by your dad. And let your dad see that you are strong (and confident) and I think he’ll start treating you with more respect .

      After you’ve been to the kitchen and grabbed a sandwich (because I want you to eat right now), please write to me and tell me if your mother also lives with you.

      And what do you mean about his secret second family?

    • profile image

      santi 

      3 months ago

      i hate my dad cause he obviously plays favorites. he tells me i'm ruining my other siblings like every chance he got. then would proceed to tell my siblings to stay away from me cause i'm ruining them. i hate my dad cause he has another family, and only i know about it. i hate my dad cause he was never there for me. i hate my dad cause he only notices the normal crap kids my age would do (like playing computers, lazing around from time to time, or just joke around) but he doesn't give a damn at all at the things i spend actual time on just to impress him(studying, teaching my siblings manners, etc.) i'm only 13 but this is just too much for me. i've shut people out (even my family) i just stay in a room, locked, refusing to eat, i'm also scared of talking with my siblings now, i feel like my dad doesn't want me doing that either. and above all that, what hurt me the most was that he acts normal, maybe even better when i started locking myself in a room for the majority of days. he smiled more, laughed, it's sickening!

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      3 months ago from Australia

      Analisa, I’m sorry you weren’t adopted into a family with a more supportive and attentive father, but I hope there’s some good things about living there ... along with the bad.

      I don’t want you to get in the same habit as your adoptive dad and fail to notice good things. You can write to me any time you want to talk about anything. I’m happy to try and help you make sense of it all.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      3 months ago from Australia

      Jenny, you really must talk more with your mother and your grandparents about this problem. I don’t know what country you’re in, but domestic violence is not acceptable anywhere.

      If your brother’s head was injured by your father’s bottle, that’s all the evidence anyone needs to see how dangerous your father’s behaviour can be. Please keep asking for help.

    • profile image

      Analisa 

      3 months ago

      I hate my Dad because i feel like he only notices the bad stuff that I do never the good, And when he does notice he always just nods and goes back to playing on his phone. He puts my sister who is 2 on a tablet so he does not have to watch her . I was a adopted last year and this is who I have to live with

    • profile image

      Jenny 

      3 months ago

      Hey, my parents took a divorce about 7 years ago but then my mum decide to forgive him. after one year my brother was born and later that year he start doing drugs, he start abusing me and yelling when my mother is not home I talk to my mother and I often thought of going to my grandparents,he even cursed me on my birthday in front of my friends but Few month's ago he try to hit me With a bottle and the bottle miss me and hit my younger brother and broke his head but thanks God he is OK.he recently start yelling at my mom too, I hate him and even though I know mum doesn't what him anymore she is still with him

      Thanks

      And sorry about the spelling English is not my nature language.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      3 months ago from Australia

      If you’re afraid your dad might try to kidnap you and your siblings from school, you really must talk to your mother ... and ask her to come to the school with you so you can talk with the Principal.

      If the staff is aware of a potential problem, they could pay attention and intervene if he turns up at school. If they don’t know, they’re not likely to be watching out for you. So involve your mother in setting up whatever is needed to help you feel safer.

    • profile image

      not sure if i should give out my real name 

      3 months ago

      my dad has always been mean to my mom and they would always fight even when she was pregnant he would always lie to me about her. like saying that she's not being a real mom or that she's doing drugs. one time she didn't come home but thats because one day i told her that she shouldn't be at the house if he being mean to her. then later after my mom was done with wrk she stayed there since a family member owned it.He was never there for me my mom or my siblings. He cheated on my mom on christmas we thought he was still in new orleans with his mom like he said but he wasn't he was with another women and her kids. what really made me mad is that he tried to take us away from our mom by putting her in jail for no reason. but we stayed with our mom's sister through december. it's 2018 now and he had left my mm wth 5 kids to raise by her self. He talks about my mom very disrespectfully. he comes to take places know and then. he took me to our old babysitters and he knows i don't like it there and he ask"are you okay" that was probaly the dumbest question i've ever heard. but some times he making me really uncomfortable like he would tell me to sit on his lap (know i was 10 then) i didn't want to but i didn't know what to do. But what i'm really scared of is that what if he tries to go to our school to pick us up but no one knew like if he tries to kidnap us i know that it might not happen but i'm afraid that it might.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      3 months ago from Australia

      Hello Klex. Lots of kids find it impossible to imagine someone hating their dad, but that's because they have wonderful, loving fathers. (The same way kids who don't have dyslexia or learning difficulties can't imagine someone hating school.) I understand your friends disappointed you, but I hope you'll forgive them. I'm thinking they just don't 'get it' and probably didn't intend to offend or upset you.

      I don't understand why your father will be forcing you to return to your home-country in a month. Where do you live now? Do your mother and siblings live where you are now, or in your home country? What will happen with your schooling?

      Does being back in your home country mean you'll be away from your father? I'm interested in hearing what this all means if you're happy to explain it.

      Let's spend a moment talking about your dad looking at your butt. You said he's a doctor and you told him you were sick because you had white dots everywhere ... and then you asked me if you're overreacting by feeling violated and traumatized. Well, here's my honest answer ...

      I think your doctor-dad looking at your butt 'for a couple of seconds' is a much bigger issue for you than it actually needs to be. No need to feel violated or traumatized. Most doctors often look at butts as part of their work. In a doctor's line of work, a butt is just 'another face in the crowd'. He was checking how far the spots extended. I don't see a problem with that.

      However, because you live in a conservative family and your father insists you wear long sleeves and 'appropriate clothes', I do believe he should have been more aware of your feelings and should have anticipated your embarrassment.

      But let's not forget you were 12, Klex, not yet a teenager. It is pretty easy for adults to consider 12-year-olds as still being little kids. You're 15 now and I would expect him to be far more respectful about your feelings, but I suspect he just took the 'shorthand' approach to diagnosing your illness back then. You're a little kid complaining about spots so he took a quick look and made his diagnosis. End of story.

      You said you were sick, he's a doctor, he looked at the appropriate place where you had symptoms. Did he really have to ask your permission? Plus as easy as it is for those of us who don't have a medical degree to assume just looking at your back would have told him everything he needed to know, I know for a fact sometimes exactly where spots are (or aren't) can make a difference. So please, let go of that feeling of being violated by him. Actual 'trauma' at the hands of your father would play out very differently to what you've described.

      I'm flattered that you chose to share a story with me that you've not mentioned to anyone else in three years. I'm hoping I can help you with that one as well.

      Your father is obviously much more conservative than my husband and myself. And yet we both occasionally insisted our teenage daughters change their clothes and cover up. Parents do that, Klex. It is just one of the ways we try to protect our kids from future harm.

      All but one of my children are adults now. I let my teenage daughters wear shorts to the beach in the middle of the day (which is appropriate in our culture), but I never let any of my teenage daughters wear shorts out at night ... and I even insisted they 'dress appropriately' during the day if we were going somewhere, for instance, where I suspected there might potentially be a bunch of hormonal young men (or dirty old men!) My husband's the same. Nothing sexual when he considers our daughter's clothing. Just protective.

      So your dad obviously has different 'standards' and expectations regarding what you wear, but I suspect he has the same kind of protective attitude in mind.

      You've obviously been raised and encouraged to be very conservative, Klex. Unfortunately I think that's getting in the way of your ability to be objective. Please try to be a little less fearful of your father. I understand he's difficult, but I don't think he's quite the monster you fear he is.

      Perhaps you could try talking with him, without the fear. Ask him questions about his own childhood, just out of interest. Ask him how and why he chose to become a doctor. Maybe if you learn more about him and understand where he's coming from, the two of you may grow a little closer.

    • profile image

      Klex 

      3 months ago

      Also, this one time when I was 12 I went up to him and told him I was sick and had white dots everywhere. (he is a doctor) They were mostly on my back and continued to my butt. Then my dad told me to turn around and he pulled down my pants and just looked for a couple seconds. I feel violated and traumatized, I grew up in a conservative family where I always wore long sleeves even when I was a baby. So to have someone look at my butt.. and it being my dad??

      Is this justified? Am I overreacting as he IS a doctor? He never asked me for permission or if I felt comfortable doing that and it was not necessary as he could just see on my back how it was.

      I notice him checking me out sometimes or telling my mum to tell me to wear more "appropriate clothes". He's my dad! EW. And he says that when I wear a long sleeves shirt and pants reaching my ankles, just that I knelt down and my shirt lifted up showing the shape my butt, not even actual skin. ugh. I feel so gross saying this I havent told anyone in 3 years.

    • profile image

      Klex 

      3 months ago

      You're very nice to be responding to people. I am 15 and my dad is the reason for all my sorrows, and we are not close at all. None of my friends understand me and rather they belittled me for hating my father behind my back which hurt me a lot. I always have dreams about finally talking back to my dad and screaming that I hate him and how he has made my life hell. I've hated him since I was 9 or even younger, he shouts a lot at my mum and he is controlling. He threatens to tear my passport up anytime and already forced my sister to move back to our home-country and he will soon force me too in a month. I just wanted my dad to like me so all along this I am quiet and obedient but he still hates me and picks on me for eveeything I do. All of my siblingfs and my mum get so ecsatic when he goes on a business trip alone or somewhere we won't see him for a while. I tear up a little everytime I see dads kiss their kids before school in my bus, I have to turn to the window and suck it back in. I can't run 'to' anyone, no one would support me and it seems like a stupid idea as I would just be sent back home and punished.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      You and your brother are adults now, Chez. You can move out and stop allowing your father to bully you and boss you around. Don’t just move around the corner, move to a different city a long way from his home. If you get on well with your brother, you could both go to the same place at the same time, and support and encourage each other.

      You can blame your father for ruining your childhood. But you only have yourself to blame if you allow him to ruin your adult life as well. If you let him take you for granted, he will keep doing it. If you can’t stand up to him when he’s close by, move far away.

    • profile image

      Chez 

      4 months ago

      I can remember from a child I was always called fat pig by my father! He always to me and my brother to restaurants and fed us well but then called me fat pig! He use to hit us if we had fun in the house or if we laughed! He was agressive to our mum! He tortured our pet dog! And now that we are grown adults he continues to abuse us in a negative way! He demands total respect and service from us like all our time and we have to clean up after him wash his dishes clean his bedding tidy his room wash the floors and his windows clean his clothes help him with any shopping and also any building work that he needs help with! Doctors appointments and hospital appointments all need our time and attendance! And we do all the above but he still continues to shout at us and swear at us and is very aggressive towards us! It’s like he never wanted children or that he hates us! He is very mean to us and intimidates us or belittles us in front of people! It makes us cry! I’ve reported him it doesn’t make any difference!

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      You are doing well if you’re avoiding arguments, Anok. He’s not much of a father figure, which is a shame, but I doubt he’s likely to change.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      I don’t know how old you are, Shweta, but running away from home exposes you to a whole of other dangers and problems so here’s what I suggest. Instead of running ‘away’ from your family home, figure out a way to run ‘to’ someone you trust. That could be a grandparent or other relative ... or some other trustworthy family of a friend. It could be as simple as phoning them up and asking them if they can collect you to stay for a few days. Then talk to them about your problems and see if they can help.

    • profile image

      Shweta 

      4 months ago

      I hate my father the most in d world.. he is abusive towards me physically as well as mentally.. I want to run away from house as even my mother never understand n support me.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      There’s an awful lot of a hassle and heartache when parents get divorced, but most kids find life is much more peaceful when their parents are no longer fighting and yelling every day. There’s often a much better chance of developing better relationships with them both, as long as you don’t ‘take sides’.

      You could say to your parents, ‘Do you know how dreadful it is for us kids to have you two fighting all the time? Why are you still together if you can’t be happy and nice to each other?’

      They might try to be nicer to each other. Or they might split up. Either option sounds like it would be an improvement. I’m thinking they might need you to point out it isn’t helping you kids to be living in a battlefield. They both should figure out what will make them happier ... so you kids can be happier when things settle down.

    • profile image

      Anonymous 

      4 months ago

      I don't understand my feelings towards my father. Sometimes he is super fun, and I enjoy hanging around with him, but sometimes I just hate him. He and my mom fight all the time, and he is so mean to my mom. Then she tries to contain her tears but can't, and it makes me cry too but I can't tell anyone about it. Also, he bullies me and makes me feel guilty for my flaws and for things that I didn't even do. He gets mad really easily, and yells at my brothers and threatens them and makes them cry, which also makes me cry. He takes advantage of all of us, and gets even more mad when I avoid him because I just don't like being around him. It scares me that I got some of my personality from him, because I, like him, keep arguments going because of my strong opinions. I don't want anything to do with him, but I can't help it and I hate that. I fight with him a lot too, but it's only because he says mean things that I know are wrong, and I want to get it across to him that he doesn't rule the world. But he doesn't listen and instead says mean things to me and makes me cry. I try to tough it up and block out the feelings, but when I'm alone I'm broken. I'm good at acting happy in front of other people, but I'm not. I'm fortunate to have him, he provides for my family, but I just wish he would be nicer and would listen. I accidentally came across my mom and dad's texts, where I found out that my dad hurt my mom and that it was "too late to save their relationship." The only reason they're still together is because of my brothers and I but it's not some gift with them still together but screaming at each other all the time, either. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who has this problem, but I just want to know what to do without needing to learn to deal with him because he's the only dad I'll get.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Hi Annie. Study hard and maybe you can become a lawyer and someday a judge ... or a powerful politician. If you get work in some kind of helpful role within the Court system you might be able to make positive changes. Sadly it won’t help you and your mother right now but it would be great if more kids like you step up to implement changes when you’re older. There will always be women and children in need of help.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Stop and think, Cassandra. While I understand you feel sorry for your father and you're afraid something might happen to him when he's alone, you are 21 and should not be living in such a toxic, intolerable environment. Particularly now your mom's gone. So let's talk ...

      I'm sorry your mom died. I'm sure any mother would want their child to lead a full and happy adult life, and even though your mother was not emotionally strong enough to encourage you to get out and have fun and create your own future, that's what she should have done. She chose to stay with your dad for whatever reason, but you honestly don't have to stay with your dad and sacrifice your happiness the way she did.

      The chances of your dad dying in a car accident are very slim so that's not likely to be an option to fix your problems. You say he's 'too old' but when I was 21 I thought 60 was old, and 70 was ancient. But I've now seen so many people live into their late 90s that I fear you might become stuck in your house with your father until you are 30, 40 or even older.

      Geez, Cassandra. You don't owe your life to your father. He made his decisions as an adult, and those decisions spoiled your childhood. You get to make your own decisions now that you're an adult, and I hate to think you'll allow him to spoil your adult years as well. You are the one who can change things, only you.

      Please believe me when I tell you there are lots of lonely old men living alone who cope just fine. Yes, he'll probably complain when you move out but he should be expecting it (even though he doesn't tell you). And you know he's narcissistic and everything he says and does will have his own welfare as his only focus. So you have to be strong enough to stand up for yourself and follow through on walking away from him.

      You don't have to save up to rent a whole house and buy furniture etc. If you have a job, figure out how much you could afford to pay for a room in a shared house of other youngsters (or even a room in the home of a nice, friendly old lady or a family that's nothing like yours was.) Perhaps you have a friend who would have space for you to stay. Then you can go to work, happy, and come home, happy, and save your money to fund the next stage as you progress through life. Get a new job in a place that's busy with lots of young people so you make new friends.

      It is incredibly important to stay away from drugs and limit your alcohol so that you don't spiral down into self harm. Your goal should be to 'climb up' not 'spiral down'. Appreciate your freedom every morning when you wake, and make the most of every day. Form new relationships with people you like and enjoy, and your father will simply have to do the same thing with his new living arrangements.

      What your father does is not your responsibility. We go through life knowing one day we'll get old, which is why we have fun when we're young and then settle down and work hard to raise our children, save money and plan for how we'll cope when we're old and our kids have moved out. If your dad didn't think that through at any time in his life, he's a bigger fool than he already seems. But that's his problem, not yours.

      Look at it logically, Cassandra. I don't know how much money your father has but he can rent out your room once you're gone. There's bound to be some other cranky old man who'd be ideally suited to keep him company. Their rent can help him pay his bills.

      If your dad doesn't cook for himself, it is time he learned. Youtube will teach him anything your mother used to do for him. He doesn't need you to do it. And there may well be 'Meals on Wheels' or some other similar service available if he needs it when he is really old.

      Your father has been alive for a lot longer than you, Cassandra. He's old enough to figure out what he's going to do all by himself. Don't let him guilt you into believing that you owe him your young adult years. You don't!

      Move out and move on, Cassandra. Create your new life with the goal of being happy and one day having your own family to love and care for. Stay away from men like your father and never allow yourself to become trapped in an unhappy marriage like your mother was. There's a whole world out there waiting for you, and there's a multitude of fabulous young men who will make loving, caring husbands for women like you. Don't be in a hurry to find one, but know that there's at least one brilliant guy out there who will cross your path when you're older and happier and ready to settle down.

      For now, however, you need to get out into the world and start growing into the confident and capable woman you're destined to become. Walk out your dad's door and start living your life. Tell him you're sorry that mom died, but your life is just beginning and you have to get out and live it.

    • profile image

      Annie 

      4 months ago

      My dad has always mentally abused me, my sister, and my mom and we've told people about it. My mom has spent 3 years on the divorse and all her money and the court still doesn't believe us. Maybe because we're kids or women or whatever reason, but courts shouldn't be ignoring this, they need to change.

    • profile image

      Cassandra 

      4 months ago

      Eversince I was a child, I've hated my dad. He abused us verbally, physically and mentally! He cheated on my mom when I was little and they used to have arguments about it all the time! He thinks he knows everything and every person in the world should obey him, otherwise he would yell at us, hit us or he might even kill us! He's too religious, narcissistic, selfish and intolerable! I wish he dies in a car accident whenever he leaves the house!

      I lost my mom recently and it made everything just worse! I hate him even more and I blame him for my mom's death! I'm 21 and I live alone with him, I cant even move out because he is too old and I dont dare live him alone for Im scared something would happen to him when he's alone! We barely talk since whenever I sit next to him we end up fighting! He is too lonely and I feel sorry for him eventhough he deserves to suffer in loneliness but i hate him too much to help! I dont know what to do anymore!

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Keira, you need to talk with your father when his friends are not around. Ask him why he keeps embarrassing and humiliating you in front of his friends. Tell him if he wants you to treat him with respect he should pay you the same courtesy. Ask him, ‘How can you possibly think that it is okay to treat me so badly? Do you want me to grow up hating you?’

      Remind him, ‘You’re my father.You’re supposed to protect me, not humiliate me.’

      Ask your mother to stand up for you. She should tell your father (and his friends) to grow up and treat you with respect.

      You could also say, if you feel confident enough, ‘If you want to play rough, get a dog. Don’t expect me to amuse you!’

    • profile image

      Keira 

      4 months ago

      My dad makes me cry. And he knows I’m soft. Whenever I cry, he laughs at me and his friends laugh. He’s a completely different person around his friends, he jabs me in my stomach with this hands and laughs at me for saying “Ow!” He touches me in places I don’t want to be touched. And I can’t deal with it anymore... thank you :D

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Ananya, perhaps you and your mom can remind your dad of all the good things you do, and help him change his expectation that you should be 'perfect'. This would probably be an ongoing exercise.

      So, for instance, when he's telling you off for breaking one of his rules, just say 'It would be nice to be perfect, but I'm not.' And when he breaks his own rule, you could gently say, 'You've (done the same thing), but that's okay. We accept you're not perfect either.'

      If you and/or your mom does something he appreciates or admires, you could remind him, 'Yes, there's some things we're really good at. At the end of the day, that's got to count for something.'

      Look for gentle ways to help him change his way of thinking without angry confrontation.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Samuel, how old are you? And how late do you want to stay up? What other things does he stop you from doing? Kids of different ages should have different expectations. Tell me your honest age and I'll share my thoughts.

    • profile image

      Ananya 

      4 months ago

      my dad always sets "rules" that only apply to my mom and I. Yet he does the exact same thing. And if we ever call him out he:

      1. ignores us

      2. yells at my mom for "being a bad influence" yet he is the one who causes the issue

      3. blame's my school yet again it's just his bad parenting and anger issues

    • profile image

      Samuel 

      4 months ago

      My dad is a control freak. I tired ways to have a good relationship with him. When we have a convocation he turns it into’ a lecture. How what can I do he also doesn’t let me do things I want to do like stay up late I have my homework done complete have A’s.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      I've answered the most recent comments and started working my way back through comments that slipped past without giving me notification. If you read down through the comments and I've not responded to you yet, sorry. I'll write more tomorrow. :)

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Sarah, you don't have to be a 'believer' to be a good person. It sounds to me like you're making good choices in your life.

      Yes, he certainly sounds like a control freak. It is hard to imagine what right he thinks he has to check what's in your rooms now that you and your brother are adults. Especially when he's the visitor! I suggest you buy a filing cabinet you can lock, or something similar. Then if he challenges you, you can point out that you're adults now and it really is none of his business what you have in there.

      At 22 and living away from him, I think you should be able to begin standing up to him. If you're not comfortable challenging him (and I understand that might be the case), you could simply start ignoring him and 'blocking' him to encourage him to keep his distance and respect your space.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      To the kid with a dad living at his grandmother's house, I'm not sure why your comment was deleted by the administrators. Perhaps because the names you called your father or perhaps because you wrote the entire message in capital letters. I'm guessing 'both'. Anyway, here's my answer to you.

      You say your dad lets his emotions about his bad relationship with his own father get in the way of his relationship with you. I'm not sure how you could change that other than to try saying 'You're not your father. And I'm not you. So why can't we have a healthy relationship with each other instead of reliving his relationship with you?'

      If he has six kids all with different mothers, he clearly has a problem with commitment. Sadly, it will probably take some kind of 'miracle' to turn him into the kind of father you want (and deserve). But I'm counting on you to learn from your father's mistakes, not repeat them. When your time comes to be a parent, I trust you'll do everything different (and better) than your own dad's poor performance. You can succeed where he's failed. Please don't lose sight of that as you grow older.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Hi Ak. You're not the only one to wish you'd never been born into your family. Some people hit the jackpot with great parents, and others don't. I think one of the challenges for kids in your position is managing to keep yourself out of trouble. When you don't have supportive parents to help get you back on track, it is even more important to stay out of trouble.

      So I suggest you stay well away from weed and other drugs because if you end up in trouble with your school or the law (no matter how minor the infringement may seem) your dad is unlikely to intervene in a positive way. And your mother sounds like she couldn't cope.

      Remind your dad that the day will probably come when telephones come as microchips under our skin and are charged by movement, but until that day arrives a phone is just another thing we have to carry around. And sometimes the phone is out of reach or out of charge.

      Perhaps you can jolly him into feeling a little stressed about the phone by saying generations of parents had to cope before mobile cell phones were invented ... but I'm not sure how easy it is to be jolly about anything with your dad.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Tanu, you are 17 which is great news because your adult life is not far away. I'm glad you're good at your studies. I'm hoping you create a wonderful new life as an adult. I'd like you to have the chance to leave your dad in your dust. Don't let his influence slow you down or spoil your dreams. You can succeed, I'm sure of it.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Janessa, I understand your frustration. You're certainly not stupid. Lots of kids (and adults) have trouble with mathematics. He's a fool if he threatened to spank you for needing help with homework.

      Talk with your mom about the possibility of getting another phone if you think you need one, even if it is a really cheap phone only useful for calls and texts. You can get through the day just fine without needing an iphone 6.

      If your parents are still living together and your father really is cheating with two or three other women, I suspect you'll see some real fireworks at some stage when your mom finds out. You might ultimately get your wish of your mom finding someone else. That doesn't mean he'll be a great father-figure, but it would be nice if he is.

      Whatever happens, please work towards creating a positive future for yourself. Stay on top of your school work and homework because your education gives you good skills for when you're an adult.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Megan, does your dad go to work? Does he leave the house and function away from your family, or is he always locked away in his room?

      I understand your desperation to try and fix things but you know there’s no real ‘quick fix’, don’t you.

      I’m happy to chat with you and see if I can offer some ideas or understanding. First, however, I need a clue about how old you are, and your brother. I’m also interested in whether or not your mum has a job. How do your bills get paid?

      Does your dad have other family or friends who might be able to get involved? Anyone he listens to, or used to listen to? Your grandparents or an uncle, perhaps?

      I will certainly keep chatting with you but please don’t keep checking back expecting an instant reply. I try to write on this page at least every 24 hours, sometimes more often. But I have a lot of demands on my time and I’m juggling lots of things. So please don’t be disappointed if I don’t get straight back to you. (You can write as often as you like if things change while you’re waiting for me.)

      I’m saying this because I see now you wrote to me 11 hours ago. I hope you haven’t been anxiously waiting for my reply. Some kids are lucky and I see their comments quickly, but that doesn’t often happen. It is midnight here now. My crazy day didn’t allow me the chance to check for messages earlier, sorry.

      But stay in touch. I’ll try and help. :)

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Hi Lily. Thanks for your encouragement to all the other kids who read this page.

      I spend part of every day talking to kids with dads like yours and I hope they are getting the message to be better parents when their time comes. We should learn from our parents’ mistakes, not repeat them.

      I don’t believe you are evil for wishing your father would die. It is perfectly natural to dream of an end to a source of suffering. That doesn’t mean a child should plot to kill him of course, because that would be ‘evil’, but I understand the dream or the wish.

      I’m not quite sure if you’re saying you still live at home at 26. I hope not. You wouldn’t be ‘running away from home’ at 26. You’d just be moving out. I hate to think you might still be putting up with him in your mid 20s.

      If you are, I encourage you to apply for a job in a different city or state. Move far away from him and make a fresh start. Have fun, feel free, feel safe.

      Don’t stay at home because of your mom. She’s an adult and has to be responsible for her own decisions. In many ways I think it would do her good for you to move far away. She could come and visit you sometimes and experience the ‘freedom’ of being away from your dad. Perhaps she’ll follow your lead and decide to start her own new life. Who knows ... perhaps when you move far away your father might become a slightly nicer person, getting a wake-up call that he’s driven you away.

      You’re 26, Lily. Don’t let your dad continue to rule your life. Years are passing and you must not let your youth pass by without striving to achieve your own personal goals.

      Here’s a quote from a fabulous young woman called Gabrielle who wrote to me a few months ago. She’s now following her dream of becoming a neuroscientist after finally becoming strong enough to stop allowing her father to control/ruin her life ...

      ‘My dad now seems so figuratively small compared to the giant beast I used to perceive him as.‘

      I’m hoping you can reach that point too, Lily. Go confidently out into the world, create your own happy life, and your dad will seem less like a giant beast.

    • LongTimeMother profile imageAUTHOR

      LongTimeMother 

      4 months ago from Australia

      Hi Mike. Truth be told. your dad probably thinks you’re wrong 99% of the time as well, which is evidence that the two of you are on completely different pages. It would be much healthier if you could both see eye to eye at least half of the time.

      I’m going to give you a link to an article I wrote that I’d like you to read. See if you can introduce this concept for communication into your own home. Ideally you and your dad will each feel as though you have a chance to speak without interruption ... and be heard. Hope it helps.

      https://hubpages.com/family/Reducing-the-Need-for-...

    • profile image

      Megan 

      4 months ago

      My father never comes out of his room, like rarely, only to go to the bathroom. I barely talk to him because of this and it has severely ruined our relationship. He is very angry all the time and says that no one wants to talk to him. But when we go to him he pushes us away. He's always screaming at my little brother, who has adhd and odd so he doesn't really understand what's going on, and yells at my mother saying get the f*ck out. It's gotten so bad now that he kicked my mother out of their own bedroom and makes her sleep out on the couch. All my dad does is lay on his bed, watch Tv, well that's pretty much it tbh. I'm sick of his cruel words he says to us. Honestly I'm worried for him, he has gain a lot of weight over the past 2 years of him doing this to himself. I never see him and it's upsetting, I'm angry at him but I want things to change so we can be happy again. I got really fed up with him today because he made my mother upset, so because he doesn't want us to talk to him I sent him a text saying that how he's treating his family is wrong and he needs to change because we care about him. He has read the text but no reply. It's sad to say that because he is literally right across from me but the only thing blocking us is the door. Please, I really need advice right now.

    • profile image

      lily - vivi 

      4 months ago

      so.. I was thinking I was the only one.. but appears that I see my situation in all that comments ... my dad ? hm, traditional , religious , homophobic, sexist, racist , narcissistic , suuuper egocentric , sadistic, jealous,super control freak i think a bit psychopathic as well. he thinks he is the god, knows everything and has right of everything . I think with this diagnosis I said everything about his behaviors . he manipulates every time , he abuses psychologically all the family members .. and the most horrible thing is that i am 26 years old and still cant say aloud everything what i think, still afraid him because i dont feel safe. i really believe he can kill me if i dare to say everything , or to run away from home. till i was 13 years old he just didnt care about his children , but when he remembered about us he became real monster, taking us in the church by force , controlling us like a maniac . abusing my mom physically. he never beats me cause i always do what he wants and likes but it just made me so tired, so frustrated that sometimes i even wish him to die in a car accident , or by some disease and so on . maybe i am an evil to wish own father a death... but such kind of persons just don't deserve to live. they are toxic , they are poisons for everything and everyone ... but still, i see here comments of children and teenagers and i am already an adult who cant fight her monsters... wish you all of you piece and freedom , strength and it is known that when children grow and have their own children, they treat them like their parents were treating to them .. so please never copy your fathers behaviors , never .

      love ,

      Lily

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