How to Cope With Manipulative Family Members
Dysfunctional Schemes and Your Family
The list of social skills we learn through life experience is long. Learning ways to cope with scheming, manipulative family members is right at the top of the list. If you are fortunate, most of your family members are respectful and loving. Then, there is that person, or persons, who can't help but to manipulate. We get stuck with these dysfunctional family members, not wanting to bail on our families over one person. Most families have at least one of these people.
Instructions for Coping With Manipulative People
Follow these 5 steps to learn how to cope with manipulative family members.
- Find out which family members are victims of the manipulators tactics. Then communicate your concerns with them as a group.
- Contemplate what is really happening inside of your own mind. What are the intrinsic pieces of yourself, and which have become involuntary reactions to the manipulator. Are you thinking what you want to think, or what someone else wants you to think you want to think?
- Set boundaries with the manipulator. Once you have contemplated what is really you, and what the manipulator wants you to think is you, identify the boundaries between you and the person manipulation you. Then verbally and non verbally set boundaries. Focus on preventing the person from influencing your thoughts, feelings and actions.
- Choose the environment in which you engage the manipulator. The person who wants you to control them does it in a place that will make the end goal easier. They want you to be surrounded by others who will back them up, even if unknowingly. Choose a natural location when you are ready to set verbal boundaries.
- Have patience, and be the bigger person. A manipulator relies on patterns, to break these patterns takes time and effort. Be forgiving, and allow the manipulator time and space to change patterns. It is their choice though, so if they choose not to stop controlling others then have patience and understanding for yourself, and the decision you will have to make.
The sad truth is that many families experience the splintered effect at the hands of the scheming member. Walking away from your family is the last resort, even though sometimes necessary. Up until that point, it's imperative to use every tool in your social skills toolbox. You aren't likely to get the scheming person to change, but you may be able to set clear boundaries which they can not cross.
In the end, we care about them. They are family, and even if they play the kind of games most call drama, we still love them. That only resolves our center to find a way to learn help turn a manipulative relationship into a functional one.
What Is a Manipulator?
A manipulator is someone who uses social influence with intent to control how another person acts, thinks, feels and perceives the world around them. Manipulators try to get the victim to willingly choose conformity to ideas, emotional states or actions that create spesific outcomes for the person who is manipulating.
When someone manipulates us it is confusing. It usually feels pretty bad, although we can be mislead to think otherwise through the deception. The bottom line is that the person engaging in manipulation wants something, and they need your help to get it.
They don't want to stop to ask for your help, they want to take control and responsibility for your choices. Social influence happens, we all impact one another. We influence each other all the time.
Manipulators make a perfectly natural phenomena, such as social influence, and use it to their gain and benefit. Often, they don't take into account how the manipulation will harm the victims life .
Expanded Explanations for Family Coping Skills
The scheming family member isn't thinking about who their manipulation and lies hurt. The fact that they are scheming shows that the only person on their mind is themselves. Yet, the person with the most lies usually has the most to say. A consistent reminder that lies, selective communication and mistrusts is how they keep people blind to the truth.
The scheming person creates a trap for you and anyone else whose behavior or thinking process they want to change.
1. Find Out Who Is Affected by the Manipulation
You cannot let yourself react quickly. Stop to think who was involved, and who could get hurt. As you cope with the manipulator, think about yourself AND about all the who's that may get hurt. It's family, you will have to talk to the conspirator. For your sake and theirs, think carefully about how you communicate with the who's. Stay mature, and be the bigger person.
If the manipulation directly or indirectly affects more than one person, then the victims must communicate with each other to understand how the manipulator is stepping over the boundary of social influence and engaging in behaviors to get the victims to behave obediently.
Together, as a family, a solution can be thought up and implemented to help the person manipulating. The person who tries to take away freewill and choice from others is going to need help. They will have a difficult time understanding why they can't control you, and how freedom is being violated by their actions.
They probably will say they want what is best for you, or the other victims. To this you must respond that freedom means that each person is free to make their own decisions. Unless your under 18 and it is your parents, it is your right to make your own choices and to perceive the world around you without interference from someone who thinks they know better.
2. Contemplate What Is REALLY Happening in The Victim's Mind
Dealing with manipulation, especially from family, is traumatic. If you are a victim of a scheming smooth operator, you must take time for contemplation. Stop to identify what is really happening. The person dealing out the schemes wants you to adopt a defensive attitude. When people go on the defensive, it can blind them to the truth. The more blind a manipulative person can cause you to be, the more likely they get what they want.
The stories of manipulative people are well crafted. They intend to get what they want, and justify their behavior and actions. They must ensure others believe the justifications, and while they are aware of their negative behaviors, they may even convince themselves they're justifications are the reality.
They do not believe they are doing anything wrong. They don't believe they're the ones manipulating, and often will accuse their victim of being the person who is manipulating.
Since the manipulator is trying to mold your perceptions in to something more convenient for them, you must stop and understand how you really feel.
Identify your emotions, and dissect them with the intent to remove foreign invaders. Do the same thing with your thoughts and actions. Before you think or speak always ask yourself if you chose this of your free will, or if someone is influencing them in ways that are negative and counterproductive to your own intents.
3. When to Set Boundaries
Manipulative people act as if they are the victim. They want the actual victim to appear to be the victimizer. They weave their lies to cause the victim to respond quickly, without thinking.
Then, when their victim is frustrated and flustered, they can make themselves look as the victim. At this point they can ensure that you, and those around them, will feel guilty. Then they can repeat the cycle of manipulation as often as they want to.
When you have identified this cycle you can begin to understand when to set your boundaries. If you attempt to set your boundaries while you are trapped in a defensive position, you may likely fall into the trap and look like the bad guy.
This is why it is important not to act too quickly, but look at the situation as a whole. the goal is to remain calm, and remain polite. But to set firm boundaries with clear communication.
The when should be when you are ready, not when plotter tries to engage with their manipulating behavior. You must engage the manipulator on your own terms, and with emotions kept firmly in check.
4. Where to Engage
The manipulative person wants to look like the victim, so they will very carefully try to control where they push your buttons. The where it's directly relate to their scamming techniques. They want to be in territory which will make them look like the victim. There is no specific place where you should set your boundaries; however, you must be aware of the manipulation so that you can know the appropriate place to set those boundaries. You want to be on territory where you know you will be most effective, even though they will want the same thing.
Manipulative family members often strike at family reunions or gatherings. This way more people will see you being the bad guy. Always remember where you are, so that you can keep yourself from falling into a defensive position. You don't need to attack them, and you don't need to be defensive. You just need to show what your boundaries are by refusing to engage in such behavior.
5. Why to Be the Bigger Person
When dealing with a manipulative family member, you must have patience. It is important to stay aware and calm. It doesn't matter how angry you are, it does matter to remember why you must be the bigger person. It's about family, and trying not to hurt the people around you. Even though it's really the fault of the manipulative person, if they trap you in their game then you might also accidentally start hurting people around you. You don't want to hurt your family members.
You will find it is much easier to cope with manipulative person when you don't play their game. When you are being mature, calm and respectful your family will begin to see the truth. They will recognize who is really causing the trouble. They will begin to unravel the own feelings of guilt that the guilty manipulative person is actually causing.
By being the bigger person, you help set a good role model for other family members. Eventually, if enough family members begin to set clear boundaries, and refuse to engage in the manipulation, the person will be forced to begin to behave themselves in a socially acceptable way.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
How do I handle my sister when she tries to manipulate me by disobeying my parenting rules?
The first step is to attempt to clearly explain your parenting rules, and why it's important she sticks with them. If it's minor things, it might just be a difference in parenting philosophies. However, if she is intentionally disobeying your parenting rules as a manipulation tool, then there might be something more going on.
Children should never be tools of manipulation. If an adult is doing this, then you might talk to them about getting some help. A healthy adult may have different parenting styles, but they would not put the child in danger, which is what happens when you're using them to hurt or control another person.
There are many mental disorders which could cause an adult to take this inappropriate step. The National Institute of Health describes Antisocial personality disorder as 'a long-term of manipulating, exploiting, and violating rights of others.'
Ask yourself if your sister is just using a different parenting style. If you see a long-term pattern of exploitation and rights violations, then you may need to be more careful when exposing your kids to your sister. This is a good time to pull the family together to see if there is a way you can help your sister obtain mental health care.Helpful 15
© 2014 Beth Trent