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The Silent Suffering of Parent Abuse: When Children Abuse Parents

Updated on February 14, 2012

Joined: 8 years agoFollowers: 93Articles: 1

What is Parent Abuse?

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We have all heard of child abuse and how children are damaged by this terrible behaviour and you only have to Google "Child Abuse" to find page after page of information, support groups and advice on this subject, but, how many people have heard of parent abuse? Especially at the hands of teenage children with serious social interaction and violence issues? Google it. You wont find much, except on a few support sites.

It's a growing problem for parents who share their home with abusive young people and ther is virtually no support.

Spotting the Signs of Parent Abuse

Parent Abuse is a form of domestic abuse and is a serious problem which results in physical harm, depression, damage to property, job loss, and family breakdown. It is usually perpetrated by a child in their teens displaying the following behaviour towards you and members of your family. Signs include:

  • Threats of and/or physical violence including hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, slapping, biting, hair pulling with or without weapons or objects used as weapons.
  • Swearing and name calling
  • Intimidation
  • A constant refusal to do as been asked ( going to bed, coming home, asking friends to leave, cleaning up after themselves, not attending school/college/work) or contribute to the household or participate in normal family activities.
  • Bullying by text or phone
  • Stealing money or property or misuse of parents credit cards/phones/computers
  • Deliberate damaging of property
  • Threats of or actual violence to pets or other children of the household as a way of intimidation
  • Emotional blackmail
  • Drug/alcohol abuse in the home
  • Belittling parents in front of friends/other family members/public.

Many parents may recognise some of these signs as "normal" teenage behaviour, but those suffering from parent abuse have experience physical harm resulting in medical treatment or even death, damage to property, theft and bullying at the hands of their teenage children. This causes parents to lose complete confidence in themselves as parent and human beings, and is debilitating for the child as the parent loses complete control over the child, leading the teenager to be unsupported and in danger of losing out by not fitting into society.

Quite often, the child who is abusing the parent, does it wilfully and for enjoyment, since the ability for empathy and compassion is not present in the teenage psyche, and is a way of them dealing with anger management issues, psychological disturbances and hormones. Not all teenagers turn on their parents, but there is an increasing number that are.

Since children have been made more aware of their rights as a child, it has prevented parents from administering chastisement and punishments traditionally used to control rowdy and unacceptable behaviour. The Law is always on the child's side, through legislation in Child Protection, but there is nothing to protect parents from children who abuse their parents, and in the UK, as a parent you are legally responsible for that child. In most cases Social Services are not interested, unless the child has a long history of repeated offences of violence involving the Police. Schools often permanently exclude teenagers with behavioural issues, but since there is virtually no support for these kids or their parents they quickly turn to drugs and crime.

Parent Abuse is not restricted to certain social groups, it can affect single and two parent families equally. It is usually the mother (or the main caregiver) who is most affected, but other children in the family and fathers suffer too.

What Causes Teens to Turn on Their Parents?

Many people consider Parent Abuse to be the result of bad parenting, neglect or the child suffering abuse themselves, but many teen abusers have had normal upbringing and have not suffered from these issues.

My personal belief is that as a society, we are not teaching our children respect, love and care. We are allowing them to be subjected to violence on TV, Film and music, and violence is considered "normal". Drugs and Alcohol can play a huge part, as can gang culture. Social deprivation is another factor, as is many teens not having adequate role models or enough input from male members of society. The breakdown of the family unit and increasing numbers of children who have poor or non existent relationships with an absent parent, debt, unemployment and parental drug/alcohol abuse are also contributory factors on Parent Abuse.

What Can you Do?

Firstly do not suffer in silence and take back control. You do not have to give your power away and you can put a stop to this abuse.

If you are suffering from Parent Abuse you must recognise that you are not at fault and do not deserve this, as with any form of abuse. Speak to a friend, or your GP, or contact a domestic abuse support group. Seek professional help.

Confront the child with his/her behaviour, calmly and tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate it any more. Explain that what they are doing is abuse ( be prepared for them to turn the tables on you and abuse you further) and explain that they need professional help. Re- assure them that you still love them, but this is the end of the line. Remove all privileges, rights to mobiles computers, video games, money etc and refuse to be a taxi service. If they refuse to come home, report them as missing to the police, and get them picked up in a squad car. Sometimes Police intervention is enough of a wake up call for them.

If you feel that you can still communicate with your child, seek mediation, and explain that you will not tolerate this behaviour. Lay down some ground rules, regain control of yourself and absolutely stick to them!. If you tell your child that if you are hit again, you will call the Police, and have them arrested. Don't call their bluff, do it. They need to see that you mean business.If your child physically harms you, steals from you or damages property, involve the Police immediately and PRESS CHARGES! Dial 999 and report an assault. Its tough love we are talking about here!

Try not to retaliate by hitting back unless in absolute self defence, and disarm them if the come at you with a weapon. Many many abusers will ring social services to claim you have hit them, and the Law comes down on their side every time. You will be prosecuted for hitting your child and your child will be placed on an "at risk" register as will any other children in your household.They may even be removed, which can be good news if the offending child is removed but unfair for the siblings or for you. If in doubt and under threat of violence, call the police. Invariably, Social Services will not be interested at all, unless you are yourself a drug abuser/alcoholic or violent towards your child, in which case, they will put the child on the "at risk" register, and seek to remove the child for its own safety.

See? No support for parents who suffer from appalling behaviour from teenage children who are often physically bigger and stronger than the parent.

Seek help from extended family and friends, and see if they can offer to give you respite by taking the child from you for a few days.

Get in touch with Parentline Plus, a UK organisation dedicated to helping parents with their issues. You can call them on 0808 800 2222. Visit their website and look on the message boards for help and support groups in your area.They often run groups which offer practical support and tips of parenting difficult teens. You can meet with other parents who are in the same boat as you and find support there.

Approach your GP and your child's school and have your child referred to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, or refer them yourself, informing them that you are suffering Parent Abuse.

Keep a journal of events, with dates, times etc., or a video diary, and film your child when it is abusing you (you can use your mobile phone or digital camera). Often, when faced with media of their own behaviour, it can shock them into accepting help from professionals.

Get therapy for yourself and your family.

If none of these work, then the last resort is to exclude the child at 16 years old from the family home, and change the locks. Its tough love, but you cannot continue to allow this behaviour to go on without resolving it. You owe it to your child to teach them that abuse is unacceptable and be excluded from the home is their behaviour continues.

*******************************FEBRUARY 2012******************************************************

It seems to me that those who are suffering need some place to find each other and connect, so you can all help each other out. How do people feel about me setting up a facebook page where you can all connect and help each other?
If you are concerned about your anonymity, you can of course set up a separate account at facebook, just for this purpose. I would not want anyone to compromise themselves. If I get enough feedback, I'll set one up, and post the link here for you to follow.
sending you all a massive hug. I do know what you are going through. I have walked the walk myself, though these days, I realise that what I have been through may not have been at the level that some of you are going through, but the emotional outcome is just the same.
Be brave, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Sending huge love out there to all who are reading this and suffering in silence.


I have tried to update the links section, but the Hupages Police will not let me put the links in that direct you to useful sites, and as such, Hubpages Police are actively preventing you from accessing them from this page stating that they contain pop ups, ads for viagra etc. I have checked all of the links personally and they do not contain any of them, so i suggest you clear off this site and google them yourself. Use the search "parent abuse" and you should find all of the ones I tried to add on the first three pages.

If I leave the links in they refuse to publish this hub, which attracts 1200 hits a month from abused parents, so I have removed them all, and left in the ones that you used to be able to access. By refusing to publish this hub, they are giving the impression that they do not want you to access information to help yourself out of the hellish nightmare you are in.

Allegedly, a "human" reads all hubs and they are monitored, so to the human reading this who sanctioned this hub after I tried to add more useful links, well done, you prevented me from helping people. Hope you are proud of yourself. If I have to pull every single link out of here, I will, just to keep this hub running for people who have nowhere else to turn to.

Since I wrote this article two years ago, more and more of you are coming forward and speaking out about this ever increasing GLOBAL issue. I have read messages from parents from all over the globe, heartbreaking stories and personal accounts of horrific abuse. It is time we all came out of the closet, together and shouted with one voice : STOP!

Do not suffer in silence. Suffering in silence condones the behaviour.
We rally for child abuse victims.
We rally for disabled abuse victims.
We rally for domestic abuse victims and battered spouses, both male and female
We rally for sexual abuse victims
We rally for abused gay people
We rally for abused animals
We rally for abused environments and the abused planet


Because nobody knows of the abuse because its victims stay silent.
Speak out to help not only yourself, but those who do not have the courage that you have.

This article is rated 2nd in popularity in the google search "parent abuse"

As of Feb 2012, over 26,000 people have viewed this page.

It currently has 97 comments, read them, please. For those with the courage to tell there story, there are thousands who do not.
The key to escaping this abuse is to recognise that you are far from being alone, you are one of THOUSANDS who need help.

Its time we stood together, with one voice and one heart.
You are valued, and you are loved, if by nobody else, then by me, and all of the other people here, who have told their stories.

I am currently researching for a new article I am writing about how we deal with this as a society, and what the authorities, health professional and the judiciary systems should be doing to help abuse survivors.

You are not a victim.
You are a survivor, and you deserve respect and love.
Speaking out IS empowerment.
They only win, when you give up.

huge hugs to all,

Lou x


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    • Lisa HW profile image

      Lisa HW 7 years ago from Massachusetts

      Important information, but I think readers should realize that the only behavior in that list that would be considered "normal teen behavior" would be "constant refusal to do as asked" (which is sometimes not so much refusal, as "not getting around to it yet"). None of the rest of that behavior is particularly "usual teen behavior". Some teens will "mouth off", so that's common; but it isn't what all do. The rest of the behavior is a real sign of trouble.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 7 years ago from Southwest UK

      You would be surprised to hear that Social Services in the UK deem all of that behaviour "normal teen behaviour" . They only class it as unusual when it is prolonged. Its far more common than people realise and parents need to start speaking out and coming forward if they are suffering. It is not just a case of "bad parenting". If that was the case then families with more than one child would suffer parent abuse from all of their kids, not just from the abusing one.

      Thanks for your comments

    • A Hopeson 7 years ago

      The Police are excellent and supportive, but despite months of violent and criminal acts, social services seem unclear what to do. Parenting classes are not much help when a 14year old is absent from the home more than present and only turns up to take money or food!

      We have tried not to suffer in silence, but there seem to be know answers when you ask for help!!

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 7 years ago from Southwest UK

      Thank you for your comment and I understand what you are going through. Social Services are not interested in dealing with type of issue ayou say, they are unclear or unwilling to deal with these issues. And there is no help, except from the police. It is hard to comprehend that the small baby you have loved and raised turns on you and is unrecognisable, but you do have to administer tough love, even if it means locking your valuables away. You do have a legal obligation to care for the child until it is 16 years old, at which point you can expell them from the family home. The key is finding support from others in your situation. If no groups are available, then it may be worth considering setting one up yourself in your area. Get in contact with your local high schools, and explain that you would like to publicise your group to other parents, advertise on community notice boards and in your local newspaper and volunteer centres. getting advice from domestic abuse support groups is also a great help. Sometimes, just meeting people who are going through what you are experiencing is a great way to share your frustrations. I find that when the young person is confronted with what they are doing publicly, and they realise that the threat of expulsion is very real, they often change their ways. And I agree, parenting clases are not much help. It is other parents going thru the same thing that will be the most help to you. find a local group by contacting Parentline plus, or speak to one of their staff for help. They really are experienced in this type of abusive behaviour and maybe able to offer some practical solutions. Counselling for yourself is a good way of dealing with the emotional destruction and for rebuilding your confidence. I know its hard, butthese kids need love. Theyreally have lost all respect for everything, including themselves when they get tlike this. Reassuring them that you still love them, but will not tolerate the behaviour is a good standpoint to start from. Confiscate permanently their possesions. Computer, mobile phones, CD collections, computergames are all high on their list of priorities. Also, have you considered that there maybe an underlying mental health/drug problem that you are not aware of? You do have the power to go down this route and even have them sections if you feel that their behaiour warrants it. They are minors, and though the Law comes down on their side, you do have more power over them than you realise. Speak to the Police Community Officers for advice, and your GP to back up your claims for help from Social Services. They do have links to the probation and youth offenders counselling services. Maybe they can help.My thoughts are with you. Good luck!

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      This is an issue that is not spoken of. I believe that society has been numbed to violence through video games, movies, news (paper, internet and radio), war coverage, internet site and so forth. Unfortunately, the mast majority of the targetted audience is our youth -- young adolescents and young adults. Without proper guidance and reinforced rules, it is easy for youth to engage in such behavior. This is a forewarning sign of where society is headed.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 7 years ago from Southwest UK

      The issue is, that as parents we have had our rights to raise our children as we see fit, and to chastise unacceptable behaviour removed by the nanny state. It is virtually impossible to discipline your children effectively without infringing so called human rights and Child Protection Legislation. While I am all for childhood protection and I wish the social services and the authorities would enforce it correctly as in the appalling cases of Victoria Climbie and baby P, I do think it has gone too far, and is completely confused. Parents and children, and the authorities are not all singing from the same song book. As far as violence, media et al is concerned, yes it is a desensitisation programme aimed at the young people and children, for the atrocities perpetrated on society which are coming. It normalises this sort of behaviour and makes it acceptable, yet that does not been it is right. I love the analogy of if everyone went around and regularly beat someone else over the head with a large piece of would society would deem this "normal" behaviour, but, and here's the rub, it does not make it the right behaviour! The time has come, for parents to take control of their own lives and be responsible, by challenging the rules of a society which has totally lost the plot, for the sake of their own safety and sanity and the safety of their children and families.

      The Manic Street Preachers wrote a song a few years ago called "if you tolerate this, then your children will be next". It is time to stand up and be counted! If you have never heard it, you can listen to it here.

    • rita anstee 7 years ago

      Trying to find help for my daughter who is being abused by her 13year old daughter is very difficult. social services were called as my daughter hurt her thirteen year old as she was defending herself from the onslaught of her child. this child is very angry and hates being told no; this has gone on since she was five and no one seems to care. having found this sight has been a help for me just to know that other parents are going through the same heartache

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 7 years ago from Southwest UK

      rita anstee: I do hope that you can find some solidaity with other parents and grandparents. This is a thorny issue which no-one wants to speak about. Social Services are not interested unless it is the parent hurting the child. I know its really difficult for your daughter, I have dealt with this myself and with other parents. The Police are very supportive when it comes to kids who are abusing their parents, and in a lot of cases, if the parent reports the attack as an assault and the child is hauled down to the police station, it does shock them into accepting help. Its hard to understand why they are so angry and why they turn, but maybe there is more going on with her than you may realise and she cannot articulate herself to talk about why she is so angry and just becomes aggressive. You do feel like you are the only ones going thru it but let me assure you that you are not. Parentlineplus message boards are full of people in your daughters position, and reading some of their stories makes you realise just how common it is. People need to know what is happening and parents need to take back control. the first step to that is making society aware of the problem, that way everyone is aware, and then peer pressure starts to mount on these kids, because we wont accept their behaviour. Sending you some love and to your daughter, because I know how hurtful and frustrating it is, especially when all you have is love for the child, and I know how quickly that love can turn to hate, and you end up hating yourself in the process. Its the helplessness of the situation that is so exasperating. I do hope you can find some practical help, and maybe other parents who are going through it themselves locally who can support each other. Love and light x

    • A Hopeson 7 years ago

      Just had to endure child protection procedures !!!

      Fortunately every member of the vast panel on hearing the many police and school details commented that it seems that 'the family need protection from this emotionally damaged child.'

      Fortunately we were not seen as perpetrators but as victims .... no one has the answer!!


    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 7 years ago from Southwest UK

      A. Hopeson: I am pleased you have had some recognition that you are not the "perpetrator". Unfortunately this issue is becoming more prevalent on modern society. As it becomes more prevalent the infrastructure to deal will this will become more available. There are people who will listen, but there is no strategy in place to deal with it. Here's hoping you are going to get the help and support you so desperately need.

      Stay strong, there will be some resolution in the end.

      Light and love x

    • AGraves 7 years ago

      Sadly this is not limited to only teens. My daughter, who is almost 6 years old, is abusive. She does a number of things on that list, and when she is hurting me, the look on her face is one of frightful enjoyment. We have tried therapy for over 2 years now, as she had acute PTSD. And still, most of the time, the tools they gave me do not work. It is difficult to know when she will act out, as her fits of rage and abuse can be triggered by even the smallest of things. The hardest part: she is one big sweetie most of the time. But when she flips.. it is becoming increasingly dangerous. Honestly, I am grasping at straws any more trying to help her, and figure out how to keep her, myself and her brother safe. Medication isn't an option either, as most on the market are not approved for children her age. It worries me that is things are not brought to some sort of control, as she gets older she will only become more dangerous to herself and others.

      And trying to find information that is helpful is near impossible. So if anyone else is in the same boat, I would really like to hear back.

    • James Ginn profile image

      James Ginn 7 years ago from Ohio

      Thank you for the informative and well-researched article. I am a law enforcement veteran and can add that, in most instances, law enforcement are the last to be informed of an abuse situation. Hopefully, that will not continue to be the case. Again, thank you.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 7 years ago from Southwest UK

      A. Graves: You are fortunate in one respect, your daughter is young enough to be helped. Firstly have you considered her diet? Removing all processed foods, refined sugars etc will help. I find many young children's behavioural issues stem from their diet. Removing sugar coated breakfast creals, squash drinks and soda pop, cookies, cakes and candy etc (unless they are home made), processed meats and microwaves meals are all full of additives and hidden sugars that can send kids off the wall. Try to give her "basic" foods like fruits and vegetables and lean meat and fish, getting her to help prepare the foods and trying new foods each day. So if you remove cookies one day and introduce bananas/oranges as a substitute, and make it interesting, like finding out where they grow, and what foods you can make with them etc, this will give her a distraction from wanting the cookies etc. So many kids have a sugar addiction and my kid was no different. When my daughter was 6 she was an absolute nightmare. She was overweight due to a hereditary gene problem and she was physically too big for me to pick her up, and she knew it. She made our lives hell. She actively enjoyed causing us all harm, and she had suffered abuse at the hands of my ex partner whom I ejected from the family home. However, with perseverance with good behaviour reinforcement, diet and distraction activities we did get there, and she is now a wonderful 12 year old. Its tough love, but removing toys, tv and videogames do work. You MUST be consistent with your boundaries, or she will not get the message, and I cant stress the importance of routine. One other thing I must ask you to try, as difficult as it is, is to stay calm and do not get drawn into the arguments and fights she picks with you. Remember that as much as she displays pseudo-adult behaviour, she is still a child, with child emotions and understanding, and you are the adult. She is looking to you for answers in a world that frustrates her and angers her, and from her perspective you are not giving her the answers she needs. Its hard for these children to trust people, so you must show even more love to her than you probably would normally, to help her feel secure. I know how difficult that might seem when you have had an awful day with them and are struggling with your own feelings toward her. The outbursts are just her way of trying to regain some control in her life when she has been traumatised, and as damaging and as upsetting as they are to you and your family, you can win through this one. It will be hard, but you can do it, and the fact that she can be a real sweetie shows that all is not lost and you have something to work with. When she is in a receptive and happy mood, reinforce the message that its the behaviour you don't like, not the child. Reinforce the message that when she is being happy everything goes well for her, and she can have the treats etc and your time and attention. Plan days out/activities at home and give her goals to work towards. If she is the sort of child that seems to have a lot of energy, then find an activity which burns this off, and make it a part of your routine. Try working with the things she is positive about. I must also stress how important it is for you yourself to have support and somebody to talk to about your own emotions on this. Struggling along with the burdens of parenthood, everyday life and a difficult child is not easy, see if you can get some respite for her from a friend or family member even if its only for an hour a week, so that you can have a break. I hope this has been a help to you. Let me know how you get on. Light and love to you x

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 7 years ago from Southwest UK

      James Ginn: Thank you for your comments. Its always interesting to hear about this issue from someone who has had to deal with it in an official capacity. Many of the police officers I have spoken to believe that too many rights of parents to chastise their own children have been taken away resulting in out of control behaviour by teens and parents legally unable to enforce self defence and property protection. Where I live, its a smaller community and the police are quite used to responding to calls from teens alleging abuse of a parent that has hit them out of exasperation, when they have repeatedly abused their own parents. Often, the teen is the one who has to be taken to the police station for abusing the police officer when they don't get their own way of having the parent arrested, often accompanied by the abused parent! What these teens don't realise is that most of the officers are parents themselves and can spot an abusive teen or parent at a hundred paces. Usually its the behaviour and language of the teen who has made the allegation which the officers pick up on straight away to see who the real injured party is. That is not to say that some cases of alleged abuse by parents are not genuine, but the law does seem to favour in the teens viewpoint and parents often have no support.

    • James Ginn profile image

      James Ginn 7 years ago from Ohio

      You have an extraordinary grasp of the issue. I have spent countless hours at the scene of alleged domestic violence only to end up arguing with a teen about the difference between discipline and abuse. Again, outstanding article.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 7 years ago from Southwest UK

      Thank you for your comments James. I think because I have experienced this issue both first and second hand, the experiences have given me the tools and information to help others in the same situation. I am trying to raise awareness of this issue in an effort to help what I see as a lost generation. There are far too many teens out there without the benefit of trustworthy guidance, and considering the world these kids have to exist in, I don't blame them for behaving the way they do. The thing is, unless we educate these kids to follow a path in life which creates balance and harmony for themselves and others, then this is just going to continue. Someone has to be brave enough to break the cycle of abuse.

    • Camelia 6 years ago

      I am so relieved to find this website and other parents sharing their experience.

      I have suffered from my 16 years adopted son, to the point I was going to end my life last year just to silence my pain from the constant verbal abuse and insolent behaviour. he made me run into £1000s in debt and he had absolutely no remorse. he broke the fridge, he hits the walls and the sofas, he broke chairs and tables, he was abusive to my sister and friends, yet I hoped he'll improve.

      I involved social services and with a broken heart resolved to let him go; but all that happened they put us into hours and hours of councelling that exonerated his rights and left me feeling even more of a culprit and a failure.

      Because I am still legally responsible, I accepted the fact that I'll control the situation as much as possible and let him go at 18 years. Though I doubt if he'll choose to leave on his own accord, having lived a life of luxury on my hard work's earnings.

      Some legal organisation must stand up to bring back the right of parents to punish (without excess) such behavior. Or to organise camps in every area when these kids are placed for rehab for few weeks before letting back into society.

    • Daisy 6 years ago

      So encouraged to find this site as I have tried to bring up 2 adopted girls for 10 years - it broke up my marriage and their behaviour has always been off the scale but I kept on thinking I should stick with it and do the right thing. Just had enough as the teenage years are too much added pressure and the constant threats and violence are too much to handle. The police tried to discourage me from pressing charges but the social services have tried their best to support me. Despite hoping I'll have my daughters back they do accept that I have come to the end of the road and cannot be safe or indeed protect my girls. I just need to deal with the sadness inside now and that will take time.

    • ramkkasturi profile image

      ramkkasturi 6 years ago from India

      A good posting on an important subject. I assume "abuse" need not be limited to physical abuse? Drinking and smoking in presence of children also could be considered abuse?.

      I refer to this in my postings here in hub pages. Any suggestions?

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 6 years ago from Southwest UK

      ramkkasturi: Abuse has many forms both physical and non physical.

      As for drinking and smoking in the presence of children being considered as abuse, I am failing to see the relevance here in my post, since I am referring to abuse perpetrated by the children against their parents, not what parents do to children. There is much written about adults who abuse children, but virtually nothing about children who abuse parents.

      I am sure that you could start a debate about what constitutes abuse to children, but for this hub, it is detracting from the issue of children who abuse parents.

      I would however agree that children who drink and smoke in the presence of their parents when asked not to, would be committing an abuse against their parents by subjecting them to smoky air and all the negative behaviour that goes with drinking, if the child was being violent through alcohol and smoking drugs.

    • Lily100 6 years ago

      A child is much more than someone’s biological son or daughter. A child is a Soul in incarnation and without entering the esoteric subject we’re going to meet many personality traits inherited from the parents and unique particular characteristics. We admit easily that there are beautiful children, intelligent children, sensitive children, talented children, but we cannot talk about malicious, manipulative, nasty and abusive children without feeling that we have somehow committed a capital sin. And I don’t mean labeling human beings that can always change to some extent, but admitting the truth and the facts. Children have an energy of their own that fully manifest and sometimes this energy is very conflictive and sharing part of your life with them can really be a disagreeable or painful experience.

      Most of the nowadays adults were simply born with a sense of respect that was later cultivated, sometimes in a very unhappy way, I agree, but it was simply there most of the times. Youngsters today seem no to have it in their system…

      The lack of life experience does not always mean purity and innocence and one may have a great surprise when discovering a very different personality in a child that the one that society and psychology books talk about. I agree that responsibility and love are needed along the journey, but also recognizing children as owners of their particular personality chosen in this life would help those whose task is to help them along the way. Some of their negative traits are not the result of their interaction with adults that fail in offering enough love and support, they are simply there and the adults need to learn how to help the child to handle them.

      Childhood is just a stage in the evolution of the human being and some children simply have awful personalities, negative traits that sometimes exceed in intensity, development and manifestation those of the adults that share their life with them. While most of the children are wonderful to spend time with, there are also cases when sharing your time with them can be painful and disturbing. Just like when interacting with another human being and one is prepared to love and give as we should always do, children can really challenge one’s good nature. We end up growing as human beings but not without paying a big price.

    • Catherine 6 years ago

      Trying to understand, I was emotionally abused as child, my mother had OCD and my father an alcoholic and I was the bad child in the family, got married and pregnant at 16, had 4 by 23. A single parent by 24.and still abused by parents and siblings. Became an alcoholic, made huge mistakes with my kids. Started noticing things my kids say belittling me, talking down to me. I got sober and tried to things right and did my best but wasn't good enough. The kids just got worse. When I got sick was told to drop dead by all and haven't seen them in years. I have tried to reach out all, I tried to stay in touch with my grandchildren to no avail and it wasn't long before they wouldn't speak to me either. Today not one member of my family will speak to me despite efforts all efforts to make amends..I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship for 15 yrs. I know I made horrible mistakes but wonder if they were unforgivable ones or are they still being abusive to me. The last time I was told by my grand daughter if I ever called again she would beat me to death, I believed her and would never call again...It's so bad my sister-in-law laughs when I've tried to talk to her about abuse. I'm still the families door mat. Anyone ever heard of one person in generations of a family being the out cast?

    • ms barr 6 years ago

      Again i have pressed charges on my fifteen year old son for criminal damage. Before he put a knife to me and my partner and we had put our son into care for the safty of himself and the safty of the other two children within the house hold.

      My son has a 9month order for the knife attack and because he has now committed criminal damage second time round i contacted the youth offending team whom my son has an order with to be told that they cannot do any thing for my son even though he is my sons probation officer. They said that i had the responciability to take my son back into our house hold even though my argument was that ourselves and our small children are at risk from his actions.

      But i want everyone who is reading this that i don't care if it is upto to me to take my son back because i will not be forced by any sad law to go through life have to be abussied mentaly or physically by anyone what ever age they are. TAKE ME TO COURT! Put me in prison but i will not be forced to put up with this behaviour any more and all parents must make that stand for the law to change.

      The law is controdictory. They say you have parent responciability and then they say you have PR for keeping your other children safe from the abuser whether he is 14 - 50 yrs of age. I say make your mind up social services cause your all bloody useless. And i can say that cause i ust to work for the probation service and the legal system.

    • candy 6 years ago

      excuse my spelling mistake i am so angry that's all and having got the care to right correctly at the moment through being on the telephone all day today arguing with social services and the like in their own sad little lingo that they put on to make the victim feel wrong for the abuser.

      this society makes me sick especially when i have done all i can to be a great understanding caring parent. like others have said that's not a good thing. if i was a heroin addict they would jump to help me just as those who work and receive no financial help but those that are unemployed receive it all. what a mess society has become.

      please all excuse my bitterness i am sure i will be alright tomorrow but i will not be taking my son back that i am addiment on.

    • MM 6 years ago

      There is no help for us abused parents. My daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD - and the more unusual PDA - Pathaological Avoidance Disorder. What use are labels? - she basically lacks the cognative skills that tell her what is acceptable / logical etc. The result - she abused my ex until I had to chose between her or him when she was only 2.

      Nowadays she is 8 and constantly attacks me. I try to stay calm - get out of the way etc but she is very strong and I am dreading what she will be like as a teenager.

      She is rude, disobedient, physically aggressive, mentally abuse and a bully. At school - she is generally ok - at home - HELL.

      She knows that if I bruise her - she can contact the police etc - but if she hurts me there is no official recourse. I have spoken with many health professionals whose advice would probably work on a "normal" child - but it is impossible to know where her anger / behaviour is made worse by her other problems. I cut out most additives years ago as these definitely made her worse but she hates fruit and veg - so that leaves fwe options!

      She has medication for ADHD which helps but it does not help with the abuse of me, her Mum. You can see the enjoyment on her face when she hurts me .. so sad. I have tried showing my emotion ie how much she is hurtine me, ignoring the pain, walking away, asking for a cuddle quietly. No strategies seem to work and there is no one left to help.

    • Me 6 years ago

      To MM:

      Your daughter is terrified of something. The fact that it started so early tells me that for sure. I have a feeling she has been abused by someone. She is attacking you because she is angry at you that you haven't noticed. You are her mum and you are meant to protect her, that is how she feels. The fact that she is OK at school tells me it is specifically YOU she has a problem with. The only reason that could be is she feels you are not being a proper caring parent. And the only reason she could possible feel that way is because something has happened to her that has traumatised her and you haven't noticed or done anything about it. Do something.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 6 years ago from Southwest UK

      @MM I am inclined agree with @ME.

      At 2 years old, children often displaying abuse are often victims of trauma. Their abuse of people is their frustrations and anger at a world where they only know hurt. Sadly, until she is old enough to comprehend her own history, you won't know. I speak from personal experience, being that child. Diagnosis is not always correct and drugs administered to children so young have adverse effects compounding their behaviour. Drugging kids is not the answer in the long term.

      Labels are of no use and cause harm to the child, and are self fulfilling.

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

      As a parent it can be difficult raising good adults. When the children are being told as early as 1st grade that they should call 'this' number if they feel their parents aren't treating them right... What 1st grader isn't going to call when they aren't allowed dessert or to play outside after misbehaving? All it takes is one of those phone calls to get the ball rolling, and parental rights slowly stripped away.

      Great Hub and good subject!

    • ms. Bunnie 6 years ago

      I just want to thank-you all for the input of this topic. I'm a single mom of six boys and my youngest who is sixteen have me regreting ever having children period. After reading other people stories I feel that I can finally get some type of support and help.Never would I thought this would be me for my five other sons are respectful and received their diplomas. This son don't want to finish school has a son and haven't been home in three days. He appear to be very angry abusive verbaly, punching doors. I'm blamed for everything he's had more and bless than any of my other sons. I didn't come with instructions but, Iv'e done my best. I ask all that read this please pray for my son and me. Thank-you again

    • Lynsey 6 years ago

      I found reading this very interesting as I work for a charity that deals with Domestic Abuse and we are getting more and more referrals for young people who are abusive to their parents. We try and support the families effected but due to the current financial worries funding is an issue. It is a shame how so many people are suffering but statutory services seem unable to offer the correct support.

    • kristy 6 years ago

      my now 18 yr old has many mental issues & the verbal & physical abuse started 3 1/2 yrs ago, her father has not been in the home since she 3. ive allways worked, took her to church & tried to raise her with morals & everything she needed. she has been on probation, in a girls home twice, till finally things escalated and i let the state take her 10 months ago. she would damage my personal belongings, take things of mine & hide them, name calling, belittling, hitting, ect. she has been in & out of counseling past 3 1/2 yrs, on medication. well we finally got her to graduate high school while in states custody, she has been released back in my care for about 4 weeks now.ive had to keep on her to take her medication, do chores, homework, looking for a job, & even bathing her self. the abuse has started back again, she has cursed many times, and called me names & beliitled me.i told her to leave last night, she went to my sisters home, i told her i will not & do not have to allow her to live in my home like this( she turned 18 in april ).not sure what is going to happen from here, yet ive done all i can & i do not understand why she does this??

    • Gigi 6 years ago

      Lou Purplefairy - thank you for your common sense. I have an abusive nearly 16 year old. He used to be a lovely pre-teen but we had family traumas (death and illness)and he turned overnite. Add this to the 'normal' teen hormones and you have my son!.

      I really don't believe it is acceptable to be physically, verbally and emotionally abused. I have to lock my handbag etc in my bedroom and then get strangled by the key on the chain with the key around my neck. My son barrackading me in a room while he brandishes a blade. He has stolen items to sell, phones, money, credit cards. Please don't judge people, this could happen to anyone and all the 'experts' say I have got it right. Unfortunately we are a couple and therefore lies division!. Its good cop bad cop. He knows I mean business but his Dad is unsure. I begged him to ring the police earlier (I was pinned down)but he didn't. After 32 years this may break up our marriage.

      But at least I don't feel quite so alone.

    • Jose 6 years ago

      I agree 110% with all you parents; I am also in the same shoes, looking for some authority that will help us from your children that have turned on us. We need to be united to fight this situation. I have an email to start shearing

      You may email your comment.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 6 years ago from Southwest UK

      Since I wrote this last year, some 8000 people have read this. Some brave parents and carers have shared their stories of personal experience here and to date there are over 30 comments.

      For every parent who is suffering and has read this, and shared their views, there are a couple of hundred that have not. This is an issue which is becoming increasingly common. Please help and support each other and don't suffer alone, because, you realy realy, are not!

      Blessings and love x


    • Bard of Ely profile image

      Steve Andrews 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Lou, this is a really excellent hub and one I can relate to personally as I have had problems with my own son in his teenage years when I felt, and it was observed by others, that he was picking on me, bossing me about, and thought it was funny. I used to get so fed up and ended up thinking I was no good as a parent. I also did stuff I wasn't interested in just to shut him up eg he was into body building and weight training and used to insist I did all these exercises too. I can see the sense in it from a health viewpoint but it wasn't what I would have done if he hadn't kept on at me. I didn't see any need to have muscles showing in my arms or a six-pack. He said it would get the women. It never did! He did things to deliberately annoy me too: such as putting objects in my bed and then when I had gone to bed call out from his room asking if I had found anything in it. When I responded he would laugh. I accepted it as his idea of a joke but I didn't like it at the time!

    • ... 5 years ago

      this thing is weird i've never heard of anything like this the statistics must be very low for this kind of thing i feel bad for people who this happens to though it should be taken seriously

    • lucy 5 years ago

      Hmmm I think I know somebody like this. They are getting help and such and I am fortunate this never happened to me. I hope people deal with this stuff.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 5 years ago from Southwest UK

      Parent abuse is as serious as child abuse and is a form of domestic violence.

      The statistics are "low"because people do not come forward and do not report it. Subequently the "authorities" do not have any data and therefore, it does not exist, yet I have heard from thousands of people who have experienced this form of abuse.

      Raise awareness and get help. Lets show this society that we live in that we will not tolerate this type of behaviour from anyone, and we will not display this type of behaviour to anyone. I have heard from nay social workers who have to deal with enquiries on this matter but have no protocol to deal with it. I hear the same story from the police, and from educators and school staff.

      For the love of Humanity, it is tie that these people who are sufferring are taken seriously.

      The sad fact is, it is not just the parent, but the WHOLE FAMILY INCLUDING THE PERPETRATOR OF ABUSE who are suffering and they NEED HELP NOW.

      I have had to deny a comment from a young girl, but is too young to use the website. This kid is suffering too and she has no one to turn to and I have no way of being able to conatct her. I can only say and I know she will be reading this and I have protected her identity, you must go and seek help from another family member or a family friend. This family and many families like them are suffering from a lack of support. Not from the Authorities, but from us! We are the community, so what are we doing to try and support these families. These are the people who live in your neighbourhood and yet you do nothing to help.

      Talk to each other and you will find that you have more in common than you think. And its the Moms I am speaking to here. Go out there and knock on your neighbours door. Ask for help, and if they turn you away, knock on the next door and the next. One will open, and standing there will be someone who understands and can give you the space to think that you need. A safe place to talk and regain your inner power.That person is a friend you have not yet met, and they are writing for you to call on them.

      Anonymous Young Girl Writes:


      I am a daughter of a mother who is abused by my older sister. I have brought this subject up many times with my mom. She claims she is "getting help", and understands the situation, but every day I see her giving in to my sister's unrealistic demands. My sister also has mental disabilities so my mother says not to tell police or friends because she can't help it or she's afraid they'll take her away to a hospital. I came here looking for support. I'm scared my mom will get seriously injured some day. My sister abuses my mother in the following ways.

      Name Calling

      Property Damage

      Hair Pulling


      Taking Away Items From Her

      Throwing Items

      Threats to Commit Suicide

      Claims She Hates My Mom

      I don't know if I will get into trouble for posting this on the website, but I am scared. I am quite young and none of my friends understand my situation. If somebody could tell me what to do, or simply offer support, I would be very grateful."

      Sound familiar?

      I have heard it so many many times, please, please help that person. Help yourself and your family to change for the better.

    • TPSicotte profile image

      TPSicotte 5 years ago from The Great White North

      Abuse is abuse. If there is some type of power differential where one can impose their will on the other in a disrespectful and harmful manner it is a serious problem. I have read about this issue in journal articles and I am sure it is one of the most under reported social problems. I know many seniors organizations are concerned about it and a seniors day program where I live has spent time advising seniors about their rights and how they can deal with the problem. Good hub. Useful and informative.

    • Dinkie 5 years ago

      For the little girl worried about her mum, I understand your pain and you are doing the right thing, tell your school hunny so they can help you, as I know it must make your education and sociallife hell. My daughter is 14 and she has the same worries, my son is 13 and has mental problems caused by ASD,ADHD and ODD. No professional believes the parents but they do the children speak out and help your mum and most of all help yourself, call parentline for your mum they will help you to. Your a brave, good girl, take care and bless u xxx

    • sassy 5 years ago

      i don't know whatto do my 12 year old the same i tryto talk to her but doesn't listen she also says things hits me but you caint really do much she threating go head call cops i tell them it ws you so tell me what do you do

    • bettyboo 5 years ago

      We have two adopted kids that came to us when they were 3 and 4. Even at that stage we could see violent and problematic behaviour. However, like others before us we decided to stick with it and hope that with love they would sort themselves out. NOw at 16 and 17 they make our lives hell. They are verbally abusive, steal, stay out all night, damange things, threaten and hit me (not my husband). Last summer our daughter completely beat me up (bruises, bites, hairpulling, hit me over head with computer) when at 4 in the morning I found her with 2 complete strangers in her room and demanded they leave. Apparently it was none of my business what she did! I am at the end of my tether - completely, and am interested in the idea of excluding our 17 year old son from the home. Can I really do this? Is it legal? If for one moment I thought so I would do it - it would be the answer to all my prayers.

    • vic 5 years ago

      u have a 14 year old child who has adhd he has been a diffilcult child from the start he is on medication my parent abuse started when he was 6 yrs old i have had a lot of troubles also with socoal services made up accusations i have also been assulted by him threatened ,swearing at me insults and many stories he tells people i have had the police on one incerdint but i forgave him as u do its started up again and i have the social services on my case no one there to help u as people laugh if u told them u were being abused by a child

    • Frances 5 years ago

      Wary about posting a comment but so much here resonates. My 14 year old son turned abusive after his dad, who left to live abroad, moved in with girlfriend and son of same age. Dad made it all about me and my parenting. I have sought help everywhere, for me and son. Police have been frequent visitors to house, very good mostly, and son has a warning after admitting being violence. Older brother, much younger sister have both suffered. When I finally pressed charges, physical and verbal abuse did stop but now I get harassment and intense neediness, like having a toddler in a teenage body. He had an ADHD diagnosis but no support from school so I was doing my best to support him but strain finally took it's toll and I had a minor breakdown so now social services are involved. He is now 'a child in need' and I have been told to change my behaviour and he will change his. As if I haven't tried! My relationship with my other 2 children is great but my young daughter is increasingly anxious. Social worker assigned to us has been aggressive and bullying towards me, witnessed by experienced school professionals and others. Requested a change, I need support not more intimidation. Told that, for son's sake, continuity is needed so Social Worker will continue. I am educated, capable and am fighting this, as calmly as possible. Son no 2 is intent on destroying me, heavily influenced by his father who is abusive to me. What I can't understand is why Social Services won't look at impact on other 2 children and listen to family therapist who has known us for 5 years, GP etc. As all these posts say, it must be the parent even when it so clearly is not. The weight of the law is with the child.

      All I can say, to give hope, is that I have hung on in there, am fighting my corner for the sake of myself but especially my other 2 children. I now have a great team of professionals supporting me. Help is out there, CAMHS, Parentline, Family Rights Group, GP etc. Write EVERYTHING down. Don't be afraid to call the police. Hold the line, do not tolerate the abuse and don't become a victim.

      I felt so bad, I cried and showed my weakness. I blamed myself. I don't do that anymore. Good parents know what is okay. Believe in yourself and let the abusive child choose. At 16, I will change the locks. It's a hard road until then, but this is just like adult domestic violence. We go through a cycle of hurt, guilt, shame, apology and they keep on doing it. Do not own their poor behaviour. It is unacceptable.

      My son is coming round. He won't admit a thing but he is distraught at the idea of being taken into respite care. His father won't have him so bottom line, it's me or nothing. Make it a hard choice. Tough love, so true. Best of luck everyone.

    • Save my sister 5 years ago

      I fear for the safety of my sister and brother in-law. They have a 19 year old son whom has terrorized them for many years. My nephew has been in and out of the court system and has physically abused both of them numerous times. He was diagnosed as bipolar and refuses to take his medication. He is constantly breaking into their home and stealing from them. He has kicked the animals when they confront him because he knows how much they love their family pets. It has gotten to the point where my sister will not stay at home when her husband leaves for work. I just found out that she has been going and sitting in parking lots of stores for hours because she states he WILL kill her if he gets the chance! They have not reported any of the recent crimes he has committed against him because they say he will get a slap on the wrist and then be let out and they are fearful for their lives once he is released. I have tried to talk to him but I too fear my nephew. He is 6'5" and 290lbs. He shows no remorse for any of his actions and his sence of intitlement is unlike anything I've ever seen before! I need advice please! Before I loose my best friend, my sister! PLEASE!!

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 5 years ago from Southwest UK

      are you serious? At 19 years old, that is NOT a child. It is an adult with an attitude problem. Are you serious about helping your sister? then report him to the police, have him arrested and charged with threats to kill. Perhaps then he wil get the psychiatric helps he needs. He needs to get a home of his own, and your sister and her man need new locks on the doors. THIS IS NOT A CHILD, THIS IS AN ADULT WHO IS ABUSIVE, THREATENING AND VIOLENT. Involve the police immediately.

    • heatherlc 5 years ago

      Finally, a resource. My son has been attacking me since his father died. Others have witnessed it, and have told me it's just grief. Well, on March 28, he became enraged with me and was slamming me aganst the wall and restraining my arms. His sister was helping him: taunting me with "that doesn't hurt, you faker, do it again (son's name). They had ME arrested for domestic violence. My whole life is in tatters, and they REFUSE to tell the truth. I really can't take anymore.

    • katie 5 years ago

      hi, i am so glad i found this, i have a 13 yr old son and 12 yr old girl both are very difficult to deal with,mine is caused mainly by the fact their father and me are not together and he interferes tries to play my kids off against me and thrives in tryin to make my life a misery by using the kids to help him do such thing, ive had all the name calling been in tears because of this, ive been spat at ,hit ,kicked,told they are going to kill me when i don't give them something they want,i get i want to live wiv my dad everytime if i try to stand my ground and say no, ive been accused by them of kickin them tappin them,which never happened, been to social services conferences had them on a list taken off again etc been to court got custody all the usual things, ive been suffering for ten years and alot of it down to kids bein spoon fed what to say to me to upset me by their father, i feel like im never gonna be left alone to lead a normal life,sometimes i just want to end it myself cos i get to the point where i just cant do it anymore,we have absolutely no control over our children anymore and these kids know it,its ok children having childrens rights but what the hell happened to parents rights?? as far as im concerned social services, police etc act like it doesn't exist and always believe the child, excuse me but children also make very good liars,yet noone bats an eyelid, im just sick of it,

    • Bree 5 years ago

      Hello I am the mother of a 11 year old child whom has been abusing me since she was 6 and it gets worse everyday.She has Autism, adhd, ptsd, bipolar, and many more. She has counselors and they can't help me I have called the police many times and they won't help me either. I have cried and begged for help and no one is every there. I am getting to the point that I want to go to the hospital and admit my self. This is so sad and I will never understand but, she hates me and will continue to abuse me till I can find help. I am so glad that someone understands my cries.

    • Collisa profile image

      Columba Smith 5 years ago from California

      This is a tragic topic! I was very moved to read what is happening, and it angers me that the law in the UK is so hostile to raising kids, undermining parental authority. I will be praying about this issue. I had no idea it existed and it is really heartbreaking.

      Love, prayers and hope,


    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 5 years ago from Southwest UK

      Thank you Lisa for your prayers and yes, it is heartbreaking. For every comment here from one who is brave enough to speak out, there are thousands who haven't and suffer in silence, believing they are the only ones experiencing this tragic set of circumstances.

      Education is the key as is raising awareness, which is why I wrote the article in the first place. When I went through this, I had no resources, so I decided to become a resource to help others, which is why in 2 years nearly 13,000 people have read this piece from all over the world. That's 13000 people who now realise that they are not alone by finding the words I wrote. I send love to each and every one of them :)

    • Glynnie 5 years ago

      I am so glad I found this site. My 16 year old son constantly argues with me especially when he can't have his own way. I am very supportive of him, helping him with school work, looking for a part time job etc but this last year he has thumped me, broken a rib, kicked me, thrown things at me, swears at me. I am always full of bruises. I am a good strong person and I admit I have slapped him back. If I don't do what he wants when he wants it he kicks the doors, breaks mirrors and lamps. I did call the police and they had a chat with him but it doesn't seem to have done much good. When he was attacking me once in the hall as I was trying to escape from him a passer by called the police. They called to the house and spoke to him, but he's a good actor and persuaded them that it was just a normal mother and son argument. NORMAL! I hate him and I want him out of my house, I can't put up with it anymore. I feel like killing myself because when he wants to bump his gums it doesn't matter what time it is he will go on and on and on until I give in so that I am able to get some sleep.

    • keylargo 5 years ago

      i fouund all the information relieved me of thinking i was alone in this world. I have had 2 years of complete misery. I am divorced and have raised my now 15 and 16 yr old girls mostly alone and they spend most holidays with their father. even thought his speratic support payments every few months. the system seems to never catch him. He remarried and now has 3 small toddlers. That was enough to make the girls feel left out alone and they have showed signs of hurt. His new wife has not been very kind to my girls including them. They say he sides with her and is very mean. I am not there but I know how he is. well he had them for xmas and they came home very different and my oldest just was horrible to me. She was going to 9th grade soon. her grades went down. I however worked a very stressful sometime 2 jobs. job and was a single parent. He then was telling them that I owed them my taxes that I claimed them and that he was sending support. well this story goes on for ever. He then reported me to dcf. I was cleared of that quickley but these kids took that and have nevr listen to me or followed my rules again. I have lost any controll in my house and our family is now broke apart. He promaced them goodis and when they move there were quickly turned into baby sitters they wanted to come back to me after calling me abusive names breaking things and not coming home and getting me trown out of my home not to mention my job got tired of my personal problems and became a living nitemare. evventually lost my job. Well that's not even 1 tenth of it but I will keep reading this site but I feel like my life has ended. I have tryed most of the advice on this site and have been slapped in the face with the bad parent thing well I still talk to them but they are very we are on our own you have no business asking I am very runned down. and tired we used to work together so easy in 1 day that was gone. well this site is good and i will be back on I have endless storys to tell. I had given up. thanks again.

    • Abused mom 5 years ago

      I am living this horrible thing with my now 16 yr. old daughter. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer Stage 4 about 3 plus years ago. The cancer is throughout my bones and body. Since the diagnose, my daughter has turned hateful, manipulate like her father and his wife, abusive verbally and physicallly, steals, lies like it's the truth and set me up to hit her. She had called the police twice before on me to say I was hurting her. Both times there was nothing more than an argument going on either for her misbehavior or because she hurt her younger brother age 9. She demanded the police take her to her father and they told her there was no marks, no signs of a fight and that there was no evidence of anything other than her wanting them to chauffeur her to her dad's. My daughter didn't return after visiting her father but her brothers did. I asked her to come home because I wanted to spend my time with her. Her dad wouldn't bring her home. I asked the police to bring her home because it was my time with her. When she came home, I hugged her and said I missed her. Her response was "Get the hell away from me!! I don't want to be here I love my other life and I am GOING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL"! Well she did. For the next 2 days she pushed my buttons, stole my clothes, punched her brothers, called us all names and verbally abused me. We had gotten into an argument over how she was treating me and she had just stolen my clothes which she denied and laughed about! I just folded them and they were gone. She was packing clothes up for Dad's house. After I asked her for my clothes back, she called me a f--king b---h and many other names then told me I was not her mother that she was only born thru my vag---! At that point I tapped her on the mouth and she slapped me back. There were a few more words and a push from her and she walked off into her private bathroom and slammed the door and locked it! I went down stairs and heard loud noises shortly, we ran upstairs to find her slamming things and I asked what she was doing? She was calling 911 and setting the stage for a set up. She even ended up with marks on her back that were self-created. We were face to face and she is taller and bigger than me. So now I am going thru the court sytem fighting for my dignity and to not end up in jail. I am fighting for my life with the cancer and fighting the system because my ex-husband is rewarding her for her behavior to me. He would love to see me get charged the felony! For 10 plus years he has tried to get me in trouble with the law and up until this incident he has failed. My daughter must have planned this with him because she had all of her clothes already moved out of her dressers and closet and a job lined up plus previous texts from her saying she was gonna live with her dad 2 months prior to this. It sickens me that I have to go through all this along with my other children. She has alienated herself from her siblings and the rest of the family! If anyone knows how parents can protect themselves from this please let me know! Everyone cannot believe this! I never spanked my kids and they all lived above average lives. There really needs to be a law to protect parents from their children!! I am living the hell! My doctor seems to think she is "acting out" because of my terminal cancer and it is a protective device. All I know is that if the cancer doesn't kill me, this surely will!!!

    • margey 5 years ago

      Hi Lou

      You are doing a great service with your pages here. It is heartbreaking to read the stories, but so helpful for parents to know they are not alone.

      I am saddened that you and others have had such negative experiences from social services. When I began talking to people about parent abuse in 2004 I was aware that there were few dedicated services, but surprised to find a greater awareness among professionals than I had expected. I hope you will be pleased to hear that this is an issue which is now much more to the fore, and there have been a number of conferences around the world in the last couple of years to raise awareness and explore and develop responses for both parents and young people. As well as CAMHS, which a number of your readers mentioned, and of course the police, there are a growing number of groups specifically set up to work with parents, using techniques based on strong evidence. Many of these are following a restorative justice model, looking not just at making parents safe, but also enabling families to stay together as they learn new ways of interacting. Putting your child out is sometimes the only thing to do to stay safe, but it is the hardest thing to do as a parent. Many people would rather find a different solution.

      You have posted some strong advice. As knowledge and services improve all the time I hope you will soon also be able to recommend a return to social services and that parents will be able to feel that they will be believed and helped from there as well.

    • Lizzie 5 years ago

      I have a 12 year old screamer of a daughter who has no respect for me and whose language is foul. Earlier today she lost her temper again which happens all the time, this time thumping me nineteen times on my left arm when I asked her kindly to calm down so that I could get to the root of what was bothering her. Last time I called the police it was obviously reported in a biased way and I ended up getting a letter from the Social Services warning ME (!) that aggression was bad for children to witness! I just despair. One of these days I think something else will go wrong in her life, like she will fall out with a friend again, and just lash out at me until she kills me. I really am boxed into a corner with her. The Mental health team told me she has anxiety issues. Yeah, right.

    • margey 5 years ago

      Lizzie - don't give up. It is dreadful to feel you are not being believed by the helping agencies, but YOU know what is true. Have you tried calling Parentline? They have a specialist service for parents of teens and will offer over the phone counselling and even regular call backs to support you.

      Good luck.

    • emma 5 years ago

      I am currently nursing bruises all over my head and face. My arm, that seems to have been permantly damaged during the last bout of violence, has fresh bruises on top of the dead skin - luckily i didn't feel that at the time. I was sat on and not allowed to move, when i tried to get up i was told to stay put. My face is almost yanked off by the sheer hatred when she grabs it and rips it away. punches rein down on me, and objects being thrown at me are par for the course.

      After today's episode, i spent three hours in a daze - i seriously think i had concussion! - and then when my daughter asked for a hug i went to her and although i didn't hug her back, i was too scared not to go. later this evening i said that i was really angry and couldn't bear to look at her after what had happened and i got the dog bowl of water thrown all over me and she told me i made her so angry, and that i should not have given her a hug and then said later i was really angry at the time.

      This has been going on for years - she is 16 now. Bigger and stronger than me. Sometimes i feel like killing myself, then i think what the hell would she do. I have given her all that i could. She is a sensitive, kind, considerate person to all others, but with me she goes crazy. I feel like a judas putting all the bad points online, when they are furies only directed at me. I just need a sounding board. I will try to continue taking it as i am able to cope with a lot of stuff, but what the hell happened? Who did what to create this monstor that only i know about?

      the embaressing thing is that i am a battered person, my mental state is hammered, i walk around on egg shells, am afraid to be myself, and all because of my own bloody daughter.

      i am a complete idiot for allowing this to happen

    • frances 5 years ago

      Last post 6 months ago. Situation deteriorated again. Social Services are all about the child and would not offer respite care. The police deal with the incident not the pattern. Call them every time your child causes a breach of the peace, you are under threat or assaulted and eventually they can be persuaded to involve the Community Safety Unit Police. Or call the CSU yourself. The CSU have finally come to my aid after 2 years of police visits. I pushed the local police to do something and then my daughter's Head teacher, junior school, called the CSU after I turned up shaking with fear. The CSU agreed to an urgent safeguarding meeting and they arrested my son for assaulting me and have bailed him not to return home or make contact for 5 weeks. They are now trying to help me and making Social Services sit up and take notice. CAMHS counsellor has also pressed for help and recommended that I spoke to a police officer in the Youth Offending Team based at Children's Services who has been amazing and actually believes me. She is going to tackle my ex-husband who is egging on my son and introduce me to a support group for other abused parents. My GP has written letters too. Make sure you go to your GP and tell them what is happening, as often as you need to. I've even made an appointment with my local MP.

      Just keep calling the police to the point that they have to do something. But seek help everywhere else too so that you have supporting evidence and to show that you are trying. Also, don't retaliate, not one bit. If you have to, leave the house with your other children and go to a neighbours or friend and call the police from there.

      Do not suffer in silence. Get your voice heard. Go to the child's school, tell them. Tell your GP. Call the police every time. Find local support groups. Parent abuse is becoming recognised and we have to speak out for our sakes and our abusive children.

      My other two children and I are finally able to relax in our own home for the first time in years. It may only be for a few weeks but I am determined to fight any decision to return my son home without a change in his attitude and some serious back up from the Authorities.

      I'm still doing what I can for my son, I love him very much. I just don't want to live with his behaviour anymore. Let you know how I get on and hope that this gives some of you hope.

    • margey 5 years ago

      Emma / Frances, It is as if the two of you have spoken for every parent in your situation. Everything you describe and the words you use - though you may feel at the moment that you are very isolated and no-one else could possibly understand what you are going through - they are the very expressions that each parent uses. Walking on egg shells, the embarrassment, shame and anger, loving your child still but not wanting to live with the behaviour. Yes - you are a battered woman. It is time that the rest of society wakes up to this realisation as well.

      We do not create this situation deliberately. Nor do we choose to continue to accept this as a right way to live. These things creep up on us, until they are too big to ignore.

      You do not have to live in this way.

      Emma I hope you will be able to take Frances' advice. The youth justice service have started to develop support groups for parents. I hope you will find the help you need somewhere soon.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 5 years ago from Southwest UK

      With almost 17,000 views of this article worldwide to date, it is very clear that this is a real issue for many people in their lives. I am heartened to see so many connecting here and supporting each other and sharing their experiences.

      Isolation is one the most difficult aspects of abuse to deal with.

      It incorporates a whole raft of emotions both positive and negative, which helps us recognise that we are not alone in suffering.

      Sometimes, this recognition is all we need to tip the balance, and start a chain of events that changes the course of reality for the more positive.

      And that can only be a good thing.

      Love and respect to all.


    • me 5 years ago

      in my city they would probably take the kids away, call cps and then blame the parent for the issues.

    • sherlov24 5 years ago

      I'm a single parent to 3 children.My 18 yr old son has verbaly abused me for years now.I went thru years of severe abuse from his father.I got out when my son was 4mths.I spent cpl yrs in hiding because he would find me when I left and beat me worse.The courts put a stalking order against him and he finally left me alone.

      Ive always thought maybe my son is like this due to his father.But he hasn't been raised around his father.I asked for help from children services when my son was 5.We've been thru yrs of counseling that hasn't done any good.I had to have motion detectors in my home because he would get up in middle of night and try to hurt me or his siblings in our sleep.The older hes got the physical abuse on me has stopped due to he was locked up in detention centers many times.But the verbal abuse is so bad.He yells and cusses me daily.Tells me im going to regret things when he don't get his way.He will wake me up in middle of night to ask things that could wait til morning.He has no respect for others at all.He says when he wants something he expects it now.I wonder everyday where I went wrong.How could I have raised someone this cruel and heartless.He tells me he don't blame his dad for beating me that he should.He hasn't hit me for a long time but I still brace myself when hes throwing his fits because I fear 1 day he will.Lately the abuse has been almost unbarable.Hes kicked my door in when ive been asleep and started kicking my bed.I don't know what to do.Hes on his last year of school,and I've tried to deal with the abuse til he graduates.The law here tells me I cant kick him out even tho hes 18 because hes still in school.

      For the past cpl years I hide in my bedroom when hes home because if he sees me he torments me.I don't understand how a child could treat their mother this bad.I love my son very much but I cant live like this anymore.Everyday I think about ending my life because I don't think I can ever be happy or have a normal life.I hate waking up in the morning because I don't know if hes going to be in a good mood or not.I go to bed praying never to wake up because I know what tomorrow will bring.The only reason Im still here is because I know if I'm gone my son will have no one.My parents or family would never forgive him for driving me to that.

      Ive lived such a secluded life for many years because of embarrassment that my son puts me thru when we go places.I hate leaving my house.Ive lost job after job because of him.Since hes turned 18 in May all I keep thinking about is loading my car and disappearing.I don't know how else to get out of this crazy life I'm living.I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night and begging for relief.My heart breaks everyday.If it doesn't stop soon I don't know what I'm going to do.

    • Collisa profile image

      Columba Smith 5 years ago from California

      I've been burdened about this phenomenon since reading the article a few months ago. It occurred to me that TroubledWith, a ministry website that helps families in crisis, might be helpful. I took the liberty of sending them a link to this article. If enough parents contact them, perhaps they will consider creating a support system for this specific issue. I feel confident they will do whatever they can to help. Here's the link:

    • chrissygeer 5 years ago

      I am so happy I stumbled upon this site during my years, months, weeks, days, and hours of searching for help. Knowing I am not the only one suffering, makes me feel a little more "sane" at this point. I am still quite worried about posting details about our issues, but I really could use the support and help from other parents that are in the same situation as I am.

      I will post my story tomorrow when it isn't so late, and pray I get a response from anyone, in the manner or support, suggestions, or whatever input that is available. I have been going through this with my Daughter (14) since she was a toddler and it is just getting worse (by what seems like hours)now. I pray, I have found the right place to feel I, am not alone. If you are intrested, read my story tomorrow please. I need somebody to help. I am still convinced I can find the help and resources that will make a difference in our lives.....

    • ..Help 5 years ago

      I feel hopeless,

      I have been trying to help my mom because my 3 brothers have being abusing her for almost four years now and there is nothing we can do. we live in the U.S and there is also no help for parents that are being abused here. we went to the police department but nothing happened. one is 14, the other one is 16 and the other one is 26 but he is in a wheelchair because he cant walk. The 3 of them are aggressive, they smoke marijuana and consume alcohol. My mother is a single mother, she works all day to pay rent and buy food. when she gets home they have parties there with friends that are like them; they are consuming drugs or alcohol. i live with the fear that they might do something to my mom. it seems like they hate her. My mother told me that one of my brothers got a knife when she was telling him something. I really don't know what to do. I am 19 years old and i don't know how to help my mom. sometimes life is too hard. i wish i could help my mom because i cant keep seeing my mom suffer this much.

    • Debbi 5 years ago

      I've been abused now for over ten yrs by my daughter, both physically and verbally, the verbal is still going on every time we talk, it hurts me so much not to feel like she loves me, and not to have a loving bond with her, are there any hotlines one can call just to talk about the inner feelings and to ask questions, she is a grown woman now, but her treatment of me has never changed, every night I pray for a miracle from God that someday I will have her love and be treated lovingly,

    • ..Help 5 years ago


    • Suzy2175 5 years ago

      I have felt alone for the past 4 years! I have 4 children, the three oldest are boys. I have seen one of my brothers abuse our mother and I would never think of such an action. It pained me terribly the first time I had to call police on my son, who was 9 at the time. He had displayed aggressive behavior since he was 3. The police suggested I voluntarily sign up for DCF services. I told DCF my son needed anger management or something because my fear was he is going to get bigger than me & I refuse to live in fear of my children. My results were DCF had removed my son from my home and he had become the "victim" I've been told he is a very smart child, extremely intelligent and very well mannered. This is all true until we are behind closed doors. He has been out of the home for 4 yrs, he is an excellent student, and shows perfect behavior when in fostercare. He even lived w/ a family member for 7 mos to give him a change of scenery. He has made a lot of progress & self discoveries. He is aware he actions were wrong. We have tried re-unification 2x, both attempts only lasted about 1 1/2 weeks before he felt the need to be divious and defiant towards me, intimidating and threatening both towards me and himself. 10 days ago was the 2nd time he had been removed by police and placed back into fostercare. I have accepted the fact that him n I can not reside under the same roof. We r good will daily visits and occational sleepovers. I feel confident enough that I have, as a parent done my best. I have 2 smaller children that I also have to care for and this is causing a lot of tension and distress w/in our home.

      2 days ago I met w/ DCF so we could brainstorm options for my son. He loves us all and we love n miss him as well. I have suggested that we find him a guardian that live close enough so we can maintain regular contact this way my son can have is family and his space at the same time. DCF was not interested in possibilities, I was told outright that my son will come home I have to work harder. There is no alternative.

      Even as an abused parent he is still my child, no one can understand a child better than the parent, no one knows their genetic make up better than we do. I am trying to compromise all of our needs so we can be a healthy happy family but for whatever reason my notions sound unreasonable. My therapist doesn't even know what to make of this or how to help me.

      I've been rambling on and on my thoughts are all over the place. Abused parents are not taken seriously. Being able to express myself to other parents that understand is helpful and the emotional support will always b there, but it feels like the abuse is never ending. No accomplishment nothing just more abuse

      I have narrowed down to what may be my sons issue, he had a severe problem w/ male authority his father has munipilated him. I am the one he gets to have his way with and if my boyfriend or my older son simply says "what did mom say?" he goes into a rage. My life should not be threatened because he chose not to behave and as a consequence I decided we were not going to the store. His reaction was "if we don't go, I'm going to F***ing kill you"

      It's not fair to me or my other children to b victim of this behavior. DCF takes claim that they are there for the well being of the child, yet it is not healthy for a child to behave in such a manner.

      I live in the state of MA and I'm having an extremely difficult time finding help for him. He needs more than outpatient therapy

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 5 years ago from Southwest UK

      No, they do not. They grow up abusive and use violence to achieve results, no better than their abusers, and instil fear and mind control into children causing major issues later on in life. Its the opposite end of the lax "soft parenting" . Violence is never the way to raise a child. You are seriously mistaken and need to get some education on the results of violence in childhood.

    • branden 5 years ago

      this is so stupid that parents are being abused I mean like sure children get abused but parents that's just as terrible as children being abused!

    • terri 5 years ago

      i'm a single mother....nurse for 21 years....moved my kid to a what i thought was a good, country setting. my son is 22....i'm still a nurse, working for the house i was able to finaly buy....i find my son with a needle in his arm....not to mention what he's done to me...explain this.......what do i do.

    • mike 5 years ago

      daughter is 18, split personality. Talks nice when wants something, but acts like she could not care less about me & extended family ie cousins, aunta/uncles, grandparents on my side. lives with mother, who was a classic alienator. Just finished 2d xmas in a row where she blew us off. was always loved and well-cared for by many, yet no empathy/consideration for so many who loved her & she acted like she loved until teen years. how does a father recover emotional from the heartache this inflicts on so many levels ?

    • corbyscafe 5 years ago

      i am a single parent, my 24yr old son lives at home. he verbally abuses me. calling me terrible names also he calls my new fella. he has threatened to cave my face in on numerous accasions, also wreck the house. he is now threatening to kick my blokes head in. how do i get my son out my house...please help or suggest something

    • AnnieLizzie 5 years ago

      i am the mother of a 17 year old son who has ADHD and ODD. He is both mentally and verbally abusive. He is extremely destructive to property as well. Only this Christmas day he decided that the gifts he had been bought were not good enough and decided to have the worst temper tantrum I have ever seen. It was so bad that a toddlers tantrum in the supermarket would have pailed in insignificance. He threw his gifts around in order to break them, verbally abused me until I was in tears, then kept telling to shut up and stop whinging, he then physically attacked me and I retalliated. To calm down I shut my self away in the bedroom but he simply continued his reign of terror. He punched holes in the doors and wall and spat on his wardrobe. I decided to further remove myself by taking the dog out for a walk, but he followed me outside and belittled me before ordering me to get back inside the house. He then thought it would be OK for him to walk back into my home with a simple sorry and wanting a hug. It made my skin crawl to have him near me by this point. But he really believes that everything should just be back to normal.

      I am scared of what will happen next, after all he didn't just threaten me, he threatened my boyfriend and my daughter.

      We are not just talking about one incident in 17 years, this is the very latest in a string of issues that has spanned 15 years. Not to mention the regular police visits, social service intervention and the most useless of them all CAMHS. I have asked for help/respite and received nothing. I am now considering kicking him out of the family home, because he is too lazy to actually do anything for himself.

      To all on the outside world he is a lovely, caring person, but they haven't experienced the pain and suffering that we have endured.

      It's gotto a point that I don't care what happens to me as long as he is gone, and I can finally have peace. I regularly think of taking my own life and have planned for every eventuallity. I pray that it won't come to that ........

    • ladycabbie 5 years ago from Illinois

      Hello! I am sooo glad to have found this information, as we are going through a HORRIBLE ordeal ourselves. This may be long to explain my story but if you could just bear with me and read through this (as I'm very emotional just writing all this), I would appreciate any/all advice you could give.

      I met my fiance' 8 years ago. His kids (son was 8, daughter was 6) lived with their biological mom at the time. 7 months after we got together, we got a phone call from bio mom saying his son was standing in the middle of the street trying to get hit by a car. Police were called, his dad immediately went to his ex's house (which was in Wisconsin, we are from Illinois). The police came and called an ambulance and sent him to a psych ward. He confided in the dr's there that his bio mom were abusing him and his 3 siblings. He was released from the hospital and the dr's let dad and bio mom know that there was an investigation being done due to his accusations. Dad wanted to take his kids home with him until the investigation took place to make sure his kids were no longer in harms way. Bio mom refused to let him and police were called. The kids were then taken and placed in foster care for 6 months while we jumped through hoops for DCFS to get these kids in our home. To make things easier, I'll call my kids J for my son and B for my daughter. I also have another son from my prev marriage who we'll call S. Ok, so there is a little background of our family, now for what is going on today...

      My son is now 16, we have had him in anger management 3 times, countless counseling programs, family counseling, he goes to a therapeutic day school. He is a very angry 16 year old and I seem to get the blunt of his anger. I understand his mom is the one who abused him and I am in the "mother" role now but it's very hard for me to handle. My son, S was 6 when he watched his brother J get mad at me and grab me by the throat up against the wall. That was the first time I had him arrested. They put him on "voluntary supervision" which I called atleast 6 times to the probation center to report more violence. He was placed on this for 6 months and afterwards I got a letter from juvenile probation saying he had satisfied his voluntary supervision (pretty much this was a HUGE joke to him). My son was 12 when this first happened. Since then I've had him arrested 2 more times, for domestic battery against myself and his dad. I also have atleast 46 police reports (I have all these reports in my posession to back this all up), where I had to have the police come out to help us get this kid under control. The police know him on a first name basis as with the rest of my family, yet no one wants to do anything to help this kid. He is 16, 6'2" and 260 lbs. His philosophy is it's his way or there's hell to pay. He was arrested for domestic violence which he plead guilty to. He was placed on probation at that point. He has a probation officer who sees him a couple times a month, and he is still violent among other things and STILL NOTHING happens to this kid.

      I had to have him arrested a second time becuase he got his dad in a choke hold and his dads face was beat red and he was gasping for air. Of course, this once again was done in front of my younger son, S. He was arrested, and released within hours. He at that point, went to stay with his Grandma. He was in her home 9 months before she threw him out because of his disrespectful ways and he does what he wants when he wants. I've had stuff come up missing, he's broke things out of anger all SINCE he's been on probation and NOTHING HAPPENS!!! He even dropped dirty for marijuanna, his probation officer grounded him to the house for a week and retested him the following week. Now he warns him atleast a week before he plans on doing a drop- wtf is that??? My son has been arrested a second time WHILE on probation, was in juvenile detention for a night. That time we told him to go to his room cuz he was grounded to the house and kept telling us he was leaving anyway. We told him to go to his room and he got up to walk out. His dad stopped him and he pushed his dad so we had him arrested again. The courts actually told us we were wrong for not allowing him to leave cuz that's one of his "coping mechanisms" for when he get angry (which is everytime he doesn't get his way). Christmas Eve we had another problem with him, I took something away from him and he demanded it back... when he didn't get it back in the timely manner that HE wanted he broke one of our camera's we just had installed in our house. We got so tired of the abuse and no one wanting to do anything that we spent 700.00 having a camera system installed so we could start recording all this. He told his dad if he didn't get his radio back he was gonna break something, turned immediately and broke the first camera he seen. Had police out again, they didn't want to arrest him because they didn't want to see him in jail on Christmas.

      Here is just SOME of the stuff we've been through with this kid. There are alot more but I've already taken up much time. If you have read this far THANK YOU!!! I feel soooooo helpless and hopeless! I never thought the judicial systen could let me down soooo badly! If you have any advice or anywhere I can turn for help, I'd appreciate it! There are soooo many people failing this kid around me and I can't do anything but stand here and watch the destruction. I've tried sooooo much to help him but don't know what else to do! Thanks for reading!

    • carol wright 5 years ago

      How do you get help for your teen when the cops wont touch your kid cause she is mentally ill where do you go for help then

    • andrizzi 5 years ago

      kids don't have to be teens they could be older i have gone through it for years i wondered when they would come out with parent abuse its about time im going to write myself a story about the abuse i have been though

    • I know i have been a good mum 4 years ago

      I was a child of an abusive relationship. Dad left when i was 18 and i assumed responsibility for the family, I have succeeded in business and relationships and my husband of 21 years have 2 girls 20 and 16. the pendulum has seemed to swing so far back from then. My oldest daughter just wants someone to look after her. Even though she is so smart and at uni. I have always spelt out a man is not a financial plan and to be independent. My youngest daughter to my horror has the worst morals, has slept with many boys has a reputation and is awol at school, disrespectful at home, suspect she steals from us and hideous to her father and me. Before you say it is our home life, my husband and i love each other and our girls dearly. we have always protected them brought them up with good morals etc. I am so beaten down over the years i feel numb. we have tried psychologists to no avail. it almost seems the more you give the worse they get. maybe my hard knocks upbringing made me a better person. If that is the case can our happy family be the deathknell of our girls! Any advise?

    • missionimpossible 4 years ago

      i have only just come across this site at 2.30 am after yet another day of abuse from 14and half year old son. i have looked before for people in same boat but found nothing until today. i feel a sense of relief here and understanding that hasn't been present before on such a scale. my son was born agitated and has been ever since i cant make him happy the more i try the worse he gets when i stop trying he enjoys playing the victim and tells people i don't care or help him. my son too is good at school and only horrible to me in a big way. but very clever to hide this and keep it secret like secret abuse and 100% narcasistic and emotionally dangerous he is trying to completely destroy me. in a strange way i wish he would do it quicker and finish me off for good rather than a slow drawn out painful life with him. i am also scapegoat of my past relatives(mother father sons father ect) well son is just following tradition. although he only sees one or 2 members a year. it does make me wonder whether son would be so gobby and arrogant if i were to no longer exist. my guess is he would still carry on the sick lies to hide his own guilt and find power in that and abuse me when im long gone. but what he doesn't realise is that when the main scapegoat dies someone else has to take their place and it would be him next! i am only one blocking that at present. it sounds like i hate him but i actually love him . i just fear him everything about him. the lies he tells i am paranoid what else he says about me to who. whether he has stolen money. whether he going to start at any moment what he going to break next. whether he going to throw something at me , hit me , hit himself and say i did it , whether the next policeman is going to be manipulated into feeling sorry for son and believing son and not me ect which did happen once when threaten to stab me police said i was exagerating and manic well i would be if son abuse me for 3 hours and then threaten to stab me. i know my son will NEVER STOP hating my guts until i die. and for that i hate him too and regret having him am i aloud to say that hope no social services on here or i will have to die anyway before they get me i feel so hurt so confused and so bloody tired. and even expressing myself in this way makes me feel like im being a drama queen because of living in such a suppressed society.yet if i did happen to die the professionals would be the first to say why didn't she ask for help and tell us how she was feeling.because they the so called child experts would then have labelled me as a nutcase for having these feelings.

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      don't worry im not going to do anything silly just expressing feelings that are illegal to have. im sure i will be punished in one way or another with my sons behaviour in the morning. i just like to think i have one last bit of power over my own life and that is whether to live or die no one else can control that. if any abusive teenagers are offended by this then please stop bullying your mother just for the fun and power of it. all she wants is to help you and to make you happy and all you want is to hurt her and destroy her and tell her she is yur only problem when you know full well she isn't.and you push her and push her until she cant take anymore and you do it again on a daily basis just to see how she reacts and you let her know that you will never stop this behaviour for the rest of your life its no wonder some mothers have been pushed over the edge my son never gives me straight answers to why he behaving the way he does that's why i come to conclusion he just enjoys it. or he cant function without the power. all he has to do is tell me what's the matter and i would do anything to help him out of it unless its giving him hundreds of pounds that never made him happy he got angry for more.hope i haven't offened anyone (passive aggressive now) or is that just side effect of living in repressed society its 4.40 now so hopefully i will sleep half the day and avoid son . he is even worse saturdays and sundays have no idea why exept he gets less sleep but that wouldn't explain monday tuesday wednesday thursday and fridays

    • Amy 4 years ago

      I have an abusive 16 year old daughter with cognitive delays and mild Cerebral Palsy. I am a single mother and also have a 24 year old son that still tells me he loves me and hugs and kisses me, when he comes and goes.

      My daughter just explodes at any moment with no warning. She is bigger than me now, and has bruised, scratched and hurt me severely. She broke my Shoulder blade(scapula), gave me a skull fracture, and stabbed me in the arm and hand with a butter knife(I needed 22 stiches). Each time SHE called the police on herself, they come and give her a sticker!!! The operator knows her by name because she has called so often.,

      She mostly just explodes at me and the two small dogs, not at school. SHE WAS NEVER ABUSED BY ANYONE. I have been a stay at home mom and no one even watches her. I have been told she has an oppositional defiant disorder, and there is nothing the police or her social service disability worker can do to help me.

      I have Addison's disease, Hypothyroidism, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have been in counselling for most of her life, due to the care she required and now the stress of being abused. I went to therapy today and was told by my doctor that my health is so poor, either I place her in an Out-Of-Home Counselling home or I should stop and pick out my gravestone. The doctor said I am due for a heart attack or coma due to the stress. I laughed because I had a heart attack last October, and still found no assistance or help. I am tired or People looking and saying I DID SOMETHING WRONG. Her Neuropsychologist believes it is due to her brains lack of oxygen at her birth, and there is no medication to fix her. I am lost and broken and DON'T know what to do. I am a great mother, and my son tells me so!!!

    • Marie 4 years ago

      I have a 17 year old son. He was abusive in many ways. He was involved with many services right from the age of 3 on an ongoing basis including his school, counsellors, Children's Services, his own Doctor, and every possible Agency I could think of. Sure, some things "helped", but never for long. He continued to assert his rights while woefully neglecting the rights of myself and his siblings. He then chose to go off his meds that helped to curb his anger/outbursts. My family started to fall apart rapidly, his siblings would be abused if I didn't do as he said, when he said it. He used his brothers to hurt me. I had to put a stop to it. The police refused to arrest him, as in their words "If it were to be brought in front of a Judge, the Judge would dismiss it as sibling rivalry". Shocking! I was desperate to keep ALL my children and myself SAFE. He needed protection as much as we did. Out of desperation, I brought him into Children's Services and left him. His worker who'd been involved with my family for quite some time, knew I was coming and she ensured she was able to place him in a Foster Home. He didn't even last 1 month at his first placement. Claiming he couldn't deal with the children in those environments and started placing threats on thos children. He was quickly moved to another foster home, where he witnessed from another child, the exact behaviors he himself was displaying. This seemed to jolt him a little, as he was able to witness what/ how he looks like when he's like that, as well as the child on the receiving end. He even went so far as to interfere and defend the child who was being abused. This seemed to be a bit of a turning point for him. He didn't last long in the system after that, but I wasn't ready to have him come home yet, he still needed a full assessment, action plan, meds, etc. His brothers were also still terrified of him, as was I. His paternal grandmother took him in. Things started to slide again, rapidly. I was harassed at home, work, everywhere and anywhere. Received threats on a daily basis. His grandmother also "had enough" after just a few short months. Children's Services then put him up in an apartment with an older gentleman who was supposed to mentor him. In the meantime, my son and I started seeing a child pychologist together. This seemed to help both of us. We went once/week together, and he went once/week on his own as well. He ended up coming back home, 1 year after I placed him in the Foster system. For the most part it is working, though he does slip from time to time, especially during stressful periods, holidays, exams, etc. My saving grace is before he moved back in with me, we both sat down in his Childrens Services workers office and had him agree to and sign a behavioral contract. What was expected of him when he came home, and the consequenses were simple....if he chose NOT to adhere to the contract, he was making the CHOICE to also find alternative housing immediately. I'm not saying its been easy, but it definitely has been worth it. He is my son, and I love him. Is it perfect, no, but is it worth it to stand by your child and let him know YOU are always on his side, but you also have rights and that includes the right to be safe and respected. We've been through hell and back as a family, but we did it as a family. He will always struggle, but he also always knows he is loved, his behavior is what wasn't.

    • determinedma 4 years ago

      I have just joined so I can follow this Hub. It is an important topic that is close to my heart. My name is Marie, and the above comment is a little from my experience with this issue. The more people speak of this issue, the more aware it will become. It is NOT something to be ashamed of and swept under the rug. It is real and needs real awareness.

    • sadique Mamon 4 years ago

      Wow !!!! I am soo surprised and happy to see such a great number of response from people. Tonight i was doing a presentation on the rights towards parents for the youth at our youth club and thought ill google some cases of children misbehaving towards parents. i typed "children abusing parents" but only results I got was help for child abuse. after scroling down the whole page came up with this site and saw the author mention exactly the same thing that crossed my mind, that if you google it you will not find anything.

      please keep up the great work you are doing. I urge everyone to speak out, create parents lobbying groups and campaign like people do for dogs rights etc.

      These social serviices officers do not have the slightest clue. Most of them do not even have children of thir own, for them to personally experience what a parent - child relation ship is and probably most were from broken families where father is unknown so they have personal grudge against parents.

      these issues seriously needs to be tackled before its too late. i again strongly urge if some people could get to gether and organise some campaigning group. here I will leave my email, if any one is willing to take a lead I will be there to give full support and help.

    • Katlin 4 years ago

      Confront the teen about their behavior?? The problem here is verbal abuse. My daughter would die laughing then ask me what I thought I was going to do about it. She's right.....what can I do? Nothing. I am living until she is 18 and I can change my locks. It's been this long, I'll suffer through until I don't HAVE to take it anymore.....

    • josi 4 years ago

      My son is 15. Now that I have read this I know I'm a victim too. I thought. I was alone. I see that we as a family we need help. Thank you for the comments and advice. I am not alone. This is a very dark place to be by ones s

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      i told my situation with son to someone and they asked if id seen a film called we need to talk about kevin as it apparently sounds like what im going through. sounds like others are too!!! just thought id mention it im going to watch it as soon as i get hold of it.

    • Grateful 4 years ago

      Thank you for this article. A friend of mine brought it to my attention after sharing with her about my son. My son does all those things with the exception the substance abuse. I'm tired of everything in my home getting broken. We just bought a beautiful home and my son likes to throw things when upset, he cracked the tile in front of my fireplace. That's fixable but my son concerns me...and it seems everyone wants to keep saying that we are horrible parents. I nursed him, cloth diapered, made homemade food, let I'm express himself, played with him, had little play dates, nurtured him without nannies or sitters until he was 6. He was given undivided attention and loved dearly, I thought that was the most important part...what happened? Now he's 14 and I'm sending him to his father, who was absent most of his life.

    • Grateful 4 years ago

      @ Missionimpossible. Your feelings are exactly like mine. I totally understand what you mean. It's like he wants to kill me and I don't know why. I wish I could get a straight answer on why he's so mad. He sees a therapist and has seen one since he was 5. He constantly fishes for excuses on why he can't do something or why he feels a certain way. He is never at fault and its always my fault or someone else's. He pushes me so bad that i can tell he wants me to hit him so he can scream like someone is killing him, then I can get into some kind legal trouble. It's horrific to feel so alienated daily. Too many excuses for these type of children in society. Everyone has the answer on how to be a parent but so far we haven't seen the ONE true formaula! He doesn't respect or regard any one thing or any on person as his therapist would say. Believe that he's been taught it. It's truly sad. I worry daily. He will be going with his father and their family. I really hope that he gets whatever it is he feels he needs from them. I wish you luck on that and keep trying and reaching for help. I have, I even let the school know about him to make sure I protected myself because, its true, it's too easy nowadays for parent to go to jail for being falsely accused of abusing their children. My friend told me today I didn't have to put up with it. Those words were so special to me. I may have chosen to raise him and keep him but I did not choose for him to be the way he is towards me. I definitely don't feel I deserved it either. He should have saved that for his absent father.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      Again, I am seeing comment after comment from people who are suffering from this little known type of domestic abuse.

      Sending love to all out there who have commented and the thousands who haven't.

      Work together people, support each other, because its those who have survived it who will know how to help those in need right now.

      Raising awareness is half the battle, once people realise they are not alone, the empowering effect is amazing.

      you will be surprised just how many people suffer in silence, believing themselves to be an isolated case.

      YOu can do something in your community. If there is no support group, start one.

      Contact your local police station and ask if there is a community officer who can come and talk to your group about the legal implications and what you can do.

      Often, they feel helpless because there is no legislation in place and despite agreeing with the parent, they have been prevented from helping.

      it us, the brave who have voiced our deepest fears who have to be yet braver, and speak out to encourage others who have been living under this dark cloud to come forward to demand help from social services, the police and the lobby the government to make changes in law to help safeguard parents, children and society.

      One person on their own can do little, together, we can move mountains.

      stay safe, stay sane and support each other.

      Its the best chance of survival we have, and the best we can offer our confused hurt and angry kids, who turn on us because the world is so fucked up.

      xxxxxxxxxxx ;) xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • the silence 4 years ago

      My kid started abusing me when she was 8, we were living with my mom who has never had empathy or respect for me. I have been constantly beaten up by her and being called names.even she told me once that when I was a kid she wanted to kill me but was afraid of law, anyhow my only escaping place was school and I was straight A student, went to college, at the end of my first semester I had to accept an arrearage marriage with a much older man. he was not much better than my mom but I was just happy that he didn't physically abuse me. for month even once for 2 years he left me in my mom's without any explanation. I was young, beautiful and smart as other people said to me. But he always called me crazy and retard. after more than 20 years I am almost out of that relationship, working toward my financials independence. but my own child, who is an adult, is replacing my mom and my husband, calling me ugly......swears constantly, and wishes that I die. every time she see me she say :ugh, when is going this monster die. I just stay silent and cry:)

    • missionimpossible 4 years ago

      lou purplefairy i have been reading comments above from 2 years ago and you said about community support officers. well most sympathize with the teenager. it is pot luck if you get a good one. the best ones in my experience are the real police. you can definitely tell the difference between professional and non professional with police. i think the professional ones have more dealings with criminals and can spot the signs earlier. but they have handed us over to support officers . some are sensible , some like to act professional but are bias at the same time! i was told im not perfect . i was treated like i was sons sister not mother. she told us both to phone her if problems. great! she knows fall well i wont be phoning after her comments. so i guess she did her job well by making sure i don't hassle police again. i saw her in street and she just stare at me for too long like im a nutcase. no wonder she is only support officer. others have been less judgemental and spoke to son but adviced on not arresting him as it will go on his record. i agreed. as i don't want him getting a record. i was greatful they didn't judge me. i am not perfect and i have reacted to son on occasions where it was impossible. i believe this is why some parents don't speak out. the guilt of actually being angry at bullying teenager. and being human. its not just the police and social services who play on that guilt its the teenager themselves who blame their behaviour on you for the next 20 years when they were already behaving like that before. scapegoating. its almost like the teenagers are being egged on by some of these people at least i can see why the teenagers think they are. the kids don't realise that they are being short changed by not being helped , spoken to properly , and stopped before its too late. only the parents and the wise policeman know the value of a good talking to when younger. from not just the parent.a talk with a teenager can make the world of difference. and the police do have the power to have that chat. some kids do listen !

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      What is needed, is police officers who are trained properly to handle this situation. Unfortunately, the current paradigm is to come to the side of the abusive children and blame the parents. there needs to be a shift in the thinking, and support for parents. The whole system is out of balance and common sense seems to have gone out of the window.

      In smaller communities, where the funding is much scarcer, the community police officers (not the PCSO's) do seem to have more of an idea of what the reality is, and the stern chat from the "local beat bobby" does often work. It is a shame that we do not have as many of these types with common sense in our forces across the country.

      because funding is scarcer in these communities, pre-emptive action by what I term common sense police officers, does seem more prevalent, if only to cut their work load down and to reach the impossible targets set for them by central government.

      It seems to me, that in smaller and more often rural communities and towns, where it is often the cas that the officers are actually local themselves, have grown up in the community that they have "inside local knowledge" which helps them forge better relationships with those whom they serve. Sadly, this is the exception rather than the rule, and the larger cities do not have this, since the migration and flow of people is high and no strong links are able to be formed. It is here that the interface between police and community become faceless on both sides, and the humanity is completely lost to a system which as no emotional responses to emotional situations.

      Community leaders have vital roles to play working alongside such agencies, but while most are at best over worked and underfunded, there is just not the resources to cultivate these types of relationships, and therefore all faith and trust in the justice system disappears in a back log of legislation, red tape and bureaucracy.

      The abuse is a symptom of a much larger issue, the complete and widespread break down of real community and extended family, which we as members of that community allow through perceived fear of other people, which is an idea that is propagated by governments across the world with ever more presence of CCTV cameras, personal security and segregation.

      No wonder our children turn on us, when this is the world they are born into.

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      Glynnie, i understand about the intense neediness from your teenager after the bad behaviour. my 14 year old son swings from aggression and shouting threatening to break things breaking things , shouting lies about me and if any of the above is stopped he will also turn to intense neediness. he cant his shoe, ive hidden it , to having to blow dry his hair, making moany noises brcause it take him so much effort to get out of bed even if im not one telling him to get up. generally acting like he cant breath without me. Also Glynnie my son is a good acter too infront of police and acts shy, placid , and sensible and he too tells police we just argue. it is so similar to your experience that it is starting to sound normal , like this is what some kids do! so why do professionals not believe us? LouPurple you are right we need to speak out. i just don't have the confidence to start a groupbut would definitely join one if one started. and am willing to spread anonymous leaflets on subject. uh oh son just walked in got to go will finish later!

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      Kids who abuse parents and siblings, doubly alienate themselves. They need help, and often refuse to accept they have an issue. Like an alcoholic will refuse they have a problem, like a drug abuser refuses to accept they have a problem, like an abusive and violent partner refuses to accept they have a problem. These kids need help too, but you cannot help them if you yourself are broken from their abuse.

      get help for yourself first, then you can help your child and be the parent that they want but do not realise they have :)

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      new facebook group here

      the hubpages police will not allow me to publish this hub with new links, so I am adding it in the comments. here is part of the link


      you will have to add the prefix "https" when you copy and paste, or Hubpage Police will not allow me to publish this hub with links to facebook in it.

    • hopeless mum 4 years ago

      Feeling so lost and hopeless right now. I have a 16 yr old son, with ADHD, who is making home life unbearable for myself and my other 7 year old son.

      There has been no physical abuse towards me but I feel very threatened by him. He is emotionally and verbally abusive mostly but has threatened violence and has caused damage to the house, breaking the front door recently.

      Basically, if I challenge any of his behaviours or try to punish those behaviours, he completely loses it and I end up bearing the brunt.

      It strikes me how many people in these situations talk about ending their own lives. I don't consider myself suicidal, but the way I was treated by my son yesterday has left me with bizarre thoughts of killing myself in order to escape this.

      I believe we feel more trapped than the usual domestic violence victim. Because we feel that we owe these children a duty of care and can't easily just walk away.

      My heart goes out to each and every one of my fellow sufferers.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      Just because you have not been used as a physical punch bag, does not mean you have not been abused. Abuse takes many forms. Kids on the ASD scale are frequently abusive, because of their conditions, as are children and teenagers who have been sexually abused. Often, if they have come from a home where one of the parents has been a domestic abuse victim, they remaining adult is frequently abused by the children after the abusive partner has left. Kids learn this behaviour by observation. That said, there is an increasing number of kids and teens who have had a normal un-abusive upbringing, and still turn out abusive. This is an indication of the societal factors that cause this. Namely observed behaviour from abusive kids in schools.

      We like to think that our schools have a zero tolerance on bullying. In practical terms this is nonsense and just as much bullying goes on in school as there ever was. Education staff have targets to meet and often do not have time or resources to deal with bullying and abusive children. this then goes unchecked and children learn this behaviour and repeat it at home to gain control.

      All abuse is basically different forms bullying and intimidation to exert control over a third party and behind every bully, is a bigger bully and so the cycle continues unbroken.

    • karmanme 4 years ago

      How many of us are suffering abuse from our adult children???

      How many times,when you only call once or twice a month do you phone & talk to a home or mobile machine as you live more than a 1,000 klms away.

      No reply, another machine. Ring another sibling & find the first is with them & has just ignored your call.

      You know they are connected at the hip with their phone but they are showing you just how little you enter their thoughts & even when you instigate the contact they ignore you.

      When grand children come along, you ring these so called adults at the hospital only to be told they will ring you later.

      Later doesn't happen & they give the impression to everyone else that "You don't care about them".

      These are no longer children they are adults who now withhold your grand children from you "BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE POWER" & to keep you dangling.

      Your damned if you try to maintain that bond & damned if you don't.

      They are bullies of the very worst kind & we allow them to take our power because we love them with all our heart.

      Sooner or later you come to the reality that you need to pull back & move on your lifes path.

      Refuse to spend your money talking to a machine.

      If they don't want to have a conversation with an adult then step back. Ring family who care.

      It hurts deeply when you start, but it's better than the abuse you have no control over.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      I am looking into the abuse of older parents by adult children, and this is just as abusive, but a separate issue from the one I am highlighting here. Dealing with it earlier on n their lives, will help prevent the abuse of older parents and elderly parents from adult children. I am currently researching this topic so will be publishing another hub related to this one.

    • 17 and angry w the world 4 years ago

      My 17yr old daughter was taken into custody last night. I am a thirty five yr old mother of six who suffers from a mental disability and physical disability and she punched me repeatedly in the face and pushed me down a flight of stairs last night. My child was abused by her ex step father and ^so I suppose she thinks that when you disagree with someone you beat them. I was concerned about her 6 f's 2 d's and 1 c in school I just wanted her to graduate and she beat me up...

    • Krista Marx 4 years ago

      A high school friend in Wisconsin has been arrested & charged with reckless endangerment, child abuse, & child neglect. Child is 15. Bio-Mom gave up parental rights in Texas court choosing her registered sex offender boyfriend over her daughter. Bio-Dad & girlfriend(now married) drove to Texas & brought girl home. Soon after realizing the girl had lots of problems. The girl threatened members of the family with a knife, including baby/toddler. She also has cognitive delays & language skills delay, both receptive & expressive. The parents had to install an alarm to alert them if she came out of her room, which is in the basement. She has eating disorders anorexia & bulimia. She also has toileting issues-refusal to use toilet. They have tried to get help, but when Psy. or Social Worker interviews girl; she appears normal, just a little slow. It is only when observed for several hours or days does one get true picture. An example of language skills that have been misinterupted by officials: "I poop in jars." The officials assume she has been forced to do that. I have seen or witnessed these behaviors myself; however, the stepmother has called me & talked for hours about the girl's behaviors. I just don't think the charges are accurate. My friend isn't the brightest person, but she has tried to seek out help & research information. I am wondering if anyone knows of a legal case in the US that involved similar circumstances. Personally, I think friend may be guilty of neglect, because she could have insisted her husband, the Bio-Dad, have girl committed for an lengthy evaluation or at least called an ambulance & sent child to hospital. Any help would be appreciated. Another note, friend's son (step-bro to girl) has been charged with sexual abuse. Again language barrier. Girl says "Yes, he has touched me."

      I have a 17 year old son with mod/severe autism & have had to barracade myself in my bedroom to escape his hitting me. I have even called the cops because my son had attacked me & I managed to push him out of house into the secure backyard (not cold out). I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hold him off if I let him in. Cops arrived and asked what I wanted them to do. I explained that he doesn't understand that he is hurting me & that is wrong These attacks seemed almost like rage seizures. I didn't want them to hurt him just to pull him off of me if he attacked again. Any kind of help would be very much appreciated.

    • Krista Marx 4 years ago

      typo in above comment. I have NOT seen or witnessed these behaviors myself.

    • isis unique 4 years ago

      A parent of a 16 child who runs away beats on me lies and call child protection on me after she has Called me everything under the sun .its time we make laws to push them under control . I like to pass a law to stop thees kind of children of dmv on parent can any one help and souprt me with this isisunique18@gmail thank u

    • 17 and angry w the world 4 years ago

      I am having second thoughts of pressing charges do I or do I let her come home. I do love my children so it is so hard to just not blame myself for her actions and bring her home what do ido

    • Gavin Coburn 4 years ago

      I have one question if an adoptive teen is harassing you and you went to the adoptive teens house to confront him and to tell his parents and they do not anything about it and than put harassment charges on the teen, can the adoption agency take away the child due to lack of discipline from the parents?

    • Gavin Coburn 4 years ago

      I ask this because this is happening to me and some of my friends

    • Mum 4 years ago

      I have just come home from the Family Court, I am seeking AVO's against my two daughters. Actually the police are seeking the AVOs, so I cannot stop that process. My daughters have gone to their father and he is backing them up, believing their lies, sending me texts calling me a dispicable human being, a "thing", a liar, a thief. I raised my girls with little help from him. He refused to pay child support, owes much, but would sometimes give the girls money or presents. I love my daughters dearly, one is 20 and the other 15. Both struggled with school and the youngest is a school refuser, I have attended so many counsellors and school meetings trying to get her to school. She's addicted to the internet. My children objected to me having a serious relationship develop over the past year and demanded I get him out of "their" house. I stood my ground. The sweet children I knew have attacked my physically 4 times in the past 2 months demanding I get my boyfriend out of "their" house. At court today I crumbled, a wobbly crying mess. I was treated like I was a weirdo, told to sit apart from everyone, I felt like they were considered the victims. The girls and their father laughed at me, I felt shaky and tripped over. I'm a mess. I've lost my family. I tried so hard with no support and they were not easy kids. My eldest should have left home instead of complaining. I spoilt them.

    • Had enough 4 years ago

      I'm so glad I found this page. My son is 12, he has AS and adhd and he thinks the world revolves around him and the sun shines out of his butt! He is verbally abusive and threatening to me,physically and verbally abusive to his 9yr old brother, he trashes the house, refuses to go to school, he has hit two teachers at his school and caused another to feel threatened (his school are very good). He has hit me once and I did call the police on him, he has also left the house with a knife and I called the police on him then too, he know has a caution. We have a social worker whose as useful as a chocolate teapot! i have been told if he gets bad to contact the police again but the last time I did I was told it wasn't their job to parent my children! I always said I would never stay with someone who hit me but when the blow comes from your child it seems you're left to deal with it.I'm currently under a mental health team as I couldn't cope anymore, but when I explain the reason I've had enough is because I can't cope with my 12 year old anymore I feel stupid. I'm sick of crying and dreading him getting up in the morning or walking through the door.

    • GAMac1996 4 years ago

      This is a subject that needs serious public exposure.

    • Hadenough 4 years ago

      This Website has made me feel calm, simply because I don't feel alone. It has made me cry, worry and laugh (no offence). As a parent I must have been at the end of my teather to google, children abusing parents!

      My girls are 13 and 12, it has taken me this long to seek internet advice for the 13 yr old. It is hard to seek asdvice on high achiever's, I am lucky,she is good at public speaking, sports awards, school captain etc, I sound ungrateful but at home for many years this 13 yr old has been manipulative, cunning, belittles me, argumentative (non stop). She is very clever and knows her rights. It is a long story. I am a sole parent, and have single handlely rared them on my own from birth with minimal support (morally and financially). I am not the most greastest parent but I have been fair and just. The 13yr old cannot take NO for an answer, therefore I am continually held to emotional blackmail or extortion or something. If it dosnt go her way, we end up scared. Behind closed doors she will threaten, throw stuff, trash the house. She belts her sister until I have to almost resusitate her? something is gunna go wrong soon. I am not perfect, if I kick her out cos I loose my temper, she will throe a rock threw the window. If I try to drive away, she stands behind the car so I can't back out. If I walk away, she follws me. She is out to destroy me. The only motive I can make sense of in her benefit is if she makes me look crazy enough, she might get sympathy from other people for having such a bad, angry Mum?? Also, she gets alot of power over me, but what does that acheive? Except, prove I am an angry dragon and she has won and I am at fault for everything. Also, she is sweet as , like butter wouldn't melt her mouth to the neighboughs, school and authorities, which is good but makes me look like a fool if I dare coment on how out of contol things are. I have tried to sought this out when she was well before kindregarten age? Looser Mum!Don't Judge Me,Please

    • ashamed 4 years ago

      Thank you for this article and the comments. I went to the internet looking for help. I didn't even know what to search for since no one I know had put a name on parent abuse. (although now I see it has happened to many people I know). I sit here heartbroken and covered with bruises. Three months ago, we had an 11 year old foster girl placed with us in the hope that we would be able to adopt her after the six month waiting period. There was trouble from the very beginning. She was just verbally and emotionally abusive at first and she would hit me (hard enough to leave bruises) and say she was "just playing". Then if she didn't get her way, she would leave a trail of destruction across the house. Literally, she would start at one end shoving everything off the dressers until she got to the kitchen where she upturned anything smaller than her. She even tried to shove the tv off the cabinet. At first I'd hide in my room because I didn't know what to do. Then I started standing up to her telling her I would not allow that and order her to her room. That's when she would really start flailing her arms and hitting me. I never hit her back. I only tried to restrain her arms. This happens quite frequently but the last straw was a couple of days ago. She didn't get her way over one small thing and she set off on her trail of destruction again. This time I would not stand for it and ordered her to her room to calm down. This time when she started to hit me I tried to pin her to the ground and restrain her arms. I halfway succeeded but not without her biting and kicking me. I wanted to hit her so bad but as a foster parent I would have ended up in jail and on the news. She finally stormed off to her room and didn't come out until morning. I barely slept that night and talked to my husband about calling her social worker to take her away. I really wanted this to work out and have tried everything. Counseling for her, positive reinforcement, love, patience, stability, boundaries. We tried to give it all. I'm on a low dosage of antidepressants due to a horrible time last year and now I find myself looking at the bottle wanting to take them all just for a few minutes of "happiness". My self esteem is back to the level it was when I was 11 myself and being tormented by 11 year old girls. She'll look at me with the sweetest face and tell me I'm ugly and fat. She loudly announced at the doctor's office that I sat at home and did nothing all day because I'm a housewife. I tried to take it all in stride but I can't take the physical abuse anymore. Today she tried to be all sweet and affectionate. I couldn't even look at her. I spent most of the day hiding in my room. I could tell she was fishing for info on whether we were still going to adopt her by talking about the plans for the future we had made. It makes me sad because I know she needs a good stable home and I wanted that to be ours but now I want nothing to do with her. I'm so ashamed. After reading some of the comments, I realize now that if we adopt her, this abuse could last for years. i can barely make it through the day much less 7-8 years until she moves out. I've decided we're going to have to have her removed. I know this will probably ruin her life to be moved from yet another foster home and it breaks my heart.

    • Wits End 4 years ago

      I have a disabled child (wheelchair user) of 16 yrs old . My child has physical - mental and emotional problems ..

      I have done everything i can via social services CAMHS counselling for the last 5 yrs but still i am beaten verbally abused and emotionally blackmailed on a regular basis .


      I am sick to the pit of my stomach being told it will all get better soon but when i ask 'When will this be' no one can answer because no one knows !

      Im tired really tired and i dont want to live like this any more . I dont live i just exist . I go through the motions of daily live yet i dont have a life.

      Last night i was beaten in the street by my child whilst trying to get her into the car from her wheelchair (she had run away once again)I do this for her own safty this was witnessed by passers by who just stood there . My child screaming abuse ripping out my hair and shouting for help stating i was abusing her !

      I am the one getting the beatings on the regular and she is the one with all the rights .


    • alone3 4 years ago

      I'm not sure what I expect to gain from this but I'm a single mother of three children. I am becoming truly scard of my 15 year old child. As I have read the comments below I do feel a bit better (have struggled with feeling like a lousy parent). I have been being abused by my son continually and am alone, scard, and have a lack of direction/support. For a little over a year my son has been calling me horrible names, punching me, pushing me, breaking household items, leaving the house whenever, hitting his siblings, and refusing to assist with any household chores. I have had to call the police on him several times due to him punching me in my face, and pushing me to the ground so that he could get outside when he was grounded. The police were wonderful but there hands were tied. They could arrest him with my permission but informed me that he would be arrested and returned home until his court date. I neglected to arrest in fear that he would come home angry and destroy my home or hurt me and or his siblings. I am confused and could really use some emotional support right now :'( I came here because I don't know where to go or what to do.

      Thanks for making this page. I think a facebook page would be a great idea.

    • Annette 4 years ago

      Good afternoon everybody I cannot tell you how happy I was to find this sight. I am among one of the 17,000 plus adults who is being abused by her child of 21 years old. The abuse started when she was about 18 but has eculated since then. She started with tamtrum throwing, then making sure that she personally ruined any important day for me e.g. my birthday, mother's day, Christmas then saying to me "I ruined your important day good that is what I wanted I'm happy now" And the ruining could mean anything from swearing at me, name calling, acting crazy as I was preparing to go out or get ready for these important days. As the years went on this esculated into throwing heavy cereal bowls at me, a heavy vase filled with flowers and water to recently punching me and pulling my hair and running after me to attack me. This has happened about 4 times now. Then she tells me that she is going to kill me in my sleep. I have a younger daughter who is 19 this is very upsetting to her she yells at my oldest daughter telling her to stop treating mom so awful. Lou thank you for this site I now feel stronger because of it and plan to take action against this violence.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      As of today this hub has had 31,000 views since I wrote it. That 31,000 people all seeking advice and help because they are affected by this issue. People, you are NOT ALONE. You are not the only one going thru this experience. As you read this now, someone somewhere is going through the exact same abuse you are going thru. Our children are changing. Our children are exhibiting signs of a sickness that affects the whole of our society. This is the mental illness of the whole human race, and unless we as parents change this, it will carry on and on and on and on and on....

    • Bridgette 4 years ago

      My friend has a daughter who has abused her for many years. She is now 19 and is increasing fly becoming more and more violent. How can I help her. She feels she can still help her and was recently put in the hospital after passing out from a blow to the back of the head. Daughter was arrested for misdemeanor assault. The mom now doesnt want to press charges and is weak. She won't cut off her phone or quit secretly giving friends money to make sure "she survives" out there in the world. I'm in California, USA and need help as to where to look. I'm afraid she will kill her.

    • Leslie 4 years ago

      My daughter has slapped me across the face, punched me, swears at me all the time. My husband, son and I all agree that she is abusive. She is 18. She tells all the time that she hates me "down to her very bones". She is not like this 100% of the time, but at times she just "flips". She sometimes feels sorry and apologizes, sometimes she says I deserve it. Her close friends witness her disrespect and shake their heads. Her boyfriend tells her she's right and he hates me and thinks I am a bitch. I would really like her to move out, but I can't bring myself to make her leave, because I would then feel guilty. I wish I could just let go completely. I think one day she'll grow up and be ashamed of her behavior. I am so tired. She tells me to stay out of her business, I'm stupid, I don't know what I'm talking about, I worry too much, etc., but the minute she's got a problem, she lays it at my feet. I know I need to break from her, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. My husband would be behind it if I did. I just need to put these thoughts down somewhere. Thanks.

    • Ladycabbie 4 years ago

      what is the Facebook group called? I tried looking it up but it doesn't come up. Since I wrote this 2 months ago, my son dropped dirty again while on probation. He was ordered to do an evaluation at a drug rehab where they decided he doesn't need any help. He is also out of my home right now because he threatened to kill his little brother, along with coming after his dad and I once again. His probation officer of course, did nothing about it again and we sent him to stay with him bio moms mom. Not sure if she will be keeping him or we will be forced to take him back. His psychiatrist and our family counselor have both told me he needs jail time (along with telling his probation officer this) but his probation officer just does not want to see him in jail. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see my son in jail either but if he can get straightened out before he's 18 and it's on his record for life then I say do what we gotta do! I just don't know what to do with this kid anymore. If he moves back here, my son and I are moving to my mother in laws and unfortunately, it will be my son and husband here alone. I am very fearful of what will happen but I don't know what else to do. I have to protect my younger son too! Just hope my son doesn't kill my husband in one of his rages- then I'm sure the police will just say oops!

    • mary jane 4 years ago

      Hello Lou, im so glad i have found this site, i am a single mum of three teenagers, the children i have at home are 20, 19, 13 years old. I have dedicated my life to my children, im not saying im the perfect parent, but i have always been there for them, in every respect. My ex husband was emtionally abusive, and after 15 years of marriage to him, decided to end it. Eight years on i find myself been abused emotionally by my children, they refuse to contribute to the rent saying i am the parent, i should pay it, despite the two oldest working full-time. They will not do any work around the house, only preparing themselves food and leaving the dishes to me. I have recently brokent my leg and find myself in a position where i cannot do all the chores, and still they refuse to help. If i say i need help due to my leg, they say i just want " sympathy " say im pathetic because i cannot weight bare on my leg and am walking on crutches, i have managed to stand and wash the dishes though, because i couldnt stand looking at them anymore, the rest of the house leaves a lot to be desired. my oldest son tells me he has heard of people who have had both legs blown off and have to carry on, and have gone on to run marathons, i explained my leg was in plaster to allow the bone to heal. I have been in plaster for four weeks now, and in that time have been offered two possibly three hot drinks, i have to go into the kitchen make a drink, and drink it in there, as i cannot carry it to the lounge and use my crutches. The oldest two earn the same amount of money as i do, but i have asked them to pay a quarter of the rent each and me half, i do not think that is unreasonable, but they do, we may even loose the house due to my period of sickness, as i had started a new job and only worked there for a few weeks, so i have this added pressure to. I have felt so put down by them that i am considering leaving home with my youngest and getting a flat, for just the two of us, to make the older ones aware of the cost of living, and the work and effort that goes into running a home.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      right, I have the facebook group address here and its a closed group. I am writing the address here without the www. or the https bit because hubpages will pull my hub if it has links to a facebook group which they say violates their terms and conditions so if i write it on three lines, just take each component in order, and paste into your toolbar. I know its silly, but hubpages police have unpublished this hub twice since I tired to include links to the fb group so I have to be sneaky :)



      The group is called The Silent Suffering of Parents and Carers Abused By Children, and its a closed group. I am the admin and if you want to join to have a safe place to discuss all of your issues, its the place to come and support each other. Its quite new and we only have 7 members at present. lets get the numbers up :)

    • Chickwit profile image

      Chickwit 4 years ago


      I too am not able to find you on facebook. Not even under the name of your group. I'll keep looking though.

      Thanks so much!

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      I cannot understand why you cannot find it. Others can. I will post the full address here, but I may have to edit the comment later

      you will need to put the "https://www. " in front of the address minus the speech marks.

    • Ke 4 years ago

      Hi I am so stressed out my 6 daughter is out of control. Since I had a baby a year ago it's getting worse. Last night I was lying on my bed and because I was ignoring her tantrum she put her arms around my neck I couldn't breathe was so scared I have cried ever since I really don't know what to do please help :(

    • Sissy 35650 4 years ago

      I have a almost 17 yr old son that needs help bad . It's getting worse and everyone else is seeing it. last night he left marks on both of my forearms and tried to break my fingers.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      you need to go and see your doctor and get her checked out for any form of autism and get some help for yourself.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      YOu need to accept that you are a victim of domestic violence and seek help from your doctor and the police.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      It is there, and if you use the link I have provided you will find it. Others are being able to find it so I know it works.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      the only way is to prosecute for assault. She is not a child, she is an adult and should be thrown her out of the house and the locks changed. YOur friend needs to understand she is being assaulted by an adult, no different than if she was mugged on the street.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      These are not "children" but adults who are committing assault. The best thing you can do for them as a parent is show them what happens to adults who break the law. Prosecute for assault and throw them out of the house and change the locks. Would you tolerate this behaviour from a stranger? no? then you have the power to do something.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      The thing is, when you foster a child, you are not getting a "perfect child", you are getting an equivalent of an unwanted dog with behavioural issues from a dogs home. Don't get me wrong, I am not comparing a child to a dog, merely the situation.

      It is never ever easy, and fostering a child with a view to adopting one takes time dedication, patience, compassion and experience. Sadly, many childless couples who are desperate for a child do not comprehend this and it is a complete shock to the system when they discover that the foster child they have given everything becomes abusive.

      Look upon this experience as one of deep learning. You mention she brought you back to when you were 11 years old emotionally, because she was acting out after being rejected. She is a child, not an adult, and one who has no trust in any adult whatsoever. You are still so trapped in an 11 year old emotional state that you are hiding in your room and refusing to look at her, despite the fact she is trying to communicate with you in a confused state after being unable to control her compulsive and abusive behaviour. You have not reassured her at all or made hr feel safe. She is a child. You are the adult she is supposed to be able to trust and feel safe with.

      I would advise you and your husband to seriously reconsider what you are doing.

      No child in the care system is "issue free". They all have issues, emotional problems, history of abuses et, which is why they end up in care. Not because of any fault of their own, but because they have been failed by the adults who were supposed to be caring for them.

      I have many friends who have been long term foster carers and its hard. A foster child often is violent, and yes you can classify it as abuse because it is, but the first thing any experience foster carer will tell you that being verbally, mentally and physically abused is a part of the job. You also have to be issue free yourself, and have come to terms with all your hang ups, so that you do not have your "buttons pushed" by a child who will inevitably abuse you because it has been rejected and/or removed from its natural family.

      I am not sure which country you live in, but in the UK it is very common to get a child who hits and verbally abuses you from the care system. In the UK, you have to go on a foster carers course and you are trained to deal with this type of behaviour. Most of the potential foster carers drop out, finding it too emotionally difficult to deal with older children, and even those that do, will only take a certain age group. Most of them want the unwanted babies, which are far easier and more rewarding to care for.

      Sadly, there are not enough unwanted babies to go around, but there are millions of unwanted and disturbed older children, made that way because their own parents could not care for them, or because they have been orphaned, spilling out of children's homes in the UK. These kids will never find a foster home or an adoptive home. It is not because there are not the families out there who want to adopt a child, or foster one, but there are very, very few people up to the job, because as you and your husband have discovered, it is gruelling and demanding. It is the equivalent of volunteering to join the front line knowing full well that there is a 90% chance you will be shot and killed in the first 24 hours of active service.

      I am sorry if this is not the advice you wanted to hear, but foster kids need a 1000% more compassion and love, patience and understanding despite their abusive behaviour to gain their trust and get thru to them, and it sounds like you are just not in a position to do this.

      This is not your fault, but the response you have exhibited as a foster carer is exactly the sort of response which the child does not need to learn that abusing someone is not OK. The fact that you are hiding in your room and cannot look at her tells me you are more concerned of your own welfare and feelings than that of the foster child.

      Abusive foster children are a completely different situation than a natural child being abusive for no apparent reason, which is why I wrote this article.

      I have years of experience with many different types of children, able children and special needs children, and abused children.

      The fact that your foster child is talking about your plans for the future is a way of her trying to communicate to you that she is sorry, out of control, remorseful and frightened of being rejected yet again. A trained foster carer would see this, and not be so blinded by their own unresolved childhood issues.

      I think you are making absolutely the right decision to send her back to the care home, I do not think this child is right for you at all. In fact I believe that you and your husband are not right for this child.

      I would seriously reconsider fostering or adopting a child until you have sorted out your issues and fears and accepted the reality, that fostering a child to adopt is like taking on an dog with severe behavioural issues and will take years of perseverance, compassion, self sacrifice and love to get any results, if any. there are no guarantees. I am glad you have had this experience now, because by the time you have adopted a child to figure this out, its too late, and you then drop the child back into a system that could not care about its issues, just its day to day care. This girl will grow up as a disturbed and emotionally damaged young woman, incapable to rearing her own kids if she does not get the help she needs. You and your husband, despite being full of love, eagerness and the will to give an unwanted child a home, just aint living in the real world when it comes to these children.

      Your social worker has failed not only the child but you as well. More often than not, a social workers caseload is so heavy they are willing to place any child anywhere just to get them out of the children's home to make room for the many more arriving at the doors. Often you get no case history and you are left to deal with a confused, scared, untrusting child who is suffering from rejection and cannot build bonds. They run on a self preservation programme which often uses violent and abusive behaviour to make them feel like they are in control of their own lives, to protect themselves from further hurt and rejection. They have often been bullied, physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually abused.

      I am not trying to denigrate your experience which has obviously made you feel like you can no longer cope ( and you are validated in feeling this way: abuse is unacceptable), but this particular case is not like the rest of the people here who suffer abuse for no reason at the hands of their own child. You do not have the maternal bonds with this 11 year old girl, that other mothers have with their own children, and that is important for the child and the mother. When this bond is broken, the child trusts no one, not even the natural parents, which is often why they end up becoming abusive.

      I would book some counselling sessions with your social worker to explore the issues to have encountered before taking on another child, because if you do not, this will happen again, resulting in the same problem of the child being rejected again, and you feeling like a failure and left heartbroken and confused as to why you cannot have a child you just want to give a home and love to, and be a family. I do understand what you have experienced, and abuse is never ever acceptable. There is work here that needs to be done and the sooner you and your husband face up to it, the better you will all feel.

      You should contact a foster parents support network and get involved with other foster carers with decades of experience for advice and support and find out how to cope with behaviour of a rejected foster child.

      Good luck, and lots of love to you x

    • carrie 4 years ago

      I have a 16yr old daughter who is verbally abusive and recently took it to the level where she hit me. I had to hold her down by sitting on her and holding g Ger arms Downs. I left bruises on her arms and now I'm being investigated by cps they sure didn't take any pictures of my bruises tho. I'm awaiting to see the end results of the investigation. Its tough to deal with but they say it gets better

    • Jellow 4 years ago

      I am a teenager, just recently turned 18. I can account for the fact that this kind of abuse happens and does cause family breakdown. My brother shows all the signs included on this page (with the exception of physically harming my mother). I did notice that it said "the ability for empathy and compassion is not present in the teenage psyche" I feel this part is not entirely accurate, although most of my colleagues show no such sign of either empathy or compassion, I myself feel that I do not lack said traits, and have not throughout my life. I can also say, in support of my mother, that I have excellent parents and that I am the person I am today because I have always looked up to them for guidance and support. I feel helpless when my brother abuses my mother and even though they are trying to do something about it by sending him to a support group I feel it isn't helping. I support my mother as bet I can, but violence only leads to more violence (which my mother taught me) and I have no financial means nor skills to use to help my mother stop this behavior. He abuses drugs and often drinks and I wish she would do more that what she is doing, but money is tight enough right now with me going to college soon and his meetings being paid for and I just don't see how she can do anything else. I just wish he would wake up and see the damage he's doing. I don't even think I really consider him my brother anymore, now to me it's like hes just an ass who lives in my house and abuses my mother, and I'm sick of it.

    • Keeley 4 years ago

      Nice to hear and read all these comments and know its not just my family. I have a 14 1/2 year old son and I'm at my wits end.. He has had the best life mum and dad still together solvent 2 younger siblings and never wanted for anything but it seems I got it wrong. I can't see where any of this will end. The devastation of realising your son is strangling you in a head lock releasing and adding pressure in a controlled manner still has me in tears. I can believe things have got to this stage. Me and my husband have been together 17 years and this is the only thing that has come close to rocking us. My husband just doesn't speak to our son anymore, he can't , he is a police officer and after being threatened by our son that he will report his dad and make him lose his job what can my husband do?.. Call social services he tells me .. Then I will tell them what a bad mum you are and they will take away the younger children... Yeah these are some of the god awful things we get threatened with and never is any remorse shown. Oh we have tried all the tips and books, reward and punishment, love and respect, talking, anger, but still I get called a retard. Don't tent me wrong there are brief moments of niceness...obviously in the run up to hm then demanding something but we do hold onto the nice times thinking one day they may stay and see he can't be that bad he does know how to be nice sometimes, thing is I love him with all my heart , I would give my life for him , I am in constant state of sadness or trepidation. Worrying when I hear the front door as to what mood is going to walk in the house. On a good day he will come in and be positively happy but it can change in the blink of an eye. I'm scared to tell him to do anything because I get told to make him ... Well clearly I can't make him... I tell him I'm gonna confiscate things and he tells me to try and get them off him, I try to ignore him ..don't take the bait when he is goading me and then I wonder why is it only me that feels sad about all this, where are his feelings??. I spoke to the school and they couldn't believe the charming hard working boy they knew could swirly behave like this oh if only walls had eyes then maybe I could get smemhelp to change this.. Nice to know I am not alone but we all need some support and to get back some power.

    • sherry 4 years ago

      my daughter is a adult she and my grand kids lived with me for yearsShe never had a job so we took care of the done everthing for her she lived wit us and never have to pay nothing ,we took them on all kinds of vaccations ever year ,we payed fpor all the holdays and every week end almost we were all ways going to somewhere flooting camping roller skating etc ,then she move out and we still helped her .her and the kids never done without anything she needed help we was there to help, WHILE SHE LIVED WITH US SHE STARTED STEALING FROM US AN TRYING TO CAUSE TROUBLE .WHEN i COUGHT HER SHE PROMISED SHED NEVER STILL FROM ME AGAIN . I BELIEVED HER . SHE MOVE OUT FINALL ,THE SHE BROKE INTO OUR HOUSE AND STOLD ALL MY PERSONAL THINGS RTHAT MENT EVERTHING TO ME TO ME IT WAS PRICELESS ,BUT SOME OF IT WASNT WORTH ANYTHING TO NO ONE but me . like my cloths pictures movies etc. she said shes done without a mother all this long why should she start now ,Im not sure how to handel this ,does any know ? I reported it but got no where,

    • Annie 4 years ago

      my son is 27 years old and has lived in the family home all his life. He went to university got a good degree but had a nervous breakdown in his first good job. Since hius recovery he has been unable to hold down a job for more than 2 or 3 months mostly veing unable to cope with pressure and "team" culture. Now he has opened a website and insists on travelling all over the country to find information for this website. Up to now we have given him financial help but he has bled us dry and refuased to give us money back. Even when he has had money he would spend it onb clothes or equipment and gadgets rather than pay us anything of the £5000 he owes.

      Now we have nothing for our retirement and we have had to make him homeless to get him out of the house. He still comes home most of the day as he has no job at present and as we are Christians we try to

    • Donna 4 years ago

      I understand that my children who are adults have been abusing me for years. I know it and have finally had enough. My heart will never be free of the pain that they are such sick individuals and I will never have what I wanted most in life...


    • Victoria1959 4 years ago

      I just located your group on Facebook and sent a request to join. This article and all of the associated posts and comments have helped me immensely. I feel such despair. My daughter will be 17 in a few months. It's been a nightmare since she was 12. The foul language, verbal attacks, she refuses to follow a single rule, stays out well past curfew every night, lies, steals, is truant, uses drugs in our house despite repeated warnings, and more. She has begun to get physical and has punched me several times. It's like a nightmare that won't end. Oh, I live in the U.S., although it sounds like these heartbreaking experiences are (sadly) universal.

    • Jyn 4 years ago

      To all parents who have been abused by their children (yes, all of that is abuse, and because people in general or young people in general are behaving abusively doesn't mean it isn't abuse):

      LOOK AROUND YOU. Chances are that unless you have been an abuser yourself, there are persons who are influencing your child to behave this way.

      In my case it was an abusive ex-spouse who taught our child to abuse and revile me and rewarded her for it; a classic case of DIVORCE POISON. In another case, which is seared into my brain, I watched a young man belittle and defy his mother in a store with sarcasm, name-calling, and obscene gestures, and when DAD came around the corner to join them HE LAUGHED. So you don't have to be divorced to have one parent teaching the children to abuse the other.

      I no longer see my abusive mother, and one reason was that I repeatedly overheard her demeaning me to my very young child, in baby-talk (gag).

      SWEEP CLEAN your life of people like this or your health and any hope for a relationship with your child doesn't stand a chance.

    • Phil 4 years ago

      I have an emotionally abusive ex. My daughter who is 12 is strongly influenced by his behaviour. Although I am out of the house, I still suffer from him via text or email (as we are supposed to have joint custody). And I now see my daughter is emotionally abusing me as well as my 8 year old son. It's very subtle at this point but i know too many of the signs from staying in my abusive marriage. I realized today my self esteem is once again being eroded and I have to somehow fix myself and then hopefully get my kids on track. I would like to get then out of Dad's house but trying to convince Case Managers, Lawyers etc etc of Parent Abuse is VERY difficult. The cycle of abuse must not continue through my children......they have too much good stuff in them and are being poisoned.

      Please - if any one has words of wisdom I really really need them. Thank you.

    • A tired mom 4 years ago

      My child has had mental and behavioral problems since the age of one and I have endured much pysical abuse from him. He is becoming a teenager and strong. When you ask for help or tell someone about what is happening in the home, they laugh and say it is me not the boy. I am always his target and he has already tried stabbing me, throwing objects at me that could really hurt me or even kill me, punching, kicking and bitting. He also calls me every name the book and has no respect for me at all. I think that the government should look at all the cases that there is and consider trying to pass a law to help the parents. Children need but so do the parents!!

    • nancy 4 years ago

      Thank You for the love and support you gave I am totaly with you on this subject and not to proud to say that I have been the most understanding never controlling but always silently praying mother any kid would ask for was physicaly abused now verbal shes 18years now and knows if she hurts me again the police told her they will press the charges,Your mother won't have to, but if had to I WILL in a minute Im tierd of being scared and hurt by anyone we do not nor any individual have to put up with feeling like a piece of crap, all I ever askhed for in my home is love,respect,understanding,no yelling with calm communication and I dont think thats asking for to much, thats how I grew up Thank You Daddy. Hugs to all In this pain we all know and o tolerance to it. Your Friend. Sincerly, Nancy R K

    • Jyn 4 years ago

      To "Phil" - It is very difficult to prove abuse because the legal system is designed to stop the complaints, not the abuse. Additionally, the cards are stacked against women in legal family matters. I say this because the complainant is almost always a woman who is "trying to get something" from a man (whether it is money to help feed her children or to compel a man to leave her alone). The concept of "divorce poison" typically describes the powerlessness of men who felt manipulated by women in the modern, "progressive" arena of legal custody. The book "Divorce Poison" is even-handed, but the original concept and its use in custody matters is slanted to portray mothers as abusive, manipulating women who use their children to hold on to the father.

      The following is a generalization, and I wish it were not generally true: In my situation and I suspect the situation of so many women is that because mothers are usually the primary caregiver (even when the child spends 50% with the father, it's usually the mother who attends to the "little things" and is aware of the child's welfare 100% of the time), mothers are vulnerable emotionally and economically. Abusive men exploit this in a situation described as Threatened Mother Syndrome. This is one tactic my abusive ex used for many years. One example from my own situation was to delay paying any bills (we had an informal agreement) until I contacted him frequently and became angry; my anger and "harassing behavior" was the evidence of my greed and emotional instability which explained why he did not want to deal with me. Obviously, my ex didn't want to support his child with money and this was the explanation that he invented to justify it to himself, his friends, and to our child.

      I think that joint or shared custody is a failed solution to divorce. It does nothing to support the children, it merely cuts them in half between parties who clearly disagree, and it equates real parenting with cash. For more, read the book The Neutered Mother, the Sexual Family by Martha Fineman; it helped me "fix myself," as you say by correcting my viewpoint. Mothers by nature (usually) set aside their mechanisms for self-protection in order to care for their children, something that patriarchal society and individual abusers are quick to feed upon.

      I had to address the issue with my child directly and it was extremely painful. It has taken almost 12 months of numbing patience and love (from whence it came, I still don't know) to DEMONSTRATE to my child that I expected her to be a better person than her attitudes and behavior; I did and do it by setting an example of rational and practical living, self-sufficiency, and FREEDOM FROM MAKING OR RECEIVING JUDGEMENTS of others - and absenting myself if I feel I can't.

      I don't expect that my child will ever see her father for who he really is. He is a master deceiver, and has a "madonna/whore" complex regarding women; there must be a bad woman to contain his projections in order for him to deal positively with other women. His daughter is the good woman and I am the bad one, so he treats her quite well. (I was the good woman and his mother the bad woman when we married; when we divorced he was able to reconcile with her and we switched roles in his mind. He has done this with every woman I've seen him interact with, from employers to his current wife.)

      The best result will be for my daughter to be healthy and safe. She still tends toward abuse but I think she is overcoming her shame at her behavior and is making real progress. (Can't blame her, must forgive! Hardest thing!) Subtly, the influences of her father are still present, but I have confidence that she will continue to improve, especially as she begins to see these horrible behaviors in society at large when she becomes an adult (soon); then she can see that this problem isn't limited to her father or to her own family.

      Hang in there, Phil. Educating myself about the topic and my spiritual discipline has helped me a lot. I never could have "risen above" the mire and pulled my daughter up with me without the support of internet sites, books, and my inner light. I know that I attracted this situation due to my history as an abused child. Changing me changed the situation. Hang in there!

    • Jyn 4 years ago

      I want to clarify that I endorse healthy parenting behavior by both men and women, and realize that this issue is NOT a gender issue to my thinking. HOWEVER, mothers are quite disadvantaged in this area, and any research into the development of Parental Alienation Syndrome, Divorce-Related Malicious Parent Syndrome (DRMPS), as well as family law, will show very clearly how the weak position of mothers in society has been further pathologized based upon a compilation of individual worst-cases. Recently, gender-neutral wording and increased competency of therapists and legal experts is improving and I hope that ALL PARENTS soon feel free and willing to love their children so that ALL PEOPLE, parents and children alike, can be healthy.

    • Tania Shwenk profile image

      Tania Shwenk 4 years ago

      Thank you for posting this article. I'm in the US and my son is 19. It would be nice to hear from other parents who are going through this to share advice, a laugh and mostly to lessen the guilt, shame and isolation.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      Check out the facebook group, the link is further up the thread :)

    • julie 4 years ago

      Every night when I go to sleep I ask my subconscious to give me happy dreams; a little space in my life that doesn’t hurt.

      Because, as a mother I would trade my life for my child to get better , and nothing, nothing that i do or sacrifice of myself ever makes it better. Then those rare dreams where I am swimming in or adventuring somewhere and being someone I have long since forgotten about, well that’s all I have of me.

      It doesn’t often happen that I get those dreams. But when I do, I carry them around in me for as long as I can.

      Now, I have something else. After finding this site I know I am not alone. Thank you, thank you for setting it up. Because I will carry all of you in my heart whenever I feel shame or desperation and you will make me stronger. And I hope that I make you stronger

    • confused 4 years ago

      julie i have popped back for a read and some identification so i think it does give me strength too. i am in similar desperate place as when i last posted.just that sickly feeling when i realize my son has no limits to the damage he will do to me and has done but at same time feel a deep love for him. very rarely do ispota deep vulnerability in him which i saw today and abuse of me at same son arrested last night for first time he 15 he was there all night never slept. in morning he got a lawyer and an extra person he said he read about it and his rights on internet . almost like he planned getting arrested just so he could test out this new knowledge. but when he came home he seemed vulnerable for a couple minutes. then started up again when ss was taken in by sons fake placidness and told me he clever and that i should be proud. i already told ss that i was proud five minutes before. im not saying im not proud, or that i dont love him , im asking for someone to believe me about his behaviour at home.instead of feeling sorry for him. which i did today. he is clever, by i am the victim of his cleverness. because he use it in devious ways towards me. has anyone taken medication to cope with childs abuse. if so does it help with not reacting no matter how long they push it for. as i was told if i dont react he will change. by ss. well if u love someone deeply it gonna affect u whether u react or not but less chance of reacting if u dont feel it.and being comfortably numb sounds good to me. and it may be better for son in long run. the amount of time son spends being abusive or trying to get reactions it just seems impossible to keep cool head for so long and so often. but son needs this from me. i knew a man who could do this with his kids, keep cool constantly. never got upset. his wife described him as cold. julie im glad u got ur dreams. u keep hold of them. i used to dream alot about being able to fly and sometimes in a helicopter. they come and go. these are the best because like u i feel so happy in the dream. and flying is realistic because maybe one day i could have flying lesson. and your dream realistic maybe not now but one day. chearing me up thinking about it. sometimes these little things in life arent enough, like dreams, or child saying love u and meaning it once a year and having rare good day. but at the time its all u got and its more than what u had. sorry im blabbing i been up all last night. this is a bit of self therapy.its like being old before your time. and all u got is memories. but they r valuable. and i had flying dreams ever since i was is funny how we can care about such things when all else is lost.i wish society would stop ignoring and suppressing all of us.and giving these kids power and rights over parents teachers ect.its like they are deliberately dumbing down our kids. by letting them self they become cheap government slaves when adults.with no son getting social worker. do they even help?

      can i even trust a social worker sent specially for son. will he take sons side, like duty worker ss. and egg son on for man power against women. or hatred against mothers.will he twist sons words against me and write nasty notes that get filed for ever . will he get taken in by sons lies. is he qualified in making peace between son and mother or just interested in hearing bad things and writing them down but no help like most.will post to let the site know. sweet dreams julie

    • Marsha Andrews 4 years ago

      I have an adult married daughter with an 8 month old granddaughter who is precious. My daughter started acting out by the time she was a teenager. Raising her was difficult to say the least. Going through a wedding with her was even worse. I think she thought we had limitless funds. Long story short, I by no means was a great parent. I know I did scream too much. I have told her and written to her how sorry I was for all of my wrong-doings as a parent. She never acknowledged my letters nor my apologies. We were at her house a couple of weeks ago. They had just gotten home from a long day of shopping. Despite getting what she wanted for Easter, etc., she seemed very very angry. My son began to fix something in her house that needed fixing, my daughter in law started to fix dinner. Her husband began o bathe the baby and put her down for the night. My husband was carrying out her trash, and I guess I was her target. I asked her if the baby could stay ip for just a little bit because we never get to see her. She proceeded to scream no. I mumbled under my breath and she yelled at me even louder to stop it. I immediately sat down on the sofa and did not say another word. It killed me as many of her angry outbursts do! I have asked many times to keep the baby and she acts like she doesn't hear me. I have asked her to go shopping but she always has something else to do. My husband has always taken up for my daughter and son. I feel like he is very passive aggressive and hates confrontation. Therefore, it is easier for him to agree with anything they say. While they were growing up, I was always the disciplinarian. They are both independent and good kids. They do not drink too much nor do they do drugs. I am very proud of them both. The thing that kills me is how she will only call and text her dad. I do everything wrong. I don't know how to get her to talk to me. I cried nearly all night last night trying to figure out what to do. I figured I would call and ask her if we could talk. I have tried calling but she won't answer her phone. At my wits end! Help! My heart is breaking!

    • Rachel 4 years ago

      I read all these coments at 3am in the morning whilst listening to my 16 yr old son banging walls and shouting abuse at me.

      We are a family of 6,with an older son of 17 and twin girls of 9. Our 16yr old has made life hell for the past 5 yrs, with violent episodes that result in calling the police.My daughters are both petrified and my eldest son doesnt want to live here anymore. At the moment he is on a 9mth referral order but no-one seems to be able to help, we asked social services for respite but they didnt want to know.My question to them is when someone is killed or injured in the family home how will they deal with that when we have asked for help on many occasions.My son steals,lies and abuses everyone around him,especially myself, we have gone down every avenue and used all outside agencies but nothing has helped. I desperately want to help him but now at the point where he is more dangerous and have to put other children first. I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone

    • confused 4 years ago

      when my son gets away with lieing about me to his social worker , who is gullible, and manipulating him, only then when worker gone home , and son has won for his right to carry on abusing, does my son show a glimps of vulnerability. but only after hours of arrogant faces and many shows of dominants and showing me whos boss. and reinforcing his lies, telling himself and me they are true,and that there is always a reason to abuse me , and ss have accepted his reasons. although they are made up from truth and twisted very cleverly. aww how sweet , just like his dad. and ss are allowing his behaviour because they refuse to listen to me , the adult. because they think im just stressed because im single parent who is prone to anxiety and depression anyway. so this is where son gets his power in that i am stress anxious. and it is affecting him according to ss. this may be true. but does that give son the right to completely dominate, control, try for reactions over the whole weekend, evenings , when he get home from school. does it geve him rights of power. does it take away my rights to be listened to as a concerned adult. victims of bullying do suffer from anxiety, depression stress, ect. and thats why i anxious in forst place because i was bullied by his dad and family . why the hell cant they have him. they wont. they just moan about me. son is same as them. and their is not one difference between sons personality and his father apart from son is ambitious.and even this could be twisted by ss by sayingMOTHER RESENTS SON FOR LOOKING LIKE HIS FATHER. its like women are still treated like idiots. especially mothers. if u want to be respected in this life u wont be as soon as u become a mother. u are just part of a herd of cows in a field. and there doesnt seem to be many single fathers here, even anonymous ones.but , i might be wrong, i think single fathers fair better than single mothers as they are not stigmatized. well, at least this takes some pressure off, as son is a male and its a mans world. so he will be fine , with or without my help it seems. if im repeating what already been said by others its only because ive read posts and im identifying. what does loving someone and feeling intimated and scared do to your mental health . it cant be good.

    • kathy 4 years ago

      l have a 13 year old abusive so he is physically violent and verbally abusive.l found rejection is the worst thing for him l had him placed out of home care for 4 weeks.He felt rejected and an outcast ,l see him each day and l give him lots of hugs,and tell him l am there for him .He has accepted support he has accepted change.

      l look at all the positives hes achieved and when he goes angry and violent l just hold him until he calms down.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      Rejection can do one of two things to a child with abusive behaviour. If its felt as your son has, and its reinforced with love and compassion, then they get the message. Its a wake up call, because what they are feeling is that their beahviour is rejected while they themselves are not. This is positive and healthy and essential for change. If on the other hand if the abusive child AND their behaviour are rejected, then its does nothing but serve to reinforce their behaviour and they lean nothing, and lose all their support when they need it most. Its takes an adult to recognise this, but sadly, in my experience, most of the parents who are suffering from abuse need love and support themselves to help to develop mature emotions and thought processes to help their own children. This is not about blame, since often, these adults have suffered damage as a child themselves in one way or another. It is very, very, very common among all adults, whether they have children or not.

    • Mommyhidinginthecorner 4 years ago

      Majority of what is written here describes my life with my 14 year old son, unfortunately at the age of 5 years old he was encouraged by my extremely abusive husband, who was filled to the brim with unbelievable hatred, and rage and wanted nothing more than to finish me not only mentally but physically and would receive great pleasure at my pain, he would encourage my son to take sides with him, and teach my son how to destroy not only my car, by removing the car battery, removing the wiring under the hood, but would scream at the top of his longues for my child to not obey Mommy, If I would only tell him to brush his teeth, or comb his hair, my x husband would be furious if my son obeyed. Now my son has followed suit, and takes great pleasure at stopping at nothing to scream out un ending lies about me, he won't make his bed, or clean a dish, he will threaten me in every possible way bullying me, screaming that I am hitting him, screaming get away from me, when I am not even near him or touching him,. I am like Betty Crocker, miss happy homemaker, and yet can smoothly transition into most jobs, educated and sought after by other guys who would have been thrilled to have me, it wasn't as if I was ms. Undesirable do nothing, as I was pretty knowledgable in not only early childhood education, college major, but had a lot of other interests. It seemed the more I cleaned, or cooked, or gave of myself or did the more it worked against me. No appreciation. no love. No kindness was shown by either father or son, now the vandalism done by the father is the same that I am noticing in my son, there is this tremendous underlying sense of entitlement . like you owe me, going on, when he was younger, he even threatened to jump out of the car while driving on the highway if I didn!'t say yeas to him. There is so much more to write here, but it would be endless, it just keeps going on 24/7 as he was just thrown out of school. The threats and bullying, mixed with the lies continue, God help me, I think an exorcism is in order.

    • Anon 4 years ago

      I am at my lowest ebb at the moment, having just suffered about two hours of verbal abuse from my 13 yo son.

      It follows 6 months of esculating swearing, calling me names, spitting at me. He does this on a daily basis now, and I feel helpless, I am frightened to lose my temper, to show that I hate his behaviour. I feel completely letdown by the law, I cannot even smack him.

      Before you run away with the idea I am a woman..I AM A MAN, 6 feet tall and 17 stones, yes I am old, but not frail.

      I love him so dearly, he is my baby..I have 3 other older sons who are grown up, they have children of their own.

      They would never have treated me in this manner.

      I feel ashamed to tell them, I feel ashamed to even tell friends.

      My friends know there is something amiss as he has often verbally abused me in their presence, making a joke of it!

      I am a single parent, my ex wife bought him up until a year ago.. she finally kicked him out leaving me to pick up the peices..

      I am desperately trying to cope, but fear if I report it to anyone he will taken from me.


    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      go over to the facebook page, where people come together and share their experiences. It matters not if you are a mum or a dad, you are a PARENT suffering abuse from a confused child. Love the child, but reject the behaviour. See your GP for advice.

    • Ruth 4 years ago

      I was a victim of long term domestic violence. My son followed in my husband's footsteps. I always felt guilty, like I was a bad mother, or else my son would love me. This article is really good.

      My son gave me a concussion some time back. He would often push me around and bruise me, but I still felt that I was responsible as he was my son.

      It's Mother's Day. My son Alex, now 23 years old, is with my husband. In front of me, my son told my husband he would be fine with my husband killing me. Alex has not called me today. My son has treated me like a criminal ever since I got the restraining order against his father.

      It was not just me who was abused. My daughter was also a victim, but to a lesser extent. Natasha and I were always under death threats. My son and my husband caused my mother's death after I got my restraining order. I loved my mother and don't understand how anyone could have harmed her. They also robbed her. She died penniless and I had to beg for funds to bury her. Now, I am the one who is starving. My husband cut my health insurance while I was in the cardiac intensive care unit and has made sure I have nothing on which to survive. My son lives off my husband and together they have spoken about waiting for me to die.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      You need to get some proper counselling, get both of them out of your lives, and you need to realise what is happening by taking back control and stop being the victim and start being the survivor. Why is your husband still controlling your health insurance or any of your finances? You are not dependent on him or your son. You have independence. even if they take everything you have, they cannot take your soul unless you give it to them. Everything else can be replaced. Seek out a domestic abuse survivors group TODAY to help you recover and rehabilitate. I send you love hunni, because you just don't realise just how far down the rabbit hole you are x

    • in the same boat :( 4 years ago

      hi, have attempted to go to your facebook link without success ...

    • freckles245 4 years ago

      Hi , I have a teenager that is treating me exactly like described in this article if not worse to be honest,I asked for help 3 years ago from the social work department and nothing has been done to make the situation any better if anything the social work department have basically given her exactly what she wants. I have 4 children altogether 2 are under the age of ten for three years my two little girls have been living in fear because they know that something will kick off and they get so upset when they see me getting hurt because my 14 year old daughter tends to hit me where it cripples me due to the disability i have (scoliosis of the spine and also damage done in the hip joint) and it literally has me laid up for days.

      As i said it started 3 years ago things were getting out of control with her she was walking out the door when she felt like it and wander in when she felt like it , i was being hit ,kicked,punched and even spat on i was called all the names under the sun . She wouldnt help with anything in the house or spend any time with all of us apart from when she wanted money .. we would get the nice teen then but once she had the money it went back to being abusive. It got to the stage where i couldnt cope with her and my 3 other children were suffering drastically , she was drinking alcohol hanging around with older kids especially boys i got the social work department involved and told them about her being violent her going missing until midnight at times ... she was just coming up for 12 years old then . I was told that i couldnt not physically stop her from going out the door and when she did walk out i was to have a set amount of time and when that had passed i was to call the police and report her as missing .. i did it was 5 nights a week the police began to know me by my first name and know instantly what the call out was about . When she would come in the police would then come to the house and want to talk to her and she threw abuse at them cursing and swearing sometimes pushing then and screaming in their faces. So all that has escalated and it got to the stage that for all our safety it was time to think about respite care or something like that , i worked with social workers and parenting groups you name it ive done it but its just getting worse and now being at 3 years its got to the stage that i cant have a relationship with anyone because the last one i had she reported that my boyfriend was "kicking her head in " while i watched this was utter lies she was examined by a doctor who said she had never had a hand laid on her but even so my boyfriend was dragged too the police station formally cautioned then questioned although he wasnt charged because the police and all the statements indicated that my daughter was lying it still left a mark on his name . Our relationship collapsed and we broke up because of the pressure my daughter found it funny and advertised it all over facebook . I now dont have any sort of relationship , friends nothing because i just cant bring myself to involve someone with the family only to be mortified by her behavior . As it stands due to her drinking underage and also smoking pot plus her police record of stealing , racial abuse , physical abuse and hitting a police officer plus hitting me etc and also lifting her hand to one of the youngest i had enough and told the social work that she couldnt live with us acting like she was so she was put in a young persons unit where she gets an allowance of £60 a month for clothes and £14 a week to tidy her room she comes and goes when she wants gets drunk goes missing all night and right now she is refusing to go too school and we just had a meeting on Monday there and they sat in front of me and said that they can not make her go too school i was also told that she could always go to college later in life and nothing has been done about the drinking because she does it at the weekends either when she is visiting us or decides to stay out all night . Im rambling a bit here but its hard to get all this down really , as it stands right now she is in a unit who have no control of her she does what she wants gets money that is spent on booze she is violent and abusive to my kids and i when she visits she steals from me causes arguments walks out when she wants doesnt want to be with her family ,But when we have a care plan meeting she tells the social workers and care workers that we dont want to spend time with her and that i like everyone else but her she also makes out that i am trying to keep her in all the time the list goes on .. i basically end up having them all glaring at me and trying to advise me that i have to include her more . I am going demented here i dont have any support at all and when i do ask for help it never comes . So i dont know how this will ever get sorted in fact i dont think it ever will im in fear of getting a call in the middle of the night telling me she is in hospital with alcohol issues or even raped because she looks older dresses older and hangs with older kids . I am so scared that my daughter is lost and wont ever come back again

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK



      I have to break the link or Hubpages wont let me publish. they say its all to do with spam links etc.

      just piece together the three pieces in a cut and paste and you should find it.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      Record her behaviour on your phone, take this evidence of her behaviour with you to care plan meetings. Confront her care workers with her behaviour, show them the film and contradict her lying. Request she attend an addiction clinic and that you place your younger children's welfare above hers and you refuse to allow your young children to be subjected to drunken abuse. See a solicitor about making complaints about the social workers lack of duty of care to your daughter in the unit. Take out an injunction on your daughter if necessary and only agree to see her at the unit until she and her social workers address her binge drinking. If you don't kick the social workers in the pants where it hurts with legal action they will not act. If they have her in their care and she is a ward of their care and they are her legal guardians they have a legal obligation to get her into school. If you let the unit walk all over you like she is then they will just let her do what she wants. They don't care for her because they get paid no matter what she does Once you start writing letters to your MP informing them that they are neglecting your child in this unit, things should start to happen. The social workers get paid bonuses and get sanctioned if they don't carry out their care plans. Make it clear you will not co operate with them unless her drinking and drug taking is addressed and that you will not have your young children subjected to that kind of abuse and behaviour.

      You have to face up to the fact that sometimes our kids are lost and nothing we can do will get them to come back if they don't want to. Some go , and go off the rails completely, and they have to walk their own paths. They make these choices themselves and we can guide them but we cannot make them do anything. They will always do what they want to do. The trick is to show them they can make the right choices by giving them strong boundaries and don't back down, move the goal posts or compromise on what you are prepared to do. They see you won't budge. Love the child, and hate the behaviour, but don't hate the child, because the child inside is still your child. Its just been messed up by its behaviour, and its behaviour is a result of confusion over what it sees as right and wrong. Sometimes, they never understand and they go on their own path at a very very early age and you are no longer apart of their story. And sometimes, sometimes they come back :) Big hugs xxxx

    • cal 4 years ago

      my 17 year old son started abusive behaviour 3 years ago,

      i used to cry so much. he would be so ashamed and sorry.

      i have been ragged,decked,punched,spat in my face,vile names,and the house damaged so many times. i was punched in my head 3 times a few days ago as i said something back to him in response of his verbal abuse. i have no support, dont know where to turn. my confidence has completly gone. i have been a lovely mum,devoted to my two boys all their lives. ive reached rock bottem. i have been close to calling the police a few times, but feared it would make a show of him and feared being beat up beyond all hope. i dont know how to cope or join the human race again, except to go to work. i also lost a job in 2006 due to them.

    • freckles245 4 years ago

      I am so glad i found this hub ! Your advice is great and i am going to do what you suggest on the next cpm because i am fed up walking on egg shells . Ive managed to get the Head social worker to come and see me on Tuesday so heres hoping he listens to what i have to say . Thank you loads this site is bookmarked and i will be back to chat .xx

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      hi lou purplefairy i have only just realised that i have used two different user names on here . it is because i use other user name on other site. so the user name confused is meant to be mission impossible.

    • jjm 4 years ago

      My 16 year

    • NoWhereToTurn 4 years ago

      Its amazing what you can "Google". I Googled "My 16 year old is hateful and abusive to me." I never thought I would get an actual hit with tons of articles, research, etc. I am a single mom and the teenager who is doing the abusing is the youngest of 3 sons. The other boys are gone and I am left alone with the offending child. I am afraid of him and his outbursts are becoming more frequent and more volatile. I'm not sure how this article helps me but I will admit that I found a little comfort in the fact that I am not alone in my challenges. I don't want to give up on him. I don't see anything positive coming in his future if we can't work through his issues. It seems to me that when someone else upsets him, he attacks me. I feel like a prisoner in a world that isn't mine. I took a step I never thought I would do. I called his probation officer today and told him what my son has been doing to me., ie. throwing drinks at me, stealing my car, calling me horrible names, insulting visitors, holding me prisoner in my own house, sneaking out at night, possibly doing drugs. I wasn't angry when I did it. I was just afraid for my son. I hope I didnt just make everything worse.... :'o(.

    • rubberheadedmomma 4 years ago

      I am in the same boat with all you parents I have a 16 year old daughter she figures now she is 16 she can tell everyone what to do how to do it and it goes on and on she stays out late leaving me sitting waiting for her when I send her a text and ask nicely when you coming home I get soon. I am tired of banging my head against the rubber wall, I am tired of talking to her for I feel I am just talking to a wall of grief. I sit at night crying what could of I done so bad for her to treat me like this I support her in everything she chooses to do, there is food on the table she don't suffer we are not rich but the bills are paid for monthly there is plenty of food here she never goes without there are days I want to take her put her over my knee and show her who is boss in this household I am responsible to your 18 its my way and the highway is closed until then but with todays laws this cannot be done I too as a parent think the laws should be changed just look at teens today how they wreck and destroy hurt and well it is endless..we as parents should be able to get our control back and clean up the streets everywhere in the world today. I am not saying we have to beat our kids like the older days when we grew up I totally agree with one parent that posted on here there should be some kinda camp that a parent can send there kid to kinda scare them straight as to what could really happen if they continue these actions towards their parents not all parents are to blame or maybe we are we gave them all to much now they just expect it here I go again banging my head against that rubber wall again and still got no answers.

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      hi freckles just curious to know how you go on with head social worker. did they listen.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      One thing I think many parents who are being abused should do is get their kids checked out for mental health issues and also for autism. So many parents who have been suffering are also parents of undiagnosed autistic children. The autism scale is vast and many kids on it suffer from mild to severe behavioural problems which often do not get picked up on until the kid is in its teens, which is especially true of Asperger's Syndrome in Girls.

      Often, if you can get your child's school special Educational needs dept involved along with your GP after you have been along for yourself, you might find you actually get some help. In many cases, the abuse from an autistic child is "condoned" by the health professionals and classified as a part of their condition, but if you can understand your child from this perspective, you can prevent many of the out burst and lead a happier life.

      I know you can because I did it. Both of my kids have Aspergers.

    • dyampir 4 years ago

      I found this article on May 25, 2012 at approximately 2:30 am. I know that this site has been posted to for quite a long time now and I don't know how many people are going to read this post....although I apologize in advance for my version of War and Peace.

      First off, none of you know me so i am going to use my child's first name. My 16 year old son is Alex. I have a 14 year old daughter named Britt and a 13 year old named Jon.

      My oldest son was diagnosed with autism when he was three years old. He would lay in the floor and kick and scream. He would fixatedly stare at objects, particularly fans and shiny things. He hated loud sounds like sirens, fire drills and vacuums.

      My daughter was developmentally delayed and my oldest son has an IQ of 147. All of them fall on the autism spectrum. I also have an 18 year old daughter that my parents adopted that is severely autistic and she doesn't have the same dad as my other three.

      I have felt for years that I am the link between my kids and the autism spctrum but there are no tests for adults that will confirm/deny that....atleast not that I've been given or have had offered to me. But, that part doesn't matter.

      What matters is that for years, I didn't know what behaviors my son could control and needed to be dealt with and what behaviors were a result of the autism...and no professional seemed to have a clue.

      My kids were very very young when me and their father mutually decided to part ways. We divorced as best friends and I have never talked bad about him to them, or tried to hurt him financially or withheld them from him. We get along great....just in small doses.

      I remarried when my youngest was nine months old. Over the years, they really grew to love him and cherish him.

      When all of my kids were old enough to start school, I saw a great change in them. Alex's behaviors calmed down and he was mainstreamed into a regular classroom, Brittany was doing great and jon just excelled.

      Everything went pretty smooth...yes, they had their normal sibling rivalries like, "Mom, make him get out of my room!" or "Mom, make him give that back!" or "Mom, ....." I took care of the issues.

      My husband became disabled in 2001 and was placed in a wheelchair. I became a stay-at-home wife and his caregiver.

      In 2004, he became the main disciplinarian because I went to a technical college and earned two degrees. I spent alot of time at school and doing homework so that I could graduate and have a chance at getting a good job to provide for the family. In 2008, I graduated with honors in two degrees.

      In November 2009, my family fell apart. My daughter ran away from home and accused my husband of first and second degree child molestation. My kids were taken out of the home from November 2009 to January 2010. Those were the hardest months I've ever had to go through. No, I didn't believe my husband was guilty...gyn exams showed my daughter had not been violated. But, I knew that I'd never get them back with him here. So, he had to go. He didn't fight me. Instead, he told me that he'd never stand in the way of me getting my kids back and he left the house. He is now 14 hours away with his mother and family.

      When my kids came home, they were at war. The boys didn't want to be in the same home with their sister. They accused my daughter of lying. I played referee daily to keep them from making comments to her to where she felt belittled and hated. I told them that regardless of whether or not she was telling the truth, we'd never know. I wasn't allowed to be there when she was questioned and all I kept getting from detectives was, "We can't tell you anything because you're not the suspect."

      I got to a point where it didn't matter if it happened or not....I'm her mother and I have to love her regardless. I would tell the boys...I don't care if you don't love her or how you feel about her. I better not hear anything negative because we are a family and you will atleast respect the people in this home.

      My daughter became hostile towards me. She accused me of not believing her. She would stand in my face and argue and tell me what she was going to do. She would leave the house even when she was told no. Then she ran away again. Today, her present behavior is awesome. She's been on probation twice and has also served 1 year in a group home, but it paid off. I have my loving, caring daughter back.

      My youngest son went through a rough last two years as well. He was very sarcastic to his sister and me. He blamed me for not bringing his "dad" home. I would explain that I can't. He would state his hate for his sister. I became a referee between her feelings and his mouth and hurtful words. Then he turned on me. Daily he'd cuss me. I became the B word, the C word...told to shut up...told to F name it. I would ignore ignore ignore hoping that he would stop if I didnt react the way he wanted me to. I told him, "I don't give you the power to talk to me this way," but it only got worse. He was great at school and friend's houses and people would look at me like I was lying when I tried to tell them what I was going through at home. When it got to the point of me sitting on the porch crying everyday I knew that I needed help. I called a counselor, set him up an appointment and took him in. When the counselor took him to see the Dr. about medication he told the doctor that he doesn't have a problem and that his behavior is a direct result of dealing with everyone in the home. The dr. sent him away without meds and Intensive Home therapy began. They have been involved with my family for the past 3-4 months to present. My son's behavior is now better and we are having a pretty good relationship. His words are not hurtful words now and I'm not having to play referee with him.

      My oldest son, is not like the other two. It seems as if nothing will change him. I'm pulling out my hair, I'm in tears, I'm struggling to keep my head above water and I need help.

      My oldest son also went through his battle of blaming his sister for her allegations in 2009. He would say things like, "We're not a family and we haven't been for two years." He doesn't want to do any activity that she's a part of. He will make comments like, "I'm not going to that B's concert. I'm staying home." Now I'm faced with three issues.

      1. Cussing a sibling

      2. Family participation

      3. Telling me what he's going or not going to do here's my take. If I get on him for cussing his sister then it'll get worse. He tells me, "Of course, mom. You take her side you always do. You love her more. etc..."

      If I tell him he's going to participate because the whole family is going, then it becomes a physical battle that I am not going to even enter. I would physically have to put him in the car.

      If I tell him that he's not going to tell me what he is or is not going to do then I get told to shut up and he goes and slams his door.

      However, it's gotten worse since November 2010. In November 2010 the school psychologist said that the teachers and staff of his high school are afraid of him. It was her recommendation to take him out of his high school and place him in a "Day treatment". The day treatment is a place where Alex receives curriculum during the morning and counseling groups and feedback in the afternoon.

      At school, he's cussing teachers, getting out of seat to pace, needing multiple prompts to do a task, threatening other students, not completing his assignments, and being aggressive. Then he learned that if he made his nose bleed and got blood everywhere that it was a "biohazard" and he'd get to come home. Quite a few days I got a call to come get him because he's using his fist to hit his face, or he's bloody, or he's threatening another student and we feel he needs to go home to calm down.

      At home, he's cussing me. He's using his six-foot 200+ pounds against my 5foot-four build. He's towering over me with fists clenched telling me to shut up or to leave him alone. He's slamming doors. He busted his laptop. He's broken every set of headphones and mp3 players that I've bought hi

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      hi lou purplefairy , i have wondered myself whether my son may have mild autism. because things are so repetitive. at the same times with same actions which get more severe over time. i went to see a doctor who isnt my usual doctor. social services phoned them and told me to go on anti depressants to cope with sons behaviour. although they dont believe that he does behave the way i told them. i asked the doctor whether my son could be tested. i thought there was a test but he said the diagnosis is from a phychiatrist or to go to mental health ss team. i have lost lot of confidence in myself and ss and doctors. and am worried that for one if i try to get him tested they will say im only doing it for attention. and on the other hand worried they might label him with something else falsly. it is in the sunday express about miss A. that this phychiatrist gets lot of money pleasing ss in falsly labelling mothers and children. And the doctor wasnt interested anyway. as no proof of his behaviour. but will ask my regular doctor. it is like getting blood out of a stone just getting basic health problems sorted im not sure she will be interested either. im sorry i do blabble a lot . i am a possitive person but i just dont have positive experiences from professionals, my son, ect.rubberheadedmomma , i relate to that bit about giving your child too much. i did spoil my son when younger and didnt realise i was doing it. but he had these behaviours since he was a baby. and i just wanted to make him better and happier little did i know i was making rod for own back. now an old lady over road keeps son spoilt. if i say no he go to her. i told her to say no yesterday. im really not sure whether his behaviour is because of the above or this mixed with mental health problem. i was always there for him too much. he had my constant attention and even that wasnt enough. maybe you can be too spoilt for attention. i talked through every little problem with him because he got so extreme with everything. excitement, tiredness, anger, happyness, impatient, impulsive, over the top , he is same behaviour with all these emotions. so you cant tell if he excited or angry even at 15. or whether he just trying to avoid homework. but he seems to be ok at school. his new sw doesnt listen to me and yawns. probably because i go on and on! he just puts it all down to anger isues. it is so much more complicated than that. he only been here once. it just an initial assessment. we had one here before him few weeks ago and he just dissapeared.left for personal reasons. i wrote it all down. the patterns of behaviour and every problem but sw said he only read a little bit of it. not even sure if he understand my writing as he not english. and everytime he tell fib he puts it down to comunication problem due to his language difference. im so desperate to be understood and heard i just go on and on and on. think im going loopy.

    • Lou2 4 years ago

      Hi Lou

      I feel for all the families out there that are experiencing the stress of living with an abusive child: the fear of consequences from what happened yesterday; what incidents might occur today; and ‘will this situation ever end’?

      My son will soon turn 30. I can't pinpoint when his abusive behaviour first started. He was the most beautiful natured young boy growing up.

      Over the last 15 years, life with him has been a constant roller coaster for our family. This year I have been forced to have the courts issue a restraining order on him, which restricts him from coming to our home. We live in a small town and see each other in public from time to time.

      For me the dilemma now is, can we ever reconnect? Every contact he instigates is loaded with manipulation: seeking money, favours, accommodation and love.

      If I respond to his contact, even to say, "I hear you", he sees it as 'a way in' to use us again.

      He still hasn't learnt how to look after himself without using everyone around him.

      Can he ever grow up?

      The longest he has held down a job is about 3 weeks and he usually has at least one day off or is late within the first week.

      Since removing our son from home (for the umpteenth time) and following through with the restraining order, we are for the first time in years feeling like our home is ours, and not a place to which we no longer want to return.

      Our story may frighten those of you who are experiencing this abuse from teenagers and hope that it will end soon.

      We tried so many ways to seek help - Counselors, support groups, self-help groups, and medical specialists. Our extended family and friends would try to help and then it became to hard for them.

      I think the biggest mistake we made was to feel that we were responsible for our son’s behaviour. We felt guilty.

      We loved him, encouraged him, guided him, picked up the pieces after him, etc., etc., etc. and all to no avail, he kept returning and kept abusing us emotionally, financially and physically abusing our property and with threats of violence towards my husband and others.

      I will never stop loving my son. I just can't live with him in my life and that hurts and seems so cruel as I watch him struggle with rejection.

      Always a mum.


    • kurtis nanna 4 years ago

      my daughter is at her wits end my 13 yrs old grandson,refuses to do anything she asked incuding,going to school,he is foul mouth,swearing, shouting,and threating her,and smashing things up,tv'scomputers,windows,her husband has had to give up his job to try to get him to school as they were getting fined,he is now fighting with his dad punching,him and hiting him he gave him a black eye,then carried on smashing things up,if he doesnt want to do something,he got on the roof and said he was gonna jump of,my daughter & her husband are worried he may hurt himself or one of the other children when he is throwing thing around and smashing them,what should she do,she has told the doctor and waiting for a mental health assesment,but this is happening about twice a week or more,She ask for my advice and until reading this I didnt no what to tell her i have advised her to call the police

    • drummerdudette 4 years ago

      The list above describes my partners son to the letter however he's no longer a teenager, he's now a 24yr old.

      For years both my partner and myself put up with this although for some reason he was more violent towards me. He's stolen from me, thrown numerous household items at me, a bed frame being one (don't ask), verbally abused me, thrown me across the room, damaged property, peeing all over the house when drunk, the list goes on.

      The last straw came a couple of weeks ago when I caught him stealing from our house. I obviously told him to put it back (which he did) and leave. The rage he flew into was unreal, he went for me and had me up against the wall by my throat, he had hold of me so tight I thought I was going to pass out. The look of absolute evil on his face was well words fail me. After phoning my partner to let him know what had happened I phoned the police. While I did that my partner rang his son's mother to tell he what had happened (she lives locally and he was working away) for some support for me until he got back. The woman instead blamed me for what happened and still does.

      To cut a long story short there is now a anti-harrassment order against my partners son. It means he can't contact me in any way shape or form either himself or through other people, he can't come to the house even to visit his dad (not that his dad really wants to see him at the moment) and he's not to come anywhere near me. If he does he'll be arrested. The police have also referred what happened to the domestic violence unit. He's apparently apologised but as you can hopefully understand I don't accept the apology and don't want to see him again.

      I guess what I'm trying to say is don't put up with it for as long as I did. My thought when I phoned the police was if I don't what will happen to me the next time? The help is out there but sometimes it takes a little courage to ask for it. Be strong.

      Hope that helps someone :)

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      kurtis nanna: get him checked out for Aspergers Syndrome, ADD, ADHD and ODD . 9/10 of these kids turn out to be undiagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder.

    • Only-me 4 years ago

      I am having same issues with my soon to be 16 year old. Just a quick question, I have been told by PCSO that he is obviously talking with his feet and saying he will be moving out in 13 days wen he hits 16....when I ask him why, he twists it and says 'well your the one who wants me to go'. Errrrr no! I have told him he abides by house rules and if he does not want to do do, then he, once 16, can feel free to walk out door, as will not stand for his bullying and disrespectful manner. He has 2 younger siblings aged 2 & 4 who are so scared of him. Have stated he will always have a room here, but he needs to show us and house respect.

      What I want to know is, if he does move out at 16, where do I stand legally, if after a few weeks he realises the grass is not so green on the other side of the fence after all? Are we legally expected to take him back? Fair enough if he has changed his attitude etc, but if he is still the same as when he left????

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      you are legally responsible for him until he is 18. He can leave at 16 with your consent, but he will still be a minor until he is 18, so he will have the right to move back in. If you feel he is endangering your youngest children, you can involve the police, but you will have to press charges against him and you will only have a case once he has done the damage. Perhaps some time away will make him realise life's not so grim at home after all and that he will change his behaviour. It sounds like he's acting out because he feels pushed out by the younger two. its common with teens and much younger siblings, and so they turn on the mum and blame them. the fact that he is saying 'well your the one who wants me to go' shows he is feeling rejection. Often, a teens perception of a situation is far different from the reality. Have you tried to get him to see a Connexions officer? He sound like he needs some help from Youth services who can advise him about housing and give him a counsellor to help him with his issues, which may be all he needs to feel secure enough to stop with the behaviour. Be firm with him, but show him he has options, and even if he does leave, show him you will support him in his journey to become independent. That means a bit of tough love, giving advice but not doing things for him. Go along with him to see the local housing officer so that he can comprehend what his responsibilities are when it comes to independent living. Sometimes thats all it takes for a wake up call. Try giving him responsibility of having a "bedsitter" in his room, with the same rules he would have if he was renting. Giving him his own space with a fridge, kettle, cleaning equipment etc in his own space, and refusing to do his cooking, cleaning and washing and it will soon made a big impact. Getting some good support for his issues and knowing that should he continue with his aggression he would find himself homeless and charged with assault might shift his behaviour. The possibility of prison and a young offenders institute might help him see reality along with counselling for his anger issues.

    • Only-me 4 years ago

      Hi Lou and thanks for your reply!

      He was working with youth workers etc as he was kicked out of mainstream school and was in a unit for kids with behavioural issues. He just seems so angry with the world, and especially me. He has ADHD and was until recently on medication for it, but at our last appointment with consultant, he told her he will stop meds when he is 16 as no-one can make him take them then, so rather then him just stopping them his consultant drew up a withdrawl plan and he is now med free. He wants to follow step-dad and his older brother into the military, but the fact that he was on meds will prevent him doing this as he needs to be x amount of years medication free, so has always blamed me for this as I was the one who made sure he took his medication every day. He has left school with no qualifications, and is starting to realise why myself and my husband have both nagged at him to work at school as he applied for college and could not get on the course he wants as he needs GCSE's.....which he does not have.

      I am so worried as to what he will do with his life, as despite his appalling behaviour towards me, I do love him, although he is slowly killing that love, but I still worry about him.

      I just do not know who to turn to :-( Have tried to find your facebook page but get message saying page is unavailable :-(

    • kristen 4 years ago

      my daughter,whos almost 14, is becoming more and more abusive to me. Last night she met her friend at the park, and i told her that if she wasnt home at the time i told her, id be coming to get her. 'you have to trust me, ill be home'. So, she was 5 mins late, and I went to get her. She wasn't even on her way, so I brought her home. I told her I was taking her computer, and she stood there, gave me the middle finger, and said 'fuck you'. I slapped her in the face, and she attacked me. It's not the first time. Usually I don't fight back, but this time I did to defend myself. I do everything for this girl, and I get constant disrespect, like I'm the worst mother in the world. I can tell my health is affected, and it's worrying me. Among other things. All I do is work, and put up with this degradation. Even when I do positive things for her, she constantly complains. I can see why my mother killed herself at age 15 from drinking too much if I was anything like my daughter, which I know I wasn't. If I would have hit my mom, she would have killed me. I don't have anywhere to send her, bring her, all I do is sit and worry. She gets good grades in school, which I'm grateful for, but I'm afraid shes going to get worse. I blame the absent fathers more than I blame myself, but I know I am not perfect. I think men who have babies and leave the mothers alone to do everything should be shot. Sorry, venting. I read all the stories on here, and I hope you all get the help you need. I feel for you, I really do.

    • Marianne Dean 4 years ago

      Wow - I didn't know you all were here until now -- my daughter has put me through a living hell -- using the card, "you're my mother, be the mother I need you to be" -- after years of putting up with this, I am broken down as far as you can go. When Mary Kennedy hung herself a couple of weeks ago, I got so scared -- there is only so much you can take. Abuse after abuse after abuse, followed by forgiveness, after forgiveness, after forgiveness, because that is what you are supposed to do with your child, has taken its' toll. I need to live, and I want to. Forgot to say, I have major depression also, and she takes advantage of that. I almost feel she is evil.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      Try again with the facebook group. It was under a secret setting, but I have now opened it up to a public setting. Its a closed group though and you admission will need approval by the admins.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      Think about it. You struck the first blow. You had no right to strike her no matter what she has said. You were not defending yourself but striking out in anger and frustration because you cannot control her.She retaliated under an attack. YOu do not have the right to strike your kid because you are a parent. Kids learn from the behaviour they observe. You need to get some help for your own anger and control issues because before you have confronted them, you cannot help your daughter. I think you are being far too constrictive and you did not show her any trust at all and you gave her unmeetable goals. Negotiation and talking to them like they are another adult gets better results. Show them the respect that you expect and it comes back. if she's in school and getting good grades, she is not the unmanageable child you imagine. Ease off on the controlling behaviour, look at it from another perspective and see things differently. You might find thats all you need to do to be able to communicate effectively with your daughter who is a young woman and not a child.

    • julie 4 years ago

      Hello everyone here,

      Over and over again in these posts I see guilt and shame expressed by parents. When we give birth it can be the most wonderfull moment of our lives. When it goes horribly wrong, despite all our efforts, we blame ourselves. Society does too. We are still stuck on Freud's belief that everything comes down to the parenting.

      I lived for years with this shame and guilt. And it's why I never sought help from anyone. I went to parenting classes, i read every parenting book. I tried and tried over and over again to be better, stronger, more patient, more disciplined, more loving (Almost impossible because i loved them so much already) with my son.

      I never ever hit my son. Once, out of sheer frustration i tackled him to the ground when he was hurting his sister.I felt very guilty about this and down the track, I was afraid to ask for help in case DCP (ausie welfare) found out and took him away.

      Many nights I would go to sleep crying because I felt so lonely, too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone what was going on. and sometimes I still do. But things are a little bit better now.

      I have learnt one very valuable lesson. DITCH THE GUILT.It's not your fault. And feeling bad about yourself only makes the situation worse. Your child senses it and uses that information to gain power over you, subconsciuosly or not.

      They can also scare themselves with that power, which can make their behaviour even worse.

      My now adult son eventually had an epileptic fit. It was his first and it terrified him. finally, I could get him to a doctor(i had been trying for years).Consequently he had a brain scan. It was found he had smaller rightbrain hemisphere and lesions in the area of impulse control and angr management in the frontal lobe area(I had an undetected virus in pregnancy). The funny thing is he was more relieved than me. He was happy there was a reason for his rages and lack of control, which actually helped him to have a lot less of them.

      Having a diagnosis helpd me and my children psychologically, but i may have never got that diagnosis.We suffered for many years. If your child is abusive, then it means they have a problem. Full stop. And nobody has any right to blame you. Whether or not there is a physical reason for their behaviour is irrelevent. The thing is, that child has reacted to the world in that particular way and its down to them to change themselves. You can keep offering love but never accept abuse.

      Even if you spoilt your children or beat them or was the best parent in the world, the only way is forward.

      I don't know all your stories, but i do know that whatever life has handed to you, I'm sure you have done your best. And it doesn't matter what other people are thinking of you, because they can never understand what your going through.If people are judging you and labeling you as a bad parent, wipe them from your mind. You can't afford to be hurt by them or societie's attitudes. You have a huge load on your plate to deal with and you need to look after yourself. Carrying a load of guilt won't help your burden.

      To Purple fairy for setting up this site, thankyou so much.

      It is a releif to know that here are others out there who understand the suffering that comes from an abusive child

      Good luck to everyone today, hope it's a peacefull one for you

    • Kelly 4 years ago

      I just read a book it was fiction but it covered a parent being abused by her child and it was one of the best books I have ever read.

      Forgotten Pages by Denise Landry

    • Hopelesshopeful 4 years ago

      My heart aches over all the stories I have read here. Yes, It helps to know that you are not alone. But at the same time I wish I was. I wouldn't wish this sort of misery on my worst enemy. Although the only enemies I have are my 16yr old son and my 27yr old daughter. One I am responcible for still and the other rips my heart out. And she wishes I would just die. The sooner the better is what she yelled repeatedly in front of my neighbors. While calling me a whore and all the rest. She has put her hands on me in a fit of rage. Even though she knows I am disabled. My son is currently staying with her which is not helping things. I was told that I can't kick him out at 16..that it is against the law. But have not been able to get confirmation on that yet. I have spent the entire day making phone calls to every agency I can find for help. But no return calls. I have complex P.T.S.D and I know it has not helped my children to be raised by a single mother with this disease . I have done lots of councelling and parenting classes. Have tried my best. I wish My son could get the help he needs. But without him physically hurting me. The police won't do anything. His behavior started when he was 4yrs old. He has O.D.D and P.T.S.D. But my health is getting worse and I just can't do this anymore. Please pray for my children. Love and light to all.

    • suffering-p 4 years ago

      I have refused to allow my 14 yr old son back into the home after he smashed a pint glass on his brothers head. Previous he has came at me with a kitchen knife and was only just able to be disarmed. he has assalted myself my partner my son and daughter. I have a younger daughter age 5 who he verbally abuses aswell. I have called police several times for different things. Social service now say if i dont let him back in I will be sent to jail for 3 months. They refuse to accomodate him but will gladly take my other kids into care if i go to jail. Is there anything i can do. I need to protect my other children.

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      hi all , just spoke to my doctor to try get referal to chams for my 15 year old but she said i will have to speak to the school so shes got proof of his behaviour. unfortunately he is very good at school. although withdrawn. oh well , im starting to get paronoid. i dont think they believe me.Theres always a catch 22. if school doesnt provide proof of any symptoms son may have displayed then its just my word against his. he was throwing a bucket at my head last night. broke my mop for the second time, shouted lies about me for all to here. tried to start a fight between a violent alcoholic neighbour and myself who is in and out of prison for theft and burglery ect ect. throws water at furniture. pushes me , threatens to break things. is constantly in a rage for days then suddenly acts normal for a day and then back again . when i try to get out he blocks me. or says he ll break things if i go out. or says sorry , give me one more chance then emediately starts again. and i never know whats wrong with him. he tells me things 3 days later that may have annoyed him but he denies thats why he was raging for three days. its usually something so small that its out of proportion to the behaviour. his eyes always look blurry. he says hes just tired. but when tired he doesnt sleep. his lower lids droop during his nastiest episodes. i can almost tell by them just how evil he will get. i asked him at the begining of one episode what is wrong with him in a sympathetic voice. he replyed that life was crap. he didnt have money(he works for good wages and wastes it ) that our home was crap, i had long talk to cheer him up but it made it worse and he just kept being abusive and i got fed up because i knew he just wanted money out of me. he was sleepwalking the other day. dont know if thats a sign of anything. oh well better get some sleep so i can face tommorow afternoon and evenings secret, private, mum only episode. i do try and stay out more now . and go out when he starts. because i know he enjoys it . i can tell by the smirk. but he does have a lovely side. so im told.

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      in between the smirks is severe anger. then guilt, or fake guilt then more provoking for a reaction and round and round. it only stops for 10 minutes when he comes home then hes raging again and then now and again once every 3 weeks or so he has a good day. sometimes once every 2 months. was tidying his bedroom and was ironing his socks and folding to perfection his shirt ect. but for the last few months his room was a mess and his clean clothes thrown on floor , walked over everyday. tonight he wasnt raging so much. but changed to the extreme neediness that someone on here mentioned. he said he had ringing in his ear and cant sleep. he said he always has it everyday. and was in tears. i put classical piano music on to drown it out. and said we should go drs. and not to worry as theres lots we can do to help the condition. then he wanted a drink. then he told me to turn tv off. but he finally slept with the music on. maybe this is the problem all along is the ringing in his ears as he suffered middle ear infection as a baby. and he only just disclose why he so angry all time. this could be it. he mentioned it before but not expressed distress over it before. i didnt even know it was this bad. must be horrible. he said some people commit suicide over constant ringing in their ears. at least i can try and help him out on this one. because i dont have to guess whats wrong. for once.

    • despeatemom 4 years ago

      Just typed a huge monologue only to lose it....

      Simply put - the police can't help unless there is physical abuse and the laws protect children regardless of their actions.

      that's been my experience.

      No matter what - it's heart breaking. We know our kids are in pain and cant reach them yet we have to protect ourselves as well.

    • desperatemom 4 years ago

      I went to the police to report a stolen ring. the officer directed me to the local courthouse. I then spoke with a victim services counselor that was very helpful in filing for a restraining order.

      I got a temporary restraining order on my 17 year old son. It's so depressing to realize that it has come to this.

      Now I anxiously sit waiting for him to come home so that I can call the police so they can serve him the order that tells him he no longer has a place to live for the next two weeks (until court) and possibly forever.

      How did I get here... I remember this beautiful baby boy. I remember watching him sleep and hugging him and laughing with him.

      I don't think anyone else can understand the struggle we go through in wanting to help our children and still try to keep our sanity and protect ourselves. I could never have imagined when I was pregnant that I would one day have to protect myself from my own child. These things just don't happen...

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      kelly the book wasnt called we need to talk about kevin was it?

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      desperatemom , exactly, it is depressing when it comes to having to protect yourself against your own child. it is very conflicting emotionally. hugs to everyone.

    • freckles245 4 years ago

      Hi all thought i would give an update, I have had a few meetings with the lead social worker i was feeling a little bit apprehensive before the first one but i was surprised with how it went . It turns out that the previous social worker we had did not treat out case the way it should have been he commented that my daughter would not have been put into a young persons unit instead we would have been given help meaning all of us at the very start . He also did not have the correct information of our timeline history and it turns out its very important so i have been asked to write what i can down from her birth up until now. He also did not know how severe my disability was or that it was degenerative , i have to say i had my doubts about this guy but now i find myself thinking if he had been around when all the problems were just starting we most likely would not be in the situation we are in now. My daughter has been in the unit for just over a year now myself and the social worker agree that it is going to be unlikely that my daughter will be home to live because she was put in that unit and basically she can do whatever she wants because there really isnt any sanctions put in place because lets face it the people who work there have no way of stopping a child from walking out ,smoking or drinking staying out all night... my daughter is doing all the above and all they could do is supervise pocket money and when she has walked off they can only report her as missing to the police and wait to see what happens . I am feeling more positive now knowing that someone is taking time to hear me and willing to do something about it its taken almost 3 years for it to happen even though i never stopped banging on about everything to the previous social workers ... it only takes one to really listen and things can seem better . My daughter is still in the unit and due to her walking out of my house when she was on an overnight and staying out all night drinking i decided that it was not a good idea to have any more overnights because it really upsets my two youngest girls when the shouting starts so for now she comes to see us for a few hour 3 days of the week with a view to increasing how many days . One thing that has changed is me.... i have changed i am starting to be able to enjoy seeing and i am also more positive not so down and depressed .

      I have joined the facebook group and look forward to hearing from people .

      Take care everyone look after yourself xxxx

    • Doc333 4 years ago

      I have been physically and verbally abused by my kids since their adolescence. The police were useless. They are now 40s !!! And still verbally abusing me. They tell the most outrageous lies( but will not speak to me) and refuse to allow access to my grandchildren (who lived with me from birth until 4). I've tried to enforce grand-parental rights in 3 states. I have supplied250 letters of character reference to the courts. Old laws on the books still state the parents have the last "say". All of my friends are horrified. Family members say to just wait it out......... it's over 6 years since I've been able to speak to my daughter and 13 since I've been able to speak to my son. I have to keep a PI on retainer to keep track of where they live. It's a brick wall trying to get any help. Finally, I've stopped praying. I am a Pastor. Imagine how hard that is for me. I can not keep living in the emotionally devastating place of this abuse.

    • 4 years ago

      will im in this up to my eye, ive got some many people in my life 4 children im disable,cant get help wilth the 1st as that one runs away for days,family friends dont want to look for the child once gone just me. now the other children they want to up on at rist,MY LIFE IS hell,i dont sleep the best of time,THE CHILD HAS THE SOCAIL WORKER AS A FOOL,as she wants all the children in care.all i could do is now sit and wait for that knock no the door for my children as they are in for me having called the police to look for my child im not to know were she is found what cant help,but qustion these people that come into myfamilys life,these people are all white for very good familys with money,WERE I DONT HAVE A JOB THE LOOK DOWN ON ME WITH MY CHILDREN these people are to work with familys but they want to make my life hell in all ways now, places that my child has been found is not reported to me it given to the socail worke? she not the one looking for my child on a hole its me the child mother,will that the fact she needs to try take away my others,then when they call this meeting with over 14 people have my past read out by the police with my child in the room that the past all the time they reading these thing out its not me they are reading about so i stay that they need to get their shit write as its my life your playing with plus the other childrens life,just because the 1st child wants to run away as a mum u report it ,then u get some mad over powder white woman from socail services in ur life who dont have children whom needs rules and an understanding mothers/dads,but im deem the wicked mother,remeber im the one who needs sleep just like any one in the world not had little sleep over the 14yrs, i love my children but these rules and mad people in power make the world what it is children are the mothers and dads,we are nothing. children rule the world now.

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      that sound horrible what you are going through . i think kid s do rule and they know it. no wonder the country is the way it is. kids think nothing of murder these days. cause they know they can just blame their mums or dads. i hope you find someone with common sense who can help. and i agree some of them dont even have children and seem to act the expert and critize without actually offering any practical help. i just asked ss if i can change social worker because mine is too weird and lazy. and rude. and hasnt helped one little bit or even tried to help. i heard they are there to help. that s what they meant to do. cant u try and change social workers you hav e a right. i really hope you manage to get some sleep it is a basic need . and you deserve it. and they cant discriminate against you just because u not working. we are in resession now and thousands are out of work . but they still have duty to help people who are struggling. i will prey for you and everyone on here and lou x

    • Shaliza Corniel 4 years ago

      I have a 20 year old son and he is abusing me with threats hurting me and has Autism I don't know what to do with him.

    • missionimpossible 4 years ago

      i hope i dont affend. i dont think you should take abuse from a 20 year old. he is an adult. you dont have to let him in. or live with him. you are not responsible for a fully grown man. its a bout time someone helped him apart from you. maybe the only way you can get that help is to refuse to take him in. its physically impossible for some women to protect herself against fully grown men. and you dont have to be bullied by one. even if it is your son. just refuse to let him in. or he may really hurt you if he out of control. thats not neglect. its protecting yourself. they might try and pin blame on you though. but they will look silly as hes a man . even if you love him you still dont deserve that. i wonder what staff would do if they threatened them and hurt them. pass him back to you i suppose! this is wrong surely they must have somewhere specialist for him to live. to help you. surely austism or not they know right from wrong dont they?

    • JRT28 4 years ago

      17 year old brother physically attacks parents on a regular basis. He is 6'3" 250-- my parents are both under 5'10". He has been admitted to Children's Hospital twice for anxiety issues, and his therapist believes his behavior stems from anxiety, but this is out of control. Opened the car door last night and tried to throw my mother out. My parents are afraid to call the police because a family friend's son abused him, and the parent was arrested because the son said he was grabbed, even though father was bruised and bleeding.

      No clue what to do in this situation. Things are getting bad. Please help

    • Suzanne 4 years ago

      To Lou and anyone who is interested:

      My son Mark is 15, turning 16 in 3 mos. He is my first born and I love him beyond measure. He was an extremely gifted child. He walked at 8 mos. and began reading when he was 2. He was talented in everything he tried, from school work to athletics, and he was such a good helper. The only problem was that he abused his little brother. He never accepted him even from the start. The boys are 2-1/2 yrs apart and I can remember so many times when Mark would hurt Ryan--even as an infant. I know he was jealous of my attention for his brother, who had special health needs when he was small. But, the abuse continued through the years and I tried therapy for the boys and myself, read many books and did a lot of cognitive behavior modification. Still, nothing changed. Ryan grew bigger and in recent years has started to defend himself, but cannot overpower his brother (nor is he aggressive in nature), so Mark still hurts him and makes him cry in the end. I have even had to call the police a few times and the last time Mark was arrested for assault because he punched his brother in the face several times leaving swelling and bruising. Last year, prior to the police incidences, my husband and I separated. This was not our first separation; our marriage has been troubled for several years--although there has been no physical abuse, there has been some verbal abuse and a coldness between us that of course did not help matters with our son. In fact, when we separated last year, Mark's abuse of me began. He had already become disrespectful, but now he was more and more aggressive and using profanity. He was already seeing a therapist, but it was a battle to get him to go. The therapist told me to take everything away when he was destructive or aggressive with me. I tried everything he said to do. Mark only got more angry. He was also failing his freshman year at an academy high school (which we could not afford). Mark's father was not supporting me in terms of his son. He just blamed me because of the separation and said that Mark never behaved that way with him. In December, Mark threatened to kill himself, so I had him admitted to a treatment center where he received a week hospitalization and full day group therapies for 5 weeks. He was diagnosed with major depression and explosive rage disorder. It was decided that Mark should live with his dad for the time being, which broke my heart--but also provided relief for me and his brother. He remains in weekly therapy and is on Lexipro (antidepressant) and Respirdal (mood stabilizer). I see his psychologist and my own therapist once a week. Even with all the help, Mark remains abusive to me and his brother when we see him. He is arrogant and orders me around like I am his servant. He provokes his brother for fun and if I correct him he turns on me. He has called me a whore and told me to go f--k myself just last weekend ... but still I love him. I can't get the image of him as a baby and that bright, sweet child out of my mind. I feel so wounded and like a victim. The psychologist suggests that my husband and Mark move back into the home to give Mark a more stable environment. I am afraid of what will happen. Mark outweighs me now and partly because of his father's lack of parental support, I have no power. I don't want to call the police again and give him a record. I don't want to lose my son. We don't have a lot of money. I'm sorry this was so long. It's the first time I've written about this matter. If anyone has any thoughts ... Thanks.

    • 4 years ago

      My problem is that my soon to be ex husband constantly belittled my authority in front of the kids when I tried discipline them and he was their friend. They do not respect me at all because their father abused me and was always on the kids' side and used them as weapons. Now I am stuck with a 14-year-old daughter who calls me names and steals from me. Just after I got rid of an abuser a little girl takes his place. I'm sick and tired of being afraid in my own home. I lock all of my possessions in my car and sleep with my keys and my bedroom door locked.

    • brianbk 4 years ago

      I live in the US and have tried counseling for my daughter, calling the police, and making a stand. After my police complaints started escalating my children began making more and more complaints about me. Now they have been taken away and everything I have done has been ignored and they want to put me in prison. I am their father, my son is 15 my daughter is 13. I got custody from their mom because she could not take care of them and the bad behavior of my daughter has been escalating ever since. Their mom tells them me and my wife are unreasonable. Starting at the beginning of the year my son started the same behavior lying cheating in school stealing from us hanging out with children that use drugs. His behavior escalated to being defiant and aggressive to my wife in just a couple of months. Then he started stealing as well. Neither will do any work in the home so I would send them outside to do yard work. They hang around outside and do nothing. So I'm accused of working them like slaves. I guess what I am saying is it does not matter where you are. The children are need protections from parents. Even the ones who keep asking for help and get no results.

    • Anna 4 years ago

      I have a friend who is being abused by his daughters (one in particular) but he refuses to admit that there is a problem, and constantly makes excuses for them ("they're just a force of nature. / That's just her / It's my fault because I didn't do X Y Z fast enough for her / It's not their fault" etc). How can I help?? One pours abuse onto him esp via phone/text and he just makes excuses all the time, says she's fragile etc...

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 4 years ago from Southwest UK

      He is in denial. He'll come out of it. Give it time. He has just not reach his boundary of tolerance yet. When he does, be there for him. He is gong to need you to deal with his emotions.

    • Terri 4 years ago

      Everything on that list describes not my teenager but my GROWN 25 year old son

    • aa 4 years ago

      It brought tears reading the stories. Although, my son was a good kid, he sometimes sweared at me, calling names. Very good student. Now 26, has a good job. Asked for some financial help, he called me f--ing b--h, a-- hole and lots of other. I could not sleep well at night. Now reading these stories I feel, I am not alone. People who have suffered more than me.

    • mission impossible 4 years ago

      hi , just to let u know i called social services again. my son has social worker but she speaks with him only so she cant work with both of us. she left him her phone number and i still have noone to help me with his behaviour. shes only listening to what he says. and she is talking to my 15 year old about how i can budget my money!!! i never go out i dont smoke i dont drink . i cycle to the supermarket or walk with all my bags. i do not waste money. son told me if u stop eating chocolate you fat bitch you would be able to save. well, i turn to chocolate because i am so stressed. my son has started spitting in my face lately. and saying , no wonder noone respects you or likes you . who you going to tell because noone actually cares etc. and nowonder my dad did that to u ect. he throws food at the walls and when i was painting the wall he kicked paint pot over. i have told social services i want him out when he is 16 after his exams. i asked them why they have never refered him to cams for me. they said its a long waiting list. doctors do not refer unless he is behaving like this at school and he isnt. so im convinced if he moves out he should be happier. because its only me he is like this with. i am only problem. i cried silently in bathroom today for 15 minutes. i just know ive got this for life. would like to get a pet to love but i wouldnt trust him with it. my son put me through hell everyday and he still feels like hes the victim and remains angry. its almost like im looking after a mentally handicapped child who has no awareness. its very lonely. especially when your teenager does it in secret when noone looking. i cant even remember my age any more or what day it is. or what ive been doing the day before or even what my sons been shouting about for 4 hours. i find it hard to keep a diary of his behaviour because i go blank and shut down as soon as i pick up the pen. the future scares me. i feel controlled and trapped. i cant stop my son. i tried everything but he punishes me right back to let me know whos boss. while acting sweet and innocent infront of people. i have a sickly feeling he may harm someone one day. or even kill them. a mothers intuition. my son is cold and calculated . i feel bad saying it but its true. he is morbidly wollowing in self pity and hatred . and his eyes are droopy and evil when he is like this.

    • itsnotyou 4 years ago

      I have a child that was abusive as well. After an incident with a knife I had to eject the child from the home. I am still being abused by this child and this child is almost 18. Lucky for me, someone else stepped in to take custody because I put this child out of my home and I was going to make the child be a ward of the state.

      I do not agree that if they are young and showing signs of abuse, that means they were abused themselves. My child did that. My child was born with a personality disorder that STILL has not been correctly diagnosed. My child has, at 4 years old, laughed hysterically when their sibling was choking and about to die. My child has constantly hurt their younger sibling severely through the years even choked their sibling to the point the sibling was turning blue for lack of oxygen and my child was laughing hysterically. (They were both teenagers at the time) My child has tried to kill me while hysterically laughing, so I could not tell if this child was really "trying" to kill me, or if this child just took "playing" to far. My child has pathologically lied, FOR NO REASON, since four years old. And I knew something was wrong with my child at TWO years old because of everything else I saw.

      I could go on and on. Sometimes, these children ARE born this way, since My childs' other parent showed signs of not being all there as well.

      There is NO help for us. No one believes how a small, sweet child could ever be that way unless they learned it from SOMEWHERE. Sometimes it is not learned. Sometimes it is who they are. I will never say I did not make mistakes, however this behavior was there BEFORE my mistakes. I can honestly say that my mistakes happened when I got fed up trying to do everything I I could think of, counselors could think of, family could think of. I even tried things over and over again before having a complete meltdown, while my health faded from all of the stress.

      I am praying for you all. Something needs to be done. Parents and gaurdians are completely overlooked and the Laws do not seem to care. At least some only have to 16 to worry about this. The U.S is 18. And they WILL hold you to the exact time of day on their Birthday. Then you have to fight to get them off of your lease, but that is a whole 'nother story.

    • Mel 4 years ago

      This artical is good if your kids are 12 to 20 years old. but what happens when the father is 92 years old and scared of his youngest son whickis over 50+ and still living in the family basement and daddy is scared to have him evicted cause he says he will burn the house down if he has to leave.. The second son has a heart problem and is over 60+ and both are so afraid of the younger son that they are not allowed to say anything, or is get ugly and the doors gets closed. I am on th eoutside looking in and even though I am married tothe family, I have been told by legal councilers to mind my own bussiness... What does one do then?? This is a very nasty situation and I can do nothing anymore.

    • Mel 4 years ago

      This artical is good if your kids are 12 to 20 years old. but what happens when the father is 92 years old and scared of his youngest son which is over 50+ and still living in the family basement and daddy is scared of him or to have him evicted cause he says he will burn the house down if he has to leave.. The second son has a heart problem and is over 60+ and does his best to take care of the father and both are so afraid of the younger son that they are not allowed to say anything, or it get ugly and the doors gets closed. I am on the outside looking in and even though I am married to the family for over 44 years, My wife is the elder sister and back whenI was younger, i coould handle this punk, but not anymore,, age and health stops me now. I have been told by legal councles to mind my own bussiness. We have tried to get the father to move out, i hav eeven bought a second home for thefather and second son to live in, but they are afraid. i have seen them both shaking from fear and almost in tears but are afraid to say one word to me or my wife. Now the second son takes the father out for dinner or wjhatever, the next day or week something happens to the car. So far this year,, that car has had at least 3 new gas tanks installed. What does one do then?? What else can I do?? This is a very nasty situation and I can do nothing anymore. If either myself or my wife or the second son says one word out of turn,, the cops are called on us and we are escourted off the property and they will not listen to us and our side of the story,, Just his.... Daddy is not going to last much longer,, the youngest son gets him so neverous that he starts to shake and he is going to get a heart attack and die, and the youngest things he will inherrit everything.. Which I hope he does,, I sure as hell do not want anything they have.. I have worked all my life to have what me and my wife have. Somebody besides me needs to see what this punk is up to and how he gets away with it. nobody will listen to us anymore..

    • sugarplum1957 4 years ago

      I have 18 year son, who abuses me physically, emotionally and verbally! I feel like I am tied up in knots most of the time. He was bullied at school when he was younger, has had an absentee father, who dropped in when he wasn't doing anything, more important to him, and he had been in and out of trouble with the police since he was 13. There is a drug problem as well. I have to put up with his deadbeat and waster friends invading my house, eating my food, and trashing the place, and then not cleaning up after themselves. Everytime I try to have a simple conversation I get told to shut the f**k up! He has stolen money from my purse, but not recently because I keep that hidden now. He has no respect for me, my house or my belongings. I have even had one of his friends, who knows nothing about our family situation, tell me off, in my house, because I was yelling at my son for bringing the creature here in the first place, without my consent! I have RA and OA and so most days I am in a lot of pain. I also now, have clinical depression! So I am accused of being lazy and fat, and a useless mother! He had asthma when younger, so I changed his diet and removed foods that had artificial colourings, flavourings or additives. This helped with his asthma, but not his behaviour. He was on dexamphetamine for a while, because the school insisted and said they would refuse to have him there, if I didn't medicate him. I think this may have contributed to the drug issues he has now. How things normally progress here, is that he does something wrong, gets into trouble with police, I try to talk to him about, tell him the error of his ways, tell him I love him, get told to shut the f up, or f off! calls me a lazy fat c**t; hurls further abuse and personal attacks at me, I eventually dissolve into tears, which normally has no affect, he hurls further abuse as well, then once he has me completely beaten down, goes off with his friends. Seems to be the behaviour pattern we are in. When he was younger, I was a bit more creative and would change the game plan so that we could avoid the pattern, but I am just too beaten down by everything that he has done and said over the past five years. I think we are so emotionally attached to our children it is hard to think of them homeless, so we continue to struggle along hoping things will improve but they don't. This morning I was called stupid and a f***ing idiot, because I asked him to feed the dog, but handed him the opened can without a spoon!!!!!

    • Sandra 4 years ago

      For many years I was abused by my daughter, it started as tantrums and would escalate to full on violence. Many of these stories echo my experience. I reached out to a local group called Tulip, they offered support, advice and a non judgemental ear. When the violence was at its peak, I felt alone, ashamed and very, very frightened. How could my child do this to me - to us? My younger daughter was witnessing this, and many times I needed to remove her to places of safety, as my eldest daughter would use her to get reactions from me. I used all behavioural management techniques, some worked for short periods of time. I was desperately sad and felt I had no where to turn so many times, as a last reort I did call the police ( who were fantastic and trained to deal with this type of DV - they had a local police officer whose main job was to handle parent abuse situations. He advised me on my rights to live in safety and free from harm.This was not something I could acheive on many days, it did give me a lot of inner strength. I loved my daughter and she loved me, our relationship had broken down and was beyond repair, I was counting the days to her 16th birthday and I did not have to live with her any longer. I knew she didnt want to hurt me, but couldnt control herself - she called it a red mist, I called it many things. I finally asked my daughter to leave home after she faked a suicide attempt and refused to accept treatment. This was my rock bottom the point of no return and hurt me more than all the beatings I had taken, I couldnt keep her safe, I could keep myself safe and I was failing to protect my youngest child. I found her a safe place to live, handed over the child benefit to the people who took her in. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, I was torn with the need to take care of my child and the need to protect my other child and mysef from anymore harm. I found the resolve and the inner strength, and packed her bags, thankfully she went willingly. We agreed we needed a complete break from each other but that I would keep in touch with the adults in the house she moved too. At all times I told her I loved her with every ounce of my being, after about 3 weeks we spoke on the phone, cried mostly, argued a lot, fielded nasty critical remarks and some very hateful comments. After another week we spoke again and this time arranged to meet in a local cafe ( I wanted to be safe and felt she wouldnt be violent or aggressive in the open). I was so nervous I forgot to put a parking ticket on my car and you guessed it I got a ticket!! We met, it was awkward and I managed to have half a coffee before it got too much for her not to snipe at me and start to escalate her behaviour. I left with an arrangement to meet again the following week to see if we could manage a little longer in each others company. We continued to do this for about 3 months ( no more parking tickets thankfully!). This was such a hard time because I really felt I was not being a good parent to her and I felt jealous of the mother in the other hosehold having such a loving relationship with my daughter. But I needed to focus on the fact that she was safe and I wasnt physically bruised any more. During this time I realised that I had developed a number of ways of coping - or should I say not feeling anything - I felt this wasnt a healthy way to deal with my feeling and thought that it could have longer term repercussions on my health. My daughter was now pleading to come home and spend some time with us as a family, but I couldnt face it, I had little trust that she would behave respectfully in our home, every day I would see the damaage to doors, walls and my personal possesions and I was struggling. I knew I would need to let her come home for a visit, but I didnt know if she would leave again. I braced myself and invited her home for dinner one night, she came and behaved beautifully. So the next time she stayed a bit longer, we built it up over a few months with eventually staying overnight. I was always nervous and on eggshells during her visits, to be fair so was she. After about 12 months, she got an opportunity to do an adventure break, she came home for the night before her break to get ready, then she was off for 3 weeks away from everything. On her return she had changed, she had become aspirational and had been with other young people who were living very serious lives with huge family problems. It made her reflect on her behaviour and at this point she began to work on her own behaviour. She asked me to help her get back to school to complete her A levels, and school agreed with conditions ( she had refused to attend her GCSE year of school). The school made it clear that if she didnt attend, put in homework and participate in class they would take her off roll. She began to study seriously and reflectively showing maturity and understanding of her own stress points. She was supported by staff and always had somewhere to go when the pressure became too much. She got her A levels went to Uni, has lived abroad for 2 years and has recently returned home to continue studying. We have spent a long time working on our relationship, IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY - I have asked her to leave at least 3 times during her stays with me, when her behaviur reached my unacceptable point. The impact of her violence and my responses to it still resonates in our lives as a family. I still get anxious, there are some impacts that take years to resolve and sometimes an irritable comment will bring terrible flashbacks and huge anxieties for both of us. I have gone on to complete a Masters dissertation looking at the Health Impacts of Parent Abuse, my other daughter is amazing as well, she was hugely affected throughout the whole process and has had a journey of recovery as well and us. We have worked hard as a family to rebuild relationships and talk all the time when things get stressful. We have coping strategies in place which help us to negotiate living together and as my daughters become finacially independant and successful young women I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and its not so far away. Our trials have created a bond which I have rarely seen in other families and although I truely wished we had never gone though any of this, we have and we have been very lucky that we have all wanted and been able to address the violence issues. I want to support other people who are going through this now, and share some hope, its not easy. I hope some of my story offers some hope to people in the middle of the dark times. In my case once I had a place of safety and sufficient respite I was able to think and plan much more clearly. I know from my studies that this may never be the outcome for some people, but I want to tell and I hope it helps someone at least a little. I have no platitudes, Parent abuse is real, with the most horrible long term health outcomes please if you read this and you know a family in crisis offer a coffee a non judgmental ear and perhaps if possible some respite time for mum, dad, child and siblings help without judgemnt or reserve. It takes a community to raise a child not just isolated family units - if you suspect something is going on please please dont turn a blind eye. Stay safe and be good to yourselves as well, much love xxxxxxxxxxxx

    • bokeh52 profile image

      bokeh52 4 years ago from United States

      I have suffered for years. My son now 27 continues with his behavior. His control and behavior isn't the product of poor parenting or broken home or financial demise in a family. We've been married over 33 y and from a good Christian home. Our son was born with bi polar and has been aggressive since age of 2. Once in his early teens he became physical and after I underwent serious neck surgery he tried to push me down stairs. He threatened w/knives, threatened to kill me in my sleep and on and on. At age 19 we got him in his own apt & paid for it all. He never got a substantial job until 2 yr ago. He later got involved w/a pregnant woman who now is married to our son and a yr later giving birth to another boy, (14 mths apart). We have become their daycare 4 days a week and pray w/2nd one she doesn't work, but I don't hold my breath. He threatens me by using the kids now stating if we (my husband & I) don't straighten up to his standards in 6 wks we won't ever see him or kids. He recently purch a shotgun so now I really fear being in his home. He has thrown me against door and out of his apt. even when invited in to do whatever he wants. If I don't abide he then begins to harrass us non stop including at my husbands work in which he then pushes me to abide because my husband says he can't deal w/it. "Just do it" he says, and becareful. He tells me he can't wait until I am dead, it will be his favorite wish in life. I am living w/a terminal autoimmune disease that until recently have been fighting w/all my heart to beat and actually had some chance in winning. Until recently that is. I quit. He won. I am so tired of always fighting against him and him causing so much grief in my family and among my children. He is now offering our youngest things to be on his side and sadly she is falling into it. He treated her awful including hitting her and we actually at one point feared for her life and still do when she is in his presence alone. She has a brain injury and one blow to the head could be serious & for some reason he wanted to go for her head all the time. He always goes for your weakest point. He still does. His wife sees only what he wants her to see because when she is around he tries to act like he is the bigger person apologizing and saying what can we do to make this work. He is sneaky and knows how to work it. Even recently after taunting me and telling me things on the phone like above, hating me, wishing my death, & threatening me, He then calls knowing my mom was there and played it up how sorry he was and how I just upset him and he will work on it. Of course my mother tells me things to say and he hears it . I finally told her to hush up and told him I'll talk to him when I can speak privately. I knew he was playing a game like he always does. I have been there time and time again picking up his pieces, helping to get him help and now helping with his new family only to be torn apart. He has been bullying me for years, intimidating me and belittling me in front of others way too long. Then add to the fact he has stolen our credit cards, used our checking accounts and ruined my credit yet accuses me of doing the same to him when I never have. He even told the entire family that I opened a credit card in his name and used it when in fact it was the opposite and he also used our accounts on ebay and amazon and even today still uses our ph# and address and doesn't pay for thgs. He is a con artist yet never gets caught. He seems to know how to play the game. He has literally done to us, my husband and I and even the other chldren, everything on the list of signs of parental abuse. Literally everything there he has done to me. Yet I can get no support from no one other than a bouncing board from my husband. Why is that? At one time my husband threatened to leave me if I didn't get him under control, yet where is everyone when I need them? I truly believe everyone thinks parental abuse is a joke. Frankly I am scared to death to grow older and even more if my husband passes before me. I fear my son might get involved in my care and if that happens I will have some of the worst days of my life ahead of me and they will be lived in silent where he will come home from work everyday and take all his aggressions out on me. Realistically, I won't let it happen because there are other options and I'd live in a dark alley and die alone before I allow it to happen and die as a Jane Doe. I love my grandbabies more than life itself and it pains me to think that someday they might have to choose between nana and daddy. I can't ever let that happen.

    • Cece 4 years ago

      Do you have a group on FB?

    • Diane 4 years ago

      I am in a marriage right now where my step daughter is and has always been very abusive to her parents.

      What to do??

    • Star 4 years ago

      What do I need to do to talk to someone about parent abuse?

      Where can I go to talk to someone or to see if I can get some help for a loved one.

      Please let me know

    • isabelle 3 years ago

      I find it hard to believe Sandra's story, sorry. I have 8 children and a seriously cruel and emotionally abusive husband. No family support at all, my mother herself emotionally abused me, used me as a maid and made me sing and tell stories to her to keep her entertained, and then dismissed me. 7 of my 8 kids wanted to put me in an institution because I wrote them a letter asking them to be kind, as I had been a good and caring parent to them. They are all in their high 20s and 30s now, in very prominent positions. They make fun of me, ignore me, talk to each other and my husband about their education, financial, personal things like dating and future, and ignore me. When my husband is at the table and I am in the kitchen the meal begins, nobody is allowed to - or bothers to - wait for me. When my 2nd daughter got married, my first daughter met the boy, took my daughter to buy clothes, chose a gown, and I didn't know she was dating!!!!! I am ignored and humiliated. Then my older daughter calls up in a chirpy, overly cheery voice and says, "how about you come to my house for coffee?" She feels she is the mother, I am the one that should travel and give her respect because she is the second wife to my husband. She owns two lavish homes, and I am prisoner, living on no money, little food, and my youngest son who cries with and for me.

    • Sandiki 3 years ago

      Hi, just knowing this site exists helps so much. I am not alone.

      Thank you Thank you Thank you xxxxx

    • Margey 3 years ago

      Although I don't often add comments, I always read this hub. There are so many tragic experiences and it provides an important opportunity for parents to be able to speak out, and to be believed. In the middle of all the sadness I was encouraged to read Sandra's story, from 6 weeks ago. Sandra mentions that she has written an MA dissertation on the health impacts of parent abuse. I wonder whether this is available to read anywhere? I would be really interested to hear from Sandra if it is. Lou, can you put us in touch?

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 3 years ago from Southwest UK

      I don't have contacts for either of you I am afraid, but if you both hook up on the facebook group you can connect there :) search for the group "The Silent Suffering of Parents and Carers Abused by Children".

    • my broken heart 3 years ago

      I do understand i am in the usa uk help isnt helpful,yet the story is the best i knew it existed cause i live it everyday my 14 yr old is verbally physically emotionally and mentally abusing me every sec of the day i am at my wits end. if anyone can tell me of even a web page i can join would be helpful. thank you again.. wish me sanity

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 3 years ago from Southwest UK

      try the facebook group. I cannot give you the web address but search for it under "The Silent Suffering of Parents and Carers Abused by Children".

    • Sophia 3 years ago

      Some parents need to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for their OWN FAILURES in raising their children in an abusive atmosphere, and now that abuse seems to be turning the tide of cause and effect!

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 3 years ago from Southwest UK

      I agree that if you raise your kid in an abusive environment you will raise a kid that sees abuse as "normal", but what about kids raised in a loving environment that then go on to abuse their parents just because they can, because they know the law is on their side? What about kids who as teens seek to "get back" at their parents for setting boundaries which they rebel against? What about the responsibility of society for ignoring the fact that we have allowed the media to sexualise our kids and teach them that virtual violence is OK in the entertainments industry, when it elicits the same emotional responses and brain wave patterns in their brains as real violence? What about the double standards of the LAW that "protects" children from the very people who need to help protect them from themselves?

      Abuse is something that we all need to take responsibility for, for parents who have raised their kids in an abusive environment, are themselves damaged people caught in a cycle of never ending abuse which society does little about.

      How about ending the attitude of "its not my problem" and taking personal responsibility for helping fellow species members overcome their difficulties?

    • mission impossible 3 years ago

      totally agree with you lou purplefairy. on everything you've said. im still struggling with my 15 year old son. he finds it hard to deal with basic things like feeling tired, excited, angry bored. whenever he experiences any of these feelings he lashes out. spits in my face brakes my phone. shouts horrendous lies about me kicks me grabs my head and twists my neck so my neck hurts for days ect ect ect. I had him arrested. he got a lawyer at the station. I had him back. I was shouted at by social services for not having a quilt cover on his quilt. that's his job hes big boy now. he throws rubbish straight on floor. banana skins ect and if I don't clean it he shouts and calls me dirty. hes a compulsive lyer too. lies his way out of most things. he will be 16 in april and hes getting worse . social services do not help much. a little not enough. I think they are manipulated by my sons lies and excuses. my son also provokes me then takes pictures of me angry. when I get hold of his iphone it will be locked away. his laptop is already locked up. he punishes me back if I lay boundaries. but I still lay them. I keep going I don't give up. he enjoys the constant battle for power and dominance it never stops. he seems more confident in himself if he gains control and dominance over me. he was shouted at by the police who told him they are fed up his mum calling them out with his behaviour. all his colleagues are fed up with it. and that if son spits in my face again or does anything they will have him. the policeman called him a stroppy git. this might sound horrible to some parents but that little talk did my son the world of good. for 2 days. son could not handle not being the dominant one and in control so he spat again in face and locked me out. he was excited cause he got in a college he wanted to go. when excited he spits and gets abusive. I believe his extreme emotion to everything is early signs of bipolar but hes not been diagnosed. and social services said nothing wrong with him. but he went to chams anyway . social services told son it was to help him cope with mums behaviour and stress!! they believe him all the way. even if I filmed son he would still have an answer and a lie for back up. my son cant stop me laying boundaries its my job. I know he wont give up the power. he also calls me by my first name when he is dominant. I am going to write an article in newspaper anonymously to try and find other women in same boat because I do not do facebook. i want to expose corruption within social services and mental health department who do everything in their power to blame mum and make excuses for the teenager . and literally encourage teenager to behave like this.

    • morts 3 years ago

      Sophia... really! The matter has been done to death and slapped on a plate here. This is not a den for parents who deserve to be ill-treated.

      Ignorance such as that which you display, and an all-too-familiar bias in favor of children, is what leads to desperate parents with nowhere to turn. Some monsters aren't made, they are born.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 3 years ago from Southwest UK

      Mission impossible, film his abusive behaviour anyway and keep a record of what is going on. Make a diary of what is said and when. This is all evidence you need and if you feel your son is suffering from undiagnosed mental health issues, this is what the health professionals will need if he is hiding his behaviour from the doctors. Some mental states include psychopathic paranoia which is a coping mechanism to appear normal" when faced with officials. Don't give up.

    • Margey 3 years ago

      Hi Sandra (from 2 months ago)

      I'd love to know more about your dissertation, but I'm not on F acebook so I can't follow up Lou's suggestion to find you there.

      If you would like to google "holes in the wall" you will find my website and you can contact me through that.

      Thanks and best wishes

    • missionimpossible 3 years ago

      lou purplefairy thankyou for the reply and advice and encouragement:) I was interested in the psychopathic paranoia you mentioned and looked it up. woa what a whole new subject I new nothing about. one in hundred children are psychopaths! and so many different types of psychopaths. including the one who is outwardly charming to the world and nobody knows the hell his family goes through. the need for full control. omg. theres still a wishful thinking side of me that hopes he will grow out of it. but deep down I know he will never drop it. I do keep starting diaries but find it hard work and give up and I forget what happened as im so shocked most times and daised and confused. but im going to try again and keep trying. need to get some secret cam equipment when I can afford it. hes too clever for me to just film him on phone of computer. so not all psychopaths kill pets ect then. if my son is a psychopath he would come under the lier/contract breaker and the socio/economic climber the explosive psychopath the thief or covetous psychopath the risktaker thrill seeker the moralist or saint psychopath!

    • missionimpossible 3 years ago

      called police again yesterday they came round with social worker today and asked if its time to find alternative accommodation for my son. meaning foster care. I told them that's the last thing I want but my son puts me in situations where I have no choice. she said I should seek phsychiatrist help . I refused again. I also told them I will not take medication. the only help I will accept for myself is councelling. she said I need more intense help. I told them, no my son does. they wrote notes. and said they will speak to my son about his behaviour. they also said that non of what I am saying has been mentioned at school. they say he is a polite boy who is doing well. they gave each other sly looks as if I am crazy. my son disconnected the phone before attacking yesterday. he was pulling me around by my arm. I lashed out . and hit him off. social worker was interested in where I hit him. I told her I have a right to defend myself. I also asked her to get deeper involved by giving me advice on boundary laying. and reading my diary this week that im going to write. including how I layed boundaries and why my son is not accepting them. and to help me find out why he needs to be dominant. she just said call me if it gets out of hand. so she can here both sides of story. my son is more convincing as he is always calm. I am always stressed. i recent my son for the constant power struggle and games and the fact that he denies all behaviour and doesn't show it to the outside world.. if i accept psychiatrist and medication i still have to go home to the abuse and then i get labelled and my son doesn't get help. feeling a little tearful today.they asked what other help they can give me. i told them i cant always get him to school and that he is late daily. these things they cant help me with. i don't expect them to. i know i only have a few years left with him if i stuck with it. but how long can i go on without cracking up. and how much worse can it get? and will foster care help my son. wont he then suffer from feelings of neglect. i want to be here for him. i am just so stressed. and feel that im not believed. don't think social services and police understand the emotional turmoil of parents in this situation. its not easy for me to just hand him over the care of strangers. its like admitting defeat. admitting to not being good enough. how can my son grow up and mature if he can then blame mum for everything by saying i dumped him into care. its a no win situation. i used to wonder how anybody could put their kids in a care. i didn't realise how much emotional pain it must have been for the parents to do that.

    • caroline 3 years ago

      i have a 16 year old son who has been abusing me verbally and seldom physically for over 3 years.He can be so charming at times and is always so nice and seemingly quiet and self controlled with whoever is not part of his very close family but can act as a real abuser toward us.I love him and I always think he is getting better and will stop abusing me but he just doesn t seem to control himself and then punches and hits especially on my head.Yesterday,travelling back from holidays,he hit me violently on the head as I was giving out to him for hitting ,spitting and punching one of his small sibblings in the car so he just blindly went for me.It seems unreal ,all the long way back home I had to keep ice on the back of my head and hoped I would be alright.After,he apologized like he always does and blamed the fact he didn t sleep well the night before

      I don t know what to do as he doesn t see his problem and blames me or his small sbblings for hurting him or abusing him.He always turns round what is actually happening and pretends he never does anything and the others inthe family are responsible,he even shed real tears at times but more and more he frightens me and I am afraid of what he might do to us.We can kind of deal with verbal abuses, food being thrown at us,objects being smashed on the ground or little objects being thrown at us but I fear the rest especially with the size and strength he has.anyway talking about it even anonymously makes me feel better.thanks god a site like this exists,i feel shameful to live this instead of the lovely family with well balanced and happy children i so much want to have

    • caroline 3 years ago

      sandra i ve just read what you posted 2 months ago and reading the happy issue,i couldn t help crying,i so much want to see him happy,my son, and grow out of this terrible pattern of hate and rejection he is inventing or using to manipulate us and i so much would like him to control himself and not fear for my other children and being his punchbag at the end.much love and thank y for your story

    • Judith 3 years ago

      My daughter has been a source of tremendous unhappiness for two reasons...her own unhappiness that leads her to be abusive and mine as the result of it. She has called me dreadful names to other people including the "C" word. She blames me for her having grown up without a father because I left a physically abusive man who beat me up when I was 7.6 months pregnant with her. She has told me she would never want to be a friend with me nor spend time with me. I have quite candidly grown to dislike her. I love her and I truly don't want much to do with her. BUT I DO have what to do with my granddaughter who is just a lovely little girl. My daughter knows this and twice has threatened to take my granddaughter away from me. Not easy to LIKE such a person.

    • missionimpossible 3 years ago

      hi just wanted to update what just happened. I just had a phone call from my doctors manager who has asked me to come into the surgery to meet a doctor who ive never met. I know social services phoned them. I did not phone them. I was told it was to offer me some help. I believe this is to push me to see a psychiatrist or to take medication because the dr surgery already have refused councelling for me. and offered a psychaiatrist. and offered anti depressants. I said I wont go in today. she kept pushing it. I told her I need to gather proof of sons behaviour before I go in. she wasn't happy about it. she said they just want to see how they can help me. so why so pushy? I am worried the man may be a psychiatrist and they are tricking me. the surgery has not been of any help in the past. and have treated me like im crazy. and not helped much with health issues. simple basic issues. and one doctor lied once. I said all along that some social workers who visit have told me to go on medication. my own doctor said the problem is I cant prove his behaviour. and then offered me a phsychiatrist. I refused. I don't trust them they all work together. I insisted on keeping a diary before I go in so I can be calm and not struggle to remember the weeks events with my son. knowing they don't believe a word I say. I might change drs surgery. but theres not many good ones here on a council astate. and its got to be in a catchment area. I have problems with breathing through nose and ear aches ect and yellow tongue etc it keeps coming back. and they would not refer me to a ear nose and throat specialist. they just want to say im mad. I know im not the only one they do this to I here about it all the time here and some of the female doctors are very off with people and stuck up and useless. mine is polite but not very helpful sometimes. and acts offish sometimes. I told the manager at the doctors , that no matter what help I get I still got to go home with my sons behaviour. and medication and labelling me is not going to solve the issue. im already feeling worse since contacting social services for help I would not recommend it to anyone. there is no help. until I can prove things. the secret cams are going to cost a fortune. im not tech I cant just film him on laptop. I don't know how. and he would know. today I lent him 95 pounds and as soon as he got it he got arrogant and said everything I know he taught me. and got more and more mouthy from the bathroom . shouting out arrogant stuff. so I said I will have my 95 pound back if he carries on. he carried on . I said that's it im getting money back. he said you cant its in the bathroom. so I walked in to get it . he shouted pedo im only in there to look at his privates. he always calls me a pedo and I should not have gone in but his mouth I had to get my money back. I didn't even look at him. and he storms in when im in there for no reason. no lock. so I then went to his room to get my money back. he then shouted that I took more than was mine. and shouted thief pedo. you always look at my privates keep your kids away shes a pedo. on full volume. he says that everyday when he is angry at something else takes out on me and calls me that. then after all that he said sorry and can I give him another chance . I told him no because of what he said about me. I told him how serious that is. so now he cant buy a new bike cause I haven't leant him the money. what scares me to suicide is the fact that most times he makes up exuses for calling me a pedo. such as I walked in bath which I shouldn't but other times he makes up back up lies. so I cant tell social worker. through fear of what he says. so the psychopath description fits him well. I did not know that parents have to see a psychiatrist if they want their teenager put in foster care. so then on record it would say child in foster care because of mothers mental health not because the teenager is out of control with a possible mental health issue themselves. whenever I see authorities now like doctor , sons social worker , I feel sick to the stomach. i feel like how they want me to feel. crazy, stupid, comments unvalid. and this is making me hate my son. i am getting nightmares about him and his social worker. my son is always scheming against me. wouldn't it be nice if i was crazy and all this was in my head. and i saw a nice psychiatrist who told me so. and gave me some nice sweets to make it all better and then we all live happily ever after. everything i do now will be written against me in the crazy book. doesn't seem like the 21st century.

      son just phoned again asking for the money as hes standing in bike shop. he doesn't listen. i said no again. i reminded him that everytime he gets my money he gets so arrogant and nasty towards me. everytime. he never learns. never. i want to help him but its not worth the abuse. he doesn't care if i get labelled and put on meds because no one believes me . i cant believe i gave him the money in the first place. i lent him that money while social services are trying to place me in the loony books. now my son even calls me crazy. cant we just refuse to put up with our kids behaviour without being labelled crazy?????? sorry im ranting , i just don't have any idea of my rights. or if i have any. Love to lou and all

    • Judith in Whitcombe 3 years ago

      Just wanted to thank you for this site. It's a comfort to confused and often isolated people.

    • DAN VATNE 3 years ago

      My son almost 15 IS DOMINANT in the home.He was adopted at 2days old... he is our own .. but the abuse we ha ve endured since middle school has been brutle .He is truant and abusive.IGNORING his behavior is harder the bigger he gets . The bigger he is the harder he hits the worse it hurts. I dont want to strike back or hurt my son. HELP

    • mission impossible 3 years ago

      by the way does anyone know a way of filming my son without him knowing. xxx

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 3 years ago from Southwest UK

      I would go and seek help with counselling. You don't have to take any medication, but if you don't go they may seek to section you. If you cooperate you will have some control over what happens, if you don't they will just assume you are a danger to yourself and others and take you in. Take a friend/family member or neighbour with you. When they see you as calm as you can be they won't have a case against you and they have a duty of care to help.

    • mission impossible 3 years ago

      hi lou :) thanks for responding. do you mean cooperate by going to the doctors or the case conference. it was ss who called the doctor. after I agreed to put son in care if things got out of hand again. I will go to the conference but made the appointment to the doctor for next week instead of what they wanted this week. and why would they section me if all ive done is tell them I cant handle sons behaviour . I would rather put up with my son than get falsely labelled as crazy . and the doctor wont give me councelling. I tried through gateway and they turned me down. the doctor said I would only get that if I agree to be with the mental health team. and they just tell you its normal teen behaviour. and they keep you until you become reasonable and stop complaining. and agree with them that yes its normal teenage behaviour. xxx

    • mission impossible 3 years ago

      I scrolled up to read some posts and I read your post lou about rejecting with love. if my son does go into foster care for a month because hes 16 in april, then as resentful as I might feel, he need to know I still love him and that yes its his behaviour im rejecting not him. that's a good point. I just hope I still have love in me if I get falsely labelled because I haven't been able to proof his behaviour. if he can do that to me I don't know if I want to keep loving someone so damaging knowing that he will never stop. the more I love him the angrier he gets.

    • mission impossible 3 years ago

      just for the record im not gojng to do anything stupid I just feel like it sometimes like most here I have been in touch with mind and solicitors and they both say I have a right to know exactly whats going to happen in the doctors before I go. what im going to be asked ect. and I was adviced to ask for a telephone consultation instead so I feel more in control. they have no reason to section me. I haven't done anything for them to do that. the doctor said she only called because ss called her. when I agreed to put my son in alternative accommodation. they have no proof that I am making things up about my son. when I told my son I was going to the doctors he got very excited and started dancing around me wriggling his fingers manickly . like he won. he was wriggling his tongue and rolling his eyes in excitement. and making high pitch triumphant noises. I told him it was unfair that I was summond into the doctors because they think im crazy and that its all in my head. my son still thinks he does nothing wrong. and defends himself with anger as if he really believes it. he will be given a large some of money by my step father if he can prove to be against his mother. step father hates me. and has never had son of his own. my son wont own the money until step father signs it. son only met him once when little. he threatened to hit my son across the head if he didn't stop switching lights on and off all day. there was big family row about it and they all stood up for step father saying its his house he can do what he wants. I told my sons social worker about the money . she didn't seem that interested. she only interested in the fault of the mother. step father also played porn video when I visited once before son was born. my mother was there too. weird. he kept finding his favourite bits and rewinding and playing over and over. is that normal infront of me and my mother? I hardly knew him. and I only visited once every few years. my sons father also tells my son not to listen to me. but he promised my son 50 quid and didn't give it to him. hes always letting him down. and hes always telling lies too just like my son. I guess the more horrible you are to your kids the more they want to please you. maybe that's why hes like his dad. wanting his approval. but he never gets it. then my son tells me I don't give him enough praise but I praise him all the time. hes getting his emotions of his dad mixed up with me. If I do let my son go, that would mean everybody has let him down.

    • mission impossible 3 years ago

      I had 2 step fathers one I was brought up by the other my mum married when I was a teenager. she left home, moved out to marry him. and left me with my first step father who abused me grossly when I was little. it stopped when I told mother. but he still watched me in bath ect. it started up again as young teen. I didn't tell second time as wasn't believed first time. some things about my own mother that I will not talk about here. that's why I kept my son away from certain people. even the inlaws stand up for my second step father and seem fiercly angry towards me. for not cooperating with him and my mother. my sons only way of fitting in and not feeling so alone is to turn against me I suppose. then in his mind he will get their approval . part of me wants him to do that so he doesn't end up with just me and that's it. but im angry that I was abused and now having my son turned against me because I was abused. I have loved my son too much. trying to protect him from feeling sad, upset, giving him presents to cheer him up lot s of cuddles when he was younger. fighting off his bullies. one by one. with diaries and visits to school. gave him things other children didn't have by going without myself. he denies all this and says he did it all himself. he really believes his own lies and fiercely protects them with his anger. my son torments me about my abuse and says I was old enough to know better. its easy for to blame me. he has been so protected. he wasn't brain washed and starved of love. he only does it when he is angry at something else. he calls me allsorts of names relating to this. social worker told him that that's why I behave badly!!! also not being believed about my sons behaviour takes me right back to when I wasn't believed as a child . im still not worth listening to. I love my son very much I just want him to stop tormenting me and abusing me. spitting in face calling me stuff and all the other stuff he does is abuse. being abused as a child has nothing to do with my son getting angry all the time. he has always gotten angry. theirs just too many excuses to be angry. and too many bad influences that can encourage my son. and allow him to do this.

    • mission impossible 3 years ago

      hi , I didn't go doctors in the end I phoned and asked for telephone consultation instead so I feel more in control. he just asked me whats been happening and said I should go back to gateways and have another interview for councelling for myself . this doctor does not believe anti depressants will help with the stress and the situation. :) I asked if he thought my sons behaviour was normal he said no. I said I would like to keep my right to call police when I feel intimidated or under threat. he said I still have that right. he said the police are just concerned why he behaves like that. I told him ive been trying to figure it out for years! so that's all they can offer if my son doesn't admit to anything. i telephoned family rights before hand and they said i should talk to cams. as my son goes but they didn't ever speak to me and apparently they should have. to see what was going on. they only have my sons view point and his social workers. i am going to write it all down. and hand it in . or take it in myself. also he hasn't seen them for a few weeks. not good. his worker hasn't been available. they don't phone me to tell me they only told my son the other day. a police women who came here once for sons behaviour(pcso) was horrible to me and said i was exaggerating and that im not exactly perfect. then she phoned and said she was coming round with social worker. i said i wont let her in if she does come round after the rudeness . she said that wasn't her if was someone else with same name. when they turned up it was her so i refused to let her in. but now son had his bike stolen and she phoned son about it and also discussed with my son about the situation and why i wouldn't let her in. she said it was mistaken identity and said she is coming round tomorrow which is today to ask all the neighbours if they seen anything suspicious. my son will let her in even if i say no. i don't want that sick lady on my case. or asking neighbours ect and stiring things even more. will have to phone police station and tell them. so i can get a nother police in. its too late now anyway bike got stolen last week son reported it last week. shes just being a nuisance. there are 3 women pcso here who are arrogant and prejudice towards me. all the rest are good. they make it clear they don't like single parents. she even lied to the social worker and told her she knows my son well. lies. she only met him twice in my house. for 5 minutes

      no wonder hes not getting the help he needs with people like that putting their made up statements in just when you need their support.

    • mission impossible 3 years ago

      Sophia whether the kids were abused or not do you think they should be just left to kill each other? do you enjoy watching kids bully their mothers just because they smacked them once years ago. or because the mother said no to an xbox 360.

    • Barbara Eller 3 years ago

      I am a 49 year old female and a survivor of phycial, verbal and mental abuse for 30 years. Have a child three years into my marriage I thought things would get better or change. Nevertheless it complicated things in the long run. I after hearing my husband has a drug addiction problem I was totally caought off guard. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and my only choice was to pray. I prayed secretly in my room and asked that God give me the strenth to raise my daughter the best way I knew how with what I had to work with. I never asked my husband for help in raising her. I promised myself that I would raise her with two parents no matter what. I was not gonna be responsible for breaking up my famil. Needless to say it created a child with alot of anger and anger management issues. She now has two children of her own whom all three of them live with me and want to have the say so of what goes on in my house. My husband and I are now divorced and she a no doubt picked up his charactristics. Where does this end.......Lost in my own home being controlled by my only daughter. I help her as much as possible and there is no appreciation..............I cry out for help and no one respinds. What do I do?


    • FeelingLow 3 years ago

      It's such a comfort to read that I'm not the only parent going through this hell.

      I'm sat here at 3am, after another episode from my 20 year old son, shocked and in a state of disbelief as this time he has struck me.

      A little background information on our family situation might make my story seem clearer.

      His natural father was violent towards me, we were together from age 16 and after five years of it we separated when I was 21. Shortly after I met my ex husband, and we were together for 15 years, he was also abusive but in a different way. His behaviour was manipulative, derogatory and controlling, and he didn't resort to violence until one incredibly brutal incident after we had separated. He constantly undermined my parenting role and my children viewed me as a nuisance to be ignored and ridiculed rather than a parent due to his examples of this. My son saw him as his father due to his natural father not wanting any contact with him after we split up and he idolised his step father. Unfortunately after my divorce his step father also cast him aside, as he has done with my three daughters.

      It took time but I then met a man who seemed to be perfect, then he started to exhibit jealous and possessive tendencies, the relationship started to fade and was nearing the end, at that point he raped me in my own home, thus ending the relationship instantly.

      My son is 20, has ADHD, Aspergers and moderate learning difficulties and life has always been a challenge with him. At 13 he was put on medication and since then had excelled at school and in his personal life. However 2 years ago he decided to stop taking his medication and used drugs and alcohol as a form of self medicating. I would not tolerate this behaviour in my home as it was having a negative influence on my two younger daughters, and since then a violent streak appeared. One time he grabbed my daughter by the throat and threatened to 'give her a good kicking' in an argument, and at that point I told him that if he was to exhibit that sort of behaviour in my home then he could leave. He left......

      I allowed him to move back home after a year or so, hoping to get him back on his medication and get him on a positive path, but the violent incidents kept occurring, mainly smashing up my house and making threats when drunk or under the influence of drugs. Again he left and I helped him set up a home, offering support and again trying to keep him medicated to prevent his impulsive behaviours. After a year he lost the property he was living in due to his erratic lifestyle, and became homeless. I allowed him again to stay with me on the proviso that he took his medication and wasn't to be in my home under the influence of drugs or alcohol. One night he turned up very drunk, verbally abused me and threatened me. when I called the police they arrived at my property and found various drug paraphernalia, as well as stolen goods and a large quantity of drugs....he had been dealing drugs and hiding them in my house, unbeknown to me. He was then charged with intent to supply drugs, and afterwards went to stay with my eldest daughter and frequently turned up at my house demanding money or alcohol, but was always denied this, and after each time he would either smashing my house or punch holes in the walls, stand outside at all hours screaming and shouting and disturbing my neighbours. I called the police several times and he was eventually charged with criminal damage and ordered to attend a drugs and alcohol programme which he refused.

      Over the Christmas period he was staying with my eldest daughter and on boxing day turned up, drunk and stoned asking for money and making derogatory and cruel remarks to my younger daughters ( who live at home with me). They left the house as they had plans to see friends and he turned and flipped on me. He threw furniture around my front room, grabbed me by the back of the neck and frogmarched me to the kitchen and ordered me to get a dustpan and brush and to (in his words) 'clean up the fucking mess I'd made him do'.... Halfway through this episode he then grabbed me again and threw me across my kitchen causing me to fall down. Again the instruction was issued to get up and clean the mess up. I went along with his instructions as at that point was terrified as it was just me and him in the house and he was between me and the telephone. He then marched off, grabbed the handset, smashed it into pieces and said I'd have no luck phoning the police now the phone was broken, then turned on his heels and left. I was able to call the police on my mobile, he again appeared in court charged with criminal damage and assault and was a given a suspended sentence and a restraining order was issued for him not to enter my street for the next three years.

      And here's where I have been a complete idiot and fool to myself but maternal love is a strong force. Towards the end of January he called me to say he was due in court for the drugs offences and was expecting a custodial sentence, he was very sorry and could he please come up to try and make amends before he was sent to prison. I stupidly relented and despite the restraining order allowed him back into my home. At court he escaped jail and was issued with a conditional discharge and asked to come back home and said he needed my help to get back on a steady course of medication and to quit the drugs and alcohol consumption. Being a mother who has always tried my best to support him I agreed with the conditions that (again) he is not in my house under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This worked for a few weeks and then the old patterns started to emerge, I'd go to work at a very stressful and demanding job (he doesn't work) and come home to find him drunk, stoned or a gaggle of similar youths in my home.The place is left in a pigsty, the youths have been seen urinating in my garden and my home treated with no respect. If I challenged him about this he would become threatening, although didn't resort back to the behaviour of destroying things, it was more verbal and intimidating. The past two weeks have been a nightmare, he's been constantly drunk, I'm getting no sleep as he wakes me when he gets in,or is awake all night disturbing me, I feel like a walking zombie and have been getting abusive calls/texts on my mobile whilst at work informing me of what a terrible parent I am.

      Today/tonight has been the final straw. He left here at teatime, with my house a bomb site after he has laid around watching TV all day while I've been working, saying he was going to meet friends and would be back in an hour or so to clean up his mess. He stumbled back in at 12.30 drunk, gleefully telling me about a fight he'd been in at a local pub. My reaction then provoked him into a violent outburst, I told him that I wasn't impressed with the fact that he'd been drinking nor was I impressed with the fighting, and that I was fed up with his life of crime affecting me and my two younger daughters. He then drunkenly rambled he was sorry and tried to hug me. Due to me still feeling traumatised by the rape, I recoiled as I do when anyone tries to have any sort of physical contact with me at the moment. He then flipped out, struck me across the face and started screaming that just because I'd been raped it didn't mean he would do it, and continued to shout and scream that he was my son, I was sick in the head as I was thinking he would rape me and that I should get myself sorted out. I asked him to keep his voice down as my 14 year old daughter was asleep and I didn't want my neighbours disturbed as they have young children and also didn't want the shame and embarrassment of them hearing what he was saying. He then proceeded to scream loudly that 'he didn't give a fuck who knows and hears I've been raped' and woke my younger daughter up. I was very upset and he continued to get in my face, shouting that I was sick in the head, just because I'd been raped it didn't mean he would do it and how dare I think that him hugging me would mean that. I tried to reason with him and say it wasn't him, but I'm like it with everyone right now (my daughters, fri

    • Barbara 3 years ago

      Thank God I found this site; I thought I was going mad, that I was the only one and blamed myself for the things that have been happening.

      My 17 year old son constantly verbally abuses me (calls me names like bitch, c**t, moron, thick, stupid etc - I don't think I'm any of these things but the constant derision is starting to affect my self esteem and confidence) He has physically abused me and has broken a rib by punching me and actually burst a blood vessel in my leg by kicking me.

      Did anyone help? I've called the police and told my GP and they just seemed bewildered and unsure what to do.

      He has broken doors, light switches, furniture and it's getting to the stage where I just feel like packing a suitcase and walking out and leaving him to it....I hate him

    • Julie L OConnor profile image

      Julie L OConnor 3 years ago

      I am so relieved to have come across this link.I am an abused parent. My daughter is 14 years old and suffers from early onset of adolescent BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder. Possibly a combined type of mood disorder.She has a therapist and is professionally diagnosed. I have been abused both physically and emotionally and am in fear for my life.Literally. I am in the State of Massachusetts,U.S.A. I am very confused because I am getting different feedback from different segments of the system here.One answer from law enforcement,another from Child social services,etc.......The situation has recently escalated and I am all alone except for my 84 year old father. It has gotten so bad that his MD. has put him on a new blood pressure medication. I have serious health issues and have no immediate family other than my elderly father. The father has been out of the picture completely since I was pregnant with my daughter. My daughter recently physically assaulted me. I called the police in my city.They said that I could not press charges even though I had my Father as a witness and they could not remove her from my home for more than an hour to do an evaluation and we would have to bring her back home. They took no written report and had a "talk with her".But a bit less than a year ago,social services recommended that I press assault charges against her and the police would arrest her. I am very confused.I need help from someone here in Massachusetts who knows the law and my rights. The police officers who came to our house said they could do nothing until my daughter was 17. That is three years! Basically this officer said if she assaults me I can defend myself and not be arrested but everyone else has told me I would be arrested if I touch her. Her therapist says this is ridiculous.We have a juvenile lock up in our city. My Father asked when can we get help? When my daughter is killed? Basically the answer from this officer was ....pretty much ,yes.We were floored by this.My daughter is strong and big and healthier than either one of us. I have exhausted every resource in Western Massachusetts but she just manipulates her way through short term hospitilization and group DBT therapy and continues to act out both at home and in school.She seems to have no remorse at all,and no respect for authority whatsoever.We are prisoners in our home.She is in control. Isn't this officer wrong? I need someone to put me in touch with anybody who can help. If we do not get her either a long term hospitilization or voluntarily turn her over to Dept. of Child and family services I may not be alive to get a response from someone here. She has never been abused .We are good people with a good reputation in our community.My Father raised me with good morals and values which I have passed on to her.It is believed that her mood disorder was passed down to her genetically as it runs rampant through her biological fathers family. And there is no history of mental disorders in my family. HELP......I NEED HELP ASAP.Your site is in the UK.I need a connection to someone in the U S A.Preferably in the State of Massachusetts. The situation is urgent.....please contact me with any info at the e-mail address I have provided. I am in fear for my life ,,,,,,literally. The police officer says she hasn't crossed the line.That she is teetering on the edge! What because I wasn't bleeding to death when he arrived? I fear I will be next time. Please I need help.I am a single mom with little income and Massachusetts State health Insurance. We are barely getting by financially.I am suppose to be seeing a surgeon this Thursday the 25th of April 2013. I am completely overwhelmed and frightened for myself and my elderly Father....Dear God please help us.....

    • Phil 3 years ago

      My 17 year old stepson is a monster. I have lived with him for 8 years and treated him like my own flesh and blood. His bio father left when he was 6. He was a violent man who beat my wife on a regular basis. My stepson has since a young age tried to control and manipulate the family by his bad behaviour and was diagnosed with ADHD but having lived with him I think it's more like ASBD. When I moved in his outbursts decreased and he seemed happy with the situation. His bio father chose not to have any contact and hasn't provided for him financially. It started with lying ,stealing and staying out at night. We have an 8 year old and his attentions turned to her hitting her, bullying and verbal abuse and threats. My wife dismissed this as just kids being kids because he always denied what had happened. 18months ago I married my wife. 2 weeks after he took something of mine and denied he had it. When I confronted him he became aggressive and rude. I also confronted him about the abuse on our 8 year old, his answer was prove it. He then assaulted me and pinned my arms. I had no other choice but defend myself. He went crying to his mother all 6ft 3 and said the nasty man hit me. His mother naturally took his side and took him to the hospital even though I hadn't hit him that hard. I was reported to child protection, but the charges were dropped as they realised he had lied about everything. Since then his behaviour has got worse, he fits every description of parent abuse. His mother now sees what he is and we both want him out of our home. We have tried CAMHS, Social Services and the Police. We threw him out a month ago but his sisters used emotional blackmail on my wife and she gave in and let him back against my wishes. Since he has come back his behaviour has got worse he left school 2 years ago and refuses to look for work, takes drugs and threatened my 8 year old with a lighter telling her he was going to burn her. I also reported him to the police for elbowing her in the face. He was arrested for an assault on his mother but the police convinced my wife to drop the charges. He just crows saying we cant do a thing. No one will help, Not the police not social services not CAMHS no one. I threw him out again on monday but he started kicking my front door in I called the police. As he had no where to go (His sisters or bio father wont take him ). The police say we cant throw him out until his 18th birthday (20th July). Not sure I can last another 3 months.

    • sally 3 years ago

      I have went every where to get help for these kids and nobody has listen can you help

    • Patricia Kant 3 years ago

      I have a daughter that will be 38 soon. She sent me an email to wish me a happy Mother's Day, we have not email each other for a long time.

      I email her back and thank her and told her that I miss not being a grandma to my grandson. Then the net thing I know I get an email back saying theat I was a bad mother and I stoled her when she was a baby. And that my husband and me where nothing but a child molester and we need to be in prison. She also said that in 2009 that my husband and me where going to come and kidnap my grandson from her.And that she would kill us if she ever seen us. And that she did not belive that I had cancer ( which i did have breast cancer) and that she hopes that I die soon and when I die she will thorw a big party. She also claimes that I'm on drugs and that I'm braind damages. And mentaly unstable and alot of other stuff. Then she said no matter what god had me to carry her for nine months and give birth to her and that I will always be her Mom. I just don't know what to do I have told her to leave me alone that she has her life and I have mine, she treats me like I'm the child and she my mother. Would this be consider parent abuse?

    • AlannahB 3 years ago

      My mother was murdered by my little brother (he was 18 at the time). He has gotten away with it, even though authorities are sure he is guilty, there's just not enough proof.

      I wish I would have been more aware of parent abuse before this happened. I want to help raise awareness because this is a serious issue that's getting worse.

      Here is some of the story of my mother's murder:

      If anyone would like to contact me about this feel free! My name is Alannah Buckley (on FB).

      If someone you know is suffering, SAY SOMETHING! I wish I would have done more when I could. YOU NEVER SEE SOMETHING LIKE THIS COMING, BUT YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE POWER TO SPEAK UP!

    • abused mother 3 years ago

      where do start???? my daughter is a typical daddys girl and he has never corrected her, she does not know the meaning of the word NO, shes never been punished.. These past 3 years have been a total nightmare for me. bought her things she threw them away or ripped them up, cooked for her she refused to eat, food to plain food to oily, theres eggs in the food theres vegetables yuk yuk yuk.. she started high school things got worse, my belongings were going missing i found them in her room and she denied that she had took them many other things have gone missing.. on occassions her father told me off for telling her off for taking my things, yes telling me off not her. she comes home from school have you had a good day she tells me to shut my face storms to her room and slams the door, call her for her dinner she refuses to eat it haseven got the the stage where i wait for her father to come home and then she gets her dinner and even then at times she refuses to eat, her father says ok no problem... she refuses to bring her clothes to be washed i even came up with the idea that she does her own washing when the machine is free but no she has to wait until i do the family wash and then im to blame her father mouths off at me. after all she is his favorite she can get away with murder and he would pat her on the back and say well done. i have 2 other children 12 and 10 and my eldests fights and is agressive to them.. i have been spat on by her, i have been kicked where my legs are black and blue she hits me my arms are black and blue her father does not say a word, im to blame i must have done somthing to bring it on he says and ends up screaming at me.. people who know me know the sort of girl my daughter is the way she thinks the way she acts, even a friend of mine warned my husband if ever we divorced they would support me but my eldest would never be welcome she would have to stay with him.... she lies, she cheats , she can make herself ill... just the weekend she had her hands around my throat when i was cleaning the bathroom because my other daughter had her friend staying over she tried to strangle me and dug her nails into my throat even though i have 2 witnesses her father started mouthing off at me, the following day she said see daddy does not love you he loves me now pack your bags and get out you are not wanted here.. for 3 years my marraige is on the rocks we have a guest flat and i am living in their i lock my door everynight, im not safe i dont feel safe... today she was at her friends house she had a panick attack she has been refusing to eat and its annorexic, she told the doctor that i was a bad mother and had been beating her treating her badly she was scared,, i have never ever raised my hand to her as i knew if i did she would probably tell the teacher and have me arrested.. the doctor made a report stating i was agressive and abusive and possably dangerous towards her. my husband was talking to me tonight and warned me if she ever had another panick attack it would finish her off and if she went to the hospital again they would have me arrested.. tonight i asked for a divorce i was blackmailed by him he refuses to give me a divorce or a separation. i have nowhere to go my parents are not here they are passed... meantime shes laughing she is getting what she wants. im afraid to even speak to her or to show my face to her knowing that she could call the police at any time and my husband is showing me no support whatsoever.... i walk out the police will be on my back i was warned.. shes 16 and its getting worse every dayi just can not handle it any more i cant handle her or my husband any more enough is enough. i cant report her as she has made false report on me today and her doctor is on her side..

    • heartbroken 3 years ago

      My son is such an amazing child. but I am sure he hates me. I love him more than anything. He is my first born and has 3 younger siblings. My husband and I married when he was 1. we live a nice life in a suburb. He needs or wants for nothing. So why is he so abusive? He has had anger issues and defiance issues since he was 8. But around age 12 he became physically and verbally violent. He does not want to take responsibility for any of his actions. In fact, his little sister (7 year difference) hit him (for which she was grounded in front of him) and he hit her back. When I stated that he would be grounded too, (he is 15) he immediately began to argue saying it was her fault because she made him hit her so he shouldn't be grounded. He then proceeded to call names, put a hole in the wall and shove me several times. He gets into yelling matches with my husband (who is in counseling as well to learn how not too). He then wants to pretend that nothing happened and that I shouldn't be hurt or angry. he constantly tells me we don't love him and that he hates us. I truly believe he hates us. it breaks my heart. we have tried the removing everything, no priviledges, calling the police, and ignoring. I worry about the kind of husband or father he will be. There is no place to turn to here. How do we teach him to be a better man? to take responsibility? to not be violent?

    • Frances 3 years ago

      I last posted 2 years ago after 3 years of hell from my son. Soon after, I suffered an extreme violent outburst from him. He was just 15. The police came and down played it. Two days later, I was still shaking. I pressed charges. He was arrested by the police; he denied the assault. I refused to let him come home and eventually Social Services took him into foster care. It was so, so hard. He pleaded with me to come home but he wouldn't acknowledge what he'd done. I knew that I needed to protect his siblings and me from his behaviour and I kept my resolve. Now he agrees that it was the best thing for him. He is doing really well, so are we. He visits often, has his friends around and is affectionate and cooperative. I wish social services had given me respite care, a few days every month, but they didn't. I never imagined that I would have a child in foster care but it has worked out for us. I'm glad that I stood my ground, for his sake as well as ours. I wish you all luck in finding that boundary.

    • helen 3 years ago

      I have experienced a great deal of violence at the hands of my 15 year old son, as have my other two children, my son has tried to strangle me & throw me down the stairs. I sought endless help from our Go, camps and social services, all felt it was normal teenage behaviour and I should put up with it. I was so fearful one of us would die I took my son to social services and signed a section 20, which effectively placed my son in care, he is terribly angry at me for doing that but I can't jeopardise our safety and resign him to a life of crime if he continues, I face man on going battle to get social services to recognise that this is domestic violence.

    • Susan lee 3 years ago

      Ha it's not only teens my daughter is 26 and constantly abuses us via email and text even though she has moved out of our home. She constantly threatens us ,has turned the neighbors against us and refuses to collect her belongings as she believes this gives her the freedom of our home. She has willfully damaged property,let herself into our home whilst we were on holiday and stolen items from our home so we changed the locks,when she found out she rang my mother and debased us as parents. She has help in her 50 year old boyfriend who is advising her that she can take our home away from us. We don't know what to do with her stuff but want no more to do with her and her threats .this is the worse kind of nightmare

    • Louanne Bay 3 years ago

      Please help me! Someone needs to listen to my ongoing please for help. My daughter Mariah who is a teenager is abusing me and my husband in so many ways I cannot begin to tell you. 360-529-1420

    • Millie 3 years ago

      Im crying as I write this, today is the 5th time I have had to call the police. Today my son once again has pushed me to the ground, verbally abused me, smashed up the bathroom at home, threatened me with a knife. This is not the first time, the police have been called before as he has threatned to burn our flat down with myself and his younger brother in it, hekd a knife to his throat, thrown knifes at me, punched holes in the walls and doors, smokes cannabis and drinks alcohol (he is 16 years old) thrown me across the room and has been taken off a rail way line for threatening to kill himself. By the time the police got here today he had ran off with one of the knifes he threatened me with, the police and CID looked for him again and brought him home, again he says all the right things to the police and again they let him off as they tell me if he is arrested he will have a criminal record and he has just started college and wants to find an apprenticeship and a criminal record will affect that.I am a single parent with another son age 9 living in fear at home, I am waiting for him to get home wondering if he will start on me again. Last time in July after the police let him go he came home at 1am came into my bedroom and threatened me with a knife again, I tried to call the police but he took my phone away from me and deleted various numbers from my phone and said if I was to call the police he will kill me. I have just found this site, his real father died from drug and alcohol abuse and went to prison when my son was 4 years old for trying to kill me and domestic violence where I was was in and out of hospital between 1996 - 1999 now im reliving it again, I cant stop crying, all I want to do is have a normal life for myself and my other 9 year old son. I have tried to help my 16 year old, I saw my GP and arranged counselling for him, he also attends CAMHS which is mental health services which I had to fight for him to get onto but they just seem to make excuses for him, I tried to tell him to leave home but he said if I make him do this he will kill himself. I find it hard to say this I love my son but I don't like him - Im scared of him and Im 45 years years old and he is 16 years old and he bullys me. He self harms himself as well, I hide all the knifes in the flat but he just gets more.

    • Paul 3 years ago

      My recent ex girlfriend is suffering appalling abuse from her 13 year old ADHD and aspergers son. This has been going on for years according to her, but as he gets bigger and stronger the violence, control, verbal abuse and complete refusal to conform or co operate in any way increases. He refuses to take his medication, refuses to go to school (he's in a provision for special needs kids) without a fight every day, and inflicting violence on her every day, I don't know how she copes but you can tell behind the smiles she is suffering and fears for the future.

      It breaks my heart to see this happening to her, but she has removed me from her life now and has moved on. I did have a good relationship with her son and he was never violent to me.

    • Brooksie33 3 years ago

      Just came upon this article and it really hits home with us right now. Our daughter is 12 has no respect for anyone or anything. Her older sister who is married now was the same way but didn't start quite as early. We survived that one but my youngest daughter has ADHD and is much worse is so many ways. We are at our wits end wondering what will happen next. Tonight she told me she was going to kill herself after a long evening of her verbal abuse. I didn't think she was ever just going to give it up and go to bed. I have a toddler at home and when she goes into these rages he doesn't know what to do, it tears his nerves up and scares him. We are afraid if he grows up with this he will think it's normal behavior and have another repeat on our hands. My husband is just about ready to bolt for the door after working long hours he comes home and is told what a piece a crap he is by a 12 year old. She tells me the same thing but I'm worthless for other reasons. This happens just about every night of the week and escalates on weekends. This specific evening it was just because I would not let her go to a friends house this weekend. She is already grounded for bad behavior but refuses to understand why or be responsible for her actions ever. She tells me I can't touch her, spank her, or do anything to her or she will call the cops and tell them I mistreated her in some way. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. To only be 12 she is a master manipulator and feeds off the sympathy of others. I can't look at her in any sympathetic way any longer. This is a child who has held a screwdriver up to me and threatened to stab me in the heart with it, screamed at her brother, a toddler, telling him she wished he was never born, and has left bruises on my back and so far has cost me a night in jail. Not to mention breaking things, throwing things, or the physical pushing and shoving. She is so calculated and manipulating she has me convinced if I call the cops after she gets done with them I will lose my toddler. She can tell me to die, scream she hates me and 30 minutes later come back up to me want a hug and says a simple sorry. I think she really believes that will excuse the behavior. Her biological dad is not stable enough to be responsible for a child in any way and I have no family that can handle her. We just don't know what to do. I'm about to join on Facebook, it helps knowing we are not alone in our struggles.

    • margey 3 years ago

      Millie, I am so sorry that I have only just read your comment which you posted 8 days ago. I hope that you are safe and that your worst fears did not come true on that occasion.

      What you describe is so frightening. It is not as uncommon as we would like to think, but it is definitely not right or fair or a good way to live and you are NOT to blame for how you feel or what is happening.

      In a situation like you describe the ideal would be that the police and the mental health services work together to achieve a solution that is safe and healthy for all of you. Unfortunately though we do not live in an ideal world, and I know that in some places it can be really difficult to get the police to respond in a helpful way.

      What is important here it seems to me is that you are honest with yourself and with the police and mental health services. What you describe here is a great deal of fear for yourself and your family. Do the police know exactly how fearful you are? Do the mental health workers know about everything he has done and said? Going through with police intervention may seem wrong, but to allow your son to continue with his violence may prevent his future career or life success in any case. Arrest is not necessarily the only option. It may be that the police can help your son to get the health help that he needs - and to which he has a right.

      I wish you safety and peace of mind.

    • Mikkie 3 years ago

      I am somewhat different. It is my husband's daughter. She is te devil incarnate. Her abuse started in 2007 when she was just 7 years old and it has gotten worse over the years. Her father does nothing about it and blames me for reacting to her abuse. She has threatened me and has cussed me out several times and most recently she has done it in his presence. I am currently at a neighbor's home because she and her brother fought so violently that they wrecked the house. There was broken glass everywhere. May I mention now that I am handicapped, a cancer survivor, awaiting two hip replacements and have an underactive thyroid. I have never been sick prior to living with them. I don't know what to do. Their mother lives her life going to clubs and having multiple men, while I am stuck in this hell hole. The French laws are so stupid. They protect them and leave me vulnerable. I said I do not want that little girl in my house and my husband makes excuses. Even now as I am in a safe place he is pressuring me to move back to the house and I refuse.

    • CommonSenseBear 3 years ago

      You've Got to be kidding me Right? Been reading these, I'm Well aware of Parent Abuse and the Lovely DV ENABLERS called CPS, more like Centralized Patriarchal System. Been there Done that, allow me to share some Common Sense with you, first of all, know that today's Agenda is ALL about destroying Mothers number one, aka Misogyny on steroids, because to Destroy the children, aka individual you must First remove that ole whimpering Protective mother from the picture. That's how Statist fascism works, aka the Serpent. fathers who Aren't abusive assholes are Also put under fire by the Same system, this is why ABUSERS and NARCISSISTS are CPS best friend, and Psyche Nazis are no better. So, having That KNOWLEGE in mind, know that from birth to adult your, our children are Bombarded with subtle but clever Underminings of parental authority, ESPECIALLY MOTHERS. Because Misogyny serves the purposes of the Police state, it's just dumb children just don't Know this yet. Believe me they Will soon enough, those the State does seem to "enable" trust me, it's Not out of empathy, it's out of Knowing these children one day will be in their Penal system paying bread and butter criminal economies, or Zpharma, either way. This is why there is no support, it IS by design. So What to do in meantime, well I learned the hard way...listen and cow toe to the System you WILL LOSE, and No they don't care, they Raped you of your time, peace And MONEY and they laughing in their vacation home, paid prob by you. And your troubled children which THEY GROOMED to be little terrors. as for YOU Mother above, the First time your kid hits you is when YOU should ave kicked their ass Period, no ands ifs or butts. And IF you go to jail, SO WHAT. DO NOT, confess Child Abuse, as for CPS and their mind Fcky! Tell them to shove it. Better yet Display some of the same abusive behaviors to them, see how They like it. Sure they'll make Excuses because you see they know these entitled BRAT behaviors are wrong, they DARE not tolerate them in State Care, oh Hell no. But now let a Parent restrain a child and it's Child Abuse! There Is child abuse, granted, but This is he outcome of a By Design Agenda to tear up social cohesion to later allow a worse tyranny, using naive kids as the pawns. As fr Adult children, like one above, you Throw her tuff outside and file a Suit against her for libel, harassment and by golly you Mean It. first time...the Problem begins by Compromising Boundaries, by being a Freind rather than a strong guide. you will NEVER see an animal getting by with like behavior from offspring, a female lioness, bear, monkey, even in more PATRI animal kingdoms, a mother animal would smack that offspring upside the head and then some. It's only Human females who've been Brainwashed to tolerate disrespect and abuse. Don't Even bother with the system, That is a trap. A lot here sounds like kids on Meth. As for the really young ones, genetics? Does one of parents have psychopathy in One of family lines? Diet can also cause and Big one, Turn OFF the electronics. Over stimulation, has a Lot to do with aggression, way too many electronic visuals at rapid speeds (information processing) that are bad for adult, much less a child. Depending on the ae, with Teens it's the culture (by design sadly) and our Liberal ways when they are Young yes Do feed the Entitlement mentality. Also Mothers who have Partners or the father shows complete disrespect for women, has a Lot to do with the rise in abuse. Use to be honor thy Mother and Father, these days it's honor thy father mother is just a maid...etc. you Have to deal with That first, as for the mother whose kids slammed her and daughter taunted her, etc., you Take every belonging they have, other than excess ities and you Burn it. All if it. And Hit back, HARD. I'm talking when it's TEENs here, who yes in Many cultures are considered ADULTS. What These kids are doing is a CRIME, PERIOD. You might lose them, So What. YOU'VE LOST THEM ANYWAY when it gets to THAT level, as for Younger kids, they may wind up in system but IF you don't Stand your ground now they WILL learn to be Abusive as well and you'll lose them too. Doing nothing, kissing their asses Only results in Permanent damage to ALL involved. Better to be hated and Respected, than to be hated and a doormat. GET SOME BACKBONE. And NO they don't LOVE you if you're a doormat, no matter How well they MANIPULATE YOU, Whose the PARENT here? No you Don't have to be a raving violent nutcase, yelling, threats, BRIBING, does Not work. They destroy home, Fine, they eat Ramen, the rest of money goes for repairs out f Their luxuries, no Christmas, Birthdays, Nada. You Got to be tough, they cry, well tell them, They started the war and by golly you'll finish it. stop caving in to teir Emotional Blackmail. Those with Adult children pulling this crap, oh no, their ass would be OUT, no emails, nada. file a suit, civil court, Tort. And Do It, don't just threaten. When they SEE you Respect Yourself, guess what? They'll either Respect you or they'll leave and find new victims. DON'T BE A VICTIM. You are NOT helping them, only Enabling. IF the law comes down, well Fine, so be it...the Psychopaths will devour each other. Don't apologize, don't compromise and hold your head high. I know this is hard with younger children in home, BUT if you DON'T get tough, your abuser may Well hurt those're just going to have to get Mean folks...ABUSERS take advantage of empathy, nice people Especially women. It's Especially bad in white Stepford wife culture, fact...yuppie values, do NOT tolerate abuse from Anyone. I did, I even got Criminalized as a kids got worse. Finally I had enough and thought, prison would be better than this hell, and started fighting back. And it Worked...I'd rather do jail time than bow to the nanny state, screw that. Theyll Destroy You and Your children if you let them. Take Ownership of your mistakes, we all make them, but do NOT let your children or Assholes for state Use that to keep you in abuse and Bondage.

    • keepcatssafe 3 years ago

      I am an adult living with my adopted mother to help with the bills and ect. She has an adult child in the home this is past the 20's. I do not want to put many details in here because of identification. The story details can be recognized as me being the one that wrote this. The now adult child has legit reasons to not be mentally well. The now adult child was hospitalized several times as a teen and now as an adult. He recently went on a bad trip with "spice" and has not cleared for several months. He does not have any life skills, and as an adult he has to get his medicaid and disability on his own, yet he has not been mentally able to do this. He is well enough to stay "under the radar" and play the mental health system, really to his own detriment and ours. He was recently ivc'd twice that really made things worse for me and his mother as he will not take his medication. Now, he refusses to let us fill his scripts, know what he is on, or anything. "kicking him out" isn't really an option because he has nowhere to go, is psychotic and delusional enough to make our lives hell, and has NO life skills. He is verbally hostile, abusive, demeaning, exhausting 24/7. I am trying to figure out the laws in NC about pressing charges for communicating a threat. "I'll snap your neck and get away with it". Previously, damaged property (we rent and do not want to get evicted for this or for having the cops out to the house too many times. If I call 911, it only makes the situation worse because they come and go because he is so charming and manipulative to agree he is going to lay down, take meds, or whatever. When calling mobile crisis out it is the same. They come and go, ivc him if deamed appropriate, but in the end everyone goes and we are left with the repercussions of calling. In this county only mobile crisis can ivc after face to fave eval with the person, but ivc doesn't help anyways cause when he gets home he doesn't take his meds and it starts all over again. After reading information that I found online about the laws in North Carolina, the same problem arises. I file police report, they come out and interview, and set a court date if they deam laws have been broken (the threat is genuine, has supporting evidence, and has intent to follow through). Here again, they come out, and we are here with him until the court system does what they do. Again, bad situation. In addition, if I file a restraining order or the courts decide to do something similar it would put my mother in a situation where he would be forced to leave the home (I don't know where he would go) or I would have to leave (which I won't do because my mother is at home all day, just beginning to get mobile on her feet, can't drive, and go back to work yet. I'm not even sure getting involved in the legal system would do any good except that there is a chance that they would put him on probation with conditions that would hopefully force him to get healthier to be able to meet those conditions. Okay, that is the jist. I live in North Carolina and am looking less for a place to spill (BUT this site really helped me feel like I was not alone because we keep this private from everyone else to the point where we are now isolated ourselves). I am looking for any ideas, help, solutions, recommendations, anything that might make this situation more bareable for me, my adopted mother, adult "brother", the cats we have, and not to get evicted. He has done expensive damage to walls, electrical stuff in the house, smashed my computer, ripped the doors off of the hinges of my room, we have nothing of value left. And weirdly enough has never actually hit me or his mother, but there is always a first for everything in a psychotic state.

    • Donald L Jannicelli Jr 3 years ago

      I was trying to get down to business last night when I noticed I had no phone to use. I went to the living room and that one was missing too. I asked my wife who was on the couch watching TV where a phone was so I can have one handy in case I needed one. My daughter Jaimie who is still living at home near in her mid 20's had it and wanted to use it. I said I only want one of the phones on hand in case I needed it. She gave it to me and followed me into my office. Just as I sat the phone in the charger on my desk, Jaimie began to yell at me. Then she began to attack me physically. I tried to keep her from hurting me and we ended up with me on my knees and her on my back with her hands being held by her wrist by me. She began to try to bite the flesh from my scalp but could not get any. I am asking her what she wants, I am only trying to sit down and take care of business. Within a few minutes she was able to break free from my hold of her wrist. I let her try to use her fingers to dig at my eyes but not hurt my vision. I told her she was hurting me. Then she took her fingers as hard as she could stretch my lips open from side to side while all the time I am trying to tell her she is hurting me. My wife was there saying to Jaimie she would take her to a motel for the night. After she settled down, I was able to get up, open the window to cool down my sweat while I sat in my chair. Jaimie said to me"I am pretty strong aint I" I said yes, you are a powerful woman. She said if I was not careful I would get more the next time. I ended up reading about such abuse online and found this site. I would like to handle this as a family affair and let her know that it is not acceptable to do such thins to her father.

    • pigletsfriend 3 years ago

      my daugher was just like this then she decided she wanted to commit suiside and she got a knife my elderly mother was in the kitchen at the time and tryed to take the knife of her and got hurt her self. as i have aspergers my adult socail worker and mums socail worker decided to pull out all stops to ahve ahe placed in a care home well it is a childrens home. she hates me she hates the way i dress i had my head shaved for charity and the list goes on she hated me to get her or take her school she did nto want any of her friends to see me. now she wont talk to me on the phone apparantly she is good as gold and attending school and no abuse to the teachers eiter now. she is 14 what can the socail workers for the child care team do i wonder as they said she could be returned home as it was a accedent mum got hurt with the knife i feel that is true she only hurts her 12 year old brother sometimes not us adults in the home. i still have my younger son at home with me and not got the problems she has and is behaveor i nip in the bud send him to is room ground anything like that and he accepts i also brought up another boy he is now 25 and he was normal teen too and left home and independent and got a job. i love my daugher and i feel there should be more done to help these kids myh kid apparantly changed when put in a care home i not even allowed to see her she refuses to see me i not even sure what will happen from here on i want her home but not near mum so i will have to move and if she will not talk to me what will socail services do she has a child pychitrris too. i live uk so what will happen any one no? the probme is she is a NT my sons and me have aspergers is there a clash with that too i wonder. she was fine till she got in with the rong peer groups she drinks smokes and sleeps around i had not one onze of control over my daugher and now she hates me for haveing ehr arested all i wanted it help for her i got that all right but what now. will they try mediaton to at least get us talking and get to the botton of things we had family theropy that went realy well in the passed put it is only the last few months her persanlity changed for the worsed she even shouted from the roof tops she hates me she hates me for allowing her to see her abuive dad and she hates me the way i dress and the asperger side of things the ole street no all about us throught her anger i no they do it to the colest person but it realy hurts me lots what she as said and continuing to say and refuses to come home. help what rights do i have to have help to at least talk to her and resove some thing with a profetal invoved. to get to the bottom of things wither she stays or not she is my daugher

    • Everybody Hurts profile image

      Sarah Swift 3 years ago from Derbyshire

      Hi, my name is Sarah and I and my 14 year old daughter have been victims of her twin brother's abuse for the last few years. There have been too many incidents to tell you about all of them, but one of the worst incidents was when I was at work and he chased my daughter upstairs with a carving knife - she managed to get into her room first, but he stabbed and slashed the door at least a dozen times. He used to punch and kick me every morning as I was getting him up and ready for school, can and will use anything to hand as a weapon, and even now we walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting him. At the end of March I was literally suicidal after getting verbal abuse from him all of one particular day - he kept telling me how much he hated me, and how he wished I would drop dead. He kept telling me how he would prefer to live anywhere than with me, and wished that he never had to see me again. That night, I managed to take one sleeping tablet rather than a fistful of others, and survived to tell the tale. The saddest thing is, that in common with most of the others who have posted on here, I thought I deserved to be treated like that - I thought I must be a dreadful mother, and I ran around after my son like an idiot, just trying to get him to like me. All I did was make him think even more badly of me. Since then, I have been getting help with my self-esteem from a counsellor, a hypnotherapist and a self-esteem group, and I now know that I am mainly a good person, and that I have value like everyone does. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, and nobody has the right to treat others like this. When I was at my lowest, it was because I thought I was the only person this was happening to - this site and other things I've come across shows that this isn't the case, but the "blame the parents" culture that we live in today one, stops us finding out about others who are experiencing these problems, and two makes the parent feel their child's behaviour is their fault. This is definitely not the case, though it has taken me some time to accept that my son's influences are far and wide, and that if my influence on him is only a small one, then my blame for his behaviour must be the same size! Because of the lack of support available locally to me, I have set up a parent support group for anyone affected by child to parent abuse. The group is called Everybody Hurts, and we are now having monthly meetings in Chesterfield, but I intend to make the group available to anyone in Derbyshire and Sheffield. If anyone would like to contact us, we are also available on email, text and phone, and we hope to have a website in place very soon as well.

      The details are as follows, and everyone is welcome to contact us in the way they feel most comfortable:

      or 07582 175435

      Facebook: Everybody Hurts Derbyshire

      you're not alone.....

      Good luck everybody, hoping you all find a peaceful answer in the end x

    • Tess 3 years ago

      I have a daughter who is now 15. For two years I have tolerated verbal abuse, texts that call me a bitch. Door slamming. Complaints about her Dad who does not cook her favourite food. Stealing from me, taking my clothes. She has hit me just once. Running away and hours later expecting me to come and pick her up and buy her a take away.

      We have involved police with not much effect except for two female police officers who said it straight to her but as soon as they left she continued where she left off. I have cried so many times. It has put our marriage under strain. We have involved Child /adolescent services but she played them like a violin.

      It is soul destroying, it takes from my self confidence and self belief.

      She will wear the same clothes for days as she cannot be bothered to change. I have read your stories above and so many could be talking about me.

      One thing my GP recommended - on talking to my daughter during one of these bouts or afterwards is to limit the options you offer. As in, you either come home or you go into care, not to offer a selection of choices. I did this last night and my daughter was shocked, her comment was that I had gotten very smart all of a sudden.

    • shelly Lynn 12 3 years ago


      I don't know if I have the motivation to even write about this. I will share my story the best that I can because I feel it is my duty to the world, especially to other mothers or fathers or other care givers who are suffering with this. My daughter is 16 years old and life has been a nightmare since she was 12 years old. I never in a million years would ever think this would happen. One day, she just changed into a different person, just like that. I feel like the first 12 years of her life were just a dream. She was such a SWEET girl. She really was! For the first 12 years of her life, she was so sweet and loving! It feels like another time and in another realm long, long ago. I even cry because I almost feel like my daughter died that day she changed. I truly grieve like my child died, but she didn't. Does that make any sense? The grief is so fierce. I don't know if I completely lost my mind or what, but it's so hard. I feel like those 12 years have been just erased, erased from existence like they never happened.

      The way my daughter is and has been for the past four years is not her fault. We had a very messed up life. Poverty, dysfunctional family , abusive name it. I tried so HARD, SO DESPERATELY HARD to change it and rescue you her from it. I use to beat myself up all the time of what a bad mother I was, but looking back, I shouldn't have beat myself up because I should have known back then, there is NOTHING you can do to change your path in life, especially if you are a single mother. I feel like if I would have accepted that sooner in life, things would have been different somehow. I tried in vein to prevent her going down the wrong path in life, do things differently than my piece of crap parents, give her everything I didn't have it, but it just I swear to all of you, I constantly look back to the times where she was 6 years old, 9 years old, 11 years old....and at those times in her and my life, I never saw this storm coming. Not even by a long shot. I never knew I was going to live in such horror. I never thought me and my daughter would become such enemies , brutal enemies. She has done everything to me. Yell at me, curse at me, verbally abuse me and physically abuse. One time she punched my nose clear across my face and blood squirted all over the walls. My nose was literally pushed over to my cheek. I thought my nose was ruined forever. The next day, my eye was pure black and blue. That was nothing though compared what was going to come. We were evicted out of two places. Trouble in school like you wouldn't believe. EVERY SINGLE BLESSED DAY something messed up has to happen. I actually don't know how I am not dead of a heart attack or a stroke but I do fear that it is coming. I never thought I would fear for my life in so many ways. I am constantly paranoid of the state or the law stepping in and throwing me into jail for my daughters awful behavior and blaming me for everything. This is a real fear that constantly plagues me on a daily basis. Lately, I have literally become afraid for my life feeling as though my daughter is going to kill me or kill herself. Her father committed suicide when she was four years old, so I have greater reason to fear this. I have no hope for the future, I see no light. She has become a terror and doesn't care about anyone or the problems she causes. She also abuses me by humiliation. Here is one example out of many. Last week, we went clothes shopping. She went over her budget by $25.00 and when I told her that I couldn't give it to her, she threw the clothes at the sales clerk and stormed out of the store. I apologized to the clerk and left. Well she got mad that I left the cloths there because I guess she thought I was going to buy them. When I came outside, she screamed at the top of her lungs, MULTIPLE times, "You b*tch wh*re c*nt piece of sh*t. Suck a d*ck you c*nt"'. She was saying all of this over and over again, screaming it. The people in the parking lot were shaking their heads in disgust. I was literally beaten and battered and thats what I mean by abuse using the method of humiliation. No matter what I do, if I say no or challenge her in any way, I'm f*cked. In the last four years , I have called the police on her about 35 times. That's right, 35 times. She never got sent to juvy once because once the police got there, I chickened out and say it wasn't that bad. Now we are at the end of the line. We are defiently being noticed now and i fear it's not long before we get hauled into court or child protective services show up on our door step. If that doesn't happen, something else bad will. I fear her emotionally instability and impulsiveness is going to get her into so much trouble. It's like watching an out of control train and your powerless to stop it. I never seen anyone lose her mind like she does and it's getting worst and worst and that is now the reason that I am actually fearing for my life. I fear she is capable of killing me in one of her fits of rage. Her rages get worst and worst, and now they have entered a whole new level of scary. She hates me and she blames me for everything and in her mind, she is going to make me pay one way or another. Please God, I can't believe this is my reality. Haven't me and my daughter suffered enough? Please give us a miracle, we deserve to be happy for once.

    • Andrea 3 years ago

      Remember the Oman that's what my son reminds me of I just can't find any reason as to why he is the way he is

    • lynella 3 years ago

      Hello All

      I am blown away at finding so many going through what I am enduring with my 20 year old son and have done so for about 6 or 7 years now. I have requested on the facebook page and would really like to connect with all on there. I have felt SO alone all these years and now I am at the end of my tether. I have tolerated so much of most of what all of you have tolerated on a daily basis and I thought I was the ONLY one on earth experience this humiliation of being abused by my son. Its one thing to be abused by a partner but when it comes from the child we gave birth to, raised, nutured and loved to see them turn into evil monsters well this is another story. I just want to say Im really glad to have found you all and I feel sad for the stories you have shared. Most of you, like me, are broken, shattered and not knowing where to turn or what to do. I have lived in hope all these years my son would miraculously change but I think I am beginning to accept he wont and its time too start preparing my mind and my life to having him removed from my life. He has ADHD and i have recently (with a LOT of pushing) got him into the adult mental health team for further mental illness assessments at the end of this week. I dont even know if I can hold on till his first appointment but in reality I know there is going to be no help overnight. Its going to be a process (anyone living in England will know this!!) and I dont think I can hang on anymore. I am broken. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am drained. I now suffer severe panic attacks when my son walks back into my house from being out for a while. Panic attacks if i see text messages from him. Panic when he is in my car. I used to be so strong....SO SO strong. Now i feel like a pathetic feeble mess. He has destroyed me. Im too tired to seek help anymore. For him and for myself.

      Well done to all of you for your endurance and I pray we all get the strength and help to do the right thing.

    • maggie 3 years ago

      I am so done with my 14yr old and I am taking back my control! IF I dont, her antics are going to kill me. I can literally feel myself dying and wishing I was dead . Its come to this ? My hopes and dreams for my children..the love..going broke to make them happy...and on and on and on. Not doing it anymore! And if she doesnt like it she can go and live somewhere else. To the point I dont really care anymore

    • richard 3 years ago

      my son age 14 sam is abusing me and my wife kicking us swearing keeping us and my other son awake till 4 or 5 am some times we went to the police most of the time they can't do anything about it got other people involved they are as much good as nothing. please need some help

    • teresa 3 years ago

      I am sat here with tears streaming down my face. I thought I was totally alone with my predicament. My daughter is 22 and has been abusing me since the age of 15. I have considered suicide as an end to this suffering but why should the rest of my family suffer for her actions. I don't know what to do. There is no one who can help. I have asked her to leave but dhe won't. I said I will chuck her out but dhe then says why would you put your own daughter on the streets! I just don't know what the answer is. All I know is that im losing the person I used to be.

    • Susan Heath 3 years ago

      I can't begin to say how difficult it is to.even feel heard when trying to talk about something as cringeworthy as parental abuse. I have been made to feel so responsible and yet so powerless when i have tried to broach the subject of my 15 year old son. Social services and family support refuse point blank to accept that achild can be abusive. Do I have to be stabbed or have my house blown up before i'm heard?!I'm sure that even then it will somehow be my fault. I feel tortured ins multitude of ways and thankfully i've now stumbled upon this site which,for the first time in years, has given me some hope and also more importantly some perspective. I realise i'm not alone and that what is presently a whisper may one day become a shout that this problem is real,very challenging and we as parents damn well deserve help.and validation.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 3 years ago from Southwest UK

      To all of you who have commented over the last few month let me say this:

      You have all taken the first step to overcoming your situations just by sharing your stories and that is something to be proud of and fell empowered by.

      You are one of the 118,000 people who have sought help and advice and hit this article since I wrote it. You are one of the brave who felt they could share their story, there were many who didn't and still suffer in silence.

      You are definitely not alone in your experiences and this is an issue that is gaining global awareness as people come forward and tell their stories. As a result of telling your story here, you empower not only yourselves, but those who are still to afraid to take action, or maybe your story is the one that helps someone who suffers in silence to act now and change their lives.

      We can only help each other, by helping ourselves.

      Be brave, have courage and even when you thought you had no pride or dignity left, you discover that all you have left is a hope, and that is all you need to get through another day. Tomorrow is always another day and a new chance to change your life for the better. Never give up on you, because you always have the power to make changes and that is something nobody can ever take from you.

    • Adey Jarvis profile image

      Adey Jarvis 3 years ago

      One thing that happened a kid I went to school with was a big sign in the hall that said "X number of days until David leaves the house." That was 4 months after his 14th birthday. He thought it was a joke that at 16yo he would not be going to colleage, that there would be no money for university and he would be out of the streets. His parents follows through with it. Bags packed, put outside the door and locks changed. They have never talked to him again. He cried and begged them for forgiveness. They jus said, you've had 2 years of warnings. You obviously hate us, so you can leave now. The police said they should have pressed charges at 10yo, the age of criminal responsibility in the UK.

    • Beverly Rhoades 3 years ago

      I have foster children in my home in Mongolia. One of those children has been a problem for many years. As I read the articles above, my heart went out to the parents of these kids who are so troubled. I, too, have had to literally kick out this 19-year-old for he cannot be trusted. He will steal anything that is not nailed down so he can act big to the world. Our problems are nothing like those suffering above, but tough love does work. Keep encouraged and get help. And by the way, God does care! And He answers prayer.

    • At wits end 3 years ago

      I cannot believe we live in a society that tells children, it doesn't matter how you behave , as long as you are under 18 ,its ok. I am sick to death of listening to the verbal diarrhoea spouted Social Workers, as if an abusive child will magically change over night on their eighteenth birthday. I think it's about time we told our youth that you have to pay for the decisions you make in life, in the same way as adult. Smashing the house up hitting your parents, verbal abuse is NOT ACCEPTABLE, but alas as it says in good book " The slave will give birth to it's master" An abused parent.

    • At wits end 3 years ago

      I would like to know why my opinions were not shown on this site, this is how I have been treated as a parent, both by my children and Social saevices

    • At wits end 3 years ago

      It seems to me that nobody really seems to care . Young people are allowed to grow up thinking that they can act however they wish. As adults we are punished for incorrect behaviour and rightly so, my children have been taught what is right from wrong , they seem to be able to make the right decisions in life when away from home , so why can they not make the right decisions whilst in the family home

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 3 years ago from Southwest UK

      To At Wits End:

      Whilst I appreciate that you are in a highly emotional state, you must understand that all comments have to be approved by a moderator BEFORE they are shown publicly. This is to weed out spam and abusive comments which are neither wanted or needed here.

      The moderators do have lives to live and are not on hand 24/7 to moderate comments such as yours the second that they have been posted.

      Please try to understand that nobody here has treated you with any disrespect and you yourself need to take a step back and realise that the whole world is not against you. There are people that do care and work extremely hard to help people like yourself. My advice is to see your family doctor and get some counselling to learn to regulate your emotional responses in order to deal effectively with your situation. I speak as someone who HAS EXPERIENCED abuse and has come out of the other side of it, so I do know exactly what I am talking about.

    • goodoldrebel 3 years ago

      I can identify with many of the above abused parents. I have a 15 year old who is physically violent towards me and his mother. As his father I have had to put up with such things as recently as last week, his screaming very close in my ear while I was driving. He actually has damaged my hearing from that episode. He thinks this is funny while he is doing this. I won't hit him in defense of myself because its a gray area legally. He is a very overindulged, entitled child who is given everything by his mother. She basically doesn't want an argument so she lets him do whatever he wants like staying out for 36 hours on the weekend and not knowing where he is. Actually, this overly permissive type of parenting from his mother makes it almost impossible to reverse his aggressive and emotionally immature behavior. Both parents have to be on the same page for effectively guiding the child. If the child is given control then it puts a wedge between the parents.

    • shelly Lynn 12 3 years ago

      This is shelly lynn again. I posted not too long ago, and the most recent events led me to post again. I'm not going to get into it because it is too horrible. My daughter has almost exactly one more year before she turns 18 and I'm counting down the days. I told her that her life is going to change upside down because she will no longer be able to treat me the way she does because I can leave. Thankfully, my lease is up at the same time as her 18th birthday so I will be actually be able to pack my bags and leave. God, just saying that feels like so much freedom. I am going to throw my cell phone in the river and the journey will start will she will learn how to treat me if she wants me in her life. I am NOT going to be one of those parents who allow her to live with me after adulthood. No way Jose. I have been preparing her for this for years. I told her when she turns 18 , she no longer can depend on me. Whether she believes it or not, is another story, but at least I have warned her hundreds of times. It's going to be really life changing for her because she can no longer threaten me that she is going to call child services, the cops or anything. I will not have to be legal there for her anymore and that's going to flip her world upside down. No more calling me wherever I am and threaten to break everything in the house if I don't do as she says, because we will not be in the same home. Oh the freedom I look forward to and my new world. However, there is a BIG fear that something bad will happen between now and then. One year is an awfully long time and the older she is, the more powerful she is, so I don't believe that I am going to get out of this unscathed. I just pray nothing happens to her with all the bad decisions she makes. I am more worried about her than anything, but I am worried about myself as well. She is wreckless and I'm wondering if she is going to sink us both for good, meaning, I believe she is going to have me arrested somehow because she is such a good manipulator or she is going to be arrested, or both of us. The reason why I fear this is because we get into such BAD fights and the cops already warned if they have to come one more time, we are both going to jail. Do you think we can last another YEAR??? Haha, I don't think so, so I won't delude myself. How my heart breaks that I gave up everything for her and did the best that I can only to be thrown into jail while other parents get away with really not giving a crap about their children. I also have a slew of health problems, so I don't know how I would fair in jail. A part of me feels like it might be a vacation. Isn't that horrible that I could feel safer in jail? It all depends how the jail is. If it is a brutal jail, I will probably die because I can barely move because I have major nerve damage in my lower back. I don't take any pain mediciations because I don't like pain medications, so I'm ok in that regard, but if I am made to move too much, I will be in horrible pain that even powerful pain medications wouldn't help. I am sobbing as I write this that I even have to think this way. That it has gotten this bad. Not only do I fear jail, but when she turns 17, she is considered an adult in the state that I live in, however I can't boot her out. She can come and go as she pleases but I , being the parent, always have to let her back in, but if she wanted to, she can move out without any repercussions. I know she will take my car all the time and take even more money from me than she does now. I am so terrified.

      She punishes me like I am her child. Today she took my computer, phone and locked her room. She does this all the time and there is NO way for me to stop her because she is so much stronger than me. I can't tell you the anger that's inside of me and I tell her, one time she is going to push me to far and I'm not going to be able to think straight and not be able to stop myself. The only thing that's holding me back from beating her a**, because if I REALLY wanted to risk a brawl out fight with her, I would definitely go to jail because both of us would have very bad injuries and of course, I would be blamed and probably slandered all over the news. My daughter goes for blood when she fights. All of the kids in her high school are afraid of her because they know how well she can fight. She is one tough b*tch. She is a maniac and a psycho when she get's mad. There is one of her ex-friends who wishes to see her go down and the thought has cross my mind to go to that ex-friend of hers for help. How horrible is that? How low have I gone to actually think of seeking her enemies, that are teenagers mind you, for help? I was thinking of using them to testify that I am telling the truth about my daughter. The story between my daughter and her friend is this: they use to be friends, really good friends. Well, they got into a huge fight and my daughter told her she was coming after her. Well the friend knows that my daughter will cream her in a fight, so the ex friend texted me and said if I don't get my daughter to back down, she is going to go to the cops because she has proof of the threats. This ex friend of hers doesn't like to be put in that position of cowardice and has held that grudge against my daughter for a while now, so I know for a FACT, that if I contact her, she will be there for me in a second whichever way I need because she wants revenge on my daughter. Especially since she loves me as a second mom. But, and this is a big but, if I were to ever do something like that, my daughter would be hurt for life and she would NEVER forgive me and probably even kill me for doing something so utterly backstabbing in her eyes. I feel like telling her this is the point she has me to because I am so scared of her and desperately need protection. I have no one. But I would never do it. These are the thoughts that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I'm so sick, so , so sick. If nothing else happens, I will probably die of a stroke or heart attack. Thanks for listening.

    • shelly Lynn 12 3 years ago

      Shelly Lynn here again. One more thing I would like to add is that, my daughter is not a monster. I feel like I painted such a bad picture of her. When things are going good, they go great. I was far from a perfect mother. I made very, very bad mistakes and I know the way she is today is because of her upbringing. Her father also committed suicide which plays a huge role in her aggression. I always have to remind myself, that when she behaves this way, she knows not what she does. Teens really don't know, they are clueless, on how their behavior reeks so much havic, so I will always forgive my daughter in that regard. I just think sometimes, that two people are not meant to live together, even if they are parent and child. It's no ones fault, it just chemically happens that way sometimes. The point is, I KNOW , that I am the cause for a lot of her behavior, but I just wish that she knew, that I tried the best that I could have done under the circumstances I was in. I was a teen mom, with no support and the support I did have came with many strings attached and made life even worst sometimes. I wish she really knew that a lot of things that happened were out of my control and they hurt me as much as they hurt her. I cried for a over a decade because I could not give her the life I knew she deserved as a child. I just wish she knew, that even though I couldn't give much, I DID give her what I had. I never kept anything for myself. I gave her everything and always left myself with nothing. I was not one of those selfish parents, but, I do know, that is not enough in the end. A child needs a good loving, two parent home and a stable home. Not one single parent who has to move 30 times through out her life time. She needs help just as bad as I do. I know she feels so utterly lost and craves that fatherly attention that she will never get. I am older, I can see the bigger picture that she will not be able to see for at least another few decades, if ever. I have to keep in mind that I know better than she does. I just wish we had a break from each other. If she had somewhere to go, not foster home or a jail, we would be so much better off right now. I have no family that she could go to. We just need something to break this pattern, is it too late? Probably, but stupid me has hope. I just pray, above all else, that she doesn't damage her own life. This is what I am worried about and any mother f*cker who tries to harm her, lord help them. I will always lay my life on the line for her and seek revenge to anyone who dare tries to harm her. I wish nothing but the best and happiness for my daughter in her life because she has been through too much pain already. I just want our pain to end, and some happiness to enter our lives for god sake. Again, thanks for listening.

    • maggie 3 years ago

      I posted a few weeks back about my 14yr old daughter. 3 weeks ago

      I got a call at work from her. She drank bleach. She spent a week in lockdown at the hospital and I made the decision to have her put into foster care upon discharge. It was voluntary on my part. She and I have a long way to go. Today is a big day for her and I as we have a meeting with Social Services and Mental Health so we are all on the same page as far as visitation and duration of this arrangement. It was really not a difficult decision to make in regards to foster care. I had to do this or I'd probably be dead from the stress shortly. I am not kidding you either about the stress. She has been in care for a couple of weeks with a very nice lady who lives across town and its just her and my daughter. OF course my daughter wants to come home and she did come for a sleepover on Saturday but that will not be happening anytime soon as what I found was either of us have no reserve to deal with each others stress. I go from zero to a hundred inside with my stress, at the first sign of a dirty look or snooty remark or the demands she demands. My counsellor was quite shocked that this visit took place without any tools in place for either of us and this will be brought up at todays meeting. This is not going to be an easy day for my daughter as she thinks she is Alpha. So many messed up emotions on my part too with her suicide attempt. But I know that I made the right decision to not have her in the home with me at this time. I took a medical stress leave from my job over this situation as I am operating from my cortex part of my brain so

      I am basically operating in flight or fight mode and have to learn to relax to be able to let anything else in. I have post traumatic stress from this. IT has sucked the life right out of me. I too feel like I am being judged by some of the professionals out there that I wasn't consistent enough etc. I was told by one that my daughter and I lived more like roomates. I guess it did start to become like that as I was so depressed and beaten down by her that I just couldn't function as her mother. I am very grateful to have found this site. I am not alone and neither are any of you. I"ll post an update as we go more into this new normal. Take care

    • Yin 3 years ago

      Recently, when i wanted to call the police, SHE pulled the phone wire and the phone is damaged and wire broke. Vandalised of phone. Making it no way of communication for me to the outside world. Then how?

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 3 years ago from Southwest UK


      Internet, the same way you posted here after she trashed your phone.

    • PTSD mum 3 years ago

      Hello everyone and thank you for telling your stories. I feel less alone.


      Apart from physical violence to me personally, my 33 year old son has done all the things that you all write about and more for years and years and years.


      I've just had him at my house for Christmas. It was a sheer walking-on-eggshells-waking-nightmare. 2 months ago his girlfriend of 6 years threw him out because of his abuse to her.


      I don't usually join forums nowadays, nor do I contact any of the 'helping' organisations. I've been doing that since my son was 11 and threatened with expulsion from school and endlessly beating his younger brother up at home. ALL of these agencies have been beyond useless.


      But I signed up just now because I'm utterly bone weary exhausted - 25 years or more of abuse has got me. I know I'm beaten. (Yes, really I am). But I also know I've done my absolute best.


      A lone mum, I supported my abusive son to train and work at the career he wanted. Supported his business in all sorts of ways behind the scenes (because he couldn't manage it due to his vile temper with everyone). Now he's got so much expertise that he's just become a college teacher and teaching it all.


      Meanwhile, I also supported my younger son as much as I could through his education to a successful media career. I deliberately sent him to a different school so that he wouldn't be blighted by his big brother's appalling record at school. Now, my younger son, who was a joy to bring up, has been distancing himself from his brother - and me. Almost like I'm tainted or to blame - and he doesn't seem to want anything much to do with me.


      The interesting thing is that my younger son has recently become a police officer. He tells me that he is seriously interested in stopping anti-social behaviour and domestic abuse. He told me he was called to a house a few weeks ago where a young lad had kicked his mum and wrecked some furniture, he took the lad aside and gave him a good talking to. So, as an aside, I can say that there is definitely one police officer in the UK who actually DOES know how dreadful abuse by children towards their families is like and IS trying to do something about it.


      I divorced their dad when they were young. He has a very well hidden gambling addiction and all the lies and lack of money was destroying our family and actually putting us at risk - of homelessness, hunger and so on (when I was pregnant with my younger son, my mother fed me and my older son because my then husband was literally unable to give me any money). He has just been a parasite on his parents ever since - a very bright and personable guy, everybody likes him, but nonetheless, close up he's a passive aggressive parasite.


      I write about my sons' father because he never ever supported me bringing up the boys. No maintenance, no car to pick them up and take them anywhere, full of promises to the boys which rarely materialised, and full of immature passive aggression towards me which I am sure he channelled through my older son.


      It was me who worked myself ragged buying a house for the 3 of us, putting food on the table, clothing, schools, holidays, activities etc etc. When they grew older, it was always me who sorted out careers, helped with their assignments, funded and supported so much of their college/uni days etc.


      Yet my sons take their absent dad on fancy holidays - Las Vegas (yes, feeding the devil...) last year, just recently the Caribbean. Whilst I am seriously struggling financially - I had a stroke, lost my career, and then was stalked (disability hate crime that the local police have done nothing to stop) for years by an ex-employee. I'm not exactly homeless at the moment, but soon I shall be. I have post traumatic stress disorder.

      My abusive son started his abuse in earnest the day after I came out of hospital from the stroke. To the extent that someone called the police - who did nothing of course.


      Trying to get decent, understanding support and treatment for PTSD and all the other issues I'm battling is impossible. I'm sure many here know how bizarre and useless UK public services are . They only seem to leap into action if there is child abuse or a homicide involved (or you're rich and famous).


      So, I've been round and round all the 'helping' agencies time after time over many years now. I know it's fruitless to do it again.


      I think part of my point is this: the abuse of my older son has been a massive blight on my life, he took up all my leftover time and energy. What I can say now is that I should have sent him to his dad as soon as the abusive behaviour began - even though I knew that his dad would not support him to get through school and into a good career, and I knew that my son would have ended up in jail (he does have a conviction for domestic violence towards a previous g/f). So if anyone's reading with a teenage abuser son, please think of your own health and happiness before his - much as you love him deeply.


      My younger son has done something positive with his horrid experiences of his brother. But still he politely doesn't really want to know me or acknowledge how much I did for him. I visited him a few weeks ago - he has lots of photos of our cat, his dad and grandparents around the house, but not one of me...and, you know, he didn't ask me once 'How are you Mum?' or ask anything about my life when he knows that my circumstances are very precarious. Nothing. So I took the cue and said very little. I also found out he was taking his parasitical father on ANOTHER foreign holiday. I'm not sure I can describe my feelings of being totally wiped out of his world.


      But all this IS the result of sticking by and endlessly bailing out a terribly abusive son who as an adult has just gone on to abuse every woman and some men, if he can get away with it, yet is living the high life.


      As I said, I feel beyond exhausted now. I've done better than my best. Yet it's still not enough - for my sons or for our society which just leaves us to be abused day in day out, year after year - and then adds abuse of its own on top . (Don't anyone tell me that we're not a sexist society!)


      I am in my 50s only but I know that my life is over.

    • sunflower456 3 years ago

      Sunflower again here. Today my daughter attacked me again. It was horrible. She also found my tape recorder , the tape recorder that I have all of her recordings of abuse on, and smashed into the ground in pieces and laughed her evil laugh at me. I can't believe she found it. Now all of the proof that I have of her threatening to kill me, telling me she is going to beat my a**, slit my throat, all the proof of her saying that to me , is all gone. At this point, I think I am leaving and face whatever consequences I have to face. She is 17 and there is no way I can put up with this kind of abuse for one more year. I hate to say it, but my daughter is psychotic, no really, she is....... and she treats me like my ex-abusive husband treated me down to the tee. If I don't do something the way she wants me to do it, she will destroy me and house and she will and she has. I love her so much, and I never thought that my beautiful baby girl would ever have pushed me to the point of not wanting anything to do with her and not caring. Despite all the punching, kicking, yelling, screaming and putting me down like you wouldn't believe, I still tried to treat her nice because it made me happy to do things for her and I thought this was a phase. But it's not. She made it real clear what I mean to her. After she said she was going to slit my throat today and promised me that my death is inimate, then I feel that it's time for me to go. Even if she doesn't mean it, how can you possibly stay with someone who says those kind of things to you? How? However, I do think she means it, and I AM afraid for my life. This is how bad it has gotten. I am thinking of leaving tomorrow, leaving everything behind. I am not going to take anything. I am just going to let it all go and let the chips fall where they may fall. I will get rid of my cell phone and no one can reach me.

    • pigletsfriend 3 years ago

      i am having lots of trouble with my 14 year old. i am at the end of my tether last time i got hurt i had to push her away from me and later had to go to hospital but because i brused her a little i have to suffer. i have to go for further tests as to where i was hurt. but soical services say it is too expence to sent her to care. i no my rights but seem like i have non. i have had a verble sorrys but now i have a written one but i am so scared it is unblliveable i can be scard of my ex husband but not of my daugher. before i got her she took a knife to my mum and threatened her as she was sayning she wanted to harm herself that is my daugher she hurt my mum with intent but the problem is even though the police was invoved no statment was took only from me and i asked if she could go inot care. problem is the big problem they sent her back as she wanted to come back all nice as pie till she was home it all started again. i ahve aspergers myself and a younger son at home who is very quite i can not imagen what it is doing to him as i think he as asbergers too. i do not no my rights but i would ahve perfered in a meeting where i thought they would accomadate her all that was there was a socail worker and her mangager and me and my daugher i had no support and they ittmatated or the word muliplated me to to keep her at home. today the family worker came by took her out she as amited a lot in a little sorry note. but i no deep down she needs more help than i can give her i feel the soical workers are putting not just my son at risk but my elderly mum too and of cause me no one cares about im her mum and i should no what i am suppose to do. but do not no. help me some one i wish. the list above these coments there are all but one that she does what do i do anyone got any where with this yet?

    • Sheila Latona profile image

      Sheila Latona 2 years ago

      I am so thankful I found this site. I was the primary caregiver to my (now) 15 year old son, and my 13 year old daughter. Both of whom have abused their rights, and privileges.

      I began being a stay at home mom, in 2002. After another corporate lay off, and the husband told me not to go back to work. To stay at home. I wanted to go back to school. He refused to allow it. Money got tight on 2004, and he demanded I get a job. I did, albeit part-time I was bringing some money into the house.

      However, I did everything. The cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving both kids back and forth everywhere. If one was sick, it was me who left work to take care of them. The husband refused to leave work.

      Plus, not being allowed any part of the household finances I took it with a grain of salt and enjoyed spending as much time as I had with my babies!

      Fast forward, to 2006 the husband forces us to move to Georgia, after I fought and fought not wanting to go. I had no choice, with not having any money I smiled, and supported him and off to Georgia we went.

      After we moved, the husband put his all into his job. 100%. He pretty much ignored me, and both kids. So, the 3 of us got very, very close.

      Although the kids and I were close, I became complacent with the way they grew to talk to me, and treat me, and ignore me. Just like the husband.

      In 2012, I not only separated myself from him, in the house - I filed for divorce in 2013. He refused to leave and I had no where to go. And he held onto the household finance tight.

      He began abusing himself, and in late October 2013 he punched himself in the face, and had me arrested for it.

      I was forced from the marital home, and was immediately homeless and broke. He refused to even allow me my daily medicines from the house.

      In mid October, after asking the husband for gas money - he violated standing orders of the divorce - my son told me to STFU and I backhanded him in the mouth. Nothing hard, or even worthy of an OMG. Just a quick flick to the mouth. He then threw me to the floor. Not once, but 3 times. He swore at me and dared me to hit him again. All along the husband stood there smiling.

      Now, that I have been out of the house - I have been devastated to be torn from my kids. Yet, whenever I talk to them on the phone, or via text - all I get are attitudes and I am so tired of it.

      I have shoved my foot in my mouth and said I wished I never had them. And the more they act like total brats, the more I resent them.

      I hate what the husband has done to this family, and I hate that having raised such bright kids - I not only allowed this abusive behavior from them both, but was used to it from the husband.

      Neither child of mine, believes that they have been a part in the abuse of their mother, all they hear is me "bashing him", and they speak foully to me and hang up.

      I would love nothing more than for them to WAKE UP and see why they are acting the way they are - it is not only MY fault for allowing it, but mostly their dad's for instilling that behavior toward me in their heads.

      I honestly do not know what to do. I fell horrible and people look at me like I am nuts when I say - I am not seeking custody. I don't want my kids back.

      This impasse is one I just don't know how to overcome.

    • Bright star 2 years ago

      Thought I was alone with a what my 15 year old son is putting me through,, not sure what to do next,,,,reading all that articles show me that am not alone!!!! My son has always been such a loving boy to me an his younger sister however things have defo changed!!! Feel like am walkin on egg shells in my own home,,,ave had family helping however he still done what he liked so he is back home. He's doing what he likes got no control over him atol from shouting at me, kicking doors,from sayin he doesn't want to stay with me no more punching doors, running out of the house, not coming in when he's told, not going to school, stealing from me,staying out all night the list goes on....ave tried so hard to come an go with him but this is getting right of control!!! its his rules ave went an spoke with school an he turns it all on me!!! Been to doctors with him about anger still things are getting worse by the day also worried how this is going to affect my 7year old daughter!!!! Am at my wits ends with him

    • Rosie Rogers 2 years ago

      I too have a desperate situation which has escalated over the years. Too much to write here but an echo of violence, humiliation and control. I feel that there have been a number of failings in the childhood of my son, but the natural biological needs he has, have been overshadowed by the learnt behaviour in the absence of a diagnosis. A boy who used to be a concern because no-one understood him, has become a villainous, controlling and drug dependent stranger. I wrote this for him recently.

      Dear Son

      Standing over you I forget the pain,

      The sleepless night and the troublesome birth

      You are the light at the end of a maternal tunnel,

      Providing the experience of purpose and worth.

      You don’t want to sleep and you cry for me,

      Holding you is such an abundant joy

      You are special and you crave attention

      Typical of my curious baby boy

      Sitting with you, I see your potential,

      A child before me with so much to give

      You are only 5, and a lively character

      You add to my reasons of wanting to live.

      Times are hard and we are all alone,

      Your sister, yourself and I,

      There is also a leech sucking our blood

      Oh to live in the land of being high.

      I represent you to the powers at be

      I tell them how unique and special you are.

      You will need support to make it through

      I can see you have strengths and the potential to go far.

      They cannot hear me, or so it seems

      They nod, and they murmur, and agree with me

      But you are not special enough for them

      It will take you, my 11 year old, to make them see.

      I stand beside you, and fight your case,

      I know it was not meant and you love me.

      The legal system agrees that you should be punished

      Reporting you will hopefully set you free.

      At 14 you make mistakes, a teacher a punch,

      Your mum a slap, your friends are gone

      Now they see it, that special boy

      I have called for help 9 years long.

      I look at people who have experienced my boy,

      School after school and call after call.

      They are all sitting up now listening to me

      Far too late for you, as you have taken the fall.

      Today I clear out the drug packets and bits

      That make you feel like a 16 year old king

      Gone is the boy, I cradled to sleep

      But I know you are there, just with a poisonous sting

      Standing over you, I forget all the pain

      The sleepless nights and troublesome life.

      You are at the end of a very dark tunnel

      Far away from the daily chores and strife

      6 feet down, you are finding your peace

      A place you looked at for so many years

      We are all alone, just the girls and I

      Facing up to the evil of life and my dreaded fears.

      You were so young but I am saying goodbye

      To a child who fell through the net

      ADHD with a late diagnosis

      And my heart heavy with many regrets.

      I have predicted the end, because you won’t help yourself

      To get out of this terrible mess

      You have chosen a life that I do not understand

      And are falling at life’s every test.

      So with a full heavy heart I ask you again

      To turn, hold on and be free

      Grasp onto everything that you are blessed with

      And travel the rest of this journey with me.

      Love Always

      Your Mother

    • Jenny 2 years ago

      husband and are living nightmare

      My husband adopted baby boy almost 13 years ago

      child has been abusive since small child been removed from sevrel after school programs since he was 5

      praents were told

      This is worst day of teaching in 25 years with your son never have I experienced worst first day of kindergarten in my life


      13 police are called he runs away threatens to kill himself us others when he does not get his way

      Sneaky lies acts stupid when police comes saying

      I'm adopted I take meds I'm in special school for violent kids I have AD yes I abuise my stepmother why I'm mad then I'm okay after I abuse

      enrolled him in scared straight not once but twice he does not care

      our life's are like we are prisoners family / friends stay


      Police say do comment do comment lol it's joke

      Dog/cat has more wrights than us


      What do families do suffer till he is 18 kick him out

      Indeed never allow him back in your home again

      But we suffer in silence why in usa we have No rights abusiver has more rights indeed power than us


      In life all my husband ever wanted was to be father

      Father who lives with devil sad to say indeed I'm sure millions just like us no hope just fear indeed we are growing old quickly due to living nightmare

    • Ganesh prasad 2 years ago

      good hub

    • Millie 2 years ago

      Hello, I wrote on here 5 months ago, my comments are still showing. I feel I have to write an update - with relief - and maybe this will help others currently going through what I went through with my now 17 year old son. After a year of physical and emotional abuse towards me from my 16 year old son at the time, he was 17 last September mine and my younger son age 10 life at home is so much more calmer.

      My older son voluntary stopped attending mental health help through CAMHS, this prompted CAMHS to contact me to advise me they were closing his file, I cried as I explained I couldn't cope anymore at home and I was so frightened of my older son, CAMHS put me in touch with a programme called Family Justice Centre based in Croydon, they help people who are currently going through domestic violence and it doesn't have to involve a partner, my domestic violence towards me was form my son. I telephoned them and made an appointment, when I saw them there was a solicitor offering free advice, a counsellor, a local police officer, whe I started telling them everything that had been happening (please read my story posted here around 5 months ago) it was very upsettind but such a relief. With 2 weeks the police came and fitted a panic alarm in my flat with rapid response to the nearest police patrol car if I ever activated it. This immediately stopped my son in his tracks and the violence stopped, he was still coming and going as he pleased and smoking cannabis but the threats and violence stopped. It was too late for my son though, the family justice department with my permission and with the help of a centre called Turnaround started making arrangements for Ben to be removed from the family home. I decided to advise Ben this was what was going to happen, he cried and cried and begged me not to let this happen, saying he wouldn't cope and I didn't love him anymore, I do love him but its called tough love. One night I was telephoned at 11pm advising me a place had been found for Ben to live in a behaviour unit called Stop 24 for 3 months. The next morning I advised Ben he was leaving today and to pack his clothes, it was very upsetting for myself as well as Ben but he accepted it, I think he realised this was the end, he packed his clothes, I put fresh bedding on his duvet and pillow which he had to take with him, brought him some toiletries and food and drove him to the unit. I wasn't allowed to go in so Ben went in himself, he was very brave and I waited outside in my car crying. He eventually came out and said he had been shown his room which has a bed, wardrobe, fridge and set of drawers, he took his clothing, bedding and food and went into the unit and I drove home. In the past month since Ben has been there I have seen him 3 times, he is allowed to go to college which he goes to 3 days a week and he still goes to his Saturday Job, he has curfews to follow which is to be in by 11pm every night and if he breaks this he is looked for by the police and could lose his place at the unit, there are no visitors allowed not me or his girlfriend and he is allocated a support worker. It has 24 hour security and has CCTV everywhere except the bathrooms, they do random drug tests, apply for benefits for them and teach them to budget on there benefit money by advising what food to buy and also how to cook it, they inspect there bedroom for tidiness and are not allowed to be fighting, swearing or squaring up to security or anyone in the unit. Myself and Ben are very lucky to have this place as it only has 13 beds and is a mixture of teenage boys and girls up to the age of 17. I was given priority due to the dangerous behaviour Ben was showing at home to myself and my younger son age 10. Once you are 18 there is no such place or help basically you can throw your child out of your home. Whilst at this unit Ben has counselling and we are both attending family therapy, it is my life safer, I no longer feel guilty that I agreed for Ben to be put in this unit and that is because even though I have only seen Ben briefly 3 times in the last 4 weeks I have already seen changes in him already, he genuinely has missed his younger bother and myself, he has come for dinner and we have all sat and eaten together as a family which never used to happen, he has spoken about when his 3 months come to an end at the unit and he is hoping they will either let him come home with my permission or he is allocated a shared home with similar teenage boys who are still looked after but with no curfews and rules, he knows if he breaks the rules at the unit or later on at the shared home he will be put into foster care till he is 18 then he could be made homeless. Ben realises he needs to change before it is too late, he is also currently being offered anger management sessions. I miss my son so much but my home life for me and especially my younger son age 10 is so much calmer, my younger son can have his friends round to play now and I can have friends round for dinner without worrying about Ben or constantly having holes in the walls from where Ben has damaged my home. When I last saw my son Ben a week ago he said to me - mum I know what you mean when you say it was tough love and I do love you and I know you love me. I just had to write this to maybe offer help to other people, google the family justice centre or the turnaround centre and see if you have this type of help where you live. My son is counselled, looked after, disciplined and being taught life skills in order to be able to survive and realise there are boundaries in all our lifes. I love my son Ben very much.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 2 years ago from Southwest UK


      This is such good news and evidence that things ARE changing.

      The way we view abuse against a parent by a child is being taken very seriously nowadays, but units like the one your son is in, are still very rare, and the bed places they fund are still oversubscribed.

      Your words are an inspiration to others and proof that there is help out there, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that there is a way through this where you still have a relationship with the child you still love.

      Everyone can get through this with support. Its tough love, but its still love and it works if you have all of the right kinds of support and help.

      Take my love with you for yourself and your son xxxx

      Lou :)

    • Millie 2 years ago

      Hi Lou

      Thank you for your reply to my comments yesterday, over the last month I feel so much more stronger and positive.

      You are right in saying the help Ben is receiving is not available everywhere, the help needs to be made available all over the country. I hope my story will give some people help where they can maybe google CAMHS - just in case anyone doesn't know but this stand for Child, Adolescent Mental Health Services, I believe this is a service available in most parts of the country, I think this would be the first step towards getting help for your child, the only problem with this is your child has too be willing to attend (my son Ben stopped going eventually) but over the few times he did attend they were able to assess him for ADHD, Schizphrena (incorrect spelling sorry) depression etc or just plain defiant. I am not sure but the Turnaround centre may be in other parts of the country as well, the police should be called everytime the teenager abuses or is violent towards there parent, they should then be able to advise what help is available in your local area. I am afraid you have to push the police for this information all the time as when I dealt with them in the very beginning I was under the impression they couldn't be bothered but if you keep calling them when something happens and keep pushing them for information as too where you can get help they can advise you numbers of local services. I am not against the police but after being married to one and hearing what he says about the calls they attend most of the time they cannot be bothered with the paperwork but call the police all the time and they should give you a CAD number so diarise this number and keep a log of what has happened. Good luck everybody, I don't think my problems are entirely over with my son but things are better and I am here with anyone would like any advice :0)

    • MKootenay 2 years ago

      I wish I would have read your article a long time ago. I've been emotionally abused by my daughter since she was 16. She 's now 31 and still abusing me and withholding me from my 1 year old grandson. She was born with something nasty about her. For example, when she was in her stroller, little old ladies would come by and try to tickle or caress her. She would grab hold of their fingers and squeeze until her face was red. Another time, when she was a toddler, she used to grind her heel into my foot and when I looked down, she had an expression of wicked pleasure. When she was a teen, she was so terribly out of control. I sough professional help. I did everything, tried everything. Then I had social services take over and place her in a foster home. I enrolled her in a school for troubled teen girls. I saved her from a life of drugs, alcohol and yes, even prostitution. Now, all I get from her is disrespect. She blames me for not parenting her properly. I am keeping track of her communications with me, mostly electronic, thank heavens. I am considering closing off this relationship, this time permanently. It is too painful to keep trying to heal a damaged relationship with a highly toxic, rude, disrespectful and angry person. Blood relation aside, my health is too important to me (I'm a breast cancer survivor).

    • Ted 2 years ago

      My husband and I are living in hell of our child who has been difficult since he was born and violent since he could crawl but only ever in the home. He is 14 now and sometimes I'm afraid for my life. I live in Australia and have tried to access help but there is nothing. Even worse my child who is in the top class at school has accused my husband of hurting him as manipulation when he was in a conversation he did not like and she was an idiot abs tried to tell us my husband had to leave the home. At $500 a session all out of our pocket and us coming to her I can't believe she spent 5 minutes with my son and believed that. He is a liar and tries to make us feel crazy. He smashes our home up and hits both of us but ESP me punching biting slapping holding against tables and wall and tearing my clothes off and tells me I made him do it. When he hurls his own property ie laptop across room and breaks it he demands me to buy him a new one the next day as I made him throw it. I rarely shout or raise my voice I cry a lot I'm on antidepressants and I hope a car knocks me down soon as I am dealing with. 20-30 tantrums per day. The police told me two years ago not to bother calling back unless I am prepared to schedule him. The paediatrition told me never schedule your child and when I told the paed he held a knife to my throat he responded by saying he will grow out of it and next time you come bring his school report as he's fascinated by my sons academics I hate my life so much the other day be totally smashed his room up when asked to have a shower. Today he punched me with a closed fist after I asked him to stop playing the computer after right hours on it. Happy days. Wish I was dead.

    • margey 2 years ago

      Hi Ted

      I am shocked and appalled at the treatment you are experiencing from your son, and so sad to hear the way you have been treated by professionals when you have sought help.

      You may not be aware that there are now some specialist services in Australia for parents who are being abused by their children. Some of these have been around a while and others are quite new. Obviously Australia is a big place but I hope you will be able to find something near to where you live. There are some people who may be able to advise you regarding services who have just started a website which you could try to contact. The address is avith dot com dot au

      I hope you find help soon.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 2 years ago from Southwest UK

      Thank you Margey, thats some very useful info, and I have posted the link up in the facebook group.

    • karyn 2 years ago

      I am not in the UK however there is only a small difference in the laws. In the States (depending on what state you are in) you are responsible for your child until he/she is 18. Child protective services only protect the child even if the child has a history of criminal behavior. You will pay financially for his/her abuse and crimes until they are 18. They will not remove the child from the home if they assault you. They will put them in detention for a time period and or residential treatment which you have to pay for. So as I and many others we keep quiet about the abuse because the states will just fine you until you are broke.

    • Lori 2 years ago

      My son is on probation and has broken every condition of probation. He has a court date in 3 weeks where he will be going to the training school. He ran away from home on March 8 and I was advised to file a missing persons report. I did that and when the police brought him back home, he just left again. Then 2 days later he was arrested for shoplifting. Because it happened in a different state the police let him come home and he left again. He then got into a physical fight with another kid and then threatened to harm this kid further.

      I got him admitted to the hospital as a danger to others and now he is being sent back home in a few days. He will continue the abuse, the dangerous acts in the community and the police say that there is nothing they can do until his court date. What kind of justice is that? Hopefully he will not be charged with a more serious crime in the meantime.

      We told the police we fear him coming home and we have a daughter to consider - but nope, return him to the home anyway. I just do not understand how the law works. Parents crying out for help and there is nothing there to help them.

    • sunflower456 2 years ago

      Hi guys, this is Shelly Lynn and Sunflower. I use both names on the web and forgotten that I used shelly lynn on this one and accidentally posted under Sunflower. So just to clear the confusion, Shelly Lynn and Sunflower are the same person, which is me.

      Anyway, 9 more months until she is 18. This past three months have gone by pretty quickly, hopefully the rest of the 9 months go by just as fast. I love my daughter to pieces, despite what she has done, and I want to be clear that I am only looking forward to her being legal as to relieve the burdens of her choices off of myself. I will always love her and protect her the best I can, but our relationship will get better when she realizes that she can't treat me like she has done for so long. It depresses the hell out of me that since she was 12 and a half, it has been nothing but a pure nightmare and there have been things done and said that I don't think many could ever recover from. I guess she will learn the hard way when she finally realizes that mommy is not playing about this one. She constantly tells me I talk shit and that I will never follow through with anything because I never do, and she might be right about that, but I promise you, she is not right about this one. She really thinks I'm not going to move and I feel sad for her because for once, she will have to face some true harsh realities. I am just so thankful that my lease is up here around the same time as her 18th birthday. I am already selling everything I can so I don't have much to take with me. I honestly don't know what she's going to do, but I have to break this cycle and move away for a few years and let her know the harsh realities of life. She can not continue to live with me and bully me like I am a piece of shit. Nine more months, nine more months. I just hope I am brave enough to follow through with what I am saying. It will be the hardest thing in the world to let her fall so hard, especially when I know she has serious mental problems , but to be down right defiant and tell me all the things she tells me and calls me, she deserves it, at least for a little while.

    • loris 2 years ago

      I have a 17 year old daughter.

      She is a high honor student(she is being offered academic scholarships for college), a talented musician(sings and plays several instruments, opportunities and scholarships are also being offered due to her musical talent), excels at sports, has a large and nice group of friends, holds a part time job (where she was recently promoted for exemplary work) , is respected by her teachers/employer/friends and by other parents. She is compassionate and caring to her friends and others. I often hear "If only we had more students/employees like her" or "You are so blessed to have a daughter like her". In all the above ways, I am proud of her and for what she is capable of.

      The fact that she is so bright, well-rounded and respected by everyone else makes my reality even harder to understand and to live with...because she has been abusive to me since she was young. She frequently verbally belittles, insults and humiliates me. Until recently, she would push, shove, hit, pinch and scratch me...I often had bruises, cuts, scratches and often hid them so no one else would know. My abuser is my daughter.

      I left my marriage to her father, who was emotionally and physically abusive towards me, when she was four. I wanted to save not only myself, but her as well, from the lasting effects abuse. Now, I see that, whether from nature or nurture...she was effected. As I continue to be.

      Who would suspect that this bright, funny, outgoing, well-respected beautiful girl would be abusive? This girl who can be the most wonderful company, who can be so affectionate and caring to me? This daughter who I love so deeply? Yet, she does.

      A few years ago, when she was a young teen the physical abuse became intolerable. I was rarely without cuts and bruises. She broke my nose. I have scars. After a long time of strict consequences each time she "stepped over the line" physically, it lessened. It was very difficult, as she fought against those consequences and it took almost two years for any positive change to come. But, the physical has now gone from almost daily, to very rarely. So, still more work to do. Unfortunately, she has increased the emotional and verbal abuse, which leave wounds just as deep. I am trying to be consistent with strict consequences for the emotional and verbal abuse, and I hope that they lessen, as well. It is absolutely exhausting.

      I sought help for myself through counseling, several years ago. Once confident, strong and almost fearless in my approach to life and to my successful strength has been eroded over time, and I often struggle to find balance between maintaining a positive outlook, with the sometimes hard realities of my personal life. I had thought that ending my marriage would also end the isolation of being in an abusive relationship, yet I find that I now isolate to keep my personal life with my daughter, at a distance from others. Many years of being in abusive relationships, have taken their toll on me, in spite of my best attempts to limit or escape their grasp.

      People often say that they cannot understand why a person in an abusive relationship, stays. Thankfully, for those who find themselves in an abusive marriage, or relationship there is the possibility of getting out if it, and of rebuilding life. Yet, when the abuser is your child...solving it gets so much more complicated. As a parent, our bond with our children is life-long. Leaving the parent-child relationship is often something that is not an option that we want to ever take, so we try to end abusive behavior while keeping the relationship. Very, very hard.

      I'm still trying to keep that relationship, while ending her very destructive behaviors. She refuses counseling, so I am left to try to change her behaviors, myself. It is a big responsibility, because as her parent...I want her to be a decent, caring, responsible adult. She obviously has the ability to become a very good adult, but the fact that she has a part of her so easily able to abuse, and that she limits that abuse to one person so close to her...concerns me greatly. It is what motivates me to keep going with her, to keep being consistent even when she is intolerable. Because I know that this is bigger than me. All of her life she has directed this kind of abusive behavior at only one person. Me. I desperately want to help her to understand,control it and end it...because there will come a time when I am not there to focus anger on, and what I do now may prevent her from ever focusing it on someone else who is near and dear to her.

    • Invisibleandnumb 2 years ago

      I too am in the same shoes as loris .......... at times ending my life has crossed my mind, more times then not, but somehow I keep going. I wish my 16 year old son would know just how much I hurt when he abuses me. I have bruises all over my legs,sides and feet from the outburst he pulled this morning. My husband has totally checked out of reality because he too suffers like i do. I wonder what the heck we have done to deserve this everyday but my heart cant take much more.

    • BH 2 years ago

      My 14 year old stepson had a violent meltdown a few years ago and intimidated me when I was looking after my two younger children which resulted in me pushing him in self defence. He was bigger than me and not hurt but he invented 'injuries' and reported me to social services who believed him without even asking what really happened. Since then he feels he has the power, which he does and he verbally abuses and intimidates and disrespects me and knows that there is nothing I can do about it. This is so wrong and it has caused me so much stress.

    • LLynn rayborn 2 years ago

      My my son callme abitch and mydaughter we need to get away my husband do not care about us.

    • sunflower456 2 years ago

      Loris, it doesn't matter how great she is to other people, how much she has achieved , how talented she is and how much other people love her. If they knew what she was doing to you, it would be much different. The worst criminals in prison look down on those who disrespect and god for bid hit their mother. In prison, you are not allowed to say one disrespectful thing about your mother and please don't let them find out that you hit your own mother. To me it sounds like your daughter is old enough and is out on her own. She should be throughly ashamed and disgusted with herself that she has treated you in such awful ways. What kind of person and coward are you to abuse your own mother? I don't care what your mother did, I don't care if she is a drug addicted, neglectful, nasty prostitute, you NEVER put your hands on your mother even if you THINK she deserves it, because it will ALWAYS make YOU look bad. Loris, you need to cut the cord and detach yourself from your daughter. You are not here on this earth to be someones punching bag and i promise you that you have nothing to worry about if she decides to take her anger out on someone else, because she knows better that no one will take her shit.

    • Dawn 2 years ago

      I have two young adult daughters ages 20 and 21. They have abused me physically, verbally and psychologically since they were around 9 or 10 years old. Their dad, my ex-husband has taught them to do so and psychologically manipulates them to disrespect and cyberbully me. The oddest thing of all is that I left him for abusing me and the kids (multiple arrests for) 10 years ago, while he was also having multiple sexual affairs. the law would not allow me to take my own children out of that home for their safety until his 3rd arrest for choking his 12 year old daughter. He has not paid child support since...moved in with the last affair while she kicked her husband out. He has not had to work a day since although does massages and does not report it to the IRS. i have worked 2 part-time jobs to raise these girls with rent, food and necessities all the past 10 years. Yet my girls continue to cyberbully me with instigation their dad, his family and anyone else they can convince..They are angry for moving them from an upper middle class lifestyle to poverty.

    • A friend trying to help 2 years ago

      I am a nurse. I am so appauled that here is NO HELP!! For these parents. My best friend and her husband have an 8yr old who is abusing them. Has been for yrs it has become worse. The child had a program where social owrkers came to the house 2hrs after school for 6 months, he is now in a program after school for children with behavioral problems, seeing a therapist one on one and in group settings. He has pulled knives, broke numerous items in the house, punched the 3 yr old in stomach, I can go on and on about this. I have seen it. He is smart, manipulative, cunning, pathaological liar, good grades, funny, nice when he chooses. The parents are trying desparately to get help. After, today OUR MEDICAL PSYCH is a joke to him. Twice now he has had the police arrive once at a school play activity with social workers and therapists, and at their home. The parents have followed protocol and called CRISIS, once these people told the parents it would take 45 min to get there another time the parents call did not get dispatched because it was over looked.The hospital when he arrives sees he is no longer a threat to himself or others at the time he arrives keeps the parents there for hours even after the child has threatened to kill his mom and dad. Threatens to kill himself, he dug his fingernails into his own skin clawed from ankle to knee in front of a PA, AND THE MEDICAL PROFESSIONIALS released him. They also, then pointed the finger at the parents. REALLY. We live in an area where there was a school shooting, but it HAS to be the PARENTS FAULT, RIGHT. If I said I was going to take my own life or someone elses IMMEDIATELY I would be put under a 72hr hold, but not a child!! What is wrong!! When I say NO ONE I mean NO ONE!! The family doc, the pediatrication, the psych. doc, the program therapist or what ever they are JUST glorified social worker babysitters, and the hospital, will help them. This child can be so, so good when he wants to be then a monster the next, and this has been going on since he was at least 2-3 yrs old. At 5 he accidently hit the family puppy with a plastic baseball bat, which caused head injury and blindness the dog only lived to be 3 some how had internal bleeding when they put her down. This child does not live in an abusive home, they are not poor, they get more than most, they do not eat junk, dad works, mom stays at home they have family problems, who doesn't, they have a large loving extended family, he plays baseball, and etc. This child takes most of the agrression out on mom, very possesive of her, jeaslous of dad, mean to a sister 10 and 3 too. She told the therapist today, "when is someone going to help us when this child kills or severly hurts us(parents), my other two children, someone else, or himself. Then you'll blame me." What can she do that she is not already doing? How can she get this child removed from the house? How can I find more info? I'm affraid of this child.

    • Chyrysanth 2 years ago

      Interesting webpage and thank you LouPurple, its what I needed to read.

    • anna 2 years ago

      My life in a nutshell!

    • april j r 2 years ago

      I know exactly what the poster above "dawn" means about the husband teaching the kids to do the behaviors. Mine constantly undermines literally everything. I don't want my young son watching violence and movies filled w/ stuff about sex, b/c he's YOUNG and not ready for that stuff, but even that, when I have his best interest, he says things like "oh well I guess we can't watch that" which has taught my son that he dosen't have to listen to anything I say, because I'm just the lady that trys to take everyones fun away. I have never seen a post like this, and it's good to know I'm not the only person, and that I'm not crazy. I've read so many books, tried it all, but I am now at the point where I feel like walking away. I can't live my life being put down and verbally assaulted every minute of every day. Not one move my son makes is easy. I mean NOTHING! From eating, getting dress, you name it, he fights about it. I wouldn't have EVER even thought I could actually think about leaving them both, but I literally don't feel like I can take any more abuse from my son OR his father. I feel like saying "you can have custody, I'll take the visitation". But then I cringe b/c I'm even thinking that! Thanks for the website, the post, I am more grateful than you know just to know this is not just me thinking I'm crazy! (though I do feel like it alot lately, lol)

    • sharon 19 2 years ago

      my eldest child is 32 and she spent age 13 to 17 when she left the home abusing me physically mentally, stealing and destroying property.

      my other daughters are 25 and 31 the elder became mentally tormenting for a number of years it stopped once she left home but she has been back a year with her son at the same time as i became ill, lost my business and i am now having to sell my home. i add the 31 year old is a very senior teacher and has a 3 year old son and both live with me. she attacks me mentally and destructively (usually as a backlash of her mood and emotional state at the time). she refuses to clean their rooms and bathroom i am trying to sell home so have to clear myself. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE i have nothing to live for apart from abuse on Saturday she verbally abused and behaved so awfully that when i said i didn't want to be here any more as my life was just her constant abuse!( i am currently suffering a chest, sinus infection on top of emphysema and autonomic failure - so I'm pretty ill) she then taunted and taunted me 'to take some tablets go on go" until i took a very large overdose of sleepers painkillers even found some peth adine. she and her younger sister (age 25) just shut my bedroom door and left me ….sadly i came to0 36 hours later and spent the next 24 hours unable to get up eventually i was able to get phone off my dresser to call doctor who came out, both girls had gone to work. she is aware of bullying but has no suggestion. I have no family alive and friends went when my business went also illness has made me go from active and vibrant to exhausted. the you gist suffers mood swings and when she is low she bullies me verbally and psychologically.

      Im not a pathetic victim, i was strong, dynamic and well respected in the business world now….

    • emmaiexx 2 years ago


      please help point me in rightdirection i have 2 abusive teenage girls and 2 young boys,everyday ishell and has been now for lastsevereal years the youngest use to attack me but i got to point where i cracked up and sent her to live with her dad hes now had enough and sent her back and now refuses to see her,so now i have them both on atme a normal dayconsits of me being hounded shouted at sworn at cslled horrible names im at the point where if it wasnt for my sons id havekilled myself if i even buy a pack of fags for myself i get abused because i didnt

      give the cash to my child to buy drugs social services dont give a toss and im scared to let them know just how bad my life is incase they remove my sons from the situation which is probaly what needs to be done because its not fair on them to witness the constant screaming and swearing, i am scared i am going to lose it and really hurt my girls and i dont want to i love them therte my babies one is 15 one is 13 i cant cope with this for another 3 years pleasehelp me and tell me where and what i can do. i also have a 20 yr old and a 18 year old both of them are lovely nice girls my sons are the sunshine of my life one is autistic and we see lots of professionals all say im a great parent but how can i be when dan n kays are so horrible to me if i try to walk away from situations they hound me untill i give in and pay them to bascially go away i cant live like this any longer

    • Cheryl Ann 2 years ago

      Just got home from hospital after a heart attack. Brought on by years of abuse.

      First the husband ) x), now the well manicured, indoctrinated children.

      My beloved 16th old daughter has become as evil and vile as he is.

      Night before last she got angry because she thought I was giving her a hard time for watching six straight hours of walking dead on the computer. I was not because I know what would come of it. What I said was that I'm glad she chose to write a new story and would have that to do along with her shows.

      For that I received a torrent of emotional abuse. The next morning she started up again and threw a laptop case at my face then strangled me and grabbed my face in her hands and scratched it. Then she left to go to her father's house where they will be buddies and her will reward her and act like her best friend for a few days.

      She began counselling in may after a supposed breakdown.

      For years she has only done what she wanted and ignored all of my requests. She learned very young that I wasn't worthy of any respect from her dad.

      I am now being the scapegoat and to blame for everything by her...

      I did everything to protect her.

      I'm at the end of what I could endure.

      All hope is lost.

      I'm 53 look 65 and feel like I'm dying.

    • Jill Ramsey 2 years ago

      This is very helpful

    • Me 2 years ago

      I would like to join your facebook group, but I don't want any of my friends to know I belong and it looks like the group is no longer secret. Do you know of any setting on FB that can enable me to be a member of the group, but not show the world that I belong to it?

    • Gabrielle 2 years ago

      One thing I don't see on many pages on this subject is any mention of adoption. Don't get me wrong. I am FOR adoption. But not every adoption is a happy ending. Many adopted kids have Reactive Attachment disorder stemming from traumas from their earlier life. So it's not my husband or I that ever abused our son. It was his birthfamily. Now we are the abused. And while the violent behavior is happening less often now, it's more abusive, more dangerous because our son is growing, getting bigger. We adopted him at 9 and he's now 12. We have very little support. No one seems to want to accept that children can be the abusers. Not the police, who tell us (and him in the room) that they won't arrest him for anything. Unless he's 17. You can't go to a domestic violence shelter when it's your kid. You can leave a violent spouse but not a violent kid. You can't go on a date with your spouse because even your 12-year-old isn't trustworthy to stay home with his older sister and you CANNOT foist that kid off on the neighborhood teenager hoping to make a few bucks babysitting. You need someone trained in attachment therapy but the liability is so high that no one does respite for people like us anymore. We didn't get our kids from the foster system. We got them from another country. If I am every found murdered, my son should be the prime suspect.

    • don't want to be identifyed 2 years ago

      Hello my parents have constantly been abused by my brother.

    • rmoraw71 2 years ago

      I am happy to find that there are recent comments on this hub. I began reading at 4yrs ago. So much pain it's disheartening. I live in the US. I can relate to this issue as my 7yr old has been acting out towards me practically her whole life. I love her so much and she regrets her actions afterwards but I endure hours of kicking hitting and throwing things at a time.

      Now my 13yr old has returned from his dad's after 2 mths of being brainwashed that I'm an awful person. He hates me. He called the cops and social services on Friday after refusing to go to school. The officers were very nice towards me and supportive. SS on the other hand told me to stop putting him in the middle of our problems. I've taken all his things and privileges away and dont want him talking to his dad. He is emotionally abusive and I am just feeling as if I've had my son taken from me. He wants to live with his dad. I refuse. I am shocked to see how many are going through this with me. I will try to find a support group.

    • Andrew 2 years ago

      My Fiancé is being abused by her son, and I have found a lot of useful feed back here, thank-you. I can only hope she will listen.

    • PMARTIN 2 years ago

      Moms, stop fighting for supremacy over the dad and instead put him in front as head and be his support. Kids see a weak dad and divided authority and will take advantage. Of course all this is in the early stages while you still have control. The author is sooooo correct about TV but its not just "violence" on TV. Watch the average teen, pre teen sitcom or animated show and they are taught that parents are weak inept morons (especially dads) In these shows teens will argue and disrespect parents with no "end of show" consequences. Watch what your kids watch, if necessary shut it off. Check what they are texting--who is poisoning them (walk by and suddenly take the device from them to read it). If I had a teen beating me up, I would leave some cash on the table and wait a week before I report him a runaway.

    • Confessions 2 years ago


      This is something that is rarely addressed when it comes to parenting. Yet is such an important factor to consider. I honestly would like to publish a few of these stories to let parents find help in somway. We are a website called It would be great if any of you can email me on and let me know about certain specifics that would help other parents in the same situation.

    • Becky 2 years ago

      I struggle daily with my just turned 10 daughter. She snaps out cards, steals, writes horrible words about us every where, physically and verbally abuses me, my husband and two other children, she plants knifes in your bed and waves them at you. I am at breaking point, social services are a waste of space, she is being seen by camhs at present but even that is taking ages. I feel so low

    • Cate 2 years ago

      Wow - so may posts. I left a domestic violent relationship 3 yrs ago & 2 of my boys ended up with their father. They were becoming abusive at that time towards me and the courts gave him custody. I did not see them for a year and a half and now they have gradually returned into my life, with a high level of conflict & aggressive behaviour. My youngest is not aggressive. My middle child has decided to live more with me now, though he is incapable of attending school due to aggressive behaviour. So we are attempting distant ed. There are explosions & abusive behaviour. With each episode we start again. And today even though contents of the fridge we thrown at the wall and I was kicked to the level of bruising we were able to focus on the fact that he did not punch into the walls as he did a week ago. He was remorseful, helped by the fact that we did not get rid of him and that we started again. Tomorrow is another day. I am forever hopeful, that love, fresh starts and the paeditrician will show my sons that there is an opportunity to heal. The abuse if real and there is no excuse. It is enough to be abused by your partner and shattering to then be abused by your children. It is so good that we are able to talk about this.

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 2 years ago from Southwest UK

      Those wishing to join the facebook group but what to remain anonymous, I suggest setting up a separate account, just for that. We can keep the closed group moderated, but as I have stated before, a secret group is no longer an option. No one can find it if its secret which kinda defeats the object.

      On the subject of adopted kids and Reactive Attachment Disorder and the traumatised child, check out the work of Bryan Post. His techniques not only work, but the explanation why they work is a revelation to most parents, adopted and non adopted alike. Check out the Post Institute. I'd give you the link, but the hub will get pulled for "violations" so just google it.

    • chemsluc profile image

      chemsluc 2 years ago

      very important and critical subject neglected by modern society!!!

      the parents nowdays have no more respect or wrights!

      young people of will be old parents soon, very soon...

      There is a need for laws and education to allow parents a quiet life...

      thanks to you Lou for this critical subject...

    • Lor 2 years ago

      I found this page after having another weekend from hell with my 12 year old daughter. I am very protective I don't let her out unless I am dropping and picking up and know exactly where she is I am gradually giving her a bit more freedom but nowhere near as much as her friends parents , today started ok she went to meet friends this afternoon when we got home I was busy doing chores and went upstairs and found her in my room on my bed eating and drinking . My room is off limits and she knows this but refused to get out , she then started verbally abusing me and swearing . I asked her to go to her room and do her homework she refused so I asked her for her iPad she refused again so I turned the wifi off . This sparked a huge scene more name calling and swearing . She then went into my bag took my phone and started being more abusive reading out my texts etc. I grabbed my phone out of her hand after she refused to hand it over, I turned around and then was knocked to the floor by a violent kick to my lower back. I was crying in pain and she laughed at me. The verbal abuse continued for about 3 hours I remained totally calm and have now shut myself in my room to get away from the situation . I am a single parent trying to hold down a stressful job and she is a twin her poor sister ends up suffering too . I don't want her here this abusive behaviour is constant. Last week she refused to go to school and I had to leave her as the scene she caused was making me late for work. She is out of control and I feel weak And useless. Have tried taking privileges away but everyone ends up suffering at the moment the wifi is my only power and the one thing I know she can't live without but every time I show discipline things get worse

    • kay jay 2 years ago

      Hi, im in a similar situation with my 19 year old son. He lived with his father who eventually went to prison for selling drugs. So, of course my son came to live with me. It's been 5years now and my life has been a living hell! My son started at 13 with skipping school, smoking weed and robbing other teenagers. Then he graduated to punching holes in the walls of every place we lived. He's trashed my house in my ways he's trashed my car now he had tha nerves to pull a gun out and shoot in the air at me. Im truly hurt, this is my only child but i had to put him out and really i want nothing to do with him ever! Am i wrong for feeling like this?

    • Bluejs63 2 years ago

      Hey guys!! I am so grateful to have found you, but living in the US, there are different rules. On top of that I haven't seen a story like mine: my 18 yr old son, AND his father are verbally abusive to me. They gang up on me, and I am always the reason for EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING that is going badly in their lives. We all live together and I am trying to get advise for a divorce, but my husband has told me on many occasions that he would rather not have a job (get himself fired) then to pay me alimony. We have been married 22 years. Just wonderful. I finally called the police on my son last year (while he was still a minor) because he tried to beat me up. Took my cell, my car keys, and followed me from room to room breaking down doors to prevent that call to 911. I should still call 911 on him, but he is in college on scholarship, and I think he w/b thrown off the team and his funding withdrawn. His dad sticks up for him whenever our son is around, then tries to make nice with me. Needless to say he has all the same traits of an emotional abuser. And so does our son.

      I am no longer "mad", "angry", or given to crying my eyes out because nothing changes. His father is completely useless, and so is my son. My son says all the things other parents have written about above: all the horrible names, accusations, threats and death wishes. I'm done and want to leave. Not that easy because I am in bad health and we don't even have health insurance! My husband often refuses to pay for my monthly doctors appointments. Yet another "abuser profile" tactic. His picture (and our sons) s/b in the dictionary next to the definition of emotional abuser. Has anyone got a similar situation?? I w/like to read/talk to someone that has a story most similar to mine. If you're out there and you'd be willing to help, I w/b forever grateful!! Thanks so much in advance, and thank you for having a forum where someone like me can possibly get some help!! Xoxoxo

    • sunflower456 2 years ago

      Lou, what is the name of the facebook group ?

    • Annie 2 years ago

      I have been abused by son for 10 years now. He is 17 now. It began after separation from his Dad which was an amicable breakup but turned once I actually left. My son was subject to an incredible amount of denigration about me from his father & his family. He movedto live with his parents & in turn via the court & "maternal alienatin" my son lived with him for a year. My husband was diagnosed with a right front lobal brain tumor shortly after separation. It had been there for the majority of our marriage & upon diagnosis I was given closure & understanding for why we separated. I had been trying to get him to a doctor for years for headaches & change in behaviour but he refused. Over the past decade there has not been a period of time that my son & I have not been involved in some form of counselling, psycholotherapy. Friends, family, teachers, school counsellors have all been trying to help - I have always made sure that there be a support network for him. I have a younger son, now 13 who has only recently broken down & had enough. He is now in counselling. Police intervention started 5 years ago. The latest case was in court a fortnight ago & he is on a 'good behaviour bond', living with his paternal grandparents. I have continued to financially support him everytime he has been there for respite & continued to help with transport etc. I have had both boys involved in lots of sport & out of school activities since Dad died, both are very talented. The boys are chalk and cheese in most ways. The abuse has been daily in a verbal fashion being told constantly that he wishes I was dead, that he would like to smash my head in, that I'm a terrible mother & have never done anything for him, that I am too scared to take more police action because I couldn't live without him and am too pathetic to do anything. I have had bruises, broken veins. I live in a rental property and have 3 broken doors, hole in wall where plaster has come out from slamming door so often, the items that have been broken over the years are too many to list but include personal effects like special ornaments to my car taillight ($400 replacement). He was sentenced to go on a Treatment Intervention Program a year ago and was to engage in counselling, had a 2 psychiatric assessments to check that there was no slight borderline disorder or chemical imbalance which there was not. Remorse has been near zero. I stopped work due to migraines becoming part of my life a few years back & also because of the stress and severe depression, anxiety & a panic disorder. I was a vibrant, confident, outgoing, involved in everything, coordinating school sports programs, exercising daily, working daily, loads of friends, a boyfriend who I've known for 25 years. I have isolated myself totally for a couple of years. There are times when I really don't feel like being here but as I have a beautiful younger son who loves me to bits and makes sure he lets me know daily; and having lost a best friend to suicide I would never hurt myself - its a matter of just not wanting to be here in this particular situation. Despite all the counselling, police/court dealings still the last 5 days everyday I have been verbally abused & threatened, had a glass thrown and smashed all over the place, motioned to punch me but stopped saying how he would love me to be dead and he'd love to smash my head in. He has told me that his grandfather said if I try to report or arrest him again he will get a good lawyer against ME!!! I have rung the police and they want me to report him again. It is so draining & distressing just making a report but I feel I have to. I have known of adult domestic violence (emotional & physical) abuse. If you look at the diagram of the Cycle of Domestic Violence it is a mirror image of my situation. It is no different to adult domestic violence, he feels and acts like he has total control of me and the situation and that he can demand what he wants & if he doesn't get it look out..... Only today I have told him that I'm cutting off totally, revoking financial responsibility. I receive sickness benefits & will tell them next week that he is no longer here. My payment will be cut & it will be very hard to make ends meet.... I refuse to have to move & upheave my youngest as a result of all of this. I believe as a mother we think that we should be able to help our children no matter what and when something so extreme is occurring it is gut wrenching, sickening & totally overwhelming. I have not been out for over a year, my friends have stopped calling .... friends & family feel helpless & hopeless not knowing how to help & there really isn't anything they can do to stop the situation which I understand. I have not joined a support group but have the number of one and will. It is the hardest thing I have ever ever had to cope with. If there is a facebook page it would be most interesting. I must say when I research things like intervention programs, boot camps & other services for this kind of thing, all the interesting, valid info is in UK & USA. In Australia there is not one camp for this type of stuff. This has been an interesting read, I am glad I searched & found you. Thankyou for the opportunity to vent. If this were paper there would be a lot of smudged ink from my waterfall of tears that continues.

    • june 2 years ago

      my life is ruined because of this and the judgemental interference of others, who could and would not believe it happened. Rather that it was the other way, which i have heard from specialist psychologist, the kids can reverse the blame.

    • june 2 years ago

      hi where is your fb site ?? i saw a Scottish , Aussie based Psychologist , Eddie Gallagher. well worth reading his website. cheers june ps i am the only person i have met. with this..

    • C Clark 2 years ago

      What is the name of the Facebook account? I suffer from parent abuse and have no where to turn!

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image

      Lou Purplefairy 2 years ago from Southwest UK

      facebook group is called The Silent Suffering of Parents and Carers Abused by Children. Its a closed group, but not secret and we have almost 200 members. We are not alone. If you want anonymity, I suggest you set up an separate facebook account under s pseudonym just to access this group. No spammers please, because I will delete those posting rayban ads, ugg boot ads and spell casting ads without question and ban you from the group permanently. We've been through enough without being subjected to yet more crap.

    • Theresa 2 years ago

      I found this movie, and did not know if you had seen it or not. I thought it might be of interest to the group

    • Harriet 2 years ago

      My son has been hard work since he was 4, but started to become abusive and destructive from the age of 8.

      I have had CAHMS involved totally useless. I tried to get help from Social Services, even though he was abusing his younger brother they didn't care as long as I wasn't a threat to him.

      They did threaten to take me to court, if he hurt his younger brother. He was 15 at this stage breaking things throwing things at me at his brother.

      He threw books at me, while I was critically ill, and told me afterwards I deserved it.

      I had to get the police out because I eoke up to him attacking his younger brother. He wouldn't get in the car the next day, and asked if he'd get anything if I died. My tyre blew out on the way into town, it had been slashed.

      The final straw came a few weeks later, he'd been verbally swearing at me all day and breaking everything in sight, my younger son asked him to stop and he turned on him.

      I threw him out, he went to live with his dad who became concerned for the safety of his wife and 2 year old daughter. He threw him out 5 months later.

      He lived with friends for about two years and was thrown out. I had him back because I felt sorry for him. Wow that was a mistake he was alright for 4 weeks then the verbal abuse started. I asked him if he would look for somewhere else to live. He trashed my house so I threatened him with the police and he left.

      Again I had him back 6 months he was holding a job down and I really thought he'd turned himself round. Again what a mistake started bullying the dog because it upset me. Wouldn't let me sleep, lost his job and dragged his ill brother out of bed to make tea. Started trashing the house again and I eventually got the police involved. Once to get him out, the second time to tell him to leave me alone.

      I hope I have the strength to keep him out this time. And at arms length.

      I feel incredibly sad that it has come to this. But don't think he will ever change. I believe he needs help. Tried to get it when he was a child. Only he can ask for it now.

      The police have been fantastic but more support is needed to help families before it reaches crisis point.

      It has helped reading other people's comments.

      Thank you for letting me express my thoughts.

    • Katrina 2 years ago

      I was an abuser to my mother when I was younger and living at home with her. I had an undiagnosed at the time mental illness and I stayed in the house all the time. I had been sexually abused in my teens and blamed my poor mother for everything. I took my anger out on her but after coming to Christ, I realize I was wrong and I deeply regret the things I did. There really does need to be more help for parents who are enduring this in silence.

    • at wits end 2 years ago

      So what if your child is not yet a teen and doing all those things?. Yes my child was abused when she was a young child and her mother walked out on her four years ago. Getting her help isnt working or at least fast enough if we keep going at this rate she will have killed me or one of her sisters by the time she is 13. Her workers know about all of it they don't care there statement is its understandable. The hospital says as long as she isnt hurting herself there is nothing they can do. Really!!!!!!!!!! My house is locked up like a darn prison so my family is safe. This is truely insane. I cannot even begin to tell you how I feel.

    • charlienbella 24 months ago

      Im at my witts end my 14 year old stands at 6ft tall no longer attends education shoplifts steals literary everything from house does nothing but swear shout and constantly intimidate me im a single mum who works hard also have his brother living at home im in constant fear of him 12 referrals have gone into childrens service within 2 weeks due to his behaviour. He has also lied to police saying i abuse him im feeling so stressed and panicking constantly please can anyone help me.

    • sadlife 24 months ago

      theres nothing we can do. people dont change.they born this way. doesnt matter the age. they can only change if they wont to. not many do. every one will say is your fault, its not, its your damn luck to be in this. This kids born like this thats my believe. we can only speak back with love and pray for a miracle. no one cares if you are in this situation, nothing will help, doctors, or police or what so ever, you are alone, try not to help then get mad, yes DONT HELP THEM GET MAD, be nice.

    • finished 24 months ago

      My son is nearly 25 years old and has been displaying these kinds of behaviour for so long, it became normal. I am from SA and this kind of thing is not spoken of here. He has been shouting, screaming, stealing, cutting himself and finally pushing me around. I am married to a wonderful man, but I feel I cannot tell that to him, as he will not allow him to come near us at all. We stay in such a small town and everybody knows each other. His brother, who is 18 months older, is the most caring and responsible person. The younger son cannot keep a job, cannot have a relationship, uses drugs. We also have a business and he comes in at night and steal the money from the safe. I am finished and feel like a total looser. He was not sexually abused, although I did smack him on his bum when he was smaller and misbehaved. I did the same to his brother and his brother does not abuse me. He swears at me horribly and calls me all kinds of names. This is a problem that started in his later years and not when he was young. He was always a dare devil and busy, but never abusive!!

      Thank you for just being able to voice my thoughts although I have no idea what to do.

    • dee 23 months ago

      what happens when its your son who is 28 years old

    • Bella 23 months ago

      I'm so glad to see someone taking notice of this issue. My sons are 17 and 19. My youngest son doesn't give me a moment of worry, I thank God every day for him. My oldest son is a different story. He was always a good kid. Normal issues, but loving and sweet. At 16 he threatened to kill himself if we didn't let him drop out of school. Ultimately we let him as we felt we had no choice. In the last year and a half he has changed. He calls me nasty names, he's destroyed my house breaking things, vandalized my car just among a few things. He has assaulted his dad. His father won't hit back because of the way the law works. Plus we don't want to hurt our child. I was so close to this boy and desperately miss him, but who he has become terrifies me. He's taken over my home, friendshere all the time, with no regard to the fact that we have to work in the morning. We are uncomfortable in our own home. We walk eggshells waiting for the next explosion. I've threatened to throw him out but he said if I did he'd kill himself. There is no solution here and I just can't handle much more.

    • Harriet 20 months ago

      I'm worried sick about my son and don't know what to do.

      He doesn't live with me because he is abusive towards myself and my younger son. He destroys my property when he doesn't get his own way and pushes me around, and won't let anyone sleep so there is no way I can have him back under my roof.

      He currently lives with a friend who has asked him to leave. Don't know the exact circumstances. He has no where to go. He probably can't use the local housing associations as they've kicked him out, for not paying rent and destruction of property.

      He wants me to be guarantor but he already owes me in excess of £1500 and constantly tells me parents should pay for there children. So I know the minute my name was on a lease agreement he wouldn't pay. That and the fact he destroys things he would break me financially. I'm still trying to pay for all the damage he's done to my house.

      What options are there for him?

      Really worried, really down. I have to keep him out and can't help him financially. But it would break my heart to think of him on the street. But don't feel I have an alternative.

      Can't turn to his father because he's washed his hands of him. Don't know how to help him.

      I need to protect my younger son, who is doing A - levels at the moment. And has finally come out of his shell and his doing well, after years of bullying behaviour from his brother. He is the totally opposite of his brother, he is sweet, caring and loving.

      The eldest was diagnosed with ADHD at 12, but refused his medication at 14.

      Totally gutted. And no one to turn to.

    • Deborah 19 months ago

      I read these pages for the first time two years ago ago. I was relieved to know I was not alone.

      My 17 year old daughter has spent most of her time between the ages of 12 and 16 being being verbally, financially, and physically abusive to me. My ex husband and I had shared custody of her until she lied to the police about him striking and pushing her. He was found guilty of domestic abuse of a minor.

      After my ex lost custody, my daughter moved in with me full time. In the first 30 days, she called the police on me--for no reason-- twice. The officers recognized what was happening and read her the riot act.

      She trashed my 20 year old music cd collection, destroyed some of my framed art, ran away multiple times, threw away good food from my fridge, shoplifted. She found and destroyed the journal I was keeping of her actions.

      She was as sweet as pie to everyone else in the world.

      I got her into group, family, and residential counseling. None of it did much good. She habitually lied about almost everything.

      She convinced my only sibling, a sister, that I was a monster and that she was an innocent victim of two twisted parents.

      The abuse stopped when I proved to her I was ready to toss all of her things and let her sleep on the floor. I let her know that if that didn't work, I would tell the court what she'd been up to and ask the judge to send her back to her dad. Foster care would be her final destination if her dad couldn't take her.

      We live in the same space, but don't speak more than ten words a day to each other.

      The physical abuse abuse has ended. She told me last month that she thinks I an old and ugly and she hates me and wishes me dead. I told her I didn't care what she thougbt, but that if she took any action, she'd go to jail for it. I sleep behind a locked door each night.

      I am disowning her when she finishes her senior year of high school (in eleven months). We live in the States.

      I have no guilt about it because she has no remorse for what she has done. She blames me for everything she doesn't like about her life. If she doesn't leave my home--an apartment--I will leave and let her deal with the landlord.

      Prayers have gotten me through up to this point. I am sure I'll need counseling in order to recover completely. This has been a war and the final chapter isn't quite over.

      I look forward to reclaiming more and more of my life. Right now, I am taking small steps each week to rebuild my life and myself.

      Wishing everyone here the best.

    • Judith2 19 months ago

      I came across this site after searching the web for help for parents abused by adult children. Quite a bit of it is my fault. I was the family scapegoat in my family of origin and regularly abused by my sister and mother. My father just stood idly by and drank. Interestingly, I also was expected to pull all their irons out of the fire. So I was the scapegoat and the family rescuer at the same time. A no win situation.

      My mother was a diagnosed narcissist with borderline features. She did her best to turn all of our relatives against me, all of my neighbors and especially my children. She was quite successful with my oldest daughter. My oldest son finally saw the light and did an immediate 180 turn around and began treating me with respect. But it wasn't until he was almost thirty.

      My two oldest daughters, 42 and 41 are very abusive. They have done all in their power to take away my younger children from me, including siding with their abusive step father in his parental alienation of me with our daughter and taking her from me via court. His parents paid his legal fees as he has always lived with them and never supported himself. They went so far as to mortgage their home to pay his fees to keep harassing me in court. My youngest daughter was not allowed to speak of me or to call me mom. His meth addict girlfriend was to be called "Mom". She was arrested for cooking and selling meth with children in the trailer. Proof positive on television.

      I graduated with my BSN one year after my youngest was born. I worked hard to provide a nice single family home in a middle income neighborhood for my children with much adversity from my mother and my two ex husbands. Unfortunately I have been very foolish in choosing men. I believe that you repeat what you don't learn. I learned to pick narcissists for partners as that is what I grew up with for a mother.

      Many years of counseling helped tremendously, however, I was told by a counselor that I was too willing to "negotiate" and "hear my kids out" when I should have set more clear and firm boundaries. My kids resorted to verbal abuse at about the age of 13 or 14. This is, after all, what they witnessed with my mother, sister and their fathers.

      I raised my second daughter's handicapped son who was born three months premature due to his father throwing my daughter down the stairs to try to induce an abortion. Still this daughter made excuses and denied his behavior. She was 15 when she married him. I did not give consent. Her boyfriend snuck her out of the house, called her father, who had nothing to do with her and her siblings for several years, to sign for them to marry. Utah since then has a law that a non custodial parent cannot sign for a minor to marry. Too late for me. He marched right down with a copy of the license and stopped his lousy $50 per month support.

      I know I am rambling, but, I have to admit that I enabled their abuse. I have bent over backwards to keep this family together, pay and cook big holiday dinners, help with medical and dental costs for married children, etc, etc etc ad nauseum and still get attacked whenever I even attempt to set a limit or say no.

      I raised my mentally and physically challenged grandson since he was discharged from the care center at the age of 19 months because my daughter refused and asked me to take him until she could learn to care for him. Needless to say, she never made an attempt. Now that he is 24, she expects that she can take him for extended overnight visits whenever she desires without my input. When I told her she needed to consult with me first and to bring him home, she became very verbally abusive and fowl mouthed. Name calling, insults and threats. Tonight was the first time I told her I would not tolerate her verbal abuse ever again.

      I will call my attorney tomorrow and submit a motion to the court as his legal guardian and conservator, for her to have only supervised visitation with the court. I am 60 years old and have tolerated way too much abuse. I am done. I really don't care if I have any contact with three of my children ever again and an leaning in that direction with the other two. Sad, but, they can blame me all they want, I provided for them far more than they ever provided for their own children. My children stayed in their own home in a nice neighborhood. I worked hard to provide a secure home environment and provide sports and lessons. They have only themselves to blame for their horrendous behavior. My custody attorney told me almost twenty years ago after interviewing them that he hated to say it, but my kids are horrible. And, it is true. I have no desire to reconnect or have any relationship with them what so ever. They don't contribute in any positive way to our relationship. Just aggravation, pain and heart ache. As I said, I'm done.

    • kaytee 18 months ago

      i have beeen going through parental abuse for about 4 or five years now. it is one of the worst things i have experienced. My stomach stays in a knot because i never know whats going to happen from one minute to the next. I have had tv's, art work, statues , walls , furniture and more destroyed. on top of Physical and verbal abuse. It hurts to think that our own child can do this to you especially when you are the only one thats always in her corner even when she does wrong. it hurts so much but now its time for tough love. i have contemplated taking my own life on more than one occasion... its not healthy. God help me.

    • sunflower456 18 months ago

      hi things are getting better. there is hope. My daughter has had such a turn around. She is working, maturing and is nothing like she use to be. Nothing. I'll write more at a later time, but I just want to say there is hope....

    • Carrie Medford 15 months ago

      I was recently assaulted by my 17 year old son and am only alive because my 25 year old daughter was able to break his grip around my throat. Living in the US, I find absolutely NO help for parents who are going through something like this. I invite anyone to look for me on Facebook ( facebook dot com / soshotout )or through my blog at CarrieAMedford dot com. Not having the support and resources there for us is NOT acceptable. In fact, I am required by law to bring him back into my home with his younger brothers with NO regard to our safety. Something must be done to change how instances like this are dealt with.

    • desperate n confused 14 months ago

      Finally i dont feel alone. Ive had years and years of abuse crap and tears. Lost friends and had to walk away from people. Ive split 3 times from partner now am totally alone as family dont want to know. Social services have opened n closed my file more times than i have fingers just like cahms.

      The isolation that my home situation has resulted in has been unbearable. Its now at the stage where I've had a breakdown and who do i turn to.

      Typed in parent abuse snd your right there is NOTHING! !! Fingers will always be pointed at parents. My kid had therapy on and off for years and everytime i was told that sessions are confidential, all showing kids can be more empowered and basically encouraging secrets.

      Ive been hit kicked punched trapped and locked out of my own home. Swaren at demoralised belittled and had my things destroyed stollen and damaged. If it was a parent doing that there would be an outrage NoOnE is helping.

      Ive read the article and comments and at last i know im not going crazy its not just my home its not just me. Im writing this with so many omg tears im not alone. Im not the inly one whos had a broken bone hair pulled and verbally assaulted.

      I love both my kids but the teen has burnt every support network destroyed the family and at the end of the day almost lost me. But im still here as i know this cannot carry on forever

      Thank you for showing me hope i just wish the world would be more open to this last taboo

    • Wolfsauge 11 months ago

      Great article, but a bit limited in perspective from my point of view. Shocking stories in the comments..

      Abuse of the parents by the children is an especially challenging kind of abuse, because as a parent you can't simply get out of the abusive relationship, as long as you're responsible for the offspring abusing you. You need a much more effective strategy of dealing with the abuse actively as a parent, than in most other cases of abuse, for example as in coeval partnerships or when you're the child, that's being abused. The strategies involved need to exceed the usual practical approaches, not only because you do not want to raise a future abuser, it's obviously in your own interest, as well.

      In the light of this I found it inspiring to follow the writings of Lisa Aronson Fontes, Ph.D., Senior Lecturer at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, who also wrote several books about abuse and controlling behaviours. On her website you can find a practical assessment checklist, which includes all those behaviours that often surround abuse.

      Her work does not only point out very practical possibilities for approaching the abuse in the form of simple defence against such behaviour, also it delivered me a new perspective on how the object of abuse (in this case: the parents) can contribute to the abuse and encourage the abuser (in this case: the child) to continue the abuse, which helped me greatly to understand more deeply what's going on. This was my first step in overcoming the abusive behaviours.

      Also, it helped me, by reflecting on the history of abuse during my own childhood and how it was a response to my own parent's neglect and abuse towards myself. Of course, understanding how abusive behaviour towards any person is usually a sign of insecurity and an attempt to control that insecurity using inappropriate measures deemed to be unsuccessful, does neither help to endure the actual abuse, nor does it help to overcome it or deal with the immediate abuse in the present of it happening to you. However, it can give the motivation to actually start going that long path towards a more satisfying relationship with your children.

      Please also do not forget that it requires the parent to be very thickly skinned, as it is usually required to address the abuse, once it has become a memory of the past, by talking to your more grown up children, in order to complete the learning. It's worth it!

    • StepMomWhoCares 11 months ago

      I would like to start out by saying I love all my children.I have been dealing with what seems to be a direct dose of parent abuse. My partner of 8 years has a son.from day one I called him my son and treat him no different from the other children.He has in last 4 years started abusing me using manipulation,verbal abuse ,physical abuse ,even lies to try and sway his point.His teachers and school are having issues with him also. I spend lots of time with his teachers at the school trying to help.the facts are I'm asking them for help also I'm at a loss.I don't know what to do .His father works 7 days a week and he don't want to believe or see what's going on here. I moved my mother in when I was cornered with the idea that it's me.she has experience and very resourceful on abuse subjects.I almost felt I needed a second opinion but I'm very convinced it's not me at this mother has witnessed his abuse to me ,her now ,and other children.I have taken many videos ,called cops numerous times .everyone is so set on ( children's rights ) that when faced with many videos of him hitting me in back ,hitting other children ,hitting my mother it's viewed as cute or normal.this disturbs me.yesterday he with his father witness on phone stood to me and said boldly he was going to go get a knife. I have removed knives from his room. When his father approceed the issue with well what did you do to spark him off ? Wait soooo,I sparked him !!! How does one spark someone to pull a knife and it be justified.he has pulled pencils on me also why he claims because I'm NOT his mom (Help Me) he also is on tape saying in his outburst he will go and report me for child abuse I feel I always have to have my record button on me at all times for my protection.I hate to think there's noting I can do for him and will have to walk away to protect myself my mother and other children.His father don't have issues from him as he's always ready to be his personal attorney. Someone's always the reason he does what he does. But I have to ask myself how many adults will it take to finally get his dad to admit he has some firm of problems and needs some help. More than I can give him because I'm not rightfully his mother.I feel tag teamed here.

    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 10 months ago from Home Sweet Home

      is swearing, cursing and name calling by children are considered as abuse too?

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