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The Silent Suffering of Parent Abuse: When Children Abuse Parents

Updated on February 14, 2012

What is Parent Abuse?

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We have all heard of child abuse and how children are damaged by this terrible behaviour and you only have to Google "Child Abuse" to find page after page of information, support groups and advice on this subject, but, how many people have heard of parent abuse? Especially at the hands of teenage children with serious social interaction and violence issues? Google it. You wont find much, except on a few support sites.

It's a growing problem for parents who share their home with abusive young people and ther is virtually no support.

Spotting the Signs of Parent Abuse

Parent Abuse is a form of domestic abuse and is a serious problem which results in physical harm, depression, damage to property, job loss, and family breakdown. It is usually perpetrated by a child in their teens displaying the following behaviour towards you and members of your family. Signs include:

  • Threats of and/or physical violence including hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, slapping, biting, hair pulling with or without weapons or objects used as weapons.
  • Swearing and name calling
  • Intimidation
  • A constant refusal to do as been asked ( going to bed, coming home, asking friends to leave, cleaning up after themselves, not attending school/college/work) or contribute to the household or participate in normal family activities.
  • Bullying by text or phone
  • Stealing money or property or misuse of parents credit cards/phones/computers
  • Deliberate damaging of property
  • Threats of or actual violence to pets or other children of the household as a way of intimidation
  • Emotional blackmail
  • Drug/alcohol abuse in the home
  • Belittling parents in front of friends/other family members/public.

Many parents may recognise some of these signs as "normal" teenage behaviour, but those suffering from parent abuse have experience physical harm resulting in medical treatment or even death, damage to property, theft and bullying at the hands of their teenage children. This causes parents to lose complete confidence in themselves as parent and human beings, and is debilitating for the child as the parent loses complete control over the child, leading the teenager to be unsupported and in danger of losing out by not fitting into society.

Quite often, the child who is abusing the parent, does it wilfully and for enjoyment, since the ability for empathy and compassion is not present in the teenage psyche, and is a way of them dealing with anger management issues, psychological disturbances and hormones. Not all teenagers turn on their parents, but there is an increasing number that are.

Since children have been made more aware of their rights as a child, it has prevented parents from administering chastisement and punishments traditionally used to control rowdy and unacceptable behaviour. The Law is always on the child's side, through legislation in Child Protection, but there is nothing to protect parents from children who abuse their parents, and in the UK, as a parent you are legally responsible for that child. In most cases Social Services are not interested, unless the child has a long history of repeated offences of violence involving the Police. Schools often permanently exclude teenagers with behavioural issues, but since there is virtually no support for these kids or their parents they quickly turn to drugs and crime.

Parent Abuse is not restricted to certain social groups, it can affect single and two parent families equally. It is usually the mother (or the main caregiver) who is most affected, but other children in the family and fathers suffer too.

What Causes Teens to Turn on Their Parents?

Many people consider Parent Abuse to be the result of bad parenting, neglect or the child suffering abuse themselves, but many teen abusers have had normal upbringing and have not suffered from these issues.

My personal belief is that as a society, we are not teaching our children respect, love and care. We are allowing them to be subjected to violence on TV, Film and music, and violence is considered "normal". Drugs and Alcohol can play a huge part, as can gang culture. Social deprivation is another factor, as is many teens not having adequate role models or enough input from male members of society. The breakdown of the family unit and increasing numbers of children who have poor or non existent relationships with an absent parent, debt, unemployment and parental drug/alcohol abuse are also contributory factors on Parent Abuse.

What Can you Do?

Firstly do not suffer in silence and take back control. You do not have to give your power away and you can put a stop to this abuse.

If you are suffering from Parent Abuse you must recognise that you are not at fault and do not deserve this, as with any form of abuse. Speak to a friend, or your GP, or contact a domestic abuse support group. Seek professional help.

Confront the child with his/her behaviour, calmly and tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate it any more. Explain that what they are doing is abuse ( be prepared for them to turn the tables on you and abuse you further) and explain that they need professional help. Re- assure them that you still love them, but this is the end of the line. Remove all privileges, rights to mobiles computers, video games, money etc and refuse to be a taxi service. If they refuse to come home, report them as missing to the police, and get them picked up in a squad car. Sometimes Police intervention is enough of a wake up call for them.

If you feel that you can still communicate with your child, seek mediation, and explain that you will not tolerate this behaviour. Lay down some ground rules, regain control of yourself and absolutely stick to them!. If you tell your child that if you are hit again, you will call the Police, and have them arrested. Don't call their bluff, do it. They need to see that you mean business.If your child physically harms you, steals from you or damages property, involve the Police immediately and PRESS CHARGES! Dial 999 and report an assault. Its tough love we are talking about here!

Try not to retaliate by hitting back unless in absolute self defence, and disarm them if the come at you with a weapon. Many many abusers will ring social services to claim you have hit them, and the Law comes down on their side every time. You will be prosecuted for hitting your child and your child will be placed on an "at risk" register as will any other children in your household.They may even be removed, which can be good news if the offending child is removed but unfair for the siblings or for you. If in doubt and under threat of violence, call the police. Invariably, Social Services will not be interested at all, unless you are yourself a drug abuser/alcoholic or violent towards your child, in which case, they will put the child on the "at risk" register, and seek to remove the child for its own safety.

See? No support for parents who suffer from appalling behaviour from teenage children who are often physically bigger and stronger than the parent.

Seek help from extended family and friends, and see if they can offer to give you respite by taking the child from you for a few days.

Get in touch with Parentline Plus, a UK organisation dedicated to helping parents with their issues. You can call them on 0808 800 2222. Visit their website and look on the message boards for help and support groups in your area.They often run groups which offer practical support and tips of parenting difficult teens. You can meet with other parents who are in the same boat as you and find support there.

Approach your GP and your child's school and have your child referred to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, or refer them yourself, informing them that you are suffering Parent Abuse.

Keep a journal of events, with dates, times etc., or a video diary, and film your child when it is abusing you (you can use your mobile phone or digital camera). Often, when faced with media of their own behaviour, it can shock them into accepting help from professionals.

Get therapy for yourself and your family.

If none of these work, then the last resort is to exclude the child at 16 years old from the family home, and change the locks. Its tough love, but you cannot continue to allow this behaviour to go on without resolving it. You owe it to your child to teach them that abuse is unacceptable and be excluded from the home is their behaviour continues.


*******************************FEBRUARY 2012******************************************************

It seems to me that those who are suffering need some place to find each other and connect, so you can all help each other out. How do people feel about me setting up a facebook page where you can all connect and help each other?
If you are concerned about your anonymity, you can of course set up a separate account at facebook, just for this purpose. I would not want anyone to compromise themselves. If I get enough feedback, I'll set one up, and post the link here for you to follow.
sending you all a massive hug. I do know what you are going through. I have walked the walk myself, though these days, I realise that what I have been through may not have been at the level that some of you are going through, but the emotional outcome is just the same.
Be brave, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Sending huge love out there to all who are reading this and suffering in silence.

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I have tried to update the links section, but the Hupages Police will not let me put the links in that direct you to useful sites, and as such, Hubpages Police are actively preventing you from accessing them from this page stating that they contain pop ups, ads for viagra etc. I have checked all of the links personally and they do not contain any of them, so i suggest you clear off this site and google them yourself. Use the search "parent abuse" and you should find all of the ones I tried to add on the first three pages.

If I leave the links in they refuse to publish this hub, which attracts 1200 hits a month from abused parents, so I have removed them all, and left in the ones that you used to be able to access. By refusing to publish this hub, they are giving the impression that they do not want you to access information to help yourself out of the hellish nightmare you are in.

Allegedly, a "human" reads all hubs and they are monitored, so to the human reading this who sanctioned this hub after I tried to add more useful links, well done, you prevented me from helping people. Hope you are proud of yourself. If I have to pull every single link out of here, I will, just to keep this hub running for people who have nowhere else to turn to.

Since I wrote this article two years ago, more and more of you are coming forward and speaking out about this ever increasing GLOBAL issue. I have read messages from parents from all over the globe, heartbreaking stories and personal accounts of horrific abuse. It is time we all came out of the closet, together and shouted with one voice : STOP!

Do not suffer in silence. Suffering in silence condones the behaviour.
We rally for child abuse victims.
We rally for disabled abuse victims.
We rally for domestic abuse victims and battered spouses, both male and female
We rally for sexual abuse victims
We rally for abused gay people
We rally for abused animals
We rally for abused environments and the abused planet

WHY ARE WE NOT RALLYING FOR ABUSED PARENTS?

Because nobody knows of the abuse because its victims stay silent.
Speak out to help not only yourself, but those who do not have the courage that you have.

This article is rated 2nd in popularity in the google search "parent abuse"

As of Feb 2012, over 26,000 people have viewed this page.

It currently has 97 comments, read them, please. For those with the courage to tell there story, there are thousands who do not.
The key to escaping this abuse is to recognise that you are far from being alone, you are one of THOUSANDS who need help.

Its time we stood together, with one voice and one heart.
You are valued, and you are loved, if by nobody else, then by me, and all of the other people here, who have told their stories.

I am currently researching for a new article I am writing about how we deal with this as a society, and what the authorities, health professional and the judiciary systems should be doing to help abuse survivors.

You are not a victim.
You are a survivor, and you deserve respect and love.
Speaking out IS empowerment.
They only win, when you give up.

huge hugs to all,

Lou x

Comments

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    • profile image

      Suzie 10 days ago

      My 28yr old daughter has emotionally & verbally abused me for yrs,it has been a constant very exhausting battle for me. 5yrs ago very 1st time she physically abused me, which left me very broken & hurting deep inside. But I would just act as normal in front of pple. Abt 2,mths ago she moved into our home with my 2 grandkids. My daughters name is also on house title. The day she moved in,it's been pure hell with her continuous emotional & verbal abuse at me. Her name calling & always putn me down. Her threats on my life telln me she will slice my throat,put me 6ft under n telln me to go kill myself. Then she is ok for abt 1wk or so then bang it's on again. It's like she turns into another personality. Which has contributed to my depression n suicidal thoughts more severe. Then other day she physically attacked me,u cld see it in her how much she wanted to inflict pain on me. I finally had enough n got enough courage to go to the police n filed a report. Im exhausted protecting my abuser n suffering in silence. I can't bring myself to file charges. She is my daughter. Good thing is Ive stood up for myself & no more suffering in silence ☺bad thing is I can't live in my own home no more ,need to find new home & that's not easy. Like I said to my friends that I'd rather live our on the streets than keep living the everyday hell that i live.

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      Alex 2 weeks ago

      Have you considered including links as text, where the "." is replace by the word in brackets (DOT):

      Eg. xyzwebsite(DOT)com

      Another useful way to lead folks to sites that might help is to share specific search terms that flag sites on Google for instance.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts and support.

    • profile image

      Lucy 2 weeks ago

      My son is 25 and I have suffered first verbal and bullying and it turned to physical abuse. I have start fighting back with the law. I got me an protection order. I had to pray and ask God to take my child off my heart and start thinking about myself. He has always said he hated me wish I was dead, constantly threatening to kill me and I believe him. You think everything is okay , but he will turn on me. I have to watch what I say or do.

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      Nicole 3 weeks ago

      I have a autistic child qith aggression i am always there for her . But she is nice until u say no. I have been pushed In front of a car .hit while driving called a bitch she says fuck you. Excuse my language i have had dislocated fingers hair pulled.i have bought so many things for her out of love but i feel she doesn't care . she demands things .there is always something if i don't do what she wants i will get struck . she is 211 pounds and i weigh120 i love her i take care of her basic needs . I feel unappreciated. She is 15 .

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      Marie sawdy 3 weeks ago

      I got punched in the face today,spit on, kicked, punched and called names. That was just today. I've been bitten multiple times to the point of almost drawing blood. I've been kicked in the stomach and repeatedly hit. I've had rocks thrown at my head. Pinched n clawed. I've been hit with objects to the point of bruises. This is just the last few weeks. This is being done by a 9 year old that has bipolar disorder, ADHD, extreme anger problems, verbally abusive and the list goes on. This is my boyfriend's daughter. His 10 year old son is in the process of being diagnosed bipolar and adhd. He is extremely verbally abusive towards me. I've been called a cunt, bitch, dumb ass, stupid, fuck face, lier, whore and more. I am strong but how much more do I have to take......

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      Dave M. 3 weeks ago

      I am 13-14 and after accidently back-handing my big sister, I can say I am an abusive child, I call people names when angry and are constantly paranoid maybe it's not as severe as the cases and comments below me,

      but thank you for showing me that I'm just a prick, not a normal teenager and need help. Cheers

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      Mag 5 weeks ago

      My Son who is 19 will spit at me name calling hit me break my belongings will take no responsibility for his actions and I have suffer this since he was 14 I don,t think he will ever change to me we will go several weeks where we get along then he will go back he then tells me its my fault he was spoilt as a child and still likes to get his own way he will tell me I am not his mother only a birth mother these are very hurtful he will lie to me and then say I am the lair he will blame me for everything so he looks good he is just a bully and as a mother I cannot take it I have thought of throwing him out of my home but he as not where to go he is also very secret about his friends he will never bring them to my home when I read the comments I as a mother can relate to this and we do suffer in silence when I go out I put on a happy face but inside my heart is breaking.

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      Lorraine 6 weeks ago

      My son who I am now 18 physically assaulted me in my home when he was banging on rented home walls after having had punched two doors in the home I have yet to repair. I am a single mom and during my sons 10th grade he had a girlfriend who lied and said she was pregnant because he broke up with her. He didn't know how to cope since people were treating him bad at school. I had to deal with his outbursts at home. His father answered I do not get along he has 6 kids going on his 4th marriages he never paid child support and never ever wanted to help my son. He turned my son agianst me k owing I am the only one who ever helped him. Well getting back to aug 14 2015 a day I will never forget my son banging on walls punching I had to make him stop I put him against the wall and yelled at him then like a monster he started punching me Amanda choking me out. I had to go to hospital my family urged me not to press charges and that was a huge mistake. I had internal ear bleeding black eyes my capillaries red from the assault. I had a nurse yell at me for not telling it was a horrible experience I was so alone and confused and the abuse didn't stop there it continues for the next year the bullying more house damage all because I listened to family members that never helped me. I had to get on medication and seek therapy while my perpetrator walks scot free. I'm the victim and I have to live this way with a person no one wants. Ive contemplated taking my life but I'm a coward and I worry for my daughter who I a kind. This is a horrible way to live and I pray the laws change because as more damage has happened to home and police comes he never gets arrested even now that I am willing to have him gone. I pray this generation gets help ans the media makes parental abuse awareness this is not the way anyone should live my son needs counseling and refuses to get it. All the policemen tell me to do is to evict him! Are they kidding with a Person who almost killed me!!! Insane!! I pray for all of us victims every day that these monsters leave us alone and may be gone to find their peace without us

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      David 6 weeks ago

      Sick to death of being abused

      Sick to death of being Humiliated

      Sick to death of being thrown pushed shoved threatend

      Sick to death at being kind loving gental thoughtful. Iam always their for them .i took them in when they had nothing. I gave them everything i had..

      My reward is i hate kids now. Iam mean old tired of working my butt to the bone for young adults who never appreciated a fucking thing.

      Mostly iam 61 just had my birthday. AND I AM SICK TO DEATH OF BEING SHOVED AGAINST A WALL AND KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR. FOR DOOING NOTHING?

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      Annabel 6 weeks ago

      I have had a long respite from my eldest difficult daughter and really feel that I have had a very very lucky escape. I adopted 2 girls aged 3 and 5, they are now both 17 and 19.

      The eldest girl has been in care since the age of 12, kept running off, police and social services involvement. Not much help given either, offering temporary respite which would include short term foster care.

      However, the day she went into foster care, I felt that a backpack full of bricks was taken of my back and given to a dozen others - what a relief. When they talk about "disfunctional families" - my experience is that you take that One disfunctional person out of the family home -- you are Functional the very Next Day !!

      On visiting her in her care home, she was telling staff how she never went anywhere or did anything. So up went 20 hours of dvd footage regarding holidays, tenerife, lanzarotti, greece, Italy, spain, france, every birthday party she had, ice skating, swimming, camping ect. That was her first big lie uncovered.

      As this story unfolds, she never came back from foster care. My partner would not have her living under his roof and as we are not married and I was the sole adopter, that was basically our get out and keep our sanity clause !!. The youngest girl was constantly picked on by her big sister and she was beginning to becomme a real bad influence on her. I was totally exhausted and depressed, not really being able to look forward to years and years of monitoring her behaviour and having to deal with the unreasonable demands ect. ie: on the home phone all day, everything seeming more unsolvable because she has a low IQ, cannot even now read or write at 19 years old and not understanding the value of a pound coin.

      Forwarding to this recent past week, she has been placed in a care home for adults over 18 and has moved withing a 40 minute drive to where we live. She wants back in the house, recently calling me a bitch on a short caravan holiday and having to come home early from the holiday as she was fighting with her sister. We have just moved house and as a family we have decided not to let her have our address. Screaming obsenities outside the door and looking for a street audience is not far from what could happen and at a previous address whereby she came for a 2 day stay did happen. She has recently found and met her birth dad, she is now saying that in the past that I slapped her. What a joke, she did the slapping on around 3 occasions and I never slapped back. Because of this accustation - I have decided that if I ever do meet up with her for a meal or the park with the dog - that I don't really want to be alone in her company - as I do not wish to be further accused falsley of abuse. Given her history, she will try to instigate a scenario of self defence in order to make a confrontation happen.

      So for all the hard work you put in as parents over the years - this is your repayment. Thank god for the youngest girl. She is 17 now and has been a joy to raise. I do know for certain that if her oldest sister would have stayed and have been here since 12 years of age, my life would be nothing like it is now.

      Probably continuosly depressed, living in a constant pig sty, as she never cleanes up and considers others her personal slaves. Her younger sister would have followed suit and I would be looking at ways to vacate, sell up and leave them to it.

      The reality is that we have a great family set up, me my partner and Shannon. I am so greatful that I never married giving me a loophole to get rid basically. Sounds harsh, but hey, she had no consideration for this families feelings whatsoever. Years of help in a home which had the expertise to help her be socially acceptable and non violent failed, although every effort made. Now that she is 19 she is realising that no one cares anymore, not at the under 18 year old level of attention. She is bored where she is, finding it difficult to cause mayhem as no one is listening. So looking to restart it here with me. Her dreams are So Large !!

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      zn 7 weeks ago

      WOW... this article is spot on point! There is a normal amount of chaos associated w/ teenagers, you expect your boundaries as a parent to be tested...thinking "what does not kill you will make you stronger" is not the logic to have in this situation. At the first signs .. real signs that there is a problem get help.. get some counseling and not the state.. or police.. or schools. Try to find some resources they are hard to find.. if you have never had to look, mental and behavioral health care in the states is hard to come by.. its very costly and there are laws for minors that even prevent the police from taking action.. Your childs life is at stake.. you may think ...its no that bad, other kids act this way.. ect. The truth is the longer you wait to get help.. the harder it will be to reach them. I am speaking from 2 years of stay at home dad experience. Were a pretty typical home 2 parents 2 kids.. one 15 one 12... Our son the 15 year old has been on the steady decline for about.. the last 18 months.. it has all byt destroyed us.. running away, contantly.. started w/ normal stuf.. not cleaning room doing dishes chores..ect.. then school, then kicked out of school... then not going to new school then.. Breaking into cars.. which they got a hand gun from a backpack in a car.. .and robbed some 16 other cars.... he is now facing 14 felony charges of robbery with a fire arm... SO.. this kids went from xbox.. to robbing blocks in about 6 months flat or less.. the Progression was fast..fortunately Im only looking at upcoming court dates... not an coming funeral... im a step parent ... his mother has given up - she is at a total loss and devastated.. Everyday we end up fighting over his behavior.. and the results of his actions.. I have had to threaten to call 911 as my last resort when things escalate.. any damage to the house or threats of violence... CALL the police.. I hate to say that im not a fan.. of the cops but.. you cant do much else, they grow so quickly and in a world that is not forgiving ..stay steady w/your discipline.. DO NOT ENABLE there behavior.. remain calm.. and whatever you do.. respond to the REDFLAGS.. TRUST your instincts as a parent.. do research.. do your homework.. reach out to support groups ... No one else knows your child as well as you do.. and chances are if you stop fighting it...or feeding into it.. you can cope better. Loosing your cool.. your mind.. and your heart will not help the situation. Good luck.. many prayers one love! ~zn

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      rina 8 weeks ago

      I am 67 years and my son is on adult with children few years ago I suffered severe panic attacks I called my son because I was scared and I though I was going to die my son told me on the phone woman get hold of yourself, another time I called from the airport if he could pick me up and because I didn't say thank you he started to yell at me and told me that I should be thankful that he picked my ass from the airport I have helped with his own children on my day off I would go over his home and take care of my grandchildren and also when him and his wife go away for 3 days and day 3 children and they are well behaved

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      Dawn. 8 weeks ago

      Great article! Really hit home. I was consistently got, bitten,kicked, spat at. It was so hard my partner wouldn't believe his daughter was doing this. She is disabled and came to.live with us after traumatic experiece and after we found out a bad up bringing. I loved her and tried my best she became attached to me and obsessed. Even to the point she didnt want me sitting by or talking to her dad cus she said I should just be for her. My partner started believe once he saw the finger mark bruises on my arm and chest. She refused to do most anythings she was asked. Social services knew but they didn't care i was told to try to move out of the way! I'm disabled myself and needing an operation. Then the false allegations started first against at her dad then when i refused to leave him against me. Social believed her the abuse got worse. The allegations were investigated and were dropped but social still believed her. We had to place her in care partly for her as we cudnt manage, and to protect ourselves and our other child same age who saw it happening. 5 months on we still see her n I'm happier in some ways but the guilt I feel, the failure of not being able to help her, the family is so damaged we r clawing our way through this. I'm getting nighmares which I'm trying to work through. It really is awful that we have no support as the article says others get support for different things. I would love to have the strength to setup a self help group there must be so many people suffering in silence like i did. I was too embarrased to tell people except those so close to me. But when i finally did they were very supportive and reassured me it wasn't my fault. I hope you think about a fb page. I would be happy to be involved. Stay strong everyone.

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      Lacey 8 weeks ago

      I am a counselor and have been working with a mother/grandmother who is in crisis as her adult children choose to verbally abuse her. It is a very difficult issue when it's the children against an aging parent. This mother was verbally abused when she was growing up and her reaction to her own issues have spilled over on some of her children (not all of them). Her husband is not supportive of her and does not show any comfort to her. The only thing she can do is apply "tough love" and place the abusive children in the closet of her mind, and focus on the children who does respect and love her. We all go through estrangement of one kind or another with family, friends or co-workers. It is a human frailty to encourage us to feel better. Anyone can have a bad day, but when it becomes a constant in our daily lives, it is best to refocus our energies into something that we love to do. Issues usually tend to resolve themselves as they become like a stale slice of bread with no strong relevance for us, but can make a tasty treat for a bird. It reminds me of the quote of "time heals", but our own dislike/anger keeps it alive. You must heal yourself before you are worthy of trying to heal another. For everyone on here may God give you joy and a day worth living.

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      With held 2 months ago

      Last night I witnessed two of partners daughter one 14 years old the other 25 years bullied there mum so much that she ended up in the corner crying , I wanted to step in but she made me promise never to intervene. I was total shocked and felt physically sick listening and watching them . After what seem like ages ( about a minute ) I stood up and stood in front of there mum until they stopped .when they realised that they couldnt have direct eye contact with there mum they stopped. Problem i have is what to do ?. Her mum's say leave it everything is ok but I can't just forget what I witnessed . It makes me wonder do they do this when I'm not there .

      Any suggestions please PLEASE help me to do the right thing. As for her daughters I can't even look or even chat to them , as far as I'm concerned they don't exist.

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      Despert 2 months ago

      I have a huge problem both my kids have attack me and I don't know what else to do

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      I'm a teenager 2 months ago

      Some of it is right but calling the police can be a bad idea if It is not serious - like what happened recently ... i will now never talk to my mum again because she did that I will never trust her either -

      It was not serious and the police even said my mum over reacted and she was the one who actually caused the incident

      And yes I have problems but it's mainly to do with my mum neglecting me and my sister - dad was away when this happened - but if he was there it wouldn't have happened - anyway I'm willing to never speak to her again until I die because she betrayed my trust -

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      Mary Gib 2 months ago

      Can you please help

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      Jodie B. 2 months ago

      I know this post is from 8 years ago, but it is still relevant today. My family and I were a victim of our son, and he no longer lives with us. My heart breaks every day, I miss him so much, and I hope, as you say, the empathy and compassion will come to him one day. We have not been victims of abuse, either before or since, so it wasn't historical. It has been devastating; family have turned against us, blaming us for his behaviour (of course, he is perfect now he is living with his aunt) and cutting us off entirely. We were even accused of not being victims, despite his threat to kill me, constant damage to our home, my husband having two black eyes, and our younger children terrified of him. It's coming up to a year since it happened, and not a day goes by that I don't want to rewind, do something different, anything different, to prevent what happened. Thank you for your post, I will see if I can find your Facebook page.

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      Tracie Tyler 3 months ago

      I giving up my parental rights this child is 16 and does not listen to anyone. He needs to be removed from my home. I am tired of telling him the right road to choose. He got all of this from his father who is a marijuana smoker his self, he showed this child no type of respect and now he thinks he can get high in my home. I want him removed immediately.Too disrespectful and he needs more than I can offer.,

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      Pete 3 months ago

      Hi, just wanted to say as a father of a teenage girl who has completely gone off the rails now refusing to come home so is placed in foster care against my will, this is very traumatic as a parent that did so much for her, there is a clear feeling from social services that your in some way to blame, it is completely heart breaking, CAMHS are even saying the treatment she needs they cannot give but if she is in social services care they have the fund, wrong they say they haven't and cannot, you have to fight like a war to get any help, it's a joke, NICE guidelines for NHS is to provide treatment for PTS and they are simply passing the buck, which then ends with family's paying the price fighting for the help instead of working and children put in foster care at £££ per week when actually all they had to do in the first place was do there job like the rest of us, my daughter has broken me she's swares at me, pushes me and shouts at me, she punches her mother and shoplifts, all she's needs is treatment and love and not to taken away from her family cos social services think so, I call for all to lobby MP s and demand that NHS financial managers are made to demand the resources they need in order that the caring nurses and doctors can make our next generation better,

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      kid 3 months ago

      If a parent is being abused by their own child, the person who they've been given countless opportunities to change their relationship with, then they deserve it. If you can't stand up to this person, because you're afraid of losing them, then you deserve this life. If you can't stand to face your fear, then who the hell do you expect to stand up for you.

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      Mccshe 3 months ago

      My brother has been physically assaulted by his 26 year old daughter who has a son is unmarried and lives off of him. As a family member can I report her for abuse and who do I contact.?

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      Ken 3 months ago

      My 17 yr old son has scared everyone in our house the says he gonna kill himself.i have had to restrain him.the last time he threatened to cut his sister head off and spell her name in blood.he left the house and nasty calls and text started.we spoke to the police who told us get a ppo.i didnt.we decided as long as he was out of house all was good.police pic him up cause of suicide threats.cps called and the agent laughed at sin allegations.i thought that all was over 1 month from episode.cps dropped case I figured he now 18.he can live his life ..came home and found a letter that he has a warrant for telecommunication harassment..i feel like I have failed, I am lost.i want to run to him and help.it will be more of a scare thing for him w the warrant.but it will push our relationship even farther apart...please give me help or advice.thank you

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      Donna Whitener 4 months ago

      Hello

      I am a victim of abuse, (it's gotten worse over 4 years) by my now 17 year old. We were on Beyond Scared Straight in 2014 due to the abuse and bullying. I was once a strong, willed woman. A proud mom. But I've been beaten down, waiting and wandering what is next, how much longer, how much more? Sometimes I don't want to wake up, but I have a 15 who endures it as well. I must awake for him. I love them both, and I used to love me.

      I need support.

      DW

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      sue 4 months ago

      Well it started with my 14 y o son being groomed by an 18 y. O drug dealer at his school. No one listened to me. No i couldn't move him without his consent. Social services tried to get my to leave my partner and put son in group home. Fast forward to now. We got through this i thought he cleaned up got a job was doing well. All of a sudden ice. Total break down of my family. Sold the family home to force my eldest son to move because I was afraid he would be killed. Nightly rampages with swords through the house by ice fueled younger son. Split with my then partner and called the cat team who admitted my son. Ff to next year. Hospital will only keep them until symptoms of psychosis disappear. Now i have an out of work homeless som whom I have just had to call police on as he assaulted my in my home. Slammed my head into wall and muffling my mouth with his hand. He is 22 and the police let him go. This is Australia. Ps my eldest son happily employed since 18 and a good provider already. It cannot be all me! Support each other people's.

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      Crystal 5 months ago

      Wow. What a great article. Recently my dear elderly mum passed away. I was privileged to be with her at the hospital, holding her hand and stroking her hair. She was a beautiful human being. I do know my Mum is in heaven and for her I am happy and know in time the sadness for myself will become less and less.

      I suppose now, in light of this and appreciating more than ever, my Mum's love and the many things she has done for me, it makes the behaviour of my daughter, all the more shocking, although it is not new.

      My 16 year old, sometimes, I can hardly believe the things she says. So cruel and cutting it is almost beyond belief. In trying to come to terms with my Mum's passing, I find it now, more than before, so astoundingly cruel the types of things she says, that I feel I am becoming numb.

      At first I put it down to, it must be I am still recovering my Mum's passing. But, I believe the accumulation of the many absolutely cruel things my daughter says to me, are just taking their toll. From saying I look like an ugly whore to things like, ' I hope you have a car accident and get killed.'

      Sometimes she is speaking in anger, but it is just so unfathomable that any body could be able to say frequently such cruel things, and especially to your mum, who loves you so much. I am no saint, and have said my fair share of horrible things over the many years, but cannot remember, getting to the point, it was normal and that these things were ok.

      Mother's Day has become a huge sadness... I find my brain just cannot deal with this.

      I love my children more than anything on this earth, so am at a loss for words or feelings.

      The options.... take away her phone?? Not drive her places? Well, she is happy to walk and put herself in dangerous situations at night and other times....hitchhiking from strangers or strange people. Take away her phone?... this is actually something she bought with her own work money and pays for her own credit. On school nights I do limit it as much as I can, but as you can imagine how fun that can be.

      I believe this type of speech has almost become the norm with social media and movies, making it 'cool'.

      I am grateful to have this site, if nothing else, as a place to share what seems so bizarre and unreal, not something anyone should have to deal with on a regular basis.

      The fact that it is coming from someone I love so much is the hurtful thing.

      I am studying at University and am well aware of Domestic Violence among partners. To be able to have a handle on this issue is a way to get help, for as the author has said, it is a subject that not a lot has been said about it.

      I have had my son who has mental health issues, be aggressive, but it is these shocking things that my daughter says, that seem so much more cruel and unreal.

      My daughter who I love and have taught as best I can, to be a kind person, kind to people and animals and to feel others pain. I know this is a stage and try to remind myself, I was a real b at that age. I do feel for my dear Mum who put up with me, and wonder how she coped. It certainly can't have been easy. Did she feel numb like me? Did she have support?

      I hope anyone out there who may be experiencing something similar, can take comfort in what I have written that they are not alone.

      Keep up your site.

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      TamaraDodge 5 months ago

      I live in the United States, my husband and I cant' leave our home together, or leave the house un occupied....even when locked. Our one son will be 20 in less than 2 weeks. He has been violent, distructive, uncooperative, abusive, drinks, breaks all rules, steals from us and others in the house, screams no matter the situation to scare us into letting him have his way. Calls us every name in the book, has destroyed appliances, electronics, clothing, my home and my landscaping. He has blown out pilots on gas stove...and not told me. He has hidden knives in the house, he has baited us into altercations to the point where wnhen he gets us at the end of our limit of sanity...he starts recording as though we were the problem. He has started fires, busted water pipes that did 30k in damage to our home, He has destroyed his bedroom that I worked so hard to renovate, he's a complete slob. 3 weeks ago he told me if i put him out and his stuff. He will burn down my house. We have 11 kids, he and his twin are the only ones we've had trouble with, the other is trying to do better, but his issues were nothing like this one, and we didn't do anything wrong.

      They have always had, rules, but this one thinks because he has such a high IQ, he is above them all.

      I don't drink, do drugs, hang out with anyone, I have always been there for them. I've always tried to set a good example. Anytime I have ever attempted to have a job, they (especially him) has caused so many problems, I've had to quit so I could be home to try to stave off attacks on my property by a child that I have done nothing to!

      The police thow their arms up when i tell them and show them pics of where he has hit me and my husband and say "what do you want us to do?"

      I'm lost!

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      Joy Fisher 5 months ago

      I have been suffering from the most horrendous mental abuse from my daughter since she was 13, she is now 18 with a baby boy of 7 months and still living at home. The abuse erased off for a while but has returned. I'm at the end but to make matters worse my husband hasn't really stepped in and supported me which makes my daughter think it's ok to treat me like that. I cannot get through to him at all and it's hell, I just want to run away from it all.

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      Jennifer 6 months ago

      I am a single mother in the state of Virginia. My 17 year old daughter got​ sent to detention today for two days. She turns 18 in three days. Her father is absent and lives in a different country. No child support-ever. I also have a nine year old son in my home. My daughter's court hearing's started when she assaulted me and I called the police. She continues to skip school, which she has missed 55 days this year, and is drinking and doing drugs. She lied on the stand about the drug use today, and that is the reason she is being detained. She comes and goes as she pleases, all hours of the night, curses me when she does speak to me, brings random "friends" into my home, stays gone for days, feels free to take or use anything she wants, doesn't clean up, and when I do say anything to her she calls me names and tells me to shut the f@# up. I want to protect my son from this behavior and remove it from our home, but for the life of me, I can't find anything on my legal rights. One says that I am no longer responsible once she is 18, one says I have to support her until she is 19, or graduates from high school if she is a full time student. Is she a full time student if she goes to school 6 days in a month? Do I have to give her written notice? If so, how far in advance? Can I get a protective order to keep her away from my son and I? Tried asking a lawyer and one said he didn't know any of my answers, and one said he would look into it for $150. She gets out on Thursday and turns 18 on Friday. It's Tuesday-please help.

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      Lesley 7 months ago

      I'm going through this and My child is only 5.

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      tj 7 months ago

      I fill so sorry for anyone that has to live through the abuse this boy has changed my life

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      renee 7 months ago

      What about teens who mentally, verbally, and emotionally abuse their non custodial parent and step parent?

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      peachy 19 months ago from Home Sweet Home

      is swearing, cursing and name calling by children are considered as abuse too?

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      StepMomWhoCares 20 months ago

      I would like to start out by saying I love all my children.I have been dealing with what seems to be a direct dose of parent abuse. My partner of 8 years has a son.from day one I called him my son and treat him no different from the other children.He has in last 4 years started abusing me using manipulation,verbal abuse ,physical abuse ,even lies to try and sway his point.His teachers and school are having issues with him also. I spend lots of time with his teachers at the school trying to help.the facts are I'm asking them for help also I'm at a loss.I don't know what to do .His father works 7 days a week and he don't want to believe or see what's going on here. I moved my mother in when I was cornered with the idea that it's me.she has experience and very resourceful on abuse subjects.I almost felt I needed a second opinion but I'm very convinced it's not me at this point.my mother has witnessed his abuse to me ,her now ,and other children.I have taken many videos ,called cops numerous times .everyone is so set on ( children's rights ) that when faced with many videos of him hitting me in back ,hitting other children ,hitting my mother it's viewed as cute or normal.this disturbs me.yesterday he with his father witness on phone stood to me and said boldly he was going to go get a knife. I have removed knives from his room. When his father approceed the issue with well what did you do to spark him off ? Wait soooo,I sparked him !!! How does one spark someone to pull a knife and it be justified.he has pulled pencils on me also why he claims because I'm NOT his mom (Help Me) he also is on tape saying in his outburst he will go and report me for child abuse I feel I always have to have my record button on me at all times for my protection.I hate to think there's noting I can do for him and will have to walk away to protect myself my mother and other children.His father don't have issues from him as he's always ready to be his personal attorney. Someone's always the reason he does what he does. But I have to ask myself how many adults will it take to finally get his dad to admit he has some firm of problems and needs some help. More than I can give him because I'm not rightfully his mother.I feel tag teamed here.

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      Wolfsauge 20 months ago

      Great article, but a bit limited in perspective from my point of view. Shocking stories in the comments..

      Abuse of the parents by the children is an especially challenging kind of abuse, because as a parent you can't simply get out of the abusive relationship, as long as you're responsible for the offspring abusing you. You need a much more effective strategy of dealing with the abuse actively as a parent, than in most other cases of abuse, for example as in coeval partnerships or when you're the child, that's being abused. The strategies involved need to exceed the usual practical approaches, not only because you do not want to raise a future abuser, it's obviously in your own interest, as well.

      In the light of this I found it inspiring to follow the writings of Lisa Aronson Fontes, Ph.D., Senior Lecturer at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, who also wrote several books about abuse and controlling behaviours. On her website you can find a practical assessment checklist, which includes all those behaviours that often surround abuse.

      Her work does not only point out very practical possibilities for approaching the abuse in the form of simple defence against such behaviour, also it delivered me a new perspective on how the object of abuse (in this case: the parents) can contribute to the abuse and encourage the abuser (in this case: the child) to continue the abuse, which helped me greatly to understand more deeply what's going on. This was my first step in overcoming the abusive behaviours.

      Also, it helped me, by reflecting on the history of abuse during my own childhood and how it was a response to my own parent's neglect and abuse towards myself. Of course, understanding how abusive behaviour towards any person is usually a sign of insecurity and an attempt to control that insecurity using inappropriate measures deemed to be unsuccessful, does neither help to endure the actual abuse, nor does it help to overcome it or deal with the immediate abuse in the present of it happening to you. However, it can give the motivation to actually start going that long path towards a more satisfying relationship with your children.

      Please also do not forget that it requires the parent to be very thickly skinned, as it is usually required to address the abuse, once it has become a memory of the past, by talking to your more grown up children, in order to complete the learning. It's worth it!

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      desperate n confused 23 months ago

      Finally i dont feel alone. Ive had years and years of abuse crap and tears. Lost friends and had to walk away from people. Ive split 3 times from partner now am totally alone as family dont want to know. Social services have opened n closed my file more times than i have fingers just like cahms.

      The isolation that my home situation has resulted in has been unbearable. Its now at the stage where I've had a breakdown and who do i turn to.

      Typed in parent abuse snd your right there is NOTHING! !! Fingers will always be pointed at parents. My kid had therapy on and off for years and everytime i was told that sessions are confidential, all showing kids can be more empowered and basically encouraging secrets.

      Ive been hit kicked punched trapped and locked out of my own home. Swaren at demoralised belittled and had my things destroyed stollen and damaged. If it was a parent doing that there would be an outrage NoOnE is helping.

      Ive read the article and comments and at last i know im not going crazy its not just my home its not just me. Im writing this with so many omg tears im not alone. Im not the inly one whos had a broken bone hair pulled and verbally assaulted.

      I love both my kids but the teen has burnt every support network destroyed the family and at the end of the day almost lost me. But im still here as i know this cannot carry on forever

      Thank you for showing me hope i just wish the world would be more open to this last taboo

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      Carrie Medford 24 months ago

      I was recently assaulted by my 17 year old son and am only alive because my 25 year old daughter was able to break his grip around my throat. Living in the US, I find absolutely NO help for parents who are going through something like this. I invite anyone to look for me on Facebook ( facebook dot com / soshotout )or through my blog at CarrieAMedford dot com. Not having the support and resources there for us is NOT acceptable. In fact, I am required by law to bring him back into my home with his younger brothers with NO regard to our safety. Something must be done to change how instances like this are dealt with.

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      sunflower456 2 years ago

      hi things are getting better. there is hope. My daughter has had such a turn around. She is working, maturing and is nothing like she use to be. Nothing. I'll write more at a later time, but I just want to say there is hope....

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      kaytee 2 years ago

      i have beeen going through parental abuse for about 4 or five years now. it is one of the worst things i have experienced. My stomach stays in a knot because i never know whats going to happen from one minute to the next. I have had tv's, art work, statues , walls , furniture and more destroyed. on top of Physical and verbal abuse. It hurts to think that our own child can do this to you especially when you are the only one thats always in her corner even when she does wrong. it hurts so much but now its time for tough love. i have contemplated taking my own life on more than one occasion... its not healthy. God help me.

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      Judith2 2 years ago

      I came across this site after searching the web for help for parents abused by adult children. Quite a bit of it is my fault. I was the family scapegoat in my family of origin and regularly abused by my sister and mother. My father just stood idly by and drank. Interestingly, I also was expected to pull all their irons out of the fire. So I was the scapegoat and the family rescuer at the same time. A no win situation.

      My mother was a diagnosed narcissist with borderline features. She did her best to turn all of our relatives against me, all of my neighbors and especially my children. She was quite successful with my oldest daughter. My oldest son finally saw the light and did an immediate 180 turn around and began treating me with respect. But it wasn't until he was almost thirty.

      My two oldest daughters, 42 and 41 are very abusive. They have done all in their power to take away my younger children from me, including siding with their abusive step father in his parental alienation of me with our daughter and taking her from me via court. His parents paid his legal fees as he has always lived with them and never supported himself. They went so far as to mortgage their home to pay his fees to keep harassing me in court. My youngest daughter was not allowed to speak of me or to call me mom. His meth addict girlfriend was to be called "Mom". She was arrested for cooking and selling meth with children in the trailer. Proof positive on television.

      I graduated with my BSN one year after my youngest was born. I worked hard to provide a nice single family home in a middle income neighborhood for my children with much adversity from my mother and my two ex husbands. Unfortunately I have been very foolish in choosing men. I believe that you repeat what you don't learn. I learned to pick narcissists for partners as that is what I grew up with for a mother.

      Many years of counseling helped tremendously, however, I was told by a counselor that I was too willing to "negotiate" and "hear my kids out" when I should have set more clear and firm boundaries. My kids resorted to verbal abuse at about the age of 13 or 14. This is, after all, what they witnessed with my mother, sister and their fathers.

      I raised my second daughter's handicapped son who was born three months premature due to his father throwing my daughter down the stairs to try to induce an abortion. Still this daughter made excuses and denied his behavior. She was 15 when she married him. I did not give consent. Her boyfriend snuck her out of the house, called her father, who had nothing to do with her and her siblings for several years, to sign for them to marry. Utah since then has a law that a non custodial parent cannot sign for a minor to marry. Too late for me. He marched right down with a copy of the license and stopped his lousy $50 per month support.

      I know I am rambling, but, I have to admit that I enabled their abuse. I have bent over backwards to keep this family together, pay and cook big holiday dinners, help with medical and dental costs for married children, etc, etc etc ad nauseum and still get attacked whenever I even attempt to set a limit or say no.

      I raised my mentally and physically challenged grandson since he was discharged from the care center at the age of 19 months because my daughter refused and asked me to take him until she could learn to care for him. Needless to say, she never made an attempt. Now that he is 24, she expects that she can take him for extended overnight visits whenever she desires without my input. When I told her she needed to consult with me first and to bring him home, she became very verbally abusive and fowl mouthed. Name calling, insults and threats. Tonight was the first time I told her I would not tolerate her verbal abuse ever again.

      I will call my attorney tomorrow and submit a motion to the court as his legal guardian and conservator, for her to have only supervised visitation with the court. I am 60 years old and have tolerated way too much abuse. I am done. I really don't care if I have any contact with three of my children ever again and an leaning in that direction with the other two. Sad, but, they can blame me all they want, I provided for them far more than they ever provided for their own children. My children stayed in their own home in a nice neighborhood. I worked hard to provide a secure home environment and provide sports and lessons. They have only themselves to blame for their horrendous behavior. My custody attorney told me almost twenty years ago after interviewing them that he hated to say it, but my kids are horrible. And, it is true. I have no desire to reconnect or have any relationship with them what so ever. They don't contribute in any positive way to our relationship. Just aggravation, pain and heart ache. As I said, I'm done.

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      Deborah 2 years ago

      I read these pages for the first time two years ago ago. I was relieved to know I was not alone.

      My 17 year old daughter has spent most of her time between the ages of 12 and 16 being being verbally, financially, and physically abusive to me. My ex husband and I had shared custody of her until she lied to the police about him striking and pushing her. He was found guilty of domestic abuse of a minor.

      After my ex lost custody, my daughter moved in with me full time. In the first 30 days, she called the police on me--for no reason-- twice. The officers recognized what was happening and read her the riot act.

      She trashed my 20 year old music cd collection, destroyed some of my framed art, ran away multiple times, threw away good food from my fridge, shoplifted. She found and destroyed the journal I was keeping of her actions.

      She was as sweet as pie to everyone else in the world.

      I got her into group, family, and residential counseling. None of it did much good. She habitually lied about almost everything.

      She convinced my only sibling, a sister, that I was a monster and that she was an innocent victim of two twisted parents.

      The abuse stopped when I proved to her I was ready to toss all of her things and let her sleep on the floor. I let her know that if that didn't work, I would tell the court what she'd been up to and ask the judge to send her back to her dad. Foster care would be her final destination if her dad couldn't take her.

      We live in the same space, but don't speak more than ten words a day to each other.

      The physical abuse abuse has ended. She told me last month that she thinks I an old and ugly and she hates me and wishes me dead. I told her I didn't care what she thougbt, but that if she took any action, she'd go to jail for it. I sleep behind a locked door each night.

      I am disowning her when she finishes her senior year of high school (in eleven months). We live in the States.

      I have no guilt about it because she has no remorse for what she has done. She blames me for everything she doesn't like about her life. If she doesn't leave my home--an apartment--I will leave and let her deal with the landlord.

      Prayers have gotten me through up to this point. I am sure I'll need counseling in order to recover completely. This has been a war and the final chapter isn't quite over.

      I look forward to reclaiming more and more of my life. Right now, I am taking small steps each week to rebuild my life and myself.

      Wishing everyone here the best.

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      Harriet 2 years ago

      I'm worried sick about my son and don't know what to do.

      He doesn't live with me because he is abusive towards myself and my younger son. He destroys my property when he doesn't get his own way and pushes me around, and won't let anyone sleep so there is no way I can have him back under my roof.

      He currently lives with a friend who has asked him to leave. Don't know the exact circumstances. He has no where to go. He probably can't use the local housing associations as they've kicked him out, for not paying rent and destruction of property.

      He wants me to be guarantor but he already owes me in excess of £1500 and constantly tells me parents should pay for there children. So I know the minute my name was on a lease agreement he wouldn't pay. That and the fact he destroys things he would break me financially. I'm still trying to pay for all the damage he's done to my house.

      What options are there for him?

      Really worried, really down. I have to keep him out and can't help him financially. But it would break my heart to think of him on the street. But don't feel I have an alternative.

      Can't turn to his father because he's washed his hands of him. Don't know how to help him.

      I need to protect my younger son, who is doing A - levels at the moment. And has finally come out of his shell and his doing well, after years of bullying behaviour from his brother. He is the totally opposite of his brother, he is sweet, caring and loving.

      The eldest was diagnosed with ADHD at 12, but refused his medication at 14.

      Totally gutted. And no one to turn to.

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      Bella 2 years ago

      I'm so glad to see someone taking notice of this issue. My sons are 17 and 19. My youngest son doesn't give me a moment of worry, I thank God every day for him. My oldest son is a different story. He was always a good kid. Normal issues, but loving and sweet. At 16 he threatened to kill himself if we didn't let him drop out of school. Ultimately we let him as we felt we had no choice. In the last year and a half he has changed. He calls me nasty names, he's destroyed my house breaking things, vandalized my car just among a few things. He has assaulted his dad. His father won't hit back because of the way the law works. Plus we don't want to hurt our child. I was so close to this boy and desperately miss him, but who he has become terrifies me. He's taken over my home, friendshere all the time, with no regard to the fact that we have to work in the morning. We are uncomfortable in our own home. We walk eggshells waiting for the next explosion. I've threatened to throw him out but he said if I did he'd kill himself. There is no solution here and I just can't handle much more.

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      dee 2 years ago

      what happens when its your son who is 28 years old

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      finished 2 years ago

      My son is nearly 25 years old and has been displaying these kinds of behaviour for so long, it became normal. I am from SA and this kind of thing is not spoken of here. He has been shouting, screaming, stealing, cutting himself and finally pushing me around. I am married to a wonderful man, but I feel I cannot tell that to him, as he will not allow him to come near us at all. We stay in such a small town and everybody knows each other. His brother, who is 18 months older, is the most caring and responsible person. The younger son cannot keep a job, cannot have a relationship, uses drugs. We also have a business and he comes in at night and steal the money from the safe. I am finished and feel like a total looser. He was not sexually abused, although I did smack him on his bum when he was smaller and misbehaved. I did the same to his brother and his brother does not abuse me. He swears at me horribly and calls me all kinds of names. This is a problem that started in his later years and not when he was young. He was always a dare devil and busy, but never abusive!!

      Thank you for just being able to voice my thoughts although I have no idea what to do.

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      sadlife 2 years ago

      theres nothing we can do. people dont change.they born this way. doesnt matter the age. they can only change if they wont to. not many do. every one will say is your fault, its not, its your damn luck to be in this. This kids born like this thats my believe. we can only speak back with love and pray for a miracle. no one cares if you are in this situation, nothing will help, doctors, or police or what so ever, you are alone, try not to help then get mad, yes DONT HELP THEM GET MAD, be nice.

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      charlienbella 2 years ago

      Im at my witts end my 14 year old stands at 6ft tall no longer attends education shoplifts steals literary everything from house does nothing but swear shout and constantly intimidate me im a single mum who works hard also have his brother living at home im in constant fear of him 12 referrals have gone into childrens service within 2 weeks due to his behaviour. He has also lied to police saying i abuse him im feeling so stressed and panicking constantly please can anyone help me.

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      at wits end 2 years ago

      So what if your child is not yet a teen and doing all those things?. Yes my child was abused when she was a young child and her mother walked out on her four years ago. Getting her help isnt working or at least fast enough if we keep going at this rate she will have killed me or one of her sisters by the time she is 13. Her workers know about all of it they don't care there statement is its understandable. The hospital says as long as she isnt hurting herself there is nothing they can do. Really!!!!!!!!!! My house is locked up like a darn prison so my family is safe. This is truely insane. I cannot even begin to tell you how I feel.

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      Katrina 2 years ago

      I was an abuser to my mother when I was younger and living at home with her. I had an undiagnosed at the time mental illness and I stayed in the house all the time. I had been sexually abused in my teens and blamed my poor mother for everything. I took my anger out on her but after coming to Christ, I realize I was wrong and I deeply regret the things I did. There really does need to be more help for parents who are enduring this in silence.

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      Harriet 2 years ago

      My son has been hard work since he was 4, but started to become abusive and destructive from the age of 8.

      I have had CAHMS involved totally useless. I tried to get help from Social Services, even though he was abusing his younger brother they didn't care as long as I wasn't a threat to him.

      They did threaten to take me to court, if he hurt his younger brother. He was 15 at this stage breaking things throwing things at me at his brother.

      He threw books at me, while I was critically ill, and told me afterwards I deserved it.

      I had to get the police out because I eoke up to him attacking his younger brother. He wouldn't get in the car the next day, and asked if he'd get anything if I died. My tyre blew out on the way into town, it had been slashed.

      The final straw came a few weeks later, he'd been verbally swearing at me all day and breaking everything in sight, my younger son asked him to stop and he turned on him.

      I threw him out, he went to live with his dad who became concerned for the safety of his wife and 2 year old daughter. He threw him out 5 months later.

      He lived with friends for about two years and was thrown out. I had him back because I felt sorry for him. Wow that was a mistake he was alright for 4 weeks then the verbal abuse started. I asked him if he would look for somewhere else to live. He trashed my house so I threatened him with the police and he left.

      Again I had him back 6 months he was holding a job down and I really thought he'd turned himself round. Again what a mistake started bullying the dog because it upset me. Wouldn't let me sleep, lost his job and dragged his ill brother out of bed to make tea. Started trashing the house again and I eventually got the police involved. Once to get him out, the second time to tell him to leave me alone.

      I hope I have the strength to keep him out this time. And at arms length.

      I feel incredibly sad that it has come to this. But don't think he will ever change. I believe he needs help. Tried to get it when he was a child. Only he can ask for it now.

      The police have been fantastic but more support is needed to help families before it reaches crisis point.

      It has helped reading other people's comments.

      Thank you for letting me express my thoughts.

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      Theresa 2 years ago

      I found this movie, and did not know if you had seen it or not. I thought it might be of interest to the group

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBCIkNOXt74

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image
      Author

      Lou Purplefairy 2 years ago from Southwest UK

      facebook group is called The Silent Suffering of Parents and Carers Abused by Children. Its a closed group, but not secret and we have almost 200 members. We are not alone. If you want anonymity, I suggest you set up an separate facebook account under s pseudonym just to access this group. No spammers please, because I will delete those posting rayban ads, ugg boot ads and spell casting ads without question and ban you from the group permanently. We've been through enough without being subjected to yet more crap.

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      C Clark 2 years ago

      What is the name of the Facebook account? I suffer from parent abuse and have no where to turn!

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      june 2 years ago

      hi where is your fb site ?? i saw a Scottish , Aussie based Psychologist , Eddie Gallagher. well worth reading his website. cheers june ps i am the only person i have met. with this..

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      june 2 years ago

      my life is ruined because of this and the judgemental interference of others, who could and would not believe it happened. Rather that it was the other way, which i have heard from specialist psychologist, the kids can reverse the blame.

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      Annie 3 years ago

      I have been abused by son for 10 years now. He is 17 now. It began after separation from his Dad which was an amicable breakup but turned once I actually left. My son was subject to an incredible amount of denigration about me from his father & his family. He movedto live with his parents & in turn via the court & "maternal alienatin" my son lived with him for a year. My husband was diagnosed with a right front lobal brain tumor shortly after separation. It had been there for the majority of our marriage & upon diagnosis I was given closure & understanding for why we separated. I had been trying to get him to a doctor for years for headaches & change in behaviour but he refused. Over the past decade there has not been a period of time that my son & I have not been involved in some form of counselling, psycholotherapy. Friends, family, teachers, school counsellors have all been trying to help - I have always made sure that there be a support network for him. I have a younger son, now 13 who has only recently broken down & had enough. He is now in counselling. Police intervention started 5 years ago. The latest case was in court a fortnight ago & he is on a 'good behaviour bond', living with his paternal grandparents. I have continued to financially support him everytime he has been there for respite & continued to help with transport etc. I have had both boys involved in lots of sport & out of school activities since Dad died, both are very talented. The boys are chalk and cheese in most ways. The abuse has been daily in a verbal fashion being told constantly that he wishes I was dead, that he would like to smash my head in, that I'm a terrible mother & have never done anything for him, that I am too scared to take more police action because I couldn't live without him and am too pathetic to do anything. I have had bruises, broken veins. I live in a rental property and have 3 broken doors, hole in wall where plaster has come out from slamming door so often, the items that have been broken over the years are too many to list but include personal effects like special ornaments to my car taillight ($400 replacement). He was sentenced to go on a Treatment Intervention Program a year ago and was to engage in counselling, had a 2 psychiatric assessments to check that there was no slight borderline disorder or chemical imbalance which there was not. Remorse has been near zero. I stopped work due to migraines becoming part of my life a few years back & also because of the stress and severe depression, anxiety & a panic disorder. I was a vibrant, confident, outgoing, involved in everything, coordinating school sports programs, exercising daily, working daily, loads of friends, a boyfriend who I've known for 25 years. I have isolated myself totally for a couple of years. There are times when I really don't feel like being here but as I have a beautiful younger son who loves me to bits and makes sure he lets me know daily; and having lost a best friend to suicide I would never hurt myself - its a matter of just not wanting to be here in this particular situation. Despite all the counselling, police/court dealings still the last 5 days everyday I have been verbally abused & threatened, had a glass thrown and smashed all over the place, motioned to punch me but stopped saying how he would love me to be dead and he'd love to smash my head in. He has told me that his grandfather said if I try to report or arrest him again he will get a good lawyer against ME!!! I have rung the police and they want me to report him again. It is so draining & distressing just making a report but I feel I have to. I have known of adult domestic violence (emotional & physical) abuse. If you look at the diagram of the Cycle of Domestic Violence it is a mirror image of my situation. It is no different to adult domestic violence, he feels and acts like he has total control of me and the situation and that he can demand what he wants & if he doesn't get it look out..... Only today I have told him that I'm cutting off totally, revoking financial responsibility. I receive sickness benefits & will tell them next week that he is no longer here. My payment will be cut & it will be very hard to make ends meet.... I refuse to have to move & upheave my youngest as a result of all of this. I believe as a mother we think that we should be able to help our children no matter what and when something so extreme is occurring it is gut wrenching, sickening & totally overwhelming. I have not been out for over a year, my friends have stopped calling .... friends & family feel helpless & hopeless not knowing how to help & there really isn't anything they can do to stop the situation which I understand. I have not joined a support group but have the number of one and will. It is the hardest thing I have ever ever had to cope with. If there is a facebook page it would be most interesting. I must say when I research things like intervention programs, boot camps & other services for this kind of thing, all the interesting, valid info is in UK & USA. In Australia there is not one camp for this type of stuff. This has been an interesting read, I am glad I searched & found you. Thankyou for the opportunity to vent. If this were paper there would be a lot of smudged ink from my waterfall of tears that continues.

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      sunflower456 3 years ago

      Lou, what is the name of the facebook group ?

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      Bluejs63 3 years ago

      Hey guys!! I am so grateful to have found you, but living in the US, there are different rules. On top of that I haven't seen a story like mine: my 18 yr old son, AND his father are verbally abusive to me. They gang up on me, and I am always the reason for EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING that is going badly in their lives. We all live together and I am trying to get advise for a divorce, but my husband has told me on many occasions that he would rather not have a job (get himself fired) then to pay me alimony. We have been married 22 years. Just wonderful. I finally called the police on my son last year (while he was still a minor) because he tried to beat me up. Took my cell, my car keys, and followed me from room to room breaking down doors to prevent that call to 911. I should still call 911 on him, but he is in college on scholarship, and I think he w/b thrown off the team and his funding withdrawn. His dad sticks up for him whenever our son is around, then tries to make nice with me. Needless to say he has all the same traits of an emotional abuser. And so does our son.

      I am no longer "mad", "angry", or given to crying my eyes out because nothing changes. His father is completely useless, and so is my son. My son says all the things other parents have written about above: all the horrible names, accusations, threats and death wishes. I'm done and want to leave. Not that easy because I am in bad health and we don't even have health insurance! My husband often refuses to pay for my monthly doctors appointments. Yet another "abuser profile" tactic. His picture (and our sons) s/b in the dictionary next to the definition of emotional abuser. Has anyone got a similar situation?? I w/like to read/talk to someone that has a story most similar to mine. If you're out there and you'd be willing to help, I w/b forever grateful!! Thanks so much in advance, and thank you for having a forum where someone like me can possibly get some help!! Xoxoxo

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      kay jay 3 years ago

      Hi, im in a similar situation with my 19 year old son. He lived with his father who eventually went to prison for selling drugs. So, of course my son came to live with me. It's been 5years now and my life has been a living hell! My son started at 13 with skipping school, smoking weed and robbing other teenagers. Then he graduated to punching holes in the walls of every place we lived. He's trashed my house in my ways he's trashed my car now he had tha nerves to pull a gun out and shoot in the air at me. Im truly hurt, this is my only child but i had to put him out and really i want nothing to do with him ever! Am i wrong for feeling like this?

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      Lor 3 years ago

      I found this page after having another weekend from hell with my 12 year old daughter. I am very protective I don't let her out unless I am dropping and picking up and know exactly where she is I am gradually giving her a bit more freedom but nowhere near as much as her friends parents , today started ok she went to meet friends this afternoon when we got home I was busy doing chores and went upstairs and found her in my room on my bed eating and drinking . My room is off limits and she knows this but refused to get out , she then started verbally abusing me and swearing . I asked her to go to her room and do her homework she refused so I asked her for her iPad she refused again so I turned the wifi off . This sparked a huge scene more name calling and swearing . She then went into my bag took my phone and started being more abusive reading out my texts etc. I grabbed my phone out of her hand after she refused to hand it over, I turned around and then was knocked to the floor by a violent kick to my lower back. I was crying in pain and she laughed at me. The verbal abuse continued for about 3 hours I remained totally calm and have now shut myself in my room to get away from the situation . I am a single parent trying to hold down a stressful job and she is a twin her poor sister ends up suffering too . I don't want her here this abusive behaviour is constant. Last week she refused to go to school and I had to leave her as the scene she caused was making me late for work. She is out of control and I feel weak And useless. Have tried taking privileges away but everyone ends up suffering at the moment the wifi is my only power and the one thing I know she can't live without but every time I show discipline things get worse

    • chemsluc profile image

      chemsluc 3 years ago

      very important and critical subject neglected by modern society!!!

      the parents nowdays have no more respect or wrights!

      young people of today...you will be old parents soon, very soon...

      There is a need for laws and education to allow parents a quiet life...

      thanks to you Lou for this critical subject...

    • Lou Purplefairy profile image
      Author

      Lou Purplefairy 3 years ago from Southwest UK

      Those wishing to join the facebook group but what to remain anonymous, I suggest setting up a separate account, just for that. We can keep the closed group moderated, but as I have stated before, a secret group is no longer an option. No one can find it if its secret which kinda defeats the object.

      On the subject of adopted kids and Reactive Attachment Disorder and the traumatised child, check out the work of Bryan Post. His techniques not only work, but the explanation why they work is a revelation to most parents, adopted and non adopted alike. Check out the Post Institute. I'd give you the link, but the hub will get pulled for "violations" so just google it.

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      Cate 3 years ago

      Wow - so may posts. I left a domestic violent relationship 3 yrs ago & 2 of my boys ended up with their father. They were becoming abusive at that time towards me and the courts gave him custody. I did not see them for a year and a half and now they have gradually returned into my life, with a high level of conflict & aggressive behaviour. My youngest is not aggressive. My middle child has decided to live more with me now, though he is incapable of attending school due to aggressive behaviour. So we are attempting distant ed. There are explosions & abusive behaviour. With each episode we start again. And today even though contents of the fridge we thrown at the wall and I was kicked to the level of bruising we were able to focus on the fact that he did not punch into the walls as he did a week ago. He was remorseful, helped by the fact that we did not get rid of him and that we started again. Tomorrow is another day. I am forever hopeful, that love, fresh starts and the paeditrician will show my sons that there is an opportunity to heal. The abuse if real and there is no excuse. It is enough to be abused by your partner and shattering to then be abused by your children. It is so good that we are able to talk about this.

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      Becky 3 years ago

      I struggle daily with my just turned 10 daughter. She snaps out cards, steals, writes horrible words about us every where, physically and verbally abuses me, my husband and two other children, she plants knifes in your bed and waves them at you. I am at breaking point, social services are a waste of space, she is being seen by camhs at present but even that is taking ages. I feel so low

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      Confessions 3 years ago

      Hi!

      This is something that is rarely addressed when it comes to parenting. Yet is such an important factor to consider. I honestly would like to publish a few of these stories to let parents find help in somway. We are a website called http://www.confessionsoftiredmoms.com. It would be great if any of you can email me on info@cofessionsoftiredmoms.com and let me know about certain specifics that would help other parents in the same situation.

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      PMARTIN 3 years ago

      Moms, stop fighting for supremacy over the dad and instead put him in front as head and be his support. Kids see a weak dad and divided authority and will take advantage. Of course all this is in the early stages while you still have control. The author is sooooo correct about TV but its not just "violence" on TV. Watch the average teen, pre teen sitcom or animated show and they are taught that parents are weak inept morons (especially dads) In these shows teens will argue and disrespect parents with no "end of show" consequences. Watch what your kids watch, if necessary shut it off. Check what they are texting--who is poisoning them (walk by and suddenly take the device from them to read it). If I had a teen beating me up, I would leave some cash on the table and wait a week before I report him a runaway.

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      Andrew 3 years ago

      My Fiancé is being abused by her son, and I have found a lot of useful feed back here, thank-you. I can only hope she will listen.

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      rmoraw71 3 years ago

      I am happy to find that there are recent comments on this hub. I began reading at 4yrs ago. So much pain it's disheartening. I live in the US. I can relate to this issue as my 7yr old has been acting out towards me practically her whole life. I love her so much and she regrets her actions afterwards but I endure hours of kicking hitting and throwing things at a time.

      Now my 13yr old has returned from his dad's after 2 mths of being brainwashed that I'm an awful person. He hates me. He called the cops and social services on Friday after refusing to go to school. The officers were very nice towards me and supportive. SS on the other hand told me to stop putting him in the middle of our problems. I've taken all his things and privileges away and dont want him talking to his dad. He is emotionally abusive and I am just feeling as if I've had my son taken from me. He wants to live with his dad. I refuse. I am shocked to see how many are going through this with me. I will try to find a support group.

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      don't want to be identifyed 3 years ago

      Hello my parents have constantly been abused by my brother.

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      Gabrielle 3 years ago

      One thing I don't see on many pages on this subject is any mention of adoption. Don't get me wrong. I am FOR adoption. But not every adoption is a happy ending. Many adopted kids have Reactive Attachment disorder stemming from traumas from their earlier life. So it's not my husband or I that ever abused our son. It was his birthfamily. Now we are the abused. And while the violent behavior is happening less often now, it's more abusive, more dangerous because our son is growing, getting bigger. We adopted him at 9 and he's now 12. We have very little support. No one seems to want to accept that children can be the abusers. Not the police, who tell us (and him in the room) that they won't arrest him for anything. Unless he's 17. You can't go to a domestic violence shelter when it's your kid. You can leave a violent spouse but not a violent kid. You can't go on a date with your spouse because even your 12-year-old isn't trustworthy to stay home with his older sister and you CANNOT foist that kid off on the neighborhood teenager hoping to make a few bucks babysitting. You need someone trained in attachment therapy but the liability is so high that no one does respite for people like us anymore. We didn't get our kids from the foster system. We got them from another country. If I am every found murdered, my son should be the prime suspect.

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      Me 3 years ago

      I would like to join your facebook group, but I don't want any of my friends to know I belong and it looks like the group is no longer secret. Do you know of any setting on FB that can enable me to be a member of the group, but not show the world that I belong to it?

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      Jill Ramsey 3 years ago

      This is very helpful

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      Cheryl Ann 3 years ago

      Just got home from hospital after a heart attack. Brought on by years of abuse.

      First the husband ) x), now the well manicured, indoctrinated children.

      My beloved 16th old daughter has become as evil and vile as he is.

      Night before last she got angry because she thought I was giving her a hard time for watching six straight hours of walking dead on the computer. I was not because I know what would come of it. What I said was that I'm glad she chose to write a new story and would have that to do along with her shows.

      For that I received a torrent of emotional abuse. The next morning she started up again and threw a laptop case at my face then strangled me and grabbed my face in her hands and scratched it. Then she left to go to her father's house where they will be buddies and her will reward her and act like her best friend for a few days.

      She began counselling in may after a supposed breakdown.

      For years she has only done what she wanted and ignored all of my requests. She learned very young that I wasn't worthy of any respect from her dad.

      I am now being the scapegoat and to blame for everything by her...

      I did everything to protect her.

      I'm at the end of what I could endure.

      All hope is lost.

      I'm 53 look 65 and feel like I'm dying.

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      emmaiexx 3 years ago

      hi..

      please help point me in rightdirection i have 2 abusive teenage girls and 2 young boys,everyday ishell and has been now for lastsevereal years the youngest use to attack me but i got to point where i cracked up and sent her to live with her dad hes now had enough and sent her back and now refuses to see her,so now i have them both on atme a normal dayconsits of me being hounded shouted at sworn at cslled horrible names im at the point where if it wasnt for my sons id havekilled myself if i even buy a pack of fags for myself i get abused because i didnt

      give the cash to my child to buy drugs social services dont give a toss and im scared to let them know just how bad my life is incase they remove my sons from the situation which is probaly what needs to be done because its not fair on them to witness the constant screaming and swearing, i am scared i am going to lose it and really hurt my girls and i dont want to i love them therte my babies one is 15 one is 13 i cant cope with this for another 3 years pleasehelp me and tell me where and what i can do. i also have a 20 yr old and a 18 year old both of them are lovely nice girls my sons are the sunshine of my life one is autistic and we see lots of professionals all say im a great parent but how can i be when dan n kays are so horrible to me if i try to walk away from situations they hound me untill i give in and pay them to bascially go away i cant live like this any longer

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      sharon 19 3 years ago

      my eldest child is 32 and she spent age 13 to 17 when she left the home abusing me physically mentally, stealing and destroying property.

      my other daughters are 25 and 31 the elder became mentally tormenting for a number of years it stopped once she left home but she has been back a year with her son at the same time as i became ill, lost my business and i am now having to sell my home. i add the 31 year old is a very senior teacher and has a 3 year old son and both live with me. she attacks me mentally and destructively (usually as a backlash of her mood and emotional state at the time). she refuses to clean their rooms and bathroom i am trying to sell home so have to clear myself. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE i have nothing to live for apart from abuse on Saturday she verbally abused and behaved so awfully that when i said i didn't want to be here any more as my life was just her constant abuse!( i am currently suffering a chest, sinus infection on top of emphysema and autonomic failure - so I'm pretty ill) she then taunted and taunted me 'to take some tablets go on go" until i took a very large overdose of sleepers painkillers even found some peth adine. she and her younger sister (age 25) just shut my bedroom door and left me ….sadly i came to0 36 hours later and spent the next 24 hours unable to get up eventually i was able to get phone off my dresser to call doctor who came out, both girls had gone to work. she is aware of bullying but has no suggestion. I have no family alive and friends went when my business went also illness has made me go from active and vibrant to exhausted. the you gist suffers mood swings and when she is low she bullies me verbally and psychologically.

      Im not a pathetic victim, i was strong, dynamic and well respected in the business world now….

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      april j r 3 years ago

      I know exactly what the poster above "dawn" means about the husband teaching the kids to do the behaviors. Mine constantly undermines literally everything. I don't want my young son watching violence and movies filled w/ stuff about sex, b/c he's YOUNG and not ready for that stuff, but even that, when I have his best interest, he says things like "oh well I guess we can't watch that" which has taught my son that he dosen't have to listen to anything I say, because I'm just the lady that trys to take everyones fun away. I have never seen a post like this, and it's good to know I'm not the only person, and that I'm not crazy. I've read so many books, tried it all, but I am now at the point where I feel like walking away. I can't live my life being put down and verbally assaulted every minute of every day. Not one move my son makes is easy. I mean NOTHING! From eating, getting dress, you name it, he fights about it. I wouldn't have EVER even thought I could actually think about leaving them both, but I literally don't feel like I can take any more abuse from my son OR his father. I feel like saying "you can have custody, I'll take the visitation". But then I cringe b/c I'm even thinking that! Thanks for the website, the post, I am more grateful than you know just to know this is not just me thinking I'm crazy! (though I do feel like it alot lately, lol)

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      anna 3 years ago

      My life in a nutshell!

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      Chyrysanth 3 years ago

      Interesting webpage and thank you LouPurple, its what I needed to read.

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      A friend trying to help 3 years ago

      I am a nurse. I am so appauled that here is NO HELP!! For these parents. My best friend and her husband have an 8yr old who is abusing them. Has been for yrs it has become worse. The child had a program where social owrkers came to the house 2hrs after school for 6 months, he is now in a program after school for children with behavioral problems, seeing a therapist one on one and in group settings. He has pulled knives, broke numerous items in the house, punched the 3 yr old in stomach, I can go on and on about this. I have seen it. He is smart, manipulative, cunning, pathaological liar, good grades, funny, nice when he chooses. The parents are trying desparately to get help. After, today OUR MEDICAL PSYCH is a joke to him. Twice now he has had the police arrive once at a school play activity with social workers and therapists, and at their home. The parents have followed protocol and called CRISIS, once these people told the parents it would take 45 min to get there another time the parents call did not get dispatched because it was over looked.The hospital when he arrives sees he is no longer a threat to himself or others at the time he arrives keeps the parents there for hours even after the child has threatened to kill his mom and dad. Threatens to kill himself, he dug his fingernails into his own skin clawed from ankle to knee in front of a PA, AND THE MEDICAL PROFESSIONIALS released him. They also, then pointed the finger at the parents. REALLY. We live in an area where there was a school shooting, but it HAS to be the PARENTS FAULT, RIGHT. If I said I was going to take my own life or someone elses IMMEDIATELY I would be put under a 72hr hold, but not a child!! What is wrong!! When I say NO ONE I mean NO ONE!! The family doc, the pediatrication, the psych. doc, the program therapist or what ever they are JUST glorified social worker babysitters, and the hospital, will help them. This child can be so, so good when he wants to be then a monster the next, and this has been going on since he was at least 2-3 yrs old. At 5 he accidently hit the family puppy with a plastic baseball bat, which caused head injury and blindness the dog only lived to be 3 some how had internal bleeding when they put her down. This child does not live in an abusive home, they are not poor, they get more than most, they do not eat junk, dad works, mom stays at home they have family problems, who doesn't, they have a large loving extended family, he plays baseball, and etc. This child takes most of the agrression out on mom, very possesive of her, jeaslous of dad, mean to a sister 10 and 3 too. She told the therapist today, "when is someone going to help us when this child kills or severly hurts us(parents), my other two children, someone else, or himself. Then you'll blame me." What can she do that she is not already doing? How can she get this child removed from the house? How can I find more info? I'm affraid of this child.

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      Dawn 3 years ago

      I have two young adult daughters ages 20 and 21. They have abused me physically, verbally and psychologically since they were around 9 or 10 years old. Their dad, my ex-husband has taught them to do so and psychologically manipulates them to disrespect and cyberbully me. The oddest thing of all is that I left him for abusing me and the kids (multiple arrests for) 10 years ago, while he was also having multiple sexual affairs. the law would not allow me to take my own children out of that home for their safety until his 3rd arrest for choking his 12 year old daughter. He has not paid child support since...moved in with the last affair while she kicked her husband out. He has not had to work a day since although does massages and does not report it to the IRS. i have worked 2 part-time jobs to raise these girls with rent, food and necessities all the past 10 years. Yet my girls continue to cyberbully me with instigation their dad, his family and anyone else they can convince..They are angry for moving them from an upper middle class lifestyle to poverty.

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      sunflower456 3 years ago

      Loris, it doesn't matter how great she is to other people, how much she has achieved , how talented she is and how much other people love her. If they knew what she was doing to you, it would be much different. The worst criminals in prison look down on those who disrespect and god for bid hit their mother. In prison, you are not allowed to say one disrespectful thing about your mother and please don't let them find out that you hit your own mother. To me it sounds like your daughter is old enough and is out on her own. She should be throughly ashamed and disgusted with herself that she has treated you in such awful ways. What kind of person and coward are you to abuse your own mother? I don't care what your mother did, I don't care if she is a drug addicted, neglectful, nasty prostitute, you NEVER put your hands on your mother even if you THINK she deserves it, because it will ALWAYS make YOU look bad. Loris, you need to cut the cord and detach yourself from your daughter. You are not here on this earth to be someones punching bag and i promise you that you have nothing to worry about if she decides to take her anger out on someone else, because she knows better that no one will take her shit.

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      LLynn rayborn 3 years ago

      My my son callme abitch and mydaughter we need to get away my husband do not care about us.

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      BH 3 years ago

      My 14 year old stepson had a violent meltdown a few years ago and intimidated me when I was looking after my two younger children which resulted in me pushing him in self defence. He was bigger than me and not hurt but he invented 'injuries' and reported me to social services who believed him without even asking what really happened. Since then he feels he has the power, which he does and he verbally abuses and intimidates and disrespects me and knows that there is nothing I can do about it. This is so wrong and it has caused me so much stress.

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      Invisibleandnumb 3 years ago

      I too am in the same shoes as loris .......... at times ending my life has crossed my mind, more times then not, but somehow I keep going. I wish my 16 year old son would know just how much I hurt when he abuses me. I have bruises all over my legs,sides and feet from the outburst he pulled this morning. My husband has totally checked out of reality because he too suffers like i do. I wonder what the heck we have done to deserve this everyday but my heart cant take much more.

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      loris 3 years ago

      I have a 17 year old daughter.

      She is a high honor student(she is being offered academic scholarships for college), a talented musician(sings and plays several instruments, opportunities and scholarships are also being offered due to her musical talent), excels at sports, has a large and nice group of friends, holds a part time job (where she was recently promoted for exemplary work) , is respected by her teachers/employer/friends and by other parents. She is compassionate and caring to her friends and others. I often hear "If only we had more students/employees like her" or "You are so blessed to have a daughter like her". In all the above ways, I am proud of her and for what she is capable of.

      The fact that she is so bright, well-rounded and respected by everyone else makes my reality even harder to understand and to live with...because she has been abusive to me since she was young. She frequently verbally belittles, insults and humiliates me. Until recently, she would push, shove, hit, pinch and scratch me...I often had bruises, cuts, scratches and often hid them so no one else would know. My abuser is my daughter.

      I left my marriage to her father, who was emotionally and physically abusive towards me, when she was four. I wanted to save not only myself, but her as well, from the lasting effects abuse. Now, I see that, whether from nature or nurture...she was effected. As I continue to be.

      Who would suspect that this bright, funny, outgoing, well-respected beautiful girl would be abusive? This girl who can be the most wonderful company, who can be so affectionate and caring to me? This daughter who I love so deeply? Yet, she does.

      A few years ago, when she was a young teen the physical abuse became intolerable. I was rarely without cuts and bruises. She broke my nose. I have scars. After a long time of strict consequences each time she "stepped over the line" physically, it lessened. It was very difficult, as she fought against those consequences and it took almost two years for any positive change to come. But, the physical has now gone from almost daily, to very rarely. So, still more work to do. Unfortunately, she has increased the emotional and verbal abuse, which leave wounds just as deep. I am trying to be consistent with strict consequences for the emotional and verbal abuse, and I hope that they lessen, as well. It is absolutely exhausting.

      I sought help for myself through counseling, several years ago. Once confident, strong and almost fearless in my approach to life and to my successful career...my strength has been eroded over time, and I often struggle to find balance between maintaining a positive outlook, with the sometimes hard realities of my personal life. I had thought that ending my marriage would also end the isolation of being in an abusive relationship, yet I find that I now isolate to keep my personal life with my daughter, at a distance from others. Many years of being in abusive relationships, have taken their toll on me, in spite of my best attempts to limit or escape their grasp.

      People often say that they cannot understand why a person in an abusive relationship, stays. Thankfully, for those who find themselves in an abusive marriage, or relationship there is the possibility of getting out if it, and of rebuilding life. Yet, when the abuser is your child...solving it gets so much more complicated. As a parent, our bond with our children is life-long. Leaving the parent-child relationship is often something that is not an option that we want to ever take, so we try to end abusive behavior while keeping the relationship. Very, very hard.

      I'm still trying to keep that relationship, while ending her very destructive behaviors. She refuses counseling, so I am left to try to change her behaviors, myself. It is a big responsibility, because as her parent...I want her to be a decent, caring, responsible adult. She obviously has the ability to become a very good adult, but the fact that she has a part of her so easily able to abuse, and that she limits that abuse to one person so close to her...concerns me greatly. It is what motivates me to keep going with her, to keep being consistent even when she is intolerable. Because I know that this is bigger than me. All of her life she has directed this kind of abusive behavior at only one person. Me. I desperately want to help her to understand,control it and end it...because there will come a time when I am not there to focus anger on, and what I do now may prevent her from ever focusing it on someone else who is near and dear to her.

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      sunflower456 3 years ago

      Hi guys, this is Shelly Lynn and Sunflower. I use both names on the web and forgotten that I used shelly lynn on this one and accidentally posted under Sunflower. So just to clear the confusion, Shelly Lynn and Sunflower are the same person, which is me.

      Anyway, 9 more months until she is 18. This past three months have gone by pretty quickly, hopefully the rest of the 9 months go by just as fast. I love my daughter to pieces, despite what she has done, and I want to be clear that I am only looking forward to her being legal as to relieve the burdens of her choices off of myself. I will always love her and protect her the best I can, but our relationship will get better when she realizes that she can't treat me like she has done for so long. It depresses the hell out of me that since she was 12 and a half, it has been nothing but a pure nightmare and there have been things done and said that I don't think many could ever recover from. I guess she will learn the hard way when she finally realizes that mommy is not playing about this one. She constantly tells me I talk shit and that I will never follow through with anything because I never do, and she might be right about that, but I promise you, she is not right about this one. She really thinks I'm not going to move and I feel sad for her because for once, she will have to face some true harsh realities. I am just so thankful that my lease is up here around the same time as her 18th birthday. I am already selling everything I can so I don't have much to take with me. I honestly don't know what she's going to do, but I have to break this cycle and move away for a few years and let her know the harsh realities of life. She can not continue to live with me and bully me like I am a piece of shit. Nine more months, nine more months. I just hope I am brave enough to follow through with what I am saying. It will be the hardest thing in the world to let her fall so hard, especially when I know she has serious mental problems , but to be down right defiant and tell me all the things she tells me and calls me, she deserves it, at least for a little while.

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      Lori 3 years ago

      My son is on probation and has broken every condition of probation. He has a court date in 3 weeks where he will be going to the training school. He ran away from home on March 8 and I was advised to file a missing persons report. I did that and when the police brought him back home, he just left again. Then 2 days later he was arrested for shoplifting. Because it happened in a different state the police let him come home and he left again. He then got into a physical fight with another kid and then threatened to harm this kid further.

      I got him admitted to the hospital as a danger to others and now he is being sent back home in a few days. He will continue the abuse, the dangerous acts in the community and the police say that there is nothing they can do until his court date. What kind of justice is that? Hopefully he will not be charged with a more serious crime in the meantime.

      We told the police we fear him coming home and we have a daughter to consider - but nope, return him to the home anyway. I just do not understand how the law works. Parents crying out for help and there is nothing there to help them.

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      karyn 3 years ago

      I am not in the UK however there is only a small difference in the laws. In the States (depending on what state you are in) you are responsible for your child until he/she is 18. Child protective services only protect the child even if the child has a history of criminal behavior. You will pay financially for his/her abuse and crimes until they are 18. They will not remove the child from the home if they assault you. They will put them in detention for a time period and or residential treatment which you have to pay for. So as I and many others we keep quiet about the abuse because the states will just fine you until you are broke.

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      Lou Purplefairy 3 years ago from Southwest UK

      Thank you Margey, thats some very useful info, and I have posted the link up in the facebook group.

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      margey 3 years ago

      Hi Ted

      I am shocked and appalled at the treatment you are experiencing from your son, and so sad to hear the way you have been treated by professionals when you have sought help.

      You may not be aware that there are now some specialist services in Australia for parents who are being abused by their children. Some of these have been around a while and others are quite new. Obviously Australia is a big place but I hope you will be able to find something near to where you live. There are some people who may be able to advise you regarding services who have just started a website which you could try to contact. The address is avith dot com dot au

      I hope you find help soon.

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      Ted 3 years ago

      My husband and I are living in hell of our child who has been difficult since he was born and violent since he could crawl but only ever in the home. He is 14 now and sometimes I'm afraid for my life. I live in Australia and have tried to access help but there is nothing. Even worse my child who is in the top class at school has accused my husband of hurting him as manipulation when he was in a conversation he did not like and she was an idiot abs tried to tell us my husband had to leave the home. At $500 a session all out of our pocket and us coming to her I can't believe she spent 5 minutes with my son and believed that. He is a liar and tries to make us feel crazy. He smashes our home up and hits both of us but ESP me punching biting slapping holding against tables and wall and tearing my clothes off and tells me I made him do it. When he hurls his own property ie laptop across room and breaks it he demands me to buy him a new one the next day as I made him throw it. I rarely shout or raise my voice I cry a lot I'm on antidepressants and I hope a car knocks me down soon as I am dealing with. 20-30 tantrums per day. The police told me two years ago not to bother calling back unless I am prepared to schedule him. The paediatrition told me never schedule your child and when I told the paed he held a knife to my throat he responded by saying he will grow out of it and next time you come bring his school report as he's fascinated by my sons academics I hate my life so much the other day be totally smashed his room up when asked to have a shower. Today he punched me with a closed fist after I asked him to stop playing the computer after right hours on it. Happy days. Wish I was dead.

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      MKootenay 3 years ago

      I wish I would have read your article a long time ago. I've been emotionally abused by my daughter since she was 16. She 's now 31 and still abusing me and withholding me from my 1 year old grandson. She was born with something nasty about her. For example, when she was in her stroller, little old ladies would come by and try to tickle or caress her. She would grab hold of their fingers and squeeze until her face was red. Another time, when she was a toddler, she used to grind her heel into my foot and when I looked down, she had an expression of wicked pleasure. When she was a teen, she was so terribly out of control. I sough professional help. I did everything, tried everything. Then I had social services take over and place her in a foster home. I enrolled her in a school for troubled teen girls. I saved her from a life of drugs, alcohol and yes, even prostitution. Now, all I get from her is disrespect. She blames me for not parenting her properly. I am keeping track of her communications with me, mostly electronic, thank heavens. I am considering closing off this relationship, this time permanently. It is too painful to keep trying to heal a damaged relationship with a highly toxic, rude, disrespectful and angry person. Blood relation aside, my health is too important to me (I'm a breast cancer survivor).

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      Millie 3 years ago

      Hi Lou

      Thank you for your reply to my comments yesterday, over the last month I feel so much more stronger and positive.

      You are right in saying the help Ben is receiving is not available everywhere, the help needs to be made available all over the country. I hope my story will give some people help where they can maybe google CAMHS - just in case anyone doesn't know but this stand for Child, Adolescent Mental Health Services, I believe this is a service available in most parts of the country, I think this would be the first step towards getting help for your child, the only problem with this is your child has too be willing to attend (my son Ben stopped going eventually) but over the few times he did attend they were able to assess him for ADHD, Schizphrena (incorrect spelling sorry) depression etc or just plain defiant. I am not sure but the Turnaround centre may be in other parts of the country as well, the police should be called everytime the teenager abuses or is violent towards there parent, they should then be able to advise what help is available in your local area. I am afraid you have to push the police for this information all the time as when I dealt with them in the very beginning I was under the impression they couldn't be bothered but if you keep calling them when something happens and keep pushing them for information as too where you can get help they can advise you numbers of local services. I am not against the police but after being married to one and hearing what he says about the calls they attend most of the time they cannot be bothered with the paperwork but call the police all the time and they should give you a CAD number so diarise this number and keep a log of what has happened. Good luck everybody, I don't think my problems are entirely over with my son but things are better and I am here with anyone would like any advice :0)

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      Lou Purplefairy 3 years ago from Southwest UK

      Millie,

      This is such good news and evidence that things ARE changing.

      The way we view abuse against a parent by a child is being taken very seriously nowadays, but units like the one your son is in, are still very rare, and the bed places they fund are still oversubscribed.

      Your words are an inspiration to others and proof that there is help out there, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that there is a way through this where you still have a relationship with the child you still love.

      Everyone can get through this with support. Its tough love, but its still love and it works if you have all of the right kinds of support and help.

      Take my love with you for yourself and your son xxxx

      Lou :)

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      Millie 3 years ago

      Hello, I wrote on here 5 months ago, my comments are still showing. I feel I have to write an update - with relief - and maybe this will help others currently going through what I went through with my now 17 year old son. After a year of physical and emotional abuse towards me from my 16 year old son at the time, he was 17 last September mine and my younger son age 10 life at home is so much more calmer.

      My older son voluntary stopped attending mental health help through CAMHS, this prompted CAMHS to contact me to advise me they were closing his file, I cried as I explained I couldn't cope anymore at home and I was so frightened of my older son, CAMHS put me in touch with a programme called Family Justice Centre based in Croydon, they help people who are currently going through domestic violence and it doesn't have to involve a partner, my domestic violence towards me was form my son. I telephoned them and made an appointment, when I saw them there was a solicitor offering free advice, a counsellor, a local police officer, whe I started telling them everything that had been happening (please read my story posted here around 5 months ago) it was very upsettind but such a relief. With 2 weeks the police came and fitted a panic alarm in my flat with rapid response to the nearest police patrol car if I ever activated it. This immediately stopped my son in his tracks and the violence stopped, he was still coming and going as he pleased and smoking cannabis but the threats and violence stopped. It was too late for my son though, the family justice department with my permission and with the help of a centre called Turnaround started making arrangements for Ben to be removed from the family home. I decided to advise Ben this was what was going to happen, he cried and cried and begged me not to let this happen, saying he wouldn't cope and I didn't love him anymore, I do love him but its called tough love. One night I was telephoned at 11pm advising me a place had been found for Ben to live in a behaviour unit called Stop 24 for 3 months. The next morning I advised Ben he was leaving today and to pack his clothes, it was very upsetting for myself as well as Ben but he accepted it, I think he realised this was the end, he packed his clothes, I put fresh bedding on his duvet and pillow which he had to take with him, brought him some toiletries and food and drove him to the unit. I wasn't allowed to go in so Ben went in himself, he was very brave and I waited outside in my car crying. He eventually came out and said he had been shown his room which has a bed, wardrobe, fridge and set of drawers, he took his clothing, bedding and food and went into the unit and I drove home. In the past month since Ben has been there I have seen him 3 times, he is allowed to go to college which he goes to 3 days a week and he still goes to his Saturday Job, he has curfews to follow which is to be in by 11pm every night and if he breaks this he is looked for by the police and could lose his place at the unit, there are no visitors allowed not me or his girlfriend and he is allocated a support worker. It has 24 hour security and has CCTV everywhere except the bathrooms, they do random drug tests, apply for benefits for them and teach them to budget on there benefit money by advising what food to buy and also how to cook it, they inspect there bedroom for tidiness and are not allowed to be fighting, swearing or squaring up to security or anyone in the unit. Myself and Ben are very lucky to have this place as it only has 13 beds and is a mixture of teenage boys and girls up to the age of 17. I was given priority due to the dangerous behaviour Ben was showing at home to myself and my younger son age 10. Once you are 18 there is no such place or help basically you can throw your child out of your home. Whilst at this unit Ben has counselling and we are both attending family therapy, it is my life safer, I no longer feel guilty that I agreed for Ben to be put in this unit and that is because even though I have only seen Ben briefly 3 times in the last 4 weeks I have already seen changes in him already, he genuinely has missed his younger bother and myself, he has come for dinner and we have all sat and eaten together as a family which never used to happen, he has spoken about when his 3 months come to an end at the unit and he is hoping they will either let him come home with my permission or he is allocated a shared home with similar teenage boys who are still looked after but with no curfews and rules, he knows if he breaks the rules at the unit or later on at the shared home he will be put into foster care till he is 18 then he could be made homeless. Ben realises he needs to change before it is too late, he is also currently being offered anger management sessions. I miss my son so much but my home life for me and especially my younger son age 10 is so much calmer, my younger son can have his friends round to play now and I can have friends round for dinner without worrying about Ben or constantly having holes in the walls from where Ben has damaged my home. When I last saw my son Ben a week ago he said to me - mum I know what you mean when you say it was tough love and I do love you and I know you love me. I just had to write this to maybe offer help to other people, google the family justice centre or the turnaround centre and see if you have this type of help where you live. My son is counselled, looked after, disciplined and being taught life skills in order to be able to survive and realise there are boundaries in all our lifes. I love my son Ben very much.

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      Ganesh prasad 3 years ago

      good hub

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      Jenny 3 years ago

      husband and are living nightmare

      My husband adopted baby boy almost 13 years ago

      child has been abusive since small child been removed from sevrel after school programs since he was 5

      praents were told

      This is worst day of teaching in 25 years with your son never have I experienced worst first day of kindergarten in my life

      Almost

      13 police are called he runs away threatens to kill himself us others when he does not get his way

      Sneaky lies acts stupid when police comes saying

      I'm adopted I take meds I'm in special school for violent kids I have AD yes I abuise my stepmother why I'm mad then I'm okay after I abuse

      enrolled him in scared straight not once but twice he does not care

      our life's are like we are prisoners family / friends stay

      Away

      Police say do comment do comment lol it's joke

      Dog/cat has more wrights than us

      Nightmare

      What do families do suffer till he is 18 kick him out

      Indeed never allow him back in your home again

      But we suffer in silence why in usa we have No rights abusiver has more rights indeed power than us

      ready

      In life all my husband ever wanted was to be father

      Father who lives with devil sad to say indeed I'm sure millions just like us no hope just fear indeed we are growing old quickly due to living nightmare

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      Rosie Rogers 3 years ago

      I too have a desperate situation which has escalated over the years. Too much to write here but an echo of violence, humiliation and control. I feel that there have been a number of failings in the childhood of my son, but the natural biological needs he has, have been overshadowed by the learnt behaviour in the absence of a diagnosis. A boy who used to be a concern because no-one understood him, has become a villainous, controlling and drug dependent stranger. I wrote this for him recently.

      Dear Son

      Standing over you I forget the pain,

      The sleepless night and the troublesome birth

      You are the light at the end of a maternal tunnel,

      Providing the experience of purpose and worth.

      You don’t want to sleep and you cry for me,

      Holding you is such an abundant joy

      You are special and you crave attention

      Typical of my curious baby boy

      Sitting with you, I see your potential,

      A child before me with so much to give

      You are only 5, and a lively character

      You add to my reasons of wanting to live.

      Times are hard and we are all alone,

      Your sister, yourself and I,

      There is also a leech sucking our blood

      Oh to live in the land of being high.

      I represent you to the powers at be

      I tell them how unique and special you are.

      You will need support to make it through

      I can see you have strengths and the potential to go far.

      They cannot hear me, or so it seems

      They nod, and they murmur, and agree with me

      But you are not special enough for them

      It will take you, my 11 year old, to make them see.

      I stand beside you, and fight your case,

      I know it was not meant and you love me.

      The legal system agrees that you should be punished

      Reporting you will hopefully set you free.

      At 14 you make mistakes, a teacher a punch,

      Your mum a slap, your friends are gone

      Now they see it, that special boy

      I have called for help 9 years long.

      I look at people who have experienced my boy,

      School after school and call after call.

      They are all sitting up now listening to me

      Far too late for you, as you have taken the fall.

      Today I clear out the drug packets and bits

      That make you feel like a 16 year old king

      Gone is the boy, I cradled to sleep

      But I know you are there, just with a poisonous sting

      Standing over you, I forget all the pain

      The sleepless nights and troublesome life.

      You are at the end of a very dark tunnel

      Far away from the daily chores and strife

      6 feet down, you are finding your peace

      A place you looked at for so many years

      We are all alone, just the girls and I

      Facing up to the evil of life and my dreaded fears.

      You were so young but I am saying goodbye

      To a child who fell through the net

      ADHD with a late diagnosis

      And my heart heavy with many regrets.

      I have predicted the end, because you won’t help yourself

      To get out of this terrible mess

      You have chosen a life that I do not understand

      And are falling at life’s every test.

      So with a full heavy heart I ask you again

      To turn, hold on and be free

      Grasp onto everything that you are blessed with

      And travel the rest of this journey with me.

      Love Always

      Your Mother

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      Bright star 3 years ago

      Thought I was alone with a what my 15 year old son is putting me through,, not sure what to do next,,,,reading all that articles show me that am not alone!!!! My son has always been such a loving boy to me an his younger sister however things have defo changed!!! Feel like am walkin on egg shells in my own home,,,ave had family helping however he still done what he liked so he is back home. He's doing what he likes got no control over him atol from shouting at me, kicking doors,from sayin he doesn't want to stay with me no more punching doors, running out of the house, not coming in when he's told, not going to school, stealing from me,staying out all night the list goes on....ave tried so hard to come an go with him but this is getting right of control!!! its his rules ave went an spoke with school an he turns it all on me!!! Been to doctors with him about anger still things are getting worse by the day also worried how this is going to affect my 7year old daughter!!!! Am at my wits ends with him