The Parentified Child: How It Contributes to a Depressed, Angry, and Resentful Adult
Were You a Parentified Child?
- When you were a child, did your mom or dad turn to you for comfort and advice when they were struggling with problems at work, in their marriage, or with finances?
- Did you share a special bond with that parent because you were their confidant and caretaker?
- Did you forgo hanging out with friends, joining teams and clubs, and just being a kid because you were busy attending to your parent?
- Do you now feel resentful because you missed out on a happy, carefree childhood?
If responding “yes” to these questions, you were a parentified child. As a result, you may be struggling in adulthood with sadness, anger, and depression. Don't give up hope, though, because recognizing the root of your problem gives you an opportunity to heal. You can find ways to make up for the joy you missed as a kid.
What Does It Mean to Be Parentified Child?
Parentification happens when a child switches roles with her mom, dad, or both, becoming the caretaker in the relationship. She may become this in an emotional way—listening to the parent's problems, giving them comfort, and offering advice. She may also do it in a physical way—cleaning the house, taking care of siblings, making meals, and even paying bills. Youngsters often become parentified when mom or dad is an alcoholic, a drug user, disabled, divorced, or mentally ill.
How I Became a Parentified Child at the Age of 12
My parents' marriage started to fall apart when I was 12. My mother suspected my father was having an affair with a woman at work. She and I would take hour-long walks every afternoon when she'd confide in me her worries, criticize my father, and even talk divorce. I'd listen intently, flattered she was trusting me with these grownup matters and offering what advice I could. Even though I was just a kid with little experience in relationships, she'd compliment my wisdom, saying I would make an excellent psychologist some day. Listening to her problems and giving counsel was how I got her attention and validation.
As a kid, I didn't think too much about this dynamic between my mother and me that lasted until I went off to college. I was just happy to spend time with her and be her confidant. It wasn't until I became a mother myself that I realized how horribly wrong it was to burden me with these adult issues, turning me against my father and making me cynical about marriage. I began to understand how she used me and robbed me of my childhood. I also learned that what she did wasn't that uncommon and actually has a name: parentification.
Parentification Can Cause Long-Term Problems Including Depression, Isolation, and Anger
Dads and moms who parentify a child often don't realize they're doing something incredibly harmful. My mother was going through a midlife crisis at the time she turned to me for comfort and support. She was unhappy in her job and feeling lonely because my dad was working long hours and traveling for business. When people at my dad's office began gossiping about an affair between him and a much younger subordinate, she was understandably embarrassed and upset. It tapped into her deepest insecurities as a woman and wife and caused her to think and act irrationally at times.
Instead of seeing a therapist or talking to a friend, she turned to me in her time of need. This proved to be a critical mistake, forever damaging the relationship between my father and me and leading to severe problems later in my life. After focusing on my mother's inner world for so many years, I felt unworthy of any attention being directed at me. I didn't know how to advocate for my own needs and desires. The consequences of being a parentified child finally caught up with me as an adult when I struggled with depression, isolation, and anger.
Bethany Webster deals specifically with mother-daughter relationships in "When Shame Feels Mothering: the Tragedy of Parentified Daughters." She writes, "A daughter is being exploited when her mother gives her adult roles, such as surrogate spouse, best friend or therapist...When a daughter is asked to be an emotional prop for her mother, she is unable to rely on her mother enough to get her own developmental needs met." As a result, the daughter can grow up to be an emotionally stunted adult with little self-confidence.
It's not unusual for a parentified child to become a depressed grownup. I struggled with extreme sadness most of my adult life, taking anti-depressants to numb the pain and going to therapy to get at the root of my heartache. My life transformed when an astute doctor gave me an aha moment, explaining that I had been parentified as a youngster and was suffering because of it. Until that moment, I had never heard of parentification. Having a name for what I experienced as a kid made me feel much better.
During the six years I acted as my mother's emotional caretaker, a tremendous burden was put on my shoulders even though I didn't realize it at the time. I dealt with adult issues that I didn't understand—marital infidelity, a midlife crisis, jealousy, insecurity, and rage. I worried my parents would divorce. I worried we'd have to sell our home and move away from the neighborhood I loved. I worried about our financial outlook and how we'd cope without our dad. I worried how my younger siblings would be affected. I worried about my mother's emotional stability and how I could make her feel better.
My decades-long battle with depression finally ended when I mourned the loss of the happy, carefree childhood I never knew. Kati Morton, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says the grieving process is key to healing. She says it includes acknowledging that what happened to us was not okay coupled with the motivation to move forward.
I started to nurture the little girl inside of me who didn't get the love and attention she craved. I began to enjoy some of the fun and frivolous activities I wanted to do as a kid but was never given the chance: going to a circus, roller-skating in the park, visiting Disneyland, and even having a sleepover with some of my friends.
A parentified child can also grow up to be a lonely and isolated adult. During my teen years, I desperately needed a parent to give me advice and listen to my concerns about friends, dating, school, teachers, homework, my hair, and my makeup. My mother, though, couldn't see beyond her own problems to help me. My father, knowing that I was now my mother's confidant, largely avoided me even though we lived under the same roof. I spent too many hours alone in my room, feeling sad and scared. Instead of having the normal adventures of a teen—going to football games, hanging out with friends, and joining clubs and teams—I stayed close at home, feeling responsible for my mother's well-being.
Some therapists even consider parentification a form of child neglect. Because the youngster misses out on basic childhood experiences, her development is seriously impeded. This was certainly true in my case. I didn't get to enjoy the fun and frivolous activities that shape a teen's life. My role as my mother's confidant and emotional caretaker set me apart from my peers. Because we didn't have shared experiences in common, we didn't have much to say to one another. I had few friends and no social life.
According to Maggie Olivares, a social worker who's dealt with many parentified kids, anger is another byproduct that comes from missing out on a carefree childhood. When they become adults, they look back on all those years when they had too much responsibility and not enough fun and are resentful and bitter. They struggle to maintain a relationship with the mom or dad who parentified them and may even choose to end it.
To this day, I have tremendous anger toward my mother for using me that way. It turned out that my father was never having an affair and it was all in my mom's head, triggered by her deep insecurity. When my dad and her grew closer again after years of being distant, she unceremoniously dumped me. I was no longer needed as her confidant and ally. My relationship with my dad had been annihilated years before that, and I was left with nothing.
Fortunately, I've forgiven my mother and moved on with my life, but I still find it difficult to trust people. In the back of my mind, I'm worried about being used again. I often see friendships as depleting rather than energizing. While my mother has apologized for talking badly to me about my dad, she certainly hasn't owned up to how she turned me into a parentified child and caused disastrous effects in my life.
If you were parentified like I was, missing out on a carefree childhood, it's easy to spend your adult life feeling sad and resentful. In , the author encourages us to understand how our past affects our present but discourages us from making it our identity. Just because we were parentified as kids doesn't mean we have to wear the badge of perpetual victim. We can put our early years in perspective and move forward, knowing we're now in charge of our destinies. We can feel empowered and hopeful, building a happy and meaningful adult life even though we missed out on a lot during childhood. We deserve it. Bad Childhood, Good Life
Adults Who Were Parentified Need to Grieve the Childhood They Never Had
Were you a parentified child?
If so, how did you heal?
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Do you have any advice, tips, books, or groups for helping overcome when the child becomes the parent? Specifically, I’m having trouble with romantic relationships and seeking emotionally unavailable men.
It's not surprising that a parentified child would grow up and seek emotionally unavailable partners. That's your way to avoid attachment and prevent getting hurt. An emotionally available man—a good guy who met your needs and treated you well—would be unfamiliar and, thus, uncomfortable and even scary. An emotionally unavailable guy can't hurt you because he's closed off and distant, and the two of you aren't connected in any meaningful way. The superficiality of the relationship makes you feel safe but unsatisfied.
As I wrote in my article, "Bad Childhood, Good Life" is the book I recommend for those of us who were parentified as children and are struggling with its aftermath. It's written by the radio personality and marriage and family therapist, Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Although I disagree with Dr. Laura on many issues, I respect her take on parentification. She calls it a form of child abuse-- a role reversal that forces youngsters to take on the burden of their parent's emotional and/or physical well-being instead of just being carefree kids. When these parentified youngsters grow up, Dr. Laura explains, they often recreate situations from their childhoods in an attempt to now fix them. You may be trying to flip an emotionally unavailable guy as an adult like you wanted to flip an emotionally unavailable parent as a child.
What I like about "Bad Childhood, Good Life" is that it motivates us to make our lives happy in the here-and-now and not remain stuck in the past. We can't go back to our childhoods and fix things, but we can enjoy the present. We are now in control of our lives and the choices we make, so the blame-game with our parents has to stop. Reading the book made me see the destructive patterns in my life and finally put an end to them.
One of these patterns was picking needy friends over and over again and then complaining about them. It turns out I was choosing women who reminded me of my mother. I became their therapist, giving them advice, comforting them, and focusing my attention on them. I became their parent just like I had with my mother. When I identified that pattern, I finally understood why I always felt so drained and depleted in female friendships and why I often avoided them. From that point on, I became determined to develop reciprocal relationships that were fun, carefree, and brought joy and lightness into my life.
Many of us who were parentified as children attended to our mom and dad's emotional needs while they ignored our inner world. If that was your situation, I strongly recommend "The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect" by Jasmin Lee Cori. If you're the daughter of an emotionally absent mother, this book will speak loudly to your experiences, and you'll no longer feel so alone. You'll come to understand yourself like you never have.
To fully embrace life to the fullest, you need to move away from the emotionally unavailable men and develop something deeper and more mature. Once you figure out yourself, you'll have much more to offer. You'll be open to finding someone who wants a reciprocal relationship. Best to you!Helpful 13
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© 2018 McKenna Meyers