5 Reasons Why Moms Get Jealous of Their Daughters: What's Normal & What's Not
Are You Experiencing Maternal Jealousy?
Is your relationship with your mother strained, but you don't understand why?
Is your mom competitive with you?
Is she uninterested in your classes, your career, your social life, and your kids?
Do you play the part of the parent in your relationship, giving her attention, advice, and reassurance?
Does she have a need to put you down and put you in your place?
If this dynamic sounds all too familiar, you may be on the receiving end of maternal jealousy. Because you didn't understand what you were experiencing, you may have long been confused about the relationship with your mom. You may have suffered a childhood where you often felt alone, abandoned, and sad.
Debunking the Maternal Archetype
The maternal archetype is one of a woman who's always sacrificing, supporting, loving, and doing for her children. In reality, though, our moms are humans with all the faults, frailties, and confused feelings that come with that mortal state. While rarely discussed in polite company, the subject of moms being jealous of their daughters is one that's intrigued me for a long time due to my rocky relationship with my own mother. For as long as I can remember, she has waged a one-sided rivalry against my sister and me, fueled by her deep-seated insecurity and undeniable envy.
Talking about maternal jealousy is perhaps the ultimate taboo, inimical to all we hold dear about motherhood and want to believe about mother love, especially that of a mother for her daughter. While maternal jealousy is a freighted topic, it’s not a rarity.— Peg Streep, author of "Daughter Detox: Recovering From an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life"
Outshining Mom Is a Big No-No
During our childhood, my sister and I learned that outshining our mom was a big no-no and would be met with her displeasure. When I had my first child at 36, I thought it would finally give my mom and me an opportunity to grow closer and bond over a new family member. True to form, though, she became envious of the attention I was getting as a new mom. Moreover, she became resentful that my focus was now on the baby and not her. The day after my son was born, she took off on a spontaneous trip with her new boyfriend, signaling to me that she didn't intend on playing a significant role in my child's life.
During my early days of motherhood, she was infuriated when I nursed my son because she hadn't breastfed my siblings and me. When my boy grew older, she'd shut me down whenever I tried to relate a cute story about him. When he was diagnosed with autism at 4, she urged me to refuse the early intervention services that he needed. Instead of bringing us together, the experience of me having a child pulled us further apart as she forced me to choose between her and him.
Envy comes from people's ignorance of, or lack of belief in, their own gifts.— Philosopher Jean Vanier
Blaming Yourself for Mom's Envy
While growing up, a girl may sense that the relationship with her mom is strained. The possibility that it's caused by maternal jealousy, though, is the furthest thing from her mind. Instead, she'll blame herself, convinced that she's unworthy of love and attention.
She may stop striving, knowing her achievements will be met with anger, ridicule, or silence from her mom. When becoming a teen, she may suffer from depression and anxiety. It's not until she gets older and wiser (and, perhaps, seeks therapy) that she realizes her mom has been envious of her. With that aha moment, all she's been through starts to make sense.
Like many other women, I didn't see the depths of my mother's jealousy until I became a parent myself. I only had love for my sons, not competitiveness. I relished, not resented, their time in the spotlight. I didn't feel any of the rivalry with them that my mom felt with my sister and me. By interviewing women who have envious moms and in reading what experts on the subject have to say, I found five key reasons why mothers get jealous of their daughters. Some proved to be quite normal and understandable while others proved to be quite disturbed.
5 Reasons Why Moms Get Jealous of Their Daughters
1. She's a narcissist.
2. She's going through menopause.
3. She's overly possessive of her husband.
4. She regrets her unfulfilled dreams.
5. She's emotionally immature.
1. She's a Narcissist
While there are normal, natural reasons why moms get jealous of their daughters, narcissism is not one of them. Psychotherapist, Jasmin Lee Cori, writes about the pain that these moms inflict upon their daughters in It's the book that helped me understand how my childhood with such a mom led to my struggles as an adult, lacking any sense of identity and having no concept of self-care. According to Cori, a narcissistic mom's envy leaves a girl feeling unloved, abandoned, and confused. The Emotionally Absent Mother.
My sister and I grew up with a narcissistic mother and it left us both with such low self-esteem that it crippled our lives. She'd compare us to her and always found us coming up short. She'd nitpick our appearance—criticizing our weight, hair, skin, clothes, and makeup. She was a great beauty in her own estimation and was troubled by her daughters not being the same. After picking apart our looks, she'd then wonder why we didn't have confidence to take on the world: getting boyfriends, being popular at school, and securing after school jobs.
Her jealousy continued when we became mothers ourselves. Our homes were never clean enough, our meals never healthy enough, and our kids never well-mannered enough. She'd remember her days as a mother when everything was rosy (not true) and she was super-woman (not true) and wonder why we couldn't do the same. It boosted her ego to find us lacking.
Normal or healthier mothers are proud of their children and want them to shine. But a narcissistic mother may perceive her daughter as a threat. If attention is drawn away from the mother, the child suffers retaliation, put-downs, and punishments. The mother can be jealous of her daughter for many reasons: her looks, her youth, material possessions, accomplishments, education and even the young girl’s relationship with the father.— Karyl McBride, author of "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?"
2. She's Going Through Menopause
While jealousy from a narcissistic mother is extreme and destructive, envy from a mom going through menopause is normal and to be expected. Mother Nature plays a cruel trick on many moms, having them go through the traumatic change of life while their daughters bloom into young adulthood. A mom may feel less womanly, desirable, and relevant during menopause as she transitions from being fertile to infertile. She experiences physical changes that make her feel less attractive such as weight gain, drier skin, thinner scalp hair, and coarser facial hair. She may feel more anxious and less confident.
It's only natural that she may envy her teenage daughter, who's becoming sexier as she reaches the peak of her beauty. She may see her daughter attracting the attention of men when she no longer does. She may envy all that's ahead of her child and worry her life is going downhill.
I coined the phrase Perceived Transfer of Sexuality (PTS) to describe a phenomenon that is prevalent among my patients, regardless of background or socioeconomic status. PTS is a feeling that many moms have in regards to their daughters somehow taking away their own sexuality. In PTS, perception can lead to the feeling of competition between a mother and her daughter and thus be responsible for some of the most volatile interactions ever seen.— Dr. Charles Sophy, psychiatrist and author
3. She's Overly Possessive of Her Husband
Some women feel territorial about their husbands and don't want to share them with anyone, even their own daughters. When I taught preschool, I was always impressed by dads who'd set aside special time to have “dates” with their daughters—taking them to the movies, having a tea party together, or going to the zoo. It was typically the wife's idea to encourage this ritual, and she often did the necessary planning to make it a reality. These moms loved their girls immensely and wanted them to reap the immense benefits of having a strong father-daughter bond.
Insecure women, however, can't see beyond their own needs. They want to keep their husbands to themselves, getting jealous when their daughters encroach on their turf. To avoid conflict with his wife, a husband might cave to her weaknesses. He may consciously or unconsciously neglect his fatherly duties and push his daughter to the side. As a result, his daughter is left without a healthy, loving connection with either parent. She grows up feeling like an interloper in her own family but doesn't know why.
4. She Regrets Her Unfulfilled Dreams
Dr. Charles Sophy, a renowned family and child psychiatrist, argues that some moms get jealous when they see their daughters enjoying more opportunities and freedoms than they had. At middle age, a mom probably regrets some things she did in life and, even more significantly, things she didn't do. Perhaps, she was too scared to take risks, played it safe, and now laments it.
She sees her daughter with unlimited opportunities in front of her and wishes she could be young again. She may envy the new freedoms young women have today to explore their sexuality, delay parenthood, enter male-dominated professions, buy their own homes, and become self-sufficient. She may wish she had succeeded in areas where her daughter now flourishes—playing sports, hanging with friends, dating, getting good grades, and being self-confident.
What Does “Parentified” Mean?
A “parentified” child experiences a role reversal, becoming the parent to her own mother, father, or both. Because their parent is depressed, mentally ill, or unable to function after a divorce, the child steps in to become the emotional caretaker. She is forced to grow up too fast, experiencing a lot of stress at a time when life should be care-free. She often becomes an adult with profound psychological struggles including anger, depression, and anxiety.
5. She's Emotionally Immature
A mother who's emotionally immature lacks the empathy necessary to care about her daughter. She's psychologically stunted and sees her daughter as competition. When her daughter is successful, she reacts with jealousy—more like a green-eyed sibling than a proud parent. An emotionally immature mother is egocentric. She sees herself as the sun and her children as planets orbiting around her. In her mind, that is the natural order of things and she becomes frustrated if it changes.
Peg Streep, author of Daughter Detox: Recovering From an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life, says a jealous mom sees her daughter as a rival. Her envy grows when her child eclipses her in areas where she once felt special, accomplished, and superior. If mom, for example, was always considered a great beauty, she may get distressed when her daughter transforms from an awkward pubescent into a stunning teen. If mom was hailed as a fantastic home cook but now her daughter excels at culinary school, she may feel like her identify is being stripped away by someone younger and more accomplished.
This happened between my sister and my mother with interior design. When my sister bought a magnificent home and received kudos for how she decorated it, it triggered our mom's competitiveness. She'd interrupt the flattering comments to point out this flaw or that in how the furniture was arranged or how the walls were painted. She had always been known as the one in our family with the artistic flair, and my sister's talent in that area was threatening to her.
From an early age, I learned to get attention from my mother by focusing on her. She would chat with me forever as long as she was the subject matter. As soon as I'd bring up things happening in my life, that's when she'd abruptly end the conversation. Her behavior turned me into a parentified daughter as I took on the role of advisor and confidant while she played the needy, self-absorbed kid. Even today, I refer to my mother as the teenage daughter I never had!
The Parentified Daughter Is Explained
Were You Reared by a Jealous Mom?
If so, what was the cause of her envy?
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Why do these mothers hate their daughters and not their sons?
It's not a matter of mothers hating their daughters but having a jealousy and rivalry with them. Moms don't feel the same competitiveness with their sons because they don't identify with them as strongly. It's perfectly normal that mothers feel twinges of envy from time to time as it's a basic human emotion. This is especially true when their daughters enjoy experiences in life they didn't: career opportunities, financial successes, travel to exotic places, etc.
Emotionally unhealthy moms, however, feel more than twinges of jealousy. My mother, for instance, felt intense rivalry with my sister and me because she was incredibly insecure. She needed us to make decisions similar to hers in order to validate her life. Not surprisingly, we went to extremes to copy our mother's path so we'd win her love and approval. Sadly, we both became teachers like her even though neither one of us was suited to that profession. My sister got married at the same age as our mom (22), had the same number of children (3), and sent them to the same Catholic schools where our mom sent us. Even though my sister went above and beyond to get my mom's stamp of approval, she never did as my mother alternated between being envious of her and highly critical of her.
When moms get jealous of their daughters, it's best for their daughters to distance themselves. I moved away from my mom (both physically and emotionally) after having my own kids. She had been jealous of the attention I showed them and I felt caught in the middle. When I thought about it, though, I knew it was time for me to grow up, choose my husband and sons, and start a healthy life away from mom. It was the best decision I ever made and contributed greatly to a strong marriage and happy family life.Helpful 93
What do you think about a mother who is envious of one daughter but not the other?
A mother who's jealous of one daughter but not the other isn't unusual. In fact, I spoke with a woman recently who had just that situation. She had married an anesthesiologist and had traveled the world with him. They built a home together on several acres, and she was able to afford designer clothes and well-crafted furniture. Her sister, on the other hand, was married to a blue-collar man like her dad and lived modestly.
Their mother was extremely envious of the wealthy daughter and always referred to her as “the doctor's wife” in a haughty tone. She preferred spending time with her less affluent daughter because they had more in common. She rarely spent time with her other daughter, the doctor, and their two kids because she felt inferior to them. Even though the family did everything in their power to make her feel at ease, they couldn't stop her from running the same negative tapes in her head that said: “I'm less than. I'm lacking. I'm not as smart. I don't fit in here.”
When the couple divorced after 22 years of marriage, the mom wanted to renew the relationship with her daughter, but it was too late. The daughter had wanted her mom to be there during the good times and the bad...not just the bad. She accepted that some people had been jealous of her when she was married to a successful doctor. However, she could never accept her own mother's envy and, thus, no longer wanted anything to do with her.
Some people, like this mother, have flimsy egos that prevent them from having relationships with anyone who they believe is better off than they are. Being around a person who's smarter, more attractive, more accomplished, or more affluent is too hurtful to their fragile self-concept. This ugly part of human nature is why jealousy is aptly called the green-eyed monster.
People who are consumed with such envy aren't happy because they focus on what others have and what they lack. Being grateful is not a part of their daily spiritual practice like it should be. That's why “comparison is the thief of joy” is a powerful mantra that some individuals recite in their minds whenever feelings of jealousy creep into their consciousness.
Part of maturing is seeing our parents as human beings with frailties and limitations just like everyone else. Hopefully, you can stand back now, realize your mother struggles with jealousy and insecurity, and not take it personally. It has everything to do with her and nothing to do with you. Accepting her “as is” will bring you peace and relieve you of stress.Helpful 28
My mom is an insecure narcissistic and jealous. I am also a child of rape. I have always thought that the latter was the reason she hated me, but now I understand there are other reasons to explain her contempt. My biggest issue right now as an adult is her jealousy of me spending time with my stepdad to take him to doctors appointments. I'm 61 she's 80. There's no reason for her to be jealous at this point is there?
With you being 61 and her being 80, it's time to practice acceptance from this point forward. Your mother will be jealous, petty, and insecure until the day she dies. She may be jealous that her husband enjoys spending time with you. She may be jealous that you're able to do things she can no longer do. She may be jealous because you're younger and in better health. It doesn't matter why she's envious; it just matters that you accept she is and not let it bother you. It has everything to do with her, not you.
I'm answering your question after a week-long visit with my 82-year-old mother. She's a deeply insecure woman who's always gotten easily jealous of others, especially my sister and me. She sees other people's happiness, achievements, wealth, and acquisitions as a personal affront. During her visit, she expressed envy that I have two teenage sons who are thriving academically and socially. Instead of complimenting me on my good parenting and their hard work, she constantly labeled us as being “so lucky.”
In the past, it would have bothered me but now I just let it go. In fact, it even makes me chuckle to myself. When I'm with her, I use the words of the spiritual writer, Eckhart Tolle, as a mantra: “Accept this moment as if you had chosen it.” Instead of fighting the situation, I learn from it and become a better person.
It's said that whoever causes us the most emotional pain is our greatest teacher. I imagine that you've learned many lessons from your mom's insecurity and jealousy. The fact that you put up with it in order to take your stepdad to his medical appointments says a lot about your honorable character.
I know that you wish your mom was different and you had a loving relationship with her. Yet, when you accept her with all her limitations, you'll let go of a lot of stress.Helpful 3
I have separated myself from my mother, both physically and emotionally. But she went a step further by convincing two of my children to live with her. Now I have no family or my own children. Because I won’t have anything to do with my mother, I barely get to even talk to my kids. Much less get to see them. Do you have any tips?
Your situation has decades of complexities that I can't address. I hope, though, that you've discussed them with a therapist. Even when it's necessary to separate from a parent for one's mental well-being, it's still a traumatizing experience. We all long to have a warm and loving mommy and daddy and, when realizing that's not going to be a reality for us, it's devastating, no matter what your age.
While it's hurtful that your kids have chosen to live with your mother, you should do everything in your power to stay connected with them. Fortunately, we have texts, cell phones, and e-mails today so you can contact them without talking to your mom. Set up get-togethers for coffee, lunch, walks, or movies in neutral locations. Make it clear that you want a relationship with them even though you've disconnected from their grandma. Don't put them in the position of taking sides.
I'm sorry this is happening in your life and the heartache it's causing. Keep the lines of communication open with your kids. If they experienced you as a loving, supportive mom, they'd want to stay connected. If that wasn't the case, you could offer a sincere apology for where you failed and promise to do better. Best to you and your family.Helpful 17
I have a mother who acts almost childish. She's a God-fearing woman, but I notice she's been getting jealous because I spend time with my son and husband on weekends or I barely come out of my room (I currently reside with her). I just don't know what to do with her behavior. She's always undermining me when it comes down to certain things I do. She's in therapy, takes meds, and has hobbies. How can I better understand my mother's behavior?
The problems with your mother most likely aren't related to the subject of this article: mothers who get jealous of their daughters. As an adult child who lives with your mom, you've put yourself in a situation ripe for conflict. It's one where old patterns from your childhood come into play, and your mother once again sees you as a dependent youngster and not a mature, autonomous grownup.
As long as you're under her roof, expect your mom to undermine your decisions and see you as incompetent. Instead of focusing on why she behaves the way she does, you would be much wiser to look in the mirror and ask yourself: Why did I put myself, my husband, and my son in this situation? While you may have practical reasons (you lost a job, you need to save up money for a down payment, etc.), you must appreciate that you had other options but chose this one.
You may be wanting to re-visit your childhood in the hopes of fixing the past. You may be unconsciously hoping that this time your mother will be the loving and nurturing parent you longed for as a kid. There may also be something in your life that you're trying to avoid and your mother's house is serving as your hiding spot.
Dr. Robin Smith says, “Adulthood is to finish the unfinished business of childhood.” You can't go back to fix the past, but you can use what you've learned from it as a guide to move forward. Since your mother is in therapy and on medication, she's in good hands and is getting the professional help that she needs. Leave her up to the therapist and concentrate on yourself, your marriage, and your son. If your struggles with her persist, call the therapist and ask her if you can join in on one of the sessions with your mother to discuss some issues.Helpful 10
© 2017 McKenna Meyers