I knew that one day I'd write this hub, but it's not the easiest one that I've ever done. Today, I'm opening up a part of my heart to the world that I've kept closed too long. It would be selfish of me to not share my experience with others who may be hurting, and offer hope that there are better days ahead.
You may not have given my hubber name, "blessedmommy" a second thought. I'm the mother of four beautiful children, why wouldn't I feel "blessed?"
However, there's more to it than meets the eye. I am blessed with children here on earth, and I'm blessed to have children in Heaven. I feel very thankful to be a mother and to hold little ones in my arms, because at one time in my life, I didn't know if I'd ever be given that opportunity.
As a young bride of seventeen, I knew that I wanted children, but I decided to wait for awhile. When I did start trying, it took several months before I finally held the long-awaited positive pregnancy test in my hand and beamed. At nineteen, I was on my way to becoming a mommy.
I was about 3 months along the day that I walked into the doctor's office. Today I would hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time! As I lay on the table and the Doppler was ran across my belly, I listened intently. After a little while and no results, I tried to read the look on the face of my CNM. Something must be wrong. She tried a little more, then stopped. She couldn't find the heartbeat.
My world had stopped spinning for a moment then I grabbed onto hope again as she suggested an ultrasound. As I lay on the cold table and watched the screen, there was no sign of the tiny flutter. I was in a state of shock and denial. I couldn't accept the fact that my baby had gone to heaven so I kept clinging to any ounce of hope. She, unwilling to tell me the hard facts, suggested that I have another ultrasound done at the hospital to confirm what she believed.
Again I studied the screen and the face of the ultrasound tech. No sign of positivity. I had to go back to my CNM to get the results. When I arrived, she tried to tell me gently that there was no cardiac activity showing up, but must have seen in my reaction my sheer denial. So, instead of bluntly telling me the truth, she gave me one more false hope. This turned out to be torture. She said that I could go ahead and wait and have a hormone count done in a couple of days to see if the count was going up or down before I made the decision to have a D & C. The quantity of hormones would be solid confirmation one way or the other. The torment I felt over those next two days was almost unbearable.
Finally, it was time to go back and have the count done. I walked into the hospital on Mother's Day, 1997, and had my blood drawn. Then, with the support of my family around me, we were dealt the hard facts. My hormone levels had drastically dropped. My baby was gone. I spent my first Mother's Day mourning the loss of my baby.
The next day I had my D & C, and the day after that was my wedding anniversary. Up until this point, I was almost too numb to even cry. My husband and me took a short trip for our anniversary and to just get away for awhile after our heart-breaking ordeal. This was about the time when it really "hit" me. The grief that I experienced was more than I can describe. Tears would flow at any unexpected moment, and I would catch myself peering into the clouds pleading that God would give me just one glimpse of my baby. On the way home, we passed our church sign. It read, "God's delays are not God's denials." I clung to this, and I hoped that God would put a baby in my arms someday.
Despite the need to wait a few months before trying again to let myself heal both physically and emotionally, I was eager to fill the hole in my heart just as quickly as possible. So, I got pregnant again immediately. I was thrilled to find out that I was pregnant again, but my joy was guarded. Everything was going well until my seventh week when I started spotting. I went to the doctor and my hormone level was good, so I was put on bed rest. The bleeding just got heavier and heavier until one day I passed a little sac. I refused to believe that it was anything besides a blood clot, and I just went straight to bed. When I finally went to the doctor, he performed an ultrasound, and the screen shown only a little "spot" where my baby once had been. Again I was thrust into the emotional torment all over again.
People were sympathetic at first, but then couldn't understand why I couldn't get over the pain. Because they hadn't "seen" my babies, the loss just wasn't as real for them. When I needed love and support the most, people just didn't understand. "You're young, you can try again," or "Sometimes that's just nature's way of dealing with things because something may have been wrong with the baby." I know that their remarks were well-intended, but as for me, I had already loved these babies, and had since I first seen the positive pregnancy tests. I was careful to protect my babies, I watched how and what I ate, I made sure I didn't "overdo it" and I just couldn't understand what went wrong. My babies were so real to me and I had endured a great loss and people just weren't getting it.
A Hope Fulfilled
I wisely took the advice of my doctor to wait at least four months before trying again, but as soon as the time was up, I got pregnant immediately. I was scared and I worried constantly.
When I was about 6 to 7 weeks along, I began spotting. I plunged into despair. I didn't even feel like I could pray, and I told others that it wouldn't do any good to pray for me, because I didn't have faith. Well, God, the loving Father that He is, didn't judge me in my weak moment, but looked upon me in compassion. I finally did pray, and when I did, my prayers poured out of me. The bleeding stopped within about 24 hours. About 71/2 months later, I delivered a very healthy baby boy who is my pride and joy. Two years later, I got pregnant with my daughter who was also born very healthy.
My father, who is a minister, had a dream. He dreamed that God took my baby to Heaven, and when he did, there were three holes in the sky representing three babies. Then, there was a lovely writing come across the sky that said, "Thank you for letting me go."
We never could understand this dream since I had only lost two babies, but the answer was yet to come.
I waited a long time before trying for a third. Well, four years, anyway. At one point, I do believe that I must have been pregnant. I never had it officially confirmed, but I knew the symptoms. After a bit, I started cramping, and passed something that looked like tissue. I felt a new kind of grief. Since my pregnancy had not been officially confirmed, others were quick to pass it off. But in reality it had been confirmed, before it was conceived. It was through Daddy's dream. God was letting me know in advance that my babies were happy and safe with Him.
Right after this experience, I got pregnant again. I had one of the easiest pregnancies that any mother could hope for. My labor was almost not even labor it went so well. Another happy and healthy baby boy was placed into my arms.
I love children so much - especially my own. I really wanted another baby so badly even after the third one but somehow a sense of guilt would come over me. Why can't I just be happy? The Lord has blessed you with three healthy children. The finances are tight and another baby would just add to the financial load. I tried to reason with myself. But then one day, my niece and nephew were over and playing with my three and the look of all of those children playing together made me want another one so bad that my heart ached. So God decided to give me a surprise. We weren't trying for a baby at the time but I started getting all the symptoms. I went to the dollar store and picked up a cheap test. Sure enough, it showed positive. I went and had it officially confirmed and the tears came freely right in front of the nurse. I was so happy. My newest arrival came this year, just two and a half months ago...another little boy. He was born on my Daddy's birthday just a few minutes before midnight. He barely made it on that day and we all were sweating it and praying that he'd be born before midnight so his PaPa could have a "special" gift. God gave us the desires of our hearts.
So that's why I'm a "blessedmommy."
"To My Angel"
Read More From Wehavekids
God gave me a high honor
That many never know;
For just on certain people
This honor is bestowed.
I'm a mother of an angel
That lives with God above;
God's told you all about me,
So you know how much you're loved.
I knew that you were special
Even from the very start;
A priceless little cherub-
Always part of Mommy's heart.
But Jesus saw an angel
As He looked down below;
He made me an angel's mommy
When He gave you your halo.
And though I'll miss you so
You're safe with Him forever,
And I'm looking forward to the day
When we'll spread our wings together.
by: Carisa Gourley
Baby 1: You were the first to cause me to feel a mother's love.
Baby 2: I may not hold you in my arms, but I will always hold you in my heart.
Baby 3: Reserve me some wings, I'll be there someday!
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
Maryann wanjiru on March 12, 2019:
Hello am new here and i lost two pregnancy
Micayla on May 29, 2018:
Honestly I was searching how to be ok when no one else knows I had a mc and I felt very alone,but this then popedup and I now know im not alone.
I had a mc never told anyone except my bf I had to hide my pain from everyone,my bf is so emotionaly drained and I mean its different to talk to a male as it is to talk to a female.
Anyway I found outafter my mc I have a deformity in my uterus and may oneday always have mc's they operated and I still have a bicornut uterus but my septum was cut out. I was so angry at God ,but I trust him idk why I had to go thru so much and my friends have healthy pregnancies,but I trust in God. This msg gave me hope I believe now that prayer is powerful so thankyou for that, I also know now that im not alone
Jaja on April 30, 2018:
I had a miscarriage 9 months ago. Im supposed to be on my 10th week then when i had cramps and brown spotting. When we went for my ultrasound the sonologist told us she can't find the heartbeat, maybe the baby is too small, but of course i knew at 10 weeks there should be. I already had 3 boys then so i know. Then she told me to come back and my ob told me to cone back after 2 weeks, gave me meds and advised to have a complete bed rest. The pain and bleeding increases. 3 days after i passed a big blood clot with white meatlike thing. We did ultrasound right away then it was confirmed i had miscarriage, the fetus stopped developing at 6 weeks! I feel numb, i didnt cry because i didn't know what or how to feel at that moment. I feel relaxed, i felt like I'm okay. I didnt undergo d&c procedure.
Days pass, as i recall what happened, at first i felt guilt, i had brown spotting then waited til i saw fresh blood before i went to my ob. Then i felt terrible pain of loosing my angel. Everyday im grieving, worst thing is that i feel like im the only one grieving for my baby. Nobody knows what im going through, not even my siblings. My mom told me not to tell because its shameful, i already had 3 and then i get oregnant again. So i ended up grieving alone, need to cope up alone.
When i got my first period, i saw blood again, that's when i really broke down, i cried for hours.
Now, im pregnant again, im scared of what will happen. Feeling cramps days before my pregnancy is confirmed.
Brit on July 20, 2017:
Thank you for your honesty in this. I never wanted kids but when my husband and I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant, God DRAMATICALLY changed my heart then only 7 weeks later took our twins. There's such a "silent" hurt in my heart. Silent because you can't tell an excited mom to be that you're stabbed in the heart to hear about her pregnancy. Or hear mothers exclaim their frustrations in motherhood, at least you have your kids here!! I think to myself. I always feel so alone and so empty. My husband and I are trying again but I can't shake the faithlessness I have in God. When I read your post it was a breath of fresh air, finally someone understands. As a believer I know all the truth people tell me about God and His plans, etc. but unless you experience a loss like this yourself, sometimes I wish people wouldn't try to make sense out of it for me.
Anyway, thank you for this. I'll probably read it again and again. You
momof2prinzesangels on October 27, 2012:
Thank you Blessedmommy for sharing your hub. I experienced a miscarriage during my first pregnancy which was with twins in 2008. As I come upon the 4 year anninversary I still feel numb and hurt. I hurt when I see so many around me especially young teenagers having babies and often just cry. Thank you for reminding me that I am a mother of not just 1 angel but of 2 beautiful angels. I love my girls and look forward to meeting them one day!
hijadeeldios from New York on July 15, 2012:
This was an answer to prayer. You have no idea. This past Mother's Day I went into labor at two months and came home with nothing except emotional and physical pain. I have been praying through this and some days I feel like I will get better and other days I feel like I am dying inside. Your poem was beautiful and it helped put a new perspective on my life. Thank you.
Amy on April 01, 2012:
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I myself a
Have had 2 miscarriages this year and believe I just had my third. All blood tests came back normal and I'm left in such confusion and sadness that no one seems to be able to understand. I finally feel like someone (you)understands what I'm going thru and that means the world to me. I am a christian and know God is good.thank you for being open. I'm so happy for you and your all of your children. God bless you.
Hollie on March 19, 2012:
This story is sooo amazing and just what I needed to read today. On Feb. 20, 2012 I went in for a regular check up and learned our baby had no heartbeat. Two ultrasounds and a week later I had a D and C. Today, results came back from genetics and pathology and our baby boy was "normal". Basically it means no gentic defects and everything with me was fine but something( doc thinks his heart) did not form correctly. It is devastating! I am still deeply saddened, but I take comfort in knowing my son is with the Lord. Thank you for sharing your story and for the beautiful poem.
bijoux on March 16, 2012:
i lost my baby boy on 22 feb 2012 after 3hrs of delivery.it happened so fast that i thot it was a dream.i thank God fo jesus who gvs the strengh to move on bt he will owez b in my heart.my hubby and i named hm ASHER.thank u fo your stories nd am looking forward to my bundle of joys coz God is eva faithful!
rods on March 10, 2012:
you served as an inspiration for me.
Tracy H on February 22, 2012:
Thank you for this story. I was happily pregnant with our first child, and all seemed to be going well. Until yesterday. I went for routine exam--no heartbeat. I went for the ultrasound--no movement, no color... I am 17 weeks 2 days, and the baby measured 14 weeks 2 days... I am beyond devastated right now, especially since my D and C is not for another day or two. This story was very helpful, and I hope to be as blessed as you are in the future.
Diane on February 20, 2012:
I recently had a miscarriage yest. I was 4 weeks pregnant 3 days later when I found out I started spotting and got heavier each day until a big tissue came out of me I decide to go to the ER this is my second miscarriage I didn't want to believe I was going through it again but I started to prepare myself to what the doctors where going to say ! I'm lost for words right now & don't understand why ? Your story got to me & mad me feel better yet I cried cause I can relate to what you felt !! Thank you for sharing your story !! (:
nancy on January 16, 2012:
i lost my baby in the 4th months of pregnancy,
it was really hard for me to accept the fact that i lost my baby "summer" i named my baby before he finally took out inside of me,
til now i can't move on..while i'm reading your story, I'm crying right here in front of my computer, i thought i'm the only who experienced losing a baby.....
someday god's will put a baby in my arms,but for now i should pursue my study with my husband, I'm still young at the age of 20....god bless and be happy(^_^) god is good all the time.
Shalini on January 13, 2012:
Heather Marie- I can understand your pain and loss,but dont lose hopes,God is there .He will help you come out of this pain.I know exactly how it feels,i have lost my babies twice,i still miss them every moment.But what gives me strength is the only feeling that no matter what,God is there with me.....Take care of yourself.
Missing My Baby on January 13, 2012:
Heather Marie - I am so sorry for your loss. It is just dreadful and a pain no parent should have to go through. Just recognise the loss of your baby and reach out to your partner. I have had a few miscarriages. As recent as 2 months ago I lost baby Charlie. I was carrying her for 17 wks. So I had to deliver and I will never forget it. You will grieve for your baby and never forget your baby. I will keep you in my prayers... Mind Yourself
Heather marie on January 13, 2012:
I'm in the hospital right now losing my precious baby. I was told that I would never get pregnant so this was a surprise.t the father and I are both in college and were not ready at all but when we heard the little heartbeat we fell in love with our baby bean. He was going to make such a great father. We had both completely changed our lives in the two weeks we knew. At 7weeks our baby is gone and so is our dream. How will I ever get back to normal?
Shalini on January 11, 2012:
I lost my first baby in the 4th mnth of pregnancy..It was a terrible shock to me ..after waiting for a year i had a beautiful daughter who is 10 yrs now.I have spinal problems and was not supposed to get pregnant again,but last year i found one day that i am having a life inside me.I was so happy and desperate for this baby.But unfortunely my spinal pain became so unbearable that my doctors suggested me to get my pregnancy terminated otherwise my spinal problem might even make my body paralysed.I was left with no option other than termination as i had to stay physically fit to be able to take care of my daughter.This tragedy made me go in depression.An year has passed but i still cannot come out of this depression.I miss my baby....I hope God is taking care of her ( i have feeling it was a baby girl) ...I love you my babies......
charlie on January 11, 2012:
Thanks for the nice article. I lost the baby today. It happened way too fast. Cramps and spotting last night. Sonographer could not the heartbeat anymore today. 4 hours later we bidded the baby farewell at the operating table. At 8 weeks old in my womb, the baby finally has the last beat. 2 lost within 6 months. I am not sure if I can ever cope with the grief, but I believed and still believe strongly that the Lord has a marvellous plan for us as He knows our heart and desire to be the best parent we could ever wish to be. Although time is not on our side, I remember the story of Sarah in the Bible, and will continue to pray and to stay faithful to God's promise. May God bless all mothers who have their angels in Heaven with our loving Father.
feeyuh on January 04, 2012:
Nice story.. my ob told me I had a miscarriage cause she can't find a heart beat... few days later before I was about to take meds for my placenta to fall I had gotten sick I went to the emergency letting them know what my ob said... after test and ultrasound I HAD A LIVE BABY WITH A STRONG HEART BEAT....
Jiraiya'smommy on December 29, 2011:
Thank you for sharing your story. My fiancé and i lost our baby boy on Christmas day 12/25/2011. I went to the hospital on christmas eve with cramps and i was thinking that it wasn't bad until an half an hour it got more intense, my sister and my fiancé took me to the ER. and the doctors found that my water sac was in my vagina and it was already to late to stop the contractions and too late to push the baby back in. I had to go through a normal labor and delivery. The doctors said the baby wasn't gonna make it. I was 23 weeks pregnant. I felt that what have I done wrong or why didn't they see this coming. while having my contractions i was put on epidural and hours later, i didn't feel the baby go down until the nurse check me and told me that the baby is out and not breathing. My heart wanted to burst and i felt like someone took my breath away and rip my heart out. My baby boy will always be in my heart. When I was reading your story, I was so touch to your story and realize that Im not the only one that is going through it. Your story gave me strength and hope. It help me see that there is hope.
REST in Paradise baby Jiraiya De jesus!
Doris A on December 20, 2011:
Thank you for posting this story of hope. i just had a miscarriage just like you where my baby did not have cardiac activity. The nurse ran the doppleracross my belly and she could not find the fetal heart beat, she ran to get ultrasound machine and when the doctor ran th ultrasound i could rad hr reaction that did show me that news was not good. she did hold my hand and said im sorry your baby is not a live. this broke my heart since it was only 2 months and i was eager to see and hold my angel like other mothers;I still have alot of pain when i wake up and find that im not carrying her anymore but through your story i can gain strenth and hope for future. thank s again.
Karen J. on December 20, 2011:
I had a mascarriage some years ago and from this point I really was afraid of getting pregnant again. Luckily I found an interesting eBook which helped me getting pregnant again and I finally conceived my healthy baby 3 month ago. Feel free to take a look at my site @ http://www.getting-pregnant-after-miscarriage.com/
MrsJay on December 19, 2011:
Thank you so much for sharing your read. As I was reading it, I felt as though you were had taken a peak into my heart and put all my feelings and emotions into words. I have lost 2 children over the course of one year. One at 15 weeks and the other at 23 weeks. I too have/am had to endure comments such as, you'll have more, your young, it was just a bad pregnancy, it wasn't meant to among many more cruel comments. I loved my baby before I conceived and that love grew when I got my first positive test and continue to grow daily. My heart aches daily. I am a Christian, saved and filled with the Holy Ghost so I know God's promises. But I am in flesh and even though my arms are empty, I am a still a mother and I miss my babies everyday. Burying my second baby was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. It's because of God that I'm still here, but it's still my desire to have healthy babies here on earth with me. I thank you for sharing and I look forward to sharing this Hub with my husband. Finally, someone who knows EXACTLY how I feel. Other peoples lives go on after our lost, but we still love our children. Thanks again! Praying for good news soon. God Bless!
Deborah Brooks Langford from Brownsville,TX on December 05, 2011:
What a wonderful story you are blessed..I lost three children before I had my two sons..they are now in their 30's After losing my children I didn't think I would ever have any children.. I realize now God knows what is best. it just wasn't time for me.. thank you for writing this. I am blessed reading it.I voted up and beautiful.
Arlene on December 01, 2011:
That is amazing story and gives so much inspiration. I had a miscarriage last week at 8 weeks. It has been a very difficult and emotional week. Started spotting the week before and when we went in for scan, they couldn't pick up a heartbeat. I knew at once that something was wrong even though the nurse explained that my baby was smaller than expected so my dates were wrong therefore no heartbeat yet. I lived in hope and continued to talk to my baby everyday hoping to encourage "him" to grow and that we couldn't wait to have him in our lives. I had always felt that my little peanut would be a boy and that is how I will remember "him". I could never imagine how this would feel, the emptiness the loss is painful. I hope this will get easier and that oneday we will be able to hold a healthy baby in our arms.
Sam on November 26, 2011:
I have just gone through a miscarriage an I am dying inside. I thank you for your beautiful heart and loving spirit. One that hasn't forgotten your angels. I will not either. I too, long to be a mommy and may god bless us all that have experienced this. :(
rosie miller on November 16, 2011:
the storys on this website really touches me! i have a little brother who died on the 5/1/09 and miss him dearly! i feel for all mothers who have to say good-bye to their angels.
Jo on November 14, 2011:
Thanks for sharing this story ~ makes me feel better looking at another way .. I got one angel baby and I feel the mothers love .. Although i miscarriage like more than one year ago .. I feel so hurt until now and can't wait to get pregnant again ..
Rita on November 08, 2011:
m down today....i had it done at 6 week but still not able to recover....hope the days will come again when i can have the pleasure of been a mother......i wish no one goes through these days again.....
Sharon on November 06, 2011:
I am in the proccess of miscarrying my twins at 12 weeks. I feel nothing but numbness and really dont think it has hit me yet. My partner walked out when he found out i was expecting so i really have no one to turn to and feel this is something i now have to deal with on my own. Finding this post has made me realise so many others are going through the same thing, but right now i just feel so alone and emotionless.
Jennifer on November 06, 2011:
I am going through a miscarriage right now. I feel so confused, upset, and somewhat in denial. As soon as I had my positive pregnancy test I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness. We have a beautiful little girl already and she was so excited to be the big sister. We went in for our first doctors appointment and I had an ultrasound and I saw our baby and his or her heartbeat. Everything was fine, perfect! Then, on week 10 I started lightly spotting and cramping and we went to the doctors and my biggest fears came to light. There wasn't a heartbeat and my baby wasn't with us. I know my baby is in Heaven but I hurt so bad. Thank you for your post. I want other children but I am so scared to try again.
kelsey layne on November 05, 2011:
I am so happy after reading this. I just lost my second baby. I now have 2 angel babies. I still have hope.. Thank you so much!! (:
BridgetHigh on November 04, 2011:
Thank you for sharing your story!
We have lost 3 and with each one my sadness has grown stronger. Like you, I wanted to be pregnant again right away. After 3 m/c w/in 4 months I am finally taking the advice to wait for my body to heal. Your story gives me hope that I will one day hold a baby in my arms.
mommaniahh from Riverside on October 28, 2011:
BlessedMommy , im 17 and had a miscarriage not too long ago. And although i am young im grown up inside. i cry myself to sleep every night blaming myself for what has happened. but your story has helped me, thanks (:
rayechan from Missouri on October 24, 2011:
After reading this article, I have to admit that I was a little teary for awhile. I understand the pain because I've gone through several miscarriages.
Many of my friends and family (and even my ex at one point) didn't seem to understand the joys of holding those positive tests and then within a very short three weeks of nearly each one, losing the baby I was carrying. Many of my friends even got onto me since I had first gotten pregnant at 18 (which was a surprise for me) because doctors originally had told me I couldn't ever have a child.
The lose of a child is the worst thing I feel a woman can go through. There's no words to console a grieving mother and it seems, unless the person consoling you has gone through it themselves, their words aren't what you're looking for.
After losing my child back in 2010 (which I really don't want to go into details about) I felt that I could never have children again nor would I want to from fear.
I am blessed now with my boyfriend as we tried for so long and eventually God answered our prayers. After I had a dream one night after losing the 2nd one we had tried for, God told me in my dream that if I trust him and let him work, he'll give me a child. But, in the dream he said I had to trust him. And that even though we were grieving the lose of our children, that all the ones I had lost were safe in heaven and loved me as much I love them.
Thank you for sharing this though. It has to be difficult and scary to share something so personal as this.
Ashley on August 12, 2011:
That story was very beautiful. It sure has gave me hope. I've been trying for that positive test for a while now. And I'm the mean time I've also miscarried 2. I'm kinda at the point that there's something wrong even thou my OB is telling me I'm ok and very capable of carrying a baby. Reading this has raised my spirits and faith. I had stopped praying and just gave up. I now know that there is hope. Thank You so much for sharing this. I know it had to be hard to open that to every one. But thank you again it was very useful. And helped more then u can imagin.
sabi on June 05, 2011:
Thanks for ur story... my doc jus told me that i wil have to go through D&C as there is no cardiac activity seen. This was my 1st pregnancy.....
Fikayo Balogun from London on May 27, 2011:
There is nothing like the loss of a child, whether by miscarriage or any other means. Even people who willing have abortion for the first time go through the depression. I'm glad you made it through and you can now write about it. I think its great the way you have distant yourself from the situation in the writing, it only shows how good a writer you are. Good Job.
Elena@LessIsHealthy on May 17, 2011:
I hit the awesome hub button.
mel on May 11, 2011:
Tnx u so much for ur beautiful story
Being hispanic, we celebrated mothers day yesterrday, I was excited to see my baby again, only to find out there was no more heartbeat. My little one, my miracle after 7 yrs of trying, gone. Still in me but lifeless
Emma from UK on March 06, 2011:
I have written my own story for the very same reason as you wrote this. It is strange how we unite in pain. But the support is only meaningful from some one who has felt it. My love to you on sharing your story for others.
Samantha on February 28, 2011:
Thank you for your story. I just miscarried twins on Saturday(8 weeks) and just can't quite thinking and grieving about it. I am very hurt. I never thought it would happen to me. I have two beautiful children here on earth and two beautiful angel babies. Thank you for your encouraging story.
amber on February 09, 2011:
thank you so much for this...im 19 years old and i just recently had a miscarriage....im so heartbroken. although i know i will see that baby in heaven someday its so hard i never thought i would have to go through this kind of pain. but i know god has a plan for me just as he had a plan for you..im trying to stay strong and look forward..how did you get threw it? god bless you
NolaSunshine on January 12, 2011:
Thank you for this story. I had a miscarriage 3 1/2 weeks ago, I was 7 weeks. I am still not myself. I have wanted another baby for 9 years but wasn't in the "right place" in my life. Once I was, we tried and right away I got pregnant. I felt the whole time like it was too easy. I am still so sad. This story brings me hope.
I am also blessed with a daughter. She will be 12 years old in a few months.
God Bless you and everyone on this post.
Jorby's mommy on December 13, 2010:
Thank you so much for sharing your story, like many other on here, I was also brought to tears. I had a miscarriage on 9-2-2010 at 71/2 weeks, I got pregnant again shortly after and found out last Friday during my 2nd ultrasound that the heartbeat was no longer there; however, the doctor found a second heartbeat, I was ecstatic! Unfortunately, I went in today for a follow up and the 2nd baby has also passed away. It is very frustrating.
Sher Lessons on November 28, 2010:
Thank you for sharing your story. I admire your strength to share and give hope to others. My heart goes out to you and all the women on here that suffered the loss of their baby. I have been blessed with 4 children, two are angel's. It's been a long, hard road but given time the healing does come. When I write my story, I will link your story to mine. God bless you.
Sara on November 27, 2010:
i had a miscarriage on oct. 25th and although i was only 6 weeks but i felt a strong bond between me and my baby..i still feel guilty coz i may have done too much effort and i should have been more careful...my baby will always be in my heart...my little angel i'm sorry i couldn't hold u in my arms and keep u safe...
markelle mommy on November 21, 2010:
This poem brought major tears to my eyes ..god knows how much I miss my baby and only if I would have gotten too hold him in my arms ,tears are uncontrollable streaming down my face !!god wanted me too read this poem too give me strength and faith to qoo on ..
Markelle mommy !
catherine on November 20, 2010:
Dear Isabel,So sorry to hear of your lost babies. They will always be your babies. Life is cruel sometimes but I am sure they felt loved because they were wanted. Don't give up..The pain is unreal I know, and just when you think you are getting through,you hear of somebody else you know of is successfully pregnant! Remember sometimes life chooses us, we don't choose it-that is the baby for you will arrive when he/she is ready. I like to believe so anyhow. Take care my sweet, I wish I could ease your pain. XXcatherine
Isabel Rheinhard on November 19, 2010:
I have just lost my 4th baby (on the 9th Nov, 2010)
My first - May 2008, my twins - March 2010, and now my 4th.................
Your story & feelings are so similar to mine......
I'm still numb & cannot cry. I'm still angry & can't believe in anything....... I want to crawl into a hole and never climb out.
I feel so debilitated and empty...........
I wish I could find a glimmer of hope, but right now..... my heart is too raw.
A part of me want to try again (after I have chromosomal tests done), but a part of me just wants to give up. I'm 35 years old and wish I had done things differently (instead of waiting to be married and then have a child)
I can't face my pregnant friends and hate the person I've become.
I hope, like you, that God will one day hear my prayers and bless me with a healthy baby............
Heidi on November 06, 2010:
Thank you so much! I needed this so bad!
Kimmie on September 28, 2010:
Your story just gave me new hope. I lost my baby 1 month ago and your story made me realise that many women go through this and we get through it with the help of God.
mimi on September 16, 2010:
hi this is really heart touching story i also had miscariage recently so ican understand the feelings but no one understand in the family.
mommyofanangel on September 15, 2010:
I too have been throught the pain of a miscarriage. Today make 1 month that God called our angel home. After reading this I have a renewed Faith. All i have heard from people is get over it already, let it go, you can try again. Thank you and God Bless to all of you who have shared, it makes people like me believe again.
godblessmybaby on August 06, 2010:
Thanks for sharing this hub... It gives me hope after just experiencing a miscarriage a few days ago... At 7 weeks pregnant and hearing the heartbeat we were estatic to be pregnant & be parents. GOD had other plans for us. Later that night I started cramping and bleeding heavy and I realized at the moment I was having a miscarriage. I went to the ER and I had passed everything, so no D&C needed. I am heart broken, but we have hope & are going to try again in 3 months. Your story really brings me comfort & hope. Thanks for sharing. God Bless you & your beautiful family. I will see you in heaven "my little precious angel."
mommysays on July 10, 2010:
My hub suggested yours...so glad it did. You really captured the feelings afterward when the world tells you to "Just try again". I now have 4 healthy children too after a lost angel when I was trying to become a mommy the first time. Recently I started trying for one final addition to my family. I think I lost her too. I say her because I feel in my heart there was meant to be a little one named Grace. So good to feel connected to another through your hub. God bless.
Kristina on May 23, 2010:
My 1st pregnancy mirrored your first pregnancy almost identically. Went in for my 1st ultrasound at about 3 months; didn't hear a heartbeat, saw the baby, not moving on the screen. Confirmed at hospital. Although we already knew, we received the news from our CNM. Had D & C a few days later. I had that first ultrasound the day after Mother's Day this year. It helps to know other women have shared in my experinece and gained hope, strength & appreciation.
starGabriella on May 10, 2010:
This story brings tears to my eyes. Although I am only 18 and my pregnancy was unplanned, I loved my baby with all my heart and I feel broken that I am never going to see what my first child would have been like.
Yesterday was Mother's Day and I can't bear to think that I am no longer a mother. Thank you for the story, it is really encouraging.
pomaikai on April 02, 2010:
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I lost my first baby in 2008 and my second just a couple of weeks ago. It's such a difficult thing to go through. There are so many emotions and feelings that come with the loss, that most people don't understand, unless they've been through it themselves. Hearing your story has given me hope.. Thank you!!
kirsten on March 24, 2010:
hey. i just wanted to thank you for your words. i am having my second miscarriage right now and i feel like my heart is breaking and like God has thrown me out of the genepool or something. somehow reading what you wrote made me feel a litlle more hope.
Dmrfam from India on March 02, 2010:
Thank You for sharing this beautiful thought. It was sad to read it but yet so beautiful..Few years ago I had to face a situation where I did not know how to console my best friend who lost her baby after completing her nine months of pregnancy. I knew what she was going through but I did not know what to tell her except that I understood her sorrow. I wish I had read your hub few years earlier to tell her about her angel and how proud she should be that God chose her to be a mommy to an angel.
Ramona Simpson on December 26, 2009:
I am sorry that your babies are in Heaven I'm not sorry in a bad way. I know how it feels to lose a baby I've lost 2 of my own that way then I got bleseed with my other baby, she passed away in 1989. But I got blessed with another baby, she's doing good. May God keep you and bless you.
Carisa Gourley (author) from Oklahoma City Metro, Oklahoma on November 30, 2009:
Thank you for your comment, pregnancy test, although at the time I felt anything but strong. My strength has come through sharing my story in hopes that God will use it will bring hope to others. God bless.
pregnancy test on November 30, 2009:
your hub shows how strong you are, god bless you!
Susie on October 24, 2009:
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I was surprised and overjoyed to find out I was pregnant with my second child about 3 weeks ago, but I miscarried last week. I also know and understand God's love and have been searching for comfort in His word. I find the well-intentioned comments of friends and family the hardest to endure, even though I know their hearts are truly grieved for me. I don't want pity, and I don't want to be "cheered up". I just want to get through a day without crying... One breath, one moment, one day at a time...
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and told him about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?" -Unknown
Carisa Gourley (author) from Oklahoma City Metro, Oklahoma on July 27, 2009:
rsmallory: Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and for sharing your song with us. It is beautiful and a very nice addition to this hub. I trust that those who read it will be comforted. God Bless.
Rebecca Sue Mallory from Central Texas on July 27, 2009:
Rocking Chairs in Heaven
By Rebecca Mallory
When a child is taken from us
no matter their shape or form
our hearts are filled with sadness
our thoughts are so forlorn
and oh this aching feeling
is almost to much to bare
my one and only comfort
is the thought of rocking chair
for there are rocking chairs in heaven
I think they must line the walls
and an army of angels
ready when an infant calls
they're there to show them mercy
to comfort and hold them tight
and I know that there's an angel
rocking my baby tonight
I thank God that there's an angel
rocking my baby tonight
My heart is broken for the author and commentors who have experienced this pain. I myself have not. My daughter had a miscarriage last year and I wrote the song above for her. God bless each of you.
Carisa Gourley (author) from Oklahoma City Metro, Oklahoma on July 21, 2009:
wbocianski: Please don't look at it like God took your baby but that He welcomed your baby to Heaven.
The Bible says that it rains on the just and the unjust. Bad things happen to everyone at times...whether we are good or bad...but those who trust in God have Him to turn to when things go wrong. It is important to remember that God doesn't kill babies, He gives them life. If that life is too short for whatever reason (and there are many reasons this could be) then God is there to welcome that life back to Himself. He hurts for you and feels your pain. Yes, God could stop all pain in life but sometimes He lets us feel the pain. Even though He allows it He doesn't cause it. Our response to the pain is what makes us who we are and how we can reach out to others.
I will add, however, that everything that you are feeling right now is normal. God isn't mad at you for feeling confused and hurt and He doesn't care if you ask Him why. As a matter of fact He WANTS you to talk to Him about it and tell Him everything that you're feeling. He loves you and He loves your baby and is taking the best care of it for you. One day when you join your baby in Heaven He may fill you in on exactly why He let it happen but by then you will be so joyful at your reunion that you will have forgotten all about your pain.
My prayers go with you.
wbocianski on July 21, 2009:
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your words. I just lost our little one last week and I'm still dealing with a lot of different emotions.
I loved the ending and if you don't mind I'll keep a copy for myself.
I'm glad that you kept your hopes and faith.....I've been trying to do the same but it's just so hard right now.
I'm sure that there's a reason why He took my little baby away, but right now it's almost impossible to even begin to understand it.
Your story gives me hope......I"ll hold on to that.
Carisa Gourley (author) from Oklahoma City Metro, Oklahoma on July 17, 2009:
Linda: I was touched by your comment. It is so wonderful how that God healed you. He loves us more than we'll ever know. And you can be assured that your twins are with Him and are waiting for you.
One of my favorite verses is...Though weeping may endure for a night, joy shall come in the morning. I believe that God demonstrated this passage to you when he blessed you with twin grandsons. That is beautiful!
Just think how much joy you will have walking into Heaven and your twins come running to embrace you! It's not just a far fetched thought that we use to comfort ourselves like some may think...but through Jesus it can one day be a reality!
Linda's Hub Pages on July 17, 2009:
Thank you for this hub..I had cancer 33 years ago,I had a pregnancy with twins,tumor,mole & cancer all at once.There were only 2 other women that had this type of cancer.I believed in Jesus,but was not saved.But He still loved me enough to heal me.I have had so many miracles now that I am saved even when my faith is weak.Thank you again for this hub.I lost my twins here on earth,but I believe that they are waiting for me in heaven.Also God has blessed me with twin grandsons.May God continue to bless you & yours.
Unique Eh on June 21, 2009:
All of these people who commented seems to have lost a baby. I am still a teen but I feel that all of you are really very brave. And you really are a brave and blessed mommy.
Carisa Gourley (author) from Oklahoma City Metro, Oklahoma on June 19, 2009:
Felicia: Your pain is definitely real. I'll be praying for your heart to be comforted.
felicia on June 18, 2009:
I have lost 2 babies.They were almost right at a year apart.I also have 2 living childrenMy last miscarriage was about a year ago now and there are days when it gets to me.I got so tired of hearing all the normal responses like you are young,it was meant to be,be happy with what you have.And while I love my children it doesn't make me miss the ones that are gone none the less.Only someone that has gone though a loss of a child can truly understand the pain.
sharrie69 from Trinidad (an island in the Caribbean) on June 16, 2009:
Just read your hub after posting my own miscarriage story as yours was featured on the sidebar. I am sorry for your losses - but you are right..we hold them in our hearts and love them all the same. Thank you for sharing your story.
ajcor from NSW. Australia on May 12, 2009:
blessed mommy thank you for putting your words down on paper for all of us to read - very brave - many years ago I too lost many babies before they were born but I am very thankful that in the end I managed to have two boys. But it is good to remember that there is always hope. The pain is horrendous and you never forget - and what well meaning people don't realise is that these babies are real to you, you have endowed them with your love, they have a place to take in your family and in your wider family, they may even have a name - they were and are the children of your heart...thank you for this hub...
TheSandman on April 29, 2009:
A sad but beautiful story and one which I am going to pass on to my wife who many many years ago lost a son at birth. I found you because you liked my "Trixie and Dixie" story Thank You ! Yes I guess I can be clever and witty but I suppose I sometimes rub people the wrong way IE mu Hub called "The Dream" I am glad to have you as a fan and am glad to have discovered you.
Carisa Gourley (author) from Oklahoma City Metro, Oklahoma on April 17, 2009:
Haleys Mommy: My heart cries out for you today and I know your pain is very great. I am asking God to comfort the hearts of you and your cousin.
haleys mommy on April 17, 2009:
I just lost a baby at sixteen weeks and am getting ready to bury him. My cousin also miscarried the same day (her second). I have a three year old and am truly blessed to have her, but am just in shock. I was not supposed to be able to get pregnant and actually went off fertility treatments and then got pregnant as my beloved MiMi was dying. I truly believe that this baby was a gift from GOD and something positive for my family to focus on. I know I am blessed for having him for four short months and I know where he is, but it is so easy to blame myself or wonder why. I have very strong faith and know I will see him again. I just don't want to hear, " you'll have another or GOD knows best" or whatever because I probably won't have another and I know GOD knows best! My three year old doesn't understand either and she was very involved with the pregnancy. My family is amazing and so is my husband. THe poem helped me a lot and I forwarded it to my cousin. Thanks for sharing your story.
Tara on March 17, 2009:
Wow, Thank you so much for posting this. I miscarried in November with my first and was three months along as well. My husband and I have been trying since then and have had no luck yet. With all of my friends and family members getting pregnant and having kids it is a constant reminder to me of the life we lost and often times gets me down. Today was one of those days where I felt down and I went to google and typed in inspirational quotes in hopes of reading something that would uplift me, I think for some reason this is what I was meant to read. Thank you so much and the poem was awesome!
Yanira on January 01, 2009:
Thank you for your story. I recently experienced a lost, but just like you, I believe my little angle is in a better place and that one day the Lord will let me see him!
Katie on December 16, 2008:
That was beautiful. I was truly moved. I am writing my college application paper on abortion and your story really inspired me. Thank you. I will pray for you and your six children. God Bless
brittany h on November 29, 2008:
i just want to say thank you for shareing your pain and happiness. I know how bad the hurt is i lost a son i was 22 weeks pregnant. I felt him move 20 minutes before i gave birth to him. he was already with the lord when he came out. There will always be a hole in my heart for my precious baby boy but hes in a much better place now. I am recently pregnant again n hopeing for the best praying for the best. My precious sons name was ATM II. He looked so very much like me i will never forget his whole body all 11 1/2 inches and 1 lb. of him.
kalyani on November 27, 2008:
thnks for your story coz i also underwent through 2 such miscarriages and one among them is of no cardiac activity same as your case and i lost all my hopes , and iam still going throught that pain hoping to listen some judgement from god , iam only praying god to fill my arms with beautifull baby who would be the world to me thats all is what iam begging god like anything iam left with no choice , i dont how god would fill up my wounds i still suffer that worst momment inmy family life too my husband aslo mourns in my absence , as all my neibours and collegues had babies other than me it pain a lot and understand to that extent when undergone i pray god not give this kind situation t o any mother i dont know god would clarify me when iam with him plz pray for some happiness in form of baby inot my life i wil thankfull to one and all
Carisa Gourley (author) from Oklahoma City Metro, Oklahoma on October 28, 2008:
You can't reaplce the baby you lost but you can meet it one day in Heaven. Meanwhile, when God puts that bundle of joy into your arms here on earth, which will probably be very soon, you will have unspeakable joy. You will feel as if you are the only mother on earth. God has now let me experience that joy 3 times even after the extreme pain that I experienced.
Erika on October 28, 2008:
Your story was very touching to me because I also had a miscarriage and I was devistated and sometimes when I think about it, it hurts me inside because no one will ever understand how it is unless they experienced the same thing. I'm still hoping to get pregnant soon and have a healthy baby. Good luck to you with everything.
Karma on June 05, 2008:
Thank you so much for writing this....I lost two within six months trying to do what you were trying to do, just become a mom. Im so glad to know another feels my pain. Thanks
soyelude from Lagos - Nigeria on December 19, 2007:
Very touching experience;sharing is caring...thanx for letting us in.
Carisa Gourley (author) from Oklahoma City Metro, Oklahoma on December 16, 2007:
Thank you, Elaine for the kind words. Yes, God does bless me. Even though there are things that I may not understand in this life, when I'm with Him He will make all things clear.
Gabriella, A verse from the Bible says...though weeping may endure for a night, joy will come in the morning. We have this promise to cling to. If we keep our trust in God, one day our sorrows will all be forgotten and the joy we will know will be beyond anything we have known in this world. David in the Bible said when he lost his baby, that he could not bring him back, but he could go to him. That's how we should look at it. This life is temporal, but Heaven is forever. What a happy reunion we'll have when we're reunited with our angels!
God bless you both!
gabriella05 from Oldham on December 16, 2007:
Yes Blessedmommy you have helped me, I also have 3 angels in heaven
Thank you for teaching me another way to look at my little angel
Elaine C on December 16, 2007:
Thanks for sharing!!!
Godblesses you always....
Carisa Gourley (author) from Oklahoma City Metro, Oklahoma on December 15, 2007:
Thanks Zsuzsy! It may seem sad now, but when we're reunited, it'll be a very happy time indeed!
Zsuzsy Bee from Ontario/Canada on December 15, 2007:
I try to avoid sad stories. But here I am. Your HUB brings back sad times but also hope for an eventual reunion...
Carisa Gourley (author) from Oklahoma City Metro, Oklahoma on December 15, 2007:
Thanks so much for that nice comment, Helena. I hope that my story will help someone that is hurting to take heart.
helenathegreat from Manhattan on December 15, 2007:
Thank you so much for sharing this story with the HP community! It's sad but beautiful, and it was courageous of you to share. Excellent hub.