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A Mother's Story on Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss — Feelings, Quotes, and Stories of Healing

I am the proud mother of 4 beautiful children (3 boys & 1 daughter)! I also have angels in Heaven that I've lost to miscarriage.

When I needed love and support the most, people just didn't understand.

When I needed love and support the most, people just didn't understand.

I knew that one day I'd write this article, but it's not the easiest one I've ever done. Today, I'm opening up a part of my heart to the world that I've kept closed too long. It would be selfish of me to not share my experience with others who may be hurting and to offer hope that there are better days ahead.

You may not have given my username, "blessedmommy", a second thought. I'm the mother of four beautiful children, why wouldn't I feel "blessed?"

However, there's more to it than meets the eye. I am blessed with children here on earth, and I'm blessed to have children in Heaven. I feel very thankful to be a mother and to hold little ones in my arms because at one point in my life, I didn't know if I'd ever be given that opportunity.

"My Story"

As a young bride of seventeen, I knew that I wanted children, but I decided to wait for awhile. When I did start trying, it took several months before I finally held the long-awaited positive pregnancy test in my hand and beamed. At nineteen, I was on my way to becoming a mommy.

I was about 3 months along the day that I walked into the doctor's office. Today I would hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time! As I lay on the table and the Doppler was ran across my belly, I listened intently. After a little while and no results, I tried to read the look on the face of my CNM. Something must be wrong. She tried a little more, then stopped. She couldn't find the heartbeat.

My world had stopped spinning for a moment then I grabbed onto hope again as she suggested an ultrasound. As I lay on the cold table and watched the screen, there was no sign of the tiny flutter. I was in a state of shock and denial. I couldn't accept the fact that my baby had gone to heaven so I kept clinging to any ounce of hope. She, unwilling to tell me the hard facts, suggested that I have another ultrasound done at the hospital to confirm what she believed.

Again I studied the screen and the face of the ultrasound tech. No sign of positivity. I had to go back to my CNM to get the results. When I arrived, she tried to tell me gently that there was no cardiac activity showing up, but must have seen in my reaction my sheer denial. So, instead of bluntly telling me the truth, she gave me one more false hope. This turned out to be torture. She said that I could go ahead and wait and have a hormone count done in a couple of days to see if the count was going up or down before I made the decision to have a D & C. The quantity of hormones would be solid confirmation one way or the other. The torment I felt over those next two days was almost unbearable.

Finally, it was time to go back and have the count done. I walked into the hospital on Mother's Day, 1997, and had my blood drawn. Then, with the support of my family around me, we were dealt the hard facts. My hormone levels had drastically dropped. My baby was gone. I spent my first Mother's Day mourning the loss of my baby.

The next day I had my D & C, and the day after that was my wedding anniversary. Up until this point, I was almost too numb to even cry. My husband and me took a short trip for our anniversary and to just get away for awhile after our heart-breaking ordeal. This was about the time when it really "hit" me. The grief that I experienced was more than I can describe. Tears would flow at any unexpected moment, and I would catch myself peering into the clouds pleading that God would give me just one glimpse of my baby. On the way home, we passed our church sign. It read, "God's delays are not God's denials." I clung to this, and I hoped that God would put a baby in my arms someday.

Despite the need to wait a few months before trying again to let myself heal both physically and emotionally, I was eager to fill the hole in my heart just as quickly as possible. So, I got pregnant again immediately. I was thrilled to find out that I was pregnant again, but my joy was guarded. Everything was going well until my seventh week when I started spotting. I went to the doctor and my hormone level was good, so I was put on bed rest. The bleeding just got heavier and heavier until one day I passed a little sac. I refused to believe that it was anything besides a blood clot, and I just went straight to bed. When I finally went to the doctor, he performed an ultrasound, and the screen shown only a little "spot" where my baby once had been. Again I was thrust into the emotional torment all over again.

People were sympathetic at first, but then couldn't understand why I couldn't get over the pain. Because they hadn't "seen" my babies, the loss just wasn't as real for them. When I needed love and support the most, people just didn't understand. "You're young, you can try again," or "Sometimes that's just nature's way of dealing with things because something may have been wrong with the baby." I know that their remarks were well-intended, but as for me, I had already loved these babies, and had since I first seen the positive pregnancy tests. I was careful to protect my babies, I watched how and what I ate, I made sure I didn't "overdo it" and I just couldn't understand what went wrong. My babies were so real to me and I had endured a great loss and people just weren't getting it.

A Hope Fulfilled

I wisely took the advice of my doctor to wait at least four months before trying again, but as soon as the time was up, I got pregnant immediately. I was scared and I worried constantly.

When I was about 6 to 7 weeks along, I began spotting. I plunged into despair. I didn't even feel like I could pray, and I told others that it wouldn't do any good to pray for me, because I didn't have faith. Well, God, the loving Father that He is, didn't judge me in my weak moment, but looked upon me in compassion. I finally did pray, and when I did, my prayers poured out of me. The bleeding stopped within about 24 hours. About 71/2 months later, I delivered a very healthy baby boy who is my pride and joy. Two years later, I got pregnant with my daughter who was also born very healthy.

My father, who is a minister, had a dream. He dreamed that God took my baby to Heaven, and when he did, there were three holes in the sky representing three babies. Then, there was a lovely writing come across the sky that said, "Thank you for letting me go."

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We never could understand this dream since I had only lost two babies, but the answer was yet to come.

I waited a long time before trying for a third. Well, four years, anyway. At one point, I do believe that I must have been pregnant. I never had it officially confirmed, but I knew the symptoms. After a bit, I started cramping, and passed something that looked like tissue. I felt a new kind of grief. Since my pregnancy had not been officially confirmed, others were quick to pass it off. But in reality it had been confirmed, before it was conceived. It was through Daddy's dream. God was letting me know in advance that my babies were happy and safe with Him.

Right after this experience, I got pregnant again. I had one of the easiest pregnancies that any mother could hope for. My labor was almost not even labor it went so well. Another happy and healthy baby boy was placed into my arms.

I love children so much - especially my own. I really wanted another baby so badly even after the third one but somehow a sense of guilt would come over me. Why can't I just be happy? The Lord has blessed you with three healthy children. The finances are tight and another baby would just add to the financial load. I tried to reason with myself. But then one day, my niece and nephew were over and playing with my three and the look of all of those children playing together made me want another one so bad that my heart ached. So God decided to give me a surprise. We weren't trying for a baby at the time but I started getting all the symptoms. I went to the dollar store and picked up a cheap test. Sure enough, it showed positive. I went and had it officially confirmed and the tears came freely right in front of the nurse. I was so happy. My newest arrival came this year, just two and a half months ago...another little boy. He was born on my Daddy's birthday just a few minutes before midnight. He barely made it on that day and we all were sweating it and praying that he'd be born before midnight so his PaPa could have a "special" gift. God gave us the desires of our hearts.

So that's why I'm a "blessedmommy."

"To My Angel"

God gave me a high honor

That many never know;

For just on certain people

This honor is bestowed.

I'm a mother of an angel

That lives with God above;

God's told you all about me,

So you know how much you're loved.

I knew that you were special

Even from the very start;

A priceless little cherub-

Always part of Mommy's heart.

But Jesus saw an angel

As He looked down below;

He made me an angel's mommy

When He gave you your halo.

And though I'll miss you so

You're safe with Him forever,

And I'm looking forward to the day

When we'll spread our wings together.

by: Carisa Gourley

Copyright ©2007-2020

If you hold to Jesus as He holds your baby...through Him you'll be connected.

If you hold to Jesus as He holds your baby...through Him you'll be connected.

Baby 1: You were the first to cause me to feel a mother's love.

Baby 2: I may not hold you in my arms, but I will always hold you in my heart.

Baby 3: Reserve me some wings, I'll be there someday!

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.

© 2007 Carisa Gourley

Comments

Maryann wanjiru on March 12, 2019:

Hello am new here and i lost two pregnancy

Micayla on May 29, 2018:

Honestly I was searching how to be ok when no one else knows I had a mc and I felt very alone,but this then popedup and I now know im not alone.

I had a mc never told anyone except my bf I had to hide my pain from everyone,my bf is so emotionaly drained and I mean its different to talk to a male as it is to talk to a female.

Anyway I found outafter my mc I have a deformity in my uterus and may oneday always have mc's they operated and I still have a bicornut uterus but my septum was cut out. I was so angry at God ,but I trust him idk why I had to go thru so much and my friends have healthy pregnancies,but I trust in God. This msg gave me hope I believe now that prayer is powerful so thankyou for that, I also know now that im not alone

Jaja on April 30, 2018:

I had a miscarriage 9 months ago. Im supposed to be on my 10th week then when i had cramps and brown spotting. When we went for my ultrasound the sonologist told us she can't find the heartbeat, maybe the baby is too small, but of course i knew at 10 weeks there should be. I already had 3 boys then so i know. Then she told me to come back and my ob told me to cone back after 2 weeks, gave me meds and advised to have a complete bed rest. The pain and bleeding increases. 3 days after i passed a big blood clot with white meatlike thing. We did ultrasound right away then it was confirmed i had miscarriage, the fetus stopped developing at 6 weeks! I feel numb, i didnt cry because i didn't know what or how to feel at that moment. I feel relaxed, i felt like I'm okay. I didnt undergo d&c procedure.

Days pass, as i recall what happened, at first i felt guilt, i had brown spotting then waited til i saw fresh blood before i went to my ob. Then i felt terrible pain of loosing my angel. Everyday im grieving, worst thing is that i feel like im the only one grieving for my baby. Nobody knows what im going through, not even my siblings. My mom told me not to tell because its shameful, i already had 3 and then i get oregnant again. So i ended up grieving alone, need to cope up alone.

When i got my first period, i saw blood again, that's when i really broke down, i cried for hours.

Now, im pregnant again, im scared of what will happen. Feeling cramps days before my pregnancy is confirmed.

Brit on July 20, 2017:

Thank you for your honesty in this. I never wanted kids but when my husband and I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant, God DRAMATICALLY changed my heart then only 7 weeks later took our twins. There's such a "silent" hurt in my heart. Silent because you can't tell an excited mom to be that you're stabbed in the heart to hear about her pregnancy. Or hear mothers exclaim their frustrations in motherhood, at least you have your kids here!! I think to myself. I always feel so alone and so empty. My husband and I are trying again but I can't shake the faithlessness I have in God. When I read your post it was a breath of fresh air, finally someone understands. As a believer I know all the truth people tell me about God and His plans, etc. but unless you experience a loss like this yourself, sometimes I wish people wouldn't try to make sense out of it for me.

Anyway, thank you for this. I'll probably read it again and again. You

momof2prinzesangels on October 27, 2012:

Thank you Blessedmommy for sharing your hub. I experienced a miscarriage during my first pregnancy which was with twins in 2008. As I come upon the 4 year anninversary I still feel numb and hurt. I hurt when I see so many around me especially young teenagers having babies and often just cry. Thank you for reminding me that I am a mother of not just 1 angel but of 2 beautiful angels. I love my girls and look forward to meeting them one day!

hijadeeldios from New York on July 15, 2012:

This was an answer to prayer. You have no idea. This past Mother's Day I went into labor at two months and came home with nothing except emotional and physical pain. I have been praying through this and some days I feel like I will get better and other days I feel like I am dying inside. Your poem was beautiful and it helped put a new perspective on my life. Thank you.

Amy on April 01, 2012:

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I myself a

Have had 2 miscarriages this year and believe I just had my third. All blood tests came back normal and I'm left in such confusion and sadness that no one seems to be able to understand. I finally feel like someone (you)understands what I'm going thru and that means the world to me. I am a christian and know God is good.thank you for being open. I'm so happy for you and your all of your children. God bless you.

Hollie on March 19, 2012:

This story is sooo amazing and just what I needed to read today. On Feb. 20, 2012 I went in for a regular check up and learned our baby had no heartbeat. Two ultrasounds and a week later I had a D and C. Today, results came back from genetics and pathology and our baby boy was "normal". Basically it means no gentic defects and everything with me was fine but something( doc thinks his heart) did not form correctly. It is devastating! I am still deeply saddened, but I take comfort in knowing my son is with the Lord. Thank you for sharing your story and for the beautiful poem.

bijoux on March 16, 2012:

i lost my baby boy on 22 feb 2012 after 3hrs of delivery.it happened so fast that i thot it was a dream.i thank God fo jesus who gvs the strengh to move on bt he will owez b in my heart.my hubby and i named hm ASHER.thank u fo your stories nd am looking forward to my bundle of joys coz God is eva faithful!

rods on March 10, 2012:

you served as an inspiration for me.

Tracy H on February 22, 2012:

Thank you for this story. I was happily pregnant with our first child, and all seemed to be going well. Until yesterday. I went for routine exam--no heartbeat. I went for the ultrasound--no movement, no color... I am 17 weeks 2 days, and the baby measured 14 weeks 2 days... I am beyond devastated right now, especially since my D and C is not for another day or two. This story was very helpful, and I hope to be as blessed as you are in the future.

Diane on February 20, 2012:

I recently had a miscarriage yest. I was 4 weeks pregnant 3 days later when I found out I started spotting and got heavier each day until a big tissue came out of me I decide to go to the ER this is my second miscarriage I didn't want to believe I was going through it again but I started to prepare myself to what the doctors where going to say ! I'm lost for words right now & don't understand why ? Your story got to me & mad me feel better yet I cried cause I can relate to what you felt !! Thank you for sharing your story !! (:

nancy on January 16, 2012:

i lost my baby in the 4th months of pregnancy,

it was really hard for me to accept the fact that i lost my baby "summer" i named my baby before he finally took out inside of me,

til now i can't move on..while i'm reading your story, I'm crying right here in front of my computer, i thought i'm the only who experienced losing a baby.....

someday god's will put a baby in my arms,but for now i should pursue my study with my husband, I'm still young at the age of 20....god bless and be happy(^_^) god is good all the time.

Shalini on January 13, 2012:

Heather Marie- I can understand your pain and loss,but dont lose hopes,God is there .He will help you come out of this pain.I know exactly how it feels,i have lost my babies twice,i still miss them every moment.But what gives me strength is the only feeling that no matter what,God is there with me.....Take care of yourself.

Missing My Baby on January 13, 2012:

Heather Marie - I am so sorry for your loss. It is just dreadful and a pain no parent should have to go through. Just recognise the loss of your baby and reach out to your partner. I have had a few miscarriages. As recent as 2 months ago I lost baby Charlie. I was carrying her for 17 wks. So I had to deliver and I will never forget it. You will grieve for your baby and never forget your baby. I will keep you in my prayers... Mind Yourself

Heather marie on January 13, 2012:

I'm in the hospital right now losing my precious baby. I was told that I would never get pregnant so this was a surprise.t the father and I are both in college and were not ready at all but when we heard the little heartbeat we fell in love with our baby bean. He was going to make such a great father. We had both completely changed our lives in the two weeks we knew. At 7weeks our baby is gone and so is our dream. How will I ever get back to normal?

Shalini on January 11, 2012:

I lost my first baby in the 4th mnth of pregnancy..It was a terrible shock to me ..after waiting for a year i had a beautiful daughter who is 10 yrs now.I have spinal problems and was not supposed to get pregnant again,but last year i found one day that i am having a life inside me.I was so happy and desperate for this baby.But unfortunely my spinal pain became so unbearable that my doctors suggested me to get my pregnancy terminated otherwise my spinal problem might even make my body paralysed.I was left with no option other than termination as i had to stay physically fit to be able to take care of my daughter.This tragedy made me go in depression.An year has passed but i still cannot come out of this depression.I miss my baby....I hope God is taking care of her ( i have feeling it was a baby girl) ...I love you my babies......

charlie on January 11, 2012:

Thanks for the nice article. I lost the baby today. It happened way too fast. Cramps and spotting last night. Sonographer could not the heartbeat anymore today. 4 hours later we bidded the baby farewell at the operating table. At 8 weeks old in my womb, the baby finally has the last beat. 2 lost within 6 months. I am not sure if I can ever cope with the grief, but I believed and still believe strongly that the Lord has a marvellous plan for us as He knows our heart and desire to be the best parent we could ever wish to be. Although time is not on our side, I remember the story of Sarah in the Bible, and will continue to pray and to stay faithful to God's promise. May God bless all mothers who have their angels in Heaven with our loving Father.

feeyuh on January 04, 2012:

Nice story.. my ob told me I had a miscarriage cause she can't find a heart beat... few days later before I was about to take meds for my placenta to fall I had gotten sick I went to the emergency letting them know what my ob said... after test and ultrasound I HAD A LIVE BABY WITH A STRONG HEART BEAT....

Jiraiya'smommy on December 29, 2011:

Thank you for sharing your story. My fiancé and i lost our baby boy on Christmas day 12/25/2011. I went to the hospital on christmas eve with cramps and i was thinking that it wasn't bad until an half an hour it got more intense, my sister and my fiancé took me to the ER. and the doctors found that my water sac was in my vagina and it was already to late to stop the contractions and too late to push the baby back in. I had to go through a normal labor and delivery. The doctors said the baby wasn't gonna make it. I was 23 weeks pregnant. I felt that what have I done wrong or why didn't they see this coming. while having my contractions i was put on epidural and hours later, i didn't feel the baby go down until the nurse check me and told me that the baby is out and not breathing. My heart wanted to burst and i felt like someone took my breath away and rip my heart out. My baby boy will always be in my heart. When I was reading your story, I was so touch to your story and realize that Im not the only one that is going through it. Your story gave me strength and hope. It help me see that there is hope.

REST in Paradise baby Jiraiya De jesus!

Doris A on December 20, 2011:

Thank you for posting this story of hope. i just had a miscarriage just like you where my baby did not have cardiac activity. The nurse ran the doppleracross my belly and she could not find the fetal heart beat, she ran to get ultrasound machine and when the doctor ran th ultrasound i could rad hr reaction that did show me that news was not good. she did hold my hand and said im sorry your baby is not a live. this broke my heart since it was only 2 months and i was eager to see and hold my angel like other mothers;I still have alot of pain when i wake up and find that im not carrying her anymore but through your story i can gain strenth and hope for future. thank s again.

Karen J. on December 20, 2011:

I had a mascarriage some years ago and from this point I really was afraid of getting pregnant again. Luckily I found an interesting eBook which helped me getting pregnant again and I finally conceived my healthy baby 3 month ago. Feel free to take a look at my site @ http://www.getting-pregnant-after-miscarriage.com/

MrsJay on December 19, 2011:

Thank you so much for sharing your read. As I was reading it, I felt as though you were had taken a peak into my heart and put all my feelings and emotions into words. I have lost 2 children over the course of one year. One at 15 weeks and the other at 23 weeks. I too have/am had to endure comments such as, you'll have more, your young, it was just a bad pregnancy, it wasn't meant to among many more cruel comments. I loved my baby before I conceived and that love grew when I got my first positive test and continue to grow daily. My heart aches daily. I am a Christian, saved and filled with the Holy Ghost so I know God's promises. But I am in flesh and even though my arms are empty, I am a still a mother and I miss my babies everyday. Burying my second baby was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. It's because of God that I'm still here, but it's still my desire to have healthy babies here on earth with me. I thank you for sharing and I look forward to sharing this Hub with my husband. Finally, someone who knows EXACTLY how I feel. Other peoples lives go on after our lost, but we still love our children. Thanks again! Praying for good news soon. God Bless!

Deborah Brooks Langford from Brownsville,TX on December 05, 2011:

What a wonderful story you are blessed..I lost three children before I had my two sons..they are now in their 30's After losing my children I didn't think I would ever have any children.. I realize now God knows what is best. it just wasn't time for me.. thank you for writing this. I am blessed reading it.I voted up and beautiful.

Arlene on December 01, 2011:

That is amazing story and gives so much inspiration. I had a miscarriage last week at 8 weeks. It has been a very difficult and emotional week. Started spotting the week before and when we went in for scan, they couldn't pick up a heartbeat. I knew at once that something was wrong even though the nurse explained that my baby was smaller than expected so my dates were wrong therefore no heartbeat yet. I lived in hope and continued to talk to my baby everyday hoping to encourage "him" to grow and that we couldn't wait to have him in our lives. I had always felt that my little peanut would be a boy and that is how I will remember "him". I could never imagine how this would feel, the emptiness the loss is painful. I hope this will get easier and that oneday we will be able to hold a healthy baby in our arms.

Sam on November 26, 2011:

I have just gone through a miscarriage an I am dying inside. I thank you for your beautiful heart and loving spirit. One that hasn't forgotten your angels. I will not either. I too, long to be a mommy and may god bless us all that have experienced this. :(

rosie miller on November 16, 2011:

the storys on this website really touches me! i have a little brother who died on the 5/1/09 and miss him dearly! i feel for all mothers who have to say good-bye to their angels.

Jo on November 14, 2011:

Thanks for sharing this story ~ makes me feel better looking at another way .. I got one angel baby and I feel the mothers love .. Although i miscarriage like more than one year ago .. I feel so hurt until now and can't wait to get pregnant again ..

Rita on November 08, 2011:

m down today....i had it done at 6 week but still not able to recover....hope the days will come again when i can have the pleasure of been a mother......i wish no one goes through these days again.....

Sharon on November 06, 2011:

I am in the proccess of miscarrying my twins at 12 weeks. I feel nothing but numbness and really dont think it has hit me yet. My partner walked out when he found out i was expecting so i really have no one to turn to and feel this is something i now have to deal with on my own. Finding this post has made me realise so many others are going through the same thing, but right now i just feel so alone and emotionless.

Jennifer on November 06, 2011:

I am going through a miscarriage right now. I feel so confused, upset, and somewhat in denial. As soon as I had my positive pregnancy test I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness. We have a beautiful little girl already and she was so excited to be the big sister. We went in for our first doctors appointment and I had an ultrasound and I saw our baby and his or her heartbeat. Everything was fine, perfect! Then, on week 10 I started lightly spotting and cramping and we went to the doctors and my biggest fears came to light. There wasn't a heartbeat and my baby wasn't with us. I know my baby is in Heaven but I hurt so bad. Thank you for your post. I want other children but I am so scared to try again.

kelsey layne on November 05, 2011:

I am so happy after reading this. I just lost my second baby. I now have 2 angel babies. I still have hope.. Thank you so much!! (:

BridgetHigh on November 04, 2011:

Thank you for sharing your story!

We have lost 3 and with each one my sadness has grown stronger. Like you, I wanted to be pregnant again right away. After 3 m/c w/in 4 months I am finally taking the advice to wait for my body to heal. Your story gives me hope that I will one day hold a baby in my arms.

mommaniahh from Riverside on October 28, 2011:

BlessedMommy , im 17 and had a miscarriage not too long ago. And although i am young im grown up inside. i cry myself to sleep every night blaming myself for what has happened. but your story has helped me, thanks (:

rayechan from Missouri on October 24, 2011:

After reading this article, I have to admit that I was a little teary for awhile. I understand the pain because I've gone through several miscarriages.