A Mother's Story on Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss — Feelings, Quotes, and Stories of Healing
I knew that one day I'd write this hub, but it's not the easiest one that I've ever done. Today, I'm opening up a part of my heart to the world that I've kept closed too long. It would be selfish of me to not share my experience with others who may be hurting, and offer hope that there are better days ahead.
You may not have given my hubber name, "blessedmommy" a second thought. I'm the mother of four beautiful children, why wouldn't I feel "blessed?"
However, there's more to it than meets the eye. I am blessed with children here on earth, and I'm blessed to have children in Heaven. I feel very thankful to be a mother and to hold little ones in my arms, because at one time in my life, I didn't know if I'd ever be given that opportunity.
As a young bride of seventeen, I knew that I wanted children, but I decided to wait for awhile. When I did start trying, it took several months before I finally held the long-awaited positive pregnancy test in my hand and beamed. At nineteen, I was on my way to becoming a mommy.
I was about 3 months along the day that I walked into the doctor's office. Today I would hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time! As I lay on the table and the Doppler was ran across my belly, I listened intently. After a little while and no results, I tried to read the look on the face of my CNM. Something must be wrong. She tried a little more, then stopped. She couldn't find the heartbeat.
My world had stopped spinning for a moment then I grabbed onto hope again as she suggested an ultrasound. As I lay on the cold table and watched the screen, there was no sign of the tiny flutter. I was in a state of shock and denial. I couldn't accept the fact that my baby had gone to heaven so I kept clinging to any ounce of hope. She, unwilling to tell me the hard facts, suggested that I have another ultrasound done at the hospital to confirm what she believed.
Again I studied the screen and the face of the ultrasound tech. No sign of positivity. I had to go back to my CNM to get the results. When I arrived, she tried to tell me gently that there was no cardiac activity showing up, but must have seen in my reaction my sheer denial. So, instead of bluntly telling me the truth, she gave me one more false hope. This turned out to be torture. She said that I could go ahead and wait and have a hormone count done in a couple of days to see if the count was going up or down before I made the decision to have a D & C. The quantity of hormones would be solid confirmation one way or the other. The torment I felt over those next two days was almost unbearable.
Finally, it was time to go back and have the count done. I walked into the hospital on Mother's Day, 1997, and had my blood drawn. Then, with the support of my family around me, we were dealt the hard facts. My hormone levels had drastically dropped. My baby was gone. I spent my first Mother's Day mourning the loss of my baby.
The next day I had my D & C, and the day after that was my wedding anniversary. Up until this point, I was almost too numb to even cry. My husband and me took a short trip for our anniversary and to just get away for awhile after our heart-breaking ordeal. This was about the time when it really "hit" me. The grief that I experienced was more than I can describe. Tears would flow at any unexpected moment, and I would catch myself peering into the clouds pleading that God would give me just one glimpse of my baby. On the way home, we passed our church sign. It read, "God's delays are not God's denials." I clung to this, and I hoped that God would put a baby in my arms someday.
Despite the need to wait a few months before trying again to let myself heal both physically and emotionally, I was eager to fill the hole in my heart just as quickly as possible. So, I got pregnant again immediately. I was thrilled to find out that I was pregnant again, but my joy was guarded. Everything was going well until my seventh week when I started spotting. I went to the doctor and my hormone level was good, so I was put on bed rest. The bleeding just got heavier and heavier until one day I passed a little sac. I refused to believe that it was anything besides a blood clot, and I just went straight to bed. When I finally went to the doctor, he performed an ultrasound, and the screen shown only a little "spot" where my baby once had been. Again I was thrust into the emotional torment all over again.
People were sympathetic at first, but then couldn't understand why I couldn't get over the pain. Because they hadn't "seen" my babies, the loss just wasn't as real for them. When I needed love and support the most, people just didn't understand. "You're young, you can try again," or "Sometimes that's just nature's way of dealing with things because something may have been wrong with the baby." I know that their remarks were well-intended, but as for me, I had already loved these babies, and had since I first seen the positive pregnancy tests. I was careful to protect my babies, I watched how and what I ate, I made sure I didn't "overdo it" and I just couldn't understand what went wrong. My babies were so real to me and I had endured a great loss and people just weren't getting it.
A Hope Fulfilled
I wisely took the advice of my doctor to wait at least four months before trying again, but as soon as the time was up, I got pregnant immediately. I was scared and I worried constantly.
When I was about 6 to 7 weeks along, I began spotting. I plunged into despair. I didn't even feel like I could pray, and I told others that it wouldn't do any good to pray for me, because I didn't have faith. Well, God, the loving Father that He is, didn't judge me in my weak moment, but looked upon me in compassion. I finally did pray, and when I did, my prayers poured out of me. The bleeding stopped within about 24 hours. About 71/2 months later, I delivered a very healthy baby boy who is my pride and joy. Two years later, I got pregnant with my daughter who was also born very healthy.
My father, who is a minister, had a dream. He dreamed that God took my baby to Heaven, and when he did, there were three holes in the sky representing three babies. Then, there was a lovely writing come across the sky that said, "Thank you for letting me go."
We never could understand this dream since I had only lost two babies, but the answer was yet to come.
I waited a long time before trying for a third. Well, four years, anyway. At one point, I do believe that I must have been pregnant. I never had it officially confirmed, but I knew the symptoms. After a bit, I started cramping, and passed something that looked like tissue. I felt a new kind of grief. Since my pregnancy had not been officially confirmed, others were quick to pass it off. But in reality it had been confirmed, before it was conceived. It was through Daddy's dream. God was letting me know in advance that my babies were happy and safe with Him.
Right after this experience, I got pregnant again. I had one of the easiest pregnancies that any mother could hope for. My labor was almost not even labor it went so well. Another happy and healthy baby boy was placed into my arms.
I love children so much - especially my own. I really wanted another baby so badly even after the third one but somehow a sense of guilt would come over me. Why can't I just be happy? The Lord has blessed you with three healthy children. The finances are tight and another baby would just add to the financial load. I tried to reason with myself. But then one day, my niece and nephew were over and playing with my three and the look of all of those children playing together made me want another one so bad that my heart ached. So God decided to give me a surprise. We weren't trying for a baby at the time but I started getting all the symptoms. I went to the dollar store and picked up a cheap test. Sure enough, it showed positive. I went and had it officially confirmed and the tears came freely right in front of the nurse. I was so happy. My newest arrival came this year, just two and a half months ago...another little boy. He was born on my Daddy's birthday just a few minutes before midnight. He barely made it on that day and we all were sweating it and praying that he'd be born before midnight so his PaPa could have a "special" gift. God gave us the desires of our hearts.
So that's why I'm a "blessedmommy."
"To My Angel"
God gave me a high honor
That many never know;
For just on certain people
This honor is bestowed.
I'm a mother of an angel
That lives with God above;
God's told you all about me,
So you know how much you're loved.
I knew that you were special
Even from the very start;
A priceless little cherub-
Always part of Mommy's heart.
But Jesus saw an angel
As He looked down below;
He made me an angel's mommy
When He gave you your halo.
And though I'll miss you so
You're safe with Him forever,
And I'm looking forward to the day
When we'll spread our wings together.
by: Carisa Gourley
Baby 1: You were the first to cause me to feel a mother's love.
Baby 2: I may not hold you in my arms, but I will always hold you in my heart.
Baby 3: Reserve me some wings, I'll be there someday!