What Being a Step-Mom Means to Me

Updated on August 31, 2016

From the Beginning

There are many terms used for Step-Mothers, and while in society the use of the word STEP is normal, I for one hate it. Now I will explain why.

For me, as I am sure it is the same for many women who find themselves in the role of Step-Mom to your husbands child/children, it can be daunting, strange and a little scary. What if the child hates you? What if you can't get past the fact your husbands ex will always have input in your life? What, what, what? The fact of the matter is, when you marry a man/woman who has a child/children, you are marrying a package, not just the man/ woman of your dreams, but a child who will look at you for guidance and understanding,but most of all love.

The word STEP to me gives the impression that you are something you dislike, or that the child in question is not someone you want in your life. When there are so many likeable words for a child you will love as your own, STEP isn't one I would call affectionate. While some may find it perfectly appropriate. Like everything else in this world, a difference of opinion is what makes life interesting.

I first met my bonus son when he had just turned three, and by then he had already gotten used to having his daddy all to himself. We had gone out of our way to make sure we had Karen and Finn days, time to bond, to get to know one another. Then the day came when I tried to explain that I would be marrying his daddy. He cried and said he didn't want me to marry his dad. I was devastated, but had to ask why through the lump in my throat. His response, "Because you're my friend, and if you get married you won't be." If that doesn't break your heart like it did mine, you are made of stone. He was then five years old and had grown used to having not only daddy time but Karen time. It was the perfect balance, and with never knowing anything but myself and his dad, this was upsetting for him, until he got to pick out a suit lol and learn what it all meant for us as a family.

But is this completely different than what a biological child would feel? Or is it worse for a child who knows who his/her mother is? Or for an adopted Step-Child? After all the child still knows who their biological parent is. Especially when that biological mother is not you, regardless of how much you love them? For so many, being a parent is the hardest job of them all. Being a step-parent is harder. You love, do what a biological parent does, care, respect, wipe the tears, kiss the bumps and scratches, tell the bedtime stories yet you will never be MOM. I wonder if that is what lays heavy on the hearts of Step-Moms?

Would you not die for your child even though your love begins in your heart, and not your womb? Does it matter that as a step-parent you didn't give birth to this child who fills the empty space you never thought you had until he/she filled it?

Has anyone ever paid attention to how people see you as a step-parent? The "Ohhh, I thought you were his/her mother," or the "Ah, that must be difficult," but my favourite is, "I could never love a child that wasn't my own, I don't know how you do it." Let me address these comments without offending the biological parents out there who have kids that have step-parents.

  1. Not biological, but I see myself as a mother, my husband sees me as a mother and most importantly my bonus son sees me as such.
  2. Yes, it is difficult but so is going to work when you would love to stay in bed. It is called prioritizing.
  3. I'm sorry you feel that way, and I hope you have ten children that you gave birth too and that you can love unconditionally, because you gave birth to them.

No one tells you that being a Step-Parent will put your self-esteem to the ultimate test in so many ways. But is it worth it? Of course it is :) Just remember, being a step-parent doesn't mean the child needs another parent, what it means is that you have a chance to be a friend for life. That you will always wipe the tears, kiss the bumps and tells stories of years past even when they are in college and the latest girlfriend/boyfriend wants to know the most embarrassing tales. And like his/her parents, you tell them. Why? Because you were there too.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Tifffany kelly 

      5 weeks ago

      I won’t to because to take care to help kids

      With behavior They be good and play And to get a long to be nice

      Also ,kind

    • Karin Weakley profile imageAUTHOR

      K K Weakley 

      22 months ago from Cashmere Washington

      Thank you Jack :)

      K K

    • profile image

      Jack 

      22 months ago

      Nice!!! Very well written from the heart and truthful in so many ways. Your "Bonus Son" is so very lucky.

    • Karin Weakley profile imageAUTHOR

      K K Weakley 

      22 months ago from Cashmere Washington

      Michelle, I am so sorry you had such bad experiences growing up. It is a horrible thing when a woman can take their insecurities out on a child. I am sure by now you know it was their own doing not yours.

      I wish you nothing but the best.

      K K

    • profile image

      Michelle 

      22 months ago

      I am so sorry you had to experience not only one bad experience but two, that hurts my heart. All I know is that those women were very insecure in their relationship with your father.

      I wish you all the best

      K K

    • profile image

      Michelle 

      22 months ago

      Growing up I had two Step-Mothers. Hand on my heart my upbringing was rough. I was young when I met my first step-mom, she instantly disliked me. I guess as a young child taking the attention of my father wasn't what she thought it was going to be like. My second was when I turned 15. I liked her, but she seemed to hate me. I reminder her of my mother my father told me.

      I only wish I could have had the Step-Mom that you are to your "Bonus Son" He will always have such wonderful memories.

    • Karin Weakley profile imageAUTHOR

      K K Weakley 

      22 months ago from Cashmere Washington

      Thank you all for taking the time to comment on this hub. I appreciate your feedback.

    • profile image

      K K Weakley 

      22 months ago

      Thank you all for taking the time to comment on this hub. I appreciate your feed back.

    • profile image

      Kelly 

      22 months ago

      WOW you made me cry. Thank you for writing how I feel. Some times it is hard but most days its better then any of my best days. :)

    • profile image

      Ruth Harpur 

      22 months ago

      This is word for word fantastic Karin. The little mister loves you for you and for all you do for him and Nate. You're an amazing woman

    • profile image

      Denise Kelly 

      22 months ago

      Amazing read . You can see the love you both have for one another & nobody can take that away - no matter what anyone like to term the word- I for one way perfer bonus than step!! :)

    • Karin Weakley profile imageAUTHOR

      K K Weakley 

      22 months ago from Cashmere Washington

      Thank you Keeley. He is a very special little boy for sure.

    • profile image

      Keeley Dunbar 

      22 months ago

      That is lovely. You are a special person in your "bonus" sons life. And that is a lovely way to describe what he means to you.

    • Karin Weakley profile imageAUTHOR

      K K Weakley 

      22 months ago from Cashmere Washington

      Thanks John for your input.

    • profile image

      John Power 

      22 months ago

      This is awesome!!! Thank you for this! As a Step-Dad I can relate to this 100%.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, wehavekids.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://wehavekids.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)