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The Psychological Effect of a Controlling Mother

Updated on September 21, 2017
My dad and I
My dad and I | Source

I’m writing this hub from a personal perspective in hopes of helping anyone else who might have suffered a similar fate and isn’t sure how to change their life.

I was raised by perfectionist parents who were extremely overbearing. Consequently, my relationships have suffered, and I've made a few decisions that are less than flattering. But I did get through it.

My childhood and adolescent experiences are examples of how controlling behavior can manifest. I hope by sharing these experiences, other people might realize a pattern in their own life, and be able to make changes and take back control of their lives.

The Beginning of a Broken Childhood

I was born in Fort Lauderdale back in 1978. At the time, my parents had been married for nine years, and were on the verge of divorce. My mother had an abortion prior to my birth, and after I was born by cesarean section, my parents officially ended their marriage.

My mother didn’t want me, and wrote a letter saying as much. The letter was addressed to my father’s parents, my grandparents, with whom she was leaving me. My father had decided that was the best course of action, but made an effort, with a few visitations during my first year of life, to be involved.

I was called ugly and fat in high school, but I was actually quite skinny.
I was called ugly and fat in high school, but I was actually quite skinny. | Source

My grandparents gave me my first bottle in the hospital. They brought me home, and treated me as their daughter. Four years later, they adopted me.

I remember going to the attorney’s office and being asked about living arrangements. I don’t recall my response, my grandparents (from here on referenced as my parents) told me I said I wanted them to raise me. The most I remember is the seat warmer in the secretary’s chair at her desk and trying to figure out how to turn it on.

I was declared legally abandoned by the courts, and my parents officially adopted me. The birth certificate has their names on it, not those of my biological parents.

My parents made no effort to hide any of this from me. I knew from a very young age that I was adopted. Granted, I was adopted by immediate family, but adopted nonetheless.

This really made no difference to me. My parents were the people raising me, not the people who gave birth to me. It was just a fact.

Growing Up with a Controlling Mother

Growing up was difficult. I attended private, catholic school all my life including high school. I didn’t have any friends in elementary school, and I was routinely picked on by bullies. I had an above average IQ, and was apparently “pretty” because adults told me as much. This made me the perfect target for bullies.

In my heart, I didn’t really care that everyone teased me and called me ugly or fat (I was actually quite skinny). But in the back of my mind, it affected me. Despite my outward expression of self-confidence, I was only confident when I was by myself.

Ironically, during my years as a young child, my mother wasn't horribly controlling. However, I was never allowed to have a sleep over (either at my house or theirs), and I only had one birthday party that I can remember, and only one person showed up, which is why I remember it.

As I got older, my mother's controlling behavior just escalated.

During high school, I had a couple of friends who were in the band, which was the only time I was really allowed to "socialize." One of them was a witch, and his best friend became my best friend.

She was amazing. She laughed at all my jokes; she even helped me stand up against the bullies. My mom told me to simply ignore them because they were just jealous. Although she was probably right, there was no other comforting offered. Just a lot of physical hugs and kisses (on the mouth), which I had come to despise.

In my junior year, a new student started at our school. He was probably THE best-looking guy in the school and he became MY boyfriend. Strangely, no one really picked on me after that.

Except for my mother.

The Signs of Controlling Behavior - Personal Examples

Having a serious boyfriend exacerbated my mother’s behavior. She started to track my periods on her calendar, which were never regular. It wasn't unusual for me to miss 2 months or more.

At one point, she showed me all the months I had “missed.” On every one, she wrote something like “please God, don’t let it be so” in large red letters at the bottom of the month.

I knew I wasn’t pregnant, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20! But, she didn’t believe me, and she wondered why I never went to her with anything important.

I was never the type to talk with anyone about anything, especially my parents. I kept just about everything to myself. This lead to my mom being so nosy she would ransack my room, including my garbage, to find out anything she could about my life.

I tried to keep a diary, but she put a stop to that by reading it constantly. How do you stop someone from invading your privacy? You keep everything inside. Eventually for one of my birthday’s, my mom got me a diary with a combination lock on it, and promised never to read it again. She never did, not that I know of anyway. But I didn't really write in it anymore either.

My father and I at the pageant my mother made me enter. I was in the top ten, and probably could have made it further, but my heart just wasn't in it.
My father and I at the pageant my mother made me enter. I was in the top ten, and probably could have made it further, but my heart just wasn't in it. | Source

This didn’t stop her from rummaging through my garbage, though. There were many, many arguments with my parents. Most of them entailed my mom yelling at my dad and I, while we sat there and stared at the floor.

One time, she even threw out the Christmas turkey and then stayed in her bedroom all day. It was a common occurrence. I actually enjoyed these times since it was just dad and I.

We’d sometimes watch Tom and Jerry cartoons and on the days mom wouldn’t come out to cook dinner, we’d have peanut butter sandwiches dipped in coffee. Dad and I were always close.

Saturday mornings were bad. I’d be rudely awakened by screaming. Mom inevitably would be screaming at dad in the kitchen about things that happened 40 years ago. The screaming was amplified by the air conditioning vent so I could hear every word.

My mom thought I slept too much because I “slept in” until noon or later.

I wasn’t sleeping; I was hiding.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was leave my room on days like that because the second I stepped foot into the kitchen, either I’d get dragged into it, or it would just stop and mom would act like nothing happened… to me.

Dad would be sitting in the corner of the kitchen staring at the floor and if she had anything to say to him, she would say it in a tone that I can’t even describe. My only escape from all of this was the driving.

Once I got my license (which I didn't get until I was 17), I spent as much time in my car as I could. It was my safe haven. Even to this day, driving my car is the one place I feel the safest.

Driving became my only escape.
Driving became my only escape. | Source

I became a smoker and tried a few drugs. I wanted an escape from life. I guess it was also a way of rebelling, although I never thought of it that way. I didn’t know how else to cope. Anytime I was home, I had to walk on eggshells around my mom. She was a ticking time bomb.

For example, I went to a dermatologist for my acne when I was 18 who suggested birth control pills to regulate my period, which would also regulate the hormones causing the acne problem.

I didn't want pills, and definitely not birth control pills. Not only did I know my mother would freak out, I knew birth control pills had side effects, and I just didn't want to deal with them.

I had called her via my cell phone on my way back from the doctor (she surprisingly let me go alone), and made the mistake of telling her the doctor's suggestion over the phone. As I suspected, when I told her the dermatologist suggested birth control as a line of treatment, she freaked out.

For someone who was afraid to let me drive at all, she was doing quite a bit of yelling in my ear while I was driving, and it wasn't about calling her while driving. I remember her words vividly: "I don't like where this is going!" she screamed.

I think I blocked out the rest of the conversation. But I do remember taking my time to get home.

Rebelling Against Controlling Parents in Adulthood

After graduation, I chose a little Baptist college in a tiny town, four hours away from home. Once I got there, I had a hard time dealing with all the freedom. My mom wasn’t hovering over me telling me to study, what to wear or how to style my hair. I was free. I knew my parents had a four hour drive to the school if they wanted to come and take me home. It was enough time to run.

The last half of my freshman year, my mom told me if I was good, and brought up my GPA, she'd put the car in my name and let me drive it my sophomore year.

I was the perfect little angel for those six months, and I did enough extra credit to double my GPA. My mom kept her word and put the car in my name.

I was smart, I knew once she put the car in my name she couldn't take it from me. I was 18, and if she did take it, I could report it stolen. Getting the car in my name changed me, although I didn't realize it at the time.

After getting the car, my grades were horrible. So bad, in fact, I flunked out. I really didn’t care. I had met a man, and we were getting married.

My parents found out and started driving up to the school. I ran. I knew they couldn’t find me if I went to my fiancé’s house.

It was a huge ordeal, campus security got involved. I was informed about the legalities of the situation, which at 18, all I understood was that my parents couldn’t physically remove me from anywhere. And since they had put the car in my name, they couldn’t even take that, which would have been the first thing she did. She always threatened to take my car from me.

My first dog ever, Dickens. I rescued her, but I think she's the one who did the rescuing!
My first dog ever, Dickens. I rescued her, but I think she's the one who did the rescuing! | Source

I got married to the man my parents hated, and I rescued two dogs (pets were another thing I was never allowed to have). Six years after I married, I got divorced.

By this time, I had realized I married him to get away from my parents. There was no love there, and there never was if I’m honest with myself.

Unfortunately, this separation forced me to call my mom and get her financial support to move into my own apartment.

My dog and best friend, Lady
My dog and best friend, Lady | Source

I had a career, that paid enough to make the rent. The week I moved into my new apartment, I got a $3 raise. I was set. I had a car, and I had my dogs.

For three months, I did some soul-searching. I delved further into my spirituality, and I realized I had let my controlling parents ruin my life by running away.

The relationship with my parents has never been the same. I became overly analytical to compensate for my mom’s irrationally emotional behavior. This has driven my life. I despise talking with my mom.

I eventually remarried and had a daughter of my own. Initially, I tried to keep my parents in my daughter's life thinking they could offer some enrichment. But every time I called my mother, she would say nothing but derogatory things about my husband and my life.

These conversations with my mom would leave me feeling anxious, angry and frustrated, which I inevitably took out on my husband and daughter. I eventually realized I couldn't keep doing this. The effects of each conversation lasted longer, and I would put off calling my mom as long as possible because I just didn't want to deal with her. This just lead to more anxiety and frustration and it took a toll on both me and my family.

I eventually came to the conclusion that the only way to fix the situation was to stop talking to my mother altogether. It really wasn't a difficult decision. I knew I didn't want my daughter growing up exposed to my mother's vitriol.

Best decision I ever made.

My parents are now getting on in years, and their health is failing. Imminent death tends to make you rethink your decisions. I have lived the past 10 years without talking to my parents, with exception of my dad.

Dad was never the problem, and when he had health issues during the spring of 2014, I broke down and called him. It was very sad. His speech was garbled, and I could barely understand what he was saying. But it did feel good to tell him I loved him. I even let him talk to my daughter. Although she had a harder time understanding him than I did, I know it made dad feel better knowing that he was able to say hello and tell us he loved us.

During all of this, I have never felt bad about my decision to avoid communication with my mom. But I have felt that my dad has had to suffer because of my decision. This has never sat well with me, but I have yet to find a way around it.

Myself and the brilliant, altruistic doctor I once worked for. He was like a father to me, and was there for me whenever I needed him.
Myself and the brilliant, altruistic doctor I once worked for. He was like a father to me, and was there for me whenever I needed him. | Source

Dealing with Controlling Parents

Controlling parents have a massive psychological impact on their children. They can strip them of the ability to find anything satisfying in life, and this is something that is virtually impossible to overcome.

I’ve had to separate myself completely from my parents, unfortunately, in an effort to change my outlook on life. Talking to my parents only serves to reinforce the negative mindset I’ve worked so hard to shift.

To many people, including myself, severing contact with parents may seem harsh, and it very well may be. But, I have to do what is right for my child now. If not speaking with my parents gives her the life I never had, then so be it. I despise emotion. I really dislike affection. I refuse to let my daughter feel the same way.

© 2012 Melissa Flagg OSC


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      Janet 46 hours ago

      I am so sorry for what you have gone though.i to am experienced the same treatment.always criticized downed.wasnt planed for.but i get attacked for nerves about shot for my mothers controll.god bless you hope one day i can have a normal life.people in it instead of just mom all the time.

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      Sophie B 5 days ago

      I never did anything good enough and always dissatisfied my mother. My mother has always disrespected and bad mouthed me. I believe some of has to do with the way she was raised. I never did drugs or alcohol and was a good student in school. I honestly can not remember being told I love you when I was growing up.

      After reading your article it's puts so much in perspective. Thank you for sharing.

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      Adam 6 days ago

      I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. You've filled me with tears, but not only that. You've brought some food for thought, but most of all you’ve given me hope. Hope that my life will not always be this way and that i have the power to change it. I have many similarities with you and some other commenters here and i just want to say to everyone and to you that the two most important things i have learned in my life are that your life is yours to live and never to have regrets. Although some of you are younger than me and some older, everyone here should at least take time to think about these two ideas. You did the right thing moving on with your life. Your life can only be held back by the ropes that you tie to it. If you hadnt moved foreward, i do not believe there could have been a better outcome for you. To the younger ones her. Still unable to leave their parents house. Maybe because you are in high school, maybe because money problems, maybe because of these ropes that you have tied yourself down with. Take control of your life. They were dealt their hand and whether it was good or bad, their life has played out a certain way already. Do NOT let destructive people cause permanent damage to you. Not everybody is like this. There are caring people in the world and if you are honest in your life then the true friends will emerge. Yes life is hard, yes there are seemingly impssible situations. But life is worth living if you make it so. I love you all no matter who you are. You are a human life and you deserve to be loved. everyone deserves to be loved. Thank you.

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      Julie vaughan 6 days ago

      My mum used to hit me I am 48 she only died last year and my nieccec chidren still talk about it not one of my family talk to me when she had a drink she used to say I am jealous of my sister going with my ex her brother said to me I could of told you years ago that no one would talk to me they have all bullied me

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      Liana 11 days ago

      I'm just sitting here crying so hard... my mom just barged into my room like 8 times in the last hour yelling and yelling and it's too much... She drives our whole family crazy, and my dad gets so verbally abused by her, and she doesn't care about anyone's feelings, or anyone's privacy... I loved to write in my diary and everyone use to tell me what a nice writer/doodler I was. I've lost all my creativity. I don't feel like I can express myself on any sort of paper anymore. Ever since I was little I wanted to be an artist, and my mom just ruined my life completely. I'm 17 now, and I'm probably gonna pursue game design or whatnot ('cause I love videogames), and I'm just so happy that I can finally leave my mom. She's the hugest most b***hiest gossiper in the world and says the worst things to me. Possibly because I'm a girl? Because my older brother doesn't get as annoyed by her, when she constantly CONSTANTLY yells about my clothes (completely normal shirts and jeans) and she wants me to wear skirts and makeup and she will call me ugly and she'll make up terrible stories about me and make my neighbors hate me - who the f**k does that?! She would read everything and tell my whole family what I wrote and tell random people and I would just be a mess. Now if I had a little sibling that did this, it would be slightly normal. How does a mother act so evil?And her constant yelling all the time, the constant complaining of things that she can't change or from a bajillion years ago. She told me to commit suicide. All I wrote in my diary was that I liked it when she had a job and came home at 7 because I could actually breathe and not go crazy from her insanity. The moment she read my diary she would stay at home as much as she could. Every since I could remember as a 4 year old and growing up, she would hit me all the time and it would hurt and make me feel so sad. Finally 5th grade, as an 11 year old I resisted against her hits and even hit her back - because why the f**k is she trying to control me like that? And all throughout middle school I was a complete mess... the most depressing years of my life. She went from physically hitting me to trying to emotionally torture me (along with everyone else). In high school I got a little more confident and really really tried to deal with my mother being here to constantly just be an insane bipolar existance in the house. My brother left to a farther college, and I'll be leaving hopefully far from here too when I got to college next year. The only problem I have is my dad... I love him so much. Just as I love my brother so much. I'll miss them so much. But goodness I will never ever ever miss my mother. I've hated her since the very beginning, carrying on to today.

      This is the first post I've ever found that... actually gets it. Except they're my freakin biological parents. Just because it's your MOM doesn't mean that you have to love them and be with them. Sometimes they are THE WORST PEOPLE in your life that you need to get rid of. I really want to regain my life back, and live without stressing over my mom yelling and complaining all the f**king time. ALL THE F**KING TIME. It's no exhaggeration. How does one person yell forever so much.

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      Mehwish 12 days ago

      I need help. I have a controlling father and i am 22 years old I can’t cope with him anymore!

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      Valeria Vega 13 days ago

      My mother never forgives nothing because she doesn't care about anything even me and my sibling life. She doesn't care if I go to college and graduate, or if I have a better life because I had hard time with her because when my Dad passed away it gotten worse because of her. She always yell and say something that it was devastated that she say that im so dumb that i cant learn anything in school or that she thinks that I cant do it. Well she's wrong, because she had problem with her family along time and now she's doing this to us. So im hoping that everyone can feel of how a mother can be to you that she can make your life miserable

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      Justina 2 weeks ago

      We are the same. I know how u feel completely. But, we have to find the logic behind their behavior! I was suffocated by my mom and turned to prostitution when I ran away!

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      Daniel Blanton 2 weeks ago

      I am really interested in learning and maybe talking to someone further about this to get some advice. My fiance's mother is unworldly controlling. I am in a very desperate situation so if anyone could hear me out and maybe give me advice that would be greatly appreciative.

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      Grace 2 weeks ago

      I am really grateful I found this post. I am going through this right now, and I feel so alone. It's good to know others are dealing with this as well.

      Im currently law school student, you would think my parents would stop controlling me, but its gotten even worse.

      They especially hate my boyfriend, as if he's done anything wrong to them.

      They ignore me at home but when I'm out (only for school, can't leave the house for anything else or else they'll 50 question me), constantly text me to return home.

      I know I need to leave, but Im afraid of moving out because they'll stop talking to me. I don't want them to stop talking to me altogheter, but I also don't like being home.

      I don't know what to do.

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      ... 2 weeks ago

      i'm 14 right now. and i've never lived with my biological mother/father. when i was just about 3 months old i got taken away from them due to drugs. i have 2 brothers and 4 sisters. 1 brother(16 years old) and 2 sisters(1 is 17 and other is 12) live with me and my aunt (guardian). i have dealt with a lot through my lifetime. My brother and sister ran away from home before. I didn't know what to think or feel. just tried anything to get my mind off of it. they eventually got found and then they started living with my grandma for about 3 months maybe. everything was good for about 2 months, then everything went downhill.My brother ran away again.. he got caught up in drugs, running the streets, selling drugs, burglary and everything that has to do with that. It hurt really bad that i had to know he was doing that and i had no way to help him. I just wanted to die to end the pain. Then he just kept getting caught, ended up in jail by the age of 15. It hurt to see him in a jail suit talking to him through and window. It hurt so heart was literally torn apart, my aunt tried her best to be there for us. but it wasn't enough , like my real mother would've. i've never really been that close to my real mom.. and idk why. my other siblings are close to her though. but now , my brother is in rehab .. haven't seen him in about a year and all the communication we have is through letters... one time my real mom got put into the ICU and i couldn't see her like that.... now let me tell you about my aunt. (guardian) she lets us do some things, but won't let us have a boyfriend go to friends house or things like that. I don't understand why she won't let us have a boyfriend. like honestly if we get hurt it's our fault .. let us live and learn.. instead of us feeling like we're in prison. but enough with that. how i feel on the inside.. i am torn apart from all the emotional pain i've been through already, I eventually started cutting .. but hid it from people bc i was afraid they would judge me. i hid it from my aunt and she still doesn't know to this day. I have scars on my arm.. and luckily no one ever sees them.. but many times i've thought about suicide .. and one time i was so close to commuting suicide. but then God told me not to. yeah i got saved when i was about 11. and baptized, but i wanna have a closer relationship with him.. bc i know i can't conquer all this by myself. i just have bad days where i feel sad, broken, suicidal,... and most of my days are bad then others. my aunt makes me play softball at high school, and i am really a misfit. they treat me like it to, they're mean... and i don't know why people hate me so much.. i feel like people just hate seeing me and just hate my presence. so everyday i just go to school with a fake smile.. hoping one day it'll change.. but i know it won't. people always say it gets better , but it don't..

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      Amal 2 weeks ago

      Dude i am a boy,I can relate it.The diary beeing read by parents,invading privacy.Then i couldn't keep on writing the diary because i lost the momentum.Felt sad.Poor dad!.sad.

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      Robin 3 weeks ago

      I always had problems, but after a counselor suggested we never had a mother daughter conversation, I had prior never realised that my mother might have been part of my problems. For years I tried to get her to talk, it was important to me, and constantly she dismissed and undermined me, saying to stop living in the past. When we were young she was half deaf and would yell and scream to regain authority. She was controlling, smoothering and clingy. Besides that, she was a good mum, but I needed to talk about the effects of her upbringing and as head hauncho and the one who made all of the decisions, I think should be open to discussion of her authority. She blantently refused to talk, and I too, cut her off. I needed to be around people who were going to help me work things out in a positive light, and unfortunately she turned her back on me by refusing to communicate. At that same time, as she was being cut off by me, my control freak boyfriend shifted in (we did not live together) I lost my house and had major troubles for the next five years. All with authority figures. I lost everything including my sanity, and I am angry even to this day that my mum who claims to love me dearly, but not enough to open up ours hearts and communicate. I had no support, she was not there for me, and in my eyes, of all the people who didn't help when I was at my worst, she ultimately was the first one to turn her back on me.

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      GinaBina1026 3 weeks ago

      Hi Melissa, I'm so sorry for what you went through. I hope you are doing well now. I'm wondering are you any better at accepting affection & dealing with emotions? Has having your daughter helped you to open up more to those things? Thank you for your time.

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      Jodie Canada 3 weeks ago

      Thanks for sharing;

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      ITS ME!! 3 weeks ago

      I think that is the saddest, yet sweetest story ever.

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 4 weeks ago from Rural Central Florida

      Unfortunately, even suicide won't stop the controlling behavior, it just forces them to find someone else to control and they never realize why the suicide actually occurred. What you can do Gabby is get out of the situation. If your dad is pushing you that far, you need to contact social services, a psychiatrist and/or an attorney who can help you get out. If you have a family member you can trust, you can ask them to help you. I'm not sure how old you are but if you are under 18 it is still possible to be emancipated via an attorney or have family member appointed a guardian until you are 18. Let me know if I can help you. You can contact me via email through the link on my profile page. Best of luck Gabby and you're not alone. I promise it gets better as you get older and take control of your own life.

    • profile image 5 weeks ago

      This was a great read, and truly wish you tell best. My stepson is kind of going through the same thing, the only thino is the controlling person is neither a parent or guardian. His bio mom has emotional and mental issues, so she us living in a support home. The woman she lives with is utterly over controlling and is constantly over stepping her boundaries. My common law boyfriend has finally gotten primary care, as well as the control of doctors appointments and his schooling. This woman already booked an appointment with his pediatrician without my boyfriends consent, when she us court ordered not too. She manipulates the bio mom, and gas lights her. This is really tough on anyone, and I really hope it doesn't effect the little guy too much. He will be 4 in October, so he may not realize it now. We are doing our best to keep him from getting caught in her narcissistic Web. She is actually taking us back to court because we now have him monday- Friday, and she doesn't like it . it's really sad how she doesn't care who she steps on, as long as she gets her way and is in power.

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      kodonuts27 6 weeks ago

      I'm an adolescent, and my mother is the exact same way. Over the tiniest things that she doesn't like I am grounded and yelled at. For example, the other day I told her "I'm at X friend's house" so that she could know where I was (because she has to know at ALL times.) Apparently thats not good enough, and now I'm grounded because I told instead of asked. It seems that whenever I am with friends or people I like that there is always an excuse to make me come home, and to tell me that whatever I'm doing is wrong.

      She is also very touchy about boys. So much so that I am not allowed to hang out with a group of friends if a boy that she doesn't know about is also there. I wasn't allowed to be friends with boys until 11th grade. She also strictly controls what I wear.

      Whenever anything happens without me asking her, she has a fit and threatens not to pay for any of my college tuition. For example, I bought ice cream with money that she gave me the other day and because it was her money that I didn't call her up and ask if I could use, that I "have the wrong attitude" and that I am "deeply disrespectful." This is all said through yelling of course.

      I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't live with my father so she is my sole parent, which makes it worse. I have no one to turn to. Everything she doesn't personally like that I do is deemed as evil, everything she's done for me as a parent she expects me to get down on my hands and knees and bow to her in gratefulness. The effect of a controlling parent is exactly as you say- overanalyzing and inability to be satisfied and happy in situations that most people would. Im always on edge- what would mom think of this, am I going to get in trouble for that, can I do this, can I do that. People think that I am the prick but really I'm just following rules that are necessary for a somewhat peaceful home life (and my tuition).

      I feel like I have no friends and no one to talk to. I appreciate my mom and what she does for me but Im not sure the psychological effects of being around her are worth it.

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      Krista Bain 7 weeks ago

      my mother was exactly the same as this to a t - oh god this reassured me someone out there has gone through the same abuse as me

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      Gabby 7 weeks ago

      My dad is that way and it's taking a very bad emotional toll on me. I have cried to all who I thought I could cry to. I feel completely hopeless. My suicide ideations have sky rocketed,I have stopped taking care of myself,I just gave up,now I just don't know what to do.

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      Sarah B 2 months ago

      My marriage to a great man is suffering due to an overbearing mother. I have no clue what to do about it. We have always had this pathologically dependent extremely Love-Hate type relationship. She's encompassed my life to a point where I literally don't know how to make decisions without her yet want more than anything to tear away from her. My husband has been verbally abused. He's sick of the fighting-making up-fighting-making up cycle. She's up in our daily lives inserting herself into logistics with the baby. It's not healthy yet I know nothing different, don't know where to draw the boundaries yet want boundaries more than anything. Please Please help me understand how you dealt with it once and for all

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      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 2 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      I'm a proud and relatively accomplished Boomer woman. I had a controlling mother and father. That never stopped me from reaching my life goals. I'm the least thin skinned person who allows one person to make one and only one destructive criticism. After that, I give as good as I got.

      People who feel they need to control are pathetic individuals who live in a world of their own. That world must be controlled. So, I figure out by age 10 I didn't want to be part of that world. It was a matter of survival for me and thanks to my generation, rebellion of all the old ways that never made any sense.

      Controlling parents, be it mother or father, seem to know which of their children are most thin skinned. In order to survive in this world, you need hide as tough as a rino's.

      If you can't survive parental control, you surely won't survice the monster control freaks in business.

      The more we relive the past and replay old tapes, the deeper the rut gets.

      I have two sons. I allowed them freedom that my mother always said would come back to haunt. My belief then as now is that humans are born with a brain of their own and it should be used to make decisions, good or bad, for the sheer exercise of it. My sons are adults now and given the petty, childish world around them, I am proud of their decision making abilities.

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      pula3110 2 months ago

      I am in love with a woman who's mother is this way, the first time I met her mother, she called me a pervert for dating her daughter. She most of keep that stream of madness in her ear everyday, going for weeks, because after a month her daughter started to back off and was told to go live with relatives during most of the week to keep us from taking to each other. And then after a while she seemed to dislike me, even though I never did anything wrong.

      It is hard to find the women of your dreams, and then have someone tell her bad things about you even though I only spoke to her mother that one time. At the time I was looking to buy a house so she and I could get married, but now with all this everything is on hold, but maybe just maybe her not being in that house with her mother and the rest of that broken family,will allow her to see just how awful she truly is to th m all. Maybe she will to separate herself from her, as they say GOD allows thing to happen for a reason. So I am hopeful her mother plans will backfire, and she will see deep inside the guy I truly am once again. Maybe I was used as the catalyst to get her to live her own life, and not the one I saw of her acting as a servant to her parents.

      The strange thing is that her parents allow drug use and sales to go on in their house. One of the neighbors told me five days ago, they smell the smoke in their house 24/7, she called the house, the weed house just a few days ago when she came into our store, and so are others who live nearby. I thought I was the only one seeing strange things going on like 15 to 20 people living in a three bedroom house, also a strange man who does not live there just enters the house whenever he wants without knocking, Because last week he seemed very angry, he was cussing up a storm as he entered the house. Then the other thing is the way they park their cars in front of the house, as if they are trying to protect them from being taken, parking really close together. This very night one of the cars got repossessed, it is fairly new like just like her car is. I am hoping that she is paying for her car, but deep down I suspect hers will be taken back as well, she has only had it for three months, ane she only started her new job a month and a half ago, before she did not work. The other strange thing is her sister boyfriend is allowed to live in the house with them, no one I know does anything like that, and her sister keeps all her clothes in the trunk of her car.

      I hope and pray for her that the madness that goes on in that house gets cleaned out very soon, so she can have a good life and be happy, so even though things for she and I seem dim right now, it may be a start for her to live a far better life without the rest of her family being in the same house wth her. Her mom may loss control over her, and that is better for her even if she and I never see each other again! I want the best do her no matter what!

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      Avril 3 months ago

      Thank you. I've been having a really hard time for the past couple of weeks. I'm 25 years old, and my parents want me to migrate to another country with them and leave my job and the life I made where I live. The reason is because my mother cannot live without having us together. And my dad thinks I still need to straighten myself out because I've been busy with work and I changed because of it. Honestly I wasn't busy, I just wanted to get away from the house, them, and everything else that's choking me. At home, I'm never allowed to speak my mind. I'm never allowed to be myself. I'm never allowed to make my own decisions coz according to them, "You're still a kid, and you don't know what you're doing. We've been there before." They let me think I can make my own decisions but each choice I make has to be in accordance with their plan. If I speak my mind, they tell my I'm rebelling. If I try to suggest something, they think I'm talking back to them. If I try to make my own decisions, they think I'm being disrespectful. If I tell them about what I want to do with my life, they think I'm being worldly and abandoning my faith. My mother always involves me in her problems thinking I can solve them and be her shock-absorber. There's just no way around it. Not with them. I feel like I'm suffocating everytime I'm around them. I just wanna get away from it all. I tried to tell my mother about not wanting to go with them but she made it look like it was my fault coz I should've said something earlier when back then, she didn't even give me the chance to or made me feel guilty if I said no. I'm in the middle of my work right now but I can't even concentrate. I'm leaving in 6 days. I'm lying to my friends/workmates telling them I'll be back coz I'm just taking a leave off work. I'm leaving my boyfriend and everything else I have here. All for my parent's desire to "be together". We've been together for the past 25 years! I've been doing their wishes for 25 years. This is so stupid! I want to live my life, not live for my parents. I want to do what makes me happy. I don't know what to do right now. Their behavior has affected me mentally. I'm so lost. I feel like crying but I can't coz I'm at work. Why can't they just let me be?

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      Jenny 3 months ago

      I was isolated and passively sexually abused by the women I knew. They were smart and got out first so they could lay the blame on me as a boy. That fear has followed me my whole life. Not that it was ever clear enough to me to wag a finger. I refused to refer God to pallet such weakness in my situation. I was never respected or listened to. My mother was controlling and belligerently passive agressive. She told me sex was dirty and wrong but was provocative and fat. She has twisted my mind and my thoughts over time. My father was focused and a passive father. I found the internet with no guidance and found eBaums world. My older sister used her friends to introduce unknowing and socially repressed 7 year old me to porno. It never changed and never got better. I was constantly lied to and shut in to the house due to lies that I thought were love I never entertained them as truth. That was until I figured out how golden everyone but me was so I must be mentally ill. As you can see I am submissive, and I am a mirror of my mother. She has done this but my aggression has turned sexualized. She has stuck her cunt so far into my psyche I'm lucky she has no talent at it. I was adopted at birth. Never felt like I could love or trust. The standard was to high, and the world was too strict. The religious education masked it and was substituted in for my soul. No need to pull out "sin" to spell out "wrong". No one would want to see this being themselves. At least I can get fucked up (and no longer can, nor ever could). It won't rain.

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      Sofija 4 months ago

      All of your stories are my life too. All I can say is... I`ve tryed to help her, tryed to talk to her, to understand her... I`ve read a lot of spiritual, psyhological and other self-help books, been to many self improving worshops, meditation, reiki, I have talked to many ˝gurus˝ ... I`ve been to astrologer (helped me a lot to understand the situation), changed my first name by numerology (well that really helped me, no kidding, I pissed her off so badly and now I see my life and her role in it with different eyes, I have a lot more courage to stand against her). But none the less I still feel like she is my curse. I have to do things behind her back otherwise it goes south... I still don`t know why is this so. What really pissed me off was the conversation we had two weeks ago. I wanted to open a business but I needed her legal approval because she is the owner of the flat (address of the business). She said NO. But not only this. She also said to me that when she will die I will be able to do whatever I want but until then I`ll be doing whatever she approves and nothing more. I`m 33 years old!!! I want my life! So I went to see my father, he is astranged father with no will of taking care of me, I told him everything what happened in all these years and he decided he will help me. Thank God! Now all I need to do is to move away from her. Wish me the best of luck. I`ve paid my dues to her. I`ve helped her during her illness, now she is healthy and she doesn`t need me anymore and I don`t need her. I really hope this is my way out for good.

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      Amanda 4 months ago

      I am 29 I have a 6 year old little boy and I'm terrified that I will unknowingly parent him the way my mother did me!! How can I be sure to break the vicious cycle

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      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 4 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      I can't say my Mom was a controller. She was widowed with three children and was forced to go out to work. So, I grew up a product of my own self discipline.

      However, I am not a controller. I just do not like the idea of controlling anyone. I have enough trouble reining myself in at times.

      My two sons grew up knowing they could make their own decisions, ask for my advice if they felt they needed it and choose their own direction. No stereotypes for them or me.

      My Mom didn't agree this was the best way to raise children. One caveat for my sons was if they got into trouble and it was their fault, don't ask for my help. I figured if a child knowingly does something wrong, they must suffer the consequences of their decisions.

      If they were wrongly accused, I'd go to the Supreme Court to defend them.

      I think at some point as adults, they realized that they had to make their own decisions responsibly. I can't say if this was due to having that experience in their childhoods.

      I find today's parents hover too much to the point where their children's psychological growth is inhibited. It isn't necessary to know every detail of a child's life. To rob a child of their right to privacy only makes that child entirely dependent on their parents.

      Yes. I expected too much of my two. Too much responsibility for their own actions. Too much accountability for their decisions and too much awareness of how their actions could hurt others.

      I never had to punish my sons. They did enough of that to themselves when they made wrong decisions. But that is part of being a parent: knowing when to let go and when to reel back on parental authority for a child's own safety.

      I have to be honest. I find today's young adults whiny, supercilious and unable to admit that at age 21 they are adults. When a child is still a child at age 35, that speaks volumes of parents who were too controlling.

      Just my opinion.

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      Angelica 4 months ago

      Thank you for sharing your story

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      Liam 6 months ago

      As I've got older (approaching mid 20s) I've realised that my mum has many the personality traits as above. She's extremely controlling, but carries this off in a sort of insidious way that makes it not apparent to other people. Also, being an only child with very limited contact with my father, makes it to put it blunt, very, very difficult. Not having siblings or the back up of a present father around can certainly invalidate your feelings and problems. It fucking sucks in a lot of ways, and I have a pretty neutral overall feeling towards my mum.

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      Dr Brad Kayden 7 months ago from Atlanta, GA / Chicago, IL

      Melissa, thanks for sharing, enjoyed reading your story. As I have learned, and as others have shared here, an over an controlling parent is often a product of one's own lack of self-confidence. My wife and I share stories similar to yours growing up. We must fight to find ourselves inside everyday situations, any less and we can lose sight of what is important. Fortunately, our sad stories have been excellent grounds for breaking the perpetual cycle that has seemed to be going on for generations inside our families. We are both now estranged from our parents. This has not been an easy step for either of us to endure but the signs it needed to happen were, as we later realized, written everywhere. We still forever struggle with the idea of extended family and likely always struggle with our own demons but we are at peace fighting them confidently knowing we have separated ourselves from a perpetual cycle our four children will never see. Hope the same peace for you. Thanks for sharing.

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 8 months ago from Rural Central Florida

      I think you completely missed the point of the article if you think I blame my mother for what YOU call my bad decisions in life. I didn't make any decisions I didn't want to make. I chose to get married to my first husband specifically to get away from my mother. Yes I probably could've chose another way to do that, but I didn't. Yes, I chose to get divorced from that man to get out of a horribly abusive relationship. But I never blamed my mother for my choices. However, my mother took every chance she could to blame me for my choices and the so called horrible turn my life had taken. Personally, had my life not taken the twists and turns it did, I never would have found my loving husband or had my awesome daughter.

      Although you probably didn't mean it, I do take offense to your comment. While many people do focus on the bad in their lives, you have no right to assume how someone views the decisions they've made. And you certainly don't have the right to "read into" my article and assume I blame anyone for my choices when I said nothing of the sort. I GLADLY take responsibility for my life and the happiness I have found.

      I'm glad you think you have such a positive outlook in life. Clearly, you're an enlightened individual, although I suspect you may focus on the bad more than you'd care to admit since you were reading this article for some reason. But that's your choice and I'm glad you take responsibility for it.

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      Vanessa 8 months ago

      I'm sorry you had a difficult childhood. I enjoyed reading your story and could relate to most of it. What I'm not sure I understand though, is why you blame your mother for your poor decisions in life. Aren't you the only person that controls that? You are the only one that got married. You alone got divorced etc etc

      My brother blames our mum for all his unhappiness. People would rather blame others than take responsibility for their own life and their own mistakes.

      We had the same upbringing. Controlling and emotionally abusing mother. And still as adults this is the way she is. But, out of all the bad stuff, it only makes up for 20% of the time, and I still have a dad who is amazing. the rest of it is good. People focus on the bad way too much. It's sad really. Unlike my brother, I refuse to let her control me and I chose to live my life how I want. And as for my kids, I teach them patience, love, forgiveness, resilience and understanding.

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      Jennifer 8 months ago

      I remember my parents divorced when I was young and I remember the violence. Really young mostly we were put in the bedroom but I could still hear it. Remember once my dad leaving with his ear bleeding and I remember staying with neighbors that I was uncomfortable with. I had a complete stranger sitting with me while I peed in the bathroom. I don't remember a whole lot of good when my parents were together.

      I still don't remember much until my mom remarried. By this time Mom had moved us to Minnesota and dad was still in North Carolina. For the rest of my life I only seen my dad every 7-8 years but have always talked on the phone every few months or so. Mom always bashed my dad. I remember one night my mom waking me up telling me that my dad didn't want me anymore and asked me if my stepdad could adopt me. She told me my dad was upset with me because I told her about everything after visiting in North Carolina. I probably didn't didn't realize that I was a kid. Now that I'm older I realize that my dad didn't even know what to do with us when we visited. Dad would go to work and my step mom would lock us outside all day long to the point my brother and I almost drowned in a river. She didn't want us around she left her own kid in Germany.

      I remember my mom and stepdad have a massive arguments and they only ever really seen mom being the one freaking out throwing things. She was upset at my stepfather because he was always drinking and sometimes ruined our plans over it. They would argue and she started telling us kids to pack our bags because we would be moving out. After about 5 times of that reoccurrence we started hiding out laughing about them and how we're going to move away and pack our bags for the 10th time I mean we were kids.

      I remember watching cartoons with my parents on the weekend mornings and lots of camping trips and my mom always made sure we had lots of clothes and plenty of food. My mother started taking her frustrations out on us kids. I remember even though we had everything we needed my parents were never around most of the time. They were drinking all the time hanging out with friends having parties and us kids were all left in the basement to play.

      I think my mother was the worst with me and I think it's because I'm a girl. Now days I wonder if it's because I always had a better relationship with her father. It could be that I still loved my father and showed it.

      My older brother eventually moved out so all the attention was on me because my little brother was always perfect in her eyes. My mom was so anal about cleaning to the point I had toothbrushes in my hands to scrub around the faucets in the grout on the tub. She was always frustrated because we couldn't do things right like she wanted and she just got meaner and meaner. When I was a teenager she was still the same but yet always gave me a lot of freedom and of course I went right for parties and drugs. I had a really low self-esteem and completely afraid of my mom I wouldn't even go tell her I got my menstrual cycle. I remember my mom once throwing me on the bed and jumping on top of me slamming her fists on me because I didn't tell her what I was doing with my money.

      by the time I had a complete attitude.

      I was also bullied in elementary school as I was a chubby kid and my mom dressed me like an adult like I was a guinea pig for her to doll up. By high school I had just snapped and I was mean to even probably the nicest person.

      I made the mistake in my twenties just start working for my parents who owned a heating and air conditioning business and I learned the trade all the way to the top. I became a lead installer carrying important license that most guys don't even have.

      My mom and I never got along so occasionally there were issues at work and I can't tell you how many times I've been fired hired quit and rehired. I started feeling like my mother slave as she shoved me an attic after attic laughing about how many more bath and she had knowing I hated them. At this time I have a child that I'm raising on my own and would do anything to take care of him as his father ditched us and left me financially to do it on my own. I was making that an awesome salary and bought my son a trailer control. When I first did HVAC I was installing furnaces and ductwork and by the time I snapped I had been in attics almost every job with fiberglass being jammed in my face. I felt my skills were being completely wasted and at this time I felt like a slave completely and she would Giggle and demand slamming her hands on the table. Flashes her diamonds around and pasta show she's important and if you don't make her feel important boy are you in trouble. Now I'm 42 years old and still rebelling because I finally snapped one day working. I told the truth about my story but she stretches it to something completely bullshit. I've tried leaving employment with her several times but always fell flat on my face. Every time I tried to get away I was forced back. 911 took a lot HVAC a work away and there's always layoffs. I had problems searching for other work and finally in 2016 landed a job for another heating and air conditioning company. the heating and air conditioning company didn't have much work in the area I was licensed for and that's what they specifically hired me for. I did a month's worth of really big jobs being thrown out to the wolves which I can totally handle because my parents did the same thing. June I was laid off and was in a contract at my son school for daycare for the entire summer. Daycare has always been a nightmare with this trade because it's so fluctuating and daycares just need a schedule. At this point I'm so depressed and don't know what to do and don't even know if I want HVAC anymore. I refuse to go back to my mother's company!!!! Christmas I was told by my boss that they had big jobs coming up but now it's almost February and I'm unsure if they're pulling my leg or if they're really having trouble scheduling.

      Every time I try to break away from my mother I am sucked right back and it's getting to the point where my kid is spoiled by her and I just have no control at 42 years old. I picked the worst boyfriends who treat me like total crap. I am so truthful and so loving and it makes me a magnet for every single person out there that I would consider a leech. I have a hard time saying no because my mom never let me say no. I'm uncomfortable expressing myself because I was never allowed to. I feel like a sixteen-year-old trapped in a 42 year old body when I look at other people my age. I started having a lot of focus issues to the point where I was worried about what was going on with me. Finally seeing a psychotherapist who told me I carry severe anxiety from childhood and I didn't even know what that was. I was told I'm severely depressed so I do all I can to be more spiritual and tell myself that God has a plan. I believe everything I went through made me really strong but it sure still is a struggle to this day to have good relationships. I let people push and push and push and then bam I explode. Just the other day I was trying to talk to my mom about what I was doing to try to find work and I don't even know why I even try to talk to her because it always backfires. I can't handle the judgmental snootiness that comes out of her that makes me want to completely just smack her ass. I actually did at age 23 after being punched by her a few times I floored her ass but afterwards didn't feel so good about my mom going in an ambulance so I learned that's not how I want to handle things. Bottom line I understand completely it will completely screw you up. All I can say is this government that are straight and shit out because I need to work and take care of my son and not ever ever ever have to listen to one more word that comes out of that woman's mouth. Narcissistic behavior all the way!!!

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      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 9 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      My Mother and I were as different as night and day. I think I had the usual mother/daughter difficultie during my teen years. Once I married, I was my own woman on so many levels. I never felt bound by my mother's ideas of discipline or natural growth to adulthood.

      I am probably all too self-contained for my own good. But, that isn't really my problem since I am happy with who I am and have always been. If anyone has driven me, it was me. My Mom lived a very difficult life. Mine was not as difficult, although by today's standards, not owning a TV set until 1952 and having a telephone "party line" might seem archaic.

      I have always been able to be philosophical about parents. I always knew I was more the laid back type like my maternal grandmother. I prefered all things cerebral to hands on. My Mother was a ball of energy. I never was. She was also quite determined and persistent in an aggressive sort of way. I was more the "wait and see" type.

      Life is strange. Over the years, all those differences I thought existed between my Mom and me seemed less so when I became a mother. Although, in truth my parenting skills tended to be a bain in her life. I believe that the best way for children to learn responsibility is to let them be responsible even as toddlers. I don't much care for today's psycho babbling parents seem to feel is necessary to raise children's "autonomy." To me, it is more like being helicopter parents. But, I am also a big proponent of "Live and Let Live." I have always given my two sons the opportunity to make decisions, carry them out and sometimes, suffer the consequences, hard as that can be. I often think Moms are viewed unfairly because it is always Mom who makes the sacrifices that go unappreciated and unseen. I think it is important to always remember that your mother is a product of her mother, her mother's mother and so on. That usually takes the sting out of the hostility. This assumes there is not a situation where mom is an alcoholic, drug addict or other.

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      McKenna Meyers 10 months ago from Bend, OR

      Melissa, I enjoyed reading this and connected to a lot of what you wrote. I, too, decided to distance myself from my mother when my first child was born. Her interactions with him brought back painful memories from my own childhood. I could react more objectively when it was happening to someone else other than me. If she couldn't be a loving grandparent to my son, she really didn't have a purpose in my life. She drained me of energy and just made me feel bad about myself. It's amazing how our kids can make us take care of ourselves in ways we never thought possible. Best to you!

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      The Stages Of ME 20 months ago

      Dear daughter of Maat,

      I was in tears reading this and amazed that you endured with such a beautiful smile. As a mother I am so sad you had these tough experiences of loss after loss, no matter, you are amazing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Hugs

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      Jean Bakula 2 years ago from New Jersey

      Daughter of Maat,

      Thanks for sharing your story, as many people have controlling parents. I grew up with scoliosis, a spine curvature, and my Mom was over protective, which manifests in somewhat the same way. Treating someone like they are so fragile makes you feel they don't think you can manage your own life. In truth, I lived in chronic pain, wore a brace and got teased, and had to be very strong. When I got old enough to date boys, (I ditched the brace) she was always snooping in my life, also keeping track of my periods, and picking fights with me. I also had a diary, and finally wrote things in it to freak her out so she would stop reading it.

      Things got better when I got married and got away, and I loved my husband. Then when she got older, she became a big burden again, a hypochondriac, always getting sick anytime we were going out, or on vacation. I miss her and loved her, but was saved by my husband, who always treated me like a competent person. It really threw me when she passed on, and I went to therapy for a bit, because I felt relief along with my grief, and was afraid it wasn't normal. But the therapist assured me it was best to get yourself out of a toxic family situation, and I think you did the right thing. You were strong, and I hope you have the happy life you now deserve. Best Regards.

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 2 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      @MetroidFan89 AMEN!!! I admit that there have been times when I have felt bad about not talking to my mother. But recently I experienced a situation that has made me realize I've been 100% right the whole time. Someone called my mother and told her some very nasty things about my husband, non of which were true, but my mother believed this person anyway. There is no doubt now that not speaking to her has been the right choice. For my own mother to believe the things this person said is absolutely unbelievable and unacceptable, and as I told my husband, if she is stupid enough to believe what she was told then I never ever want to talk to her or even see her again.

      Congratulations on taking back your life! I wish you all the best!

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 2 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      Hi Shawn,

      Sorry for the delay in my response, I recently bought a house and just finished moving and getting the internet hooked up.

      I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but congratulations on coming out! That takes a LOT of courage, and you should be very proud about that accomplishment! The fact that you're only 25 and have already come out says a lot about you. You're getting to know who you are and you're becoming more comfortable with that. So many people wait until their 40's or even later to come to terms with who they truly are, so consider yourself lucky that you had the courage to do so at such a young age!

      As for your situation, I highly recommend going to meet the man you met online. I was just a year older than you when I met my husband online and fell in love. We met on Xbox live and the day we finally met in person, he moved in, we've been together for 11 years now and have a nine year old little girl, and as I said, finally just bought a house. As for your mother saying you can't come back if you go, awesome! I say that because it gives you a chance to get out from under her thumb and live your life. Do you have a friend you can stay with until you find a place? If not, you never know, maybe this guy is your soul mate like my husband is, and you'll end up getting married and living happily ever after and you won't have to worry about going back home! Of course, that may not be the case, so you should try to come up with a contingency plan before you go, but take the chance.

      If there's one thing I've learned in this life, it's that everything happens for a reason and at the exact time it needs to. Meeting this man may be not only your way out, but your reward for putting up with your mother's crap for so long. But you won't know until you take the chance. Do it. Don't be the person whose on their death bed regretting the chance they never took.

      It's YOUR life, not your mother's, not your sister's, it's yours. Grab it and run with it. Enjoy every minute and fight for your happiness. Trust me, it will be so worth it in the long run. Happiness isn't a destination. It's the journey. I wish you all the best, and again congrats on accepting who you are!! Never let anyone take that away from you!

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      Kimberley Clarke 2 years ago from England

      A great piece. Thank you. I'll be 35 in a couple of weeks and still feel the wrath of a controlling parent!

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      Shawn 2 years ago


      I really didn’t think of writing to anyone about this. But it always helps to write to someone/talk to someone who isn’t someone I know. It always does help. I’m 25 years old, male and living at home with my mother and sister. My sister’s boyfriend also lives with us… That’s another story for another time.

      I don’t know where really to begin. I love my mother. I really do. But something I question it. She is the type of person who when you are upset and want to cry to her about things (and she’s told me time and time again that if I was bothered or upset by something to come to her. That I could tell her anything) she pushes you away. She has no more compassion then a toad stool. And it hurts like hell. It really does. My sister is the exact same way. Though a little more kinder towards me.

      When ever I try to do something beneficial for myself, it backfires and my mother taunts me for it. She chastises me and patronises me for not being the best I can be and not doing the best I can do. I will be honest here. I don’t drive, have no license to drive and that also doesn’t help my situation. But I am afraid, more like terrified to drive a car. But anyways…

      Nothing is good enough for her. I have a job, though it pays good money it’s not a 9-5 job. It’s part-time and it’s not good enough for her. She expects me to find a second job or I’m out of the house. Trouble is we all know how damn hard it is to find new jobs. It’s not easy. It’s easier said then done. But it’s never good enough for her. I’m paying off my phone bill and helping with groceries and necessities and it’s never good enough for her.

      My father is a different story. I don’t live with him. I visit him now and again. My mother and father divorced when I was 9. It was a big impact on me but I know it wasn’t my fault they divorced. I know that now, but it didn’t stop me from believing it was my fault when I was growing up. He encourages me to be myself and yes to do the best I can but if it’s not stellar it’s okay. It’s the best I can do. And he’s okay with that. He’s extremely proud of me in whatever I do. I have a better relationship with him because of it.

      In the past I’ve tried to get back into school (dropped out of community college years ago, family issues) and each time both my parents have scared me out of going because of the ever-popular financial difficulty. Taking a loan, having to repay the loan, etc…

      And each time I got accepted to a university or out-of-state/in state college (three to be exact) I backed out because both my parents frightened me into thinking I’d sink like the Titanic with debts up the wahzoo if I went away for school. That wasn’t right for them to do and yes they were worried but they should have let me do my own thing. But they didn’t. And they scared me. And I fell for it. I should have known better but I fell for it. And it’s past so that cannot be changed.

      I rarely hear my mother say that she truly loves me. The only time she does is when she’s really hammered. Completely shit-faced drunk. And it’s so hurtful, incredibly embarassing to me to hear my mother tell me I should have taken the offer from that college and that she will always love me. It is sad, beyond sad that she has to be drunk off her ass to tell me she loves me. It hurts me like you cannot imagine…

      Another part of this is the fact I came out as gay recently. As of last year. My mother once, when she was very drunk told me It’s my fault I was so late in coming out. And that hurt me so much. My sister even agreed. It hurt me a lot. But that is how they are.

      Anyways, enough of the backstory.

      I recently as of a month ago and some days, met this guy online. A mutual friend of ours introduced us and we hit it off very quickly. He lives quite a ways away from me. He recently decided to surprise me with a ticket for the bus to visit him and we could meet for the first time. He’s put aside money to rent a car because his car is useless and he doesn’t want us breaking down while traveling to places. He’s taken days off for this trip for me to see him and my mother in typical fashion told me no.

      Let me get this straight, I’m 25 and her ruling has bearing on me how? But she said no. And I’m entirely intimidated by her. I have always tried to please her but it’s never good enough. She wants him to come here. But he cannot. Financially he cannot. But I can go there. But she won’t allow me. And she’s told me if I decide to go I won’t be allowed back. That her home is not a hotel. When I told her that I don’t have ANY appreciation for what I do in the house. I clean up after my sister and her boy-friend and their dog. I do A LOT. More than her boyfriend ever fucking does. Sorry for my expletives. He is a slob. A right slob. And just because he has a 9-5 job, and has days off he think he’s exempt from household duties? Like dishwashing and bathroom cleaning? Why am I stuck with all of this shit? Is it because I don’t have a 9-5 full-time job and make the money he makes that I can laze around like he does and not give a fuck about the woman’s house he currently lives in? They don’t pay rent. Neither do I. But seriously. He’s a problem. He’s a nice guy but he’s a problem. He and my sister leave dog feces for days on the floor in the basement because their dog isn’t trained. It’s a hoarder’s DREAM down there. It’s sickening, the smell and the sight of things. And it’s in our house. My mother takes a lot of pride in her house and her lawn. Recently the lawn mower and weed whacker went kaput. I just had to put almost $30.00 out of my own pocket of money I barely even have to pay for a professional law mowing service to come out and do the work. My sister’s boyfriend and I made a deal that I do one lawn, he does the other. Since the lawn mower and weed whacker went out of commission, he hasn’t lifted a finger. But that is how he is. They all, the three of them suit one another very well. I feel like a total outcast compared to them combined.

      I just. I don’t know what to do. Some of my friends say her threatening to kick me out is a sign for me to spread my wings. Maybe it is. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for writing what you write. It was eye-opening honestly.

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      CrazyGata 2 years ago from Puerto Rico

      Greetings to all,

      I am the controlling mother and I am writing to say I am oh so very sorry.

      I am sorry. I am sorry for not allowing your spirit to flow, I am sorry for denying you what I couldn't live without, my say and my way. I am sorry for disguising convenience with love. I did not know any better. Yet the fact that I did not know any better does not detract from what I put you through, my constant demands and my bitter inconsideration.

      You deserved to be happy from the get go. I messed up your childhood, I can't give it back to you renewed, and for that I am truly sorry in my heart.

      Thank you very much for this post. I read through some of the posts and there are truly so many of us I was wondering if we'll ever talk Mother's Day like we do Christopher Columbus.

      I was too the daughter of a controlling mother. I will add this link over there.

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      D. Shaw 3 years ago from Austin, Texas

      I can totally relate to this. All my life my mom has controlled me. I couldn't even go out and see friends during my time at high school. I had to go home and stay in the house while my parents went to work. I'm 25 now and I've been staying at my job for 7 years. I put my 2 weeks in to pursue a full career in video game journalism, and she went on and on about why I didn't consult her and dad first. I have to stay home and pretend to be someone I'm not.

      I'm not doing it anymore, and I'm done being controlled by my mom. I can move out when I want to, since she says I've ruined her life and I'll do what I want to do. I can't even trust some of my friends since she says anyone I know isn't a real "friend". She doesn't want me to move out and says she can't accept me for who I am. I left that job because it was making me sick and miserable. Transferring to a different location isn't something I wanted to do because that would just be taking my problems with me.

      I hate to say it, but if it came to me never talking to my mom again I wouldn't shed a tear or be sad about it. When you've had to live a lie for your whole life and pretend to be someone else, you end up hurting yourself mentally. I will decide what I want to do with my life.

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      Anon555 3 years ago

      I forgot to thank you for writing this. I had an extreme emotional reaction to you story. I didn't cry but it was something different than everything that I ever felt. I was like shaking for like half an hour... lol. I understand now why I'm like this and why mother does what she does, thanks to you. Actually found this page a few weeks ago but only got the guts to post now, for some reason. You and your hub changed my life, DOM.

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      Anon555 3 years ago

      I can relate to this so much, it's unreal.

      I think that my mom's attitude left my mind in chaos. Basically I feel like I have no personality, because I wasn't given any space to develop one. I struggle to create anything because I have very little imagination and I struggle to find anything enjoyable (including talking to people) besides a few hobbies. I still find myself pretty clever or whatever it is due to the "analytical mind" you talked about here. Just so you can acknowledge my current situation, I'l let you know that I'm typing this on my phonr because she won't let me on the PC simply because it's where I "hide" from her. I'm forced to stay around her in the house because she's bored and I'm the only person she has available to criticize everytime she feels like to. The only time I'm left in peace is when her boyfriend comes to the house and she'll make his life a living hell instead. The only reason he copes with it is because she gives him" that thing we all know", which says everything ,about what she is really. I could go on for hours and tell you the kind of stuff I've had to deal with during my whole childhood, but i won't because you, very well, already said most of it. The only reason for which i'm still living with this person is because I don't have a chance of being financial independent as of right now. I wish this comment made me feel any better, as it seems to have for most of you, but it really didn't. Why? Because my life at home is still a living hell. Luckily I have my girlfriend who I love very much and is the reason why I keep smiling ;)

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      Indeed, my mom did abuse my father the same way. In fact, she still does. The poor man is very ill, incontinent, some neurological problems with an etiology we aren't sure of and she thinks dad is faking the whole thing. She's treating him like crap, its so sad. He tried to do everything for her, but like you said, it was never "right." I will never understand how anyone can treat their husband so badly, someone they have vowed to love, let alone treat their own children that way.

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      Mary 3 years ago

      Wow this article could have been written by me. Dd your mother verbally abuse your father too. I will never forget the last really big fight my mother had with my father who was dying from heart disease (he never told us about it and hid all his meds in a locked-up drawer in his desk) about how he never did anything for her. Not true. He did a lot for her - maybe too much - but he could never do it "right", pretty much the same way she treated me. I was never good enough for her even though I was always compliant to her wishes and abused to the point where I attempted suicide a total of five times (have no idea how I survived all the pill taking. I really don't.) and had to hide from her. Not to mention a serious eating disorder which began in my pre-teens (mom thought I was getting "fat" as soon as I hit puberty - 5'3" and 100 lbs was fat in her eyes). Now that both my parents are gone it is still hard to "let go" permanently. On the positive side I am happily married, no children at all (I would never a good parent make and neither would my husband) a career and fairly peaceful life. Yes it is hard to let go. Thank you for writing this.

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      @Shania You definitely need to set those boundaries. I'd move if I were you, but that's probably not realistic. I wish you all the best, and know that you are not alone. As you can see, many people have commented that they are in a similar situation. Take solace in the fact that there are others who understand you!

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      @KT I know exactly how you feel. My parents are currently having severe health issues and their passing is becoming more imminent. But I still don't regret my decision to avoid my mother. She's now treating my dad the way she treated me, albeit much worse. He has health issues that are not his fault, yet she blames him and says he's doing it for attention. It's despicable. No one deserves to be treated that way. Like you, I'm much more at peace, even considering their failing health. I think it was the best decision I ever made. It gave me my life back.

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      KT 3 years ago

      Your article really hit a nerve, I too grew up with an extremely controlling and narcissistic mother. In 2008, I decided to stop talking to her and I never regretted my decision, I feel happier and more at peace.

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      Shania 3 years ago


      This felt like I could have written it. But my father is controlling as well... And so is my aunt, who also lives with them. They don't guide you to make decisions for yourself, they tell you what to do. Even now when all 3 of us are over 20.

      It wasn't until I moved out after I started my own business that I started finding myself and being amazed at what I can accomplish on my own without being dependent. Their "support" driving me to and from my first job, which they still do for my sister in college and my sister for her job, and preparing meals and not letting us do chores, is crippling. And not practical for growing up. They did send us to good schools and I do have an achiever complex, for always wanting their approval and having them be proud of me. I've learned to live by my standards, and my husband's, and do what we feel is best for our child and not guilt myself into doing what they say I should. Problem is, we now live 4 doors down from their house, as we are paying them rent to own and got the contract price cheap. So they visit my daughter maybe everyday. This reminds me we probably need to limit this time again and not let them be too familiar with me and my house, like when we started. And impose boundaries.

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      Shania 3 years ago

      Thank you so much for writing this. I took have been fortunate to find someone who loves me and whom I love, which was the one thing I always wished for even as a child. He is, too, my first real boyfriend and now husband, and escaping with him may be somewhat parallel to your situation. Fortunately, there IS much love.

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      BlueIndigoGal 3 years ago

      Thank you so very much for this.

      My parents are the exact same way, Mother demeaning the Father and controlling and yelling at me.

      Sending you peaceful vibrations...thank you for sharing!

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      run away 3 years ago

      Basically I want to add that even at age 30 , an overbearing mother can inflict damage onto someones self esteem. The best cure in my case is to cut off ties completely. They depend on those ties , it's like nourishment to them. It's hard , they're your blood but it's our lives we're talking about here and our happiness is of utmost importance.

      Good luck to all and God bless.

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      Kylie 3 years ago

      I love this. In ways my childhood was worse, in some ways better, and in some my mom did the exact same things. I'm not sure what the point was, maybe a parental warning, but it just feels nice to know someone else that gets it. Thank you.

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      Paula 3 years ago from The Midwest, USA

      I came across your hub, and was so glad you shared your story. Judging by the amount of comments at least, you can tell you have touched people's lives with this story. Life is so hard sometimes, even when things are going fairly well for people. Having to deal with what you did, makes me amazed all the more at how people overcome. It is so wonderful that you are helping your daughter to have a different life too.

      On a total side note, I do wonder about one thing, as you were describing your mother. I have wondered about women as they get older, and are around family members and seem to be flipping out a lot, like the turkey going into the trash story. There are some people that are victims of the raging chemicals and hormones in their bodies, that don't even realize it nor get help. This is no defense whatsoever, but mention it because it has helped me to understand some people I have come across in my own life. Generally, you can tell though, if they are not the type to usually be doing such crazy and hurtful things. If they are, then that is usually just what it is. Otherwise, it can be a strange sort of comfort that there might be some help to be had, or that things may calm down over time. One of the reasons it is so important to get help if that is the case, is because of the severe destruction it can cause for families. Just ignore that as a total side note, if I am way off base. If there were more going on, it can be helpful to know it, for people I have known anyway. Most people don't want to be so hateful and awful I would imagine.

      Regardless you are a trooper and I am so happy for you to do what you had to get your life on track as much as you could. Wishing you and your daughter the very best in the future, and continued healing as that is needed!

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      Nicole Canfield 3 years ago from the Ether

      I just wanted to say hello. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can relate on so many levels. Blessings and hope you and your family are well!

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      Saskia 3 years ago

      Hi I'm 13 years old and came across this website when I searched controlling mums and I must say, the resemblance of your mother's behavior and my mother's behavior is startling. How can I deal with it now? I live in England and when I'm 18, I am going to completely alter my appearance, change my name and get out of the country. Maybe even out of the continent. I really don't want any connections when I'm older with her or my dad. I don't know how to deal with it psychologically. I really need some advice and since your mother is so similar to mine, you would be my best bet. Xxx

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      I admit at times I do feel guilty, since my mother's health is declining rapidly. But I'm also concerned that if I contact her again, I'll end up back in the same cycle, and would stop contacting her again, which would only do more harm. Eventually I may write her a letter.

      I'll have to check out that book! Thanks for the recommendation!

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      No regrets 3 years ago

      Omg so get this with my own mother and grandmother I always thought I was the only 1 thank god I finally understand this was not my fault I am in the process of cutting my grandmother off its hard but has to be done. X

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      leighj 3 years ago

      I found your story by doing a Google search of "signs of a controlling mother".

      My story is similar in many, many ways.

      My mother was always the controlling type. My sister and I were always being watched and told what to do constantly. As children, we could never sleep over at anyone's house, never go to birthday parties unless my mother knew the kid's parents really well and could never go anywhere with any friends. Whereas other children were forming bonds with each other and developing important social skills, my sister and

      I would spend weekends and holidays doing whatever my mother wanted to do- grocery shopping, cleaning the house, relaxing at home (with her) or coming with her to visit her friends. We were always scrutinized by her with regards to dressing, walking, talking, eating, manners, conversations with other people, phone conversations with friends... The list goes on.

      My father and I were really close, but my father was passive- I don't know whether he was bullied by my mother or if he just simply agreed to everything she said but he would always do whatever my mother instructed... She made all the decisions when it came to us with regards to everything.

      When I got to high school, my mother and I used to argue a lot. She would always go through my room, read my diaries, and would even openly mock whatever I had written in my diaries! When I used to have my own opinion and, if my mother didn't agree, she would belittle me and tell me what a terrible, rude, obnoxious person I am (and this was when I was 13, 14 and 15 years old!).

      Things really went downhill when my father died when I was 16. When he died, she never once sat down and asked my sister and I how we felt or ever hugged or consoled us. The only thing she did was cry when visitors came over and she would continuously tell us that she is a widow and a single parent who will have to look after two children on her own... And how we need to behave ourselves.

      I somehow went looking for affection elsewhere... I had a boyfriend for a short time in high school. He was your typical high school guy, and not the type of guy to seek affection in, but I was a teenager and didn't know better. We had never slept together, but, when my mother found out, she punished me severely. She accused me of sleeping with him, slapped me on my face and even called me a street whore. She took away my phone, turned my whole room upside down to find evidence of anything, questioned my friends about him and me, spoke to my friends parents about it and even told the community religious leader, who sat down and had a conversation with me about how I should "listen to my mother" and how it is "difficult for her as she is a single parent". Everytime my mother and I would argue, she would always bring this up and emphasise that I'm a bad person.

      High school continued and, when I graduated, I got accepted at a university a long way from home. I finally had my freedom and went a bit wild... I wasn't studying (I was a really good student in school), I was socializing with friends and actually formed a serious relationship with a guy I met. My mother would still try to keep tabs on me... Calling really often, always questioning what I'm doing and she would constantly pressure me to apply for a university which was nearer to home- she said I was too far away and she didn't like it at all.

      By the time I got to second year, I was failing and I had also secretly married my boyfriend. In my third year, I decided to quit university ( I was failing anyway), my relationship fell apart and I had no choice but to move back home.

      My mother was actually really happy that I quit... I could be at home under her watch and her control. She eventually found out that I secretly got married. She was terribly furious, and every single privilege I had (I was already 21) got taken away. I was studying another degree through correspondence, and, as I was living under my mothers roof again, I had to do/ behave/ think whatever she instructed. Whenever there were arguments, my past mistakes would be brought up again, and she would make me feel as if I was the worst person in the world.

      Fast forward to when I was 24, I met someone from another country (that's a long story- even meeting him was under the watchful eye of my mother). My mother somewhat liked him and we decided to get married- I believe she only agreed for us to get married as almost everyone else who was my age, or older, in our little town, were already married or were going to get married soon. I think my mother was far too concerned about what other people thought and what the community thought.

      Also, she looked forward to throwing an event that would rival other people's weddings and events.

      The build up to the wedding was terrible. My mother would criticize all of my choices and would be constantly scolding me, even for the smallest things. She took the "lead" role when it came to my wedding- although I got to choose my dress and the decor etc., she would make sure that she is the only one who would speak to the caterers, wedding organizers, potential guests etc. My sister and I (at that stage 28 and 24 years old respectively) were still "immature children" in her eyes, who were not capable of organizing things and speaking to other adults about arrangements. In her mind, only she could do it right.

      When I used to remind her to call someone or do something, she would break out, and shout at me that I'm pressurizing her and that she is "alone" and can only do so many things.

      The wedding happened, after much stress, and my husband went back to his country and I had to stay back for another 2 months to write my final exams. During those 2 months, my mother would continuously rave about how her and my sister put such a lot of effort, dedication, time, sweat and tears into my wedding and, how, after the wedding, they had to sort out, package and pack all of the leftover food,desserts and cakes to take back home.

      Also, during the 2 months, she was telling me that I shouldn't leave (to go live with my husband in his country). I should stay at home. She kept saying that "think twice about this", "don't take too many things with you, in case you want to come back home", " I don't think its a good idea to leave", "I don't think you should go". When I would argue with her about this, and many other things, she would tell me that I have become rude and arrogant since I got married, and she would say things like, since you know you are leaving, you are so rude and obnoxious to your mother and sister...

      Whilst I was at home for those two months, she wouldn't even let me get mobile phone credit to call or message my husband (I was in the final year of my studies, so I wasn't working and had to rely on her). She wouldn't even let me skype him. I had to Skype him in private when she wasn't at home and he had to always call or message me.

      I eventually left to stay in husband's country. After many dramas, my mother hates my husband... And me. She has tried over and over to manipulate me so that I can divorce him and come back home. We have had tons of arguments where she brings up my mistakes in high school and university. She constantly calls me a liar, hypocrite, manipulative... She will tell me about the things she did for me when I was a teen (like dropping me and picking me up from sports classes) and how I had always had a good life with lots of freedom back home...

      I have not spoken to her in about 2 years. She will email me every now and then to tell me how terrible I am, how awful my husband is and how much she did for me as a child and teen.

      I hate the fact that I don't have a healthy adult relationship with my mother, but, thinking back, the relationship was never healthy to begin with. The only thing that will make her happy is doing what she wants. Being apart from her has helped me be me, without ridicule or criticism.

      I might not have a perfect life, but I have had the freedom to explore my talents, feelings and abilities to form relationships with other people (which has been the hardest part).

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      Jen 3 years ago

      I didn't read through the many comments on here, but I have a mother who was exactly the same way. The erratic emotional behaviour, verbal abuse and control was just as you described. I have since learned that she has something called "Borderline Personality Disorder" There are a number of books out there about it and the impact it has on children growing up with a parent who has it. One is actually called "Walking on Eggshells". I encourage you to research it. I would like to cut her right out of my life, but haven't got the courage yet. She is also older and in lightly declining health and I would feel too guilty at this point to cut her off.

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      Megan 3 years ago

      My situation is EXACTLY like yours. Years, ages, everything is the same. Except I haven't married him yet and cats. Thank you.

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      There isn't really anything you can do to make it any better, and generally whatever you do say will simply make it worse. I found the best way to deal with the situation was to either act like you are listening and say yes, ma'am; no ma'am to her statements and do as she says, or cut ties completely. They are ticking time bombs and no matter what you do, that bomb will go off eventually despite your attempts to diffuse it.

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      Jmariegirl 3 years ago

      yes what do I say to make it better or do I need to just ignore it when she commands me to do something. For example, today she told us to be in the van with the kids ready. And she's a perfectionist- she called my house in disarray (cause we were in the middle of decorating for Christmas!).

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      @Jmariegirl, unfortunately it will only continue to get worse. Can I help?

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      @nysph, yes very well said. VERY well said.

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      @nysph Thank you so much for your comment. I whole-heartedly agree with you. Society makes us feel guilty for not having any interest in a relationship with our mother, and that wreaks havoc on our mental health. Parents and family members are the one relationship we don't get to chose in this life, and I personally think that forcing someone to have a relationship with someone they clearly do not like, let alone love, is torture. So please, take it from me, you don't have to have a relationship with your mother, and don't feel guilty for not wanting one. You had no choice in your upbringing, but you do have a choice in this. I hope you are able to afford rent soon so that you can get a fresh start, and enjoy life. I must say, removing myself from that situation, (although I probably should have done it differently), was very freeing and I am now free to enjoy my life. :) I wish you all the best!

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      @AKB, Thank you so much for your kind words. I agree that keeping Sam from her grandparents was a bold choice, and it was a difficult decision. But she is much happier for it I believe, compared to what I was feeling at her age, and to me that makes it all worth it. :) Hope you have a fantastic holiday season!

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      Anon, I'm sorry you have to suffer with this and I'm glad my article could help you. That was my main reason for writing it. I wish you all the best!

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      @mamma_mia, while I respect your opinion, I did it offensive. You assume I want to contact my biological mother, but I have no wish to do so. Why would I? She obviously didn't want me, so why would I want to know her? It makes no difference to me why she chose to give me away. She had her reasons, I'm sure, but knowing what those reasons are will make no difference in my life as it is today. The same goes for my biological father. He has made no effort to contact me, and I have made efforts to contact him when I was younger. There is no reason to attempt further communication.

      As for my "parents" being my biological grandparents, yes they are, but they are still my parents. I'm not sure why you brought this point up.

      Also, you assume I need healing. I'm perfectly at peace with my decision. In fact, you're entire comment is very assuming, which is what I find so offensive. I understand that you believe my parents have been hurt by my actions, but apparently, it doesn't matter to you what I have gone through. Society has this idea that the child should make any and all attempts to reconcile regardless of what they have suffered, and I personally believe that is complete and utter crap. We have no choice in who our parents are, but we can chose whether or not to continue a relationship with them. If someone has been physically abused by their parents, should they make any and all efforts to reconcile? I would hope you would say no.

      Mental abuse is just as painful, and in many cases can be worse than physical abuse.

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      Jmariegirl 3 years ago

      I need advice for bossy/controlling mom. She doesn't even realize how she sounds in front of others and her controlling nature is gradually getting worse each year.

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      nysph 3 years ago

      Society is structured to feed arrogance to parenthood or authority in any form, regardless of 'righteousness' or facts-whether that authority is in right knowledge to make a judgement which would impact anothers' life. Problem with misconception is that no parent or 'authority' figure can know what is truly right for YOU! Such a relationship turns to dishonesty because the heart wants something regardless of how many times it is denied it.

      It's not only about financially supporting our kids, but emotionally bonding with them-UNDERSTANDING them, not in our minds or in comparison to what we invision of them in our minds, but to Unconditionally ACCEPT them as they are, regardless of how discrepant their beliefs or acts may seem. To be able to Support, there must be higher judgement in Understanding which means to Listen without judgement.

      Until there is an honest, heart to heart connection, the problems would only perpetuate.

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      nysph 3 years ago

      I'm very warmed to finally relate with someone about my mother, who adopted me at the age of 5-6 months. There is just so much to say about this article... Everything posted here is spot on to how I've felt about my mother for 26 years now, with no ability to relate to anyone.

      Sometimes it gets easy to lose hope, especially since I cannot afford rent atm and am forced to help her on top of the slavery, as I like to call it. The lack of joy/interest in such a relationship has started to impact me on many levels.

      There has to be more attention directed at parenthood-mainly about relating to their kids in a friendly manner; something I never experienced with a reticent father and controlling mother.

      6-8 hours a nightwalks where I could get away from the spiritual noise and parental Hypocrazy was divine in comparison to 'family time'.

      Thing is, there is NO reasoning that ever works with them (the parents or relatives of) that can convince them until they learn to accept the responsibility of self-honesty.

      One more thing: age is a mere number in comparison to understanding of facts in a self-honest, objective way; and parents can lose sight of this.

      thanks for sharing!

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      AKB 3 years ago

      I totally understand this because I have dealt with the same thing. I tell you, it is a real headache to put up with an irritating parent who makes a huge deal out of the most trivial things and rants about stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with what goes on. You are right to say that it is a pain in the "you know where" that people behave like that because they find nothing else better to do. I have been there, so I know exactly what that is like. What really stunned me was how you wanted to keep your own kid away her grandparents!! That is bold, but I have to say that you may be doing right for the kid because she does NOT want her to face the same kind of stress that you did growing up. To bear through so much and still make it stronger, I salute you!! Best wishes for better days!!

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      mamma_mia 3 years ago

      I found your story quite interesting.

      The part that really caught my attention the most is when you express your concern about your grandparents getting old. I'm sorry to say something that might sound inappropriate, but your "parents" are your biological grandparents, and as far as I understood they might have gotten quite traumatized about what their own daughter was able to do - getting out of the picture in such a way...

      Don't you think it might be very good and deeply healing for you to try to reach them at least once more in order to find out about this?

      I wouldn't suggest getting too close on daily bases, but at least to explore this situation and their feelings before they are gone.

      Also, could you maybe try contacting your biological mother? To leave you with them is something she could at least sit down with you to chat about... mostly if her mother was as psychologically unstable when she raised her as well...

      Finally, is there no way for you to get in touch with your grand/father without keeping too close to his wife? how is his impression of what had happened to you as a child?

      I'm not suggesting you should share all that with us, but I would respectfully like to know your opinion about these topics being explored before they are all gone and it is too late.

      We all deal with some kind of parent's failure and it is hard to let go, or to keep distance from people we love and still are toxic to us. Yet, do you think it might help having a very clear picture of the circumstances so to forgive and let go in our hearts?

      Best Wishes.

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      Anon 3 years ago

      This sounds like it was written by me. Currently my parents are screaming at each other about their issues including myself and my brother as "issues" while I sit here writing this and struggling through my Political Science paper. Thanks for enlightening me as to what kind of path I need to follow moving on with this!

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      Fille dela Lune, So sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you are a bit trapped at the moment. Unfortunately, I'm not really sure how to deal with that type of situation since walking away is not an option. That type of person never really changes, so I'm not sure what you can do. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I know money is tight, but if you have insurance, it might be worth a session or two just to get someone else's insight? I wish you all the best.

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 3 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      TLP, unfortunately, if you don't put a stop to your mom's belligerent ways, it won't get any better. That's why I finally cut ties with her. I just couldn't take it anymore, and she gets worse as she gets older. The only other person in my family I'm close to is my sister, and I've made peace with that. Aside from her, my only real family is my husband and daughter. And I can tell you that if someone truly loves you, it won't matter how dysfunctional your family is. It didn't matter to my husband! I wish you all the best, and feel free to contact me if you just want to talk.

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      TLP 3 years ago

      Although the facts aren't identical, my story is so similar to yours. I'm really struggling to keep my mother away from me. I told her a couple of years ago that I don't want her in my life. I come from a very large, close, Catholic family, and I know they'll struggle to understand. I am still afraid to try to tell them what is going on because I'm not sure they'll support me, so I stay away from them too, as my mother is very close to them.

      I never want to witness her wrath ever again, but she keeps finding ways to tell me what a bad person I am. I really struggle to put it behind me, although my life has improved since I forced a distance between us.

      As I can't really go to my extended family, I'm pretty much on my own. I have good friends and one or two friends who are really supportive (whom I really treasure). I struggle to form intimate relationships, either with friends or with a partner, and I really notice it around times like Christmas.

      I'm just wondering whether it gets better? I'm in my mid thirties. I still don't feel like I have complete control over my situation with my mum because she still finds ways to have a go (verbally only). It feels like it'll never change. I still never know what to say to people. I still kind of think that potential partners will think there's something wrong with me. Lots of you seem to have your own families. I can't imagine anyone wanting that with me because of how dysfunctional my family is.

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      Fille dela Lune 4 years ago

      I have the same exact experience, though it is unfortunate that I could not find a way out of it. My mother is now a dementia patient though I often feel that she is just acting it out just so she could get what she wants: me always being with her. Up until I was 32, she would still chaperon me when I go out with friends. I now work from home since 2006. It is the only option I saw so that she would stop picking me up from the office. I was 25 that time and I still felt like a kindergarten student being picked up by her mother after school. My father could not stop her as she would always leave home without him and my brother knowing it. With my father already dead and my brother alread y married, no one would look after her. As much as I want to leave home, I could not financially support paying for the mortgage of our house and renting another not to mention all of the expenses I need to pay. My brother barely sends financial help. Everyday is really a challenge for me, and I often feel like I could no longer hold it. I hope no one would be offended by my ranting. I just need to let it out and I feel that commenting here is a good way to do that. Thank you.

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      Vernon 4 years ago

      Hello, Daughter of Maat. This is one nice (although hurtful) article you have wrote, and I am sorry for the hard time you have been through. Actually, I have similar problem as most of you people here do and I would like to get some advises. So, may I ask if it is okay for me to email you, Daughter of Maat? Because I have quite many things I would like to ask you and talk about. And I don't want to spam this site with many unnecessary comments.

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      anaday 4 years ago from Ireland

      I saw your article on The #parenting Daily ( today. It is very enlightening. I never thought my analytical mind was due to having a controlling mother. I think controlling mothers lack empathy and that is why their children may dislike other people's emotions. We're not taught to be emphatic, which is crucial for being a good mother. I'm working on it. Thank you for your article.

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      Kate McBride 4 years ago from Donegal Ireland

      I can identify with a lot of what you said in this hub and in the comments too. The time has come for me as well to to stay away completely from a controlling "mother". I have tried it a few times before but I am more determined this time for the sake of my husband and children as well as for my own sake-none of us need the hassle. It is not an easy thing to do at first but it is worth it for the peace and contentment and it gets easier as time goes by. Those kinds of "mothers" are just taking complete advantage of their position-simple as that. Thank you for sharing your experience and best of luck to you and yours for the future.

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      FlourishAnyway 4 years ago from USA

      Sorry to hear all the things that you have been through. I am glad you have been able to rise above it and flourish anyway. Cheers to you and happy living ahead.

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      Mal 4 years ago

      I just found this page and read through the entire thing. It describes my life except for the running away-I STILL haven't broken free of my controlling mom (and my dad is compliant so no help there) at 26. I didn't realize that my mom was controlling until a couple of years ago, when I did something different with my hair (dreadlocks) and she freaked out, threw me out of the house and took away my car keys. She also said I was trying to act white (I'm black and thought she would be pleased that I was re-claiming my heritage) and that I wasn't going to 'shame her' with my ridiculous ideas. All my life my mom has been a perfectionist. Everything MUST be her way. If she introduced something to me, she expected me to excel at it, or else I was a failure and she would use my failure as a way to get back at me and tell me how my life was going to be ruined.

      Eventually I stopped taking risks and trying n ew things because I knew that it would just give her more ammo to throw at me when I said something she didn't like(or failed at the new thing, which happened more and more frequently as I got older). Even then she still blamed me for being 'spineless' and weak. Every day I hear how my life is going to be ruined because I never finished college. I'm told so often that I'll be lucky to work at McDonalds and will never get married because no one will want me that I've started to believe it's true.

      She always asks why I don't like myself, or why I hate myself. Simple conversations turn into hour long ranting sessions of why my life is the way it is and how much of an embarassment I am to her co-workers. She talks about my problems and says that 'You need to hear these things!' when I ask her to please stop. She says I am negative but does not realize that my negative self-image and self-loathing is brought on by her lack of acceptance of me. My mother is big on appearances. Everyone around her(social circles, etc) loves her, because she is charming and well-spoken, graceful and very beautiful. Everyone except for her immediate family likes her. She has alienated her parents (and they are in their 90's) her brother, and my uncles. These people know what she is truly like and they stay out of her way and never contradict her.

      I don't trust what anyone says to me and I have very terrible problems with men. I let them use me because I truly hate myself, I don't see myself being worth anything much. I have very serious self-esteem issues and depression which I am starting to think relate directly back to my mom. A common thing for her to say to me is "You act like you're retarded. When you do things like this that a five year old could easily manage, I really do think you ARE retarded. What's wrong with you?" If I'm washing dishes and bump against something, I risk an evil look and a yell for not being careful enough. She once told me that I was like her homeless brother and would end up just like him, and that she should have adopted a child from the streets and raised it instead of wasting her time and energy on me, her only child.

      What is sad is that I'm STILL trying to make my mother proud of me. I recently took a job that is a 2 hour trip (one way) away from my house, in a field that I have no interest in. It would require me to move to a city that I hate, that I don't feel comfortable in. It has one of the highest crime rates in the nation. It is a city that my mother REFUSES to live in, but she expects me to move there, work this job that is so far from ideal for me that it's ridiculous, and be happy there. I have no money saved up to move to this city, so I would be commuting 4 hours every day just to get to work and then coming home late to listen to her tell me my life is worthless. I took this job to please her(she convinced her best friend's daughter to hire me), but I know it's not going to work out. I have had a bad gut feeling, nightmares, anxiety and panic attacks after accepting the position and the thought of going in to work there makes me nauseous. I want to live and work in a smaller city where my ONE friend lives, where I know everyone, where there is a community and happiness and that is PERFECT for me. But I took it for her. Because SHE, my MOM thought it was a good idea and is very secure. Just like she did 20+ years ago.

      I love my mom so much, but her controlling attitude has I feared ruined my life. I feel that she is VERY unhappy and so projects her unhappiness onto me/lives vicariously through me. I don't bring friends over anymore because she scares them away. I just wish she would accept me and stop trying to control my life. I need to break free from her but i'm not even sure how. Something has to give, and soon. I don't want to divorce her permanently, but I may have to break free and take 6+months apart from my parents before I can even think about seeing them again.

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 4 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      Congrats on getting out of your house! I hope now you can find a bit of peace and try to heal from emotional pain your parents have inflicted. I wish you all the best.

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      melodyofthestrong 4 years ago

      Hello again!!! Well, I tried talking to my parents again... and oncw again I'm the evil child. I was yelled at and drilled by both of my parents. My mom called my whole family and told them what I was doing, in her own twisted reality. She coated her stories with lies and false assumptions. Now my family thinks even worse of me. The power to my roon was cut through the circuit board. No lights. No internet. No ceiling fan. They took away my cello and cancelled my dance lessons, which were my only places I could vent. My brother knows I'm right, too. He was once in the same situation, but he refuses to help. In fact, my mom buys him a galaxy s4. I locked myself in my room again because its the only place I can think. My father thinks this is a game. This isnt a game. This is my emotions on the matter. I said I would only come out of ny room for my grandmother, so they called her over and told her their polluted lies. I begged her to get me out of that place and I left with her. I am currently residing in my grandmothers house. She used to be a high school counselor, so she understands alot nore than my parents.

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 4 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      @mathira I agree. Dominating your child does nothing but instill them with negativity, which is typically directed at the parent. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 4 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      @Melody, I completely understand your situation, my mother was constantly screaming at me. The only difference is, my father and sister knew I wasn't making it up, and did provide some support, even if it was the wrong kind. What I did learn was how to accept the fact that until I was 18, I had no choice but to live by their rules. It was tough, no doubt. But you will get through it. I used to hide in my closet for most of the day when I wasn't in school. It was the quietest place in the house.Unfortunately, I couldn't barricade my door, that wasn't aloud. I felt like I was constantly being watched and I had no privacy, so I couldn't even make plans to move out on my own, unless I did it in my head.

      The car was definitely my turning point, and it is probably the major reason I have become so attached to my current vehicle. I felt like it was my key to freedom, and it was. To this day, the thought of losing my car terrifies me.

      Phoenix has excellent advice, and I wholeheartedly agree with her. You most likely will never win their approval, and you will have to come to terms with that. The sooner the better. Remember, ultimately this is your life, and you're the one that has to be happy with it. Like Phoenix said, crying is a good way to blow off steam, but it really isn't constructive. It won't help you get out of your current situation. Writing about it can help you come to terms with everything. But the most important thing is to explore yourself. And you can do this with thoughts alone, until you can get out. Think about your likes and dislikes, are they truly your own? Your beliefs, are they yours or your parents? I didn't realize my beliefs weren't truly my own until I was about 22.

      I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you are able to get out of your situation as soon as possible. Just please remember, it's your life, not theirs.

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      mathira 4 years ago from chennai

      Daughter of matt, when parents try to control and dominate, the results will be negative. It is always advisable to be a friendly parent to your children as it will make them love you more and more.Thanks for sharing your experience.

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      Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi, Melody. I'm glad I could be of help. I'm sorry your best friend is

      moving away. It's going to be tough for awhile so brace yourself. Even if you can't see your friend, with all the technology around, there must be some way you two can connect. Find it.

      I know you may not think so, but your relatives have given you some sound advice. You do need to change your attitude. You need to go from passive to active. Instead of trying to win your family to your side (I don't think you ever will. Sorry.) just leave them to it and focus on your own life. Spoil yourself.

      You want to learn how to drive? Look into it. Find out what you need to do to make it happen. You're best friend is leaving? Start strengthening your support system. Is there anyone else you can confide in?

      Crying is a good way to blow off pent up emotions but it's not very

      constructive. You've been give the gift of music. You can use that to

      express yourself. You're on HP now. Why not write about what your feeling? You can write a poem, a short story or an article. You decide.

      I'm going to leave you to think things over now. I hope you feel better soon.

      BTW, I like your name. Never forget, your tougher than you think.

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      melodyofthestrong 4 years ago

      Thank you, Pheonix. Your advice and encouragement really means alot to me! Just once. I just wanted them to listen one time. But still, I only get yelled at in the end and cry in the corner. My bestfriend, who helps me get through this is moving away in a week... they won't let me see her. Now my mother has brought my family together ahainst me. No one believes me. Not my dad, brother, sister, aunt, or grandma. Everyone is telling me I need to change my attitude. They also add how it will always be a losing situation for me. All I want to do is just be a kid for once. I just want to be spoiledfor one day. I want to prove myself, too. I want to go to college so badly. I yearn for the day I can drive abd get out of this place, but for now I guess I have no choice... thanks for you insightful wisdom!

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      Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi Melody. I can relate to what your going through. Been there myself. I was a straight A student as well, apart from Math. My mother felt I must have been stupid for only getting Cs and she treated me that way. She made all the decisions for me and if I tried explain why I didn't agree with her she would shout at me and tell me not to talk back to her. I too felt that I was never good enough, so I stopped trying. I let my grades drop and spent most of my time in my room, away from her.

      I know this is a difficult time for you and I do feel for you. But you've gotta hang on. It won't last forever. Do you plan on going to college? If so, keep working towards that. You'll find a whole new world then and plenty of opportunities to break free, make your own decisions and mistakes (yes, there will be mistakes along the way. It's how you learn.)

      If college is not an option, you could start planning how to get a place of your own. That will involve getting a job and sorting out a budget. Whatever you decide, don't become so focused on getting away that you completely forget about what you're going to do when you finally do. I made that mistake and spent the better part of my 20s wandering around not knowing what to do with myself.

      Wishing you blessings. Stay strong, Melody.

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      melody 4 years ago

      Hey.. I am currently a teenager in this kind of situation... my mother is very controlling and likes to exercise her power over me... I hate it. Without reason she refuses to let me do things I want to do. Also, she believes in no rewards because I shouldn't work for something in return. Yet, she believes in punishment. She acts on emotional and yells at me and tscreams when I tryto talk to her and tell her whats on my mind. I think logically like my father.. but because im a girl i get caught up in emotion as well.. my dad always takes my mothers side. It sickens me. I try my best to explain what i feel but no one wants to listen. Its as if i will never be right. Im an all a student. Im the first chair in my music.. but nothing ia good enough she spoints out my flaws wverytime im alone with her. Everyone in my family thinks im the devil and shes this innocent little angel. Im tired of it. I lock myself in my room and barricade the door. I refuse to eat or see them. I cant take it! Not to mention. She wont let me have money. But she spends it like crazy. She favors my older brother and idolizes him. I want to get away soo bad. I feel like a bird in a cage. But i have no car and im not considered an adult yet... k

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 4 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      @heather I can only speak for myself, but I don't completely ignore my emotions, and I don't hate all of them. I think they are an important part of being human, but I also believe they are a major reason for a lot of the violence and hatred in our society. The fact that my mother was overbearingly emotional only exacerbates my belief. I don't think this is a stage, I've felt this way for at least 20 years, and I have to admit I am a misanthrope. The only emotion I truly embrace is the love I have for my husband, my daughter and my pets. But I despise how that love made me feel when I lost my dog, and I despise the thought of how I'll feel if I lose my husband or daughter. Emotion is a double edged sword and like a real sword, I try to avoid it whenever possible.

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      Melissa Flagg OSC 4 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      Thank you Phoenix, I'll have to check it out!!

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      Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi, DOM.

      Hope you don't mind, but I thought you might find this hub interesting: