Ebonny writes to share her thoughts, observations and opinions in the hope they may be of interest, or give pause for thought, to others.
Forgiving Your Ex-Partner and Putting an End to Bitterness
If the father or mother of your children has treated you unspeakably, cheated or abused you, left you brokenhearted, humiliated, destitute, homeless or more, forgiveness may be the furthest thing from your mind.
When there is severe, ongoing conflict, some parents understandably assume that by pardoning the partner they are letting their partner off the hook, or condoning what their partner did. They may not realise that pardoning someone does not entail that they allow the other person to continue to mistreat or disrespect them. They may not realise that the act of forgiveness allows a person to take back their power, and gain peace of mind and freedom to move on to a more positive and happy family life.
You Don't Have to Make an Announcement Should You Choose to Forgive
There's no need to announce to all and sundry that you have chosen to pardon your ex. Some will likely call you mad to have done so whereas others may view you as some kind of weird saint! Neither of these descriptions is going to make any great desirable or positive difference in your life. When you let go, you do it for you/your kids and you have the choice to keep this decision a private matter should you deem this makes life less complicated for you going forward.
A Bitter, Revengeful, Spiteful, Hurting or Depressed Parent Is Not Ideal for Any Child
Forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily depend on whether or not the person deserves to be excused for what they have done. Pardoning need not be dependent upon the other person admitting their wrongdoing or actually asking for to be let off the hook so to speak. Indeed they may even gloat about how they have done you wrong but you can and should still consider absolving them. Even if you have been giving one another the silent treatment and you intensely dislike the other person, forgiveness is possible and indeed advisable.
Depending on all the circumstances of the break up you may elect to announce your forgiveness to your ex but don't assume they will be grateful or treat you any differently in the short term, or even the long term. Again, rest assured it’s okay if a parent does not verbalise the forgiveness to their former partner. Neither do you have to tell friends or family, unless you want to for some reason. Sometimes people choose not to inform those closest to them because they know that those who have seen the hurt and emotional pain may not fully understand why you have made the decision to excuse your ex. Well meaning supporters may even put up obstacles or mete out scalding admonishments which can make the pardoning process so much harder.
Pardoning a person who has done wrong doesn’t change the past, but the person doing the forgiving can free them self from being completely eaten up and preoccupied with negativity or vengeance. A parent who has "let go" can start to move on positively from the hurt rather than have the other parent effectively control their emotional state by keeping them angry, needy or resentful.
Be very clear that forgiveness is primarily something you do for yourself, rather than for the other person. A separated or divorced parent who can absolve their ex-partner and get to a place where he or she can more readily co-parent with their ex, and respect their children's need to have a relationship with their ex as necessary, is well placed to raise happier children and to be happier in themselves too.
The Challenge and the Benefits
Forgiving someone is especially hard when you don’t know or don’t understand why the person acted as they did.
In the news occasionally there are reports of parents forgiving evil murderers and rapists who have attacked their defenceless small children. Often it’s difficult to fathom how people go about pardoning someone who has hurt them so deeply and irreversably. I may not personally think these people deserve it, but I do believe the parents of the children when they say that letting go of bitterness helps them (the parents) to help themselves. I do believe them when they say how they feel so much better for it and that the absolution is not necessarily for the benefit of the person who has hurt their child.
Pardoning someone can help release feelings such as rage, anxiety, insecurity, fear, depression, frustration, vengeance and is conducive to accepting and adjusting to changed circumstances and inching forward.
The process of forgiveness is a choice and it can be a huge challenge but if I thought I deserved to have peace of mind I would be wise to try to somehow find a way of truly pardoning - whether the person deserved absolution or not - remembering that my pardoning them does not mean they were justified to do what they had done. Importantly, pardoning the seemingly unpardonable does not mean I would allow myself to be further abused, disrespected or wronged.
The potential benefits for the children and the family as a whole are a great incentive to seriously consider forgiveness.
The Bottom Line Is: Do You and Your Children Deserve to Be Happy?
The more you dislike or hate your ex-partner, then the more benefit you stand to gain from absolving them. Of course you cannot simply or instantly dismiss your own pain or summarily wipe your memory clean. In fact it's important to acknowledge this pain, as over time this allows for coming to terms with what has gone before and clarity to then work on letting go and forgiving your ex. Again, seriously consider all this because, YES, your children do indeed deserve to have a happier and more contended parent so that they in turn can be happier and contented.
Lastly, don’t omit to reflect on your own past behaviour and/or any shortcomings and forgive yourself as well, as necessary. It's also important to absolve yourself for any mistakes you feel may have made along the lines of not terminating the relationship sooner, or not recognising what was happening sooner or plainly behaving badly.
Should you find on reflection that you yourself have acted in a manner which you now regret, you may or may not choose to own this to the other parent. However, do not take offense if your ex chooses not to forgive you, else you could end up back at square one. Chalk it down to experience, learn from it and move forward positively.
In cases of physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse, especially if involving a child, professional advice should be taken.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2012 Ebonny
Elen on June 07, 2020:
I have decided to forgive ex and build my life from new beginning, including child support.
15 years after - I am struggling financially to support my child alone, my child does not have any possibility of going to a good college and I feel helpless.
Ex lives in a huge house and enjoys good job and respect, does not feel any regrets, any is not sorry at all for what he did. He explains, that the best part of this - that he has managed to punish me for filing restrainig order, leaving him and not taking his physical abuse.
I suggest that you fight for your interest and defend interests of your children, including child support.
It is difficult, but on the long run there is a good chance, that your daughter will live in a better world, and will not be in situation, when she would need to deal with domestic violence and unpaid child support.
Bitter on November 07, 2018:
I Will Never Forgive MY Ex Wife
Ebonny (author) from UK on May 10, 2018:
Maybe looking at it this way might help somewhat. After all you have been through surely you deserve some peace and happiness. So try to let go forgive him for your own sake and for your children's sake. It's easier said than done but worth it as it means you'll take control of your emotions, rather than the person who hurt you controlling you.
Best regards, Ebonny
Kirsty on May 07, 2018:
My question is how....how do you get to a place to forgive. I still take everything my ex did personally, and I struggle with his 'new' life that doesn't involve our children. I actually hate him & the choices he made when together, but I don't want to be one of those mum's who isn't nice about my boys dad to them....but seems l just want my hate to come through and I don't know how to stop.
Ebonny (author) from UK on February 27, 2018:
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts around this topic.
It's understandable that someone who was cheated on may ponder letting their child learn the reasons for the difficulties in the parent's relationship - and to know both sides of the story - but ideally without the burden of the child feeling they have to takes side. Of course, the age and maturity of the child would need to be taken into consideration. Down the line, I too hope that negative chains are broken. Best regards, Ebonny
Kev on February 26, 2018:
I'll never forgive and my hope is that my daughter learns from this and doesn't turn out like her mother and grandmother. That would be the best outcome. Break the chain of a cheating family history!
Ebonny (author) from UK on January 26, 2013:
Hi Midget 38 - I appreciate your thoughts on the benefits of forgiveness and thank you for your comment and sharing.
Michelle Liew from Singapore on January 26, 2013:
Thanks, Ebonny, for this useful hub. The idea of forgiveness is extensive...in everything that we do, we benefit from it as it frees us and allows us to move on. Thanks for this great write, which I share.
Ebonny (author) from UK on January 14, 2013:
It is so very sad when you encounter a child hurting as a result of parental conflict. Many thanks to you for reading and commenting about the respect aspect of this issue. Ebonny
Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on January 12, 2013:
Thanks for this very valuable hub, Ebonny. Every child wants to respect both parents; let not either parent rob the child of this benefit. Your counsel on forgiveness is valid. Voted Up and Useful.
Ebonny (author) from UK on November 28, 2012:
You would have every right to be upset and not want to talk to them. But if upset, not communicating and/or bitterness were overshadowing your life then I believe you would be doing YOURSELF a huge disservice not to forgive. Of course, it's a whole heap easier said than done but, hopefully, the knowledge that forgivness is for the benefit of the forgiveR and not the person who did wrong might encourage someone to seriously consider forgiving.
Many thanks for sharing your thoughts on all this.
sandy on November 27, 2012:
damn honesty i don't think i would be capable of forgiving someone i truly loved if they did me wrong..i actually would be really upset and wouldn't want to talk to them. even though they meant everything to me and my son well our son. in which i have never done anything or would do anything to ruin our relationship but of course he sure did. love stinks!!!
Ebonny (author) from UK on November 09, 2012:
Hello Au Fait – thank you for pointing out the health benefits for the forgiver – an important bonus. I so appreciate your feedback and sharing.
C E Clark from North Texas on November 08, 2012:
Forgiveness is for the forgiver more than for the forgiven. Letting go of the hurt and the anger and moving forward does so much for the person who forgives in so many ways. Improves the immune system's ability to work as it should, gives a person a much better attitude, outlook, and disposition. Frees a person of from the burden of holding grudges, and they are a burden. Makes life so much better for the forgiver and their children if they have any.
I know this hub is about forgiving for the sake of the children and that is important, and the children will benefit from their parents forgiving and putting unfortunate history behind them generally in every case.
Excellent subject matter and important issues. Glad to see you are shedding light on it. Voted up and useful -- and I think your drawings are awesome too! Will share with my followers.
Ebonny (author) from UK on November 08, 2012:
Hello Nell - I agree it's very hard for a person to force themselves to stand back and take stock when "drowning" and overwhelmed with complex negative feelings. Hopefully, being conscious that forgiveness will help the children might hasten a hurting parent to forgive that bit more readily.
Your comments and compliment on drawings are really appreciated.
Nell Rose from England on November 08, 2012:
Really great advice, I totally agree that forgiving or at least in front of the children forgiving is so much better all round. I think the problem is when we are in the middle of such strong emotions we forget that sooner or later it will resolve itself, if we can just stand back and see the bigger picture then it will be fine, I just wanted to add I love your drawings too!