Job Description for the Stay-At-Home Mom
Welcome to Stay At Home Mom, Inc.
Congratulations on your position of Stay At Home Mom! We promise you that this will be a rewarding experience for you, and hope to see you learn and grow along with your children. Below is a detailed list of your job description, as well as information concerning your benefits and salary.
- Must be available to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, nights, weekends, holidays, snow days, sick days, happy days, angry days, moody days.
- Must be prompt and responsive when a scream or cry erupts at 3 am (or another ungodly hour).
- Must also be prepared at that ungodly hour to tend to one or more of the following: poop, pee, vomit, snot, bad dreams, crampy leg, belly ache, or other ailment not listed.
Specific Duties Related to Children
- Must be sure the children are clothed appropriately for the day. Pajamas are allowed only when staying home. Clothes do not need to be ironed, but should be free of massive holes, mystery stains, and horrid smells. Shoes should be clean enough to where you can actually see the designs and original colors (sort of).
- Transportation to and from said destination. Said destination can be school, grandmas, the playground, the Child Detention Center, or other area not listed. Arrival to said destination must be on time. Pick up at the destination should be approximately 5-7 minutes early since your oldest child is likely to throw a hernia.
- Must tend to specific illnesses of children with or without preparation. These specific illnesses include, but are not limited to: projectile vomiting, non-projectile vomiting, puffy runny eyes, massive, lung rejection coughing, green, yellow, or other colored emissions from the nose, diarrhea or other stool that exits the underwear area, mystery rashes on any area of the body, and other illness not specified here.
- Must act appropriately with the inconveniences that arise without notification, including, but not limited to: wet, muddy clothing 5 minutes before heading out to dinner, pee-drenched stuffed animals (from your youngest child stuffing them in his pull up at night), changing of the clothes more than 3 times in a 24 hour period, and other inconveniences not listed here.
- Food for the children should be ready and available at the first request of your oldest child. Meals must be served at least 3 times a day, with snacks at least twice. Food should contain items that will not induce a sugar coma or activate severe behavioral meltdowns. These foods include, but are not limited to: cookies, colored candy, cupcakes, juices, and other unhealthy items not listed here.
- Offer forgiveness when a favorite plant is knocked over because they "had to play monsters."
- Be responsive when physical fighting occurs by throwing yourself in the middle and taking on the bruises.
- Be less responsive when they begin arguing over who gets to play with spiderman. Allow them to problem solve on their own.
Specific Duties Related to the House
- Tend to approximately 1 load of laundry each day. Can combine loads over a 2-3 day period if preferred.
- Vacuum at least 3 times a week, more if pets roam the area. Vacuuming must be done more in high traffic areas, such as the kitchen and living room. Large items, such as dropped cereal and matchbox cars cannot (and should not be vacuumed), instead, physically disposing of these items by hand is preferred.
- Maintain cleanliness of all bathrooms in the house. This includes, but is not limited to: overstained toilets due to the fact that there are preschool boys in the home. All stains must be wiped efficiently, and rancid smells must be deodorized in whatever means you feel is necessary. Sinks should be free of excessive toothpaste droppings. Tubs should be made accessible to the adult(s) by removing all toys, buckets, measuring cups, wash rags, mini cars, and spongebob characters from the area.
- No more than 5 dishes should be in the kitchen sink. When more than 5 dishes accumulate, prompt washing by hand is expected. Sinks should not contain any extra debris such as leftover macaroni or last night's Rice Delight.
Specific Duties Related to the Spouse
- Must greet spouse within the first 5 minutes upon arriving home from work, unless you want to be accused of having mood swings.
- Must muster up enough energy to carry on a decent conversation.
- Must be willing to give up some power of your parenting skills, and allow your spouse to help you when needed, even if he does it wrong.
Specific Duties Related to Household Pets
- Must care for pets as if they are the secondary children of the house, by providing them with bedding, warmth, love, food and water.
- Be willing to clean up any sudden bathroom accidents that occur when you are not looking.
- Offer forgiveness when a favorite toy or shoe is torn to pieces.
- Should provide plenty of outside time in the event they begin to grate on your nerves.
- Be willing to allow them to chew on a mystery "food" outside, even if they vomit it up later. It is not worth having your fingers bitten off.
Specific Duties Related to Yourself
- Attempt to brush hair at least 5 times a week
- Must shower at least every other day; if not, it is imperative that deodorant be applied multiple times daily
- Be willing to extract yourself from the sweatpants and wear jeans at least 2 days a week
- Force yourself to stretch and do yoga like activities at least 2 days out of the week, even if you have a slobbery dog (or child) staring at you.
- When your kids eat, be sure to eat too. You need your energy to succeed at this job!
Holidays, Sick Leave, Vacation
- None, none, and none (unless you have a nice grandma who can spare a few hours a week!)
- Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! (Unless you count the coins that drop out of the dryer after a load of laundry!)
- Healthy, mostly happy kids
- Confidence that your kids are being raised well
- A solid foundation for early childhood learning
- A sense of peace when the children actually listen to you
- Lots of love
- Plenty of clean clothes
- The knowledge that YOU are the head of household (for real)
- Having a schedule that you can dictate
- Lots of love (I said that one already, but it is worth writing it twice!)