Welcome to Stay At Home Mom, Inc.
Congratulations on your position of Stay At Home Mom! We promise you that this will be a rewarding experience for you, and hope to see you learn and grow along with your children. Below is a detailed list of your job description, as well as information concerning your benefits and salary.
- Must be available to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, nights, weekends, holidays, snow days, sick days, happy days, angry days, moody days.
- Must be prompt and responsive when a scream or cry erupts at 3 am (or another ungodly hour).
- Must also be prepared at that ungodly hour to tend to one or more of the following: poop, pee, vomit, snot, bad dreams, crampy leg, belly ache, or other ailment not listed.
Specific Duties Related to Children
- Must be sure the children are clothed appropriately for the day. Pajamas are allowed only when staying home. Clothes do not need to be ironed, but should be free of massive holes, mystery stains, and horrid smells. Shoes should be clean enough to where you can actually see the designs and original colors (sort of).
- Transportation to and from said destination. Said destination can be school, grandmas, the playground, the Child Detention Center, or other area not listed. Arrival to said destination must be on time. Pick up at the destination should be approximately 5-7 minutes early since your oldest child is likely to throw a hernia.
- Must tend to specific illnesses of children with or without preparation. These specific illnesses include, but are not limited to: projectile vomiting, non-projectile vomiting, puffy runny eyes, massive, lung rejection coughing, green, yellow, or other colored emissions from the nose, diarrhea or other stool that exits the underwear area, mystery rashes on any area of the body, and other illness not specified here.
- Must act appropriately with the inconveniences that arise without notification, including, but not limited to: wet, muddy clothing 5 minutes before heading out to dinner, pee-drenched stuffed animals (from your youngest child stuffing them in his pull up at night), changing of the clothes more than 3 times in a 24 hour period, and other inconveniences not listed here.
- Food for the children should be ready and available at the first request of your oldest child. Meals must be served at least 3 times a day, with snacks at least twice. Food should contain items that will not induce a sugar coma or activate severe behavioral meltdowns. These foods include, but are not limited to: cookies, colored candy, cupcakes, juices, and other unhealthy items not listed here.
- Offer forgiveness when a favorite plant is knocked over because they "had to play monsters."
- Be responsive when physical fighting occurs by throwing yourself in the middle and taking on the bruises.
- Be less responsive when they begin arguing over who gets to play with spiderman. Allow them to problem solve on their own.
Specific Duties Related to the House
- Tend to approximately 1 load of laundry each day. Can combine loads over a 2-3 day period if preferred.
- Vacuum at least 3 times a week, more if pets roam the area. Vacuuming must be done more in high traffic areas, such as the kitchen and living room. Large items, such as dropped cereal and matchbox cars cannot (and should not be vacuumed), instead, physically disposing of these items by hand is preferred.
- Maintain cleanliness of all bathrooms in the house. This includes, but is not limited to: overstained toilets due to the fact that there are preschool boys in the home. All stains must be wiped efficiently, and rancid smells must be deodorized in whatever means you feel is necessary. Sinks should be free of excessive toothpaste droppings. Tubs should be made accessible to the adult(s) by removing all toys, buckets, measuring cups, wash rags, mini cars, and spongebob characters from the area.
- No more than 5 dishes should be in the kitchen sink. When more than 5 dishes accumulate, prompt washing by hand is expected. Sinks should not contain any extra debris such as leftover macaroni or last night's Rice Delight.
Specific Duties Related to the Spouse
- Must greet spouse within the first 5 minutes upon arriving home from work, unless you want to be accused of having mood swings.
- Must muster up enough energy to carry on a decent conversation.
- Must be willing to give up some power of your parenting skills, and allow your spouse to help you when needed, even if he does it wrong.
Specific Duties Related to Household Pets
- Must care for pets as if they are the secondary children of the house, by providing them with bedding, warmth, love, food and water.
- Be willing to clean up any sudden bathroom accidents that occur when you are not looking.
- Offer forgiveness when a favorite toy or shoe is torn to pieces.
- Should provide plenty of outside time in the event they begin to grate on your nerves.
- Be willing to allow them to chew on a mystery "food" outside, even if they vomit it up later. It is not worth having your fingers bitten off.
Specific Duties Related to Yourself
- Attempt to brush hair at least 5 times a week
- Must shower at least every other day; if not, it is imperative that deodorant be applied multiple times daily
- Be willing to extract yourself from the sweatpants and wear jeans at least 2 days a week
- Force yourself to stretch and do yoga like activities at least 2 days out of the week, even if you have a slobbery dog (or child) staring at you.
- When your kids eat, be sure to eat too. You need your energy to succeed at this job!
Holidays, Sick Leave, Vacation
- None, none, and none (unless you have a nice grandma who can spare a few hours a week!)
- Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! (Unless you count the coins that drop out of the dryer after a load of laundry!)
- Healthy, mostly happy kids
- Confidence that your kids are being raised well
- A solid foundation for early childhood learning
- A sense of peace when the children actually listen to you
- Lots of love
- Plenty of clean clothes
- The knowledge that YOU are the head of household (for real)
- Having a schedule that you can dictate
- Lots of love (I said that one already, but it is worth writing it twice!)
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Jenn on October 14, 2018:
I've felt like my life is spinning out of control with all we've got going on and so I am sitting her making a list of all my daily and weekly tasks and pulled this up. It couldn't have been more perfect to describe life right now! Thank you!
Renee on June 27, 2018:
Perfect response! Whether you work full-time or stay at home full-time or are a single parent of four that works full-time, part-time, and goes to graduate school like myself, you're ALWAYS a mom responsible for doing all the mom stuff. Keeping your home spotless. Check. Scheduling, attending and following up on all appointments, check. Preparing all meals, laundry, baths, bill payments, pet care, caring for sick children, resolving disputes from children. Check to all of the above. Play dates, school events, scout meetings, sleepovers. Check. Working doesn't reduce or negate ones' responsibilities as a parent nor does it shift those responsibilities to another party. A mom is a mom and our kids will be healthy and happy individuals so long as we provide them with what they need, show them unconditional love, and cherish our time with them. SAHM parenting is a luxury and q privilege not a job.
vandynegl (author) from Ohio Valley on August 17, 2014:
This hub is intended to be humorous for those women who go through stay-at-home-mom adventures. I also work to make ends meet, as does my husband. And I know many other working moms who have very happy and smart children. I've been on both sides: stay at home and working, and there are advantages and disadvantages to both. One doesn't make you more of a mom or not.
Sara on August 15, 2014:
I'm so glad I get to go to work so someone else can feed, dress, comfort, nurture and mother my kids. And while I'm gone a magic fairy comes and cleans my house and cooks my meals an grocery shops! It's amazing! I never have to deal with dirty diapers, dirty kids, dirty clothes, dirty dishes, dirty house or dirt at all. I don't have to be around my kid when they are sick or change dirty sheets in the middle of the night ever! My children will obviously be unhealthy, unhappy and uneducated because I have to work to make ends meet. On my vacation I am still a mother. On my days off? Yep just checked, still a mom. Sick days? Still have to take care of the kids.
vandynegl (author) from Ohio Valley on November 15, 2013:
It's nice to know you're not alone, right? :)
Dee on November 15, 2013:
my life. Well laid out.
vandynegl (author) from Ohio Valley on May 28, 2013:
Thank you Toytasting! I am glad you enjoyed it! It was fun to write! The sad thing is.....like you said, it is all so true!
Toy Tasting from Mumbai on May 27, 2013:
This is such a well written hub. All of this is so true. I like the way you have added humor in your writing. Thanks for sharing this. It was fun to read.
vandynegl (author) from Ohio Valley on May 27, 2013:
Thank you healthmom! Glad you enjoyed it!!
healthmom on May 27, 2013:
Love it:) Voted up and shared!
vandynegl (author) from Ohio Valley on April 09, 2013:
Thanks CrisSp! Sounds like you have a lot of years behind you with raising children! I know that working outside of the home and staying at home are both equally challenging when it comes to raising the kids (I've now done both!). Thank you for sharing!
CrisSp from Sky Is The Limit Adventure on April 09, 2013:
These are all so true. Well done! Great lay out. Like the fact that you also have included here duties/responsibilities to spouse and pets. That's cool!
I was never a stay-at-home mom but I graduated and passed being a mom. Well, actually I'm still a mom and as you said in here, it's a 24/7 duties and responsibilities, no holidays, no days off. I'll be a mom forever and I love it.
Married for 24 years (turning 25th this summer), the kids were certainly raised with lots of love. Now, they are practically on their own and I'm proud to be their mom.
I enjoyed your hub. Thanks.