Anamika S. Jain has been a social media consultant for six years. She has written more than 200 articles on relationships and dating.
Are You a Bad Parent to Your Child?
We have all heard that bad kids come from bad parents, and there are several ways to be a bad parent. Parents are a child's first teacher in life. A child's attitude, views, goals, and perspective depend on what they learn from their parents. A child's demeanor is also a reflection of how they've been treated by their parents. What a child learns or experiences in their early years is known to leave a lasting impression on them. This is why good parenting is an absolute necessity.
Whenever a child makes a mistake or displays bad manners, the blame is mostly put on the parents because they are responsible for teaching their children how to behave. When a child's bad behavior or emotional state are linked to their parents' actions, it is natural to wonder if the parents made a mistake or if they are simply bad parents.
It's clear that bad parenting is damaging for children, but how do you determine whether or not someone is a bad parent? Can good kids survive bad parenting? What are the signs of bad parenting? And how can you be a better parent?
The 8 Signs of Bad Parenting
- Avoiding and Neglecting Your Child
- Physical or Verbal Abuse
- Setting a Bad Example
- Favoritism or Partiality
- Oppressive, Overbearing Authoritarianism
- Irresponsible Financial Behavior
- Too Much Pampering or Interfering
- Not Trusting the Child
Each of these issues will be described in-depth below.
1. Avoiding and Neglecting Your Child
Neglecting your child physically or emotionally can affect him or her in an extremely negative way. Neglect is a very common type of child abuse, and it can be as harmful as physical abuse. Ignoring the needs of children, leaving them unsupervised or in dangerous situations, or making a child feel worthless can cause low self-esteem and lead to isolation. Neglect can also affect the mental health or social development of a child, and it may even cause life-long psychological scars.
Neglect can negatively affect a child's cognition, emotions, behavior, motor development, language development, and overall ability to function. According to The Lasting Impact of Neglect by Kiersten Wier, neglect can lead to a long list of problems including low self-esteem, social withdrawal, poor impulse control, stealing, problems coping with or regulating emotions, and pathological behaviors like tics, tantrums, and self-harm. Neglect can also affect intellectual functioning and academic achievement. Those who don’t get the attention they need in childhood may have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships later in life.
Solution: A child needs to feel loved and cherished. Pay attention to your children and prioritize their well-being. Make time to talk to your kids and bond with them. Make it clear to your kids that you love them and appreciate them.
2. Physical or Verbal Abuse
Exposing a child to physical violence or verbal abuse can be very damaging to his or her well-being. Many parents vent their frustrations at their children without realizing what sort of psychological damage they are inflicting. Even one spanking or slur can affect a child for years. These forms of abuse can cause the child to lose confidence and develop an inferiority complex.
According to the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, verbal and physical abuse can cause lifelong psychological, physical, behavioral, and economic problems. Victims will also most likely struggle with poor physical and mental health as a result. Aside from observable signs of physical damage, the effects of verbal and physical abuse might manifest as depression, anxiety, or high-risk behaviors such as casual sex, self-harm, crime, chemical dependency, and other unhealthy, dangerous behaviors. Some abused children may develop eating disorders, struggle with sleep issues, become hostile, apathetic, or lethargic, and develop attention deficit disorders.
Punishment might be required when a child does something wrong, but when they are extensively punished for small matters, it may backfire. A child requires positive physical contact with their parent in the form of hugs, kisses, and other signs of affection. If you yell at your child, call him or her names, use corporal punishment, or say that he or she is no good, the damage can be permanent.
Solution: Avoid using spanking or insults as a form of punishment. Time-outs, losing privileges (like watching television, playing video games, or attending social events), receiving extra chores, or getting an earlier bedtime are good ways to punish children without inflicting harm upon them. If your methods are ineffective, consult a therapist or mental health professional. Therapists can help families improve their communication skills and they can help parents find better ways to interact with kids.
Remember: You are not managing an inconvenience. You are raising a human being.
— Kittie Frantz
3. Setting a Bad Example
There are many parents who do nothing to discourage bad behavior or manners in their kids, and these kinds of parents usually turn a blind eye to their kids' problematic behavior. As the saying goes, what you sow is what you reap. If you are someone who shouts or uses bad words in front of children, then it is only natural that they will take after you. That may be why the children of smokers, drinkers, or drug users are more likely to start experimenting with substances at a young age. Their parents are in no position to stop their kids from developing these bad habits. It would be hypocritical to forbid an activity that they have modeled for their own children. Children will often emulate what they observe in their homes. If parents use drugs or other harmful substances, then children may eventually do the same.
Solution: Try to develop good habits for yourself. Your kids will observe how you treat yourself and they will learn from what they see. Stress the importance of wellness to your children so they will be less likely to adopt unhealthy or harmful habits.
4. Favoritism or Partiality
It can be very damaging when a parent makes it clear that they prefer one child over another, and children are more likely to exhibit depression later in life as a result. You might think that the preferred child would benefit from all the positive attention, but that's not what happens. Dr. Karl Pillemer says, “It doesn’t matter whether you’re the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings.”
In many households, boys get preferential treatment, which makes girls feel inferior or neglected. With regard to education, social opportunities, or other essential necessities, girls often get fewer opportunities than boys, and this bias typically begins in their own homes. Many parents also have the habit of complaining about their own children. They may grumble or complain about their child in front of other kids rather than communicate and parent responsibly. Parents who are overly critical, unfair, or biased end up damaging their children with their behavior.
Solution: Even if you have a stronger bond with one child or prefer their company and personality over the other children, try not to show that you have a favorite. Take time to appreciate each of your children for who they are as individuals, and spend one-on-one time with each child to improve your bond with all of them.
5. Oppressive, Overbearing Authoritarianism
It is true that a parent usually knows what is best for his or her child, but some parents force their choices onto their children without considering their interests, intelligence level, or capabilities. Many parents are very controlling, and they try to project their own unfulfilled dreams and ambitions onto their children.
An authoritarian parent is one who demands constant obedience and uses threats, shame, and other punishments to enforce good behavior. Research suggests that these types of oppressive tactics are toxic for kids. When a child cannot live up to the expectations of the parent, it can be very demotivating and disappointing for everyone. A child requires encouragement and motivation, but forcing them to be something that goes against their own nature can affect them adversely.
Solution: Give your kids the space and encouragement they need to be themselves. Allow them to explore their own interests and try not to force them to do unreasonable things. Take an interest in their hobbies and share your own with your kids without pressuring them to do exactly what you would do.
6. Irresponsible Financial Attitude
Many parents are not very wise with money and don't model healthy financial responsibility to their children. While some parents cater to a child's every whim and fancy, others are excessively stingy. Some continuously over-spend and live beyond their means, while others keep finances a secret and pretend like money doesn't matter.
Privileged or spoiled children may fail to realize the real value of money, and they may develop bad habits as a result. Studies have shown that by age 7, most children have already formed the money habits they will carry into adulthood, so it's important to teach kids about money while they are young.
Solution: Model good financial behavior to your children and talk to them about money. Explain to your children that they must earn their money, and talk about how they can receive an allowance in exchange for doing chores around the house. Help your kids save and spend wisely. It may be beneficial to set up a savings account for your kids so they can save some of their allowance and learn to budget what they have.
Where parents do too much for their children, the children will not do much for themselves.
— Elbert Hubbard
7. Too Much Pampering or Interfering
Too much pampering or involvement is the opposite of neglect and it can spoil a child by making them too demanding and dependent. Many parents over-protect their children and interfere in their activities to such an extent that when they grow up, they are incapable of taking care of themselves and they become anxious, incompetent, and incapable of making decisions.
Solution: Let your children learn to solve problems on their own. Determine whether or not a problem is serious enough to warrant your interference or if it is something that your child can handle on their own. Allow your kids to fail or be disappointed without coming to their rescue every single time. Kids will become capable and self-sufficient when they are given the opportunity to do things for themselves. If they don't succeed in some manner, let them know that they can learn from every experience no matter what the outcome.
8. Not Trusting the Child
Many parents believe others more than they believe their own children. Sometimes, they do not even allow their child to offer an explanation before they form their opinions. Many have no faith in their children and demotivate them with their words or actions. This sort of behavior can cause a child to rebel or do things they are not supposed to do.
Solution: Establish trust between yourself and your children. Let them know that they can always talk to you about what's going on in their lives or their feelings. Show your kids that you trust them too. When kids trust their parents they are more likely to be open about what's going on in their lives. Showing that you trust your child may help them act with more integrity and honesty when they interact with their parents or others.
Quiz: What Would a Bad Parent Do? Which of These Scenarios Are Examples of Bad Parenting?
For each question, choose the best answer. The answer key is below.
- Sometimes, when my child tells me s/he's scared or sad or needs a hug...
- I stop what I'm doing and take a moment to find out what's wrong.
- I laugh or get annoyed. When s/he acts like a baby, I just can't take it seriously.
- I might swear, "party" with alcohol or drugs, or argue loudly with my significant other in front of my kid.
- I've done this on many occasions.
- I prefer to keep some things private.
- I lose control and end up swatting, grabbing, or shaking my kid.
- I may have wanted to do this at some point, but I controlled myself.
- This happens often. I'm just so stressed out, and my kid needs to learn a lesson.
- I think one of my kids turned out better than the other.
- I like one kid better, and they both know it.
- My kids are different, but no one is better, and I try to love them equally.
- I think my kids should always ask for permission before they do anything.
- I always demand respect and obedience.
- I trust them to make their own decisions and give them opportunity to practice doing so.
- In terms of money...
- I prefer to have a little saved up in case of emergency.
- I often overspend on something we don't need and end up without the funds to pay the bills at the end of the month.
- When my kids grow up...
- They will never be responsible enough to do everything for themselves. They can't manage without me.
- They will have learned many lessons about how to be responsible adults.
- If my kid cries long enough or causes a scene...
- I'll probably buy him/her that candy or toy.
- I don't buy my kid everything s/he wants. If I say "no", I usually stick to it.
- I laugh or get annoyed. When s/he acts like a baby, I just can't take it seriously.
- I've done this on many occasions.
- This happens often. I'm just so stressed out, and my kid needs to learn a lesson.
- I like one kid better, and they both know it.
- I always demand respect and obedience.
- I often overspend on something we don't need and end up without the funds to pay the bills at the end of the month.
- They will never be responsible enough to do everything for themselves. They can't manage without me.
- I'll probably buy him/her that candy or toy.
Interpreting Your Score
If you got between 0 and 2 correct answers: Nobody's perfect all the time. You can probably call yourself a good parent in good faith.
If you got between 3 and 4 correct answers: Perhaps you need to learn more about the difference between a good and a bad parent.
If you got between 5 and 6 correct answers: It takes a lot of work to be a good parent, and your answers indicate someone who needs to work a lot harder!
If you got 7 correct answers: Your answers earn you an "A-" or a "B" in lousy parenting!
If you got 8 correct answers: You earn an "A" on the bad parenting test! Hopefully, you were guessing the worst answers instead of answering honestly.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can Good Kids Survive Bad Parenting?
The effects of bad parenting can run deep. Many kids lose self-esteem, develop bad habits, or feel inhibited for the rest of their lives, so take time out for children, teach them good manners, and correct them when they do wrong.
Many people have suffered from the effects of bad parenting. I had a neglected childhood where I was forced to stay away from my parents, and I also suffered from favoritism. I am sure that there are many who suffered in childhood like I did, but it is up to us to turn that negativity into positivity. What I suffered made me a much stronger person. It made me promise myself to do better and never let my own children suffer the way I did.
People can work hard to heal themselves after growing up with bad parents, but doing so can be challenging and painful. Many people will be unwilling to engage in the daunting emotional labor that healing requires, and as a result, they may choose to avoid their issues. A person's willingness to heal themselves can vary a lot depending on their emotional state and their circumstances. Rather than put your kids in a situation where they will have to heal from their childhoods, focus on being a good parent or provider so they will have a great foundation for the rest of their lives.
Should I Have Kids and Risk Being a Lousy Parent?
The first thing a current or prospective parent should realize is that you cannot be perfect in all aspects. Humans are going to make mistakes, but we have to learn from them, correct them, and not let them affect our children. Though it may not be possible to be a perfect parent, you can at least try to be a good one. It may help to attend therapy or a parenting class to learn how to deal with your own issues in ways that will enable you to be a good parent.
Is It Okay to Be a Friend to my Children?
Being more of a friend than a parental figure can cause a lot of problems. Children may not respect their parents' decisions or authority if they predominantly see their parents as friends. When parents neglect to set rules and boundaries for their children, it is only natural for the kids to become brats or display unacceptable behaviors. By being a friend instead of a parent, you do them a disservice. It is your choice if you want to be a positive role model or be a bad parent. A parent's ability to manage tantrums, mistakes, and mischief wisely can help a child become a good citizen. It is possible to have friendly interactions with your children while being a responsible parent. You can have an open and trusting relationship with your children while maintaining your position as an authority figure.
Is Therapy a Good Remedy for Parent-Child Problems?
A marriage and family therapist (MFT) can help parents communicate with one another and their children. Sometimes parents will need to see a therapist on their own, and sometimes entire families need to participate in sessions with a counselor. A therapist can help people become aware of habits or actions that may be damaging familial relationships. Therapists will usually work with people to help them recognize and improve problems. Therapy can also be a powerful tool for developing emotional wellness. Some parents will become better providers for their kids by improving their own emotional states.
If you have more questions to ask or examples of bad parenting to share, feel free to contribute to the comments section.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: My child is horrible. No method of punishment works for her. She does the same thing you tell her to stop doing over and over again. I have resorted to spanking, but that's not working either. Am I a bad parent? What do I do? I am just ready to give her away to the system because I can't do it anymore.
Answer: Punishments can often make children rebellious. Things that can't be solved using punishment can be solved using love. Talk to your child calmly and try to understand her problem. If you don't share a good rapport with your child, let her father or grandparents talk to her. Maybe that will help you know what you are doing wrong. Communication can solve a lot of problems.
Question: How can I be a good parent when my parents weren't?
Answer: You have suffered the effects of bad parenting. You know what you lacked as a victim of poor parenting. All you have to do is not to repeat the mistakes your parents made. That won't be hard, right?
Question: Is it too late to correct bad parenting? Do the effects of bad parenting last forever?
Answer: It's never too late to change yourself. I am sure your kids would be happy to see you changed than having a bad parent for life. Yes, the effects of bad parenting are likely to last for a long time.
Question: I'm failing my children because of my bad behavior, and I don't want them around. Can you help?
Answer: Children need parents who guide and motivate them. Just like over interference, lack of proper parental influence can also be bad for children. It is good that you realized your fault. Now all you need to do is take positive steps to change your behavior towards your children.
Question: My stepdaughter married a guy with a son. She too has a son. Her husband has abandoned nurturing his own son, and is trying to be overly involved in hers. He never played sports, but is now taking every opportunity to coach. Our grandson is getting upset repeatedly, and his mom doesn't know what to do with her husband being so overly involved. We think he should focus on his son instead of taking control of his non-biological son. What do you think?
Answer: It is a good thing that your son-in-law cares for his stepson. Maybe he loves your daughter too much and wants to stay in her good books. But overly intrusive parenting is bad for children and should be avoided. I also find it odd that he has abandoned his biological son. The kids from both marriages should be treated equally. Neglecting a child is equally bad as over-involvement with another child. I think your daughter should have an open talk with her husband and sort the issue.
Question: What is the effect of a paternal grandfather favoring another child over mine?
Answer: Favoritism can be damaging to both the favored child and the overlooked one. Discrimination based on gender and skills are quite common. Parents and grandparents often favor a boy compared to a girl child. Children who are intelligent and good at sports are often the apple of the eyes of their family. Unequal treatment from parents and grandparents can become a cause for sibling rivalry, and the un-favored child may resent the favored child. This is something I have done too. I have resented my brother and parents all my life. I made mistakes and revolted against my parents to hurt them for their unequal treatment. I was depressed, angry and suffering from low self-esteem. I have scars in my heart that may probably never heal. My parents are dead now, and I still do not have a good equation with my brother. On the other hand, favoritism is not good for the favored child as well. Those who grow up in a protective environment often find it difficult when they have to face the hardships of life. So try avoiding favoritism. Make sure you let your child know that he/she is inferior to none. Help him/her develop a positive mindset. It is difficult to change 'old' people all of a sudden. But you can at least reason with your father/father in law to give some attention to your child as well and not ignore him completely.
Question: What is the effect of me being so harsh on my daughter that i got angry at her for spending $1000.00 pesos?
Answer: Many Parents not just yell at their children, but also indulge in verbal and physical violence. When a Parent is constantly angry at a child and scolds him/her even for small things, the child can feel worthless and depressed. Some children may turn aggressive, rebel and constantly misbehave if Parents treat them badly. So make it a point to NEVER take your anger on children. Calm down before interacting with children. If you can reason with the child as to what he/she did wrong and why it is wrong, they would understand. As a Parent, if you are constantly having a problem controlling your anger, I would advise you to seek counseling.
© 2010 Anamika S Jain
Santanu Majumder from India on March 09, 2019:
Very informative article. Those parents don't know this please should read this article.
Umesh Chandra Bhatt from Kharghar, Navi Mumbai, India on February 16, 2019:
A good and exhaustive article. Nice reading.
Dawn Texada on December 16, 2018:
@Gaiaa I do this. Not saying that it's correct but sometimes our parents are battling more than we know. My mom died a few years ago. It's hard to describe. I lost my safety net. I raise my children alone and always felt her overstepping but now that she's gone, it's hard not having someone elses input. My mom's whole family disowned us after her passing and my dad's mom died the same week, his only brother committed suicide soon after. Basically we have no family. My childrens father only shows up to attack my parenting. I'm emotionally overwhelmed. I can't always fight why I need something done. Little things put me over the edge. I'm trying to heal and do better but I never want my children to think it's them. I'm doing the thing that I hated most about my upbringing. I recognize it but life is just hard sometimes especially when facing it alone. Everything is heavier alone. I isolate to save everyone else from my inner demons.. unfortunately I never get time away from my children. I always break in their company.
Arianna Genda on December 02, 2018:
I feel like my mom is a bad parent because when we have an argument and when I ATTEMPTED to say my part of the story she laughs at me like i'm a clown, it makes me feel really bad because I wouldn't believe my own mother would laugh at me when I cry instead of helping me feel better like the other moms would....This has been going on for years and we have gone to see a therapist but it doesn't work, it's really frustrating and depressing to me, because of my mom I have been going through depression. I hope that you guys don't have to go through what I'm going through.
Best of lucks
Tom Hunter on November 14, 2018:
to add a different perspective, my wife and I are always being accused by our twin girls of being "STRICT parents", or claim "we are this way because you were so strict"... first, rules of the house. don't lie to us.
I know, its a long list of rules, we never had a lick of trouble from our girls, or their half sister, half brother was another story.
Rules on punishment
No spankings given
discussions on what they did wrong (they saw these as lectures)
Grounding (that never seems to stay enforced)
they were encouraged to do whatever they wanted in school, all we asked as if they chose to do it, make sure because everything cost a lot of money to join with equipment and such so don't quit, they usually quit, but we would scrape up the money for their next choice, which eventually they would quit.
we went to every sporting event, band, dance, drama, volleyball, etc...
when they lied about where they were and who they were with I usually caught them... they never saw it as they were caught lying but that we didn't trust them enough to not go looking, and on several of those occasions had I not gone looking they very well might be dead today from alcohol poisoning as both required an ER visit to due BAC.
They were never called dumb, stupid, told they can't do anything (except when they said "I can't do it", only then were they told the same thing I was told "can't can't do anything', try first, if you don't succeed and still want to, try harder, we are only held back by our fear of failure and I know your capable of doing anything.
I also raised my children with the saying, I burned it into their head and I told them this applied to me and their mother as well as them.
"be careful of the choices you make because you might have to live with the consequences", they can repeat it back today and say it as a badge of honor, however they continue to make bad life decisions today and guess what... ITS OUR FAULT, as they have done their whole lives they ask for advise, we have a discussion and I tell them what I would do, they never follow it EVER, afterwards, when they made their choice and it lead to bad consequences, they ask for more advice WHICH THEY WON'T FOLLOW.
Their lives are theirs to live, we have told them we will always be proud of them, we might not like the choices they made but they were their choices and their consequences. what we got was 2 children (33yo FM and 35yo M ) who no longer talk to us because we told them no more bail outs as we don't have the money and they always wasted the opportunity to change when bailed out, but we will give you all the emotional support you can handle, 1 child (27yo FM) who is angry that we will no longer provide monetary aid to her family and 1 child (27yo FM) who has moved in with us (to get back on her feet) and pays nothing, does nothing around the house, brought two animals with her and instead of saving money bought a new car and doubled down on her debt and thats after a year when she was supposed to move in 6 months max. We are allergic to her cat (and I don't like the nasty things) but we allowed it because it was supposed to be 6 months. Anytime I try talking to her about her life choices she attacks me, says rude things to me like its our fault she chooses bad men etc... when I try talking to her about sleeping with dates on first night she says I'm so over bearing when in fact I'm worried for her.
She claims I'm controlling because I want to know where she is going when its usually to meet come guy she met on internet and I want his number and where they will be (not because i'm nosey, but because she has no idea who this guy is and if she disappears I have somewhere to start to find her (or her body God forbid).
they are abusive and use guilt to get what they want and if they can't get it they throw out the ever tried and true "we wouldn't be like this if you weren't such strict parents" in hopes of getting what they want.
Gaiaaa on July 20, 2018:
I've always questioned whether my dad is a bad parent or not, but this article has proved everything to me. My mom passed away when I was little, but even then, he was always very direct that I was just a kid, who knew nothing, and he was the adult, who knew everything. Today he was yelling at me over a pillow being on the floor and me not noticing it and picking it up, and I decided to respond with the things he asked me to remind him to do. He walked back upstairs, even angrier this time, and said that I am just a "stupid kid" and that I should stop challenging him. He also makes numerous threats to me almost everyday now saying that he'll slap my face if I keep talking or that he'll leave and never come back. Everyday I'm thankful though, that my situation isn't as horrific as others.
sarahsis on May 11, 2018:
So i had a those important exams coming up and i was studying six hours in a row and revised every single formula but when my mom came back from work she started yelling at me telling me I'm dumb and stupid and you don't know what you're studying cause you don't understand it and i really understood every lesson.This happened many times, they compare me to my sister in university who has better grades and favorite her more whatever she asks they do it but when i ask for something they stall like i need a new shirt cause I don't have one and they give her allowance every day. They never listen they don't understand I've been struggling this whole year and none of them encouraged me to get better. i'm also a little thick and they want me to lose weight but I don't want to I'm comfortable with my body they just want me to be perfect
Justin Li on May 09, 2018:
My parent's never trust me with anything even though I always do what they ask me to, even if I'm a little slow... but they always tell me to do their work and I do EVERY SINGLE CHORE. Then, when I finally get a chance to ask them if I can have something or ask them to do something or help me with something, they just start cursing at me and hitting me. My dad smokes and every time I ask my parents about something, he punches my face, and half the time, I start bleeding and get a swollen eye. My mom is such a hypocrite as well...she tells me to get off of my phone even when I'm using it for educational purposes, and I even TELL HER, but she just gets on her phone the whole day talking to her friends. She tells me I'll never amount to anything in life, but she's the one who cant even get a job. Even my father complains that she doesn't have a job. Then, one day, my mom left home for a week. I didn't care what happened to her... after what she has done to me. I wouldn't care if I died,
Ryancredit on May 01, 2018:
Thank you so much for your comprehensive article. This reflects the aspects that tortured more than 30 years. I am still suffering from the aftermath of bad parenting. My mother still tells me to do something that she wants and the way she wants, which are usually based on her judgmental guess which is far from fact. Also, I get feedback from colleagues that I have low self-esteem. I know this is a serious problem when I have a job interview or work with others. I came to know this is based on the neglecting from parents, abusing, lowering self-esteem like "you are a useless one, you will not make a good one", and also my bad character in my child year which I learned from the bad example of parents, and weak financial basis during childhood. Somehow people didn't like me and avoided me. I guess this is due to my poor appearance, my weird attitude that made it hard for me to get along with friends in college. From countless feedback, I came to overcome much of bad characters, habit, the attitude of mine which I had inherited from my parents, but I don't know how to overcome the major piece -- lack of self-esteem. Generally, I like myself more than I used to in ten or twenty years ago. Thank God I survived. Thank you for sharing this post so I get to know the problems lucidly now, which I just presumed or conjectured for so many years.
Melissa from UK on March 18, 2018:
You are a very wise and smart young adult. Please seek help from a trusting adult like a teacher or principal immediately. Your parents will understand in time.
You will have a long life on front of you to reach your potential and to enjoy, to help your siblings from now will in turn help you.
I am concerned that your step-Dad is a danger to his children and your Mom, especially when it concerns sexual abuse, be it now or in time.
You will not get into trouble with anyone else for asking for help or turning to anybody.
I am a soldier in England and I would seek help out if I were you.
Stay strong. You know what is right or wrong and your moral compass is strong.
Ag85 on March 06, 2018:
Your story is similar to my childhood.. not every detail, but reading what you wrote brought back much pain.
Please listen to what I am about to say, and this goes for any young one going through these situations.
You said that you feel like it’s not “ bad enough “ to do anything. Please hear me when I say that is not true!
Everything you’ve written about for the safety of your little siblings and yourself, even your moms stability, you must get help.
You’re thinking things are “ not that bad” because right now they’re not hitting you, but emotionally and verbally they’re damaging you. That kind of abuse is proven to be far worse than that of physical. And your little siblings are watching this everyday unfold...
it’s a pattern. They’re seeing this, and they’ll either repeat it or seek relationships of the same kind. Having no self worth. No value. Feeling broken. Unloved. Children need love and security! They need to feel safe and worthy of love! I know this now. Took me years and years. I’m still overcoming my past, but it’s only because God says... I am worthy, I am His, I am cherished and adopted into His family because He first loved me. Sacrificial love.. Agape love.
Unconditional love. It is hard to believe this truth at times, but it’s true!!
BoArcher, God knows exactly where you are. He knows you’re hurting. He says... “ Come to me all who are burdened and I will give you rest” for your safety and the kids, will you please talk to your police department?
I assure you, you’ll be protecting them from further harm. And I would suggest that you talk to someone, a counselor too, to get everything out so your not like I was and bottled everything up for so many years.
If you message me back on here, I’d like to give you my email or Facebook so we can talk further.
Please let me know how you are doing. I’ll be praying for you and your family.
May Davis on February 19, 2018:
I've wanted to move out for so long, I'm only thirteen. My parents say that they don't have favorites, but I know they do, and they say they're ok with who I am, but they're always yelling at me, getting mad over little things, saying I'm not good enough. My sister acts like I'm so dumber than her. I have mental problems and PDHD, but I didn't tell my parents, and they just won't listen, I took the test, wasn't good,
Krcaregiver on February 13, 2018:
When I make suggestions to the mother of children that a care for, she accuses me of 'digging'. I feel I can't make any suggestions about the children for far that I am digging, accusing, whatever the term 'dig' means...please offer suggestions
DyinginVain on January 30, 2018:
My mom is constantly telling me that I'm lazy and disgusting and said to my face that I make her want to kill herself and me because I have trouble with my school. I'm not even not doing it, but she screams at me because I am "not doing it fast enough." I'm nearly 16 and I've desperately wanted to move out since I was 9. When I'm reading I read slowly because the words get all mixed up in my head and she'll start screaming at me or hitting me or taking things away. she hit me with a book last week because I wasn't writing an essay fast enough. She also took away everything in my room except a few pairs of clothes, my bed, and a sheet. Everything else, and put it into trash bags. I'm also homeschooled so I can't get away from her. She's always there... telling me how horrible I am for ruining her life. What do I do
Does it matter on January 18, 2018:
Hey, I'm 14 I took the quiz and I got 100%. Safe to say I've been struggling for awhile..
Starela1 on January 14, 2018:
‘My parents are always saying things like “your brother is one of the best teenagers- he isn’t moody” and “what is wrong with you, why are you like this?” They constantly state their preferences to my brother and never believe me when I say he did something to me and not the other way round - and if they do believe me my brother never gets the blame. But when I ask them if they prefer my brother they deny it- even though they constantly imply and straight out say it when me and my brother are around. They always tell me that I’m not tall enough or that my feet or too big or that I’m not skinny enough but when it comes to my brother he just gets compliments on his long legs and bid feet. I always feel like something is wrong with me. But, normally every week they try to make up with me and hug me and say that they love each of us equally. But after that they go back to preferring my brother over me and insulting me. This confuses me- do they love us equally or are they cruel parents who undermine me? That is why I always feel guilty if I say something bad about them - I need to know for sure if they love and care about me as much as my brother or if this attitude towards me is damaging and hurting me in the long term. They also tell me off and start shouting or lightly hitting me on the back of the head on the littlest of things like if I’m slightly too slow at getting ready or if I complain about not getting enough sleep (they just blame it on me). I don’t know what to do because they are my parents and I love them...... but this hurts me greatly and there are many occasions while I feel alone, depressed and with no where to go....
Errandofangels on January 07, 2018:
BoArcher, and all those who have commented, please tell another adult what you and your siblings are going through. It is not your fault. You and your siblings need protection. Your parents are making mistakes. They can change but it will take a long time and professional help. Get help for yourself and your innocent siblings. You are all children of a kind Heavenly Father and Mother. Pray to them and they will comfort you. You are in a desperate situation. It is not normal. Get help, please! Tell a doctor, nurse, or teacher. Please do not blame yourself. You have a bright future. Get your siblings out of that situation. Your parents will be angry at you, but it is the right thing to do. Have faith in yourself. You reached out for help on this website. You have shown bravery and love for yourself and your family. Continue with your bravery and hope and get more help. You can also call the police for any hitting or neglect. You are loved! I will pray for you. I wish I could come to your homes and help you, myself. - From a sister who loves you.
BoArcher on December 21, 2017:
I'm 19 years old. My mom can be my best friend sometimes, but other times she can be really mean. And I don't like my step dad much at all. He's always angry, he says mean things and swears all the time. He isn't responsible, especially with driving. He likes to speed and swerve because he thinks it's fun. My step dad was driving my boyfriend and me to a job interview that my boyfriend had, and he was going 60 down a curvy road while it was raining, and we ended up swerving off the road into so huge rocks to avoid a big truck he almost hit. My boyfriend was fine, thank god, but I came out of it with a broken foot. He can't keep a job, and I don't think he should even allowed to be a parent. He had three kids with my mom, they're 7, 5, and 3 years old. He's always screaming at them when they do something he doesn't like, he always mocks them when they cry or whine. when my 7 year old brother gets upset his voice gets really high and they both always tell him that he sounds like a little girl. He has ADD or something like that, we're still not quite sure what it is yet, so he's always loud, he's hyper, he can be annoying. But they don't seem to take that into account, they're always telling him to shut up, saying they want to beat him, telling him he's a little shit. My step dad makes my 5 year old brother accept that he's going to spank him and makes him stand there and take it when he does. They're always quick to yell at one of the kids without even knowing anything. My 3 year old sister tries to get everyone into trouble and lies constantly, and it's gotten my brothers spank and yelled at several times for nothing. But if I try to complain about it, or about how they decide to "discipline" the kids, I get yelled at. They treat me like shit sometimes too. I always try to stay in my room so i don't have to deal with it, but whenever I leave my step dad always has to say something to upset me. And I either just have to stand there and take it, or risk saying something and then getting yelled at and threatened to be hit by my mom. They're always making fun of my face, telling me I have resting bitch face. And they've said it so many times already I've lost count. You said it once, I got it already. I look like a cranky bitch. Really thanks. I already have problems with the way I look, with my weight, how I sound. That's just what I need, to be constantly reminded that I look like I'm a bitch. When I was younger, I was fatter then I am now. And I always had problems finding jeans, I was like in a weird in between size. I needed new pants so we went to Value Village, and I had tried on so many jeans, and my mom got so frustrated that we couldn't find any for me that she started saying that it's because I'm too fat and that I need to lose weight before she buys me pants because she's not doing this anymore. Just today I decided to leave my room to find something to eat, and they were both in the kitchen. I caught my step dad staring at me, which I've always been really uncomfortable with having people stare at me, and I asked him "why are you staring at me?". He said that he wasn't, and then said I needed to stop being so paranoid. And then he started mocking me in a demeaning voice going "Mommy, mommy, he's staring at me!" All I did was ask him to stop making fun of me, he said he wasn't making fun of me and then my mom said" What's wrong with you? You need to stop being so sensitive". I decided to leave and just go to my room again. Then my mom came in and started yelling at me, saying I need to stop treating my step dad like shit. That I only said that because I have a problem with him. Which I do, but I would've asked anyone to stop. Not just because it was him. Then she started saying how he's nothing but kind to me and that maybe they should just treat me like shit for a week to see how I feel about him afterwards. He's hardly ever nice. He's only nice once in a great while, as if to make up for all the shit he does. He constantly says awful things about me to my mom when he's upset with me, and she never does anything about it. But when I just ask him to stop making fun of me, she yells at me for it. I could hear my step dad after that complaining about how I do nothing every single day, I just sit in my room on my stupid laptop. Saying how worthless I am. Well, I'm sorry. You broke my foot. You want me to go jog outside in the snow for a while? I've also been having a really bad pain in my back that I had to go see the doctor for, so it's hard to get up and move around. They really made me feel like shit today. I honestly felt like I wanted to die. What kind of life is worth living if you're constantly ridiculed and made fun of by your own parents? Aren't parents supposed to make you feel safe? Protect you from that sort of stuff? Aren't you supposed to be able to feel like you can talk to them about anything? I don't think you're supposed to feel like you're trapped with your parents. Normal parent-child relationships should be happy right? Being able to feel comfortable to be out of your room and around your parents, not feeling disgusted being around your dad, not having to dread waking up the next day just to hear more yelling, not feeling stressed out every single day. I'm pretty sure good dads don't walk into their daughters rooms on a hot summer night, when she's just wearing her underwear because it's too hot, and lifts up her blanket and then leaves. I was half asleep when he did that. Like, I could see him but I couldn't do anything. I tried telling my mom once before that I was uncomfortable around him, and she just got really disappointed in me. I don't know what to do. I honestly feel so trapped and depressed. None of my friends live around me so I can't just leave. I don't have a car, or a job. I've been trying to get one, but it's winter. And no one wants to hire someone with a broken foot. I can't speak out against them, or tell them how I feel or they'r just gonna get mad at me again. And I don't think things are bad enough to call child services or anything. Plus I'm 19, I don't think they'd do anything anyway. I have thought about it before, when my step dad was actually physically abusive to my siblings. My 7 yr old brother, who was younger then, would have night terrors. And he would wake up crying and screaming for my mom. My step dad went into his room and pushed his hand against his mouth and shoved him against the wall and kept telling him to shut up. When my mom was pregnant with that same brother 7 years ago she was always angry. I know people get angry when they're pregnant, but she was awful. She got mad at my cat so she scruffed him and started smashing him against the wall. I yelled at her to stop and she came towards me and threw me down on my bed and started repeatedly smacking my face, telling me to shut up because I was screaming since I was scared and it hurt. Then she told me I better pray the police don't come to the door since I was screaming so loud. They aren't physically abusive anymore. But they come really close sometimes, and even my mom's threats are enough to scare me. I don't think you should control your child with fear. She thinks I grew up to be a pretty good kid with her parenting. But I have anxiety, slight depression, I have no self confidence, I'm scared to try new things, I can get angry easily, I love to sing but I'm not able to sing in front of people if it's just me singing. She told me when I was little as a joke that I was tone deaf. Whenever we were required to do something in school, like give a class presentation, or do a small solo in choir, or do anything that would put the attention on you, I would go hide in the bathroom until it was over. I hated being late to class, or walking into a crowded room, because I can't stand when people look at me. I get so self conscious, thinking that they're probably thinking awful things about me. Like thinking how fat I am, or how ugly I am. That maybe I smell gross, or maybe I walk funny. My mom knows I'm self conscious, and she tells me it's stupid and that I should get over it.
Wendy66 on December 05, 2017:
kids should tell someone may be a teacher at school find somebody that cares and tell somebody that your parents are fighting around you that is not right and they cannot do that around you it is against the law kids to be going through all that emotional abuse
Rooksy on November 24, 2017:
I’m so sorry for your situation but in spite of it, you sound like a very intelligent and level headed young man. Your plan sounds great and please don’t hesitate to follow your instincts and dreams. Move on with your life and make the best of your future. I’ve been around long enough to observe people in your shoes and some succumb to a life long obsession vying for their mother’s attention, approval and attention. I know it’s an old cliche, but life is what you make it and you will make it through. I believe you’ll always seek your mother’s attention but don’t make it your life’s goal or obsession. My grandson’s mom is a bad parent and I try to be a positive and loving force in his life. It hurts to see him have to go through what you already have been. My son is working on getting full custody and I am there every day by his side now and in the future. If you have a grandparent or other relative you can confide in, it would help to have some kind of support. Blessings to you and keep safe
AimeeWoollaston on November 17, 2017:
See as a kid I had two siblings. Me and my sister were the oldest and we'd talk about the favouritism from my mother he'd get. We both remember when we were 13-16 she had asked for a game for 4 years and I asked for a toy for 9 months and my brother who didn't know what they were got them in one shopping trip. They also did more for him then us. We both went to clubs and he got all the praise for the one club he went too. It hurt because we couldn't trust our mother to not tell our brother who'd tell our friends which had happened before. I think its hard with favouritism because you feel unloved and unwanted because off the treatment from the other child.
kedi1 on October 09, 2017:
what an excellent article thank you.
I am a mother to a wonderful 5 year old boy and work hard at being the best mother I can be. He is a well rounded little boy who will always be my priority. I will always monitor and improve my parenting. I know that I need to learn how to be a good parent.
From this article I can take away some good points for me to practice.
I myself cam from a home with an abusive father and a mother that was as good as he was bad.
My father did not drink or smoke or do drugs, so there are no excuses. He is just a nasty piece of work.
My nickname was - Whore
He beat me with his fists and kicked me weekly
He beat my mother
He would bring me home from school when my mum wasn't around and beat me with a stick, then tell me not to tell mum otherwise she would get it to.
He liked to beat me with a wooden spoon
I saw the look of excitement and a rush of adrenaline in his eyes when he beat me
I had no toys, he was so stingy. As a teenager I began shoplifting.
I was not allowed any friends - they were all bad....
I was made to clean the house, cook the dinner, do the ironing, make the lunches, laundry
Our house was cold, bare and full of unhappiness that he caused. I didn't need to toys to be happy. I needed the warmth of a loving home.
I only recall him holding my hand twice. I had to run after him in the street when he collected me from school.
He never looked at me
He always barked orders at me and looked at me in distain
His abuse of me groomed me and prepared the way for others to abuse me in various ways in my life. In the workplace in personal relationships.
At 14 I took an overdose as I couldn't cope anymore.
It didn't work. I just woke in the morning and realised that it was a message to me that everything was going to be OK. It wasn't going to be like this forever. That gave me hope.
At 18 I left home. He couldn't hurt me anymore
My life is materially successful. Emotionally and socially it could be much better.
At 30 I had a massive breakdown, diagnosed with PTSD.
Everyday I see how he still affects my life today.
I do not speak with him or have any contact.
At age 44 I was given the opportunity to let him know exactly what I thought of him. ... I spat him in the face and told him that this is the person who he is. A person that should be spat at.
His last abuse of me is that when he does I will not be able to be sad about it. He has taken away my right to mourn what should have been a loving father and protector.
HarpSorrow on October 07, 2017:
I'm 16 and I have a 14-year-old brother. My mom plans to send me away to tar heels challenge because she believes that I don't listen to her and that I'm very immature when that's not the case. I called DCF on her because of her verbal abuse a few months ago and I feel like she doesn't get it. She doesn't understand that the little mistakes I make are just me just being human and I'm constantly being called stupid and dumb and any name in the book. Thus the reason why I never talk to her about personal things anymore because I worried that she'll judge me or call me dumb for the things that are going on in my life. Sometimes I just want to run away and try to start a new life elsewhere. It's hard trying to find a job around here and I just wish she would stop calling me names and comparing me to my best friend. She can be physical at times but it's like I can never try to explain myself or nothing. She doesn't trust me and I always have to prove myself. She favorites my brother even though she says that she doesn't. She cares more about her boyfriend than anything. She's very two-faced too, she'll probably yell at me for something stupid and then when her boyfriend comes around or when we have company come over, she'll act like nothing happened and laugh at anything they say. She doesn't care about anyone's opinions and she never like to take responsibility for when she's wrong. I don't know what to do and sometimes I just wanna die(not literally.)
When I finally do leave and get out of her house, I want to go to school for music and/or culinary arts.
Yacob on October 05, 2017:
Shalom to all,
Especially the lady with the eight year old girl.
Q. If your relationship with your husband ended, don't take it out on you daughter?
A. Love her! Show her what love is? Be patient with her? Talk with her? Guide her? These are just a few things you need to to do.
Aswell, as read the Bible. The whole Book. Learn about God (Jesus). Learn how He forgives those that forgive others. Learn about His LOVE. And then as a parent, teach your daughter His way. And you will see that Jesus Loves you! He has never forgot about you.
He Has blessed you with His daughter ( so in return; "You'll need to teach her about her Heavenly Father").
Never give up in God. This is your only ticket you require.
I say all this with love. May God keep blessing you everyday TO FIND HIM - JESUS. Amen
Your brother Yacob
tashamadeline on September 27, 2017:
Would I be a terrible person to send this link to my parents?
Anamika S Jain (author) from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India on September 24, 2017:
It's never late. You accepted and know your fault. So just go ahead and make amendments.
IHateWhoIAm on September 24, 2017:
My daughter just turned 8. I just got out of a horrible relationship. I feel like I’m an angry person now. I’m just a horrible mother. I don’t know who I am anymore. I blow up over little things. I should be able to just simply sit her down and talk to her when she’s wrong. But I’ve diciplined her by hitting her. I hate who I’ve become now. I’m thing angry person. I hate who I am. I don’t want to be a bad mother. I want to change my ways. Am I too late? Is all the damaged done already? I don’t want her to grow up and hate me for who I have been to get recently. I just wish I wasn’t who I’ve become anymore.
yassin zahran on September 17, 2017:
Why is no one replying to these comments ?????
am 37 , and all I can say from reading lots of comments , that you(kids , teens) needs to talk to your parents from a different perspective that will make them listen and understand you.
am not an expert but I do have a son his 5 years old and am learning everyday how to be a good father.
everyday I think if I did something bad to him, my wife helped me a lot to understand that. and I did give myself a hint that am not supermen or superdad and am still learning to be a good father and raise a good son.
but still it comes time when I struggle with myself, but in the end I say to myself (I have to talk) communication is the first step. I have to understand my son and talk to him.
and that's it (TALK and TALK) till we understand each other.
Thatriccigirl on September 14, 2017:
My mom honestly sucks. All she cares about are guys yet still is crying about my dad even after he left her dumb, ugly, egotistic, psycho and lazy ass years ago. My dad is so far from perfect but my mom is just sooooo awful!!! Theyve been divorced for seven years now and she still resents my brother and i because of my dad who she married. This dumb, useless nutbag brought us into this world and she thinks shes the only one regretting it. The reason why i hate her though is because of how much better she treats my brother over me, oh and im saving that in my memory when i pick our her nursing home someday. I honestly hope they neglect her and treat her like the useless garbage piece of shit she is. Shes a bitter, saggy, clearly premenopausal woman who deserves to be left alone hours and days on end. I know thats awful but its not her kids fault that she married a douche. She also thinks shes actually going to get a job in psychology!!! Lmfao clown ass bitch they wont hire you with an undergrad... theyre gonna hopefully lock you up as you deserve!!! Sorry i just needed to blow off some steam about this ugly and old ass hoebag who gave birth and then wishes she didnt. I hope they treat her like shit in the nursing home i put her in. Again as awful as that is, her existence and what shes done to her kids (especially me, her daughter) is dispicable alone. Im glad shes still single because shes her own enemy. Shes getting mad old, shes ugly, shes wrinkled and is just as ugly on the inside.
Anokhik on September 14, 2017:
I'm 14 and my brother is 16. For ever since I can remember, my parents have blamed me for all my brother's mistakes. My parents used to fight so much when I was younger and recently have started to regress back to that same amount. However, all their fights seem to pull me into the middle. Not my brother, just me. And the funny thing is, I'm not troublesome. At all. I'm the quiet girl in class that is in top set and is predicted a 9 in every subject. When I go home, I literally have to avoid my parents to stop getting into an argument. If my brother and I are caught watching TV by my dad, he'll be convinced that I forced everyone to watch something that they hate and that I do that all day (despite him seeing me work the majority of the day), and my mom will act so surprised and claim that she had no say in it and that we forced her to. My brother is older, yet if he does anything, I'm the one who gets shouted at and critisized. My brother tends to start fights with me often, yet if he hits me, my mom will claim the same thing as above and I'll be punished as apparently (according to my dad) it takes 'two to tango' even though my mom will see him literally hit me for no reason. For instance, today, my brother was showing me a music video, and my mom walked in and screamed at me for "influencing him so badly" despite him having been watching for hours while I was doing my work. They also have a nickname for me called "liar". I know what you're thinking, I probably lie alot. But no actually, this became by nickname because my brother would eat crisps and throw the wrappers behind the couch and my parents automatically blamed me, so my brother went along with it. If my brother even gets told if it'll be a light telling off, but when it's me it's serious. For instance I was telling my mom that I hadn't eaten much lunch because I felt sick and she started accusing me of being pregnant, despite me literally never leaving the house to go out with my friends. Also, I have a severe shoulder injury, stopping me from doing certain things such as sports or ironing, yet my parents will still scream at me if I don't iron my clothes, complaining that I don't do anything. Also I barely spend any money, while my brother and dad will spend a lot and I'm still critisized. I have anxiety and have tried to talk to my parents about it but they literally just laughed and said it was all in my head and kept asking me why. I also know that I suffer from depression but I'm to scared to even try to tell my parents about that. My mom sometimes critisizes me to my friends parents, who'll tell their kids, who'll tell the entire class and make fun of me. My dad also critisizes me in front of family members thinking that its funny. I've actually had a sleeping disorder since I was 7, and they cared for a month or so, but just left it after, claiming it was all in my head. My mom constantly insults my dad's side of the family despite them treating her like their blood relative. I'm sorry for ranting but I didn't realise that that many people went through similar things. I know I shouldn't be complaining as people have it way worse than me, but it's just that I sort of hate it. I've started talking less in classes and barely hang out with my friends at school anymore. I've started eating less. I'm so self-conscious and literally hate everything I do. I feel like just going on my knees and screaming, but I know that no one would understand. It's honestly just sad to realise that even some parents who may read this, still won't understand the effects of what they're doing to their children. I think it's important that even if parents don't understand what's going on with their child, they should make an effort and not critisize them and make them think they're not worth it. But honestly, having been through all this, I know I'm not going to treat my kids anything like how my parents treat me.
Writersblog1234 on September 10, 2017:
My dad yells at me swears at me I feel like I'm treated like dirt. As if I'm not wanted my mum just agrees with my dad saying that their being parents but when he favors my brother more doesent Care when my brothers are fighting or when my siblings are bulling me or when my sister does
Doreen chanyeol on September 10, 2017:
Sometimes I feel so alone even when I have 4 siblings and 2 parents in the house, its just that no one pays attention to me and I understand that because I'm the oldest and I'm also 14 so I'm quite old, but all the attention just goes to my brother's and sisters My dad has two favorites and Also same for my mum and I'm not one of them :/ I don't expect to be but I just want to be normal with them, I don't want to be left out, I ask my friends about this but they say it's normal because I'm the oldest but it's just really annoying because if I ask for something I'll never get it unless it's school related. My Dad is worst however, if I get into a fight with one of my siblings he'll never listen to my point of view, he will always take the younger ones side because "Your the oldest you should know better" He always looks at me like I'm shit and I've never seen him look at any of my siblings like that, but it's okay I probably am.
I'm just so tired of being the oldest, sometimes I wish I could die and see how they react, I remember when I was in primary school and I went on a trip and asked my teacher if she would leave me behind and she asked why...
"Because dad probably wouldn't care if I went missing"
I just want to know why the oldest child is always left out of everything, why the oldest child is all of a sudden no longer a child as long as they're the oldest of the children, why do I have to be rushed into adulthood because I'm the oldest? I wish there was equal treatment for all the children because I hate this very much.
Zamanzzy on August 31, 2017:
I have had a terribleness childhood. Neglect, favouritism (other siblings), physical abuse, mental abuse, locking myself away thinking I was safe only by myself and most importantly always told I was wrong and done everything incorrectly.
I won't go into detail about my past. But I have recently been suffering from depression, anxiety, lack of confidence etc. I have been seeing many Phsyciatrists and have stumbled one amazing angel. She has made me understand my childhood and the reason I lack trust in people etc. I feel a lot better however I still have issues.
I have had a child out of wedlock and I am now married to another woman. The issue is my daughter mother has now stopped me from seeing her for honestly no reason at all, I think it may be because I am married now. She does not even respond to my messages asking if my daughter is ok. I have been in her life since birth and now she is nearly 2YO. I have sent my C100 application to court and have a date coming up.
My worry is I feel my child is going to have problems in her future because of what is happening now. What can I do to make things better? Also what Can I do to penalise her for what she has done?
hebs on August 29, 2017:
xdablongiexx are you ok? I'm concerned for you. If you need help do call your DSS and police (911) for assistance.
xxdablongiexx on August 24, 2017:
Hello, I'm 14, and my mom comes home from work (which she goes crazy on) and comes in my room and starts cussing and said I can cuss whenever I wan't because I'm an adult. And said she will call DSS and let them explain to me the rules or something. Can somebody please tell me what to do in a situation like this where a mom goes crazy?
MamaBear0806 on July 15, 2017:
Ag85 I really hope that you see this. This article ticks me off to no end. 1. Avoiding and Neglecting Your Child versus 7. Too Much Pampering or Interfering. You can do no right! I know there is a happy medium. The author either doesn't know or doesn't care to share it with the rest of us. My guess is that you are doing just fine despite the parenting that you received. Please let me reassure you. I was raised in a two parent household. Love and acceptance was not in short supply. My children, much like myself at their age have no problem whining about homework or chores. They are still expected to complete both. It sounds like yours are as well. If you are depressed/ angry, I am very sorry to hear that. Those are both normal human emotions, especially if you feel you are failing or misunderstood. Keep being there for your kids. It seems to be very much a priority to you and that is so important! Just like you are to them!
Mona Sabalones Gonzalez from Philippines on July 01, 2017:
This is a highly informative article. Parenting is probably the most important job that we will ever do in our lives, and knowing what we might be doing wrong will help us to keep an eye on our own behavior. I like this article very much.
Mom002 on June 09, 2017:
No offense, but this article seemed kind of "harsh". Not written in a real encouraging light. Just saying if u do this and that ur a shitty parent. Not impressed at all. Parenting is the toughest job on earth. And some are more equipped than others. We need all the encouragement we can get. Not condemnation. The "happy parenting" at the end made me lol. Ha
Ag85 on April 21, 2017:
I had a terrible upbringing. I have seen several therapists over the years. I was diagnosed with ptsd. Depression. And have panic and anxiety disorder. I have shut out most of my childhood memories of not all. I wish I could remember things.
My family doesn't talk about anything. I just know if certain things through because of old family videos and every once in awhile my mother would bring things up and I'd have flash backs.
I'm a terrible mother and I'll be the first to admit it. My mom, I love her, but she wasn't a good mom. She always put men above us kids and neglected us. So I have a hard time showing affection or communicating and im very slow at processing things. It puts strain in my marriage. My children are now in elementary school and are out of control and rebelling and so disrespectful. I seem to feel I am wallowing in self pity instead of being there mother. I don't know how to be a mother. They don't listen to anything I say and I'm always either depressed or angry because they aren't listening and fighting with me at everything I'm trying to tell them to do. Like please do your homework, or would you unload the dishes?
I feel overwhelmed. My mom didn't teach us anything. And I rarely saw my dad as a kid. I lived in a terrible chaotic home as a kid. I want my kids to know I love them.
Listenupplz on January 19, 2017:
To "abused parent" .. I know someone exactly like you!! I've seen her interact with her son and let me tell you now.. it's no wonder her Son is "all up in her face". Her discipline is a joke! But she can't see that, I want to laugh at her! Honestly, every time she "disciplines" him, it's laughable .. she has absolutely no control over him and I'm guessing you're 100% the same, you've shown he can do that to you and dismiss you .. Sorry to say it but you're the cause of why you're now an "abused parent". Man up and take control back.. get help, you need it! And please for the love of God quit saying "I could care less" .. it's "couldn't"!
Lisa Musser from Kansa, USA on September 17, 2015:
I have read a lot of these comments and can see a pattern here in all of this. It seems to me that some of the commenter's grew up being raised by people with poor parenting skills, notice I did not say bad parents. I think we all start out with the best of intentions, but somewhere along the line we just stop caring or trying for whatever reason. I don't have anything against spanking as a punishment, I just prefer not to use it. I discipline my son in other ways that I feel affect his behavior in a better way.
Most of the people who replied are not complaining because they didn't always get what they wanted, or because their parents couldn't afford to give them a lush lifestyle. It was a lack of attention, disrespect and neglectful or abusive treatment. I have seen people treat their animals better than they treat their own children.
Hawaiipunch on June 25, 2014:
Well I'm 21 now, growing up I didn't have a dad or any support. I was pretty much ignored. For a while I made excuses like my mom's just busy. I think all I did was drag my mom down. My mom had over 6 on that list. We don't speak anymore and I'm much happier that way. You can't choose your parents and you can't choose your kids.
Abused parent on March 09, 2014:
Very interesting chain of comments. I am a single mom (divorced) and I have a 15 year old son. I will admit I have lost my temper when he has defied me or purposely has lied to me. However,we all know yelling does not work. There have been many times that my son has got in my face literally and has cursed at me, called me names and has even pushed me around. When it is good it is really good. However, if I give him an instruction, i.e. Chores or homework, etc. he has , at times flipped out on me. His friends have seen it, but he truly doesn't care what anybody says or thinks. He is not a big fan of authority and it concerns me. He can be really sweet at times, and I have always been there for him for various reasons. I do not condone the behavior but he could care less. We have tried counseling several times. However, if he doesn't want to go, he is that defiant that he won't go. Same applies for school as well. He has been diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). If anyone could give any advise or suggestions, I would be very very grateful ! Thanks so much!
Goodreader from Lagos, Nigeria on September 14, 2013:
I am 16 years old and I have a mother who has been insulting me since I was 11. She calls me all sorts of names and always picks on me when she's angry with someone else. I am the only boy in my family and this has gone on too long. The one which really made me sad was when she told me that I will die. This really made me feel bad about life and I actually wanted to just leave my family for good. I am 16 and can not leave yet. I wrote an exam in 2013 and failed and I am sure it's because of her. When she calls me names and sometimes slap me I am never able to concentrate or read for at least 3 days and sometimes I even give up on something I am trying to achieve. My mum insulted me and abused me a lot during the exam period and now I want to write it again and she still insults me. I want to get out of my house please what should I do.
My dad always supports everything she says or does to me and even when I put all hopes in him he ends up disappointing me. :(
Flickersprite on August 26, 2013:
This was an excellent and very helpful article. I also found several of the comments to be very helpful as well. My family is toxic and is becoming increasingly worse. I had a difficult childhood, although I did manage to do very well in school in spite of my parents, especially my mother, who resented me greatly and felt compelled to work very diligently to make me miserable and to control me. I don't have children, or a significant relationship, and I've had a very hard time for the last 20 years since graduating from high school, and my parents, in both aggressive and shockingly secretive ways, have worked to make me crazy, miserable, and generally unsuccessful-I guess for both entertainment and manipulative purposes. In spite of them, I am now finally doing better financially and in my career. However, I definitely have some major trust issues and I have had to relocate extremely frequently, so I don't have a lot of friends. I just hope I can develop the maturity and the strength to maintain infrequent contact with my family while being able to emotionally harden my heart to their manipulative, hateful nastiness. Even though I know my parents probably better than anyone, I will never truly understand how or why they act the way they do. If I had a child, I would never conciously choose to be a bad parent in any way. Sadly, at this time it appears that I will probably never get to be a parent, and I do not believe adoption is a good idea. It seems like it pleases my mother greatly to know that I am sad about anything-but she resents everyone in the world and seems to have the spoiled and deranged attitude that she would only be happy if she were the only person anyone cared about. My father is more difficult to figure out, because he doesn't speak often and almost never voices personal information, but he obviously has worked with my mother to purposely try to ruin my life in several ways, I have had unfortunate, shocking opportunities to learn. It appears that many, many people are bad parents and do ridiculously abusive, appalling, shameful things to their children. I would guess that along with just being nasty people, it probably does have something to do with stupidity as well, although my parents are both college graduates and my father is purportedly a genius. Recovering from this is difficult, but ironically, I think the answer is to distance your heart from the people you spent your childhood loving. You can't treat your parents like you can treat your children- if they're just brats, you can't really teach them to behave. In spite of everything my parents have put me through, and believe me, it has been ridiculously bad, for some reason, I just can't hate them. I'm not sure if they have succeeded in stripping away my strength to be able to hate them, of if I just cannot help but to always care, but I guess the answer is to keep a safe distance from them, because I just can't allow myself to continue to be abused for their entertainment and manipulative purposes. My poor sister is not as fortunate as I am; she truly is insane and beyond help, although she is financially much better off than I am. This is because my parents have gone to great lengths to make sure she would be financially successful. My mother didn't feel as insecure about her because she did not have spectacular school success. Because of this dynamic, my sister now has a real sibling rivalry type of hatred for me and she is being very manipulated by my parents. I feel powerless to help her, and actually feel a little bit of relief that she is the one with the major mental problems and the bad attitude and hate she has for me makes it easier to allow her to be the one to have all the attention and support she craves from my parents and not to interfere with that in any way. I guess I do feel a small amount of guilt and sadness for my sister, but I honestly don't feel like I can do anything to change this situation. I'm just going to leave this whole mess behind, (which is what they all seem to want anyway), without totally shutting off all communication with them, and hopefully I'll be able to figure out how to have a healthy relationship one day.
Gail Louise Stevenson from Mason City on July 06, 2013:
I came from a one-parent home (my mother) and 4 sisters and brothers including myself, which was very hard on many, many times. The father left when I was one and a half. He was an alcoholic. He didn't pay child-support, we lived on ADC. My mother wasn't perfect, but I think she did the best she could under the circumstances that she was under. She had boyfriends that she went out at night with, so she was gone a lot at night. The eldest brother was real mean and he was abusive verbally and physically, which made life much harder and even worse. Mom had her parents close by to help out. She said nice and bad things through the years I was growing up, which I always remembered. I think that it was hard on her trying to raise five kids by herself, with out the help of the father, who was an alcoholic and never cared. He never sent birthday, or Christmas cards ever. He never called or wrote letters, and never had any contact since the day he left our mother for another woman. He and the woman moved to California, then to Las Vegas, Nevada. He was put in jail for not paying child support in California, then he moved to Las Vegas. Mom worked, too. She was a real good cook and made really good suppers. When she was low on money we would have to eat breakfast food or popcorn for supper, which wasn't good, but at least it was something to eat. She waas lienient, and wasn't really strict. She is gone now. She went through a lot, and so did her five kids.
Khennathan Khin from Stockton, California on May 17, 2013:
I have just searched up for an article or something like this because I was just "lectured" as you would call it from my own mother in the worst way. I am a 13 year old teenager who is living in a house with my two older sisters, mother, and father. I am here to tell you my story and if you could then I would like you to post a comment below on how this could be resolved and or how I could stop or
confront it. Here living in this house, my parent have shown sign
s of bad parenting 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, and 8. This comment will be quite long so
please bear with me. I live in a house with me two older sisters,
mother, and father. For the first sign, the only part that was directed to me was where the child didn't get what they needed. This is mostly towards my mother for she never has and never will actually help me on my school projects or even buy supplies for them either. She never cared to tend to our other needs as well such as clothing and food, resulting in me and my sisters having to help each other out and its like were living without a mother. On the other hand, our father is very kind but also tough (which I will get to later on), but he helped us out with a lot of projects too. For the second sign, both of my parents did a lot of verbal abuse to us, but this has mostly to do with my mother who does frequently but even more often now.
Daveceleron on May 04, 2013:
My dad has all these problem's......and in too nervous to tell anyone :(
inuejo on May 01, 2013:
I'm a 29 year old woman and I'm still working through the damage inflicted by my parents.
They did 1, 2 (verbal abuse), 4, 5, 7, and 8
Sometimes I will just sit in anger just hating them, thinking how useless they have been to my life and how I can't stand my dad for being such a sad and weak man. My mom was never able to be present with me, always put me down, and was caught up in her own depression, anxiety, and low-self esteem. Sometimes I snap at them, or will be deliberately rude and cold to them at times. I like to make them feel intimidated by me.
The thing is, I know I can't blame them anymore. I have to let it go so I can grow and move on with my life. They may never change, but it's not my job to change them. They had good intentions, and only did hurtful things to me out of ignorance. It's not really their job to give me guidance. I wish I had more guidance growing up, I know I would have had better self esteem. But I'm 29 now, and I am doing my best to let this baggage go. I assert myself around them now, and let them know that I know how to direct my life.
But here is one thing I know for sure: There are no evil people.
What distorts people is a LACK of LOVE.
LOVE is the answer.
otramal on April 26, 2013:
I feel that sometimes a good parent can be made to look like a bad parent by the hands of an ex. I call it brain washing by a parent. Which is very bad parenting. It does so much damage to the child/children that it can be irreversible in my opinion mentally. If the child is old enough and can see through it then they have a chance. But the problem doesn't just happen with the parent who is doing the brain washing. The problem comes from the parent who is on the other end of this brain washing. That parent becomes so stressed and often angry that the children start feeling effects of it. So then she in turns starts feeling as if she really is a bad parent. So when the child comes home from visit with Daddy and starts saying what daddy has told her, mom frustrations are coming out at the child/children. I know this brain washing effect. The household can never be peaceful, because the family is always on edge, they are always struggling, and Mom is always in fear. Now after 19 years of fear for my children, and worrying about being a good mom and not becoming what my ex was trying to make me become I now have PTSD. I see the effects it has had on my children, My son has nothing to do with his dad pretty much, my oldest daughter uses him to get what she wants, and gives her what ever she wants. Though my two oldest have great jobs and I am very proud of them I can see anxiety in them. I spoke to them about counseling and maybe in due time it will come. My youngest is probably still feeling the most effects from her dad. As soon as she hit 18 he cut her off from everything and told her she wasn't his child because she had blue eyes. Guess he needs to go back to school. That really changed her view about him.
Family Forum on November 19, 2012:
What a wonderful and VERY powerful article. I gained some valuable insight here and am going to apply it with my daughter who has recently started acting out in school. Thanks for taking the time to write such an inspiring hub
sivklemets from Los Angeles on November 13, 2012:
Verbal abuse can sometimes be worse than physical, critism hurts more than a gentle smack.
MRanonymousMAN on September 24, 2012:
I can declare my mom is a bad mom coz she got
6 of the bad mom sign which is 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 8 .
MY LIFE SUCKS!!!
kimnicole066 on September 14, 2012:
Now that I am a nana iwant to be perfect, i never get angry anymore, grandchildren truly are a gift from God almost like a reward.lol,
My question is this my boyfriend hangs around with this guy that is an opiate addict to be more clear he is smoking
fentanyl patches, i have caught him doing them in front his daughter who is a tender 16, he says she will never do drugs because he has told her all about them she is a very smart girl academic wise, however i feel the curiosity must be killing her. Needless to say he makes me sick and i have told him it will nevr be done in front of her in MY HOUSE!!!, how do you get through to an idiot like that, the man is also a woman beater and already his daughter says "IF THEY WOULD LISTEN THEY WOULDBT BE BEAT WOW!!!!!!!!! C.A.S IS INVOLVED BUT THEY DONT KNOW HALF OF IT HELP!!
tttttttt on September 09, 2012:
I need serious help. I have 6 all on my own with not 1 person, not even their dad to help me. Sometimes I feel like killing myself cause I feel like a total failure. I work 3 jobs just to pay all the bi;;s. This leaves me with little time for them let alone me
chaputs on August 15, 2012:
I need help bad. My mom basically became a widow when I was 12 years old. When I was 13 she brought some guy into the house. For years she has basically called me fat, slut, etc. Now she is marrying the guy who she is gold digging his money. I'm not sure what to do. I am sick of being called crazy from the area i live in since I had a major concussion and nobody believing me something was wrong. Took me forever to find people who were good at helping me. I'm sick of my mom being up in my face and not a good mother. Help! PLEASE!!
Justdistrought on August 13, 2012:
I recently had to move back in with my mother after divorce and she has been calling my daughter insulting names and cursing at her. I can see the hurt my daughter is going through and I have addressed my mother on several occasions but she refuses to listen, to the point where she sticks tissue in her ears and is mocking me. What can I do because I have nowhere else to go at the moment. Please help before she destroys my daughter as she destroyed me....
I love my son on July 30, 2012:
I'm another father like most of you, but I wonder sometimes why can't I get through to my son. I immigrated to canada to make a better life for my child and to give him better chances and opportunities than I had in my childhood. I yelled at him, I hurt his feelings, I insulted him, and I did hit him occasionaly in his 17 years of life. and I love more than I love my self. All of this makes me wonder is it the worry about his future, I set such a high bar for him and for his abilities(nothing he does is good enough), or is it me who is not having a strong faith in him or God, or simply the financial and economical situation the world is in now? I know I want him to be better than I, in every aspect of his life. I shed tears every time I make him upset when I yell or get mad at him. I just want him to know that he is all I care about and I love him more than myself. I have no parents, he is all I got in the end. Thanks
TMarie45 on July 19, 2012:
After reading this article, I deduct, that my husband and I are guilty of some of the 'bad parenting' practices. We are raising my two teenage grandsons. I am in my sixties and my husband in his late fifties. We both come from 'old school' upbringing and find it really hard to break from using some of those practices with our grandsons. The main issues with our ways are that we preceive their rebellious behaviour as a lack of respect and we have a strong reactions, which usually end up in loud confrontations. Th other is trust issues, especially with the youngest grandson, because he has made bad choices and has ended up in court, which cost us a large sum of money, not to mention the stress of going to court and dealing with a probation officer, and the extra monitoring of him. The older grandson, is mature and pretty much on his way to becoming and adult, making plans for his future and acting on them. We have had our issues with him, but with the help of couneling we have learned how to communicate and parent him. My husband works offshore and isn't home that much and when he is home he is tired and has very little energy or patience to deal with the issues of a rebellious teenager that can't really be trusted. We are in counseling with the youngest grandson, but I don't see that it is having much effect with our relationship with him. I dread when my husband leaves to go to work, because things do get worse between us, I don't respond very well. I try to not react out of anger, but after so much of lack of response from him when told to do something or not to do something, I end up hollering. I don't like any of this, but don't know what to do. He is involving himself in sports this school year and hope it will have some influence on his attitudes. We love and support both of them to the best of our abilities but just don't deal with the behavior issues very well. any suggesions are welcomed.
Li Galo from Mainly the USA but Sometimes Abroad on July 11, 2012:
Good hub... the first video was hilarious! But it makes a point.
To the parents who commented above and have serious issues, contact someone who is an expert. Unless the author of this article is a licensed therapist, she nor anyone else should guide you. However, because your issues are very serious, contacting a professional should guide you in the right direction of what to do and, hopefully, give you some peace. Look up a therapist or counselor near you. There are often free counseling hotlines, too, if money is an issue for seeking help. You can call, be anonymous, and just speak to someone for advice on what to do. These are often called crisis-hotlines.
notme123 on July 11, 2012:
I am a brahmin married to a Catholic, we had decided that kids wud be Hindus, but to his parents we promised that kids wud be catholics. we lied just to be together & get married.
Now when i think about the social barriers I really cant control my emotions!!! i have chosen to be childless...simply because i know i cant be a good parent , i will leave the kids to lead a confused life...anyone please help me get out of this!
FOSTERMOM2 on July 01, 2012:
my sister just got her daughters back a month ago from cps. when she gets frustrated all she does is yell and cuss at them. she leaves her 2 &3 year olds in the bathtub while she goes outside, smokes, text her friends, & chats with her neighbors. she tells her two daughters I'm not a good mother, I cant handle you, and I'm not meant to be a mother I guess. my sister just had another baby a month ago & she shipped that one off to me or my mom as early 6 days old. today my 3 year old niece told my sister I don't want to be with you mom... I m sorry. she is really starting to voice her feelings about how my sister makes her feel. My question is should I call my nieces social worker and give her the heads up on the situation?
slimshad on June 30, 2012:
very good site, realities that shook me from inside. i feel bad for all on this hub. my message to them: don't worry, take it as a challenge of life to which u hve to clear and u will. God is with us all........keep smiling everyone.
rheadewey on June 19, 2012:
Let me start with saying that I would not or EVER beat my kid, nor agree with parents that do. It is simply mis-placed aggression, and therapy should ensue. It is sad that many families do not see this. I have a beautiful 5 yr old boy that is my world. I really want him to be happy. I do believe in spanking a quick swat or so to get the childs attention, however consequences for his poor decisions are not my main concern.
One thing I should say is that I am a stay at home mom with little to no support system around, no family within a 3 hour radius, and only one friend. My husband does work out of town a week at least at a time, and when he is home, he seems to have little domestic responsibility (reasonably so). I should in addition give you a little brief history athat I did work and was a full time student until a year ago so that any judgements may be fair.
The main reason that I am even I am even taking the time to write this is mainly the sadness. I know my life is beautiful and my son is very good. I try my best to be the best mom that I can be to him, however sometimes I just feel so sad like I don't deserve this beautiful life. I will even catch myself asking my son "would you be sad if mommy jumped off the deck and landed on her face?" or other random scenarios. Sometimes I drink. Anywhere from a glass of wine a night to a whole bottle a couple times a week.
Yes, I did have a somewhat dysfunctional choldhoood. A pill addictd father (who might I add died in 2009) and a workaholic mother. My main question is, does this behavior make me a bad mother. I really want to be the best mom I can be. I am just not sure how. I love hime SO much. I just want him to love me that much too. Since I have tried to quit smoking (3 days now) everything seems to have gotten worse. My husband dosent seem to be too supportive of anything I may throw at him. Fair enough considering he is supporting us in this economy without complaint. And in addition, I am a stay at home mom (at his request) with plans to go back to school.
Please give me your feedback.....
patriot9878 on June 14, 2012:
One sign of bad parents they don't do anything with the kids. We live an hour from the beach and my ex- had four kids over 29 year period and never took them to the beach. She never gave them birthday parties and did no activities with them. I would rather be beat for anything, but being taken to the beach every weekend. Some people think you feed the kids, give them a roof and that's all. Just let them watch tv all day and never take them anywhere.
This is abusive. If you have access to the beach use it. In hot places give your kids a little swimming pool. In the Summer they should have a place to cool off in the afternoon.
Tammy from North Carolina on June 10, 2012:
I have strived to be a good parent, but I am far from perfect. I have had two different generations of children. With my boys who are now 19, 20, and 21, I had to be very strict. One great way to get them to behave was to punish them as a group. Now I have a 3 year old daughter who is like an only child. I am older and get to enjoy her. I think I am guilty of number 7. :) Great hub with great insight.
nope on June 08, 2012:
yup i've lived through all of this apart from 6-7 and it sucks, protect your children from bad parents it sticks with them and takes away chances. only good thing from this is to know never to do it to anyone else, a lesson worth remembering.
Shane Wilson on June 05, 2012:
Hour long lectures do not help. I have seen with my child that I talk to him on the matter for 1-2 minutes being very succint and direct with minimal examples and we have the best relationship, he allows me to talk to him because he knows it will be meaningful. He does his work, I impose that i care about him but he has the freedom to do whatever, except of course with expectations, I expect him to get A's, I just say lets say he gets a missing assingment, you know what to do, fix it. Takes like 2 seconds and im done.
pooja on May 30, 2012:
but i think that my mother inlaw has spoil the life of his son n she wants the same to be happen to his grandson also. she has never scold his son when his son was small now when he's married he use to torcher his wife ,beat her n use abusive langeuage n i idont want the same thing to happen with my child. pls advise how should i save my child as i,m working lady
school teacher/parent on May 26, 2012:
Any parent who is a school teacher, should make every effort not to teach in their child's school, and especially not in the same grade. My father came to not only teach in my school, but fellow classmates in my grade. He was a very strict teacher, and not well liked. This was when I was in fifth grade. I was rejected by, and bullied by my classmates in not only fifth grade, but also in the sixth grade, when my father was no longer at the school. Some classmates continued to torment me through the eighth grade. As a result, I became extremely socially withdraw, and to this day it has ruined my life. I am now 51 years old, have never dated, and have lost my home and my job. I blame every aspect of my current failed life on my father's unwise decision to teach my classmates. Both he and my mother are long dead now, and I will never be able to discuss this with them.
So here is an adult complaining about how bad life has been for him because of his Dad.
Really.......so because your Dad was your teacher in your school all those years ago.......somehow him being a strict teacher to your classmates has ruined your life forever because you were bullied and even now at 51 years of age, you STILL harbor resentment towards him. How do you figure that one? The school (Board) should have dealt with this by either moving him into another classroom or school or moving you. If anyone is to blame for this situation, it is the school he taught at and that you attended.
turntogod on May 25, 2012:
parent, not everyone here has a daddy who bails them out of every mess , we are dealing w reality though i agree w what u stated
ericka on May 24, 2012:
Stop blaming your parents for YOUR BAD behavior. Really......if you drink, smoke and do drugs and other stupid things and are not happy, don't have the great job, etc. .....it's somehow THEIR fault because they were bad parents????? Give me a break. YOU do what YOU do, YOU behave the way YOU do because you WON'T take any responsibility for your own bad behavior or be accountable. It's easier to BLAME someone else for YOUR shitty life. Get over YOURSELVES! Life is hard ....who told YOU it was going to be easy, so start working at it and stop the whining already!!!!!!!! Plain and simple advise!
excuse me but not every child that was victimized by bad parents did drugs, smoked etc... and yes our actions do affect our future but who's job is it to guide us to that right path when our own parents neglect us, beat us, and discourage us. our parents are our sole partner in our lives. We all know that life is hard just read these comments and you'll know the effects of people who have been victimized and how it has suffered their future deeply. There are no such thing as bad children, but there are such things as bad parents. we all know that our parents love us and want the best for us. sometimes what they think is the best for us ends up hurting their children. This is all just a cycle that will never stop unless a chhild doesnt develop the same parenting skills their bad parents had. thnks.
A Parent on May 23, 2012:
Stop blaming your parents for YOUR BAD behavior. Really......if you drink, smoke and do drugs and other stupid things and are not happy, don't have the great job, etc. .....it's somehow THEIR fault because they were bad parents????? Give me a break. YOU do what YOU do, YOU behave the way YOU do because you WON'T take any responsibility for your own bad behavior or be accountable. It's easier to BLAME someone else for YOUR shitty life. Get over YOURSELVES! Life is hard ....who told YOU it was going to be easy, so start working at it and stop the whining already!!!!!!!! Plain and simple advise!
yurgrownnow on May 21, 2012:
Are you people kidding me...get the heck over it and quit blaming others the sooner you do that the quicker you'll quit winning. I had a horrible childhood...but I don't blame it if something goes wrong in my life! I just let God handle it...try it you may be surprised.
DiDi on May 19, 2012:
Hi, i wish my mother in particular would read this column on bad parenting. As a kid she used to verbally abuse me, spank us and beat me and brother up with canes and burn my brother and me with matchsticks and hot wax, always belittle us for no reason. It psychologically scars an individual for life. The worst part being that she thought & still thinks that her behaviour was justifiable. I am 26 yrs old now and looking back at me terrible chilhood which was filled with unhappiness all thanks to my mother i just wish that no other child suffers the same fate as mine. I am just soo happy that more people are coming out in the open about their bad chilhood experiences and sharing it with the world. I just wish my mother who is still the same could read the column which Anamika has written.
Heidi on May 19, 2012:
why would you believe in spanking. they are little helpless humans. You'd go to jail if you hit someone who is older and can defend themselves. think about it, why then can you hit a small child. there are many ways to teach children that don't involve violence. You can do it, don't resort to violence out of the ease of it.
caroline on May 16, 2012:
My father has always been a bad father. never took any interestin doing any job and my mother had single handedly taken all the responsibilities of running the family and my father was the one shouting and complaining about everything in life and is a patient of depression but 5 months ago my mother passed away and life has become worse as he has not yet taken any job and has spent all the savings my mother had done for me. he keeps shouting at everyone who comes in his way and my sister is not able to cope with any of it. what should i be doing????
qwerty on May 16, 2012:
god i really need to show this to my mother.
G on May 13, 2012:
Am I overreacting? I try to remind myself all the time kids have it worse than I do , I'm often reminded of that and Im glad of it. Tonight I was rude to my dad so he grabbed me and threw me out of the room far harder than necessary then went to punch my sister but stopped himself. It's not the first time it's happened. The incidents have gotten more frequent. Am I overreacting? My mum has clinical depression and almost never leaves her room. I try to be a good kid but I feel like a brat sometimes but it's left a bruise this time and I'm starting to get scared.
intocomputers on May 13, 2012:
what if you are a child experiencing these signs of bad parenting? What should I do?
a mom on May 04, 2012:
To Olga, you are legally an adult. Let them know, respectfully, that you may not contact them daily but will check in every few days. You may have to let them call police to get your point across. The police will contact you and you can explain your predicament to them. They will explain to your parents, you are a legal adult and are fine. As a mom, I can tell you they are having a hard time letting go, but stand your ground.
turntogod on April 27, 2012:
well what i suggest is for you to turn your heart and patience over to you know who no name, forgive your betterhalf for he knows not what hes done your soulmate is your fight and you did it behind the resentments from ur dad
newguy on April 16, 2012:
my parents are very over protective, im 23 and yet they still interfere with everything. when i decide things for my future, they always say i cant do it no matter how much i try, they tell to choose "low level" like someone who will always work under another guy without any possibility to go higher promotions knowing i want better for my life. i need to do a certain test that might change my life, and my father tells me the i WILL fail and i shouldn't even try.
they always comparing me to my 2 older brothers saying they are better than me and they even force me not to do many things that my brothers did by choice or even to "protect me". they never even taught me to ride the bike but they did taught my brothers.
yelling every day for more than 10 years, sending me to psychologist to "fix me", beat me up 3 times...
im guessing its all started since im the 3rd kid...
i have to say, this site is true in the cases that have something to do with me.
but one thing is for sure, i know i will be right with my children and will never do what they did to me.
No Name on April 15, 2012:
My parents often tend to demand my respect and reward me with no respect myself. They always seem rather selfish and never see anything wrong in what they do. I've done some not great things but even though these are far in the past they still do not even attempt to pretend they trust me. My mother especially enjoys yelling mean things about me, mostly not to my face. Calling me disgusting and a bitch on occasions. She uses my emotion against me occasionally, as one time I called her in tears and she still uses this as something to inform everyone of how easily I might cry. I never get respect, I never get trust, and I always get cut down.
Brian on April 13, 2012:
My parents divorced when I was one because my mother was having an affair while my father ,an exec. at an oil co. was working to put a roof over our heads,I was the 3rd. of 3 boys,at 21 that's pretty immature not thinking of your familys future,she loved money and stuff and it was never gonna be enough,spoiled girls ruin familys by looking at material wealth over people,princesses,no planning ability,just immediate pleasure .I have been paying for her sins my whole life and she is still a 15 year old spoiled girl at 70.
Olga on April 12, 2012:
My parents are very demanding. They have high expectations on me. They are over protective and controlling. When I was in high-school, I can't even go out with my friends. I don't really have any close friends that I could really talk to and share my problems because I'm always stuck at home. Sometimes I just can't understand them when I did something wrong, they can actually just talk to me about it instead, they treat me like i just killed someone. Like when i pierced my lips, my mom took that as a serious matter and punished me for years. That is when i was 14-17years old. She took my cellphone, and my freedom of going out with my friends. Last years when I was 18, I planned to futher my studies far away from home just so I can get away from my parents controlling and over protective attitude. I thought that things will change afterwards. But it gets worst. I get stressed all the time. When I was in college I had to finish my assignments, tutorials and i got test coming up and my mom call me EVERYDAY! Asked me too many questions and its the same questions she ask me every single day. I got so stressed and I ignored them for 2weeks plus and my parents call the cops and I had to go back to my hometown just because of them.I was 18 and legal. I gave up with their such attitude so I didn't do anything about it. This year I'm 19 and I planned to move out and I did. But my parents are still the same. They keep calling me. Its not that I never send them any text messages. I DID. But they are hoping me to let them know that I'm doing okay everyday. The other day when I got pissed, I didn't answer their calls for 1day, and they wanted to call the cops again and report missing. I cried. I told them other parents can do way better than that. Why do they need to involve the cops when I did nothing wrong. Why can't they just leave me peacefully here and stop making my life even more miserable. I need my space. But they don't even give a fuck about it. All they think is whatever they did as a parents is always right. I need a divorce with my parents. Please help me.
Elaine on March 29, 2012:
Totally agree with much of what is said in this article. I've grown up knowing the effects of bad parenting. Both my parents should never really have had children - they just weren't cut out for it. But they did (me!).
My mother has mental health issues, so I ended up fostered (dumped?!) with relatives as a baby. Came back to live with parents aged @ 3. My mother still has problems, she can be lucid at times, but other times... it's just awful. I suspect that she suffers delusions, and these have affected the way she brought me up. She plays "mind games", deliberately causing trouble, or expecting that I behave in a certain way, to get affection. I remember when I was little, she used to play this "game" where we sat in front of a mirror, and she asked who was prettiest. I ALWAYS had to say "mummy", or I'd get a slap.
She became really bad after I hit puberty. She never discussed periods, or relationships and boyfriends with me. She would tell me "boys only want you for one thing", and every time I even looked at, or spoke to a boy (even in passing) she'd assume I was having sexual relations with him. She told me constantly I was ugly, and that I dressed like a "tart". She would compare me to other relatives, always saying "why can't you be like cousin so-and-so", or "so-and-so is doing this at School, why aren't you". She was obsessive about my grades and performance at School. One bad grade (e.g. B instead of A, as I usually got very high grades) and I would get punished.
Both parents punished all the time, for really trivial things. Dad was worst. I rarely saw him all week at home. The only times he was home, he yelled screamed and lashed out if you got in his way. He was always looking to pick a fight. All he seemed to want to do was come home from work, and avoid the whole family. If you dared get near him, and ask for his time or attention, he would yell and shout, chase me to my bedroom, slap, kick and punch me. I just remember him ALWAYS yelling and swearing. That's ALL that I really remember about him - that he seemed permanently angry. Nothing I EVER did for him was ever good enough.
I do remember my parents saying they were disappointed I was a girl. Mum used to confide all sorts of stupid and inappropriate "secrets" to me, even when I was too little to understand. She told me that my grandparents abused her. I was only 8 at the time! What was I meant to think, or say? Why tell a little kid that? Mum also used to tell me I got in the way of her career. Talk about making me feel an unwanted nuisance!
When my brother came along, he was FAVOURITE. He could do no wrong. If he was naughty, I got told off. Because I was the oldest, and my parents would always say I "should have been minding my brother". My brother was allowed to go to University, and then drop out. TWICE! I went to University, but was forced to study a course my parents chose for me, and forced to complete it and get a job I hated to pay back all my student debts. I worked every school and University holiday, from age 13 onwards. I had weekend jobs, too. I worked in shops, a cafe, and cleaning filthy Hotel bedrooms. My brother NEVER had to get a holiday or weekend job - my parents just gave him money!
I've run away from home as a teenager. I've spent my whole life trying to get away, and stay away. I do still see my parents - they are my "blood", after all. But the hurt is always there.
Bad parents cannot possibly understand the damage they cause. They inflict pain and wounds that last a lifetime.
ameena on March 29, 2012:
My parrent always shout at me.I dont why just for no reasons. She will never give us pocket money. Nothing she just beats us i dont know i just hate it. Shew dosents listen to us. She is bad parenting. HELP ME PLEASE
Kelli on March 26, 2012:
I grew up with very poor parents. My father was a druggie and an alcoholic, and although my mother didn't do drugs or wasn't a complete drunk like my dad was, she was pretty effing lazy. She'd go to work, and immediately hit the bed when she got home. She was very insensitive to many of my problems in school. As a victim of bullying, I could never go to her for support, as she would find a way to blame me for getting bullied. Even when I'd try to write these things down I a personal journal, she would read it and angrily confront me about me and throw my journal away. Verrryy poor parenting, right? Which is Probably why the only kind of man that she's ever been with was my dad before they split up. I just vow to never be that awful or lazy or insensitive or a Crass, arrogant, know-it-all towards any of my kids. However, I'm scared that the Poor Parenting Gene may not pass me up as it obviously runs in my family.
lisa on March 24, 2012:
I had a bad childhood. I was abused mentally, physically, even sexually. I was lied to often, screamed at. Broken home busy mother abusive stepfather, my mom never believed us. And one time he admitted to it and she forgave him. We were always stepping on egg shells I had quite a few siblings. I used to wish I was someone else. I was always jealous of friends at school. I was never aloud to have friends over. I was never aloud to go anyone, they wanted to control me always. I was always so shy I didn't realize that the out side world wasn't like the one I lived in at home. We always had the nicest clothes and toys my parents always wanted to put on a show for others to make it seem as if we were perfect. Everyday we couldn't go out and play we had hours of chores to do around the house. We were always put down called names. I am now 30 years old and I have a son who is 6 months old. My parents to this day act as if they were great parents and nothing is wrong. My real father was abusive mentally and physically. He is an alcoholic and has a bad temper. I have a lot of patience with my son and I could never do what my parents have done to me. I am married now and I always wanted to be in a family that was happy and loving...it was a promise I made to myself as a kid...but my husband is never around always working. He is an alcoholic, with a short fuse. I feel helpless all the time. My son isn't old enough to know what's going on now but he will. Can a person change? Should I wait around for him to change? If I left him id have to go stay with my parents and obviously that situation would be worse.
branden on March 22, 2012:
i'm a 21 year old father who takes care of a 3 month old by my self his mother left me the day he was born and i cherish every moment with my son. being a good responable parent helps a lot trust me as a single father
Mal98 on March 14, 2012:
I am 21 and always worry for my own parenting skills. My father verbally, physically and psychologically abused me and my mother did try her best to stop him but she would always let him go at first until she thought he was going too far like kicking me in the side or throwing me out the door. And I truly believe that he did his best to do the most damage without breaking skin or bones so that he wouldn't get caught. I never had more than a few cuts or nasty bruises. My mother and I are not close due to her lack of trust and strict discipline and I struggle inside to be in the same room as my father. I still live at home and its a daily struggle, even if the physical abuse has stopped. I worry for my younger brother who doesn't believe that verbal abuse and hitting (not spanking) is bad parenting and wonder if I really want my future children to know their grandfather
Maz on March 14, 2012:
My parents got 9 out of the 10 listed bad habits. No wonder my life is so dysfunctional. I feel sick in the head often. :-(
Miranda on March 12, 2012:
I have mixed feelings about this article. Some points are valid. Others are lukewarm. Truth be told, parenting is just plain HARD. And as long as you are not intentionally neglecting or abusing your child...things should turn out ok. I am not my children's friend, I am their mother. They are not always going to like what they have to do. But if I made everything easy on them, what would they learn? I like that the other extreme of parenting (pampering) is on there. That is often overlooked and generally not considered bad parenting by society. Case in point...my sister and her husband always try to be positive upbeat parents to their sons. They don't like conflict, so when their oldest misbehaves, he doesn't get a consequence. But he is lavished with love, attention, trips, and gifts. He will be 8 soon, and is an absolute terror when he doesn't get his way. Their younger one just turned 2, so time will tell. My oldest son, who is almost 10, has rules, boundaries, gets yelled at from time to time, has been spanked in the past, but we have fun too, and I am constantly complimented on how well behaved he is when he stays over at other people's homes.
Kai Adams from Texas on February 13, 2012:
My parents split before I can remember, but I remember being a lot younger and having to deal with my mother remarrying before the ink dried on the divorce decree, and my father going through women like normal people go through underwear. My mother was never a very affectionate person, and the woman my father chose to settle down with was only about fourteen years older than I was, so she didn't have a clue how to handle small children. My mother and I have never been close, and my father, being in his fifth year of recovery as a cocain addict, and I didn't have any sort of real relationship until I moved in with him.
Dad split from the woman he had been with after ten years and three kids. They were the greatest things that ever happened to that woman, and I had never been anything more than the red-headed stepchild (literally), so when my siblings were born, I saw my father less than I previously had.
My mother was physically abusive until I turned about fourteen and struck back. After that, she was only emotionally abusive. I did, at one point, try to take myself out of this world, but I came to realize that would be selfish. Why not try and be a better mother than mine had been?
To this day, the woman that my father had been with (two wives ago, might I add) still tries to push me around and thinks that she still runs my house, even though she's almost two hours away. My mother is just now starting to realize that I don't want to be around her, and if she continues to act the way she has all of my life, when I leave this fall, I just won't come back.
I believe that every child deserves to have parents that love them and will take care of them, both physically and emotionally. Don't leave your children to fend for themselves just because they know how to work the microwave, the toaster, and the oven. Just because they CAN function on their own at nine years old, doesn't mean they always want to. At some point, they want SOME mother figure in their life while they're young to tell them what's okay and to hold them when they cry. Don't baby them, but don't force them to grow up too fast.
unknown on February 06, 2012:
I know many of you wouldn't even have the time to read this but still i'd like to share the kind of childhood I had.
Im 23, and all i can say is that I had a very bad childhood, even though my parents were together. I have a younger brother who is 31/2 years younger to me.
My parents used to call me vulgar names when i was a kid. I am much darker from my brother, both of them used to discriminate me on my completion calling me names probably you would only use that when ur in a fight i guess. At the age of 7 I used to so the dishes, wash my uniform, walk almost a Kilometer to get drinking water for the family. My parents really never liked me, they instead liked my cousin (she was a very cute girl, same age as mine) my brother was treated well. Anything eatable that was bought, my brother would get a bigger share and they will make it a point to mention that since he's the youngest in the family. My mother would always say this to me (same words) you will never stand for us its my son who will stand for us when we grow old. Till today those words still haunt me, those abusive names still haunt me.I always loved my parents a lot and they have no reason for them to treat me like this.Now after so many years when i ask my mother why did you do all of this to me? both of them pretend as if they don't remember anything but I STILL DO.
I was a very bright kid in studies. I loved studying and was very ambitious to become a lawyer. My parents stopped me once i completed my 11th grade (I was 17 at that time) they forced me to start working. they got help to fake my age my documents, I was so young I was shivering from within to even attend an interview. I cried, I begged them to let me study, they said that he did not have money for me to study further and if I had to get my three meals working was the only option. So i started working when i got my first salary i was so happy to give it to my parents, and when i did for all i know my father starts abusing me again saying i know you have earned more than this, you are lying to me, where is the remaining money? the truth was every penny was given to him. I was very hurt. I felt like ending my life, I felt like leaving the house so many times but i dint have the courage to do so.
At work I met a charming young man, who thought me what life was. oh I loved the life he showed me and gradually we fell in love ever since iv been with him. we're married now and im 3 and half months pregnant with our first baby. I am so happy that I met him i really thank god for him, he loved me like no has loved me ever before. In one word Im reliving my childhood that i lost.
We had a lot of problems while getting married. my parents did not want me to get married as they will lose out on a source who's earning for them. They did not help me with a single penny for my wedding nor even till today. My mother just stays 2Kilometers away from my flat and now that im pregnant I feel lonely at times, sometimes i feel like seeing them and even now they dont come to see me often but when they need money they can only think of me. me and my husband have never said no to them ever. I'm in very good terms with my brother and I consider just having two people in my world that's my husband and my brother and of course the baby on its way.
I promise that I will be a very good mom to my kids. BTW my mom used to say I will never be able to bear kids cuz when i was a kid i dint like other kids( I had an inferiority complex) which is very rude I feel, you just cant tell a 12 or 13 year old that you cannot bear kids in the future.
My mother in law is so understanding and takes care of me well.
That's all folks all is well now, I really really hope that no one ever suffers like the way i did in my childhood
Kurt on January 27, 2012:
Any parent who is a school teacher, should make every effort not to teach in their child's school, and especially not in the same grade. My father came to not only teach in my school, but fellow classmates in my grade. He was a very strict teacher, and not well