You're so fortunate to be aware of this now while contemplating motherhood. As I said in my article, I didn't know I was the daughter of an emotionally absent mother until after having my son and struggling through his autism diagnosis. If I had known sooner, I would have saved myself so much heartache and frustration. I never would have expected my mom to act any differently than she always had in emotionally rife situations--cold, angry, and detached--and I would have moved away from her long before starting a family of my own.
Don't think for one minute that your mother will act differently as a grandmother to your kids than she did as a mother to you. I was hoping my mom would connect to my sons on an emotional level and be a special someone in their lives: giving them hugs and kisses, playing board games with them, taking them to the park, talking with them, doing cooking and art projects with them. But, it was insane of me to think that because she had never done those things with my siblings and me. Hope springs eternal, though, and I wanted so badly to have a second chance with her through my sons. People are consistent, though, and my mom acted as a grandmother just as she had as a parent. I didn't want to go through that pain again so I distanced myself from her (emotionally and geographically). Without a doubt, it was the best decision for me, my marriage, and my kids.
I'm so glad I sheltered my sons from my mom because they haven't been damaged by her. That just see her as a passive-aggressive old lady. My two nieces, though, are now young adults and grew up with their grandmother near them. They have no bond with her and hate how she nitpicks their appearance—their hair color, their clothes, their skin, their weight—just as she had done to me and their mom while growing up. Unlike me and my sister, though, they fight back and don't let her crush their spirit!
I think you would be an awesome mom if you deal with these issues before becoming pregnant. Without a doubt, parenting has been a challenge for me because of my son's autism but also because of my childhood. Yet, being a mother has given me a chance to build the family of my dreams in which there's a lot of fun, laughter, and camaraderie.
"Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect" by Jonice Webb helped me realize why I was feeling so tired and drained as a parent. I thought it was only because I was doing too much as a mom, wife, and teacher (which was true), but it was also caused by being the daughter of an emotionally absent mother. Understanding that allowed me to bring more joy and vitality into my life through meditating, volunteering, exercising, having hobbies, and allowing myself downtime. Now I always have things to look forward to that keep me living in the present and not dwelling on the past. My life is a lot more fun now than it has ever been.
Good luck to you on that life-altering decision. It's a big one!