I was speaking with my mom over the phone when she admitted she’s never been an “emotional person.” Throughout my entire life, every time I felt sadness, would cry, or would express my loneliness, she would tell me I’m being “dramatic” and to “cut the s***.” At 27, my mom is still like this. Will she ever finally become warmer/more compassionate towards me?


No, your mom is who she is and won't change. It would be foolish to think she'll ever be different than she's always been. It would be wise of you to accept her limitations. Start focusing on your own inner world (not hers) and build relationships in which your feelings are heard and valued. If you continue to expect emotional support for your mom, you're only setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.

Acceptance of our emotionally absent mothers brings peace. The spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, says: “The main cause of stress and anxiety is wanting things to be different than they currently are. When you bring acceptance to all situations, despite your expectations, you instantly remove the need for stress and worry.”

My lack of acceptance regarding my mother led to a major downward spiral in my life when I was 40. When I turned to her when my son got diagnosed with autism, I was met with a coldness that sent me into a black hole of despair. I wound up going to therapy, taking anti-depressants, and living a zombie-like existence for many years. I convinced myself that feelings were the cause of all my problems so I blunted them.

I eventually discovered, though, that a drug doesn't selectively numb only difficult emotions like sadness but all of them: joy, excitement, hope. Thank goodness, I finally realized my feelings weren't a curse after all but a huge blessing. I gradually learned to embrace them all.

When I look back at my downfall with the wisdom that time brings, I know it wasn't brought on by my son's diagnosis. As painful as that was, my anguish was caused by my mother's lack of compassion and caring. Her indifference triggered memories of all the other instances when she had behaved the same way when I was a kid.

In his book, “The Untethered Soul,” Michael Singer calls this our “inner thorn”--something from childhood that still induces pain when we're adults. Without a doubt, having an emotionally absent mother has been the inner thorn throughout my life. Today, though, I'm conscious of it, can step back when it's activated, and not let it affect me.

Please accept your mom “as is” so you'll have a more peaceful life and avoid the heartache I suffered. Take care!

Updated on August 10, 2019

Original Article:

How an Emotionally Absent Mother Impacts a Daughter: From Infancy to Adulthood
By McKenna Meyers

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