My 86-year-old mother with whom I love denies ever doing anything to damage me. She won't acknowledge my feelings. It makes me feel like I'm truly crazy and don't remember my life correctly. On top of that, what kind of daughter could be angry at an 86 year old woman?

Answer

This is an unhealthy living situation that you've created and I'm concerned for both of you. In circumstances where an adult daughter is still struggling with her childhood like you are, I suggest minimizing contact with the parent and talking with a therapist. However, you've chosen to live with the person who's causing you so much emotional turmoil.

While I appreciate there may be financial constraints that led to this living arrangement and that you may be acting as your mother's caregiver, it's hard to imagine that there weren't other options. This situation is guaranteed to bring you a lot of heartache. When an adult takes such a drastic step as this, they're often unconsciously trying to reach back in time to fix their childhood. However, even if your mom admitted that she damaged you and apologized (which is extremely unlikely), it would seem empty to you. It wouldn't provide a miraculous cure that would make you feel better.

At this point in your life, you should be practicing acceptance in regards to your mom. Instead, though, you're still expecting an emotionally absent mother to acknowledge your feelings. This is just irrational thinking and is creating undue stress. The spiritual writer, Bryon Katie, sums it up perfectly: “If you argue against reality, you will suffer.”

If you have no alternatives to this living arrangement, please make it as peaceful as possible for both you and your mom. Even if you and her had a fabulous history together, it would still be extremely difficult to live with one's elderly parent. It requires so much patience and understanding. Therefore, make sure you take good care of yourself by getting out of the house, engaging with people your own age, spending time in nature, and finding outlets to decompress (exercise, meditation, and yoga are all terrific).

As we live longer, there are many folks like you who are caring for aging parents. These caregivers are under enormous stress and often feel isolated. As a result, many support groups have sprung up to help—both online and in-person. The Eldercare Locator, maintained by the US Administration on Aging, is a good resource to get help in your area. https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Index.aspx

Please reach out for support. You're in a difficult situation and shouldn't be trying to handle it all alone. I wish you and your mother well.

Updated on February 25, 2020

Original Article:

5 Ways for Daughters to Heal From an Emotionally Absent Mother
By McKenna Meyers
working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, wehavekids.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://maven.io/company/pages/privacy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)