One of the most empowering things we can do for ourselves is become an authority on our life. When we step back from our personal pain and become a detached detective, we can put the pieces together of our family history and start to make sense of something that had once seemed random.
We can find the purpose in our pain. We can forgive family members when we appreciate what they endured. Moreover, we can gain valuable insight into how we became the person we are. When we become an authority on our life, we are empowered and can move forward with a new-found consciousness. We can finally understand what Michael Singer, the author of “The Untethered Soul,” calls our “inner thorns,” those comments and behaviors from others that trigger an intense emotional reaction in us.
It's time for you to get curious and delve into your mother's past to discover why she became so cold. You may want to read my article entitled, “How to Move on From Your Dysfunctional Family and Find Peace.” https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/-You-D...
In it, I discuss how to become a “transitional character” and break the negative patterns that have plagued your family for generations. A transitional character is someone who sees a destructive behavior in the family history (alcoholism, emotional neglect, name-calling, sexual abuse, etc.) and decides it will stop with them.
Terry Real, a family therapist, says this, “Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow.”
Ironically, looking at the past can help you move forward. It can help you not repeat your mother's mistakes. It can help you find acceptance—acceptance that your mom won't change, acceptance that you must find emotional support from other people, and acceptance that it's time to stop blaming your mom and build a beautiful life of your own. I wish you the best!