You've carried a heavy load and it's time to lighten it by addressing these issues. It's difficult enough to be a fatherless daughter, but you've had an extra burden as the product of a rape. You may have experienced shame, confusion, and anxiety because of it. Talking to a therapist is what you need to do in order to make sense of these emotions and how they negatively impact your life today.
I'm curious how you discovered that you were conceived from rape as that's something most moms would strive to keep from their kid. Mothers would have a primal instinct to protect their children, understanding how damaging that information would be. Having this knowledge has done nothing to add to your feelings of self-worth and a sense of serenity in the world. Therefore, it's something important to discuss in therapy as well as with your mom.
It would be useful if your mother joined you in some of the therapy sessions, providing insight into how the rape affected her and her ability to parent. There must be questions you want to ask her and the things she wants to tell you. These are delicate and painful issues to delve into but can be handled with care by a professional.
The author and life coach, Vironika Tugaleva said: “Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.”
You may want to read my article entitled, “How a Fatherless Daughter Can Move on From Her Dad's Rejection.” I wish you the best as you lighten your load. Take care!